#200 – And So It Goes… (part one)

Maxwell: “Well kiss my three toes! Never thought I’d see you purdy ladies again!”

Originally Published: 7/26/2007

Synopsis
Lark and the girls realize their means of getting to the ramble room is broken. Does this mean they have to leave for good?

Ramble Milestones
None this time.

I knew the only way to end things would be if we could never come back – hence the broken Playstation. You didn’t think I’d let the rambles go without one more appearance from Cousin Maxwell! Probably my favorite recurring character.

(we begin with dream lines. there’s no whistle, but there’s our usual group of high school students. except now they’re gathered in the gym all wearing caps and gowns. and waiting…and waiting…)

Elena: “I can hardly believe it! After all this time we’re finally graduating!”

Reno: “Not fast enough! I feel like we’ve been waiting here forever!”

Rude: “…This tassel keeps getting in my face.”

Tseng: “We won’t have to see most of these people ever again.”

Reno: “I’m really gonna miss Tifa. And her boobs.”

(rufus comes over)

Rufus: “How’s it going, line leaders? Everything running smoothly?”

Reno: “We gonna graduate sometime today? We’ve been waiting forever!”

Rufus: “Only ten more minutes. I should get ready to make my speech.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Me too!”

Rufus: “What are you doing here? You were fired yesterday!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa—what?”

Rufus: “Superintendent Cid fired you! Too many supplies went missing this year. And I know it was you!

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I like eating plastic!”

Scarlet: “Principal Rufus, you’re needed on stage.”

Rufus: “Scarlet? What are you doing at the graduation? You’re not required to be here!”

Scarlet: “Yeah, but…most of these kids are over 18, right?”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! She has a second job!”

Rufus: “Both of you come with me.”

(the three of them leave. reeve walks over to tseng)

Reeve: “Hi.”

Tseng: “Hey.”

Reeve: “You look really cute in your cap.”

Tseng: “Yeah…right.” *smile* “You ready for your speech?”

Reeve: “Kinda…I guess.” *pause* “I’m pretty nervous.”

Tseng: “You’ll do fine. You practiced it a hundred times!”

Reeve: “I know. I don’t think I’m nervous about the speech. It’s more like…I’m nervous to leave high school.”

Tseng: “Nervous? Why? You’re going on to such bigger and better things!”

Reeve: “…I know. But we’ve spent so much time here in this school and with all these people. It’ll be strange to leave and go on to new places and new experiences. Makes me kind of nervous.”

Tseng: “I guess not everybody likes change.”

Reeve: “I guess not.”

(shell comes over to rude. tifa is with her)

Shell: “Hi, Rude! Did you get me a graduation present?”

Rude: “I’ll give it to you later, Shell.”

Reno: “This is your last chance to get with me, Tifa! I suggest you take it!”

Tifa: “Not if you were the last guy on Earth.”

Shell: “I’m gonna miss you next year, Rude. But you can always send presents through the mail.”

Rude: *sigh* “Yes, Shell.”

(meanwhile, the basketball team, and rinoa, are all standing together)

Zidane: “Well…this is it.”

Zell: “Yup. Now we’re gonna be college men!”

Seifer: “And we’re gonna be getting college girls!”

Irvine: “You won’t be, but I will.”

Rinoa: “Squall won’t be getting girls!”

Squall: “Whatever.”

(the cheerleaders are nearby. well, two of them)

Selphie: “Where’s Hugh?”

Yuffie: “I don’t know… But I never got the feeling he really wanted to be a cheerleader.”

Selphie: “What? No way!” *sigh* “Maybe he’s just mad because they wouldn’t let us do our cheers at graduation.”

Yuffie: “They let the stupid choir sing.”

Selphie: “Exactly!”

Twilight: *running by* “Whoo hoo! I’m getting the hell out of this crappy school!”

Laguna: “Hey hey! Good for you!”

Twilight: “Move it, loser!” *shoves him aside*

Nida: “Principal Rufus! Twilight’s shoving!”

Twilight: “Shove it, big mouth!” *shoves nida*

Nida: “Ow! Principal Rufus! Now he’s shoving me!”

Reeve: “Principal Rufus isn’t here.”

Nida: “What?! Twilight gets away with everything!”

(Ashley is with the gundam wing guys)

Ashley: “I still can’t believe I managed to pass photography with an A+!”

Wufei: “I can’t believe I got graded for study hall!”

Trowa: “Your project was outstanding, Ashley.”

Ashley: “I had no idea what I was doing!”

Trowa: “That was the beauty of it.”

Ashley: “What?”

Duo: “I can’t wait till Reno’s party tonight!”

Heero: “Uh huh.”

Quatre: “Everyone just looks so beautiful in their caps and gowns! Beautiful! Just beautiful!”

Wufei: “Shut up! You’re gay!”

(meanwhile, lark is sitting with Brady)

Lark: “I’m glad we got all that drama settled.”

Brady: “If I see that jerk, I’m gonna punch him in the face.”

Lark: “Relax. You won’t have to see him anymore soon enough.”

Brady: “He better not show up to the party.”

Lark: “Him? At a party? A party thrown by Reno? I don’t think so.”

Elena: “Okay! Everybody get into your lines!”

Reno: “Finally!”

(and so everyone starts to get into their lines. the lines are side by side. lark gets to her place in line. and who is the person in the other line next to her? sephiroth. she keeps staring ahead. he looks over at her)

Sephiroth: *softly* “Lark!”

Lark: *keeps staring ahead*

Sephiroth: *softly* “Psst! Lark!”

Lark: *softly* “Leave. Me. Alone.”

Sephiroth: “Are you still mad at me? You made up with your boyfriend, didn’t you?”

Lark: “Yes. Thankfully.”

(the lines start to move forward so they start walking)

Zidane: “Whoo hoo! Here we go! Graduation time!”

Twilight: “School sucks!”

Nida: “Principal Rufus! Twilight is making fun of the school!”

Twilight: “You suck too, nerd!”

Nida: “Principal Rufus! Now he’s making fun of me!”

Sephiroth: *softly* “Look, Lark. I’m sorry, okay?”

Lark: “It’s way too late for I’m sorry.”

Sephiroth: “…I made a mistake.”

Lark: “You bet you did.”

Sephiroth: “Why won’t you accept my apology?”

Lark: “Because I don’t have to.”

(the students then begin entering the building, walking down to the traditional graduation song. they all take their seats. sephiroth is now sitting next to lark on one side. nida is on her other side. reno is in front of her. principal rufus steps up to the podium)

Rufus: “Welcome to the graduation ceremony you all thought would never arrive. This is an important day for all of you, when you close one chapter of your life and move on to the next. Though long and uncertain, you will find there are many surprises and triumphs waiting for you right around the corner. But first we must say good-bye to your four wonderful years of high school at this graduation ceremony. Webster’s dictionary defines graduation as…”

(he goes on talking. sephiroth leans over to lark)

Sephiroth: *whispers* “Lark!”

Lark: *whispers* “Shut up!”

Nida: “Shush! The principal is talking!”

Sephiroth: *whispers* “Why won’t you hear me out?”

Lark: *whispers* “Because it’s nothing I wanna hear.”

Sephiroth: *whispers* “…Look. You were right…about me…and Vincent.” *pause* “We got back together.”

Lark: *softly* “What?!”

Reno: *turning around softly* “What?!”

Nida: *whispering* “Shush! You’re not listening!”

Lark: *softly* “I knew it!”

Reno: *softly* “You’re dating a teacher!?”

Sephiroth: *whispers harshly* “Mind your own business!”

Reno: *softly* “I can’t help overhearing gossip that juicy!”

Nida: *whispers* “I can’t hear the principal!”

Sephiroth: *whispers to lark* “I made a huge mistake. And I’m sorry. Really. You have to say you forgive me.”

Rufus: “And now please welcome to the stage, the class valedictorian, Reeve Leander!”

(everyone claps. reeve goes over to the podium looking nervous. lark leans over to sephiroth)

Lark: *whispers* “Even if I did, Brady never would.”

Reeve: “Good afternoon students, parents, friends, relatives, and fellow classmates. Today marks the end of something great. But it also marks the beginning of something equally as great…”

Sephiroth: *whispers* “Why not?”

Lark: *whispers* “How can you even ask that?”

Sephiroth: *even quieter* “It’s not like I meant anything when I did it!”

Lark: *whispers* “That doesn’t make it better!”

Reeve: “These have been very important years in our lives so far. When we have grown from children, to teenagers, and now we are at the brink of adulthood preparing to take on the challenges that lie in the many years ahead…”

Nida: *softly* “This speech sucks! I was the real valedictorian!”

Reno: *snort*

Sephiroth: *softly* “So what?! I don’t care about what he thinks! I only care about you!”

Lark: *softly* “Well that’s a shame. Because *I* care about him. And considering I’m leaving for college and going away I don’t really care if we work things out or not. You never really change.”

Nida: *softly* “Shush! Just because his speech is lame doesn’t mean I don’t wanna hear it!”

Sephiroth: *whispers harshly* “What do you *mean* I never really change?”

Lark: *whispers harshly* “I mean the only person you’ll ever put first is yourself. You only care about how you feel.”

Sephiroth: *softly* “That’s not true!”

Reeve: “Some of us may be sad as of this moment. Others are proud. Others have been dreaming about this day for years. But others may be uncertain. And I can’t say I can blame them. There’s an uncharted path ahead. And the unknown is always scary. But everything we’ve done up to this point is going to help us chart and pave that path. It won’t be easy. But I know we’re all up to the challenge. Good luck and congratulations, everyone. We did it!”

(everyone jumps up and starts celebrating, throwing their caps into the air. commotion follows as everyone starts hugging and congratulating one another. sephiroth loses track of lark in the crowd.)

Sephiroth: “Lark? Lark!”

(she’s no where around. he frowns and turns to reno, who has just finished high-fiving irvine)

Sephiroth: “Hey.”

Reno: “Hey! Congrats, man! We did it!”

Sephiroth: “Yeah. Right. Is Lark going to your party tonight?”

Reno: “You bet she is! Everyone is! You coming?”

Sephiroth: *frowns* “I am now.”

(dream over. lark sits up in her bed shivering a little and looking a little uneasy. she looks at the clock and sees it’s still the middle of the night. then she lays back down still looking a bit uneasy.)

Lark: “…Not again.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(the next day at the condos, dante is sprawled out on the couch reading the sports page when lloyd enters triumphantly.)

Lloyd: “I’ve got it now, Dante!”

Dante: *doesn’t look up* “What? A life?”

Lloyd: “No! Better! You don’t have to call me Vergil anymore!”

Dante: “I never did to begin with.”

Lloyd: “But you can’t call me Lloyd any more either!”

Dante: *puts paper down and gives him a look* “Out with it, Lloyd. Why are you an idiot today.”

Lloyd: “Hey, shut up! And no calling me Lloyd! I’ve legally changed my name!” *slams down paper* “To Nelo Angelo!”

(dante looks at the paper, then at lloyd. then back at the paper and then back at lloyd again. all the while a smile is slowly starting to spread across his face. lloyd starts to frown. then dante bursts out laughing hysterically.)

Dante: “Nelo Angelo? Nelo Angelo? What the hell kind of a name is that? Where’d you get it from? The book of stupid ass fairy names for losers?” *laughs more* “Congratulations, Lloyd! Your loser transformation is complete!”

Lloyd: *frowns* “I’m not Lloyd! I’m Nelo Angelo! And stop making fun of my name!”

Dante: *laughing* ”You’re right! Calling you Lloyd’s a mercy now!”

(alucard comes in)

Alucard: “What’s so funny?”

Dante: “Al! Al! Guess what dumb ass did now?! You’ll never guess!” *gets up and shows him the paper*

Alucard: *blink blink* “…He changed his name to Nelo Angelo?”

Dante: *bursts into hysterical laughter again*

Lloyd: “Nothing’s funny, Dante! Stop laughing! That name is awesome! You’re just jealous!”

Dante: *doubles over laughing*

Alucard: *blink blink* “…Nelo…Angelo?”

Lloyd: “You’re all just too stupid to get how cool that name is!”

Dante: *practically on the floor laughing*

Lloyd: “It’s not funny, Dante! You have to call me by my new name!”

Dante: *starting to stop laughing* “Sure! Sure, brother! I’ll be glad to call you by your ‘new name’! Because it’s such a great one!” *starts laughing again*

Alucard: *still confused* “Nelo Angelo…? What made you pick that?”

Lloyd: *snatches the paper away* “It’s not my fault if you’re stupid! You’re both stupid! And jealous! Jealous!” *stomps off*

Dante: *yells* “Bye, ‘Nelo Angelo’!” *laughs more*

Lloyd’s voice: “JEALOUS!!!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, vincent and auron are in the tv room talking…)

Auron: “I’m glad to see you’re in such good spirits lately.”

Vincent: “I suppose it’s odd to say that my near death experience was the best thing that could have happened.”

Auron: “Not especially.”

Sephiroth’s voice: “Vincent! I got a paper-cut! It hurts! …Vincent?”

Vincent: “In here, angel.”

(sephiroth walks in with his pinky finger in his mouth and pouting. as soon as he sees auron he pulls his hand away from his mouth and glares at auron)

Sephiroth: “What’s going on here?”

Vincent: “I was just speaking with Auron. How did you cut your finger?”

Sephiroth: “Why are you talking to him?”

Auron: “Because we’re friends.”

Sephiroth: “I wasn’t asking *you*.”

Vincent: “He’s right, angel.”

Sephiroth: “No.”

Vincent: “No?”

Sephiroth: “You can’t be friends with him! He probably still wants you! He’s sneaky like that! He doesn’t want to be friends! He just wants to break us up again!”

Auron: “That isn’t true at all. And I never broke you up. You did that yourself. With your cheating.”

Sephiroth: “I didn’t cheat!”

Vincent: “Angel…please.”

Sephiroth: “Okay, maybe I kind of did. But Alucard made me. He’s a whore!”

Vincent: “Angel, this is all unnecessary.”

Sephiroth: “Is it? I don’t like him! And I don’t want you to be ‘friends’, or whatever he’s trying to call it!”

Vincent: “Sephiroth, please. I’m not going to stop being friends with Auron just because you want me to. That is ridiculous.”

Sephiroth: “It is not!”

Vincent: “That’s like if I said I wanted you to stop being friends with Twilight.”

Sephiroth: “Twilight never hit on me!”

Twilight: *sticks his head in* “I *what*?!”

Sephiroth: “Nothing! Don’t worry about it.”

Twilight: *shrugs and leaves*

Auron: “I would never try and cause Vincent pain. I could explain this to you until I was blue in the face but you would never listen to me. So why should I bother?”

Sephiroth: “Why should I? Some people never change, Auron! And you are one of them!”

(he stalks out. vincent and auron sit in silence a moment)

Vincent: “…He’ll get over it.” *pause* “But I don’t think there’s ever going to be a time when he considers you a friend.”

Auron: “…I’m sure there are several people who can say the same thing about him.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back in the *gasp* real world, lark, shell, Brady and Ashley are all standing in Ashley’s room. Ashley is over by the playstation. the others are all just standing around)

Shell: “Would you hurry up, Ashley? Rude said he would have his New Years present for me today.”

Lark: “Why didn’t you get it on New Years?”

Shell: “He said it was on backorder.”

Brady: “Backorder meaning his money is on backorder because he’s broke and has to borrow money from Rufus.”

Shell: “All that matters is I get a gift.”

Lark: “Are we ready, Ashley?”

Ashley: “Just a sec!”

(if you’ll recall from a ramble a long, long time ago, the ramble chicks…and dude, get to the ramble room by pressing a button on Ashley’s bootleg playstation. so Ashley presses the button. …and nothing happens)

Ashley: *blink blink* “What the hell…?”

Lark: “What’s wrong?”

Ashley: “Nothing.” *pause* “Must have…”

(she presses it again. again, nothing.)

Shell: “What’s going on?”

Ashley: “This thing is being asslancing.”

Brady: “Is it broken?”

Lark: “WHAT?”

Ashley: “No!”

Lark: “It better not be!”

Ashley: “I’ll try it again.”

(this time she bangs on the button really hard. and this time it works. they are transported to the backyard of the ramble room. but they all stand there confused for a moment)

Brady: “…Well that did it.”

Lark: “What happened?”

Ashley: “I don’t know… All of the sudden the button wasn’t working right.”

Shell: “Maybe it just needs to be fixed. We have been using it for a long time. I don’t think shady products from the back ally are supposed to work for this long.”

Ashley: “That’s not where I got it from.”

Shell: “Sure it’s not.”

Lark: “We’ll get it fixed. Tomorrow. Okay? We can’t be having that thing break on us.”

Ashley: “Right. No problem. First thing.”

Sephiroth’s voice: “Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaark?”

Lark: “We’ll talk about this later.”

Brady: *sigh* “What does the one winged asshole want now?”

Lark: “Sweetie…you know I don’t really care for that nickname.”

Brady: “Because it’s too perfect.”

Lark: “I’ll see you all later.”

(she goes around to the front porch where sephiroth is standing there looking for her. he spots her and walks over with a piece of paper in his hand.)

Sephiroth: “Lark! There you are! I’ve been looking all over for you!”

Lark: “What is it, Sephy?”

Sephiroth: “I have a petition here – with signatures – MANY signatures – to get someone kicked out of the ramble room!”

Lark: *sighs and crosses her arms* “Is it Rufus?”

Sephiroth: “No.”

Lark: “Is it Zell?”

Sephiroth: “No.”

Lark: *confused* “Well you’re friends with Twilight…”

Sephiroth: “It’s not Twilight!” *thrusts paper at her* “It’s Auron! We want him gone!”

(lark takes the sheet and looks it over with a frown)

Lark: “Sephiroth…*many* people signed this?”

Sephiroth: *nods* “Many.”

Lark: “I see two. You and Twilight.”

Sephiroth: “What?! Are you crazy?! Practically everyone in the ramble room signed it!”

Lark: “Really? And practically everyone has the same handwriting that exactly matches yours? Or spells their own name wrong?”

Sephiroth: *mutters* “Dammit, Twilight.”

Lark: “Nice try.” *hands back the paper*

Sephiroth: “You have to get rid of him, Lark! He’s hitting on Vincent again!”

Lark: *sigh* “Sephiroth, Auron had his chance already and they couldn’t make it work. He knows Vincent loves you. Why would he do that?”

Sephiroth: “Because he’s a jerk! Obviously!”

Lark: “I think someone else is being a jerk. And it isn’t Auron.”

Sephiroth: “What?! Lark!”

Lark: “I have more important things to worry about, okay? I don’t have time for your petty squabbles anymore. Some things you just have to let go.” *starts to walk away*

Sephiroth: “What the hell does that mean??”

Lark: *over her shoulder* “It means grow up!”

(she walks away. sephiroth just stands there frowning.)

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, inside the ramble room, rufus, elena, tseng and reeve are all sitting around some papers. reeve is signing something. elena has lily on her lap. max is spread out on the floor coloring in a coloring book.)

Reeve: *done signing* “There. All done.”

Rufus: “Great!” *picks up papers* “Now we’re all ready to close on our new house next week!”

Tseng: “…And we still haven’t told anyone else about it.”

Rufus: “Except Algus.”

Elena: “You told Algus?”

Rufus: “Yeah. But it’s not like he told anyone! He swore he wouldn’t! He swore on his family crest too. That’s like a million Bibles to him.”

Reeve: “It doesn’t really matter anyway. We can’t keep this a secret forever.”

All: “……………………”

Max: *happily coloring* “I’m gonna have my own room in the castle!” *turns around* “Right, daddy?”

Rufus: “That’s right, Max.”

Tseng: “So…who’s gonna tell Lark?”

Everyone but Rufus: *looks at rufus*

Rufus: *looks at tseng*

Tseng: “Majority rules.”

Rufus: “Why couldn’t anyone look at Reeve!?”

Reeve: “It’s not like it’s a big deal, Rufus. I’m sure she’ll understand. And besides, like we’ve all been saying, it’s not like we’ll be gone forever. We’ll still come to visit all the time.”

Rufus: “Then you tell her!”

Reeve: “Sorry. Majority rules.”

Rufus: *sigh* “Fine. I will. When the time is right. It’s not like we’re moving for a few weeks anyway. Gotta have the whole place painted. And Mr. Jingles’ closet still isn’t ready.”

Tseng: “And why does all the wood for his closet have to be imported from India again?”

Rufus: “It just does, okay?”

Elena: “Rufus, you promise you’ll tell Lark?”

Rufus: “I will. I promise. When the time is right.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(speaking of lark, she doesn’t look very happy. she’s walking down the hallway in the ramble room wearing her bathing suit and heading towards the pool, passing several people on the way.)

Zell: “Hey, Lark!”

Lark: *keeps walking* “……………”

Barret: “Sup, Lark?”

Lark: *keeps walking* “……………”

Steiner: “Good day, Miss Lark!”

Lark: *keeps walking* “………………”

Tidus: “Hiya, Lark!”

Lark: *keeps walking* “………….”

(she proceeds into the pool area, where bryatt and zidane are currently horsing around.)

Zidane: “Hey, Lark!”

Bryatt: “What’s going on?”

(she ignores them. instead she goes over to the deep end of the pool and just dives in. zidane and bryatt look at each other)

Bryatt: “Talk about going off the deep end.”

Zidane: “You’re not funny all the time.”

Bryatt: “I try.”

(she comes up for air and finally looks at them)

Lark: “Oh. Hi, guys.”

Bryatt: “Hello yourself. Nice of you to notice us.”

Lark: “Sorry. Guess I was kinda in my own world for a minute there.”

Zidane: “You know who’s in his own world all the time?”

Bryatt: “…Are you going to say Algus?”

Zidane: “…No.”

Algus’ voice: “ZIDANE! WHERE ARE YOU? AND WHERE’RE MY CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES WITHOUT THE CHOCOLATE CHIPS?”

Zidane: *sigh*

Bryatt: “Chocolate chip…is he serious?”

Zidane: “You’d think otherwise?”

Bryatt: *sigh* “I’ll help you. But I really think this is getting old.”

(They get out of the pool, grab their towels and leave. lark heaves a sigh, swims over to the steps and sits there for a moment. then Brady enters)

Brady: “There you are.”

Lark: “Something wrong?”

Brady: “No. I was just wondering where you ran off to.”

Lark: “I just needed to clear my head.”

Brady: “What’s on your mind?”

Lark: “Nothing.”

Brady: “Liar.”

Lark: “……What happened this morning… It really bothered me.”

Brady: “With the Playstation? Why?”

Lark: “Heh…you don’t even know what I’d do if…”

Brady: “Hey, no worries. You know how things work around here. Everything goes to hell but it always works out in the end.”

Lark: “Yeah…I guess you’re right.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, over at the belmonts, franswa and zell are sitting on the couch with a bucket of popcorn watching a movie. zell is shoving popcorn into his mouth and enjoying the film. franswa is sitting there looking traumatized)

Zell: “Oh man! Those snakes are all *over* that plane!”

Franswa: “Ahh!” *buries face in zell’s shoulder* “Gross!”

Zell: “Gross? This movie is hilarious!” *laughs*

Franswa: *looks up* “Hilarious? Ahhh!!! More snakes!!!” *throws popcorn bucket into the air spraying popcorn all over*

(richter comes in and stands back a moment, just watching the movie)

Richter: “Franswa, what is this you’re watching?”

Zell: “It’s Snakes on a Plane! It’s the best movie ever!”

Franswa: *screams again* “No it’s not!”

Richter: “Franswa, Mr. Sadalfas is on the phone for you.”

Franswa: “He is? Great!” *jumps up*

Zell: “You gonna come back?”

Franswa: *leaves*

Zell: *frowns* “Guess that’s a no.”

Richter: “This movie looks rather interesting. How did all those snakes get on that plane anyway?”

Zell: “Well that’s the best part! You see there was this bad guy…”

(franswa goes into the kitchen and picks up the phone)

Franswa: “Hello?”

Algus’ voice: “Ah, hello, Franswa. How are you this fine day?”

Franswa: “I’m good, and you?”

Algus’ voice: “Fantastic as always and richer than ever! But this phone call isn’t about me. It’s about your restaurant.”

Franswa: *brightens* “Oh yeah?”

Algus’ voice: “Yes. Rufus and I reviewed the menu plans you gave us yesterday and we were quite pleased with them. So we’re starting construction tomorrow.”

Franswa: “Tomorrow?!”

Algus’ voice: “Yes. And we’ll be opening this weekend.”

Franswa: “This weekend?! B-b-but—“

Algus’ voice: “Rufus and I feel it’s a good idea to have the restaurant open as soon as possible so we can build up some positive reviews and have a big crowd for that already busy day.”

Franswa: “Uh-huh.”

Algus’ voice: “You have nothing to worry about. The menu is already in place. Leave everything else to us and our trained professionals. Oh, except one thing.”

Franswa: “What’s that?”

Algus’ voice: “Well there’s the matter of the interior of the restaurant. Rufus felt we should just hire an interior decorator to design it, but I felt since it is your restaurant you should have the say on how the inside is to appear. After all, dining is an experience, and the ambiance of the restaurant must tie in with the food.”

Franswa: “I agree.”

Algus’ voice: “Fantastic then. So you can have some plans for the interior by tomorrow evening?”

Franswa: “Tomorrow??”

Algus’ voice: “Wonderful! I look forward to seeing them. Good-bye.”

Franswa: “Uh, good-bye.”

(he hangs up, looking a little stunned. He walks back into the room where zell and richter are on the couch watching the movie.)

Zell: “Hey! You did come back!”

Franswa: “I see the snakes are still there.”

Richter: “These snakes are everywhere! If I didn’t know better I’d think they were vampire snakes!”

Franswa: “…Vampire snakes?”

Richter: “There’s such a thing, Franswa! Mark my words – there is such a thing!”

Franswa: “Sure there is.”

Zell: “Omg! More snakes are coming!”

Richter: “What! This is insanity! Isn’t this insanity, Franswa?” *pause* “…Franswa?”

(he turns around but franswa is gone. Richter frowns and then he and zell both peer over the back of the couch to see franswa crouching there)

Zell: “You okay back there, buddy?”

Franswa: “Me? Oh, sure! I’m fine!”

Richter: “Then why are you crouched behind the couch?” *whispers* “Is there a vampire hiding under there? I thought I smelled something foul!”

Franswa: “No! No! I just…uh…dropped my contact.”

Zell: *blink blink* “You don’t wear contacts.”

Richter: “The snakes just got someone!”

Zell: “Whoa! Gross!”

Franswa: “…You know I’m pretty sure I have to cook something.” *flees the room*

Richter: “…I guess he doesn’t care for these snakes on the plane.”

Zell: “Who couldn’t?!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, koudelka is sitting at the desk at the therapy center and she doesn’t look happy when yuri walks over)

Koudelka: “I don’t believe it.”

Yuri: “Did Rudy show you the mouse hair blanket he made? He tried to give it to me for Christmas but I couldn’t touch it without gagging.”

Koudelka: “What? No. Looks like we’re not the only psychic therapy center in town any more.”

Yuri: “What?”

Koudelka: “Psycho Mantis has just opened up shop across town.”

Yuri: “Psycho Mantis? What the hell kind of a name is that?”

Koudelka: “A whacko one. For a whacko.”

Yuri: “Well what has he got that we haven’t got?”

Koudelka: “Well, his prices are lower. But that’s not a big deal. He’s so whacked out you’d have to be a real cheapskate to subject yourself to that.”

(hanpan then runs down the hallway screaming, with rudy chasing after him)

Hanpan: “Kill me! Kill me! Somebody kill me!”

Rudy: “Just let me breathe on you!”

(they circle around the desk and run back into the back again. yuri looks at koudelka)

Yuri: “Yeah. I bet.”

Koudelka: “Shut up.”

Yuri: “So what’s your plan?”

Koudelka: “Huh?”

Yuri: “Don’t you have a plan? You know, to make sure he doesn’t steal our business?”

Koudelka: “Well, considering he looks like a crazed undead escaped suba diver from hell,  I don’t think there’ll really be much of a problem.”

Yuri: *looks disgusted*

Koudelka: “And that’s with the mask on.”

Yuri: “Well if he looks that creepy why were you even worried?”

Koudelka: “I’m easily irritated.”

Yuri: “You’re telling me.”

Koudelka: “The rest of your group will be arriving soon.”

Yuri: “Please don’t remind me.”

Koudelka: “Better get back there.” *pause* “Or you could quit and go work for Psycho Mantis.”

Yuri: “I’m going, I’m going!”

(he leaves. koudelka is engrossed in some paper work and doesn’t notice the front doors open. the visitor comes over to the desk and stands there for a moment or two before she puts her pen down. but she still doesn’t look up)

Koudelka: *sigh* “Can I help you?”

??????: “You sure can! And I bet I can help you too!”

(she looks up and it’s edward. she frowns and stands up)

Koudelka: “What are you doing here?”

Edward: “A man can’t come and visit his son?”

Koudelka: “Don’t you have a job?”

Edward: “I do, but I…uh…work the night shift.”

Koudelka: “Doing *what*, dare I ask?”

Edward: “Look! I have the child support money!” *holds it out*

Koudelka: *snatches it* “At least you’re finally doing something right.”

Edward: “Where’s that idiot?”

Koudelka: “Who? Yuri?”

Edward: “No, that other idiot.”

Koudelka: “You mean yourself?”

Edward: *frowns* “No. I mean that jerk you’re dating!”

Koudelka: “Oh. Cid. He’s working right now and watching your son.”

Edward: “That’s your decision. I’ve offered to take him during the day.”

Koudelka: “He likes it with the other kids. He can’t spend his whole life watching you play illegal games of craps in the back of that seedy liquor store.”

Edward: “He told me he liked that!”

Koudelka: “I think you should leave.”

Edward: “What? But I came all the way down here! I had to take the public bus!”

Koudelka: *pushing him towards the door* “I’ll give you the fifty-cents.”

Edward: “It’s seventy-five cents!”

Koudelka: “Whatever! Here!” *slaps change in his hand*

Cid: *comes out of the daycare room* “Hey, Koudelka! Where’s the—“ *frowns* “Oh. You again.”

Edward: “Yeah. It’s me. Gotta problem with that?”

Koudelka: “Edward was just leaving.”

Edward: “Because you’re making me!”

Koudelka: “Good-bye, Edward!”

(she shoves him out the door and holds it shut. he looks a bit angry, glares at cid, then shakes his head and walks away)

Cid: “What’s that jackass doing here?”

Koudelka: “Don’t worry about it. What were you looking for?”

Cid: *shakes head* “I don’t even remember.”

(he goes back into the daycare. koudelka heaves a sigh)

Koudelka: “I never thought I’d have man problems.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(later, back at the belmonts…zell comes into the kitchen to find franswa pacing)

Zell: “You missed a great movie, man! First the snakes were on the plane, then they were like ‘we gotta get these snakes off this plane’! And there was cursing and stuff. It was cool.”

Franswa: “I’ve got a big problem.”

Zell: “Run out of bakers chocolate again?”

Franswa: “Worse. I need someone to design the interior of my new restaurant! But I can’t find anyone!”

Zell: “What about your grandpa? Isn’t that his kinda thing?”

Franswa: “I already asked him! He said he’s way too busy working on some kind of top secret project and doesn’t have the time. I need it by tomorrow night! And I can’t think of anyone else!”

(hugh enters.)

Hugh: “Hey, cousin! Did the mail come?”

Franswa: “It’s on the table.”

Hugh: “Anything for me?”

Franswa: “Just that interior decorating magazine.”

Hugh: “Great! Er…I mean dammit! Why do they keep sending me that magazine? I really have to call them and complain!”

(he grabs it off the table and leaves. zell and franswa look at each other)

Zell: “That magazine must have really bad customer service. He says that every month.”

Franswa: “Of course! I forgot all about him!”

Zell: “Huh?”

Franswa: *runs out into the hall* “Hugh! Wait!”

Hugh: “What?”

Franswa: “I need a favor!”

Hugh: *whips out a knife* “Is there a demon hiding in the house? I thought I smelled something foul.”

Franswa: “No. I need you to design the interior of my restaurant for me.”

Hugh: *blink blink* “I…can’t do that!”

Franswa: “Yes you can! You read all those interior decorating magazines!”

Hugh: “I get them by mistake!”

Franswa: “No you don’t! Your bedroom speaks for itself!”

Hugh: “Uh…grandpa did that.”

Franswa: “Hugh, stop lying. You have a talent for interior decorating. Why do you try to hide it?”

Hugh: *hangs head* “…Because. It’s girly. Imagine what the family would say if they found out!”

Franswa: “Well, grandpa—“

Hugh: “Besides grandpa!”

Franswa: *sigh* “Hugh, I don’t think being good at interior decorating is girly. Plenty of men do it. And I’m really in a bind here. I have to have something designed by tomorrow night.”

Hugh: “Tomorrow night?!”

Franswa: “So, can you do it? I’ll find a way to pay you back.”

Hugh: “…You don’t have to pay me back. I’ll…be glad to do it.”

Franswa: “Really? Thank you!” *hugs him*

Hugh: *looks totally awkward* “Heh heh…you’re welcome. Just don’t tell anyone in the family about this, okay?”

Franswa: *lets him go* “You got it!”

Hugh: “Okay, well…guess we better get to work.”

Franswa: “We?”

Hugh: “Yeah! I can’t design a restaurant without input from the owner, right?”

Franswa: *smiles* “Yeah…I guess you’re right.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(later, lark is in her room at the ramble complex when there’s a knock at the door.)

Lark: “It’s open!”

(Ashley and shell poke their heads in)

Ashley: “You alone?”

Lark: “Yeah…I’m not the skank that I used to be.”

Shell: “I never thought you’d admit it.”

Lark: “What’s up?”

Ashley: “Well we got some leads on the Playstation, so we’ll be checking them all out tomorrow.”

Lark: “What do you mean ‘leads’?”

Shell: “Well…it seems like a bootleg Playstation is hard to come by these days.”

Lark: “Really?”

Ashley: “Don’t worry, we’ll find one.”

Lark: *sigh* “…I have to admit this whole thing…it’s had me pretty edgy all day.”

Shell: “You didn’t tell anyone what happened, did you?”

Lark: “No! Did you?”

Shell: “No!”

Ashley: “I didn’t.”

All: “…………………”

Ashley: “…This is kinda scary…isn’t it.”

Lark: “…Very.”

Shell: “Don’t freak out about it! We’ll find a new one and everything will be fine! Rufus always says money can buy anything!” *pause* “Well, anything materialistic anyway. I mean you can’t buy air.” *pause* “…Or can you…?”

Lark: “We’ll get another one. I’ll do whatever it takes.”

Ashley: “Me too.”

Shell: “I’m in.”

All: “……………………”

Shell: “…Could you imagine if we couldn’t—“

Lark: “No. I can’t imagine it.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(the next morning there’s a loud knocking on lark’s door. it’s still dark out. she wakes up with a start)

Lark: “What the…?!”

(the door opens and in come Ashley and shell)

Shell: “Way to lock your door. No wonder Hojo’s gotten us so many times.”

Lark: “What time is it?”

Ashley: “Five o’clock. Hurry up and get dressed. We don’t have much time.”

Lark: “Huh? What’s going on?”

Ashley: *sigh* “Are we going to hunt down a new Playstation or not?”

Lark: “At five o’clock in the morning? Where exactly are we going?”

Shell: “To a guy in an alley who only works under the cover of darkness. Where else would Ashley have gotten her Playstation in the first place?”

Ashley: “Hey! He has a legitimate business!”

Shell: “You’re kidding, right? It’s called Five Finger Electronics for a reason.  And the reason isn’t that he’s got five fingers.”

Ashley: “Lark, just get dressed so we can go.”

Lark: *gets up* “So I guess this crook is our first stop.”

Ashley: “He’s not a—“

Shell: “Ashley, give it up.”

Ashley: *sigh* “Well this is where I got the old one from, so it’s worth a visit. Maybe he’s got more lying around.”

Lark: “Anything’s worth a shot.” *looks at herself in the mirror* “And I mean *anything*.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(when lark is ready they all sneak outside to the front porch and head over to the car)

Ashley: “I’m glad no one saw us.”

Shell: “At 5 a.m? Even Irvine and Reno have passed out by now!”

Lark: “Let’s just *quietly* get into the car and get going.”

(they quietly walk over to the car, but…)

???????: “Look! It’s some wood nymphs! Alucard, come quick! They’ve come to bless my morning porridge!”

Lark: “Dracula. Just ignore him.”

(they get into the car and drive away. dracula half heartedly chases their car to the end of his property)

Dracula: “Wait, wood nymphs! My porridge! My delicious, delicious porridge!” *pause* “Wait. What’s porridge?” *pause* “Wait. What’s a wood nymph?” *starts walking back to the house* “Alucard, what’s a wood nymph? And does it go good with porridge?”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, at this very early hour of the morning, hugh knocks on the door to franswa’s room. franswa answers rubbing his eyes)

Franswa: “….What time is it?”

Hugh: “It’s done.”

Franswa: “Huh?”

Hugh: “The restaurant design. It’s done.”

Franswa: *blink blink* “Have you been up all night?”

Hugh: “Yeah. You told me to.”

Franswa: “…No. I didn’t. I said *don’t* stay up all night.”

Hugh: “……Oh.”

Both: “……………………”

Hugh: *holds out paper* “Well it’s done.”

Franswa: *takes it* “Thanks.”

Hugh: “I’m really tired.”

Franswa: “Go to bed.”

(hugh wanders off. franswa shakes his head and looks down at the paper)

Franswa: “Well…at least it got done.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(a short while later, the girls arrive in a dark alley. none of them look at ease. there is a big, unmarked truck just sitting there.)

Lark: “Okay…this is a police report waiting to happen.”

Shell: “I am totally dressed wrong for this.”

Ashley: “Would you guys stop? We’ll be fine.”

????: “Hey, you there!”

Girls: *scream*

(a guy jumps out of the truck. he doesn’t look threatening…much)

Guy: “Hey yo! Quiet down there! Don’t go attractin’ any unwanted ‘attention’ if ya get my drift.”

Ashley: “Um, are you Tony?”

Guy: “Who wants to know? Are yousguys cops?”

Ashley: “No! I’ve bought stuff from you before!”

Tony: “No returns!”

Ashley: “I’m not here to return anything. I was wondering if you had any Playstations.”

Tony: “PS3’s? Tons! They’re cheap too! How ‘bout a dozen?”

Lark: “Not a PS3. A Playstation. The original one.”

Tony: “The original one? You serious?”

Lark: “Yes. We really, really need one.”

Tony: “Sorry. Don’t got none of those. Haven’t had any in years.”

Shell: “Really? You sure?”

Tony: “Yeah, I’m sure. Trust me, this kinda merchandise I got is quality. It don’t hang around long.”

Lark: *sighs and mutters* “Dammit.”

Ashley: “Let’s take a look at one of those PS3’s then.”

Lark: “What? Why? I have one of those already!”

Ashley: *whispers* “Maybe it has the same ‘feature’ of the original!”

Lark: “Oh! Good idea! Okay, let’s see one.”

Tony: “You got it.”

(he jumps back into the truck and starts rummaging through stuff)

Lark: “…And if it doesn’t…?”

Shell: “We’re not out of ideas yet.”

Lark: “Do any of these other ideas involve dark alleys that smell like urine at ungodly hours of the morning?”

Shell: “Thankfully no.”

(so tony finally comes back over with a ps3 box)

Tony: “Here you’s go.”

Ashley: “Great. Now open the box.”

Tony: “It’s the real thing, I swear! After that Playsystem 2 fiasco…heh. I ain’t never doin’ *that* again.”

Ashley: “Just open the box.”

Tony: “Fine, fine! I got nothin’ to hide.”

(he opens the box and the girls eagerly look the system over. sadly it’s just as normal as all the rest.)

Lark: “Nope. Nothing special.”

Ashley: “Time for plan B I guess.”

Shell: “It smells like more than pee over here.”

Tony: “You don’t want it?”

Ashley: “No thanks.”

Tony: “Aw, come on! I’ll knock 20% off!”

Ashley: “Hmmm… Well—“

Shell: “Ashley!”

Ashley: “No. Definitely not interested.”

Lark: “Let’s get out of here before someone steals my hubcaps.”

(they go back to the car. lark already looks defeated)

Ashley: “Okay, so that didn’t work out. We still have a bunch of leads!”

Lark: “Yeah, yeah. What’s the next one?”

Ashley: “You’ll see.”

Lark: “I don’t like the sound of that.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, some time later, it’s morning at the ramble room. sephiroth is awake and looking around)

Sephiroth: “Lark? Lark! Where the hell are you?” *pause* “Are you mad at me? Because I should be mad at you!”

(nothing. sephiroth stands there pouting as auron comes over)

Auron: “Good morning.”

Sephiroth: “No. *Bad* morning. Have you seen Lark?”

Auron: “I have not.”

Sephiroth: “Where the hell could she be?”

Auron: “Why are you looking for her? Did you actually get anyone to sign your little petition?”

Sephiroth: *frowns* “How do you know about that?”

Auron: “I’m just curious…don’t you have *anything* better to do with your time?”

Sephiroth: *clearly pissed* “Trust me, Auroran. Getting rid of you is a cause worth fighting for.”

Auron: “…Do you ever look in the mirror?”

Sephiroth: “What? Of course I do! All the time! Why, does my hair look bad?”

Auron: “…Even after all this time…nothing is more pathetic.”

(he walks away)

Sephiroth: *yells* “You can’t say crap like that and walk away from me! If anyone’s pathetic, it’s you! I will get you kicked out of here! You just wait!!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, at the castle next door, it seems Dante and Alucard have spent the night at Alucard’s place for a change. Dante isn’t wearing any pants.)

Dante: *stretching* “Ah… I slept like the dead last night – no pun intended.”

Alucard: “…Don’t you think you should put some pants on?”

Dante: “Why? You love it.”

Alucard: “True…but now we’re at my house.”

Dante: “So? Who’s going to see me? Your dad? Death? The three headed mutt out back?”

(the doorbell rings)

Alucard: *blink blink*

Dante: “That better not be Nelo…whatever the hell his name is, trying to get me to lend him my hair gel again. What a loser.”

Alucard: “It’s probably just dad.” *pause* “You sure about the pants thing?”

Dante: “You know it.”

(alucard sighs in annoyance and heads towards the door)

Alucard: “I’m tired of you forgetting your keys, dad! You shouldn’t be going on a morning turnip hunt anyway! Next time you can rot in the sun for all I care!”

(he opens the door. it’s not his dad. it’s D, his brother)

D: *gives alucard a hug* “Brother! I’ve missed you!”

Alucard: *totally frozen in shock*

D: “It’s great to see you! How have you been?”

Alucard: *still frozen*

D: *sees dante* “Why is there a naked man on the steps?”

Dante: *comes over* “Hey. You must be Alucard’s brother.”

D: “That’s right! I’m D!”

Dante: “I’m D too – D as in Dante that is. Nice to meet ya. I’m Alucard’s…really good friend.” *wink*

(they shake hands)

D: “Is there a reason you’re not wearing any clothes?”

Dante: “Just not a fan of them.”

Hand: “Me neither.”

Dante: *blink blink* “…Did your *hand* just talk?”

D: “You can ignore him. So Ally – where’s Dad?”

Alucard: *still frozen*

(then dracula comes to the top of the steps. he sees d and breaks into a huge smile)

Dracula: “Little Draky! You came back!”

D: “Hiya, Dad! It’s great to see you!”

(they hug)

Dracula: “Alucard! Did you say hi to your brother?”

D: *chuckles* “He’s just stunned with joy!”

Alucard: *still frozen*

Dracula: “And did you meet Alucard’s boyfriend? Even I think he’s hot!”

Dante: “Who doesn’t?”

D: “It’s hard to miss the naked man standing around.”

Dracula: “I bet it is! When I’m flinging cats, I always miss everything! Well come inside and have a bloodsickle! I made them with eyeballs!”

D: “Sounds great!”

Hand: “Gross.”

(dante watches as D and Dracula go into the kitchen. then he turns to the still frozen alucard and snaps his fingers in front of his eyes)

Dante: “Hey. You in there? I know you’re not dead.”

Alucard: “………………”

Dante: “Al? I know your brother’s kind of weird and has a disturbing talking hand, but come on. I’ve got Lloyd. There’s no competition.”

Alucard: “……………”

Dante: “Al.”

Alucard: *sounds pissed* “Did he…did he call me *Ally*?”

Dante: “Yeah…I think he kinda did.”

Alucard: *darkly* “That’s it. I can’t have this so called brother of mine hanging around. I’m going to make sure he never wants to show his face around here again.”

Dante: “I know I probably shouldn’t want to help you with this…but this dark side of you is kinda sexy.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, time is money, and rufus and algus are approaching a trailer besides a construction site – this must be Franswa’s new restaurant.)

Algus: “So how is the house coming?”

Rufus: “Great! I hired Juste Belmont to decorate. He was cheap.”

Algus: “Still haven’t breathed a word of it to Lark?”

Rufus: “No. But I’m getting to that.”

(they walk over to the door where franswa is already standing, the interior decorating plans in hand)

Algus: “Ah, good morning, Franswa. You already have the plans we discussed?”

Franswa: “All finished. Here you go.” *hands it to algus*

Algus: *looks it over* “Excellent. Who was the designer?”

Franswa: “Oh…just one of my relatives.”

Rufus: “It works. I’ll get it to my people. Speaking of people – this restaurant still doesn’t have a staff.”

Algus: “It will shortly. I placed an advertisement in the paper, being sure to mention your name, Rufus. I’m sure we will have an assortment of enthusiastic peasants eagerly awaiting us inside this trailer.”

(he opens the door and there is no assortment of peasants. in fact the only people in there are lloyd, nightmare, nemesis and zidane)

Rufus: “…Omg NO.”

Algus: “Zidane! What are you doing here??”

Zidane: “I’m here for a job. I made great tips working at Rufus’ restaurant.”

Algus: “Well you’re not hired!”

Zidane: “What? Why?? I was a great waiter!”

Algus: “Exactly! Which is why you must wait on me! Now get home and pick the lint from my carpet!”

Zidane: “But—“

Algus: “Now!”

(zidane frowns and leaves sadly.)

Franswa: “…I think you just sent the best employee away.”

Algus: “Nonsense! There must be more people…hiding…somewhere in this room.”

Rufus: “Nope. These are the only freaks who showed up.”

Lloyd: “Hey! You hired us before! I was a great employee!”

Rufus: “Are you joking? You broke everything!”

Lloyd: “Everything got what it deserved!”

Nightmare: “Nightmare loves to cook! Nightmare makes a mean jumbalaya!”

Nemesis: “STARS!”

Algus: “I don’t think any of them should be seen in public.”

Rufus: “There’s no way I’m hiring any of you ever.” *pause* “Again.”

Nightmare: “Nightmare will sue your ass for discrimination!”

Rufus: “You can’t do that! I’m not hiring you because you’re all incompetent, not because you’re freaks!”

Lloyd: “I’m not incompetent or a freak! I work hard!” *bangs hand on desk* “Ow! My hand! Stupid desk!” *kicks desk* “Ow! My foot! Stupid desk!” *kicks it again* “Ow!! My foot! Stupid—“

Rufus: “That’s it! Everybody out!”

Nemesis: “STARS!”

Rufus: “Yes, even you.”

(nightmare, nemesis and lloyd all head out looking annoyed)

Nightmare: “Nightmare didn’t want this job anyway! Nightmare is going to go try out for community theater production of Grease!”

Nemesis: “STARS?”

Nightmare: “No…Nightmare is not aiming that high. Nightmare will be happy to play punchy sidekick.”

(they all leave. rufus, algus and franswa all stand there looking at each other)

Rufus: “I told you not to put an ad in that paper, Algus.”

Algus: “I apologize, Rufus. Perhaps our ad will do better in a restaurant trade publication.”

Rufus: “From now on I’m only hiring people who are 100% human. Is that so much to ask?”

Algus: “Of course not, Rufus! Who would want anything less?”

Rufus: “No offense to non-humans, but in my experience they just don’t work out as well.”

Algus: “I completely agree.”

Rufus: “I mean am I wrong here? Remember that straw thing I hired? He burned the whole gas station down!” *pause* “May he rest in peace.”

Algus: “No need to defend yourself to me, Rufus. I look down on nearly everyone as it is.”

Franswa: “Um…can I go now?”

Algus: “Now that we have no one to interview, I suppose so. Do you know of anyone who might want a job?”

Franswa: “I don’t know…”

Algus: “Well if you do, bring them by. In the meanwhile we’ll supervise the construction and talk about the new issue of Rich and Pompous Weekly.”

Rufus: “Did you *see* the gold toothbrush?”

Algus: “Yes.” *snort* “Like I would brush my teeth with anything that wasn’t made out of platinum.”

Franswa: “…I’ll see you later.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, in loser land, seymour is sleeping soundly in his bed when kuja comes over looking kind of pissed off.)

Kuja: “Get up. You left all your so called hair products in the shower and I’m not using it until you fumigate it!”

Seymour: *asleep*

Kuja: *shakes his shoulders* “Get up! My eyelashes can’t curl themselves!”

(seymour, who is still asleep and apparently not easily awakened grabs kuja’s arms and pulls him into bed with him.)

Kuja: “Hey! Let go of me! I’m not nearly drunk enough to get into bed with you again!”

(and with that he punches seymour in the face. now that wakes seymour up)

Seymour: *hand to his face* “Ow! What happened?”

Kuja: *gets up* “That’s what you get for trying to molest me first thing in the morning! I hope you’re not modeling yourself after Hojo!”

Seymour: “Huh?”

Kuja: “Forget it! Keep your contaminated bathroom! I’ll go elsewhere!”

(he grabs his things and storms out. seymour lies there looking confused)

Seymour: “…What just happened here?”

(he gets up and chases kuja into the hall)

Seymour: “Hey! You get in bed with me and then punch me in the face?”

Kuja: “Are you *kidding* me? I wouldn’t voluntarily get into bed with you if you were the last man on the planet. You *pulled* me into bed with you.” *flips hair over shoulder* “Though I can’t say I don’t see why.”

Seymour: “Please. I, uh, was probably dreaming of someone more attractive, or, uh, something.”

Kuja: “Right. That’s impossible.”

Seymour: “No it’s not! Because you’re ugly! You’re ugly and you’re smelly and I hate you!”

Kuja: “Geez. *Someone’s* PMSing.”

(he turns and goes into the bathroom. seymour stands there looking shocked at his own behavior. scarlet walks over)

Scarlet: “Thanks for waking me up with your immature cat fight. I really needed that after a night of heavy drinking.”

Seymour: “He started it. He punched me in the face.”

Scarlet: “I’m surprised he even knows how to make a fist.”

Seymour: “Well it hurt.” *touches face* “He’s got long nails. Long…beautiful nails…”

Scarlet: *snort*

Seymour: “What?”

Scarlet: “You totally like him.”

Seymour: “What?! No! No…I don’t.”

Scarlet: *rolls eyes* “Right. And Heidegger isn’t raiding the fridge right now.”

Heidegger’s voice: “I’m eating cheese! Gya haa haa!”

Scarlet: *smug smile*

Seymour: “You don’t know anything!”

(he stomps back into his room. then hojo comes running into the hallway totally out of breath.)

Hojo: *gasping for breath* “Did…I…hear…something…about…a…cat…fight?”

Scarlet: *blink blink* “Where the hell were you?”

Hojo: “Well I was standing naked in front of a mirror with a test tube and a turkey baster—“

Scarlet: “Never mind. Forget I said anything.” *walks away*

Hojo: *blink blink*

Heidegger’s voice: “Gya haa haa! Even I’m nauseous a little!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(a short time later, the rejected employees – nightmare, nemesis and lloyd, are dejectedly walking down the street)

Nightmare: “—So now Nightmare takes tap dancing lessons down at the Y on Tuesdays and Thursdays! Nightmare is becoming more graceful!”

Nemesis: “STARS!”

Lloyd: “This is so stupid! That guy is such a stupid stupid head! Wasn’t I a great manager?”

Nemesis: *shakes head no* “STARS!”

Lloyd: “Well he’s gonna be sorry when we all find way better jobs and come back and shove it in his face!”

Nightmare: “Jobs are hard to find. Nightmare got laughed out of Abercrombie and Fitch!”

Lloyd: “They laughed at me too. But they won’t be laughing when we’re making tons of money to spend at their store!”

Nightmare: “Nothing at that store remotely fits Nightmare.”

Lloyd: “Whatever! The important thing is we’re going to be rich!”

Nemesis: “STARS?”

Lloyd: “We can think of something! We’re three smart guys! Well…a smart guy, a possessed suit of armor and a…whatever the hell you are.”

Nemesis: “STARS!”

Lloyd: “I know! We’ll start our own company! We can call it Triple N incorporated! Yeah! Dante’d never be smart enough to think of something awesome like that!”

Nemesis: “STARS?”

Nightmare: “Nightmare not too good at spelling, but pretty sure Lloyd doesn’t start with N!”

Lloyd: “It’s Vergil! Or it used to be! My name starts with an N all right! I legally changed it – to Nelo Angelo!” *proudly shows off legal papers*

Nightmare and Nemesis: *blink blink*

Nightmare: “Nightmare doesn’t understand why you would change your name *to*–“

Lloyd: “Okay, shut up! That name is awesome, okay? And together us three N’s will take the world by storm with our awesome business!”

(all of the sudden someone leaps out of the bushes and tackles nightmare to the ground)

Kilik: “Die, Nightmare!”

Nightmare: “Get your big stick away from Nightmare’s ass!”

Nemesis and Lloyd: *blink blink*

Lloyd: “…Okay, even I didn’t wanna hear that.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(so, after hours of driving, the girls pull up to a rotting cabin in the woods. they all look confused, especially lark)

Lark: “Okay…why are we here?”

Shell: “This is the address.”

Lark: “Address for what?”

Ashley: “The ad I found in the paper. It says ‘Real Playstation with unusual feature. Best offer’.”

Lark: “You really think they have a Playstation in there? Because I think it’s the home of Jason Voorhees.”

Shell: “Get out of the car.”

(they do, and cautiously approach the door)

Ashley: “Ugh, it smells like dead cow over here.” *pause* “It’s really sad that I know what dead cow smells like.”

(shell knocks on the door. seconds later, the door opens and it’s apparent why the area reeks of dead cow. the girls gasp. it’s cousin maxwell)

Maxwell: “Well kiss my three toes! Never thought I’d see you purdy ladies again!”

Shell: “I don’t believe this.”

Lark: “I’m gonna be sick.”

Maxwell: “Ya’ll wanna come in and have yourselves a glass a lemonade? There ain’t no lemons in it, though. Mostly just flies and turpentine.”

Ashley: “Uh, we’ll pass. Actually we’re just here about your ad in the paper. The one about the Playstation with the unusual feature?”

Maxwell: “I know that ad! Had to pay a man a whole dollar to spell out all them words for me! Highway robbery! Took me 4 years to piece that dollar together from scraps I found! You’d be surprised at all the stuff a sheep poops out!”

Girls: *look disgusted*

Shell: “Uh…can we just see the Playstation?”

Maxwell: “Surely! Come on in!”

(he goes into the ‘house’. the girls look reluctant but they follow. inside there’s grandpa in his rocking chair as usual. there’s also flossy, who looks sicker than ever, and of course, bessie, the dead cow)

Maxwell: “We up and moved ‘cause our land was valuable! Got 2 whole shoes for it! They don’t match and they don’t fit, but at least they ain’t got no holes in ‘em! They’s real fancy shoes!”

Lark: “Uh huh…”

Grandpa: “Flossy! Look! It’s them fancy city girls!”

Flossy: *baas and falls over*

Shell: “Omg! Flossy just died!”

Maxwell: “Nah, she’s fine! Just poke her with a stick for awhile! She’ll get up!”

Grandpa: “Get up, Flossy! We gots company!” *pokes flossy with a stick*

Flossy: *baas pathetically*

Ashley: “That poor, poor sheep.”

Lark: “Where’s the Playstation?”

Maxwell: “I’ll go get it! You fine ladies talk to Bessie while I’m gone!”

(he leaves.)

Ashley: *mutters* “That cow is deader than ever…”

Grandpa: “Ya’ll wanna visit momma’s grave? We went and dug her up before we moved. She still looks mighty fine. Mighty fine.” *licks lips*

Lark: *murmurs* “I’m really gonna be sick…”

Maxwell: “I gots the Playstation!”

Shell: “Finally!”

(he comes out and proudly displays…the top lid of a playstation. the girls all stare at it)

Ashley: “Are you kidding me? That’s only the top of the Playstation! You can’t do anything with that!”

Maxwell: “That’s the unusual feature! I found it in the woods while I was out for my romantic time with Flossy!”

Girls: *shudder*

Flossy: *baas pathetically*

Lark: “I should have known this would be a waste of our time!”

Ashley: “Let’s go!”

Maxwell: “Fine! Guess my Playstation part ain’t good enough for you fancy city slickers! What, with your socks and your white teeth!”

Grandpa: “And all your toenails!” *cackles*

Lark: “Let’s get out of here!”

(they all leave, slamming the door behind them. seconds later, the door opens again and shell sticks her head in. her words reduce maxwell to hysterical tears)

Shell: “AND THAT COW IS DEAD!!”

To Be Continued…

 

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