#155 – Lloyd of the Disco

Zell: “Wow! You really do have to like fires to work here!”

Originally Published: 1/24/06 . 37 pages

Rufus opens a discount center for all his failed products, and he makes the Lloyd the manager. Meanwhile, Sephiroth decides to get back at Alucard by pretending to date Lloyd.

Ramble Milestones
-The Disco-center opens.

Ah, the Disco-center. My favorite of all the Rufus business ventures. My favorite Rufus brand product, the Hamcuber, shows up in this ramble as well. This is the first time you really see a lot of Lloyd, which is good, because then even the reader wasn’t quite sure what Sephiroth was getting himself into. The fake sex is my favorite.

(it’s a lovely day in the ramble room. reno, irvine, rude and zidane are standing around, getting coffee…)

Reno: “Did you hear about Sephiroth?”

Rude: “No.”

Irvine: “He and the vampire next door broke up.”

Zidane: “Yeah. Alucard cheated on him.”

Reno: “Really? Ouch.”

Irvine: “Now he’s just sitting in the TV room starin’ at the TV.”

Reno: “He’s been there all night.”

Rude: “Hm.”

Zidane: “Poor Sephiroth… Maybe someone should go talk to him or something!”

(they all look at one another)

Reno: “…Not me. He hates my advice. Where’s Lark? Or Tseng?”

Everyone else: *shrugs*

Rude: “He’s probably feeling really vulnerable right now.”

Reno: “Yeah! You’re right, man! He’ll probably just want to hook up with someone else for revenge!”

Zidane: *eyes widen* “Really??” *cough* “Uh, I guess I’ll go talk to him then.”

(and so zidane takes a cup of coffee and goes into the tv room. sephiroth sits there looking miserable. he’s just staring at the tv looking blank. zidane goes over cautiously. he sits on the couch and offers the coffee)

Zidane: “Hey, Sephiroth. I brought you some coffee.”

Sephiroth: “……”

Zidane: *frowns* “Uh, I’m sorry about you and Alucard.”

Sephiroth: *eyes narrow* “That *slut*.”

Zidane: *eyes widen a little* “Uh, yeah! That slut! This is healthy! Vent away!”

Sephiroth: “He leaves me for the dirty demon stripper?! What has that guy got that I haven’t got?! Except for *diseases*!”

Zidane: “Yeah! That guy’s nothing!”

Sephiroth: “He thinks he can dump me?! No one dumps me! I’ve got plenty of people dying to go out with me!”

Zidane: “I bet you do!”

Sephiroth: “I’ll show him! I can get someone new too! Someone better than him!”

Zidane: “You bet you can!”

Sephiroth: “Yeah!” *pause* “Now who should it be??”

Zidane: “Me!”

Sephiroth: *looks at him* “You??”

Zidane: “Yeah!”

Sephiroth: “…No.”

Zidane: “Why not??”

Sephiroth: “Going out with *you* isn’t going to impress Alucard! I need to go out with someone just like that jerk he’s dating…someone who he can see me with all the time…” *thinks a moment then brightens* “I know just the guy!”

Zidane: *hopefully* “Me??”

Sephiroth: “No!! That jerk’s brother! Lloyd!”


(and so sephiroth returns to the ramble room with zidane to tell his plan to anyone who will listen. little does he know a group of people has gathered there in the meantime. it seems rufus has an announcement. and, with rufus’ track record, everyone there looks nervous)

Sephiroth: “Hey! What’s going on in here?”

Tseng: “Hey, Sephiroth. Sorry about you and Alucard.”

Sephiroth: “Whatever. I’m over that. Why are all these people here?”

Tseng: “Rufus forced us to come here. Apparently he has an announcement.”

Sephiroth: “I thought the apocalypse was supposed to only come once *ever*.”

Tseng: “With Rufus, all types of hell are possible.”

(speaking of rufus, he enters, with a grin like usual. reeve, who is carrying something covered in a cloth, is with him)

Rufus: “Good morning, everyone! I’ve gathered–“

Tseng: “*Forced*.”

Rufus: “…Whatever word you wanna use. Anyway, I’ve gathered you all here to see my latest endeavor! Reeve! Show them!”

(with a sigh, reeve removes the cloth from the object. it’s the model of a building with a sign that reads ‘rufus shinra’s disco-center)

Irvine: “…You’re selling people disco music?”

Reno: “Maybe he’s teaching people how to disco.”

Zell: “Or maybe it’s like a roller disco!”

Rufus: “No! It’s not any of those stupid things! It’s a discount center!”

Tseng: “Then why did you name it *disco*-center?”

Rufus: “The prices are so low you don’t need the ‘ount’ in ‘discount’!”

Tseng: “That’s retarded.”

Zell: “And really ‘unt’ is left off the sigh. Not ‘ount’. ‘Ount’ starts with an O. And the O is on there.”

Rufus: “Whatever!!! Everybody shut up! That’s the name and I’m not changing it! Especially with the grand opening being tomorrow!”

Algus: “I think it’s another fantastic venture, Rufus! Please! Tell us what you’ll be selling this time!”

Rufus: “Why certainly, my friend! At the Rufus Shinra Disco-Center, you’ll be able to purchase a variety of Rufus Shinra brand products at a fraction of the retail cost!”

Sephiroth: “What is it, like all the products that aren’t selling or that are defective in some horrible way?”

Rufus: “…The important thing is, it’s cheap. And people will buy anything that’s cheap!”

Sephiroth: “Uh-huh.”

Tseng: “I am *not* working there.”

Rufus: “That’s fine! I don’t want you working there! I’ve got a fine staff!”

Rude: *frowns* “I want a job.”

Reno: “Dude! What is wrong with you?! Why do you keep wanting to take these extra jobs from Rufus?! You finally bought shoes with your Christmas money!”

Rude: “I’m out of socks.”

Reno: “So what?”

Rude: “It’s winter. And it’s cold.”

Rufus: *sigh* “Fine, Rude. I’ll find a job for you. I’ll just write it off on my taxes as charity again.”

Reeve: “Uh, Rufus? Can you be more careful with your taxes this time?”

Rufus: “They’re not gonna pin me for the same crime twice!”

Reeve: *gulp*

Reno: “Okay, Rufus. This has all been very boring. Can we go now?”

(then lark walks in)

Lark: “Hey guys! What’s going on?”

Zell: “Rufus is opening up a disco-center!”

Lark: *blink blink* “Uh, Rufus? Aren’t you like thirty years too late?”

Rufus: “I don’t have to explain my genius to everyone!”

(he grabs the model out of reeve’s hands and stomps out. algus goes with him)

Lark: “Oh, Sephy! There you are! …I heard what happened. I’m sorry.”

Sephiroth: “News sure gets around, doesn’t it?”

Lark: “I guess. Are you okay?”

Sephiroth: “I’m fine! Never been better! In fact – just wait till Alucard sees me with my new boyfriend!”

(at that moment vincent comes running through the door out of breath)

Vincent: “Sephiroth! There you are! I heard about what happened! You know I’m always here for you.”

Sephiroth: “That’s nice, Vincent, but I’m not using you as my decoy. No one would buy it.”

Lark: “…Decoy?”

Tseng: “What are you talking about?”

Sephiroth: “I’m going to date Dante’s brother Lloyd! That’s sure to make Alucard see what he’s missing! He’ll come begging me to take him back!”

Lark: “Uh, I thought his name was Vergil.”

Sephiroth: “Whatever it is. I don’t care. Anyway, I’m off!”

(he leaves. vincent hangs his head and sighs sadly. lark puts an arm around him)

Lark: “I’m sorry, Vincent.”

Vincent: *sigh* “What have I been holding out for?”

(then auron comes through the door, also out of breath)

Auron: “Vincent! There you are! It is not wise to run off without telling someone where you’re going!”

Vincent: “Sorry.”

Auron: “What was the emergency?”

(vincent sadly heads towards the door)

Vincent: “It was all for nothing…”


(and so sephiroth goes over to dante and lloyd’s condo and knocks on the door. he then waits impatiently, tapping his foot. he can hear some incomprehensible yelling from inside. finally lloyd answers the door.)

Lloyd: “What do you want?”

Sephiroth: “I’m Sephiroth. Remember me?”

Lloyd: “Yeah. I know who you are.”

Sephiroth: “Is your skanky brother here?”

Lloyd: “Yeah.”

Sephiroth: “What about his almost equally skanky new boyfriend?”

Lloyd: “Yeah. They’re in the kitchen. Why the hell do you care?”

(sephiroth doesn’t say anything else. he grabs lloyd by the wrist and drags him over by the entrance to the kitchen. he can hear dante and alucard talking inside. he looks furious for a moment but he shakes that off and turns to lloyd, talking really loud because he wants dante and alucard to hear him)

Sephiroth: *loud and over the top* “Hey, Lloyd–“

Lloyd: “It’s VERGIL, dammit!”

Sephiroth: *frowns* “Whatever.” *back to loud and over the top* “Anyway, Dante’s equally hot brother – would you like to go out with me?”

Lloyd: “What – you think I’m some kinda fairy like my brother??”

Sephiroth: “…You’re kidding, right?”

Lloyd: *frowns* “Okay. Fine.”

Sephiroth: *back to loud and over the top* “Great! Now I have a new and better boyfriend than that slut Alucard!”

(just then dante and alucard appear in the doorway. alucard is frowning.)

Sephiroth: *fake surprise* “Oh! Alucard! I didn’t know you were here!”

Alucard: “Sure you didn’t.”

Lloyd: “Sephiroth and I are dating now.”

Dante: *holding back laughter* “Are you serious?”

Sephiroth: “Yeah! That’s right!”

Dante: *bursts out laughing* “Yeah! You two have fun together!” *more hysterical laughter* “Come on, baby. Let’s go upstairs and give the love birds some privacy!”

(alucard gives sephiroth one last look as he follows the still hysterically laughing dante upstairs. sephiroth and lloyd are both frowning)

Sephiroth: “What the hell is so funny?!”

Lloyd: “He’s just a jerk.” *yells* “You hear that, Dante!? You’re a jerk!”

Sephiroth: “Yeah. He is a jerk.” *pause* “So. What do you want to do?”

Lloyd: “I have to read the employee handbook for the new job I’m starting tomorrow.”

Sephiroth: “And where are you working?”

Lloyd: “I’m the manager for the new Rufus Shinra Disco-Center that’s opening tomorrow.”

Sephiroth: *blink blink* “You’re kidding, right?”

Lloyd: “No. I had to get a new job after I got fired from my old one.”

Sephiroth: “Why were you fired?”

Lloyd: “The fry cooker wasn’t working right! And I just can’t stand it when things don’t go right! So I smashed it into pieces! …And then I was fired.”

Sephiroth: “…Are you kidding *now*?”

Lloyd: “No.”

Sephiroth: *hand to head* “Oh god.”

Lloyd: *looking at the handbook* “There are some tests in the back I have to take and hand in tomorrow.”

Sephiroth: *running a hand over his face* “This plan better work…”

Lloyd: “You gonna help me, or what?!?”

Sephiroth: “In a minute, Lloyd.”

Lloyd: “It’s VERGIL!”

Sephiroth: “WHATEVER!!”


(so the next day is the grand opening of the rufus shinra disco-center. it’s been open for a few hours when reno, elena and tseng walk up to the front entrance. elena is pushing lily in a stroller)

Tseng: “Reno…why do we have to come here?”

Reno: “Because! Rufus might be selling his booze and cigarettes at a fraction of the cost!”

Elena: “If he is there’s probably something horribly wrong with them!”

Reno: “Whatever doesn’t kill me just makes me stronger!”

Tseng: “Cigarettes kill you to begin with.”

Elena: “And so much alcohol isn’t good for you either!”

Reno: “…Look. The less you complain the faster we can get in and out of here.”

(and they go inside. and the store is pretty darn big. there are shelves and shelves and shelves of crap. off to the side are the checkout counters. behind one is nemesis and behind another is franswa. off to the other side is a desk that has a sign reading ‘customer service’ hanging overhead. lloyd is behind that desk. the gang stares at nemesis in shock)

Reno: “Who the hell is that?”

Elena: “*Who*??”

Reno: “You’re right! *What* the hell is that?”

Tseng: “I don’t know, but I’m glad Lily’s asleep.”

Elena: “…Maybe we should go say hi to Franswa.”

Tseng: “Yeah. Good idea.”

(so they all walk over to where franswa looks bored. all of them staring at nemesis in fear the whole time. franswa perks up when he sees them)

Franswa: “Hi, guys!”

Reno: “Hey, dude.” *lowers voice* “What the hell is that thing doing here?” *discreetly points to nemesis*

Franswa: *shudders* “I don’t know. I’m just keeping to myself over here.”

Tseng: “What *are* you doing here?”

Franswa: *sigh* “Rufus offered me the job. I’m trying to save money to go to cooking school. Plus, I thought someone cool would be working here with me. You know, like Zell or something.”

Elena: “Well Rude’s working here!”

Franswa: “I know. But he’s doing stock. So he’s not on the floor much.”

Reno: “Why??”

Franswa: “Rufus said he doesn’t trust Rude not to steal.”

Tseng: “What!?!? That’s ridiculous!”

Franswa: “He also said he didn’t want him to scare away the customers.”

Reno: “Rude scare away customers?! *Rude*? He’s got a guy that makes Frankenstein look like a puppy dog working up front, and he thinks Rude is gonna scare away the customers?!”

Elena: *softly* “Shush!! The freak might hear you!”

Franswa: “I don’t know! I’m just repeating what Rufus said!”

Tseng: “And who’s your manager?”

Franswa: *points* “That guy over there. His name is Vergil.” *whispers* “He’s strange.”

Tseng: “Vergil? Dante’s brother Vergil?”

(they all look over to where lloyd is violently breaking a pen in half)

Lloyd: “Dammit!!! How dare you run out of ink on me?! I won’t let you live!!”

Turks: *blink blink*

Tseng: “Yeah. Strange about covers it.”

Reno: “So, Franswa – you got any booze or cigarettes for sale in here?”

Franswa: “Yeah, but I think the booze got contaminated with a batch of moisturizer.”

Reno: “Is the moisturizer poisonous?”

Elena: “You are *not* buying it, Reno.”

Reno: *sigh* “Fine, *mommy*. Got anything else cool, Franswa?”

Franswa: “Uh…there are some defective Rufus brand condoms in a bin over there.” *points*

Tseng: “Oh. That’s real nice.”

Reno: “Yeah, no. I won’t even use those when they’re supposed to work.”

Elena: “See! We told you there wouldn’t be anything worth buying in here!”

Reno: “Well we should at least see Rude before we go!”

Franswa: “I think he’s in aisle five.”

Reno: “Thanks, man. Catch ya later.”

Tseng: “Good luck.”

Franswa: *looking at nemesis* “I’ll need it.”

(so the gang goes to aisle five where rude is stocking some botox kits.)

Reno: “Hey, man! What up?”

Rude: “Hey. How’s it going?”

Elena: “Franswa told us what Rufus said about you, Rude! That was really mean!”

Rude: “It’s nothing worse than what he usually says to me.”

Tseng: *picks up a botox kit* “Wasn’t this one of Rufus’ original products?”

Rude: “Yeah. I have to put these stickers on them.” *holds out sheet of stickers*

Tseng: *reads stickers* “Rufus Shinra is not responsible for any nerve or tissue damage that may come from using this kit. He is also not responsible for any blue skin patches that may appear.” *pause* “Well, Reeve told him it was dangerous when he put it out.”

Elena: “I can’t believe he’d even think of trying to sell them at all!”

Tseng: *gives her a look* “Elena…”

Elena: “…Okay, fine. I can totally see it.”

Reno: “So. Rude man. You get an employee discount?”

Rude: *dry look* “You’re kidding, right?”

Reno: “Man! Of course I am! We’re still talking about Rufus, right?”

Tseng: “Who would want an employee discount here anyway?”

Rude: “The manager. He’s been stealing those condoms all morning.”

(they all look over where, sure enough, lloyd is stuffing them into his pockets. reno, elena and tseng all look disgusted)

All: “Ew…”

Tseng: “I feel sorry for whoever he’s with.” *pauses and then he remembers and his eyes widen* “Oh god.”


(meanwhile, back at dante’s house, alucard is walking down the hall when he suddenly runs into sephiroth, who is heading down the hall in the opposite direction)

Sephiroth: “You?! What are *you* doing here?? Isn’t it a little early in the morning?!” *frowns* “What, did you sleep over??!?”

Alucard: “*Me*? What are *you* doing here?”

Sephiroth: “What? I’m not allowed to be here?? My boyfriend lives here too.”

Alucard: “Lloyd’s not even here.”

Sephiroth: “So what? He let me in before he went to work. I didn’t stay the night, because, unlike some people who will remain nameless, I don’t sleep with people right away.”

Alucard: *rolls his eyes* “You are being very immature.”

Sephiroth: “Who’s immature? *You’re* immature!”

Alucard: “How am *I* immature?”

Sephiroth: “Well for being 600 you’re pretty immature!”

Alucard: “Look. I’m sorry if you didn’t take the break-up well–“

Sephiroth: “What are you talking about?! I’m not still hung up on you! I’m with someone else now! You’re a thing of the past!”

Alucard: *crosses arms* “You’re *really* dating Lloyd.”

Sephiroth: “Of course! What are you trying to imply?!”

Alucard: *rolls eyes* “Fine. I don’t care what you do.”

(he brushes past him and continues down the hall. sephiroth calls after him)

Sephiroth: “You’re just jealous! Jealous that I found someone just as good as you!”

(alucard is out of sight. just at that moment dante emerges from the same room, entirely shirtless, and chuckling.)

Dante: *laughing* “Yeah! Lloyd is just as good as me! Sure he is!!! Hahahahaha!”

(and sephiroth just glares at him as dante walks on by…)


(back at the disco-center, tseng, reno and elena are gone when rufus enters with his posse which includes algus, zidane, zell, edgar and setzer. zell is pushing mr. jingles in a stroller)

Rufus: “Welcome to my new store, my friends! Let me show you around!”

(everyone looks around and the second they see nemesis everybody freezes)

Zidane: “Ack!”

Zell: “What the…?!”

Edgar: “Goodness!”

Setzer: “Holy crap!”

Algus: *gasp* “Rufus! Rufus! There is a monster running amuck in your store!”

Rufus: *chuckles* “No! Don’t worry, everyone! It’s just Nemesis! He won’t hurt anyone!” *softly* “He better not, because my insurance is already through the roof.”

Algus: *softly* “Why on earth did you hire him??”

Rufus: *softly* “I put an ad in the paper and he showed up! I was too scared of what would happen if I didn’t hire him, so I hired him!”

Algus: *softly* “I completely understand.”

Zell: “Hey! It’s Franswa!” *taps rufus on the shoulder* “Hey, Rufus! Can I go talk to Franswa?”

Rufus: “Yeah, sure. Whatever. Just don’t let the scary employee eat Mr. Jingles or anything.”

(zell happily goes over to franswa stroller and all)

Zidane: *frowns* “Can I go too?”

Algus: “No. I need you to hold the end of my cape.”

Zidane: *annoyed sigh* “Why? You make me wash your capes every night anyway!”

Algus: “If you don’t hush up it’ll be twice a night!”

Rufus: “Okay, friends! Come this way!”

(they go deeper into the store. meanwhile, over to franswa and zell…)

Zell: “Hey, Franswa!”

Franswa: “Oh! Hi, Zell.”

Zell: “How’s business?”

Franswa: “It’s okay, I guess. Did you come with Rufus?”

Zell: “Yeah! He’s giving his pals a tour of the store!” *pause* “Heh. That rhymed. So, does your family know you’re working here?”

Franswa: “I told them, but I don’t know if they were listening or not. They were too busy calling America’s Most Wanted and trying to get them to put Dracula’s info on TV.”

Zell: “Why? They know where Dracula is already.”

Franswa: “I don’t know. I don’t understand them. I just am forced to watch.”

Nemesis: *turns around to them* “STARS!”

(zell and franswa both freeze. nemesis turns back around and fiddles with his cash register. zell and franswa exchange a look)

Franswa: *softly* “I am so scared of that guy. I almost want to call my family and see if it’s something they want to kill.”

Zell: *softly* “I’m just glad Mr. Jingles is asleep and doesn’t have to see it!”

(then lloyd comes over holding a broken clipboard.)

Lloyd: “Franswa! No chatting with the customers!”

Zell: “I’m not a customer! I’m a friend of Rufus’!”

Lloyd: *looks zell up and down* “Oh yeah?” *looks a mr. jingles* “And what’s that?”

Zell: “That’s Mr. Jingles!”

Lloyd: “…It’s a stuffed bear.”

Zell: “Yeah. And your clipboard is broken.”

Lloyd: *frowns* “It didn’t want to bend in the right way. But I took care of that!! Didn’t I! Stupid clipboard!”

(he stalks off. franswa and zell exchange a look)

Zell: “Boy. You sure do work with a bunch of weirdos.”

Franswa: *sigh* “Tell me about it.”

(meanwhile, rufus has started to give his tour.)

Rufus: “This is aisle one, where we keep the slightly irregular food and beverage products.”

Zidane: “Slightly irregular?! That lemonade is green!”

Rufus: “Yeah… I don’t know what the hell happened there.”

Setzer: “And that beer looks like it’s got white creamy stuff floating in it.”

Edgar: “Oh that is just vulgar, Setzer!”

Setzer: “But it does!” *points*

Edgar: *looks* “Ew. So it does.”

Rufus: “That’s just moisturizer!”

Zidane: “You’re selling people beer with moisturizer in it?! Won’t that make them sick?”

Rufus: “At this store you have to sign your receipt, therefore signing away your right to sue!”

Algus: “Rufus, your business smarts are top notch!”

Rufus: “I know! Anyway, moving on to aisle two…here we have appliances!”

Setzer: “This aisle sure is overflowing.”

Rufus: “Yeah. Most of this stuff didn’t pass the safety testing.”

Zidane: *looking at a box* “What the hell does the Rufus Brand Hamcuber do?”

Rufus: “Turns hamburgers into cubes.”

Zidane: *blink blink* “…Why would you even wanna *do* that?”

Rufus: “Who cares? It’s 7.99!”

Setzer: “It’s also got a sticker on the box that says the wiring has been known to cause house fires.”

Rufus: “For only 7.99 you’ll have plenty of money to buy a new house!”

Algus: “Quite right, Rufus! You’re a whiz-bang salesman!”

Zidane: *mutters* “I think he’s a whiz-bang jerk.”

Edgar: “Oh, Rufus? There are sparks coming from that box of Rufus brand self-starting fireworks.”

Rufus: *nervous smile* “I guess you can see why that never went on the market.” *yells* “Fire in aisle two!”

(no response)

Rufus: *frowns and yells louder* “I SAID FIRE IN AISLE TWO, YOU IDIOTS!”

(then nemesis comes stomping down the aisle, a bucket in hand. he stands in front of rufus and glares down at him)

Rufus: *sweat drops* “Heh. Thank you.”

Nemesis: “STARS!!”

(and with that he tosses the water in the bucket onto the box. the box stops sparking. nemesis then turns and stomps away, going back to his register)

Algus: “…I hope you have an alarm system on your room.”

Rufus: “I have five.” *long pause* “Uh, anyway! Let’s move on to the next aisle, shall we?”

(they go into aisle three, which contains jewelry.)

Rufus: “Welcome to the jewelry aisle!”

Zidane: “How can jewelry be defective?”

Rufus: “I think most of the gems are missing. Or fake.”

Setzer: “What are these?” *points to display*

Rufus: “I think they’re earrings.”

Setzer: “But there’s nothing to put through your ear.”

Rufus: “For 3.99 who gives a damn!”

Zidane: “Ew! The the jewelry in this case has turned the paper underneath all moldy!”

Rufus: “Yeah… I think that special coating is illegal now in most countries…”

Algus: “Like it matters! Peasants will be happy to have anything that remotely sparkles.”

Zidane: “Wow. You’re such an ass.”

Algus: “What was that, Zidane?”

Zidane: *mutters* “I dunno. I think Edgar said it.”

Edgar: “Pardon?”

Rufus: “Anyway, let’s see what’s for sale in aisle four!”

(in aisle four are a bunch of rufus brand clothing and shoes.)

Zidane: “Oh. Well. How bad can this stuff be?”

Setzer: “These shoes have holes in them.”

Rufus: “People like sandals!”

Setzer: “The hole is underneath the shoe.”

Edgar: “Now, now, Setzer! You’re being quite critical of Rufus’ products!”

Setzer: “Sorry, Rufus. But it’s kind of hard not to notice.”

Zidane: “What’s wrong with this jacket?” *he picks it up and the sleeves fall off and fall to the floor* “Oh.”

Algus: “You can only dream to own clothing this nice!”

Zidane: “I think nudists wear nicer clothing.”

Algus: “That’s preposterous! Nudists don’t wear clothing!”

Zidane: “Exactly.”

Rufus: “Next in aisle five, we have the cosmetics!”

(they go into the next aisle, which is mostly full of botox kits)

Zidane: “Well, this stuff is just as unsafe as Reeve thought it would be.”

Rufus: “That botox kit works great!”

Zidane: “It says it gives you blue skin!”

Rufus: “Some people want blue skin!”

Zidane: “Like who?! The smurfs!?”

Algus: “Zidane! Stop talking back to Rufus!”

Edgar: “…Something in this aisle is making me quite dizzy…” *stumbles*

Rufus: “Yeah. That would be the contaminated cologne. I don’t know what it smells like, but it’s not sex.”

Zidane: “Yeah. Burning and sex just don’t smell the same.”

Setzer: *catching a woozy edgar* “Maybe we better go to the next aisle.”

(so they go to the last aisle.)

Rufus: “And finally we have aisle six! The electronics aisle!”

Algus: “Ah! I see you have some bargain priced XCubeStations!”

Zidane: “And some more of those stickers about the house fires.”

Rufus: “I learned that you really can’t use cheap wiring.”

Setzer: “That’s a good lesson to learn.”

Rufus: “Yeah. Luckily I just decided to produce one shipment of those. But it’s not so lucky for those bargain hunters! One of these will only set you back 49.99!”

Edgar: “Hm. That is reasonable.”

Algus: “I’ll say! This store really is the kind of place peasants dream of!”

Zidane: “There’s more smoke coming from aisle two.”

Rufus: “Dammit!” *yells* “FIRE IN AISLE TWO!”


(meanwhile, back at the ramble room, auron and vincent are sitting alone in the ramble room. Vincent is slumped down looking very depressed. Auron is sitting next to him quite closely…)

Vincent: *sad sigh*

Auron: “Vincent, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but he has broken up with that man and still does not want you back.”

Vincent: “…I know.”

Auron: “I know this is hard for you to accept, but you must move on with your life.”

Vincent: “I know.”

Auron: *long pause* “So. …Do you think it might finally be all right if we went out sometime?”

Vincent: “………………………………Yes.”

Auron: “…Really?”

Vincent: “That would be…acceptable.” *he gets up* “I’m sorry, but I’m rather tired. I’m going to take a nap.”

Auron: “Sleep well.”

(vincent leaves the room. Auron smiles widely.)

Auron: “They do say patience is a virtue…”


(later that day it’s dinner time over at dante and lloyd’s condo. at the table we have alucard, dante, lloyd and sephiroth. so yeah! this’ll be a meal to remember. they’re all eating chinese food with chopsticks in silence. sephiroth keeps glaring at alucard and lloyd keeps glaring at dante…)

Sephiroth: “I see your new boyfriend doesn’t know how to cook.”

Dante: “So what? I’m gifted in more important areas.” *grins at alucard* “Right, Alucard?”

Lloyd: “You’re a loser, Dante!”

Dante: “Shut it, Lloyd. How was your first day of work at your new loser job?”

Lloyd: “My name is Vergil, you dipsh*t!”

Sephiroth: “So, Alucard… Haven’t you been home yet to check on your dad?”

Alucard: “Death’s been home, so he’s been keeping an eye on him.”

Sephiroth: *frowns* “Oh. How convenient. I’m outta the picture and suddenly Death’s around to babysit.”

Dante: “You know, Sephiroth…for someone dating Lloyd you’re sure talking to Alucard a lot.”

Lloyd: “My name is f*$^ing VERGIL, Dante!”

Sephiroth: “I just asked a simple question. Of course I plan on talking to Lloyd.”

(he pauses for a long moment. he clearly doesn’t want to talk to lloyd but he turns towards him anyway)

Sephiroth: “So. Lloyd.”

Lloyd: “My name is VERGIL! Dammit!”

Sephiroth: *forces a smile* “Right. Vergil. Right. So! How was your first day of work?”

Lloyd: “Things kept catching on fire.”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, that sounds like something run by Rufus.”

Lloyd: “But it was okay, I guess.” *he picks up a pea with his chopsticks but it falls out* “Damn chopsticks! You’ve dropped your last pea!” *snaps the chopsticks in half*

Dante: “Nice going, Lloyd! Now you have to use a fork like the loser you are.”

Lloyd: *getting up* “It’s VERGIL, you pompous ass!”

(he storms out of the room. dante snickers. alucard looks uncomfortable. sephiroth looks annoyed)

Dante: “Well! Now that the dead weight is outta the room.” *pause* “…Oh wait. Sephiroth’s still here.”

Sephiroth: *clenches fists* “You wanna say that to my face, *Dante*?”

Dante: “You heard me the first time.” *he gets up with his plate* “I need to go to work. Coming along, Al?”

Alucard: *getting up with his plate* “Definitely.”

(they leave the room. lloyd reenters with a fork. it’s already bent in an odd direction)

Lloyd: “Damn fork! No one gets away with poking me!! No one!!”

Sephiroth: *puts a hand to his head*


(meanwhile, next door at the belmonts, franswa is returning home from work. he’s got bags of groceries in hand)

Franswa: “I’m home!”

Richter: *comes stomping in* “Franswa! There you are! Where were you?!”

Franswa: “I told you I got a new job!”

Simon’s voice: *from the next room* “You have a job! It’s called killing vampires!”

Franswa: “I am not going through this with you people again! I have a *real* job now! And I’m not even a real Belmont! Leave me alone!”

(he stomps off and richter heaves a sigh as juste comes into the room)

Juste: “What’s all that racket?”

Richter: “Nothing! Just Franswa! Going on about he’s not a real Belmont.”

Juste: “What makes him think that?”

Richter: *blink blink* “He’s not my son. Remember?”

Juste: “Oh. Right. That whole thing with the uh…baker.” *frowns*

Richter: “Father…are you all right?”

Juste: “Huh? Oh! I’m fine, Richter. Just fine!”

(he hobbles off, but richter stands there for a moment looking a bit confused…)


(hours later, back over at the condo, it’s pretty late at night. sephiroth sits on the couch looking really bored while lloyd plays some video game. he’s all into the game and is moving his body around in the direction he moves the controller. you know what i’m talking about. he also makes sound effects along with the game)

Lloyd: “Ka-BOOM! Take that!! Hahahaha!”

(suddenly there’s the sound of a door slamming from below. sephiroth perks up)

Sephiroth: “What was that?”

Lloyd: “Dante the jerk is home from his night of being groped.”

Sephiroth: *jumps up* “Hurry! Shut that off!”

Lloyd: “What?! Why?!”

(sephiroth grabs lloyd by the arm and pulls him to his feet. he then starts dragging lloyd towards his room)

Sephiroth: “We have to pretend we’re having sex!”

(they go into the room and sephiroth slams the door)

Lloyd: “What?”

Sephiroth: “I want them to think we’re having sex!”

Lloyd: “Oh. Well, I wanna be on top.”

Sephiroth: “What?!?!”

Lloyd: “I wanna be on top!”

Sephiroth: “Are you kidding me?! I’m not taking it from you! You’re a loser!”

Lloyd: “Hey! Then why did I steal all these condoms from work?!”

(and with that he dumps a bunch of the rufus brand condoms on the bed. sephiroth recoils in horror)

Sephiroth: “Oh my god! Are you kidding me?! I don’t even wanna look at those things, let alone use them!”

Lloyd: *sigh* “I guess I have others lying around…but I think they expired…”

Sephiroth: “Look! I don’t wanna actually have sex with you! I just wanna pretend! So play along!”

(sephiroth listens at the door and hears footsteps coming closer, so he starts to moan really fakely)

Sephiroth: *fake moaning* “Oh, Lloyd! Oh, Lloyd!!”

Lloyd: “My name is VERGIL, you piece of sh*t!”

(cut outside to dante and alucard who are standing outside the door just looking confused)

Sephiroth’s voice: “You dumbass! They’ll hear you! I said to play along!”

Dante: *turns to alucard* “I can’t believe you dated him.”

Alucard: *sighs sadly and shakes his head*

(dante and alucard go into dante’s room and shut the door. back in lloyd’s room, sephiroth is listening at the door again and he hears dante and alucard walk away. he looks pissed)

Sephiroth: “Dammit!”

Lloyd: “So. …You really wanna have sex now?”

Sephiroth: “No, Lloyd! I’m going home.”

(he opens the door and storms out. lloyd runs after him to the top of the stairs)

Lloyd: “It’s *VERGIL*!!!!!”


(the next morning. sephiroth is back over at dante and lloyd’s house. alucard is there as well, and the four of them are sitting around sipping coffee. there’s a lot of glaring going on…)

Sephiroth: “Sorry if Lloyd and I disturbed anyone while we were having sex last night.”

Dante: *smirk* “No, your fake sex didn’t disturb our real sex at all.”

Sephiroth: *frowns* “It wasn’t fake!”

Dante: “Uh-huh. And my brother yelled at you for calling him the wrong name in the middle of sex? Oh yeah! And I think he called you a piece of sh*t too.”

Sephiroth: *glares* “Well, sometimes the wrong name can just come out of your mouth during sex. Alucard would know all about that.”

Alucard: *frowns*

Lloyd: “We didn’t have sex! You said you didn’t wanna have sex with me and that I was a loser!”

Dante: “Well you are.”

Lloyd: “Shut up, Dante!”

Sephiroth: *glares at lloyd* “Lloyd, I was just joking.”

Lloyd: “Holy crap! My name is VERGIL! It’s f@%^ing VERGIL!”

Sephiroth: “Does anyone call you Vergil?! Really!? Because if there’s someone who actually calls you by that name I’d like to meet them!”

Dante: “No one does because he has no friends.”

Lloyd: “F#&% you, Dante!” *gets up* “I have to go to work.”

(and with that he stomps out of the room and they all hear him slam the door on his way out.)

Dante: “Aw. Now he’s all upset. Maybe you better go visit your boyfriend at work, Sephiroth.”

Sephiroth: “Maybe I will!”

(and then he stomps out. dante turns to alucard)

Dante: “This is funny! I almost hope they keep this up awhile, just so I have something to laugh about!” *laughs* “Hey, babe – it must be nice to know he wants you back so bad. Too bad he still doesn’t realize who he’s trying to compete with!”

(but alucard says nothing. he just sighs and stirs his coffee.)


(meanwhile, back at the disco-center, rufus shows up with zell and zidane. zidane does not look happy)

Zidane: “I can’t believe Algus! He goes out of town, and then loans me to Rufus! Like I’m an object to be passed around! And if I’m going to be passed around, I don’t want it to be for cleaning!”

Rufus: “Hush up. Algus told me you were quiet.”

Zidane: “Algus lied.”

(rufus goes over to the customer service desk where lloyd is)

Rufus: “Good morning, Vergil.”

Lloyd: “See!?! See!?! People do call me Vergil!” *pause* “Dammit, where the hell is Dante when you actually *want* him around?!”

Rufus: *blink blink* “…Okay. Anyway, there, uh, haven’t been anymore…problems today, have there?”

Lloyd: “You mean fires?”

Rufus: “…Yes.”

Lloyd: “We had three. But I have everything under–” *notices something in the distance* “DAMMIT! Who the HELL moved that pricing gun?! I’m the manager! NO ONE moves things without my damn approval!”

(he stalks off, leaving rufus looking a bit stunned)

Zell: “He curses a lot like Cid, but he actually uses words too.”

Rufus: “He better not curse like that around the customers!”

Zell: “Hey, Rufus?”

Rufus: “What is it?”

Zell: “Um, I was wondering… Can I have a job here?”

Rufus: *annoyed sigh* “Zell. I’m at full staff already. Besides, Mr. Jingles needs your full attention.”

Zell: “But–“

Rufus: *walking away* “Hey! Vergil! No one walks away from Rufus J. Shinra and doesn’t come back!”

(he leaves. zell sighs and looks sad)

Zidane: “Man, what the hell is wrong with you?! Why do you wanna work for Rufus all the time?!”

(zidane then looks over to where franswa is ringing up customers and it dawns on him)

Zidane: “Ohhhhhh! I get it! You wanna work here because Franswa works here!”

Zell: “Huh?”

Zidane: “You just wanna be close to Franswa! Right?”

Zell: “No!”

Zidane: “Yes you do! Why else would you wanna work here?”

Rufus: *running by* “Fire in aisle six!!!!”

Nemesis: *on his heels* “STARS!”

Zell: “Um…maybe I just like putting out fires!”

Rufus: *running by* “Where’s the bucket?!”

Nemesis: *following rufus* “STARS!”

Zidane: “No way. You wanna work with Franswa.”

Zell: “Well, he is my friend. But that’s not why I wanna work here!”

Zidane: *rolls eyes* “Sure it’s not.”

(then reno walks in.)

Reno: “Hey, guys!”

Zell: “Hey, Reno.”

Zidane: “Hey.”

Rufus: *running back with a bucket* “More water! More water!”

Nemesis: *following him with a bucket* “STARS!”

Reno: “What the hell…??”

Zidane: “Don’t ask.”

Reno: “Anyone seen Rude?”

Rude: *walking over with a huge box* “Hey.”

Reno: “Hey, dude. You guys get in any beer or cigarettes that aren’t totally disgusting?”

Rude: “Well, we had some cigarettes, but they got caught up in one of the fires this morning. So basically they’re ashes now.”

Reno: “Well I can’t smoke that. You got anything else cool?”

Rude: “I’ll check. Help me with this box.”

(reno and rude grab the box and go off. then sephiroth walks inside, looking rather surly)

Zell: “Hey look! It’s ‘Roth!”

Zidane: “Hey, Sephiroth! What are you doing here? I thought you said you were allergic to anything Rufus related.”

Sephiroth: “I am. Unfortunately this is where my fake boyfriend works.”

Zidane: “Oh yeah! That loser Vergil!”

Sephiroth: “Who? Oh right. Yeah. Him. I can’t believe some people actually call him Vergil.”

Zidane: “That guy’s a weirdo! I can’t believe you’d pick him over me!”

Sephiroth: “He’s Dante’s brother! Therefore by dating him I can be around Alucard more! That’s why I picked him!” *pause* “And at the time, he didn’t seem like such a freak.”

(they all look over to where rufus stands yelling at lloyd. a broken xcubestation in front of them)

Rufus: “What is the meaning of this?! Why did you throw this on the floor?!”

Lloyd: “Because! It hit me in the arm as I was walking by! No one does that to me and gets away with it!”

Rufus: “It’s an inanimate object! You probably walked into it, you idiot!”

Lloyd: “Hey! No one calls me an idiot and escapes my wrath!”

Rufus: “I’m your boss! I can call you whatever I want! And no one gets wrath around here but me! Now get this off the floor! It’s coming out of your paycheck!”

(sephiroth, zell and zidane turn back to look at one another again)

Zidane: “You got a real winner there.”

Sephiroth: “Shut up.”

(lloyd passes by with the broken xcubestation)

Lloyd: “Sephiroth?! What are you doing here?”

Sephiroth: *phony smile* “I came to see my boyfriend at work.”

Lloyd: “Oh. You want me to pick up more of those Rufus brand condoms?”

Sephiroth: “No!” *clears throat* “Um, I’ll see you at home for dinner later.”

Lloyd: “Yeah. Okay.”

(he goes off. sephiroth’s fake smile fades)

Zidane: “How much longer are you gonna keep this up?”

Sephiroth: “Long enough for Alucard to see he’s made a big mistake!”

Zidane: “Well, Alucard is immortal so… I think you’ll be waiting a long time.”

Sephiroth: “Shut up!” *sniffs air* “…Is something burning?”

Rufus: *running by* “Fire in aisle three!!”

Zell: “Wow! You really do have to like fires to work here!”

(no one says anything)

Sephiroth: “I’m glad no one’s here to make a joke about how I should work here then.”

Zell: “Oh yeah! ‘Cause you set that town on fire!” *laughs*

Sephiroth: “Zell…go away.”

(then reno and rude come back)

Reno: “Everything in this store sucks or has been in a fire.”

Rude: “Or *is* on fire.”

(rufus comes running back, ash all over him)

Rufus: “Rude! What are you doing over here?! Why aren’t you helping put out the fires?!”

Rude: “I’m stock. You told me I’m supposed to stay in the back as much as possible.”

Rufus: “That doesn’t sound like me!”

Rude: “You said if you wanted someone ugly to interact with the customers you’d just hire an ogre.”

Rufus: “Don’t put words in my mouth! You’re fired!”

Rude: *sigh* “Fine.”

(rufus runs off.)

Reno: “So you wanna get drunk?”

Rude: “Yeah.”

Reno: “See you all later.”

(they leave. zell looks thoughtful a moment…)

Zell: “Hey, Rufus! Can I have Rude’s job?”

Rufus’ voice: “No!! Now everybody grab a bucket!!”

Lloyd’s voice: “I told you those XCubeStations were trouble!!”

Rufus’ voice: “Don’t break them! They’re still good! I’ll just lower the price!”

Nemesis’ voice: “STARS!!”

Sephiroth: “…You two have fun. I am out of here.”


(later that day lloyd is home from work. he’s home and is sitting on the couch watching tv. sephiroth is sitting on the couch too, at the far end. alucard and dante aren’t around)

TV annoucer: “Have a fiend problem?! Then call Bahamut.”

Guy: “Your prices are too high, Bahamut!”

Bahamut: *loud screeching noise*

Guy: “Oh god! The humanity! Give him whatever he wants!!”

TV announcer: “Bahamut. He kills sh*t dead.”

TV annoucer #2: *quietly* “Bahamut now comes in regular, neo and zero.”

Sephiroth: “What’s next? Bahamut with a hat?”

(then all of the sudden they are interrupted by very loud moaning coming from upstairs. they both look up at the ceiling. the noises continue and as they get more and more intense sephiroth looks more and more angry.)

Lloyd: “You suck in bed, Dante!! Now knock it off!!”

Sephiroth: “THAT’S IT!!”

(now fuming, sephiroth gets and stomps up the stairs to dante’s room. lloyd follows. sephiroth goes to the door of dante’s room and starts banging on the door)

Sephiroth: “You slut, Alucard! You skank! You whore! Alucard!!! You dirty cheater!!!”

Lloyd: “Yeah! And you suck too, Dante!”

(a moment later the door opens, and alucard stands there in a robe, glaring at sephiroth.)

Alucard: “That’s it. We have to talk.”

Sephiroth: “About what?! About how you’re a whore?!”

Alucard: “STOP IT!”

(his yelling catches sephiroth off guard. he kind of slinks back a little and is quiet)

Alucard: “This isn’t even about me, Sephiroth! This is about your pride! You don’t care that we’re not together anymore! You’re just mad that I’m the one who left you! I’m happy with Dante and I’m not going back to you! Now stop this charade and accept it like an adult!”

(there’s a long moment of silence. for a moment sephiroth looks blank, but then he heaves a sigh…)

Sephiroth: “Fine. I still *hate* who you’re with now, but hey — it’s your funeral.”

Alucard: “I’ll take that as your acceptance.”

Sephiroth: “Fine.”

Alucard: “So can we be friends then? We were good as friends.”

(sephiroth squeezes his eyes shut for a moment. he then opens them and shrugs)

Sephiroth: “Sure.”

Alucard: “Good. Well, I hope you have a good night.”

(and with that he goes back into dante’s room and shuts the door. sephiroth just stands there looking a bit defeated)

Lloyd: “So. …You wanna have sex now?”

Sephiroth: “NO!”

(he turns and stomps away)

Lloyd: *runs after him* “Hey! I thought we were going out!”

Sephiroth: “Consider us broken up, Lloyd!”

(he leaves, slamming the door behind him)



(the next morning, sephiroth walks into the ramble room where others have gathered, including rufus, reno, tseng, and zell)

Sephiroth: “Well, it’s over! Alucard and I are friends and that weirdo Lloyd can stay away from me forever.”

Tseng: “Glad to hear you kind of came to your senses.”

Zell: “So Rufus – did the Disco-Center burn down yet?”

Rufus: “No! And it’s doing well! And it’s getting more and more products daily, so everyone should check it out!”

Reno: “That’s because more and more of your products suck.”

Rufus: “Shut up, Reno.”

Tseng: “I just find it ironic that your new business venture keeps catching on fire after you purposely burned your last one down.”

Rufus: “You shut up too, Tseng!”

Sephiroth: “Well, I’ll leave you all to be boring.”

(and with that he leaves the room and goes out into the hallway. there he sees vincent and auron. he kind of scoffs for a moment until he sees auron take vincent by the hand. vincent smiles at auron and they go off down the hallway together. at first sephiroth’s eyes get wide and his jaw drops, but after a moment the shock turns to anger and he glares at where they once stood…)


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