#176 – Snake In Da House

Shadow: *sings* “It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day for a doggy! Won’t you be mine? Won’t you be mine? Won’t you be my doggy!”

Originally Published: 6/2/11 . 16 pages

Solid Snake is convinced there is terrorist activity going on in the ramble room – and he’s on the case!

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

Yet another ramble that was better in concept. There is decent stuff in here, but basically it’s one big set-up for future rambles. And I hate the title now, though I liked it at the time.

(we begin over at the condos where lloyd, chris and dante are out in front of their condo. There’s also some rustling in the bushes. Solid

snake is crouched down, hiding in there)

Lloyd: “I freaking hate you, Dante! I’ve been sleeping on the couch ever since you let your loser friend have my room! And I can’t get into that stupid ‘room’ you got for me! Nothing breaks through those walls! Nothing! Not even a cannon! Not even a laser! I’ve tried everything! You’re an asshole!”

Dante: *chuckles* “That is great.”

Chris: “The action at the club has been pretty good lately. I’m almost at my goal. I can’t wait to see the Louvre.”

Dante: “I thought you were going to fight Umbrella.”

Chris: “I am. But that doesn’t mean I can’t sight see while I’m there.”

Dante: “…Whatever. Lloyd, go take out the trash. I don’t think there’s room for you in the can, but I’m sure if you just stand next to it, the garbage man will just dump you in with the rest.”

Lloyd: “It’s Vergil! And no! #$%^ you, Dante!”

Dante: “Do it or you won’t even have a couch to sleep on.”

Lloyd: “You can go to hell!” *but he stomps inside anyway*

Dante: “I’m going inside. You got any more of that colorful plant that’s good for ‘healing’?”

Chris: “Tons.”

Dante: *grins* “Great.”

(they go inside. In the bushes, solid snake sneaks forward and peers through the leaves at the ramble complex across the street. Outside we have zidane washing one of algus’ cars. Bryatt sits on the steps eating an ice cream. Zell sits nearby looking bored.)

Snake: *whispers* “Otakon. Can you read me, Otakon? I’ve been observing these strange people across the street. They come and go at all hours of the day and night. I think they might be terrorists. I’m going to infiltrate their hideout and learn their secrets. I’ll report back when I find a safe location to transmit.”

(and with that he starts to sneak across the street. He dashes across to the other side and dives into some bushes by the stairs)

Bryatt: *turns* “Did you hear that?”

Zell: “Huh?”

Bryatt: “Sounds like something dove into the bush.”

Zell: “Probably a squirrel. Franswa and I counted like twenty of them yesterday.”

Bryatt: “That is like the twentieth time you mentioned Franswa in the past two minutes. Why don’t you just go over to his house?”

Zell: “I can’t! He’s at work. And I can’t go there because Rufus says I’m interfering with putting out the fires.”

Bryatt: “So what? Since when do you listen to Rufus?”

Zell: “I…always listen to Rufus.”

Zidane: “I wish I didn’t have to listen to Algus! Now he gave me this cell phone and keeps calling me making more demands! And I made the dumb decision to give Lloyd my phone number! He keeps calling me and begging me to take him back!”

Bryatt: “I can’t take either one of you. I’m going inside.” *he goes inside*

Zell: *blink blink* “Was it something I said?”

Zidane: “Yeah. Franswa this, and Franswa that. Geez, dude! Do something about it already!”

Zell: “I can’t! And I don’t wanna talk about it!”

Zidane: “I guess I should stop talking about Algus. …And Lloyd. …And how much I hate my tail.”

Zell: “Yeah.”

Zidane: “Well, now that my crush of the week has gone inside, help me finish washing this car. I can’t reach the roof.”

Zell: *shrugs* “All right.”

(he gets up to go help zidane and snake quietly sneaks up the stairs and goes inside. The hallway is empty. He stands in the shadows)

Snake: “Otakon! I am inside the base! Repeat! I am inside the base!”

(then rufus comes walking over with a big cardboard box. Snake crouches down)

Rufus: “This was certainly a big box for a wallet! I guess they wanted to protect the diamond plating.”

(he dumps the box in the corner and leaves. Snake looks at the box and smiles.)

Snake: “Otakon, I have a plan.”


(meanwhile, in the tv room, rufus walks in with his new wallet. Algus is looking out the window. Laguna is watching super hyper heroes club.)

Algus: “Look at that useless knave Zidane! He has coerced another peasant into helping him wash my car! Well since he didn’t do all the work he’ll see the effect in his pay!”

Rufus: “Take a look, Algus! My new diamond plated wallet came in! It has an emerald clasp and can hold up to a million dollars!”

Algus: “It’s simply lovely, Rufus! It seems you stopped your wallet exploding problem!”

Rufus: “For 5 million dollars, this wallet better not explode!”

Laguna: “Hey, hey, Rufus! You wanna watch Super Hyper Heroes Club? It’s a repeat, but still a good one! We had lots of fun watching it together last time! Remember the cool rocket ship?”

Rufus: *blink blink* “No…”

Laguna: *frowns* “Oh. I thought I remembered you talking about how cool it was…”

Algus: “This show is for preschoolers. Certainly Rufus would not be caught dead watching it.”

Laguna: “That’s cool, man! Whatever! Hey, how come we haven’t had a MAFIA meeting lately? I’ve got lots of money in my bank account that I’ve got nothing to do with!”

Rufus: “The idiot has a good point, actually. We should think of another business venture.”

Algus: “Capitol idea, Rufus! I actually have an idea I’ve been toying with for awhile. I’ll call a meeting later today.”

Rufus: “Whatever it is I don’t want it to be anything that can even remotely catch on fire. My insurance is through the roof.”

Algus: “Well, let’s go tell the others.”

(they both go to leave but they both nearly trip over the cardboard box rufus had dumped in the hall)

Rufus: *blink blink* “I thought I put that outside.”

Algus: “Just leave it. The peasants will either dispose of it or use it for a house.”

(they leave. The box slowly sneaks closer to the wall. Kiros and ward enter)

Kiros: “I told you the idiot would be here, Ward!”

Ward: *sigh*

Kiros: “Laguna, Ward says the zoo called. They want you back by noon.”

Laguna: *blink blink* “Why would the zoo want me back? I haven’t been there in years!”

Ward: *smirk*

Kiros: “Ward says forget it. You’re so stupid you don’t even get a joke making fun of how stupid you are.”

Laguna: “I like jokes! You know any good ones, Ward?”

(squall comes in)

Squall: “Dad, your secretary is on the phone.”

Laguna: “Cool! What’s hanging in good ol’ Esthar today?”

Squall: “She said the authorities are searching your office for proof you sold confidential documents to the public. Apparently someone tipped them off.”

Laguna: *pales* “Uh oh… That sounds bad.”

Kiros: “Ward says this is a long time comin’!”

Ward: *hits himself in the head*

Laguna: “Guess I should probably get over there, right?”

Squall: “Yeah.”

Laguna: “Guess that means I can’t watch the rest of my show, right?”

Squall: “I’m supposed to be your son. Stop asking *me* what to do.”

Laguna: “Right you are, son! Let’s go! To the Laguna-mobile!”

(he runs out. Squall, kiros and ward all follow him. Then snake pops his head out from under the box)

Snake: “Otakon, it seems one of these terrorists is being investigated in a country named Esthar. Sounds like it might be on some alien

planet. God only knows what I’ve gotten myself into on this mission. A group of alien underground terrorists seems likely. Apparently the mafia is also involved. I obtained the information that they’re having a meeting later. I will do my best to sneak into this meeting and learn of their sinister plans. Snake out.”

(and so he goes back under the box and sneaks out into the hallway. He next sneaks into the ramble room where setzer, edgar, sephiroth and shell have been gathered by rufus and algus)

Algus: “…And so we’re having a MAFIA meeting later to discuss that, and many other topics.”

Sephiroth: “Fine.”

Edgar: “Sounds promising!”

Setzer: “I thought maybe we had given up on the MAFIA.”

Algus: “Of course not! You never give up in the world of business!”

Shell: “So we’re gonna meet in the pool area?”

Algus: “Yes. It’s the perfect setting for our next plan.”

Edgar: “Ooh! The suspense is killing me already!”

Sephiroth: “Can we go now?”

Rufus: “Just don’t miss the meeting.”

(he turns around and nearly trips right over the box again)

Rufus: *blink blink*

Algus: “What is it?”

Rufus: “It’s this box again!”

Algus: “Probably some brainless peasant is trying to hide it and doing a poor job. Just leave them to their pathetic game. Let’s go.”

(rufus lets algus lead him away but he keeps looking at the box in confusion. Edgar and setzer leave with edgar chatting excitedly. Shell

leaves filing her nails. Sephiroth sighs and lies down taking up the whole couch. Then tseng walks in)

Tseng: “Hey.”

Sephiroth: *grunts*

Tseng: “Nice hello. Have you seen Reeve?”

Sephiroth: “No.”

Tseng: “He said he was taking Lily for a walk, but I can’t find him.”

Sephiroth: “Stop stalking him.”

Tseng: “I’m not stalking him! I was going to join him, but I can’t do that if I can’t find him!”

Sephiroth: “Well I haven’t seen him.”

Tseng: “You know, what is with you? You’ve been acting strange ever since we got back from the camping trip.”

Sephiroth: “No I haven’t.”

Tseng: “Yes you have.” *pause* “Did something happen? Did you sleep with Zidane again?”

Sephiroth: “Ew! I can’t believe you’d even think that!”

Tseng: *smiles* “Now that’s more like you.”

(then who enters but kuja and seymour. Seymour does not look like his usual self. He is wearing very nice clothes and his hair is not

sticking up in all directions like usual. Instead it’s been combed out and is hanging loose)

Sephiroth and Tseng: *blink blink*

Kuja: “Hello, all. I know Seymour’s ugly face isn’t usually allowed in here, but I gave him a make-over, so he actually looks presentable.”

Seymour: “That’s the last time I ever lose a bet to you.”

Kuja: “You should have known better than to bet against my knowledge of the Victoria’s Secret catalog. Besides, it was the best thing for you. You look fabulous now.”

Seymour: *pouts*

Tseng: “Have you guys seen Reeve?”

Kuja: “No, but I nearly broke my heels on this stupid box.” *kicks it*

Box: *muffled grunt*

Seymour: *blink blink* “Did you hear that?”

Kuja: “Hear what?”

Seymour: “That box just made a noise when you kicked it.”

Kuja: “I think the fumes from your rancid perfume are getting to your head.”

Sephiroth: “So what are you ladies doing here?”

Seymour: “We’re looking for Shadow. Have you seen him?”

Sephiroth: “No… Why are you looking for that freak show?”

Kuja and Seymour: *exchange a look*

Kuja: “Well… I’m still trying to get a glance at his face.”

Tseng and Sephiroth: *blink blink*

Tseng: “You guys must be really bored over in loser land.”

Seymour: “He’s really gorgeous!”

Sephiroth: “This conversation couldn’t bore me more. I’ll see you girls later.” *he leaves*

Tseng: “I’m gonna go find Reeve.” *he leaves*

Seymour: “So. Where would a beautiful strange man who constantly wears a mask be hiding?”

Kuja: “Don’t ask me like I know where people with masks hang out. That sounds more like your specialty.”

(then reeve enters, pushing lily in her stroller)

Reeve: “Hey. Have you guys seen Tseng?”

Seymour: “He was just in here looking for you.”

Reeve: “Really?” *sigh* “Thanks, Seymour.” *pauses and blinks* “…*Seymour*?”

Kuja: “I know. He actually looks human now, right?”

Seymour: “Oh you are such a bitch.”

Kuja: “And proud of it.” *bends down to look at lily* “Hi, sweetie! Why, aren’t you just the cutest little baby! And so nicely dressed!”

Reeve: “Say…do you ever hang out with Tseng at Uncle Shenanigans?”

Kuja: “No. I mean that place is okay, but if I want to go out, I want to see and be seen, if you know what I mean.”

Reeve: “Oh. Never mind then. I’ll see you later.” *he leaves with lily*

Seymour and Kuja: *look at each other*

Seymour: “Guess we should get back to our mission.”

(they start to leave)

Kuja: “Don’t call it a mission. We’re not secret agents. I wouldn’t be caught dead in a trench coat.”

(they leave. Snake pokes his head out of the box again.)

Snake: “Otakon! I have learned the location of the mafia meeting! It is be held in the pool area. I must find this area. Also,  I believe the terrorists are onto my disguise. One of them kicked it. I will have to rely on stealth alone for now.”

(and with that he gets out from under the box and sneaks out of the room. He gets up against the wall and is sliding along the wall, looking forward. He doesn’t notice the other person who’s doing the exact same thing. Suddenly they bump into each other. Snake slowly turns his head and comes face to face with shadow. shadow screams and runs off.)

Snake: “Otakon! It seems I am not the only one investigating this horrible place. The ninja is back! If I see him again I will attempt to capture him and pump him for information.”

(he continues sneaking against the wall. At one point lark passes him. She stops for a moment, looks right at him, shrugs, and continues on her way. Snake then continues down until he reaches a door marked ‘pool’. He tries to open it, but it’s locked)

Snake: “Otakon! I have found the pool area! Unfortunately it seems the mafia is one step ahead of me and they have locked the door! I am going to attempt to find another entrance.”

(and so snake sneaks around until he finds a door leading back outside. He starts to sneak around the building but then he spots shadow and interceptor and he quickly presses himself up against the wall. Shadow is walking interceptor happily)

Shadow: *sings* “It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day for a doggy! Won’t you be mine? Won’t you be mine? Won’t you be my doggy!”

Interceptor: *happy bark*

Snake: *blink blink*

(locke comes over)

Locke: “Hey, Shadow. What’s up? Taking Interceptor for a walk?”

Shadow: “No! I am trying to restrain him! He’s out for blood! Out for blood I tell you! Now be gone! Before he drops a house on you too!”

Locke: “Whoa… I see you’ve taken your extra crazy pills this morning. I’ll catch you later.” *he leaves*

Shadow: *goes over to pet interceptor* “How’s my sweet, sweet sweetie liking his little walkie walk?”

Interceptor: *licks him*

(and so shadow gets up and him and interceptor continue away. Then kuja and seymour come sneaking up behind him and follow him off. Snake watches with a horrified expression)

Snake: “Otakon! I just saw the mysterious ninja again. Either he is the biggest phony the world has ever known, or he is the biggest

genius the stealth world has ever seen and is attempting to live among these terrorists. However, it seems there are some manly women who are following him around. They certainly are not dressed in any kind of camouflage. I am uncertain what their motives are. Unfortunately I do not have the time to investigate this now.”

(snake hurries across the grass to the fence separating the ramble room and dracula’s property. He hears a loud roar behind him and turns to see flamey, or sprinkles or you prefer, staring down at him. Snake looks alarmed and quickly moves further down.)

Snake: “Otakon! I have made another discovery. It appears the next door neighbors are providing safe harbor for dangerous animals in their backyard! Perhaps they are selling them on the black market. This must be investigated at a later date.” *looks and sees the glass enclosed pool area and gasps* “Otakon! I have found the pool area! Repeat, I have found the pool area!”

(he creeps up closer. There is a door on the outside. He tries to open it, but alas that one is locked as well. He can see the mafia members standing inside. He then reaches into his pocket, removes a small device, and presses it up against the glass to listen. He can hear everything perfectly.)

Algus: “…And that’s the new plan I have for our investment group!”

Rufus: “I don’t know, Algus. That’s a lot of money. A cruise ship? That’s like millions upon millions of dollars!”

Edgar: “I am a man who loves a good boat, mind you, but I have to agree with Rufus. A cruise ship is a multi-million dollar undertaking.”

Shell: “I never thought I’d say this, but Rude doesn’t have that kind of cash.”

Sephiroth: “I’m way too cheap to go for that idea.”

Setzer: “Where’s Laguna?”

Rufus: “He doesn’t need to be here. I just tell him what to make the check out to.”

Algus: “My friends! You didn’t listen to the rest of my idea! Rufus, how is your hotel doing?”

Rufus: “Great! I’m rakin’ in the money! And best of all, there’s almost no fires there!”

Algus: “Precisely! So how hard is it to branch out to a cruise ship from a hotel? A cruise ship is nothing more than a floating hotel!”

Shell: “That’s kinda true…”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, but it doesn’t make it any less expensive.”

Algus: “Ah, but here’s the genius of it. Rufus will create yet another division of Shinra Inc–“

Rufus: “I’m losing track at this point.”

Algus: “And we will be the primary share holders! Rufus and I will lay out all the money up front.”

Setzer: “A stock, huh? Isn’t that a bit risky? What if the company tanks?”

Rufus: “It won’t tank! It’s a Rufus brand product!”

Sephiroth: “You’ve started plenty of businesses that you wound up getting rid of, Shinra.”

Rufus: “Not getting rid of, selling! And for profit!”

Setzer: “Well I like a little risk anyway. Sounds good to me.”

Edgar: “I can’t wait to ride on the maiden voyage!”

Shell: *shrugs* “I like cruising. Sure, why not?”

Sephiroth: “…………”

Algus: “Well, Sephiroth? Are you in or not?”

Sephiroth: *sigh* “I guess so.”

Algus: “Excellent! We shall get started right away then!”

Rufus: “I’ll get Reeve to draw up plans for the ship. REEVE!”

(they all leave. Snake tucks the device back in his pocket)

Snake: “Otakon. It seems the mafia is looking to create a vacation empire. Disturbing, but not what I had expected. I’m ending my mission now and heading back to base.”

(he creeps back towards the front of the building. He steps out thinking the coast is clear, but zidane is still washing the car and spots him)

Zidane: “Hey! I know you!”

Snake: “Otakon I’ve been spotted!”

(he quickly hits zidane with some kind of projectile. Zidane’s eyes roll into the back of his head. Snake catches him as he collapses)

Snake: “I need a place to hide the body…”


(hours later…algus comes out of the ramble room looking annoyed)

Algus: “Zidane! Where are my slippers? Zidane! Are you not finished with that car yet? And while you were cheating no less! Doubly shameful!” *pause* “Zidane!”

(getting no answer, algus goes over and looks all around the car. Zidane is nowhere to be seen. Frowning he peers through the window inside the car and then opens the door. Zidane is strewn across the seat, half asleep)

Zidane: “Ah mah attatt…”

Algus: “Look at this display! You’re drooling all over my upholstery! And you’re on drugs, no doubt! Shameful! You’ll be lucky if you ever see a piece of candy again!” *he pulls zidane out of the car* “Now let’s go inside!”

Zidane: *collapses*

Algus: “…Zidane?” *pause* “Oh dear.”



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