#166 – I Still STILL Hate St. Patrick’s Day!

Reno: *snorts* “I don’t think I’ll need teddy bear fashion advice anytime soon. And if I do, shoot me Irvine.”

Originally Published: 3/17/06 . 16 pages

Everyone’s going to Reno and Irvine’s bar for the St. Patrick’s Day party. Will the party be ruined once they run out of booze?

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

Other than the first St. Patrick’s Day ramble, I can kind of take or leave the rest. I do think this one has its charms, though.

(it’s st. patrick’s day in the ramble room again. And you know what that means. Rufus walks into the ramble room with tseng and bryatt, and of course there are reno and irvine, and they are already drinking.)

Reno: “Happy St. Patrick’s day everyone!”

Rufus: *hand to head* “Oh no. Not that stupid holiday again! I’m not giving you the day off!”

Reno: “Too late. You already signed this paper giving us the day off.” *holds up paper*

Rufus: *grabs it* “That’s not my signature! Somebody put a paw print there and signed it Mr. Jingles!”

Irvine: “Yup! Mr. Jingles gave us permission!”

Rufus: “What?! That’s ridiculous!”

Reno: “Sorry, Rufus, but you were unavailable at the time and Mr. Jingles said his word is as good as yours.”

Rufus: “That silly bear! I’m going to go have a few words with him!”

(he stomps off angrily. Everyone watches him go in a bit of shock.)

Irvine: “Wow. I can’t believe he went for it.”

Reno: “Sad isn’t it? And he hasn’t even been drinking.”

Tseng: “Nice one, Reno.” *stretches* “Now I’ve got a day off!”

Bryatt: “You guys always manage to get off on St. Patrick’s day.”

Reno: “Of course! It’s the best holiday of the year!”

Irvine: “We’re having a big party at the bar tonight! You guys should come by!”

Bryatt: “Sounds fun!”

(zidane walks in with algus)

Zidane: “I haven’t gotten a day off in years! One day isn’t going to kill you!”

Algus: “No, but it might kill my shoes. They need polishing! Now hop to it!”

Zidane: “No! You can’t make me!”

Reno: “Hey, Zidane! Come have a drink with us!”

Zidane: *glares at algus* “Yeah! I think I will!”

(he goes over and joins them. Algus does not look happy at all.)

Algus: “Zidane! You get back over here this instant!”

Zidane: *sticks out his tongue*

Algus: “Don’t do that unless you plan to use it!”

Zidane: *blink blink* “Uh…what?”

Algus: “Use it to speak, of course!”

Zidane: *frowns* “Oh. …Well that’s no fun.”

Algus: “You’ll rue this day, slave!”

(and with that he stomps out of the room.)

Irvine: “Way to go, Zidane!”

Reno: “Yeah! You really told him.”

Zidane: “Well I’m sick of eating outdated candy! He keeps giving me Mars Bars!”

Bryatt: “I thought those were discontinued.”

Zidane: “They are!”

Tseng: “Then where is he even getting them from?”

Zidane: “I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure it involves the internet!”

Reno: “Well no worries, man! Today’s St. Patrick’s Day! The day where all troubles disappear!”

Tseng: “I would think all the drinking would cause more troubles.”

Reno: “Yeah, but you’re so drunk you don’t realize them till the next day.”

Irvine: *checks watch* “Hey, man! We better get ready for the yearly parade!”

Reno: “Yeah, man! I almost forgot about that!” *to the others* “You guys want in?”

Bryatt: “I’ll pass.”

Tseng: “No.”

Zidane: “Heck yeah! Public drunkenness rules!”

Reno: “Now you’re talkin’! Okay, let’s go force other people to join us.”

(so irvine, zidane and reno leave. Now tseng and bryatt are alone.)

Tseng: *sigh*

Bryatt: “What’s wrong, Tseng? You still having problems with Reeve?”

Tseng: *sigh* “I guess so. It’s strange.”

Bryatt: “It’s strange?”

Tseng: “Well…” *frowns*

Bryatt: “Tseng, I’m like your best friend! If you can’t talk to me about it–“

Tseng: “Okay, okay!” *sigh* “Well, we really haven’t been having sex a lot lately, but we finally did the other night…and…well…he got all possessive on me.”

Bryatt: “Possessive?”

Tseng: “Yeah. …It was kind of weird. I don’t know why he would do that.”

(before bryatt can answer reno, irvine and zidane return. Rude and zell are with them. Rude is in his pajamas.)

Rude: “…I was asleep.”

Reno: “Dude, our parade is important! It’s a yearly tradition!”

Rude: “I was *asleep*.”

Zell: “Whoo hoo! This St. Patrick’s Day is gonna rock!” *holds up hand* “High five!”

Irvine: “…No.”

Zell: *frowns*

Tseng: “You guys are really going to drunkenly stumble down the street again? That’s not really a parade, you know.”

Reno: “Sure it is!”

(then sephiroth comes in, looking surly as usual)

Everyone: “Happy St. Patrick’s Day!”

Sephiroth: *winces* “Oh god no. Please tell me it’s not that retarded holiday again.”

Reno: “You mean your *favorite* holiday…?”

Sephiroth: “Shut up. That is so five years ago.”

Irvine: “Aw, come on, Sephiroth! You have no sense of humor about anything!”

Sephiroth: “My sense of humor is just fine. You know what I think is funny? The thought of you impaled on the masamune, cowboy geek.” *smile*

Irvine: *glares*

Reno: “Now, now! That’s not the St. Patrick’s Day spirit, everyone!” *puts a hand on irvine’s shoulder* “C’mon, dude. It’s time for the


Rude: “I was *asleep*.”

Reno: “Dude, if I wasn’t the one who woke you up it would have been Shell anyway.”

Rude: “Yeah, but…she might have woken me up with sex.”

Reno: “Dude…no she wouldn’t have.”

Rude: *hangs head* “You’re right.”

Zell: “Hey! There’s no such thing as being depressed on St. Patrick’s Day!”

Reno: “Yeah! See? Zell has the right idea!”

Zell: *holds up hand* “High five?”

Reno: “…Give it up, man.”

Zidane: “Come on! We’re wasting time! Let’s go!”

(and so zell, rude, reno, irvine and zidane leave the room. that leaves sephiroth with tseng and bryatt)

Sephiroth: “They’re wasting space, that’s what they’re wasting.” *sigh* “Another stupid St. Patrick’s Day, another day of stupid jokes

about me and Lark.” *sits down looking grumpy*

(speaking of lark, she enters looking upbeat)

Lark: “Happy St. Patrick’s Day!” *spots sephiroth* “Oh! Especially to you, Sephy.” *laughs*

Sephiroth: *glowers* “Very funny.”

Tseng: “Happy St. Patrick’s Day, Lark.”

Lark: “Where are Reno and Irvine?”

Bryatt: “I believe they’re putting on their yearly parade.”

Lark: “Ugh. Another one? I’d rather watch Mr. Jingles do his one man play again.”

Tseng: “Oh god. At least you didn’t have to sit through all the rehearsals.”

Sephiroth: “This is why I stay away from anything with Rufus’ name attached to it.”

Bryatt: “I don’t even wanna know.”

Lark: “So are you guys coming to the bar tonight? We’re having a big party.”

Tseng: *shrugs* “Sure, why not? It’s not St. Patrick’s Day if you don’t drink.”

Bryatt: “Or at least do something you deeply regret. Right, Sephiroth?”

Sephiroth: “Not funny!”

Lark: “You better come too, Sephy! You have to celebrate your favorite holiday the right way!”

Sephiroth: “You damn well know it’s not my favorite holiday, woman!”

(just then rufus reenters still holding the piece of paper)

Rufus: “Hey, Reno, Mr. Jingles said he was bullied into signing this!” *pause* “Reno?” *frowns* “Where’d that drunk go now?”

Sephiroth: “To parade his idiocy in front of the whole neighborhood.”

Rufus: “Oh.” *pause* “Hey, isn’t this your favorite holiday, Sephiroth?”

Sephiroth: *turning red with anger* “Argh!! No!!”

(then algus reenters looking angry)

Algus: “Where is that useless slave of mine?”

Rufus: “Probably parading his drunk self down the street with my borderline slaves!”

Algus: *huffs* “Well this is just ridiculous! I can’t have him galloping about and tarnishing my good name!”

Tseng: “Algus, don’t you think Zidane is a little old to be your slave now?”

Algus: “Nonsense! He’s a lowly peasant! He should be glad to have it so good!”

Bryatt: “He said you’ve been feeding him discontinued candy.”

Algus: “It’s all he deserves!”

(then shell enters looking annoyed)

Shell: “Have you guys seen Rude?”

Tseng: “Reno and Irvine dragged him outside to do that parade.”

Shell: *annoyed sigh* “Again? He has to buy me a new outfit for the party tonight!”

Rufus: “What party?”

Lark: “There’s a big party tonight down at Uncle Shenanigans.”

Rufus: “Why is this the first I’m hearing about this?”

Tseng: “I don’t know, Rufus. Maybe because they think you’re a party killer.”

Sephiroth: “Or maybe they think you’ll bring your punch.”

Rufus: *frowns* “He~ey! Rufus J. Shinra can party hard with the rest of them! I’ve certainly paid for enough of them! I’m going to that party! And so is Algus!”

Algus: “Me? Rufus, I believe I’m quite above another run of the mill peasant orgy!”

Rufus: “You have to come! You’re my heterosexual male companion!”

Bryatt: “…The word heterosexual is in there but that *still* sounds gay…”

Algus: *sigh* “Fine. I suppose I can accompany you.”

(then reeve comes in)

Reeve: “Tseng! There you are! I’ve been looking all over for you!”

Tseng: “Oh. Sorry, Reeve. I’ve been here the whole time.”

Reeve: “Did anyone see what Reno, Irvine, Rude, Zidane and Zell are doing?”

Everyone: “No.”

Reeve: “Good. Because it involves open bottles of liquor. And lots of broken glass.”

Rufus: “Hey! No one litters on my property and gets away with it!”

(but before he can march outside and scold them, irvine, reno, zidane, zell and rude enter. reno, irvine and zidane are laughing like they’re having a great time. zell is trying to fit in. rude looks bored.)

Reno: “That was the best parade ever!”

Zidane: “Yeah! People actually came out to watch us!”

Lark: “Really?”

Irvine: “Well… There was one guy taking out his trash.”

Reno: “…And that other guy was kinda hiding in the bushes…”

Zidane: “Yeah, I don’t know what was wrong with him.”

Zell: “And the Belmont’s were looking out the window!”

Sephiroth: “They’re always looking out the window.”

Rude: “I was *asleep*.”

Shell: “Rude! I’m glad you’re back! We need to hit the mall right away! I have a fashion emergency!”

Rude: *sigh* “It involves an outfit for the party tonight, doesn’t it.”

Shell: “Yup!” *smile*

Rude: “…And it involves buying stuff that isn’t on sale…doesn’t it.”

Shell: “Rude! You know the good stuff is never on sale! Now let’s go.”

(she drags him out)

Rufus: “Reno! Did you and your team of degenerates leave broken glass around outside?”

Reno: “…No… ……….But I wouldn’t walk around without shoes on anytime soon.”

Rufus: “Argh! You think you’re so cool? Well just wait till you need something from me! Then we’ll see who’s there to help you!”

Reno: *snorts* “I don’t think I’ll need teddy bear fashion advice anytime soon. And if I do, shoot me Irvine.”

Irvine: “You got it, buddy.”

Rufus: “You’ll be sorry! Let’s go, Algus.”

(he leaves and algus glares at zidane before following him out.)

Reno: “Be sorry about what? That I’ll be having a great time tonight partying without him?”

Lark: “Uh…he’s kind of coming now.”

Reno: “…Crap.”


(later at uncle shenanigans, the place is jam packed full of people. everyone from the ramble room is there, and also there are dante, alucard, lloyd, koudelka, yuri and a slew of other people who aren’t important. all of irvine’s brothers are there as well, except for billy bob. behind the bar is lark, austin, irvine and san diego. cal, dallas and houston are walking around serving as waiters. rude is the dj. and reno is walking around doing some of everything. right now he’s up at the dj booth and he takes the microphone to talk)

Reno: “Hey, everybody! Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Is everybody feeling the St. Patrick’s day spirit??”

Everyone: “Yeah!”

Reno: “Great! Well we’ve got the best party in the dimension goin’ on here tonight! If you’re lookin’ for a drink, our bartenders San Diego, Austin, Lark and my man Irvine’ll be more than happy to hook you up! In honor of today bein’ St. Patrick’s day, all green drinks are buy one get one free! Yeah, that’s free booze! If you’re too lazy to walk up to the bar, our waiters Cal, Dallas and Houston will be glad to take your order! And helpin’ you to get your groove on, we got your DJ Rude in the house! The night is young, and we’re open till the last of you stagger out the door! My name is Reno – party on everybody!”

(he gives the mic back to rude and everyone cheers. he then heads back over to the bar where lark, irvine, austin and san diego are very busy making drinks.)

Irvine: “Yo, dude! Help us out! We are *swamped*!”

Lark: “We’re running out of green food coloring…”

Reno: “That’s okay.”

Austin: “We’re runnin’ outta mini tropical umbrellas.”

Reno: “They can do without those.”

San Diego: “We’re running outta vodka!”

Reno: *eyes widen* “What?”

San Diego: *holding an empty bottle upside down* “We’re out.”

Reno: *looks at irvine* “We got more in the back?”

Irvine: *shrugs* “You did the ordering.”

Reno: *hand to his head* “I did?” *eyes widen* “I did! But I ordered a ton!”

Lark: *holding an empty bottle of rum* “You must have underestimated the amount of people!” *pause* “Or the amount of alcoholics.”

Austin: “We’re outta Jack…”

Irvine: “Outta Jack? Dammit, Reno! What’re we gonna do?”

Reno: “We gotta go out and buy more!”

Irvine: “With what money? The bank’s closed!”

Reno: “Uh…the money in the registers!”

Lark: “Um…I’m afraid mostly everyone’s been charging stuff tonight. There’s not enough cash in the drawers to replenish this bar.”

Reno: “We’ll have to hit up the ATM!”

Irvine: “Dude, I don’t have a lot of money in my checking account! Do you?”

Reno: *frowns* “Sh*t! Well do we know anyone who carries large amounts of cash on them at all times?”

?????: “Well, well, well. Look who needs my help after all.”

(irvine and reno look over to where rufus is leaning on the bar, smiling from ear to ear)

Rufus: “Did I hear someone needing someone who carries around a large amount of cash?” *he takes out his wallet which is so full it can barely be closed* “Well? Did I?” *huge grin*

(irvine and reno both stare at the money packed wallet for a moment. but reno frowns and shakes his head)

Reno: “No thanks, Rufus! We’ll solve this one our own way.”

(and with that he jumps onto the bar and whistles to rude. rude looks up and reno makes a motion conveying that he wants the mic back. so rude picks it up and chucks it across the room to reno. catching it, reno turns it on and talks.)

Reno: “Hey, everybody! Is everybody havin’ a good time?”

Everyone: “Yeah!”

Reno: “Cool! Well now we’re gonna really shake things up a bit!”

(and with that he walks along the bar, forcing irvine, lark, austin and san diego up there with him.)

Irvine: *softly* “Dude…what the…?”

Lark: *whispers* “What are you doing, Reno?”

Reno: *covering the mic* “Just trust me!”

Lark: *whispers* “Last time I trusted you my car wound up on the roof!”

(reno just grins at her and faces the bar again.)

Reno: “So, here we have our awesome bartenders! And they’re a pretty good lookin’ group! So if I were you I’d wanna get my lucky St. Patrick’s Day kiss from one of them!”

(there’s a lot of hooting from the bar patrons.)

Reno: *chuckles* “Now don’t try and be dirty now, boys and girls. They’ll kiss you – on the cheek! And for the low, low price of just a buck! Cash only! Everybody form a line now! You don’t wanna be left out!”

Rufus: *grumbles* “That’s the stupidest idea ever.”

(but the crowd seems to like it because everyone quickly forms a line in front of each of the four bartenders. reno grins widely at rufus, which just causes him to scowl more.)

Rufus: “Stupid drunk. Now he thinks he has good ideas!”

Algus: “I’m surprised the alcohol hasn’t killed all his brain cells yet.”

Rufus: “We’re like the only ones not lined up to get a kiss from one of Irvine’s skanky brothers!” *pause* “…And Lark…”

Algus: “Indeed I have no interest.” *looks over to where rufus was but is gone* “…Um…Rufus?”

Rufus: *in the lark line* “It’s just a buck. Even Rude has that much.”

Rude: *still in the dj booth* “…On a good day.”

(so everyone’s in line to get a kiss. there are girls and boys in pretty much every line. including tseng, reeve and bryatt who are in irvine’s line.)

Bryatt: “Why are we in Irvine’s line? He’s straight.”

Tseng: “It’s just on the cheek. And I refuse to get in that skank’s line.”

Bryatt: “…Irvine is a skank.”

Tseng: “No, he’s a man whore. San Diego is the skank.”

San Diego: *waves to reeve* “Come over in my line, honey!”

Reeve: *kind of waves back* “Um… I can’t.”

Tseng: “Damn right you can’t!”

Bryatt: *mumbles* “Reeve’s not the only one who’s possessive…”

(meanwhile, yuri is in lark’s line and koudelka is in austin’s.)

Koudelka: “You sure it was okay to leave those old men alone to come to this party?”

Yuri: “Are you kidding me? There’s a Wheel of Fortune marathon on the Game Show Network. And the other one is drugged outta his mind!”

Koudelka: *shrugs* “I guess you’re right.”

(cid is standing in line behind yuri. he smiles at koudelka. she grimaces and looks away)

Cid: “@#$#$%$#^$#&#*#%@#$#%@^*&*?”

Koudelka: “…Don’t talk to me.”

Cid: *sad sigh*

(meanwhile, zidane is in san diego’s line and lloyd is right behind him)

Lloyd: “You barely have any money! And you’re going to spend it on this?”

Zidane: “Kiss from a hot guy? You bet I am!”

Lloyd: “What?! Aren’t I hot?”

Zidane: *rolls eyes* “Oh my god. Don’t start this again.”

Lloyd: “Am I not enough for you anymore?”

Zidane: “We’re not dating, Vergil. Now knock it off!”

Lloyd: “You’re a jerk!” *pouts*

Zidane: *rolls eyes* “Okay…” *spots algus by himself* “Hey… Look where Algus is standing all by himself! He’s the only one in the place not in a line!” *pause* “You know, I always thought there was something weird about him…”

Lloyd: “You’re weird!”

Zidane: “Oh shut up, Lloyd!”

Lloyd: “It’s VERGIL! You dickweed!”

(meanwhile…sephiroth is in lark’s line, while dante and alucard are in irvine’s line. vincent and auron are also in lark’s line, a few people behind sephiroth. Brady is right in front of sephiroth in lark’s line)

Sephiroth: “I can’t believe you guys are in cowboy geek’s line. You know he’s probably diseased. …Not that that’s a problem for you, Dante.”

Dante: “…Oh. Wow. Was that supposed to hurt my feelings? Because it didn’t.”

Sephiroth: *glares* “Don’t you ever get cold walking around with an unbuttoned shirt all the time?”

Dante: “No. Because I’m smokin’ hot.” *grins*

Sephiroth: *rolls eyes* “Oh please.”

Alucard: “Knock it off. This is supposed to be a party.”

Sephiroth: “Supposed to be. But plenty of old people showed up.” *points behind him to auron and vincent*

Auron: “I can see you.”

Sephiroth: “You were supposed to.”

Auron: “We may be older, but we’re also wiser.”

Sephiroth: “You may think so, but Alucard’s older than the earth we’re standing on and he’s still stupid enough to be dating that diseased trash.”

Alucard: “And you wonder why no one will date you.”

Sephiroth: “Excuse me?”

Alucard: “You heard me. No one’s impressed by you, Sephiroth.”

(sephiroth says nothing. he just glares back. everyone’s getting to the front of their lines now, and there’s not many people left. Brady gets up to lark)

Brady: “Hey, baby.”

Lark: “Hey!”

Brady: “Here’s my dollar. I guess it’s for a good cause.”

Lark: *laughs* “Well that and I can give *you* a kiss on the lips.”

(she takes his money and kisses him on the lips. sephiroth glares. when she and Brady pull apart he pushes Brady aside and slaps his dollar in her hand.)

Sephiroth: “Me next!”

Lark: *grins* “Okay, Sephy. It is your favorite holiday after all.”

Sephiroth: “Not funny, woman!”

(she leans forward to kiss him on the cheek, but at the last moment he turns his head and she winds up kissing him on the lips. she looks shocked and quickly draws away)

Brady: “Hey!”

Sephiroth: “…Oops.”

Lark: *frowns* “You did that on purpose!”

Sephiroth: “No I didn’t! I thought I heard someone calling me!”

Lark: “You did that on purpose and you know it!”

Sephiroth: “Well…who could blame me? And besides, shouldn’t I be allowed a little nostalgia on my favorite holiday?”

Lark: *sigh* “Fine. I’ll let you slide just this once. But don’t pull that again!”

(sephiroth kind of grins at Brady and moves aside. Brady glares back at him. meanwhile, behind the bar, reno is counting the cash.)

Reno: “We’ve got enough!”

Irvine: “Good! Cause I’ve kissed a lot of dudes on the cheek tonight!”

Reno: “Consider yourself lucky, Irvine.” *picks up mic and turns it on to talk* “I just wanna take a moment to thank everybody for their participation! Now we’ve got enough cash to party well into the morning!”

(everybody cheers. reno turns off the mic, takes the money and gives it to austin, who runs out the door with cal and dallas to buy more booze. rufus comes over)

Rufus: “I have to hand it to you, Reno. You think well on your feet.”

Reno: *shrugs* “Well when you gotta lie as much as I do you get kind of good at pulling stuff out of your ass.”

Rufus: *frowns* “Like the time you told me you couldn’t come into work because you were kidnapped and held for ransom by a bunch of nomad eskimos?”

Reno: *pales* “Uh…no. That really happened.”

(Brady goes over to lark)

Brady: “How could you let him get away with that?”

Lark: “Huh?”

Brady: “Sephiroth!”

Lark: “Oh!” *shrugs* “He didn’t mean anything by it. We just hooked up on St. Patrick’s day, so, you know. That’s what he meant.”

Brady: *frowns*

Lark: *thoughtfully* “Wow. That was five years ago. Time does fly, doesn’t it. Everything’s so different now.”

(Brady looks across the room where sephiroth’s standing with alucard and dante but is looking across the room at lark. Brady looks angry)

Brady: “Yeah. Real different.”


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