Rufus: “But how could it disappear?! And on Porch Swing Appreciation Day at that!”
Originally Published: 12/6/05 . 9 pages
Synopsis
The porch swing disappears on it’s own appreciation day! Can the ramble gang track down the thief?
Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.
This ramble was not my idea, but it took me awhile before I actually wrote it. If you don’t know what Rufus’ and Algus’ shirts mean…the answer is in the next ramble. Spoiler alert!
(in the ramble room we have reeve feeding lily a bottle, tseng reading the paper, lark, sephiroth, reno and irvine playing cards, and zell sitting on the couch reading a storybook to mr. jingles. zidane is happily eating a bowl of cereal. suddenly rufus walks in with algus.)
Rufus: “We’re back from our business trip! Did you miss us?”
Tseng: “No.”
Rufus: “Is this the kind of reception we get after all those days of being away?!”
Reeve: “Rufus, you were gone overnight.”
Rufus: “Yes! And I’m surprised this place is still standing!”
Algus: “Slave! What is that you’re consuming?”
Zidane: “Um…poison.”
Algus: “Poison? Really?”
Zidane: “…Yeah.”
Algus: “And since when does poison come in the shape of marshmallow hearts, stars and clovers, among other assorted shapes?”
Zidane: “……. ……. ………You’ll never get me lucky charms!!!”
(he gets up and runs away. algus sighs, removing his gloves)
Algus: “I’m just back and already I have to dish out a punishment.”
(rufus and algus take their coats off. rufus is wearing a shirt that says ‘uke’ on it. algus’ says ‘seme’. everyone stares at them in confusion, except tseng, who laughs)
Tseng: “Hey, Rufus, I see you guys are wearing the shirts I got you.”
Rufus: “Yeah! Thanks, Tseng! I love funny Japanese words! It’s so trendy!”
Algus: “Ah, yes. And we did get many compliments on him.”
Rufus: “I still don’t understand why that guy gave me his phone number.”
Lark: “Uh, Rufus–“
Sephiroth: “No, Lark. Don’t kill the humor yet.”
(rufus goes over to pick up mr. jingles)
Rufus: “Mr. Jingles! I know you missed me!”
Zell: “I slept with Mr. Jingles while you were gone.”
Rufus: *gasps* “Mr. Jingles! You slut!”
Tseng: *looking up from his paper* “What?”
Sephiroth: “No, Tseng. For once no one was talking about you.”
(zidane comes back in)
Algus: “There you are, slave! How dare you run out on me! You’ll be punished later!”
Zidane: *sigh* “I know.”
Irvine: “Dude…why did you come back?”
Zidane: *grins* “I love punishments.”
Rufus: “Anyway, on the drive home I was thinking… You know what goes unappreciated a lot around here?”
Lark: “Red?”
Zell: “Ward?”
Reno: “Rude?”
Sephiroth: “Me?”
Lark: *gives him a look*
Sephiroth: “You know it’s true.”
Rufus: “No! The porch swing!”
Sephiroth: “The porch swing?!”
Irvine: “I forgot we had one!”
Reeve: “I’m surprised you still like the porch swing, Rufus. Considering what happened to you last time you were sitting on it.”
Rufus: “Shut up, Reeve. The porch swing is an important ramble room feature! So that is why I’ve decided to declare today Porch Swing Appreciation Day!”
Zell: “But’s it’s already 8 o’clock at night.”
Zidane: “Yeah. That’s not much of a *day*.”
Rufus: “It’s fine. Shut up.”
Tseng: “And it’s December. I don’t think anyone wants to sit on the porch swing when it’s cold out.”
Rufus: “Yes they do.”
Reno: “Can it be Sex Day too?”
Rufus: “No! Porch Swing Appreciation Day stands alone!”
Reeve: “You mean Porch Swing Appreciation 4 hours.”
Rufus: “Everyone’s heard enough from you, Reeve. Now why don’t we all go outside and give the porch swing some respect.”
Zidane: “You mean more respect than the time Alucard threw up on it.”
Rufus: “Let’s go!”
(so for some reason, probably boredom or sick curiosity, zidane, zell, reeve, tseng, sephiroth, irvine, reno and lark follow rufus and algus to where the porch swing is. or is supposed to be anyway. it’s gone.)
Rufus: “What the…?! What happened to the porch swing?!”
Tseng: “Looks like it ran away. Just like Mr. Jingles did that time.”
Reno: “Yeah, Rufus. Everything you love hates you.”
Rufus: “Shut up! Everybody just shut up!” *glares* “Okay, who did this?!” *looks at sephiroth*
Sephiroth: “Shinra, I have better things to do than toy with your stupid porch swing.”
Rufus: “But how could it disappear?! And on Porch Swing Appreciation Day at that!”
Reeve: “You mean Porch Swing Appreciation 4 hours.”
Rufus: “Reeve! I am not in the mood for your lame jokes. Somebody stole the swing!”
Lark: “But who would take it? Nobody even looks twice at it.”
Rufus: “Ah ha! Maybe it was the Gundam Wing jerks! They tried to move it that time!”
Reno: “They only did that ’cause me and a bunch of the guys tricked them so that we could get rid of them.”
Lark and Rufus: “What?”
Reno: “Uh… Have I mentioned I’ve been drinking?”
Irvine: “Without me?!”
Zell: “Rufus, you sure you didn’t send it out for painting or something? Remember when you thought someone had stolen your Rolls Royce, but you really were having an oil change?”
Rufus: “No! This is not like a car which I have tons of and easily forget what I’ve done with them! This is a porch swing! I only have one! And somebody stole it!”
Algus: “Some damned peasants probably stole it so they could sell it to buy grain at the market! Zidane! What do you know of this?”
Zidane: “Why do you always think I’m behind everything?”
Sephiroth: “Okay, I’m done here. I’m going over to Alucard’s.”
Rufus: “Good idea! Maybe they saw who stole it!”
Sephiroth: “I don’t think so, Rufus. But I’m sure, if you want, Dracula can make up a story about how he did.”
(but that doesn’t stop rufus. so the whole troupe starts to march over to dracula’s. and indeed dracula is sitting on a porch swing, but it’s not the same porch swing. alucard stands there as well, looking annoyed)
Rufus: “Ah ha! The porch swing!”
Dracula: “You like it? I made it myself!”
(on closer inspection it’s made of bones)
Alucard: “I hate to tell you he did.”
Rufus: “Ugh. Well that’s not the porch swing I’m looking for.”
Alucard: “Is yours missing?”
Sephiroth: “Apparently someone was bored enough to steal it. Or something. Who cares? It’s the stupid porch swing.”
Algus: “Perhaps you saw the rouges who did it?”
Alucard: “No. But then again, I was inside all day. You know, with the sun being out and all.”
Reno: “Oh well. They don’t know. Let’s go back to the ramble room and watch porn instead.”
Irvine: “Hells yeah!”
Lark: “No way! You watched porn on the TV last night.”
Rufus: “Could you stop the porn conversation please? I am trying to do some detective work!”
Reeve: “Detective work? You asked Alucard if he saw anything, he said no. What else are you going to do?”
Alucard: “Rufus… Are you and Algus together or something?”
Rufus: “Well, we are best friends if that’s what you mean.”
Alucard: *frowns* “Well, it’s just because your shirts say–“
Sephiroth: *coughmumble* “Shutup!” *mumblecough*
Dracula: “Sit on this swing with me, Alucard!”
Alucard: “No, dad. That thing looks like it’s going to break any second.”
Dracula: “Nonsense, Alucard! This is as solid as a cat in a chimney!”
Alucard: “That doesn’t make any sense.”
(dracula laughs and swings on the swing, which does collapse into a pile of bones. dracula just laughs some more)
Dracula: “Time for a dip in the olllllllllllllllllld swimming hole!”
Rufus: “I think we’re done here.”
Algus: “Perhaps we should inquire if the Belmont’s noticed anything.”
Zell: “Yeah, they’re always looking out the window.”
Sephiroth: “Yeah. And they keep buckets of holy water handy. Count me out.”
Dracula: “Alucard! Why don’t you and your girlfriend come on in? The water’s great!”
Sephiroth: “…On second thought it does make my hair look extra shiny.”
(so the gang starts to head across the street towards the belmonts. sephiroth is the last to start to go.)
Alucard: *sigh* “Fine. Just leave me here with him.”
Dracula: “Alucard! Help!! The sea monkeys are pulling me under!”
Sephiroth: “…Yeah. Have fun with that.”
(and so across the street they go to the belmonts. algus rings the doorbell and franswa answers the door, because franswa always answers the door)
Franswa: “Oh. It’s you guys.”
Zell: “Hey, buddy! Have you seen our porch swing??”
Franswa: *eyes get wide* “Uh…no.”
Rufus: “You’re obviously lying! Turks! Seize him!”
(no one moves)
Rufus: “Turks!” *turns to reno and tseng angrily*
Reno: “Huh? Sorry, I totally zoned out.”
Tseng: “And I just don’t care.”
Franswa: “Uh, look, I have to go. I have pastries in the oven.”
Trevor: “Franswa! Come help us finish chopping this swing into stakes!”
Franswa: “Oh crap.”
Rufus: “What?!”
(and everyone goes stomping into the living room where the elder belmonts sit with the mutilated remains of the porch swing. around them lay many wooden stakes)
Rufus: “My swing! My swing! What did you do to my swing!?”
Simon: “We needed the wood.”
Juste: “It was an emergency! We needed the wooden stakes to get the vampires with!”
Trevor: “They were seen walking down the street in front of the house last night! Far too close for comfort!”
Richter: “And wood is the only thing that works when it comes to stakes.”
Rufus: “Haven’t you ever heard of a tree!?”
Franswa: “I told them not to do it! But they wouldn’t listen to me!”
Simon: “Silence, traitor!”
Rufus: “Well you’ve ruined my porch swing! You better pay to replace it!”
Trevor: “Isn’t the peace of mind that you’re safe from unholy demons of the night payment enough?”
Rufus: “NO!”
Trevor: *sigh* “Very well. Franswa, fetch this man some money to replace the swing.”
(franswa goes off muttering unhappily)
Lark: “Well that solves that mystery.”
Sephiroth: “That’s a half hour of my life I’d like back.”
Lark: “You chose to come along!”
Sephiroth: “Well believe it or not the alternatives were even worse!”
Zidane: “At least the new porch swing won’t smell like vomit.”
Algus: “Well, Rufus, at least you’re getting the porch swing replaced at no cost to you!”
Rufus: “Yeah, but it’s still annoying. Now Porch Swing Appreciation Day is ruined!”
Reeve: “You mean Porch Swing Appreciation 4 hours.”
Rufus: “Dammit, Reeve!”
THE END
The Rambles Live! 