Hanpan: “Hey… What’s this burning?!” *looks at himself under the covers* “What did you do to me, bitch?!”

Originally Published: 3/10/06 . 11 pages

Synopsis
Rudy’s riding high in the saddle during the old west…kind of.

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

This bit of insanity was kicking around for awhile – I wish I came up with the line quoted above because I laughed for like 20 minutes when I first heard it. This ramble says a lot about what Rudy thinks of himself…and those around him.

(there’s a small town that looks like a town from the old west. No one’s outside. Suddenly 3 people come riding up. 2 are riding on horses. 1 is riding on a person’s back but the person is galloping like a horse. As they get closer it’s cecilia, jack – with hanpan – and rudy…who’s riding on serge’s back.)

Rudy: “Well! This town certainly looks deserted!”

Jack: “Oh, Rudy! You’re sooooooo observant and smart!”

Cecilia: “Tee hee! I love you, Rudy!”

Rudy: “I sense trouble afoot!”

Jack: “You’re probably right, Rudy! You’re always right!”

Cecilia: “Tee hee! I love you, Rudy!”

Rudy: “We should have a look around, see what’s going on, and save the day!!”

Jack: “Yeah, Rudy! That’s a great plan!”

Cecilia: “Tee hee! I love you, Rudy!”

(so they tie up their horses…and person…and go inside the saloon. It’s pretty empty. There’s a guy who looks like squall behind the bar, two girls up front who look like koudelka and scarlet, and one guy sitting in a chair who looks like yuri)

Rudy: “I’ve arrived!”

Jack: “Rudy’ll save the day!”

Cecilia: “Yay! Go Rudy!”

Yuri: “Hey! Who do you think you are? I’m the sheriff round these parts! So you better not go makin’ any trouble in my town!”

Rudy: “I’m Rudy! I don’t make trouble! I solve it!”

Jack: “Rudy’s great!”

Cecilia: “I love Rudy!”

Rudy: “You got any problems in this town that need solvin’?”

Hanpan: *walking in* “It’s hot out there! Ooooh chicks!” *grins*

Jack: “You stupid mouse! You interrupted Rudy!”

Cecilia: “Yeah! Let Rudy talk!”

Hanpan: *rolls eyes* “Whatever. I’m gonna talk to the chicks.”

Jack: “Go on, Rudy!”

Rudy: “Of course! Anyway, like I was saying… You got any problems in this town that need solving?”

Yuri: “No! I’m the sheriff! I’ll solve any problems myself!”

Squall: “You-don’t-do-anything-but-sit-your-ass-in-that-chair-you-lazy-good-for-nothing!!”

Yuri: “Whoa! Slow down! Do you always gotta talk that fast? I don’t understand you!”

Squall: “So-you-strangers-gonna-have-a-drink-or-what?”

Rudy: “Well…”

Squall: “Well? Are-ya? Yes-or-no? No-or-yes? Are-you-gonna-or-not? Make-up-your-mind! You–“

Rudy: “Shut up! I’m Rudy! I don’t have time to listen to you ramble on!”

Jack: “You tell him, Rudy!”

Cecilia: “Yeah!”

Squall: “You-wanna-be-a-smart-guy-huh? Huh? Huh? Well-then-I-won’t-tell-you-about-the-problem-we’ve-got-in-this-town! I-won’t! Ya-hear-me? I-won’t! I–“

Rudy: “Problem?! What problem!? Tell me this problem right now!”

Squall: *shifty eyes* “Well…” *quietly* “There’s-this-no-good-cattle-rancher-who-thinks-he’s-so-cool! ‘Cause-our-sheriff-is-a-lazy-bum-he-pretty-much-runs-the-whole-town!”

Yuri: *downing the rest of his drink* “I’m not drunk yet!”

Rudy: *thoughtfully* “No good cattle rancher, eh?” *lightbulb* “This sounds like a job for Rudy!”

Jack and Cecilia: “Yay, Rudy!”

Yuri: “Look, pal – will you and your cheerleading squad hit the road? I’m trying to watch these dancing girls!”

Koudelka: “We’re not dancing again till you tip us.”

Scarlet: “And you still haven’t paid me for the other night!”

Hanpan: “Don’t worry about him, ladies. Hanpan’s got plenty of money for both of you.” *grin*

Rudy: “Where does this no good cattle rancher live?”

Squall: “Lives-in-the-ranch-just-outside-of-town. Real-big-ranch. Real-big. It’s-really-big. Like-really-really-big. Like-so-big–“

Rudy: “Okay, that’s enough. We’ll be on our way now.” *declares* “Let’s go!”

Jack: “Whatever you say, Rudy!”

Cecilia: “I love you, Rudy!”

(rudy and cecilia start to leave. Jack stops in the doorway and looks back at hanpan)

Jack: “Hanpan! You heard Rudy! We’re leaving!”

Hanpan: “I’m talking to these chicks! Come back for me later!”

Jack: “Fine, but if you get into any trouble, I’m not bailing you out again!”

(he leaves. Hanpan turns to scarlet.)

Hanpan: “So… How much do you charge an hour…?”

(the gang goes outside and goes back over to their horses…and person.)

Jack: “So what’s your brilliant plan, Rudy!”

Rudy: “We’re going to go over to that ranch and tell that no good cattle rancher that he’s not the boss of this town!”

Jack: “That’s a great plan, Rudy!”

Cecilia: “You’re so smart, Rudy!”

Rudy: “Saddle up! Let’s go.”

(jack and cecilia get on their horses and rudy gets on serge’s back. Rudy takes hold on the reins and jerks them)

Rudy: “Giddy-up!”

Serge: *neighs*

(serge starts off galloping away and the other horses follow. They go to up to the ranch and go up to where the house is. There sephiroth is sitting on the front porch, sipping a drink of some kind. Cloud is there as well. He’s wearing a tattered dress and is unhappily sweeping the porch. The gang, on their horses…and person, stop in front of the house)

Rudy: “Ahoy there! Are you the no good cattle rancher?”

Sephiroth: “Get off my property!”

Jack: “Hey! You can’t speak to him that way! He’s *Rudy*!”

Cecilia: “Yeah! He’s *Rudy*!”

Sephiroth: “So what? Does he own a huge, bigger than huge, hugey huge cattle ranch?”

Rudy: “…No.”

Sephiroth: “Then I don’t care!”

(he gets up and goes inside. Cloud keeps standing there staring at them)

Cecilia: “He was mean to you, Rudy!”

Jack: “No one gets away with that! Let’s burn his huge, hugey huge ranch down!”

Rudy: “No wait! Just hold on a minute! Let’s not do anything drastic! We need a plan!”

Jack: “Yeah! Think of a great plan, Rudy!”

Cecilia: “Yeah, Rudy!”

Rudy: *thoughtfully* “Hmmm…” *sees cloud* “What’s your name, young lady?”

Cloud: “Um, I’m actually a boy. And my name is Cloud.”

Rudy: “Well, Cloud, what are you doing here with that no good cattle rancher?”

Cloud: “He keeps me as his slave! You have to help me!”

Rudy: “Slave, eh? Hmm… Last time I checked being a slave was a bad thing…”

Cloud: *tiny voice* “He beats me with a stick at night.”

Rudy: *declares* “We have to do something about this!”

Cloud: *tiny voice* “It’s a really big stick…”

Jack: “What are we going to do, Rudy?”

Cloud: *tiny voice* “…I think it has thorns on it…”

Cecilia: “Tell us your great plan, Rudy!”

Cloud: *tiny voice* “…I don’t know where he got a stick with thorns on it…”

Rudy: “Well, I say we–“

(but before he can finish the sentence sephiroth comes back outside, wielding a giant stick with thorns on it)

Sephiroth: “I said get off my property!”

Rudy, Jack and Cecilia: *scream*

(they quickly kick their horses…and person…into gear and they take off back towards the town)

Rudy: “We’ll regroup in town and then take on my plan!”

Jack: “Your plans are the best, Rudy!”

Cecilia: “I love you, Rudy!”

(then all off the sudden there’s thunder and it starts to rain. Only it’s not raining water. It’s raining celery)

Rudy: “Darn. It’s raining again.”

Jack: *covering head* “This stuff hurts!”

Cecilia: “Boo rain! Go away! Come again another day!”

Rudy: “Let’s go back to that saloon until it stops.”

Jack: “Great idea, Rudy!”

Cecilia: “Yeah, Rudy! You rock!”

(meanwhile, back at the saloon, hanpan and scarlet went upstairs together. They’re sitting in bed, naked and smoking cigarettes. Ew. Gross, right)

Hanpan: “Yeah. Now that’s what I call a good time.” *smiles*

Scarlet: “I’ll take my money now.”

Hanpan: “Sure, baby. I left it on the table.”

(scarlet gets out of bed and gets the money. Then she quickly starts to get dressed. As she’s almost done getting dressed, the smile slowly starts to fade off hanpan’s face until he’s frowning)

Hanpan: “Hey… What’s this burning?!” *looks at himself under the covers* “What did you do to me, bitch?!”

Scarlet: *takes off running*

Hanpan: “Hey!! Hey!! Come back here!”

(he chases her downstairs where rudy, jack and cecilia have just walked in. squall is still behind the bar. Yuri is still sitting there and koudelka is sitting by the bar looking bored. Scarlet runs outside.)

Hanpan: *chasing her* “Get back here, you whore!”

(he stops in the doorway. She’s gone)

Jack: “What’s going on, Hanpan?”

Hanpan: “She diseased me! Now it’s gonna burn when I pee!”

Jack: “I told you to stop screwing around with sleazy hookers!”

Cecilia: “Yeah! Why can’t you be more like Rudy?”

Rudy: “We need to think of a plan!”

Jack: “Yes! A plan!” *pause* “Didn’t you already think of a plan?”

Cecilia: *dippy grin* “Yay! Rudy’s so smart!”

Yuri: “Bring me another beer, wench!”

Koudelka: “No. No more drinks until you tip.”

Yuri: “I did tip you!”

Koudelka: “A slap on the ass is not a tip!”

Squall: “Did-you-go-up-there-and-see-that-no-good-cattle-rancher? Did-you? Did-you-go? Did-you-see-him? Did-you? Did-you? Did-you?”

Everyone: “OMG! SHUT UP!”

Rudy: “Followers! Huddle! I have a plan to tell you!”

(so rudy, jack and cecilia all huddle together and talk quietly for a few moments. When they break apart all of them are smiling widely)

Jack: “That’s the greatest plan in the whole wide world, Rudy!”

Cecilia: “You’re a genius, Rudy!”

Rudy: “Let’s go!”

Jack and Cecilia: “Yeah!”

(they go outside. It’s stopped raining, so they mount their horses…and person, and head back up to the ranch. Cloud is now outside mopping where he was previously sweeping. Sephiroth isn’t around)

Cloud: “You came back for me!”

Rudy: “I thought of a plan!”

Jack: “Rudy’s so smart!”

Cecilia: “Yeah! Go Rudy!”

Rudy: “I require a bucket!”

(cloud hands him the bucket he has)

Cloud: “Okay…”

Rudy: “And rope!”

Cloud: “…I don’t have any rope.”

Jack: “I’ll gladly give you my rope, Rudy!”

Cecilia: *frowns* “I wish I had rope to give Rudy.”

Rudy: *holding bucket and rope* “Okay. Time for my incredible plan.”

Jack and Cecilia: “Go Rudy!”

(rudy takes the rope and the bucket full of water over to the door. He suspends the bucket above the door and then fixes the rope so that the bucket will tip and dump water on the first person that opens it. When he’s done he brushes his hands off)

Rudy: “This’ll run that no good cattle rancher right outta town!”

Jack: “You’re the best, Rudy!”

Cecilia: “You’re a dream come true, Rudy!”

(rudy then knocks on the door and runs back to join the others. They can hear sephiroth grumbling angry things behind the door. Then suddenly it opens, he steps out, and the water falls on his head. Sephiroth falls to the ground in shock, his head soaking wet as everyone laughs)

Sephiroth: “My hair! My hair! My beautiful hair! What will become of it now?!” *frowns* “Fine! You get your wish! I’ll leave town! Maybe I’ll become a great guy who owns a lot of cats or a good farmer! Thank you for showing me the error of my ways!”

Rudy: “Yipee!”

Jack and Cecilia: “Hooray for Rudy!”

Cloud: *runs to rudy* “You saved me!”

Rudy: “You’re free now, young damsel!”

(he grabs cloud, dips him back and kisses him hard. Cloud stands back up looking dazed)

Cloud: “Um… I’m a boy.”

Rudy: “Now come join me on my horse and we’ll ride off into the sunset together towards a new adventure!”

Serge: *neighs*

Cloud: “Uh, okay.”

Rudy: “But first we have to head back to town and tell off that good for nothing sheriff and pick up that diseased rat.”

Jack: “He’s a wind mouse.”

Cecilia: “Don’t correct, Rudy!”

Jack: *hangs head* “I’m sorry.”

Rudy: “It’s okay. You’re only a puny human. Now let’s go!”

(he lifts cloud onto serge’s back and then hops on himself. Then the three of them ride back to town and go into the saloon. No one there has moved much, except for hanpan, who’s standing there waiting for them)

Hanpan: “You left me here! I’m sick from that hooker I shouldn’t have slept with, and you just left me here!”

Rudy: *ignores him* “That no good cattle rancher will bother you no more!”

Jack: “Rudy fixed your problem!”

Cecilia: “Rudy always saves the day.”

Squall: “Wow! That’s-awesome! That’s-great! That’s-totally-great! That’s-amazingly-awesomely-great!”

Rudy: “I know.”

Yuri: *slurs* “Big deal! I coulda done that!”

Koudelka: “You can’t even get up off your chair without falling on your face!”

Yuri: “Sure I can!” *gets up and falls on face* “Hey… Who put the floor there?”

Rudy: “Now it’s time to celebrate.” *eyes grow wide and he speaks like he’s in a trance* “…Let’s take a trip to the circus.”

Jack and Cecilia: *trancelike* “Yes. Let’s go to the circus.”

Yuri: “Koudelka. …Koudelka. …Koudelka! …KOUDELKA!”

(suddenly there’s koudelka standing behind the two way mirror looking into the rpg main character syndrome group. She’s staring at rudy, who’s sitting there humming to himself as usual. The rest of the group sits there doing nothing. Next to her is yuri, who looks really annoyed. Slowly she takes her eyes away from rudy and looks at yuri, looking very confused)

Yuri: “Koudelka! Finally! I’ve been calling you for like a minute! Where the hell were you?”

(koudelka looks back at rudy, who still sits there looking dazed and humming to himself)

Koudelka: “…I don’t know…”

THE END