#150 – Sephiroth’s Award

Lucretia: “Sweetie…being evil doesn’t make you great.”

Sephiroth is thrilled when he finds out he’s the winner of the Video Game Villain of the Year award, but no one else is. Will he take the throphy?

Ramble Milestones
-First appearances of: Bowser, King Dedede, Nightmare, Nemesis, and even Maxi.

I really love this ramble. It has it all – comedy, drama, and a bunch of new crazy characters, including Maxi from Soul Caliber, who has a throwaway part here but has a larger part in later rambles. Speaking of Soul Caliber, Nightmare’s dialogue with Siegfried is taken right from the game. This had been a ramble I had been planning for a long time – in the original concept it was going to be a general ‘villain’ award, but then I changed it to make it specific to video games. (And I’m so glad I did, because I don’t think I could have pulled off writing my original award committee, which included the Wicked Witch of the West for some reason.) Sephiroth is obviously one of the major ramble characters, and he’s probably the one who goes through the most character development over time. The ending is one of my favorite parts of this ramble – I had it in my head, line by line, for months before it actually got written.

(we open at uncle shenanigans where it’s pretty early in the evening and the bar has just opened a little while ago. The only customer in there is sephiroth, who is sitting at the bar, brooding with his drink. In the background irvine and san diego are arguing about one thing or another and rude is setting up some tables and chairs. Reno is wiping down the counter, whistling happily)

Sephiroth: *sad sigh*

Reno: “Okay, Sephiroth. That’s enough. You’ve been doing nothing for the last twenty minutes except look totally miserable. What’s going on?”

Sephiroth: “If I wanted a therapist I wouldn’t have beat mine up.”

Reno: “It’s a sex problem, isn’t it.”

Sephiroth: “How do you know?”

Reno: “I’m *Reno*. So what’s goin’ on?”

Sephiroth: *sad sigh* “Alucard and I haven’t done it since September.”

Reno: “Ouch.”

Sephiroth: “Every time I bring it up he changes the subject. It can’t be the way I look! Look at me! I’ve got great hair and rock hard abs! Who wouldn’t want to have sex with me?”

Reno: “Yeah, I’m sure many gay guys would want to get with you.” *turns to san diego* “Hey, San Diego!”

San Diego: “Yeah?”

Reno: “Would you have sex with Sephiroth here?”

San Diego: “Hells yeah I would!”

Reno: *turns back to sephiroth* “Yup. It’s not the outside.”

Sephiroth: “And granted, I can be cruel sometimes–“

Reno: “*Sometimes*?”

Sephiroth: *glares* “I don’t need your sarcasm. Anyway, I keep saying I’m sorry – which I rarely do – but still I get nothing! It’s more than I’ve ever given anyone in a relationship! What more does he want from me?!”

Reno: “Well, I hate to say it, Sephiroth, but maybe he wants more. I mean the only person I know more pompous and selfish than you is Rufus.”

Sephiroth: “That’s not true! I’m the best person in that ramble room!”

Reno: “…..Yeah. Anyway, have you tried talking to him?”

Sephiroth: “Do you know how hard it is trying to talk to him when you have Dracula in the background, yelling about how he can’t find his tongue? Never mind how incomprehensible he sounds because he doesn’t have a freakin’ tongue?!”

Reno: “Then I think your first order of business, if you ever wanna have sex again, is to get Alucard alone.”

(irvine comes over, and san diego goes into the back)

Reno: “What were you two arguing about?”

Irvine: “I told him to stop havin’ sex with the customers!”

Reno: “But you always have sex with the customers.”

Irvine: “Not in the bathroom!”

Reno: “Yes you do! I caught you last night!”

Irvine: “Yeah but I’m co-owner!”

(then lark comes out of the back, dressed to work at the bar. She’s holding a letter in her hands)

Lark: “Sephy! There you are! I thought you might be here! This came for you.”

(she goes over to him and hands him a letter. Sephiroth takes it and looks at the return address)

Sephiroth: *reads* “The Video Game Villain of the Year Award Committee?!” *he opens it feverishly and quickly scans the letter*

Lark: “Well? What does it say?”

Sephiroth: *smiling and jumping up and down* “I WON!!!!! I WON!!!!!! I WON THE BEST VIDEO GAME VILLAIN OF THE YEAR AWARD!!!! FINALLY!!!”

(and in all his excitement he picks up lark, kisses her, and then puts her back down. She looks stunned)

Sephiroth: “I’ve gotta tell everyone!!!!”

(he runs out. Lark turns to irvine and reno, still in shock)

Lark: “Talk about being so excited you’re not thinking!”

(irvine nods and laughs, but reno is still staring at the door sephiroth has just exited from)

Reno: “Yeah… We’ll see about that…”


(meanwhile, back at the ramble room, sephiroth goes running into the ramble room where a bunch of people are hanging out as usual.)

Sephiroth: “I WON!!!!!!!! I WON!!!!!!!!!!!! I WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Zidane: “The lotto?”

Sephiroth: “No!!! Best Video Game Villain of the Year!”

Rufus: “What? *You* won? I was up for that!”

Sephiroth: “Well I won! Because I’m the best! Who else haven’t I told yet?”

(he runs out. Rufus frowns and vincent sighs sadly)

Rufus: “How could he win? I thought I bribed that committee!” *he takes a long list from his pocket and looks at it* “Yes! I did! Well why didn’t it work?! Bribes always work!”

Algus: “Excellent point, Rufus. Money always speaks the loudest!”

Zidane: “But Sephiroth already won. They’re not going to take away his award and give it to you!”

Algus: “Nonsense, slave! If you believe that than you do not know the power of money!”

Zidane: “I know the power it has to make you a jackass.”

Rufus: “I better go down to see that committee today.”

Zell: “Don’t forget to take Mr. Jingles with you!”

Rufus: “Zell! I can’t take Mr. Jingles with me to the villain committee! The other villains will laugh at me!”

Zell: “But you promised him a ride in the car!”

Rufus: “I’ll make it up to him later.”

Zell: “That’s what you always say!”

Rufus: “Fine, fine. I’ll take him for a ride. But I’m not taking him inside! You can take him for a walk around the parking lot. But if anyone asks, he belongs to Sephiroth.”

Zell: “Okay!”

(so rufus and zell leave.)

Algus: “Don’t think I didn’t hear that comment you made, Zidane.”

Zidane: “It was meant for you to hear.”

Algus: “You have quite the smart mouth today, don’t you. Well then, how about some punishment?”

Zidane: “Let’s go!!”

(he runs out the door and algus follows. That leaves vincent, reeve, tseng and elena alone in the room)

Tseng: “Great. Now that Sephiroth’s won that award we’ll be hearing about it for years.”

Elena: “That’s the award he’s been applying to every year?”

Reeve: “Yup. And every year he lost.”

Vincent: “Indeed. I didn’t think he would ever win.”

Tseng: “Well, he was pretty evil.”

Vincent: “It is an award he does not deserve.”

Tseng: “Don’t let him hear you say that!”

Vincent: “It’s true. Sephiroth would have never turned out that way if he had not been raised by that awful man.”

Reeve: “An interesting thought, Vincent, but I’m sure the same argument could be made for other villains. Does that make them any less evil?”

Vincent: “Nevertheless, even after it all, evil is not his nature. I cannot see this happen. You must excuse me.”

(he gets up and leaves. Everyone exchanges a look)

Elena: “What was that about?”

Tseng: “I don’t know…”

Reeve: “He has a valid point, but he must know Sephiroth won’t even hear him out…”


(meanwhile, sephiroth goes over to alucard’s, letter in hand, and rings the doorbell. Alucard promptly answers. Sephiroth shoves the letter in his face)

Sephiroth: “LOOK WHAT I WON!”

Alucard: *blink blink* “Video game villain of the year?”

Sephiroth: “Now you can proudly tell everyone that you’re dating the evilest person ever in a video game.”

Alucard: “Uh, that’s not really something I want to tell people. And it’s just villain of the year. Not villain of the…forever.”

Sephiroth: “After years of applying justice has finally been served! The committee is finally full of smart people who know I deserve to win!”

Alucard: “Dad’s on that committee.”

Sephiroth: “And I just know—” *stops* “…What?”

Alucard: “Dad’s on the Video Game Villain of the Year Award committee.”

Sephiroth: “…He is?”

Alucard: “Yes. He’s the senior member.”

Sephiroth: “Oh! Well it looks like your dad finally did something right for once, since he picked me to receive the award!”

Alucard: *frowns* “I can’t believe you applied for that award.”

Sephiroth: “Are you joking? That’s been my life long dream! …Well. Maybe not life long. But things change as you get older and…find out you were a genetic experiment. You know how it is.”

Alucard: “No. I don’t. Very bad people have won that award. You don’t belong with them.”

Sephiroth: “Are you kidding me? I tried to destroy the planet! I carry a huge sword under my coat 24-7! I’ve killed people! I’m bad to the bone, baby!”

Alucard: “Please. My dad used to kill people and put their heads on pikes outside his house.”

Sephiroth: “I’ve…thought about doing that! Yeah! Sure I have!”

Alucard: “That award is not something to be proud of. And if you really think you deserve it, than maybe you’re not who I thought you were.”

Sephiroth: “Excuse me? EXCUSE me? *I’m* not who you thought I was? Well what about you?! We haven’t had sex in months! But yet you still claim you like me! I go to kiss you, and you pull away – but no! You still like me! And what am I supposed to think? You know what – forget it. No one understands me, and then they wonder why I am the way I am!”

(and before alucard can say anything else sephiroth stomps out, slamming the door behind him.)


(meanwhile, we now go to the headquarters of the video game villain of the year award committee. You may be wondering who is on this committee. Well, there is dracula, who is there, of course, and missing an eye to boot. As was mentioned, he is the senior member. Also there is bowser, of super mario brothers fame. He’s the president. King Dedede, of the kirby games, is a penguin and also the vice president. Secretary is nightmare from soul caliber and the treasurer is nemesis from resident evil. They’re all sitting at a long table. Bowser bangs a gavel to get things started)

Bowser: “Okay, okay. Let’s get started. Now that the winner of this year’s award has been notified it’s time to start planning the banquet for next week’s award presentation. Nemesis, what is our budget?”

Nemesis: “STARS.”

Dedede: *quack* “We told you that’s not a proper answer!!” *quack*

Nightmare: “Nightmare doesn’t want to sit next to Nemesis! Nemesis smells!”

Nemesis: *angrily* “STARS!”

Dracula: *sings* “Twinkle, twinkle little star! How I wonder what you are!” *chuckles* “I love that song!” *chuckles more* “All of you look deformed to me!”

Bowser: *bangs gavel* “Order! Order!” *sigh* “Can someone just look in the book and tell me how much money we have?”

(before anyone can, there’s a knock at the door)

Bowser: *annoyed sigh* “Who is that? The Quarter Knights aren’t supposed to arrive until tomorrow!”

Dedede: “Get the door, Nemesis!”

Nemesis: “STARS!”

(but he gets up and answers the door. And who strolls in? rufus j. shinra of course!)

Rufus: *looks at nemesis* “Oh my god! Have aliens landed?!”

Nemesis: “STARS!”

Rufus: *jumps* “Ack!”

Bowser: “Can we help you?”

Rufus: “Ah, yes! Hello! You must be Bowser. I’m Rufus J. Shinra. Perhaps you received my generous check?” *wink*

Bowser: “Oh. Yes. Thanks to you we’ll be able to have an extra lavish banquet this year.”

Rufus: “Yeah. That was a bribe.”

Bowser: “What?”

Rufus: “That was a bribe so you’d pick me to win the award.”

Dedede: “Wait a minute? Rufus J. Shinra? Of Final Fantasy 7?” *quack*

Rufus: *proud smile* “The very same.”

(bowser, dedede, nightmare and even nemesis just start laughing. Dracula joins in after a few seconds, laughing the loudest of all)

Dracula: “Yes! Jokes are funny!”

Rufus: *frowns* “What are you all laughing at?”

Bowser: “You!? Villain of the year? I know Yoshi’s meaner than you!”

Nightmare: “Nightmare laughs at puny human!”

Nemesis: “STARS!”

Dedede: “You’re not nearly evil enough for the award!” *quack*

Rufus: “What?! Are you kidding me? I’m plenty evil!”

Bowser: “How is that? You’ve never killed anyone!”

Rufus: “No! But I came close! Ask Barret and Tifa! They both hate me!”

Dedede: *quack* “And your world domination techniques just stem from you wanting to make more money!” *quack*

Rufus: “So? Money is bad! It can give you a nasty papercut!”

Nightmare: “And Nightmare is not impressed with your fighting skills!”

Rufus: “I had to run away from Cloud! I was late for a pedicure!”

Bowser: “No, no, no. You don’t even come close to meeting the requirements. And we will not be bribed into awarding a semi-evil villain.”

Rufus: “What have you guys done that’s so great? You bullied a couple of plumbers and stole a Princess a few times! Big deal! Anybody could shoot fireballs with an elevator going back and forth above his head – way to set up your own death, brainiac! And you’re a bird who stole a star rod and stopped some dreams! That is all kinds of gay! And you’re a freak in scary armor with a big sword! That’s real original! And Dracula’s just totally out of it–“

Dracula: *chuckles* “That I am!”

Rufus: “And you–” *looks at nemesis* “Well…I don’t want to mess with you.”

Nemesis: “STARS!”

Bowser: “The door is over there, Mr. Shinra, and I suggest you use it.”

Dracula: “Yeah! ‘Cause going through the window hurts!”

Rufus: “Fine! Be jerks! And you can keep the stupid money! I have more than that under my couch!”

(he stomps out, slamming the door behind him)

Bowser: “Okay. Now can we get back to business?”

Nightmare: “Nightmare wants to change seats!”

Bowser: “No! I have to take Bowser Jr. to the dentist in an hour and we have a lot to cover!”

(then all of the sudden someone comes crashing through the window, spraying glass everywhere. When the person straightens up, we can see that it’s Siegfried, also of soul caliber)

Siegfried: “Nightmare! I found you at last! Now you will pay!”

Nightmare: “This place…shall be….your grave!”

Siegfried: “Never will I close my eyes again!”

Nightmare: “I shall share with you….my darkness!”

Siegfried: “I’m done…WITH NIGHTMARES!”

Nightmare: “Drown in the cesspool…of darkness!”

Siegfried: “I fear nothing… I will face my darkness!”

(they go on. Bowser looks annoyed and then gets up, taking car keys out of his pocket)

Bowser: “I’m tired of constantly dealing with these idiots coming to fight Nightmare. I’ll see you at tomorrow’s meeting. Have that window fixed.”

Nemesis: “STARS!”

Bowser: “Fine! Take it out of the budget!”

(he stomps out as siegfried and nightmare start to fight. Dracula starts to pick at his empty eye socket)

Dracula: “Something doesn’t feel right about this…”

Dedede: *quack* “Your eye is missing.”

Dracula: “My eye is missing?! I thought you were on fire!”

Dedede: “What?” *quack*

(nightmare cuts siegfried down, leaving him twitching on the floor)

Nightmare: “Nightmare is victorious!”

Dedede: *gets up* “Okay, this meeting is over! And you remember to pick that body up off the floor and take him outside!” *quack*

Nightmare: “What?!”

Dedede: *quack* “You know the rules.” *quack*

Nightmare: “Nightmare doesn’t take orders from talking bird!”

Dedede: “You have a problem? Take it up with Nemesis!” *quack*

(he leaves. Nightmare looks at nemesis who folds his arms in front of him)

Nemesis: “STARS!”

(grumbling, nightmare grabs siegfried by the hair and starts to drag him out. Nemesis follows, shutting off the lights. So that leaves dracula alone in the room.)

Dracula: “I hope the movie starts soon!”


(meanwhile, the next day. Vincent is in the ramble room on the phone when lark comes in.)

Vincent: “So you will come tomorrow then? …Yes. …Yes. …Very well. I will see you then. …Good-bye.”

(he quickly hangs up)

Lark: “Hey, Vincent! Who was that?”

Vincent: “Lark, can I speak with you for a moment?”

Lark: “Of course!”

(vincent goes over and shuts the door to the ramble room.)

Vincent: “I suppose you heard about Sephiroth’s award.”

Lark: “Yeah. I was the one who gave him the letter.”

Vincent: “Have you spoken to him since?”

Lark: “No. I haven’t seen him around.”

Vincent: “That’s because he’s been in his room, practicing his speech.”

Lark: “Okay…”

Vincent: “I don’t want him to accept this award.”

Lark: “What? Why?”

Vincent: “Very evil villains have won this award, Lark. I do not think Sephiroth belongs among them.”

Lark: “I don’t think he’d agree with you.”

Vincent: “Of course not. It’s the only identity he knows now. And I’m not trying to say that he’s a saint – he certainly can be cruel and brusque – but his nature is not to be evil. He is capable of love and giving and being kind to others. You must trust me on this.”

Lark: “Uh…of course I trust you, Vincent. But I don’t think there’s any way in hell he’s going to not take that award! Shell told me he wants to go shopping with her for a new outfit for the banquet!”

Vincent: “I will use every method available to me to stop him. I cannot see him crowned as evil while the true evil that created him remains unmarked.”

Lark: “So basically to you video game people this award really stands for something bad.”

Vincent: “Yes. And for those who choose to be proud of it there is no turning back.”

Lark: “But Vincent…isn’t he already proud of it?”

Vincent: “You tell me, Lark. You’ve looked into his eyes. Do you think that’s really his nature? Or do you think he clings to the only identity he’s ever made for himself.”

(and with that vincent leaves the room, and lark is left alone.)

Lark: *mumbles to herself* “Even after all that Sephiroth’s put him through, Vincent still sees nothing but the best in him.”


(meanwhile, the villain committee is having another meeting. Everyone is sitting in their seats. Bowser is banging the gavel.)

Bowser: “Okay, okay! Let’s get started!”

Nightmare: “How did Nightmare get stuck sitting next to Nemesis again?!”

Nemesis: “STARS!”

Dedede: *quack* “If you don’t want to sit next to him, get here earlier!” *quack*

Nightmare: “Cervantes ambushed Nightmare on his way to the meeting! Now his bloody body lies in a ditch! HAHA!”

Dracula: “I’ll have to pass by there on my way home!”

Bowser: “Now come on! We can’t keep getting interrupted by everybody who wants to beat up Nightmare! We have a banquet to plan!”

Dedede: “And Rufus Shinra left a threatening message on our voicemail this morning.” *quack*

Bowser: “He did?! What a dofus! Well let’s hear it!”

(dedede gets up and waddles over to the answering machine. He presses the play button)

Rufus’ voice: “Hello? Hello? Reeve, are you sure this is the right number?”

Reeve’s voice: “Yes.”

Rufus’ voice: “I think it’s an answering machine!”

Reeve’s voice: “Then leave a message! It’s recording you right now!”

Rufus’ voice: “Crap! It is? Dammit.” *clears throat* “Yes. This is Rufus J. Shinra. Even though it may seem like I have given up, you have not heard the last of me!”

(it’s at this point he tries to laugh maniacally like a scary evil villain would, but it comes out halting and fake)

Reno’s voice: “Are you choking or something?”

Rufus’ voice: “No. That was my scary evil villain laughter.”

Reno’s voice: *snort* “Okay. And I’m the Queen of Spain!”

Rufus’ voice: “Shut up, Reno!” *pause* “Crap! This thing is still recording!”

(then there’s the sound of the dial tone)

Dracula: “Oh my gosh! The voices stopped! Who will take me to the prom now?!”

Bowser: “I want his name moved off the villain category all together and moved into the ‘wannabe’ category.”

Nightmare: “Nightmare will move the puny human’s name immediately!”

Bowser: “Let’s move on. Did we find a caterer yet?”

Dracula: “Yes! I know a fine blood bank that will provide wonderful blood at a fantastic price!”

Bowser: “For the last time, Dracula, we don’t want blood.”

Dracula: “Can I have it then?”

Dedede: “I can gather up the food that’s just lying around Dreamland!” *quack* “It’s only going to get eaten by that fat, pink marshmallow anyway!”

Bowser: “No, no, no. Your ideas all stink!” *annoyed sigh* “Fine. I’ll make some calls tonight. Why do I have to do everything myself?”

Dracula: “Because it’s more fun that way!”

Bowser: “Now we already have our ticket takers for the event. What about ushers? Any suggestions?”

Nemesis: “STARS.”

Bowser: “No, no, no. Stop suggesting that for everything. Does anyone have any *real* suggestions?”

Dedede: *quack* “I can give King K. Rool and his henchmen a call.”

Bowser: “Fine, fine. I guess they’ll have to do. I could try to call the Shy Guys, but they never answer the phone.” *looks down at list* “Okay, is Liquid Snake going to be making his punch this year?”

Nightmare: “Nightmare thinks his punch tastes like ass!”

Nemesis: “STARS!”

Dedede: “I don’t really like the punch either…” *quack*

Bowser: “Fine. Forget the punch.”

Dracula: “I’ll make the punch! And I’ll wear it as a hat!”

(then there’s a knock at the door)

Bowser: “Who’s there?!”

????: “It’s Taki! Is Nightmare there?”

(nightmare gets up and starts moving towards the door with his giant soul edge sword)

Nightmare: “Nightmare accepts your challenge!”

(nightmare then runs and goes crashing through the door, splintering wood everywhere. The sounds of nightmare and taki fighting can be heard. Then alucard pokes his head in.)

Alucard: “Is your meeting over? I’m here to pick up Dad.”

Dracula: “There you are, Alucard! I volunteered to wear the punch on my head!”

Alucard: “I’m sure you did.”

Bowser: “I guess we’re done. I have caterers to call.”

Dedede: “And I have ushers to call.”

Nemesis: “STARS.”

Bowser: “Yeah. You…get that door fixed.”


(meanwhile sephiroth is at the mall with shell and rude. rude is loaded down with shopping bags as usual. there’s no way he can carry any more. at least, there shouldn’t be any way…)

Shell: *coming out of a store with another bag* “Here, Rude. Take this.”

Rude: “Um. I’m kind of…out of arms, Shell.”

Shell: “Nonsense, Rude! You’ve got a neck, don’t you?”

(and with that she puts the handles over his head so it’s hanging off his neck)

Shell: “See, Rude? Isn’t that good?”

Rude: “Once I figure out how to breathe again.”

Sephiroth: “Can we go shopping for my outfit now?”

Shell: *checks watch* “Sure. They should be arriving any minute.”

Sephiroth: “*They*?”

Shell: “Sure. I asked Tseng and Kuja to meet up with us. Oh! Here they come!”

(sure enough tseng and kuja are coming over, seymour walking behind them)

Sephiroth: “What’s Seymour doing here?”

Kuja: *annoyed sigh* “Oh god, he just *insisted* on coming. I guess he finally wanted to see what good taste looks like.”

Seymour: “More like I just wanted to come along for a laugh.”

Kuja: “Oh whatever.”

Sephiroth: “Okay, we need to go shopping for me now. I need to find an outfit for the Video Game Villain of the Year Award ceremony!”

Seymour: “Congrats on winning that, by the way. I have to admit, that is quite an award.”

Sephiroth: “I know. I don’t know why it took them this long to give it to me.”

Kuja: “I don’t apply to awards like that. I only go for awards that reward beauty.”

Seymour: *snorts* “I wonder why you haven’t won anything.”

Kuja: “One more word out of you and you’ll be waiting in the car!”

Shell: “Come on, you guys! We have no time to waste! Let’s get shopping!”

(she starts walking and the others follow. tseng stays behind, watching rude struggle to walk with the bags)

Tseng: “Rude… Let me take some of those bags.” *takes some of them*

Rude: “You are a saint.”

(they start to follow the others)

Tseng: “So has Sephiroth been talking about the award a lot?”

Rude: “Non-stop.”

Tseng: “You know Vincent doesn’t want him to take it.”

Rude: “I see.”

Tseng: “I can see where he’s coming from… I mean we knew Sephiroth before…it happened. He was a totally different person. …Well, maybe not totally different. But he wasn’t burning anything to the ground, you know?”

Rude: “Yeah.”

Tseng: “But Reeve said it doesn’t really matter. That his awful past doesn’t erase what he did. He still did those horrible things. But at the same time, there are others who have won that award that are evil because they want to be – because it’s their nature. And Sephiroth’s not like that. So should he stoop to their level? Should he take that award and admit he’s just as awful as those other villains?”

Rude: “I don’t know. Should he?”

(he gives tseng a knowing look and hurries off after the group. tseng frowns a moment, shakes his head, and then joins the others.)

Shell: *looking at suits* “I think Versace might be a good look for you.”

Kuja: “Mmhm. Manly, yet fashionable.”

Seymour: “What would you know about manly?”

Kuja: “What would you know about fashionable?”

Shell: “Ladies! Please! I *cannot* shop like this!”

Sephiroth: “Look. Just pick out stuff that you think will look good, and I’ll try it on.”

Shell: “Relax yourself! Looking good takes more than ten seconds! You want to impress the other villains, right?”

Sephiroth: “Of course. But that shouldn’t be hard! Look at me!”

Shell: “Stay here. We’ll come over when we have stuff for you to try on. Come, Rude.”

(so she, rude, kuja and seymour move further into the store. sephiroth stands there, arms crossed and tapping his foot. tseng comes over with his rescued bags)

Sephiroth: “Where’d you get those bags?”

Tseng: “Someone had to help Rude.”

Sephiroth: “Turks stick together, I know. So where’re your congratulations?”

Tseng: “Huh?”

Sephiroth: “You haven’t congratulated me for winning the award yet!”

Tseng: “I know.”

(there’s a long pause)

Sephiroth: “I’m waiting…”

Tseng: “I’m not going to congratulate you, Sephiroth.”

Sephiroth: “Why the hell not?” *pause* “Have you been talking to Vincent?”

Tseng: “Have *you*?”

Sephiroth: “I don’t have to! He was never happy with me when I applied for the award. Always went on some long speech that I didn’t listen to. Something about that jerk Hojo and my nature, or whatever crazy things popped into that decaying head of his. Vincent is delusional. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

Tseng: “You know what you did. And I don’t know if you’d change anything if you could go back. But when I see you now all I see is the Sephiroth I used to know. The Sephiroth before the Nibelheim mansion.”

Sephiroth: “That Sephiroth is dead. You, me and the whole world knows that.”

Tseng: “I don’t believe that at all.”

Sephiroth: “I don’t believe you, Tseng. You’re supposed to be my friend! And you won’t even be happy for me?!”

Tseng: “How can I be happy for you when you’re not happy for yourself?”

Sephiroth: “What the hell is wrong with you?!”

Tseng: “It’s true, Sephiroth. You run from one person to another because you’re scared to be happy with someone.” *snaps fingers* “Yes! Now it’s making perfect sense! The only time you’ve been truly happy in your entire life everything got destroyed. You never want to feel like that again, so you go out of your way to avoid it. You want this award because you want everyone to believe you’re still the same whacko who burned down that town. It’s the only thing you think you know how to do anymore. But you’re not that dead inside.”

Sephiroth: “SHUT UP!!” *he gets in tseng’s face* “What? Are you some kind of shrink now? While you’re at it, why don’t you try to understand why you hate every second of your life as Turk but can’t walk away from Shinra, you brainwashed slut?! Speaking of that, why not try to figure out why you used to whore yourself all over Shinra!?”

(and with that he stalks away back over to the group. tseng stands there, alone)

Tseng: “You can still cut right to my core, Sephiroth. Just like you always could.”


(and so we go to the next day. lark is in the ramble room cleaning up when sephiroth walks in, modeling off a new suit)

Sephiroth: “Ta da! Bask in my glory!”

Lark: “You look nice! Did Shell help you pick that out?”

Sephiroth: “Yeah. Her…and Kuja.”

Lark: “Well they did a good job! Did you show Alucard?”

Sephiroth: *frowns* “…We’re…kind of…not talking.”

Lark: “What? Why? What happened?”

Sephiroth: “It’s all his fault, of course! He said that if I take the award I’m ‘not who he thought I was’.”

Lark: *frowns* “Oh.”

Sephiroth: “Meanwhile we haven’t had sex in three months – again, *all* his fault. I am just sick of dealing with him.”

Lark: *shakes head* “I really thought you were learning…”

Sephiroth: “Learning? Learning what?”

Lark: “….Well, you know… Learning…that relationships aren’t perfect. That they need work.”

Sephiroth: “Oh trust me, Lark. I already know that. I just don’t care.”

Lark: “But I thought you really liked him.”

Sephiroth: “Look – could we not talk about my lack of a love life right now please? I have more important things on my mind. Like my award!” *pause* “…Which you still haven’t congratulated me for.”

Lark: “Huh?”

Sephiroth: “Have you been talking to Vincent?”

Lark: “…….”

Sephiroth: *frowns* “That’s what I thought. Fine. Listen to the geezer! Someone has to!”

(and with that he storms out of the room. lark sighs and just continues to clean up the ramble room. several minutes later she can hear loud arguing from outside the door coming from vincent and auron. and of course, she goes and puts her ear to the door to listen better…)

Auron’s voice: “This is madness! You are wasting your time!”

Vincent’s voice: “You don’t know what you’re talking about. Now leave me!”

Auron’s voice: “I cannot leave you to meddle with things you should not try to change! He deserves that award!”

Vincent’s voice: “He does not! I do not wish to have this argument with you again!”

Auron’s voice: “If you do not deny he did horrible things, how can you argue against him receiving the award?!”

Vincent’s voice: “I have explained my reasoning to you enough times already! If you do not understand now, you never will.”

Auron’s voice: “He doesn’t love you!”

(and then there’s silence. lark frowns. then…)

Vincent: “You’ve made your point. Now go!”

(and the knob on the door turns. lark scurries away as the door opens, pretending to be busy. vincent comes in and closes the door behind him.)

Vincent: “Hello, Lark.”

Lark: “…Hi.”

Vincent: “…You heard all of that, didn’t you.”

Lark: “…Yeah. Sorry.”

Vincent: *sigh* “It is no matter. Auron…wishes for us to be together, but, I have no such wish.”

Lark: “Sephiroth was just here.”

Vincent: “Was he?”

Lark: “Yeah… He accused me of talking with you when I wouldn’t congratulate him on his award and then he stormed out saying some nasty stuff about you.”

Vincent: “I see. Well that is to be expected.”

Lark: “Vincent…there’s just something I don’t understand about him.”

Vincent: “You would be in great company on that, Lark. What is it?”

Lark: “Well… I told him I thought he was finally learning that relationships take work. But he said that he knew that already and he just didn’t care.”

Vincent: “I see.”

Lark: “Where does he get off saying that to me? He ruined our relationship because he was so jealous that you and I were still friends! And you – forget it! He dumps you left and right.”

Vincent: “Sephiroth…has been dealing with many issues for a long time now. I think you and I both know that.”

Lark: *nods*

Vincent: “There are many who would disagree with me on this, but he is not villain enough to take that award. He is too much of a human being.”

Lark: “He won’t listen to you, Vincent. I don’t think he would even listen to me.”

Vincent: “He won’t.” *small smile* “But I am hoping he might listen to his mother.”


(meanwhile, in loser land, kuja and seymour are flipping through fashion magazines, scarlet and nida are playing chess, heidegger is eating while stinky takes a nap, and hojo is on the computer)

Hojo: “I don’t believe this! According to the Official Video Game Villain of the Year Award Website, my son won this year’s award!”

Kuja: “Duh. I helped him pick out his outfit for the banquet last night.”

Seymour: “So did I!”

Kuja: “No. You got in the way.”

Hojo: “I can’t believe it! I was up for that award! Damnation! I never win anything!”

Scarlet: “You got those pictures of yours published in that closet pervert magazine you subscribe to.”

Hojo: “So what? I have tons of money. I want a trophy for my trophy case!”

Nida: “My trophy case is overflowing with my awards!”

Scarlet: “What, you mean the shoebox with the one ‘participant’ ribbon in it?”

Nida: “Shut up, whore!”

Hojo: “Well… I *am* the one who put all that genetic manipulation stuff into him. And I treated him pretty badly as a child. And I did all those experiments on him when he was young. And I hid the truth about everything from him. And it was because he found out the truth that he went crazy and did all that bad stuff… So, I suppose in a way I’m responsible for the way that he is. So, indirectly, it’s my award as well!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Whatever makes you feel better!”

Hojo: “I should call him and congratulate him.”

Kuja: “He won’t talk to you.”

Seymour: “Mmhm.”

Hojo: “Certainly he will! I’ll just call Lucretia to get his phone number…”

(so he goes to dial the phone…)

Nida: “Hahaha! Check mate, whore! I win!”

Scarlet: “No, you idiot. You just moved your pawn to my side of the board. This isn’t checkers. You don’t win.”

Nida: “Shut up, skank! I know how to play chess! I’m the Garden chess club champion!”

Heidegger: “There is no chess club! Gya haa haa!”

Nida: “Shut up, Heidegger!”

(meanwhile, hojo puts down the phone with a frown)

Hojo: “She wasn’t home. I’ll have to try another time.” *frowns* “I wonder where she went? It is not like Lucretia to leave the house. There’s another life I ruined…”

Kuja: “You’re ruining *my* life with your rambling! I’m trying to read!”

Hojo: *annoyed sigh* “Nothing I do is appreciated!”


(speaking of lucretia, sephiroth has just finished changing when there’s a knock at the door to his room.)

Sephiroth: “Who’s there?”

Lucretia’s voice: “It’s me, sweetie!”

Sephiroth: “Mom!”

(he opens the door and gives her a hug)

Lucretia: “How are you, dear?”

Sephiroth: “Mom! I can’t believe you’re here! What timing! I just found out that I won an award!”

Lucretia: *frowns* “I know.”

Sephiroth: *punches his fist into his palm* “Vincent.”

Lucretia: “I’m sorry, Sephiroth, but Vincent did call me to tell me about the award.”

Sephiroth: “So I’m guessing you’re not here to congratulate me either.”

Lucretia: “Sephiroth, I know this award may seem like a great accomplishment, but in your heart is this what you really want? To broadcast to the world that you’re completely evil?”

Sephiroth: “I can’t believe Vincent sent you here to lecture me!”

Lucretia: “Vincent didn’t send me here. I wanted to come. The things you have done in your past are wrong, Sephiroth. There’s no doubt in that. But you’ve come a long way from that.”

Sephiroth: “The hell I have!”

Lucretia: “You have. You never would have let me back into your life if you were still consumed with hate and closed off to the world like you were. You have compassion now. You can love.”

Sephiroth: “Oh please. You sound like a Hallmark card. I didn’t know they made them for evil villain children you haven’t seen in years.”

Lucretia: “Sephiroth, I am being serious.”

Sephiroth: “And so am I! Nobody is going to talk me out of taking this award! So you can tell your pal Vincent to stay out of my life!”

Lucretia: “Sephiroth! Listen to me! Vincent may have called me but that isn’t why I came here. I came here because I believe in you.”

Sephiroth: *confused* “What the hell are you talking about?”

(lucretia goes over to him, puts a hand on his arm and looks straight into his eyes)

Lucretia: “I believe that there’s more to you than you want people to see.”

Sephiroth: “You’re insane! I want everyone to know how great I am!”

Lucretia: “Sweetie…being evil doesn’t make you great.”

(sephiroth doesn’t say anything.)

Lucretia: “I said what I came here to say. I’ll talk to you at the end of the week.”

(and with that she leaves sephiroth alone to think…)


(and so, back at the headquarters for the controversial award, the committee is getting ready to start their meeting. bowser is straightening some papers. dedede is eating a snack. nightmare is tossing someone’s body out the door, and nemesis is knitting. dracula isn’t there.)

Nightmare: “You’ll think twice before you mess with Nightmare again, Kilik!” *slams door*

Bowser: *bangs gavel* “Alright, alright. Let’s get this meeting started.” *looks at nemesis* “Are you *knitting*?”

Nemesis: *glares* “STARS!”

Bowser: “…Uh, that’s fine. You can keep…knitting. Anyway. Does anyone have any business?”

Dedede: “We’re missing Dracula.” *quack*

Bowser: *annoyed sigh* “Where is he?”

Dedede: *quack* “In the bathroom.”

(just then, dracula emerges from the bathroom, happily brushing off his hands.)

Dracula: “Well now! The room looks much better now that I’ve decorated it!”

Bowser: “…What?”

Dracula: “There was this crepe paper just sitting on a roll in there doing nothing! So I flung it all around! It looks *great*!”

Everyone: “………….”

Bowser: “Dedede…go clean it up.”

(mumbling and quacking unhappily dedede goes into the bathroom while dracula takes his seat.)

Bowser: “Anyway, I found a caterer for the banquet on Friday night. So that’s one thing that’s out of the way.”

Dedede’s voice: *from the bathroom* “And King K. Rool says the Kremlings will usher!”

Bowser: “Okay. That’s two problems solved. What about security? Nightmare?”

Nightmare: “I thought Nightmare was in charge of the cake!”

Bowser: “No! That’s included in the catering! You were supposed to handle the security! We don’t want any more of those stupid heroes crashing our party like last year.” *scowls*

Dedede’s voice: *quack* “Well you did just recently kidnap the Princess…”

Bowser: “But she was in another castle!”

Dracula: “I live in a castle too! We should get together some time!”

Bowser: “Nightmare, are you going to be able to find security or not?”

Nightmare: “Nightmare and Nemesis will take care of it!”

Nemesis: “STARS.”

Dedede: *coming back* “What a mess it was in there! And now we’re out of toilet paper!”

Dracula: “I’ll go buy some more!”

Bowser: “No. You stay there. Last time you went to the store you never came back.”

Dracula: “They found me in a ditch!”

Bowser: “…Right. Anyway, as long as we have good security it seems like everything this year is going to run–“

(all of the sudden there is a loud crash and someone comes crashing through the roof. it’s kilik from soul caliber, who nightmare thought he had disposed of.)

Kilik: “Nightmare! You cannot get rid of me that easily!”

Nightmare: “Back for more? You’ll live to regret this day!”

(they start to fight. dracula claps and laughs. dedede goes back to his snack. nemesis tries on the hat he has knitted for himself. bowser gets up.)

Bowser: “I was going to say smoothly, unlike our meetings! I’ll see you all tomorrow. And have that roof fixed!”

Nemesis: “STARS.”

(he goes out into the parking lot and sees a limo parked there and rufus is getting out of it. in the background, zell is walking mr. jingles in his stroller)

Rufus: “Hey! You! You can’t get away from me so easily! I own types of transportation that haven’t been invented yet!”

Bowser: *long sigh* “What do you want?”

Rufus: “I want my money back!”

Bowser: “You said we could keep it! That you have more than that under your couch!”

Rufus: “I do! But I still want it back!”

Bowser: “No. You said we could keep it. And I have witnesses.”

Rufus: “And I have more lawyers than you have Koopas! And if you don’t give it back, you’ll be hearing from them!”

Bowser: “Is that your assistant with the bear in the stroller?”

Rufus: “…No! I think he’s Sephiroth’s.”

Zell: “Hey, Rufus! Do you want me to give Mr. Jingles his blankie? He seems a little chilly!”

Rufus: “Shut up, Zell!”

Bowser: “…Whatever.”

(he starts to walk away, and rufus can only call after him)

Rufus: “You’ll be sorry when you hear from my lawyers!”


(and now it’s the next day. lark is sitting in the ramble room by herself looking over some bills when vincent comes in…)

Lark: “More sex hotline calls?! I told the phone company to block those numbers!” *sigh*

Vincent: “Hello, Lark.”

Lark: “Oh! Hi, Vincent! What’s up?”

Vincent: “Lucretia spoke with Sephiroth yesterday.”

Lark: “Oh yeah? And…?”

Vincent: “She really did not have much to tell me. She did say he got quite quiet in the end. But it is hard to say whether or not he will listen.”

Lark: “I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.”

Vincent: “Precisely. Numerous people have spoken to him about it. You. Lucretia. Alucard. Tseng. Myself, although indirectly. We’ve all told him what sort of person we think he is. At this point he has to make his own decision.”

Lark: “Tseng talked to him?”

Vincent: “Yes. And Sephiroth got quite nasty with him from what I understand. That’s always been his reflex.”

Lark: “I just don’t think he understands just how many people care about him.”

Vincent: “There is more to it than either of us can hope to understand.”

Lark: “So…what do you think he’ll decide to do?”

Vincent: “It is pointless for me to even try to guess. Sephiroth is hardly predictable. But I do believe in the person I know he is.”

(then tseng pokes his head into the room.)

Tseng: “There you are, Vincent. Can we talk?”

Vincent: “Certainly. Good-bye, Lark.”

Lark: “See you later.”

(vincent leaves. and with a sigh lark picks up the phone and starts dialing)

Lark: “This stupid phone company better get it right this time!”

?????: “Hello, and welcome to the Solid Snake sex line. Where Snake isn’t only my code name.”

Lark: *jaw drops* “What the hell?! I must have dialed wrong!”

(but she doesn’t hang up. instead she listens for another moment.)

Lark: “Crap. I better hang up. They’re charging me right now.”

(but she doesn’t.)

Lark: “He certainly has a sexy voice…” *pause* “I should hang up.”

(but she still doesn’t, and she just keeps listening…)


(meanwhile, in loser land, hojo and kuja are in the main room when seymour comes in looking annoyed. hojo is on the phone in the background, kuja is flipping through another magazine)

Seymour: “Ugh! I cannot find anything to wear to the award ceremony!”

Kuja: “That’s because you don’t have anything that covers your face.”

Seymour: “Well at least my hair doesn’t look like a rat’s nest!”

Kuja: “You sure about that?”

Seymour: “Argh!”

(he storms out, and hojo slams the phone down angrily)

Hojo: “Lucretia is still not at home! Where am I supposed to get Sephiroth’s phone number?!”

(he looks at kuja, who casually flips another page in the magazine)

Hojo: “Oh, darling angel of mine, do you think you could call Tseng and get Sephiroth’s number for me?”

Kuja: *still looking at magazine* “I could, but I don’t know why I should.”

(hojo comes over and kneels down in front of him, looking at him lovingly)

Hojo: “If you do there’s jewelry from the Tiffany’s catalog in it for you.”

Kuja: *snaps fingers still looking at magazine* “Give me the phone.”


(meanwhile, back in the ramble room, tseng, alucard, vincent and lucretia are all sitting around talking…)

Alucard: “It was nice of you to invite me over.”

Tseng: “Well, Lark told us about what happened between you and Sephiroth.”

Alucard: “I see.” *pause* “Do you think it’s…over?”

Tseng: “Well I haven’t seen him with anyone else, so I would say no…”

Alucard: “That award just makes me sick! Dad’s always trying to get me to go but I just cannot stand being around all those people.”

Tseng: “I know. I’ve gone before with Rufus and it’s pretty scary. And I’m no angel myself.”

Lucretia: “It’s all my fault he did those things. I’m as bad as Alexander!”

Vincent: “Blaming yourself won’t help anything now, Lucretia. Besides, it was not your fault. Sephiroth dealt with his issues in a very horrible way in the past. No one knew who he was then. But he’s not that anymore.”

(just then someone’s cell phone starts to ring to the bee gee’s song ‘stayin alive’. everyone stares at tseng)

Tseng: *sweat drops* “Heh. That would be me. Excuse me.” *answers phone* “Hello?” *walks out of the room*

(there’s a silence)

Alucard: “You know my dad is actually on the committee that chooses who wins the award.”

Vincent: “Is he now?”

Alucard: “He causes more trouble than anything else, I think.”

Vincent: “Somehow that doesn’t surprise me.”

(then tseng comes back in, putting his cell phone away)

Tseng: “That was–“

(but before he can say anything else rufus comes marching into the room)

Rufus: “Tseng! Why aren’t you at work?”

Tseng: “You fired me for two hours yesterday.”

Rufus: “Well I’m taking that back! Get to work!”

Tseng: “Dammit.”

(he unhappily leaves the room.)

Rufus: “Anyone else hiding in here that works for me?”

Vincent: “No.”

Rufus: “Hey, Alucard – your father’s on that stupid villain committee, isn’t he?”

Alucard: “Yes.”

Rufus: “Well tell him to put in a good word for me, will ya? Dealing with that stupid lizard Bowser is getting really ass lancing!”

Alucard: *confused* “Okay…”

Rufus: “Well time is money! See ya!”

(and he leaves)

Alucard: “What was he talking about?”

Vincent: “When it comes to Rufus, no one wants to know.”


(meanwhile, it’s been about two hours and lark is still on the phone. she sits there, phone glued to her ear, listening intently. suddenly rufus bursts on it, but she doesn’t notice him right away…)

Rufus: “Lark!”

Lark: “Ack!!”

(she jumps a mile out of her seat, and the phone slips out of her hands and goes clattering to the floor in the process. she then quickly bends down to pick it up, fumbles it four times, before finally getting a hold on it and slamming it back down to hang it up. she looks nervous and flushed)

Lark: “Oh! Rufus. Hiya.”

Rufus: “Who were you talking to?”

Lark: “No one.”

Rufus: “Then why were you on the phone?”

Lark: “There was a thing…on the…how can I help you?”

Rufus: “Have you seen Reno? I have a feeling when I go into the office he won’t be there.”

Lark: “Nope. Haven’t seen him. I’ve been talking on the phone this whole time.”

Rufus: “You just said you weren’t talking on the phone.”

Lark: “….I have to go.”

(and she quickly gets up and leaves. rufus looks confused a moment, but then shrugs and leaves himself.)


(meanwhile in sephiroth’s room…he’s lying on his bed thinking when his phone rings)

Sephiroth: *sighs heavily* “Now they’re going to bother me with phone calls?” *picks up* “This is Sephiroth.”

Hojo’s voice: “Hi, son! It’s your dad!”

Sephiroth: *frowns and sits up* “You? What the hell do you want?”

Hojo’s voice: “I just wanted to congratulate you on your award! I’m so proud of you, son!”

(sephiroth gets a look of utter disgust on his face. he takes the phone away from his ear and stares at it in horror before looking angry and slamming the phone down to hang up.)

Sephiroth: “Why did you have to be the only one?!”

(and with that he angrily lies down again…)


(meanwhile, in tseng’s office at shinra, all the turks are there….doing nothing but staring blankly)

Elena: “…Why am I paying for daycare?”

(suddenly rufus comes in, all smiles)

Rufus: “Hey, everyone!” *sees reno* “Reno! I didn’t think I’d see you.”

Reno: “Yeah. Lucky for you I was really bored today.”

Rufus: “Well I have good news!”

Tseng: “I can’t take any more of your good news, Rufus.”

Rufus: “I want to impress the Video Game Villain of the Year Award Committee.”

Elena: “Haven’t you given up on that yet?”

Rufus: “Never! I’m the one who really deserves it!”

Reno: “Rufus, you’re a pretty crappy boss but you’re not bad enough to win villain of the year.”

Rufus: “Sure I am! They just think I’ve never killed someone–“

Rude: “You haven’t.”

Rufus: “But that will all change once I drag in the dead body I recently killed!”

Tseng: “What the hell are you talking about?”

Rufus: “Well, next time you guys…you know…get rid of someone I don’t like, you can bring the body back here and I’ll take credit for it.”

Turks: *stare at him in disgust*

Tseng: “…No.”

Rufus: “You can’t say no! I’m your boss! You’ll have to bring them back to perform a puppet show if I want you to!”

Tseng: “No, Rufus. That’s out of the question.”

Rufus: *frowns* “Fine.” *brightens* “I know! I bet one of you wants to pretend to be a dead body!”

Turks: *same disgusted stare*

Tseng: “…No.”

Reno: “No way, Rufus! That’s embarrassing! I don’t want anyone to think you could kill me.”

Rude: “Ditto.”

Elena: “Yeah, President Rufus. I don’t think anyone would buy that…”

Rufus: “Fine! I don’t need your help! Where’s Reeve?”

(and he goes wondering off)

Reno: “You know, Rufus is pretty bad, but there’s no way in hell he deserves that award. You gotta be really freakin’ evil to win that! And even if he did win he wouldn’t even want it! He wouldn’t want to admit he’s that bad! He just doesn’t like the idea that Sephiroth won something that he can’t.”

Tseng: *mutters to self* “Isn’t that sad…”


(and so, we go to the committee meeting. bowser, dedede and nemesis sit there looking bored. nemesis is wearing a pink scarf with hearts on it that he obviously knitted himself. dracula and nightmare haven’t arrived yet.)

Dedede: “…Did you make that scarf yourself?” *quack*

Nemesis: “STARS!”

Dedede: “It’s…cute.” *quack*

(then dracula comes in, and his head is on backwards)

Dracula: “Hello? Where is everyone? I must be the first one here!”

Bowser: “No. Your head is on backwards.”

Dracula: *gasp* “Oh no! You’re all invisible! What is that like?”

Bowser: “Just sit down!”

(and dracula can’t really see that well because his head is on backwards, so he stumbles towards his seat, tripping over everything in his path, including his own two feet. everyone else just watches in horror. finally dracula stumbles into his seat)

Dracula: “Phew! That was a lot harder than it should be!” *pause* “Boy, my neck hurts!”

Bowser: *sigh* “Where is Nightmare? I want to get this meeting started!”

(as if in cue, nightmare comes in, holding someone’s body over his head. he slams it down on the ground triumphantly. the unconscious body is ivy, from soul caliber)

Nightmare: “Nightmare is once again triumphant!”

Bowser: “Well do you think you could be triumphant in finding your seat? I wanna get started here!”

Dedede: *quack* “And put that body outside!” *quack*

(nightmare doesn’t look happy about it, but he picks up ivy and chucks her outside. he then finally goes to his seat and is next to nemesis again)

Nightmare: “Nightmare always gets shafted!”

Nemesis: *glares* “STARS!”

Bowser: “Okay, let’s get started. Does anyone have any business before we begin?”

Dedede: *quack* “Well, Rufus Shinra left another message on our voicemail for us this morning.”

Bowser: *sigh* “Let’s hear what the idiot has to say now.”

(so dedede presses the button to play the message)

Rufus’ voice: “Hi. This is Rufus Shinra. First I just wanna say wuz up to my main man Dracula. What’s hanging, dude?!”

Reno’s voice: “Man, you are so lame.” *chuckles*

Rufus’ voice: *snaps* “Shut up!”

Dracula: *chuckles* “I have no idea who that is!”

Rufus’ voice: “Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know that you’re making a big mistake by not picking me as Video Game Villain of the Year! I have killed so many people in the last few days! You would be in shock! But you can’t see them because…uh…well…they, uh, smell really bad and I need to get rid of them. Don’t want business to suffer. You know how it is. Anyway, if you change your mind about the award, just give me a call. I guess I could find the time in my busy schedule to come down there and accept it. You can reach me at home or at the office or at the ramble room or on my pager or my blackberry or my e-mail. It’s all on my application. Oh, and you can mail that money back to me. You have my address. I’ll talk to you soon!”

(dial tone. all the villains exchange looks)

Dedede: “For someone who’s so busy he certainly has a lot of time to bother us.” *quack*

Bowser: “Yeah! What a nut. Anyway, let’s move on to what we have to cover today. Now, the banquet is tomorrow, and everything is set except the security. Nightmare, did you find anyone?”

Nightmare: “Yes! These two come highly recommended!”

(and with that he slams a flyer down on the table. and who’s on the flyer? none other than mario and luigi. bowser starts to turn red and shake with anger)

Dedede: *quack* “Um…bad idea.”

Bowser: “YOU IDIOT! THOSE ARE MY ARCH RIVALS!!! You’re going to hire heroes to be security at the villain banquet?! We’re trying to protect our guests, not have them be pelted with fire balls!!”

Nightmare: “Well Solid Snake wanted too much! Three dollars a minute!”

Bowser: “SOLID SNAKE!!! NO!!!”

Dracula: “Invisible people make great entertainment!”

Dedede: *quack* “Nemesis, what are your ideas?”

Nemesis: *slams flyer on table* “STARS!”

(on his flyer are a bunch of zombies from resident evil)

Bowser: “No! What is wrong with you idiots!?!? We don’t want our guests to be eaten either! Do I have to do everything myself?!”

Dedede: *quack* “Well, I know a cloud that might take the job. He has one nasty lightning bolt attack. He can also rain on command.” *pause* “I think it’s a he.” *quack* “You can never be too sure with clouds.”

Bowser: *massaging his temples* “Why did I have to take this job? I have enough problems already…”

Dracula: “I know! I’ll call my relatives! They’ll love to be security! Plus, they always BTOB!”

Bowser: “I never thought I’d hear a good idea out of Dracula, but okay. At this point I’ll take it. What time can your family arrive?”

Dracula: “Huh?”


(meanwhile, back at the ramble room, lark is going to walk into the ramble room when…)

Rufus’ voice: “OMFG! Who was on the phone with the Solid Snake sex chat line for two hours today!?”

Lark: *freezes*

Tseng’s voice: “Hey! Don’t look at me!”

Reno’s voice: “And don’t look at me! If all the good ones were blocked I *still* wouldn’t call that one.”

(lark decides maybe now isn’t the best time to go in there. so she starts to head back, and as she goes to turn the corner to her room, who does she nearly bang right into? sephiroth.)

Lark: “Oops! Sorry.” *realizes who it is* “Oh. Hey, you.”

Sephiroth: *grunts*

Lark: “Um…what’s going on?”

Sephiroth: “Oh please. You don’t have to pretend to be nice to me.”

Lark: “Who’s pretending?”

Sephiroth: “I know you’re furious at me about the award.”

Lark: *blink blink* “No I’m not.”

Sephiroth: “Yes you are! You’ve all turned against me! You, my mother, Vincent, Tseng, Alucard!”

Lark: “No we haven’t!”

Sephiroth: “Well you’re not supporting me! So you’re against me!”

Lark: “No one is against you, Sephiroth. We’re just trying to help you!”

Sephiroth: “Oh! Is that it? And trying to not make me take this award is helping me?!”

Lark: “Look! I didn’t start talking to you to get into a fight!”

Sephiroth: “You don’t want to fight? Then tell me congratulations!”

Lark: *says nothing and doesn’t look at him*

Sephiroth: “That’s what I thought. Need I remind you, Lark, that for someone who ‘doesn’t deserve’ this award, I killed almost everyone in the ramble room once, and I almost killed you.”

Lark: “Oh god! That wasn’t you! That was Jenova! And you were sorry about it afterwards!”

Sephiroth: “If I was so sorry about it, would I have put it on my award application?!”

(lark’s jaw drops open for a moment, and she is caught off guard.)

Sephiroth: “So you and everybody else who thinks they know me can just shut up. I’m taking that award tomorrow. And no one can stop me.”

(and with that all lark can do is watch him walk away…)


(and at last it is friday, the day of the banquet. lark, rufus and reeve are sitting around, drinking morning beverages. rufus is looking at a bill. lark is looking uncomfortable)

Rufus: “I mean who would have called the Solid Snake sex chat line for two hours? It had to be someone gay…or a girl!”

Reeve: “It wasn’t me. You know I was at the office all day.”

Rufus: “But it can’t be a girl! Girls don’t call those kinds of things! Right, Lark?”

Lark: *jumps a mile* “Huh? What?”

Reeve: “Are you okay, Lark? You seem a little jumpy.”

Lark: “Uh…it’s nothing. Just…you know. Thinking…about stuff.”

Reeve: “You mean like Sephiroth’s award?”

Lark: “Yeah that.”

Rufus: *slams down bill* “That stupid award! You know, I’m invited to the ceremony tonight and I don’t even think I’m gonna go. They don’t want to give me the award, they can have their little banquet without Rufus J. Shinra!”

Reeve: “I’m sure they’ll get by somehow.”

(then vincent, lucretia, alucard and tseng come in the room)

Vincent: “Good morning, all.”

Lark: “Good morning, Vincent.”

Tseng: “So today’s Sephiroth’s ‘Big Day’.”

Alucard: “We can watch the banquet later…you know, to see what happens. They’re broadcasting it on AEON.”

Lark: “AEON?”

Alucard: “All Evil Overlord Network. Do you get that channel?”

Rufus: “We better! I pay for 563,972 of them!”


(cut to much later. in loser land, everyone is getting ready to go to the awards. hojo and heidegger are both wearing tuxes, but they still manage to look gross in them. kefka is wearing a suit made of different colored patches. no one else is ready yet.)

Hojo: *tapping watch* “We are going to be late for the ceremony!”

Seymour’s voice: “Well if Kuja didn’t have to admire how ugly he was for so long…”

Kuja’s voice: “Get away! You’ll crack my mirror!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I’m not allowed near the buffet!”

(then nida emerges, wearing a tux and grinning from ear to ear)

Nida: “Guess what? Scarlet asked me to be her date! I wasn’t even invited, because I’m not really a villain or anything, but now I get to go with Scarlet! ‘Cause she picked me! Me! And you know why she picked me? Because–“

Hojo: “Because she’s desperate.” *yells* “Let’s go ladies!!”

(finally seymour, kuja and scarlet emerge from the back. all of them are all done up for a fancy occasion. seymour is wearing a blue and green dress that looks like it’s made of snakeskin. scarlet is wearing a very skanky red dress that is cut way too low or high all over and everything is hanging out, and kuja is wearing a lovely shimmery red dress that just looks fabulous on him, of course)

Nida: “Wow, Scarlet! How much tape did you use to wear that?!”

Kuja: “Three rolls.”

Scarlet: “Shut up.”

Hojo: “You look just ravishing, my darling.”

Kuja: “Of course I do. I don’t just wear the skin of any creature who’s just as ugly as me, like some other people might.”

Seymour: “For your information, faux snake skin is very in right now!”

Kuja: “I don’t know what magazines you’ve been reading, but don’t contaminate them with mine.”

Hojo: “Please! We have no time for fighting. We must leave right now!”

Kefka: “Hehehehehehe!!! Brings back memories of *my* award…”

Everyone else: *exchange looks*

Seymour: “*He* won the award?”

Scarlet: “Come on. Does it really surprise you?”


(meanwhile, back at the TV room, lark, shell, tseng, reeve, rufus, reno, rude, vincent, auron, zell, irvine, lucretia, and alucard have are all sitting around the TV getting ready for the award ceremony to come on.)

Vincent: “Has anyone seen Sephiroth around today?”

Tseng: “No.”

Lark: “He must be there already.”

Auron: “There is no doubt in my mind that he will take the award. Evil doesn’t repent.”

Vincent: “Silence.”

Alucard: “Just because he’s there doesn’t mean he has to accept it.”

Reeve: “That’s true.”

Shell: “I guess we’ll find out if the camera really does add ten pounds.”

Lark: “Shell!”

Shell: “What??”

Tseng: “Hey, Rufus. Did Algus go to this thing?”

Rufus: “No. He’s up at his country estate overseeing some new flooring he’s having put in.”

Tseng: “Exciting.”

Rufus: “I know! I can’t wait to see how his new platinum tiling looks!”

(then seifer enters with Ashley)

Ashley: “Hey guys! What’s everybody watching?”

Zell: “We’re watching the Video Game Villain of the Year Award Ceremony. All the great video game villains were invited!”

Seifer: “What?! Hey! I wasn’t invited!”

Ashley: “He said great villains, hun.”

Shell: “Look! It’s starting!”

(they all look at the tv where it has a logo for the villain awards)

TV Voiceover: “Welcome to the Video Game Villain of the Year Award Ceremony preshow! And now here’s your red carpet host, Edea!”

Seifer: “What the hell?! They have her as the preshow host and I don’t even get invited!? We were a team! I was her knight! And she reformed! I didn’t! Just because I went fishing doesn’t mean I’m not evil!”

Ashley: “Shut up, Seifer.”

Edea: “Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Video Game Villain of the Year preshow. Tonight we’ll be meeting the great video game villains as they come down the red carpet and go into the theatre for the banquet and ceremony. As you all know, tonight we will be honoring Sephiroth of Final Fantasy VII. Ah! Here come the Quarter Knights from Wild Arms!”

(sure enough, here are berserk, alhazard, zeikfried and lady harkan from wild arms and none of them look happy.)

Edea: “How are you guys tonight? You’re certainly here early!”

Zeikfried: “We *have* to be here early.”

Lady Harkan: “We’re the ticket takers.”

Alhazard: “Yeah. Thanks to a certain someone who got us demoted.”

All: *look at berserk*

Berserk: “…What?”

Zeikfried: “You just *had* to pick a fight with Nightmare, didn’t you!”

Lady Harkan: “Now we’re stuck taking tickets like lowly villains!”

Alhazard: “You’ve ruined everything we’ve worked for!”

Berserk: “He was asking for it!”

Zeikfried: “He kicked your ass!”

Berserk: “I let him win!”

???: “Hey guys!!!”

(they all turn to see a guy with green hair running up to them)

Zeikfried: *annoyed sigh* “Zed. Aren’t you a valet?”

Zed: *frowns* “Yeah, but–“

Zeikfried: “Then get back to it!”

Zed: “I just wanna fit in!”

Zeikfried: “Go!!”

(zed slinks off.)

Alhazard: “…Just looking at Zed reminds me that it could be worse.”

Lady Harkan: “Just what I was thinking.”

(the quarter knights go off. edea turns back to the camera)

Edea: “Well that was interesting! And next on the red carpet we have Nemesis from the Resident Evil series! He’s part of the esteemed committee that chooses who receives the award. Nemesis! How are you feeling about tonight’s ceremony?”

Nemesis: *wearing a bowtie he knitted himself* “STARS.”

Edea: “Uh, okay. And some are saying that Sephiroth should have won the award sooner. What do you have to say to that?”

Nemesis: “STARS!”

Edea: “…Okay. Thanks for your time.”

Nemesis: “STARS!”

(he lumbers off.)

Edea: “He is certainly an…interesting…thing to say the least. Oh look! Here come a hodgepodge of villains from various Final Fantasy games!”

(the losers come on screen. kuja and seymour start posing for the camera)

Everyone: *seeing scarlet* “Ugh!”

Irvine: “What is she wearing?!”

Tseng: “I don’t know, but I’m sure it involved a roll of tape the size of the moon.”

Reno: “Man! She looks like an old whore!”

Reeve: “…She is an old whore.”

Edea: “Kuja! From Final Fantasy IX! You look simply amazing!”

Kuja: “Of course.”

Edea: “Can you tell us what made you choose your dress?”

Kuja: “My natural sense of style, of course.”

Edea: “And Seymour! You…you…you…you’re here!”

Seymour: *blink blink* “What about my dress?”

Edea: “Kefka, as a past award winner, do you have any advice for Sephiroth?”

Kefka: “Horseradish!!!” *cackles*

Edea: “All right…and Scarlet! That is…uh…an interesting dress you’ve chosen!”

Scarlet: “You’re no prude yourself, sister.”

Edea: “Who is your date?”

Scarlet: “Huh?”

Edea: “This young man you’re with.”

Scarlet: “Who?”

Nida: “Me, you whore!”

Scarlet: “Oh! I forgot you were here!” *laughs* “Memory loss is the side effect of one of my pills.”

Nida: “Edea! Don’t you remember me?! I’m from your game!”

Edea: “Um…you weren’t that kid I used as my knight were you?!”

Seifer: “What?!”

Zell: “Haha, Seifer! She just dissed you bad!”

Seifer: “Cram it, chicken wuss!”

Nida: “No! I drove the Garden!”

Edea: “I’m sure you did. Heidegger! How are you feeling tonight?”

Heidegger: “Hungry! Gya haa haa!”

Edea: “I heard your boss, Rufus Shinra, won’t be making an appearance tonight. Do you have any comment on that?”

Heidegger: “Can I eat the microphone? Gya haa haa!”

(edea looks disgusted and pulls the microphone away. she turns to hojo)

Edea: “Dr. Alexander Hojo! This must be an exciting night for you! After all, Sephiroth is your son!”

Hojo: “Yes, Edea, it is exciting. Because I like to think it was my neglect and abuse that turned him into what he is today.”

Vincent: “You’re the monster, Hojo!!”

Lucretia: “How can he say that about Sephiroth?!”

Edea: “Well many congratulations to you and your son.”

Hojo: “Thank you.”

Lucretia: “He doesn’t deserve to call Sephiroth his son!”

Edea: “Oh! Next we have Nightmare, from Soul Caliber! He is also on the committee! Nightmare! Nightmare! Can you spare a moment to talk with AEON?”

(nightmare starts to come over, but before he can he is bombarded by someone who jumps right in front of him. it’s maxi from soul caliber)

Maxi: “Nightmare! This is the end of the line for you! You killed my crew!!”

Nightmare: “No. That was actually Astaroth.”

Maxi: “…Oh. Right. Sorry to bother you.”

Nightmare: “It’s okay. We might as well fight.”

Maxi: “Very well! This time you shall not walk away!”

Nightmare: “No one challenges Nightmare and lives to tell the tale!”

Maxi: “And no one messes up my hair!”

(they start fighting. everyone in the area screams and runs away as their battle spills over the red carpet area and into the background. edea just watches in shock)

Edea: “Um…okay. We’ll have to catch him at the after party. But it looks like the rest of the committee is arriving, because here comes Dracula!”

(sure enough, there is dracula, with the vampire family in tow. uncle herb is there, handing out pamphlets)

Edea: “Dracula, you’re the oldest member of the committee. Do you ever find these ceremonies boring?”

Dracula: “No! I love the circus!”

Edea: *looks confused* “Okay… Well what do you think of this year’s recipient, Sephiroth?”

Dracula: “I think she could use a boob job!”

(edea just stands there looking confused as dracula and his family move on. uncle herb pauses to hand her a brochure, which only makes her look more confused)

Vincent: “If you don’t mind my asking, Alucard… Who did your father vote for to win the award?”

Alucard: “Hostess cakes. He thinks they’re the devil.”

Edea: “Oh wow! Here come the President and Vice-President of the award committee! Bowser and Dedede!”

Bowser: “Hello.”

Dedede: *quack*

Edea: “You must have put a lot of work into planning this year’s event.”

Bowser: “Well, I–“

Edea: “It’s Sephiroth!!! Sephiroth has arrived!!”

(and the whole place starts going crazy. edea just starts shouting sephiroth’s name, trying to get his attention. bowser and dedede look annoyed and walk off. there are a ton of cameras snapping pictures and other people calling out to sephiroth, trying to get him to come over and talk with them. but sephiroth just walks on forward, glowering. he goes inside the building without saying a word to anyone. edea looks disappointed.)

Edea: “We’ll be right back after this commercial break.”

(and it goes to commercial)

Tseng: “Boy. Didn’t he look happy.”

Rufus: “He didn’t even bring a date! What a loser!”

Zell: “Rufus, Mr. Jingles said he had fun at the movies with you last night.”

Reno: “Yeah. Sephiroth is the real loser here.”

Rufus: “Shut up, Reno.”

Vincent: “Sephiroth did look rather meaner than usual.”

Shell: “And Scarlet looked fatter. I think the camera really does add ten pounds!”

Rude: “No one else seemed fatter.”

Shell: “Well dressing well makes you look slimmer! Don’t you know anything about fashion, Rude?”

Rude: “Obviously not.”

Auron: “It’s back on.”

(they all turn their attention back to the tv where the award show has come back on. the ceremony is starting and bowser is on stage stepping up to the podium)

Bowser: “Good evening, fellow villains. Every year it is the job of the Video Game Villain of the Year Award committee to choose a villain who has shown outstanding evillness to receive the award. My colleagues and I pour over numerous applications of villains who believe their evildoings qualify them to win the award. But at the end of the day there can only be one villain who has committed such horrible acts that he or she can be crowned the true villain of the year. This year’s winner has committed many horrible acts that would make us all proud. We’ve put together a brief film of his highlights of evil.”

(and bowser steps aside as a big screen is lowered down in the back. the words ‘the greatest accomplishments of sephiroth’ appear on screen)

Lucretia: “Oh goodness, I cannot watch this.” *covers her eyes*

Vincent: “Greatest accomplishments indeed. This whole event makes me ill!”

Rufus: “I don’t like the way they’ve edited these clips together. When I win I’m making my own film, Reeve.”

Reeve: *rolls his eyes*

(the film ends and the audience claps enthusiastically. they show sephiroth, who shows no emotion whatsoever, and they show hojo who is clapping most enthusiastically of all. bowser comes back to the podium. the other members of the award committee are standing off to the side)

Bowser: “And now I’d like to invite the recipient of this year’s award to please come up and accept the trophy…from Final Fantasy VII…Sephiroth!”

(and the crowd goes wild again. and most of the people in the ramble room are holding their breath as the camera pans over to sephiroth. he still looks unemotional. but he stands up and slowly walks up the steps to the stage where bowser is holding the award. he walks right over and takes the award. lucretia starts to cry. vincent shakes his head sadly. sephiroth takes the podium and stares out over the crowd)

Sephiroth: “This is an award that I’ve wanted for a long time. And now…here it is in my hand. As I look out at all of you, I can see what kind of company I’m in. And I can see what kind of people are happy for me.”

(and that’s it. there’s a moment of silence as sephiroth turns away from the podium and walks backstage. bowser looks stunned a moment, but then he snaps to it and starts clapping, which leads to everyone else clapping. suddenly there’ s large crash as someone falls in from the ceiling. there’s screaming, and there’s maxi again)

Maxi: “You won’t be free of me that easily, Nightmare!”

Nightmare: *running towards him with his sword* “Nightmare likes a challenge!”

Bowser: “Dammit! Where’s our security!?!?”

Dedede: “I think they’re handing out flyers in the back!” *quack*

Bowser: “I should have known better than to trust Dracula!”

Dracula: “Obviously!” *chuckles*

Bowser: “Someone do something about that roof!”

Nemesis: “STARS!”

(and with that, someone turns the tv off. everyone turns to see vincent with the remote)

Vincent: “I don’t wish to see anymore.”

(and after that everyone starts to trickle out of the room, there’s seifer ranting on about how mad he was that he’s not invited to an annoyed Ashley, and rufus talking about how he’s going to hire a professional speech writer for when he accepts his award to zell, reno and irvine, and finally shell telling rude that they need to go shopping. that leaves lark, vincent, auron, reeve, tseng, lucretia and alucard in the room)

Tseng: *shaking head* “I can’t believe he took it.”

Reeve: “I hate to say I told you so…”

Tseng: “Reeve…*please*.”

Reeve: “…….”

Lucretia: *still crying* “My poor, poor baby!”

Vincent: *sad sigh*

Auron: “Well what’s done is done. You did what you could.”

Alucard: “I’m not sure what I was expecting him to do. But whatever it was, it wasn’t that.”

Lark: *sigh* “Now that I feel disappointed, I guess I thought he wouldn’t take it.”

Vincent: *stares at the blank tv*


(much, much later that night, the ramble room is deserted when sephiroth comes in. he checks inside and sees that it’s empty before going to his own room. once inside he shuts the door with a long sigh, looking down at the trophy he holds in his hand. he leans against the door for a moment, still staring at it.)

Sephiroth: “I knew I could prove them wrong…but now I only feel as cheap as this award.”

(and with that he breaks the award in half and tosses it into the garbage)


(the next day, everyone has put their garbage outside their room and poor vincent is going around collecting it. he is standing outside of rufus’ room waiting as rufus drags a huge bag out of his room and drops it to the ground. he’s out of breath)

Rufus: “Phew! Mr. Jingles’ new outfits sure come with a lot of packaging. But it’s sure worth it! You wanna see his yacht club outfit?”

Vincent: “No…not today. I think I’ll go pick up a few smaller bags and come back for this one.”

Rufus: “Fine. Just don’t leave it here till next week. Last time Reno was on garbage duty, that’s what he did. And I still fire him when I think about that.” *looks angry* “Like now. Where is that idiot? RENO!”

(he walks off down the hall. vincent sighs and goes to the next door which has garbage he hasn’t collected yet. it’s sephiroth’s. there’s only a small bag outside but vincent goes to pick it up and finds it’s rather heavy and there is the sound of metal clanking together inside.)

Vincent: “What on earth is making this so heavy?”

(and he opens the bag, finding inside the remains of sephiroth’s villain award. and vincent can’t help but smile, some tears of joy welling up in his eyes)

Vincent: “I knew I knew you, angel.”


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