G #6 – Great Moments In History – Vol. 1

Herb: “Well, it seems the Global Vampire Recruiting Coalition has decided misleading people is the best way to go. That’s why they made this movie.”

Originally Published: 3/20/09 . 13 pages

This one was fun to write, because I always like to think about the back story of characters. It was even more fun with the vampires because I had so much history to play with. The end with Uncle Herb and Twilight is my favorite scene.


-Great Moments In Belmont History-

+ Trevor Belmont +

(Trevor, those two other people and alucard stand outside draculas chambers)

Trevor: “At last! Your time ends now, Dracula!”

Alucard: “Well, it was great meeting you guys, but I gotta run.”

Trevor: “You betray us now, vampire?”

Alucard: “You don’t need me! You’ve got that whip you’ve been threatening me with constantly.”

Trevor: *cracks whip*

Alucard: *jumps* “Uh, so anyway, I’d just make things worse.”

Trevor: “So be it then! The fate of Trevor Belmont is to face the monster Dracula alone!”

Alucard: “Trevor, before you go, there’s something you should know.” *goes to put a hand on trevor’s shoulder but he steps back grimacing*

Trevor: “Do not touch me with your vile hands, vampire!”

Alucard: “…You know what? Never mind. Good luck.”

(and he leaves. Trevor takes a deep breath and heads in to face Dracula, whos sitting in a throne.)

Dracula: “Belmont. So you arrive at last!”

Trevor: “Prepare to be defeated at the hands of Belmont, Dracula.”

Dracula: “We shall see if your whip is any match for my powers!” *evil laughter*

(they have a tremendous battle. Finally Dracula changes back into his human form and collapses.)

Dracula: “You cannot keep me down forever, Belmont.”

Trevor: “Perhaps not. But my ancestors will carry on my legacy!”


+ Simon Belmont +

(he arrives inside draculas chamber. Draculas in his throne again.)

Simon: “Dracula! Your reign of terror ends tonight!”

Dracula: “You’ll soon be nothing more than another victim, Belmont!”

(another tremendous fight. Again Dracula falls defeated.)

Dracula: “I’ll be back, Belmont.”

Simon: “We’ll be waiting.”


+ Juste Belmont +

(juste carefully places a chair down in a room full of different kinds of furniture. Then he steps back to admire it.)

Juste: “Now this just looks fantastic. Dracula should use *this* as his throne room.” *pause* “Oh, that reminds me.” *checks pocket watch chained to his vest* “I really should get back to finding that throne room.”


+ Richter Belmont +

(richter enters draculas chamber. Hes sitting on his throne.)

Dracula: *sigh* “I just sat down…”

Richter: “Dracula! Prepare to be vanquished!”

(Dracula hits richter with a fireball.)

Richter: *falls* “Ow! Oh, come on! That was cheap!”

Maria: *runs in* “Heal!” *casts spell on richter*

Richter: “What are you doing here? I told you to wait by the buggy!”

Maria: “I just saved your life, you ungrateful prick!”

Richter: “Belmont’s don’t need saving! Get out of here!”

(she runs out. Richter stands up.)

Richter: “Where was I? Oh, right.” *clears throat* “This ends now, Dracula!”

(flash to richter in the present day, telling his story to duke, franswa, zell and hugh. Hes mostly talking to duke, who looks enthralled.)

Richter: “And then I easily slew the monster Dracula, and I came home where they threw a huge parade in my honor.”

Franswa: “Dad, don’t lie to him! You didn’t come home till years later because that demon possessed you!”

Richter: “……Franswa, when you have a story about how you defeated Dracula, then you can interrupt mine.”

Franswa: “I’m never going to have one of those stories, dad.”

Richter: “Then be quiet.”

-Worst Moments In Belmont History-

(about 18 years ago, richter comes home carrying something called my first whip.)

Richter: “Franswa! Daddy’s home! I’ve got a weapon for you!”

(the house is very quiet. Richter frowns and walks into the kitchen where he finds franswa at the table, taking some cupcakes out of an easy bake oven.)

Franswa: “Now to frost them pink!”

Richter: *drops whip* “Oh god.”

Franswa: “Hi, daddy! Look what grandpa bought me!”

Richter: “Dad!”

Juste: *comes in* “Oh. Hello, Richter.”

Richter: “Is this what you buy my son?!”

Juste: “I don’t see the harm in it.”

Richter: “It is a girl’s toy! And besides, I bought him something educational!” *picks up whip*

Juste: “Well that’s splendid, Richter. But let the boy finish frosting.”

Franswa: “And I’m gonna put flowers on top!”

Richter: *mumbles* “I better not have a Soleiyu on my hands.”

(many years earlier. Young Christopher is with his son soleiyu. Trevor, looking much younger himself, is nearby.)

Christopher: “Now Soleiyu, come study your vampire books!”

Soleiyu: “No! I don’t wanna fight vampires! I wanna raise birds!”

Trevor: “You want to *what*?”

Christopher: *chuckles nervously* “Come, Soleiyu. Don’t be ridiculous! Birds can raise themselves!”

Soleiyu: “You can’t make me!” *runs out*

(theres silence for awhile.)

Trevor: “The boy’s defective. You should start over.”

Christopher: “But my wife’s deceased!”

Trevor: “That’s easily replaceable.”

Christopher: “You’re being ridiculous. He’ll come around. You’ll see.”

(back to richter, who looks terrified.)

Juste: “Relax, son. It can’t be that bad.” *pause* “You at least won’t have bird poop all over your house.”

-Great Moments In Baldwin History-

(hugh, who looks about 16, is shopping at an outdoor market near where some old men are talking.)

Old Man: “I hear talk of vampires showing up two towns over.”

Other Old Man: “Nonsense! It’s summer! They’re damaged by the heat!”

Old Man: “That’s not true!”

Other Old Man: “Is so!”

Hugh: “It’s not actually. Vampires are damaged by actual sunlight. Heat has nothing to do with it. Neither does time of day for that matter. Vampires can walk around outdoors when the sky is cloudy.”

(the other old man grumbles, but the other smiles.)

Old Man: “Your knowledge of vampires is extensive! And you’re such a strong, strapping young man! You must be a Belmont!”

Hugh: *beams*

-Worst Moments In Baldwin History-

Morris: “Hugh Baldwin! Double time! Your mother needs you!”

Hugh: *face falls* “Yes, Father.”

Old Man: “Oh. You’re just a Baldwin. I better have my eyes checked.”

Hugh: *frowns*

-Great Moments In Vampire History-

(Dracula is in his throne room talking to desdemona and uncle orlick.)

Dracula: “He was in here working with the Belmont! What kind of son did I raise?”

Orlick: “May he be showered with sunlight!”

Desdemona: *gasp* “How could you say that?”

Orlick: “That boy ain’t right! Something’s off in his head! You don’t fight your own kind!”

Desdemona: “I told you not to get involved with a human.”

Dracula: “I didn’t mean to get her pregnant! Oh, and FYI – the pull out method does *not* work.”

(then the doors open and in strolls uncle herb.)

Herb: “Guess who was just talking to Columbus!”

Desdemona: “Not Christopher Columbus! The one who just discovered the new continent?”

Herb: “Is there any other?”

Orlick: “You get him?”

Herb: “I have him the whole explanation, of course. But I personalized it just for him! Chris, I told him, sure you’re enjoying the attention now. You deserve it! But why not enjoy it forever?”

Orlick: “Did ya get him?”

Herb: “Not yet. But he took the pamphlet I wrote. Even if I don’t get him, I’ll be able to tell everyone I almost did.”

Dracula: “I hope this means you can stop bragging about how you almost got Jane Grey.”

Herb: “I warned her. This is only going to end badly, I told her. She got what she deserved.”

Desdemona: “As far as I’m concerned, all those close to the British crown are mad anyway. That’s what happens when cousins marry each other.”

Herb: “So! Who wants to help me write some pamphlets?”

Everyone: *groans*

Dracula: “Can’t someone invent something so we don’t have to copy all this information by hand?”

Herb: “Come on! There are a few more explorers I’m going to pitch to. They’re the perfect demographic. They have a dangerous job – don’t wanna die mid-voyage and miss all the fame and fortune upon your triumphant return, right? And you can just feet on the more dispensable crew members and say they fell overboard. No worries for you if the ship runs low on food or water!”

Orlick: “You sold me!”

Desdemona: “Don’t you have to be out in the sun quite often on a ship?”

Herb: *scrowls* “No. They have whole rooms below deck! Have you been on a ship in the last century? Now everybody grab a quill.”

Other vamps: *groan*

-Worst Moments In Vampire History-

(Dracula is laying across his throne looking miserable. Desdemona is nearby looking equally miserable.)

Dracula: “I’m so *hungry*! Where’s Herb?”

Desdemona: “He should be back any moment.”

(just then the door opens and herb enters. He looks very serious. Dracula sits up straight.)

Dracula: “Well? Are the humans better yet?”

Herb: *shakes head* “I’m afraid not. This black death just seems to keep spreading.”

Desdemona: “Ugh! It is disgusting! We can’t feed on the sick ones, and the ones who seem well may be coming down with it! So they’re tainted!”

Dracula: “It’s just undrinkable. It tastes awful.”

Herb: “And I can’t recruit anybody. Everyone is in such a religious fervor they won’t even hear me out! They called me a witch and threw rocks at me.” *frowns*

Desdemona: “Herb…honestly. At a time like this could you not fret about your job? We have a serious problem.”

Dracula: “I can’t keep playing a guessing game, trying to find some fresh blood! We have to leave Europe!”

Desdemona: “And go where?”

Herb: “Count Chocula moved his family to a place called Japan.”

Dracula: “Chocula! That show boater! I build a castle, he builds a bigger one. I take 3 mistresses, he gets six. He’s not home? Let’s burn his place down!”

Desdemona: “You certainly are cranky when you’re hungry!”

Herb: “We have to go. We can’t stay here eating rats! They taste even worse!”

Desdemona: “Maybe they carry diseases.”

Herb: “Don’t be silly, woman!”

Dracula: “I can’t believe this. I have to leave my castle, and this disease is diminishing our food supply!”

Herb: “Maybe it’ll kill those Belmont’s.”

Dracula: “I’m probably not that fortunate. Okay, let’s go. Where’s Orlick?”

Desdamona: “Rat hunting.”

Dracula: “Well find him. And gather up whatever you need for the trip. Who knows when we’ll be back.”

(herb and Desdemona go to leave.)

Herb: “I’ll have to learn Japanese now. Do you think it’s anything like Romanian?”

(they leave. Dracula sighs sadly and looks out the castle window.)

Dracula: Farewell, home. Hopefully we will not be apart for long.”

(flash to the present. Alucard and d look bored as uncle herb talks.)

Herb: “But it wasn’t so bad in the end. I mastered Japanese within a week, and by the time we left I had recruited 3,000 people. Plus when we got back to Europe, the blood just seemed to taste better.”

Alucard: “Gross. Glad that was before my time.”

D: “It wasn’t before my time. And it’s a time I’d really rather forget.”

(then Dracula comes running in holding a fishbowl full of keys.)

Dracula: “Little Draky! Hurry! You have to help me open all the doors to Wonderland! Or it’s off with my shoelaces!”

(D looks at alucard.)

Alucard: “He mentioned you by name.”

D: *sigh* “All right, dad. Let’s find out where you got all the keys.”

Dracula: “They were hanging on hooks outside a place with a door! I think the Queen of Clubs lives there! Because it said ‘Club’ on the door!”

D: *pales* “Let’s go, dad.”

(they leave.)

Herb: “Did I ever tell you about the time I almost got Louis XVI?”

Alucard: “*Yes*.”

-A Moment In Belmont Present History-

Tifa: *running down the stairs* “Duke?! Duke?!”

Richter: *coming over* “Something wrong?”

Tifa: “I can’t find Duke! He was just playing upstairs!”

Richter: “I never had trouble keeping track of Franswa.” *frowns* “Of course.”

Tifa: “DUKE?!”

Franswa: *comes in* “Something wrong?”

Tifa: “Have you seen Duke?”

Franswa: “You can’t find him?”

Tifa: “Maybe he’s in the living room.”

(so they all go into the living room, where Trevor, simon and juste are watching tv.)

Tifa: “Is Duke in here?”

Trevor: “Not unless he’s on Judge Judy.”

Tifa: “Richter, I’m worried! Where could he be?”

Simon: “Maybe he went to fight Dracula!”

Richter: “Don’t be ridiculous! He’s still just a—“

Franswa: “Um, dad?” *points out window*

(everyone crowds over to the window to find duke across the street at the castle, armed with a knife.)

Richter: “Duke! No! You’re still too young! Your training has barely begun!”

Tifa: *running for the front door* “Duke!!”

(meanwhile, across the street, D is flipping through a magazine in the kitchen when)

Dracula’s voice: “Alucard! There’s a baby at the door!”

D: “That’s great, dad. But Alucard’s not home, just me.”

Dracula’s voice: “Alucard! The baby stabbed me!” *laughs* “It thinks it’s Belmont!”

(ds eyes go wide and he rushes to the door to find duke hanging onto draculas leg like hes trying to tackle him or something. Theres a knife sticking out of his leg.)

Dracula: “Aw, he’s biting me! Maybe it wants treats!”

(d picks up duke, who starts hitting him and saying bad vampire repeatedly.)

D: “Dad, this *is* a Belmont.”

Dracula: “But it’s so little!” *gasps* “Let’s feed it to the puppy! Oh, can we, can we, can we?”

D: “No.”

(tifa and richter come running over.)

Tifa: “I’m so sorry.”

D: “Not a problem.” *hands duke to tifa*

Duke: “Bad vampires!”

Richter: “That’s right, Duke. But bring the right weapon next time.” *shakes head* “A knife. He still has so much to learn.”

(so tifa, duke and richter leave.)

Dracula: “…Something in my leg feels stabby.”

D: *sigh*

Dracula: “I wish I had a pet possum.”

D: “……Let’s get back inside, dad.”

-A Moment In Vampire Present History-

(uncle herb is standing outside a movie theater advertising the movie twilight. The crowd is letting out. Twilight and opal exit the theater.)

Twilight: “I don’t care what you say, Opal. That was false advertising.”

(they leave as alucard runs over.)

Alucard: “Uncle Herb! I knew I’d find you here!”

Herb: “This is a goldmine, Alucard! I’ve given out so many pamphlets – I couldn’t have made a better vampire recruiting movie myself!”

Alucard: “This isn’t a vampire recruiting movie.”

Herb: “Of course it is!”

(2 thirteen year old girls walk by. Uncle herb hands them pamphlets.)

Herb: “Sparkle in the sunlight! Become a vampire today!”

Girls: “Awesome!” *take pamphlets and leave*

Alucard: “Uncle Herb! You can’t recruit anyone underage!”

Herb: “But they’re the easiest demographic I’ve ever recruited, Alucard! And all I have to do is stand outside this theater and put scratch and sniff stickers on the pamphlets!”

Alucard: “You’re not even giving people the right information about what being a vampire is like! You’re just encouraging the misinformation shown in the stupid movie!”

Herb: “Well, it seems the Global Vampire Recruiting Coalition has decided misleading people is the best way to go. That’s why they made this movie.”

Alucard: “They didn’t make the stupid movie! It’s based on a book some lady in Utah wrote!”

Herb: *blink blink* “Utah? There’re no vampires there anymore! We were driven out ages ago!”

Alucard: “That’s what I’m trying to tell you! A *human* wrote this book!”

Herb: *gasp* “No!”

Alucard: “Yes!”

Herb: “But we don’t sparkle in the sunlight! Or move at super sonic speeds!”

Alucard: “I know.”

Herb: “I thought this was ingenious propaganda conjured up by the Coalition!”

Alucard: “Nope.”

Herb: “……………” *shrugs* “Oh well. Whatever works.”

Alucard: *hits himself in the head*







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