Top 500 Funniest Ramble Lines

Here are the top 500 funniest ramble lines from rambles 1 – 199. They are arranged starting with 500 and going backwards from there.


500 – 451

Algus: “Some damned peasants probably stole it so they could sell it to buy grain at the market! Zidane! What do you know of this?”
Zidane: “Why do you always think I’m behind everything?”
(#148, Porch Swing Appreciation Day)

Franswa: “Dad, where is my collinder?”
Richter: “I don’t even know what that is.”
(#154, Home Is Where You Hang Your Heart)

Kuja: “I’m appalled by the amount of you who didn’t know how to put on lipstick.”
Irvine: “Most of us are *guys*.”
Kuja: “So?”
(#86, Rufus Makes A Movie)

Reno: “Well no worries, man! Today’s St. Patricks’ Day! The day where all troubles disappear!”
Tseng: “I would think all the drinking would cause more troubles.”
Reno: “Yeah, but you’re so drunk you don’t realize them till the next day.”
(#166, I Still STILL Hate St. Patrick’s Day!)

Zidane: “Hey, do you think I could pay one of these guys enough to sleep with me?”
Sephiroth: “Well, I don’t think very highly of strippers, but they’re not hookers. I don’t think so.”
Zidane: “No? Not even for a lot of money?”
Sephiroth: “I really don’t want to be having this conversation with you.”
(#178, This Is The Life (part one)

Rude: *frowns* “There are strangers here. I want chicks to think I have hair.”
Shell: *snaps* “What chicks, Rude?”
Rude: *sadly* “No chicks, Shell.”
Shell: “That’s what I thought, Rude. That’s what I thought.”
(#66, Sephiroth Land)

Ashley: “You mean he’s going to make money?”
Zidane: “And like real money? Not the kind I keep printing off the computer?”
(#168, Mr. T. Jangles)

Palmer: *holding out charts* “It would just take one moment…”
Rufus: “Know what else would take a moment? Firing your ass!”
(#177, This Is Shinra Inc.)

Briter Bran: “[Bleep] yeah! You’ll [bleep-ing] love it in Neverland! And those mermaid’s got great racks!”
Larky: *blink blink* “You mean like a spice rack?”
Briter Bran: “…If that’s what you wanna call them, yeah!”
(#180, The [Bleep-ing] Awesome Adventures of Briter Bran)

Twilight: *blinks, shakes his head* “I had this horrible dream…there were cute, cuddly little people! And they were singing about hugs!”
Opal: “I’m so glad you’re okay, Twilight!” *goes to hug him*
Twilight: *jumps up* “Ack! No more hugs!”
(#26, That’s What Friends are For)

Zidane: “How much longer are you gonna keep this up?”
Sephiroth: “Long enough for Alucard to see he’s made a big mistake!”
Zidane: “Well, Alucard is immortal so… I think you’ll be waiting a long time.”
(#155, Lloyd of the Disco)

Prince Jofus: “He went to the war in Wutai, where have you been??”
Latrojo: “In my lab, under a chair, staring at pieces of Kujar’s hair I have managed to collect.” *giggles freakishly*
(#77, Bows, Arrows, and Black Materia)

Quistis: “Lots of people fail, Irvine. Like Seifer.”
Seifer: “I only failed because I was sexually discriminated against!”
Ashley: “By who?”
Seifer: “By…people.”
Ashley: “Didn’t you fail the test like 4 times?”
Seifer: *pouts* “…Maybe.”
Quistis: “They don’t even let him take the test anymore.”
(#169, How Irvine Got His Groove Back)

Squall: “How’s it going, man?”
Seifer: *mumbles* “Whatever.”
Squall: *blink blink* “I suddenly feel weird…”
(#100, Behind The Music (part three)

Twilight: “Educational is just another word for boring!”
(#158, The Museum of Modern Mayhem)

Shell: “Oh! They make such a cute couple!” *the other girls glare at her* “As friends, as friends!”
(about Quatre and Trowa…#10, Final Fantasy V. Gundam Wing)

Rufus: “Nonsense, Lark! You’re amoung the elite!” *he claps his hands* “Rude! Will you get us some drinks?”
Rude: “Yes, Shell.”
Rufus: “I’m not Shell, Rude.”
Shell: “That’s me, Rude.”
Rude: “Right. Sorry. Force of habit.” *he leaves*
(#105, Splash From the Past (part two)

Shell: “Aw-haw! But she’s such a sweetie! Everyone will love her!”
Lark: “EVERYONE is cowering in fear on the couch! Even Sephiroth!”
Sephiroth: *peering out from behind lark* “Was not.”
(#81, White, Fluffy and Set To Kill)

Dracula: “Belmont?!?! Where!”
Alucard: “Probably behind the fence.”
Dracula: “To the owlery!” *runs off*
(#139, And That’s the Way the Vampires Have Their Picnic)

Sephiroth: “Why the hell you yelling at me? You’ve wanted me outta the picture since day one so you could have Vincent for yourself!”
Vincent: “Ang-er, Sephiroth, that is not true!”
Sephiroth: “Yes it is! And you know it, Vincent!”
Brady: “Oh god, I’m in my own personal hell.”
(#135, Life is Taxing (part two)

Queen Shell: “Well that was easy. Thank g-d you pay attention to the laws of the Kingdom.”
King Rufus: “Of course I do! Who do you think I am? King Reno?”
(#170, Final Fairy Tales III – Ever After)

Lark: *sets jaw* “Okay, who was playing with fire today? Twilight, I’m looking in your direction.”
Twilight: “Nuh-uh. Wasn’t me. I was out feeding poor, starving puppies all afternoon.”
(#120, Highly Flammable)

Irvine: “I’m at the end of my rope, man! Reno’s questioning me non-stop – I’m runnin’ outta lies! Today I told him I took my date to Mercury! I’m pretty that’s a planet! Thank g-d he was so drunk he probably thought it was a club.”
(#189, Tseng Works Hard For the Money)

Rufus: “That’s it! You’re fired!”
(reno shrugs and goes to walk away)
Rufus: “Where are you going?”
Reno: “You said I was fired.”
Rufus: “Back in line!”
(#33, Uncle Rufus?!?!)

Rufus: “Cait Sith sucks! They don’t want you along!”
Reeve: “He does not! There’s a lot of power in this stuffed body!” *hits rufus with his m-phone taking off 9 hit points*
Rufus: *blinks*
Reeve: “I messed up.” *hits him again taking off 8 hit points*
Rufus: *fakely* “Ow.”
Reeve: *frowns and hits him again taking off 8 hit points*
Rufus: “If you keep this up for three or four months you might KO me.”
(#60, Animal Farm)

Seifer: “Maybe the toilet ate her or something.”
Zell: “Toilets don’t eat people.”
Seifer: “You never know, they might start.”
(#126, Silver Hair Concerto)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Everyone grimaces at me and then looks away!”
(#161, Lloyd Goes Tribal)

Quistis: “You can pass this, Irvine. Even Seifer can.”
Seifer’s voice: *from the classroom* “I can hear you!”
Irvine: “…I thought he wasn’t allowed to take the test anymore.”
Quistis: *shrugs* “I’m not even gonna grade it.”
(#169, How Irvine Got His Groove Back)

Hojo: “What do you fellows do for fun around here?”
Radius: “Watch TV.”
Cid: “I like to stare out the window. I find it soothing.”
Dracula: “The sun kills me!”
(#154, Home Is Where You Hang Your Heart)

Irvine: “No, tonight’s not a good night for little boys to be by. Besides, I don’t think you should be spendin’ so much time with Uncle San Diego.”
Phoenix: “He showed me how to stick a whole banana down my throat!”
Irvine: “Now you’re never gonna talk to him again.”
(#196, Time Heals No Wounds)

Lark: *jumps up and down* “Yeah! We’re going to see the Wizard! I’m so happy!”
Scarecrow: “I’m going to get my brain!”
Tin Man: *smiles* “I’m going to get my heart…..”
Lion: “And I’ll get my courage.”
Roto: “Maybe I can get some anti-nausea medicine.”
(#27, To Oz?)

Seymour: “For your information, faux snake skin is very in right now!”
Kuja: “I don’t know what magazines you’ve been reading, but don’t contaminate them with mine.”
(#150, Sephiroth’s Award)

Rufus: “Aren’t we supposed to be nice to everyone on Thanksgiving? You aren’t inviting Hojo and them, are you?”
Lark: “Ugh! No! You’re never supposed to be nice to them!”
(#57, Thanks for Nothing, Buddy!)

Fairy Rude: *waves wand* “I give her the gift of fashion sense.” *mumbles* “….clearly I don’t have it.”
(#24, Final Fairy Tales)

Koudelka: “Whatever. No one cares about your problems.” *pause* “Well, money problems. You kind of pay me to care about your other problems.”
(#174, A Day In the Life of Mr. Jingles)

Laguna: “Psychic bears! Yikes! They’ll swipe more than your picnic basket!”
Everyone: “…….”
Kiros: “Ward says will you shut up?! You’re slowly killing us all!”
(#134, Life is Taxing (part one)

Rufus: *gets up* “Wow. Wow, I really felt that song. I *felt* it, you know? You know what I mean?” *comes over and puts an arm around rude* “Let’s do something. Let’s do something crazy.”
Elena: “How about we sit quietly in our room and take a nap. That sounds pretty crazy.”
(#171, Reno’s ‘Special’ Brownies)

Seymour: “Um, last I checked, you had sex with Hojo. That is the ultimate in gross.”
Hojo: “…I’m standing right here.”
Kuja: “What makes you so much better than Hojo?!”
Hojo: “…Right here.”
(#160, Lament of the One Night Stand)

Rufus: *hands her an application* “Just fill out this application. Does anyone else want one?”
Shell: “I do!”
Everyone: *stares at her in shock with their jaws dropped*
Shell: “Rude could really use a second job.”
Everyone: “Oh!”
(#137, Come See the Softer Side of Shinra)

Rufus: “I’m serious. I’m an important guy. I need an heir! Who’ll take over the company after I die then?”
Sephiroth: “Are you planning on going soon? And if so, can I help in any way?”
(#107, Rufus’ Heir)

Cloud: “I saw a kitty!”
Koudelka: *blink blink* “Well. Maybe he’s not quite as severe as I thought.”
Richter: “There were no cats.”
(#152, Strip Away Your Problems)

Edgar: “Do you think the others have realized we’re gone yet?”
Kuja: *snort* “I know Hojo will know as soon as he wakes up for his morning molestation.”
Zell: “Oh, is that a new kind of exercise?”
(#115, The Great Bishounen Snatcher)

Hojo: *frowns* Unfortunately. But I actually have good news!”
Scarlet: “It better not be that you saved a bunch of money on your car insurance by switching to geico.”
Hojo: “What?”
Scarlet: “…I watch too much tv.”
(#144, Lily of the Snow Valley)

Kiros: *gets up* “Ward says I shouldn’t be here.”
Laguna: “…but Ward isn’t even here, Kiros.”
Kiros: “Ward says shut up.”
Laguna: “But Ward–”
Kiros: “Shut up!”
(#8, Ward Says You’re Screwed Up!)

Shell: “You’ll bet he’ll be there! He’ll be there with bells on!”
Rude: “…I don’t want to wear bells, Shell.”
Shell: “It was a figure of speech, Rude.”
(#182, Sailing For Adventure (part one)

Laguna: *waves at a group of homies* “Hey hey! What’s hangin’, dudes! Surf’s up! Party on!”
Lizzie: *pulls him along, really embarassed* “Laguna….you’re slowly killing me.”
Kiros: “Ward says you’re out of touch.”
Ward: *no reaction*
Kiros: “Wow! Ward actually agreed for once!”
(#39, Follow That Seph! (part one)

Zidane: “Look on the bright side, Reno! You had sex with our really hot health teacher!”
Reno: “Well according to his list Tseng had sex with our really disgusting math teacher.”
Zidane: *looks at tseng in shock* “What?!”
(#143, School’s In Forever)

Sephiroth: *looks at the board* “Hey, we really won by a lot…” *looks at vincent suspiciously*
Vincent: “I am not too good at checkers.”
Tseng: “Me neither. In fact, I barely know the rules.”
(#65, Okay, So It’s Not Really New Years…)

Narrator: “And King Seifer’s expression turned to complete shock as the old woman suddenly turned into the beautiful fairy who had cursed him so many years ago.”
King Seifer: “Uh-oh. Uh, did I mention I was just kidding? Ha ha! I’m so funny. Everybody laughed. You can come in now.”
(#170, Final Fairy Tales III – Ever After)

Ashley: “Are you eating things out of the mini-bar, Seifer?”
Seifer: “No!”
Ashley: “You better not be! Because I’ll hire Twilight to kill you!”
Twilight: “Whoo hoo! Money!”
(#184, Sailing For Adventure (part three)

450 – 401

Reno: “I know…” *grins* “But I’m a Turk! I’ve got ways of finding out info.”
Ashley: “…You gonna booze him up?”
Reno: “And how!”
(#169, How Irvine Got His Groove Back)

Sephiroth: *coughing* “Have you cleaned anything in the last century?”
Alucard: “There are about a hundred rooms in this castle that can pretty much change on a whim. What do you think.”
Sephiroth: “I think you should hire somebody. Vincent’s been really bored.”
Alucard: “Yeah. Has he always played the violin?”
Sephiroth: “No. And I wish he’d stop playing it outside my window at night!”
(#138, The Monster Mash Fiasco)

Sephiroth: “Are you kidding me? I tried to destroy the planet! I carry a huge sword under my coat 24-7! I’ve killed people! I’m bad to the bone, baby!”
Alucard: “Please. My dad used to kill people and put their heads on pikes outside his house.”
Sephiroth: “I’ve…thought about doing that! Yeah! Sure I have!”
(#150, Sephiroth’s Award)

Customer: “Is *any* of this stuff for sale?”
Sephiroth: “You question me again, and your head will be for sale!”
(#173, Tag Sale of Horrors)

Alucard: “You see what you did, dad! You drove Death away!”
Dracula: “I drive lots of people away, Alucard!”
(#168, Mr. T. Jangles)

Alucard: “Next time you sell a vital part of your body, I’m not getting it back for you!”
Dracula: *chuckles* “That’s not the first time I’ve heard that threat! And it won’t be the last!”
(#173, Tag Sale of Horrors)

Zidane: “…Look, I’m a desperate man here. He’s going to have to morph into a goat before I dump him.”
Tseng: *opens mouth to speak*
Zidane: *sigh* “Yes, I realize how sad that sounds.”
(#167, Asexual Algus)

Lily: “All these guys?! Dad! I haven’t slept with that many people! I’ve only slept with five!”
Tseng: “Five?! You’re only twenty years old!”
Reeve: “Actually, Tseng, by the time you were twenty—“
Tseng: “You’re not helping, Reeve!”
(#196, Time Heals No Wounds)

Irvine: *looks at sephiroth* “*Sephiroth* didn’t laugh…?”
Sephiroth: “Some laughing may or may not have been involved. But then again every thing you do is pretty much stupid and laugh worthy to me.”
(#169, How Irvine Got His Groove Back)

Dracula: “My hands?” *holds them up* “They’re right here, Alucard!”
Alucard: “No, your pants! You’re not wearing any pants!” *points*
Dracula: *looks down* “Pants are overrated!”
Dante: *thoughtfully* “You know—“
Alucard: “Don’t you *dare* agree with him.”
(#198, Truth Be Told)

Zidane: “I hate my tail.”
Kuja: “Me too. It’s the reason why I wear skirts all the time. Well, half the reason. I also just really like skirts.”
(#178, This Is The Life (part one)

Sephiroth: “Did you hear the bad news, Vincent? Lark’s getting married after all! Damn Rufus! Damn him and his money and his commitment to things!”
(#199, To Have and to Hold)

Sephiroth: “I want you to read the future.”
Koudelka: “Are you kidding me? You can’t barge in without an appointment, in the middle of the afternoon and just ask me to read the future—“
Sephiroth: *drops a bag of money on the table*
Koudelka: *looks at it* “…Right this way.”
(#196, Time Heals No Wounds)

Rufus: “Well…I kind of have this problem. I like this girl, but she works for me. And I think it’s bad to get involved with your employees, even though my employees get involved with each other and I’ve got the sickening video tape to prove it. Also, she has a kid by this guy I know, who is also one of my employees. But he’s actually married to another guy, who’s also my employee, and he didn’t even know that she was pregnant. She had herself artifically inseminated because this other crazy guy who works for me had that first guys sperm and she bought some from him. But anyway, he knows the baby is his and everything and that’s all fine, but even though he’s gay I’m kind of worried that this guy will get mad at me for being with the mother of his kid, even though he didn’t plan on having the kid in the first place.”
Koudelka: *blink blink* “What kind of soap opera are you living in?”
(#174, A Day In the Life of Mr. Jingles)

Quis: “G-d bless you, ‘Rothin Hood.”
Rin: *checking ‘rothin out* “I think he already did.” *drool*
(#77, Bows, Arrows, and Black Materia)

Sephiroth: “Yeah, right. And I don’t practice my victory dance before I go to bed every night.”
Brady: “You *what*?”
Sephiroth: “I said nothing.”
(#188, Too Legit To Strip)

Irvine: “Hey, Lark. How come we don’t play strip poker anymore?”
Lark: “Irvine…my fiance is sitting right next to you.”
Irvine: “Okay…” *turns to Brady* “How come we don’t play strip poker anymore?”
(#163, Somewhere In My Memory (part two)

Zidane: “Gas station? I never heard anything about any gas station!”
Rufus: “It was an impulse buy.”
Zidane: “Gum is an impulse buy. Not a gas station.”
(#194, Fall of the House of Ramble)

Rufus: “I really don’t think we’ll be having slaves.”
Algus: “I see. Oh well. More for me then.”
(#198, Truth Be Told)

Gippal: “You’re not the only ex-stripper hangin’ around tonight. I saw Irvine out there. He’s with some
Sephiroth: “I guess people with diseases tend to gather in one place.”
(#198, Truth Be Told)

Sephiroth: “You know how long it’s been since I had sex?”
Tseng: “I told you if you started this conversation again I’d stab you in the eye.”
(#175, The Not So Great Outdoors)

King Reno: “Well you better find me some books on vampires then, and they better have pictures. My vision’s kinda blurry right now. I don’t know if it was the drugs or the booze.”
(#170, Final Fairy Tales III – Ever After)

Lark: *the vaccum sucks up some of duo’s hair* “Ack! No!” *vaccum sucks up some of  zech’s hair* “No! Treize’ll murder me!” *hits the vaccum* “Bad vaccum! You have to destroy all the pretty boys!”
(#59, Sucking Up Sephiroth)

Seifer: “Yeah! Let’s go to the park! I just bought a new sled!”
Squall: “*That’s* what you were saving for these past seven months?”
Seifer: *hangs head* “Quiet, Squall! It was the best  8 dollars and 21 cents I ever spent.”
(#67, Sun, Snow and Sleds)

Lark: “Really? But I thought you all hated it in the end!”
Irvine: *shrugs* “It’s been 5 years. I’ve been doin’ alotta stuff that affects my memory.”
(#187. Behind the Music…Again)

Rufus: “I used to watch the security camera from the Disco-Center. If I can watch six hours of Vergil kicking walls and hopping around on his one non-hurting foot, I can watch anything.”
(#193, For Posterity)

Franswa: “Well, I check people out when they’re done shopping.”
Hugh: “That’s it?”
Franswa: “And I put out fires.”
Hugh: “What?”
Franswa: “Yeah, I still don’t believe that part either.”
(#172, My Cousin Hughy)

Shell: “Now Rude’s 5 years closer to collecting Social Security.”
Brady: “He’s still way off.”
Shell: “He’ll get there someday.”
(#153, Everything Ages Eventually)

Reno: “How can you afford to sell stuff this cheap, Rufus?”
Rufus: “Somewhere Reno, in a magical land, there are people who will work for pennies.”
(#121, Reeve Saves Thanksgiving)

Zidane: “You’re selling people beer with moisterizer in it?! Won’t that make them sick?”
Rufus: “At this store you have to sign your receipt, therefore signing away your right to sue!”
(#155, Lloyd of the Disco)

Richter: “Belmont babies have been known to mature quickly! Franswa said his first word at 4 months!” *frowns* “It was cupcake.”
(#192, Return of the Max)

Noelle: *fist in the air* “This is gonna rock!”
Ashley: *gives her a weird look* “Oh, girl, that was *so* Zell.”
Noelle: “Ew!!!” *shakes wrist in disgust*
(#98, Behind The Music (part one)

Ward: Kiros, if I had my anchor right now…it would be Aeris and Sephiroth all over again. And we all know who’d be Aeris.
(#131, Being Ward Zaback)

Setzer: “These shoes have holes in them.”
Rufus: “People like sandals!”
Setzer: “The hole is underneath the shoe.”
(#155, Lloyd of the Disco)

Reeve: “Well, I have found a revolutionary way to cut down our customer’s monthly electric bill!”
Rufus: “Uh, Reeve, I meant something *worthwhile* to report. Not something you discovered while doing math for fun.”
(#177, This Is Shinra Inc.)

Pa: “It’s great to have you back, son. Let’s go talk about all the fun you had in jail.”
Houston: “I don’t think anyone but San Diego would be really interested in it, pa.”
(#110, A Scooby Dooby Christmas (part one)

Tseng: “I don’t think so, Rufus. Your greed got you into this. You have to at least meet her. Besides, looks aren’t everything.”
Rufus: “I guess that’s why you’re with Reeve.”
(#132, Being Gay A-Okay)

Lark: “Okay, everyone shoots at the *target* not each other, one at a time.”
Ashley: “You really had to tell them not to shoot at each other?”
Lark: “…….yes.”
(#10, Final Fantasy V. Gundam Wing)

Prince Rufus: “Anyway, Miller Kiros, I hear your lovely daughter can spin straw into gold.”
Daughter Shell: “Excuse me?”
Miller Kiros: “Ward says she can.”
Prince Rufus: “And is this *Ward* a reliable source?”
Miller Kiros: “….yeah….”
(#24, Final Fairy Tales)

Zidane: “Hey. I’m washing cars. And it’s cold out! And he doesn’t even drive them! What is *wrong* with me?!”
Zell: “I think everyone’s been asking themselves that question for years.”
(#156, Franswa Revisited)

Twilight: “The cool people are always unpopular.”
Shell: *laughs* “Yeah, that’s right, Twilight. How many people were at your birthday party again? Three?”
Twilight: “Shut up! I didn’t want a lot of people!”
(#16, It’s My Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To!)

Kuja: “Call me that again and I’ll pull off something you might have a use for.”
Seymour: “Can you go two minutes without making a perverse comment?”
Kuja: “I wasn’t talking about that. I said something you might have a use for.”
(#119, Here On Varsity’s Island)

Twilight: “You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!”
Lark: “You don’t have a lawyer. That was just you wearing a fake mustache that one time.”
Twilight: “Dammit. I need a new disguise kit.”
(#127, A Vampire In Every Home, And a Gundam In Every Garage)

Noelle: “What’s wrong with a little alcohol?”
Lark: “No. Remember what happened last time?”
Noelle: *thinks* “No….I must have been too drunk.”
(#15, Truth or Hojo)

Tseng: “You do have that reputation of lighting things on fire…”
Sephiroth: “Oh, that one time!”
(#175, The Not So Great Outdoors)

Seifer: “Yeah! This sucks! Let’s go back!”
Ashley: “No, Seifer! Suck it up and be a man for five minutes!”
Seifer: *whines* “Five minutes…”
(#115, The Great Bishounen Snatcher)

Nida: “I’m da bomb!”
Scarlet: “Too bad you won’t explode.”
(#68, Lark Loves…Hojo?)

Reeve: *snort* “Rufus just wants to see Santa Claus.”
Rufus: *snaps* “And you just want to see Tseng naked, but I didn’t say anything about that.”
Reeve: *sputters* “Wha-what!?”
(#57, Thanks for Nothing, Buddy!)

Dante: “Well that showed him.”
Alucard: “You didn’t.”
Dante: “I didn’t what?”
Alucard: “You…you…didn’t…”
Dante: *paling* “No! Oh g-d no! I beat the *shit* outta him!”
(#192, Return of the Max)

Richter: “Why can’t you be more like him?”
Franswa: “You don’t even know him!”
Richter: “He hunts vampires! That’s all I need to know!”
(#149, Three Heads Are Better Than One)

400 – 351

Richter: “Franswa! I need you to deliver the baby!”
Franswa: “What?!?!”
Richter: *chuckles* “Just kidding, Franswa. I would never trust you with the baby.”
(#181, Brave New Belmont)

Dracula: “Alucard, I’ll have a #4 with extra ketchup. And a diet coke.”
Alucard: *sigh* “Dad, we’re not at McDonald’s. Would you stop trying to order?!”
Dracula: “How come we didn’t use the drive up window?”
Alucard: *deep breath* “Dad… Talk to Death. Please.”
Dracula: “…Why? Is he going to be ordering?”
(#134, Life is Taxing (part one)

Richter: “Well put the baking paraphernalia down! You don’t want your cousin to laugh at you like everyone else, do you?”
Franswa: *frowns* “Thanks, dad.”
(#172, My Cousin Hughy)

Kuja: *pouts* “I need a mirror. I haven’t seen myself in five minutes.”
(#66, Sephiroth Land)

Shadow: “I like black stuff that covers my face.”
(#113, The Ramble Room Mafia)

Reno: “Hey, we were hooked up with hot chicks from all over the world!”
Irvine: “I think one was actually a man…”
Reno: *nudges him* “Shut *up*, man!”
(#56, Men Start at 1.50)

Reno: “How was the rest of history?”
Rude: “…You had sex.”
Reno: “Yeah I did!”
(#143, School’s In Forever)

Zidane: “I’m bored.”
Algus: “I told you not to speak unless you were on fire.”
Zidane: “Even if I was on fire it wouldn’t make a difference.”
Algus: “Not at this rate.”
(#167, Asexual Algus)

Zell: “I bet you’ve seen a lot of other crazy stuff.”
Alucard: “Yeah. Like when I heard Juste Belmont got married. I was like, whaaa? He’s totally gay.  Yeah. Yeah. Him and that guy Maxim were just ‘friends’.” *snort laugh*
Franswa: “What?!”
Alucard: “Oh man…I’m totally wasted.”
(#198, Truth Be Told)

Elena: “You’re the father. I thought it would be pretty obvious.”
Rufus: “But we used protection!”
Elena: “…A Rufus brand condom.”
Rufus: *takes one out* “But they’re 100% effective!”
Elena: “Nothing’s 100% effective. Especially not those things.”
Rufus: *looking at it* “Piece of crap! I should have known better than to use my own cheap crap!”
(#192, Return of the Max)

Algus: “*You’re* ‘VideoPervert’?”
Rufus: “Oh g-d, that was his handle?”
Algus: “Yes.”
Rufus: “Algus!”
Algus: “What! I assumed everyone on the internet was a pervert!”
Shell: “Well, you were mostly right.”
(#182, Sailing For Adventure (part one)

Lark: “Sephiroth, you had better come to the try outs tomorrow!”
Sephiroth: *turns around* “Try outs for what? Are you starting a fencing team? A killing team? I’d like to be on a killing team!”
(#53, Sing Your Heart Out! (part one)

King Reno: “That’ll take way too long. It’ll probably be a lot faster to invent a gun that contains the power of the sun.” *pause* “You think you can handle that?”
Royal Aide Red the XIIIth: “No.”
(#170, Final Fairy Tales III – Ever After)

Twilight: “Numbers, letters, foreign languages! How much harder can this get?” *rips open the envelope* “Aw, *walking*!” *shoves into opals hands* “You do it. My knee…uh…hurts.”
Opal: “Maybe that’s from kicking the driver’s seat in the taxi, Twilight.”
Twilight: *laughs fondly* “Yeah, that was fun.”
(#103, The Amazing Nap)

Shell: *smiles* “This is working just fine.” *to rude* “How often do I have to have sex with you?”
Rude: “Not often, Shell.”
Shell: “Perfect.”
(#133, Ow! My Piloting Boobs!)

Shell: “Yeah. I can’t believe I was 16 when we started here!”
Ashley: “Yeah. We were such jailbait.”
(#153, Everything Ages Eventually)

Alucard: “It’s nice to see some artifacts in a museum that aren’t already in my house.”
(#158, The Museum of Modern Mayhem)

Reno: “How could you say that to me? I thought you’d be proud! You’re always telling me I’m a drunk! And that I should get help!”
Rufus: “You are a drunk! And you should get help! But not on my dime you’re not! You’re just doing this for the time off!”
(#177, This Is Shinra Inc.)

Zidane: “That’s not fair! I’m working my way up! I had sex with you!”
Sephiroth: “That was a dream.”
Zidane: “No it wasn’t!”
Lark: “Sephiroth, you know that wasn’t a dream.”
Sephiroth: “It was certainly a nightmare.”
(#185, Family Fitness)

Richter: “Well it’s important not to get distracted! You have to fight vampires first! Then worry about skanks later!”
Tifa: “Richter!”
Richter: “Sorry.” *whispers loudly* “Skanks make bad wives!”
(#196, Time Heals No Wounds)

Sephiroth: “Project into my mind?! You’re not going to steal anything, are you?”
Koudelka: “Yeah, I’m really desperate to wipe away your knowledge of shampoo.”
Sephiroth: *eyes narrow* “Don’t even joke about that.”
(#196, Time Heals No Wounds)

Locke: “Last time I follow Edgar anywhere!”
Shadow: “Too many bright colors here! They’ll find me!”
Locke: “I’d rather follow you around.”
Shadow: “Nobody follows me!”
(#199, To Have and to Hold)

Nurse: “No buts! We have a strict policy on non-humans unless they’re patients or it’s special circumstances! So please keep the lisping dog, the straw guy, the mushroom guy, the alien, the dragon, the turnip guy, and those two other weird looking creatures out. And tell that cat guy he’s on thin ice with me!”
Blue haired guy: “What about our robot friend then!”
Nurse: “Robots are okay.”
Pirate guy: “And what about the skeleton guy?”
Nurse: “Look! I can’t keep making up new policies for whatever kind of weirdoes you people keep picking off the street! No wonder Serge hasn’t spoken in ages! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have other things to do!”
(#152, Strip Away Your Problems)

Algus: “Sounds exciting! I don’t gamble but I do enjoy watching!”
Zidane: “That’s like porn for you, isn’t it. Watching all that money change hands.”
(#184, Sailing For Adventure (part three)

Brady: “You just have to aim it. Don’t you know how to play tennis?”
Lark: “Do *I* know how to play tennis?! Are you kidding me? I used to take tennis lessons! You’re the one who kept wrongly returning the serve in Mario tennis and yet you’re asking *me* if I know how to play?”
Shell: “Ah, nerd love.”
(#199, To Have and to Hold)

Rufus: “Let me put it this way, I think there’s only like three places in the whole building that no one has had sex on.”
TV screen: *loud moaning*
Elena: *blink blink*
Rufus: *looking at screen* “…Make that two. Hey! That’s my desk! Tseng, you slut!” *presses stop button* “This is a waste of time!”
(#193, For Posterity)

Koudelka: “I guess the song being about worlds triggered something.”
Yuri: “Triggered the crazy you mean.”
(#190, Love Conquers All)

Reno: “Dr. Reno perscribes booze. And lots of it. Right, Irvine?”
(#79, I HATE St. Patrick’s Day!)

Tseng: “Rufus, you’re being crazy! Maybe Mr. Jingles fell off the bed or something. Why don’t you look on the floor?”
Rufus: “I’d wrinkle my pants!”
(#147, Beary Big Problems)

Rufus: “Dammit! That’s the fifth customer Reno’s passed out body has cost me!”
Reeve: “Rufus, why don’t you just throw this stuff out? Is the five cents really worth it?”
Rufus: “You bet it is! You’re supposed to be smart, Reeve! Don’t you know how expensive it is to dispose of toxic chemicals?”
(#173, Tag Sale of Horrors)

Zell: “I think it’s funny that your apprentices’ name is Majic, and you do magic. That’s really funny.”
Orphen: “Yeah. If you’re *five*.”
(#184, Sailing For Adventure (part three)

Irvine: “Looks like ‘Roth destroyed himself with his own voice.”
Rufus: “If only that could happen in real life.”
(#67, Sun, Snow and Sleds)

Twilight: “I have got kick ass aim!”
(#23, There Are No Gundams In Baseball!)

Algus: “Certainly I will accompany you, Rufus! I would never pick up a girl at a common peasant shindig unless I was looking for veneral disease, but I stick by my friend.”
(#161, Lloyd Goes Tribal)

Elena: “It’ll cost 10 million dollars just to keep the property maintained!”
Rufus: “I make more than that just going to the bathroom!”
(#198, Truth Be Told)

Reno: “So what? How hard is it to bang on stuff? You can do that with pots.”
Sephiroth: “You can’t do everything with pot.”
Reno: “I said pot*s*. As in the stuff you cook with.”
Sephiroth: “Oh. Sorry. You threw me there.”
(#187. Behind the Music…Again)

Red: *sighs again* “I’m sad to say that on the long list of humilitaions I have had over the years, this ranks somewhere near the bottom.”
(#102, Who Wants To Marry A Prostitute?)

Chris: “I’m part of S.T.A.R.S! Special Tactics and Rescue Squad!”
Rufus: “That’s why he keeps saying that?”
Chris: “Of course! What did you think it meant?”
Rufus: “I just thought he liked the sky! I even bought him a telescope for his birthday!” *pause* “Well, it was a Rufus brand telescope, and most of the pieces were missing, but the point is I still got him something!” *loudly whispers* “Mostly because I didn’t want him to eat me.”
(#191, The Taste of Success)

Kuja: “You seem even sluttier than Tseng.”
San Diego: “Thanks!”
Tseng: *eyes narrow* “Hey!”
Reeve: “Aw, honey, are you offended?”
Tseng: *blink blink* “…I should be… Shouldn’t I?”
(#111, A Scooby Dooby Christmas (part two)

Squall: “You should be impeached.”
Laguna: “Well, I like peaches, but not enough to be put in one!”
Squall: *hits himself in the forehead* “I’m still hoping I was switched at birth.”
(#173, Tag Sale of Horrors)

Nida: “Ewwww! So you slept with Heidegger just to get the interview? Gross! No job is worth that!”
Heidegger: “It’s true! Gya haa haa!”
(#164, Growing Up Shinra)

Ashley: “I don’t want his ugly shoes.”
Shell: *shrugs* “I’ll give them to Rude.”
Noelle: “But they’ll be *women’s* shoes.”
Shell: *shrugs* “He’ll get by.”
(#132, Being Gay A-Okay)

Heidegger: “I was voted ‘kid most likely to stay fat’ at fat camp! Gya haa haa!”
(#119, Here On Varsity’s Island)

Lark: “Why is Zell dead?”
Everyone: “……………………..”
Lark: “Was is Sephiroth?”
Everyone: “……………………….”
Lark: “It was Sephiroth, wasn’t it.”
(#131, Being Ward Zaback)

Tseng: “Rufus, now’s not the time to plan your next investment.”
Rufus: “Well you’ll never get ahead in business with that attitude.”
(#115, The Great Bishounen Snatcher)

Zidane: “I don’t suppose Rufus has anything in there that makes obnoxcious people disappear.”
Sephiroth: “No, then he’d disappear.” *pause* “Hmmm… Note to self, build such a machine.”
(#125, Rufus Brand Everything)

Sephiroth: *squeaks* “Vincent. I am going to leave the room now. And I am going to scream. And if Auron turns up dead, hide the body while the cops are here.”
Vincent: “I always do, angel. I always do.”
(#118, Bidding On the Birthday Girl)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I’m gonna die!”
Scarlet: “Now?”
(#128, Some Porn Can Be Bad)

Prince Reno: “If this is about the pot in my room, I *swear* I’m holding it for a friend.”
(#24, Final Fairy Tales)

Reeve: “Don’t tell me how to spy! I invented spying!”
Tseng: “How did you invent spying?”
Reeve: “…Spying with robots.”
(#117, I STILL Hate St. Patrick’s Day)

350 – 301

Twilight: “Sephiroth! Sephiroth! Rufus is having a carnival trying to get people to vote for him and he has puppies and ice cream and lookit! Balloons!” *points to his balloons*
Sephiroth: “Damn his rich suck up ass!” *frowns*
Twilight: “The puppies are cute!” *pause* “You know…if you like puppies.”
(#58, Too Close To Call)

Nida: *whispers* “What’s that he’s eating?”
Scarlet: *whispers* “I think it’s your garden newsletter.”
Nida: *softly* “Crap! There was a sentence about me in there that I didn’t clip yet!”
Scarlet: *softly* “You mean that mention of you in the campus crime section waiting outside Squall’s room with a baseball bat?”
Nida: *softly* “Shut up, whore!”
(#124, Fat Becomes Her)

Sephiroth: “Jenova should heal you! That’s her job, not mine!”
Vincent: “I don’t have Jenova cells.”
Sephiroth: “Well…you should! Everybody else was doing it!”
(#188, Too Legit To Strip)

Rufus: “Is it about your Christmas bonuses? The government made me do that.” *narrows eyes* “I’ll get them.”
(#114, You May Now Kiss The…Groom?)

Brady: “What? You’re not excited?! It’s just an overnight! I didn’t say we’re makin’ the journey to Oregon on a wagon!”
(#175, The Not So Great Outdoors)

Noelle: “We are having a gay wedding if I have to force Sephiroth to marry Vincent!!”
Vincent: *pokes his head in the room* “Could you?”
(#114, You May Now Kiss The…Groom?)

Auron: “If this is about me and Vincent–”
Sephiroth: “You and who? Oh! Vincent? No. If I wanted a dinosaur I’d go to the museum.”
(#156, Franswa Revisited)

Uncle Herb: “Oh look! Count Chocula is here! And he brought cereal for everyone!” *he goes off*
(#139, And That’s the Way the Vampires Have Their Picnic)

Tseng: “So…how much money would you say you pull in in one night?”
Zidane: *pokes tseng in the ribs and whispers harshly* “Tseng! You’re supposed to be hitting on him! Not figuring out if this is the career for you!”
(#156, Franswa Revisited)

Shell: “Whatever. We missed the whole party! Now I’m going to owe Lark for the rest of my life! Do you know what it’s like to be someone’s slave?”
Rude: “I could take a guess, Shell.”
(#84, Ha Ha! You’re Old!)

Hojo: “Well… I *am* the one who put all that genetic manipulation stuff into him. And I treated him pretty badly as a child. And I did all those experiments on him when he was young. And I hid the truth about everything from him. And it was because he found out the truth that he went crazy and did all that bad stuff… So, I suppose in a way I’m responsible for the way that he is. So, indirectly, it’s my award as well!”
Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Whatever makes you feel better!”
(#150, Sephiroth’s Award)

Yuri: “I did tip you!”
Koudelka: “A slap on the ass is not a tip!”
(#165, Quit Playing Games With My Head)

Jordan: “We give these people a second chance at life.”
Rufus: “What happened to their first chance? Drugs? It was drugs, wasn’t it.”
Jordan: “That really doesn’t matter to us.”
Rufus: “So you take money into this charity, and then instead of giving it to yourself, you give it to these tweaked out homeless people.”
Jordan: “I wouldn’t put it in those words.”
Rufus: “Of course you wouldn’t – it’s a PR nightmare! But that’s pretty much what you’re telling me.”
(#185, Family Fitness)

Wufei: “Wu-fei hates hugs!”
(#127, A Vampire In Every Home, And a Gundam In Every Garage)

Dracula’s voice: “Alucard! Am I supposed to take the goat, wolf or lettace across first?!”
Alucard: *annoyed sigh* “You don’t have any of those things, dad!”
Dracula’s voice: “Do you think the wolf will eat the lettuce? It does look rather tasty!”
(#161, Lloyd Goes Tribal)

Rude: *frowns* “Oh. Do you want me to return it?”
Shell: “Nah, no point in getting your money back for it.”
(#44, Cheap Skate Rude)

Shell: *sigh* “Do you want to drink coffee, Rude, or do you want to shop?”
Rude: “….drink….coffee?”
Shell: *spasm* “Did I hear what I *think* I heard, Rude?”
Rude: *surely* “Shop, Shell. I said shop.”
Shell: “That’s what I *thought*, Rude. That’s what I thought.”
(#76, Till Death Do Us…WHAT?!)

Zell: “What do I get if I eat it?”
Seifer: “Glory.”
Zell: “Is that money?”
Seifer: “No.”
(#62, Christmas Cheer)

Bar tender: “He’ll be no good to you passed out, huh, buddy?” *wink*
Reno: “It’s not like that, man.”
Irvine: *hugs reno* “I love you, Reno.”
Reno: *shrugs* “Yo, buddy! You ain’t makin’ this any better!”
(#102, Who Wants To Marry A Prostitute?)

Customer: “How well do these first aid sprays work?”
Chris: “They work all right, if you don’t have too many zombie bites.”
Customer: “What?”
(#173, Tag Sale of Horrors)

Duo: “Hey, Ashley, that guy…uh…with the thing…that we know…he just left…out the thing….in the wall.”
Ashley: “The door?”
Duo: “Yeah…”
(#5, I’ve Never Kissed a Gundam Pilot)

Franswa: “Wait!” *looks nervous* “I don’t know about this… What if they try to kill me?”
Zell: “Nah! Alucard’s cool! And Dracula will probably just think you’re a hummingbird or something.”
Franswa: “That’s true.”
(#141, I Am Belmont, Hear Me Roar)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I ate all the pies! Gya haa haa!”
Seymour: “Well then where’s your trophy?”
Heidegger: “I ate it! Gya haa haa!”
(#171, Reno’s ‘Special’ Brownies)

Zidane: “Dammit, Algus! Can’t you see I’m trying to score here?”
Algus: “This isn’t a soccer match, Zidane, and the only thing you’re going to ‘score’ is more whiskey on the rocks. For me.”
(#161, Lloyd Goes Tribal)

Ward: Can Rufus be more of a cheap bastard? Once I saw him fishing out a quarter he dropped in a storm drain. Took him 3 hours.
(#131, Being Ward Zaback)

Rufus: “Look at this place! In two days every seat will be full and we’ll be on stage performing, raking in the money and bathing in it in the morning! Well. I’ll be bathing in it. I don’t know what the rest of you plan to do with your cut.”
Sephiroth: “Something less disturbing, I can assure you.”
(#187. Behind the Music…Again)

Richter: “I could get the old cattle prod out of storage…”
Franswa: “No!!” *jumps on his bed and gets in the fetal position*
Richter: *laughing* “I was just kidding! Ha ha!” *blink* “Franswa?” *frowns* “Wow. That did scar you for life like they said it would.”
(#172, My Cousin Hughy)

Rufus: “I have to hand it to you, Reno. You think well on your feet.”
Reno: *shrugs* “Well when you gotta lie as much as I do you get kind of good at pulling stuff out of your ass.”
Rufus: *frowns* “Like the time you told me you couldn’t come into work because you were kidnapped and held for ransom by a bunch of nomad eskimos?”
Reno: *pales* “Uh…no. That really happened.”
(#166, I Still STILL Hate St. Patrick’s Day!)

Ashley: “Seifer! Where did you get that map of Paris?”
Seifer: “Twilight was selling them for five bucks.”
Ashley: *smacks him upside the head* “You freakin’ baka! That’s not Paris! That’s New York City! He just crossed that out and spelled Paris at the top! And he spelled it WRONG I might add!”
Seifer: “Oh! Now this makes sense! For a second there I was questioning the authenticity of the Statue of Liberty.”
(#103, The Amazing Nap)

Reno: “I didn’t *really* go to jail all those times! I was visiting, I swear!”
(#14, Hey! Who Da Hell is ‘Roth?)

Algus: “Nonsense, slave! If you believe that than you do not know the power of money!”
Zidane: “I know the power it has to make you a jackass.”
(#150, Sephiroth’s Award)

Kuja: *huge sigh* “Gap. And that’s as low as I’ll go.”
Scarlet: *sigh* “Fine. Can we shop from the sale racks?”
Kuja: “Stuff only goes on sale because nobody else wants it. Do you want to wear clothes that no one else would be caught dead in?”
Scarlet: “…Yes…?”
(#185, Family Fitness)

Rufus: “There was a small accident at the gas station I had him working at.”
Lark: “Did it involve a fire?”
Rufus: “It burned for a week.”
Lark: “Rufus! That’s awful!”
Rufus: “What?! It’s not like any of them really cared! At most they looked slightly inconvenienced!”
(#195, Where There’s a Will, There’s a Way)

Locke: “Hey, Shadow. What’s up? Taking Interceptor for a walk?”
Shadow: “No! I am trying to restrain him! He’s out for blood! Out for blood I tell you! Now be gone! Before he drops a house on you too!”
Locke: “Whoa… I see you’ve taken your extra crazy pills this morning. I’ll catch you later.” *he leaves*
(#176, Snake In Da House)

Zidane: “You?! I’m being paid in Cheez-Its! Cheez-Its! What’s in that stuff anyway? I don’t even know! It could be poison!” *shakes rude by the shoulders* “I could have agreed to be paid in poison!”
(#187. Behind the Music…Again)

Reeve: “Kuja, why didn’t you ever mention having a boyfriend before?”
Kuja: “As I’ve said, no one asked.”
Tseng: “But isn’t that the kind of thing that comes up in conversation?”
Kuja: “In Loser land?”
Tseng: “…I withdraw my question.”
(#118, Bidding On the Birthday Girl)

Rufus: *frowns* “No. Now Mr. Jingles wants to be entertained. And you will entertain him.”
Tseng: “I don’t think that’s very fair considering he didn’t do a very good job of entertaining us.”
(#174, A Day In the Life of Mr. Jingles)

Trini: “Let’s go dance, Irvine!”
Irvine: “To a slow song? You can’t grind to that!”
Trini: “So? You still get to touch a girl!”
Irvine: “All right, ya sold me.”
(#199, To Have and to Hold)

Alucard: “Did he answer the ad on too?”
Dracula: “Nope! I also put one on!”
Alucard and Vincent: *give twilight a weird look*
Twilight: “Hey, Opal found it, okay!”
Dracula: “Don’t worry! I love to eat puppies too! Let’s go in the back and get your uniform!”
(#140, A Bar, a Restaurant and a Fast Food Disaster)

Elena: “Don’t worry, Tifa. It can’t be worse than being stranded in a car in the middle of a blizzard and having to have the baby’s gay father deliver the baby.”
Richter: “Certainly not! Tifa will labor at home without drugs and surrounded by the Belmonts of every generation!”
Girls: *jaw drops*
Lark: “What are you, Scientologists?”
(#181, Brave New Belmont)

Nightmare: *getting up* “Nightmare has found a way to express himself through interpretative dance!” *starts dancing like a ballarina*
(#174, A Day In the Life of Mr. Jingles)

Lark: “All your brothers will be on your team, except San Diego. I put him on a different team.”
Irvine: “He’s kinda already on a different team anyway.”
(#134, Life is Taxing (part one)

Sephiroth: *frowns* “Do you ever wear a shirt?”
Dante: “Do you ever take that mask off? Oh – wait. Sorry. I forgot that was your face.”
(#182, Sailing For Adventure (part one)

Scarlet: “Honey, your parents are people who worked hard to get where they are. I slept and blackmailed my way to the top.”
Sunshine: “Blackmailed?!”
Scarlet: “Well even I didn’t wanna sleep with Palmer.”
(#185, Family Fitness)

Sephiroth: “For the LAST TIME. NO SKUNKS in the pool!”
Heidegger: *points to stinky* “Gya haa haa! Swim trunks!”
Sephiroth: “I don’t CARE if he has swim trunks! No animals in the pool! You don’t see Red in the pool!”
*points to where red is curled up pitifully in the corner*
Red: “I am surpressing tears.”
(#104, Splash From the Past (part one)

King Sephiroth: “Now that is just preposterous! I may rock, but come on! No one’s *that* self centered!”
Queen Lark: “You spend two hours a day just brushing your hair.”
King Sephiroth: “So I’m a bit high matinence! Is that a crime?”
Queen Shell: “Not in my kingdom!”
(#170, Final Fairy Tales III – Ever After)

Dracula: “Alucard! You have to watch this! They really captured my life story perfectly!”
Alucard: “Dad, that’s Frosty the Snowman. Dracula ended twenty minutes ago.”
(#142, Halloween Is For Vampires)

Scarlet: “Okay, sweethearts, that’s enough of that.” *sigh* “Seymour, don’t you value your friend’s life? She could easily get crushed to death by him if he accidentally rolls over on her!”
Nida: “Once he sat on a folding chair, and the whole thing fell to pieces. And then those pieces fell into pieces, and those pieces broke into more pieces.”
(#124, Fat Becomes Her)

Tom Nook: “What *are* you anyway?”
Red: “…Is that really important? Why is what speicies I am so important? Does it really matter? It is clear to all that I am a living, breathing, sentient being who is capable of feelings. And despite this, I am constantly asked what I am. Why should I answer? Why does it matter? Why must I be classified into a specific category based on what my kind have been labelled as? I have a name. My name is Red XIII. Cannot I simply be addressed and regarded by who I really, truly am?”
Tom Nook: “…Yeah, but…what *are* you?”
Red: *hangs head* “It seems the speech I have spent five years practicing has been wasted.”
(#135, Life is Taxing (part two)

Sephiroth: “Is that the freak who kept talking to Otakon?”
Rufus: “He can talk to the ceiling for all I care. As long as his rent’s on time!”
(#152, Strip Away Your Problems)

251 – 300

Dante: “Yup. Sure beats the freaks with the diseased mouse.”
Alucard: “Was it diseased or just disturbed?”
Dante: “Either way I don’t wanna know.”
(#199, To Have and to Hold)

Scarlet: “Anyway! I went into labor about a month later. I have to admit, Sunshine, you came out pretty easily.”
Heidegger: “I’m surprised she didn’t just fall out! Gya haa haa!”
(#164, Growing Up Shinra)

Alucard: *sigh* “Five hundred and sixty years of torture and what have I got to show for it?”
Sephiroth: “A lot of drunken embarrassing stories. And that’s about it.”
(#198, Truth Be Told)

Alucard: “And he has to sleep in his coffin. Sometimes he has a hard time getting to sleep so you have to read him a story.”
Koudelka: “Is this your father or your two year old?”
(#154, Home Is Where You Hang Your Heart)

Lloyd: “You’re a jackass, Dante! And my online boyfriend had to change our meeting to next week.”
Dante: “Wow, Lloyd. You can scare off someone who can’t even see you? That’s amazingly sad.”
(#190, Love Conquers All)

Lion: “Something pulled my tail!” *pause* “Wait…it was me. Never mind.”
Tin Man: “Moron. Maybe you’re not the only one who needs a brain, Scarecrow.”
(#27, To Oz?)

Vincent: *sigh* “Well at least I’m trying.”
Sephiroth: “I’m *trying*!”
Vincent: “Angel, the only thing you’ve been trying to do is see yourself in every reflective surface.”
Sephiroth: *frowns and tries to look at himself in yet another reflective surface* “I don’t like the way my
hair came out today.”
(#198, Truth Be Told)

Koudelka: “So, I have this doctor guy coming in here later. He’s going to be joining your group.”
Yuri: “A doctor? Ca-ching!”
(#162, Somewhere In My Memory (part one)

Tifa: “…………..” *crosses arms across her chest* “If you must know…I’ve been saving myself for Cloud.”
Everyone: “…………..” *looks at cloud who is now dancing around in circles to the teletubbies humming to himself*
Reno: “….You’re f*#$%#@ kidding me, right?”
Rufus: “He’s brain dead!”
Shell: “And gay!”
(#138, The Monster Mash Fiasco)

Alucard: “Two beers.”
Sephiroth: “I thought you said you weren’t drinking.”
Alucard: “Beers aren’t drinking.”
Sephiroth: “…This night is gonna end badly…”
(#188, Too Legit To Strip)

Algus: “What is all this blue fluff lying around?”
Cecilia: “Oh, that’s Hanpan. He’s started shedding. The doctor said it’s stress.”
Hanpan: “I’m hideous! HIDEOUS!”
(#194, Fall of the House of Ramble)

Shell: *whines* “*Rude*! Where’s my car?”
Rude: “It’s my car, Shell.”
Shell: *blinks* “No, Rude. Your line is: ‘sweet’.”
Rude: “Sweet, Shell. Sweet.”
Shell: *sighs and shakes her head* “You just took all the humor out of that line, Rude.”
(#84, Ha Ha! You’re Old!)

Hojo: *slams down the phone and collapses in tears* “I already know how to count!!!”
Yuri: “…What’s with Dr. Demento over there?”
Koudelka: “I guess that trick phone of yours is slowly driving him inside.”
Yuri: “We have *got* to install some cameras.”
(#154, Home Is Where You Hang Your Heart)

Vincent: “Angel, what did the therapist say?”
Sephiroth: *mimicking the therapist* “Please don’t hit me again!” *laughs*
(#132, Being Gay A-Okay)

Sephiroth: “You look even more tired than usual. Your dad start trying to summon the god of cheese again?”
Alucard: “No. It’s…actually Dante this time.”
Sephiroth: “Is he up all night itching from his diseases?”
(#192, Return of the Max)

Dracula: “I’m still hungry. Do you have any other dead cows here?”
Death: “I think that was the only one.”
Dracula: “Well can’t you kill one? You’re Death!”
(#135, Life is Taxing (part two)

Lloyd: “I’ll play! We can start a new game! Maybe we can be friends! I’m Vergil, what’s your name?”
Twilight: “…I don’t think so, buddy.” *stands up* “Just looking at you makes me feel like I already won!” *leaves*
Lloyd: *frowns* “…I wish I could say that was the first time I heard that.”
(#194, Fall of the House of Ramble)

Zidane: “Ah, mistletoe at Christmas. Nothing gets more akward. Hey, Sephiroth you wanna step into the doorway with me?”
Sephiroth: “No.”
Zidane: “Alucard?”
Alucard: “No thank you.”
Zidane: “Brady?”
Brady: “That was Hojo.”
(#151, How Rufus Stole Christmas)

Zell: “Rufus!! Rufus!! I just heard about Mr. Jingles!!”
Sephiroth: “Oh g-d, here it comes.”
Zell: *tears in eyes* “I am *so* sorry! How could they take him away!? He was just an innocent bear!”
Rufus: “All he ever wanted to do was love!”
(#146, Homeward Bound – The Ripoff)

Shell: “And I bought her such an expensive gift. …If she doesn’t come, we’re taking it back, Rude.”
Rude: “Yes, Shell.”
Shell: “You know I don’t mean back to the store, right, Rude?”
Rude: “Of course I do, Shell.”
(#116, Happy Birthday To…Who?)

Rufus: “That’s what I thought. You know, don’t you think they should *not* do…*that* right before the wedding?”
Sephiroth: “It’s way the hell too late to save Tseng’s virginity anyway.”
(#114, You May Now Kiss The…Groom?)

Nida: *reading one of the tubes* “Uh, Ashley… Does ‘take rectally’ mean what I think it means?”
Scarlet: “I’LL KILL THAT WHORE!!!”
(#133, Ow! My Piloting Boobs!)

Elena: *uncomfortable* “Um, I don’t know if I can seat you. Is Heidegger going to eat everything?”
Scarlet: “It should be okay. We hit 10 McDonalds on the way over here.”
Nida: “And two Burger Kings.”
Heidegger: “I pre-gamed! Gya haa haa!”
(#140, A Bar, a Restaurant and a Fast Food Disaster)

Captain Roth: “Can you believe that is my crew? Because I can’t!”
Vee: *shrug* “You did pick us all up at that erotic dance club.”
Captain Roth: “Not Random Pirate #2!”
Vee: “…He was a stowaway.”
(#180, The [Bleep-ing] Awesome Adventures of Briter Bran)

Zell: “Hurry! We need to find a virgin!”
Girls: “………………”
Ashley: “Well don’t look in this room!”
(#138, The Monster Mash Fiasco)

Lizzie: “You know, Laguna, I’ve been thinking. I think there’s more to Kiros than meets the eye.”
Laguna: “Hey hey! What’s that mean? Should I get some 3D glasses?!”
(#77, Bows, Arrows, and Black Materia)

Dracula: *walking by with the 1812 overture playing from inside him* “There I go again! I am *so* musical!”
(#145, Thanks But No Thanks)

Sephiroth: “Oh crap. The one day Dracula eats my phone!”
Lark: “What?!”
Sephiroth: “You don’t wanna go there. Trust me.”
(#144, Lily of the Snow Valley)

Seymour’s voice: *in the background* “Omg, I think I found what she’s been dying her eyebrows with.”
Kuja’s voice: “Don’t breathe it in.”
(#177, This Is Shinra Inc.)

Sephiroth: “Try telling that to Vincent. All he does is follow me around all day while that other guy follows him. I feel like a friggen choo choo train.”
Everyone: *blink blink*
Sephiroth: “…Oh crap. Did I just say choo choo train?”
(#113, The Ramble Room Mafia)

Scarlet: *picks up a picture and frowns* “This isn’t you. That nametag in the picture says ‘Squall’.”
Nida: *snatches it back and puts it down* “It was Halloween.”
Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! A lot of these are Halloween then!”
Nida: “Shut up, Heidegger!”
(#94, Ye Old Crappiest Vacation Ever! (part one)

Twilight: “Gross! That thing looks nastier than Dracula! …No offense.”
Dracula: “Haha, that Dracula is quite disgusting looking.”
Twilight: *looks confused*
Death: “Sometimes he forgets who he is.”
Alucard: “One time he thought was the king of France for a whole week. I can’t tell you how many problems that caused. He had to be forcibly escorted out of the DMV.”
(#134, Life is Taxing (part one)

Sephiroth: “The important thing is that I totally kicked ass in that movie.”
Irvine: “Cloud beat you.”
Sephiroth: “I *chose* to leave!”
(#172, My Cousin Hughy)

Sephiroth: *to dracula* “You stupid, rotting geezer! I’m a man too!”
Dracula: “Alucard, tell this old woman to quiet down.”
(#158, The Museum of Modern Mayhem)

Nida: “I’m covered in spit!”
Scarlet: “Me too. But I’m kind of used to it.”
(#114, You May Now Kiss The…Groom?)

Twilight: “Out of my way, loser!” *pushes wu-fei away from homeplate*
(#23, There Are No Gundams In Baseball!)

Shell: *sniffs tseng* “You smell like Reeve.”
Tseng: *sweat drops* “…I…uh…don’t see how that could be.”
Rufus: “Sure you can’t.”
(#72, Ramble Room Is Falling Down My Fair Larky)

Algus: “We’ll also urge them to ‘collect them all’. I hear that phrase used constantly in TV commericals.”
Rufus: “I seriously think that’s impossible in this case.”
Algus: “All the better.” *smile*
(#113, The Ramble Room Mafia)

Lloyd: “You don’t look anything like your picture.”
Hojo: “Well, that photo wasn’t really recent. Or of me.”
(#190, Love Conquers All)

Lark: “I wouldn’t talk–you and Vincent had a HUGE *GRAPHIC* argument about who was better in bed!”
Sephiroth: “You came back so you could hear it!”
Lark: “……..that’s besides the point!!”
(#76, Till Death Do Us…WHAT?!)

Hojo: “Son! Can I come too?”
Sephiroth: “Over my dead body, Vincent’s, and the licky licky monster’s.”
Hojo: “But the licky licky monster can’t die!”
Sephiroth: “I’ve made my point.”
(#114, You May Now Kiss The…Groom?)

Kuja: “No. I’m just going to the ramble room to see Tseng. My sixth sense is telling me that this whole Elena thing didn’t go over too well.”
Scarlet: “I thought your sixth sense told you when Sephora was having a sale.”
Kuja: *flips hair over shoulder* “I have many talents.”
(#130, Who’s Your Daddy?)

250 – 201

Sephiroth: “…Was he making that up?”
Alucard: *shrug* “Eh. We have skeletons, but I wouldn’t call them pets.”
Sephiroth: “That’s reassuring.”
(#141, I Am Belmont, Hear Me Roar)

Sephiroth: “Now you’re coming over here? Who’s next? The ghost of idiot decisions yet to come?”
(#194, Fall of the House of Ramble)

Dracula: “Death – get my festive sombrero!”
(#168, Mr. T. Jangles)

Hojo: “Why what an intelligent question! What a smart little boy!” *pats him on the head* “The claw is actually connected right to Vincent’s muscles and nerves! So moving it is as natural as moving your arm! He feels no pain at all!”
Vincent: “Except the pain in my heart.”
(#129, Shinra TV – Now In Color)

Lark: “Okay. We’re going. Kuja, you wanna come?”
Other losers: *gasp in shock*
Scarlet: “She invited Kuja to go with them!!”
Nida: “He’s been chosen!”
(#114, You May Now Kiss The…Groom?)

Hanpan: “Hey… What’s this burning?!” *looks at himself under the cover* “What did you do to me, bitch?!”
(#165, Quit Playing Games With My Head)

Reno: “Whoa! Did you see those pink elephants go by in the hot air balloons and bicycles?”
(#58, Too Close To Call)

Reno: “So I heard from Tseng that Rufus is redoing his will.”
Rude: “He’d probably sooner leave something to a random goat than leave anything to me.”
(#195, Where There’s a Will, There’s a Way)

Sephiroth: “What the hell did they even want it for?”
Lucretia: “An gym.”
Brady: “A zombie gym?”
Lucretia: “No. Just a gym for their employees.”
Brady: “Their *zombie* employees?”
Lucretia: “No… just the regular employees.”
Brady: *frowns* “Oh.”
(#135, Life is Taxing (part two)

Nightmare: *sings* “Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match! Find me a find! Catch me a catch!” *says* “Nightmare loves musicals!”
Nemesis: *two thumbs up* “STARS!”
(#173, Tag Sale of Horrors)

Ashley: “Well…I guess a bus will come soon…I mean, I guess that’s how we got here…”
Seifer: “Yeah…unless we took a magic, haunted bus and somehow ended up in hell!”
(#29, Too Much of a Good Thing)

Sephiroth: “I just wanted to become one with the planet, man! Is that so much for a guy to ask?”
(#20, Nida’s Night Out)

Seymour: “Well he better be back soon.”
Kuja: “Tell me about it. Every breath of your perfume makes my lungs want to collapse.”
(#195, Where There’s a Will, There’s a Way)

Sephiroth: “This is gonna be great! When I’m through with him he’ll never be able to hear the word push-up again without crying!”
Lark: “Uh, the underlying goal here is to get Irvine to pass this test, Sephiroth. Not scar him for life.”
Sephiroth: “Why do one when you can do both?”
(#169, How Irvine Got His Groove Back)

Ashley: “So you work for Relena? You know she’s a stalking freak, right?”
Jake: “Yeah. She had me trim a topiary of that guy.” *points to heero*
Heero: “I will destroy it.”
Jake: “…Could you please not? It took me forever.”
(#134, Life is Taxing (part one)

King Seifer: “I’m back! I’m back because you missed me.” *hugs her*
Queen Ashley: “I didn’t miss you. I’ve been watching Lord of the Rings for the past few hours and missing Orlando Bloom whenever he wasn’t on screen.”
(#170, Final Fairy Tales III – Ever After)

Zell: “I think I saw my name!”
Squall: “No you didn’t. Unless you’re Superman.”
Zell: *eyes light up* “Cool!! I’m Superman!?”
(#86, Rufus Makes A Movie)

Irvine: *thoughtfully* “Well, I did sleep with this foreign chick last night…”
Reno: “No, dude, she was just from New Jersey.”
Irvine: “She was? The blonde?”
Reno: “Dude. She had brown hair.”
(#138, The Monster Mash Fiasco)

Reeve: “But isn’t Reno security?”
Tseng: “There are cameras in all the dressing rooms. Including the lingere section.”
Reeve: “So basically I could wheel whole displays out the door and there’s not a chance he would even get up.”
Tseng: “Exactly.”
(#137, Come See the Softer Side of Shinra)

Elena: “…When was the last time we actually had a job? It doesn’t even feel like we work here anymore.”
Reno: “According to the government we don’t. I’ve been collecting unemployment for months.”
Elena: “Aren’t you collecting disability too?”
Reno: “Oh yeah.”
Elena: “But you’re not disabled.”
Reno: “I stubbed my pinky toe that one time.”
(#129, Shinra TV – Now In Color)

Sephiroth: “Kuja! He’s a man!”
Shell: “Nine out of ten people can’t tell.”
(#199, To Have and to Hold)

Rufus: *lifelessly* “I’m dead. I’m a goner. She thought it was great that I beat up a preganant woman for gods sake.I’m gonna have to marry that troll, and then I’ll probably never be seen again.”
Reno: “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
Rufus: *bursts out crying*
(#132, Being Gay A-Okay)

Reno: “…Anyway, who wants booze?”
Rufus: “It’s nine o’clock in the morning!”
Irvine: “It is! I thought it was six o’clock!”
Reno: “No, man. Your watch is on upside down.”
Irvine: “Oh… My bad.”
(#117, I STILL Hate St. Patrick’s Day)

Sephiroth: “Ask for money again and you’ll be using what you got left to pay your medical bills.”
(#137, Come See the Softer Side of Shinra)

Tseng: “Saddle? But you don’t even have a horse!”
Rufus: “No. But in case I want one I already have the saddle.”
(#151, How Rufus Stole Christmas)

Rufus: “I hope you put as much effort into your school work as you do finding people to pick up in bars!”
Reno: “If that’s the case, Rufus, I’ll be goin’ to Harvard next year!”
(#143, School’s In Forever)

Zell: “Joke’s on him then, cause we’ll still be able to kick their asses! Right, Squall?”
Squall: *squaks* “Whatever.” *whistles*
Rinoa: “No one talk to Squall!”
(#60, Animal Farm)

Quarte: “I think the wedding is beautiful, Noelle. Just beautiful. The flowers are beautiful, the cake is beatiful, the tuxedos are beautiful, the floor is beautiful, the dishes are beautiful, the chandeliers are beautiful, the tableclothes are beautiful, the chairs are beautiful, the guests are beautiful, the rings are beautiful, the music is beautiful!”
Ashley: “…Noelle…why did you let him finish?”
Noelle: *turning red* “HE DIDN’T SAY THE TAFETTA IS BEAUTIFUL!!”
Quatre: “Meep!”
(#114, You May Now Kiss The…Groom?)

Lark: “Hey, you! How was Alucard’s party?”
Sephiroth: “Drunk.”
Lark: “What?”
Sephiroth: “I don’t know.” *plops down on the couch* “All I remember is the booze.”
(#198, Truth Be Told)

Nida: “And where’s this hole gonna be? Not in our yard! I’m going to plant a victory garden!”
Scarlet: “What the hell is that?”
Nida: “I’m going to plant a tomato plant for every time I beat Squall at something.”
Scarlet: “Oh, fantastic. Soon we’ll have a desert back there.”
(#128, Some Porn Can Be Bad)

Brady: “Cool. I just hope they don’t go on and on about how thankful they are about how they fought Dracula.”
Lark: “Me too. That would kill the party faster than the time Reno tried to do the Mexican hat dance.”
(#145, Thanks But No Thanks)

Yuri: “I can’t deal with these freaks anymore! Rudy tried to hump me!”
Koudelka: “You probably liked it.”
Yuri: “That’s not the point!”
(#198, Truth Be Told)

Lloyd: “Uh, it wasn’t me. It was this…uh…Rufus brand talking spatula!” *drops it on the floor and steps on it* “Damn spatula! Be nicer!”
Box: “……Rufus Shinra is not responsible for any toxic chemicals that may leak from this talking spatula!”
Lloyd: *steps on it again* “Shut up!”
(#190, Love Conquers All)

Nida: “Yeah! They wouldn’t let me do my stand up comedy act!”
Scarlet: “I don’t see why not. You face inspires laughs all by itself.”
(#144, Lily of the Snow Valley)

Cloud: “I don’t know why we’re paying money to have you sit here and chat with us.”
Yuri: “I could talk dirty, if that would help.”
Cloud and Squall: *confused stare*
Yuri: *clears throat awkwardly and mumbles* “Not into that kind of thing I guess.”
(#192, Return of the Max)

Lloyd: “I almost got another job! But they gave it to that elephant instead!”
Dante: *stares blankly* “…To an elephant.”
Lloyd: “Yeah!” *mutters* “motherf****** elephant.”
(#198, Truth Be Told)

Dracula: “Are you a girl scout?! Are you selling girl scout cookies?! I love to eat girl scout cookies!” *cocks head and thinks* “Wait. Maybe I like to eat girl scouts.”
Sephiroth: “Is Alucard here?”
Dracula: “I know a girl scout song! Let’s sing it together!” *sings* “There’s something in my pocket!” *puts hand in pocket* “Hey! There really is something in my pocket!” *takes out one of his fingers* “Hey! I was looking for that!”
(#194, Fall of the House of Ramble)

Tseng: “Her entire life is undecided. She’s far from stupid, but her grades aren’t very good. She just doesn’t try. All she does is go out with her friends and talk to boys. And I’m not stupid. I know she’s been having sex.”
Rufus: *mutters* “Well the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree.”
Tseng: *glares* “I heard that.”
(#196, Time Heals No Wounds)

Shadow: “…Were you in my closet this whole time?”
Kuja: “Yeah.”
Shadow: *chin trembles* “I’m the worst ninja ever!” *sobs*
Kuja: “You also dress badly.”
Seymour: *comes over to him* “I think you’ve already hurt him enough.”
Kuja: *shrugs* “He deserves to know.”
(#195, Where There’s a Will, There’s a Way)

Sephiroth: *winces* “Oh g-d no. Please tell me it’s not that retarded holiday again.”
Reno: “You mean your *favorite* holiday…?”
Sephiroth: “Shut up. That is so five years ago.”
(#166, I Still STILL Hate St. Patrick’s Day!)

Nida: *whispers to scarlet* “I don’t think they’re getting along!”
Scarlet: “Oh, wow, Nida. You are smarter than the average bear.”
(#112, It’s Possible To Sink Even Lower)

Tifa: “I wouldn’t come to your house if you paid me.”
Reno: “I hope not, cause that would make you a whore!” *laughs*
(#78, Lark Has Another Dream)

Hojo: *holds it up* “In this little vial I hold the power to turn humans into animals and animals into less powerful, obscure animals.”
Scarlet: *twirls finger* “Whoo hoo. What the hell are you going to do with that? Make the zoo less interesting?”
(#60, Animal Farm)

Sephiroth: “Come on! This is really disgusting! He probably has diseases!”
Irvine: “I do not! You probably have cooties!”
Sephiroth: “Cooties?! What, are you in second grade!?”
(#51, Uses For An Empty Bottle)

Dracula: “Sure did! I saw it with my own two eyes!”
Inspector: “…You only have one eye.”
Dracula: “I do?” *chuckles* “Well that certainly makes things less awkward! I thought you had half your face torn off!”
(#140, A Bar, a Restaurant and a Fast Food Disaster)

Sephiroth: “What?! Is it because you’re dating this skank? Because she’ll dump you for someone hotter!”
Trini: “Hey!”
Irvine: “Hey!” *pause* “We are *not* dating!”
(#199, To Have and to Hold)

Alucard: “Senile? You’re telling me. You haven’t even seen the half of it. Once, he kept getting me and death confused. He took death to the father/son vampire picnic! And another time he thought I was one of the Belmonts! I had to sprinkle holy water outside my door to keep him from killing me in my sleep! And you can imagine how hard it was for me to leave my room! One night I had to go to the bathroom and I forgot about the holy water, and I burned a hole in my foot! It took a month to heal!”
Lark: “Aw, I’m sorry, Alucard. What turned your dad from the prince of darkness to the prince of ‘why is it dark out’?”
(#126, Silver Hair Concerto)

Reno: “Uh… Have you guys been smoking something?”
Barret: “Yo! What you be implying?”
Reno: “No, really, have you, because I really could use something.”
(#95, Ye Old Crappiest Vacation Ever! (part two)

Brady: “You guys ever been to a AA meeting?”
Irvine: “Why would I bother? I don’t have a car.”
Brady: *mutters* “Oh boy.”
(#120, Highly Flammable)

Seifer: “Uh… I think I have fifteen cents…”
Rufus: Fifteen cents?!?!”
Seifer: *shifty eyes* “I had to buy some medicine.”
Squall: “Viagra isn’t medicine.”
Seifer: “Shut up, Squall!”
(#101, Yuri-in For a Big Surprise)

200 – 151

Tseng: *looks at the body* “Looks like someone snapped his neck. Didn’t even try to crush the windpipe. Just grabbed him by the head and…” *makes the motion with his hands* “Clean work. Whoever it was knew what they were doing.”
Gippal and Dante: *blink blink*
Tseng: “What?”
Gippal: “How do you know all that?”
Tseng: “Uh…Discovery Channel.”
(#189, Tseng Works Hard For the Money)

Alucard: “Death’s home.”
Dante: “And he ran into Cousin scare-the-sh*t-out-of-you.”
(#181, Brave New Belmont)

Sephiroth: “Alucard, I’m no hospitality expert, but I’m pretty sure nothing says welcome to the neighborhood worse than asking if they’ve seen your escaped three-headed hellhound!”
(#152, Strip Away Your Problems)

Girl: “Are you the parent of any of these kids?”
Hojo: “Not unless one of the children is a silver haired, green eyed, sword wielding maniac claiming he’s going to become one with the planet.”
(#119, Here On Varsity’s Island)

Kuja: “What’s the difference. He already ate all the sprinkles.”
Heidegger: “I decorated the inside of my stomach! Gya haa haa!”
(#151, How Rufus Stole Christmas)

Dracula: “Alucard, did you know light bulbs are crunchy? ‘Cause I didn’t! And they taste like glass! And glass doesn’t taste good!”
(#181, Brave New Belmont)

Hojo: “There you are!! I was trying to call! But the phone was malfunctioning! It kept connecting me to people singing about duckies or yammering on about cookies!”
Kuja: “Maybe you really do belong here.”
(#154, Home Is Where You Hang Your Heart)

Rufus: *looks it over* “What the hell is this?”
Reno: “My Christmas list!”
Rufus: “…Are you kidding?”
Reno: *blink blink* “Did I pass out and miss December again?”
(#109, Mr. Valentine Tells a Rufus Carol)

Alucard: “He is so hot.”
Sephiroth: “Yeah. If you like your men with a side order of venereal disease.”
(#188, Too Legit To Strip)

Rufus: “Well Reno and Irvine want to open a bar on my property. I said sure! My wallet’s always open! And if any bills get wrinkled, they just go in the trash anyway.”
Algus: “Of course.”
Zidane: “Wait, *what*?”
(#140, A Bar, a Restaurant and a Fast Food Disaster)

Sephiroth: “The idiot probably just wandered off!”
Irvine: “No! It was totally mummies! They probably thought he was one of their own!”
Sephiroth: “If that was true they would have taken Vincent.”
(#158, The Museum of Modern Mayhem)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I cleaned out the breakfast buffet!”
Hojo: “He really did. People were running for their lives.”
(#183, Sailing For Adventure (part two)

Barret: “Damn right, Cid! Shu’ up, T-rex!”
Red: “I wish I was a T-rex. Because then I would eat you.”
(#163, Somewhere In My Memory (part two)

Dracula: “Alucard, look! These statues are broken too!”
Alucard: “But you broke the ones we have at home, dad.”
Dracula: “They were trying to kill me!”
(#158, The Museum of Modern Mayhem)

Quistis: “I meant to steal…er…lift…er…snatch…er…uh…what’s a name for when you take something from the store but you don’t steal it?”
Rinoa: *blink blink* “*Buy*?”
(#187. Behind the Music…Again)

Nida: “Yes! I can’t suck up to Xu like I did to Headmaster Cid!”
Kuja: “Because then it’s called sexual harassment.”
(#154, Home Is Where You Hang Your Heart)

Dante: “Hey, baby.” *sees sephiroth* “Taking out the trash?”
Sephiroth: “No. Apparently he likes it inside the house.”
(#161, Lloyd Goes Tribal)

Hanpan: *sobs* “Who will love me now?!”
Rudy: “I will.”
Hanpan: *cries harder*
(#194, Fall of the House of Ramble)

Auron: “Are you all right? I sensed you were sad.”
Sephiroth: “What is this? Lassie come home?”
(#137, Come See the Softer Side of Shinra)

Quistis: “Oh, you all should know by now I’m a klepto!”
Barret: “Ugh! Yo, havin’ sex with dead people just ain’t right!”
(#135, Life is Taxing (part two)

Alucard: “What are you doing here?”
Sephiroth: “Just checking to make sure the syphilis hasn’t killed Dante yet.”
(#178, This Is The Life (part one)

Dalla’s voice: “It’s a city…”
Ashley’s voice: “WHATEVER! OH!”
(#69, An Irvine In The Hand Is Worth 7 In The Barn)

Zell: “I kinda…kinda like another guy. You know…like *that*.”
Squall: “Is it me?”
Zell: “Not anymore.”
Squall: “What?”
Zell: “Uh, I mean no.”
(#191, The Taste of Success)

Ashley: “Do you have any idea how bad he is in bed? Do you know how bad I have to fake it? I should get an Academy Award!”
(#101, Yuri-in For a Big Surprise)

Barret: “Yo! We gonna find where flipper belongs!”
Red: “….Flipper was a dolphin.”
Cid: “#$%#^$&%%*^*^#$^@!”
Barret: “Yo, you tell ‘im, Cid! Now, come on, flipper! Faster than lightin’!”
(#91, Zoo Babies)

Rufus: “What?!!?”
Ethel: “THAT’S WHAT THEY MAKE THESE FOR!” *pulls out a rufus brand condom*
Rufus: *paling* “Oh my god, I hate myself.”
(#132, Being Gay A-Okay)

Dante: “What is a sexual food chain anyway?”
Sephiroth: *annoyed sigh* “Do I have to explain it to everyone? It’s like the food chain but for sex! People who are good are at the top and people who suck are Zidane.”
(#185, Family Fitness)

Seifer: “I’ll suck you!” *pause* “That didn’t sound right.”
(#66, Sephiroth Land)

Uncle Herb: “Immortality is a wonderful thing, you know. I’ve seen the rise and fall of kings and countries and men! There are so many other perks too! I bet you’ve dreamed of what it would be like to turn into a bat, or sleep in a coffin at night!”
Sephiroth: “..Actually, I’ve done that. My ex-boyfriend had major issues.”
(#139, And That’s the Way the Vampires Have Their Picnic)

Sephiroth: “We have to find out who’s been sucking up Sephiroth!”
Tseng: *giggles*
Sephiroth: “Oh grow up, Tseng.”
(#59, Sucking Up Sephiroth)

King Brady: *jaw drops* “B-b-but, you don’t understand! I would have been here sooner, but I had to journey through all of my kingdom first, and it’s covered in dense forests! And there was this whole thing with this girl getting mauled by a dog – it was a huge mess. And I thought I had finally reached the right kingdom, but the only big news there was this guy getting turned into a frog. So then I rode into the next kingdom, I figured that has to be it, right? But no. The only thing I ran across there was a strange little man in the woods who constantly laughed to himself. At this point I was kind of tired, but I had to fulfill my destiny, so I rode into the next kingdom. But this one was full of unhappy peasants who were waiting to revolt. So I hurried on to the next kingdom. After after dealing with deep, dark forests, people turning into frogs, strange little men who talked to themselves and revolting peasants, I thought hey, by this time, I’ve gotta be in the right one. But no. No. This time there was only a cursed prince who had been turned into a beast. No cursed princesses. At this point I had almost given up hope. But I knew that I had to fulfill the prophecy and save the princess who had been cursed to sleep forever – only to awaken at true love’s kiss! So I travelled through that whole kingdom and finally – FINALLY I found the right one. And now you’re trying to tell me that the princess I’ve journeyed so long to save no longer needs saving?!”
King Sephiroth: “Nope. We’re good.”
(#170, Final Fairy Tales III – Ever After)

Rufus: “What have you guys done that’s so great? You bullied a couple of plumbers and stole a Princess a few times! Big deal! Anybody could shoot fireballs with an elevator going back and forth above his head – way to set up your own death, brainiac! And you’re a duck who stole a star rod and stopped some dreams! That is all kinds of gay! And you’re a freak in scary armor with a big sword! That’s real original! And Dracula’s just totally out of it–”
Dracula: *chuckles* “That I am!”
(#150, Sephiroth’s Award)

Tinker Shell: “I’m not a pixie. I’m a fairy. Pixies are whores.”
(#180, The [Bleep-ing] Awesome Adventures of Briter Bran)

Zell: “I slept with Mr. Jingles while you were gone.”
Rufus: *gasps* “Mr. Jingles! You slut!”
Tseng: *looking up from his paper* “What?”
Sephiroth: “No, Tseng. For once no one was talking about you.”
(#148, Porch Swing Appreciation Day)

Zidane: *blink blink* “Wait a minute. Who is throwing money in the garbage?”
Rude: “I would also like to know.”
Shell: “Ew, Rude! You are not touching money that’s been in the garbage.”
Rude: *sigh* “Yes, Shell.”
(#140, A Bar, a Restaurant and a Fast Food Disaster)

Kuja: “I already consider looking as good as I do a part time job.”
(#119, Here On Varsity’s Island)

Sephiroth: “What?! She’s not a…a…a…thing to be passed around!”
Reno: *laughs* “What, like a joint?”
(#61, Ways To Spell I Love You)

Squall: “That was mean.”
Sephiroth: “Shut up Squall or Leon or Sheila or whatever your stupid name is!”
(#171, Reno’s ‘Special’ Brownies)

Laguna: “Hey hey! How you kids doing? You staying in school and staying out of drugs?”
Squall: “No.”
(#113, The Ramble Room Mafia)

Zidane: “This a retarded waste of time. There’s not going to be anything weird going on out here. We could be nesteled all snug in our beds with visions of sugar plums dancing in our heads.”
Sephiroth: “Look, I don’t wanna hear about your sick dreams, okay?”
(#110, A Scooby Dooby Christmas (part one)

Shell: “My dog. You remember. The cute white fluffy dog that everyone just loved?”
Rufus: *blinks* “Don’t try to fool me with your misleading description.”
(#81, White, Fluffy and Set To Kill)

Sephiroth: “He leaves me for the dirty demon stripper?! What has that guy got that I haven’t got?! Except for *diseases*!”
(#155, Lloyd of the Disco)

Lloyd: “You’re an asshole, Dante! Where am I supposed to have sex?”
Dante: *starts laughing hysterically, then stops and thinks about it some more and then starts laughing again*
(#173, Tag Sale of Horrors)

Suzielocks: “Little bears, little bears, let me in!”
Zellbear: “You just try and we’ll summon Odin!” *laughs* “Heh heh, I made that up myself, Squall!”
Squallbear: “We can’t summon Odin, you dumbass.”
Zellbear: *stops laughing* “…Oh yeah.”
(#70, Back To The Book: Final Fairy Tales II)

Zell: “Hey, Rufus! How you doing in there?” *knocks on the glass*
Rufus: “Stop it. This isn’t a zoo.”
(#128, Some Porn Can Be Bad)

Rufus: “Ahhh!” *ducks behind stuff* “Dammit! This is what I get for being an equal opportunity employer!”
(#191, The Taste of Success)

Rufus: *shudders* “They made you sleep with guys?? What kind of weird place was this? Tseng! Did you have anything to do with this?”
Tseng: *rolls eyes and says dryly* “Yes, Rufus. Yes I did.”
Rufus: *gasp* “I knew it!”
(#95, Ye Old Crappiest Vacation Ever! (part two)

Rufus: *whispers loudly* “Where’s the promotional poster?!”
Laguna: “I was in charge of something?!”
Rufus: “Yes! And apparently I made a huge mistake!”
(#182, Sailing For Adventure (part one)

Sephiroth: *taking out masamune* “I’ll chop his pretty little head off first. Maybe you could sell it on e-bay.”
(#56, Men Start at 1.50)

Rufus: *frowns* “What’s this strange feeling in my chest?”
Tseng: “I think it’s guilt.”
Rufus: *gasp*
(#121, Reeve Saves Thanksgiving)

150 – 101

Kiros: “Ward says Laguna can be presumed dead by now! Let’s go!”
(#135, Life is Taxing (part two)

Sephiroth: “You handled that well.”
Alucard: “I am so drunk.”
(#139, And That’s the Way the Vampires Have Their Picnic)

Dracula: *chuckles* “I remember when I was eighteen!” *pause* “Wait. No I don’t.”
(#141, I Am Belmont, Hear Me Roar)

Alucard: “This is important to me. More important than my hair.”
Sephiroth: “You know… I really thought we had the same priorities.”
(#145, Thanks But No Thanks)

Sephiroth: *reading one* “Twilight, this is terrible! You spelled my name wrong! You spelled *your* name wrong! You also misspelled ‘the’ and spelled Rufus with an L and a W. The only word you got right was ‘is’!”
Twilight: *smiles* “Took me four months, but I got ‘is’ down.”
(#58, Too Close To Call)

Reno: “Nonsense! She doesn’t like him! He must have cast confuse on her or something! I’m telling you she would never do that!”
Lark: *coming out of the room* “Never do what?”
Reno: *whirls around, sweat drops and an innocent grin* “Be the President of her own fan club. I mean, how stuck up would that be?”
(#7, Reno: Man of Many Evil Plans)

Ashley: *eyes widen* “Omg! Tseng’s kissing a girl!”
Noelle: “That’s not a girl. That’s Kuja.”
Rufus: “It’s still a step in the right direction!”
(#102, Who Wants To Marry A Prostitute?)

Dracula: “Who?”
Alucard: “Dad, I’m right here.”
Dracula: *blink blink* “You’re not my son! You’re just the paper boy wearing his skin as a coat!”
Alucard: “Oh not this again. That was just a dream, dad!”
(#141, I Am Belmont, Hear Me Roar)

Rufus: *leaning on the counter unhappily* “Who cares about you–I couldn’t make my award winning punch!”
Irvine: *gives him a look* “Now it’s award winning?”
Rufus: *slowly* “Uh….yeah…of course it is. It won…uh… J. Shinra Award for uh…good…punch. Yeah.”
Irvine: “Yeah, and for me to have believed that obvious lie, I would have had to have won the Zell award of idiocy.”
(#65, Okay, So It’s Not Really New Years…)

Tseng: *sigh* “I can’t. I can’t go back knowing that I failed. I’ve never failed at a mission before!”
Scarlet: “What about that one where Rufus made you sit outside his house in the blizzard to protect him from the abomiable snow monster?”
Tseng: “Oh, I did it. All night long. I had frostbite for weeks, and he never paid me like he promised, and there is no such thing as a stupid abomiable snow monster, but I did it anyway.”
(#135, Life is Taxing (part two)

Alucard: “What did dad to after I left? Say if I didn’t bring him the paper the fireflies would get him for not doing the junior jumble?”
Sephiroth: “It’s scary how you know that.”
(#141, I Am Belmont, Hear Me Roar)

Irvine: “Nothin’ much. Pa’s real upset though, cause the barn burned down.”
Katie: “Oh no! What happened?”
Irvine: “I told my brothers that the inside marshmellow roast thing doesn’t work, but…they didn’t believe me.”
Katie: “…Oh.”
Irvine: “They do now.”
(#120, Highly Flammable)

Noelle: “Kuja, do you really think I’ll get Reno back?”
Kuja: “You could steal him from that skank in flouresecent lighting, bargin bin make-up and head to toe in the K-mart special.” *grins* “So, quite obviously, there’s not a chance you won’t.”
(#105, Splash From the Past (part two)

Sephiroth: “What? Ten gil? For what?”
Reno’s voice: “I can’t tell you that! It’s part of the mystery!”
Sephiroth: “If you don’t let me in the only mystery is gonna be what happened to your head!”
(#137, Come See the Softer Side of Shinra)

Rufus: “And no starting your own religion!”
Reno: “I’m not! It’s a class!”
Rufus: “The only class you should be in is AA!”
Reno: “That’s actually more of a support group.”
Rufus: “Whatever!”
(#136, The Church of Reno)

Vincent: “…did I hear the words ‘break up’ and ‘Sephiroth’?”
Sephiroth: *sits up and snaps* “If you don’t get out of here right now it’s gonna be ‘break up’ and ‘Vincent’s face’!”
(#140, A Bar, a Restaurant and a Fast Food Disaster)

Sephiroth: “Besides, I’m right next door! I can see the ramble room from here! I can see *into* the ramble room from here! Well, not the ramble room, but Shadow’s room. That guy’s weird.”
(#154, Home Is Where You Hang Your Heart)

Nida: “Hey! I won’t! I’m an expert!”
Scarlet: “The other day you claimed to be a chess expert. Then Heidegger beat you fives times.”
Heidegger: “I don’t even know how to play! Gya haa haa!”
(#115, The Great Bishounen Snatcher)

Vincent: “We could have at least wrapped the gift…”
Sephiroth: “If you wanted to waste your time wrapping it you should have said something earlier. Besides, at
least we got him a card.”
Vincent: “You wrote happy birthday on the outside of the bag.”
Sephiroth: “No one keeps that crap anyway!”
(#198, Truth Be Told)

Seymour: “How do you know that?! Most of those horror movies start with two pretty girls home alone!”
Kuja: “Yeah. Two.”
(#188, Too Legit To Strip)

Dracula: “Excellent! Okay, let’s go into the death room over here.”
Brady: *gulp*
Dracula: “Don’t worry, it’s just a name. I just don’t want to get blood all over this room.”
Brady: *gulp*
(#126, Silver Hair Concerto)

Rufus: “If I wanted to waste money I would just see a movie with Ben Affleck in it!”
(#138, The Monster Mash Fiasco)

Scarlet: “Nida, are you writing your stupid column for the Garden Newsletter again?”
Nida: “It is not stupid! My column is informative!”
Scarlet: “All you write about is bad stuff about Squall. And you make up all of it!”
Nida: “I do not! He really poisoned Zell four times!”
Scarlet: “That was you! And those hot dogs were meant for Squall!”
Nida: “Shut up, whore!”
(#133, Ow! My Piloting Boobs!)

Brady: “How are you going to punish him? No sex?”
Ashley: “If that’s considered a punishment, I inflicted that loooooong ago.”
(#184, Sailing For Adventure (part three)

Zell: “I make a kick ass cow!”
Seifer: “That’s cause you look like one, chicken wuss.”
Zell: *flips out* “How can I look like a cow and be a chicken wuss, jerk?!”
Seifer: *shrugs* “Either way you belong in a barn.”
(#54, Sing Your Heart Out! (part two)

Zell: “Well it was more exciting than your stupid stories of burning villiages!”
Twilight: “For your information other audiences have enjoyed those stories.”
Zell: “Like who?”
Twilight: *grins* “My reflection.” *laughs*
(#40, Follow That Seph! (part two)

Nida: “Can I earn the merit badge?”
Hojo: “No!!!” *looks at kuja and licks his lips* “But Kuja can. Many *many* times over.”
(#73, Losers Losers Everywhere So Let’s All…Run Away)

Sephiroth: “No one feels for Rufus.”
Barret: “Damn straight! He’s rollin’ around in money!”
Rufus: “Even so! I’m rolling around in less of it because of you mooches!”
(#56, Men Start at 1.50)

Rufus: “Most people would probably feel guilty shoving a crying, compulsively shedding mouse out of his home, but not me.”
Algus: “That’s because you’re realistic! What did your insurance company say about this deceased clump of cow food they just put in the ground?”
Rufus: “I’m not liable!”
Algus: “Wonderful!”
(#195, Where There’s a Will, There’s a Way)

Rufus: “Ooh! I like that idea! Reno, you do that for me.”
Reno: “But you don’t even have a cape.”
Rufus: “…Well…just pretend then.”
Reno: “That’s retarded.”
Rufus: “You’re retarded–*and* fired for half an hour. Rude? Do you want to do it?”
Rude: *shakes head no*
Rufus: “Do you want to get paid this week?”
Rude: “I love pretend.”
(#120, Highly Flammable)

Irvine: “Lord? It’s me, Irvine. I know I never prayed before, but I figure you might have heard of me ’cause I’m so popular. Look, if I’m not the father of Elena’s baby, I swear that I’ll never…uh….I’ll never…um…I’ll never drink or have sex between 5:30 A.M. and 6:00 A.M. Monday through Friday. Except on Sex Day and St. Patrick’s Day.” *pause* “Oh! And my birthday. Or Reno’s birthday. Or the birthday of the person I’m drinking with or having sex with. Thanks.”
(#130, Who’s Your Daddy?)

Elena: “Because the common people can’t really relate to your one million dollar Rolex.”
Rufus: “I don’t want to relate to them! They probably have diseases!”
(#177, This Is Shinra Inc.)

Bria: *gathering the papers* “Okay, Rufus. Let me just take these upstairs to processing. I’ll be back in a little while.”
Rufus: “A little while? I could bribe myself out of here by then!”
Guard: “I’ve always wanted to go to a Spice Girls concert.”
Rufus: “Spice girls?! They broke up years ago!”
Guard: “How powerful are you really?”
Rufus: *glares* “Touche.”
(#135, Life is Taxing (part two)

Tseng: “Rufus, that is a small fruit basket.”
Zidane: “There are four apples in it!”
Setzer: “And two are rotten!”
Vincent: “And another one appears to have a bite taken out of it.”
Rufus: “Yeah…sorry about that. Mr. Jingles got hungry.”
(#151, How Rufus Stole Christmas)

Kuja: “I have to go to the homeless shelter and distribute Thanksgiving dinner.”
Scarlet: “Are you kidding? Why?”
Kuja: “Community service. I’ll never be Miss America if I don’t help others.”
Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! There’s so much wrong with that I don’t know where to start!”
(#108, They Don’t Call It Turkey Day For Nothin’)

Sephiroth: “Yeah, but the only thing that’s been circling around for the last five minutes is that box with DANGER written all over it.”
Lark: “For the *third* time, is everyone sure that’s not theirs?”
Everyone: “Yes.”
(#30, Theme Park Nazis (part one)

Twilight: “Come on! You’re the only person I respect! I really need to beat that kid!”
Sephiroth: “What kid?”
Twilight: “That kid that likes to spell everything!”
Sephiroth: “He’s back again?”
Twilight: “Yeah. My life feels like a bunch of recycled plots.”
(#183, Sailing For Adventure (part two)

Max: “Cool!” *snaps another random picture* “Awesome! A bookshelf! I bet I can come up with something cool now! Like a bookshelf that’s also a fan!” *gets up and walks off*
Bryatt: “…Yeah, because when I’m getting a book off a bookshelf, I’m always thinking ‘man, I wish there was a fan here to cut my hand off’.”
(#199, To Have and to Hold)

Rufus: “Yes. Mr. Jingles and I have discussed this at length, and he really feels having the stylist makes him feel better about himself.”
Reeve: “You’ve discussed this?”
Rufus: “Yes.”
Reeve: “With the bear.”
Rufus: “Yes.”
Reeve: “With the inanimate–”
Rufus: “Reeve, you’re fired for the afternoon! Now go to my closet and shine all my shoes!”
(#144, Lily of the Snow Valley)

Rufus: “You know the company isn’t responsible for mental damages, right?”
Bria: *rolls eyes* “I know, Rufus.”
Rufus: “…’Cause if it was…man, would I be bankrupt!”
(#162, Somewhere In My Memory (part one)

[talking about a cardboard box in the hallway]
Rufus: *blink blink* “I thought I put that outside.”
Algus: “Just leave it. The peasants will either dispose of it or use it for a house.”
(#176, Snake In Da House)

Customer: “There’s a bite taken out of this brownie!”
Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Half off!”
(#173, Tag Sale of Horrors)

Cid: “Basically I just paid you to work here.”
Koudelka: “Thanks for your business.”
(#192, Return of the Max)

Lark: “Sephiroth! That’s not true!”
Sephiroth: “It is from my point of view.”
Lark: “What are you, Obi-wan Kenobi?”
(#168, Mr. T. Jangles)

Nida: “I earned it, whore! And now look at me! I’m successful! And you’re a dirty old whore who lives with a fat lardo who can’t even move!”
Heidegger: “Or breathe sometimes! Gya haa haa!”
(#196, Time Heals No Wounds)

Dracula: “I’ll go buy some more!”
Bowser: “No. You stay there. Last time you went to the store you never came back.”
Dracula: “They found me in a ditch!”
(#150, Sephiroth’s Award)

Bryatt: “Weird. He told me I was lucky. Then he scared some crows away. I felt like we were about to be joined by a lion and a tin man and go skipping down the road to find the Emerald City.”
(#194, Fall of the House of Ramble)

Lloyd: “Or whatever, Dante! More like I don’t want *your* germs! Besides, drugs are bad for you! They ruin your life!”
Dante: “Not that that makes a difference for you, Lloyd. Your life is pretty damn sh*tty already. I don’t think there’s anything pot can do to you that life hasn’t already.”
(#171, Reno’s ‘Special’ Brownies)

Rufus: “Argh! You think you’re so cool? Well just wait till you need something from me! Then we’ll see who’s there to help you!”
Reno: *snorts* “I don’t think I’ll need teddy bear fashion advice anytime soon. And if I do, shoot me Irvine.”
(#166, I Still STILL Hate St. Patrick’s Day!)

Irvine: “Hey, man. What’s going on?”
Rude: “Not much.Trying to sell shoes.”
Irvine: “But you’re not even wearing shoes.”
Rude: “Rufus stopped ordering the newspaper.”
(#137, Come See the Softer Side of Shinra)

100 – 51

Leblanc: “I like someone with a healthy appetite.”
Kuja: “Then she should find hippo’s irresistible.”
Scarlet: “Hey, as far as me and National Geographic are concerned, Heidegger’s close enough.”
(#124, Fat Becomes Her)

Reeve: “I do! I do!” *thinks* “Uh… Tseng… I really love screwing you. I mean doing you! Oh no! I meant being with you!”
Kuja: *mutters* “Sure you did.”
(#114, You May Now Kiss The…Groom?)

Suboshi: “I knitted this! It took me 20 hours. In the rain. I bypassed meals. Tomo harassed me. He said my stitching was bad. Then he harassed me another way.”
(#66, Sephiroth Land)

Reeve: “I did not kick you! That’s a lie!” *turns to tseng* “Did I kick her?”
Tseng: *rolls eyes* “No.”
Reeve: *to belle* “See? Tseng says no.”
Tseng: “Reeve, don’t drag me into your imaginary fight with the dog.”
(#81, White, Fluffy and Set To Kill)
Reno: “Hey! I thought you cancelled that porn of the month club I got you for your birthday!”
Rufus: “I did. A, because it was disgusting, and B, because it came to your name and your address.”
Reno: “Well, I thought my enjoyment would be a good gift.”
(#162, Somewhere In My Memory (part one)

Irvine: “You bathe your stuffed animal with a phoenix down?!?!”
Rufus: “Someday he’ll be a real bear!!”
(#124, Fat Becomes Her)

Reeve: “In other business news, Costa del Sol has reported a drop in the amount of tourists visiting the sunny beach in recent months. Analysts say that Shinra control of Junon has made vacationers from Midgar and Kalm less willing to make the ocean voyage. In response to these allegations, President Rufus J. Shinra oddly chose the words, ‘Then let them eat cake’.”
Algus: *chuckles* “Classic.”
(#129, Shinra TV – Now In Color)

Nida: “Can’t we just act normal for *one* day?”
Scarlet: *stomping towards the seals* “Tell that to the cross dresser and the freak who eats everything.”
(#91, Zoo Babies)

Sephiroth: *patting his sides frantically* “My masamune!!!! My masamune!!!” *bursts into tears* “It was my only true friend!!”
(#115, The Great Bishounen Snatcher)

Dracula: “What’s a cousin?”
Alucard: “It’s someone you’re related to.”
Dracula: “Are you related to me, Alucard?”
Alucard: “Yes…much to my dismay.”
(#181, Brave New Belmont)

Bugenhagen: “Ho ho ho! Everything’s swirling!”
Koudelka: “What kind of medication is he *on* anyway?”
Yuri: “I don’t know, but whatever it is the side effects are hilarious!”
(#190, Love Conquers All)

Kefka: *snatches it away* “I don’t think so! You already ate all of the New York Post!”
Heidegger: “No wonder my mouth tastes like vomit.”
(#133, Ow! My Piloting Boobs!)

Shell: “Ew! It’s gross, Rude! Clean it!”
Rude: “I’m on vacation, Shell.”
Shell: “Not from me, Rude!”
(#94, Ye Old Crappiest Vacation Ever! (part one)

Barret: “Damn right, Cid! How come you ain’t be fightin’, cell phone?”
Red: “Cell phone!? That is an electronic object!”
Barret: “Yo! Answer me, cell phone! Don’t be puttin’ me to no voice mail!”
(#131, Being Ward Zaback)

Algus: “Zidane, have you found any further clues while being outside the mansion all night?”
Zidane: “The only thing I saw was a raccoon looking through the garbage.”
Algus: “If you were more like that raccoon, you might have found some clues.”
(#129, Shinra TV – Now In Color)

Auron: “It is always good to learn new things.”
Sephiroth: “I’d like to learn what makes you go away. Is there a museum for that?”
(#158, The Museum of Modern Mayhem)

Edea: *looks confused* “Okay… Well what do you think of this year’s recipient, Sephiroth?”
Dracula: “I think she could use a boob job!”
(#150, Sephiroth’s Award)

Rufus: “He answers to a bell now?”
Shell: “Yeah. It only took two days of training.”
Rude: “I’m only one step above a dog.”
(#145, Thanks But No Thanks)

Tseng: “I care! She has a daughter – my daughter! She can’t be whoring around with Rufus!”
Bryatt: “Elena? Whoring around? Tseng, you invented whoring around.”
(#182, Sailing For Adventure (part one)

Tseng: “What is wrong with you? Even Rude doesn’t eat other people’s scraps!”
Rude: “It’s the last shred of dignity I cling to.”
(#143, School’s In Forever)

Sephiroth: “Shut up, Auroran. What was the last book you and your hand read together? The back of the Vaseline tub?”
(#124, Fat Becomes Her)

Elena: “It’s not your fault, Rufus. She’s used to having two men called daddy around. Now that Tseng’s not here…she thinks you’re daddy instead.”
Rufus: “I hope she doesn’t think I’m doing Reeve.”
 (#189, Tseng Works Hard For the Money)

Sephiroth: “Oh. Great. I’m a friend to you and ring dings for your family.”
(#139, And That’s the Way the Vampires Have Their Picnic)

Nightmare: “Well, Nightmare still been getting forced into random fights a lot. Nightmare wishes Raphael would get himself and his creepy daughter sorted out already. But Nightmare has found a way to lessen his stress!”
Nemesis: *nodding enthusiastically* “STARS!”
Koudelka: *grimaces* “…If you two are doing it, I don’t even wanna know.”
(#174, A Day In the Life of Mr. Jingles)

Irvine: “Well did you get the alcohol?”
Reno: “Did the sun come up today, Irvine?”
(#21, A Party For All, Courtesy of Rufus Shinra)

Irvine: “Sephiroth! Go save Zidane and Vincent!”
Sephiroth: “Ew, no! I’m not going in there!”
Rufus: “You opened the closet on Tseng and Reeve!”
Sephiroth: “Someone had to!”
(#68, Lark Loves…Hojo?)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I can barely move!”
Seymour: “Why is he trying to do push-ups?”
Kuja: “He’s trying to do push-ups? I just thought he fell on the floor and couldn’t get up.”
(#178, This Is The Life (part one)

Shell: *snorts* “Seifer didn’t get any presents? Even Rude got a present.”
Rude: *holding a jar of body balm* “Can I put it on you *now*, Shell?”
Shell: “No, Rude. Keep staring at your watch till it’s time.”
Rude: “I had to pawn my watch to buy your gifts, Shell.”
Shell: “Then stare at the sun, then!”
(#111, A Scooby Dooby Christmas (part two)

Rufus: “Ah. Smell that money in the air.” *pause* “Why does the money smell like burning?”
(#137, Come See the Softer Side of Shinra)

Zell: “Wait! I got it! Listen!” *sings* “15 Sephy’s jumpin’ on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head. Larky called the doctor and the doctor said: ‘No more Sephy’s jumpin’ on the bed’!”
Sephiroth: “You sing that again, jackass, and they’ll be callin’ the doctor for you.”
(#94, Ye Old Crappiest Vacation Ever! (part one)

Lizzie: “He sounds like three dying cats in a blender with an elephant and a squeaky toy!”
(#54, Sing Your Heart Out! (part two)

Rufus: “Have you heard a *thing* I’ve said, Reno?”
Reno: “Um… Something about cats, beer and naked chicks, right?”
(#58, Too Close To Call)

Tseng: *hanging his head as he walks away* “I’m just going to go *hang* myself in the back now.”
Rufus: *not paying attention* “Yeah, just be back in time.”
(#86, Rufus Makes A Movie)

Zelle: *pouts* “No. I won’t. I’m tired of this. That’s your answer to everything. Snort a little opium. Snort a little opium. Well snorting a little opium didn’t enhance your performence last night, did it?!”
Ghost: *gasp*
Young Scroora: *gets up and bangs on the desk* “Well I just started taking violin lessons, okay?!”
Ghost: *frowns* “Oh.”
Zelle: “And don’t even get me started on the sex!”
Ghost: *lightening* “Ah. There we go.”
(#109, Mr. Valentine Tells a Rufus Carol)

Sephiroth: “Don’t you work anymore?”
Reno: “I’ve been callin’ out sick.”
(#136, The Church of Reno)

Nida: “Shut up, bitch! You’re a drunken whore!”
(#20, Nida’s Night Out)

Rufus: “I bought a new one! It fell off the back of a truck!” *suddenly the mirror falls off the wall and onto rufus* “Ow! And now it fell on me!!”
(#72, Ramble Room Is Falling Down My Fair Larky)

Sephiroth: *stops dead* “Uh… Auron! What are you doing tying yourself to that tree and drenching yourself in tasty steak sauce! We stopped playing cannibal half an hour ago!” *sweat drop*
Lark: “Sephiroth, you’ve gone from bad to worse! How could you tie a person up as bait for your dragon!?”
Sephiroth: “Well you don’t get more ugly and dispensible than that!” *points at auron*
Auron: “He tied me up with sausage links.”
(#123, It’s Called The XCubeStation)

Bugenhagen: “Ho ho ho! I’m on so many pills…”
(#154, Home Is Where You Hang Your Heart)

Sunshine: “I’m sure there are many people in the world who wish they had your problems, Rufus.”
Rufus: “No they don’t. Do you know how hard it is to get a grape juice stain out of your favorite teddy bear?”
Sunshine: *blink blink*
Rufus: “Uh…not that I do.”
(#195, Where There’s a Will, There’s a Way)

Sephiroth: “Fine. But don’t say I haven’t been doing anything.”
Tseng: “Alucard is what you’ve been doing.”
Sephiroth: “So, shut up, Tseng!”
(#138, The Monster Mash Fiasco)

Nida: “Look! It’s my medal for second best fire caster!” *frowns* “Stupid Squall.”
Scarlet: *snatching it* “I asked for the medal, not your life story!”
Nida: “Well sor*ry*.” *reaches into the box* “Ooh!! My second place medal for that spelling bee!” *eyes narrow* “Stupid Squall…”
(#62, Christmas Cheer)

Elena: “Rude! That stuff’s supposed to be for charity!”
Reno: “Rude is charity.”
Rude: *hangs head*
Elena: “That’s true.”
(#129, Shinra TV – Now In Color)

Zidane: “But people love big asses! J-Lo has a big ass!”
Brady: “Yeah, but no one likes J-Lo’s ass on a man.”
(#140, A Bar, a Restaurant and a Fast Food Disaster)

Dracula: “This makes so much sense! Don’t you see, Alucard! This is where I came from! I came from the planet of the vampires!”
Alucard: “No you didn’t, dad. This is just a movie. There is no planet of the vampires.”
Dracula: *reaching for the phone* “Dracula phone home! Dracula phone home!” *pause* “I wanna a soda!”
(#142, Halloween Is For Vampires)

Zidane: “Did you get me a present?”
Algus: “I washed your blanket.”
Zidane: “Finally! This is a great Christmas!”
(#151, How Rufus Stole Christmas)

Nida: “My shoe! My shoe!!! He ate my shoe!”
Kuja: “He did you a favor.”
Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Tastes like cheap!”
(#145, Thanks But No Thanks)

Kuja: “We have returned.”
Nida: *points to hojo* “You got leied!”
Hojo: *mumbles* “I wish.”
(#65, Okay, So It’s Not Really New Years…)

Rufus: “Have you already been drinking?”
Reno: “What do you wanna hear?”
(#137, Come See the Softer Side of Shinra)

Aeris: “Hey! Don’t try to threaten me! I’ll use my limit break on you!”
Sephiroth: “And what? Heal us all to death!?”
(#115, The Great Bishounen Snatcher)

The Top 50 Funniest Ramble Lines

Zidane: *looking at a box* “What the hell does the Rufus Brand Hamcuber do?”
Rufus: “Turns hamburgers into cubes.”
Zidane: *blink blink* “…Why would you even wanna *do* that?”
Rufus: “Who cares! It’s 7.99!”
Setzer: “It’s also got a sticker on the box that says the wiring has been known to cause house fires.”
Rufus: “For only 7.99 you’ll have plenty of money to buy a new house!”
(#155, Lloyd of the Disco)

Lark: *taps foot and gives him a look* “You’re a piece of work, you know that?”
Sephiroth: *smiles* “Yes. A masterpiece.”
(#89, What You Love, You Never Forget)

Reno: “Man! Poor Rude! He always ends up by himself! Remember the three legged race at the annual Shinra picnic? He had to run it by himself with that broom!”
Tseng: “That’s because you were supposed to be his partner but you got too drunk to stand!”
Reno: “I don’t remember that part…”
(#143, School’s In Forever)

Auron: “Is there anything I can do to make you call me by my actual name?”
Sephiroth: “I’m sorry…did anyone else just hear an obnoxcious wind go by? An obnoxcious wind that should probably shut the hell up?”
(#134, Life is Taxing (part one)

Nida: *grins* “And she picked *me*! ME! ‘Cause I’m great!”
Scarlet: *rolls eyes* “Yeah, Nida. Out of the crossdresser, the pedofile and the big, ugly fat guy, I chose you. What a tough decision.”
(#102, Who Wants To Marry A Prostitute?)

Algus: “He seems most loyal.”
Shell: “He is. He even got up in the middle of the night to kill a spider.”
Lark: “So what?”
Shell: “The spider was outside. And it was hailing.”
Lark: “….Oh.”
(#105, Splash From the Past (part two)

Rufus: “And did everybody get their paychecks?”
Lloyd: “I didn’t!”
Rufus: “Well you better get in there and get it before the fire does.” *points to fire* “Because I’m not printing up new ones.”
(#191, The Taste of Success)

Reeve: *looking at some papers* “Rufus… There’s a receipt here from ‘The Rich Man’s Pocket Fund’…that’s not a charity.”
Rufus: “Sure it is.”
Reeve: “No it’s not. You made this up. It’s written on the back of a memo Heidegger sent you. It has your name on it. And his. And it reads: Gya haa haa, I ate my stapler again.”
Rufus: “That could be another Rufus J. Shinra! And anybody named Heidegger could’ve eaten a stapler!”
(#134, Life is Taxing (part one)

Tseng: “You really think you can pull this off in two days?”
Rufus: “Sure! Why not? God made the whole Earth in two days!”
Tseng: “Um…I’m not really religious, but I’m pretty sure it was seven days.”
Rufus: “Oh. Well. I’m not really religious either.”
(#199, To Have and to Hold)

Rude: “I’m pretty sure everything in a museum is pretty much considered priceless, Shell.”
Shell: “Is that like, priceless like a mother’s love priceless or priceless like really, really so expensive it’s crazy priceless?”
Rude: “I’m not sure I wanna find out, Shell.”
(#158, The Museum of Modern Mayhem)

Sephiroth: *jaw drops* “They have *commericials* now?!”
Twilight: “We could do that! And with people who smile for real!”
(#58, Too Close To Call)

Rufus: “And I’m not wasting suites on Irvine and Reno. They’re just steps away from drunkenly sleeping with one another anyway.”
(#182, Sailing For Adventure (part one)

Zidane: “All right, I guess so. I’ll get paid really money, right? Not Monopoly money?” *glares at algus*
Algus: *chuckles* “You went all the way to the store before you figured it out.”
(#140, A Bar, a Restaurant and a Fast Food Disaster)

Sephiroth: “I rode Irvine.”
Lark: *pales*
Sephiroth: “The horse, the horse!”
(#69, An Irvine In The Hand Is Worth 7 In The Barn)

Reno: “Well, it’s a medical test, Rufus. It takes time.”
Rufus: “What time? Can’t they just run it through a machine or something?”
Reno: *rolls eyes* “Sure. Right next to the machine that can alter your DNA to give you super powers.”
Rufus: “Really? How much does that cost?”
(#130, Who’s Your Daddy?)

Dante: *still playing* “Of course he is. He has no life, and he’s a wannabe.”
Lloyd: “Yeah!” *laughs*
Dante: “Shut up, Lloyd. You’re a never was.”
(#178, This Is The Life (part one)

Alcuard: *hand to head* “Kill me. I know it’s impossible, but find a way.”
(#138, The Monster Mash Fiasco)

Vincent: “If you don’t mind my asking, Alucard… Who did your father vote for to win the award?”
Alucard: “Hostess cakes. He thinks they’re the devil.”
(#150, Sephiroth’s Award)

Ashley: “I had sex this morning. And I did it for free.”
Noelle: “Ew, Scarlet! I feel sorry for Seifer.”
Ashley: “Hey, you should feel sorry for me! He was terrible!”
(#133, Ow! My Piloting Boobs!)

Sephiroth: “I want a revote! Some people couldn’t read the ballot, or were illiterate.”
(#58, Too Close To Call)

Alucard: “…Dad, you can’t sell that.”
Dracula: “Oh, it’s fine!”
Alucard: “Dad. There’s a body on it.”
Body: “Help me!”
Alucard: “Dad, the body is alive.”
(#173, Tag Sale of Horrors)

Zell: “It’s a popsicle stick picture frame! It’s Lark’s Valentine’s day present.”
Noelle: “I’m sure she’ll treasure that all the way to the garbage can.”
(#74, I Love You…You Love…Me?)

Seifer: “Uh…how about the Bored Club?”
Irvine: “What do we do?”
Seifer: “Uh… bored…I guess.”
Sephiroth: “Then that’s been founded a long time ago.”
(#21, A Party For All, Courtesy of Rufus Shinra)

Reeve: “Cait Sith was going to kill me! He was going to *kill* me, Tseng!”
Tseng: “Not with that m-phone he wasn’t.”
(#81, White, Fluffy and Set To Kill)

Rufus: “God, I love that damn cactus!”
(#129, Shinra TV – Now In Color)

Rufus: “Shut up! I can buy and sell your ass!”
(#33, Uncle Rufus?!?!)

Noelle: “Yeah, what’s the employee discount?”
Rufus: *blink blink* “Em…ploy…ee….dis…count?”
Noelle: “…Yeah. Employees usually get a certain percentage off the stuff they buy in the store.”
Rufus: *laughs* “What kind of stupid sucker started that!”
Noelle: *mutters* “I guess that answers my question.”
(#137, Come See the Softer Side of Shinra)

Nida: “Yesterday, Heidegger ate three cereal boxes.”
Noelle: “Whoa! That’s a lot of cereal!”
Nida: “No, no cereal. Just the boxes.”
(#73, Losers Losers Everywhere So Let’s All…Run Away)

Rufus: “No! Get your mind off guns and back onto women.”
Irvine: *frowns* “Don’t make fun of my two track mind.”
(#59, Sucking Up Sephiroth)

Hojo: “Don’t forget about the animals in the black boxes of mystery, children! Too ugly to behold, they are just as exciting to touch!”
Child: *putting hand in box and giggling* “It’s licking me!”
Hojo: *chuckling* “Oh, no it isn’t my boy!”
(#66, Sephiroth Land)

Lark: *points* “And that cow is dead!”
(#69, An Irvine In The Hand Is Worth 7 In The Barn)

Red: *head against the tv screen* “Where are you?!?!”
(#128, Some Porn Can Be Bad)

(with Brady and Ashley in hojo and scarlet’s bodies, they see the body of seymour on the couch, licking himself like a dog)
Hojo: “…Obviously, that’s not a person.”
Scarlet: “Unless Cloud’s really gone downhill.”
(#133, Ow! My Piloting Boobs!)

Lark: “Uh… that the masamune or are you just happy to see me?”
(#12, The Trouble With Telephones)

Vincent: “My mirror broke.” *knocks it on the floor* “See?”
Sephiroth: “It didn’t break.”
Vincent: *smashes it with his foot* “Yes it did.”
Sephiroth: “Are you lying to me, Vincent?”
Vincent: *sincerely* “I would *never* lie to you, angel.”
(#66, Sephiroth Land)

Vincent: “I’ve washed my hands of those sins.”
Tseng: “Why would that be *your* sin? Sephiroth’s the one who hit the guy.”
Vincent: “I helped move the body so it looked like he fell.”
Tseng: “Once a Turk always a Turk.”
Lark: “Okay, I’ve heard enough.”
(#145, Thanks But No Thanks)

Reeve: *is playing the croquet challenge* “Why do all the characters look like you?”
Rufus: “I gave the character designers my picture to work with.”
Reeve: “Even the girls look like you!”
Rufus: “My beauty transcends gender.”
(#123, It’s Called The XCubeStation)

Algus: “I wear the chains I forged in life!”
Scroora: *blink blink* “You never forged any chains.”
(#109, Mr. Valentine Tells a Rufus Carol)

Noelle: *putting down drinks* “Here’s your wine, and your scotch sour, and your”
Guy: *studies beer* “Um, this is half empty.”
Noelle: “Uh…it’s not half empty, it’s half *full*! Pessimist!” *stomps off*
(#66, Sephiroth Land)

TV Announcer: “Twilight is wanted in over 300 hundred systems, and has been known to burn down entire towns without a care.”
Twilight: “Hey! How did they know about that?!”
Opal: “Twilight, you told them at least eight times. And you drew them a picture!”
(#58, Too Close To Call)

Twilight: *shakes fist* “You watch your mouth! I’ve been using hooked on phonics and it’s kind of sort of sometimes loosely working for me!”
(#140, A Bar, a Restaurant and a Fast Food Disaster)

Little Red: “The goose! The goose!” *coughs*
Tseng: “Calm down, Little Red. Don’t get so excited.”
Cait Sith: “Especially not over that sh*tty goose.”
(#109, Mr. Valentine Tells a Rufus Carol)

Rufus: “That botox kit works great!”
Zidane: “It says it gives you blue skin!”
Rufus: “Some people want blue skin!”
Zidane: “Like who?! The smurfs!?”
(#155, Lloyd of the Disco)

Algus: “I always like to see how peasants live. It’s like being on safari.”
(#152, Strip Away Your Problems)

Sephiroth: “I feel stupid and girly.”
Algus: “You’ll be feeling rich and girly soon.”
Sephiroth: “Why would I still be feeling girly?!”
Algus: *blink blink* “I assumed you always felt girly.”
Sephiroth: “No!”
(#113, The Ramble Room Mafia)

Seymour: “You? At a make-up counter? That’s like King Kong at Baby Gap.”
(#137, Come See the Softer Side of Shinra)

Bryatt: “I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t think anyone’s gay enough to wanna know what’s going on in there.”
(#137, Come See the Softer Side of Shinra)

Barret: “Yo! Kangroo rat! I choose your punk ass!”
(#40, Follow That Seph! (part two)

Dracula: “Alucard! Where is our kitty? I can’t find our kitty!” *gasp* “Oh no! I ate it, didn’t I? I ate the kitty! Oh, that poor kitty!” *sobs for a moment but then stops* “I’m hungry! Alucard, do we have any kitty?”
(#143, School’s In Forever)

Zidane: “You’re gonna see the great pictures of the land the ingredients are grown on, and you’re going to eat your words!”
Algus: “I’d rather eat my words than your cancerous cereal.”
(#179, This Is The Life (part two)

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