#154 – Home Is Where You Hang Your Heart

Yuri: “We have *got* to install some cameras.”

Originally Published: 1/18/06 . 49 pages

Synopsis
Sephiroth decides to move in with Alucard, but to do so he dumps Dracula in a the new old folks home at the therapy center. Will they live happily ever after? Or will Dante come between them? Meanwhile, the Belmonts are also having some problems with Trevor, and Nida needs to find out what happened to Headmaster Cid!

Ramble Milestones
-Bugenhagen’s first appearance.

This is one of my favorite ramble titles, but I also really enjoy the ramble itself for it’s balance of comedy and drama. Sephiroth shouldn’t be too surprised that Alucard would cheat on him. After all, he had no problem helping him cheat on Vincent.

(in the ramble room we have tseng, reno, reeve, auron and vincent just sitting around drinking coffee)

Reno: “I don’t feel any older.”

Tseng: “I took a look in the mirror, and I guess I don’t look any older.”

Reeve: “Took a look? You stared at yourself for 30 minutes!”

Tseng: “…It was 26 minutes.”

Auron: “I do not feel older either.”

Vincent: *sigh* “I felt old to begin with.”

(then irvine comes running in, a card in hand)

Irvine: “Lookit! I’m 22!!! I’m 22!!! I can drink!!!! I can drink!!! Reno!!! Let’s go get a drink!!!”

Reno: “Dude, now that you’re 22 you have to at least wait until it’s cool to get a drink to get a drink. Not 10 in the morning when I still have a hangover.”

Irvine: “Screw you – I can drink!!!!!”

(he runs off happily. Then sephiroth stomps in, a suitcase in hand)

Tseng: “Where are you going?”

Sephiroth: “I’m moving in with Alucard.”

Everyone: “………” *looks confused*

Tseng: “I’m sorry. You’re *what*?!”

Sephiroth: “Are you collectively deaf?! I said I’m moving in with Alucard!”

Reeve: “Does Lark know about this?”

Sephiroth: “What is she, my mommy? No! I’m a grown-up! I can move in with my boyfriend if I want to!”

Auron: “Living together doesn’t solve relationship problems.”

Sephiroth: “Shut up, Auroran. What do you know about relationships? Vincent’s not even sitting next to you on the couch.”

Auron: *frowns*

Reno: “Sephiroth – how are you moving in with Alucard? I thought you couldn’t stand Dracula! Remember that time with the toilet?”

Sephiroth: *shudders* “I’ll never forget. But don’t think I’m going to put up with that disintegrating monster hanging around. I have a plan. I’ll see you all around.”

(and with that he picks up his suitcase and leaves)

Tseng: “I give that a week.”

Reeve: “That’s generous.”

Vincent: *sad sigh*

Auron: “He is doomed to fail because he does not know how to treat anyone kindly! Don’t you agree with me, Vincent?”

Vincent: *another sad sigh* “…I wish to be alone for awhile.”

(and with that he gets up and leaves the room. As soon as he goes, auron gets up and leaves the room)

Reno: *blink blink* “I thought Vincent said he wanted to be alone…”

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… 

(meanwhile, over at the castle, sephiroth bangs on the door and alucard opens it)

Alucard: “You’re here early.”

Sephiroth: “Well the center stops taking new applicants at noon.”

(he comes in and alucard shuts the door behind him.)

Alucard: “What center?”

Sephiroth: “The Video Game Character Therapy Center. The flyer came in the mail yesterday.”

(he hands the flyer to alucard. Sure enough it’s a flyer for koudelka’s center. And in the corner it says: ‘new!! Old folks home for aging or unwanted characters!! Call to inquire!!)

Alucard: “Old folks home?! For aging or unwanted characters?!”

Sephiroth: “Yeah. And your dad is both. I already called about it. They’re just starting today.”

Alucard: “We can’t dump my dad in an old folks home!”

Sephiroth: “I sure as hell am not living with him. If you want us to be together he’s got to go!”

Alucard: *frowns* “……”

Sephiroth: “Don’t be too quick about it now!”

Alucard: *sigh* “But he’s my *father*.”

Sephiroth: “And he’s tearing us apart!”

Alucard: “You’re blaming him?!”

(then dracula wanders in)

Dracula: “Oh! Hello young miss! Alucard! Ask your girlfriend to have a baby, will you? I’m hungry!”

Alucard: “Dad, not now.”

Dracula: “I miss the taste of baby! It really *does* taste like chicken.”

Alucard: “Dad…”

Sephiroth: “You see what I mean!”

Dracula: “I can see everything! My eyes are actually in this morning!”

Alucard: “Dad!”

Dracula: “Alucard! Stop yelling!”

Alucard: “I’m not yelling!”

Sephiroth: “This has to stop, Alucard!”

Dracula: “Alucard, are we going to eat the curtains or not?!”

Alucard: “Okay!! Okay!!” *sigh* “Sephiroth, you win. Fine. We’ll put dad in the old folks home.”

Dracula: “Who’s using a cold pokes phone? That sounds fun!”

Sephiroth: *smiles* “You won’t regret this.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, over at the belmont estate…someone’s in the kitchen with franswa, and it’s trevor belmont. Franswa is on a stool trying to get something down from a high up cabinet, and trevor is below, annoying the crap out of him.)

Trevor: “Franswa!! Where is the new shipment of holy water?!”

Franswa: “I already told you I don’t know, grandpa one! Dad moved it! Not me!”

Trevor: “I already asked him! And he said you moved it!”

Franswa: “Did you ask *Richter*? Because he’s my dad. Not Juste.”

Trevor: *thinks* “Yes! Yes I did! I know what I’m talking about! I fought Dracula you know!”

(franswa sighs in annoyance and gets down from the stool.)

Franswa: “I’ll be right back. Don’t touch anything!”

(he leaves.)

Trevor: “I know! He must have hidden the holy water in this high cabinet where he thought I wouldn’t be able to look! Well fighting Dracula is nothing compared to a measly step stool!”

(and he gets up on the stool and opens the cabinet, which is full of pots. He pulls on one of the pots on the bottom but that loosens one of the pots on the top which then comes crashing down and smacks him in the head. Trevor stumbles off the stool and into the living room looking disoriented. That’s where the rest of the belmonts have gathered…)

Franswa: “Dad, where is my colander?”

Richter: “I don’t even know what that is.”

Simon: “Grandfather! There you are! Have you seen the holy water?”

Trevor: *out of it* “…Huh?”

Juste: “The holy water! For defeating the vampires!”

Trevor: *still out of it* “…What are vampires?”

Other Belmont’s: *gasp*

Richter: “Did he just…ask what vampires are?”

Franswa: “Holy crap he did.”

Juste: “Oh my goodness! I never thought this day would come!!”

Simon: “We still got the flyer for that old folks home?”

Franswa: “Um…I think so.”

Simon: “Get it.”

 

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(so before noon, alucard and sephiroth take dracula into the center…)

Dracula: “I can’t wait to pick out a puppy!”

Alucard: “Dad, quiet down.”

Dracula: “Can we barbecue it this time? It gets tough when you boil it.”

(sephiroth steps up to the counter where koudelka is hanging up the phone)

Sephiroth: “Hey there. I called before about the decrepit old vampire.”

Koudelka: “Oh yeah… Sephiroth, right?” *looks at dracula* “And *that* must be Dracula.”

Dracula: *sings* “And Bingo was his name-o!”

Alucard: “Um, are you sure you’re set up to handle a vampire?”

Koudelka: “Sure. Give him blood, keep him out of sunlight, how hard is it?”

Alucard: “Well, dad sometimes loses his body parts.”

Dracula: *chuckles* “Sometimes is the nice way of putting it!”

Koudelka: “Don’t worry. He’ll be under almost constant supervision.”

Alucard: “And he has to sleep in his coffin. Sometimes he has a hard time getting to sleep so you have to read him a story.”

Koudelka: “Is this your father or your two year old?”

Sephiroth: “Thank you! Finally someone else sees it like it is!”

Alucard: *frowns*

Koudelka: “Don’t worry, okay? We’ll take good care of your dad. And you can come and visit him whenever you want.”

(she comes over and takes dracula by the arm.)

Dracula: “Do you want to be one of my brides? I think I ate my old ones.”

Koudelka: “What a charmer.”

(she takes dracula into the back. Alucard stands there looking sad. Sephiroth looks like he’s going to break out dancing he’s so happy)

Sephiroth: “It’s done! He’s gone! He’s off your hands forever! Isn’t it great!?!?”

Alucard: “……”

Sephiroth: “This calls for a celebration!”

(and with that he drags poor alucard out of the place.)

 

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(and so koudelka takes dracula into the back of the place. also there are cid kramer from ff8 and radius from chrono cross.)

Koudelka: “Hey, everybody. Meet Dracula.”

Dracula: “I’m going to be king!”

(and before anyone can say anything else she drags dracula off into a back room. Just as she does that yuri enters with trevor belmont)

Yuri: “Okay, you can have a seat with the other guys.”

Trevor: “You don’t understand! This is some kind of misunderstanding! I’m a Belmont, dammit! I fought Dracula! I don’t belong in an old folks home!”

Yuri: “Well apparently your family thinks so because they’re the ones who dropped you off.”

(and with that he leaves the room. Trevor stands there looking lost. Cid and radius are sitting on a couch.)

Radius: “My gang said they couldn’t afford to house me and feed all the different animals, so they dumped me off here. Who wants to learn combat?!”

Cid: “My wife finally realized she was too hot for me and left. Then I was fired from my job because I kept letting some newbie kid run the place.”

Radius: “So who dumped ya here?”

Cid: “No one. I’m here on my own free will. I’m actually hiding from the bite bugs. They can see through your soul.”

Radius: *to trevor* “And what’s your story?”

Trevor: “My story?! My story!? I am Trevor Belmont of the mighty Belmont’s! I defeated the monster known as Dracula! And now I have been mistakenly dumped into this dump! But I defeated Dracula! And that is an engaging tale in itself! It all started when I was born…”

(and he starts on his long story about how he defeated dracula. During this time koudelka comes back into the room and sees trevor rambling about dracula. Her eyes get wide and she quickly runs into an adjoining room where yuri sits with a magazine)

Koudelka: “Who’s that guy talking about how he killed Dracula?!”

Yuri: “I don’t know. Something Belmont. Why?”

Koudelka: “Because I have Dracula getting ready to take a bath in the back!!”

Yuri: *blink blink* “Dracula? Somebody dropped Dracula off?”

Koudelka: “Yes! And now we have Dracula here and a guy who tries to kill him?!”

Yuri: *shrugs* “I told you this was a bad idea.”

Koudelka: “Argh! Fine. We’ll find a way to make this work.”

Yuri: “Did you say you were getting Dracula ready to take a bath?”

Koudelka: “Yeah. Why?”

Yuri: “Doesn’t water hurt vampires?”

Koudelka: *eyes widen* “…Crap!!” *runs out*

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, in loser land, kuja is staring at himself in the mirror. Seymour and scarlet are watching some fashion show on tv. Hojo is at the computer. Heidegger is making a sandwich and kefka is nowhere to be seen. All of the sudden nida bursts in looking frantic)

Nida: “Headmaster Cid has been fired!!!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I ate all the mayo!”

Scarlet: “Then you have to go out and buy more.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Make me!”

Nida: “Hell~lo!! I just said Headmaster Cid was fired!!!”

Kuja: “I feel older.”

Seymour: “You’re just plain old.”

Kuja: “At least I don’t have veins all over my face, vein face.”

Hojo: “Hush! I’m trying to concentrate!”

Nida: “Someone listen to me! I said Headmaster Cid’s been fired!”

Scarlet: “Are you sure he’s been fired? Are you sure you didn’t just kill him?”

Nida: “No! I didn’t plan to until next year!”

Everyone: *stares at him*

Nida: “Uh, I mean no! He’s really been fired! Xu’s the new headmaster.”

Scarlet: “Oh. I thought it would be Squall.”

Nida: “No way! I’m way more qualified than Squall!”

Heidegger: “I’m qualified to eat all the mustard! Gya haa haa!”

Scarlet: “Knock it off, blubber bag!”

Nida: “I can’t have Xu in charge of Garden! I can’t! I just can’t!”

Hojo: “Why not? Is she actually competent or something?”

Nida: “Yes! I can’t suck up to Xu like I did to Headmaster Cid!”

Kuja: “Because then it’s called sexual harassment.”

Nida: “I’ve gotta find out what happened to him!”

Kuja: “While you’re at it, find out why I feel older.”

Seymour: “And find out why Kuja’s so ugly.”

Kuja: “And find out why Seymour has so many veins on his face.”

(nida heads back towards the door)

Scarlet: “Who are you going to talk to?”

Nida: “…I didn’t think I’d ever have to resort to this, but I’m going to talk to Squall.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back in the ramble room. Lark walks into the ramble room looking confused. In that room we have reno, irvine, squall, rinoa and zell)

Irvine: “Can I have a drink *now*?”

Reno: “I let you go to the store and buy that bottle of rum!”

Irvine: “That’s not good enough!”

Lark: “Hey guys… Have any of you seen Sephiroth?”

Reno: “He moved in with Alucard.”

Lark: “Oh. Okay.” *goes to leave but then stops as it dawns on her what he said* “…Wait *what*?”

Reno: “He left this morning to move in with Alucard. He had a suitcase and everything.”

Lark: “Why didn’t he tell me!?”

Reno: “He said you weren’t his mommy.”

Lark: *frowns* “I don’t believe he would up and leave without telling me! I’m gonna go over there.”

(she goes to turn and leave again, but this time she nearly bumps right into nida)

Lark and Nida: “Whoa! Sorry!” *blink blink* “Ack!”

Nida: “Lark!”

Lark: “Nida! Ew! What are you doing here?!

Nida: “I have to talk to Squall!”

Lark: “I don’t care! Get out of here!”

Nida: “Come on! It’s about Headmaster Cid! He was fired today!”

Lark: “You probably killed him, you weirdo freak!”

Nida: “No! He was really fired! Really!”

Lark: *to squall* “Was he really?”

Squall: “Yeah.”

Lark: *blink blink* “He was?”

Zell: “Yeah! He was fired for putting Squall in charge too much!”

Lark: “That makes sense.”

Irvine: “Now Xu’s in charge.”

Rinoa: “Poor Headmaster Cid, though. I heard he checked himself into that new old folks home. It’s in the same place where you have your therapy, Squall.”

Squall: *shifty eyes* “I don’t go to therapy. Shut up, Rinoa.”

Nida: “Old folks home?! Where?!”

Rinoa: “It’s the Video Game Character Therapy Center. After they had some problems with Squall’s therapy group they changed the section for the live-in patients into an old folks home.”

Squall: “Shut *up*, Rinoa!”

Nida: “Really!? Thanks!” *he leaves but then sticks his head back in a moment later* “Ha ha! You go to therapy, Squall! You girl!”

Lark: “Okay, Nida! You’ve more than worn out your welcome.”

(she shoves nida away and leaves herself. There’s silence in the ramble room for a moment…)

Irvine: “Dude…do you *really* go to therapy?”

Squall: *glares at rinoa* “I hate you.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

 

(so lark goes stomping next door to the castle and knocks on the door. Sephiroth answers it.)

Sephiroth: “Oh. Hey.”

Lark: “Hey?! Hey yourself! Remember me – the person you *used* to live with?!”

Sephiroth: “Huh? …Do you want to get back together or something?”

Lark: “What?! No! I’m talking about the ramble room! How could you move without telling me!?”

Sephiroth: “I didn’t realize you had to approve everything!”

Lark: “It’s not like that!”

Sephiroth: “Besides, I’m right next door! I can see the ramble room from here! I can see *into* the ramble room from here! Well, not the ramble room, but Shadow’s room. That guy’s weird.”

Lark: “Sephiroth, you can move anywhere you want. I would just like it if you *told* me! I thought we were friends!”

Sephiroth: *frowns* “Oh. Fine. Well, I moved in with Alucard.”

Lark: *sigh* “Thanks for telling me now.” *pause* “So. …Can I ask *why*?”

Sephiroth: “Why?! He’s my boyfriend! That’s why!”

Lark: “I know! But…well…you know…you and him haven’t exactly been…well, you know. And then there’s Dracula…”

Sephiroth: *grins* “Dracula is no longer a problem.”

Lark: “Oh god. Did you kill him?!”

Sephiroth: “No. But I did dump him in an old folks home!”

Lark: “You did *what*?!”

Sephiroth: “I did the world a favor.”

Lark: “Sephiroth! Is Alucard okay with this?!”

Sephiroth: “I guess so.”

Lark: “You guess so?! Well what did he say?!”

Sephiroth: “Not anything really. He’s been holed up in his coffin since we got back.” *rolls eyes* “Vampires.”

Lark: “I don’t know if that was such a good idea…”

Sephiroth: “Of course it was! He was the one causing the big problem between us! Now that he’s gone, there’ll be no more problems!”

Lark: “You think *Dracula* was the cause of all your problems?!”

Sephiroth: “I *know* he was the cause of all our problems. Now if you’ll excuse me, I was making dinner.”

(and with that he closes the door. Lark sighs and starts to head back home. She sees franswa across the street getting the belmont’s mail and he waves at her so she goes over.)

Lark: “Hey, Franswa.”

Franswa: “Hey.”

Lark: “What’s new?”

Franswa: “Oh, we put grandpa one in an old folks home this morning.”

Lark: “What?! Who’s grandpa one!?”

Franswa: “Oh! That’s what I call my grandpa Trevor. It’s a lot faster than putting all those ‘greats’ in there.”

Lark: “Your family put Trevor Belmont in a nursing home?! Why?!”

Franswa: “Well, he started acting all out of it this morning. He didn’t know what a vampire was.”

Lark: “Oh my god!”

Franswa: “I know. It’s really serious. So grandpa two -er…grandpa Simon, said he was no longer useful and we dropped him off a few hours ago.” *sigh* “I don’t know, though. Something didn’t seem right…”

Lark: “I can’t believe you guys put Trevor in an old folks home!” *pause* “Wait a minute… Old folks home…” *looks at the castle* “OMG!” *gasp* “Franswa! Did you know Sephiroth and Alucard put Dracula in an old folks home today!?”

Franswa: “They did?!”

Lark: “You don’t think… You don’t think it’s the same one – do you?!”

Franswa: “I don’t know… But if it is and grandpa one isn’t really out of it…I’m sure we’ll know soon enough.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(that night at the old folks home, it seems that someone else has been dropped off there, and it’s bugenhagen, red’s grandpa. Radius and cid sit on the couch watching tv. Trevor sits in a chair looking surly but staring at the tv, and bugenhagen is floating next to the couch watching the tv as well. They’re watching wheel of fortune)

Radius: “Spin again, ya pansy! Bet it all! It’s the only way to win!”

Cid: *hiding his face behind a pillow* “No! Solve the puzzle! Play it safe!”

Bugenhagen: “Ho ho ho. This show is colorful!”

Trevor: *frowns*

(there’s the sound on the tv of someone spinning the wheel and then the sound of bankruptcy)

Cid: *still behind the pillow* “No!! I knew that would happen!”

Radius: “It landed there because he didn’t want it bad enough!”

Bugenhagen: “Ho ho ho! The planet is smiling.”

Trevor: *more frowns*

(then koudelka comes in the room with yuri)

Koudelka: “They seem happy enough.”

Yuri: “I’m just glad we finally got Dracula to sleep. I didn’t know any more lullabies!”

Koudelka: “Yeah, tell me about it. That son of his needs more therapy than we can give him.”

(the contestant on the show spins the wheel)

Radius: *clapping* “Come on! Big money! Big money!”

Cid: *still behind pillow* “Loud noises scare me!”

Bugenhagen: “Ho ho ho! I’m on so many pills…”

Trevor: *even more frowns*

Yuri: “That Belmont guy doesn’t seem happy.”

Koudelka: “I know. He kept trying to call his family.”

Yuri: “That’s impossible. I replaced the phone one of those Sesame Street kiddie phones. I wanted to make it look like they could call home, but they really can’t.”

Koudelka: “I know. He talked to Grover for like twenty minutes. He thought he was a difficult operator or something.”

Yuri: “You didn’t stop him?”

Koudelka: “No. It was hilarious at the time.”

Yuri: “I can imagine. I wish you taped it for me.”

Koudelka: “Everyone else seems okay though.”

Yuri: “That Cid guy is afraid of everything.”

Koudelka: “No wonder he checked himself in.”

Yuri: “And that Bugenhagen guy had like a sack load of meds.”

Koudelka: “Yeah. He’s totally whacked out on pills.”

Yuri: “This is the best entertainment we’ve had yet. And we don’t even have to be behind the two way mirror.”

Koudelka: “I know, it’s great. Anyway, how’s the RPG main character group going? Any progress?”

Yuri: “No. Just more blank staring and circus music. I had to go back to tying Cloud to the chair.”

Koudelka: “Typical. And the villains?”

Yuri: “Same old, same old. I had to stop a few more fights involving Nightmare, but otherwise that group is pretty self-sufficient.”

Koudelka: “And the girls?”

Yuri: “I don’t know, but I keep having to order more boxes of tissues.”

Dracula’s voice: “Ack!!! Alucard!?!?! The sky is falling!!!!”

Koudelka: “Dammit. Not again!”

Trevor: *perks up* “What was that?!”

Koudelka: “That was nothing! Go back to your TV show!”

(she runs out. Trevor frowns and looks at the tv again)

Trevor: “But this isn’t about vampires…”  

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, in loser land, nida returns. He’s got a slurpee in hand)

Nida: “Guess what I found out!”

Scarlet: *blink blink* “Where’d you get the slurpee?”

Nida: “…Store.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I want one!”

Nida: “Get your own! Anyway, I found out Headmaster Cid went to an old folks home! I’ve gotta get him outta there!”

Kuja: “Did you find out why I feel older?”

Nida: “No.”

Hojo: “An old folks home, eh? You’ll never get him out of there.”

Nida: “Yes I will! I’m Nida! I’m capable of anything!”

Scarlet: “You’re certainly capable of annoying me.”

Nida: “That’s right!” *pause* “Hey!”

Hojo: “Oh, Kuja my darling, I seem to have found the reason why you think you feel older.”

Kuja: “Oh really? And why is that?”

Hojo: “Because you *are* older.”

Seymour: “Haha!”

Hojo: “We all are.”

Seymour: “*What*?!”

Kuja: “What do you mean I *am* older?!”

Hojo: “Well, I was reviewing the footage from the ramble room cameras and it seems they had a vote yesterday on whether or not to age everyone five years. Aging won, so we all aged overnight.”

Nida: “We did!? So I’m 22?! I’m legal!”

Scarlet: “And I’m forty–er…29?!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! He didn’t say we aged backwards!”

Scarlet: “Shut up, Heidegger!”

Kuja: *shrug* “Oh well. I’m still beautiful. In fact my skin feels *nicer*.”

Seymour: “So does mine.”

Kuja: “Sure it does.”

Hojo: “And I still feel rather spry for 65!”

Kuja: “You’re 65!? Ewwww!!! Shouldn’t you be somewhere arguing about your senior discount?!”

(he and seymour both laugh)

Seymour: “Or backing up your car without looking?”

(they both laugh again)

Hojo: *frown* “Laugh all you want. I’m only two years older than Vincent.”

Scarlet: “Yeah. He slept in the coffin, but you look like the corpse.”

(everyone laughs)

Hojo: “You think I’m so old! Well maybe I should go to this old folks home then!”

Nida: *lights up* “Yeah! That’s a great idea!”

Hojo: “It was a joke. I may not be very funny, but I assure you, it was a joke.”

Nida: “No! You can be like a spy! We’ll dump you in there, and you can find out how to get Headmaster Cid out of there!”

Hojo: “And what’s in it for me?”

Nida: *thinks a moment then brightens* “I know! I’ll install one of your cameras in the boys locker room in Garden!”

Hojo: “We have a deal.”

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… 

(meanwhile, over at alucard’s…alucard and sephiroth are sitting across from each other at a really long table having dinner. It’s dark outside. They’re not talking, but merely eating in silence. Boy, was moving in together a great idea or what! …okay, that was sarcasm. And it’s the last 50 rambles so I’m going overboard with the commentary.)

Alucard: “………”

Sephiroth: “………”

Alucard: “………”

Sephiroth: “………”

Alucard: “…I didn’t know you could cook.”

Sephiroth: *shrugs* “I can make some things.”

Alucard: “It’s pretty good.”

Sephiroth: “Thanks.”

(the doorbell rings. Both start to get up)

Alucard: “I’ll get it.”

(so sephiroth sits back down and alucard leaves the room to go answer the door. He opens it, and it’s franswa)

Alucard: “Oh. Hello.”

Franswa: “Hey, Alucard. Um…Lark told me you put your dad in an old folks home.”

Alucard: *frowns* “*Sephiroth* put dad in a nursing home.”

Franswa: “Oh. Well…we put grandpa Trevor in a nursing home this morning too.”

Alucard: *eyes widen* “What?!”

Franswa: “He was acting a little bit out of it…he didn’t know what vampires were.”

Alucard: “That doesn’t sound right.”

Franswa: “I know.”

Alucard: *puts a hand to his head* “Oh my gosh. What a day I’m having.”

Franswa: “So, uh, I was wondering…what old folks home did you put him in?”

Alucard: *sigh* “I don’t know…some center for Video Game characters or something.”

Franswa: *gasp* “Oh no! That’s where we put grandpa one!”

Alucard: “…Grandpa one?”

Franswa: “It’s just faster to say it that way. Oh no! If grandpa is really okay, and he sees your dad, all hell will break loose!”

Alucard: “Well I haven’t gotten any phone calls from them.”

Franswa: “Us either.” *frowns* “Maybe grandpa really has lost it.”

Alucard: “I doubt it.”

Franswa: “Why? He is only human.”

Alucard: “… …Right.”

Franswa: “Huh?”

Alucard: “What.”

Franswa: “You…seemed a little weird there.”

Alucard: “I’m not weird. You think I’m acting weird?”

Franswa: “A little weird, yes.”

Alucard: “Well I’m not.”

Franswa: “Okay… Well what should we do about this?”

Alucard: “I don’t know. Nothing I guess. Maybe they know and they’re keeping them apart. Dad does need a lot of special care.”

Franswa: “Okay. Well, I just thought you should know. I’m not going to tell the rest of the clan.”

Alucard: “Thanks for telling me.”

Franswa: “Sure thing. Have a good night.”

Alucard: “You too.”

(franswa starts to walk away. Alucard closes the door and turns to walk back to the dining room when the doorbell rings again. He sighs and goes back to open it again. But this time it’s dante, who’s holding a measuring cup and leaning seductively against the doorframe)

Dante: “Hey there… Mind if I borrow a cup of sugar?”

Alucard: “Dante!” *quickly lowers voice* “What are you doing here?!?!”

Dante: “What? A sexy neighbor can’t just drop by to borrow a cup of sugar from an almost equally sexy neighbor?”

Alucard: “Sephiroth is living with me now.”

Dante: “What? Oh please. Why are you still riding on that when you could be on this?” *grins*

Alucard: “It was nice of you to stop by. But I really must be going.”

Dante: “Aw, come on.”

Alucard: “I’m sorry.”

Dante: “Fine. But at least come back to the club this weekend.”

Alucard: “…I’ll think about it.”

(he shuts the door and goes back to the dining room again.)

Sephiroth: “Who was that?”

Alucard: “Franswa. Did you know they put Trevor Belmont in the same old folks home that we put dad???”

Sephiroth: “That would make for an amusing sitcom.”

Alucard: *mumbles something*

Sephiroth: “What?”

Alucard: “Nothing.”

Sephiroth: “Who was there the second time?”

Alucard: “Huh?”

Sephiroth: “I heard the doorbell ring a second time.”

Alucard: “Oh. Uh… Franswa…forgot his hat.”

Sephiroth: “Oh really?”

Alucard: “Yes.”

Sephiroth: *suspiciously* “What kind of hat was it?”

Alucard: “Uh, a beret.”

Sephiroth: *pause* “Yeah. I can see that.”

(and with that he takes his dishes and leaves the room for the kitchen, while alucard lets out a relieved sigh.)

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… 

(and so we go to the next day. Scarlet, kuja, nida and hojo are going into the center. Hojo is not dressed in his usual gross lab coat. Instead he’s wearing a bunch of mismatched old man clothes, including plaid pants and one of those golfer hats with the pom-pom on the top. They approach the desk where koudelka stands.)

Nida: “Good morning! We’re here to drop an unwanted character off in your old folks home.”

Koudelka: *blink blink* “You’re calling him unwanted right in front of him?”

Scarlet: “We don’t like him and don’t care what he thinks.”

Kuja: “He’s Dr. Alexander Hojo from Final Fantasy 7. Perhaps you’ve heard of him?”

Hojo: “Of course she has! Everyone’s heard of me!”

Koudelka: “Sure, whatever. We have room. How will you be paying?”

Everyone: *looks at hojo*

Hojo: *sighs and takes out his checkbook*

Koudelka: “You’re making *him* pay for this?”

Kuja: “Why not? He likes it.”

Nida: “How much is it anyway?”

Koudelka: “A thousand dollars a month.”

Scarlet: “Geez. I should have gone into this business.”

(hojo hands the check over with a sigh. Koudelka takes it and tucks it away)

Koudelka: “Great. So is there anything special we should know about?”

Kuja: “No.”

Scarlet: “If he dies, we won’t sue.”

Koudelka: “Okay. Well you can come visit him whenever you want.”

Nida: “Then you’ll never see us again. Bye now!”

(nida, scarlet and kuja quickly leave.)

Koudelka: “Wow. That was worse than the guy who checked himself in.” *shrugs* “Well, come on back with me.”

(she starts walking into the back. Hojo stays behind a moment)

Hojo: *sighs* “This footage better be worth it!”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(meanwhile, in the tv room… tseng is sitting alone flipping channels when zidane comes in)

Zidane: “I’m 21!!! Whoo hoo!!!”

Tseng: “You were 21 yesterday too. Where were you then?”

Zidane: *frowns* “Cleaning every inch of Algus’ room.”

Tseng: “Ouch.”

(so zidane comes over and flops on the couch next to tseng, grinning from ear to ear. Tseng’s still flipping channels and doesn’t look over at him. Zidane does look older. He’s a bit taller, and definitely looks his age. He’s gone from a cute teenager to a handsome young man.)

Zidane: “So… Going to the strip club this weekend?”

(tseng sighs and puts down the remote. He then turns to look at zidane and his eyes widen a moment)

Tseng: “Whoa.”

Zidane: “I look good, right??”

Tseng: “Wow. You look so much *older*.”

Zidane: “I know! So anyway…strip club this weekend?”

Tseng: “I don’t know…”

Zidane: “Aw, come on! It’s my first weekend being 21! I wanna have some fun!”

Tseng: *sigh* “Okay, fine. We’ll go.”

Zidane: *leaps to his feet* “Whoo hoo!!”

(then algus comes in, looking stern)

Algus: “Zidane. There you are. Your break is over.”

Zidane: “But that was only two minutes!”

Algus: “It’s five minutes by my watch.”

Zidane: “Your watch must be freakishly fast then.”

Algus: “Talk back to me again and your next break will be five seconds!”

(zidane, looking downcast, follows algus out. Tseng picks up the remote and goes back to the tv)

Tseng: “Some things never change.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back at the old folks center…yuri is in the back with the old men. koudelka isn’t there. trevor belmont is nowhere to be seen either. dracula sits on the couch with radius and cid. bugenhagen floats nearby. and hojo sits in the chair. cid is staring at dracula in horror)

Radius: “So! Hojo! Care to take me in a fight??”

Hojo: *rolls eyes* “For the fourth time, I am a *scientist*.”

Cid: *points to dracula trembling* “He’s got fangs!”

Dracula: *chuckles* “If you think that’s impressive, you should see me turn into a bat!”

Cid: *screams*

Bugenhagen: “I see dragonflies everywhere…”

Hojo: “What do you fellows do for fun around here?”

Radius: “Watch TV.”

Cid: “I like to stare out the window. I find it soothing.”

Dracula: “The sun kills me!”

Bugenhagen: *in a trance* “They have wings of fire…”

Hojo: “…I see…” *clears throat* “You there – Cid. Weren’t you the headmaster at something called Garden?”

Cid: “Why yes! Have you heard of it?”

Hojo: *mutters to himself* “Only every day for the last five years…” *louder* “Once or twice, I suppose. How did you end up here?”

Cid: “Oh! I checked myself in! Everything seemed nice and safe here!” *looks at dracula* “Until he showed up.”

Dracula: *chuckles* “Everything’s more fun when I join the party!”

Bugenhagen: *still in trance* “Wings of fire and lobsters…”

Hojo: *blink blink* “You checked yourself in here?”

Cid: “Yes.”

Hojo: “You willingly came here.”

Cid: “Yes.”

Hojo: “And you’re willingly staying here.”

Cid: “Yes.”

Hojo: “Well. …I’m at a loss for words. Excuse me.” *he gets up and goes to where yuri is reading a magazine* “Where is the telephone?”

Yuri: *mutters and points in the direction of the sesame street phone*

(hojo goes to where yuri pointed. the buttons on the phone have been painted over and numbers have been painted on them. you can’t see the faces of the sesame street characters anymore. hojo picks up and dials the number to loser land. meanwhile…)

Dracula: “I’m thirsty! Does anyone mind if I have one of their fingers??”

Cid: *screams* “Dracula’s going to eat us! He’s going to eat us all!!”

Bugenhagen: “Mmm… Lobster…”

Radius: “Nonsense! I’ll take him down for you!” *gets up* “Ow! My back!! Where’s my medication?!” *grabs back*

Yuri: *comes over with a sigh* “All right. Everybody calm down. Dracula, come with me.”

Dracula: *jumps to his feet* “I’m the chosen one!”

(dracula happily follows yuri into the back. just as they leave trevor comes out of a different door, still looking downcast.)

Trevor: “Does anyone have any unholy demons that need banishing?”

Bugenhagen: “Lobsters with sparkly claws…”

Radius: “That boy better be getting my medication!!”

Cid: *hiding behind pillow* “…Is he gone?”

Bugenhagen: “Sparkly claws of destiny! Ho ho ho!”

Trevor: *sad sigh*

Hojo: *on the phone* “Bert?! No! I must have dialed wrong!” *dials again* “Hello? Ernie! No!” *dials again* “Hello? What! No! I am not trying to reach a large bird! And I certainly don’t need to be told the sky is blue!” *hangs up* “What have I gotten myself into…?”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, over at sephiroth and alucard’s…sephiroth is sitting down watching tv. alucard comes into the room…)

Alucard: “Sephiroth.”

Sephiroth: “…What.”

Alucard: “…You want to do something?”

Sephiroth: “Do something? Do what? Go outside and get a bad sunburn?! You’re a vampire! What do you want to do?”

(alucard sighs and leaves the room. the phone rings, and he picks it up)

Alucard: “Hello?”

?????: “Hey there, sexy voice.”

Alucard: *whispers* “…Dante?”

Dante’s voice: “The one and only.”

Alucard: *softly* “How did you get this number?!”

Dante’s voice: “Oh, I have my ways. So…you coming to the club tomorrow night?”

Alucard: *softly* “…I don’t know…”

Dante’s voice: “Why not? You do *want* to come…”

Alucard: *softly* “Well, of course, but…”

Dante’s voice: “I bet you do. Look. That boyfriend of yours is a loser! He should be hanging out with Lloyd, not you.”

Lloyd’s voice: “It’s *Vergil*, Dante! And you f***ing know that!!”

(alucard backs up against the wall and keeps talking softly…)

Alucard: “Look, you’re very nice, but I just don’t–“

Dante’s voice: “Okay, Alucard. I’ll stop being subtle. I want you. And I don’t give up until I get what I want. Now will you be at the club tomorrow night?”

Alucard: *eyes closed* “…I’ll be there.”

Dante’s voice: “Good boy. I look forward to seeing you there.”

Lloyd’s voice: “Get off the f***ing phone, Dante! I have to call my friend Donnie!”

Dante’s voice: “You don’t have any friends, Lloyd! Now get lost!”

Lloyd’s voice: “My name is Vergil, you jackass!”

Dante’s voice: “Sorry, Al. I’ve gotta jet. I’ll see you tomorrow though.”

Alucard: “…Yeah.”

Dante’s voice: “Good-bye then.”

Alucard: “Bye.”

(still leaning against the wall, alucard hangs up the phone looking a little breathless. sephiroth then comes into the room looking a little suspicious)

Sephiroth: “Who was that?”

Alucard: “Oh. Who was that? You mean on the phone?”

Sephiroth: “No, on the roof! Yes on the phone!”

Alucard: “Oh. It was dad.”

Sephiroth: “…Oh really.”

Alucard: “Yes.”

Sephiroth: “Your father figured out how to use the phone and dial correctly?”

Alucard: “I guess someone helped him.”

Sephiroth: “Oh yeah? And what did he have to say?”

Alucard: “He was just babbling. You know dad.”

Sephiroth: “Right.” *frowns* “Well why don’t you bring me a soda?”

(and he goes back into the other room. but instead of looking relieved this time, alucard looks annoyed…)

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, in the ramble room…red is on the phone in the background while zell and lark chat…)

Lark: “Hey, Zell. Have you seen Squall? Laguna was looking for him.”

Zell: “Rinoa took him to therapy.”

Lark: “Oh.” *pause* “Hey, you think that’s helping him at all?”

Zell: “I don’t think so.”

Lark: “Yeah, I didn’t think so either.”

Zell: “But hey, I gotta question for you, Lark.”

Lark: “Shoot.”

Zell: “Well, you know how we all aged and stuff…well, I was wondering, uh, did the Belmont’s age too?”

Lark: “You asking about Franswa? Because I don’t think the rest of them would notice five more years if it hit them on the head.”

Zell: “Uh, yeah.”

Lark: “Yup! Everybody aged! Well, everybody that showed up before Rufus’ condos anyway. As far as I’m concerned those guys were the proper age when they got here.”

Zell: *grins* “Okay! Thanks, Lark!”

(he runs out. meanwhile, red hangs up the phone with a sigh that is sadder than usual.)

Lark: “What’s wrong, Red?”

Red: *gives her a look*

Lark: “…I meant what’s wrong right *now*?”

Red: *sigh* “I cannot reach grandfather. He hasn’t been answering his phone.”

Lark: “Maybe he’s just doing some hardcore studying in that planet chamber thingy he has.”

Red: *sigh* “I suppose. Grandfather always was rather flighty.”

(he sadly leaves the room.)

Lark: “I’m surprised with Red’s luck he didn’t get dumped into that old folks home too.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, at the center, richter and tifa are picking cloud up from therapy)

Tifa: “How was Cloud today?”

Koudelka: “He seemed to stay on the chair a little better, but other than that, no improvement.”

Cloud: “I wanna eat sprinkles!”

Tifa: “Oh, Cloud.”

Richter: “Koudelka! How is my greatest grandfather doing in his new home?”

Koudelka: “Oh right. Trevor Belmont. He’s doing fine. He mostly keeps to himself.”

Richter: “My family and I will be coming by to visit this weekend.”

Koudelka: “That’s fine. We’ll see you then.”

(richter, tifa and cloud all leave. yuri comes over)

Yuri: “What was that about?”

Koudelka: “That was one of Trevor Belmont’s relatives. They’re going to come visit him this weekend.”

Yuri: “We didn’t plan on anyone actually *wanting* to visit.”

Koudelka: “I know. You better hide that phony phone.”

Yuri: “Both of them?”

Koudelka: “*Both* of them?”

Yuri: “I found one of those Barbie phones, so I painted that one over too.”

Koudelka: “Nice.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(so, the next day, back in the old folks home, hojo is still sitting by the phone. he looks more haggard than usual and his eyes are bloodshot. he’s been there all night. cid and radius are again watching tv while bugenhagen floats by, swallowing some pills. trevor belmont sits slumped in a chair. dracula is nowhere to be seen)

Hojo: *exasperated* “Hello??? Hello?! No, no, no! For the one thousandth, two hundredth and fifty-sixth time! I don’t care if you claim to be the cookie monster! I do not want any cookies!” *slams down phone* “For the love of god!!! Where am I?!?!”

Bugenhagen: “Ho ho ho! I’m inside the planet! And everything’s glowing!”

Radius: “Quiet down! We’re trying to watch Matlock!”

Cid: “…This episode is scary… But not as scary as that vampire who lives here… I had nightmares all night about him! I don’t know if I can take anymore…”

Radius: “Can it! Ya girl!”

(koudelka and yuri enter)

Yuri: “I’m glad Dracula sleeps during the day.”

Trevor: *perks up* “What’s that you said?”

Yuri: *shifty eyes* “Uh…Cackula…sleeps during the day. My pet bird.”

Koudelka: “…Nice cover.”

Yuri: “Shut up.”

Hojo: *slams down the phone and collapses in tears* “I already know how to count!!!”

Yuri: “…What’s with Dr. Demento over there?”

Koudelka: “I guess that trick phone of yours is slowly driving him inside.”

Yuri: “We have *got* to install some cameras.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(meanwhile, several hours later. it’s night time. alucard is all dressed up nice in modern clothing. he’s in the kitchen, drinking some blood. he looks nervous. sephiroth comes in from outside with two, large empty buckets.)

Sephiroth: “Well, Flamey seems to be doing well. I sure picked out a winning dragon!”

Alucard: “Uh-huh.” *paces and finishes off the glass*

Sephiroth: “And I fed Ceberus – ew. Are you drinking blood again?”

Alucard: “…I kind of have to.” *puts glass in the sink*

Sephiroth: “Well I am *not* kissing you until you get that taste out of your mouth. That is gross!”

Alucard: “……”

Sephiroth: “What’s with you?”

Alucard: “Nothing.” *pause* “I’m going out.”

Sephiroth: “Out? Where?”

Alucard: “Nowhere. Just going to fly around for awhile.”

Sephiroth: “Oh. Another vampire thing, huh? Something else you ‘have’ to do.”

Alucard: “Just because you got rid of my father doesn’t mean you got rid of the part of him in me!”

Sephiroth: “Whoa! What was that about? I knew what you were when I got into this! So if you gotta drink blood and fly around as a bat, I’m not gonna stop you!”

(alucard doesn’t move. sephiroth comes over and puts his arms around him. alucard remains stiff.)

Sephiroth: “…You think you’ll be back late?”

Alucard: “…I don’t know. I don’t think so.”

(and even though he said he wouldn’t, sephiroth gives alucard a quick kiss anyway. alucard looks very distracted. as soon as sephiroth stops kissing him he pulls away and heads for the door. he stops there, but doesn’t turn around)

Alucard: “I won’t be back late.”

(and with that, out the door and into the night he goes…)

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, in loser land, everyone is sitting around watching tv)

Kuja: “I’m still so annoyed that my package sat out there for hours in the cold! I had make-up in there! And now it has to thaw out! And when I called the delivery company to complain, the delivery guy claimed he knocked on the door. Well none of us heard it!”

Seymour: “Good thing you got it. You need all the make-up you can get.”

Kuja: “And you’re beyond help entirely.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! So am I!”

Scarlet: “Hey, Nida. I wonder how Hojo’s doing in that old folks home.”

Nida: “Oh yeah. I wonder why he hasn’t called or anything. I better be able to get Headmaster Cid out of there! Xu said she wants to get back-up pilots for the Garden! I don’t *need* back-up pilots!”

Scarlet: “Uh-huh.”

Nida: “Anyway, I guess maybe we should swing by there tomorrow and check up on him. It’s on the way to the grocery store anyway, and we need to go shopping.”

Heidegger: “I ate everything! Gya haa haa!”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(meanwhile, a few hours later at the strip club, tseng and zidane arrive. the place is packed as usual. they go over to the bar.)

Zidane: “Wow! This place is packed!”

Tseng: “I know.” *leans on the bar* “Hey, Snake. Two beers this way.”

Snake: *tries to blend into the background*

Tseng: “…I can see you.”

Snake: *mutters something and serves them beers* “Ten bucks.”

Tseng: “Here.” *pays*

Zidane: “Wow! Thanks!”

Tseng: “No problem.”

Zidane: “So… How come you didn’t bring Reeve?”

Tseng: *looking down at his drink* “Reeve…doesn’t know about this place.”

Zidane: “What? Why?”

Tseng: “Let’s just say I have my reasons.”

(zidane raises an eyebrow but says nothing. quickly he notices general caraway in his booth with the beautiful women again. his eyes widen)

Zidane: “Whoa! Who’s the high roller over there?”

(he points and tseng looks)

Tseng: “Oh. That’s General Caraway. He owns this place.”

Zidane: “Oh!”

Tseng: “…You know who his daughter is?”

Zidane: “Who?”

Tseng: “Rinoa.”

Zidane: “No way! Does she know her father owns this place?”

Tseng: “I don’t think so.”

(tseng faces the bar and keeps drinking his beer. zidane looks around, taking it all in for a few minutes. then he turns around to talk to tseng again)

Zidane: “So. You think you can find somebody for me to hook up with in here?”

Tseng: “You want *me* to find you somebody?”

Zidane: “Yeah! You tell them you have this cute friend, and then bring them to me!”

Tseng: “Why don’t *you* just go talk to someone?”

Zidane: “Because! I need to learn from the expert first!”

Tseng: *chuckles* “Oh. So I’m the expert, huh?”

Zidane: “You bet you–” *he stops and his eyes suddenly widen* “Whoa.”

Tseng: *looks at him in confusion* “What?”

Zidane: “Uh… Hey, man. Are Sephiroth and Alucard still together?”

Tseng: “Yeah… If they weren’t, I’m sure he would have moved back in by now.”

Zidane: “Um… Then maybe you better turn around.”

(zidane points behind tseng, and so tseng turns around. he immediately gasps. because in the back of the club on one of the couches are alucard and dante, who are, to use one of my favorite expressions, making out like their plane was going down. tseng claps a hand over his mouth and turns back around to face zidane again)

Zidane: “How could he cheat on Sephiroth!? I mean, that guy’s totally hot too, but so is Sephiroth! I would never cheat on Sephiroth! Hey, Tseng – you gonna tell Sephiroth about this?”

(tseng still looks shocked. zidane stares at him for a long moment before he finally shakes it off, looking back at zidane.)

Tseng: “No.”

Zidane: “No?! But I thought you and Sephiroth were friends! Shouldn’t you tell a friend if someone’s cheating on them?!”

Tseng: “This…will work itself out in the end.” *forces a smile* “Now. I thought we came here to have fun?”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(much later that night, back at the old folks home, the place is deserted except for trevor belmont who sits on the couch, staring straight ahead and looking sad. then dracula comes in the room and plops himself down on a chair that is behind the couch so the two men are back to back)

Trevor: *sad sigh*

Dracula: “What’s the matter, friend? Got something on the brain?”

Trevor: *sigh* “I just am at a loss. I do not understand what I did for my family to dump me in this place.”

Dracula: “I hear ya! Well, I kinda know what I did, but I only do it because I love my son!”

Trevor: “I love my son too, but he wasn’t the one who dumped me in here. It was my great-grandson, who I love, and his grandson, who I also love, and his son, who I love too! And I even love the one who I don’t think is even blood related to me! I love my family! We’re a great, strong, proud family! And yet somehow I end up in here.”

Dracula: “I don’t think my son’s girlfriend liked me! She always seemed a little off!”

Trevor: “After all I’ve done for my family… How could they leave me reduced to this?!”

Dracula: “After all I’ve done for my son! How could he dump me with these people who don’t laugh at my jokes?!”

Trevor: “You and I are cut from the same sturdy cloth, my friend! I guess the world doesn’t think they need men like us anymore! But they’ll be sorry!”

Dracula: “Yeah!” *pause* “You know what? I really thought my son loved me…”

Trevor: “I thought my family loved me to.” *sigh* “Oh well. Good night.”

(he gets up and hobbles to his room, not turning back to see who he was talking to. dracula stays there a moment more before getting up and heading down the hallway himself. there he sees cid with a cup of water in hand, heading back to his room. cid sees dracula standing there in all his disgusting, rotting glory and looks terrified.)

Dracula: “Hello!”

Cid: “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” *runs back to his room and slams the door*

Dracula: *cocks head to one side* “…Was it something I said? I thought I was being friendly!”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(meanwhile, back over at sephiroth and alucard’s, alucard has returned home. and, well, he and sephiroth are doing it. i don’t know how else to put it. anyway, alucard is being quite vocal, and everything appears to be going fine…until all of the sudden alucard screams out a name that does not match the name of the person he’s having sex with. it doesn’t match at all. and sephiroth realizes this. he stops and pulls away from alucard, glaring at him. alucard knows what he has done, but is too stunned to do anything but keep laying there…)

Sephiroth: *dangerously* “*What* did you say?”

Alucard: *wide eyes* “……”

Sephiroth: “I don’t remember changing my name to anything that starts with a ‘D’ and ends in ‘ante’!”

(he gets out of the bed and starts putting his clothes back on. he’s extremely angry. alucard finds the strength to sit up)

Alucard: “I’m sorry…”

Sephiroth: “You’re sorry?? You’re sorry?!?! You call out some other guy’s name while we’re having sex and you’re *sorry*?! Where did you *really* go tonight, Alucard? I thought you smelled cheap!”

Alucard: “I didn’t sleep with him!”

Sephiroth: “But you did see him – didn’t you?!”

(sephiroth stands there half dressed, glaring at alucard, who just hangs his head)

Alucard: “…It just happened.”

Sephiroth: “What just happened?!”

Alucard: “…I went to see him at the strip club. …I knew I shouldn’t go, but he wanted me to meet him there so badly, and I *wanted* to go. We were just talking. Then he kissed me. And I knew I should push him away, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to.” *looks up at sephiroth* “I can’t do this anymore.”

Sephiroth: *hand to his head* “I don’t believe this…”

Alucard: “I’m sorry things came to this, but I don’t think either of us has been happy for awhile now. We never even said we loved each other. We’re good as friends. But this part…this part is over.”

Sephiroth: *throws hands in the air* “So this is it?! You think you can dump me for that slut?!”

Alucard: “I’m sorry, Sephiroth. But this was over before your suitcase even passed through the door.”

(sephiroth looks livid. he quickly grabs up the rest of his clothes)

Sephiroth: “After all I gave up for you! You treat me like this?! No one treats me like this! No one! But you want this to be over? Fine! It’s over! I’ll have my stuff out in the morning!” *he goes to the door but then pauses a moment* “…It wasn’t supposed to end this way.”

(And with that he leaves the room, and alucard just puts his head in his hands)

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(the next day is not a very nice day outside. it’s quite cloudy, good weather, i guess, if you’re a vampire…anyway, at the center, koudelka and yuri are standing at the desk looking at something when in troops the whole belmont clan: simon, juste, richter, tifa and franswa. franswa is holding a cake covered in plastic wrap)

Tifa: “That really was very thoughtful of you, Franswa! I’m sure grandpa one will love the cake!”

Franswa: “He sure does love his sugar-free sweets.”

Richter: *steps up to counter* “Ah, yes. I’m Richter Belmont. We’ve come to visit Trevor Belmont.”

Koudelka: “Uh…right. Okay… You can go on back. I’ll be with you in a second.”

(so she watches as they all go back into the center. once they’re gone she turns to yuri)

Koudelka: “I don’t know if anyone else is gonna show up from this family, but if they do, just send them in the back, okay? I’ve been charging them double what I have everybody else and I don’t want to anger them.”

Yuri: “You got it.”

(so she goes in the back. several minutes go by. then nida, scarlet and kuja enter.)

Yuri: “Can I help you?”

Nida: “Yeah. We’re here to see the old man we dropped off.”

Yuri: *points* “In the back.”

(they go in the back. less than a minute later alucard enters with dante…apparently he wastes no time…)

Yuri: *before alucard can open his mouth* “If you’re here to visit, it’s in the back.” *points*

(meanwhile, in the back, the belmonts enter and trevor goes running over to them)

Trevor: “You’ve come for me!! I knew this was just a mistake!”

Juste: “He seems to be rather spry today.”

Trevor: “Don’t talk about me like I’m not here! Now let’s go home!”

Simon: “You’re not coming home! You’re going senile!”

Trevor: “I’m not going senile!! I’m as sharp as I ever was!”

Richter: “Perhaps you don’t remember, but you forgot what vampires were.”

Trevor: “Forgot what vampires were?! How could I ever forget!? I taught you all everything you know about slaying those demons!”

Richter: “But you said–“

Trevor: “I got up on a step stool and opened a cabinet where I thought Franswa was hiding some holy water. …Then everything is kind of hazy…”

Everyone: *looks at franswa*

Franswa: *sweat drops* “I guess one of my pots fell on his head.”

Richter: “We dumped grandpa one in a retirement home for no reason because of your pots?!”

Franswa: *sigh* “Now I’ll never go to cooking school.”

Juste: “Well then! Our apologies! We’ll have to take you home right away!”

Simon: “Damn right!”

Trevor: “It’s going to take more than a simple apology for me to forgive you!”

Koudelka: “Wait – who’s leaving?”

(then nida, scarlet and kuja enter. they see hojo, who is on the other phone)

Hojo: “Ah ha! I found this one hidden away in the closet! This *has* to work!” *dials* “Hello? …What?! ….No! I’m sure your shoes match your purse!!! …No! I don’t care who Midge is seeing now!!! Who is this?!”

Scarlet: “Uh…Hojo? We’re right here.”

(hojo lights up upon seeing them and goes running over)

Hojo: “There you are!! I was trying to call! But the phone was malfunctioning! It kept connecting me to people singing about duckies or yammering on about cookies!”

Kuja: “Maybe you really do belong here.”

Nida: “Where’s Headmaster Cid?!”

Hojo: “He checked himself in this place! So he can check himself out of here!”

Nida: “Great! Where is he then?”

Hojo: “He left! He was so scared of Dracula he just checked himself out this morning.”

Nida: “Great! Then maybe he’ll get his old job back!”

Hojo: “Now get me out of here!”

Richter: “I’m sorry…did you just say the word ‘Dracula’?”

(speaking of dracula, who enters then but alucard and dante. what wonderful timing! alucard and the belmonts look at one another. alucard stops dead and goes to turn around)

Alucard: “Oh great.”

Belmont’s: “VAMPIRE!!!”

Dante: “Hey! Leave the man alone! He just came to get his father!”

Belmont’s: “Father?!”

Koudelka: *hand to head* “I am gonna kill Yuri.”

(Dracula comes wandering in)

Dracula: “Did somebody say the word party?!”

Trevor: “It’s that villainous vampire!! Hurry! Throw holy water at him!”

Simon: *pats sides* “I’m all out!”

Trevor: *slaps him upside the head* “You see what happens?! I’m gone for a few days and you forget everything I ever taught you!”

Alucard: “Look, I just came to get my dad out of here. So if you just let me take him, we’ll be on our way.”

Koudelka: “You’re leaving too?! First the Headmaster guy, then the vampire hunter and now this!”

Hojo: “I’m getting the hell out of here myself.”

Koudelka: *throws hands in the air* “Great! I’m down to two!”

Radius: “Shut up! I can’t hear the TV!”

Bugenhagen: “I can see the colors of the planet! Ho ho ho!”

Richter: “Grandfather one! What should we do about these vampires?!”

Dracula: “Alucard! You came back!” *sees dante* “Who’s this? What happened to your girlfriend?”

Alucard: “Sephiroth and I aren’t seeing each other anymore. This is Dante.”

Dracula: “Dante, huh! Well he’s quite a handsome lad! Welcome to the family, Dante! Now Alucard, I need to send a letter! Did you bring a mailbox?”

Trevor: *paling* “Oh gosh.”

Simon: “What is it, grandfather? Are you all right?”

Trevor: “Last night I was talking to someone about how unhappy I was… I never saw his face… I think… I think it was Dracula.”

Belmont’s: *gasp*

Juste: “Well what should we do then?”

Trevor: *eyes narrow* “We’ll let them go. Just this once. But next time… Next time things will be different!”

Franswa: *sigh* “Are you going to eat this cake or not?”

Trevor: “Yes. When we get home.”

Hojo: “I don’t want to hear another word about baked goods!”

Scarlet: “That’ll be hard with Heidegger around.”

(so scarlet, hojo, nida and kuja leave.)

Alucard: “Come on, Dad. Let’s get your stuff and go home.”

Dracula: “It’ll be good to see the old wooden hut again.”

Alucard: “Dad, we live in a castle.”

Dracula: “Alucard! How could you move without telling me!?”

(he leaves and alucard and dante exchange a look before following him out)

Trevor: “All right, Belmont’s! Let’s get me home!”

(they head out the door, franswa last.)

Franswa: *sigh* “I’m glad I spent all that time putting plastic wrap all over this cake.”

(and so the belmonts leave. and koudelka is left with just radius and bugenhagen. and she does not look happy. moments later, yuri runs in)

Yuri: “Hey – where are all those people going?”

Koudelka: “They’re leaving. With their old people. And their money.”

Yuri: “What? Why?”

Koudelka: “Because apparently they still like them! And now we’ve got all these empty rooms and no geezers to put in them!”

Radius: “Shut up, woman! I can’t hear my stories!”

Bugenhagen: “Ho ho ho! Listen to the story of the planet!”

(koudelka and yuri exchange a look)

Yuri: “Guess it’s back to the drawing board.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back at the ramble room, tseng and reeve are sitting on the porch swing. tseng isn’t looking at reeve)

Reeve: “So. Did you have fun with Zidane at Uncle Shenanigans last night?”

Tseng: “Yeah.”

Reeve: “I wish I could have come. But you know Rufus when he’s got a new building idea in mind.”

Tseng: “Yup.”

(and then they both stop and look as sephiroth comes stomping up with his suitcases in tow. he doesn’t say anything, he just rushes past them and goes inside looking very upset. he slams the door behind him. reeve and tseng are silent for a moment.)

Reeve: “Well. Looks like that fell apart.”

Tseng: “Yeah.”

Reeve: “I told you a week was too generous, honey.”

Tseng: “Yup.”

Reeve: “That’s what happens when you don’t have a relationship built on a strong foundation! It just crumbles to the ground. That’s why it’s important to have someone whose values match your own! You need to have someone you can trust, and someone who’s honest with you! Right, sweetie?”

Tseng: *looking away into the distance* “…Right.”

 

THE END…?

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