Rude: “…Mr. Jingles just pooped on your rug.”

Originally Published: 12/06/05 . 11 pages

Synopsis
When Rufus can’t find Mr. Jingles and finds a real bear in his place, he thinks Mr. Jingles has turned real! Can anyone convince him otherwise?

Ramble Milestones
-We learn Mr. Jingles’ first name is Thaddeus.

I love this ramble because it’s short and funny. If I had tried to drag the bear thing on it would have gotten stupid. And at least Rufus’ insanity is consistent – in a previous ramble we did learn he bathes the bear in Phoenix downs because someday he’ll be a real bear.

 

(sephiroth, lark and tseng are sitting in the ramble room as usual reading various things when rufus comes tearing in looking frantic.)

Rufus: “I can’t find Mr. Jingles!”

(no one even looks up)

Rufus: “EXCUSE ME! I said I can’t find Mr. Jingles!”

Sephiroth: “No one cared the first time, Shinra.”

Rufus: “Well where is Zell?! I pay him to care!”

Tseng: “I think he said he went to the comic book store.”

Rufus: “And where is Algus?! He’s my friend! He has to care!”

Lark: “He muttered something about another zero in his bank account and left.”

Rufus: “How can they dessert me a time like this!?! Call the newspapers! The TV stations! Call the police! My baby is missing!!”

Lark: “Calm down, Rufus. Just think about the last time you saw him.”

Rufus: “He was sleeping in my bed! He likes to take his nap there rather than in his own. But when I went to check up on him he was gone!!”

Everyone: “……..”

Sephiroth: *just keeps reading* “…It’s still less crazy here than at Dracula’s.”

Rufus: “Oh Mr. Jingles!” *bursts out crying*

(reno, irvine and rude enter)

Reno: “Hey, everybody!” *sees rufus* “Oh no. Did he find out I’ve been using the computers at work to look up porn?”

Rufus: *crying too much to answer*

Tseng: “No. Mr. Jingles is missing.”

Irvine: “Again?”

Rufus: “Have you seen him?!”

Reno: “No. We’ve been at the bar all day.”

Rufus: “The bar! Why aren’t you at work??”

Reno: “Why aren’t you?”

Rufus: “You’re fired!”

Reno: “That’s fine. Catch you later.”

(he and irvine leave. Rude starts to follow)

Rufus: “No, Rude! Get back here! Mr. Jingles is missing! Maybe they took him for ransom! Someone might be trying to kill me! Will you take a bullet for me, Rude?”

Rude: “I wish I could say no.”

Tseng: “Rufus, you’re being crazy! Maybe Mr. Jingles fell off the bed or something. Why don’t you look on the floor?”

Rufus: “I’d wrinkle my pants!”

Rude: *sigh* “I’ll do it.”

Rufus: “It’s nice to know you’re good for something, Rude. Let’s go, everyone.”

Sephiroth: “Everyone? I’m not moving.”

Rufus: “Yes you are!”

Sephiroth: “Why?”

Rufus: *whines* “Lark!!”

Lark: “Come on, Sephy.”

Sephiroth: *unhappily getting up* “This is so stupid.”

(so rude, tseng, sephiroth and lark all follow rufus to his room. Then zell comes running up, a piece of paper in hand)

Zell: “Rufus!! Rufus!! I just heard!! Have you found him yet?”

Sephiroth: *rolls eyes* “Oh god, the idiots are multiplying.”

Rufus: “We’re going to check the room again. Hopefully we’ll find him unharmed!”

Zell: “Okay, well after what happened last time I drew this flyer up just in case!”

(he hands the piece of paper to rufus. It’s a ‘missing’ flyer that features a really crappy drawing of a bear and lists a bunch of statistics about mr. jingles underneath)

Rufus: “Good work, Zell. Hopefully we won’t need it.”

(they continue on to the room and when they get there they pause outside the door. Rufus presses his ear against it)

Rufus: “I don’t hear anything.” *steps back and shoves rude in front of him* “You go first, Rude. If you die, it’ll be an honorable death.”

Rude: *with absolutely no enthusiasm* “Yay.”

(rude opens the door and everyone stares in shock. Why? Because there is a huge, real live bear in the room!)

Sephiroth: “And I really thought I’d seen it all.”

Rufus: *grins* “Mr. Jingles!!!!”

(he runs over towards the bear, arms outstretched)

Lark: “Rufus!! No!!”

Rufus: *hugging the bear* “I knew if I wished hard enough you’d become a real bear!”

Tseng: “Rufus, get away! That is a *real* bear!”

Rufus: “At last!”

Sephiroth: “No, you idiot. That is a real bear! That is not your stupid stuffed bear come to life!”

Rufus: “He is real! All because I believed in him!”

(Everyone exchanges a look)

Zell: “Uh, Rufus… I don’t think that’s Mr. Jingles.”

Bear: *growls angrily*

Rufus: *steps back* “You tell them, Mr. Jingles! You show them all!” *frowns at zell* “I thought better of you, Zell.”

Lark: “Rufus, Zell is right! That is not Mr. Jingles! Somehow a real bear got into your room!”

Rufus: “That is ridiculous! Why would a real bear just crawl into my room?!”

Rude: “…Well, you did leave your huge bedroom window open.”

Tseng: “And the whole room smells like honey.”

Rufus: “That’s from Mr. Jingles’ personal aroma therapy candles. He finds that scent relaxing. Don’t you, Mr. Jingles?”

Bear: *angry growl*

Sephiroth: “Fine. You want to die at the hands of an angry, vicious wild animal, please do. I can’t stand anymore crazy people.”

Rufus: “Then how can you stand yourself?”

Lark: “Okay! Sephiroth, why don’t you just go back to the ramble room and read your book?”

Sephiroth: *glaring at rufus* “Gladly.” *he leaves*

Lark: “Rufus. Please. I know it may seem like this is really Mr. Jingles, but this is a real bear! It’s a wild animal! That’s something that Mr. Jingles can never be.”

Rufus: “Stop it! You’re all just jealous!”

Tseng: “Jealous of what?”

Rufus: “Jealous that…shut up, Tseng! Mr. Jingles is real and that’s final!”

Rude: “…Mr. Jingles just pooped on your rug.”

Rufus: *turning* “What?!”

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(the ramble room, two days later. Lark is sitting there with zell and tseng.)

Tseng: “So Rufus is still walking around with that bear, huh?”

Zell: “Yeah! He’s convinced it’s Mr. Jingles and won’t let anyone tell him otherwise! He fired me from being his babysitter! And I’m glad! ‘Cause that thing tried to bite me!”

Lark: “Rufus wants Mr. Jingles to be real so much that he doesn’t care what this bear does! There are claw marks all over the door to his room!”

Tseng: “Can’t you do something, Lark? That thing might get loose and hurt somebody!”

Lark: “I’ve tried! But he keeps going on a rant about how he owns everything and can keep his bear if he wants to.”

(there’s a growl heard from down the hall, followed by a scream. Vincent then comes running into the ramble room, slamming the door behind him)

Vincent: “My goodness! There is a bear in the hallway!”

Tseng: “Crap, Rufus is coming.”

Lark: “I’d get away from the door if I were you Vincent.”

Zell: “And hide your good hand! Mr. Jingles goes for those first!”

Vincent: *blink blink* “Pardon…?”

(and just as he steps away from the door rufus enters with the bear. The bear is wearing a baby bonnet and is attached to a chain leash. Rufus holds the other end of the leash, as well as reno’s shockrod. He also looks pretty beat up, and there’s rips in his clothes)

Rufus: “Good afternoon! How is everyone?”

Everyone: *looks scared of the bear*

Rufus: “Sorry if Mr. Jingles scared you, Vincent! He’s really harmless!”

Vincent: “If he’s so harmless why do you look so bruised?”

Rufus: “Oh, he was just playing! Weren’t you, Mr. Jingles?”

Bear: *scary growl*

Everyone: *huddles together in fear*

Lark: “Uh, Rufus, I think Mr. Jingles would be better off somewhere else. …Far away from here.”

Zell: “Yeah! Like a nature preserve!”

Tseng: “Or a zoo.”

Rufus: “No! Mr. Jingles belongs with me! Sure he might be a little big, and he has no control of his bodily functions, but he’ll learn! I’m teaching him! Why do you think I borrowed this for?” *holds up shockrod*

Tseng: “Reno let you have that?”

Rufus: “Let me? I’m his boss! I can take whatever I want! Besides, he left it in the bathroom.”

Bear: *tries to claw the couch*

Rufus: “No!! Bad, Mr. Jingles! Bad!” *shocks him*

(everyone flinches as the bear gives an annoyed roar and turns angrily towards rufus)

Rufus: “Lay down!!! Laaaaaaay down!!”

(then sephiroth comes in. he stops as soon as he sees the bear)

Sephiroth: “Oh god. Do you plan to come out of your delusional world anytime soon?”

Rufus: “Shut up, Sephiroth! Mr. Jingles is a perfect gentlemen.”

Sephiroth: “He’s eating your hat.”

Rufus: *touching his head* “What?!” *turns to see the bear has his hat sticking out of his mouth* “No, Mr. Jingles! Bad!” *charges shockrod*

(then reno comes in with irvine. they both look shocked at seeing the bear)

Irvine: “Whoa! What’s that bear doing in here?”

Reno: “Hey! I was looking for my shockrod!”

Rufus: “Step back, Reno! I need it to keep Mr. Jingles in line!”

Reno: “What?! Mr. Jingles!?! Do you have any drugs you’re not sharing?”

Sephiroth: “That would certainly make more sense.”

Rufus: “Shut up! All of you! Thaddeus J. Jingles! Give my hat back right now!”

Bear: *swallows hat*

Everyone: “Thaddeus?!”

Irvine: “You named your bear Thaddeus?”

Reno: *snort* “Thaddeus.”

Bear: *scary growl*

Everyone: *huddles together in fear*

Tseng: “Rufus, that thing is dangerous! You have to get it out of here!”

Rufus: “Don’t refer to Mr. Jingles that way! He’s got more manners than all of you!”

Vincent: “Um, he is relieving himself on the rug.”

Irvine: “Dude, gross.”

Lark: “Dammit, Rufus!”

Rufus: “No, Mr. Jingles! No!! You’re supposed to do that in the bathroom!”

Sephiroth: “You’ve been teaching the bear to use the bathroom?”

Rufus: “Yes! He’s been watching me but he still can’t get the hang of it.”

Reno: “Oh god, that is all kinds of nasty.”

Zell: “Rufus! That is not Mr. Jingles!”

Rufus: “You lie! He’s the friendliest bear ever!”

Bear: *smacks rufus in the back of the head*

Rufus: *grabbing his head* “Ow!!! That’s it, Mr. Jingles! You need a time out!”

(with that he pulls on the leash and drags a growling mr. jingles out of the room)

Everyone: “………………”

Lark: “Uh…. Is someone gonna clean up that pee?”

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(shortly thereafter, reno is in the background cleaning up the pee while everyone else stands around talking)

Reno: “Man, this is gross! I don’t wanna do this!”

Sephiroth: “Too bad. We drew straws and you lost.”

Tseng: “So what are we gonna do about this bear? Because this cannot go on.”

Lark: “Hell no it can’t! I mean I love Rufus, but I am not putting up with a vicious bear wrecking and pooping and peeing all over my ramble room!”

Reno: “And I’m not cleaning up anymore of this crap!”

Irvine: “Just call animal control or something.”

Vincent: “I do not believe that will be enough.”

Sephiroth: “I agree with Dr. Claw for once. It’s going to take more than animal control to stand in Rufus’ way.”

Zell: “He won’t listen to anyone!”

(just then who enters, but rufus, looking even more beat up.)

Rufus: “Hello everyone.”

Lark: “Rufus, you’re bleeding!”

Rufus: “What? Oh. Right. Mr. Jingles was just giving me kisses.”

Sephiroth: “Is that what you’re calling deep claw scratches to the face now?”

Rufus: “Anyway, he was really being bad, so I gave him a time out in my room.”

Reno: “Rufus, I just had to clean up bear pee! I expect to get something for that!”

Rufus: “Shut up, Reno. You’re still fired from two days ago.”

Lark: “Rufus, why don’t we go back and take a good hard look at Mr. Jingles again…”

Zell: “You sure about that, Lark? He might take your eye out!”

Rufus: “Yeah, I think it’s about time to end his time out. I don’t want to be too hard on him!”

(everyone exchanges a look, but they follow rufus to his room. he opens the door and gasps in shock. why? because the window is wide open and the bear is gone. instead mr. jingles lies on the floor, half sticking out from under the bed.)

Rufus: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” *grabs up mr. jingles* “This is all my fault!!! I should never have punished you!!! I ruined everything!!!” *starts sobbing*

Sephiroth: “Looks like the bear high tailed it out of here.”

Tseng: “Smart bear.”

Zell: “Yay! Now the real Mr. Jingles is back!”

Reno: “Now maybe I can get my shockrod back.”

Irvine: “Yeah, man. And no more bear pee.”

Sephiroth: “Good. Now he has his stupid real bear back and can act like less of a complete idiot.”

Vincent: “Quite a relief.”

Rufus: *sobbing* “Oh Mr. Jingles!!!!!!! What have I done to you!?!!?!”

(then lark, smiling, high fives tseng, mouths a thank god, and they all leave rufus alone, sobbing with mr. jingles while a bear is seen in the background, eating berries from a nearby tree.)

 

THE END