#144 – Lily of the Snow Valley

Tseng: “You’re right, Elena. It’s about time I brought a person into the world for a change.”

Originally Published: 11/10/05 . 18 pages

Synopsis
Hojo’s built a weather machine that he’s sure will win a prize! But will it affect the birth of Elena and Tseng’s daughter?

Ramble Milestones
-Lily is born.

Between Hojo’s weather machine and Dracula eating Sephiroth’s phone, this is a pretty solid ramble. I love the name Lily, but I had to do quite a bit of research to figure out if I could connect it to snow in any way.

 

(reno, rude, tseng, reeve and elena are all waiting around in the ramble room for rufus to arrive so they can have a meeting. elena is lying down on the couch. she is very, very pregnant and obviously unhappy.)

Elena: “When is this baby gonna come out of me?! My due date was five days ago!”

Tseng: “Elena, you know Dr. Zack told you that it’s really common for the baby to be born after the date.”

Elena: “I don’t care! Every bone in my body has been aching for days! I want this baby out of me now!”

Tseng: “Relax. We’re going to see Dr. Zack tomorrow, remember? They’ll probably decide to induce you.”

Reno: “Ugh. That sounds gross.”

Reeve: “That’s just when they start your labor for you instead of waiting for it to come naturally.”

Elena: “You know, Dr. Zack said that having sex might speed things up a bit.” *looks tseng*

Tseng: “What?! Are you kidding?!”

Elena: “Well you’re the father!”

Tseng: “Elena, I’m so gay I don’t think I could have sex with a woman if I took a box of Viagra. Besides, I’m married for goodness sakes!”

Elena: *frowns* “Well…what about Reeve? He could do it!”

Reeve: “Well, it’s been a long time…”

Tseng: “He’s married too! To me!” *to reeve* “You’re thinking about it?!”

Reeve: “No! I was just thinking that it’s been a long time since I did it with a woman!”

Reno: “I’ll help ya out, Elena!”

Elena: “You’d have sex with a pregnant woman, Reno?”

Reno: “Sure, why not? That means I definitely can’t knock her up.”

Tseng: “I don’t know if I like the idea of you having sex with Elena with my baby in there, Reno.”

(then rufus comes waltzing in.)

Rufus: “Good afternoon, faithful employees!” *sees elena* “Geez. Are you still pregnant?”

Elena: *bursts out crying*

Tseng: *frowns* “Thanks, Rufus. Thanks a lot.”

 

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, over in loser land, heidegger, stinky, scarlet and nida are finishing a game of cards. kuja and seymour are arguing. hojo is coming from one of his labs holding something big covered in a sheet.)

Kuja: “This is my Neiman Marcus catalog!”

Seymour: “It doesn’t have your name on it!”

Kuja: “It’s addressed to Resident, and I was here first!”

Seymour: “So what? I live here too!”

Stinky: *puts down cards with a snort*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Stinky wins again!”

Nida: *slamming down cards* “Damn skunk! He’s won every hand!”

Scarlet: “Thank god. Every time you win all you do is talk about it for days like you just hit the lotto.”

Nida: “Shut up, whore! All my accomplishments are great!”

Hojo: “Silence all! I need your attention!”

Kuja: “Did they find the cameras in that school you got fired from yet?”

Hojo: *frowns* Unfortunately. But I actually have good news!”

Scarlet: “It better not be that you saved a bunch of money on your car insurance by switching to Geico.”

Hojo: “What?”

Scarlet: “…I watch too much tv.”

Hojo: “Behold my latest invention!”

(and with that he whips the sheet off. it’s this really complicated looking thing with a lot of knobs and buttons on it)

Nida: “Is that a bomb?”

Hojo: “No. It’s a weather machine! You just turn it to whatever weather you want, and you’ll have it the next day! And I already know it works because I used it last night! Did you see what a brilliantly sunny day it is outside? What with the sunshine and the clouds and the glowing and so on and so forth?”

Scarlet: “No.”

Hojo: “…Oh. Well it is gorgeous outside. All thanks to my machine!”

Seymour: “It looks complicated to use.”

Hojo: “Nonsense! Most of these knobs and buttons are simply for show. Even the skunk could use it!”

Stinky: *annoyed snort*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! This calls for a snack!”

Kuja: “Everything calls for a snack with you!”

Hojo: “…Actually I am quite hungry.”

Seymour: “Me too.”

Scarlet: “I could eat.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I’m not alone for once!”

(hojo, scarlet, heidegger, seymour and kuja go off into the kitchen, leaving nida alone with the machine.)

Nida: “A machine that controls the weather, eh?” *evil glint in his eye* “We’ll see who’s not invited to the Garden Festival now!”

(grinning evilly, nida sets the machine for a blizzard. just as he finishes setting it, the gang returns)

Scarlet: “So much for a snack! Heidegger ate everything!”

Kuja: *examining hand* “I think he ate one of my nails!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Tastes like polish!”

Hojo: *spots nida* “Nida! What are you doing with my machine?!”

Nida: *stepping away* “Uh, just admiring your hard work!”

(hojo runs over and inspects it)

Hojo: “No!! No, you fool! You set this for a blizzard!”

Nida: “I did not! It was the cheating skunk!”

Stinky: *sprays nida*

Nida: *collapses in pain* “Ow! Right in my eyes!”

Hojo: “You stupid boy! Now we will have a monstrous blizzard tomorrow! And it’s all your fault!”

Scarlet: “Can’t you stop it?”

Hojo: “No! Once the command has been sent, there’s no taking it back!”

Kuja: “That’s fine. The cold weather always makes my skin look fabulous.”

Seymour: “What do you care about a blizzard anyway, Hojo? Are you planning on going anywhere?”

Hojo: “No! I just don’t want to shovel the walkway!”

Scarlet: “Just have Heidegger eat the snow again.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! All you can eat snow-cones!”

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(the next day. it is snowing very, very lightly when tseng and elena leave the house to go to the doctor)

Elena: “That son of a b*tch better induce me today!”

Tseng: *shocked* “Elena!”

Elena: “You carry around fifty extra pounds for nine months and look happy about it!”

Tseng: *mumbles* “I’m just going to try not to talk.”

(he opens the car door for her and she gets in and sits. it’s at this point he actually realizes it’s snowing out. he gets in the car)

Tseng: *sarcastically* “Oh no, Elena. It’s snowing. I don’t think I can manage to drive in the snow.”

(they both laugh as they start to drive off and the snow begins to pick up….)

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, in loser land…they’re all looking out the window)

Scarlet: “Wow. I’ve never seen it snow like this.”

Nida: “Hahaha! It’s the end of the Garden Festival for sure!”

Scarlet: “Oh, is that why you wanted a blizzard? So it would cancel your stupid little school Garden Festival?”

Nida: “Yeah! They wouldn’t let me do my stand up comedy act!”

Scarlet: “I don’t see why not. You face inspires laughs all by itself.”

Nida: “Shut up, skank! You’re the funny looking one!”

Kuja: “Actually, I’d say that award goes to Seymour hands down.”

Seymour: *annoyed sigh* “Oh, that was just uncalled for.”

Kuja: “Give me the Neiman Marcus catalog!”

Seymour: “Make me!”

Hojo: “Look at that snow fall! This machine is my best invention yet! I think I’m finally ready to enter the Scientist of the Year competition!”

Scarlet: “You’ve never entered that before?”

Hojo: “No, they wouldn’t take children as an invention. Not even children injected with very special cells! And this was after I had bought him a new outfit and everything!”

Everyone: “…………….”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! This is making me hungry!”

Nida: “Everything makes you hungry, you fat blob!”

Heidegger: “No! Gya haa haa! Your face makes me laugh! Gya haa haa!”

Nida: “Dammit, Scarlet!”

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back to tseng and elena in the car…it’s snowing so hard that it’s really getting hard to see.)

Tseng: “This is insane! Do you remember hearing about snow in the forecast?”

Elena: “No!”

Tseng: “It’s getting really hard to see!”

(suddenly the car slides on some ice. elena screams, tseng grabs the wheel and manages to take control of the car somewhat. the car ends up in a ditch off to the side of the road, but at least they’re okay)

Elena: “Oh my gosh!”

Tseng: “Elena, are you okay?”

Elena: “I’m fine. You?”

Tseng: “I’m okay. Dammit! I can’t believe I couldn’t keep the car on the road. How are we going to get back on the road? I don’t even see any other cars!”

Elena: “…………”

Tseng: “I guess I can try calling the ramble room… Maybe Rufus has a snowmobile or something in all that crap he owns.”

Elena: “………..”

Tseng: *checking his cell phone* “At least I have signal here.”

Elena: “………..”

Tseng: “Are you sure you’re okay, Elena?”

Elena: “Um, Tseng… Would now be a bad time to tell you my water broke?”

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(back at the ramble room, lark, reeve, rufus and reno are in the tv room, looking out the window at the heavily falling snow)

Lark: “Look at it out there!”

Reeve: “I hope Tseng and Elena get to the doctor’s all right…”

Rufus: “They’ll be fine! I’ve seen the Turks drive in worse than this!”

Reno: “Are you talking about that hail storm you made Tseng drive in?”

Rufus: “It was a very important meeting!”

Reno: “It was a sale at the teddy bear accessories store!”

Rufus: “That’s right! Plus I had a meeting with Mr. Jingles’ personal stylist!”

Lark: “Rufus, your bear has a personal stylist?”

Rufus: “Yes. Mr. Jingles and I have discussed this at length, and he really feels having the stylist makes him feel better about himself.”

Reeve: “You’ve discussed this?”

Rufus: “Yes.”

Reeve: “With the bear.”

Rufus: “Yes.”

Reeve: “With the inanimate–“

Rufus: “Reeve, you’re fired for the afternoon! Now go to my closet and shine all my shoes!”

Reeve: “If I’m fired, why do I have to work?”

Rufus: “If you don’t leave this room right now you’ll be folding my socks too!”

Reno: “Trust me, dude. You don’t wanna do that.”

Reeve: *sigh* “Fine.”

Rufus: “And give me your cell phone!  I don’t want you getting interrupted!”

Reeve: “But what if Tseng needs me?”

Rufus: “He can call the ramble room.” *holds out hand*

Reeve: *handing it over* “Fine. I’ll be in your closet.”

(he leaves. rufus turns the cell phone off. and puts it in his pocket)

Rufus: “Well. I have a conference call with Mr. Jingles’ stylist. We’re going to discuss hats.”

Reno: “If I didn’t know you I’d think you were gay.”

Rufus: “You’re fired. Go help Reeve.” *holds out hand*

Reno: *mumbles unhappily as he hands him his cell phone and leaves*

Rufus: *shutting off the phone* “Now that everyone’s fired or not here, that leaves Rude to make my lunch. I don’t want to get hungry in the middle of the call. RUDE!” *he leaves*

Lark: *shrugs* “I guess I’ll watch TV.”

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back in the car, tseng is staring at elena with some pretty wide eyes)

Tseng: “What?”

Elena: “My water just broke.”

Tseng: “Omg. Now you have to go into labor? Now?! After complaining about how you were nowhere near having the baby?!”

Elena: “Well, remember how you didn’t want me to have sex with Reno?”

Tseng: “You had sex with Reno?!”

Elena: “I was desperate to get this baby out! Now it doesn’t seem like the best choice. Owwwwwwwwwww!!”

Tseng: “What?!”

Elena: “I’m having contractions! You have to get me to the hospital!”

Tseng: “I better call for help!!”

(he grabs his phone and quickly hits the speed dial button for reeve’s phone. it goes straight to voice mail.)

Reeve’s voice: “Hello, you’ve reached Reeve Leander. Please leave me a message following the beep. Thank you!”

(beeeeeeeep)

Tseng: “Reeve! Where the hell are you?! It’s Tseng! We’re in a ditch on the side of the road and Elena is in labor! Call me back!” *hangs up* “Why is his phone off!? Especially at a time like this?!”

Elena: “Owwwwwwwww!!! Hurry, Tseng! I can’t do this without drugs!”

Tseng: “I’ll call the ramble room!!”

(he dials, but it just rings and rings….)

Tseng: “What the hell?! Why is no one picking up?!”

Elena: “Maybe someone’s on the phone??”

Tseng: “We have call waiting!! Then some jerk just isn’t picking up!”

Elena: “OMGTHEPAIN!!!!” *breathes heavily* “What are we gonna do!?”

Tseng: “I’ll have to keep trying!!” *dials again*

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back at the ramble room, rufus is still on his phone call…)

Stylist: “And then I think he should really [beeeeep], and then [beeeeeeep].”

Rufus: “What? I’m sorry, I keep hearing beeps!”

Stylist: “That’s probably your call waiting. [beeeeep].”

Rufus: “What? Call waiting!? Well they’re just going to have to wait then! Go on about the corduroy jumpsuit.”

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(back in the car)

Tseng: *hanging up* “Still no answer!”

Elena: *breathing heavily* “Well… Call someone else!!”

Tseng: “Uh… I could call Sephiroth.”

Elena: “Just do it!”

(he does and it rings and rings.)

Tseng: “He’s not answering!”

Sephiroth’s voice: “You’ve reached Sephiroth. If you leave a message it better be important.”

(beeeeeeeeeep)

Tseng: “Sephiroth! It’s Tseng! Elena’s in labor and we’re stuck on the side of the road! Call me back!” *hangs up* “He didn’t answer either!!”

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(and why not? sephiroth is over at alucard’s, and he and alucard are looking at dracula, who has a ringing sound coming from inside him)

Alucard: “Sorry that dad ate your cell phone.”

Dracula: “Alucard! You hear that beeping?! I’m a walking music box!”

Sephiroth: “It’s fine. The voice mail is probably just Vincent calling again to read me more of his crappy poetry.”

(the phone starts to ring again from the inside of dracula. it’s the 1812 overture.)

Dracula: “Listen to me, Alucard!” *starts humming along with it*

Alucard: “…I have to find a way to get that out of him.”

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(back to the car…)

Elena: *having a contraction* “CALL SOMEONE ELSE!!! ARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!”

Tseng: “I’ll call Reno!”

(he dials, and again it goes straight to voice mail)

Reno’s voice: “Hey, there! You’ve reached Reno! I’m probably too drunk to answer my phone right now, but leave a message and we’ll party later!”

(beeeeeeeeeeeep)

Tseng: “Reno!!! Where are you?! It’s Tseng! Elena is in labor! Call me back!” *hangs up* “Where is everyone?!”

Elena: “And no cars have come by! Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!! Call someone else!”

Tseng: “Those are the only numbers I have!”

Elena: “WHAT?!”

Tseng: “I just got a new phone! I haven’t transferred all the numbers yet!”

Elena: “#$@#$!@%$@@$#^@$&#$^&#$^#%^@#$^#$&%^*#%^@!”

Tseng: “I’m so sorry, Elena! Is there anything else I can do?”

Elena: “Yeah! Get this baby outta me!”

Tseng: “What?!”

Elena: “The baby is ready to come out! I can feel it! I’m ready to push!”

Tseng: “What?! Already?! Dammit! Why’d you have to go and have sex with Reno?!”

Elena: “ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!” *heavy breathing* “Tseng!! You have to deliver the baby!”

Tseng: “Elena! I can’t do that!! There’s a reason why I’m gay! I never, ever wanna see what’s down there! Especially when there’s a baby coming out of it!”

Elena: “I can’t deliver my own baby, Tseng!!! You have to do! You’re a Turk, dammit! Are you telling me you can’t deliver a baby?! Now do it!”

Tseng: “I’m gonna throw up! Where’s Reno when you need him?!”

Elena: “What kind of wuss are you?! Suck it up! There’s a reason why you’re our leader!”

(tseng takes a deep breath. he looks nervous but determined)

Tseng: “You’re right, Elena. It’s about time I brought a person into the world for a change.”

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(meanwhile, back in loser land, hojo enters the room with a bunch of papers)

Hojo: “Here’s the application for the competition! Now I just have to–“

(he cuts himself off as he looks up and doesn’t see the machine. instead he sees heidegger sitting where it was, eating handfuls of snow out of the buckets he has around him)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I love clearing the sidewalk!”

Hojo: “You inhuman lump of fat! Where is my machine?!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I thought I felt something pinchy!”

(he manages to haul his fat ass to his feet and there lies the crushed remains of hojo’s weather machine.)

Hojo: *in shock* “My….my machine! My glorious machine!! You smashed it, you unorganized arrangement of mass! You smashed it!”

Heidegger: “Shame to waste it! Gya haa haa!”

(and with that he starts to eat the pieces. hojo collapses in tears, banging on the floor. everyone else, who has been outside, comes back in to this scene)

Scarlet: “What happened?”

Kuja: “I’m guessing Heidegger wrecked Hojo’s machine.”

Nida: “Dammit! And I was gonna use that thing to ruin the Garden Bachelor Auction they wouldn’t let me participate in!”

Scarlet: “I’m not even gonna comment on that one.”

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(back in the car, elena is pushing, trying to get the baby out. tseng is there, waiting to pull the baby out, but he looks totally grossed out and is grimacing the whole time and keeping his eyes closed)

Elena: *in a lot of pain* “AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!”

Tseng: *having to peek* “Oh god, there’s the head.”

Elena: “You can see the head?!”

Tseng: “Yes!! Push!!! Only a little more!!!!”

(taking a great deep breath, elena pushes with all her might. and out comes the baby girl, right into tseng’s arms)

Tseng: *blink blink*

Elena: *collapses in exhaustion*

Tseng: *stares at baby in amazement*

Baby: *cries*

(tseng gapes at the baby for a moment more, than notices the lights from a police car pulling up next to the car…)

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back at the ramble room, lark is alone watching tv when the news comes on…)

Lark: “Ugh. Any news I need I’ll get from the internet.” *looks for remote* “Where’s the remote?” *it’s nowhere in sight* “Eh, screw it.”

(she looks back at the tv where the newscast has begun.)

Reporter: “Our top story tonight, a man who was stranded with his pregnant friend in the blizzard wound up delivering the baby this afternoon after their car skidded off the road. Mother and baby are doing just great and resting after their unusual ordeal.”

(they show a picture of tseng and elena at the hospital. elena is holding the baby, who has black hair, in her arms with a smile. lark’s jaw drops)

Lark: “OMG!!! REEVE!!!! GUYS!!!!! COME QUICK!!!!!”

(in a matter of seconds, reno, rufus, reeve, rude, zell, irvine and sephiroth come running in)

Lark: *blink blink* “Wow. You all heard me?”

Sephiroth: “I heard you from next door! Are you hurt? Are you okay?!”

Lark: “I’m fine! Look!” *points to tv*

(all the guys’ jaws drop)

Reeve: “Tseng!?”

Reporter: “Tseng, you really had no choice but to deliver this baby. Was it scary?”

Tseng: “At first. I tried calling everyone I knew to try and come help out, but no one was answering their phones!”

Sephiroth: “Oh crap. The one day Dracula eats my phone!”

Lark: “What?!”

Sephiroth: “You don’t wanna go there. Trust me.”

Reporter: “Elena, this must have been very hard for you! Were you scared?”

Elena: “No! I knew Tseng could do it! I trust him totally!”

Reporter: “This really is quite an amazing story! Tell me, have you named your daughter yet?”

Elena: *looks at tseng* “Have you?”

Tseng: “Actually, I want to name her Lily. Because the snow lily blooms just when the snow is melting.”

Reeve: *tears in his eyes* “I taught him that!”

Rufus: “So he can talk about something as stupid as flowers, but I can’t talk about my bear’s wardrobe with his paid professional stylist?!”

Sephiroth: “What?!”

Everyone: “Shush!”

Elena: “That’s a beautiful name!”

Tseng: “I’m glad you like it.”

Reporter: “A lovely choice for a very lucky baby. Is there anything else you might want to say?”

Tseng: “Yeah. I don’t know why none of my friends answered their phones, but I know someone’s watching this! Get down to the hospital!”

Reporter: *chuckles* “There you have it. Back to you in the studio.”

Reeve: *crying* “I’m a dad!”

Lark: “What an adorable baby!”

Irvine: “I’ll go gather everyone up so we can get down there!”

Zell: “Awesome! I’ll help!”

(they run out)

Rufus: “I guess I tied up the phone line while he was trying to call… I should probably buy an extra gift.”

Lark: “Well Lily’s perfectly healthy. That’s the important thing.”

Rude: “I have to go make a card.”

Reno: “And I better go get that gift I bought! We’ll meet you out front!”

Rufus: “Speaking of gifts…. Mr. Jingles still has my check book…”

(rude, reno and rufus leave. lark turns to sephiroth)

Lark: “This is so exciting!” *she hugs sephiroth*

Sephiroth: *blink blink* “What was that for?”

Lark: “I don’t know, I’m just so excited! I can’t wait to see Tseng, Elena and the baby! Boy, things certainly are changing around here, aren’t they?”

(she leaves the room. sephiroth watches her go with a longing expression)

Sephiroth: “They sure are.”

 

THE END

Advertisements
This entry was posted in The Modern Era and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s