#186 – Dear Diary

Sephiroth: “There! Now everybody will know the *truth*!”

Originally Published: 8/22/06 . 15 pages

Get a peek inside Sephiroth’s diary and see him describe his day…then see what really happened.

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

I wish I remembered where this idea came from. I wish I had come up with it sooner so I could have done more like it. Many of the characters have a skewed point of view, but Sephiroth was obviously the #1 candidate. My favorite part is his interaction with Kefka. …And how he couldn’t bring himself to come back until 2 hours later.

Dear stupid diary,

I found this thing lying around. I wasnt interested in writing in it as much as I was in reading it, but it was empty. And Im bored. And my life should be preserved for prosperity anyway. So here I am.

My name is Sephiroth. I have no last name that I choose to identify myself with. My mother is a kind enough person who Ive just come into contact with kind of recently. As for my so-called father, well, he can go to hell and burn for all eternity for all I care. In fact, I hope thats what happens to him, because thats what he deserves.

I currently reside in this place they call the ramble complex. I live here with a bunch of other people. Its like a hotel of dysfunction. Were all from Final Fantasy games. Weve got a bunch of outcasts living near by, vampires next door, and other rejects living across the street. I know, it sounds like it came from the mind of a demented weirdo.

Today I had a rather typical day, but even a typical day for me is way better than the typical day of some other loser. When I woke up this morning I came into the ramble room. I like to check in and see whos being annoying already. Today Lark was in there, and she was falling all over me as usual. Im kind of interested, but I like to keep my options open. Been there, done that, you know? Anyway, the other ramble girls were there too and they were talking about boring girl stuff that bores the hell out of every guy on the planet. I dont even know why I stayed as long as I did. Probably because I just wanted to grace them with my presence and make them feel inferior. Im sure they did.


(This is what really happened.)


(sephiroth walks into the ramble room yawning widely. lark, shell and Ashley are there.)

Lark: “Morning, Sephy!”

Sephiroth: “Hey, Lark. Your hair looks great. Are you using a new shampoo?”

Lark: “Yeah! Shell recommended it!”

Ashley: “I’ve been using it too. It really does work wonders.”

Shell: “It better, for 250 bucks a bottle.”

Sephiroth: “250 dollars?! For shampoo?! And I thought my shampoo was expensive!”

Shell: “You can’t put a price on beauty.”

Lark: “Didn’t Kuja tell you about this shampoo?”

Shell: “Yup. We share beauty secrets all the time.”

Ashley: “It’s kind of weird to be sharing those with a man…”

Sephiroth: “Why is the shampoo so expensive? What’s so special about it?”

Shell: *shrugs* “I don’t know. Kuja was trying to explain it to me, but I don’t really care. To me, more expensive automatically means it’s better.”

Sephiroth: “Well do they make a kind for silver hair?”

Shell: “I don’t know. Do I have silver hair?”

Sephiroth: “Dammit! Now I’ve gotta look into this!” *stalks out*

Lark: “…I don’t think I’ve ever known a guy who tried to be more manly but  was totally obsessed with his hair.”

Ashley: “We live with a bunch of weirdos.”


After I saw the girls I ran into Tseng in the hallway. He was happy to see me, of course, because everyone is always happy to see me. Why wouldnt they be? Anyway, he talked pointlessly about himself as usual. He never shuts up about himself. He thinks hes pretty hot stuff. I dont know how he can think that when Im around so much. Thank god I was able to get out of that conversation quickly and get on to the better things I had to do that day.


(This is what really happened.)


Tseng: “Hi, Sephiroth. How are you?”

Sephiroth: *big sigh* “God, Tseng. Do you always have to talk about yourself?”

Tseng: “…I asked you how *you* were. How is that talking about myself?”

Sephiroth: “I’m looking for some really expensive shampoo that costs 250 bucks a bottle. Have you heard of it?”

Tseng: “250 bucks a bottle? On the salary Rufus pays me? I don’t think so. Who would buy shampoo that expensive anyway? For 250 bucks it better have gold in it or something!”

Sephiroth: “Rufus. I bet he’s heard of it. That bastard has water imported to wash his hair in.”

Tseng: “That’s pretty sick. Anyway, I’ve gotta go get Lily from Elena. I’ll see you later.”

Sephiroth: “What?! Where are you going?”

Tseng: “…I just told you. I have to go get Lily.”

Sephiroth: “So give her to Reeve! You have to come with me to find Rufus and discover more about this shampoo!”

Tseng: “…I’m leaving. Bye!” *walks away*

Sephiroth: “Don’t think I won’t remember this! I have a memory like a steel trap!”


Once I was finally able to get the hell out of there I had the misfortune of running into Rufus Shinra, who has to be one of the most obnoxious people on the planet, except for Zell, Zidane and that jerk Dante and his dimwit brother. Speaking of talking about yourself, that is all Rufus ever does ever. And he was with Algus, who is just a freak. Seriously. Asexuality is such crap. So you never wanna have sex ever? So you never have that problem where you really want it but cant get any? Loser. Not like I have that problem. Im totally hot so I can get it whenever I want. Anyway, Algus was there and wherever he is Zidane follows. And I didnt want to talk to any of them, but everyone always wants to talk to me, so I got stuck in another boring conversation. God, why am I so popular? I had to get out of there fast because I had other places I needed to be. A popular guy like me is in demand.


(This is what really happened.)


(sephiroth runs outside to the porch swing where rufus and algus are sitting. Zidane is standing there holding a drink to algus lips)

Sephiroth: “Rufus! There you are! I’ve been looking all over for you!”

Rufus: “I’ve been enjoying the last days of summer on the newish porch swing with my friend Algus.”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, that’s borderline gay. I have to ask you something.”

Algus: “If it’s about the profits from the cruise ship I’m in charge of that and they’ll be automatically deposited into your account this week.”

Zidane: “I wish I had a bank account.”

Algus: “I got you that bank.”

Zidane: “It was a tootsie roll bank. And you took all the tootsie rolls out. And I don’t have any money so I can’t even use it as a bank!”

Algus: “Then use it to beg for coins on the street. I don’t care. I got it for free.”

Sephiroth: “Anyway, Rufus – have you heard of 250 dollar shampoo?”

Rufus: “250 bucks for shampoo?” *snort* “Who’d use cheap shampoo like that?”

Sephiroth: “What?”

Rufus: “The stuff I use costs way more than that. Of course, it’s all specially made for me and is the only kind in the world. When you’re as rich as I am everything you have is specially made.”

Algus: “Quite right, Rufus! Why just the other day I commissioned a custom made toilet seat for my new bathroom.”

Zidane: *mutters* “That’s because there’s no normal ones that fit your fat ass.”

Algus: “I heard that, Zidane. You can kiss that tootsie roll bank good-bye.”

Zidane: “Fine. It was made of cardboard anyway.”

Sephiroth: “Dammit. Who else would know about it?” *frowns* “Ugh. I do not feel like going over *there* today.”

Rufus: “Where? The Disco-Center? Me neither. Some Rufus brand fungicide caught on fire last week. I don’t know what was in that stuff or what was wrong with it, but I can’t go in there without throwing up.”

Sephiroth: “No! I’m leaving.” *stalks off*

Algus: “Perhaps you should have the place professionally cleaned.”

Rufus: *snort* “I pay those freaks I hired enough. They’ll get clean air again someday.”

Algus: “You have a good point, Rufus. As always.”


After I was finally able to escape from there I had to go over to Dantes house. He and Alucard were practically begging me to stop by. So I figured Id go over there for awhile and look down on them. Lloyd was there too being an idiot as usual. God, sometimes I just wanna punch him in the face. That would feel awesome. Anyway, so I went over there and was stuck talking to *them* for awhile. And I totally insulted Dante. I totally got him. I embarrassed him right in front of Alucard. It was great. And on that high note, I left.


(This is what really happened.)


(sephiroth is knocking on the door to the condo)

Sephiroth: “It’s me, you jerks! Let me in!”

Lloyd’s voice: “Call me by me real name first!”

Sephiroth: “No! Now let me in before I break the door down!”

(the door opens and Lloyd is standing there)

Lloyd: “Dante said you can go $%^# off.”

Sephiroth: “He can go $#%^ off! I didn’t come to talk to him! Where’s Alucard?”

Lloyd: “In the kitchen. I’m supposed to be at work right now but I called out sick because I really feel sick when I go there. I think the air is toxic.”

Sephiroth: “You should be sure to breathe lots of that in then.”

(he goes into the kitchen where dante and alucard are)

Dante: “Back again, huh? You just can’t stay away from me.”

Sephiroth: “More like your stench should keep me away.”

Dante: “Yeah, I guess the scent of sex becomes repulsive when you haven’t had any since the stone age.”

Sephiroth: “*Anyway*, I didn’t come here to talk to you. Alucard – have you heard of 250 dollar shampoo?”

Alucard: “They raised the price of Shimmery Silver Streaks that much?”

Sephiroth: “No, it’s a totally new shampoo. The ramble girls were telling me about it.”

Alucard: *thoughtfully* “I don’t think I’ve heard of it.”

Sephiroth: *big sigh then a pause* “…Have *you* heard of it?”

Dante: “Me?”

Sephiroth: “Yes, *you*.”

Dante: “I have a name. And it’s a rather sexy name. You should use it.”

Sephiroth: “No.”

Dante: “Use it.”

Sephiroth: “No!”

Dante: “Just do it. It’ll feel good.”

Sephiroth: “No!”

Dante: *shrugs* “Too bad. Guess I have no info for ya then.”

Sephiroth: *grits his teeth* “Fine, *Dante*. Have you heard of it, or not?”

Dante: “No.”

Sephiroth: “You son of a bitch!”

Dante: “You got your answer. Can you go now? Al and I are gonna go have sex. I guess we could let you watch…that way when you finally get some again you remember what to do.”

Sephiroth: “$%^& you!” *storms out*

Alucard: *sigh*

Dante: “Man, I love when he comes over.”


So after I left Dante to cry like the baby he is I headed back over to the ramble room. And just my luck, you know who I ran into next? Vincent. Could he be anymore in love with me? I mean I cant even talk to him without him trying to practically throw himself at me. If you look under desperate in the dictionary youll find his face there. He tried to rope me into helping him with something, and of course I downright refused. I cant be behind closed doors with him! Hell probably try and take advantage of me. Not like I can blame him, I am totally and irresistibly hot, but geez. Get a grip.


(This is what really happened.)


(sephiroth is walking back towards the ramble room when vincent spots him)

Vincent: “Hello, angel.”

Sephiroth: *huge sigh* “Vincent, can’t you see that I’m busy?”

Vincent: “Sorry, angel. I was just saying hello. I’ll leave you alone.”

Sephiroth: “Well what are you doing right now?”

Vincent: “Me? Oh. Nothing. Why? Do you need help with something?”

Sephiroth: “Yes! Something very important! I’m trying to find out more information about this 250 dollar shampoo but no one seems to know much of anything about it!”

Vincent: “…Two hundred and fifty dollar shampoo?”

Sephiroth: “I need to know if they make it for silver hair or not!”

Vincent: “I thought the shampoo you use was already quite expensive.”

Sephiroth: “It is. Trust me – it is. But this one is more expensive! So that must mean it’s better!”

Vincent: “Not necessarily…”

Sephiroth: “What do you know about hair, Vincent? You buy whatever shampoo is on sale.  God knows your hair won’t be winning any awards any time soon.”

Vincent: “I wasn’t even aware there were awards for hair.”

Sephiroth: “What?! Okay, I see you are not the right person to help me with this important task!”

Vincent: “That’s not true… Perhaps I could do a search on the internet.”

Sephiroth: “Internet! Good idea! Can you work the computer with your claw?”

Vincent: *frowns* “Yes.”

Sephiroth: “Perfect! You go do that! Meanwhile I…” *gulp* “…Will go talk to the person who told the ramble girls about this in the first place.”

Vincent: “Kuja?”

Sephiroth: “The one and only.”

Vincent: “Good luck.”

Sephiroth: “I’ll need it.”


After I finally got him off my back I next had the unfortunate task of going to Loser Land. Now this is the last place in the world anyone wants to go, least of all me. The freaks and weirdos who inhabit that place are far worse than anything you can imagine. However, someone had to be brave and go over there to do the thing I had to do. It was a very important mission something that could not be entrusted to anyone else. Once I arrived I was immediately attacked by a hideous monster. With my amazing strength I managed to fend it off and get down to the task at hand. I found Kuja and after some prodding walked away with my head held high and the information I needed. Of course I also had to fend off the other weirdos living there, worst of all the man who calls himself my father, but it was worth it. I was triumphant! Of course.


(This is what really happened.)


(sephiroth is at loser land, knocking on the door looking rather exasperated)

Sephiroth: “Where are you freaks?! Answer already! This is even worse than usual!”

(then the door finally opens. and who is standing there? whys kefka, decked out in full clown gear)

Kefka: “Hehehehe! I see you when you’re sleeping!”

Sephiroth: *eyes get wide* “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” *runs away*

(two hours later)

(sephiroth returns to loser land, shaking and looking terrified. he knocks on the door and then braces himself, covering his face. seymour answers the door)

Seymour: “What? Kuja’s make-up job is hideous, isn’t it. I knew I shouldn’t have let him anywhere near my skin.”

Sephiroth: “Huh?” *straightens up* “Oh, no. I, uh, have something in my eye.” *pause* “Is the…uh…guy with the brightly painted face still around?”

Seymour: “You mean Kefka? No, thank god. I think he went back to the attic.”

Sephiroth: *shudder* “Good. Is Kuja here?”

Seymour: “Of course.” *sigh* “Kuja! Someone here to see you!”

(sephiroth walks in, and the main room is oddly deserted. kuja comes out of the back, his hair wrapped in a towel.)

Kuja: “Of course someone is! I’m very popular!”

Seymour: “Sure you are.”

Kuja: “Oh! Sephiroth! *This* is a surprise.”

Sephiroth: “Where are the rest of the weirdoes?”

Kuja: “Well, Hojo is still recovering from his run in with Kefka…”

Seymour: “Nida is off doing something at Garden…”

Kuja: “I believe Scarlet and Heidegger are at the office.”

Seymour: “So that leaves us!”

Sephiroth: “Really?”

Seymour: “Yes. What do you think we do around here all day? Just sit on the couch and try and kill each other?”

Sephiroth: “…Well, yeah.”

Kuja: “Seymour, stop wasting the man’s time. What can I help you with? You want a facial too?” *sigh* “I really should just start my own business.”

Sephiroth: “I’m just here for some information, Kuja. The ramble girls told me about a 250 dollar shampoo they’ve been using. Apparently you told them about it.”

Kuja: “Of course I did. I only use the best.”

Sephiroth: “Ah *ha*! I knew it was the best! In your *face*, Vincent!” *pauses and clears throat* “Uh, I’ll have to tell him that later. Anyway, do they make it for silver hair?”

Kuja: “No.”

Sephiroth: “No?! But you just told me you only use the best!”

Kuja: “I do. That shampoo I told them about is fine for black, brown and blonde hair. But for silver hair? Only Le Silver Hair Perfume is good enough. And that’s 500 dollars per 8 ounces.”

Sephiroth: “500 dollars?! Per *8* ounces?! That’s highway robbery!”

Kuja: “I know. So cheap. My hair looks amazing.”

Sephiroth: “Cheap? Are you insane?! I can use up 8 ounces of shampoo in one shower! Do you *see* how much hair I have?”

Kuja: “You really could use a good trim.”

Sephiroth: “Forget it! I’ll stick with my old shampoo.”

(he leaves, slamming the door behind him)

Kuja: “God, what I would do if I could just get my hands on those eyebrows.”

Seymour: “You are sick.”


On my way out of that hell hole, guess who I ran into *again*? It was Vincent. Again. And he wanted to annoy me. Again. At this point I just wanna scream at him to get a hobby! Does he think I have all the time in the world and can just stop to talk to him whenever he wants? As Ive repeatedly mentioned, Im an in demand guy!


(This is what really happened.)


(sephiroth is heading back to the ramble room when vincent excitedly intercepts him, several print outs in hand)

Vincent: “Sorry it took so long, angel. There was a problem with the printer. But I found—“

Sephiroth: *holds hand up* “It’s fine. I got the information already.”

Vincent: “Oh.” *frowns* “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

Sephiroth: “I just talked to him now.”

Vincent: “But you said you were going to do that two hours ago.”

Sephiroth: “I had a short…diversion.”

Vincent: “Oh. I see.” *folds the papers up* “Guess you won’t be needing to see any of this then.”

Sephiroth: “Nope. Later.” *walks away*

Vincent: *frowns*


So anyway, that was a typical day in the life of the awesome *me*, Sephiroth. Try not to get jealous we all cant be great. Besides, there are occasional problems with being so great. Number one is that people you dont want to talk to always want to talk to you. And number two is that youre always stuck doing stuff other people dont want to because they know youre so great that you can do it better. Sometimes it really is hard living each and every day with so many people thinking so highly of you.

(sephiroth finishes writing in the diary and puts his pen down)

Sephiroth: “There! Now everybody will know the *truth*!”





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