Nida: “Whatever! She just made the biggest mistake of her life! She’ll regret the day she dumped Nida Horsenflaggenoffer!”
Originally Published: 7/26/2007
Synopsis
Lark and the girls realize their means of getting to the ramble room is broken. Does this mean they have to leave for good?
Ramble Milestones
-We learn Nida’s last name.
Aren’t Locke and Yuffie such an obvious couple? Wish I thought of that sooner. Basically the thought behind this last ramble was: everybody gets a storyline! (Except the fringe FFIX and X characters). Hence you have Edgar’s baby trouble and Shadow wanting to be like Snake…a storyline I don’t really care for.
(meanwhile, back at the ramble room, sephiroth and twilight are talking. sephiroth has a list in hand)
Twilight: “So what happened? Our petition didn’t work?”
Sephiroth: “No! She knew we wrote the names!”
Twilight: “What?! How the hell is that possible?”
Sephiroth: “Well it didn’t help that every name you wrote was spelled wrong!”
Twilight: “You should know me by now.”
Sephiroth: “You’re still spelling ‘Rufus’ with a ‘w’! Haven’t you learned anything??”
Twilight: “Guess not.”
Sephiroth: “Well now I have to start all over.”
Twilight: “Fine. Just tell me how to spell the names.”
Sephiroth: “No. I’m going to get everyone to sign their actual names.”
Twilight: “Really? How?”
Sephiroth: “By physical force if necessary.”
Twilight: “Awesome! I’m in!”
Sephiroth: “I’m going to have that creepy stalker out of the ramble room by the end of the day!”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(meanwhile, reno is just getting up and stumbles into the ramble room. irvine is already there. he looks hung over)
Reno: “Ya know…you’d think by now we’d be immune to hang overs.”
Irvine: “I wish.”
Reno: “So what did you wind up doing last night?”
Irvine: *goes to speak*
Reno: “And if the answer is my sister, don’t say a damn thing.”
Irvine: “……………”
Reno: *frowns* “That’s what I thought.”
Irvine: “What? It’s not like I’ve been sleepin’ with anyone else.”
Reno: “What?”
Irvine: “Nothin’. Sunshine was in here before, ya know. She was looking for you.”
Reno: “She totally has the hots for me.”
Irvine: “You guys do it yet?”
Reno: “I’m getting to that part.”
Irvine: “Dude…”
Reno: “Hey. Some girls just need a little more respect than others.”
Irvine: “I’m gonna quote Squall right now…whatever.”
Reno: “Whatever yourself. I’m gonna go find Sunshine.”
(he leaves and heads towards the tv room. he can hear sunshine and rufus talking. he’s about to go in, but he pauses besides the door to listen first)
Sunshine: “I thought he was finished! But then he just pointed out another piece of evidence that put the whole case in a different light. He proved his client not guilty! I’m telling you, Rufus. Not one defense attorney in my firm would take her case. But this Phoenix Wright guy did. He was amazing.”
Rufus: “Did you get his card?”
Sunshine: “I did. Here you go. If you’re ever in some serious trouble with the law, give him a call.”
Rufus: “Hopefully I won’t have to, but it’s good to have. How come you went into taxes and trustees and stuff and didn’t go into criminal law?”
Sunshine: “Eh, I don’t know. It just wasn’t for me I guess. I’d probably collapse under all that pressure. But not Phoenix. I hardly saw him break a sweat!”
Rufus: “It sounds like you have the hots for this guy.”
Reno: *frowns*
Sunshine: “Well, I guess he’s kinda cute, but—“
(reno then walks into the room)
Reno: “Hey there, Sunshine! Good morning! Heard you were looking for me!”
Rufus: *frowns* “You look like you just woke up, Reno.”
Reno: “I just did. Had a long night.”
Sunshine: “Hope you didn’t get in any trouble.”
Rufus: “Though if you did, seems like Sun’s found a lawyer who could probably get you off the hook! He’s probably out of your price range, though! Well, I’m off. See you later.”
Sunshine: “Bye, Rufus.”
(rufus leaves.)
Reno: “A lawyer, huh? What’s he talking about?”
Sunshine: “Oh, nothing really. There was this high profile case yesterday, and I stopped by to watch the proceedings.”
Reno: “What about this lawyer?”
Sunshine: “Phoenix Wright? Nothing. He was just really impressive, that’s all.”
Reno: “What doya mean by ‘impressive’?”
Sunshine: “Reno! Why do you care? Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted a get a late breakfast, but you look like you should probably lie down for awhile more.”
Reno: “Nah, I’m good. Where we going?”
Sunshine: “It’s okay, I’ll go myself. I have work to do anyway. I’ll see you later.”
(she gives him a smile and walks out. reno frowns again)
Reno: “Phoenix Wright. What kinda stupid name is that?”
(then sephiroth and twilight come over. sephiroth shoves a clipboard at him.)
Sephiroth: “Sign this.”
Reno: *blink blink* “What is it?”
Sephiroth: “Does it matter? Just sign it.”
Reno: *strains* “I’m still seein’ kinda blurry…”
Sephiroth: *annoyed sigh* “Don’t read, just sign! How hard is this to understand?”
Reno: “If I sign this is it gonna come back to bite me in the ass?”
Sephiroth: “No.”
Reno: “’Cause this other time I signed something hungover—“
Sephiroth: “It’s nothing bad about you, okay? I swear on Vincent’s prosthetic hand! This will benefit all of us! Right, Twilight?”
Twilight: “Sure it will!”
Sephiroth: “So sign it!” *holds out pen*
Reno: “Fine.” *scrawls his name* “I’ve gotta find Irvine.”
(he leaves. sephiroth holds up the clipboard in triumph)
Sephiroth: “Well that wasn’t so hard! We finally got one real signature!”
Twilight: “You’re gonna need more than that. I don’t think Lark’s gonna believe your cat or that weirdo Shadow’s dog really can sign their names.”
Sephiroth: “Ooh! Mr. Jingles! I bet I can forge his signature!” *writes it*
Twilight: *blink blink*
Sephiroth: “…What? Like Rufus doesn’t sign his name on stuff? The bear has his own checking account!”
Twilight: “…That’s scary. So who we gonna force to sign next?”
Sephiroth: “Whoever is lucky enough to cross my path.” *smiles*
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(meanwhile, back at loser land everyone’s in the kitchen except scarlet, seymour and kuja…)
Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Brunch time!”
Nida: “No! No brunch time, you lard ass! You just had breakfast time and snack time!”
Heidegger: “It’s always time for eating! Gya haa haa!”
Hojo: “I still can’t believe I missed the cat fight. And the cameras didn’t even catch it! Someone tied a Garden pride bandana over the lens!” *glares at nida*
Nida: “It was probably the skunk.”
Stinky: *unhappy snort*
(speaking of unhappy, seymour walks in. he has a black eye and doesn’t look very happy)
Seymour: “Look at me! Would you just look at me! Look at my face! How can I go out of the house like this?”
(kuja glides in)
Kuja: “It’s an improvement, if anything. Distracts the eye from those horrible veins you’ve got going on.”
Seymour: “You assaulted me! I should press charges!”
Kuja: “If anyone was assaulted, it was me. I was merely defending myself.”
Hojo: “He’s quite good at that. I now wear an athletic cup all the time.”
Seymour: “Please. If I wanted to make out with a hideous beast, I’d pick Heidegger.”
Heidegger: “I’ve been called worse! Gya haa haa!”
Kuja: “Please. Spare me your lame lies. If you’d like, I could give you another shiner to match the one I gave you this morning. It’s really quite an improvement over that excuse for make-up you usually smear on your face.”
Hojo: “Yes, do it!”
Seymour: “Not like it hurt anyway.”
Kuja: “I’m hurting right now just looking at you.”
(he walks out. seymour frowns)
Nida: “Kuja throw a punch? Please! He’d probably hurt you more with his scary nails than anything else!”
(scarlet walks in)
Nida: “Speaking of scary – it’s a witch! Oh wait. It’s just Scarlet.”
Scarlet: “Oh, Nida. You’re so hilarious I forgot to laugh.” *pause* “Were you trying to spy on me in the shower last night?”
Nida: *shifty eyes* “No… And you can’t prove anything because someone covered the camera!”
Hojo: “You did.”
Nida: “No!”
Hojo: “Who else has ‘Garden pride’?”
Nida: “Lots of people! Garden rocks!”
Scarlet: “Anyway…you and Kuja kiss and make up yet?”
Seymour: “I wish.”
Everyone: *blink blink*
Seymour: “Uh…make up, I mean. No one likes to be fighting.”
Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! No one here knows how to lie!”
Seymour: “I’m going to try and cover this…scar Kuja oh so kindly left me with.”
Hojo: “I’ve got a special potion that tends to clear up bruises quickly. I need it because believe me, I get some in very tender areas.”
Seymour: “…I’ll pass, thanks.”
(he leaves)
Scarlet: “He is so pathetic.”
Nida: “Yeah! Totally!” *pause* “…Wait. Why is he pathetic?”
Scarlet: *rolls eyes* “Never mind, Nida. You’re way more pathetic.”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(meanwhile, setzer is in the room he and edgar share. he’s at the computer playing some poker online.)
Setzer: “Dammit. Good thing this isn’t real money.”
(the door opens and edgar comes in. he does not look pleased. setzer doesn’t turn around – he’s still looking at the computer)
Setzer: “Hey, Eddie. How are things at the old Kingdom?”
(edgar says nothing. he immediately proceeds to the other room and shuts the door loudly. setzer turns around and looks at the closed door, totally confused)
Setzer: “Eddie?”
(no answer. setzer frowns, goes over to the door and knocks)
Setzer: “Edgar? Everything okay?” *pause* “Edgar?” *knocks again*
Edgar: *snaps* “What is it?”
Setzer: “What’s the matter with you? Is the kingdom okay?”
Edgar: “The kingdom is fine! Let me be.”
(there’s a period of silence. setzer sighs, fishes a bobby pin out of his pocket and quickly manages to open the door. he walks into the other room to find edgar sitting on the bed looking depressed. he looks surprised to see setzer)
Setzer: *holds up bobby pin* “Thank you Locke.”
Edgar: “I said to let me be.”
Setzer: “Sorry, can’t do that. You’re not usually the brooding type, and when you are, something is really wrong.” *sits next to him* “What happened back home?”
Edgar: “…Nothing.”
Setzer: “Don’t lie to me, Eddie.”
Edgar: “Fine. Nothing of your concern then.”
Setzer: “If it bothers you it’s my concern. Now what’s up?”
Edgar: “…………Unless you’re suddenly able to have a child, I’m afraid you can be no help to me, Setzer.”
Setzer: *blink blink* “…What?”
Edgar: “The elders spoke with me today. They were concerned because I was not yet married. They wanted to arrange a marriage for me.”
Setzer: “Uh oh.”
Edgar: “I had always feared this day would come. It was not something I wanted to do, but I had no other choice. I explained my…situation to them. Needless to say they were not pleased.”
Setzer: “They don’t like the idea of two kings I guess?”
Edgar: “That wasn’t quite the problem.”
Setzer: “Okay…”
Edgar: “The problem is…I have no heir.”
Setzer: “Oh.” *pause* “Right.” *pause* “Kings usually need heirs, don’t they.”
Edgar: “Yes. *I* need an heir. Who will continue the Figaro line when I die?” *softly* “I never thought about that.”
Setzer: “Uh…well…there are options. You could adopt!”
Edgar: “No. It needs to be my blood.”
Setzer: “Oh. Right.” *pause* “Well you can pay someone! Like a surrogate or something.”
Edgar: “I doubt any woman with noble blood would consent to such a thing.”
Setzer: “Now you’re just getting picky.”
Edgar: “Setzer, I am trying to be serious here. I need a heir to my throne. I can’t let the Figaro name die! The castle is named after us!”
Setzer: “I know you’re being serious! I get it, okay?” *pause* “Can I ask you one thing, though?”
Edgar: “…What is it?”
Setzer: “Is this really about you? Or are you doing this because they told you you had to.”
Edgar: *long pause* “……It’s…a combination. If I don’t produce an heir…I can’t remain king.”
Setzer: “What?”
Edgar: “The kingdom has always been obsessed with continuing the monarchy. Failure to produce an heir results in the power being transferred to the next of kin. Then they will assume the throne and it will be their responsibility to produce an heir.” *pause* “…And we all know who my only next of kin is.”
Setzer: “Sabin…”
Edgar: “Precisely.” *softly* “I can’t do that to him.”
Setzer: “Stupid kingdoms and their stupid laws. Okay, Eddie. No worries. We’ll figure out something to get you an heir. I’ve gotten out of worse predicaments.”
Edgar: “You don’t have to remind me.”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(meanwhile, sephiroth and twilight are talking to squall)
Sephiroth: “So, in short, you should sign this, because it might just save your life.”
Squall: “…Whatever.” *signs it and walks away*
Sephiroth: “We are on a roll!”
Twilight: “Yeah. We’ve got the signatures of two people who aren’t animals.”
Sephiroth: “It’s a start. More will follow. They have to! Auron is annoying!”
Twilight: “I know! So why won’t you tell anyone what the petition is really for?”
Sephiroth: “Because…I like to keep secrets.”
Twilight: “Don’t lie to me! I’m pretty much your only friend!”
Sephiroth: “Because the less people know what they’re actually signing, the less likely I am to get in trouble later.”
Twilight: “You mean with Lark or with Vincent?”
Sephiroth: “Doesn’t matter. The point is it has to look like people actually wanted to sign this thing. Which they should. Because Auron is annoying.”
(zell walks by)
Sephiroth: “Aha! Another victim! Hey, Zell!”
Zell: *walks in* “Hey, ‘Roth! What’s up?”
Sephiroth: “Zell old pal! I need you to sign something for me. Do you mind?”
Zell: “Of course not! Where do I sign?”
Sephiroth: *smiles and holds out clipboard* “Right on the line there.”
Zell: *signs* “Cool! There you go!”
Sephiroth: “Perfect. You can go now.”
Zell: “Hey – either of you guys wanna job? Franswa needs a staff for his restaurant and I said I’d help!”
Twilight: “After that last food service dump I worked in, I’m never going back! That creeped me the hell out! And nothing creeps me out!”
Sephiroth: “I don’t want a job at your boyfriend’s restaurant. I said you can go now, so leave.”
Zell: “But you just said I was your pal!”
Sephiroth: “That was an obvious lie.”
Zell: “What did I just sign there anyway?”
Sephiroth: “Doesn’t matter! It’s too late to take it back! Let’s go, Twilight.”
(they leave. zell stands there rubbing the back of his neck nervously)
Zell: “Oh boy… Hope that doesn’t get me in trouble.” *sigh* “Anyway, better find some people who wanna work with Franswa…”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(meanwhile, it seems laguna is at the grocery store with kiros and ward)
Laguna: “Ooh! Fruit by the Foot! Wow! Is it really a whole foot long? How do they know how long my foot is?”
Kiros: “Ward says killing you would be a mercy to the planet.”
Ward: *sad sigh*
Laguna: “I love when I get to do the ramble room grocery shopping! Plus spinning that chore wheel is fun!” *looks at paper in hand* “I don’t see any fruit snacks on this grocery list!” *gasp* “That can’t be! They have Super Hyper Heroes Club ones!” *grabs five boxes*
Kiros: “Ward says you smell and you should probably head over to the deodorant aisle.”
Laguna: *frowns* “Ward gets meaner every day.”
Ward: *glares at kiros*
Laguna: “What’s next on the list?” *looks at list* “Boy. There sure is a lot of beer on here. Is that really healthy for growing kids? Maybe I should get some milk instead.”
Kiros: “Ward says do it. The worst they can do is kill you.”
Laguna: *chuckles* “That’s true! There are plenty of things worse than being killed!” *pause* “Wait…no there isn’t.”
Kiros: “Ward says you’re slow on the uptake.”
Ward: *hits kiros*
Kiros: “Ow! Laguna! Ward hit me!”
Laguna: “Hey hey, Ward! Leave Kiros alone! He’s just trying to help you communicate!”
Ward: *gives kiros a death look*
Laguna: “Let’s see what’s in the next aisle! I hope it’s cookies!”
(he moves into the next aisle. kiros smiles at ward)
Kiros: “Yup. Just trying to help, Ward.”
(he goes off to follow laguna. ward just stands there glaring after him.)
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(then there’s barret. he is looking bored when he sees red walk by)
Barret: “Yo! Cat/rat/moo! Where you be goin’?”
Red: *sigh* “Not that it’s any business of yours, but I am going to see my grandfather.”
Barret: “Good ol’ Bugenhagen, huh? Mind if I tag along?”
Red: “Yes.”
Barret: “Ever since Cid got his damn job with his damn chick, I ain’t been doin’ much a anything! It’s borin’ as all hell!”
Red: “I said I *mind*.”
Barret: “Yo! I be drivin’! You fit in that there kiddie seat, right?”
(he goes over to his car. red sighs sadly)
Red: “I suppose hoping someone would actually listen to me is too much to ask.”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(meanwhile, back at the therapy center…koudelka is at the desk doing some paperwork)
Cid’s voice: “Dammit, Bowser Jr.! Get over here you little #$%^#$%@! You @#%@$%^@^! @#$@#^%#&#^#$%@&#&#%&$%&*#^&##$&&#!”
Koudelka: *wistful sigh* “Boy, I wish I still had that swear jar.”
(then cloud and squall come walking out from their meeting)
Cloud: “Every time I come here it gets more pointless.”
Squall: “Whatever. I haven’t gotten anything out of this. All I know is I hate mice now.”
Cloud: *shudders* “Me too.”
(they leave. rudy, jack and hanpan come out. jack is crying. rudy is trying to touch hanpan who keeps moving away)
Jack: *crying* “I really learned a lot about myself. I really feel like I’m growing as a person.”
Rudy: “Let me stroke your soft fur!”
Hanpan: “I’ll bite you! I swear I will!”
Jack: “I have to call Cecilia. I have to get her to talk to me again. Maybe we can all be friends again! Like we used to be!”
Rudy: “Yes. Let’s be friends.” *tries to grab hanpan*
Hanpan: “Stay away from me!”
(they leave. then there’s a nice period of silence)
Koudelka: “This won’t last.”
(it doesn’t. moments later yuri comes out)
Yuri: “Well that was *awful*.”
Koudelka: “You exaggerate.”
Yuri: “Am I? Because I don’t think anyone should ever have to watch a grown man try and lick a mouse!”
Koudelka: “I thought you were into that kinda thing.”
Yuri: “What? Come on! Give me *some* credit.”
Koudelka: “Um…no.”
(cid comes out)
Cid: “Is it bad if a kid is bleeding?”
Koudelka: “Is it something Bowser Jr. did to himself?”
Cid: “Yeah.”
Koudelka: *shrugs* “He knows how to put on a band-aid.”
(the doors open then and someone comes in. the person is very feminine in appearance and is wearing lots of make-up. they are wearing jeans and a button down shirt – not what they usually wear in their game. yuri’s jaw drops immediately)
????: “Hey. I’m here to pick up Serge.”
Koudelka: “He’s—“
Yuri: *walks in front of her* “Hi! I’m Yuri, Serge’s therapist! I don’t believe we’ve met!”
????: “I’m Nikki.”
Yuri: “Nikki. That is a very pretty name. Nice to meet you. Serge is in that room right back there.”
(nikki goes back to get serge. yuri watches nikki go.)
Yuri: “That is the hottest girl I have ever seen in my life.”
Koudelka: “…Really?”
Yuri: “Oh yeah. The things I’d like to do to her…”
Koudelka: “Keep it to yourself, please.” *pauses then smiles slyly* “Hey… You should ask her out!”
Cid: *confused* “Uh, Koudelka…?”
Yuri: “You think so?”
Koudelka: “Yeah! She’s totally into you! Go for it!”
Cid: “…Koudelka…?”
Yuri: “All right! I will!”
(nikki comes back out with serge)
Serge: “Are you taking me to that mad scientist?”
Nikki: “No.”
Serge: “Lies!”
Yuri: “Hey, Nikki! Maybe you and I can go out sometime!”
Nikki: *looks yuri over* “Uh…yeah. Okay.” *takes out pen* “I’ll give you my number.”
(yuri sticks his hand out and nikki writes the number down)
Yuri: “Great! I’ll give you a call!”
Nikki: “Talk to you later then.”
(nikki and serge leave. yuri stares at the number.)
Yuri: “You were right! She’s totally into me! Oh man! Yuri’s gonna get really lucky this weekend!”
(he runs out excitedly. cid looks at koudelka in confusion.)
Cid: “That wasn’t a woman!”
Koudelka: “I know.”
Cid: “That was a really, really girly looking guy!”
Koudelka: “I know.”
Cid: “Did Yuri piss you off or something?”
Koudelka: “No. I just think it will be funny.”
Cid: “You’re such a bitch.”
Koudelka: “That’s why you like me.”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(meanwhile, richter is sitting in front of the tv watching some movie when tifa comes in the room. she has a big list in her hand)
Tifa: “Richter…we need to talk.”
Richter: *alarmed* “Are vampires attacking?!”
Tifa: “No.”
Richter: “No?” *goes back to the movie* “Then it can wait until after the shark movie then.”
Tifa: *blink blink* “What are you watching?”
Richter: “Zell lent it to me! He has great taste in movies! This one is about sharks that are as smart as people! And they’re attacking them! Look! That’s the stupid whore who screwed them all!” *points to screen*
Tifa: “Ookay… Well can you pause it?”
Richter: “But the chef is in danger!”
Tifa: “Richter!”
Richter: *sigh* “All right.” *pauses it* “What’s the problem?”
Tifa: “The problem is this guest list!” *holds it out* “You have over a thousand people on here!”
Richter: “You knew I had a really big family.”
Tifa: “Some of these people are dead!”
Richter: “We like to reserve spaces for them in spirit.”
Tifa: “Richter, no reception site is going to accommodate this many people – and I don’t want to be paying for dead people to eat.”
Richter: “Fine, fine. Leave them out. I’ll be hearing about it in the after life.”
Tifa: “That still puts us at over 800 people.”
Richter: “That’s manageable.”
Tifa: “No it’s not. I don’t want that many people at my wedding! I won’t feel like I’m getting married! I’ll feel like I’m in concert!”
Richter: “That’ll be fun!”
Tifa: *sigh* “Richter, I don’t think you’re following me.”
Richter: “I can’t cut anyone out! That’s my family! It’s not my fault we don’t die easily! Blame the vampire that contaminated us!”
Tifa: “We’ll have to talk about this another time.” *stomps out*
Richter: “Back to the shark movie!” *unpauses it* “That Samuel L. Jackson is sure to make it to the end! ‘I am sick and tired of these #$@#$!@#$% sharks, in the @#$%^#@#$%^&* research center!” *gasp* “Omg he just got eaten!!! This film is amazing!!”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(meanwhile, in loser land, seymour and scarlet are sitting on the couch watching a talk show on tv.)
Seymour: “……………”
Scarlet: “………”
Seymour: “…………….”
Scarlet: “……You love Kuja.”
Seymour: “Shut up! I do not!”
(there’s a knock at the door. do you think they hear it? I think not.)
Scarlet: “Riiiiiight.”
Seymour: “I don’t! You’re crazy! I think all those drugs are getting to your head!”
Scarlet: “They probably are but that’s besides the point!”
(there’s another knock on the door. heidegger comes into the room.)
Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I hear something!”
Scarlet: “It’s probably yourself farting again.”
Heidegger: “You’re right! Gya haa haa!”
(another knock on the door. hojo comes in looking annoyed)
Hojo: “Can no one hear the knocking on the door?! What is wrong with all of you?? I can hear it in the next room!”
Seymour: “What?”
Hojo: “Argh!”
(he storms over to the door and opens it. it’s lucretia.)
Lucretia: “Alexander!” *hugs him* “It’s great to see you again!”
Hojo: *stiffly* “Lucretia! Heh. It’s…you. Again. I thought you were back on hating me again.”
Lucretia: “Nope! Can I come in?” *walks in*
Hojo: *shuts the door and mutters* “I was going to say no…”
Lucretia: “I was in the neighborhood and I knew you wouldn’t mind if I stayed here for awhile!”
Hojo: *chokes*
Lucretia: *looking around* “I can see nothing much has changed around here.”
Heidegger: “I’ve gained 20 pounds! Gya haa haa!”
Lucretia: “So are you working on anything lately, Alexander?”
Scarlet: *cough* “His porn collection.” *cough*
Hojo: *nervously* “Oh…nothing major really. You know how it is. A little of this, a little of that, a little…of that other thing…and so on and so forth.”
Lucretia: “You’re so modest! Let me see your lab!”
Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! You’ll regret it!”
Hojo: “I really don’t think—“
Lucretia: *firmly* “Take me there.”
Hojo: *gulp* “Sure. Fine. Right this way.”
(she and hojo leave the room. the others look perplexed for a moment)
Scarlet: “She sure was bitchy about it, huh?”
Seymour: “Rather forceful. Who’d want to willingly go into that lab?”
(nida walks in)
Nida: “Did you see that chick Lucretia is back? She went into Hojo’s lab! He’s probably going to kill her! Then what will we do?”
Everyone: “………………”
Scarlet: “He’s not gonna kill her.”
Nida: “Why not? He’s totally doing experiments on people in there! I hear moaning coming from it all the time!”
Seymour: *shudders* “Excuse me. I have to throw up.” *leaves*
Scarlet: “Nida…he’s not doing experiments on people in there.”
Nida: “Yes he is! He’s a mad scientist! That’s what they do! That’s why they’re mad!”
Scarlet: “No, you’re mad. Shut up.”
Nida: “So what is it then – if you’re so smart?”
Scarlet: “…I’ll tell you when you’re older.”
Nida: “Hey! I am older! Just cause I wasn’t around with the dinosaurs like you were doesn’t mean I’m a kid!”
Scarlet: “No…you’re just stupid.”
(she leaves)
Nida: *yells after her* “Oh…oh yeah? Well you’re stupid too! A stupid whore!”
Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I could fart a better comeback!”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(meanwhile, reeve and tseng around outside, just strolling around the ramble room.)
Tseng: “It’s getting warmer out. I can’t believe it’s already nice enough to walk around.”
Reeve: “Soon we’ll be taking walks around our new house.”
Tseng: “Yeah…that’s still kinda hard to believe.”
Reeve: “You think Rufus told Lark yet?”
Tseng: “No way. Knowing him he’ll wait till the last possible minute.”
Reeve: “……You know, I’ve been thinking about something.”
Tseng: “What’s that?”
Reeve: “…What Rufus said. About us having another child.”
Tseng: “Oh.”
Reeve: “It’s just—well…never mind.”
Tseng: “You want to?”
Reeve: “Not right this second, but…eventually I would. What about—“
(Before he can finish his sentence, sephiroth and twilight walk over)
Sephiroth: “Tseng! Reeve! Just the intelligent people I need to see!”
Tseng: *looks suspicious* “Sephiroth… Twilight…”
Twilight: “Guy whose name is really, really hard to spell.”
Sephiroth: *softly* “I would have forgiven you if you wrote an S, but a Q?”
Twilight: “I thought that was an S!”
Tseng: “What are you two up to?”
Sephiroth: “Not much…just trying to get some signatures to save the rainforest.”
Reeve: “You? Signatures? To save the rainforest?”
Sephiroth: “Of course! I care deeply about the rainforest.”
Twilight: “Me too. Anyone who doesn’t is a Nazi Communist.” *to sephiroth* “Opal’s been watching the History Channel a lot. It’s mostly about weapons.”
Sephiroth: “I know. That’s because it’s the only history that really matters.”
Reeve: “So where’s this petition?”
Sephiroth: “Right here! So just sign your names, and I’ll be on my way!”
(he holds out the clipboard, where his finger is conveniently covering the name of the petition. reeve takes the pen and frowns)
Reeve: “Why are you covering it?”
Sephiroth: “What?”
Reeve: “You’re covering the name of the petition.”
Sephiroth: “I just told you it was for the rainforest! You don’t believe me?”
Tseng: “No.”
Sephiroth: “Shut up, Tseng!”
(reeve then yanks the clipboard out of the hands of an unprepared sephiroth)
Reeve: “So you’re trying to get rid of Auron, huh?”
Tseng: “Is he trying to kill the rainforest or something?”
Sephiroth: “Ha ha.” *snatches clipboard back and holds it out* “Just sign it.”
Tseng: “I’m not signing that. Auron’s nice.”
Sephiroth: “What?!”
Twilight: “Nazi Communist!”
Reeve: “How’d you trick the other people into signing this?”
Sephiroth: “I can’t go around revealing my secrets! Now sign!”
Tseng: “No. It’s pointless, Sephiroth. Lark’s never going to kick him out anyway.”
Sephiroth: “She will when I’m done! Let’s go, Twilight! They’ll be sorry later when Auron is sucking out *their* souls!”
(he and twilight leave. reeve and tseng look at each other)
Reeve: “Sucking out our souls?”
Tseng: “Talk about overdramatic.”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(at the belmont house, franswa walks downstairs where hugh is in the kitchen pouring two glasses of iced tea)
Franswa: “There you are. Where have you been all morning?”
Hugh: “Sleeping.”
Franswa: “Oh right. Sorry about that. But you did a great job. Algus and Rufus were really impressed with your interior design skills. The construction is going on right now. It’s kind of exciting.”
(hugh’s eyes get really wide and he just stands there kind of glaring at franswa. then bria walks over to hugh. apparently she’s been standing behind franswa this whole time. he looks embarrassed)
Bria: “Hugh! I didn’t know you like interior design!”
Franswa: *sweat drops* “Heh…now those two glasses make sense.”
Hugh: “I’m not really *into* it or anything. I just did Franswa a favor this one freak time.”
Bria: “Really? I’ve always found interior designing really interesting! You have to be so creative!”
Hugh: *blushes* “Well…I guess I am *kinda* creative… But I’m really more of a vampire hunter. Really.”
Bria: “They’re doing construction right now? Can I see it?”
Franswa: “I guess, but there’s really not much to see.”
Hugh: “I really don’t think—“
Bria: “Cool! I’ll get my coat!”
(she leaves. hugh gives franswa a look)
Franswa: “Heh…sorry.”
Hugh: “I’m a vampire hunter, Franswa. I hunt vampires and kill them.”
Franswa: “Right. Of course. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have other talents! Why just look at grandpa! Or my dad! He’s very active!”
(richter walks in, potato chip crumbs all over his shirt)
Richter: “Franswa! Come join me! I’m about to watch another fantastic film! This one has Samuel L. Jackson in it too! He has some sort of laser sword! It looks quite fascinating!”
Franswa: “Um…we were just leaving.” *grabs hughs arm* “Okay, bad example.”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(meanwhile, rude is sitting in the ramble room on the phone. in front of him is the paper. it’s the want ads and many, many things are circled.)
Rude: “Hello, I’m calling about your ad in the paper? It says you can work from home and earn lots of cash. …………………You’re kidding, right? People actually call for that kinda thing? …………That is disgusting. ………*How* much does it pay? ……………….Oh. Wow. ……But I will have to say that kind of stuff? …………I see. Well when can I come in for an interview?” *writes something down* “Okay, see you then.” *hangs up and dials another number* “Hello, I’m calling about your ad in the paper? It says there’s a lot of room for growth with the company. ……………You need me to touch an elephant’s *what*?!”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(meanwhile, seifer is in his room going through a mess of stuff on the floor)
Seifer: “Where is that stupid other sock?!?!” *picks up cosmo magazine* “Ashley’s magazine? How did this get in here? All this magazine talks about is how stupid men are!” *opens it up and reads* “10 hot sex tips you’ve never tried.” *reads* “Tried it. Tried it. Tried it. Tried it. Ew. Tried it. Tried it. Couldn’t do it. Tried it. Tried it.” *shakes head* “Those all suck.” *flips through again and reads* “Nice things he did for me.” *reads for a bit and the snorts* “Is this serious? Those suckers! Why would you—“ *pause* “Oh. Now I know why Ashley complains I never do anything nice for her.” *frowns* “Well that changes today! I am going to do the nicest thing in the world! And she’s going to be so surprised!” *pause* “…I better start thinking of something…”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(then there’s irvine and trini. they’re in the pool area laughing and splashing each other)
Irvine: “I said I didn’t wanna get my hair wet!”
Trini: “What? I can’t hear you!”
(they laugh and play around some more. then reno comes in looking somewhat annoyed)
Reno: “There you two are! I’ve been lookin’ all over!”
Irvine: “Sorry, man. Didn’t know you were my mom.”
Reno: “Ha ha ha. I need your help with something, smart ass.”
Trini: “Reno! Irvine came up with a great idea! What about having an open mike night at the bar?”
Reno: “Can we talk about it later? I’ve gotta problem with the chick I’m trying to get with.”
Trini: *rolls eyes* “Fine. I’m getting myself a beer. Want one, Irvine?”
Irvine: “I’m always thirsty for booze, baby.” *holds her close* “And your lovin’.”
Trini: *pushes away laughing* “Nice try, cowboy.”
(she gets out of the pool and leaves. irvine adoringly watches her go.)
Irvine: “Man, your sister…she’s a piece of work.”
Reno: “Gross. Would you listen to me now? I’ve gotta big problem with Sunshine!”
Irvine: “What?”
Reno: “I think she’s got her eye on another guy!”
Irvine: “What? No way! Who’s hotter than you around here? Well, except me.”
Reno: “It’s some lawyer guy. Phoenix Wright or something like that. I mean what kind of stupid poser name is that?”
Irvine: *thoughtfully* “I kinda like the name Phoenix.”
Reno: “Irvine! You’re not listening!”
Irvine: “I’m listening! What makes you think that anyway?”
Reno: “I heard her talking about him to Rufus! About what an amazing lawyer he is.”
Irvine: “That’s a problem. Chicks dig lawyers. That’s why there are so many shows about them on TV.”
Reno: “I’ve gotta go find this guy and see what he’s like.”
Irvine: “Whoa, dude. That seems like a lot of work for a chick. Why don’t you just let her go? You can find someone else!”
Reno: “I don’t want someone else! I’m so close now! I can’t let this one get away!”
Irvine: “Just get her drunk like I did.”
Reno: *gives him a look* “Is that how you got my sister?”
Irvine: “Oh, I didn’t have to get her drunk.”
Reno: “Okay, I’m outta here. Good thing I already know how to get to the courthouse.”
Irvine: *laughs* “Blindfolded!”
Reno: *chuckles* “Yeah…that was a fun night. Catch ya later.”
(he leaves. trini comes back in with the beers and hops back into the pool)
Trini: “What was that about?”
Irvine: “Nothin’ important.” *smiles* “I missed you.”
Trini: “Yeah, you missed looking at my boobs.”
Irvine: “No!”
Trini: *laughs* “Yeah! It’s okay, Irvine. I know how a mind like yours works.”
(she walks away from him to sip her beer, and irvine just stands there frowning.)
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(meanwhile, locke is outside with a metal detector and is going around the backyard of the ramble room with it. he’s not paying attention to anything around him. the detector is beeping steadily)
Locke: “Come on…it cost me ten bucks to rent this thing…there’s gotta be something buried under here…” *the detector beeps like it’s found something* “All right!” *he happily starts to dig and quickly comes up with another one of shadow’s shriukens* “Dammit, Interceptor!”
??????: “Looking for materia? Cause I checked, it doesn’t grow in the ground.”
(locke looks up to find yuffie standing there)
Locke: “Materia? What? No. I’m looking for something good. Something expensive. That’s why I shelled out ten bucks to rent this metal detector. But so far all I’ve found is a bunch of these stupid things that Shadow’s dog keeps burying!” *throws shriuken to the ground*
Yuffie: “I’m a ninja and I *still* think that guy’s weird.”
Locke: “I’m his friend, but join the club.”
Yuffie: “So why did you get a metal detector? I thought you were a great thief.”
Locke: “Treasure hunter!!”
Yuffie: *huffs* “Treasure hunter. WhatEVER. Anyway, if you’re so great, why do you need this thing?”
Locke: “If you’re such a great thief, why do you have to steal from your friends?”
Yuffie: “Because they’re easy targets!”
Locke: *blink blink* “Oh. Wasn’t expecting that answer.”
Yuffie: “Well you want some help? I could dig. It would go a lot faster…”
Locke: *suspicious* “What kind of cut do you want?”
Yuffie: “Fifty/fifty.”
Locke: “Seventy/thirty.”
Yuffie: “Sixty/fifty!”
Locke: “That doesn’t even add up right.”
Yuffie: “Sixty/forty!”
Locke: “Sixty-five /thirty-five. And that’s my final offer.”
Yuffie: *sigh* “Fine! Give me the shovel.”
(and off they go to dig up the backyard.)
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(meanwhile, at the castle next door, d, dracula, alucard and dante are all sitting around the kitchen table. alucard could not look more bored. dante seems interested in the conversation. dracula and d are talking)
D: “So then I said I think *you’ve* seen too many sunsets! I mean really. What kind of vampire does that?”
Dracula: *hysterical laughing* “That is the funniest story I’ve ever heard!”
Alucard: “This is ridiculous. You can’t have possibly followed that whole story, dad. You can’t even remember two words I say.”
Dracula: “What? Little Draky, please tell the maid to go buff my spurs.”
Alucard: “I’m not the maid! I’m your son!”
Dracula: “Don’t be silly! Little Draky is my son!”
Alucard: “So am I!”
Dracula: *blink blink*
D: “It’s true. We’re both your sons.”
Dracula: “Oh. Well I like Little Draky better.”
(alucard turns so red with anger it looks like he’s about to explode)
Alucard: *through clenched teeth* “Excuse me a moment.”
(he stomps out. dante quickly gets up and follows him.)
Alucard: “That’s it! I’m going to go across the street, get one of the Belmont’s, and make them kill my brother!”
Dante: “Send them after mine too while you’re at it.”
Alucard: “I’m not joking, Dante! I really can’t stand him! When he talks dad can follow a whole long story that’s not even funny, but when I ask him to pick up his shoes, he throws a donkey out the window instead.”
Dante: “Where the donkey came from is also a concern.”
Alucard: “I have to do something about it. I have to get rid of him.”
Dante: *shrugs* “Just push him in the sunlight. That’s a quick death.”
Alucard: “…I’m not really going to kill him.”
Dante: “I didn’t think so.”
Alucard: “I just have to figure out a way to make him want to leave and never, ever come back.”
Dante: “Yeah, but—“
(but before dante can finish, dracula and d come into the room.)
D: “There you are, brother! I want you to show me around the house!”
Dracula: “I would, but I get lost in it all the time! I’m not even sure where I am right now!”
Alucard: “I don’t really—“
Dracula: “Do it, Alucard! Or I’ll have you fired!”
Alucard: “…You can’t fire me, dad. I’m your *son*.”
Dracula: “You’ll be someone else’s son if you keep talking to me like that!” *loudly whispers to d* “You just can’t trust your help these days!”
Alucard: *glares* “Fine. We’ll start with the basement. Be sure to watch the torture devices. Wouldn’t want to get accidentally sealed away for all eternity.”
Dante: “Sounds like a bad vacation.”
Dracula: “I love vacations! There’s always a margarita!”
D: “Did I ever tell you about the time I went to Alaska on vacation? Now there’s a funny story.”
Dracula: “I love your stories, Little Draky!”
(alucard gives dante a painful look as they all head downstairs to the basement.)
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(meanwhile, back over at the ramble room, zidane and bryatt are hard at work…hard at work washing the bottoms of algus’ shoes…and he has a LOT of shoes. neither of them look too happy. algus sits in the background watching tv and sipping on a drink)
Algus: “And when you’re done with the closed toe shoes, I have sandals. I don’t wear them ever but I still think they should be cleaned.”
Zidane: *mutters* “And I think you should get a hard kick in the ass.”
Bryatt: “That’s much too kind.”
Algus: “Quiet down over there! I’m trying to watch my stock program!”
(he goes back to the tv. bryatt and zidane lean in towards one another and talk quietly)
Zidane: “Thanks for helping me.”
Bryatt: “I can’t take much more of this. What is he paying you in?”
Zidane: “Hershey’s Kisses. I’m up to 5 an hour now!”
Bryatt: “Why do you keep doing this? He treats you like crap, he pays you in CANDY – what is the appeal here??”
Zidane: “I have a tail. It’s hard to get work.”
Bryatt: “I’m sure you can find *something*.”
Zidane: “I also never finished school, and it kind of shows.”
Bryatt: “You can find something else! At the very least you shouldn’t let Algus have this kind of power over a person!”
Zidane: “That’s what he thinks. He doesn’t know I spit in his breakfast porridge.”
Bryatt: “There must be something else you’re good at besides…besides nothing!”
Zidane: “I was kinda good at stripping…but they don’t need any more dancers right now.”
Bryatt: “Being a stripper’s like being the President next to this job.”
Algus: “More scrubbing and less conversing! I want to be able to eat off the soles of those shoes, even though I would never even consider it!”
Bryatt: “I will convince you that you can do better than this.”
Zidane: “It’s been a long time, Bryatt. I think I’ve pretty much just died inside by now.”
Bryatt: “You must have a breaking point, Zidane. Everybody does. And I think you’re closer to it than you think.”
Zidane: “What? Sorry. I have a ringing in my ears from when Algus honked the car horn at me. I fell asleep inside the hood trying to refill the windshield washer fluid.”
Bryatt: *shakes head and mutters to himself* “Oh yeah. Real close.”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(back to lloyd’s mismatched group. they are sitting on the sidewalk already looking discouraged)
Lloyd: “I know! We could groom dogs! Tons of people have those stupid things!”
Nightmare: “Nightmare gotten bitten by a dog as a child!”
Lloyd: “…*Were* you a child? I thought you were just a possessed suit of armor.”
Nightmare: “Nightmare has a complex past!”
Lloyd: “Fine, whatever! Why am I the only one trying to think up ideas!?”
Nemesis: “STARS!”
Nightmare: “No! We do not have time to go to the yarn store!”
Lloyd: “What about a freak show? You two would be pretty good in a freak show! I could be your manager!”
Nightmare and Nemesis: *glare at lloyd*
Lloyd: “Uh…okay. Never mind.”
Nightmare: “This is wasting time! Nightmare could be perfecting modern dance routine!”
Lloyd: *snaps fingers* “I got it! Dracula! He’s weird! He’ll have something for us to do! And if he doesn’t, he’s so stupid we’ll make him think he’s already hired us for something! You’re a genius, Nelo Angelo! A genius!”
Nemesis: “STARS?”
Lloyd: *frowns* “For the last time that’s my name now! Now follow me!”
(so he leads the group over to dracula’s house and they ring the bell. moments later who answers the door, dante. lloyd’s face falls immediately)
Lloyd: “Dante?! What the hell are you doing here?”
Dante: “My boyfriend lives here, remember? I know it’s kind of hard for someone like you to realize that other people have a life.”
Lloyd: “Not funny, Dante! Where’s Dracula? Why didn’t he answer?”
Dante: “Because it’s sunny out. Vampires aren’t big fans of the light. What do you want?”
Lloyd: “I wanna see Dracula! We have an appointment!”
Dante: “We? And appointment? None of that makes sense.”
Lloyd: “Shut up, Dante! Where’s Dracula?”
Dante: “He’s inside. And who should I say is here to see him? Nero Angela and his freak show?”
Lloyd: “It’s *Nelo* Angel*o*, you jackass! And we’re not a freak show!”
Nemesis: “STARS!”
Lloyd: “Stay outta this!”
Alucard’s voice: “Dante, who’s at the door?”
Dante: “The idiot formerly known as Vergil.”
Lloyd: “I have an appointment!”
Alucard’s voice: “An appointment?”
Lloyd: “Yeah! With Dracula! He wants to hire our company: Triple N Incorporated!”
Dante: “What’s the N stand for? Nitwit? Nimrod? Nerd?”
Lloyd: “No! All our names start with N! And there are three of us! I made it up!”
Dante: “Of course you did. That’s why it sucks.”
Lloyd: “ARGH!!! I have an appointment!! You don’t even live here, Dante!”
Alucard’s voice: “Dad, did you have an appointment with Triple N Incorporated?”
Dracula’s voice: “I don’t even know what an appointment is!”
Alucard’s voice: “That’s what I thought.”
Lloyd: “Damn senile son of a bitch! We had one! I’m telling you we did!”
Nightmare: “Nightmare not sure what’s going on!”
Nemesis: “STARS!”
Dante: “Nice try, Nero Angela. Thanks for playing. See you next time!”
(and with that, dante slams the door in lloyd’s face. lloyd is so angry his face has turned beet red)
Lloyd: “It’s NELO ANGELO!!!!!!!!!!”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(over at what is soon to be franswa’s restaurant, rufus is standing outside with a hard hat overseeing the construction. he is also talking on his cell phone. franswa, hugh and bria walk over.)
Rufus: “What do you mean the pay is too low? I am offering a fair salary! …Well they sell a lot of Big Macs! I’m just a simple man taking a chance on a business I believe in. This is my dream here! I could lose everything! ……Hello?” *frowns* “Dammit.” *hangs up* “Guess I’m not as good an actor as I think I am.”
Bria: “Hi, Rufus!”
Rufus: “Oh, hey there. Anyone want a job?”
Franswa: “Having trouble finding a staff?”
Rufus: “Only because no one is good enough to work for me.” *his cell phone rings* “Just a minute.” *answers it* “Hello? …Yes, I still have positions available for the restaurant. ………No, I never paid anyone in buttons and then took it back. That’s insane!” *pause* “I once took someone’s button they had gotten as a tip, but they had that coming!” *pause* “Hello?” *hangs up* “I’m too damn honest!” *to the others* “So – job anyone?”
Bria: “No, I’ll pass thanks.”
Hugh: “Um, no.”
Rufus: “Your loss.”
Franswa: “This building looks like it’s almost done.”
Rufus: “It is. We’ll be working on the interior soon.”
Hugh: “How can you have a building built so quickly?”
Rufus: “Lots of greased palms and relaxed building codes.”
Bria: “Doesn’t sound exactly legal…”
Rufus: “It is. Marginally so, but it is. I don’t pay those lawyers for nothing!”
Bria: “I can’t wait to see the inside that Hugh designed.”
Rufus: “It is pretty impressive looking. I didn’t think you had that in you, Hugh.”
Hugh: “What? Being a girly wuss who knows how to match up a few colors?!”
Rufus: “…No. Talent.”
Hugh: “Oh.” *blink blink*
(rufus’ cell phone rings again)
Rufus: “Excuse me.” *answers* “Hello? ……Excellent, yes! There are still positions available. ………Well, no. ……………Why would you need health insurance anyway? No one ever gets sick or hurt working for me!” *pause* “Hello?” *frowns* “Greedy son of a—ooh! Another call!” *answers* “Hello? ………Yes, I still need people. ……………*No* this place is not going to burn down! That’s not even funny! Who is this? Is this you, Reno? Consider yourself fired for twenty minutes!” *hangs up*
Everyone: “…………………………”
Franswa: “…You *sure* this restaurant is going to have a staff?”
Rufus: “Of course it will! Don’t be silly! Everyone wants to work for me!”
Bria: “Really?”
Rufus: *frowns* “No need to get snotty, Bria.”
Bria: “Sorry. Old habits die hard I guess.”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(back in loser land…hojo is sitting at the kitchen table, his head in his hands. lucretia is talking to him. nida and seymour are watching tv. heidegger and stinky are looking through a magazine)
Lucretia: “I’m disappointed in you, Alexander. You were so committed to science once. Now look at you. That was a sorry excuse for a lab.”
Hojo: “All my experiments end up ruined by these idiots in the end.”
Nida: “Stop trying to use us for your test subjects, ya freak!”
Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Food ad!” *rips it out and eats it*
Stinky: *sigh*
Lucretia: “You must be hiding something you don’t want to show me.”
Hojo: “Yes, but it’s not science related.” *pause* “Well, not directly.”
Lucretia: “You’re hiding something from me! Is it a secret project you’ve been working on?”
Hojo: “I’m not showing you any more of my work, Lucretia. I’m not even sure why you’re so interested in it.”
Lucretia: “…Fine. Be that way. I’m just going to go use your computer.”
(she leaves the room. hojo hurries after her.)
Hojo: “Wait a minute! You can’t just use my computer! Everything’s password protected!”
(he follows her out)
Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! ‘Cause everything’s porn!”
Seymour: *sigh* “Do you think I’m pretty?”
Nida: *looks from side to side and then behind him* “…Are you talking to me?”
Seymour: “Yes.”
Nida: “Ew! I don’t know! Don’t ask me that question!”
(scarlet walks into the room)
Seymour: “Scarlet, am I pretty?”
Scarlet: *shrugs* “You’re not ugly. Especially when you’re sitting near Heidegger.”
Heidegger: “I make everyone more attractive! Gya haa haa!”
Seymour: “Maybe I should get some new make-up.”
Nida: “Yeah. Make-up that covers veins.”
Seymour: “You should get some tape to cover your mouth.”
Scarlet: *laughs*
Nida: *frowns* “Oh-oh yeah? Well…well you’re so ugly no make-up could make you look good, Scarlet!”
Scarlet: “…Seymour just insulted you, Nida. You’re supposed to insult him back. Not insult me for laughing.”
Nida: “I’ll do what I want!”
Seymour: “Maybe I need some new clothes… Although Kuja did help me pick out some nice stuff…”
Nida: *rolls eyes* “Seymour loves Kuja!”
Seymour: “Shut your face! You love Scarlet!”
Nida: *freezes* “No I don’t! Shut up! You love…you love Hojo!”
Heidegger: “No one loves Hojo! Gya haa haa!”
Scarlet: “If you are both done fighting like a couple of second graders, I’m going to take my medications.”
Nida: “See you in a few hours, whore!” *pause* “Whore who I don’t like!”
(scarlet leaves.)
Seymour: “…Nice one.”
Nida: “At least I don’t have veins on my already ugly face!”
Seymour: “Faker!”
Nida: “Flamer!”
Heidegger: “We’re all unloveable! Gya haa haa!”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(back to sephiroth and twilight, they are standing around their petition)
Sephiroth: “She can’t refuse to look at our petition now! I mean I got Reeve and Tseng to sign! How smart am I?”
Twilight: “I still think we should make up people and sign their names.”
Sephiroth: “No! That’s not going to work! Lark’s not going to believe we got tons of people she doesn’t know to sign our petition.”
Twilight: “We could have tons of friends she doesn’t know about!”
Sephiroth: “Yeah, unfortunately she’s not that stupid. Now who should we get to sign next…?”
(opal walks over)
Opal: “There you are, Twily! What are you two up to?”
Twilight: “Opal! You’re just the beautiful girl we wanted to see!”
Opal: *blushes* “Oh? What’s up?”
Sephiroth: “Sign this.” *shoves petition at her*
Opal: *blink blink* “What is it?”
Twilight: “It’s to save the kittens! The sick, starving kittens! And who doesn’t want to save them?”
Opal: *frowns* “This says it’s for getting rid of Auron.”
Twilight: “That’s just to trick the people who don’t want to save the sick, starving kittens.”
Sephiroth: “Those bastards!”
Opal: “…Are you *lying* to me, Twilight?”
Twilight: “I would never lie to you, baby!”
Opal: “Because I know when you’re lying.”
Twilight: “…Okay, so maybe it’s really to get rid of Auron. But he hurts people! Sephiroth is suffering every day he’s around!”
Sephiroth: “I have a really bad cough. I’m pretty sure I’m allergic to him. I could go into shock and die.”
Opal: “I think you’re both overreacting.”
Twilight: “What?! I never overreact to anything!!”
Opal: “I’m not going to sign it. I just don’t think it’s nice.” *kisses twilight on the cheek* “See you later, sweetie!”
(She walks away. sephiroth looks at twilight)
Sephiroth: “…She’s too nice.”
Twilight: *writes something on the petition*
Sephiroth: “What did you just write?”
Twilight: “I forged her signature.”
Sephiroth: “You forged *her* signature? You barely have one for yourself!”
Twilight: “Hey! Sometimes Opal makes me sign for her credit card! I had to learn!”
Sephiroth: “Why didn’t you just do that in the first place?”
Twilight: *shrugs* “I don’t know. Laziness.”
Sephiroth: “Well let’s keep going. There are a lot more people that have to sign this thing.”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(meanwhile, still scarred from their run in with cousin maxwell, lark, Ashley and shell walk into a gamestop store and start to look around. by the way, I can make fun of gamestop employees because I used to work there, Brady used to work there and so have a bunch of my friends.)
Lark: “Look around. They’ve gotta have something.”
Shell: “Um…the employees are staring at us like they’ve never seen a girl before.”
Ashley: “They probably haven’t. Not one that isn’t their mom anyway.”
Lark: “Just ignore them and look!”
(so they split up and start to look around. the three employees in the store each head for a different girl.)
Worker 1: *to shell* “Can I help you?”
Shell: “NO.”
Worker 1: “Looking for anything in particular?”
Shell: “No. I don’t even really like games. Is there a Coach store in this mall?”
Worker 1: “Coach? Like one that’s pulled by a horse? That’s kinda out of style!” *laughs*
Shell: “I’m going away from you now.”
(meanwhile, over to Ashley…)
Worker 2: “Looking for a specific game?”
Ashley: “…Just looking.”
Worker 2: *pulls a bratz game off the shelf* “This is a good game for girls.”
Ashley: *pauses* “…Wow. You know what else is a good game? Trying to restrain myself from killing you. It’s a hard one, though.”
(and over to lark)
Worker 3: “So…you like video games?”
Lark: “Yeah.”
Worker 3: “Yeah?! What kind of games do you like?”
Lark: “Like RPG, Action/Adventure, that kind of thing.”
Worker 3: “Do you like Halo?”
Lark: “No.”
Worker 3: “Halo is the freakin’ awesomest game in the universe. I can’t wait until another one comes out for 360! 360 rules!”
Lark: *inches away* “Yeah…do you have any Playstations?”
Worker 3: “Playstations?” *snort* “No. We don’t sell any of that anymore.”
Lark: “You don’t? Why?”
Worker 3: “Because it’s so two generations ago.”
Lark: “You were still selling Super Nintendo games not that long ago!”
Worker 3: “No Playstation stuff. Sorry. You want an Xbox 360?”
Lark: “Let’s get out of here, girls!”
Shell: “Gladly!”
(they all rush out of the store)
Ashley: “That was the skeeviest Gamestop on the planet.”
Shell: “How can you not know what Coach is?”
Lark: “Well that was another dead end. They don’t sell any Playstation stuff anymore.”
Ashley: “What? But there are so many awesome Playstation games!”
Lark: “I know. But they don’t have any. Now what?”
Shell: “Why don’t we just go the source? Sony itself. They’ve gotta have *something* lying around.”
Lark: “Shell! Great idea!”
Shell: “Great enough to award me with a Coach purse?”
Lark: “Not that great. Let’s go.”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(back across the street from the ramble room, our favorite stealth commando is hiding in the bushes as usual. he’s looking across the street watching locke and yuffie dig up the yard)
Snake: “Otakon! It appears there are terrorists across the street again! Now they’re looking for a good place to bury a bomb! They could take the whole block out! I must investigate!”
(taking the bush with him, snake sneaks across the street to the other side of the ramble room. he peers around the corner at them. shadow is standing nearby with interceptor. at first he doesn’t notice snake and snake doesn’t give him a second look)
Shadow: *sings* “My doggy! My doggy! Wherever I go, he goes! My doggy! My doggy! My doggy and me!”
Interceptor: *happy bark*
Snake: *softly* “Otakon! There is a stupid ninja singing to his dog. It is making hearing the terrorists difficult.”
Shadow: *blink blink*
(cautiously, shadow gets down on his hands and knees and crawls over to the bush. just as he’s right next to him, snake spins around)
Snake: “Otakon! I’ve been spotted! Should I swallow my suicide pill?”
Shadow: “It’s you!”
Snake: “How do you know who I am?”
Shadow: “You’re…you’re really good at hiding.”
Snake: “Otakon! Should I take the suicide pill now?”
Shadow: “I try my best but I think I’m overdoing it! My best friend thinks I’m a weirdo!”
Snake: “Does no answer mean yes, Otakon?!”
Shadow: “Please! I’m begging you! You have to teach me your ways!”
Snake: “You’re lucky I haven’t already snapped your neck.”
Shadow: “See! Now that’s the kind of cool phrase I should be using!”
(interceptor comes over and barks happily)
Snake: “What’s that? A terrorist midget disguised as a dog?”
Shadow: “No, he’s my pet.”
Snake: “Is he trained to kill?”
Shadow: “Uh…yeah! You bet he is!”
Interceptor: *licks snake*
Snake: “You’re a poor liar.”
Shadow: “He’s just trying to get a taste of your flesh!”
Snake: “Pathetic. You’re beyond help! No go away before I kill you! I’m on important government business!”
Otakon: “Snake? You still there? For gods sake take the damn suicide pill! Please! That way you can stop calling me!”
Snake: “Negative, Otakon. Crisis adverted. I’m back at my post.”
Otakon: *whines* “Dammit!”
Shadow: “I’ll show you I’m worthy! I’ll prove to you that I’m a great ninja!”
Locke: *looks over* “Hey, Shadow. What’cha up to?”
Shadow: “Nobody sees me!” *dives to the ground*
Yuffie and Locke: *blink blink*
Yuffie: “What the hell was that about?”
Locke: “You tell me.”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(meanwhile, back to barret and red. they have picked up bugenhagen and are off to their destination. barret is driving)
Barret: “Good thing you dragged my ass along, poodle! No way you’d be gettin’ to dis here planetarium any other way! You can’t be drivin’! And I ain’t even sure grandpa there got feet!”
Bugenhagen: “Ho ho ho! Feet are for standing.”
Red: “I did not ask you to come along. You forced your way along.”
Barret: “Shu’ up, arachnophobia! I ain’t even asked you fo’ gas money!”
Red: “Do you even know what arachnophobia even remotely is?”
Bugenhagen: “Ho ho ho! I’m hurtling through space!”
Red: *sigh* “Grandfather, did the doctor up your medications again?”
Bugenhagen: “Ho ho ho! Pills every color of the rainbow!”
Barret: “Don’t be mad at him just ‘cause he be happy and you be a depressing freak!”
Red: “…Thanks for the endearing description. I almost wish you would crash the car and kill us all.”
Barret: “We gonna have a great old time at dis here planetarium!” *pause* “What kinda sport we seein’?”
Red: “I could always jump out the window…”
Bugenhagen: “Ho ho ho…I’m wearing a diaper.”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(meanwhile, edgar and setzer come to algus’ room. zidane is blocking the doorway on his hands and knees combing the carpet. edgar just steps over him and goes inside. setzer stops and looking down at him for a moment)
Setzer: “…You’re not.”
Zidane: “Oh, I am!”
Setzer: “Why?”
Zidane: “He’s your friend! You tell me!”
(with a sigh, setzer also steps over zidane and goes into the room. algus is sitting at a desk surrounded by lots of financial looking papers)
Edgar: “Hello, Algus.”
Algus: “Hello, friends! To what do I owe the pleasure?”
Edgar: “Well…I have a small problem, and I thought you might be able to assist me. You always seem to come up with such good ideas.”
Algus: “I’m glad to be of help! What is your problem?”
Setzer: “Edgar needs to have a kid.”
Algus: *blink blink*
Edgar: *glares at setzer* “Thanks for putting it so *bluntly*.” *to algus* “What Setzer should have said is that I am in need of an heir. An heir that must be of noble blood through and through. So that means I must father the child. And it must be born of a woman with some status.”
Algus: “Of course! You wouldn’t want the child of a king born from some peasant filth like Zidane!”
Zidane: “I’m not a girl, Algus!”
Edgar: “I knew you would understand. And I knew you would also understand that since I am already married…this is rather an awkward situation.”
Algus: “True, but there is always a way! As long as you have money there is always a way! If I understood correctly Rufus’ wife had her first child by purchasing genetic material off that creepy doctor who lives with that band of freaks.”
Setzer: “Hojo?”
Algus: “Yes! That’s the deviant’s name! From what I understand he has basically everyone’s.”
Edgar and Setzer: *look disgusted*
Zidane: “That’s Hojo for you!”
Algus: “Zidane! What did I say about speaking to my company?”
Zidane: “You can’t cut out my tongue, Algus! Then who will taste your stupid porridge to make sure it isn’t poisoned?”
Algus: “But if I were you, I would check with him. Perhaps some lonely noble lady has already purchased your sperm and bore a child.”
Edgar: *thoughtfully* “I never would have thought of that. Thank you, Algus. I knew you would be a help.”
Algus: “I’m happy to be of assistance.”
(then they hear voices from outside the room)
Twilight’s voice: “Why can’t I come in with you?”
Sephiroth’s voice: “No! Do you want them to sign or not? Because I want them to sign. And they won’t sign if they think you’re in this with me.”
Twilight’s voice: “Why the hell not? Do they know who I am?!”
Sephiroth’s voice: “Just stay here!”
(sephiroth then strides into the room, smiling widely and clutching his clipboard. he steps right over zidane, who scowls at him, before coming into the room)
Sephiroth: “Algus! Edgar! Setzer! You have to sign this. We have to stop this right now!”
Setzer: “Stop what?”
Sephiroth: “The life of a rich man hangs in the balance.”
Algus: “I’ll sign right now!”
(he does. sephiroth then hands it to edgar)
Sephiroth: “Thank you, Algus. Edgar?”
Edgar: *trying to read* “What is this about exactly?”
Sephiroth: “Time is running out here!”
Edgar: “I’m sorry, but I can’t sign anything until I read it. And your hand is blocking the whole point of this petition.”
Algus: “Who is this rich man in trouble?”
Sephiroth: *big sigh* “It’s me. The petition is to get Auron kicked out of the ramble room. In case you must know…” *shaky breath* “He’s been trying to steal my money. So I really think he should go.”
Algus: “Steal your money?? Unbelievable! Let’s string him up by his peasant neck right now!”
Sephiroth: “No…it’s all right. I’d rather be the bigger person here. So will you please sign?”
Edgar: “Certainly. Sorry I doubted you.”
(edgar and setzer both sign. sephiroth happily takes the clipboard back)
Sephiroth: “I knew I could count on you. Thanks.”
Algus: “Anything to save a rich man’s money!”
(sephiroth goes to leave)
Zidane: “You didn’t ask me to sign!”
Sephiroth: *blink blink* “Can you even write?”
Zidane: “Yes!”
Sephiroth: “Okay, sign.” *holds out clipboard*
Zidane: *crosses arms* “I don’t think I want to now.”
Algus: “Sign, Zidane! Or you’ll be unclogging my toilet by hand!”
Zidane: “I’ll sign!”
(he does. then sephiroth leaves with his clipboard)
Twilight’s voice: “You totally fooled those idiots!”
Sephiroth’s voice: “Shush! They’ll hear you! Let’s keep going!”
(their footsteps can be heard leaving.)
Edgar “…Uh, anyway, I guess we’ll go see Hojo now.”
Algus: “Good luck!”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(back at the land full of losers, otherwise known as loser land, nida has piles of papers and crap all over the floor. heidegger waddles in)
Heidegger: “That’s a bigger mess than the one I just left in the bathroom! Gya haa haa!”
Nida: “Ew!! And I’m not making a mess, you idiot! I’m cleaning! All this crap was shoved into the file cabinet!”
Heidegger: “I’ll go clean the kitchen by eating everything! Gya haa haa!”
Nida: “No, you lard ass! I just finished cleaning it!” *picks up some pictures* “Why are there so many pictures of Sunshine in here? Not like she’s not hot, but the clothes she’s got on seem kinda outdated and skanky.”
Heidegger: *looks at the picture* “That’s not Sunshine! Gya haa haa! That’s Scarlet! Gya haa haa!”
Nida: *wide eyes* “What? No way! She looks like a model!”
Heidegger: “She used to have standards! Gya haa haa!”
Nida: *stares at the picture* “…Wow. She was beautiful.”
Heidegger: “Before she was diseased! Gya haa haa!”
Nida: “Hey! Don’t insult her when she’s not here! What’s the fun in that!?”
Heidegger: “You don’t have to hide it! Gya haa haa! I could give you love advice!”
Nida: “Hide what?? I don’t know what you’re talking about! And I would never take love advice from you! I’d sooner take it from your skunk!”
Stinky: *snort*
(hojo comes in with scarlet)
Hojo: “Lucretia is going through my whole computer! She’s convinced I’m hiding something from her!”
Nida: “She’s lost it. Call the cops.”
Hojo and Scarlet: “NO!!”
Nida: *rolls eyes* “Then call the nut house then.”
Scarlet: “Why is my stuff all over the floor?”
Nida: “This is your stuff? You had it shoved in that cabinet like garbage!”
Scarlet: “It pretty much is garbage!”
Nida: “What? Why? There are a lot of pictures of you in here!” *goes to pick up one and show it to her*
Scarlet: *turns away* “No! Leave it! Put it all back!”
(She storms out of the room. nida stands there frowning)
Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Her boobs used to be real!”
Hojo: “What am I going to do with her? I can’t call the cops, and I can’t call the nut house, I’m trapped! Trapped in my house and lab!”
Nida: “Why can’t you call the nut house?”
Hojo: “I sold them some bad drugs. Instead of stopping hallucinations, it caused more of them. One patient thought he was a lion. It didn’t end well.”
Nida: *looks horrified*
Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! More reasons not to call the cops!”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(squall and rinoa are sitting in the ramble room. rinoa has a laptop computer on her lap and is looking at a site. squall looks totally not interested)
Rinoa: “Ooh, this one is beautiful, Squall! Isn’t this one beautiful?”
Squall: “…Whatever.”
Rinoa: “Oh, look at this one. This one is really nice. Look how many carats it is. But it’s not too expensive.”
Squall: “……………”
Rinoa: “Or this one! This one is perfect! Look at the setting! Wow! That is stunning! Isn’t it stunning, Squall?”
Squall: *sigh* “…Whatever.”
Rinoa: *frowns* “Squall! Why won’t you look at rings with me?”
Squall: “…Because it’s boring.”
Rinoa: “Squall, we’ve been together a long time now! And you never, ever think about getting married!”
Squall: *shrugs* “Whatever.”
Rinoa: “Argh! I can’t believe you Squall! After all we’ve been through together!”
(she goes to stomp out but runs into sephiroth and twilight)
Sephiroth: “Sign my petition!”
Rinoa: “No! I hate men right now!”
Sephiroth: “This petition is about hating a man.”
Rinoa: “Then sign me up!”
(She quickly signs and leaves. squall sighs and shakes his head)
Twilight: “You get your girlfriend mad at you? My girlfriend never gets mad at me because I’m perfect!”
Sephiroth: “She gets mad at you all the time!”
Twilight: “She gets annoyed! There’s a difference!”
Squall: “…I don’t wanna talk about it.”
Sephiroth: “That’s fine, I don’t really wanna hear about it. Just sign my petition.”
Squall: *reaches for the pen* “Whatever.”
Sephiroth: *smiles* “I thought you’d say that.”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(back at alucard’s, al comes into the kitchen to find dante is on the phone)
Alucard: “Well that was the tour from hell. Dad got lost and locked himself in a closet that didn’t even have a lock on it. You answer that one.”
Dante: *chuckles*
Alucard: *frowns* “Who are you calling?”
Dante: “Nelo Angelo. Here.” *tosses him another phone* “It’s still ringing.”
(alucard puts the phone to his ear and lloyd answers)
Lloyd: “Hello?”
Dante: *disguising his voice* “Yes, is this Triple N Incorporated?”
Lloyd: *excitedly* “Yes!”
Dante: “I’m a scientist and I’m doing some food experiments. I’m looking to pay some people to eat this food.”
Lloyd: *eagerly* “I can eat food!”
Dante: “I have to warn you it’s not normal food. So you’ll need to have a strong stomach.”
Lloyd: “No problem! We’re totally strong!” *whispering* “It’s some scientist who will pay us to eat stuff!”
Nemesis’ voice: “STARS!”
Nightmare’s voice: “Nightmare has to watch what he puts in his body! Won’t make dance team otherwise!”
Lloyd: “Shush! Shut up! We’re doing it!” *back to phone* “We’ll do it!”
Dante: “So you don’t mind eating whatever I put in front of you?”
Lloyd: “Nope!”
Dante: “Even if it’s vomit?”
Lloyd: “Uh, vomit?”
Dante: “Or animal feces?”
Lloyd: “Animal *what*?”
Dante: *snorts trying not to laugh* “Okay, I’ll just need your name.”
Lloyd: *proudly* “It’s Nelo Angelo!”
Dante: “…I’m sorry, what’s your name?”
Lloyd: “Nelo Angelo.”
Dante: “Nero?”
Lloyd: “No, Ne*lo*.”
Dante: “Lilo?”
Lloyd: “*Ne*lo!”
Dante: “Kilo?”
Lloyd: “Omg! It’s freakin’ NELO! Nelo Angelo! How hard is that?!”
Dante: “…It’s not so much hard as it is stupid.”
Lloyd: “Hey! You’re stupid!”
Dante: *gasp* “How dare you! I’m one of the most highly respected food scientists in the world!”
Lloyd: *stumbling* “Uh, oops! I’m really sorry! I didn’t mean that Mr. scientist sir!”
Dante: “Apologize right now!”
Lloyd: “I’m sorry! I’m really, really sorry!”
Dante: “Say you’re a stupid idiot and I am way better than you.”
Lloyd: *mutters* “…I’m a stupid idiot and you’re way better than me.”
Dante: *grins* “Thanks, Lloyd. Bye!”
Lloyd: “DANTE?! Damn you, Dant—“
(dante hangs up laughing. alucard hangs up and shakes his head)
Dante: “Priceless.”
Alucard: “I wish I had your leisure time.”
Dante: “Sorry I ducked out on the tour.”
Alucard: “It’s okay. No sense in two of us suffering.”
Dante: “Where’s your family now?”
Alucard: “Dad is still showing him the skeletons in his closet.”
Dante: “That’s an ironic sentence.”
Alucard: “Anyway, I think I’ve finally come up with a great idea to get D to leave.”
Dante: “What’s that?”
Alucard: *big breath* “I’m going to tell him that dad is a crazed lunatic who is trying to destroy all humans.”
Dante: *blink blink*
Alucard: “What?”
Dante: “Al…I love you, but do you really think that’s the best plan?”
Alucard: “D doesn’t really like vampires as it is! If he thinks dad is evil, he’s sure to leave!”
Dante: “But look at your dad…”
Alucard: “Shush! Here they come!”
(dracula and d enter)
D: “You sure have a lot of skeletons in that closet.”
Dracula: “I get more every year!”
Alucard: “D. You’re back. I really think you and I need to talk.”
D: “Sure, brother! I think it’s about time you and I had a real heart to heart!”
Alucard: *grimaces* “Uh, right. Come over here a minute.”
(he and d go to the other side of the room.)
Alucard: “I need to tell you something very important.”
D: “Is something wrong?”
Alucard: “You could say that.” *dramatic pause* “It’s about dad.”
D: “Something’s wrong with dad?”
Alucard: “Yes…in a sense.” *another dramatic pause* “You see, D… Dad…he…he’s evil.”
D: “What?”
Alucard: “As upsetting as it’s been, dad…he’s been trying to destroy all humans now for ages. That’s all he ever talks about. I’ve been trying to stop him, but I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up. I’m only one vampire/human hybrid. And I don’t think having you around helps. I think it makes him all the more evil. If you go, it’ll be easier to keep him in check because my human soul confuses him.”
D: *totally confused* “What?”
Alucard: “Can’t you see how evil he is??”
(they both look over to where dracula has a pear in hand and is making it talk to dante in a squeaky voice. dante looks totally bored)
Dracula: “I’m a green fruit! I grow up from the ground and then I get used for tennis and roller coasters!”
D: *looks confused back at alucard*
Alucard: “See? Totally evil.”
Hand: “Yeah, okay, my little pony head. And I’m a calendar!”
Alucard: “Did your *hand* just insult me?”
D: “Sorry. I have no control over his words.”
Alucard: “He called me my little pony head!”
Hand: “Have you seen your own hair lately?”
Alucard: “Not really! I’m part vampire! Why, does it look bad?”
Hand: “Oh boy. Shouldn’t have said anything.”
D: “Look, Alucard, maybe dad used to be evil back in the day, but he’s harmless as a kitty now! Look at him!”
(dracula now has the pear on dante’s shoulder, and is still talking to him using it)
Dracula: “I think pinwheels are cuddly!” *pause* “Did someone mention a kitty? Alucard, didn’t we used to have one of those? And didn’t I eat it?” *bursts into tears* “That poor kitty!!! It tasted so good!!”
Alucard: *runs a hand over his face* “Ugh…”
D: *goes to leave the room* “Dad, let’s go watch some TV.”
Dracula: “Yay! I love TV!” *following* “What’s a TV?”
(they leave. dante comes over and puts an arm around alucard’s shoulders)
Dante: “I tried to warn you. But your dad just does not pull the evil thing off well.”
Alucard: “I have to think of something. I have to get him out of this house!”
Dante: “At least you didn’t have to talk to a pear.” *shakes head* “Always an adventure at your place.”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(franswa, hugh and bria return to the belmont house)
Bria: “Wow! I can’t get over how cool that restaurant looks! And it’s not even done yet!”
Franswa: “Yeah, I’m pretty happy with it.”
Bria: “And Hugh – those drawings you made of the inside! They’re incredible! Why didn’t you ever tell me you had a talent like that?”
Hugh: “Shush! Don’t talk about it here!”
Bria: “What? Why?”
Hugh: *whispers* “I don’t want my family to find out I did stupid interior designing!”
Bria: “It’s not stupid!”
Hugh: “Yes it is! I’m a vampire hunter! Not a pansy ass, gay, girly girl who likes to draw pictures of rooms!”
Bria: *jaw drops* “Hugh, that is such a stereotype! Interior designers are very smart and creative people!”
Hugh: “Stop it! I’m not creative! The only creative thing I do is think up ways to kill Dracula!”
Bria: “You are acting like such a child! Why can’t you be proud of something you did?”
Hugh: “Stop talking about it already!”
Bria: *angry* “Fine! Then stop calling me!”
(she storms out. hugh slumps down on the steps with his head in his hands. franswa just looks confused)
Franswa: “…What just happened here?”
Hugh: *sigh* “I knew she was too good for me…”
Franswa: “Hugh, she’s got a point.”
Hugh: “Don’t go agreeing with her! You don’t know what you’re talking about, Franswa!”
Franswa: “Right. Because I don’t have any talents the family considers girly at all. I’ve always been totally accepted around here.”
Hugh: “More accepted than me! And I actually *like* hunting vampires!”
Franswa: “Nobody said you could only do one thing with your life.”
Hugh: “I do if I ever wanna be a legend in this family!”
(he then stalks upstairs and you can hear a door slam. franswa sighs)
Franswa: “He’s a lost cause.”
(the doorbell rings. franswa goes to open the door. it’s rufus, elena and their kids.)
Rufus: “Hey, Franswa! Long time no see! Your grandfather around?”
Franswa: “Uh, yeah, I guess so. They don’t really leave the house.”
(he leads them downstairs where richer is on the couch watching yet another samuel l jackson movie)
Franswa: “Dad, what are you watching?”
Richter: “I’m not sure, but there’s a lot of cursing in it.”
Franswa: *shakes his head* “This way.”
(he leads them to a room that has a sign on the door reading ‘genius at work’ on it. franswa knocks)
Juste’s voice: “I’m busy sharpening wooden stakes to kill vampires!”
Franswa: “Grandpa, it’s me. Mr. Shinra is here to see you.”
Juste’s voice: “Oh! Well come right in!”
(they do. the room has been set up like an interior design studio. juste is working at his desk)
Franswa: “So this is what you do in here? I always assumed it was full of wood.”
Rufus: “Juste! How’s my house coming along?”
Juste: “Very well, I must say! I’ve designed half the first floor!”
Elena: “Ooh…I love that fabric!”
Juste: “For the price you’ll pay for it…you better.”
Rufus: “As I’ve told you, money is no object. I want our new home to be fit for a king! I’ll have a lot of rich people visiting, and believe it or not they’re not an easy bunch to impress.”
Franswa: “You’re moving?”
Rufus: “Uh…yeah. We bought a house.”
Franswa: “No more ramble room?”
Elena: “Oh…well, we won’t be living there any more, but we’ll still visit.”
Max: “I’m gonna have my own room!”
Elena: “Lark…doesn’t know yet. We’d really appreciate it if you could keep it a secret.”
Rufus: “Especially from Zell. I learned my lesson the time I told him hot air balloons freaked me out.” *frowns* “I’ll never forgive Reno for that.”
Franswa: “Uh…no worries. I won’t tell anyone.”
Rufus: “But anyway, these designs are top notch, Juste! You’re worth every penny! Between you and your grandson Hugh there, you have a profitable business on your hands.”
Juste: *blink blink* “…Hugh?”
Rufus: “Anyway, we have to get going. Just wanted to check on your progress!”
Franswa: “I’ll walk you out.”
Rufus: “That’s okay, we’ll let ourselves out. I’ll be back to check again soon, Juste.”
Juste: “Anytime.”
(rufus, elena and the kids leave. franswa goes to leave)
Juste: “Franswa – what was that about Hugh?”
Franswa: “Oh…nothing.”
Juste: “You’re keeping something from me.”
Franswa: “Uh, I think Rufus and Elena got lost! Better see them out after all!”
(And with that he runs out of the room.)
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(meanwhile, reno has made it to the courthouse. he walks right inside and glances around)
Reno: “Okay, I need to find a slick looking lawyer.” *looks around frowning* “Dammit! They’re all slick looking lawyers!”
(suddenly he sees sunshine emerge from a room. she is accompanied by a tall guy with brown spiky hair. reno frowns some more)
Reno: “That must be him. I’ve gotta see what the hell makes him such hot sh*t.”
(they walk down the hall and reno follows them, being as incognito as possible. they stop and talk near a doorway and he ducks down behind a water fountain to listen)
Sunshine: “How did you do that? How did you get your client off the hook? You’d never even seen that evidence before!”
Phoenix: *rubs the back of his neck* “Well…sometimes I really think there’s a higher power involved.”
Sunshine: “Oh, are you religious?”
Phoenix: “Oh no. Nothing like that.”
Sunshine: “Who’s that girl who’s always with you? Is that your partner? Or your girlfriend?”
Reno: *frowns and mutters* “Why the hell does she care?”
Phoenix: “Maya? Oh, no. We’re just friends. Nothing like that.”
(then another guy comes by. he’s got grayish hair and is scowling)
Guy: “…Wright.”
Phoenix: “Oh…Edgeworth. Hey. You did good in there.”
Edgeworth: “Yeah. So good you beat me.”
Phoenix: “Oh…well…heh…can’t say I’m really sorry about that.”
Edgeworth: “Watch yourself, Wright. You can’t be the judge’s favorite forever.”
(he walks off. phoenix looks disappointed)
Sunshine: “Wow. Guess you and Miles Edgeworth don’t get along too well.”
Phoenix: “…You could say that.” *pause* “You wanna go grab a cup of coffee or something?”
Sunshine: “Sure, I’ve got some time to kill before I work on some briefs. Let’s go.”
(they walk away. reno stands up and watches them go)
Reno: “Getting coffee?! I never took her for coffee! How serious is she about this guy? I bet the briefs she’ll be working on later are his underwear at this rate! I’ve gotta follow her…”
Man: “Um, are you using this water fountain or not?”
Reno: “Go to town, buddy.”
(and with that he hurries on after them.)
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(back at the ramble room, irvine and trini are hanging out in the tv room. she’s sitting next to him, but her legs are draped across his lap. he has his hands on her legs)
Irvine: “I can’t believe you watch this crap.”
Trini: “What’s wrong with it? These MTV dating shows are hilarious! Everyone pretends they’re so awesome, and they’re all so shallow!” *pause* “Although now I guess I can see why you don’t like it…reminds you too much of yourself.”
Irvine: “Nice one, honey, but I’m afraid I am awesome. …And not shallow.”
Trini: *laughs* “Right! Because when we first met, you judged me for my mind.”
Irvine: “And you did?”
Trini: “Let’s not point fingers now!”
(they both laugh, and then irvine leans over and starts to tickle her. trini laughs and tries half-heartedly to move away. finally they both relax and just laugh, still looking at each other.)
Irvine: “You have such a cute laugh.”
Trini: *jokingly* “So do you.”
Irvine: “Let me take you out for a nice dinner.”
(trini stares at him for a moment, but then she just bursts out laughing. irvine looks shocked at this reaction.)
Trini: “Nice one, Kinneas! You almost had me going there for a minute! Yeah! Us on a date! Right!” *stands up and stretches* “I’m gonna take a bath. See you later?”
Irvine: *stunned* “Uh…yeah.”
(she leaves. irvine just sits there…looking totally stunned and crushed)
Irvine: *mutters* “…What is wrong with me…?”
(then who enters? sephiroth and twilight)
Sephiroth: “Hey, cowboy geek. Sign this.”
Irvine: *mutters* “Yeah. Sure.” *signs it*
Sephiroth: “Wow. That’s the first time that’s worked.”
Irvine: *leaves the room looking dazed*
Twilight: “He looks like he’s on drugs.”
Sephiroth: “Wouldn’t surprise me.”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(back in loser land, seymour is walking into the room with a big bouquet of roses. kuja is sitting on the couch painting his toenails. scarlet is painting her toenails too. nida is sitting nearby playing with his cellphone. heidegger is watching tv)
Seymour: “Look! I got flowers! I wonder who they could be from?” *reads card* “To Seymour. Love your secret admirer.” *phony gasp* “Secret Admirer! Who could it be?”
Heidegger: “Yourself! Gya haa haa!”
Seymour: *glares*
Kuja: *snort* “That’s the only logical answer.”
Seymour: “I did *not* send it to myself.”
Kuja: *stands up* “Whatever you wanna tell yourself, honey.” *flips hair back* “I’m gonna go pluck my eyebrows.”
(he leaves the room. seymour frowns and drops the card.)
Scarlet: “What, did you think he was going to get jealous or something?”
Seymour: *pouts* “No!”
Scarlet: *teasingly* “Aw, don’t get upset. Maybe you could still make him jealous. Just do something actually possible next time.”
Seymour: “I *could* have a secret admirer!” *stomps out*
Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Anything’s possible!”
Nida: “Ooh! I got a text message!” *snaps* “See, Scarlet! I do have friends!”
Scarlet: *rolls eyes* “Yeah, okay.”
(nida reads his text message and he frowns and looks pissed.)
Nida: “You whore! You stupid, stupid whore!”
Scarlet: “What?”
Nida: “Not you! Your daughter! She just dumped me!”
Scarlet: “…Were you going out?”
Nida: “…Not…technically! But we had something going! She was IMing me like once or twice a month!”
Scarlet: “Uh huh.”
Nida: “I asked her if she wanted to go out this weekend and she said:” *reading* “Sorry, Nida. I’m into someone else now. We can still be friends!” *frowns* “Can you believe it?!”
Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! You need all the friends you can get!”
Nida: “Whatever! She just made the biggest mistake of her life! She’ll regret the day she dumped Nida Horsenflaggenoffer!”
(and with that he stomps out of the room. scarlet and heidegger just sit there in total shock.)
Scarlet: “Was that…was that his last name?”
Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! And I thought mine was bad!”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(back to zidane and poor bryatt, guess what they are doing now? why they are cleaning the ceiling of algus’ room. algus is nowhere to be found. they are each standing on top of ladders, craning their necks up as they dab at the ceiling with sponges. buckets of soapy water lie at their feet.)
Bryatt: “My neck hurts.”
Zidane: “Mine hurt the first dozen times I had to do this. But I think I’m immune by now.”
Bryatt: “That’s it.” *drops sponge into bucket* “Zidane, I like you, but I just can’t do this anymore.” *steps off ladder*
Zidane: *climbs down* “You dumping me? Already? You don’t have to help me with my chores. I’ll have this whole ceiling done real quick. My record is three hours.”
Bryatt: “No, Zidane.” *sighs and sits down* “I can’t let you do this to yourself anymore.”
Zidane: *blink blink*
Bryatt: “Algus makes you do some pretty awful things.”
Zidane: “This? You think this is bad?”
Bryatt: “Cleaning a ceiling? Yeah. I think it’s pretty bad.”
Zidane: “Are you kidding me? I actually look forward to this! Algus once had me fetch change out of a nest of poisonous snakes! I had to climb down a cliff to find his stupid bowler’s hat the wind took away! I got poison oak all over my body when he wanted herbs for his garden!”
Bryatt: “He thought the poison oak were herbs?”
Zidane: “No…I just had no idea what an herb was.”
Bryatt: “Oh.”
Zidane: “It gets worse! He used me as a human shield when he thought someone was trying to shoot at him! Lucky for me it was a car that backfired! Oh and this other time he made me wash the sand off his flip flops in the ocean – I got stung by a jellyfish and he wouldn’t even get me help! And once he made me dance with a cougar just for his amusement! Those things have claws!”
Bryatt: “Is that it?”
Zidane: “No! But I do have to get this ceiling finished sometime today!”
Bryatt: *stands up* “Zidane, this man is abusive! How can you not see this? Any job would be better! You could go work at a store or go back to waiting tables! Anything beats—“ *pause* “What animal did he make you dance with?”
Zidane: “A cougar.” *pause* “Oh, and a pony this other time. Those things bite.”
Bryatt: “Why are you still here? I guarantee I will get you a job!”
Zidane: “Bryatt…trust me. I’ve tried. But no one wants a monkey tailed freak with a record working for them. Even Rufus wouldn’t take me. He hired straw!”
Bryatt: “You have a record?”
Zidane: “This one time Algus—“ *stops* “You know what? It’s better if you don’t know.”
(he gets back up on the ladder and washing the ceiling. bryatt sighs and sits back down)
Bryatt: *to himself* “I can’t let Zidane do this to himself. I’ve gotta find his breaking point.”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(meanwhile, sephiroth and twilight are standing around with lulu, selphie and quistis. he’s showing them the petition)
Sephiroth: “With your support we can make sure those poor starving kittens find a nice, warm place they can finally call home.”
Twilight: *wiping away fake tear* “At last.”
Selphie: *bursts into tears* “Those poor kittens! Where do I sign?”
Quistis: “I guess I’ll sign.”
Lulu: *sigh* “Yeah. Okay.”
Sephiroth: “What? You don’t feel for the kittens? They’re starving!”
Twilight: “And poor!”
Lulu: “I’ve never seen you take up animals rights causes before.”
Sephiroth: “Hey! I have a cat! I’m a regular cat lover!”
Twilight: “And I’m not completely heartless.”
Lulu: “Fine. I’ll sign it.”
(she, selphie and quistis all sign it and then they leave. selphie still crying about the kittens. once they are gone…)
Twilight: “………Bitch.”
Sephiroth: “Took the words right out of my mouth. How many signatures do we have so far?”
Twilight: *looks at list* “Uh…a lot.”
Sephiroth: *counts* “20. And most of them signed for themselves this time.”
Twilight: “What now? Do we get to shove it in Auron’s face yet?”
Sephiroth: “We keep going! 20 signatures isn’t going to do it! Pretty much everybody is going to have sign this thing, whether they want to or not.”
Twilight: “…What’s with girls and kittens?”
Sephiroth: “The hell if I know.”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(and what of our three heroines who have thus been unsuccessful at their quest to replace their ghetto playstation? why they have arrived the center of the gaming universe – to some, anyway. not me. anyway, sony headquarters. they park the car and start to head to the entrance)
Ashley: “Well, here we are. The center of the video game universe.”
Shell: “Shouldn’t Squaresoft be the center of the video game universe?”
Ashley and Lark: *gasp in horror*
Shell: “What?”
Lark: “It’s called Square Enix now…”
Ashley: “Don’t you know anything?”
Shell: *sigh* “Apparently my nerd speak is not up to date.”
Lark: “Look, let’s just go in there, get our new Playstation and get back on the road. The ramble room might be burning down without us.”
Shell: “We were there the last time it burned down.”
Lark: “Let’s just hurry up.”
(they go inside the building. ahead there is a woman, probably a receptionist, sitting at a desk. she looks up rather worriedly when the girls enter and walk over to her)
Ashley: “Hello. We—“
Woman: “We don’t authorize or buy any kind of fan fiction! Sorry!”
Lark: *blink blink* “We’re not here about fan fiction.” *to shell* “Do I look like a fan girl or something?”
Shell: “Maybe they can smell your geekiness.”
Ashley: “We’re just looking for an original Playstation.”
Woman: “An original Playstation? Why? Don’t you want a Playstation 3? Please say you do, we’ve got tons of them.”
Lark: “No, we’ve got one of those already. We’re looking for an original.”
Woman: “We might have some in the back of the company store…if you exit the building you’ll find the entrance to the store down where the oak trees are.”
Shell: “The oak trees? Now we look like tree experts?”
Ashley: “Thank you.”
(and so they leave the building)
Lark: “I can’t believe she immediately assumed we were some kind of crazed fangirls!”
Shell: “We are looking for a device that lets us spend time with hot male video game characters.”
Lark: “There are girl characters too!”
Ashley: “Uh huh. Like five.”
Lark: “That’s besides the point! Hopefully we’ll find what we’re looking for in the store.”
(so they go down to the store and step inside. looking around they see piles and piles of unsold ps3s and a ton of crash bandicoot merchandise labeled ‘clearance! 70% off!’ there is other stuff towards the back)
Ashley: “Ooh! 70% off!”
Lark: “Have you ever even *played* a Crash Bandicoot game?”
Ashley: “Maybe I have!”
Lark: *gives her a look*
Ashley: “…Okay no.”
???: “Can I help you girls?”
(the girls turn around to see a sales guy standing there. he looks normal enough. definitely more normal than any of the freaks at gamestop. hahaha, I kill myself.)
Ashley: “Yeah, we’re looking for an original Playstation?”
Guy: “An original Playstation? Why? Don’t you want—“
Lark: “No, we’re very sure we don’t want a PS3. Now do you have any or not?”
Shell: *mutters* “Way to be a bitch…”
Guy: “I don’t know, maybe. I’ll have to check in the back.”
Ashley: “And we’re not just looking for any old normal Playstation. We’re looking for a special one with an extra special button on it.”
Guy: “An extra button? What do you mean?”
Shell: “Just see if you have any at all. We know what we’re looking for.”
Guy: “Uh…okay. I’ll be right back.”
(he leaves to go into the ‘back’.)
Lark: “They’re not going to have it.”
Shell: “Never say never. They seem to have plenty of old crap lying around.” *picks up crash bandicoot doll*
Lark: “Hey, Crash Bandicoot had a good run!”
Ashley: “*You’ve* played a Crash Bandicoot game?”
Lark: “…Yeah.” *long pause* “I also played the Toy Story 2 game. It was really fun!”
Ashley: *blink blink*
Lark: “Those were the first two games I had for the Playstation!”
(the guy comes back holding 5 playstation boxes)
Guy: “Here you go.”
Shell: “Five of them?”
Ashley: *sigh* “That’s not it.”
Lark: “What do you mean?”
Ashley: “It’s not the right box. Mine came in a different box.”
Lark: *defeated sigh* “I don’t believe this.”
Guy: “So you don’t want them? I had to dig through piles of Resident Evil: Outbreak games for nothing?”
Shell: “Sorry.”
Lark: *defeated* “Let’s go, you guys.”
(they leave the store looking defeated)
Lark: “We’re screwed. If Sony headquarters doesn’t have it, who will? They even had copies of Resident Evil: Outbreak!”
Ashley: “I bet they didn’t make too many of them. That’s why they don’t have any.”
Shell: “We can’t lose hope yet! Why don’t we try that super nerd store? Don’t they sell old video game systems and games there?”
Ashley: “Hey, I think I saw a ColecoVision last time I was in there!”
Lark: “Yeah! Why didn’t I think of that? To the Wizard’s Cove!”
To Be Continued…
The Rambles Live! 