Hanzell: “I don’t think houses are for eating… Aw, screw it.”

 Originally Published: Uh, now. But it was written in 2010 . 47 pages

I loved writing the Final Fairy Tales rambles so much I thought it would be fun to do it again with a different set of stories. Stories parodied here include: Hansel and Gretel, The Gingerbread Man, Aladdin, Snow White and Rose Red and Rapunzel. This took me a very long time to write because I kept stalling. But I was happy with the eventual final product.

(sephiroth, zell, alucard, franswa and algus walk into the ramble room.)

Algus: “So none of you know any nearly useless peasants that might make a good slave?”

Sephiroth: “No! Why don’t you ask your brother?”

Algus: “I can’t! He thinks I already have one, thanks to a conveniently placed blow-up doll I found in a closet. Placed behind a shower curtain, the silhouette almost looks real. I can see why they were invented.”

Sephiroth: *opens his mouth to talk*

Alucard: “Don’t do it.”

Zell: “Hey! What’s this thing?” *picks up book*

Sephiroth: “It’s a book. Literate people read them.”

Zell: “That’s not what I meant, ‘Roth!”

Franswa: *reading over his shoulder* “Fairy Tales…”

Zell: “Cool!”

(he opens the book, and everybody gets sucked in. of course.)

Narrator: *mutters* “Finally some new stories.” *brightly* “Long ago, in a faraway village, there was a small cottage where a poor family lived quite happily…”

(we go to the cottage at the edge of the woods. inside is the father, who looks like toya, the mother, who looks like makoto, and two kids: a zell lookalike and a girly looking atsuma.)

Mother: “Hanzell! Attel! Why don’t you go outside and pick some berries?”

Hanzell: “But they’re poisonous!”

Mother: “Just go!”

(so they go outside. mother turns to father.)

Mother: “This is pathetic! You wasted all our money on that ‘invention’ of yours – now we don’t have enough food to make it through winter!”

Father: “You just wait! One day penicillin is going to be big!”

Mother: *rolls eyes* “Well what do you suppose we do?”

Father: “You could sell some of your clothes.”

Mother: “I don’t think so!”

(the kids come back in)

Attel: “We picked the berries! They sure look tasty!”

Mother: “Get rid of them! Those things are poisonous!”

(the kids frown and go back outside.)

Father: “Well, maybe you could get some kind of job.”

Mother: “What?! Where do you come up with these outlandish ideas?”

(the kids return)

Hanzell: “We dumped the berries!”

Mother: *growls to father* “We’ll discuss this later.”

Narrator: “Later that night, when the children were asleep, the parents resumed their unhappy conversation.”

Mother: “Anyway, back to what I was saying before. There’s only one way to solve our food shortage problem.”

Father: “Eat smaller portions?”

Mother: “Somebody has to go.”

Father: “What?!”

Mother: “And I think we both know who it should be.”

Father: *sad sigh* “I always feared this day would come.”

Mother: “Not you! Hanzell! And the other one!”

Father: “You want to kill the children?!”

Mother: “No! Not kill! Leave in the woods for dead!”

Father: “I don’t know…that sounds awfully cruel. These are our children! They’re so young and innocent!”

Mother: “And stupid! One of them has repeatedly tried to eat the berries, even though he *knows* they’re poisonous!” *pause* “Maybe I should have let him…”

Father: “Fine, fine! I will lead them so far into the wood that they will never be able to find their way home.”

Mother: “Fabulous.”

Narrator: “Although the parents assumed their precious children were asleep, Hanzell had been awake the whole time and heard everything.”

Hanzell: *wide eyed mutters* “What should I do…?”

Narrator: “We’ll find out later. In the meantime, we go to another cozy cottage. But no one’s planning child abuse in this one. Instead a baker is merely taking a tray of baked goods out of the oven.”

Baker: *looks like franswa* “Looks like my food is done!” *takes tray out of the oven and puts it down* “Gingerbread…” *takes out another and puts it down* “And pizza!” *pause* “Hmm… I wonder what would happen if I did something *crazy*. Something *wild*.”

Narrator: “The baker’s idea of excitement was to cut a man shape out of the pizza instead of the gingerbread. He added eyes made of olives and a mouth made of bacon. And yeah, he didn’t get out much.”

Baker: “Yum! He looks delicious!”

Narrator: “But suddenly, to the baker’s utter horror, his creation jumped to his little pizza feet.”

Baker: “Holy Christmas cookies!”

Narrator: “And then the little heathen baked good did something even more horrifying. It spoke.”

Crazy Pizza Man: “Run, run, run as fast as you can! You can’t catch me, I’m the crazy pizza man! Hehe!”

Narrator: “And with that, he jumped out the window and ran into the grass. The baker, mostly out of stupidity–“

Baker: “Hey!”

Narrator: “And a vague notion that people might pay to see a creepy talking pizza creature, started running after it.”

Baker: “Oh. Right!” *runs after it*

Narrator: “We’ll catch up with them later.” *pause* “Get it? Catch up? ‘Cause they’re running?” *pause* “Fine. Don’t laugh. See if I care. Anyway, next we travel to yet another kingdom, in another time, where a young prince is having father troubles.”

(the prince looks like alucard, and the sultan looks like dracula)

Sultan: “Alsmine! You have to get married before your next birthday! The canaries told me so! And they never lie!”

Alsmine: “But I don’t want to marry any of these jerks you keep inviting over! The last one wanted me to wear a dress!”

Sultan: “Dresses are comfortable, Alsmine! I wish I was wearing one right now…” *wanders out*

Alsmine: “That’s it. I’m out of here.”

Narrator: “And so the young prince sneaked past the guards, climbed the castle walls, and escaped into the city. Meanwhile, however, the Sultan’s obviously evil advisor, Jamare, was up to something…”

(the advisor looks like nightmare and is accompanied by a bird with the head of nemesis. ew. ugliest bird ever.)

Jamare: “Jamare has finally found a way into Cave of Wonders!” *points into a glass where there is a guy who looks like dante* “Jamare must use this thief! How easy this will be now!”

Iagisis: “Stars!”

Narrator: “Back in the city, the young thief Jamare was creepily staring at, Daladdin, had just stolen a bunch of apples with the aid of his monkey, Abergil–“

Daladdin: *bites into an apple* “This is the life, Aboyd.”

Narrator: “…Who he never called by the correct name.”

Abergil: *yells at him in monkey talk*

Daladdin: “Yeah, I know I look fantastic with no shirt on. You don’t have to remind me.”

Narrator: “Suddenly, a mysterious cloaked figure came running frantically down the alleyway and tripped.”

(daladdin catches the person before they can fall.)

Daladdin: “Hey – you okay?”

Alsmine: “I handed an apple to some hungry children and now some large men are chasing me!”

Daladdin: “Running from the police, huh? That’s my specialty! This way.”

Narrator: “So he led the mysterious person back to his simple hideout that was tucked away atop a building.”

Daladdin: “You’ll be safe now.”

Alsmine: “Thank you.”

Daladdin: “I’m Daladdin. What’s your name?”

Alsmine: “Uh…” *walks away* “Nice place you have here.”

Daladdin: “It’s certainly not the palace, but the view makes up for it.” *pulls a ratty curtain across to reveal a great view of the palace*

Alsmine: “Wow.”

Daladdin: “Must be great to live there.”

Alsmine: “You would think.”

Daladdin: “What’s that?”

Alsmine: “Nothing.”

Narrator: “Suddenly, some guards burst in and seized Daladdin before he could react.”

Daladdin: “Hey!” *struggles* “What the hell?!”

Guard 1: *looks like maxi* “You’re coming back to the palace with us, buddy.”

Daladdin: “What for?!”

Guard 2: *looks like gippal* “Like it isn’t obvious – thief!”

Alsmine: “Let him go!” *grabs guard’s arm*

Guard 1: *pushes him away* “Back off, sweetie! Your boyfriend’s in big trouble.”

Alsmine: “Unhand him!” *removes hood* “By order of Prince Alsmine!”

Narrator: “And they all gasped in surprise. But no one was more surprised than Daladdin.”

Daladdin: “Prince?! God, he’s hot!”

Guard 2: “Prince Alsmine! What are you doing here?”

Alsmine: “Never mind that. Let him go.”

Guard 1: “I’d love to, your highness. But our orders come from Jamare. You’ll have to take it up with him.”

Alsmine: “Oh, I will.”

Narrator: “So Daladdin was taken to jail and chained up. And he was not happy to be there.”

Daladdin: “This sucks! I didn’t even do anything! …That they saw, anyway.”

Narrator: “But luckily he had someone on his side…”

(the monkey comes down and frowns at him.)

Daladdin: “Now you show up! Let me out of here!”

Abergil: *shakes head no*

Daladdin: “You know, I hear monkey goes great with rice…”

Narrator: “So the unhappy monkey freed his master with the keys he had swiped.”

Daladdin: *rubs wrists* “Well that’s a start. Now I gotta get out of here and find that Prince. He’s hot.” *frowns* “Yeah, but even if I do, a prince would never marry a thief! He can probably only marry royalty!” *determined* “Well I wanna be royalty! I wanna be rich and nail that prince! There must be a way!”

Narrator: “Suddenly he heard creepy halting laughter.”

Daladdin: “What the f*ck is that?”

Narrator: “An old man appeared and hobbled over.”

Old man: “I know how you can be rich!”

Daladdin: “I’m not falling for that King of Nigeria scheme, buddy.”

Old man: “No! There is a cave! Cave of Wonders! It is full of treasure!”

Daladdin: “Oh really? And I suppose you know right where it is?”

Old man: “Yes! And all Ja-er…*I* ask is that you bring the lamp you find inside back. The rest is yours.”

Daladdin: “Sounds great. Too bad we’re stuck in jail.”

Narrator: “But the old man pushed a rock with his cane and Daladdin could see the ground outside.”

Old man: “Follow me.”

Narrator: “So the old man, who was clearly Jamare in disguise, led Daladdin to the Cave of Wonders and watched eagerly as he easily made his way inside.”

Daladdin: “Now remember what we were told, Aboyd. Don’t touch anything except the lamp. I don’t trust caves that appear from nowhere out of sand.”

Narrator: “The duo made their way to the back of the cave, befriending a magic flying carpet along the way. The carpet, which seemed to have some kind of personality despite the fact that it was cloth, led them to the lamp.”

Daladdin: *picks it up* “He wants this ugly thing?” *shrugs* “Oh well. More for me. Let’s go, Aboyd. …Aboyd?”

Narrator: “Daladdin spotted his furry companion just as he was touching a large red jewel.”

Daladdin: “No! You stupid monkey!”

Narrator: But it was too late. Immediately the cave started to collapse. Daladdin hopped on the magic carpet.”

Daladdin: “Dammit, Aboyd! Take me back to the entrance!”

Narrator: “So the carpet whisked the pair on an action packed ride back to the entrance. More and more rocks were falling from the ceiling, and when they were nearly there, a rock struck the carpet. Daladdin hung from his fingertips, only a foot from the entrance where the old man stood.”

Daladdin: “Help me, you old quack!”

Old man: “First hand Jamare the lamp!”

Daladdin: “Who?”

Old man: “Give it!”

Narrator: “So Daladdin heaved it up there. And as soon as the old man had it in his hands…”

Old man: “Hahahaha! It is Jamare’s!”

Narrator: “The monkey tried to attack him, but the old man tossed him back into the cave. He then grinned evilly down at Daladdin.”

Old man: “You have served your purpose, street rat!”

Narrator: And with those words the cave sealed and fell back into the sand, trapping Daladdin inside.”

Daladdin: “Oh, this f*cking sucks!”

Narrator: “But for now we move to yet another cottage in yet another place. Inside this cozy home lived a widow and her two lovely daughters, Sun Shine and Rose Trini, who could not look more different.”

Mother: *looks like scarlet* “Yeah. Guess why.”

Narrator: “It was winter, and while snow was falling outside, the little cottage was very warm.”

Sun Shine: “I’m done with all my chores, mother!”

Rose Trini: “Me too, mother. Those toys under your bed sure are weird.”

Mother: “I told you never to touch those! Mommy only plays with those when she has a rich male friend over!”

Narrator: “Suddenly there was a knock at the remote cottage’s door.”

Mother: “Hopefully that’s one now.”

Narrator: “But when she opened the door, she was face to face with a large bear.”

Mother: “I’m gonna charge extra for this.”

Sun Shine: “Oh my goodness! A bear! He’s going to eat us!”

Rose Trini: “Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!”

Mother: “With what?! I’m not the kind of irresponsible parent that leaves guns lying around!”

Narrator: “Not to say she was a responsible parent.”

Mother: “Hey! We don’t need your commentary, honey!”

Narrator: “But luckily for the barely competent mother and her two beautiful daughters, this bear was not looking for lunch.”

Bear: “Please. I’m not here to harm you. I’m merely seeking shelter from the bitter cold.”

Rose Trini: “Omg! It talks!”

Mother: “Oh good. So it’s not just me.”

Sun Shine: “Shelter from the cold? But you’re a bear. And it’s winter. Shouldn’t you be hibernating?”

Bear: “Outside?! In a cave?! How dare you suggest I’m only worthy of such primitive comforts!”

Mother: “Sun Shine, let the damn talking bear in already. You’re letting all the cold air in! And the singing purple Leprechaun can come in too.”

Narrator: “So the bear came inside and the girls brushed the snow from his fur as he laid by the fire.”

Bear: “Excellent service. Make sure not to overlook my back paws.”

Rose Trini: “So how did you learn to talk, Mr. Bear?”

Bear: “Sir Bear. And it is a very long and involved story.”

Sun Shine: “We wouldn’t mind hearing it. We love stories.”

Bear: “That was the polite way to tell you to mind your own business.”

Mother: “Girls! Stop harassing the bear to tell his obviously tragic and painful tale! Why don’t you grill him about whether he has any single, human friends looking for some warmth – wink wink.”

Bear: “If I did, do you think I would seek shelter in some peasant shack like this?”

Sun Shine: “You’re pretty uppity for a wild animal.”

Rose Trini: “Yeah! You go to the bathroom outside!”

Sun Shine: “So do we, remember? Indoor plumbing hasn’t been invented yet.”

Rose Trini: “Oh yeah. That totally sucks.”

Bear: “Please. If you could shelter me for the duration of the winter, I will find a way to repay you.”

Mother: “Could you catch us some dinner? Because those twig and string traps ain’t been workin’ like they used to.”

Bear: *sigh* “Very well.”

Mother: “Looks like we have a deal.”

Narrator: “And so the mother and two girls gave the bear shelter throughout the winter. And, in return, he made promises of great rewards and caught a squirrel here and there.”

Mother: “Yeah. Because that’ll feed three people and a huge ass bear.”

Narrator: “They got along well for a snotty, pompous bear, two teenage girls and an alcoholic mother. And despite one major fight involving an accident on the carpet, it was a pleasant winter. But as soon as the final frost had disappeared, the bear was ready to head back into the forest.”

Bear: “You have been most kind. But I’m afraid I have some business in the woods.”

Mother: “Just like you had ‘some business’ on my carpet last month?”

Bear: “I thought we put that issue behind us!”

Sun Shine: “Mother! Bear! Please! Let’s remember the happy memories.”

Rose Trini: “Like the time mom finally shared her booze!”

Mother: “I was so sure that stuff was tainted.”

Bear: “Thank you for your hospitality. It will not be forgotten.”

Mother: “What about all that reward you promised us?”

Bear: “…Oh. Right. Well, there are some…complications with that, you see. But once I have that cleared up, I will return and shower you with riches!”

Rose Trini: “Wow!”

Sun Shine: “Really?”

Mother: “Yeah, right.”

Narrator: “And so, with those parting words, the bear returned to the forest.”

Mother: “Leave the door open, girls. Maybe it’ll help get the bear stink out. Plus I haven’t seen that singing Leprechaun in awhile. It’s about time his ass hit the road, too!”

Rose Trini: “Did you hear what the bear said, mother? We’re going to be rich!”

Mother: “Sure, honey, and I’m some sea witch who turned a guy into a frog. Now let’s go bring the neckline down on all my dresses. That’s gotta get me some attention at market.”

Narrator: “As their mother returned inside, Rose Trini turned to her sister.”

Rose Trini: “You believe him! Don’t you, Sun Shine?”

Sun Shine: “I have to, sister. I have to.”

Narrator: “Would the bear return as promised? We’ll find out later. For now we go to our last story, where a young, single woman is expecting her first baby.”

Mother: *looks like lucretia* “My husband was killed in a science accident. He absolutely did not run off muttering something about a candy house and a sex change.”

Narrator: “The young woman lived next door to a warlock who kept a large garden he was very protective of.”

Warlock: *looks like auron* “Many of my plants are rare and require special care. I’ve won numerous state fair ribbons. Last year I even took home best yam. That is a very prestigious honor.”

Narrator: *has fallen asleep*

Warlock: *clears throat*

Narrator: *jerks awake* “Huh? What? Where am I?”

Mother: “You’re telling our story.”

Narrator: “Oh. Right. Anyway, the expectant mother was having some cravings, as pregnant women are known to do, and all she wanted – more than anything in the world – was a carrot from the warlock’s garden.”

Mother: “He won’t miss one little carrot.”

Narrator: “So one night she sneaked over there and snatched a carrot. It was the most delicious thing she ever ate.”

Mother: “Sure beats cockroach surprise.”

Narrator: “But the next morning…”

Warlock’s voice: “ARGH!!!!”

(the warlock appears suddenly in the mother’s house.)

Mother: *screams*

Warlock: “You! You have stolen one of my carrots!”

Mother: “How did you possibly notice?! You have so many crops!”

Warlock: “Oh, I noticed. Those carrots won the most orange award five years in a row!”

Mother: “I’m sorry! But I was craving a carrot and yours are so delicious!”

Warlock: “Of course they are! I make my own fertilizer!”

Mother: *looks at narrator*

Narrator: “Don’t ask.”

Mother: “Well, uh, you simply must let me eat more! I’ll go mad if I can’t have more!”

Warlock: “Absolutely not! What will win me the most orange award next year then? Oranges?” *pause* “Actually…”

Mother: “Please! I’ll give you anything you want!”

Warlock: “Please! What could you–” *notices her stomach* “Hmm… *Anything*, did you say?”

Mother: “Yes! Anything!”

Warlock: “I want your baby.”

Mother: *rolls eyes* “Yeah, okay. Fine. You can have my baby.”

Narrator: “And so, after a few more months of enjoying the carrots–“

Warlock: “Award winning.”

Narrator: *rolls eyes* “Award winning carrots…a baby boy was born. The young mother named him Sephpunzel, which is at least a better name than Rumpelgyahaahaa. Anyway, only one day after the baby was born the warlock came to claim his payment.”

Mother: “What are you doing here?”

Warlock: “I’m here for my payment.”

Mother: “What payment?”

Warlock: “The baby. In exchange for the carrots.”

Mother: “What?! You were serious?”

Warlock: “I am always serious.”

Mother: “B-but – I thought it was a joke! What could a garden obsessed Warlock want with a baby?”

Warlock: “What does it matter? Hand it over.”

Narrator: “Overcome with grief, the young mother had no choice. And the next day, she died of a broken heart.”

Warlock: “Don’t make it sound so tragic! We had an agreement! It isn’t my fault she didn’t take it seriously!”

Narrator: “So just what did the warlock want with a baby? We’ll find out later. Right now, let’s return to the two young children whose horrible mother was planning their slow and painful death via starvation in the woods.”

Mother: “You’re making me sound evil.”

Narrator: “Is that hard?”

Mother: “You’ll be next if you don’t watch it!”

Narrator: “Right. So anyway, the next morning Hanzell was still wondering what to do when his father called the children over.”

Father: “Come on, children. We’re going on a little hike.”

Attel: “Oh boy! Are we going to find more berries? Ones that don’t smell like dead squirrels?”

Father: “Uh, sure.”

Mother: “Make sure you don’t get lost never to be found again, children!”

Narrator: “Hanzell knew he would have to somehow make a trail they could follow home. Thinking fast, he ran into the yard and pocketed all the stones from the dead and totally never award winning garden. His pockets bulging with stones, he caught up with his father.”

Hanzell: “All set, dad!”

Attel: “I’m gonna eat so many berries!”

Narrator: “So the father led the children deep into the forest on a confusing, twisting path. As they walked, Hanzell was careful to drop stones. At last they reached a clearing miles from their cottage. The father gave each of his children a hug.”

Father: “Now you wait here until it’s dark, okay? I’ll be back.”

Attel: “And then we’ll get the berries?”

Father: *runs off crying*

Attel: “Wow. He’s so excited he’s crying! I wish when I was that excited the water came out my eyes. Then I wouldn’t have to wash my pants so much.”

Narrator: “Hanzell knew his brother…wasn’t very bright. To put it lightly. But he felt he had to tell him the truth.”

Hanzell: “There aren’t any berries.”

Attel: “Of course there are! Dad said so! And he would never lie to us ever! Never ever!”

Hanzell: “Uh…do I really have to tell him?”

Narrator: “Yes.”

Hanzell: *sigh* “Okay. Here goes…”

Narrator: “So Hanzell explained everything he had heard their mother say.”

Hanzell: “…So I left a trail of stones so we can find our way home. And I’m sure they won’t try the same thing twice.”

Attel: “So…wait. Where are the berries again?”

Hanzell: *hits himself in the head*

Narrator: “They waited until night and then the duo followed the stones back home without any trouble.”

Hanzell: *coming inside* “Father! We’re home!”

Mother: “What!? But how–?!” *smacks father in the back of the head and whispers harshly* “This is leaving them so far they’ll never find their way back?!”

Father: “I did! I almost couldn’t find *my* way back!”

Mother: *nervous laugh*  “Oh! Children! How fortunate you found your way home! Now get to bed – tomorrow is another long berry hike!”

Attel: “Hooray!”

Hanzell: *hits self in the head* “Oh boy.”

Narrator: “The next morning arrived all too quickly for the exhausted Hanzell. And unfortunately he was all out of rocks. So instead of eating his mostly stale breakfast biscuit, he stuffed it into his pocket.”

Father: “Come along, children.”

Mother: “Don’t pay attention to any landmarks along the way!”

Narrator: “This time their father led them even farther into the woods along an even more confusing and twisting path. And this time, instead of dropping rocks to mark the trail home, Hanzell broke off crumbs from his uneaten breakfast biscuit. At long last they reached another clearing. And once again their father hugged them and told them to wait for nightfall. Only this time…”

(attel is sitting on the ground with a dopey grin on his face. while hanzell runs around frantically in all directions.)

Attel: “What color do you think these berries are? Green? Purple? Blue? Maybe green! Or purple! Or blue!”

Hanzell: “Oh no!”

Attel: “What’s wrong?”

Hanzell: “My trail of bread crumbs! It’s totally gone! How are we gonna find our way home?”

Attel: “Dad’s coming back for us, remember?”

Hanzell: “Do you listen to anything that’s not about berries?”

Attel: “I like berries!”

Hanzell: “Let’s go.”

Narrator: “So Hanzell decided to try and find his way home anyway. But after walking for several hours, both boys were hungry, tired and even more hopelessly lost.”

Attel: “Hanzell, I’m tired! And I want dinner!”

Hanzell: “Me too. But we’re not close to home yet.”

Attel: “But I–” *sniffs air* “I smell gingerbread!”

Hanzell: “Don’t be silly. There’s no–” *sniffs air* “Hey! I smell it too!”

Attel: “This way!”

Narrator: “So the boys ran in the direction of the smell. And when they found the source they could only gape in shock at the gingerbread house before them.”

Both: “Wow…”

Attel: “It’s covered in candy!”

Narrator: “As they went over for a closer look, the boys could see that the house was indeed covered in all types of candy – chocolate and gumdrops, candy canes and licorice. There were skittles and bon bons, lollipops and jelly beans! Attel grabbed a huge chunk of chocolate right off one of the shingles and started eating it.”

Attel: “This is the most delicious thing ever!!”

Hanzell: “I don’t think houses are for eating… Aw, screw it.”

Narrator: “And so he dug in too. But then…”

Witch: *looks like hojo* “Why hello there, little boys! I see you’re enjoying my house! With the lollipops and the peppermint and so on and so forth!”

Hanzell: *drops chocolate* “I’m sorry, sir, uh, ma’am! We were just, uh, we’re lost and really hungry! So we just–“

Attel: “Your house tastes like magic!”

Witch: *drumming fingers together* “Lost little boys, eh? I have plenty more food inside. Why don’t you just come in?”

Attel: *already pulling on the door* “Whoo hoo!”

Narrator: “And so the boys followed the old witch into his house without hesitation. But as soon as the door had shut, the witch locked it tight with a deadbolt and laughed an evil, horrible laugh.”

Witch: “Hehehehehehehe!!! My plan worked perfectly! I have you now!!”

Hanzell: *sweat drops* “Maybe if I had better parents they would have taught me never to go into a stranger’s candy house.”

Attel: *pulling more chocolate off the wall* “I love this place!!”

Narrator: “We’ll check in on the fat kids again later. Meanwhile, do you remember the running snack food the baker was chasing through the unsanitary meadow?”

Baker: *hunched over and out of breath* “Can’t. Run. Any. More.”

Narrator: “You don’t get to decide your own fate, pal. This is a story. Everything’s been predetermined. Now start jogging!”

Baker: *moans but starts running again*

Narrator: “Anyway, Crazy Pizza Man came to a farm and stopped for a moment to see where the lazy ass baker was. That’s when he caught the attention of a lone chicken.”

Chicken: *sounds like seifer* “Chicken?! But aren’t chickens all girls?”

Narrator: “So? Get on with your lines, will ya? I’ve got three more stories after this!”

Chicken: “Fine.” *sigh* “Oh, look! A delicious pizza man! I think I will eat him because apparently chickens like pizza.” *pause* “And I’m totally an all dude chicken.”

Narrator: “So the chicken went towards the Crazy Pizza Man, but he laughed and said:”

Crazy Pizza Man: “Run, run, run as fast as you can! You can’t catch me, I’m the Crazy Pizza Man! Hehehehe!”

Narrator: “And off he went, followed now by the chicken and the baker.”

Baker: *stumbles by out of breath* “This just isn’t worth it!”

Narrator: “The Crazy Pizza Man ran until he came to a tiny house. And he paused to see if the chicken and the baker were still following him. That’s when a small dog emerged from his tiny house.”

Dog: *a yorkie with the voice of zidane* “Why am I wearing a pink rhinestone collar?”

Narrator: “I’ve heard enough complaining already from the chicken! Now let’s go!”

Dog: “Fine.” *sigh* “Something smells delicious! And I am very hungry.” *spots crazy pizza man* “Pizza cookie! My favorite!”

Narrator: “And the dog, like the baker and chicken before him, tried to grab the Crazy Pizza Man. But he only danced away while chanting–“

Crazy Pizza Man: “Run, run, run as fast as you can! You can’t catch me, I’m the Crazy Pizza Man! Hehehehe!”

Narrator: “And off he ran, being chased by the dog, the chicken and the baker, who was really bringing up the rear.”

Baker: *running by gasping for air* “Who would chase a pizza cookie this far? And through cow poop?”

Narrator: “We’ll be back later. Meanwhile, back to the unfortunate thief Daladdin, he was trapped in the collapsed Cave of Wonders with his monkey and some flying carpet he barely knew.”

Daladdin: “This is officially the sh*ttest day of my life! First I meet a hot prince I can never be with, I get thrown in jail for no reason, an old man uses me like an action figure and now I’m trapped in here to die because my own stupid monkey can’t follow simple directions that an even stupider monkey could understand!”

Abergil: *takes out the lamp and chucks it at him angrily*

Daladdin: “Oh, big deal. You stole the stupid lamp. Good job, Aboyd. Now we’ll be able to see each other better when we’re dying.” *inspects it* “I wonder what the old freak wanted with this anyway.” *studies it* “There’s something written here…”

Narrator: “So he rubbed the lamp a few times and smoke began billowing out.”

Daladddin: “What the hell?”

Narrator: “As the smoke cleared, Daladdin was amazed to discover a genie had appeared from the lamp. Well, actually two genies. Kind of.”

Daladdin: “What the…?”

K: *looks like koudelka* “Ugh. Thank god we’re outta there. If I had to look at one more of those pornographic wood carvings–“

Y: *looks like yuri* “Those were tastefully done!”

K: “No. Those were badly done. And nobody but Pinocchio should find that junk arousing.”

Y: “Oh! Hey! We have a new master.”

K: “Great. And he already knows you’re a pervert.”

Y: “Hey there! What’s your name?”

Daladdin: “Uh…Daladdin.”

Y: “Daladdin! I like it. It sounds different, yet vaguely familiar…”

Daladdin: “What’s going on? Who are you guys? Some kind of demon?”

Y: “Only in the sack.” *wink*

K: “Gross. No. Genies. I’m K. He’s Y. And we’ve been crammed in that lamp together for the past thousand years. Needless to say, I’m glad to see you.”

Daladdin: “Genies?”

Y: “Yup! Real live genies, at your service. You get three wishes, but I’m sure you know the drill.”

Daladdin: “What?! Genies? Wishes? Am I dead?”

K: “If you were dead, do you think you’d need wishes?”

Daladdin: “So this is for real?! I can really have three wishes? And I can wish for anything I want?!”

K: “Not quite. No wishing for more wishes, no bringing people back from the dead and no making people fall in love with you.”

Y: “But ‘fall in love with’ is not the same as ‘have sex with’. Just FYI.”

Daladdin: “Oh, I see how it is. A couple of genies pop out of a lamp and give me three wishes – only they don’t have all the power you’d expect from even your average, run of the mill genie.”

Y: “What? Average genie?! We’re the best of the best, buddy! Why do you think we were sealed in a magical cave? They don’t waste that kind of sorcery on any old genie filled lamp!”

Daladdin: “Maybe you were banished because you suck.”

Y: “Argh…”

K: “Calm down.”

Daladdin: “I mean you can’t even raise people from the dead. So I bet you can’t get me out of here.”

Y: “Oh really?”

K: “Uh, don’t–“

Y: “Well watch this!”

Narrator: “And with that, Y transported Daladdin, his monkey and even the carpet out of the cave.”

Y: “How’s that for rescue? Yeah! In your face! …Master.”

Daladdin: “Wow. You sure proved me wrong. Anyway, about my three wishes…”

Y: “Three? You just used one! You’re down to two!”

Daladdin: “Really? Because I don’t remember wishing for anything. That was all you.”

Y: *stammers turning to K* “No! I…!”

K: “Yup. You sure did. Again.”

Daladdin: “He’s fallen for that one before?”

K: “You’d think he’d learn. But no. Still an idiot.”

Y: “Whatever! I was claustrophobic in that cave anyway. So what’s your first wish, wise guy?”

Daladdin: “Hmmm… I don’t know. This is a big decision. Don’t wanna rush things.”

Y: “Judging by the rags you’re wearing, I’m gonna guess you go for riches.”

Daladdin: “Is that what you’d wish for?”

K: *blink blink* “Come again?”

Daladdin: “Well, if you had three wishes, what would you want?”

Narrator: “The two genies looked at each other and answered with the same word.”

Genies: *dreamily* “Freedom.”

Daladdin: “Freedom?”

K: “Did you actually think we voluntarily chose to live in this lamp together and grant wishes to greedy morons for all eternity?”

Y: “Would you want to live in a lamp? Because I can assure you it doesn’t smell great.”

Daladdin: “Well, how can you be freed?”

K: “Our master has to wish us free.”

Y: “You can guess how often that happens.”

Narrator: “Daladdin, despite his brash attitude, unscrupulous profession and amazingly good looks, was actually a good guy.”

Daladdin: *shrugs* “I could use my last wish to set you free.”

Y: “Yeah, right.”

K: “Flattery will get you nowhere with me.”

Daladdin: “I’m serious! Who wants to be chained to some lamp? Besides, you two seem like you could use some time apart.”

Y: “So bad.”

K: “You have no idea.”

Daladdin: “So consider it a promise – I’ll use my last wish to free you.”

K: *looks at Y* “Maybe this guy isn’t just another greedy moron.”

Y: “You better not be joking!”

Daladdin: “Hey, I’m an honest guy… Mostly. Anyway, trust me, okay? Now – onto my first wish. There’s this really hot prince I wanna get with. So I want you to make me a prince.”

K: “Oh. I thought you were going to say princess.”

Y: “A prince, huh? Lots of stuff involved in that one.”

K: “You expecting some kind of grand parade down the center of the city?”

Daladdin: “That would be awesome.”

K: “I figured. Well, just say the magic phrase, and your wish is our command.”

Daladdin: “I wish to be a prince!”

Narrator: “And with those words, the genies went about using their magic to transform Daladdin into a fabulously wealthy prince. The genies put together a fantastic parade with dancers, animals, acrobats and floats the likes of which the people had never seen. Daladdin – or, I’m sorry, Prince Dali, stood atop a magnificent float and threw coins to the peasants.”

Bear: “Peasants. Disgusting.”

Narrator: “I’m sorry…are you in this story?”

Bear: “Do you think I’d be seen anywhere peasants riot over coins?”

Narrator: “Your story’s next. Wait your turn.”

Bear: “How rude! I won’t forget such boorish behavior!”

Narrator: “Whatever. Anyway, all the people in the city were greatly impressed with the foreign prince’s grand display. The Sultan’s eyeball even popped out when he was trying to get a better look. But one person remained unimpressed.”

Jamare: “Jamare wishes to marry Prince and become Sultan! Even though Jamare does not swing that way!”

Narrator: “No! I didn’t mean you! Of course you’re not impressed! You’re the villain! I meant the Prince!”

Alsmine: *arms crossed frowning* “Another pompous show off.”

Sultan: “But he’s got purple peacocks, Alsmine! And seventy-something monkeys! Monkeys, Alsmine! You know how good they taste with rice!”

Alsmine: “I don’t care how many delicious monkeys he has! Don’t even bother letting such an obvious jerk in here!”

Jamare: “Jamare agrees with Prince! Also, this new Prince probably smell like monkey since he own so many!”

Alsmine: “I hate that you’re the one who agrees with me. After you hastily executed that nice boy I met in the city.”

Narrator: “But the Sultan wasn’t listening to either of them, and he let Prince Dali stroll right through the palace gates.”

Daladdin: “It is an honor to meet you, your highness. I am Prince Dali, and I have come to court the beautiful Prince Alsmine.”

Alsmine: “I am not some prize you can just show up and claim!” *stomps off*

Daladdin: *frowns*

Sultan: “Don’t mind him! I’m not even sure who that is! Did you bring monkey spices?”

Jamare: “Jamare would like to know what kingdom you come from, Prince Dali.”

Daladdin: “Kingdom? Oh, well, I would tell you, but you’ve probably never heard of it. It’s so far away no one even bothers to visit.”

Narrator: “But this explanation did not convince the suspicious Jamare. And as this mysterious new prince walked away with the Sultan, trying to explain how the monkeys were not for snacking, Jamare turned to his ugly, ugly bird.”

Jamare: “That Prince looks oddly familiar to Jamare…”

Iagisis: “Stars.”

Narrator: “That night, after being blown off by the Prince all day, Daladdin was getting a little…well…frustrated.”

Daladdin: “What the f*ck is with that Prince?! He seemed to like me as a thief! But he hates me as royalty! That’s discrimination!”

K: “Well, you only met him for like 5 seconds before, right? Maybe he’s just an asshole.”

Daladdin: “Well I don’t give up so easy! Besides, once he sees my abs in the moonlight, he’ll be all over me. Let’s go, magic carpet and genies.”

Y: “Ooh. I like where this is going.”

Narrator: “So Daladdin floated up to the Prince’s balcony.”

Daladdin: “Alsmine! Prince Alsmine!”

Alsmine: *storms outside* “You! How dare you just climb onto my balcony!”

Daladdin: “Look, I just wanna talk. I think we got off to a bad start. I didn’t come all the way from my totally legitimate distant kingdom to just demand you marry me and show off my monkeys. I came because I heard so many great things about you, and I just had to come see if you were the one for me.”

Alsmine: “Really? You heard about me all the way in your very far away kingdom?”

Daladdin: “Uh, yeah. What are carrier pigeons for, right? You wanna take a ride on my flying carpet?”

Narrator: “Alsmine was intrigued with the idea of a flying carpet – as anybody would be, and so he let Daladdin help him aboard.”

Alsmine: “You look somewhat familiar. Are you sure we haven’t met before?”

Daladdin: “Positive. Take it away, carpet.”

Narrator: “While those two were off on their romantic adventure, Jamare was busy planning his next evil deed.”

Jamare: *is sitting in a bathtub overflowing with bubbles wearing a flowered shower cap and holding a pink back scrubber*

Narrator: “Appearances can be deceiving, people!”

Jamare: “Bad enough that lamp is lost! Now studly new Prince thinks he can just show up and steal old Prince! He is in for a wet surprise!”

Narrator: “Back to the princes, Daladdin brought the carpet to a hover right where there was a fantastic view of the palace.”

Alsmine: “I’ve never seen the city quite like that before.”

Daladdin: “And I bet you’ve never seen the palace quite like this before either.”

Alsmine: “I guess it is better than the view from your hideout.”

Daladdin: “That wasn’t me.”

Alsmine: “Now come on! He looked exactly like you! And his abs were just as amazing! I wouldn’t lie to me, if I were you. I don’t put out for liars.”

Daladdin: “Fine, fine, fine. You’re right. It was me! I wanted to see your city as a commoner before my grand parade made me a pin-up superstar.”

Alsmine: “But you were arrested! And Jamare said you were executed!”

Daladdin: “A simple misunderstanding. And Jamare’s an ass. Now…” *leans forward* “How’s this view?”

Narrator: “After the poor magic carpet was exposed to god knows what, Daladdin returned Prince Alsmine home. And he was feeling pretty good.”

Daladdin: “I am awesome.”

Narrator: “But on his way back to his room, he was suddenly ambushed by several large men, handcuffed and stuffed in a sack. The men tied heavy chains to him and threw him into the river. Weighed down by the chains, Daladdin could not swim at all. With some clever maneuvering he managed to take hold of the lamp and give it a rub.”

Y: “I love a good rub.”

K: “Gross.”

Y: Sh*t! We’re underwater! He’s drowning!”

K: “Our freedom’s drowning!”

Y: “Quick! Daladdin! Do you wish for us to save your ass?”

Daladdin: *kind of nods*

Y: “Good enough!”

Narrator: “So the genies picked up Daladdin and flew him out of the death river. But they weren’t counting on a certain figure watching it all.”

Jamare: *gasp* “Genies! The lamp! That’s no prince! That is the thief!” *eyes narrow* “Jamare will put an end to this – and recover lamp at last!”

Narrator: “That doesn’t sound good for him. But for now, let’s head back over to the two lovely girls and their not quite so lovely anymore mother.”

Mother: “Hey. You wouldn’t look so hot after three kids and 12 STD’s either.”

Sun Shine: “Three?”

Mother: “Uh…there was never any unpleasant business involving a beanstalk, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

Narrator: “…Anyway, a month of spring passed by. And while the weather warmed and the trees displayed bright new leaves, there was no sign of that freeloading bear.”

Mother: “I told you!”

Rose Trini: “He *will* come back, mother! You’ll see!”

Mother: “Yeah, right. Him and that leprechaun both – no good.”

Sun Shine: “What leprechaun does she keep talking about?”

Narrator: “One fine spring day, the girls headed into the forest as usual to pick the delicious non-poisonous berries. Then suddenly they stumbled across a strange creature.”

Sun Shine: *gasp* “Sister, look! What is that?”

Rose Trini: “It’s a…cat…thing.”

Sun Shine: “It looks like a….” *pause* “I don’t even know.”

Creature: *looks like cait sith* “Why dontcha take a picture! It lasts longer!”

Narrator: “The girls quickly realized the creature had its foot caught in some tree roots.”

Sun Shine: “You poor thing! How did it happen?”

Creature: “None of your business! Now instead of just standing around, why don’t you make yourselves useful for once and get me the hell outta here!”

Narrator: “The girls did not really care for how rude this creature was, but they were too kind not to lend a hand. So with a little pushing and prying, they freed the creature’s foot.”

Sun Shine: “There you are.”

Creature: “Guess even ugly girls are good for something!”

Narrator: “And with a horrible cackle, the creature emitted a foul smelling odor and disappeared.”

Rose Trini: *coughing* “Ugh! Gross! So much for a thank you!”

Sun Shine: “What a rude…whatever that was. I won’t be so kind if we meet again.”

Narrator: “Would they? And what of the Bear? We’ll finish their story later. For now we return to the warlock and the baby he got by bartering carrots.”

Warlock: “I still say she got the better end of the deal.”

Narrator: “So what did the Warlock do with the baby? Why he put him in a high tower with no stairs or enchanted elevator. And he never even let him see a pair of scissors. And eighteen years later, that baby grew into a young man with ridiculously long hair.”

Sephpunzel: *hanging out the window* “This sucks. I’m so bored! He won’t even get me one of those magic mirrors. I hear they’re incredibly catty, but that’s better than nothing! Or watching birds poop on your window sill! That’s a health hazard!”

Narrator: “Sephpunzel, as you can see, had plenty of complaints about secluded tower life. The only person who ever visited was the Warlock. But just how did the Warlock get up the tower, you may be wondering.”

Sephpunzel: “He climbs my damn hair! Everybody knows that! And he weighs a ton! Instead of entering his vegetables in contests, he should eat one once and awhile!”

Narrator: “Poor Sephpunzel was not very happy. And he often spent his time gazing out the lone tower window into the outside world he longed to see.”

Sephpunzel: “Scissors. Someday I’ll get my hands on some. One wonderful day.”

Narrator: “This particular afternoon, a prince was riding by, out exploring a new section of forest.”

Prince: *looks like vincent* “Hm. There are squirrels here too. Interesting.”

Narrator: “Suddenly, the Prince’s thoughts were interrupted by the most beautiful voice he’d ever heard.”

Sephpunzel’s voice: “Get off the window sill, you damn birds!”

Prince: “Who in the world could have such a loud, powerful voice?”

Narrator: “Riding in the direction of the noise, the Prince found the tower. And, at the top, Sephpunzel.”

Sephpunzel: *shooing away birds with a brush violently*

Prince: *dreamy sigh* “He’s perfect…”

Narrator: “But the prince couldn’t stare at this beautiful, bird hating creature for long, as he heard someone approaching. Ducking into the brushes, he saw the warlock emerge and approach the tower.”

Warlock: “Sephpunzel, Sephpunzel, let down your hair.”

Narrator: “And with a tired sigh, Sephpunzel lowered down his super long hair so the warlock could climb up.”

Sephpunzel’s voice: “Ow! You fat son of bitch! My scalp is bleeding!”

Prince: “Fascinating. That strange old man uses his hair as a ladder! If he allows me to climb up, I can bring some rope and help him escape!”

Narrator: “And so the prince rode back to the castle, intent on finding some rope and returning the next day. We’ll catch up with his heroic intentions later. For now, let’s start wrapping these stories up. First, if you’ll recall, the story of Hanzell and Attel, children now imprisoned by a horrible old witch in his alluring candy house. The witch treated Attel like a slave, forcing him to clean, cook and do other unpleasant chores. Poor Hanzell, however, was locked in a cage and served large amounts of fattening food. Which he ate. And thought nothing of it. But after a few weeks of this…”

Attel: “Hey, bro! Guess what? I overheard that witch talking about this awesome feast we’re gonna have tonight!”

Hanzell: “Sweet! What is it?”

Attel: “Hamzell!”

Hanzell: “*Ham*zell?”

Attel: “Yup! Delicious, plump Hamzell!”

Hanzell: *frowns* “But that sounds like my name!”

Attel: *laughs* “You’re not ham! That’s made of…um…something. You know. One of those things, that…uh…with the legs.”

Hanzell: *gasp* “You’re not eating ham! You’re eating me! I’m the delicious, plump feast!”

Attel: “No! If we were eating you, why would she/he ask me to make sure you bathe in this gravy?”

Hanzell: “……….”

Attel: “…………”

Hanzell: “…Really?”

Attel: “…I wanna bathe in gravy…”

Hanzell: “You have to save me, Attel!”

Attel: “Oh, and the witch said to put this apple in your mouth.”

Hanzell: “Oh, I am dead.”

Narrator: “Soon the witch came by and started the process of heating up the gigantic child cooking oven. Once it seemed hot enough, the witch beckoned Attel over.”

Witch: “Check the oven and make sure it’s hot enough to cook a child evenly!”

Narrator: “Attel, who, as we well know, was more than a few crayons short of a box, went over to the oven. And stared at it in confusion.”

Attel: “What did you want me to do?”

Witch: “Check and see if the oven is firey!”

Attel: “I’m fired? But I ate all those popsicles like you asked! And they were all salty!”

Witch: “Sea salt sweets sounded like a good investment! And you’re not fired, you idiot! Ugh! Never mind. I’ll do it myself!”

Narrator: “So the witch went over to the oven and stuck his/her head inside.”

Witch: “See! This is how you check an oven!”

Attel: “What?”

Narrator: “But the witch’s voice was a bit muffled with the flames so close, and Attel didn’t hear what the witch *actually* said.”

Witch: “I said, this is how you check this oven!”

Attel: “Oh!”

Narrator: “And just like that, Attel shoved the evil witch into the oven and slammed the door shut. The horrible witch was instantly burned to death in his/her own child feast fire.”

Hanzell: “Attel! You saved me! You killed the witch!”

Attel: *shrugs* “He/she told me to shove her in.”

Hanzell: “Uh…sure. Okay. Now let me out of here and we can go home!” *frowns* “Oh. Right. We don’t know the way home. That’s how we got here in the first place.”

Attel: “Home? Why don’t we just stay in this candy house? It’s made of food!”

Hanzell: “Attel, I’m pretty sure that’s the smartest thing you’ve ever said.”

Narrator: “And they lived happily ever after. I guess. Anyway, remember the Crazy Pizza Man who was being chased by a whole collection of crazy characters that wanted to eat him or exploit him for profit? Well he soon came to a river. And he was kind of stuck. Because he knew he couldn’t cross without getting all soggy and falling apart. Nervously, the Crazy Pizza Man glanced back to see where the dog, chicken and baker were, but they were all slow as hell and he thankfully had some time.”

Baker: *gasp choke* “I could have made a new one by now!”

Narrator: “The Crazy Pizza Man was wondering what to do, when he was approached by a fox.”

Fox: “I can take you across the river! Gya haa haa!”

Narrator: “Yeah. Everybody can see where this is going. But the Crazy Pizza Man, having no other options, climbed onto the fox’s back. As the fox proceeded into the water and began to cross, the water level rose, and started to cover the fox’s back.”

Fox: “Climb on my head! Gya haa haa!”

Narrator: “So the Crazy Pizza Man did. But then the water level rose again, so only the fox’s nose would be above the dangerous, pizza ruining water.”

Fox: “Get on my nose! Gya haa haa!”

Narrator: “So the Crazy Pizza Man did. And not a second later, the fox tossed him into the air, caught him in his mouth and swallowed him in one gulp.”

Fox: “Gya haa haa! Winner!”

Baker: *has just reached the shore* “Dammit! All that for nothing!” *gasp* “And I think I left my oven on!” *starts running back*

Chicken: “You get to be a dog! That’s not fair!”

Dog: “Ha ha. Chicken wuss.”

Chicken: “Hey!”

Narrator: “Uh, the end. And the fox was full. For like 5 minutes. Then he ate some blackbirds baked in a pie, or something else ridiculous. Anyway, let’s keep this book rolling. Remember the two girls who were constantly roaming the woods while their mother was ‘entertaining’?”

Rose Trini: “She should at least not try saying she’s playing the piano for him. We don’t even own one!”

Narrator: “Well, they were out in the woods again, killing time until the hour was up.”

Rose Trini: “I’m not picking another damn berry.”

Sun Shine: “Me neither. Let’s just sit down and talk about how sexist fairy tales are.”

Rose Trini: “Hey, if I had the opportunity to marry a hot, rich prince, I’d snap that right up!”

Sun Shine: “You’re part of the problem!”

Narrator: “But on their way to find some comfortable stumps to sit on, the sisters ran across their old pal the bear – and he was facing off against that awful, nasty unidentifiable creature that had insulted them despite the fact that they saved his worthless ass.”

Rose Trini: “Yeah! Damn right!”

Sun Shine: “What’s going on here?!”

Bear: “This is the end for you.”

Creature: “No! Leave me alone! Eat those girls! Much more satisfying meal! Plus, the world needs less ugly chicks.”

Bear: “How dare you speak to these girls in that manner! You are a vile, terrible monster that the world would be better off without!”

Narrator: “And with that, the bear struck the creature with one of his mighty paws, killing him instantly.”

Sun Shine: “Oh my god! He killed that thing!”

Rose Trini: “My hero!”

Narrator: “Since that uneventful death of that horrible creature would make for a pretty boring conclusion, the bear then suddenly transformed into a handsome prince, expensive designer clothes and all.”

Sun Shine: “Wha-what’s going on?”

Rose Trini: “I thought mom promised those berries didn’t cause hallucinations!”

Bear: “I apologize for startling you, but that creature put a spell on me while I was riding through the forest seeking fair maidens. I was doomed to remain a bear for as long as it remained alive. Now that I have slain it’s wickedness, I have returned to my true form.”

Sun Shine: “I’m staying out of these woods forever.”

Rose Trini: “You gonna return to the castle now that you’re back to your old, hot, rich self?”

Bear: “Indeed. But the fairy tale world would view me poorly if I did not return with a bride–“

Rose Trini: “Ooh!! Me!!! I’ll do it!!”

Sun Shine: “Are you serious? You barely know this guy! He was a bear five seconds ago!”

Rose Trini: “Did I not tell you a minute ago that I would totally jump on this opportunity?”

Bear: “Do not fear, fair sister. You may marry my equally handsome and rich brother.” *holds up a pic of a guy who looks exactly like him*

Sun Shine: *hits herself in the head* “Oh boy.”

Narrator: “And they all lived happily ever after.”

Sun Shine: “Did we? Did we really?”

Narrator: “Sure. Sounds better than who the hell knows what happened to them or cares.”

Sun Shine: “So you want all the little girls to believe that I’d marry this guy I’ve never even met?”

Narrator: “Your mom seems pretty happy about it.”

Mother: “I’m going to get some top notch medical care! And some badly needed leeches!”

Sun Shine: *sigh* “I don’t believe this.”

Narrator: “Leaving those happy couples behind–“

Sun Shine: “Allegedly happy.”

Narrator: “We next return to finish the story of the lamp, the genies and the guy who dared to rub them out.”

Daladdin: “That makes me sound like some kind of weirdo perv.”

Y: “Maybe you and I could hang out sometime.”

Daladdin: “Oh god.”

Narrator: “Anyway, after a night of scoring with a hot Prince and almost drowning to death, Daladdin was pretty tired. When he finally awoke he found the two genies hovering beside him.”

Daladdin: “What’s up, guys? Thanks for the life saving last night. That was pretty awesome.”

Y: “That’s two!”

Daladdin: “Huh?”

K: “What my dumb counterpart is trying to say, is that you’ve used two wishes. Only one left. Time to come through on your promise.”

Y: “Do ya wanna know what I’m gonna do as soon as I’m free?”

K: “I never wanna know, or hear about it.”

Y: “So come on, dude! Make with the wish! This is one I’m actually excited to grant!”

K: *smiles* “Me too.”

Narrator: “But it was a promise Daladdin was not too eager to fulfill.”

Daladdin: “Uh…look, guys. I can’t. Not right now.”

Y: “What do you mean?!”

Daladdin: “I mean, I just got in good with Alsmine! What if I need that last wish to impress him again? Or what if some jerk tries to have me killed again and I need it to save my own ass? I’m sorry. But I’m not ready to give up my last wish.”

Y: “But you promised!”

Daladdin: “Look, I’m not saying never–“

K: “But you just told us you might need your third wish! And if you use it, where does that leave us?”

Daladdin: “Couldn’t I just give the lamp to Alsmine or something and have him do it?”

Y: “I should have known you were a greedy jerk like everyone else! People are all the same!”

K: “…I can’t believe I believed you.”

Daladdin: “Guys, wait!”

Narrator: “But the genies retreated into their lamp and refused to listen to any more explanations.”

Daladdin: “Fine! Be that way! I’m still your master whether you like it or not!”

Narrator: “And he then stormed off, leaving Aboyd and the carpet alone with the lamp. Little did he know, Jamare’s hideously unnatural bird was watching in the window…watching…and waiting.”

Iagisis: “Stars.”

Narrator: “Daladdin went and knocked on Alsmine’s door.”

Alsmine: “Oh. Good morning, Dali. Sleep well?”

Daladdin: “Yeah, great, considering someone tried to make me swim with the fishes. Think there’s anyone around here who might want me dead?”

Alsmine: “What? I can’t think of anyone–“

Narrator: “A sudden knock at the door interrupted their conversation. When Alsmine opened it he found his father there with Jamare. But his father looked even stranger than usual.”

Alsmine: “Oh. Good morning, dad.”

Sultan: *robotically* “Alsmine, I have decided who you will marry.”

Alsmine: “I hope it’s Dali, because that’s who I’ve picked.”

Daladdin: *victorious gesture* “Yes!”

Sultan: *robotically* “You will marry Jamare.”

Alsmine: “What? Dad, is something wrong? Your tone doesn’t sound right. And you’ve been using everyone’s correct name.”

Jamare: “You heard puny father! You must marry me!”

Daladdin: “Wait a minute…”

Narrator: “And Daladdin suddenly snatched Jamare’s creepy staff with the glowing eyes right out of his creepy inhuman hand.”

Jamare: “Jamare resents being repeatedly called creepy!”

Narrator: “You really should be more concerned about Daladdin.”

Jamare: “Of course!” *clears throat* “My staff! What are you doing?”

Narrator: “But Daladdin simply slammed the staff on the floor, breaking the spell and ruining all of it’s value on the resale market.”

Daladdin: “Jamare has been controlling you, Sultan! And I’m just gonna have to assume he’s the one who tried to kill me!”

Sultan: “…What?”

Alsmine: “Argh! Dad, Jamare is evil! You have to get rid of him!”

Sultan: “But he prepares the best bubble baths, Alsmine! Not just anybody can pour the powder in the water! You need a license!”

Alsmine: “Argh!”

Narrator: “Before Alsmine could once again attempt to talk sense into his father, Aboyd and the carpet appeared outside on the balcony making frantic gestures.”

Daladdin: *rolls eyes* “I don’t care if you stepped on your tail again, Aboyd. Deal with it.”

Narrator: “But he underestimated his companion’s intentions. And he next watched in horror as Jamare’s ugly as hell bird flew into the room, the lamp gripped in it’s talons.”

Jamare: “Stop talking badly about Jamare’s things!”

Daladdin: *gasp* “The lamp!”

Jamare: “Hahaha! It seems the tables have turned in Jamare’s favor at last!”

Narrator: “Before Daladdin could do anything, the lamp was in Jamare’s hands and he was the new master.”

Daladdin: “You son of a bitch!”

Jamare: “Let us see who the real royalty is now! Hahahaha!”

Narrator: “Jamare rubbed the lamp, and the two genies emerged looking rather cranky.”

Y: “Screw you, Daladdin! You know, if I had wishes, I’d wish–” *sees jamare* “…You’re not him.”

Jamare: “Jamare is now in charge! And I wish to be made Sultan!”

Narrator: “I’m no expert on magic lamps, but apparently the effects aren’t permanent until you finish your contract with it. Since Daladdin was still one wish short, as soon as Jamare made his wish, he transformed back into plain old thief Daladdin once more.”

Alsmine: “Dali? What is this?! What’s going on?!”

Daladdin: “Look, baby, now’s not really the time for long explanations.”

Jamare: “Now that Jamare is Sultan, can demand you all be imprisoned!” *nothing happens and he looks pissed* “Why nothing happen?!”

K: “Because you’re just a Sultan. You need guards to arrest people. Your words alone won’t do it.”

Daladdin: “K! Y! Don’t do this!”

Y: “Sorry, jerk face. Gotta serve our master, even if he’s a scary, evil maniac. Part of being a genie.”

K: “Too bad a certain moron didn’t free us when he had the chance.”

Jamare: “Jamare wants to be more than Sultan! Jamare wishes to be all powerful sorcerer!”

Daladdin: “Sh*t! I should have freed them! Now look what I’ve done!”

Narrator: “But instead Daladdin could only stand idly by as Jamare was transformed into an all mighty sorcerer. He immediately used his new powers to imprison the Sultan in a cage and tie Alsmine to the wall.”

Sultan: *chuckles* “I like being in the zoo! I hope my delicious tasting monkey roommate comes back soon!”

Alsmine: “Dali! Help!”

Jamare: “It is just you and Jamare now, worthless thief!”

Daladdin: “So, you’re a sorcerer. Big deal.”

Jamare: “Is a big deal! Jamare can do anything now!”

Daladdin: “Really? Because I thought the only entity with limitless power was a genie. Not some showy, over blown sorcerer. The genies have more power then you’ll ever have.”

K: “Uh, what the hell are you doing?”

Jamare: “Stupid thief has good point! Genies! Jamare will now use last wish! Jamare wishes to become a genie!”

K: *rolls eyes* “Great. Really want to see you at the convention.”

Narrator: “And so it was done, and the genies transformed Jamare into one of their own. And he was very happy.”

Jamare: “Hahaha! Unlimited power is mine!”

Daladdin: “Hey! Jamare! I forgot to mention one tiny little thing!”

Jamare: “Huh?”

Daladdin: *holds up lamp* “Hope you’re not claustrophobic.”

Narrator: “And Jamare could only scream in unholy terror as he was sucked into his new prison.”

Daladdin: *grins* “Who’s a worthless thief now, bitch?”

Narrator: “And everything then magically returned to normal because that’s how these things work. Alsmine approached Daladdin looking quite upset.”

Alsmine: “Explain what the hell just happened.”

Daladdin: “Look, when you saw me in the market that day… That was the real me. I’m no prince. When I found this lamp, I used one of my wishes to turn into a prince because I wanted to be with you.” *shrugs* “But I’m nothing more than your average totally awesome, smokin’ hot thief.”

K: “And now he’s gonna use his last wish to turn back into a prince.”

Y: “I hope he’s not expecting a damn parade this time.”

Narrator: “And Daladdin picked up the lamp, as the two genies braced for the final wish.”

Daladdin: “I wish…to set you free, genies.”

K: “You son of a–wait…did you just…why?”

Daladdin: “Because I made a promise. And I’m a man of my word.”

Y: *zooming around* “Whoo hoo! We’re free! No more masters! No more hearing wishes for bigger penises! No more subscription to Lamp Living Monthly! You’re the best, man!” *hugs him*

K: “Thank you, Daladdin.”

Daladdin: “It was the least I could do.” *sigh* “Well, I guess I’ll be getting back to my hovel in the slums…”

Alsmine: “Wait.”

Daladdin: *grins* “…Yes?”

Alsmine: “Look. You lied to me. You pretended to be someone you weren’t. …But you also saved our lives. And you chose to help those genies over being with me.”

Daladdin: “I was also kinda hoping this would happen.”

Alsmine: *smiles* “I must admit. I like you. Let’s see where this goes.”

Daladdin: “Sounds good.”

Sultan: *wandering over* “I’m even more confused than usual, Alsmine. Where’s the umbrella I was just partying with? he said he’d be right back with my drink! How long does it take to get a drumstick of candle wax?”

Alsmine: “…Welcome to the family.”

Narrator: “At last we return to the loud mouthed Sephpunzel, who was imprisoned at the top of tall tower by a Warlock. The only way to get up to his chamber was via climbing his ridiculously long hair. And a passing prince was determined to meet the object of his affections. One evening, he rode up to the tower, a rope in hand. He stood at the base of the building and shouted:”

Prince: “Sephpunzel, Sephpunzel, let down your hair!”

Sephpunzel: *peeks out the window looking confused* “You’re not the fat ass warlock!”

Prince: “How did you know?”

Sephpunzel: You think I’m some kind of idiot who can’t tell voices apart? I’ve got beauty and brains, buddy.”

Prince: “My darling! I am enchanted by you! May I come up?”

Sephpunzel: “You really think it’s a smart idea for me to let some stranger up into my tower which has limited space and no means of escape?”

Prince: “You are not as easy to woo as the guide suggested.” *frowns down at the copy of ‘the pocket guide to courting a lonely, woods dwelling beauty’ he’s holding*

Sephpunzel: *sigh* “All right. I could take you anyway if I had to. There’s nothing else to do up here but play around with my incredibly heavy wooden sword.”

Narrator: “So the hair was let down and the Prince climbed on up.”

Prince: “Face to face at last! You’re even more beautiful up close!”

Sephpunzel: “Thanks. Now what do you want?”

Prince: “You! I want to take you out of this tower and back to my palace!”

Sephpunzel: “Out of the tower? Really?”

Prince: “I brought rope so you can escape!”

Sephpunzel: “Rope? No. Have you ever heard of scissors?”

Prince: “Scissors? Of course!”

Sephpunzel: *excitedly* “Can you bring me some?”

Prince: “Certainly, but–“

Sephpunzel: “I can’t leave here with hair like this! Do you know how heavy this is? I’m surprised my neck hasn’t snapped like a twig! I can’t function in society like this! Go get some scissors and we can hold hands, or whatever you’re expecting from me.”

Prince: “Oh dear… You’re more sheltered than I assumed.”

Sephpunzel: “You going or not?”

Prince: “I am! And I will return post haste!”

Narrator: “And so the Prince tore outta there, heading back to the palace for scissors. In the meantime, the warlock showed up.”

Warlock: *sniffs air with frown* “It smells of chivalry and valor in here. Did you have a visitor?”

Sephpunzel: “No.”

Warlock: “Then I suppose those horse tracks outside don’t mean anything.”

Sephpunzel: “I can’t control horses, if that’s what your old, confused brain is implying!”

Warlock: “Then I suppose you’ve never seen *this* before?” *holds up the pocket guide book the prince had*

Sephpunzel: “Uh…horses read, right?”

Warlock: “There was a prince up here! Are you planning to run away?”

Sephpunzel: “No! I absolutely love living alone in a tiny room in a secluded tower with only constantly pooping birds for company!”

Warlock: “You ungrateful brat! How dare you betray me!”

Sephpunzel: “You’re shocked about this? Really? Have you been listening at all to my constant complaints? Besides, what purpose am I serving for you? I’d love to hear that sick explanation!”

Warlock: “You wish to go? Fine! Go then!”

Narrator: “And so the Warlock chopped off all his beautiful hair so that it now barely reached his shoulders.”

Sephpunzel: “No! I was thinking waist length!!”

Narrator: “And then he banished him deep into the woods.”

Sephpunzel: “It’s possible to go deeper? How deep are these damn woods?”

Narrator: “When the Prince returned later that evening, the scissors clutched in his eager hand, he called for Sephpunzel to let her hair down. And down the hair tumbled from the tower. But when the Prince climbed up…”

Prince: *climbing into window* “Ugh. Is this sill the only place in the entire forest where the birds poop?” *brushes himself off* “My angel, I brought–” *sees warlock* “Oh dear.”

Warlock: “How dare you try to take my precious Sephpunzel away from me, you monster!”

Prince: “You dare call me a monster? You are the one who imprisoned him in this ridiculous tower!”

Narrator: “The Warlock, in a fit of rage, shoved the Prince from the tower window. His unluckily landed in the one thorny bush where he was blinded by the thorns.”

Prince: *weakly* “At least I didn’t land on the scissors.”

Narrator: “The blind Prince then roamed the woods for many months, surviving on whatever he could find. Which is pretty badass if you think about it. But he was very depressed about losing his beloved Sephpunzel.”

Prince: *sad sigh* “You would also assume the kingdom would send a search party for their only Prince.”

Narrator: “One day, the Prince was stumbling along when he heard a familiar voice.”

??????????: “Damn birds! Those are my hallucinogenic berries! Get the hell outta here!”

Prince: *gasp* “Sephpunzel?”

Sephpunzel: “Random prince?”

Narrator: “And so the Prince stumbled over, falling into Sephpunzel’s arms.”

Sephpunzel: “What the hell happened to your eyes?”

Prince: “The Warlock…ambushed me when I returned with the scissors for you. He pushed me out the window, and thorns blinded me.”

Sephpunzel: “You’re blind?” *eyes well up with tears* “So you can’t see my amazing good looks anymore?”

Narrator: “As Sephpunzel cried his vain tears, they fell into the injured eyes of the Prince, healing them and restoring his vision.”

Prince: “My sight! It’s returned!”

Sephpunzel: “What?! How?”

Prince: “Your tears of love! They cured me!”

Sephpunzel: “Those weren’t tears of love. I barely know you.” *thoughtfully* “Maybe I’m magical…”

Prince: “Now that I can see, I can find my way back to the palace!” *frown* “And show them what happens when you don’t send a search party. Will you come with me, Sephpunzel?”

Sephpunzel: “No, I want to stay out here in the wilderness with this awful haircut, eating marginally poisonous berries with my best friends the birds – of course I will!”

Narrator: “And they lived happily ever after…we hope.”

(and we now return to the ramble room, where, as usual, everyone who has been involved in the stories is passed out on the floor. sephiroth wakes up looking woozy. he puts a hand to his head and looks around. he sees auron lying there, and he kind of smiles.)

Sephiroth: “…Even the book knows you’re a douchebag.”

THE END