#149 – Three Heads Are Better Than One

Irvine: “Dude… I must be wasted… ‘Cause I’m seein’ double!”

Originally Published: 12/12/05 . 23 pages

Synopsis
After Nida messes up Hojo’s experiment, there are three different Brady’s are running around the ramble room! Can the losers set things right again?

Ramble Milestones
-D’s first appearance.

“Brady” said he wanted to write a ramble. And since he often helped me out and I liked his idea, I said sure. He then dragged his ass and took forever to write it, so I finally had to step in and help him finish it. I enjoy the results, although like with every ramble I didn’t write completely, there are lines that make me…well, I don’t wanna say cringe, because that’s not the right word. But there are lines I would have never written because they don’t quite fit my vision of the character. But I let this stuff slide. I’ve never had something be so out of character I had to change it. My favorite part is the ending, which wasn’t intended and was a matter of trying to get the ramble done and kind of forgetting about those characters and what they were doing. But honestly it worked out for the better, because that should have been what was going to happen from the beginning.

(We begin in the TV room and currently present are Lark, Brady, Rufus, Sephiroth, Vincent, Auron, Reeve, Algus and Zidane. Everyone except Lark and Brady stand in the doorway, looking at Brady. On the tv is of course the New York Yankees, which Brady and Lark seem to be interested in as they sit together holding hands. And so it seems like another ordinary day in the ramble room…as normal it can be at least.)

Sephiroth: *looking annoyed as he stares at Brady on the couch* “C’mon! Somebody here has to have a good idea on how to get rid of him! I mean look at him, he’s not even one eighth as attractive as me.”

Rufus:  “While rare, I have to agree with you, Sephiroth. I mean he’s so poor, he doesn’t own a mansion, a rocketship, or anything. I mean he can barely afford to rent out his room here.”

Reeve: “Well first off you’re lucky Lark doesn’t know about that and second off maybe you shouldn’t charge him 500 gil a week.”

Rufus: “He’s getting it for a steal! I usually charge a 1,000.”

Algus: “That is rather generous of you, Rufus, letting peasant trash like him even enter this wonderful place.”

Sephiroth: “Ugh! Them cuddling is just so gross! She could do so much better…HELL she has done so much better!”

Vincent: “Um, Sephiroth did you ever stop to consider that maybe he makes her happy and that is why she is with him?”

Sephiroth: “Vincent, the men are having a discussion here. Nobody wants to hear your opinion.”

Vincent *looks downtrodden and sighs heavily*

Reeve: “Vincent makes a good point. Lark is marrying him for a reason. She seems a lot happier now and just more cheery overall.”

Rufus: “Reeve, I brought you here to help us formulate a plan in getting rid of him, not to defend the idiot. So come on already, use that great brain of yours and come up with something.”

Auron: “They say happiness is marrying your best friend.”

Sephiroth: “Did you hear something? I thought I heard an annoying and obnoxious wind blow by. Maybe the wind should shut the hell up.”

Algus: *looking at his diamond encrusted rufus brand watch, a present from Rufus* “Unfortunately I must go, there are some cleaning tasks that need to get done and my slave here must complete them in order for his pay this week.”

Zidane *looking annoyed and sarcastically* “Yay, Twizzlers.”

Algus: “Another outburst like that and it’s back to Skittles found on the floor of a movie theatre. Now come along.”

(Algus and Zidane leave)

Rufus: “Alright back to the task at hand! Anything yet, Reeve?”

Reeve: “Lark’s happy and I refuse to be a part of anything that might take that away from her. I’m leaving.”

(He turns and leaves)

Sephiroth: “What the hell is wrong with people?! Why do they think she’s happy!? Where do they get these crazy ideas?! I mean what could bring her more joy than combing my silky hair?! She barely even listens to me when I ask her to do it!

Vincent: “I’d still do it for you, Sephiroth. All you need to do is ask.”

Sephiroth: “Oh how wonderful, I can choose between Lark combing my hair or Dr. Claw over here.”

Vincent: “Hey-“

Rufus: “Geez, this is becoming more and more of a problem as we speak. You know I didn’t want things to get messy but maybe we have to take more drastic measures.”

Sephiroth: “Like what do you have in mind?”

Rufus: “Well you have that huge sword…”

Sephiroth: “I will not taint my masamune with the blood of that village idiot. Why don’t you assign the Turks to kill him? After all they are your enforcers.”

Rufus: “I could, but we need to see who isn’t on any assignments currently.”

Sephiroth: “Don’t they just sit around all day in their office wishing they had a working microwave?”

Rufus: “Well usually, but right now they’re busy cleaning out the septic system of my underwater sealab bungalow.  I’ll see who I can pull off that job.”

(Sephiroth and Rufus leave while they continue to discuss the problem that is Brady, when Brady looks back.)

Brady: “Well they’re finally gone, babe. I wonder if they realized we could hear them?”

Lark: “Probably not.” *she looks at him lovingly* “So what do you want to do for lunch?”

Brady: “Well I could go for some Ellio’s pizza…”

Lark *hops up* ”Nah, I’ll get it this time. You just relax.”

(Lark kisses Brain on the lips quickly and walks toward the kitchen area and just as she is beyond the door Nida and Scarlet jump out of the closet and hit Brady in the head with a pipe. Brady falls over unconscious, and they quickly tie him up and carry him out the main door.)

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(In loser land Hojo makes his final adjustments on his newest invention: The great Brain Analyzer. He just finishes it when Nida and Scarlet enter. Scarlet is dragging Brady’s body behind her.)

Hojo: “Ah, so this is the one that Lark has affections for!” *looks him over for a minute* “Odd, not even remotely cute. But his body sure had its uses.”

Nida: “Maybe you don’t think he’s cute because he isn’t 10 anymore.”

(Scarlet sighs, while Hojo puts Brady in a chair. He mounts his invention onto Brady’s head)

Scarlet: “So why did we capture him again? It isn’t for a sperm sample right?”

Hojo: “No…” *thoughtfully* “But maybe since he’s here…”

Nida: “NO WAY! Not with me around!”

Hojo: “All right then, we’ll just see what makes him tick with my new device The Great Brain Analyzer!! With this I plan on discovering how he won Lark over and maybe we can use that to our advantage and gain access to all that the ramble room has to offer!”

Scarlet: “And you expect this thing to work?”

Hojo: “Why yes of course it’ll work! I’m brilliant after all!”

(He turns it on and instantaneously images appear that are swirling in Brady’s head. Pictures of Lark and the Yankees flash around. The images blur and fade in and out in a confusing mess.)

Nida: “And all that means…?”

Scarlet: “From what I can tell he’s either thinking about sex, sleep or both.”

Nida: “Sure that’s not what you’re thinking, whorebag?”

Scarlet: “Keep talking, pilot boy and I’ll tell everybody where the Squall in the shower tape is.”

(Nida goes pale for a second with fear and shuts up immediately. They all sit there for a half hour looking at all the random crap Brady has inside his brain.)

Scarlet: “This is going nowhere.”

Nida: “Yeah, this is so boring. The only thing we figured out is that he’s a complete moron. We’ll never find the secret to why Lark likes him.”

Hojo: *just keeps going* “I found his dating file in his mind. He seems to have had a few girlfriends in his time.”

Nida: “Hey maybe I can get a few tips!!!!”

(He rushes over to the machine and Hojo trying to make sense of the images being displayed. He notices a button that says extract on the machine and he reaches for it.)

Hojo: *noticing what Nida is reaching for* “NO, DON’T TOUCH THAT!”

(but it’s too late. There are three bright flashes and there in the middle of the room stand three men. All of them look exactly like Brady but oddly they all seem different than the now drooling Brady strapped to the chair.)

Hojo: *stares at them briefly then…* “Oh, no! What have we now!”

(The trio look at each other and then at the door when suddenly two of them run out. One of them though oddly stays….)

Brady #3: *runs up to Hojo* “What time is it?!”

Hojo: *shocked* “Um…it’s…7:45…I think.”

Brady #3: “OMG, It’s almost the 3rd inning! I can’t miss anymore of the game! Where’s the nearest TV?”

(Hojo points to the tv area of Loser land and with lightning speed Brady #3, which is evidently the fanatical Yankee Fan part of Brady’s personality, runs from the lab and literally hops on the couch, snatching the remote control and changing the channel to the Yankee game.)

Nida: *looks around innocently like he did nothing* “Nice going, Hojo!”

Hojo: “YOU IDIOT! Do you realize what you’ve just done!? You’ve opened the pandora’s box that is his personality! Who knows what those three versions of himself are going to do! If Lark finds out she’ll have us all killed!”

Nida: *looking at the couch* “Well at least he seems to not want to go anywhere.”

Scarlet: “Why don’t we just wake him up and put him back in the ramble room? After all it only seems to be his personality.”

Hojo: “It won’t work like that. They have parts of his conscience ripped into them since I had different folders open at the time the button was hit. Waking him up now just means he’ll be in a vegetative state until we get those parts of his mind back.”

Nida: “Maybe Lark will look at it as an improvement.”

Scarlet: “Yeah, and maybe Heidegger will go on a diet and Squall will get killed in a Nida piloting accident.”

Nida: “Hey it could happen!”

Hojo: “You two quit bickering. We need to put all the pieces of him back together before Lark gets wind of this. If she finds out I hate to see what she’ll make Sephiroth do to all of us.”

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(Meanwhile the 2 remaining Bradys have separated and gone their own ways, but not before entering the ramble room….enter the tv room where Brady #2 is sitting on the couch looking bored when Irvine and reno enter)

Irvine: “So, Reno, how exactly did you get off that cleaning job?”

Reno: “Rufus wanted me to kill Brady for him. Says that he’s losing money with him around. He was claiming that other rich folk don’t enjoy seeing gutter trash lying around the place and it was best that he was disposed of.”

Irvine: “Wow, so are you gonna do it?”

Reno: “Eh, maybe, but not before I get totally hammered, that way when Lark asks me questions I can blame it on the booze.”

Irvine: “Awesome plan! Hey did you hear they opened that new bar down the road? I heard it was a swinging place! Wanna check it out?”

Reno: “Why not? I mean with him around Lark just isn’t……. Hey.” *blink blink* “He’s been sitting there the whole time.”

Irvine: “Huh?” *turns and sees Brady #2* “Oh snap! Do you think he heard us?”

Reno: “If he did I think I got some roofies in my pocket.”

(so reno starts digging in his pocket when Brady #2 turns and faces them)

Brady #2: “All right! Reno and Irvine! Now I know I can get in on a party!”

Reno and Irvine: *blink blink*

Irvine: “What?”

Brady #2: *gets up and puts his arms around the guys shoulders* “Gentleman. I need to find a really hot woman that I can bang.”

Reno and Irvine: *grin*

Reno: “Well, buddy! You’ve come to the right department!”

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(Meanwhile in the halls…)

Sephiroth: “Fantastic job, Rufus, you pull Reno the booze hound off your clean up duty and he runs off first chance he gets. Why didn’t you get Tseng?”

Rufus: “Who said I didn’t try? Reeve had called him and told him what was going on and he completely refused. Even when I fired him he didn’t listen, he tried to get out of cleaning my diamond coated toilet seat saying that ‘since he was fired he’s no longer a Shinra employee and didn’t have to listen to my bullsh*t anymore’. I mean the nerve of him! Only Reno said he would do it.”

Sephiroth: “Which Turks did you ask again?”

Rufus: “Um…Tseng and Reno.”

Sephiroth: “Shinra, you asked *two* people. This is a serious matter, not some sponsored bake sale for new stitching for Mr. Jingles.”

Rufus: “Hey, Mr. Jingles needed that hole stitched up, he could have bleed out all his stuffing!!”

(then Brady #1 comes around the corner.)

Brady #1: “Hey, guys!”

(comes over and tries to give sephiroth a hug)

Sephiroth: *backs off* “You touch me again and I’ll mount your head on a pike outside to warn others.”

(Brady #1 then goes to hug rufus)

Rufus: *backs off* “Whoa! I don’t swing that way! Did Zell say something? Because he promised to stop!”

Brady #1: “Come on, guys! You know it’s important to Lark for us to get along! It was just a friendly gesture!”

Sephiroth: “We’re never going to get along as long as you’re alive.”

Brady #1: “Oh, Sephy! You’re so silly!”

Sephiroth: “You say that again and I’m getting the pike.”

Brady #1: “Anyway, have you two seen the beautiful Lark?”

Rufus: “Uh…no.”

Brady #1: “Okay! Well I’ll just have to look for her myself then! I’ll see you two later. Maybe we can go out for coffee together!”

(he frolics off. Sephiroth and rufus look at one another confused)

Sephiroth: “What the hell was that about?”

Rufus: “I don’t know, but I’m not paying for his coffee!”

Sephiroth: “No one’s going out for coffee with that pathetic imbecile!” *annoyed sigh* “That’s it. I’m getting out of here.”

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(Back in Loser land the losers are all in the lab as Hojo tries to figure out a way to reverse his machine.)

Hojo: “This could not have gone much worse….if Lark were to find out about this I’m sure that insufferable woman would have Sephiroth kill the lot of us for this.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! You’re screwed!”

Scarlet: “We’re all in big trouble if we don’t get those parts of his personality back into him. Now what’s the plan?”

Hojo: “We will divide into three groups, that way we can cover more space. Heidegger will stay here and make sure this one doesn’t go anywhere. Scarlet and Nida will go after sample #2, and Kuja and Seymour will track the third one.”

Kuja: “As long as it gets me away from you, I’m all for it.”

Seymour: “Figures I’d have to get stuck with you.”

Kuja: “Best one to get paired up with, or do you want clown boy to be your buddy?”

Kefka: *from the attic* “Hehehe….fresh meat.”

Seymour: “On second thought I think this ended up being for the best.”

Nida: “Hey! Why don’t you have to go looking for these guys?”

Hojo: “Because I have to fix the machine you broke, idiot. As long as this invention is damaged I cannot reverse the effects of the machine. And until it’s fixed — no Brady.”

Scarlet: “All right then, let’s go. The faster we get this done the faster I can get back to work.”

Nida: “It’s not like you’re missed on the corner, whore.”

Scarlet: “Isn’t Squall cute naked, Nida?”

Nida: *goes pale*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Incriminating evidence!”

Nida: “No way! It’s a lie, it was all a set-up by Squall! He replaced it when I wasn’t around!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! It’s the only tape in your room!”

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(and with that the losers depart, in search of the missing pieces so to speak…Meanwhile back in the ramble room, Zell, who is enjoying his job as Mr. Jingles’ babysitter, has wheeled the carriage into the tv room to find a very bewildered Lark.)

Zell: “And when Rufus comes back I’m sure he’ll give you one of your very expensive rose petal baths with the extra loving fluffing machine!”

Lark: “Hey Zell, have you seen Brady anywhere? I made him lunch and when I came back he was gone.”

Zell: “I’m sorry Lark, I have no clue. Maybe he’s like in the bathroom or something? Or maybe he went to the comic shop. You know him and his comics!”

Lark: *shrugs* “Maybe…I guess I’ll just go put the food in the refrigerator.”

(Lark walks off and as she rounds the corner she runs into Brady #1)

Brady #1: “Oh there you are, my love of loves! What are you doing?”

Lark: “I was just putting your lunch in the refrigerator. Where did you go?”

Brady #1: “Oh, Lark my love! Let me put that away for you! Let me take you out somewhere.”

Lark: “Okay!!”

(she hands Brady #1 the food and they go off.)

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, sephiroth goes over to alucard’s. and alucard looks somewhat nervous)

Sephiroth: “Well for once it’s actually quiet around here.”

Alucard: “I know.”

Sephiroth: “Then why do you look so nervous?”

Alucard: “Usually when it’s this quiet Dad is up to something. Sometimes it’s not that big of a deal but sometimes…”

Sephiroth: “Forget I asked…”

(and, almost as if it’s on cue, Dracula slams into the ground in front of Alucard and Sephiroth. The moment he hits the ground a parachute pops out from the backpack he was wearing. Slowly he gets to his feet…)

Dracula: “I love sky diving!”

Alucard and Sephiroth: “……….”

Dracula: *looking confused* “Alucard, you didn’t tell me you were dating this nice young woman! I would have cooked dinner if I had known she was going to be here!”

Alucard: “Dad, I’ve been dating Sephiroth for a while now.”

Dracula: *walking up to Sephiroth* “Now what’s your name, honey? You know when I was a young man I was quite the stallion – which I’m sure Alucard here is. Hey you two even have the same kind of hair!”

(with that, Dracula sticks his cold undead hand into Sephiroth’s hair.)

Sephiroth: “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF MY F**KING HAIR BEFORE I REMOVE THE REST OF YOUR BODY PARTS FROM YOUR DISGUSTING BLOATED CORPSE!”

Alucard: *shocked* “Sephiroth! That’s my father!”

Dracula: *chuckling* “Oh well now I am a old bloated corpse, but when I was a younger man I could just go all night!”

Sephiroth: *pulling out the masamune, swinging* “Die, Dracula!”

Dracula: *ducking the sword* “Belmont’s?! Where?!?!? I must prepare!”

(and like that….Dracula is gone…almost like Kiyser Soze)

Alucard: *standing up and grabbing Sephiroth* “GET THE HELL OUT NOW!”

Sephiroth: “He touched my hair! NOBODY does that!”

Alucard: *pushing him towards the door* “I don’t care! Get out! I don’t want to see your face right now!”

Sephiroth: “Fine! Throw me out! Hang out with your daddy! You’re nothing but a sissy daddy’s boy with pretty hair!”

Alucard: *slams the door in Sephiroth’s face*

Sephiroth: *snorts* “Fine! I guess I have to handle this in my own way….”

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile back in loser land….it’s now the 5th inning and the Yankees seem to be in some trouble…)

Brady #3: *throwing his hands up in disbelief* “What the hell was that about?!? What are you blind, Ump!? HE WAS SAFE!”

Heidegger: “Out by a mile! Gya haa haa!”

Brady #3: “Shut up, you have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Heidegger: *reaching for a new bag of potato chips* “Your team sucks! Gya haa haa!”

Brady #3: “Shut up…oh I could use some of those.”

(and for the first time in a long time, quite possibly ever, Brady #3 takes the bag of snack food out of Heidegger’s hands)

Heidegger: *looking surprised* “Gya?!?!?!?!”

Brady #3: *stuffing the chips in to his mouth greedily* “C’mon Mussina! Strike out this punk!”

Heidegger: *reaching for the chips* “He can’t do it! Gya haa haa!”

Brady #3: *pulling the chips out of Heidegger’s range* “Keep talking like that and you ain’t getting any snacks from me!”

Heidegger: “Gya!!!!”

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile…Sephiroth is sitting with a mysterious man.)

Sephiroth: “Listen, I’ve heard you are the best at what you do…this is why I’m talking to you. I need a vampire down and exterminated.”

???????: *in a monotone voice* “Yes, I hunt vampires and I am the best but I also earn top dollar for my services.”

Sephiroth: “I don’t care, I just want that Dracula taken care of once and for all. Then maybe I can have an actual relationship with my boyfriend.”

???????: “If that is what you hope to accomplish by killing his father…”

Sephiroth: “Shut up, I don’t want morality given to me by the likes of you.”

???????? *voice from the man’s hand* “Yeah D, haven’t you figured it out by now, the man is a pillar of morality, a shining example of what is right in this world.”

Man named D: *slamming his right hand into the table*

Other voice: “OW! You ass! I think you broke my nose!”

D: “Shut up and let me finish setting up my job.”

Sephiroth: *looking totally confused* “Okay…so how much is this gonna cost me?”

D: “About half a million gil.”

Sephiroth: “Consider it a deal. Send the bill to Rufus J. Shinra, care of Thaddeus J. Jingles.”

D: “Fine, now if you excuse me…”

(D gets up to leave and as he does Sephiroth sees a face on the palm of his right hand. The hand notices him and flashes him a toothy smile as D exits.)

Sephiroth: “Ugh! How creepy is that?!”

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(At the local club Reno, Irvine, and Brady #2 seem to be living it up)

Brady #2: “Oh man do I dread getting married. The idea of being tied down to one woman seems just boring as all hell.”

Irvine: “Yeah, dude! You’re so right! Man, how could you be tied down to one woman? I could never do it! I’m like a Pokemon! Gotta love ‘em all!”

Reno: “Man, you are so wasted.”

Brady #2: “Bro, you are the man!”

(then who appears in the crowd? But it’s rufus and algus! And they’re wearing their uke and seme shirts again. Reno and Irvine are trying to stop themselves from laughing but are not doing a very good job of it…)

Rufus: “Hey you guys! What are you doing here, Brady? I thought you were trying to find Lark!”

Brady #2: “Dude! You guys are so gay!”

Rufus and Algus: *blink blink* “What?”

Brady #2: “You do realize that your shirts mean that you give it…” *points to algus* “And you take it?” *points to rufus*

(algus and rufus stare for a moment as the words sink in. then their eyes get really weird and they turn to one another looking disgusted. They step away)

Both: “I HAVE TO CHANGE!”

(and they both take off while reno and Irvine start laughing hysterically)

Reno: “Dude…you deserve a high five for that!”

(and with that he and Brady high five)

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile D goes over to the Belmont’s and knocks on the door. Franswa answers the door and gives D a weird look)

Franswa: “Uh…can I help you?”

Voice from his hand: “Geez! That’s the biggest sissy I’ve ever seen!”

D: *clenches right fist* “Excuse me, sir… But is Richter Belmont home?”

Franswa: “…Yeah… Um…who *are* you?”

D: “My name is…D.”

Franswa: *calling into the back* “DAD!!! Some guy named D is here to see you!”

(richter Belmont appears from down the hallway.)

Richter: “Who?” *sees d* “Oh. Can I help you?”

D: “I am looking for a vampire.”

Richter: “We have much in common, my friend! Come inside! Do you like hot chocolate? My son makes the best in the world!”

Franswa: *beams*

Voice from the hand: “So the sissy does have a use!”

Franswa: *frowns* “Who keeps saying that??”

D: “Him.” *shows him right hand*

Franswa: *screams and hides behind his dad* “Daddy save me!!!”

Richter: *sigh* “Franswa! Belmont’s do not rely on others to protect them!”

D: “I need information on Dracula.”

Richter: “What kind of information? We Belmont’s know everything there is to know about vampires!”

D: “Does he have a specific weakness?”

Richter: “Well… To be honest, my family and I have been defeating him for generations. We’ve tried every trick in the book, but he still keeps on coming back.”

D: *turns to walk away* “Thank you for your help.”

Richter: “Going so soon? Don’t you want some hot chocolate?”

(but d leaves. Richter turns to franswa)

Richter: “Why can’t you be more like him?”

Franswa: “You don’t even know him!”

Richter: “He hunts vampires! That’s all I need to know!”

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, sephiroth is walking back to the ramble room when he sees rufus and algus walking towards it. Both don’t have shirts on)

Sephiroth: *blink blink* “What the hell have you two been doing?”

Rufus: “NOTHING!!”

Algus: “Those shirts we were wearing broadcasted a message we do not wish to be a part of!”

Sephiroth: “Dammit. I thought those would last another week at least. Who finally told you?”

Algus: “Brady did.”

Sephiroth: “Brady?”

Rufus: “Yeah! And when I find Tseng is he so fired! He’ll be fired for two hours!”

Sephiroth: “He’ll be so excited.”

(so they go inside and they run into lark and Brady #1, who are dressed up nicely…)

Rufus: “How the hell did you get over here so quick?”

Brady #1: “Huh? Oh, you’re so silly! Why don’t you give me a hug?”

(he puts his arms out and rufus lets out a short scream and hides behind algus)

Rufus: “I’m not gay!”

Lark: “Rufus! Brady doesn’t think you’re gay! He’s trying to be nice!”

Rufus: “He might think I’m gay after what happened at the club!”

Brady #1: “Club? What club? I’ve been here with my beautiful Lark the whole time!”

Algus: “Nonsense! We just saw you at the club not ten minutes ago!”

Rufus: “Yeah! You can’t be in two places at once!”

Lark: “What are you guys talking about? Brady has been with me for the last hour!”

Sephiroth: “I’m just enjoying the show.”

(then, to add to the confusion, Irvine, reno and Brady #2 enter)

Brady #2: “That was a rockin’ good time! The only thing that would have improved tonight is coming home with a new lady!”

Reno and Irvine: “Hells yeah!”

(high fives all around. Everyone else just stares in shock)

Lark: “Brady?!”

Brady #2: *looks at her* “Hey, baby. You look really good. How about we go make out in the back?”

Brady #1: “Excuse me! You will not disrespect her like that!”

Sephiroth: “Holy crap! There are two of them! It’s the apocalypse!!!!!”

Rufus: “I guess he could be in two places at once!”

Irvine: “Dude… I must be wasted… ‘Cause I’m seein’ double!”

Reno: “No, man. It’s for real!”

Algus: “There obviously has been some tampering here with the real Brady!”

Lark: “But who the—“ *pause* “Hojo.”

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile D goes over to dracula’s and knocks on the door. Alucard answers)

Alucard: “Can I help—“ *but d just pushes right past him and goes inside* “Excuse me! What do you think you’re doing?!”

(d goes over to Dracula who is standing at the edge of the stairs. Alucard follows him)

D: “It’s been a long time.”

Alucard: “You cannot just come in our house like this! Leave right now!”

D: *draws sword* “I’ve come to do what I should have done many years ago.”

Dracula: *tilts head to one side* “…Little Draky?”

D: *voice wavering* “…Yes. It’s me.”

Dracula: *excitedly* “Little Draky!!!”

D: *drops sword* “Dad!!!”

(they hug. Alucard stands there with his jaw dropped.)

Alucard: “What. The. Hell.”

Dracula: “Alucard! Come meet your half brother!”

Alucard: “What half brother?! You never told me I had a half brother!”

Dracula: “It was before your time. I was kind of sort of young then!”

Alucard: “…I need to sit.”

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, over at loser land, the yankee game is coming to an end, and one of the players just hit a home run. Next to Brady are piles of wrappers. Heidegger has nothing and he does not look happy.)

Brady #3: “Yeah!!!! That’s right!!!! Yeah!!!! Talk about taking the lead in dramatic fashion!”

Heidegger: *tries to reach for food* “…Gya?”

Brady #3: *slaps his hand away*

(there’s a knock at the door. No one reacts)

Hojo’s voice: *from the other room* “Answer the door!”

(Heidegger tries to get up off the couch, but he’s so fat that this is a project. He struggles and struggles to get up and there are more knocks at the door. Hojo, looking annoyed, finally comes out of the other room)

Hojo: “Fine! I’ll get it! It must be the others. It’s taken them long enough!”

Heidegger: *falls face first on the floor* “…Gya.”

Hojo: *opening the door* “It’s about time—“ *sees the ramble gang* “Damnation.”

Lark: *holding a Brady on each side* “What did you do to Brady, you freak?!”

Hojo: “Uh oh. I’m in trouble. …This is going to hurt, isn’t it.”

Sephiroth: “Why do you think I came along?” *grins*

Hojo: *takes off glasses*

Brady #3: “And the Yankees win!!! Thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeee Yankees win!”

Lark: “Omg! You have three of them?!”

Hojo: *tucking glasses into his pocket* “Try to keep it above the belt, please. I’m very sore down there.”

Sephiroth: “You sick old man!”

Lark: “Wait! Sephiroth!! Hojo – fix Brady right now!”

Hojo: “Right away!”

Lark: “That doesn’t mean you’re off the hook.”

Hojo: *frowns* “Will it hurt less if I tell you it was Nida’s fault?”

Sephiroth: “No.”

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(a few hours later at dracula’s house…d is leaving)

D: *tearfully* “I love you, dad. But I have to go. I have a couple of vampires I need to go kill.”

Dracula: “Have fun, son. I’ll miss you! And your freak talking hand!”

Alucard: *glares*

D: “I’ll miss you too, dad! I promise to come back and visit—“

Alucard: “Okay, everyone hates long good-byes.”

(he gets up and starts to push d towards the door.)

D: “Hey, dad! Next time I visit…can we throw a football around?”

Dracula: “Anything for you, Draky Jr.!”

D: “I’ll miss you too, brother! Maybe next time I come back we can talk! And you won’t look so angry and surly!”

Alucard: “Try another 600 years.”

(and with that he slams the door in d’s face. And he angrily starts to go back upstairs)

Dracula: “Isn’t your brother a nice person, Alucard?! He’s trying to help the world!”

Alucard: “I don’t want to talk to you right now, dad. Leave me alone!”

(and he heads down the hallway and out of sight.)

Dracula: “…I don’t think he likes his own brother.” *gasp* “And I don’t like American Idol! But why can’t I stop watching it?!”

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(finally, back at loser land, hojo lies beat up and bleeding on the floor, his limbs twisted in many painful ways. Heidegger is now lying on his back while stinky stands over him, feeding him chips. And finally Scarlet and nida enter holding cups from starbucks while kuja and Seymour come in as well, holding many shopping bags)

Heidegger: “Feed me, Stinky! Gya haa haa!”

Stinky: *snort*

Nida: “So then I said to Headmaster Cid, I said—“

(they pause as they see hojo’s body on the floor)

Nida: “Uh…did you want us to go look for those Brady’s now?”

Hojo: “………”

Seymour: “Is he dead?”

Kuja: “It’s hard to tell. He always has that odor.”

Scarlet: “Maybe we shouldn’t have gone out for coffee.”

Nida: “Well the other Brady is gone! Maybe everything sorted itself out!”

Seymour: “Should we sort Hojo out?”

Kuja: “After I put my purchases away. I don’t want him to see what I bought with his credit card.”

THE END

Advertisements
This entry was posted in The Modern Era and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s