#177 – This Is Shinra Inc.

Rufus: “I don’t want to relate to them! They probably have diseases!”

Originally Published: 6/9/06 . 41 pages

Synopsis
A typical day at Shinra: Reno’s slacking off, Reeve’s solving the mystery of the missing office supplies and Rufus is trying to improve his public image. But there’s something strange going on in the bathroom…

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

I love Shinra. Obviously. So it was only a matter of time before I wrote a ramble revolving around a day at the company. I think the storylines in this one come together pretty well – the only one that doesn’t is Scarlet’s, but her phone conversation with Kuja (“Don’t breathe it in.”) is kind of classic anyway. But I must say, as much as I love Reno’s quest for free time off and Rufus’ quest for a commercial that doesn’t portray him as the selfish, greedy jerk he is, Heidegger steals the show in this one. Just thinking about that bathroom makes me shudder.

9 A.M.

(so we start our day at shinra inc, the wonderful company that powers everything with mako and kills people who get in their way! Er…scratch that last part. Anyway, reno, rude and elena are in tseng’s office when he enters and goes over to his desk. They all stand up at attention when he comes in. he gets to his desk and sighs)

Tseng: “We don’t have an assignment, so have a seat.”

Turks: *sigh*

Elena: “We *never* have an assignment.”

Rude: “The last thing Rufus assigned to me was tying his shoes for him. And he was wearing loafers. So I think he was just being a jerk.”

Elena: “I should have taken that extended maternity leave. Now it’s too late.”

Reno: “You passed up extended leave?! Why?”

Elena: “Because I liked coming to work!”

Reno: “First of all, you’re crazy, and second of all, how come you got special leave?”

Elena: “It’s not ‘special leave’! I had a baby! So I got time off!”

Reno: “You got time off for having a baby?”

Elena: “Of course!”

Reno: “Dammit! That’s not fair! I can’t have a baby!”

Tseng: “You’re usually happy about that.”

Reno: “But that’s not fair! Men can’t have babies! So we should get another kind of leave!”

Rude: “We do. It’s called vacation. And Rufus took mine away.”

Reno: “Yeah, but women get that too so it doesn’t count. And besides, you can use up vacation! There must be some kind of leave men can get!”

Rude: “He said at the rate I’m going I can’t afford to go on vacation anyway.”

Tseng: “Reno, I think you’ve exploited the company’s resources enough.”

Rude: “So I wouldn’t need days to go on vacation.”

Reno: “There’s got to be something! And I will find it!”

Rude: “I hate him.”

Reno: “Rude, what are you talking about?”

Rude: *sigh* “Nothing.”

Reno: “Anyway, I’ve gotta go find that department that helps out the employees! The…uh…what’s it called…uh…uh…”

Elena: “Human resources?”

Reno: “Yeah! That’s it! Human resources! I’ll see you guys later.”

(he leaves. Tseng looks at elena)

Tseng: “You just had to tell him, didn’t you.”

Elena: *shrugs* “I’m too nice.”

Rude: “So what are we gonna do today?”

Everyone: “………”

Tseng: “Uh…well, I’m gonna check my e-mail. Maybe someone has something for us to do.”

Elena: “What, like that guy in accounting that wants us to paint his office?”

Tseng: “You know I told him no! We’re Turks! Not maintenance men! We don’t do any kind of random physical labor just ’cause we’re bored!”

Rude: “…He didn’t offer us extra money, did he?”

Tseng: “No. That’s why I turned him down.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, in the executive meeting room, we have rufus, heidegger, scarlet, reeve, hojo, and palmer gathered around the table. Heidegger has a stack of doughnuts in front of him)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Free!”

Scarlet: “Where did you get those doughnuts from?”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Break room!”

Palmer: “Like five different ones! You have fifty doughnuts there!”

Heidegger: “I break for food! Gya haa haa!”

Rufus: “All right, shut up! We’re starting the meeting! Who has something to report?”

Reeve: “Well, I have found a revolutionary way to cut down our customer’s monthly electric bill!”

Rufus: “Uh, Reeve, I meant something *worthwhile* to report. Not something you discovered while doing math for fun.”

Reeve: “But–“

Rufus: “Did you find out a way for *me* to save money?”

Reeve: “No.”

Rufus: “Then I don’t care. Who else has something?”

Hojo: “I need more candy. I’ve run out.”

Rufus: “Candy? What!? What for?? That sounds more like a Heidegger request. Are you asking for Heidegger? Because at this point he can eat erasers for all I care!”

Heidegger: “I already have! Gya haa haa!”

Hojo: “No, it’s for me. It’s for a project, of course.”

Rufus: “What project?”

Hojo: “…It’s top secret.”

Rufus: “Top secret from the *President*?!”

Hojo: “…I withdraw my request.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! It’s all illegal!”

Rufus: “Who else has something *worthwhile* to share?”

Palmer: “I drew up some charts about why we should restart the space program!”

Rufus: “I said *worthwhile*.”

Palmer: *hangs head*

Rufus: “Anyone else?”

Everyone: “………………………”

Rufus: “I thought you were all supposed to be smart!”

Reeve: “Well if you just let me share what I discovered–“

Rufus: “I’m bored already, Reeve. No one else has anything?”

Scarlet: “Well, I was…uh…entertaining the other night and I happened to catch a Shinra Inc. mako commercial. And it was really bad.”

Heidegger: “Entertaining is another word for whoring! Gya haa haa!”

Scarlet: “Shut up, Heidegger!! Anyway, I think our commercials could use some work. They’re pretty boring and they don’t really inspire much love for the company.”

Reeve: “They’d probably have more love for the company if their electric bill wasn’t insanely high and ridden with meaningless charges…”

Rufus: “Shut up, Reeve! You had your chance!”

Reeve: “No I didn’t!”

Rufus: “Scarlet’s got the right idea. Looks like our advertising department is doing a crappy job. I’ll have to think of something myself. Until then, meeting adjourned!”

(they all get up. Reeve leaves mumbling and heidegger leaves with his tray of doughnuts. Palmer goes over to rufus)

Palmer: *holding out charts* “It would just take one moment…”

Rufus: “Know what else would take a moment? Firing your ass!”

Palmer: “Eek!” *runs out*

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

10 A.M.

(reno arrives in human resources out of breath)

Reno: “Man! They need to mark this building better!” *goes over to receptionist* “Hey there.”

Receptionist: *glares*

Reno: “Hey! Why the unfriendly face?”

Receptionist: “Have you already forgotten? We slept together! You promised you’d call, but did you? No!”

Reno: “I’ve been busy, baby!”

Receptionist: “Sure you have! I bet you don’t even remember my name!”

Reno: “Of course I do, uh, Candy!”

Receptionist: “It’s Tammy!”

Reno: “Of course! That’s what I meant! I could never forget such a beautiful face!”

Tammy: *glares and stalks away*

Reno: *frowns* “I’ve gotta stop hooking up with chicks from work.” *spots a guy* “Now there’s someone I know I haven’t given a ride on the Reno express.” *goes over* “Hey, buddy.”

Guy: *glares* “What do you want?”

Reno: “Hey! What’s your problem??”

Guy: “What’s my problem?! What’s my problem?! You slept with my girlfriend, you asshole! I see you forgot about that fast enough!” *stalks away*

Reno: *blink blink* “I didn’t realize I had so many enemies.” *sees an older and not very attractive woman* “Now I know I didn’t do her.” *goes over* “Hey there, beautiful.”

Woman: *glares*

Reno: *mutters* “Oh come the &*$% on.”

Woman: “You’ve slept with every single female in the office except me! What am I? Not good enough for you? You disgust me!” *stalks off*

Reno: *frowns* “Well excuse me for having some kind of standards!”

(he looks at the desk and notices a booklet called ‘shinra inc. employee handbook – everything you need to know about your benefits and more’. He takes it.)

Reno: “Maybe this’ll answer my questions.”

Tammy’s voice: “Look, Kyla! It’s that jerk who sleeps with girls but never calls them back!”

Reno: “I’m outta here!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, rufus is at the desk in his office, tapping a pen and humming to himself)

Rufus: *sings* “Shinra, Shinra, Shinra, you give me light all day, so when all of my bills come, it’s Shinra I will pay! Yay!” *writing* “That sounds pretty good…”

(the phone on the desk beeps. Rufus sighs and hits the speaker button)

Rufus: “What is it, Tseng?”

Tseng’s voice: “Don’t you have anything for us to do?”

Rufus: “If you don’t like getting paid to do nothing, you can sit there without getting paid.”

Rude’s voice: *faintly* “Tell him to #$%^ off.”

Rufus: “I heard that, Rude!”

Rude’s voice: *faintly* “Dammit.”

Elena’s voice: “Come on, Rufus! We’re Turks! We like to keep busy! There must be something you have for us to do!”

Rufus: *looking down at his jingle* “All right. I guess I have something for you to do. Get in here.”

Tseng’s voice: “We’ll be right there.” *faintly* “Since when do you not call him President Rufus?”

Elena’s voice: *faintly* “What? Just hang up the phone.”

(they hang up. Moments later they enter)

Tseng: “So what do you have for us to do?”

Rufus: “Well, it’s been brought to my attention that our commercials aren’t very good. So I’m trying to make some new ones. You guys can help me.”

Elena: “By being in them?”

Rufus: “Maybe. You’re all attractive enough. Well, most of you are. We can probably cover up Rude with some kind of CGI effect. They can do miracles with computers these days.”

Rude: “So much hate…”

Rufus: “Where’s Reno?”

Tseng: “He’s…uh…on a special assignment.”

Rufus: “Is that code for he didn’t show up today?”

Tseng: “No. He’s here. He’s just…on special assignment.”

Rufus: “Does that mean he’s drunk?”

Tseng: “It doesn’t this time.”

Rufus: “Whatever. He wouldn’t be much help to us anyway. Listen to this jingle I just wrote.” *sings* “Shinra, Shinra, Shinra, you give me light all day, so when all of my bills come, it’s Shinra I will pay! Yay!”

Turks: “………”

Rufus: “What? No good?”

Tseng: “That is awful.”

Elena: “It’s not very…friendly.”

Rude: “It sucks.”

Rufus: *frowns* “I don’t see you doing better!”

Elena: “Look, Rufus, maybe the best place to start is seeing the current commercials! That way you can see where they’re going wrong.”

Rufus: “Fantastic idea, Elena! At least one of you has beauty and brains!”

Tseng: “Was that a shot at me?”

Rufus: “I’ll just call down to the marketing department and get a copy of all our current commercials.” *runs to the phone*

Tseng: “He just insulted me!”

Rude: “At least he didn’t say he’d have to cover your face because you’re so hideous.”

Tseng: “At least he didn’t call you an airhead!”

Elena: “Tseng! Stop taking everything so personally. And Rude… Rude… Well, I’m sorry, Rude.”

Rude: *sigh* “Me too.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, heidegger is standing in front of a men’s restroom)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa!” *goes inside*

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

11 A.M.

(meanwhile, in scarlet’s office. She has a small closet which is open. There’s a tv in there. She’s watching the home shopping network)

TV: “So far 10,000 of our crystal clown paperweights have been sold!”

Scarlet: “Ew.” *shudder* “Clowns.”

(her phone rings)

Scarlet: *answers* “Scarlet Calhoun.”

????: “Hi! Is your refrigerator running? Then you better go catch it!” *laughs*

Scarlet: *sigh* “Nida, stop trying to prank call me.”

Nida’s voice: “Heeey! How do you always know it’s me?”

Scarlet: “I have caller ID, you idiot.”

Nida’s voice: “Oh. Well, I actually called for a reason this time!”

Scarlet: “I’m not going to the Garden square dance social with you.”

Nida’s voice: “No, screw you, whore! I already found a date for that! And she charges less than you! I called ’cause Kuja’s purging your make-up collection again.”

Scarlet: “What?! No! I paid good money for that!”

Kuja’s voice: *faintly* “Give me the phone.” *louder* “Scarlet, I’m doing you a favor. These products…ugh. I don’t know where you keep buying them, but wherever it is I’m sure a bargain bin is involved.”

Seymour’s voice: *in the background* “Omg, I think I found what she’s been dying her eyebrows with.”

Kuja’s voice: “Don’t breathe it in.”

Scarlet: “No! I need that!”

Nida’s voice: “Sorry, whore. Just thought I’d warn you. Cool! Body glitter!” *smacking noise* “Ow!”

Kuja’s voice: *in the background* “Don’t even touch that. You’ll probably get fungus.”

Scarlet: “I don’t have fungus!”

Nida’s voice: “Gotta go, skank! See you later!”

(he hangs up. Scarlet scowls and hangs up.)

Scarlet: “Great. Now I have to replace everything again.”

TV: “Coming up next – our make-up bargain bin markdown spectacular!”

Scarlet: *smiles* “Perfect.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, reno sits in one of the lounges at shinra, smoking a cigarette and reading the pamphlet)

Reno: “What the hell are they talking about?! Is this even in English?! Who wrote this?! Shakespeare?” *frowns* “They don’t want me to understand because they don’t want me to take advantage of them! But I’ll show them! I know smart people!”

(and so he gets up and takes the elevator to a different floor. He gets off and heads over until he finds a door that has reeve’s name on it. He knocks.)

Reeve’s voice: “Come in!”

Reno: *going in* “Hey, Reeve. What’s up?”

Reeve: “Oh, hey, Reno. I hope you’re not here to try and convince me to forge Rufus’ signature again.”

Reno: “Nah, I’ve mastered that myself by now.” *holds out book* “I need you to translate this for me.”

Reeve: *blink blink* “Why?”

Reno: “Because they keep using this fancy shamcy college language! They did that on purpose ’cause they don’t want normal guys like me figuring it out!”

Reeve: *sigh* “All right, Reno. What can I ‘translate’ for you?”

Reno: “I’m looking for something about special leave time.”

Reeve: “Special leave time? Why?”

Reno: “It’s probably better if you don’t know.”

Reeve: “You’re probably right.” *flips to the back* “Wow. Okay, well there’s a lot of stuff on the subject. You might wanna sit down. This will probably take awhile.”

Reno: *sigh* “Why does skipping work have to be so hard?”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, in the bathroom, there’s some random male employee washing his hands casually. Suddenly there is the loudest farting sound ever. Everything in the room rattles a little. The employee’s eyes widen. Then he suddenly turns green and flees the room looking like he’s about to throw up.)

Heidegger’s voice: “Gya haa haa! Gross!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(back to rufus’ office…)

Rufus: “Okay! I got the videos! Let’s watch!”

(so they all settle in front of the tv in rufus’ office. He pops in the tape which starts immediately.)

TV: “Shinra Inc. uses the planet to give you the light you need to do every day things. That’s a good thing. Shinra Inc. Kills the planet dead.”

Turks: *jaw drops*

Rufus: “Well, what do you think?”

Tseng: “Well, no one can claim it’s false advertising.”

Rude: *nods*

Rufus: “Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?”

Elena: “Rufus, did you approve this commercial?”

Rufus: “Of course!”

Elena: “You’re telling everyone you’re killing the planet!”

Rufus: “No I’m not! I’m telling them I rule the planet! Because kill is slang for rule!”

Tseng: “No it’s not!”

Rufus: “Yes it is!”

Tseng: “No it’s not! Where do you keep getting this information from?!”

Rufus: “That Bahamut guy uses it in his commercials!”

Tseng: “Bahamut kills stuff, Rufus.”

Rufus: “No! …Really?”

Tseng: “Yes!”

Rufus: *pales* “Oh geez.” *rushes to the phone* “Hello? Get me marketing on the phone right now! We have an emergency! For the love of god I need an ad pulled right now!”

Rude: *smiles* “Times like this make it all worth it.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

12 P.M.

(up near of the top of the building we have hojo in his lab. However he’s not doing anything scientific at the moment. Instead he seems to be downloading something onto his computer)

Hojo: “Sometimes I wonder why I spend so much time downloading and watching video footage. But when I find the good stuff it’s all worth it.” *checks watch* “Ah. Lunch time.”

(he goes over to a fridge and takes out some kelp. He then goes over to the microwave and starts to heat it up. The phone on the desk beeps. Sighing he picks it up)

Hojo: “Yes, President Rufus?”

Rufus’ voice: “Yeah, uh, we’re kind of having a debate over here. Is Shinra killing the planet?”

Hojo: “Yes.”

Rufus’ voice: “Yes?! How can you just say yes like that! Surely there are other factors–“

Hojo: “No. We’re killing it plain and simple. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m on my lunch break.”

Rufus’ voice: “You dirty bast–“

(but hojo hangs up and goes back over to the microwave to remove his lunch. His computer beeps.)

Hojo: “Finally.”

(he goes over and sits in front of the computer. He starts to eat his kelp and starts to go through the video files, which are clearly from the shinra building. He’s flipping through them and he’s sorting them into two categories. One for all the regular stuff and one for anything involving anything ‘romantic’, if you get my meaning. At one point he stops, squints and opens up one of the video screens so it’s larger. Heidegger sits behind his desk with a box clearly marked ‘erasers’. He’s popping them into his mouth like they’re candy)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Tastes like rubber!”

Hojo: “And yet I’m the freak.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back in rufus’ office.)

Rufus: *hangs up angrily* “He hung up on me! That freak!”

Rude: “It’s lunch time. Can we go to lunch?”

Rufus: “No! You probably don’t even have money to buy lunch with, Rude.”

Rude: *frowns* “That’s beside the point.”

Rufus: “I’ve had these devastating commercials on the air for weeks! I need to do major damage control! And you three aren’t helping!”

Elena: “I’m trying to help!”

Tseng: “I’m not.”

Rude: “I hate you.”

Rufus: *pacing* “We need to show how Shinra helps people! And saves the planet!”

Tseng: “Now that’s false advertising.”

Rufus: “I think I’m gonna have to get paid actors for this one.”

Rude: “And you better pay them a lot.”

Rufus: “Oh shut up, Rude! Elena, get some paper. We’re going to write a commercial script. And it’s gonna be the best damn commercial script ever!”

Rude: “Can we at least eat lunch while we think?”

Rufus: “Stop pretending you have food, Rude!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back in reeve’s office, reno is looking half asleep as reeve continues to read the brochure)

Reeve: “Look, there’s *another* spelling error. Who proofread this?”

Reno: *pretends like he’s going to bang his head on the desk*

Reeve: “This doesn’t show a lot of professionalism when there’s so many errors like this. You know–” *the phone on his desk beeps* “Hold on a second.” *picks up* “Reeve Leander. …Oh dear. Okay. …Okay. I’ll be right there.” *hangs up* “Sorry, Reno. I have to go. I have a team doing supply inventory and apparently there are hundreds of boxes of erasers missing.”

Reno: “But who’s gonna read this confusing booklet?”

Reeve: “You can handle it! I’ll see you later.”

(and so reeve rushes off. Reno stands outside his office and sighs)

Reno: “All right, stupid human resources booklet. You don’t like me, and I don’t like you. But I’m gonna get the information I need to skip work, even if I have to read a dictionary to do it!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, outside the men’s restroom, an employee is happily passing by)

Heidegger’s voice: *echoing* “Gya haa HAA!”

(suddenly a guy comes rushing out of the bathroom, a hand over his mouth)

2nd Employee: “For the love of–!!” *runs off*

Heidegger’s voice: *echoing* “GYA HAA HAA!”

1st Employee: *looks scared and hurries away*

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

1 P.M.

(and so reeve rushes down to this big room that’s stacked wall to wall with office supplies. There are three guys working in there with clipboards and scanner thingys.)

Reeve: *out of breath* “How…are…we…missing…500 boxes…of…erasers?”

Guy 1: “Did you run all the way down here?”

Reeve: “…Yeah.”

Guy 1: “Uh, you know we have an elevator, right?”

Reeve: *frowns and snatches the clipboard* “I built this building, Johnson.” *looks at the clipboard* “500 boxes of erasers?! And no one is even using pencils!”

Guy 2: “Nobody except you, sir.”

Reeve: “Well, I do a lot of design work. You need to use pencil so you can erase your mistakes. But I don’t make 500 boxes worth of mistakes! And even if I did I would have signed for taking the boxes!”

Guy 3: “I went over the pages of who took what and no one was really taking too much of anything. I mean, some of what people took was a little strange, like Reno taking only rubber bands and Scarlet taking boxes of glue, but nothing that accounts for 500 boxes of erasers.”

Reeve: “Good job on pulling those records, Simmons.”

Guy 2: “I helped!”

Reeve: “Good for you, Adams. Okay. So we have 500 boxes of erasers that just mysteriously got up and walked away apparently. How much do we estimate the loss is?”

Johnson: “24,000 gil.”

Reeve: “24,000 gil?!”

Simmons: “Yeah, there’s 100 erasers per pack. $48 per pack. 48 cents per eraser. 24,000 gil for 500 packages.”

Adams: “Shut up, you math nerd.”

Reeve: “Watch it, Adams. Good work, Simmons. That is way too much money to just let slide. We have to get to the bottom of this. Who could be using that many erasers in a few months time?! That’s ridiculous! We need to investigate.”

Adams: “Why don’t you make the Turks do it? I heard they were pretty bored.”

Reeve: “That may be true but they’re not really detectives. This is going to require more thought than anything else.” *paces* “Who in this building could be using so many erasers?”

Johnson: “Somebody…who makes a lot of mistakes?”

Adams: *gives him a look*

Johnson: “…What?”

Reeve: “This is going to take all my cunning.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, in scarlet’s office, she’s sitting there applying fake nails with company glue that she got out of a big box, obviously taken from the supply room.)

Scarlet: “This stuff works just as good.”

(there’s a knock on her door)

Voice: “Delivery!”

Scarlet: “Come in!”

(a delivery guy enters with a big box)

Guy: “Are you Scarlet Calhoun?”

Scarlet: *trying to be sexy* “Who wants to know?”

Guy: “I have a package for you.”

Scarlet: *still trying to be sexy* “I bet you do.”

Guy: “Just sign here and don’t sexually harass me anymore.”

Scarlet: *sigh* “Fine.” *she signs* “Thanks.”

(the guy sets down the package and leaves. Scarlet quickly opens the box and starts removing cheap looking make-up.)

Scarlet: “Throw out my make-up, will you? Well I can use same day delivery and my glue supply to pay you back!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(back at the bathroom it seems heidegger has left the bathroom…but not for long. We see him heading towards it. He’s holding a huge plate of food covered in thousand island dressing.)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Creamy!”

(and with that he goes in the bathroom with his food.)

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(back in rufus’ office, they’re all sitting around looking bored)

Rufus: “Okay, this is not turning out to be the best commercial script ever.”

Rude: “I’m hungry.”

Rufus: “I gave you food, Rude!”

Rude: “You gave me half a stick of gum.”

Rufus: “And you were lucky to get that!”

Tseng: “Can I get food?”

Rufus: “No! Let’s watch another commercial for inspiration!”

(he hits the remote on his desk and the tv starts to play again)

TV: “Shinra Inc…taking your money to give you light. So pay up.” *smiling rufus doing a thumbs up shown*

Elena: “Oh my goodness.”

Rufus: *stops the tape* “What? No good?”

Elena: “Not unless you’re trying to show everyone you’re an evil dictator!”

Rufus: “Uh…”

Elena: “Rufus!”

Rufus: “What? It seemed like a good idea at the time!”

Tseng: “I really don’t think there’s any way you can save your image, Rufus. You could probably surround yourself with the cutest, fuzziest animals on the planet and everyone would still hate you.”

Rufus: *writing* “Cutest…fuzziest…animals… Okay, good work, Tseng! Now we’re getting ideas!”

Tseng: “Uh, I said it *wouldn’t* help.”

Rufus: “Who else has an idea?”

Rude: “You’re such an ass.”

Rufus: “Why don’t you try and be an effective member of the team for once, Rude?”

Rude: “How about something more than a stick of gum, you ass!”

Rufus: “It was half a stick!”

Tseng: *gets up* “Rufus, I am going out and getting lunch for everybody. And I’m not taking no for an answer.”

Rufus: *frown* “Fine. But only because you gave an idea.”

Tseng: “Okay, so what do you guys want?”

Elena: “I’ll just have a salad and a bottle of water.”

Rude: “Ham sandwich with mustard and a soda.”

Rufus: “I want peanut butter and jelly on white bread with the crusts cut off, a carton of milk and a cookie cut in the shape of a smiley face.”

Tseng: *blink blink*

Rufus: “What? You said you were getting lunch for everybody.”

Tseng: *huge sigh* “Fine. I’ll be right back.” *he leaves*

Rufus: “Let’s watch another commercial while we’re waiting for him.” *turns tv back on*

TV: “You think you’re poor? Just think about all the crap Rufus Shinra has to do just to make sure your pathetic shacks can have electricity for the single light bulb you can afford.” *footage of rufus sitting on a beach and noisily sipping a tropical drink is shown* “Rufus Shinra. Working hard every day.”

Rufus: *turns off tv and puts a hand to his head* “Why do I approve these things?!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

2 P.M.

(two employees are walking by the bathroom. They stop and notice the ‘ caution – do not enter’ sign that has been placed in front of the door)

Heidegger’s voice: “GYA HAA HAA!”

Employees: *blink blink*

Employee 1: “Why do you think that sign is there?”

Employee 2: “I don’t know, but it sounds like there’s some kind of monster in there.”

Heidegger’s voice: “Gya haa haa!” *farting noises*

Employees: *look terrified*

Employee 1: “Dude, that’s gotta be a monster.”

Employee 2: “We better spread the word!”

(and so they run off.)

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, reno is back in the lounge, reading from the booklet…)

Reno: *sigh* “Blah blah blah, maternity, blah blah blah, rehab, blah blah–” *blink blink* “Hold up a sec – rehab?!” *reads aloud* “In the event an employee requires in-patient treatment at a rehabilitation center, the employee will be granted paid leave for the duration of the program.” *grin* “Rehab! I could totally be in rehab! Most people think I should go to rehab anyway! This is perfect!” *tucks booklet in his pocket* “Time to confront those bitches in human resources!” *he heads off*

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back to the office supply room, reeve is still pacing…)

Reeve: “Hmm… Well not just anyone has access to this room. You have to have a special keycard.”

Simmons: “Or at least someone else’s special keycard.”

Johnson: “Yeah, maybe somebody high up dropped theirs.”

Adams: “Yeah, ’cause the first thing I’d go for if I had an executive keycard are the erasers in the supply closet!”

Reeve: *snaps fingers* “Of course!”

Simmons: “What is it, sir?”

Reeve: “The cameras! There are security cameras all over the place!”

Johnson: *looking around* “Really?”

Adams: “I didn’t think there were any in here.”

Simmons: “We should go talk to security!”

Reeve: “Uh…well these are special cameras that we don’t really want people to know about. So security doesn’t have access to them.”

Simmons: “They don’t? Then who does? The President?”

Reeve: “Uh…actually Dr. Hojo is in charge of it.”

Others: *blink blink*

Adams: “Why him?”

Reeve: “That’s enough questions. Let’s all go and pay him a visit.”

Johnson: *still looking around* “They sure hide those cameras good.”

Reeve: “Let’s go.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back to rufus and the gang…they’re finishing up the last of their lunch.)

Rufus: “Okay, it’s after 2 o’clock already and all we have is fuzzy animals! What else? How about what I should wear in the commercial.”

Elena: “Well, I’d stay away from all the expensive accessories you wear.”

Rufus: “Why?”

Elena: “Because the common people can’t really relate to your one million dollar Rolex.”

Rufus: “I don’t want to relate to them! They probably have diseases!”

Elena: “Rufus…”

Rufus: “All right, all right.” *writing* “No…nice…accessories.” *pause* “And I guess that means I shouldn’t wear any of my nice suits.”

Tseng: “I’d say no.”

Rufus: “Well what do poor people wear?” *looks at rude*

Rude: “I’m not acknowledging you.”

Elena: “That’s not really important, Rufus. We should focus more on what you’re going to say.”

Rufus: “You’re right, Elena.” *pause* “So what do these idiots want to hear?”

Tseng: “Well, they don’t want to hear how rich you are.”

Elena: “Or how you’re killing the planet.”

Rude: “Or how much money they owe you. Trust me.”

Rufus: “Well obviously! I could see that! Do you think I’m an idiot?”

Tseng: “Well, you did approve those ads in the first place…”

Rufus: “Shut up, Tseng!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

3 P.M.

(back outside the bathroom, some employees are walking by)

Guy 1: “Yo, did you get that e-mail about the monster living in the bathroom? I heard it’s living in one of the stalls!”

Guy 2: “Yeah! I heard some kind of lab specimen got lost and is running loose in there! Apparently it’s got this crazy scary laugh!”

Heidegger’s voice: “Gya haa haa!”

Both: *look at each other* “AHHHHHH!!!” *run off*

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, in rufus’ office…rufus is looking at something on the computer)

Rufus: “I wish people would stop e-mailing me these stupid chain letters! Like the President has nothing better to do than scroll down and make a stupid wish! I’m rich! What do I have to wish for?”

Rude: “A better public image.”

Rufus: “Shut up, Rude! We’re working on that!” *back to the screen* “What the hell is this? There’s a monster living in the 54th floor men’s bathroom?! Who started this nonsense!? Is anyone doing work around here??”

Tseng: “No.”

Rufus: “Who forwarded this to me?! Palmer. Ugh. He’s already on my bad side.” *typing* “Leave me alone you fat bastard!” *clicks mouse* “There. That’ll show him!”

Elena: “Uh, Rufus? Can we get back on track?”

Rufus: “Oh. Right the commercial. Well, what do we have so far?”

Elena: *reading off paper* “Rufus walks into the center of the fluffy animals wearing a flannel shirt and smiling widely.”

Rufus: “That’s four hours worth of work?!”

Tseng: “Apparently.”

Rufus: “That’s what I get for having Turks do the job of college graduates!”

Tseng: “Hey!”

Rufus: “We have to get to what I say.” *thinks* “How about I start off talking about how much everyone loves me?”

Elena: “Um…not the best idea.”

Tseng: “You should talk about how much you love the people in Midgar.”

Rufus: “I don’t love them!” *pause* “I love their money…”

Tseng: “That won’t work.”

Rufus: “Well why not? It’ll make them feel like they’re making a difference!”

Rude: “No one wants to make a difference to your wealth.”

Rufus: “It’s hard to be rich!”

Rude: “I sleep on sheets made of newspapers.”

Rufus: “Fine. I won’t talk about my wealth. Happy now, Rude?”

Rude: “Newspapers, Rufus. Newspapers.”

Rufus: “How about we make up something about how mako helps the planet?”

Tseng: *hand to his head* “We’re never getting out of here.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, reno stomps back into human resources and goes straight over to tammy)

Tammy: “What do you want?”

Reno: “Fine. You got me. I didn’t call you back because I’m embarrassed. Embarrassed of my addictions to drugs and alcohol. So can I have that form where you get time off to go to rehab?”

Tammy: *looks uncertain* “Well…you do smell like gin.”

Reno: “That’s actually cologne. …But then again I did have gin with my breakfast.”

Tammy: “Gross.” *pulls out a form* “You have to fill this out and then have it signed by your supervisor.”

Reno: “You mean Heidegger?”

Tammy: “Yup. And his boss.”

Reno: *gulp* “You mean Rufus?”

Tammy: “Huh?”

Reno: “President Rufus?”

Tammy: “Yeah.” *pause* “Wow, you must be drunk to just call him by his first name.”

Reno: “Right. Whatever. Can I call you when I get out of rehab?”

Tammy: “No.”

Reno: *grins* “Can’t blame a guy for trying.”

(so he leaves, goes back to the lounge and starts filling it out)

Reno: *writing* “Name… Okay. Employee number. Uh…I don’t know! I’ll just make something up. Okay, here we go. List all the substances you are addicted to. Nicotine. Check. Alcohol. Check. Marijuana. Check. Hey, that’s not so bad. They’ve really got some hard core $%^& listed on here!” *puts pen away* “Okay, now I just have to find Heidegger.”

(so he gets up and heads to heidegger’s office. He knocks on the door, but no one answers)

Reno: “Dammit. Where could your fat ass be hiding?”

(two employees walk by)

Man 1: “Did you get that e-mail about the monster in the men’s bathroom?”

Man 2: “I heard he makes a farting noise that shakes the whole hallway!”

Man 1: “Why are we even creating stuff like that?”

Man 2: “Man, I don’t know. Let’s get a soda.”

(they walk away. Reno stands there grinning a moment and then dashes off)

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, reeve and the three random employees run up to the lab to see hojo. Reeve knocks on the door.)

Hojo’s voice: “What do you want?”

Reeve: “I need to see some of your footage!”

Hojo’s voice: “No one sees the footage! Not nobody not know how!”

Johnson: “What?”

Reeve: “Open up, Hojo! Someone’s stolen thousands of dollars in office supplies!”

Hojo’s voice: *sighs and mutters* “That’s something he *would* care about.”

(but the door opens. Hojo is heading over to his computer.)

Reeve: “I need to see footage of the office supply closet.”

Hojo: “You’d be surprised how many people hook up in there.”

Simmons: “What?”

Hojo: “Nothing. That’s a lot of footage to look through. What’s missing?”

Reeve: “Erasers. 500 boxes of them!”

Hojo: *pauses* “Erasers, did you say?”

Reeve: “Yeah.”

Hojo: “Well! Then today is your lucky day my friend! I think I have just the footage you need to see.”

(he sits down at the computer and quickly gets up the video of heidegger sitting at his desk eating the erasers. The other men watch in shock)

Adams: “Nasty!”

Simmons: “Sickening!”

Johnson: “Gross.”

Reeve: “I should have known.”

Hojo: “So you see how that many erasers could easily disappear quickly.”

Reeve: “Yeah. Ugh. Take it off.”

Hojo: *turns it off* “By the way, did you get that e-mail about the monster in the bathroom?”

Reeve: “No.”

Hojo: “Oh. Well it wasn’t anything of mine. They’re behind electrified crates. And for good reason.”

Reeve: “Right. Well, thanks.” *turns to the others* “I guess we better go find Heidegger.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

4 P.M.

(reno comes to the bathroom which still has the caution sign out front. He stares at it for a long moment)

Reno: “Just think about all the paid time off you’re gonna get.”

(and with that he takes a deep breath and goes into the bathroom. As soon as he goes in he turns green and starts to wheeze)

Reno: “Oh my god! You can *see* the stench in here!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! And hear it!” *farts*

Reno: *looks like he’s about to puke* “Hey, uh, Heidegger, it’s me! Reno! I was wondering…could you sign something for me?”

Heidegger: “Sure! Gya haa haa! Just pass it under the door! Gya haa haa!”

(grimacing, reno hands the paper and the pen under the door. Heidegger then hands it back)

Heidegger: “Here you go! Gya haa haa! Oops! I dropped the pen in the toilet! Gya haa haa!”

Reno: *running for the door* “That’s-okay-you-can-keep-it-oh-god-I’m-gonna-hurl!”

(rushing outside he collapses and takes many deep breaths)

Reno: “Oh my god! It smells like rancid cheese and rotten eggs in there!” *holds up sheet* “But at least I got my signature!” *pause* “Now I just need Rufus to sign it.” *goes to get up but falls back down* “But first I need more air.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(back in scarlet’s office, her phone rings. She looks at the caller ID, smirks, and picks it up)

Scarlet: “Scarlet Calhoun.”

Kuja’s voice: “You bitch! You send us a package of supposed brand name products, but all the labels are glued on! It’s all your bargain bin special! I put some of this on my face!”

Seymour’s voice: *in the background* “It’s burning! It’s burning!”

Scarlet: “That’ll teach you to raid my make-up!”

Kuja’s voice: “Fine! If you want your skin to fall off in gigantic chunks that’s your own problem. I have to go wash my face again! Ugh! I can still feel the cheap invading my pores!”

(scarlet hangs up and laughs.)

Scarlet: “Boy, was this a boring day.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back in rufus’ office…)

Rufus: *writing* “I think this part I just wrote is great!”

Elena: “Okay, well read it!”

Rufus: “Okay, this is me speaking.” *clears throat and reads* “Hi, friends. I’m Rufus Shinra, President of Shinra Inc. Some of you may have seen my recent ads and thought that they weren’t very nice. The truth is, those ads were created by my evil and twisted twin brother Shufus. Thankfully, I killed him, so all is now well for me and all the fuzzy animals that live here with me at Shinra Inc.” *smiles* “Well?”

Tseng: “Your twin brother Shufus?!”

Elena: “Who you *killed*?”

Rude: “Awful.”

Rufus: “What’s wrong with it?”

Tseng: “First of all, don’t blame it on somebody you made up.”

Elena: “And don’t claim you killed someone! Especially someone related to you!”

Rufus: “But he was evil! I said that he was evil! I was doing everyone a favor! Maybe he’s crazy too! I could add crazy in there!”

Rude: “And you don’t live with a bunch of fuzzy animals.”

Rufus: “I live with Mr. Jingles! He’s a fuzzy animal!”

Turks: *give him a look*

Rufus: *pouts* “Fine.” *crumples it into a ball and throws it out* “I now understand why I pay people to do this!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, reeve and his team are now at heidegger’s office knocking on the door)

Reeve: “Heidegger! Heidegger! Open up!”

Adams: “He’s probably too fat to get up.”

Johnson: “Kevin!”

Adams: “What? He probably is!”

Simmons: “Shush!”

Reeve: *sigh* “I don’t think he’s in here.”

Adams: “Maybe he’s in the cafeteria. That’s where I’d be if I was a fat ass.”

Simmons: “You’re going to get fired.”

Reeve: “No, he has a point. Let’s go check.”

(so they go to the cafeteria and look around but to no avail)

Johnson: “Nope. He’s not here either.”

Adams: “I’m outta ideas.”

Simmons: “Where else would he go?”

Everyone: “………”

Reeve: “I don’t know.”

Adams: “It’s hard to get into the mind of a man who eats erasers.”

Reeve: “This is true.”

(two other employees walk in)

Guy 1: “Hey, Kevin! Did you get that e-mail I sent you?”

Adams: “What e-mail?”

Guy 2: “There’s apparently some kind of monster in the bathroom on the 54th floor. Every time someone tries to come in there they come out looking like they’re gonna puke.”

Guy 1: “Yeah. And there’s lots of weird noises coming from there too.”

Guy 2: “Weird laughing.”

Reeve: *gasp* “Heidegger!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

5 P.M.

(so reeve and his group go to the bathroom, which still has the sign out front. They hesitate at the doorway)

Simmons: “You really gonna go in there, sir?”

Reeve: “…Yeah.”

Adams: “Godspeed.”

Johnson: “Yeah.”

(reeve takes a deep breath and is about to go in when the door swings open and heidegger emerges. Coming with him is the stench. Everyone grimaces and backs away)

Guys: “Ugh!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I feel 100 pounds lighter!”

Reeve: “Heidegger! Have you been stealing erasers from the office supply closet?”

Heidegger: “I don’t know what you’re talking about! Gya haa haa!”

Reeve: “Really? Because I happen to have video footage of you eating the erasers!”

Heidegger: “Crap! Gya haa haa!”

Reeve: “I’m telling Rufus, and you’re going to owe the company 24,000 gil!”

Johnson: “Ugh. Can we get out of here now? I’m getting dizzy!”

Simmons: “I’m gonna throw up.”

Adams: “Me too.”

Reeve: “Yeah. Ugh. Me three.” *they all start to walk away* “And I’ll make sure you can’t get into the office supply closet again!”

(they are leaving just as scarlet comes over)

Scarlet: “What was that about?”

Heidegger: “I’m in trouble! Gya haa haa!”

Scarlet: “Whatever.” *pause* “Hey… I didn’t think it was possible, but you look thinner.”

Heidegger: “I just dropped some weight! Gya haa haa!”

Scarlet: “Yeah. Sure you did.” *sniffs the air* “Ugh! Something stinks!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back to rufus’ office)

Rufus: *reading* “And I, Rufus Shinra, pledge that I love all the citizens of Midgar, even the poor and useless ones.”

Rude: “Do you ever learn?”

Rufus: “What? Most of them are poor and useless!”

Tseng: “Rufus, we’ve been at it all day and everything you’ve come up with is horrible.”

Rufus: “You haven’t come up with anything great!”

Tseng: “You liked my fuzzy animals idea. Which wasn’t even really an idea.”

Rufus: “You need more than one idea to get ahead in this business!”

Tseng: “This isn’t even my business! We just had nothing else to do!”

Rufus: “Well you’re all impossible! I give up! I’m giving the job to the people I pay to do this stuff!”

Elena: “I think that’s probably for the best.”

(there’s a knock on the door)

Rufus: “Come in!”

Reno: *entering* “Hey everybody! It’s 5 o’clock! What are you still doing here?”

Rude: “Suffering.”

Rufus: “What are you still doing here, Reno? I thought you were on special assignment.”

Reno: *grins* “Thanks for covering for me, Tseng.”

Tseng: “No problem.”

Reno: “I’ve actually been doing something, Rufus. And now I need your signature.” *snatches a pen off the desk and hands everything to rufus*

Rufus: *reading it* “What’s this?”

Reno: “Nothing important. Don’t read it, just sign it.”

Rufus: *still reading it*

Reno: “Just sign your name.”

Rufus: *still reading*

Reno: “I could even sign it for you if you want.”

Rufus: *frowns* “You’re not going into rehab!”

Reno: “Sure I am!”

Rufus: “No you’re not!”

Reno: “How could you say that to me? I thought you’d be proud! You’re always telling me I’m a drunk! And that I should get help!”

Rufus: “You are a drunk! And you should get help! But not on my dime you’re not! You’re just doing this for the time off!”

Reno: “I am not!”

Rufus: “You are too!”

Reno: “I am not!”

Rufus: “You are too! I bet you made up the ‘Groovy Times Rehab Clinic’.”

Reno: “No I didn’t.”

Rufus: “I’m not signing this. Now go home.”

Reno: “I’m gonna go get drunk.”

Rufus: “You do that.”

(then reeve bursts in)

Rufus: “Excuse me?! No knocking??”

Reeve: “Rufus! I found out that Heidegger has been eating the erasers from the office supply closet.”

Rufus: “Really?”

Reeve: “Yes.”

Rufus: “That’s funny, ’cause I joked about that this morning.”

Reeve: “Yeah, well, he ate 24,000 gil worth.”

Rufus: *eyes wide*

Reno: “See! I can’t get the help I need for my disease, and yet Heidegger can eat 24,000 bucks worth of erasers.”

Reeve: “We have it on tape.”

Rufus: “Oh thank god for Hojo’s perversion! That fat bastard is going to be punished severely!”

Reno: “Speaking of that fat bastard, he was severely punishing the toilet this afternoon.”

Elena: “Ew!”

Reno: “He was! He was like in there all day. There was even an e-mail rumor going around about it.”

Rufus: “That was Heidegger?”

Reno: “You got the e-mail?”

Rufus: “Yeah. I thought it was a joke.”

Reno: “Oh, that was no joke.” *shudders* “I’ll never forget that stench.”

Rufus: “Oh well. I’m sure the smell will fade by morning.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(hours later there’s an old janitor wheeling a mop and bucket towards the infamous bathroom. With a tired sigh he pushes the door open and goes inside. You can immediately hear the mop hit the floor)

Janitor’s voice: “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! What kind of monster did this?!”

THE END

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