G #9 – Welcome to the MOB

Algus: “I thought I could trust you to at least keep the peasants out! If we let Zidane in, why not a goat? They both have tails after all!”

 Originally Published: 8/27/09 . 13 pages

For a long time this was “the end” and I was fine with that. It focused on a staple group to the rambles and ended with things moving on and continuing to grow.  

 

 

(a meeting of the mafia – algus, rufus, edgar, setzer, laguna and sephiroth sit around a table. in the background rufus jr. and pierce – edgar and setzer’s son – sit in a playpen with a sign on it that says ‘future mafia members’ on it.)

Algus: “Call the roll.”

Sephiroth: *groans* “Still with this?”

Setzer: “Algus, President.”

Algus: “Present.”

Setzer: “Rufus, Vice President.”

Rufus: “Here.”

Setzer: “Edgar, treasurer.”

Edgar: “Present.”

Setzer: “Laguna, translator.”

Laguna: “Hey hey!”

Setzer: “Sephiroth, order and discipline.”

Sephiroth: *rolls eyes* “Still here.”

Setzer: “And me, the secretary. I’m here.”

Algus: “Excellent! So it seems we’re all here.”

Sephiroth: “Obviously!”

Algus: “Who has an order of business?”

Edgar: “The quarter closed for Rufus brand cruises – all funds have been automatically deposited.”

Laguna: “So that’s why I look richer!”

Edgar: “There’s just one problem….there’s a share of the profits that no longer has anywhere to go.”

(they all look at the empty chair where shell used to sit.)

Rufus: “I was actually going to bring that up. I think we have to find a new member.”

Algus: *nods* “It is unavoidable. We simply need the additional revenue for our upcoming projects. We will have to open the doors of our exclusive club for the first time.”

Edgar: “How do you suggest we recruit someone?”

Algus: “There must be a stringent interview process. And I demand a bank statement for all applicants.”

Sephiroth: “Are we just gonna let any idiot come in here and interview? Because–“

Algus: “Certainly not! What do you take me for? Setzer, as secretary, it is your duty to seek out those who may be worthy, and invite them to interview.”

Setzer: “Uh, okay.”

Sephiroth: “Wow! You finally have something to do besides call the pointless roll!”

Laguna: “Can I help?”

Everyone: “……..No.”

Edgar: “This all sounds splendid. I’m excited to see who will prove worthy enough to join us.”

Algus: “It will not be an easy process. It will be a long and difficult journey. There will be triumphs and tears, but in the end, there can be only one.”

Sephiroth: “This whole thing would be more fun if it involved actual fighting – last man standing gets in. We could sell tickets!”

Algus: “Please. This is a classy organization!”

………………………………………………………………………………………………….

(so a few days later, the mafia has gathered again. Setzer is coming inside, shutting the door behind him.)

Setzer: “Well, all the candidates are waiting to be interviewed.”

Algus: “Excellent. Judging people is one of the things I do best. Show the first one in.”

Rufus: “Hold up a minute, Algus. I don’t think we want to waste time on anyone who’s obviously unqualified.”

Edgar: “You suggest Setzer would choose such candidates?”

Rufus: “I don’t want to take any chances. I’m sure there are people willing to do almost anything in order to join us.”

Algus: “I’m with you, Rufus. What do you suggest?”

Rufus: “Easy. Sephiroth, if you see me do this…” *makes a hand gesture under the table we can’t see* “Tell them to get out.”

Sephiroth: “My pleasure.”

Algus: “Bring in the first candidate!”

(so the first person to come in is franswa. he sits down looking nervous.)

Algus: “Ah, Franswa! How lovely to see you! Are you here representing your family?”

Franswa: *nervously tapping fingers* “Uh, yeah.”

Laguna: “Hey hey! Don’t look so scared! We don’t bite! We’re not vampires!”

(everybody laughs except franswa. he keeps looking nervous.)

Rufus: “So let me tell you a little about our society.”

Franswa: *flinches*

Rufus: “Basically we pool our vast fortunes and invest in business ventures together.”

Franswa: *relaxes* “Oh. That’s it?”

Laguna: “Sometimes we drive to schools and sell snap bracelets.”

Algus: *mutters* “It seems like we’ll never be rid of those cursed things.”

Franswa: *smiles* “Oh! So you’re just an investment society.”

Setzer: “Yeah, of course. By the way you were acting it was like you thought we were some kinda cult!”

Franswa: “No! Not me! My family made me come here! They assume all secret clubs are vampire worshipping cults!”

Setzer: “We’re not *that* secretive. We print a bi-monthly newsletter bragging about our accomplishments!”

Laguna: “Plus an article by me! Last time I wrote about how to surprise your son with a trip to the zoo!” *frowns* “It was all made up.”

Rufus: “The rest is mostly advertisements.”

Edgar: “Surely you’ve seen it?”

Franswa: *shakes head* “Grandpa one doesn’t let unsolicited literature into our house. You should have seen him the time we got a flyer for a Mexican restaurant in our mailbox.”

Algus: “So your family is not interested in joining then?”

Franswa: “Nope.” *stands* “But I’ll let them know you’re not a cult.”

(he leaves. algus and rufus frown.)

Sephiroth: “Well that was a disaster. Next!”

(next, bowser enters.)

Rufus: “You?! Is this some kind of joke?!”

Bowser: “What?! I’m rich! I own a ton of castles!” *mutters*

Rufus: “That’s bull! You’re always borrowing cash from the duck guy to pay Koudelka!”

Bowser: *nervous laughter* “No! You must be getting me confused with the…uh…armor suit guy!”

Algus: “And aren’t you the one who tried to swindle my former slave with your scam with the deadly cereal?”

Bowser: *shifty eyes* “I think I hear one of my kids calling me.”

(he runs out. rufus and algus exchange a look)

Sephiroth: “Dammit. I was looking forward to yelling at somebody.”

Edgar: “Next, please!”

(kuja enters.)

Kuja: “I heard the fashion consultant position was available and I have many fantastic ideas.”

Algus: “Excellent! We already know you’re wealthy from those websites of ill repute you inherited, so we’d be glad to hear what you have in mind.”

Kuja: “Fabulous.” *points to rufus* “Spray tan.” *points to algus* “Eyebrow waxing.” *points to setzer* “Highlights.” *points to laguna* “Haircut.” *points to seph* “Gods, where to begin–“

Sephiroth: “Hey! We wanted your business ideas! Not your beauty tips!”

Kuja: “Oh.” *pause* “Well I have some fashion tips that you all should definitely–“

Sephiroth: “Get out!”

Kuja: “Fine. Look horrible. It only makes me look even better.”

(he leaves in a huff.)

Rufus: “Good job, Sephiroth. The hand signal is a success.”

Sephiroth: “I aim to please…. When it comes to stuff like that anyway.”

Algus: “Next candidate!”

(dracula enters.)

Sephiroth: *to setzer* “Oh come on!”

Setzer: “I swear he wasn’t in line!”

Dracula: “Hello, fine gents! Feast your ears and feet as you witness the extraordinary and flatulent master Emperor suspenders as he performs his epic opera ‘Two for the Turkey’ on the spoons!” *takes out spoons*

Sephiroth: *gets up* “Get out!”

Dracula: “It’s only five hours long!”

Sephiroth: “Out!” *shoves him out*

Dracula’s voice: “Fine! I know they’ll like it on Jupiter! They like anything!”

Sephiroth: “Ugh.” *wipes hands on his pants* “Why was he sticky?”

Laguna: “Next, please!”

(argath enters. algus’ eyes narrow.)

Algus: “You dare to apply?”

Argath: “Why not? I’m sure my bank account more than meets your requirements.”

(he throws a bank book on the table. rufus grabs it.)

Rufus: *wide eyes* “Oh my god!”

Laguna: *peeking* “Wow! I think that’s more than happiness costs!”

Argath: “I have many ideas for possible investments. For example, there is a sterling piece of land that would make an amazing luxury resort – the land is currently owned by a blind man who believes it to be a swamp.”

Rufus: “Go on…”

Algus: *yawns loudly* “You bore me, Argath. We’re looking for someone with fresh, new ideas. Not stealing land from a blind man.”

Argath: *eyes narrow* “I thought you might react this way. Very well. More profit for me then!”

(takes bank book and storms out.)

Edgar: “Why did you let him go? His idea was excellent!”

Rufus: “Land! From a blind man? That’s candy from a baby!”

Algus: “I cannot pool my money with his! That is invitation for a lawsuit! The only thing he wants to invest in is my demise! He’s a cold, calculating devil who won’t rest until he has everything I’ve worked for!” *pause* “Anyway, send in who is next in line.”

(rude enters.)

Rufus: “Oh come on! Is this another joke?! He owes me more money than he can ever repay!” *glares at setzer*

Setzer: “But he’s a great gambler! And he says he has a lucrative side job!”

Rufus: “Doing what, dare I ask?”

Rude: *peers over top of sunglasses* “I’d rather not say.”

Rufus: “Rude owes me so much a normal calculator can’t display the number!”

Rude: “But Shell was getting all her money from me. So I was indirectly a member.”

Rufus: “And you were getting that money from me! So I guess I’ve been a member twice over!”

Rude: “……..Can I at least have her profits from the cruise ship?”

Rufus: *looks at sephiroth*

Sephiroth: “Get out!”

Rude: *frowns* “Fine.” *mutters* “Stupid Rufus.” *leaves*

Rufus: “The nerve of him!” *pause* “By the way, in light of this new evidence, I think I deserve Shell’s share.”

Algus: “Approved!”

Edgar: “Next, please.”

Sephiroth: *mutters* “I wonder what idiot is next in the parade.”

(auron enters.)

Sephiroth: “Whose idea of a joke is this?!”

Auron: “I have admired your club for some time and feel honored to be considered for membership.”

Sephiroth: “Don’t trust this guy! He probably gets his money by swindling old ladies or selling kitten organs or something equally as horrifying as his face!”

Algus: “Give him a chance, Sephiroth.”

Edgar: “Perhaps he has some ideas to share with us.”

Auron: “I do. I believe it would be a fine idea to donate some of the money we make to a worthy charity.”

Sephiroth: “Get out!”

Auron: “Very well. I appreciate your time.” *leaves*

Rufus: “I didn’t even have to make the hand signal that time.”

Sephiroth: “I was restraining myself from saying it as soon as I saw his stupid, ugly face.”

Laguna: “Um, next? I guess?”

(zidane enters, all smiles.)

Algus, Rufus, Edgar and Sephiroth: “Setzer!!”

Sephiroth: “Come *on*!”

Setzer: “What? He used to be a member!”

Algus: “When he had my money! He used to be my slave! That’s all he deserves to be!”

Zidane: “Aw, come on, Algus! I’ve been working real hard! I’ve saved alotta money!”

Laguna: “They like to see bank statements and important stuff like that.”

Zidane: “Well, I don’t have one of those, but I’ve got cash!” *puts down 100 bucks and then starts counting change* “And….ten, fifteen, eighteen cents!”

Everybody: *dead stare*

Sephiroth: “Get out.”

Zidane: *gathers money with a frown* “Fine! I’ll just put it on a horse then!”

Setzer: “Ooh! That sounds fun!”

Edgar: “Setzer…”

Setzer: *slinks back* “Sorry.”

(zidane leaves. everyone glares at setzer.)

Algus: “I thought I could trust you to at least keep the peasants out! If we let Zidane in, why not a goat? They both have tails after all!”

Setzer: “Sorry.”

Sephiroth: “Well this day’s turning into one big failure. At this rate, why don’t we just let Mr. Jingles join?”

Rufus: “Don’t be ridiculous! I spend enough time with him as it is. This club lets me get away for awhile.”

Sephiroth: “I’m scared to see who walks through that door next.”

(dante and alucard enter. sephiroth fake screams.)

Sephiroth: “Aah! A monster! A hideous, hideous monster!” *pause* “That was directed at Dante, by the way.”

Dante: “Subtle.”

Sephiroth: “Sorry, this club doesn’t involve taking your clothes off. You wouldn’t be interested.”

Dante: “Actually I’m very interested in investing some of the millions I’m making from my strip club. And Al’s got some of his own money he’s lookin’ to sink into something.”

Alucard: “I found some old baseball cards in our attic. Even I’d never heard of Honus Wagner, but apparently they were worth a lot.”

Sephiroth: “Sorry, only room for one, and I’m sure I speak for everyone when I say I don’t want chlamydia, so sorry, Dante.”

Rufus: “Now wait a minute…did you say millions?”

Dante: “Yup.”

Algus: “People spend loads of dollars at disgusting dens of sin such as that. But money can’t carry disease, so I suppose there’s no harm in combining it with mine.”

Sephiroth: “What?! Algus! You hate the strip club!”

Algus: “I can admire a smart businessman. It doesn’t mean I would venture inside, but I admire it.”

Dante: “I’ve gotta admit I don’t know too much about investing, but I’m willing to go along for the ride.”

Alucard: “I’ve literally got money sitting around collecting dust.”

Algus: “Well, gentlemen! Thank you for coming in today. We’ll be having a vote and getting back to you soon.”

Sephiroth: “Yeah! Get out!”

Dante: “Be talkin’ to ya.”

(he smirks at sephiroth and they leave.)

Algus: “I suppose it is time for a vote.”

Sephiroth: “What?! We’re not even gonna discuss it?!”

Edgar: “What is there to discuss?”

Rufus: “Everyone write down your vote and put it in this bowl.”

(so everyone scribbles down their vote and puts it in a bowl. algus then takes it and starts reading the votes.)

Algus: *reads* “Dante and Alucard. Dante and Alucard. Dante and Alucard. Dante and Alucard. Dante and Alucard…” *opens last one with a frown* “And…Kuja.”

Rufus: “Come on, Sephiroth! Even Laguna voted for Dante and Alucard! And he wrote his vote in crayon!”

Laguna: *frowns* “It’s all I had on me.”

Sephiroth: “I don’t know… I think some of you could use spray tans and highlights.”

Algus: “Well, majority rules.”

Sephiroth: “What?!”

Algus: “We’ll ask Dante and Alucard to join us.”

Sephiroth: “This is bullsh*t! I demand a recount!”

Algus: *holds the bowl out to him* “Here you are. All six of them.”

Sephiroth: “You can’t let Dante join! He’s–he’s–he’s–there’s so much wrong with him I don’t know where to start!”

Laguna: “Hey hey! You think Dante could be our new fashion guy?”

Setzer: “He does dress nice…”

Sephiroth: “What?! He doesn’t know how to button a shirt!”

Rufus: “And why don’t we make Alucard the actual translator? He actually speaks other languages.”

Sephiroth: “We’ve never needed anyone to translate anything! That’s why we gave that job to Laguna!”

Algus: “Capital idea, Rufus! Laguna can be…um…alternate officer. If someone is absent, he can serve in place of them.” *pause* “Except for President. Or Vice President. Or Treasurer.”

Laguna: “Groovy!”

Algus: “Very well then! All in favor of this new arrangement?”

(everyone but sephiroth’s hand goes up.)

Algus: “All opposed?”

Sephiroth: *hand up* “Me!”

Algus: “Well then, it seems majority rules again.”

Sephiroth: “Damn majority!”

Rufus: “Let’s call them and tell them the good news!”

(so everyone but sephiroth crowds around the phone. he puts his head in his hands.)

Sephiroth: “I don’t believe this! It’s like out of a nightmare! This couldn’t possibly have been worse!” *glances out the window to see auron walking by and he shudders* “Stupid universe and its stupid perfect timing.”

THE END

 

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