G #7 – Mr. Dude

Reno: “The bear is supposed to be naked! It’s a wild animal!”

 Originally Published: 4/4/09 . 7 pages

 
Mr. Dude is an actual bear I own, just like Mr. Jingles is. But unlike with Mr. Jingles, I received Mr. Dude as a gift before I came up with the story and added him to the rambles. On another note, this one had tons of errors in it. Seriously it was almost unreadable at times. Did I proof this at all? 

(Irvine and reno are dragging an overflowing trashcan out to the curb. on top of the pile is a small, white stuffed bear in a white t-shirt.)

Reno: “You know how many full beer bottles I found while I was cleaning my room? Zero!”

Irvine: “Those were probably the only things you *could* find in there.”

(rufus walks over, pushing mr. Thaddeus j. jingles in his stroller.)

Rufus: “I can’t believe so much garbage comes out of the ramble complex in one week!”

Reno: “This is just from my room.”

Rufus: “Ugh! When was the last time you cleaned it?”

Reno: “Uh… When did we have that baseball game against the Gundam Wing guys?”

Rufus: “Gross.” *suddenly he gasps and grabs the stuffed bear* “What do you think you’re doing?! You were going to throw this helpless bear away?!”

Irvine: “Where’d you even get a stuffed bear?”

Reno: *shrugs* “Probably some chick.”

Rufus: “Clearly you are not responsible enough to care for this bear.”

Reno: “Take him if you want, Rufus. You gonna add a seat for him in your stroller? Don’t you have real kids now?”

Rufus: “They are with their mother on a trip, and don’t think you can get away with changing the subject!” *pause* “Now what’s his name?”

Reno: “I don’t know.”

Rufus: “He has to have a name!”

Reno: “I don’t know! Uh…. Dude. His name’s Dude.”

Rufus: “Mr. Dude?”

Reno: “Yeah, whatever.”

Rufus: “What’s his first name?”

Reno: “Does it really matter, Rufus?”

Rufus: “Of course it does! He can’t get a official Teddy Bear Club I.D. card without one!”

Reno: *huge sigh* “Fine. Uh…………………………Derrick.”

Rufus: Any middle initial?”

Reno: “….No.”

Rufus: “Well, it’s not the most professional sounding name, but we can’t all be Thaddeus J.!” *chuckles* “Well, we better get going. Mr. Jingles’ new friend is going to need expensive accessories!”

(he leaves. Reno and Irvine watch him go.)

Irvine: “Dude, why did it take you so long to come up with the name?”

Reno: “Rufus is gonna tell people where he got the bear from. And I don’t want anything lame associated with me.”

Irvine: “….You wanna stuffed bear associated with you at all?”

Reno: “……..Let’s get a drink.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

(2 days later, Irvine and reno are dragging another full trash can to the curb.)

Irvine: “At least we found some full beer bottles in my closet.”

Reno: “You shouldn’t brag about that.”

(rufus comes by, pushing mr. jingles and mr. dude in the stroller. Mr. dude’s shirt now has mr. dude painted on it.)

Rufus: “More garbage?!”

Reno: “It was Irvine this time!”

Irvine: “Just my closet!”

Rufus: “Any more bears?”

Irvine: “No.”

Rufus: “That’s fine. One companion is enough for Mr. Jingles. Especially one this…adventurous.”

Irvine and Reno: *blink blink*

Rufus: “You like his shirt? It was custom made.”

Reno: “…If you have money you don’t want anymore, you *know* Rude will take it.”

Rufus: “I don’t care about Rude! Mr. Dude is seen with Mr. Jingles. He has to look good.”

Reno: “Rude’s seen with me. He should look good.”

Rufus: “Why do I bother talking to someone who taught his pet bear that it’s okay to not only sleep naked, but walk around the house that way!”

(he stomps off. Irvine and reno stand there looking puzzled.)

Irvine: “What’s wrong with sleeping naked? There are way better things to spend your money on then pajamas!”

Reno: “The bear is supposed to be naked! It’s a wild animal!”

Both: “…………”

Irvine: “Why are we discussing the bear like it’s alive?”

Reno: “Blame Rufus. Apparently he sees the thing walking around his house.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………..

(later, it seems to be poker night in the ramble room. Reno, Irvine, setzer, zidane, squall, sephiroth and zell sit around playing. Rude is the dealer.)

Zell: “I keep getting crappy cards!”

Zidane: “Can we just strip in place of betting money?”

Sephiroth: “For the third time no!”

(then rufus rushes in looking upset.)

Rufus: “Mr. Jingles just cursed at me!”

Sephiroth: “It took him this long?”

Rufus: *points at reno* “He said he learned it from *your* bear!”

(everyone looks at reno, who looks embarrassed.)

Reno: “Uh…”

Zell: “You have a bear?”

Reno: “I was throwing it out before Rufus swiped it!”

Rufus: “That’s probably why he has such issues! That, and you’re obviously a bad influence! And now he’s passing that on to my innocent Mr. Jingles!”

Zell: “What did he say?”

Rufus: “He called me a whiney bitch!”

Sephiroth: “Can’t argue with that.”

Reno: “Rufus, I’m in the middle of a game here. Besides, Mr. Dude is your problem now.”

Rufus: *raises eyebrow* “Mr. Dude?”

Reno: “Shut up! He made me name it. Irvine’s my witness.”

Irvine: “His first name is Derrick.”

Reno: “Shut up!”

Rufus: “That bear is trouble! I should have known better than to think anything coming from you would be innocent!”

Zidane: “I bet that bear has seen alotta kinky stuff.”

Reno: “Don’t encourage him!”

Rufus: “I better get back there before Mr. Dude teaches Mr. Jingles to do a keg-stand or something.”

(he leaves. Everyone looks at reno.)

Reno: “What? Rufus is the deranged one! I was throwing the bear away!”

Zell: “How could you throw a poor, defenseless bear away?”

Reno: *hits himself in the forehead*

…………………………………………………………………………………………………..

(the next week, reno is working at the crowded bar when rufus bursts in and stomps over to him.)

Rufus: “RENO!”

Reno: “It was Rude!” *pause* “Unless it wasn’t at work. Then it was Irvine.”

Rufus: “Guess what that delinquent Mr. Dude did now?”

Reno: “Rufus! Not at my bar!”

Trini: *comes over* “What’s the problem?”

Rufus: “Your brother’s bear! That’s the problem!”

Trini: *blinks and looks at reno* “I don’t remember getting drunk or high…”

Reno: “Rufus, can I speak to you? Privately?”

(they leave. Irvine comes over to trini.)

Irvine: “What’s wrong?”

Trini: “Reno has a bear? Like a pet?”

Irvine: *sigh* “Was Rufus here?”

Trini: “Yeah.”

Irvine: “Don’t worry. You’re not drunk or high.”

Trini: *relieved* “That’s good. I gotta pay attention more, otherwise anyone could take advantage of me.”

Irvine: “Wanna have sex?”

Trini: *shrugs* “Sure.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile, reno has taken rufus into the messy office of the bar.)

Reno: “Okay, Rufus, that’s it. I don’t wanna hear about Mr. Dude anymore. It’s been all week with this! Mr. Dude tried to pick up slutty bears at the toy store, Mr. Dude found bear porn on the Discovery channel, Mr. Dude tried to smoke parsley like a marijuana cigarette! That’s it! I don’t care! He’s just some toy from my closet! Not some reincarnation of me in bear form! You can’t come bother me at work!”

Rufus: “You bother *me* at work all the time – when *you’re* supposed to be working! Just yesterday you were harassing me about putting a hot tub in the employee lounge!”

Reno: “I still think that’s a great idea – but I’m not the one on trial here!”

Rufus: “Well you won’t here to worry about Mr. Dude anymore – not after what he did this morning!”

Reno: “You finally dumped him?”

Rufus: “No! I don’t know about you, but in the Shinra house we do not abandon family! That’s why after he tried to convince Mr. Jingles to shave all his fur and get a tattoo I sent him away for awhile – to get the help he needs.”

Reno: “Thank god. Now you won’t have to harass me at my bar about a stuffed animal ever again.”

Rufus: “I don’t think so. I think he’ll come out back a better bear.”

Reno: “Whatever. I don’t know about you, but I need a drink. The kind I keep in the back room for myself.”

(they go into the hallway and reno opens up a closet, promptly crying in disgust, as does rufus.)

Reno: “Irvine! Dude! Come on! Not on the good stuff!”

Irvine: “Sorry, dude.”

……………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, at koudelkas, shes at the front desk when halley walks over, hugging mr. dude.)

Halley: “Mommy? Where’d this bear come from?”

Koudelka: “He’s going to be staying with us for the next month so he can get some counseling.”

Halley: “Stuffed animals can’t get counseling.”

Koudelka: “Honey, as long as there’s someone out there willing to pay for it, anything’s possible.”

THE END

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