Barret: “Hell no! That’ll make me forty! I sure as hell don’t wanna be over no damn hill!”

Originally Published: 1/11/06 . 9 pages

Synopsis
Some of the gang are sick of being stuck as teenagers forever and want Lark to make them age. But some are dead set against this idea! Whose side will Lark choose?

Ramble Milestones
-Everybody ages for the first time ever.

I know this ramble is weird, but I was just so sick of the younger characters never aging so I decided I had to make them finally grow up. And of course I had to explain it. Because that’s the way I do things.

(we open in the ramble room where the whole ramble gang has been gathered. We should know by past experience that this means something big is going to happen. As per the usual, lark isn’t there yet. Everyone is chatting it up when lark enters with Brady, shell and Ashley.)

Barret: “Yo, woman! Why you got us all in here!?”

Seifer: “Yeah! I checked on the internet and Final Fantasy 12 didn’t even come out yet!”

Lark: “Seifer, I’ve told you a million times that I’m not adding anyone else to the ramble room.”

Sephiroth: *mutters* “That doesn’t mean they can’t move into the surrounding area like everybody else.”

Lark: “Anyway, we’re here because we need to have a vote on something.”

Irvine: “Yee haw! I vote yes!”

Lark: “Irvine…give me a chance to explain it to everyone else first.”

Irvine: “Uh, of course.” *smile*

Lark: “Anyway. As you all know, since we’ve come here, none of you have aged. You’re all the same age you were when your game started.”

Reno: “And that’s the way I likes it.”

Irvine: *mutters something nasty*

Reno: “You got somethin’ to say to me, Kinneas?”

Lark: “Reno, please! Let me finish!”

Reno: *frowns*

Lark: “Anyway, Irvine, Zell and Zidane found a way for you to all catch up to where you’re supposed to be. That’s five years of aging.”

Shell: “Yeah. I can’t believe I was 16 when we started here!”

Ashley: “Yeah. We were such jailbait.”

Lark: “All I have to do is want it to happen because I’m the one who brought you all here. It basically happens overnight. You go to bed one night and wake up five years older. Probably the only difference will be your IDs or something.”

Tseng: “Yeah, sure. That’s what you want us to think.”

Lark: *ignores him* “Anyway, I’ve decided I can’t do anything until I know how everyone feels about it, so I decided to have a vote. When your name is called, please say whether you’re for or against it.”

Seifer: “Wait! I have a question!”

Ashley: “What is it, Seifer?”

Seifer: “So I’m gonna go from 18 to 23?! Overnight?!”

Ashley: “Yes, Seifer. 18 plus 5 is 23.”

Seifer: “Cool!”

Sephiroth: “What if we don’t care?”

Lark: “Then just vote yes.”

Sephiroth: “Fine.”

Zell: “Hey! Will this affect the losers too?”

Lark: “Yes.”

Zell: “…Well, then why aren’t they here?”

Lark: “Because I don’t care what they think. Any other questions?” *no one speaks* “Okay. Let’s get started.”

Ashley: “Cloud Strife?”

Cloud: *totally drunk* “Sure…why not?”

Shell: “Tifa Lockhart?”

Tifa: “Sure, I’ll vote yes. I’ll probably get a lot less weird looks being 25 and pregnant, which is what I feel anyway, than being 20 and pregnant.”

Brady: “Barret Wallace?”

Barret: “Hell no! That’ll make me forty! I sure as hell don’t wanna be over no damn hill!”

Lark: “Cid Highwind?”

Cid: “@#$@#$!@%#@^#$^#$^@#%@#$%@^%#$&#%#$!!!!”

Lark: “Okay! Okay! We get it! It’s a no!”

Ashley: “Vincent Valentine?”

Vincent: *sigh* “It matters not to me. So I suppose my vote is a yes.”

Shell: “Yuffie Kisaragi?”

Yuffie: “That’ll make me 21! So yes!”

Brady: “Red?”

Red: *sigh* “Five years on my life is totally insignificant to me. Yes.”

Lark: “Sephy?”

Sephiroth: “Whatever will get me out of here faster. Yes. Fine. Whatever.”

Lark: “Wow. I didn’t think you’d want to turn 43.”

Everyone: “……” *looks at sephiroth*

Sephiroth: “I know! I know! I look great for my age! Can we get on with this nonsense please?”

Ashley: “Okay. Rufus J. Shinra?”

Rufus: “Yes and yes! If I’m 28 I’ll be taken more seriously in the business world, yet still be considered young for a gazillionaire.”

Shell: “Reeve Leander?”

Reeve: “Turning forty? I don’t think so. No.”

Brady: “Tseng Tyutyuik?”

Tseng: “No. Way.”

Lark: “Elena Burch?”

Elena: “Sure!”

Ashley: “Reno Tsunekage?”

Reno: “No f***ing way.”

Shell: “Rude?”

Rude: “Uh…” *gets jabbed in the ribs by reno* “Uh, no.”

Lark: “Squall Leonhart?”

Squall: “Whatever…I guess so.”

Ashley: “Zell Dincht?”

Zell: “Hells yeah baby!!”

Shell: “Rinoa Heartilly?”

Rinoa: “Yeah! Definitely yes!”

Brady: “Selphie Tilmitt?”

Selphie: “Tee hee! Yes!”

Lark: “Irvine Kinneas? Do I even have to ask?”

Irvine: “No you don’t, sugar.” *winks and grins*

Ashley: “Quistis Trepe?”

Quistis: “Yes.”

Shell: “Seifer Almasy?”

Seifer: “Yup! Count me in!”

Brady: “Laguna Loire?”

Laguna: “Hey hey! I gotta keep up with my son! Yes for me!”

Lark: “Ward Zaback?”

Ward: *gives a thumbs up*

Ashley: “Kiros Seagill?”

Kiros: “Ward says no–er, I mean I say no. No!”

Shell: “Zidane Tribal?”

Zidane: “Heck yeah.”

Brady: “Aldelbert Steiner?”

Steiner: “I will agree to this.”

Lark: “Vivi?”

Vivi: “Um…okie dokie.”

Ashley: “Algus Sadalfas?”

Algus: “This change will make me thirty, but I am not afraid to get older. Besides, I will get access to another trust fund. I vote yes.”

Shell: “Auron?”

Auron: “With age comes wisdom. Yes.”

Brady: “Tidus?”

Tidus: “Yes! I don’t wanna be 17 forever!”

Lark: “Lulu?”

Lulu: “Yeah, okay.”

Ashley: “Wakka?”

Wakka: “Sounds okay, ya?”

Shell: “Kimahri?”

Kimahri: “Age matters not to Ronso. Kimahri vote yes.”

Brady: “Locke Cole?”

Locke: “No thanks.”

Lark: “Edgar Roni Figaro?”

Edgar: “Certainly not! And I think this is ridiculous!”

Ashley: “Setzer Gabbiani?”

Setzer: “Yes.”

Edgar: *gasp* “Setzer!”

Setzer: “What? What’s the big deal about being 32? That’s how old you are at home anyway.”

Edgar: “…It’s like I don’t know you sometimes.”

Shell: “And finally…Shadow.”

Shadow: “I know they can see me!”

Everyone: *stares at him*

Shadow: “…Okay.”

Lark: “Well, the votes pretty much say it all…”

Reno: “It’s not fair! Just because most of these people are dumb teenagers–“

Irvine: “Hey! Who are you callin’ a dumb teenager, you geezer?!”

Reno: “Don’t even start with me, Irvine!”

Tseng: “I agree with Reno. It’s not fair! Most of the people here are still kids!”

Zidane: “That’s not true! Plenty of the older people voted yes too! They’re just not as full of themselves as you!”

Tseng: “I am *not* full of myself!”

Zidane: “Oh please!”

Reeve: “Hey! Why is it not okay for us to not want to get older, but it’s all right for you?! What’s your motivation behind that? To get into bars?!”

Irvine: “We’ve been teenagers long enough! I bet you wouldn’t like being 17 for 5 years!”

(then all hell breaks loose and everyone starts yelling at everyone else. Lark, Brady, shell and Ashley stand back, watching in horror.)

Ashley: “What should we do?!”

Shell: “Do something!”

Brady: “Hurry! Before they kill each other!”

(so lark quickly jumps on the couch)

Lark: *yells* “HEY!!! EVERYBODY SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME!!!”

(the room quiets down)

Lark: “Look! I don’t know what the big deal is. Aging is a part of life! Back home, you’re all the right ages! Just because you age five years doesn’t mean you’re going to turn into a group of shriveled old people! You’re going to look the same as you do now! Age is just a number! You’re not going to turn less attractive or get less women, or anything like that! No one’s going to even notice! Now a lot of people here have been stuck being teenagers for a long time. Imagine if you were stuck underage like that! I don’t think you would like it either! Getting older is a big deal for them. It really shouldn’t be for you. Because you won’t even notice!”

(at first there’s no reaction. But then…)

Reno: *sigh* “You’re right. So I turn 30. Big deal. At least now I won’t have to sneak Irvine in the back door of clubs anymore.”

Edgar: “I suppose there are worst things than being 32…”

Reeve: “Or forty.”

Cid: “@#$#@$%@#^$%&^@%@%@#^@#^&$#*@#!”

Tseng: “That’s a good point, Cid.”

Barret: “Yeah! I can still take down any $%^#@$(*$*@# on the block!”

Lark: “That’s the spirit! So enjoy your last day of being whatever age you are – it’s all changing tomorrow!”

(and so everyone files out of the room except for lark, Brady, Ashley and shell.)

Ashley: “You know, I’m really surprised you decided to go through with it.”

Lark: “Well, aren’t you a little weirded out by being so much older than most of the FF8 characters?”

Ashley: “Yeah, you’re right.”

Shell: “Now Rude’s 5 years closer to collecting Social Security.”

Brady: “He’s still way off.”

Shell: “He’ll get there someday.”

THE END