#178 – This is the Life (part one)

Zidane: “Where do you think you’re going? Clean up this mess you made or you’ll be showering with soap on a rope in prison!”

Originally Published: 6/25/06 . 50 pages

Synopsis
Zidane sues Algus and wins! Now he gets all Algus’ money and Algus is stuck being his servant. How will Zidane use his new found wealth?

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

I love this set of rambles. I enjoy the Algus and Zidane relationship. It’s fun to see how Algus reacts when the tables are turned, and how Rufus treats him like he’s dead.

(we open in the ramble room. There we have zidane sitting on the carpet outside of algus’ rooms. He has a pair of tweezers in hand and seems to be picking something out of the carpet.)

Zidane: *mutters* “Stupid Algus. Needs all the lint picked out of the carpet. What a freak.”

(sunshine comes by. She sees zidane and stops.)

Sunshine: “Hi, Zidane!”

Zidane: *grins* “Hey there, beautiful!”

Sunshine: “…Please don’t hit on me.”

Zidane: “Sorry, it’s a reflex. What’s up?”

Sunshine: “Not much. I was just visiting with Rufus. What are you doing on the carpet with a pair of tweezers?”

Zidane: *sigh* “Do you really wanna know?”

Sunshine: “…I guess not.”

Zidane: “All you need to know is that it’s stupid Algus’ orders!”

Sunshine: “Why don’t you just quit?”

Zidane: “I can’t! …I can’t buy candy myself.”

Sunshine: “Why not? You can get a job!”

Zidane: “I can’t a job! I have a tail!” *grabs tail* “No one will hire me! Not even Rufus! And have you seen the freaks he’s got down at the Disco-Center?”

Sunshine: *frowns* “Well, slavery is illegal, you know.”

Zidane: “No kidding!”

Sunshine: “You could sue him.”

Zidane: “Really?”

Sunshine: “Sure. For compensation. Because I don’t think candy counts.”

Zidane: “That would be a dream! …But of course I have no money to pay a lawyer.”

Sunshine: “I’d do it.”

Zidane: “But I just said I couldn’t pay you.”

Sunshine: “That’s okay. I’ll do it pro bono.”

Zidane: “Huh?”

Sunshine: “For free.”

Zidane: *getting up* “Really?!”

Sunshine: “Sure! It’s about time someone put Algus in his place.”

Zidane: *jumps up and down* “This is great! What do I have to do?”

Sunshine: “Nothing. Leave everything to me. We’ll have this in court by the middle of the week.”

Zidane: “Wow. You really don’t like Algus, do you.”

Sunshine: “I don’t use the word *despise* very often, Zidane.”

Zidane: “Gotcha.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(the next day. Algus is in his room in front of the mirror when he hears a knock at the door.)

Algus: “Zidane, get that.” *no response* “Zidane?” *still nothing he sighs in annoyance* “Useless slave.”

(he goes over to the door and jerks it open. It’s sunshine.)

Algus: “Ah, Sunshine! Good morning! To what can I owe the honor of this visit?”

Sunshine: *shoving papers in his hands* “You’ve been served.”

Algus: *blink blink* “Excuse me?”

Sunshine: “I’ll see you in court tomorrow.”

(and with that she walks away. Algus, totally confused, goes back inside and shuts the door, looking at the papers in front of him. His eyes immediately go wide.)

Algus: “ZIDANE!!!!!!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(the next day in court, algus stands with a lawyer. Sunshine and zidane are at the next tame. Zidane looks pretty smug. The judge is banging his gavel.)

Judge: “Order! Order! Algus Sadalfas! You have been charged with keeping a slave and offering him no food or shelter other than a dog bed and some candy!”

Algus: “He deserves a dog bed! He has a tail!”

Zidane: *gasp* “That’s harassment! He’s discriminating against me!”

Judge: *bangs gavel* “Order!! Order here! We have heard startling testimony accusing Mr. Sadalfas of punishing his slave by beating him.”

Algus: “I didn’t beat him! I spanked him! And if I didn’t know better I’d say he liked it!”

Judge: “Mr. Sadalfas stop speaking out of turn! Never in all my years as a judge have I seen such a disregard for human decency as shown in the news report tapes provided by the prosecution. And nothing would serve you better than seeing the other side. I rule that all Algus Sadalfas’ money and estates are immediately transferred to Zidane Tribal as compensation for his work. And Mr. Tribal will employ Mr. Sadalfas as his servant, paying him a minimum wage salary per hour. If Mr. Sadalfas refuses this sentence, he will face 25 years in prison. Case closed.”

Zidane: “Whoo hoo!”

Bailiff: “All rise.”

(the judge gets up and leaves. Once he’s gone, zidane starts jumping around)

Zidane: “I’m rich!! I’m rich!! I’m rich!!” *hugs sunshine* “Thanks, Sunshine!”

Sunshine: “No problem.”

Algus: *stunned* “I’m ruined… Ruined…” *gasp* “I’ve become everything I hate!” *bursts out crying*

Zidane: “Yeah! Cry those tears of justice!”

Sunshine: “Zidane…don’t gloat.”

Zidane: “Sorry. I can’t help it.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(back at the ramble room, zidane bursts in excitedly, a downcast algus behind him)

Zidane: “I’m rich!”

Reno: “Since when do you play the lottery?”

Zidane: “No! I’ve got Algus’ money! And now he’s my slave!” *laughs*

Everyone: “………………”

Tseng: “Are you *serious*?”

Zidane: “Yup! Isn’t it great?”

Sephiroth: *is looking around*

Lark: “What the hell are you doing?”

Sephiroth: “Looking for Rod Serling. Because this must be the Twilight Zone.”

Twilight’s voice: *from another room* “Whoo! Twilight!”

Rufus: “My friend! This can’t be true! Tell me he’s lying!”

Algus: *heavy sigh* “He tells the truth.”

Edgar: “How did this happen?”

Setzer: *sympathetically* “Gambling?”

Algus: “No. He sued me for compensation. And he won.”

Rufus: “He sued you?! And you lost?! How did that happen?! Why didn’t you tell me!? I would have gotten my lawyer to defend you!”

Algus: “Your lawyer was already defending Zidane!”

Rufus: *wide eyes* “What?!”

Zidane: “Yeah, she hates Algus so much she worked for free!”

Algus: “Worst of all now I have to work for him as his slave!”

Zidane: “That’s not true! I have to pay him! But boy are you gonna work for that paycheck!”

Lark: “This is…the strangest thing that’s ever happened here.”

Sephiroth: “Really?”

Lark: *shrugs* “This week.”

Zidane: “Let’s go, everybody! I’m takin’ everybody out for drinks on me! Whoo hoo! I’d never thought I’d get to say that!”

(he leaves. Lark, reno, sephiroth and tseng all follow. Edgar, setzer, rufus and algus stand around in silence)

Edgar: “Well…”

Setzer: “Uh…”

Rufus: “Um…”

Edgar: “We have to be going now. We’re playing golf at the country club.”

Rufus: “Yeah. We’d invite you to come, but…you’re poor now.”

Setzer: “Sorry. You know the rules.”

(they leave the room, leaving algus alone. Zidane comes running back in)

Zidane: “Hey, Algus! Get the keys to your car! I mean my car! Better take the limo so I can fit all my friends inside! It’ll be the all night party mobile! You can drive – that way you can start earning your paycheck!”

Algus: “You can have the car, but I refuse to work for you! You may have bankrupted me, but you can never take away my pride by having me work for a classless phony like you!”

Zidane: *shrugs* “Have it your way. I’m sure you’ll love prison. Those lovely orange jumpsuits. Being fed god knows what. Sharing your cell with a big guy named Bubba who’s getting awfully lonely. You’ll fit right in! See ya.” *he leaves*

Algus: *eyes wide* “Never mind, Zidane! Wait for me!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(the next day zidane wakes up spread face down and backward on algus’ bed. He raises his head looking weary)

Zidane: “Ugh…how much did I drink last night?”

Algus: *folding clothes* “An embarrassing amount, I can assure you.”

Zidane: *runs a hand over his face* “Ugh… I shouldn’t have let Irvine and Reno talk me into buying all those shots.”

Algus: “Certainly not. You’re exceedingly immature. Not only for your health, but more importantly *my hard earned money* which you spent last night.”

Zidane: “What ‘hard earned’? You inherited it!”

Algus: “If you think no work goes into getting inherited money, you’d best think again!”

Zidane: “Hey…where did you sleep last night?”

Algus: “Next to you.”

Zidane: “I didn’t say you could do that, slave!”

Algus: “I’m not your slave. I’m your…uh…employee. And you needed help just to get to the bed.”

Zidane: “Ooh…kinky. Kinda.” *sits up* “Ow. My head.” *frowns* “You can’t sleep in this bed anymore, Algus. This is my bed now!”

Algus: “Fine. Then where is your room? I’ll sleep there.”

Zidane: “I don’t have a room anymore. It was next door, remember? You took it over to create this suite! I sleep in the closet.”

Algus: “Oh. Right. Well, it is an exquisite suite.”

Zidane: “Yeah, it’s my exquisite suite now. So guess who’s sleeping in the closet?”

Algus: *eyes wide* “…No.”

Zidane: *grins* “Yes.”

Algus: “You can’t do that to me!”

Zidane: “Why not? You did it to me!”

Algus: “But you’re a peasant!”

Zidane: “Right. And now you’re a peasant.”

Algus: “I am not! I’m still of noble blood! And no court of law can take that from me!”

Zidane: “Uh huh. Whatever.” *tries to get up but falls back on the bed* “Ugh. Hey, Algus?”

Algus: “I should kill you in your sleep.”

Zidane: “Know what else they have in prison? Group showers!”

Algus: “Damn you!”

Zidane: *chuckles* “Hey, Algus, how much money did I spend on booze last night?”

Algus: “3,000 dollars.”

Zidane: *sits up* “3,000 dollars?! OMG!”

Algus: *snort* “Please. That’s pocket change.”

Zidane: “Pocket change? How much money *do* you have exactly?”

Algus: “I’m not telling you!”

Zidane: “Maybe I should rephrase the question. How much money do *I* have?”

Algus: *sighs and mumbles something*

Zidane: “What?”

Algus: “You are now worth 500 trillion dollars.”

Zidane: *blink blink* “500? Trillion? How much is that? More than a million?”

Algus: “Yes.”

Zidane: “More than a billion?”

Algus: “Yes.”

Zidane: “So how much is that?”

Algus: “Do I have to draw you a diagram? That’s five with 14 zeros. Is that too complicated?”

Zidane: “No! I *can* count, you know!” *dreamily* “Wow… That is so much money… I’ve gotta get spending.”

Algus: “You *would* do that.”

Zidane: “First I need some new clothes.” *pause* “Give me what you’re wearing.”

Algus: “What?! Why!?”

Zidane: “Because. Those are too nice for an *employee* to be wearing. We’ll have to get you new clothes.”

Algus: “That is absurd! These are my clothes! They won’t even fit you! You’re too short!”

Zidane: “They can go to charity then.”

Algus: “Charity!? No!!”

Zidane: *laughs*

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(a few hours later in the ramble room, rufus, edgar, setzer, shell, sephiroth and laguna are all huddled in a circle talking, and they all look grim)

Setzer: “We are screwed.”

Edgar: “We are not screwed. Stop saying that.”

Shell: “Poor Algus. I feel bad for him.”

Laguna: “What happened?”

Sephiroth: “The only thing I care about is how this is gonna affect our plan.”

Rufus: “No one feels worse about it than I do – I mean Algus was my best friend–“

Shell: “*Was*?”

Rufus: “But now that he’s poor we’re just going to have to move on and continue the project in his memory.”

Laguna: “Algus is poor?! Omg! What happened?! Did something eat his money?! ‘Cause goats’ll eat anything!”

Sephiroth: “A goat didn’t eat it, you idiot. He lost a lawsuit against him and all the money went to Zidane.”

Shell: “If you listen to Rufus, he might as well be dead!”

Rufus: “I know *I’d* rather be dead!”

Edgar: “So now that Algus is no longer our President, what will happen?”

Rufus: “Well, as Vice-President I’m automatically promoted to President. And as President I am promoting Edgar to Vice-President and Setzer to treasurer.”

Setzer: “What about my old position as secretary?”

Rufus: “Anyone can do that job. We’ll give it to Laguna.”

Laguna: “Groovy! I got promoted!”

Edgar: “I appreciate my new position, Rufus, but I’m more concerned about the status of our cruise ship endeavor.”

Sephiroth: “Me too.”

Rufus: “No problem! It’s not like the money is gone, it’s just in different hands. So we’ll just have to get the money back.”

Sephiroth: “So basically you’re going to ask Zidane to join the club.”

Rufus: “Bingo! He can have the position we made up for Laguna. What was that again?”

Laguna: “Translator!”

Rufus: “Whatever. He can have that.”

Setzer: “I hope he agrees to join.”

Rufus: “Who wouldn’t? We’re the coolest people in the ramble room!”

(then the door opens and zidane comes in. he’s decked out in all new clothes from head to foot. Algus is behind him, loaded down with bags)

Zidane: “Booya! Look how hot I look! I spent 15,000 bucks and didn’t break a sweat!”

Algus: “I don’t like carrying these contraptions. The handles are flimsy and easily break!”

Zidane: “Shut up, slave.”

Algus: “Do one of you mind giving me a hand?”

Rufus: “Zidane, can we talk to you a moment?”

Zidane: “Sure!”

All: “……………”

Edgar: “Um…your slave will have to leave. This is a secret meeting.”

Algus: *jaw drops* “A MAFIA meeting!? You can’t do that without me! I’m your President!”

Rufus: “You *were* our President. Sorry! I took over. Zidane, could you order him away?”

Zidane: “Sure! Get lost, Algus! Go draw me a bath.”

Algus: “But I’m not sure which handle is hot and which is cold!”

Zidane: “You’ll manage.”

Algus: *glaring* “I can’t believe you’d all betray me like this! I founded this club!”

Zidane: “Algus, the important people are talking now. You can go.”

(looking infuriated, algus stomps out with the bags.)

Rufus: “Zidane, I don’t know how much you know about our exclusive club, but based on your recent…acquisitions, we’d like to invite you to join.”

Zidane: “Sure!”

Rufus: “Great! You’re our new translator!”

Laguna: “That’s my old job!”

Zidane: “Translator? What do I have to translate?”

Rufus: “Uh…it’s more like a title, rather than an actual…job.”

Zidane: “Whatever. So what do we do?”

Edgar: “We’re actually in the process of building a cruise ship that’s part of the Rufus Shinra resort.”

Rufus: “It’s called the King Rufus II. I’m not really a king, but, it still fits.”

Zidane: “A cruise ship? That’s awesome!”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, well our former President was financing half of it out of his own pocket.”

Zidane: “Oh. You mean Algus.”

Shell: “Right! And we kind of need that money to continue.”

Zidane: “Wow… I guess he…I mean *I* am a lot richer than most of you!”

Rufus: *frowns* “That’s not necessarily true. Some of us are just cheap.”

Sephiroth: “Are you talking about me? You’re talking about me!”

Zidane: “But you need me to put in what Algus was supposed to put in.”

Setzer: “Yeah.”

Rufus: “And that shouldn’t be a problem! Because the return on this venture is going to be huge!”

Zidane: “Oh! So this is an investment to you guys!”

Rufus: “Of course! Why do you think I build or produce anything? For fun and games?! All that matters in life is money. Not your friends, not your pets, not your health, nothing.”

Zidane: “So by doing this investing stuff you can make a fortune even bigger, huh?” *thoughtfully* “Interesting…”

Sephiroth: “So are you in?”

Zidane: “Of course! Sounds awesome!”

Rufus: “Excellent! I’ll need a check for 3 million dollars when you get a chance.”

Zidane: “Sure! That’s pocket change, as Algus would say.” *laughs*

Rufus: “Yeah… He was a funny guy.”

Shell: “He’s not dead.”

Sephiroth: *quietly to her* “Don’t bother. To this crowd, he might as well be.”

Shell: “I don’t see you being friendly to him.”

Sephiroth: “I never really liked him to begin with.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(later…sephiroth goes over to dante’s house and knocks on the door. Lloyd answers)

Sephiroth: *annoyed sigh* “Is Alucard here?”

Lloyd: “Yeah. Can you help me get into my room?”

Sephiroth: “No. Stop asking me.”

Lloyd: “Stop coming over here!”

(sephiroth ignores him and brushes past him. He goes to where dante and alucard are playing a video game. Dante is all into it, alucard seems like he doesn’t have the hang of the controls)

Dante: “Come on, Al! Get that guy over there!”

Alucard: “Oh! Uh…what moves the gun again?”

Dante: “I told you, baby, the right joy stick!”

Sephiroth: “Even after all his experience Alucard’s still not too good with anything stick-like.”

Alucard: *frowns at him* “I see you’re here *again* Sephiroth.”

Dante: *still playing* “Of course he is. He has no life, and he’s a wannabe.”

Lloyd: “Yeah!” *laughs*

Dante: “Shut up, Lloyd. You’re a never was.”

Lloyd: “$%^# you, Dante! And it’s Vergil!”

Alucard: “What are you doing here?”

Sephiroth: “Just checking to make sure the syphilis hasn’t killed Dante yet.”

Dante: “Ha ha. I cannot stop laughing. Where *do* you come up with this stuff?! It must take you all night!”

Sephiroth: *glares* “I’m glad you get such a kick out of yourself.”

Dante: “Well, I’m so good I can’t help myself.”

Sephiroth: “I still see you’re sticking with the unbuttoned shirts.”

Dante: “I see you’re still sticking with that haircut, or lack of it.”

Sephiroth: *takes out masamune* “You take that back!”

Dante: *gets up* “You wanna fight? Bring it!”

Sephiroth: “I’ll slice you into ten pieces before you hit the ground, you son of a bitch!”

Dante: “Big deal. I could hack you to bits while eating a pizza!”

Alucard: *gets between them* “All right, stop it! There will be no senseless violence.”

Sephiroth: *growls* “What’s senseless? It’s nothing less than he *deserves*.”

Dante: “Oh, please stop. You’re hurting my feelings!” *laughs*

Lloyd: “Kick his ass, Sephiroth!”

Dante: “Stay the #$%^ out of this, Lloyd.”

Lloyd: “My name is Vergil! And go to hell!”

Sephiroth: “I don’t know why I keep coming around here. Everybody’s half freak.”

Dante: “Well, you’re half science experiment.”

Sephiroth: *reaching for masamune* “I will f$%#ing kill you!”

Alucard: “Stop it! Sephiroth, you have to leave.”

Sephiroth: “Why do I have to leave?”

Alucard: “Because it’s his house! And why did you come over here anyway?”

Sephiroth: *mutters* “I’ll see you around.”

(he leaves. The door slams shut behind him.)

Dante: “God. He is lonelier than Lloyd.”

Lloyd: “Screw yourself, Dante!” *stomps off*

Alucard: *softly* “You may be right.”

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(back to the ramble room, zidane walks into ‘his’ room. He goes into the bathroom to find algus in the bathtub. There are bubbles all over the floor)

Zidane: “What the hell!? What a mess!”

Algus: “Sorry. I wasn’t sure quite how much of that bubble substance to put in, so I used the whole bottle. Can you clean it up?”

Zidane: “Can *I* clean it up?! You’re my employee now! And that’s *my* bath!”

Algus: *chuckles* “Oh, Zidane. I played your little game long enough. See, I was a good sport about it. We switched roles. You enjoyed it. I’ll even let you keep those clothes. But let’s be realistic. I belong to the elite, whereas you belong cleaning up my mess.”

Zidane: “No way! I won the lawsuit fair and square! We’re not playing a game, Algus! You get to clean up *my* mess now! Now get out of the tub or I’ll call the judge and you’ll go to jail! That’ll be a fun experience for you! Don’t bend down in the shower!”

Algus: *stands up* “Fine. We’ll see how this turns out. There are two kinds of people in this world, Zidane. Those who know how to use money, and those who know how to abuse it. No amount of money is infinite.”

Zidane: “Whatever! You buy gold plated toilet seats! Talk about abusing money!”

Algus: *raises an eyebrow* “Is it? Well. We shall soon see.” *grabs a towel*

Zidane: “Where do you think you’re going? Clean up this mess you made or you’ll be showering with soap on a rope in prison!”

Algus: “At least let me dress myself.”

Zidane: “No!” *smile* “I rather like you like that, *slave*.”

Algus: “You disgust me.”

Zidane: “Now you’re walking in my shoes.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(later that day, tseng is with lily in the ramble room. he’s sitting on the floor watching her crawl around and get into everything. she reaches for something under the couch and goes to put it in her mouth. he quickly rushes over to her)

Tseng: “No, Lily. Give that to daddy.” *takes it* “Another bottle cap? What a bunch of drunks.”

(zidane enters)

Zidane: “Hey, Tseng! What’s up?”

Tseng: “Not much. Just watching my daughter find every single thing that’s lying on the floor and try to put it in her mouth.” *picks up lily and stands up*

Zidane: “I was gonna go down to the strip club and blow a lotta money tonight! You wanna come along?”

Tseng: “I thought you might say that. I can’t, though. I have to watch Lily all night. Reeve’s taking a painting class and Elena went out.”

Zidane: “Reeve’s taking a painting class?”

Tseng: “He’s actually pretty artistic.” *sigh* “Reeve’s got a lot of talents.”

Zidane: “Oh. Well maybe tomorrow night then.”

Tseng: “You’re going to go blow money there two days in a row?”

Zidane: “At least! I’m rich now! I can throw thousands of dollars out the window if I want! And I won’t miss it!”

Tseng: “I hope you’ll be a little more careful with your new found wealth than *that*.”

Zidane: “Why should I? I’m the richest person in the ramble room now! I’m the richest member of the MAFIA!”

Tseng: *blink blink* “You’re in the MAFIA?”

Zidane: “I sure am! Now that Algus got bumped out, I got invited in! I’m the translator!”

Tseng: *frowns* “I’ve made a lot of good investments and they haven’t invited *me* in. I definitely have more money than what Shell’s squeezing from Rude!”

Zidane: “Sorry, man. Not everyone can be elite like us!”

Tseng: *still frowning* “Uh huh. Well you have fun at the club.”

(he quickly leaves the room.)

Zidane: “Well he’s a downer. I’ve gotta find somebody to go with! I can’t go by myself!”

(he goes to leave and nearly bumps right into sephiroth)

Zidane: “Hey, buddy! What’s going on?”

Sephiroth: “I’m not your buddy, Zidane. What do you want?”

Zidane: “Wanna go to the strip club with me?”

Sephiroth: “And watch Dante shake his disgusting ass in my face? No thanks.”

Zidane: “Aw, come on! I’m rich now, so it’s all on me! I’ll even pay your cover charge!”

Sephiroth: *sigh* “Fine. But don’t expect me to hit on the strippers for you. I’m not Tseng.”

Zidane: “Hey, man, I don’t need that anymore! I’m rich! And money makes the world go ‘round! I mean look at me! I look hot now!”

Sephiroth: “Whatever. If we’re going, let’s go.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

 

(meanwhile, a short time later, lark walks into the tv room. algus sits on the couch, pouting and watching tv. the commercials are on)

Lark: “Hi, Algus! How’s it going?”

Algus: “Horribly. I’m Zidane’s slave now! How did you *think* things would be going?”

Lark: “Sorry… I was just trying to be friendly.”

Algus: “I suppose it’s nice to see someone being friendly, now that my friends have cast me aside!”

Lark: “What?”

Algus: “I’m not rich anymore! What good am I to them?”

Lark: “Algus! You’re still the same person! Your money never changed that!” *pause* “Well, maybe it kinda did. When you were a kid or something. But only a little bit.”

Algus: “No. I’m broke now. I can’t do any of things we used to do together. Like go to the country club. Or burn money. Or laugh at the people shopping at the 99 cents store.” *hangs head* “Now I should be so lucky to shop at the 99 cents store.”

Lark: “Algus, you’re over reacting! They’re your friends! They won’t abandon you! No matter what!”

(the show comes back on)

Algus: “Sorry, Lark, I have to concentrate on watching this.”

Lark: *blink blink* “Since when do you watch Blind Date?”

Algus: “I don’t. Zidane ordered me to tape it. Unfortunately I couldn’t figure out how to work the tape machine. I think I broke it. So I’m watching it so I can explain the idiocy to him later.”

Lark: “Oh. Well, I’m sure you didn’t break the tape machine. There’s only one way to put the tape in there!”

Algus: “You can still put it upside down. And there is long, flimsy brown tape inside the cassette. I don’t think it’s good when that comes out and gets tangled in everything.”

Lark: “Yeah… That’s not good.”

Algus: “I tried to get it out with a knife, but that kept igniting sparks, so I figured I should stop before I set something on fire.”

Lark: “Good idea.”

Algus: “I would replace it for you, but…I’m stuck watching these two horribly incompatible people go on a date while my money is shoved down the g-strings of diseased men!”

Lark: *sweat drops* “Heh… Don’t worry about it.”

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, at the club, zidane and sephiroth are sitting in one of the booths. zidane is chugging something. he puts the glass down with a big smile)

Zidane: “I don’t know what I just drank, but I know it was expensive!”

Sephiroth: “That’s a great way to judge things.”

Zidane: “Hey, do you think I could pay one of these guys enough to sleep with me?”

Sephiroth: “Well, I don’t think very highly of strippers, but they’re not hookers. I don’t think so.”

Zidane: “No? Not even for a lot of money?”

Sephiroth: “I really don’t want to be having this conversation with you.”

Zidane: “What about that cop guy? He seems pretty desperate. Maybe he would.”

Sephiroth: “I don’t even think he’s gay.”

Zidane: “Well then we’ll see how badly he *really* wants to get to Europe.”

(alucard comes over)

Alucard: “Sephiroth? What are you doing here?”

Sephiroth: “Zidane dragged me here.”

Zidane: “I sued Algus and got his money! Now I’m rich! Do you think I could pay any of those strippers to sleep with me?”

Alucard: “Uh…”

Sephiroth: “I know. He’s super classy.”

Zidane: “Hey! You can’t blame a guy for trying! Money talks!”

Sephiroth: “It didn’t work when you were trying to get Snake’s attention.”

Zidane: “That guy’s a freak! Anyway, have a seat, Alucard! Join us!”

Alucard: “All right.” *sits down*

Sephiroth: “Do you always come down here when Dante’s working? Why don’t you just move in?”

Alucard: “I don’t always come down here. Only when I’m not busy.”

Zidane: *is putting a huge stack of singles on the table* “You think this is enough?”

Sephiroth: *blink blink* “That is like 300 hundred dollars!”

Zidane: “500 actually.” *grins* “I’m gonna go spend some. See you two later.”

(he leaves the booth. sephiroth just looks at alucard)

Sephiroth: “Can you believe him? It’s because of sickos like him that people like Dante make careers out of being skanks.”

Alucard: “He’s not really going to try and pay one of them for sex, is he?”

Sephiroth: “I don’t know. And please don’t tell me you think one of them would do it.”

Alucard: “No. Even if they wanted to, they’re not allowed.”

Sephiroth: “Oh gross. They actually have to have a rule against prostitution? Your boyfriend sure works at a classy establishment!”

Alucard: “Dante would never do that.”

Sephiroth: “Oh no? Why’s that?”

Alucard: “He has taste.”

Sephiroth: “Oh really? And is that why he picked you?”

Alucard: “Clearly. And before you make a crack about it, remember that so did you once.”

Sephiroth: “Everybody makes mistakes.”

Alucard: *frowns* “You never stop, do you.”

Sephiroth: “I couldn’t resist.”

(then who enters but algus. he spots sephiroth and comes over)

Algus: “Ugh! Just being in here is making every cell in my body beg to be cleaned! Why are you here?”

Sephiroth: “Zidane dragged me. What are you doing here?”

Algus: “I came to see how my money was being wasted! Where is that filthy monkey?”

Sephiroth: *points* “Over there.”

(algus turns to see zidane happily tipping gippal by the stage)

Algus: “Ugh! The only way he could offend me more is if he was purchasing a hooker!”

Sephiroth: “Give him time.”

Algus: “What?”

Sephiroth: “Nothing.”

Algus: “My god! This is all out of my worst nightmares! My money being given away to nearly naked men who are dancing for coins!”

Sephiroth: “Actually, they’re dancing for dollar bills.”

Algus: “Argh! My ancestors are rolling in their graves as we speak!”

(and with that he stomps out)

Alucard: “I can see he’s taking it hard.”

Sephiroth: “Can you blame him? I mean is there anyone less worthy to receive that kind of money than Zidane?”

(they both look to where zidane is simply just turning the money into paper airplanes and throwing them onto the stage)

Alucard: “You have a point.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(the next day. zidane is once again passed out on algus’ bed. algus is not so gently trying to prod him awake.)

Algus: “Wake up, Zidane. Wake up!”

Zidane: *mutters incoherently*

Algus: “Zidane!” *takes a pillow and whacks him over the head*

Zidane: *gets up rubbing his head* “Ow! What did you do that for!? I was sleeping! Get lost!”

Algus: “You have a phone call.”

Zidane: “This early?”

Algus: “It’s *noon*.”

Zidane: “Well who is it?”

Algus: *coldly* “It’s Rufus.”

(he tosses the phone at him and walks away. zidane sighs and picks it up)

Zidane: “Hello?”

Rufus: “Hey, buddy! It’s Rufus! Listen, I hate to be a pain but I really need that money we talked about yesterday! You think you could get that to me today? Just bring it by the Disco-Center.”

Zidane: “Oh right! Yeah, no problem!”

Rufus: “Great! See you later!”

(zidane hangs up.)

Zidane: “Algus! Come take away the phone.”

Algus: *stomps over and snatches the phone*

Zidane: “Geez… What’s your problem?”

Algus: “I don’t approve of the way you spent your money last night.”

Zidane: “Too bad. Because it’s *my* money. And I’m gonna do it again tonight. Did you tape Blind Date for me?”

Algus: “No. I broke the video taping device. So I watched it for you instead. It was dull.”

Zidane: “You idiot! How do you not know how to work a VCR?!”

Algus: “I had never used one before! I always had someone to do it for me!”

Zidane: “Wow, that’s sad. I’m surprised you know how to wipe your ass.”

Algus: “Well, when I was a boy—hold up a minute! Was that an insult?”

Zidane: “Yeah.”

Algus: “How dare you insult me!”

Zidane: “I can insult you all I want. You’re not my boss anymore! Now go pick out an outfit for me. I gotta get down to the Disco-Center and give Rufus some money.”

Algus: *just tosses a bunch of clothes across the room at him*

Zidane: “You’re a jerk even when you’re poor!” *looks at clothes* “Hey! None of these clothes have a place for my tail!”

Algus: “I’m not ruining that fabric just so you can fit your monkey part into human clothing!”

Zidane: “Hey! I didn’t choose to have a tail! And when we get back, you’re going to be punished!”

Algus: “You can’t punish me! I’ll leave!”

Zidane: “Yeah. And you’ll go to jail, where they uses prisses like you as currency! Now go get the shower ready for me!”

Algus: “I hate you!”

Zidane: “The feeling is mutual!”

(algus stomps into the bathroom. zidane smiles and leans back)

Zidane: “Ah…that felt good.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, in the hallway outside the ramble room. tseng is walking towards the door. he doesn’t notice elena is hurrying after him with lily and her stroller)

Elena: “Tseng!”

Tseng: *stops* “Elena…is everything okay?”

Elena: “Well, I need someone to watch Lily while I go to the doctor. They were able to squeeze me in at the last minute.”

Tseng: “Oh, I can’t! I promised Reno I’d help him with shipment at the bar.”

Elena: “What about Reeve?”

Tseng: “I…don’t know where he is.”

Elena: “You don’t know where he is?!”

Tseng: “Probably at the office or something. He said he was working on a project.”

Elena: “Well can’t you tell Reno something came up? I can’t take her with me!”

Tseng: “He said he’d pay me, Elena! I can’t bail on him at the last minute!”

Elena: *annoyed sigh* “Oh come on, Tseng. What’s Reno gonna pay you? He’ll probably give up a free beer.”

Tseng: “He will not! Why can’t you reschedule your appointment?”

Elena: “I can’t do that! This doctor books up for yearly exams months in advance! I was lucky to get in at all!”

(then rufus comes over. zell is pushing mr. jingles in his stroller)

Rufus: “Hey, guys! Is something wrong?”

Elena: “Oh, hi, Rufus.” *sigh* “We both have somewhere to be and need someone to watch Lily.”

Rufus: “I’ll take her!”

Elena: *smiles* “Really?”

Tseng: “Uh, that’s okay, Rufus. I’ll just tell Reno I can’t. I’ll watch her.”

Rufus: “I don’t mind! I was just going down to the Disco-Center for awhile to oversee things. We’ve had 30% less fires lately!”

Zell: “Hugh runs around with a bucket pretty much non-stop!”

Elena: “You really wouldn’t mind?”

Rufus: “Of course not!  She’s so sweet.”

Elena: “Thanks. I really appreciate it.”

Tseng: “You don’t have to do that, Rufus. I can watch her. Really.”

Rufus: *takes the stroller from elena* “Don’t worry about it, Tseng! I’ve got it! I’ll see you later!”

(and so he and zell, with their respective strollers, leave. tseng is glaring at rufus. elena is smiling)

Elena: “Well! Thank goodness for Rufus!”

Tseng: “I said I could do it. Why’d you let him take her?”

Elena: “Well, you really wanted to keep your promise to Reno. And he likes taking care of her!”

Tseng: “And why is that?”

Elena: “Why wouldn’t he? She’s so sweet!”

Tseng: “Of course she is, but Rufus is a busy guy. He really doesn’t have time to be dealing with a baby.”

Elena: *shrugs* “Does it really matter, Tseng? I have to go. I’ll see you later.” *she leaves*

Tseng: *mutters* “I’m not stupid, Elena.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(later, zidane and algus show up to the disco-center. zell, hugh and franswa are standing together at one of the registers. nemesis is nearby at his register, knitting)

Zell: “Hey, Z-man! I heard about what happened! Congrats!”

Zidane: “Thanks, Zell! Allow me to introduce you all to my new *employee* Algus!”

Algus: *glares*

Hugh: “I think he’s been possessed by the devil.”

Franswa: “You think everybody’s possessed by the devil.”

Zidane: “He’s just being a crank. How’s everything going?”

Franswa: *shrugs* “Okay, I guess.”

Hugh: “I put out 4 fires this morning. Most of them came from where the new Rufus brand hair dryers are displayed.”

Franswa: “It says ‘now with cheaper wiring’ right on the box.”

Zidane: “Ouch.”

(lloyd comes stomping over)

Lloyd: “Hey, *Zidane*.”

Zidane: “Oh, hi…you.”

Lloyd: “So you dump me and then become rich, huh? Think you’re hot stuff now?”

Zidane: “Pretty much, yeah.”

Lloyd: “Why do good things always happen to people who aren’t me?”

Zidane: “Your fly’s open, Lloyd.”

Lloyd: “Dammit! Stupid pants! I’ll show you!” *then he punches himself in the crotch* “…Ow.” *falls to his knees* “That hurt.”

Everyone else: *winces*

Zidane: “That is the dumbest display I’ve ever seen in my life.”

Algus: “This is the one time in my life where I’m going to agree with you.”

Lloyd: *falls on the floor crying*

Everyone else: *inches away from him*

Zidane: “So where’s Rufus?”

Hugh: “The boss is overseeing the store.”

(just at that moment rufus comes around the corner pushing lily in her stroller. he stomps over to nemesis)

Rufus: “Nemesis! This is not leisure time! There will be no knitting in my store while you’re on the clock!”

Nemesis: “STARS!”

Rufus: “…Well, fine. As long as the store is empty I guess it can’t hurt.”

Zidane: “Hey, Rufus!”

Rufus: “Zidane! My new favorite person!” *comes over* “You have the money?”

Zidane: “Sure thing! Let me just write you up a check!”

(he snaps his fingers and sighing algus produces a checkbook. zidane opens it, looks it over and goes kind of pale)

Zidane: “Uh…”

Algus: *hands him a pen*

Zidane: “Um…okay…uh…I…uh…I need something better to lean on. Be right back.”

(he grabs algus and quickly drags him into the next aisle while everyone else looks confused. algus has a smug smile on his face)

Algus: “You have no idea how to write out a check, do you.”

Zidane: “I’ve never had to before! What do I do?”

Algus: “I don’t know if I can help you, Zidane. I mean if I can’t even manage to operate a VCR…”

Zidane: “If there’s one thing you know how to do it’s write a check, Algus! Now I order you to help me!”

Algus: *sigh* “Very well. First, you fill in the date.”

Zidane: *does so* “Got it.”

Algus: “Next, where it says ‘pay to the order of’ write Rufus J. Shinra.”

Zidane: *writes that* “Okay.”

Algus: “Next they want the amount of money. How much does Rufus want?”

Zidane: “Three million dollars.”

Algus: “All right, so you’re going to write out three million dollars, all words, no numbers, and then put two zeros, a slash and the number 100.”

Zidane: *writing it* “Why?”

Algus: “It means there’s no change.”

Zidane: “Oh. That makes sense. Now what?”

Algus: “In the box write three million out in numbers.”

Zidane: *hesitates*

Algus: “That’s a 3 followed by six zeros, a decimal and two more zeros. And don’t forget the commas.”

Zidane: *writing* “I know, I know! Now what?”

Algus: “Sign it in the lower right corner.”

Zidane: *signs* “And what’s this ‘memo’ thing?”

Algus: “You can fill that in if you want to remember what you were paying for when you wrote the check.”

Zidane: “Oh. Okay.” *writing* “Cruise…ship.”

Algus: *frowns* “That was *my* idea.”

Zidane: “All done! At least you’re good for something.”

Algus: “You were good for nothing.”

Zidane: “Your insults don’t hurt me anymore.”

(they go back over to the others. zidane proudly presents the check)

Zidane: “Here you go, Rufus! Three million dollars! No sweat!”

Rufus: “Thanks.” *takes it and puts it away as he notices lloyd still on the floor* “Why is Vergil on the floor?”

Zell: “Rufus, as a fellow dude, it’s best you don’t know.”

Zidane: “Not like he had much use for it anyway.”

Lloyd: “I heard that! Ow…”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, in loser land,  kuja is staring at himself in the mirror and applying some kind of cream to his face. seymour is doing the same. scarlet is watching them looking amused. heidegger is struggling to do a sit-up while stinky sits on his chest and tries to encourage him. and nida has a psp and is watching something)

Kuja: “My skin may never be the same again. I still don’t feel clean.”

Scarlet: “Ha ha.”

Kuja: “You are a colossal bitch.”

Seymour: “I still have nightmares about it.”

Nida: “I’m watching a movie! And no one else can watch it because it’s only for me! Ha ha! You’re all jealous!”

Scarlet: “No we’re not.”

Nida: “This is the best gift ever! Now I can watch whatever I want, and no one can complain about it!”

Scarlet: “I don’t know how you can hear your movie with your mouth going like that.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I can barely move!”

Seymour: “Why is he trying to do push-ups?”

Kuja: “He’s trying to do push-ups? I just thought he fell on the floor and couldn’t get up.”

Hojo: *enters* “Kuja, my darling, I have a bit of news for you.”

Kuja: “Oh god, what.”

Hojo: “It seems your brother, or half brother, or whatever he is to you, has come into quite a bit of money.”

Kuja: *blink blink* “Zidane? How is that possible?”

Hojo: “Apparently he sued Algus and won, taking all his money. And by the ramble room footage I’ve observed, he’s spending it pretty freely. Also, Vincent and Auron have stopped having sex, but I can’t say even I’m disappointed about that.”

Kuja: “Zidane is rich!? …Have I told him lately that he’s my favorite brother?” *gets up* “I have to go see him and congratulate him.”

(he leaves)

Nida: “Ew! He’s not going to sleep with his *brother* is he?”

Hojo: “Technically they’re not brothers. They were both created. It’s quite an amazing feat of science, really. “

Nida: “Ew!! It’s still gross!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I really can’t get up!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………..

(and so zidane and algus return back to the ramble room. zidane is skipping happily)

Zidane: “I’m rich! I’m rich! Ha ha ha!”

Algus: *rolls eyes*

Zidane: “Hey, Algus. I’m gonna go down to the singles mixer instead of the strip club tonight. You can fetch me drinks while I put the moves on everybody. Now that I have money I have nothing to fear!”

Algus: “I certainly do.”

(then kuja comes over)

Kuja: “Brother! Have I told you how much I love you?” *hugs him*

Zidane: “You heard about my money, didn’t you.”

Kuja: *draws away* “Yeah.”

Zidane: “Well don’t even bother, Kuja! You’re not getting any of it! Besides, you’re not even really my brother.”

Kuja: “True, but we’re still bonded by our tails!”

Zidane: “I hate my tail.”

Kuja: “Me too. It’s the reason why I wear skirts all the time. Well, half the reason. I also just really like skirts.”

Zidane: “Uh huh. Well, see you later.” *tries to leave*

Kuja: *grabs his arm* “Now come on, Zidane! Don’t leave so soon! Let’s do something together!”

Zidane: “Don’t you get enough free stuff from Hojo?”

Kuja: “For all I do? It’s practically charity!”

Zidane: *sigh* “Fine. Look, I’m going to the singles mixer down at the center tonight. If you want, you can come with me.”

Kuja: “All right. There are worse places, I suppose.”

Algus: “Good. Then he can get you drinks instead of me.”

Zidane: “I don’t think so, slave. Don’t be getting any crazy ideas! Next you’ll want to learn how to read and write!”

Algus: “Excuse me! But I can already read and write, thank you very much! I was educated at the finest schools! You didn’t even graduate high school and get your diploma! What kind of respect do you think you’ll demand?”

Zidane: “Hey, I tried! You pulled me out!”

Kuja: “I didn’t go to school either.”

Zidane: “See! I’m not alone!”

Kuja: “But I didn’t really need to, because I have so many natural talents.” *flips back hair*

Zidane: “Gross.” *frowns* “You’re just saying that to try and get my down, Algus! I have street smarts! And street smarts beats school smarts every time!”

Algus: “This isn’t one of your school yard rock, paper, scissors games, Zidane. You couldn’t even properly fill out a check.”

Kuja: “Oh, I can do that. And Hojo uses a stamp for his signature. How easy is that?”

Zidane: “I don’t have to listen to this! Come on, Kuja. Let’s go get ready for the mixer.”

Kuja: “Can I put make-up on you?”

(they leave. algus stands there looking smug)

Algus: “I’ll just wait for you to crash and burn…”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, at the center…koudelka and yuri are standing at the desk. koudelka is on the phone.)

Koudelka: “What do you *mean* it’s going to be a few hours before you can pick up Serge!? There’s like 30 of you! Not one of you can take 5 minutes to come and get him?! I’ve got other things going on here! … …. ….Oh yeah, I would hope the baby dragon couldn’t drive! But what about the mushroom head guy! He’s got hands! …. …. …Oh, gross. Sorry I asked. Well fine, get here when you can.” *slams down phone* “I *hate* those Chrono Cross people sometimes!”

Yuri: “So I’m guessing we’re stuck with Serge for a few more hours?”

Koudelka: “Yeah. I guess we’ll just sit him down in the singles mixer. It’s not like he’s going to move or speak.”

Yuri: “What did they say was keeping them?”

Koudelka: “Oh, something about being stuck in the other world or something. I don’t know. I think they’re all smoking crack.”

(then tifa enters with richter)

Yuri: “Hey, at least some people come to pick up their patients.”

Koudelka: “Hi, Tifa.”

Tifa: “Hi! How was Cloud today?”

Yuri: “The same. Zack’s actually in there right now.”

Tifa: “He’s been coming by a lot, hasn’t he.”

Yuri: “Yeah, and thank god! Being in a room with those weirdoes for so long was driving me nuts!” *koudelka elbows him in the ribs* “Ow!”

Koudelka: “Heh. What a kidder! Why don’t you go and get Cloud, Yuri?”

Yuri: *mutters* “You make me do everything.” *leaves*

Koudelka: “So… You’re looking great, Tifa. You must be due soon.”

Tifa: “July 20th.”

Richter: “I’m expecting to see my son any day now! And we’re going to have a huge Belmont family celebration in his honor!”

Koudelka: “Sounds fun. Have you picked a name yet?”

Tifa: “Well…”

Richter: “The elders are looking at the star charts in order to choose a proper name. After Franswa…well…his name is *Franswa*. We can’t have that again.”

Koudelka: “Well I named my son Halley. …I don’t know what I was thinking.”

(yuri returns with zack and cloud)

Zack: “Hey, Tifa!”

Tifa: “Hi, Zack. How’s Cloud?”

Zack: *sad sigh* “No improvement. I’ve been telling him everything I remember, but…nothing.”

Tifa: “If anyone can help him, you can. Because I know I can’t.”

Zack: “You know I won’t give up on him.”

Cloud: “I went to the mooooooooooooon!”

Tifa: “…We better get him home. Bye, Koudelka!”

Koudelka: “Take care.”

(tifa, richter, cloud and zack leave. koudelka turns to yuri)

Koudelka: “Yuri! You left the others alone??”

Yuri: “What?! It’s not like they’re gonna do anything!”

(Squall comes over)

Squall: “I’m leaving.” *he leaves*

Koudelka: *looks at yuri*

Yuri: “What? I keep forgetting he can talk!”

Koudelka: “Go back and get Rudy and Serge!”

(yuri heaves a sigh but goes.)

Koudelka: “At this rate, why don’t I just run day care?” *pause* “Hmm…”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(cut to that night at the singles mixer. there’s a bunch of people there. serge is sitting in the corner staring off into space. celes and aeris are standing by him)

Celes: “Hi. I’m Celes.”

Aeris: “I’m Aeris.”

Celes: “You’re kinda cute.”

Serge: “………”

Celes: “Uh, what’s your name?”

Serge: “…………”

Celes: *bursts out crying* “Why do all men hate me?!”

(meanwhile…)

Yuri: “I’m glad Nightmare didn’t show up this time.”

Koudelka: “I know. He was just grossing me out.”

Yuri: “Yeah, that and now we don’t have to break up so many fights between the Soul Caliber people.”

Koudelka: “True. Although I think I’m even more grossed out by that guy Voldo.”

Yuri: “Nobody’s body should bend that way.”

Koudelka: “Tell me about it.”

Cid: *comes over* “#!@#@#$#@% %@#$%@#%#@ @#$!@$#!$#@?”

Koudelka: “No. I will not date you. Give it up.”

Cid: “#$@!#%^@&#@%@%@%^&@#$!”

Koudelka: *walks away*

Yuri: *shrug* “Sorry, buddy.”

(with a sad sigh, cid goes back over to barret)

Barret: “Yo, dude. Check it out. I done checked everywhere an old man oughta turn up! I checked da senior center, every store that had a senior discount day, I even went n’ checked the Depends aisle of every grocery store ‘round here! Ain’t no sign of Bug-er-harger or Booger-hanger. Or whatever his damn name is!”

Cid: “#$%^&*@$…”

Barret: “Yo, we gotta find him! We can’t let Cat/rat/moo be right! Dat’s embarassin’!”

Cid: “@$@%@&@*&*##$^@!”

Barret: “Yo, stop mopin’ over that there ‘ho! She don’t know what she’s missin’! Now let’s think a’ where else we can check!”

(meanwhile…)

Zidane: *whines* “I’m not meeting anyone here!”

Algus: “That’s because you reek of poor.”

Zidane: “Shut up, Algus. Maybe they think Kuja’s my girlfriend.”

Kuja: *snort* “I don’t think so. I’m way too good for you.”

Zidane: “Wait! There are some chicks! Hey ladies! I’m rich!” *face falls* “How come they just walk away?”

Algus: “Because you’re desperate and unattractive.”

Kuja: “He’s has a point.”

Zidane: “I’m desperate and unattractive?”

Kuja: “Desperate for sure. As for unattractive, well, you have a sort of boyish charm about you I guess. A bit of bronzer and a good conditioner would do you a lot of good.”

Zidane: “Hmm… Maybe I should pay someone to dress me and help me look good.”

Kuja: “I accept the job. I charge 1,000 bucks an hour.”

Zidane: “Who said I was going to hire you?”

Kuja: “Why would you not? If I can make you look half as fabulous as I am, you’ll be in business, honey.”

Zidane: “All right, you’re hired. Come by my room tomorrow.”

Algus: “I don’t think any amount of help is going to fix you.”

Zidane: “Shut up, Algus. Go get me a drink.”

Algus: *mutters unhappily but goes off*

Kuja: “I’m going to head home and start pouring over my fashion magazines. Ta ta for now.”

(he leaves. bowser comes over, looking dejected)

Bowser: “I don’t know why I keep paying the money to get in here! I’ve got 8 college tuitions to pay, and these girls are only interested in one thing. And it ain’t money!”

Zidane: “I hear ya.”

Bowser: *extends hand* “I’m Bowser. King of Koopas.”

Zidane: *shakes it* “Zidane Tribal. New trillionaire.”

Bowser: “Trillionaire, eh? Looking for any investments? Because I bought into this project, but I just don’t think I can stay in. Like I said, 8 college tuitions.”

Zidane: *lights up* “Investment? I love investments! What is it?”

Bowser: “It’s a brand new cereal company. Called Asbest O’s. It’s pretty good, all sugary and flakey and stuff. I tasted it. It’s gonna be huge.”

Zidane: “Okay! How much?”

Bowser: “Well, it’s not gonna be cheap. I was the only financial backer on this thing. So it’s gonna run ya about 500 million dollars.”

Zidane: “Wow. That’s a lotta money.”

Bowser: “That’s including the land they grow the wheat on and the whole bit. It’s a real complete operation. So what do ya say?”

Zidane: “I’ll take it!”

Bowser: “Great.” *reaches into his pocket* “Just sign this contract and I’ll take your check.”

Zidane: *writing check mutters* “Stupid Algus. I’m a quick learner.” *hands over check and signs contract* “There you go!”

Bowser: *smiles* “Congratulations, investor!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, over at the belmonts…)

Tifa: “I’m going to go for a walk.”

Richter: “Okay, I’ll come with you.”

Trevor: “Richter! The history of vampires show that we petitioned for is coming on in 5 minutes!”

Simon: “After 5 years of letter writing they finally complied one!”

Juste: “It should be exciting!”

Hugh: “I can’t wait!”

Franswa: “I’m gonna go upstairs…”

Richter: “Uh…”

Tifa: “It’s okay. Watch your show. I’ll go by myself.”

Richter: *gasp* “You can’t do that! It’s not safe!”

Tifa: “Not safe?”

Richter: “There are vampires right across the street! And it’s getting dark out! This is prime time for them!”

Tifa: “…I’ll be fine.”

Richter: “No! They’re probably in the bushes just waiting to attack you! You carry the next generation of the Belmont’s!”

Tifa: “…How about I take a jar of holy water with me?”

Trevor: “Richter, the show is coming on!”

Richter: “…All right. But be careful. Don’t approach any suspicious people. Or bats.”

Tifa: “Okay.”

(so she goes out and starts going for a stroll. and she’s walking by alucard’s house when…)

??????: “Hello, Tifa.”

Tifa: *jumps* “Oh! Alucard! You scared me!”

Alucard: “Sorry. That was not my intention.”

Tifa: “It’s okay. How are you?”

Alucard: “I’m doing well. How are you and the baby?”

Tifa: “Oh, I’m fine. The baby’s good. I’m due next month.”

Alucard: “You must be nervous.”

Tifa: “A little.”

Alucard: “Don’t be. Everything will be fine. Belmont children are eager to come out. Trust me. I would know.”

Tifa: “I guess you would, they’ve been chasing you guys forever!”

Alucard: “…Right. So. Have they decided on a name yet?”

Tifa: “Not that I know of.”

Alucard: “They’ve always had a complex system of naming the first born boys. And they rarely have strayed from that.”

Tifa: “They seem to have a complex system for lots of things. I wish they would tell me the name already.”

Alucard: “Duke.”

Tifa: “Excuse me?”

Alucard: “Your son. That’s the name they’ve picked.”

Tifa: “How did you know that?”

Alucard: “Have you seen their family tree book?”

Tifa: “No.”

Alucard: “Well… There’s something missing from it. Your son…all of them…they have stronger blood than they realize.”

Tifa: *blink blink*

Alucard: “Sorry for keeping you. Have a good night.”

(he goes off. tifa stands there looking confused for a moment before continuing on her walk. later, she returns to the belmont house.)

Richter: “You missed a fantastic show, Tifa! Now the word about vampires is out!”

Hugh: “Let’s go take them on right now!”

Simon: “Pipe down, wanna be! The adults are talking!”

Tifa: “Richter… Can I ask you something?”

Richter: “Of course!”

Tifa: “Have they decided on a name for the baby yet?”

Trevor: “We certainly have!”

Juste: “The child’s name will be Duke! Duke Thelonius Belmont!”

Tifa: *eyes widen*

Richter: “What a strong name! Do you like it, Tifa?”

Tifa: *dazed* “Uh…yeah. Yeah, it’s fine.”

Richter: *talking to her stomach* “Mommy and daddy can’t wait to meet you, Duke! And Daddy can’t wait to teach you how to kill vampires!”

Hugh: “…I’d like to be taught…”

Simon: “Shut up, Hugh!”

Tifa: “Uh, Richter. One more thing…do you have a family tree book?”

Richter: “Certainly! I’ve never shown it to you?”

Tifa: “No…”

Richter: “You must see it then!”

(so he drags her upstairs to where they keep the book and flips it open to the back.)

Richter: “Look! They already filled in little Duke’s name!”

Tifa: *blink blink* “Richter… Trevor Belmont was born in 1482?! He’s hundreds of years old!”

Richter: “He looks good, doesn’t he? That’s the Belmont blood in him!”

Tifa: “There’s no father listed for him.”

Richter: “…Strange, I know. But Sonia Belmont was such a strong woman the father doesn’t matter.”

Tifa: *still staring at that blank space* “…Right.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, the mixer is over. zidane and algus are coming inside the room)

Zidane: *sing-song voice* “I invested my money! I invested my money!” *normally* “See! I’m smart!”

Algus: “I see. And what kind of absurd pyramid scheme did you invest in?”

Zidane: “It’s not a pyramid! It’s a cereal company! And everybody likes cereal! You’re just jealous that I’m using your money wisely.”

Algus: “Right.”

Zidane: “You don’t believe me, do you?”

Algus: “Of course. And I’d have to be a fool to.”

Zidane: “Well I’m gonna prove you wrong! You just watch me! I’m gonna put that money to good use!”

 

To Be Continued…

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