#145 – Thanks But No Thanks

Seifer: “Ew! I wouldn’t eat anything you made, chicken wuss! It probably has hot dogs in it!”

Originally Published: 11/24/05 . 31 pages

Synopsis
The Belmonts decide to host Thanksgiving, and everyone’s going. But will it still be a relaxing holiday when Alucard and Dracula show up?

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

This is my favorite Thanksgiving ramble, because it’s just insane. Dracula totally steals the show here by ringing every time Sephiroth’s cell phone does, and unintentionally ruining Rufus’ famous punch. The ending lines just kind of happened. I can get very picky about the last lines, because I’m obsessed with satisfying endings. And I wasn’t sure how to quite end this one. So I just kept going until that last line got typed, and I knew I had my ending.

 

(it’s the day before thanksgiving in the ramble room. There are a bunch of people sitting around when lark comes in)

Lark: “Guess what, you guys??”

Everyone: “……”

Lark: *blink blink* “What? No one wants to guess?”

Tseng: “No offense, Lark, but you’re second only to Rufus when it comes to announcing things around here.”

Rufus: “What? I always have good news!”

Tseng: “It’s only good news for your bank account!”

Rufus: “I love my bank account…”

Lark: “Uh, guys? We were talking about my news. Remember?”

Sephiroth: “Did Final Fantasy 12 come out?” *whips out masamune* “Because if so I have some killin’ to do.”

Lark: “No! All I want to tell you is that we’re invited over to the Belmont’s for Thanksgiving dinner!”

Sephiroth: “So no killing?”

Lark: “No!”

Sephiroth: “Are you sure?”

Lark: “Yes!”

Sephiroth: *sits down with a pout*

Zell: “Thanksgiving at the Belmont’s? Awesome! I bet Franswa’s gonna cook a great meal! I should think of something to bring!”

Seifer: “How about you do everyone a favor and not bring yourself, chicken wuss?”

Zell: *flips out* “How about you don’t bring *yourself*, Seifer?!”

Shell: “It’s Thanksgiving already? I should have started shopping months ago!”

(she takes a bell out of her pocket and rings it. A moment later, rude appears)

Rufus: “He answers to a bell now?”

Shell: “Yeah. It only took two days of training.”

Rude: “I’m only one step above a dog.”

Shell: “Come on, Rude. I need a new outfit to wear to the Belmont’s for Thanksgiving.”

Rude: “What about the outfit you bought yesterday?”

Shell: “That was a practice outfit. Now let’s go.”

(she and rude leave.)

Rufus: “Well, I for one have decided not to put out any new Rufus brand products on actual Thanksgiving this year, after that time I was selling stuff on Thanksgiving and had that weird feeling in my chest.”

Reeve: “That was guilt.”

Rufus: “Whatever you wanna call it.”

Reno: “I’m gonna bring my own alcohol over to the Belmont’s.”

Irvine: “Good idea, man! That way we won’t drink all of theirs!”

Reno: “Exactly. And if we run out, we can always go out and get more.”

Ashley: “So are we all invited?”

Lark: “Of course! You know the Belmont’s have a huge house!”

Sephiroth: “Yeah! Better to store their holy water that they keep dumping on me!”

Algus: “I think it is rather generous of the Belmont’s to invite us into their home. I must go over there and offer my slave to help prepare the feast!”

Zidane: “Uh… I don’t think that’s the best idea.”

Algus: “And why not?”

Zidane: “Because I think Franswa is kind of mad at me.”

Zell: *frowns*

Algus: “Nonsense, slave! You’ll be over there first thing in the morning or the only thing you’ll be having for Thanksgiving is crackers and strawberry jam!”

Zidane: “Stop trying to give me strawberry jam! You know I’m allergic!”

Lark: “Well anyway, I’m going to go tell the others.”

Sephiroth: “I’ll go with you.”

(they both leave the room and start walking down the hall together)

Lark: “So are you going to come tomorrow?”

Sephiroth: “I don’t know. On one hand the Belmont’s hate me, and on the other hand I don’t want to spend another holiday with Dracula.”

Lark: “Did you ever get your cell phone out of him?”

Sephiroth: “I just got a new one.”

Lark: “So it’s still in him then?”

Sephiroth: “I never thought I could learn to hate the 1812 overture, but Dracula’s really made me hate a lot of things in life.”

Lark: “Well, now it’s Thanksgiving and it’s time to take a step back, look at life and see what you’re thankful for.”

(they go into the tv room where vincent sits with auron. The tv is on and vincent’s trying to watch, but auron is leaning over towards him.)

Auron: “You’ve been single for six months now.”

Vincent: “So you’ve been telling me.”

Auron: “I really think it’s time to move on.”

Vincent: *sigh* “I try and try but I just can’t! I miss my angel!”

Sephiroth: “Oh god, gag me.”

Vincent: *whirls around* “Ang–er…Sephiroth! How long have you been standing there?!”

Sephiroth: “Long enough to be sick to my stomach! I see Mr. Skank-O-Matic’s still trying to get into your pants!”

Auron: “I resent that. I have been nothing but supportive.”

Lark: “Sorry to interrupt–“

Sephiroth: “I’m not finished yet!”

Lark: “I was talking about interrupting Auron and Vincent, Sephiroth. Not you.”

Sephiroth: *frowns*

Lark: “Anyway, we’re invited over to the Belmont’s tomorrow for Thanksgiving dinner if you guys are interested.”

Vincent: “How nice of them.”

Auron: “It is always nice to spend the holidays with loved ones.”

Sephiroth: “Well they sure as hell don’t love me.”

Auron: “Well, who could ever learn to love a beast?”

Sephiroth: “WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?!”

Lark: *starting to push sephiroth out the door* “We’re leaving! See you guys tomorrow! Bye!”

(she pushes the angry sephiroth out the door and slams it behind her)

Sephiroth: “That $#%^@#! How *dare* he speak to me that way!”

Lark: “Calm down, Sephiroth. You’re no nicer to him.”

Sephiroth: “That’s because he’s a phony, Lark! Did you see him with Vincent?!”

Lark: “Do you want Vincent back, Sephiroth?”

Sephiroth: “…No.”

Lark: “Then stop it. Leave them alone.”

(then Brady comes over)

Brady: “Hey, babe. What’s going on?”

Lark: “Not much. The Belmont’s invited us over for Thanksgiving dinner.”

Brady: “Cool. I just hope they don’t go on and on about how thankful they are about how they fought Dracula.”

Lark: “Me too. That would kill the party faster than the time Reno tried to do the Mexican hat dance.”

Sephiroth: “Ugh. I don’t think he’ll ever live that down.”

Lark: “Anyway, I’m just going around letting people know about tomorrow. Wanna help?”

Brady: “Sure. I guess I’m that bored.”

Lark: “Coming, Sephy?”

Sephiroth: *glaring at Brady* “I’ll pass. I’ll see you later, Lark.”

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(so sephiroth goes next door to alucard’s and rings the doorbell. Alucard opens up the door looking confused and holding something in his hand. There’s rap music blasting in the background.)

Alucard: “Oh, hello. I wasn’t expecting you today.”

Sephiroth: “Did you get my cell phone out of your father yet?”

Alucard: “No. But somebody keeps calling it.”

Dracula: *walking by with the 1812 overture playing from inside him* “There I go again! I am *so* musical!”

Sephiroth: “Who keeps calling me?! I gave everybody who matters my new number!”

Alucard: “What is that, like three people?”

Sephiroth: *frowns* “Four.”

Alucard: “Well come in. I was just looking at this invitation Franswa slipped under the door.”

Sephiroth: *coming in* “Invitation to what?”

Alucard: *shuts door* “Thanksgiving dinner.”

Sephiroth: “WHAT?!”

Alucard: “I know. I had the same reaction.”

Sephiroth: “Let me see that!” *grabs it and reads aloud* “Dear Alucard. We’re having Thanksgiving dinner at my house tomorrow and I’d really like it if you could come. Just come in disguise. My family will never know. I look forward to seeing you. Sincerely, Franswa.” *blink blink* “That kid is in love with you.”

Alucard: “Huh?”

Sephiroth: “Why else would he invite you into that snake pit? I don’t even know if I’m going.”

Alucard: “Well I’m going to go.”

Sephiroth: “What?! You’re going to go?! Why?!”

Alucard: “Because…maybe if I prove to the Belmont’s that I am not a crazed, blood sucking freak, they’ll be friends with me again.”

Sephiroth: “What!? Do you realize how insane you sound!? Don’t go Dracula on me!”

Alucard: “It’s fine. I’ll just go in disguise, and if all goes well, I’ll reveal myself at the end.”

Sephiroth: “Fine. But I’m not taking another holy water shot for you. You’re on your own.”

Alucard: “I understand.”

Sephiroth: “And what about not so fun sing along Dad? You just gonna leave him here all day?”

Alucard: “Death will be here. Besides, he doesn’t even know Thanksgiving’s tomorrow. He thinks it’s July.”

Dracula: *coming over* “Alucard! I just called the community pool and they were closed! How can they be closed!? It’s the middle of July! The milk in the pool will turn to chickens!”

Alucard: “…Dad, there are so many things wrong with what you just said I’m not even going to bother.”

(then the 1812 overture starts to play from inside dracula again)

Dracula: *chuckles* “I’m the life of the party!”

(he wanders away)

Sephiroth: “Who keeps calling me?!”

Alucard: “I’m going to go find a disguise. What do you think about dying my hair black?”

Sephiroth: *gasp* “You’re going to dye your hair?”

Alucard: “Just with a temporary dye that washes out. I have to! Everyone will know it’s me if I show up with this gorgeous head of hair!”

Sephiroth: “Is any friendship really worth risking the health of your hair?”

Alucard: “This is important to me. More important than my hair.”

Sephiroth: “You know… I really thought we had the same priorities.”

Alucard: “Are you going to help me?”

Sephiroth: “I suppose so.”

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(cut to the next day. It’s thanksgiving. It’s early in the morning and algus is dragging an unwilling zidane over to the Belmont’s)

Zidane: “Algus, this is a bad idea. I’m telling you, Franswa is not going to want my help!”

Algus: “Your service might be second rate, but everyone can use an extra pair of hands.”

Zidane: “Hey! Nothing of mine is second rate!”

(algus raps on the door and franswa opens it.)

Franswa: *blink blink* “Uh, hello.”

Algus: “Ah, greetings Franswa and a happy Thanksgiving to you and your family! I have brought my slave over to help you with your food preparations.”

Franswa: *looking at zidane* “Uh, that’s okay, really. I don’t need any help.”

Algus: “I insist.”

(and with that he shoves zidane inside)

Franswa: “No, really, I–“

Algus: “No thanks is necessary! It is the day of thanks after all! I shall see you later.”

(and with that he leaves. With a sad sigh franswa closes the door and glares at zidane)

Franswa: “Don’t touch me.”

Zidane: “Look, I really wanna say I’m sorry about what happened.”

Franswa: “Uh-huh.”

Zidane: “Really! Look, I don’t want you to hate me.”

Franswa: “I don’t *hate* you.”

Zidane: “Good. So can we be friends then?”

Franswa: “I guess.”

Zidane: “Cool. So…you like Zell then?”

Franswa: “What!?”

Zidane: “Well you got all freaked out when he walked in on us.”

Franswa: *getting flustered* “Well I-uh-I-uh-I-um, no.”

Zidane: *blink blink* “No?”

Franswa: “Did you come here to chat or to help?”

Zidane: “Well, Algus kind of forced me, but yeah, help.”

Franswa: “Then let’s get back to the kitchen.”

(just as they turn to head back there’s another knock on the door)

Franswa: *annoyed sigh*

Trevor’s voice: “Franswa!!! It’s the demons come to crash our party!!”

Franswa: “No it’s not!”

(he opens the door and it’s zell)

Franswa: *blink blink* “Zell?”

Zell: “Hey, Franswa! Happy Thanksgiving! Look, I bought a pie!”

(he holds up a grocery bag full of different stuff, none of which is a pie)

Franswa: “Uh…that’s a bag of groceries.”

Zell: “Pie making groceries! I’m gonna make it myself! I wondered if you’d help me!”

Franswa: “Sure! Come on in.”

(zell comes in and sees zidane)

Zell: *frowns* “Zidane? What are you doing here?”

Zidane: “Algus made me come over and help. It’s cool, though. Franswa and I worked things out.”

Zell: “Oh. So you’re together?”

Franswa: “No! I told you before that there’s nothing between me and him!”

Zell: “Oh. Okay. Well then can we get cooking then? I can’t wait to bake my pie!”

Franswa: “Sure! Let’s go!”

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(meanwhile, some time later, everyone is getting ready to go over to the Belmont’s for dinner. Lark is standing by the door when sephiroth comes over and starts to leave)

Lark: “Hey! Where are you going? Over to Alucards?”

Sephiroth: “Uh, no. I’m…uh…going to get a friend I’m bringing over.”

Lark: *blink blink* “What?”

Sephiroth: “I said I’m going to pick up a friend I’m bringing to dinner.”

Lark: “I heard you. I’m just wondering where you got a friend.”

Sephiroth: “I have tons of friends you don’t know about, woman! They’re just far too cool and intelligent to bring around the scum that hang out in here.”

Lark: “Uh-huh. I can’t wait to meet him. What’s his name?”

Sephiroth: “Al–fred. Alfred. Or just Fred. Fred is short…for Alfred.”

Lark: “Okay. Well I guess I’ll see you and…Alfred later.”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, you sure will!”

(he goes off. Tseng and vincent come over to where lark is)

Tseng: “Where’s he going? Over to Dracula’s for Thanksgiving? Because I thought he swore off celebrating any holidays with Dracula after Halloween.”

Lark: “He said he was going to pick up some friend of his named Alfred and bring him over to dinner.”

Tseng: “Alfred?”

Lark: “I know.”

Tseng: “Where did he get any friends?”

Lark: “That’s what I was wondering.”

Vincent: *frowns* “Sephiroth usually goes out of his way to make sure people dislike him.”

Tseng: “That’s why he was in therapy.”

Vincent: “We all know how that ended.”

Lark: “Did he get out of the hospital yet?”

Vincent: “I’ve washed my hands of those sins.”

Tseng: “Why would that be *your* sin? Sephiroth’s the one who hit the guy.”

Vincent: “I helped move the body so it looked like he fell.”

Tseng: “Once a Turk always a Turk.”

Lark: “Okay, I’ve heard enough.”

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(meanwhile, back over at the Belmont’s, zell, zidane and franswa are still in the kitchen cooking. Zell is pulling his pie out of the oven)

Zell: “My pie is done!”

Zidane: “Wow, Zell, that actually looks really good!

Franswa: “Yeah, Zell! You did a great job!”

Zell: *beams* “Thanks, Franswa!”

(then richter enters with tifa)

Richter: “Franswa! How’s the dinner coming?”

Franswa: “Great! It’ll be done by the time everyone gets here.”

Tifa: “Everything smells great. I’m so hungry!”

Zell: “I made a pie!”

Zidane: “…I folded a lot of napkins.”

Tifa: “Do you have any alcohol for Cloud? I don’t want him to run out.”

Franswa: “Don’t worry, we have plenty of that.”

Zell: “And if what I heard from Reno and Irvine is true we’ll have even more!”

Richter: *sigh* “Why is it you have to bring that blonde dolt with us wherever we go?”

Tifa: “We’ve already talked about this! That blonde dolt is my childhood friend!”

(there’s a crash in another room)

Cloud’s voice: “Ouchie!!!”

Tifa: “Oh no!! Cloud!!”

(she runs off. With a sigh, richter grabs a bottle of wine)

Richter: *sigh* “I’m going to need this.”

Franswa: “You mean for Cloud, right, dad?”

Richter: “……Yes.”

(he leaves.)

Zidane: “I bet you five bucks Algus will complain about the napkins even though he doesn’t know I’m the one who folded them.”

Franswa: “Do you even have five bucks?”

Zidane: *hangs head* “…No.”

(the doorbell rings)

Franswa: “Is everyone here already?! But the potatoes–“

Zell: “They’ll be fine! I’ll watch them! Get the door.”

Franswa: *small smile* “Okay. Thanks, Zell.”

Zell: “No problem! What are friends for?”

(so franswa leaves to get the door. Zidane turns to zell)

Zidane: “Do you like him?”

Zell: “Huh?”

Zidane: “Do you like Franswa?”

Zell: *blushing* “Uh, no.

Zidane: “You’re a liar.”

Zell: “No I’m not! I don’t like Franswa! And besides, he likes Alucard anyway!”

Zidane: “Alucard?!”

Zell: “Yup.”

Zidane: “No way. That could never be. Even if he wasn’t with Sephiroth that would be Romeo and Juliet on a whole other messed up level.”

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(and so the whole ramble gang arrives, except for sephiroth and ‘alfred’. And they’re all chatting and mingling with the Belmont’s and going into their huge dining room where there is a huge table set up to sit down. Zidane, franswa and zell come over and join the group)

Algus: *looking at his napkin* “Whose half a brain was involved in folding this?”

Zidane: *hangs head* “I wish I had had that five bucks.”

Lark: “Everything looks wonderful!”

Trevor: “Us Belmont’s have been giving elaborate dinner parties for centuries!”

Juste: “We always do a fabulous job. Look! I printed menus off the computer!”

Simon: “I printed up these reference cards on how to spot a vampire.”

Richter: “And I helped!”

(the doorbell rings)

Franswa: “I’ll get it!”

Trevor: “Make sure it’s not vampires!”

Simon: “Those party crashers of the devil!”

(ignoring them, franswa opens the door. And it is vampires. And besides alucard, dracula is there too. Sephiroth does not look happy about it. Alucard has dyed his hair black and has pulled it back in a ponytail. He is wearing a simple black suit. Dracula is wearing socks pulled up to his knees, sandals, ballooned out black shorts, a hawiian shirt, and one of those golfer’s hats with a pom-pom on the top. He also has on sunglasses.)

Franswa: *blink blink* “Alucard?”

Alucard: “It’s ‘Alfred’ today.” *glares at sephiroth* “I can’t believe you picked that name.”

Sephiroth: “It was the first thing that popped into my head! I can’t believe you brought your dad!”

Alucard: “Death had to leave on an emergency. I couldn’t just leave him home alone!”

Sephiroth: “He keeps ringing!”

Alucard: “Look. The last time I left him home by himself I came back to find he had built a fort out of bones in the living room. And I still don’t know where he got the bones from.”

Dracula: “I’ll never tell!” *cackles*

Franswa: “…Uh, you guys coming in?”

Alucard: “Yes. Sorry. Oh, and if anyone asks, Dad’s name is ‘July’.”

(the 1812 overture starts to play from inside dracula)

Dracula: “I bring the party wherever I go!”

Sephiroth: “Who keeps calling me?!”

Franswa: “Is that coming from inside him?”

Alucard: “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

(they come inside and walk into the dining room where everyone else immediately stops talking and turns to stare.)

Franswa: “Uh, everyone, meet Alfred and his father…July.”

Dracula: “Hey, hey! I’m July!”

Laguna: “Hey, hey! Cool!”

(once again, there goes the 1812 from inside of dracula)

Dracula: *chuckles* “I bring my own music on the go!”

Sephiroth: “Who the hell keeps calling me?!”

Everyone: “…………”

Alucard: “…We should sit down.”

(they do. The belmonts look at them suspiciously)

Juste: “So…what exactly is it that you do, Mr…Alfred, is it?”

Alucard: “Uh, yes. Well I…um…make…hats.”

Juste: “You make hats?”

Alucard: “…Yes.”

Dracula: “I LOVE hats!” *there’s a ringing inside him from the phone’s voicemail* “Damn pacemaker!”

Trevor: “What kind of hats do you make?”

Alucard: “Uh, well all kinds really. Any kind you like!”

Dracula: “I like to wear hats on my feet!”

(everyone stares at dracula. Sephiroth smacks himself in the forehead. Alucard looks embarrassed)

Alucard: “Sorry, everyone. He needs to take his medication. He’s an old man, he gets confused about things.”

Dracula: “I love to take medication!” *blink blink* “What’s medication?”

Franswa: “Uh, I’m going to bring out the food. Zell? Can you help me?”

Zell: “Sure.” *gets up to help*

Algus: “You help too, slave.”

Zidane: *annoyed sigh* “Can’t I ever have a day off?”

Algus: “You can have off when you’re dead. Now get up.”

(so franswa, zell and zidane go back into the kitchen, and everyone starts chatting again. Sephiroth has sat down next to lark, and once the room is noisy again she turns to whisper to him)

Lark: *whispers* “I can’t believe you brought Alucard and Dracula here!”

Sephiroth: *whispers* “Alucard was invited! Dracula was *supposed* to stay home!”

Alucard: *leaning over and whispering* “I told you why I can’t leave him at home!”

Sephiroth: *whispers* “So what if some more body parts turn up from out of nowhere?! At least you know you won’t come home to find him dead – unfortunately!”

Lark: *whispers* “You guys, it’s Thanksgiving. Can you stop fighting?”

Rufus: “Hey, what are you guys talking about?”

Lark, Sephiroth and Alucard: *sweat drops* “…Nothing.”

Brady: *nudges lark* “Hey.”

Lark: *quietly* “What’s up?”

Brady: *whispers* “Why are Dracula and Alucard here?”

Lark: *whispers* “Apparently Alucard was invited and he had to bring Dracula along.”

Brady: *whispers* “Who invited him?”

Lark: *whispers* “Who do you think?”

(then franswa, zell and zidane reenter carrying plates of food that they pass out and set-up along the table. As they sit back down, trevor bangs on his glass)

Trevor: “Ah, yes. Now that I have your attention–“

(the 1812 overture starts to play from inside Dracula again)

Dracula: *chuckles* “I bring my own theme music!”

Sephiroth: *growls* “Who the hell keeps calling me?!”

Everyone: “……………”

Alucard: “Uh, go on.”

Trevor: “…Yes. As I was saying, on this day of Thanksgiving it is important for us all to remember the things that we are thankful for. So we should all just take a moment to bow our heads and think of the things for which we are grateful.”

Reno: *mutters* “At least they aren’t making us do it out loud like Lark does.”

Lark: *kicks him under the table*

Reno: “Ow!”

(everyone bows their heads. Dracula puts his hands together like he’s praying. Then suddenly he pulls them apart and blows on his hands)

Dracula: “Ow! Praying burns, Aluc–“

Alucard: *elbows him in the stomach and whispers* “Shush! Stop it, dad!”

Simon: “That’s enough. Let’s eat!”

(and everyone starts to dig in and serve the food)

Richter: “Everything looks wonderful, son!”

Franswa: “Thanks, dad!”

Elena: “So, Tifa, when is your baby due?”

Tifa: “In June.”

Elena: “That’s good. You won’t have any snow to worry about.”

Tseng: “We got through it all right.”

Elena: “You must be excited to find out the sex of the baby!”

Trevor, Richter, Simon and Juste: “It’s a BOY!!!”

Elena: *blink blink* “…Okay.”

Dracula: “My son’s a boy! And he’s dating a girl! But she’s very flat chested.”

Sephiroth: *snaps at dracula* “I hate you!”

Alucard: “Stop talking, dad.”

(1812 overture starts to play again)

Dracula: *chuckles* “Can’t stop the rockin’!”

Laguna: “Hey, hey! I like the way this guy randomly plays music!”

Kiros: “Ward says that’s because you’re simple minded.”

Ward: *is trying to eat his food in peace*

Barret: “Yo, there! Cookiepuss! Hand me that there cranberry sauce!”

Red: “No. It is within easy reach for you.”

Cid: “@#%#@$%&#^@#%$%%^#$^&!!”

Barret: “Cid be right, yo! You should be thankful I’m talkin’ to yo’ ass at all, cookiepuss!”

Red: “I’d spit in your food if I could.”

Rinoa: “All this food is great! Isn’t it, Squall?”

Squall: “Whatever.”

Laguna: “Come on, son! Tell me what you’re thankful for! I bet it’s that you have a great dad who loves you, isn’t it?”

Squall: “Hell no.”

Seifer: “Squall’s a loser! Hey, Ashley. Pass me the bread.”

Ashley: “No, Seifer. The last thing your ass needs is more carbs.”

Seifer: “But I’ve been doing that ‘Strip to Fit’ video every day!”

Ashley: “You haven’t been doing anything but watching Carmen Electra strip on the video!”

Shell: “Rude, I was going through your credit card bills the other day, and I noticed you have a lot of reward points! So you’ll never guess what I did with them!”

Rude: *looks terrified*

Shell: “I cashed them in for a vacation!”

Rude: “You did?”

Shell: “Yeah! To Minnesota! Now we can go to the Mall of America and shop at the biggest mall in the country! Isn’t it exciting, Rude?”

Rude: “…………”

Shell: “Answer me, Rude!”

Rude: “…Yes, Shell.”

Opal: “Twilight, what are you thankful for this year?”

Twilight: “The same thing I’m always thankful for, Opal! The fact that I’m so awesome!”

Opal: “Oh, Twilight.”

Auron: “What are you thankful for this year, Vincent?”

Vincent: *sad sigh* “Not much, unfortunately.” *looks at sephiroth across the table*

Sephiroth: *not looking up as he eats* “Get your beady eyes off me, Valentine!”

Dracula: “I’m thankful for good, fresh, tasty blood!!”

Everyone: *stares at him*

Alucard: “Um, uh, he, uh, just got a much needed blood transfusion, so he’s…really happy about it.”

Everyone: “……………”

Alucard: “…Please go back to your conversations.”

(slowly but surely they do. Lark turns to sephiroth again)

Lark: *whispers* “You can’t keep Dracula here much longer! The Belmont’s may be half blind but they’re bound to figure it out!”

Sephiroth: *whispers* “Tell that to Mr. desperate to be friends with the Belmont’s again!”

Alucard: “Franswa, this food you’ve prepared is wonderful!”

Franswa: *beams* “Thanks!!”

(zell looks over at zidane, but he’s too busy shoving food into his mouth)

Zidane: “Oh man, I forgot what real food tastes like!”

Algus: “You’ll forget again soon enough before this time next year.”

Rufus: “Wait till everyone sees the surprise I brought over!”

Tseng: “Is it our Christmas bonuses you promised us from 5 years ago?”

Rufus: *snort* “I wasn’t serious about that. And anyway, no! It’s something much better than that!”

Reeve: “What about the Christmas bonus you promised us from 4 years ago?”

Reno: “Or any other year!”

Rude: “Please…I need it.”

Rufus: “No one is getting a bonus! Stop making things up that I said!”

Elena: “Actually, I remember you putting it in writing, President Rufus–“

Rufus: “And if you wanna find those documents, Elena, you better take a shovel and some tape out to the desert and start digging!”

Edgar: “So what is this surprise you have in store for us, Rufus?”

Rufus: “You’ll just have to wait and see!”

(meanwhile, locke is sitting at the table, but the seat next to him is empty. Then the table shakes)

Locke: “Shadow…get out from under the table.”

Shadow: “No!! They’ll find me!”

Locke: “Your turkey is getting cold.”

Shadow: “…………”

Locke: “You’ll need your strength to get away from them.”

(there’s silence a moment. But then shadow gets back up from under the table and sits in his seat)

Shadow: “You’re right! Then they’ll never find me!”

Locke: “…Why did I say that?”

(then the 1812 overture goes off again from inside dracula)

Shadow: “Here they come again!”

(he ducks back under the table. Locke sighs but then shrugs and starts scooping the food off shadow’s plate and onto his own)

Locke: “Fine. If he won’t eat it, I will.”

Dracula: *dancing in his chair to the music* “This party goes all night long!”

Sephiroth: “Who keeps calling me?!?!?!”

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, in loser land, hojo, kuja, seymour, nida and scarlet are sitting around the table with their thanksgiving feast spread out before them. It consists of a chewed up box of cereal, half a package of pre-packed american cheese, and a plate of crumbled up graham crackers. Heidegger is passed out on the couch in the background.)

Nida: “*This* is our Thanksgiving feast?”

Scarlet: “This was all that was left in the kitchen.”

Nida: “You were supposed to go out shopping!”

Scarlet: “I couldn’t! I had a client!”

Nida: “Ew, you skank! You ruined Thanksgiving!”

Seymour: “At least Heidegger isn’t here to eat everything.”

Hojo: “I gave him a dose of sleeping pills that is lethal for a normal human. He should be asleep for an hour or so. And if I miscalculated and he does die, it’s really no loss.”

Scarlet: “We still have that credit to use the hole digging machine from when he was supposed to die last time.”

Hojo: “Now let us enjoy our Thanksgiving! With the turkey and the stuffing and the carrots and so on and so forth!”

Nida: “We don’t have any of those things! We have half eaten food that smells bad!”

Kuja: “I am not touching any of that.”

Hojo: “I might have some kelp in the lab…”

Kuja: *wrinkles nose* “Even worse.”

Nida: “You ruined everything, Scarlet!”

Scarlet: “Well I’m sorry! But I made a lot of money last night!”

Heidegger: “Fifty cents! Gya haa haa!”

Scarlet: “Shut up, Heidegger!”

Seymour: “Well he’s awake.”

Kuja: “There goes our attempt at a normal Thanksgiving.”

Nida: “Freaking crap! I hate you all!”

(then hojo’s phone rings. He gets up and leaves the kitchen, going over to the other side of the room to pick it up)

Hojo: “Hojo’s sperm bank and lab.”

Lucretia’s voice: “Hello? Alexander? It’s Lucretia. Happy Thanksgiving!”

Hojo: *frowns* “Oh. Yes. Happy Thanksgiving.”

Lucretia’s voice: “I was wondering… Have you spoken to Sephiroth lately? I’ve been trying to call his cell phone, but he’s not answering!”

Hojo: “Well, we’re not exactly bosom buddies as you know. I haven’t spoken to him.”

Lucretia’s voice: “Oh dear… Well, do you have anyone else’s number that might know where he is?”

Hojo: “I have Vincent’s phone number. You can get anything off the internet if you try hard enough.”

Lucretia’s voice: “Oh, all right. I’m sure he’ll know where Sephiroth is.”

Hojo: “Very well. It’s 555-8267.”

Lucretia’s voice: “Thank you, Alexander. I’ll talk to you soon!”

Hojo: “Yes, fine, whatever. Good-bye.”

(he then hangs up and goes back into the dining room. There he finds a broken table that has all the legs snapped off and has collapsed to the floor because heidegger is there, laying on it and licking up the last crumbs of food. Everyone else stands around horrified. Nida is missing a shoe)

Nida: “My shoe! My shoe!!! He ate my shoe!”

Kuja: “He did you a favor.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Tastes like cheap!”

Seymour: “Well now that Thanksgiving is officially ruined…”

Hojo: “Might as well start getting the Christmas decorations out of the attic.”

(suddenly maniacal laughter is heard from the attic as the ceiling shakes a little bit.)

Everyone: *looks up at the ceiling in fear*

Hojo: “…Never mind.”

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back at the Belmont’s, dessert is being put out on the table. Zell is putting down his pie)

Zell: “Look, Squall! I made a pie.”

Squall: “Okay.”

Seifer: “Ew! I wouldn’t eat anything you made, chicken wuss! It probably has hot dogs in it!”

Zell: “It does not!”

Seifer: “Well it definitely has cooties then!”

Zell: “It does not! Irvine’s the one with cooties!”

Irvine: “Hey! Why ya’ll be hatin’ on me!?”

Reno: *mutters* “I told you you’d never live down those crabs…”

Irvine: “What! I got rid of them!”

Tseng: “You had crabs?”

Irvine: “….No.”

Alucard: “Wow, Franswa! Did you make all these desserts yourself?”

Franswa: “Except for Zell’s pie, yes.”

Zell: “I made my pie!”

Seifer: “We know! Shut up already, chicken wuss!”

Zell: “You shut up!”

Ashley: “Both of you shut up!”

Dracula: “What’s wrong with me? I haven’t rung in awhile, Aluc–” *gets elbowed in the stomach by alucard* “Umph!”

Sephiroth: “I guess whoever was calling me finally got the hint and gave up!”

(then there’s the sound of a cell phone ringing, and it is indeed the 1812 overture. But it’s not coming from inside dracula this time)

Dracula: *gasp* “There are others like me!”

Vincent: *answering his phone* “Hello? …Oh. Hello, Lucretia. Happy Thanksgiving to you as well. …Oh, it’s quite all right. …Oh. Oh dear. Well thank for you letting me know. ………I see. ……Yes, he is here. Hold on a moment, please.” *he covers the mouthpiece with his claw and looks at sephiroth* “Sephiroth, your mother wants to speak to you.”

Sephiroth: “My mother?” *holds out hand for phone* “Give it here!” *takes it from vincent and puts it to his ear* “This is Sephiroth. …Happy Thanksgiving, mom. ……What? ……That was you? …Okay, fine, fine. I’ll call you with my new number later, all right? ……Okay, bye.” *hangs up* “Well, it was my mother calling me. That’s one mystery solved.”

Vincent: “May I have my phone back?”

Sephiroth: “Catch.”

(he tosses it across the table to vincent)

Auron: “It’s quite rude to throw things.”

Sephiroth: “Shut up, Auroran. Your face is rude.”

Rude: *looks up* “Huh?”

Shell: “They’re not talking about you, Rude.”

Rude: “If you say so, Shell.”

Franswa: “Everyone dig in!”

(so everyone starts to take some of the various desserts)

Trevor: “Franswa, which ones are sugar free?”

Franswa: “Everything on a purple plate is sugar free.”

Tifa: “You’re so thoughtful, Franswa. You really do a lot to help your family.”

Simon: “He should help us kill the vampires!!”

Franswa: “Don’t ruin Thanksgiving for me!”

Lark: “Hey, Zell – your pie is great!”

Rinoa: “Yeah! It’s delicious, Zell!”

Laguna: “Totally! It’s totally, groovily delicious! Right, Squall?”

Squall: “Whatever. I guess so.”

Franswa: “Yeah, it did turn out great, Zell.”

Zell: *smiling* “Thanks, everybody!”

Setzer: “Where did Rufus go?”

Edgar: “I believe he went to get the surprise.”

Algus: “I am very interested to see what Rufus has in store for us.”

(just then rufus comes in from the kitchen holding a huge bowl of dark red…punch)

Rufus: “Behold! Look what I made again!”

Reno: *hits self in the head* “Oh crap.”

Rufus: “It’s my totally amazing and delicious punch!” *plops it on the table* “Everybody drink some!”

(he puts the bowl in the middle of the table)

Rufus: *threateningly* “Everybody drink some!”

Dracula: *gets up* “I’ll have some! Nothing like a good cup of blood to cure what ails ya!”

Alucard: “No, dad!”

(but it’s too late. Dracula reaches for the punch, and as he does his whole arm just falls right off into the bowl. Everyone stares in horror)

Dracula: *chuckles* “That’s what I get for picking at that infected wound in my shoulder!”

(everyone continues to watch in horror as he takes his dripping wet arm out of the punch bowl and drops it on the table. He then dips a cup into the punch taking a huge glass before drinking it down. This whole time rufus is still standing there just staring at him in total horror. After he drinks it dracula frowns)

Dracula: “Alucard! This isn’t blood!”

Trevor, Simon, Juste and Richter: *gasp* “VAMPIRES!!!”

Sephiroth: *dryly* “Ta da. We have a winner.”

Alucard: *scrambling to his feet* “Thanks for having us! Come on, dad.”

(he grabs dracula by the other arm, but that just falls off in alucard’s hands)

Dracula: *chuckles* “I knew scotch tape wouldn’t hold that on forever!”

(by this point the Belmont’s are very slowly getting up from their chairs, a murderous glint in their eyes. Alucard grabs both dracula’s arms, and picks up dracula over his shoulder before running towards the door)

Dracula: “You have a nice ass, Alucard!”

Belmont elders: *finally up and following them* “VAMPIRE SCUM!!!”

(they all run out. Everyone left at the table looks stunned, except for sephiroth who’s still eating his cake)

Sephiroth: “Mm. This is pretty good cake.” *turns to lark* “Are you going to finish your piece?”

Lark: *shakes head no still in shock*

Sephiroth: *takes it and starts to eat it*

Rufus: *squeaks* “…My punch!”

Reno: “Your punch is bad luck.”

Rufus: “My punch is bad luck!” *bursts out crying*

Reno: “Good. Now hopefully he won’t make it for another three years.”

Sephiroth: *mouth full of cake* “Over all, it was a pretty nice Thanksgiving, don’t you think?”

Richter’s voice: *from outside* “We’ll get you vampires! If it’s the last thing we do!!”

Trevor’s voice: “Where’s that useless Franswa?”

Franswa: *starts crying softly*

Lark: “…Right now, Sephiroth, it’s pretty hard to say.”

 

THE END

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