#167 – Asexual Algus

Seifer: “Asexual? Don’t they reproduce with spores or something?”

Originally Published: 3/22/06 . 28 pages

Synopsis
Zidane is convinced Algus is asexual, but can he manage to prove it?

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

I’m particularly fond of this ramble – I had been silently pondering Algus’ sexuality situation for awhile before realizing he didn’t have one, so I decided to write a ramble about it. Zidane shines in this ramble, although Seifer’s lines of cluelessness kind of steal the show. I also enjoy all the spying that goes on in this one.

(zidane and algus are alone in the tv room. Zidane is sitting on the end of the couch looking quite bored. This is because algus has the tv on some financial channel and there’s some guy babbling on about boring stuff while stock quotes scroll by at the bottom of the screen. Algus isn’t even paying attention to the tv because he’s looking at the business section of the newspaper. There’s a bowl of pretzels on the table at the opposite end from where zidane sits)

Zidane: “I’m bored.”

Algus: “I told you not to speak unless you were on fire.”

Zidane: “Even if I was on fire it wouldn’t make a difference.”

Algus: “Not at this rate.”

Zidane: *sigh* “Why are you reading the stock pages and watching it on TV? You don’t need to do both!”

Algus: “Clearly you have no grasp on money. This is why you can’t have any. Now get me a pretzel.”

Zidane: “What? No! You’re closer! All you have to do is reach forward and grab them!”

Algus: “I can, but I choose not to. This is why I have a slave. Now get it.”

Zidane: *frowns* “Fine! You wanna be lazy? Well I can be lazy too!”

(and so instead of getting up to grab the bowl he instead gets on his knees and leans across algus’ lap, stretching out his arm to try and get the bowl. Algus puts down his paper in annoyance but otherwise says nothing. Instead he just watches as zidane tries to stretch just a little more to get the bowl. Finally he manages to get a fingertip or two on it but he slips and the bowl and all the pretzels end up on the floor. Zidane ends up in algus’ lap. Algus still says nothing. Zidane stares up at algus’ face and algus looks back at him and a second later zidane reaches up and kisses algus for a good 10 seconds. When they part, zidane looks shocked at his own actions and he quickly prepares himself for the worst. But algus simply sighs)

Algus: “Zidane, now look what you’ve done, you clumsy oaf. Go fetch a vacuum to clean that up.”

Zidane: *totally confused* “Uh…okay.”

(looking like he’s in a trance, zidane gets up and walks to the doorway. He then turns back to look at algus again, but algus has just picked up the paper again. Zidane shakes his head but still looks dazed. He walks out towards the ramble room, and he’s so out of it he nearly bumps into lark and zell who are walking together)

Zell: “Whoa! Watch it, buddy!”

Zidane: “Huh? Oh. Sorry.”

Lark: *frowns* “You okay, Zidane? You look totally out of it.”

Zidane: “Huh?” *shakes head again* “Sorry. I guess I am.” *pause* “I just kissed Algus.”

Zell and Lark: “WHAT?!”

Lark: “You kissed *Algus*?!”

Zell: “Did he slug you in the face or something?!”

Zidane: *shakes head slowly* “No… He didn’t say anything about it at all…”

Lark: *blink blink* “He didn’t?”

Zell: “…I would think he’d punch you. Or at least scream. That’s what Rufus used to do.”

Lark: *hesitantly* “…Did he kiss you back?”

Zidane: “…Not really. But he didn’t try and push me away.”

Zell: *rubs the back of his neck* “Weird.”

Lark: “Yeah.”

Zidane: “Yeah…”

(he wanders off still looking dazed. Lark and zell watch him go and then they look at each other)

Zell: “What do ya think that’s about, Lark?”

Lark: *shrugs* “Beats me. I don’t know what most of the stuff around here’s about.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(later that day, lark, zell, shell, rude, tseng and Ashley are sitting in the ramble room playing trivial pursuit)

Ashley: *sigh* “All right. Here’s your question for the win. As this Queen’s chief advisor, Lord Burghley fought Catholics, the Armada, and Mary, Queen of Scots.”

Zell: “I know this one! Queen Elizabeth I!”

Ashley: “Yeah.”

Lark and Zell: “Whoo hoo!”

Zell: *holds hand up* “High five?”

Lark: “I’m not Irvine.”

Zell: *frowns and puts hand down*

Lark: “You’re the best partner at this game, Zell! Well, except for Reeve. But he’s a genius.”

Tseng: *sigh* “And I’m an idiot.”

Ashley: “No you’re not! We did really well! Especially at the entertainment and sports questions!”

Tseng: “So what? I couldn’t answer a science question to save my life.”

Shell: “We did okay, Rude. But not good enough.”

Rude: “I’ll try harder, Shell.”

(seifer enters)

Seifer: “Are you guys done with your dumb game for idiots yet?”

Ashley: “If anyone was playing the ‘dumb game for idiots’ it was you, Seifer. You fled from the room at the mere mention of this game.”

Seifer: “I had stuff to do!”

Ashley: “Sure you did.”

(then zidane enters)

Zidane: “I figured it out!”

Tseng: “Figured out what? That being Algus’ slave is the stupidest thing you can possibly do?”

Zidane: “…No. But it does involve Algus!”

Zell: “I still can’t believe you kissed him!”

Shell, Ashley, Seifer and Tseng: “You kissed him?!”

Rude: “…Whoa.”

Zidane: “Yeah. And he didn’t smack me!”

Ashley: “Really?”

Shell: “Wow.”

Tseng: “Rufus would have.”

Zell: “That’s what I said!”

Zidane: “So anyway, like I was saying, I figured it out – Algus is asexual!”

Everyone: *blink blink*

Zell: “What?”

Zidane: “He’s asexual! That’s the only way to explain it!”

Seifer: “Asexual? Don’t they reproduce with spores or something?”

Ashley: *hits herself in the head* “…I’m *so* glad you weren’t on my team.”

Lark: “Asexual means he has no sexual preference. He’s not straight or gay or anything. He’s just totally neutral.”

Seifer: “He’s neutered?! Like a dog?!”

Ashley: “No! Neutral, you idiot! As in he doesn’t pick sides!”

Shell: “Asexual, huh? Now we’ve got at least one of everything.”

Tseng: “What makes you think he’s asexual?”

Zidane: “Well, first of all, when I kissed him, no response at all. He didn’t seem to like it, but he didn’t seem to hate it either.”

Zell: “No punching.”

Zidane: “Right. And he almost never talks about how he thinks anyone’s attractive. Most of the time, if he does, it’s only because someone says something to him about it first. And on the rare occasion that he makes a comment about it, it’s like something a straight girl says if she says she thinks another girl is beautiful.”

Ashley: “So it’s like just a passing comment. No staring.”

Zidane: “Exactly!”

Seifer: “How do you know all this?!”

Zidane: “I’m his slave! I’m around him all the time.”

Lark: “Well… I guess that makes sense.”

Zidane: “Of course it makes sense! And I’m going to prove it!”

Tseng: “How are you going to do that?”

Zidane: “I have a three step plan in mind.”

Algus’ voice: “Zidane! Where’s my muffin!?”

Zidane: *calls* “Coming!” *to everyone* “Here goes step one!”

(he runs off. Everyone in the room is quiet for awhile)

Seifer: “…So do asexual people have both sets or what?”

Ashley: *head in her hands* “I give up.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(sometime later algus is relaxing on the bed in his room reading some other financial paper. Zidane walks in holding a dvd)

Zidane: “Hey, Algus. I rented a movie I thought you might like.”

Algus: *puts down paper* “Really now.” *looks suspicious* “And why would you do something like that for me?”

Zidane: “Why not? I’m your loyal slave!”

Algus: *snort* “Loyal indeed. What movie is it?”

Zidane: “It’s Romeo+Juliet. You know, the newish one with Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes. They use Shakespeare’s words in a modern setting. It’s like a best of both worlds kinda thing.”

Algus: *raises eyebrow* “Really, now. When you said you picked out a film I thought it would be something with ‘Fast’ and ‘Furious’ in the title. Very well, put it in.”

(so zidane goes over and puts the dvd in. he loads up the movie, shuts off the light and then goes and sits next to algus on the bed. Neither speaks, they just watch the movie for a good half an hour or so. Then…)

Zidane: “That Claire Danes is pretty, don’t you think?”

Algus: “That girl there? …Yes, I suppose she’s quite easy on the eyes.”

(zidane smiles a little. Then there’s quiet for another few minutes)

Zidane: “…What about Leonardo DiCaprio? He’s pretty hot.”

Algus: *pause* “…Yes. He is a fine looking young man, I suppose.”

(there’s another pause. Then)

Zidane: “…So if you got to do one of them, which would you pick?”

Algus: “ExCUSE me?! Where do you get the gall to ask me that question? I am not one of your school yard chums! Now go busy yourself elsewhere! I’ll watch the rest of this myself!”

(zidane doesn’t look too upset to be sent away. He gets up and saunters out of the room with a smile)

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, in the ramble room, it seems the gang is now playing taboo. On one team is lark, sephiroth, tseng, Ashley, shell and rude. On the other is zell, seifer, squall, irvine and reno. seifer is up and is reading off the card. Shell is behind him with the buzzer…)

Seifer: “Uh…you can use this to see your reflection–“

Shell: *hits buzzer* “You said reflection.”

Seifer: “Dammit!” *goes to next card* “Uh…you can swim–“

Shell: *hits buzzer* “You can’t say swim.”

Zell: “Dammit, Seifer! You suck at this!”

Seifer: “Shut up, chicken wuss!” *next card* “Uh, this is red–“

Shell: *hits buzzer* “Can’t say red.”

Seifer: “Dammit!”

Zell: “You’re an idiot, Seifer!”

Ashley: “Time’s up anyway.”

Zell: “Our team sucks!”

Squall: “Whatever.”

Reno: “This game would be more fun if you got to drink every time someone hit the buzzer.”

Irvine: “Yeah. Especially with our team. We’d get drunk in a hurry.”

Lark: *looking at score* “Looks like our team wins!”

Seifer: “Well big surprise! You’ve got more people! And you’ve played this before.”

Zell: “Yeah! And you don’t have Seifer!”

Seifer: “Shut your mouth, chicken wuss, or I’ll shut it for you!”

Zell: “I’d like to see you try!”

Sephiroth: “Shut up. You’re both immature.”

Tseng: “Yeah. You’re one to talk about immaturity.”

Sephiroth: “You bet I am!”

(then zidane enters, grinning)

Zidane: “Hey, everybody!”

Lark: “Hey, Zidane. Too bad you didn’t come around earlier! You just missed a great game of Taboo!”

Seifer: “Yeah! Great for Lark’s team!”

Zell: “Yeah, dude! You could have been on our team! Seifer’s useless!”

Seifer: “You’re useless!”

Zidane: “Sorry, guys. I was watching a movie with Algus.”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, I heard you kissed him. And now you think he’s asexual.”

Zidane: “Yup! And phase one of the plan is over!”

Irvine: “What was phase one?”

Zidane: “Well, I put on a movie that had a hot guy and a hot girl in it–“

Reno: “What movie?”

Zidane: “Romeo+Juliet. You know, the newish one with Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes.”

Reno: “Oh.” *frowns* “Too much talking in that.”

Irvine: “Yeah, man! You should have put on that movie…uh…I don’t remember the title but that chick Jessica Alba is in it and she wears like a bikini the whole time. She’s hot.”

Zidane: “…This is Algus here. He’s not going to watch a movie just because Jessica Alba is wearing a bikini in it.”

Irvine: “His loss, man. Because she is hot!”

Reno: “Damn straight!” *they high five*

Zidane: “Anyway, I put it on and then I asked him if he thought Claire Danes was hot. And he gave me his usual, ‘Oh, I suppose’ answer. Then I waited and I did the same thing with DiCaprio. And he gave me the same stupid answer. So then I asked him if he had to do one of them, which one would he do and–“

Sephiroth: “Wait a minute. You asked Algus if he had to *do* one of them? Are those the exact words you used?”

Zidane: “Yeah… Why?”

Sephiroth: *shakes head* “Nothing. Please continue your pointless story.”

Zidane: “Okay. So anyway, I asked him that, and then he got all mad and told me to leave!”

Everyone: “………”

Ashley: “Okay…”

Tseng: “…And what does that prove?”

Zidane: “Don’t you see?! He didn’t want to pick! That’s why he asked me to leave!”

Sephiroth: “Maybe he just thought you were being annoying for asking him stupid questions and talking during the movie!”

Zidane: *frowns* “No…”

Lark: “Yeah, Zidane… I’m sorry, but I just don’t think that *proves* anything.”

Zidane: *still frowning* “Really? You all think that?”

Shell: “Yeah.”

Rude: *shrugs*

Zell: “I guess.”

Seifer: “I still don’t really understand what you’re talking about.”

Squall: “Whatever.”

Zidane: “…Well that’s fine. I’m just going on to plan two anyway!” *grins* “That’s my favorite part of the plan!”

Tseng: “You’re going to force yourself on Algus again. Aren’t you.”

Zidane: *grins* “You bet!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(so zidane waits until the next day for phase two of his plan. This time algus is in front of a mirror in his room, modeling a new cape. Zidane is lounging on the bed in the background, looking a bit bored.)

Algus: “I look quite distinguished in this…” *models it some more* “Don’t you agree, Zidane?”

Zidane: *not even looking* “Uh-huh.”

Algus: “Come over here and untie this for me.”

Zidane: *heavy sigh* “Fine.”

(he comes over and stands in front of algus. Now, because zidane has grown, they’re basically the same height. Zidane starts to untie the cape and he’s watching algus’ face. Algus is looking over zidane’s shoulder, looking at himself in the mirror)

Algus: “You think my hair is blonde enough? I’ve heard of a substance you can put in it to make it lighter.”

Zidane: “You’re hot just the way you are.”

Algus: *looks at zidane* “Excuse me?”

(and zidane decides that this is the moment because then he reaches up and kisses algus again. Algus just looks shocked but doesn’t respond in any way. Zidane kisses him for a good long time before finally pulling away with a grin.)

Algus: *is stunned*

Zidane: *still grinning*

Algus: *stammers* “W-W-What was the meaning of that?!”

Zidane: “Why? Did you hate it?”

Algus: “Of course! You’re a peasant! That is revolting! This is the second time you’ve done this! Don’t kiss me again!” *makes a disgusted face* “Ugh. I must *purge* my mouth now. Make yourself scarce!”

(he goes into the bathroom. Zidane looks disappointed but he does leave. He goes into the ramble room where tseng, sephiroth, and lark are playing boggle. He enters just as the timer goes off)

Tseng: *frowns* “I stink at this game. I barely got any words!”

Lark: “Me too. I stink at word games for some reason.”

Sephiroth: “Then why are we playing this?”

Lark: “…I don’t know…”

Zidane: *sighs and flops on the couch* “Hey, guys.”

Lark: “Hey, Z…what’s wrong?”

Zidane: “My plan isn’t working.”

Sephiroth: “There’s a shock.”

Tseng: “What happened?”

Zidane: “I kissed Algus again.”

Lark: “Still nothing?”

Zidane: “Worse. He freaked out on me.”

Tseng: “Oh. Well, maybe you were wrong about him.”

Zidane: “No! Not because I was a guy! Because I’m a ‘peasant’!” *sad sigh* “I’m going to need outside help.”

Lark: “Well maybe we can help you!”

Sephiroth: “Don’t look at me, woman! I’m not getting involved in this stupid plan!”

Zidane: “C’mon, Sephiroth! I need a guy to kiss Algus who he actually respects!”

Sephiroth: “Count me out! I’m not whoring myself out for your curiosity.”

Tseng: “Well I’m taken *and* I don’t think he respects me.”

Zidane: *sigh* “I don’t think I could get Rufus drunk enough to do it.”

Lark: “Everyone else he respects is either straight or taken.” *looks at sephiroth*

Sephiroth: “Stop looking at me, because I’m *not* doing it!”

Zidane: *sigh* “Well who else is there?”

Lark: “Well…does he respect anyone outside the ramble room?”

Zidane: *shrugs* “I dunno. The Belmont’s. But that won’t work.”

Tseng: “What about Franswa?”

Zidane: “Franswa? Oh please! He won’t do it!”

Tseng: “Why not?”

Zidane: “Because the kid’s a pansy!”

Lark: “Isn’t he older than you?”

Zidane: “Yeah, but that doesn’t stop him from being a pansy.”

Lark: “Yeah, you’re right. He’d never do it.” *looks at sephiroth*

Sephiroth: “I told you to stop it, woman!”

Zidane: “C’mon, Sephiroth! You’re the only one!”

Sephiroth: “No way! Why should I?”

Tseng: “Because you’re bored?”

Sephiroth: “I’m not that bored.”

Lark: “Come on, Sephy! It’s just one little kiss!”

Sephiroth: “No.”

Tseng: “I’ll give you a hundred bucks.”

Sephiroth: *looks at him in surprise* “You? You have a hundred bucks to throw around?”

Tseng: “Are you gonna take it, or not?”

Sephiroth: *sigh* “Fine. I’ll do it.”

Zidane: *checks time* “Great. Algus will be going into the TV room in a few minutes to watch his stupid stock show. You can go in there and pounce on him!”

Lark: “Doesn’t he have a big screen TV in his room? Why does he have to watch it in the TV room?”

Zidane: “He wants everyone else to see how well his stocks are doing.”

Lark: “Oh. Of course.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(and so, just as zidane said, algus goes into the tv room to watch his program. Meanwhile, lark, zidane and tseng are outside the window listening in. they’re speaking in whispers, obviously, because they don’t want to be heard.)

Zidane: “Are you sure we’ll be able to hear them well enough?”

Lark: “I snuck in there and opened up the windows before Algus got there, so we should have no problem.”

Zidane: “Great thinking.”

(so they’re out there, peeking through the bottom of the open window in the bushes. And they wait. Algus is staring intently at his show. Then sephiroth enters. And he looks a bit nervous)

Sephiroth: “Oh. Hey, Algus. Mind if I join you?”

Algus: “Not at all. Please have a seat. They’re just about to go over the NASDAQ.”

Sephiroth: “Great.”

(he sits on the couch right next to algus. Algus keeps staring at the tv)

Lark: “How can he watch that every day?”

Zidane: “I get stuck watching it every day with him!”

Tseng: “Reeve always watches these boring documentaries. I don’t even know how he finds them with all the channels.”

(sephiroth looks over and he spots them spying. They quickly all duck down)

Zidane: “Crap! He saw us!”

Tseng: “So what? If he wants his hundred bucks he’s going to have to go through with it!”

Lark: “I still don’t know why he agreed to do this for a hundred bucks.”

Tseng: “Because he’s cheaper than Rufus. And that’s how much his precious shampoo costs.”

Lark: “Nice one, Tseng.”

Algus: *chuckles* “Well, there we have it! It went up again! That’s several more millions in my pocket!” *looks around* “Where’s that damn slave of mine? This deserves a toast!”

Sephiroth: “Uh…hey, Algus.”

Algus: “Yes?”

Sephiroth: “Would you do anything for money?”

Algus: “Almost anything, I suppose. Why?”

Sephiroth: “Then you’ll understand this.”

(and with that he seizes algus by the shoulders and kisses him long and hard. When they finally part, sephiroth braces himself.)

Sephiroth: “………”

Algus: “Well, that was certainly better than when that dirty slave Zidane kissed me before!”

Zidane: *yells* “I’m not dirty!”

(tseng and lark tackle him back into the bushes just before algus looks over)

Algus: “Do you hear something?”

Sephiroth: “No. So anyway, did you hate that?”

Algus: “No.”

Sephiroth: “Did you like it?”

Algus: *shrugs*

Sephiroth: “Okay…”

Algus: “Who paid you do to do that?” *chuckles* “Is this Rufus’ idea of a prank?”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, sure, whatever. I’ve gotta get going.”

(and with that he high tails it out of there. Meanwhile, lark, zidane and tseng go over on the porch)

Tseng: “Well, you were right, Zidane. He was totally indifferent.”

Lark: “Yeah.” *pause* “And it seems like he actually got a kick out of it.”

(sephiroth comes bursting through the doors and stomps over to tseng)

Sephiroth: “All right, I did it. Now where’s my money?”

Tseng: *getting out his wallet* “First tell us how it was.”

Sephiroth: “I don’t have to put up with this!”

Tseng: *holding up money* “If you want the money, you have to tell…”

Sephiroth: “It was fine.” *snatches money* “He smells like potpourri.”

Zidane: *sigh* “I’m the one who puts the cologne on him.”

Everyone: *blink blink*

Lark: “He makes you put his *cologne* on him?”

Zidane: “C’mon! Does that really surprise you?!”

Lark: “…I guess not.”

Zidane: “Anyway, it’s time to move onto the last part of my plan. We know he’s indifferent to boys. Now we have to test him with a girl.”

Lark: “That’ll be hard. I don’t think Tseng can bribe anyone for that.”

Tseng: “You’ll probably have to set him up on a date for that.”

Zidane: “Okay… Well what girl won’t he reject?”

Everyone: *thinks*

Lark: “What about Sunshine? He thought she was attractive.”

Zidane: “Yeah, but she hates him.”

Lark: “Oh yeah.” *thinks* “I’ve got it!” *snaps fingers* “What about Cecilia?”

Zidane: “Who?”

Lark: “Cecilia! The girl who lives across the street with Jack.”

Sephiroth: “*Her*?” *makes a face*

Tseng: “What’s wrong with her?”

Sephiroth: “There’s nothing special about her. She’s just so…average looking.”

Lark: “Oh, she looks fine! But best of all, she’s a princess!”

Zidane: “A princess? Perfect! Algus’ll love that! Let’s go talk to her right now!”

(and so zidane, lark and tseng start to head across the street. Sephiroth stays put. Lark turns around and looks back at him)

Lark: “You’re not coming, Sephiroth?”

Sephiroth: “No. This is where I get off the crazy train. You kids have fun.”

Lark: *shrugs* “Suit yourself!”

(so she runs to catch up with the others and they head across the street. Sephiroth turns around and is about to go back inside when the door opens and auron and vincent emerge together)

Auron: *looking at watch* “If we hurry we can make the next show.”

Vincent: *nods*

Sephiroth: *frowns* “Where are you two headed? Haven’t you been banned from being out in public yet?”

Auron: *glares* “We’re going to the movies. Now if you’ll excuse us.”

(they leave. Sephiroth watches them go looking very angry. And as he watches them get in the car and head down the street, he kicks the door before stomping inside, slamming the door behind him.)

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(and so lark, zidane and tseng go across the street to jack and cecilia’s place and knock on the door)

Lark: “Let me do most of the talking.”

Zidane: “Fine by me.”

(a second later cecilia opens the door)

Cecilia: “Oh, hi!”

Lark: “Hey, Cecilia.”

Tseng: “Hi.”

Zidane: “Hey.”

Cecilia: “What can I do for you guys?”

Lark: “Well, we were wondering if you’d like to go out with a friend of ours tonight.”

Cecilia: *blushing* “Oh… Which friend is this?”

Lark: “My friend Algus. Maybe you know him?”

Cecilia: “Algus? …Oh! Isn’t he the landlord’s friend?”

Lark: “That’s him!”

Cecilia: “Well, he seems nice…”

Zidane: “Yeah. Sure he is.” *snort*

Cecilia: “I don’t know, though. I’m really interested in someone else…”

Tseng: “The real reason we’d like you to go out with him is that, well, he’s never really been on a date before, and we thought you two could have a nice time together.”

Cecilia: “Oh! I see. Well, in that case I’d be happy to!”

Zidane: “Great! He’ll pick you up at eight!”

(and zidane and tseng start heading back to the ramble room. Lark stays behind for a moment.)

Lark: “And you know, Cecilia, if you want to kiss him at the end of the night, I’m sure he wouldn’t be adverse to that.”

Cecilia: “Oh!” *blushes* “Okay. Well, we’ll see what happens.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(back at the ramble room a few minutes later, zidane goes back into algus’ room where algus is on the phone)

Algus: “Yes! You heard me! Now don’t disappoint!” *hangs up*

Zidane: “Hey, Algus.”

Algus: “Oh, Zidane! There you are! Where were you? This is why I need to keep you on a leash!”

Zidane: “I was setting up a date for you tonight!”

Algus: “A date?! With who?!”

Zidane: “With Cecilia across the street. She *is* a princess, you know.”

Algus: *eyes light up* “She is?!”

Zidane: *nods* “Uh huh. I thought you two would have a nice time together.”

Algus: “Well! What time shall I pick her highness up?”

Zidane: Eight o’clock.”

Algus: “Eight o’clock?! That is only a few hours away! Hurry, Zidane, and draw me a bath!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(and so eight o’clock rolls around. Zidane, tseng and lark stand in the doorway watching algus go across the street to his date)

Lark: “So how did he react when you told him about it?”

Zidane: “He seemed more excited about the fact she was a princess than anything else.”

Tseng: “Where are they going?”

Zidane: “Out to dinner. Algus made me make reservations at the most expensive restaurant in town.”

(there’s silence for a moment)

Tseng: “Hey… If she lives over there…how are we going to see if they kiss?”

Everyone: “………”

Lark: “…We’re going to have to get back in the bushes, aren’t we.”

Zidane: “Yeah. Yeah we are.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(cut to a few hours later, lark, tseng and zidane are crouched in the bushes between jack and cecilia’s condo and solid snake’s condo. They’re all bundled up and do not look very happy or comfortable, well, except tseng. He looks okay. They’re all talking quietly of course)

Lark: “I bet the most expensive restaurant in town has like a million different courses, doesn’t it.”

Zidane: “Now that you mention it, yeah.”

Lark: “Great. It’s *freezing* out here!”

Tseng: *shrugs* “It’s not so bad. Once I had to sit out in a blizzard. Now *that* was cold.”

Lark: “Okay, fine. Well, even if you don’t think it’s cold at least admit it’s really annoying to hear Lloyd yelling every two minutes!”

Tseng: “Yeah, I’ll give you that.”

Zidane: “Oh god! Don’t even mention him! He’s so annoying, I almost don’t want to have sex with him anymore!”

Tseng: “*Almost*…?”

Zidane: “…Look, I’m a desperate man here. He’s going to have to morph into a goat before I dump him.”

Tseng: *opens mouth to speak*

Zidane: *sigh* “Yes, I realize how sad that sounds.”

Lark: “…I’m cold. And I feel like someone’s watching us.”

Tseng: “Who would be watching us in the bushes?”

Lark: “I don’t know! But I feel like someone’s watching us!”

(there’s silence a moment)

Zidane: “Hey, guys, thanks for sticking by me and my crazy plan.”

Lark: “I’ve stuck by crazier.”

Tseng: “And I’m up for whatever keeps me busy these days.”

Zidane: “And I–Ow!”

Lark: “What?”

Zidane: “Something’s got my tail!”

(they all turn around and see solid snake in full camouflage crouched in the bushes behind them)

Snake: “Otakon, I found a strange animal-like human! Should I bring it back to the lab for testing? Otkaton?! Otakton do you read me? Come in, Otakon!”

Zidane: *pulls his tail back* “You idiot! You know me! I come into the strip club all the time!”

Tseng: “It’s all right, Snake. Stand down. He’s with me.”

(snake stares at tseng for a moment but then he disappears back into the bushes without another word)

Lark: “…I knew we were being watched.”

Zidane: “That guy is a weirdo! Who hangs out in the bushes at this time of night?!”

Lark and Tseng: *give him a look*

Zidane: “…I mean all the time!”

(then a car pulls up into the driveway.)

Zidane: “There’s Algus’ car!!”

(they all duck down further into the bushes. Algus and cecilia get out of the car. He walks her to the door and the gang in the bushes can all hear and see everything perfectly.)

Algus: “It was my pleasure taking a princess to dinner.”

Cecilia: *uncomfortably* “…Yes…you’ve said that several times.”

Algus: “I certainly hope you enjoyed yourself.”

Cecilia: “Yes. I had a nice time.” *smiles* “I’m sure I’ll be seeing you around.”

Algus: “Of course.”

(there’s silence for a moment. Then cecilia leans forward and kisses him quickly. Algus has the same look on his face like he did when sephiroth kissed him – totally blank.)

Cecilia: “Well, good night.”

Algus: “Good night, princess.”

(and with that she goes inside. Algus goes back to the car and gets in)

Zidane: “Okay, let’s go!”

(so while algus is pulling out of the driveway and everything lark, zidane and tseng race across the street and run inside the ramble complex. They go into the empty ramble room and collapse on the couch. They’re all a bit out of breath. Just as they sit, algus comes in)

Algus: “I have returned!” *pause* “…Why are you all out of breath?”

Lark: “Oh…you know how it is…crazy ramble room… Heh heh.”

Zidane: “How was the date?”

Algus: “Passable. For a princess she certainly acts quite common. I don’t think I’d go out with her again, but she is a princess, and she’s welcome to call on me if she ever requires my assistance.”

Lark: “Did you think she was pretty?”

Algus: “She was pretty enough, I suppose.”

Zidane: “And did you kiss?”

Algus: “She kissed me, yes. Took me by surprise.”

Zidane: “How was it?”

Algus: *shrugs* “It was a kiss. No different from any other.” *yawns* “I’m going to be turning in now. Zidane, come turn down my sheets.”

Zidane: “I’ll be there in a second.”

(and so algus leaves.)

Zidane: “Well…?”

Lark: “Yeah. I’m sold.”

Tseng: “Uh huh. He is totally asexual.”

Lark: “When she kissed him, he didn’t even care either way.”

Tseng: “Nope. It was kind of weird.”

Zidane: “I knew it! I called it! I told you so!” *gets up and stretches* “Okay, well I better go turn down his bed. I’ll catch you guys tomorrow.”

(lark and tseng wish him good night and so zidane goes into algus’ room where algus has just finished putting on his pajamas.)

Algus: “Took you long enough!”

Zidane: “You know I like to make you suffer, Algus. And vice versa!”

Algus: “I don’t need to hear your mouth, Zidane. Just get on with it!”

(zidane goes over to the bed and starts to slowly pull the sheets down. He looks thoughtful)

Zidane: “You know, Algus… I forgive you for being so nasty to me after I kissed you today.”

Algus: “Excuse me?”

Zidane: “Well, you were really mean to me before. But I forgive you.”

(algus doesn’t say anything. He just gives zidane a weird look. He gets into the bed but sits up. Zidane just stands there grinning at him)

Algus: “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Zidane.”

Zidane: “I know. You’ve never had a crush on someone you know you can’t have.”

Algus: “I can’t say I’ve ever had a crush on anyone at all.”

Zidane: *amused grin* “…I thought you might say that.”

THE END

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