Gippal: *blurts out* “He has to feed his goats, but I can go out with you!”

 Originally Published: 5/2/09 . 16 pages
I saw how Chris looked in the new Resident Evil game, thought he looked like he was on steroids, and this idea was born. It was fun to focus on some lesser used characters in this one.   

 

(maxi, gippal and dante are standing around in the locker room of the club.)

Gippal: “Has anyone else noticed Chris looks different recently?”

(chris then walks by and he looks totally jacked up. maxi clearly stares only at his crotch.)

Maxi: “No.”

Gippal: “I meant his muscles. He looks totally jacked!”

Dante: “He’s a cop. Cops need to be in shape.” *pause* “Although those donut jokes didn’t come from nowhere.”

Maxi: “He does look pretty ripped. He must be working out a lot lately or something – probably more prepping to go fight Umbrella or something.”

(he and dante laugh, but gippal frowns.)

Dante: “What’s the matter, Gip?”

Gippal: “He’s just seemed to put that muscle on pretty quickly, that’s all.”

Dante: “He’s probably been downing protein drinks or something. You know Chris – he’d never do drugs! Especially since he was arrested for unknowingly selling pot that time.”

Gippal: “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

Dante: “‘Course I’m right!” *pause* “I could go for some of those ‘herbs’ myself right now. Let’s go.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………..

(the next day, back at the club, maxi and gippal stand around.)

Gippal: *sigh* “I need a boyfriend.”

Maxi: “You and me both.”

Gippal: “Oh shut up. You dated that guy recently…what’s his face. My turn next.”

Maxi: “You should join my gym. Lots of hot guys there.”

Gippal: “Your gym is expensive. And I’m not nearly jacked enough for the muscleheads that go there. I don’t need to be in that good of shape. I’m not fighting random people all the time like you are.”

Maxi: “Chris goes to my gym.”

Gippal: “…His new bod is maybe starting to make sense…”

(then chris enters.)

Gippal: “Speaking of Jack Jackington…”

Maxi: *blink blink* “What the hell is that?”

Gippal: “What? Jack Jackington’s not clever?”

Maxi: “Fail.”

(following chris, another guy enters. he’s wearing a police uniform and is very good looking. gippal gasps and grabs maxi’s arm.)

Maxi: “Ow!”

Gippal: “I’m in love!”

Maxi: “Him? He goes to my gym, too. He’s a friend of Chris’, I guess. And I don’t think he’s gay.”

Gippal: “I’ll turn him.”

Maxi: “That’s what you said about Delita’s friend. What was it? Ramza. Him.”

Gippal: “That doesn’t count! That guy was like a robot or something.”

Maxi: “Fine. But don’t count on me to make all those references to how big your c–“

Gippal: “Shush! They’re coming!”

(chris and the other guy come over. gippal smiles seductively, but he doesn’t notice.)

Gippal: “Hey, Chris. Who’s your friend?”

Chris: “This is Leon Kennedy. He’s a fellow cop.”

Maxi: “Nice to meet ya, man.”

Gippal: “Leon is a really sexy name.” *gets nudged hard by maxi* “Ow!”

Leon: “Hello.”

Chris: *to maxi* “We were just heading to the gym. Wanna come?”

Maxi: “Sure.”

Gippal: “Sure!”

(chris and especially maxi stare at him in confusion)

Chris: “I didn’t know you joined our gym.”

Maxi: “That’s because he didn’t.”

Gippal: “Sure I did! What are we waiting for? Let’s go lift stuff!” *falls into step with leon* “So, how much can you bench press?”

Maxi: *shakes head*

…………………………………………………………………………………………………..

(shortly after, maxi and gippal are at the gym on stair machines, watching chris and leon on the weight machines.)

Maxi: “Are you insane? You signed up for a second gym and agreed to a 2 year commitment for a guy you just met?”

Gippal: “Just for that you’re not invited to our wedding.”

Maxi: “You’re crazy! He’s straight! He didn’t pick up on any of that sexual innuendo you were harassing him with on the way over.”

Gippal: “Sure he did! He gave me a look after my comment about knowing how to drive stick!”

Maxi: “That was a *weird* look. Because he thinks you’re a weirdo.”

Gippal: “God, he’s so hot.”

Maxi: “You’re not listening to me.”

Gippal: “I should invite him to the club! And I could wear my cop outfit! And then maybe afterwards we could play bad cop, good cop. Guess who’ll be the bad cop?”

Maxi: *sigh* “I give up.”

(leon stops and starts walking over to them.)

Gippal: “Here he comes! He’s gonna ask me out!”

Maxi: *rolls eyes* “Sure he is.”

Leon: “Hello.”

Gippal: “Hey there.”

Leon: “You two are good friends with Chris, right?”

Maxi: “Sure.”

Gippal: “Totally good friends!”

Leon: “Good. I need to…well, do you think we could meet for dinner tonight?”

Gippal: *blurts out* “He has to feed his goats, but I can go out with you!”

Maxi: *turns to gippal with his jaw dropped*

Leon: “Okay, that’ll be fine, I guess. Meet me at Belmont at 8?”

Gippal: “Sounds great!”

(leon leaves. maxi keeps glaring.)

Maxi: “I have to feed my goats?!”

Gippal: “Sorry. It was the first thing that came to mind.”

Maxi: “The first thing that comes to your mind when you think of me is goats?”

Gippal: “Well, after that last guy you dated…”

Maxi: “Oh, ha ha. Well have fun with Mr. dreamboat. But don’t consider this a date. He clearly wants to talk about something involving Chris.”

Gippal: “Whatever! We’ll talk about Chris, then I’ll take him back to my place, then I’ll–“

Maxi: “Wake up. And you mean *our* place. I swear if I find you on the couch like that again–“

Gippal: “You’re just jealous! I’m gonna get him! You’ll see!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………..

(later, at Belmont, which is, yeah, Franswa’s until now unnamed restaurant, leon and gippal sit at a table. the place is crowded.)

Gippal: “I know the chef here. We used to strip together.”

Leon: “…Seems like it’s an…interesting job.”

Gippal: “You bet it is. I wouldn’t wanna do anything else.”

(then their waitress arrives. it’s trini, and her uniform shirt has been adjusted so she’s showing a lot of cleavage.)

Trini: “Hi, welcome to Belmont. My name is Trini and I’ll be your server–hey! Gippal! What’s up? What’re you doing here?”

Gippal: “Oh, nothing much. Just having a little dinner with my new friend Leon.”

Trini: *smiles seductively at leon* “Hi there.”

Leon: *doesn’t even look at her* “Hello.”

Gippal: *grins*

Trini: “So how are things at the club?”

Gippal: “Great. What are you doing waitressing here? Your brother fire you from his bar?”

Trini: “No, just picking up some extra cash.”

Gippal: *indicates her cleavage* “I’ll bet.”

Trini: *grins* “So can I get you boys some drinks?”

Leon: “Just water.”

Gippal: “Same for me.”

Trini: “Now there’s the start of a wild evening. I’ll be right back.”

(she leaves. gippal buries his head in his menu and grins.)

Gippal: *mouths* “He didn’t look at her boobs!”

Leon: “So, Gippal–“

Gippal: *puts down menu* “Yes?”

Leon: “I asked you here tonight because you’re a friend of Chris’. And I really need another friend of his to help me with this. I’ve been feeling this way for a long time, and I’ve tried to look the other way. But I can’t keep this to myself any longer.” *his phone rings* “Damn. Please excuse me a moment.”

(he takes his phone and leaves the table. gippal frowns. then he feels his own phone vibrate. he looks to find a text from maxi)

[MAXI] hey, napoleon! conquer him yet?

(gippal hesitates, but then he texts him back.)

[REPLY] no! 😦 he basically just told me he likes chris!

[MAXI] srsly?

[REPLY] would i make that up?

(leon returns. gippal shoves his phone back in his pocket.)

Leon: “I’m sorry about that. What was I saying?”

Gippal: “You were talking about your feelings.”

Leon: “Right. So I want to face him, but I don’t want to do it alone. As his close friend, you must have noticed he’s…well, I’m sure you already know what I mean.”

Gippal: *dully* “Sure.”

Leon: “So will you help me? I want as many people as possible who care about Chris to be there. I can’t do this alone.”

Gippal: “Why?”

Leon: “Well, when dealing with situations like this, I find it best to do it in a group.”

Gippal: “…Okay…”

Leon: “So will you bring him to the club at 7 on Tuesday? I’ll tell everyone else to be there at six-thirty. I trust they’ll be on time.”

Gippal: “Sure, I guess.” *pause* “You sure you wanna go through with it that way?”

Leon: “I’ve thought long and hard about it, and this is the best way. The only way.”

Gippal: *mutters* “Fantastic.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………..

(later, he returns home and goes upstairs. maxi comes out of his room and meets him in the hallway.)

Maxi: “You’re home early.”

Gippal: “Chris or Edward home?”

Maxi: “Nope.”

Gippal: “God, it was like hell! He wants a big audience of Chris’ pals at the club on Tuesday night so he can like profess his love for him or something.”

Maxi: “You’re kidding!”

Gippal: “Would I make that kinda sh*t up? And guess who he wants to bring Chris to the club, like it’s his fricking surprise party!!”

Maxi: “Ouch. Did he at least pay for dinner?”

Gippal: “No! And I find out after I order something expensive! But I’ll tell you one thing – I’m *so* over that guy.”

Maxi: “….You still want him, don’t you.”

Gippal: *whines* “He’s *so* hot!”

Maxi: “Well, Chris is straight and too obsessed with Umbrella to even date girls, so after he shoots this Leon guy down you can do that thing you do where you move in to ‘comfort him’.”

Gippal: “I guess. That usually works pretty well.”

Maxi: “Sure it does! Remember the time with Nikki after he got rejected by that loser he slept with? That’s your signature!” *pats him on the shoulder*

Gippal: “I guess.”

Maxi: “Now cheer up. I need to tell you what I found in the garbage earlier that creeped me out.”

Gippal: “One of Edward’s Playboys?”

Maxi: “Way worse – a needle.”

Gippal: “Needle? Like a sewing needle?”

Maxi: “No, like inject yourself needle.”

Gippal: “Gross! What if it stuck you or something?!”

Maxi: “Thank god it didn’t. So who do you think used it?”

Gippal: “Hmm…maybe somebody’s diabetic?”

Maxi: “No way. We’d know.”

Gippal: *softly* “You don’t think…”

Maxi: *nods* “That’s exactly what I think.”

Gippal: “It makes sense, really. I mean, just look at him.”

Maxi: “I know.” *sigh* “Edward’s using drugs. And right under our noses!”

Gippal: “What should we do? Search his room? Confront him? Call the cops? Wait! We could talk to Chris – or Leon!” *grin*

Maxi: “We have to be careful about this. I mean obviously Edward has to be a complete idiot to do drugs in a house where one of his roommates is a cop, but he’s kinda our friend, and we should try to help him.”

Gippal: “Search his room then?”

Maxi: “Let’s go.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………..

(the next day at the club, maxi and gippal are talking by their lockers. chris is in the background.)

Gippal: “I can’t believe we didn’t find anything in his room.”

Maxi:  “You mean drug wise. Because we definitely found some stuff we coulda lived without seeing.”

Both: *shudder*

Maxi: “Anyway, maybe he keeps the stuff on him so no one else finds it.”

Gippal: “What drug you think he’s on?”

(in the background, a shirtless chris balls his fists and starts punching his locker furiously. gippal and maxi don’t turn around.)

Maxi: “I’m not sure. Could be a bunch of things.”

(chris starts punching harder.)

Gippal: “It’s scary, you know? Knowing someone’s doing that sh*t right under your own roof and you were totally clueless.”

Maxi: “Really makes you think.”

Gippal: “There really weren’t any signs.”

(chris grabs a locker and shakes it violently. gippal and maxi finally look back.)

Maxi: “What’s his problem?”

Gippal: “I dunno. Maybe Umbrella…uh…what kinda company are they?”

Maxi: *shrugs*

(chris walks over looking sweaty)

Maxi: “Hey – what’s got you all pissed off?”

Chris: *snaps* “Why? You have a problem with me?”

Gippal and Maxi: “…..No.”

Chris: “ARGH! It’s just so STUPID!”

Maxi: “…Sure it is.”

Chris: “I have all this crap all over my back – look! I think Umbrella somehow gave me a rash! Those sons of BITCHES!”

(maxi and gippal look at his back.)

Gippal: “That isn’t a rash. Those are pimples. You have backne.”

Chris: “Backne? What the f*ck is that?!”

Gippal: “Acne on your back.”

Chris: “WHAT THE F*CK!? ARGH!” *punches a locker* “THIS IS BULLSH*T!”

(he stomps out. maxi and gippal look at each other.)

Gippal: “I didn’t realize it was his time of the month.”

Maxi: “Seriously.”

Gippal: “Well, no one’s gonna want a lap dance from him with that sh*t all over his back.”

Maxi: “Nope.”

(they high five without even looking at each other, then they finish getting themselves ready and leave the room.)

…………………………………………………………………………………………………..

(the next day, back at their place, dante is over and sitting at their kitchen table, leaning back in his chair and digging into a carton of chinese food.)

Gippal: “So come on, Dante. Have you noticed anything different about Edward lately?”

Dante: “Nah. But I haven’t exactly been checkin’ him out.”

Maxi: “Why? Not like he’s bad looking.”

Dante: “Course not. I wouldn’t hire anyone ugly.”

Maxi: *shrugs* “I’d do him.”

Gippal: “You’d do anyone! And we’re getting off track! We need to help Edward here. He clearly has a problem.”

Dante: “Almost as bad as the problem Chris has with his backne.”

(gippal shakes his head as the phone rings. he answers it.)

Gippal: “Hello?”

Leon’s voice: “Hi, Gippal. It’s Leon.”

Gippal: “Oh, hey Leon.”

Leon’s voice: “You’re just the person I want to talk to. Is everything set for tomorrow night?”

Gippal: *sigh* “Yup. I told Chris that Dante called a meeting for everyone at seven.”

Leon’s voice: “Perfect. This is going to happen just the way I pictured it. Thanks for all your help.”

Gippal: *rolls eyes* “You’re welcome.”

Leon’s voice: “See you tomorrow.”

Gippal: “Yeah, bye.” *hangs up*

Maxi: “Who was that?”

Gippal: “Leon the almighty. Wanted to make sure everything was ready for his profession of love tomorrow night.”

Dante: “Who does that?”

Gippal: “Guys as gorgeous as him, I guess.”

Dante: “I resent that. I haven’t seen this guy, but I already know I’m hotter.”

Maxi: “So back to the Edward thing–“

Dante: “You guys seriously think Edward is doing drugs?”

Maxi and Gippal: “Well…yeah.”

Maxi: “You don’t?”

Dante: “No! That’s why I’ve been joking about it! I’m not that much of an insensitive prick! The guy is broke! How is he affording drugs?”

Gippal: “Then where do you think the needle came from?”

(they hear a door slam.)

Chris’ voice: “What the HELL is with those bushes?! GOD!”

Dante: “The hell if I know.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………..

(the next day, chris and gippal are walking to the club close to 7 pm.)

Chris: “What do you think this meeting is about?”

Gippal: “I don’t know. Something stupid, I bet.”

Chris: “He better not be hiring any more people! It’s f*cking ridiculous now! I’m trying to get money to fight Umbrella here!”

Gippal: “I’m saving for an iPhone. …Well, another one. To keep at work.”

(so they reach the club and gippal gestures for chris to go inside first. inside are: dante, alucard, maxi, edward, delita, atsuma, vaan, ashley, irvine, zidane, franswa, rude and tseng. also, leon, jill, another guy – barry – and another girl, his sister claire.)

Chris: “What the…?! Leon? Jill? Sis? What’s – Barry! Where’s Barry?”

Barry: “Right here, Chris.”

(gippal goes over to maxi, dante and alucard.)

Gippal: *mutters* “Anyone else ready to gag?”

Leon: *takes chris by the shoulders* “Chris, I had everyone come here for a very special reason. I have something very important to say.”

Gippal: *makes gagging motion*

Leon: “Your steroid use has got to stop.”

Gippal and Maxi: *blink blink* “….Oh.”

Chris: “I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

Leon: “Come on, Chris! It’s been obvious to everyone! The sudden muscle gain – you look like you can lift a truck with those arms!”

Chris: “Thanks!”

Jill: “Chris, it’s not healthy! You’ve been snapping at everyone lately.”

Barry: “Not to mention the backne.”

Chris: “But I need it! I’m not strong enough to fight Umbrella without it!”

Leon: *sigh* “Chris, I wish it didn’t have to come to this, but…” *holds up bottle* “The steroids are made by Umbrella.”

Chris: *hands to his head* “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” *starts sobbing* “What have I done?!”

Leon: *pats him on the back* “It’s okay. We’ll get you some help.”

Maxi: *blink blink* “Well. That solves that mystery. I guess Edwards’ not a drug addict after all.”

Edward: “What?!”

Maxi: “Uh, nothing.”

Gippal: “I don’t believe this! My original idea was right! But then you two had to convince me I was wrong – Chris would never do drugs you said!”

Dante: *shrugs* “I can’t always be perfect. But I’m close.”

Gippal: “I was convinced Leon was gonna propose to him or something!”

Dante: “Seriously?” *stares at leon* “That guy’s not gay.”

Gippal: “Shut up! There’s still hope for me!”

(jill and barry lead chris out and everybody applauds.)

Maxi: “The important thing here is that Chris is on the road to being healthy again. Not that Leon is suddenly single.”

Gippal: *rolls eyes*

Dante: “Well, since everybody’s here, might as well have a party.”

Gippal: *searching the crowd* “Where’d Leon go?”

Maxi: “Maybe he left with Chris.”

Gippal: “I don’t think so… I gotta talk to him.”

(so he starts to look around the club, and suddenly he turns his head to see leon making out with claire in a dark corner. gippal frowns and returns to maxi looking upset.)

Maxi: “You find him?”

Gippal: “Yeah! Making out with Chris’ sister!”

Maxi: “Told you he was straight.”

Gippal: “Who makes out with their best friend’s sister at an intervention?”

Maxi: *shrugs* “Dante turned one into a party.”

Gippal: “Ugh. What a creep. I am so over that guy.”

Maxi: “…….You still want him.”

Gippal: “….He’s just *so* hot!”

THE END