#185 – Family Fitness

Sephiroth: *annoyed sigh* “Do I have to explain it to everyone? It’s like the food chain but for sex! People who are good are at the top and people who suck are Zidane.”

Originally Published: 8/18/06 . 40 pages

Synopsis
Lark organizes a work out program for the ramble room. Meanwhile, Rufus, Scarlet and Nida go to meed Sunshine’s adopted family.

Ramble Milestones
-We meet Sunshine’s adopted family.

This is one is cute. I like the family dynamic with Sunshine, Rufus and Scarlet. And I’m the last person who should be writing about exercise, but I love the sexual food chain conversation. That was brought up before as a passing comment, and someone suggested I write more about the concept.

(we open in the ramble room where sephiroth and bryatt are talking. sephiroth appears to be thinking)

Sephiroth: “Hmm… If I really had to choose, I’d shoot Brady. But then I’d shoot Dante when they weren’t looking.”

Bryatt: “How generous of you.”

Sephiroth: “I pretty much hate them equally. It’s a hard choice.”

Bryatt: “You hate a lot of people.”

Sephiroth: “I do. But it’s more their problem than mine.”

Bryatt: “How did I get stuck talking to you again?”

Sephiroth: “Hey, no one’s holding a gun to your head, buddy! I only carry a sword! Besides, you should be so lucky to have such an interesting conversation! Aren’t you sleeping with Zidane?”

Bryatt: “I don’t know why they call it sleep when it’s not really the sleeping part they’re referring to. And yes, I am.”

Sephiroth: *shakes head*

Bryatt: “What?”

Sephiroth: “He’s *Zidane*! He’s at the bottom of the sexual ladder! The only one lower than him is Lloyd – and he isn’t even on it at all!”

Bryatt: “Sexual ladder?”

Sephiroth: *sighs like everyone should know this* “The sexual ladder! It’s like the food chain of sex! There are people who are at the bottom and people who are at the top. Like the humans…” *holds hand up high* “And the paramecium.” *holds hand down low*

Bryatt: “Are paramecium even on the food chain?”

Sephiroth: “Zidane, is down here. All the way at the bottom by himself. Why? Because of his inexperience, but also because of his looks, tail and his annoying personality.”

Bryatt: “There is nothing wrong with Zidane.”

Sephiroth: “You were once near the top, but I’m afraid you being with Zidane knocks you down a notch. Because desperation is another factor that knocks you down on the chain. Hence, Zidane’s lowly status.”

Bryatt: “And where does everyone else fall on this sexual food chain?”

Sephiroth: “Well I’m at the top, of course. Along with Tseng, Lark, Alucard, and, well, I guess Vincent.”

Bryatt: “Oh, everyone you’ve slept with. How convenient.”

Sephiroth: “A step down we have Reno and Irvine. Due to their lack of standards they get knocked down. Being a manwhore walks a fine line with desperation – if you’re not picky, you’re not worthy.”

Bryatt: “You’ve spent way too much time thinking about this.”

Sephiroth: “Most of the other people in the ramble room fall into the next category – like you, for instance. And there’s the category right before Zidane. That’s where Zell, Reeve, Seifer, Auron and Brady are.”

Bryatt: “And why are they there?”

Sephiroth: “Well Zell should be obvious. Reeve is just not attractive enough. Seifer – not even his own girlfriend wants to have sex with him, Auron is disgusting in every definition of the word, and Brady is just repulsive.”

Bryatt: “If Reeve and Brady are down so low, why are they with people at the top?”

Sephiroth: “Well have you heard that news story about the tortoise and the hippo?”

(before bryatt can answer, lark and tseng enter)

Lark: “Hello!”

Tseng: “What are you guys doing here?”

Bryatt: “Well, hello! And tell me, how does it feel to be at the top of the sexual food chain?”

Lark: “What?”

Tseng: “Oh god. You haven’t been going on about that again, have you?”

Sephiroth: “More people should know!”

Lark: “What are you talking about?”

Bryatt: “Trust me. You don’t wanna know.”

Sephiroth: “So what are you ladies up to?”

Tseng: “That’s less and less funny every time.”

Lark: “We were out walking! I’m trying to exercise more.”

Bryatt: “You were exercising? With Tseng? Do you have a death wish?”

Tseng: “What is that supposed to mean?”

Bryatt: “Remember that time we went jogging? I think I passed out somewhere around the 4 mile mark.”

Tseng: *shrugs* “I don’t know why you were so tired.”

Bryatt: “Exactly.”

Lark: “I think everyone around here should exercise more! Maybe I should organize something…”

Sephiroth: “Great idea! That’ll show everybody who’s the best!”

Lark: “Sephy, you can’t be the best at exercising.”

Sephiroth: “I can be the best at everything!”

(then rufus enters)

Rufus: “Hello, all!”

Lark: “Hi, Rufus!”

Bryatt: “Now what about Rufus, Sephiroth? Surely his good looks and money puts him ahead of the masses on your little chart.”

Sephiroth: *shakes head* “No. Major personality deduction.”

Rufus: “What?”

Tseng: “Don’t ask.”

Rufus: “Anyway, Sunshine just called me. She said she wants me and Scarlet to meet her adopted parents tomorrow.”

Lark: “Oh! That’ll be nice!”

Rufus: “I guess. She said they live in Kalm.”

Sephiroth: “It is totally gross that Scarlet had a kid. Has Sunshine been tested? Because I would think most of the stuff she had could be passed on to the baby.”

Lark: “Sephiroth…”

Sephiroth: “What? It’s a valid question!”

Bryatt: “You must have a lot of time by yourself to think of all that crap.”

Sephiroth: “No I don’t. Shut up.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, over in loser land, scarlet is hanging up the phone.)

Scarlet: “Crap.”

Hojo: “Court date changed again?”

Scarlet: “Worse. That was Sunshine. She wants me to come and meet her adopted family tomorrow.”

Nida: “Ooh, cool! Am I invited?”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! They’ll know you’re a whore!”

Scarlet: “Shut up, Heidegger!”

Seymour: “Why didn’t you just say no?”

Scarlet: “I can’t! She’s my daughter! And she was all excited about it. She even invited Rufus!”

Nida: “Did she invite me?”

Kuja: “You better get bleaching, honey. You’ve got a lot of work to do.”

Scarlet: “I have nothing to wear tomorrow!  They’ll think I’m cheap!”

Kuja: “You are cheap.”

Hojo: “It’s times like this I’m glad me and my son have such an awful, dysfunctional relationship.”

Nida: “Am I invited?”

Scarlet: “No, Nida, you’re not invited!”

Nida: *frowns* “Why not? I’m almost her boyfriend!”

Scarlet: “You’re not even close.”

Nida: “Screw you, whore! Yes I am! I’m gonna go call her and ask right now!” *stalks out*

Scarlet: “This is gonna be bad enough as it is! I don’t want him annoying the hell outta me the whole time!”

Kuja: “Considering the condition of the mascara you’re wearing right now, you have bigger problems.”

Scarlet: “I need to look good for tomorrow. Help me pick out something to wear.”

Kuja: “I hope you mean at the store, because unless her parents are pimps they’re not going to be impressed.”

Scarlet: “The store?!” *annoyed sigh*

Seymour: “You’re an executive. Why are you so cheap?”

Scarlet: “I have a lot of debt.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Expensive lawyers!”

Hojo: “I can relate to that.”

Scarlet: “What store do you have in mind?”

Kuja: “Well it’s not Kmart.”

Scarlet: “What?! Why not?”

Kuja: “Ugh. As if it isn’t obvious. How about Neiman Marcus?”

Scarlet: “No way! Too expensive! How about Target?”

Kuja: “God no. BCBG.”

Scarlet: “No! Kohls.”

Kuja: “Gross. Banana Republic.”

Scarlet: “No way! Old Navy.”

Kuja: *huge sigh* “Gap. And that’s as low as I’ll go.”

Scarlet: *sigh* “Fine. Can we shop from the sale racks?”

Kuja: “Stuff only goes on sale because nobody else wants it. Do you want to wear clothes that no one else would be caught dead in?”

Scarlet: “…Yes…?”

Kuja: “Omg, you need more help than Seymour.”

Seymour: “I told you!”

Kuja: “Let’s go.”

(and so kuja, seymour and scarlet leave. just as they go nida comes back in)

Nida: “She said I could come! So in your face Scar—hey! Where’d the whore go?”

Hojo: “Out shopping.”

Heidegger: “Serious makeover! Gya haa haa!”

Nida: “You’re one to talk! Most of your clothes are covered in rips and holes because you’re too fat for them anymore!”

Heidegger: “I’m morbidly obese! Gya haa haa!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(later in the ramble room, lark is walking around putting up flyers. sephiroth walks behind her talking to alucard)

Sephiroth: “…And that is basically how the sexual food chain system works.”

Alucard: “It seems to be set up in your own favor.”

Sephiroth: “It just worked out that way.”

Alucard: “I just came over to get that money you borrowed from me.”

Sephiroth: *annoyed sigh* “It was 10 bucks. You can’t spare it?”

Alucard: “*You* can’t? You’re so cheap. You should make a cheapness food chain and put yourself at the top.”

Sephiroth: “Now that’s just ridiculous! You can’t make a food chain for everything!”

Lark: “I don’t know why you keep calling it a food chain when it doesn’t involve food.”

Sephiroth: “That way it’s easy to draw a comparison.”

Lark: “Uh-huh.”

Alucard: “What are those flyers for, Lark?”

Lark: “Oh! Tseng and I decided to have a day of exercise tomorrow! You’re welcome to come!”

Alucard: “I could use some exercise…”

Sephiroth: “Just don’t bring that whore you call a boyfriend. He gets sweaty enough at his job.”

Lark: “Don’t listen to him. Dante’s welcome too.”

Alucard: “Thanks. I’ll mention it to him.”

Sephiroth: “Lark! What is wrong with you? You just let anybody in here!”

Lark: “I don’t let your dad in.”

Sephiroth: *eyes narrow* “…You win this round…”

(zell and franswa come over. franswa is holding little baby duke)

Zell: “Hey, Lark! Hey, ‘Roth! Hey, Alucard!”

Lark: “Hi, Zell! Here!” *hands him flyer* “This is right up your alley!”

Zell: “Exercising! Awesome! We should totally check this out, Franswa!”

Franswa: “Uh…I’m not really good at anything like that.”

Zell: “So? You don’t have to be ‘good’ at exercising! It’s just to keep you fit!”

Franswa: *sigh* “I guess.”

Zell: “Awesome! We’ll totally be there then!”

Lark: “Great! So what are you guys doing with little Duke there?”

Franswa: “Babysitting. Everyone else is taking a nap. Except Hugh. And no one in my family trusts him to watch the baby.”

Duke: *staring at alucard*

Alucard: “He knows. Look – he’s glaring at me.”

Lark: “Alucard! Babies can’t glare!”

Sephiroth: “Wow. You’re right. He is.”

Lark: “What?!” *looks at the baby* “Wow. He totally is.”

Zell: “Geez! He looks like he wants to kill you!”

Alucard: “He does. The Belmont genes are strong ones.”

Franswa: “Maybe we better get going…”

Zell: “Yeah. But don’t worry! We’ll see you tomorrow for exercising!”

(they leave. alucard sighs sadly and looks downcast. sephiroth rolls his eyes, reaches into his pocket and takes out 10 bucks which he then slaps into alucards hand)

Sephiroth: “Here.”

Alucard: “You had this on you the whole time?”

Sephiroth: “Yeah.”

Alucard: “Why didn’t you just give it to me before?”

Sephiroth: “Because! You shouldn’t just come by to pick up money and leave! That’s rude!”

Alucard: “It’s rude to borrow money and not pay it back!”

Sephiroth: “It’s rude to ask for a measly ten dollars back!”

Alucard: “It’s rude to ask to borrow ten dollars in the first place when you’re rich!”

(then rude walks in the room. everyone stares at him.)

Rude: “I heard my name a bunch of times.”

Lark: “Don’t worry, Rude. They weren’t talking about you.”

Alucard: “I don’t even want this money now.” *hands it to rude* “I’m leaving.” *leaves*

Sephiroth: *following* “What?! If you don’t want the money, give it back to me! Don’t hand it to someone else! *That’s* rude!” *leaves*

Lark and Rude: “……………..”

Rude: “I don’t wanna know. I’m just glad I got ten bucks out of it.”

Lark: “Smart man.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(the next day, rufus is waiting not too patiently outside of loser land when scarlet and nida finally come out)

Rufus: “Why can no one get the door?!”

Scarlet: “What?”

Rufus: “Never mind. What’s he doing here?”

Nida: “Sunshine said I could come! I’m her kinda boyfriend!”

Scarlet: “You forgot ‘wannabe’.”

Nida: “Shut up, whore.”

Rufus: “Can we get going please? I don’t wanna be late.”

Scarlet: “Did Sunshine tell you anything about her adoptive parents, Rufus?”

Rufus: “No. You?”

Scarlet: “No. I should have asked. Now I have no idea what I’m getting myself into.”

Nida: “You sell yourself on the street corner! You should be used to unexpected situations!”

Scarlet: “I do not!”

Nida: “Yes you do! I saw you last night!”

Scarlet: “Nida…could we please *not* mention that in front of my daughter’s parents?”

Nida: “You’re lucky you went shopping with Kuja. ‘Cause otherwise they would totally know as soon as they saw you.”

Scarlet: “Too bad you didn’t do the same thing. Now they’ll be able to tell you’re a stupid, bratty loser.”

Nida: “I am none of those things! You take that back! I drive the Garden! Other kids would kill for that job!”

Scarlet: “They’d kill themselves to avoid it.”

Rufus: “Would both of you stop it!? I can’t make it through the day with you two bickering like this!”

Scarlet and Nida: *blink blink*

Rufus: “Let’s just go!” *gets in the car*

Nida: *mumbles* “What’s his problem?”

Scarlet: “I don’t know, but my problem is you.”

Nida: “Shut up! You’re my problem!”

Rufus: *rolls down the window* “I said get in the car!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, in the ramble room, quite a group has gathered: lark, tseng, reeve, sephiroth, vincent, alucard, dante, franswa, zell, hugh, Brady, twilight, opal, reno, irvine, Ashley, seifer, algus, zidane, and bryatt are all there. lark is surveying the crowd with tseng. sephiroth is talking to zidane)

Lark: “I didn’t think this many people would show up.”

Tseng: “You sure the flyers mentioned exercising?”

Lark: “Maybe everybody just really wants to get in shape!”

Sephiroth: “And that is why you are at the very bottom of the bottom of the sexual food chain.”

Zidane: “That’s not fair! I’m working my way up! I had sex with you!”

Sephiroth: “That was a dream.”

Zidane: “No it wasn’t!”

Lark: “Sephiroth, you know that wasn’t a dream.”

Sephiroth: “It was certainly a nightmare.”

Lark: “Whatever.” *back to tseng* “I guess we should get a count of everyone.”

Tseng: “Good idea.”

Lark: *starts to count but then stops* “What is Hugh doing here?”

Franswa: *big sigh* “He insisted on coming.”

Hugh: “Exercise and physical activity are important to be a good vampire hunter. By the way, did anyone notice that there’s a VAMPIRE and a HALF DEMON here?!”

Zell: “Duh. That’s Alucard and Dante. I told you before you came here.”

Lark: *shrugs and keeps counting but then stops again* “Twilight? What are you doing here?”

Twilight: “Opal dragged me.”

Opal: “Exercise is good for you, Twilight!”

Twilight: “That doesn’t mean I have to like it!”

Lark: *shrugs and keeps counting but then stops again* “Algus? *You* wanna exercise?”

Algus: “Of course! Exercise stimulates the mind! That’s why I’m having my slave do the movements for me!”

Zidane: “You get no benefit out of *me* doing it for you, Algus. You actually have to move your pompous ass!”

Lark: “Uh, he’s right, Algus. You watching isn’t going to benefit you.”

Algus: “I’m mostly in it for the entertainment value.”

Zidane: “I hate you.”

Lark: *finishes counting* “Well, counting us there are twenty.”

Tseng: “I can’t believe the turnout.”

Reeve: “If you have too many people, I’ll go. I have some reports to finish anyway…”

Tseng: “Don’t you dare! You need this more than anybody!”

Lark: “It’s fine! I think we can handle it. All right, everybody! Let’s get started!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, rufus, scarlet and nida are all sitting in the back of rufus limo on the way to sunshines house. bernard is driving)

Nida: “…Your driver is a monkey.”

Rufus: “His papers are in order! You’ve got no reason to say anything!”

Nida: “I just think it’s weird! How does he know how to drive?”

Rufus: “Money can buy anything, kid. Just remember that.”

Nida: “Don’t call me kid! I’m not that much younger than you!”

Rufus: “But I’m way more successful.”

Nida: “How? I drive the Garden! You don’t even drive your own car!”

Rufus: “That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Not having to drive your own car is a symbol of wealth!”

Nida: “I think it’s a symbol of…stupid!”

Scarlet: “No, that’s you.”

Nida: “Stay outta this, whore!”

Scarlet: “Can I smoke in here?”

Rufus: “No! I don’t want my car smelling like an ashtray! You’re lucky I let you sit in here! I’ve seen your insurance forms!”

Scarlet: “I thought that was supposed to be confidential!”

Rufus: “Not from me! Plus your hair is falling out all over the place!”

Scarlet: “That’s Kuja’s fault. It stays in place just fine if you don’t brush it.”

Nida: “Gross!”

Rufus: “Yeah, that is gross.”

Scarlet: “Well you try buying hair dye every week! It’s expensive!”

Rufus: “Where does all the salary I pay you go?”

Scarlet: *big sigh* “I thought I went over this already.”

Nida: “I’m sick of talking about you, whore! I can’t wait to see Sunshine again and meet her family! I wonder what her siblings are like!”

Rufus: *blink blink* “What?”

Scarlet: “Oh crap. I forgot about them.”

Rufus: “She has other siblings? She never mentioned them to me!”

Scarlet: “Yeah, she has…uh…two older brothers I think.”

Nida: “Yeah! Craig and Jordan!”

Rufus: “What, did you memorize her life?”

Nida: “I pay attention!”

Scarlet: “I pay attention! …But memory loss is a side effect.”

Rufus: “Of what? Your pills or your diseases?”

Scarlet: “It doesn’t really matter at this point.”

Rufus: “Bernard? Are we almost there?”

Bernard: *replies with monkey talk*

Nida: “Did you even understand that?”

Rufus: “Don’t make fun of my driver!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back to the ramble room, everyone is assembled and ready to exercise. lark and tseng are at the front of the room. sephiroth is now talking to reno)

Lark: “Okay, we’re gonna start out really easy by just walking in place.”

Reeve: *groan*

Tseng: “I heard that, Reeve!”

Sephiroth: “…So, you’d probably be further up if you didn’t sleep with pretty much anyone.”

Reno: “Yeah, but I’m so hot I *can* just sleep with anyone. So why not do it, if you can?”

Sephiroth: *annoyed sigh* “Because! Spreading yourself around that much brings your desirability *down*. If it’s so easy to sleep with you, why would I want to?”

Reno: “Because I’m just so damn amazing.”

Irvine: “I think the *amount* of people you’ve slept with should count! Because if you haven’t slept with that many people who knows if you’re any good!”

Sephiroth: “That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard! It doesn’t matter *how* many people you’ve slept with! It just matters how many times *total* you’ve had sex!”

Lark: “Are you still having that conversation?”

Ashley: “Am I going to have to listen to this the whole time?”

Lark: “I’ve been listening to it for two days!”

Reeve: *panting* “Can we take a break?”

Bryatt: “We just started.”

Reeve: *panting* “I feel like I ran a mile already.”

Algus: *sitting on the couch with a drink* “Keep it up, slave!”

Zidane: “Screw you, Algus!”

Lark: “Okay! Eight more counts and we’re gonna start side steps!”

Reeve: *groan*

Tseng: “Reeve! Stop complaining!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, rufus, scarlet and nida arrive at sunshines parents house. its a very large house, but nothing that impresses rufus. nida, however is impressed.)

Nida: “Wow! This house is gigantic!”

Rufus: *shrugs* “It’s nice.”

Nida: “They have a three car garage! And a pool!”

Scarlet: “Whatever her parents do, they sure as hell ain’t poor.”

Nida: “Ain’t ain’t a word ‘cause it ain’t in the dictionary!”

Scarlet: “Don’t start with me, Nida.”

(they all get to the door and stand there)

Rufus: “Well…someone ring the doorbell.”

Scarlet: “You do it.”

Rufus: “You do it.”

Scarlet: “You do it.”

Nida: “I’ll do it!”

(and he does. seconds later the door opens and sunshine appears looking happy)

Sunshine: “Hi, everyone! I’m so glad you came! Please, come in!”

(they do. the house is just as lovely on the inside as it is on the outside. sunshine gives each of them a hug.)

Sunshine: “I’m so excited for you to meet my family! Did you find the place all right?”

Nida: “Yeah, the monkey didn’t get lost.”

Sunshine: “What?”

Rufus: “It was fine. Nice house.”

Nida: “It’s *huge*!”

Sunshine: “Thanks. Come inside and meet my family!”

(they follow her into the kitchen where four people are waiting. they all have dark hair and dark eyes and look nothing like sunshine. two of them are obviously her parents and the other two are obviously her brothers)

Scarlet: *mutters* “Must have been obvious to her she was adopted.”

Sunshine: “Everyone, this is my biological mother Scarlet, my half-brother Rufus, and my friend Nida.”

Nida: “I drive the Garden! Great to meet you!”

Sunshine’s family: “Hello!”

Scarlet and Rufus: “…Hi.”

Sunshine: “Let me introduce you! This is my father, Alan. He’s a doctor.”

Alan: “It’s nice to finally meet you all.”

Sunshine: “This is my mother, Wanda. She’s a lawyer like me.”

Wanda: “Welcome to our home.”

Sunshine: “This is my oldest brother Craig. He’s a rocket scientist.”

Nida: *mutters to himself* “…People actually do that job?”

Craig: “Nice to meet you.”

Sunshine: “And this is my brother Jordan. He runs a non-profit organization.”

Jordan: “Hi!”

Rufus: *blink blink* “He runs a *what*?”

Jordan: “I run a not for profit organization.”

Rufus: “A business that’s not for profit?! What kind of business is that?”

Jordan: “…A charity. We build homes and give money to the less fortunate.”

Rufus: *blink blink* “So…you get money…and then you give it away.”

Jordan: “Right.”

Rufus: “To poor people.”

Jordan: “Yes.”

Rufus: “And they have no money of their own?”

Jordan: “Well, some people just aren’t as fortunate as people like us.”

Rufus: “Well there’s jobs for people like them! Someone has to pick up all the garbage on the street!”

Sunshine: *nervous laughter* “Haha, Rufus! Why don’t we all go sit down?”

(and they do, but rufus and jordan keep talking)

Jordan: “We give these people a second chance at life.”

Rufus: “What happened to their first chance? Drugs? It was drugs, wasn’t it.”

Jordan: “That really doesn’t matter to us.”

Rufus: “So you take money into this charity, and then instead of giving it to yourself, you give it to these tweaked out homeless people.”

Jordan: “I wouldn’t put it in those words.”

Rufus: “Of course you wouldn’t – it’s a PR nightmare! But that’s pretty much what you’re telling me.”

Jordan: “The organization is very successful. We built homes for over 200 families last year and they’re doing strong. I just have to talk to the electric company. They keep on raising the prices and it’s just not working for us and our limited budget.”

Rufus: *shifty eyes* “…Damn them…yeah.”

Jordan: “Isn’t your last name Shinra?”

Rufus: “Yeah! It is! Weird coincidence, huh? It’s a really popular name.”

Jordan: “Sunshine tells me you run a business as well, Mr. Shinra. What is it that your company does exactly?”

Rufus: “We…uh…make…uh…puppies!”

Jordan: “Puppies?”

Rufus: “Yeah! Puppies!”

Craig: “You mean like robot toy puppies or real dogs?”

Rufus: “Both!”

Everyone: *blink blink*

Alan: “That is…a rather…interesting business.”

Rufus: “Tell me something I don’t know.”

Wanda: “And don’t you work for the company as well, Scarlet?”

Scarlet: “Yes. I’m an executive. I’m in charge of the…uh…robot puppies.”

Nida: *snort*

Scarlet: *kicks him under the table*

Rufus: “But enough about my puppy making business. Look at the great weather we’ve been having!”

Wanda: “Oh, I’ve been rude! Does anyone want a drink? I have water, soda, wine—“

Scarlet: “Wine.”

Rufus: “Me too.”

Nida: “I’d like some soda please, Mrs. Johansen.”

Wanda: “What a polite young man you are! I’ll be right back!”

(she leaves as scarlet rolls her eyes)

Alan: “So, Nida! Sunshine tells me you’re in some kind of military?”

Nida: “Yup! I’m a rocket launcher expert! Plus I drive the whole school!”

Alan: “You drive the school?”

Nida: “It floats. Long story.”

Craig: “That’s fascinating…a school that floats.”

Nida: “And I’m the only one who knows how to drive it!”

Sunshine: “Nida is a SeeD.”

Nida: “That means I passed a whole bunch of really hard tests and totally rock.”

Scarlet: *gags*

Sunshine: “Are you all right, mom?”

Scarlet: “I’m fine.”

Wanda: *returns with drinks* “Here we are!”

Nida: “Thank you, Mrs. Johansen!”

Wanda: “You’re welcome, Nida!”

Jordan: “So, Rufus, tell me more about your puppy company.”

Rufus: *downing his glass of wine*

Craig: “I’m interested in hearing how those robot puppies are made, Scarlet.”

Scarlet: “…I have to use the bathroom.”

Wanda: “It’s down the hall to your right.”

(scarlet leaves. rufus glares after her and sunshine looks a bit embarrassed)

Jordan: “So about the company…”

Rufus: “You know, it’s really pretty boring. Making puppies is just not as exciting as it sounds. I’d rather hear more about how Nida drives the Garden!”

Nida: “I’ve been waiting for someone who actually wanted to hear that for years!”

Craig: “Well let’s hear it! It did peak my interest!”

Nida: “Well, I have these really long poles, and…”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back at the ramble room everyones moving a lot faster now marching in place and doing kicks and stuff. some people are definitely looking tired. sephiroth is now talking to seifer.)

Lark: “Keep it up! Everyone’s doing great!”

Reno: *wheezing* “Can we have a smoke break?”

Tseng: “You can’t have a smoke break while you’re exercising! And besides, if you didn’t smoke you’d be able to breathe better!”

Reno: “Breathing is over-rated!”

Twilight: “Opal! My arms hurt! Can I use the Force?”

Opal: “No, Twilight! That’s cheating!”

Twilight: “But I like cheating!”

Hugh: “Come on, Franswa! You’re dragging behind!”

Zell: “Yeah, Franswa! You can do it!”

Franswa: *looks very tired* “…I’m gonna pass out…”

Sephiroth: “…And because you can’t even satisfy your own girlfriend, you’re near the bottom of the sexual food chain.”

Ashley: “Amen to that.”

Seifer: “That’s not fair! I’ve been doing better!” *pant*

Ashley: “No you haven’t. And why are you so tired? You said you’ve been jazzercising every day!”

Seifer: “Um, I actually traded in that DVD months ago. I got fifty cents for it!”

Ashley: “Sephiroth, I think you have him listed too high on your list.”

Reeve: *looks like he’s about to collapse* “…Tseng! …Can…we…rest?”

Tseng: “No, Reeve! You’re dragging your feet!”

Reeve: *gasps and wheezes*

Sephiroth: “Come on, Reeve! This is why you’re so low on the sexual food chain!”

Tseng: “That’s not a good reason!”

Sephiroth: “Yes it is! Look at him! He probably has no stamina!”

Tseng: “He’s got great stamina!”

Sephiroth: “How is that possible? He walks for 10 minutes and looks like he’s gonna die!”

Tseng: “Trust me, he’s totally different in bed.”

Bryatt: “Now this is not the type of conversation you plan to have while exercising!”

Dante: “What is a sexual food chain anyway?”

Sephiroth: *annoyed sigh* “Do I have to explain it to everyone? It’s like the food chain but for sex! People who are good are at the top and people who suck are Zidane.”

Zidane: “Hey!”

Dante: “I’m at the top.”

Sephiroth: *snort*

Dante: “You dare to put me elsewhere? Come on now! Even you know I don’t belong there!”

Sephiroth: *mutters unhappily to himself*

Dante: “Look at him! He knows I’m the sh*t!”

Sephiroth: “I know you’re a piece of sh*t.”

Dante: “A piece of hot sh*t.”

Sephiroth: “You mean dumb sh*t.”

Lark: “Stop saying sh*t!”

Reno: “Exercising is sh*tty!”

Lark: “Reno!”

Irvine: “Even I’m a little tired!”

Twilight: “I’m doing awesome!”

Opal: “Twilight, you’re using the Force!”

Twilight: “Thanks a lot, Opal!”

Algus: *chuckles* “This is better than what’s on the television.”

Zidane: “Go ahead, laugh it up! I’m getting hotter with every step!”

Algus: “Not with that tail you’re not!”

Reeve: *wheezes* “Can we take a break?”

Tseng: “No! You need to be able to climb a flight of stairs without getting winded, Reeve!”

Sephiroth: “…Bottom of the food chain…”

Tseng: “Knock it off, Sephiroth!”

 

(meanwhile, back at the house, scarlet and rufus have downed quite a bit of wine. nida is still talking and everyone else appears to be fascinated)

Nida: “…And that’s the basics of how I drive the Garden!”

Craig: “That is a very interesting system!”

Alan: “Good luck to you in your future Garden driving!”

Scarlet *yawns loudly*

Sunshine: “So! Rufus! How’s your store coming?”

Rufus: “What store? You mean the Disco…er…Puppy Center?”

Sunshine: *hits herself in the forehead*

Wanda: “Disco Puppy Center?”

Jordan: “What is that? A store for discount puppies? Are they deformed or disfigured in some way?”

Rufus: “Yes! I mean, no! No of course they’re not! They’re destroy—er…destined for loving homes! I just give those kinds away! So you see, I’m charitable too!”

Alan: “That really sounds like a very complex business.”

Jordan: “I’d love to see the website.”

Rufus: *sweat drops* “…Website?”

Jordan: “Surely you must have a website.”

Rufus: “Of course! Of course we have a website! And it’s a great one too! Unfortunately they’re working on it right now, so I can’t show it to you.”

Nida: “Aw, come on! You could make a call and get that right back up!”

Rufus: *shoots nida a death glare*

Jordan: “Could you?”

Rufus: *huge sweat drops* “Of course! I’ll…be right back.”

(with that he flees the room. once hes alone he paces around a minute pretending like hes strangling something probably nida. then he digs his cell phone out of his pocket and makes a phone call. reeve answers, sounding totally out of breath)

Reeve: *pants* “…H-hello?”

Rufus: “What are you, dying?”

Reeve: “I’m…ex…er…cis…ing.”

Rufus: “Well stop doing that! I need you to do me a favor!”

Reeve: “Gladly!”

Rufus: “I need you to make me a website about puppies. And I need it in…” *checks watch* “Five minutes.”

Reeve: “Five minutes? Rufus – that’s impossible!”

Rufus: “Do it! Rufus Puppy Co dot com! And make it about regular puppies and robot puppies!”

Reeve: “What did you get yourself into now?”

Rufus: “Nothing! Oh, and don’t use that ad I had that time with the puppies smoking.”

Reeve: “Wait—Rufus!”

Rufus: “Thanks!” *hangs up*

(and he walks back in the other room)

Wanda: “Did you sort everything out?”

Rufus: “Yup! No problem! Why don’t you all gather yourselves around the computer and we can view the website for my fine company in five minutes!”

(sunshines family all get up and leave the room.)

Sunshine: “Rufus! Are you crazy?! Just tell them the truth! They’re going to find out sooner or later!”

Rufus: “I don’t want your brother to think poorly of me just because I like money! Everybody likes money! It’s unnatural not to!”

Sunshine: “He won’t think poorly of you!”

Rufus: *to nida* “And *you*! I could strangle you!”

Nida: “Liars never win!”

Scarlet: “You lie all the time. You just told a huge lie before about how you beat Squall at everything.”

Nida: “But that’s a white lie. It doesn’t hurt anybody but Squall.”

Sunshine: “Is there really a website?”

Rufus: “If he knows what’s good for him there will be.”

Scarlet: “Who’d you get to make it?”

Rufus: “Reeve. Who else?”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(flash to the ramble room. reeve is heading out the door)

Tseng: “Where are you going? We’re not done yet!”

Reeve: “I have to do something for Rufus!”

Tseng: “You better be right back!”

Reeve: “I will!” *runs out*

Bryatt: “For someone on the verge of collapse, he ran outta here fast enough.”

 

(back at sunshines house, everyone is crowded around the computer.)

Jordan: “What’s the address?”

Rufus: “It’s Rufus Puppy Co dot com!”

(jordan types in the web address and rufus winces as they wait for the site to load. it does, but it sure looks like it was made in 5 minutes. the site is covered in pictures of puppies, and its obvious that reeve was trying to distract people with the puppy pictures)

Wanda: “Aw! Look at all those adorable puppies!”

Rufus: “As you can see it still needs a bit of work, but it’s coming along nicely.”

Jordan: “Uh huh.”

Scarlet: “Could we get a tour of the house?”

Alan: “Sure! Just follow me! I’ll be glad to show you around.”

Rufus: *wipes his forehead* “Phew.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back at the ramble room, theyre still exercising. reeve returns. sephiroth is now talking to zell)

Reeve: “See! I came back!”

Franswa: “What, are you crazy?!” *wheeze* “Run for your life!”

Hugh: “Come on, cousin! Be all that you were born to be!”

Franswa: “I wasn’t born to do this! I was born to bake!”

Sephiroth: “…So that’s why you’re at the bottom of the sexual food chain.”

Zell: “But why? I’m cool! I slept with Lark!”

Sephiroth: “…A turtle and a hippo.”

Zell: “What? Are you calling me a hippo??”

Sephiroth: *rolls eyes* “Yes, Zell. I’m calling you a hippo.”

Zell: *flips out* “What?!”

Lark: “Relax, Zell. He’s just using a stupid metaphor. Just ignore him.”

Zell: “But he said—“

Lark: “Just ignore him.”

Reno: “Lark, how come you slept with Zell but you never slept with me?”

Lark: “Reno…I’m not gonna answer that.”

Reno: “Why? I wanna know!”

Irvine: “Dude, she even slept with Vincent and not you.”

Sephiroth: “What’s wrong with Vincent?! He’s at the top of the sexual food chain!”

Reno: “Because you slept with him!”

Sephiroth: “So?”

Reno: “So! He has that claw!”

Bryatt: “He’s also right behind you.”

Reno: “Yeah, but, it’s not like he doesn’t know he has a claw.”

Vincent: *sad sigh*

Lark: “Will you guys stop talking about that, please? We’re trying to exercise here!”

Ashley: “Besides, it’s not good to question who’s slept with whom. Otherwise you’d spend months just on me and Seifer alone.”

Seifer: “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Ashley: “It means I’m way better than you.”

Tseng: “Well, at least everyone’s tongues are getting a good work out.”

Bryatt: “That sounded so wrong.”

Tseng: “…You’ve got a dirty mind.”

Bryatt: “You knew that when you befriended me.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, scarlet, rufus, and nida are following around sunshine and her dad as she shows them around the house. they enter a large room that is decorated with tons of pictures.)

Alan: “This is the den.”

Nida: “It’s just as great as all the other rooms, Mr. Johansen!”

Alan: “Why thank you, Nida!”

Wanda: *sticks her head in* “Honey, you have a phone call.”

Alan: “Oh, I’m sorry. Stay right here. I’ll be right back.”

(the parents leave. nida starts patting his sides)

Nida: “Crap. I dropped my wallet! I better go back and look for it.”

Sunshine: “I guess I’ll go with you. Will you two be okay alone for a few minutes?”

Scarlet and Rufus: “Yeah.”

Sunshine: “I’ll be right back.”

(sunshine and nida leave. rufus starts to look at all the pictures around the room. scarlet lights up a cigarette)

Scarlet: “If he does any more sucking up I’m going to slug him right in his stupid, ugly face.”

Rufus: “I know.”

Scarlet: “Look at all this! It just makes me realize what an unfit mother I would have been.”

Rufus: *looking at the pictures frowning* “Look at all these family pictures. Everyone looks so happy. They went on all kinds of trips, spent lots of time together. …At least one of us got to have a happy childhood.”

Scarlet: “I don’t know why she even brought us here! It’s just making me feel even worse about myself.”

Rufus: “Me too! I had an awful childhood! I almost never left school! I used to spend Christmas with the principal! I almost wish they had put *me* up for adoption.”

Scarlet: “…………”

Rufus: “………………”

Sunshine: *comes back in* “Sorry about that. Nida didn’t lose his wallet. He just wanted to try and make out with me. But I’m just not interested in him. I sent him to hang out with my brothers. My mom was going to order some pizza. What kind do you want?”

Scarlet: “……………”

Rufus: “……………”

Sunshine: *frowns* “Is something wrong?”

Scarlet: “I…think it’s probably better if we just go.”

Sunshine: “Go? Why?”

Rufus: *looks sad*

Scarlet: “We…just don’t seem to fit in with the rest of your family.”

Sunshine: “What are you talking about?”

Scarlet: “Honey, your parents are people who worked hard to get where they are. I slept and blackmailed my way to the top.”

Sunshine: “Blackmailed?!”

Scarlet: “Well even I didn’t wanna sleep with Palmer.”

Rufus: “And you obviously have a very happy and close knit family! Look at these pictures! You had a happy childhood! I can’t relate to that! I spent mine totally isolated!”

Sunshine: “I’m sorry, Rufus. That’s awful.”

Rufus: *mutters* “I lied when I said money could buy anything…”

Scarlet: “It was nice of you to invite us. But really we should go.”

Sunshine: “No! Stop thinking that way about yourselves! You’re my family too! Mom, my family doesn’t think badly of you! If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t even be here. And they wouldn’t even have a daughter. And Rufus, I’m really sorry that our father treated you so horribly when you were a kid. But he’s gone – and your life is good now, right? You have me! I’m your family! And we can make up for all that lost time! I didn’t bring you here to make you feel bad about what happened in the past. I brought you here so you can see what you have *now*!”

Scarlet and Rufus: “……………”

Scarlet: “I’m sorry, honey. I didn’t mean to ruin things for you.”

Sunshine: “You didn’t ruin anything.”

Rufus: “And I didn’t meant to get…jealous.”

Sunshine: “Rufus, it’s all right. No one has a perfect life.”

(then nida runs in)

Nida: “You guys comin’ or what? I’m hungry!”

Scarlet: “Yeah, yeah. We’re coming.” *smiles at sunshine* “We wouldn’t miss it.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, the work out is coming to an end. sephiroth is talking to Brady.)

Twilight: “Are we almost done? I need water!”

Reno: *pants* “I need a cigarette.”

Irvine: “Yeah. That’ll make your lungs better.”

Reeve: *wheezes* “I need…a ventilator.”

Sephiroth: “…And that’s why you’re down so low on the sexual food chain.”

Brady: “You’re such an ass.”

Sephiroth: “Someone has to tell the truth!”

Brady: “That’s not truth! That’s just your opinion! I bet almost none of the people you slept with think you’re the best they’ve ever had.”

Sephiroth: “What?! I beg to differ!”

Brady: “Prove it then! Ask!” *looks around* “Go ahead! They’re all here!”

Sephiroth: “Fine! Tseng! Wasn’t I the best?”

Tseng: “No.”

Sephiroth: “Well you slept with like a million people! I must at least be in the top three.”

Tseng: “Still no.”

Sephiroth: “Lark! You’ll be honest!”

Lark: “Sorry, but no.”

Sephiroth: “What?! You’re being spiteful! You’re spiting me!”

Lark: “You asked for the truth!”

Zidane: “Ask me! Ask me!”

Sephiroth: “Alucard! I was the best, right?”

Alucard: “No.”

Sephiroth: “What?! But look what you’re sleeping with now!”

Dante: *grins* “Exactly.”

Sephiroth: “Grrr…”

Zidane: “Me! What about me?”

Sephiroth: *big sigh* “All right, fine! Vincent – wasn’t I the best?”

Vincent: “Of course, angel.”

Sephiroth: “See! Vincent said yes! In your face!”

Brady: “Big deal. Everyone knew *Vincent* would say yes. He’s totally in love with you.”

Zidane: “You didn’t ask me!”

Sephiroth: “Shut up, Zidane! You don’t count!”

Zidane: “Fine! I was gonna say something good, but now I won’t!”

Sephiroth: “Big deal! Of course I’m better than Lloyd!”

Zidane: “I’ve also slept with Lark!”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, but you can’t compare sleeping with another guy with sleeping with a woman. It’s totally different.”

Lark: “That it is.”

Sephiroth: “Was that a shot? Was that a shot at me? Because I think I did pretty good for myself considering I had no other experience!”

Ashley: “Seifer has tons of experience but still sucks.”

Seifer: *huff puff* “You’re so mean to me!!”

Tseng: “All right! And with that, we’re done!”

(everyone stops moving. reeve, franswa, seifer, reno, and bryatt collapse)

Algus: *chuckles* “Now that was worth waiting for!”

Zidane: “You are one sick son of a bitch, you know that?”

Lark: “That was fun! We should do that again soon!”

Tseng: “Reeve?!” *runs over to him*

Bryatt: *from the floor* “…Don’t count on it.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, the next day at shinra, rufus runs into reeves office with his phone looking frantic.)

Rufus: “Reeve! You gotta do me a favor! It’s Sunshine’s brother on the phone! He wants his electricity rates lowered and I told him I ran a company that makes puppies!”

Reeve: “That explains a lot.”

Rufus: “I can’t let him know the truth! You have to pretend you’re me! And be mean!”

Reeve: “Why should I help you, Rufus?”

Rufus: “’Cause I’m your boss!” *shoves the phone at him*

Reeve: *sighs and speaks into the phone* “Rufus Shinra speaking. ………………Uh-huh………..Uh-huh………I see. Orphans, huh? That’s horrible. I would be happy to help you. In fact, how does free electricity sound?” *smiles at rufus*

Rufus: “What?!?! No! Reeve!! That’s not like me at all!”

Reeve: “How about for five years? ……Oh, you’re more than welcome.”

Rufus: “Reeve!!!!”

THE END

 

 

 

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