#143 – School’s In Forever

Hojo: “The answer is he would have one piece of clothing left and I would have a sexy half naked man on my hands! Now, onto addition…”

Originally Published: 11/05/05 . 63 pages

Synopsis
When Rufus finds out Reno, Rude and Tseng never graduated high school, he decides to send them back! Algus decides to send Zidane too. Can the four of them survive high school — with Hojo as a teacher?

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

There’s a lot I like in this ramble – especially Dracula’s whole line about the kitties, which just may be my favorite line I ever wrote. This is also the only time Alucard talks to his pet bat Buttons, who’s in love with him. I intended for Buttons to appear more but that never really panned out. There’s a lot of great stuff involving high school in this ramble – I guess you can tell I kind of liked to write about high school since I also wrote all those dreams where the characters were in high school. The only thing here that was actually taken from my high school experience was when Reno brings the Snapple bottle full of booze to school. Some kids in my art class when I was in 9th grade did this. I was offered a sip but declined. I was a good kid.

 

(tseng, reeve and elena walk into the ramble room where rufus already sits with algus, zidane, reno and rude. tseng walks right up to rufus and drops a stack of papers in front of him.)

Tseng: “Rufus. Stop giving Elena assignments.”

Rufus: “Why? Did she quit? Because none of you can quit. I have contracts!”

Tseng: “Rufus, she’s having a baby and is due any day now! She can’t be running off into the field!”

Rufus: “Just because she’s pregnant doesn’t mean her legs are broken.”

Elena: “President Rufus! It’s doctor’s orders!”

Rufus: “Fine, fine. Rude, you pick up the slack.”

Rude: “Can I get overtime?”

Rufus: “What do I look like, a bank to you?”

Rude: *sigh*

Reno: “Okay, Rufus, so why did you call this emergency meeting?”

Reeve: “If this is to play who stole the cookies from the cookie jar again…”

Rufus: “No! I was just bored that time. This is serious! I was going through your employee files to see who had the same blood type as me in case I need some organs – oh, by the way, Rude, according to the employee contract you signed, you have to give me a kidney if I need one, and you don’t have to be compensated.”

Rude: *sigh*

Rufus: “Anyway, I saw Reeve graduated from high school with honors, Elena was near the top of her class, Hojo, Palmer, Heidegger, even Scarlet managed to get a diploma, but you three—“ *points to tseng, reno and rude* “Never graduated high school!”

Tseng: “I never even went.”

Rufus: “How can I have people working for me who never went to high school?!”

Tseng: “What do you want from us?! We were all recruited as fifteen year old kids! I wish I went to high school!”

Rufus: “Good! Then you’ll be thrilled about your next orders. I’ve signed you up to start high school on Monday!”

Tseng, Reno and Rude: “What?!”

Reno: “Are you kidding me?! You want us to go back to high school?!”

Rufus: “You can’t continue to work for me unless you get your diploma.”

Rude: “…Can’t we just get our equivalency?”

Rufus: “No! I won’t have any Turks of mine taking the easy way out! You’ll all complete a full year.”

Reno: “Can I just go to the parties and not the classes? I’d still be getting the high school experience, but without the boring school part.”

Rufus: “No.”

Zidane: “What’s the big deal about going to high school? I’m high school age and you don’t see me going!”

Algus: *gasp* “You undereducated monkey! I had no idea you were not attending classes!”

Zidane: “How could you not know!? I wait on you hand and foot every waking moment! And sometimes it’s not even waking! Last night you ordered me to make you a sandwich in your sleep!”

Algus: “And where was that sandwich when I woke up?”

Zidane: “You were asleep!”

Algus: “That’s it, slave. You’re going back to school as well. You certainly need it!”

Zidane: “Why do I need a diploma to fetch you a glass of water?”

Algus: “How dare you even begin to question me!”

Zidane: *mumbles* “At least I’ll be getting away from you for most of the day.”

Tseng: “Rufus, are you serious about this? Don’t you think we’re a little *old* to go back to high school?”

Reeve: “You’re never too old to finish your education! Besides, honey, you’re only thirty.”

Tseng: *winces* “Reeve…”

Rufus: “So you might want to go out and buy some new clothes or something to ‘fit in’ or whatever. You’re going to public school. I sure as hell wasn’t going to shell out the money to send you to private school.”

Algus: “Certainly not! My private school only accepted those of proper breeding.”

Zidane: “I didn’t know you went to dog school, Algus.” *chuckles*

Algus: “Now you can laugh yourself all the way to the thrift store for your new school clothes, slave.”

Zidane: *hangs head* “Crap.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(later that day, tseng, reno, rude and zidane are in the ramble room waiting around for rufus and algus to get their act together. they’re shuffling papers…)

Reno: “Man, I told Irvine I was goin’ back to high school, and he laughed at my ass for like twenty minutes.”

Rude: “Shell said I could beat up the geeky kids for money.”

Tseng: “Reeve was waaaaaaaaaay too excited about it. He kept talking about all the homework I was going to get.”

Reno: “No offense man, but Reeve is a freakin’ nerd.”

Tseng: “Oh, I know. I know all too well.”

(then rufus comes over and puts a piece of paper in front of each of them.)

Rufus: “Here are the classes you’ll be taking!”

Rude: “…Biology?”

Tseng: “Geometry?”

Zidane: “Health?!”

Reno: *grins* “All right! Lunch! I already have a favorite class!”

Tseng: “Why are there two blanks?”

Rufus: “Because I’m letting you pick whether you want to take chorus or art–“

Reno: “Chorus! Art’s gay.”

Tseng: *taps pen*

Reno: “…Sorry.”

Tseng: “I’ll take chorus too.”

Rude: “Me too.”

Zidane: “I’ll jump on the bandwagon too.”

Rufus: “And I’ll also let you pick what foreign language you want to take. You have a choice of Spanish, Italian or French–“

Tseng: “French!”

Reno: “Whoa! Why are you so fast to decide?”

Tseng: “Because my nerd is fluent in French, as are several other people I know.”

Reno: “I’ll take French too.”

Rude: “Ditto.”

Zidane: “Double ditto.”

Algus: *sigh* “Typical peasants. All blindly following each other.”

Zidane: “Hey, Algus, you followed pretty blindly when Rufus came up with the idea to send the Turks back to high school.”

Algus: “You can kiss your first week’s lunch money good-bye.”

Zidane: *hangs head*

Algus: “Keep this up and I’ll have to send you to obedience school.”

Zidane: “You can’t do that! Obedience school is for dogs!”

Algus: “You want to find out what I can and cannot do?”

Zidane: *mumbles unhappily*

(then sephiroth wanders in)

Tseng: “Well look who it is! Haven’t seen you in awhile, Sephiroth.”

Sephiroth: “Well, due to recent events I’m spending less time over at Alucard’s.” *sits on the couch* “What’s Rufus forcing you to do now?”

Rufus: “I’m forcing them to do something good for once! I’m sending them to high school!”

Sephiroth: *blink blink* “I’m sorry, what? I thought you said you’re sending the Turks to high school.”

Rufus: “Not all the Turks. Just the stupid ones.”

Tseng, Reno and Rude: “Hey!”

Sephiroth: “I don’t believe this.”

Rufus: “It’s true! Here are their schedules!”

(he holds out a piece of paper, and sephiroth, out of nothing more than morbid curiosity gets up. he has somewhat of an amused grin on his face. he takes the paper from rufus and looks it over)

Sephiroth: *raises eyebrow* “Health class? Are you kidding me?”

Rufus: “It’s a requirement.”

Sephiroth: “Don’t they teach you how to have sex in that class?”

Reno: “Man, I’ll ace that class!”

Tseng: “No kidding. I could open my own school.”

Zidane: *grabs tseng’s arm* “Why won’t you teach me?”

Rufus: “They do not teach you how to have sex in a high school health class!”

Sephiroth: “I hope it’s not one of those classes that preaches abstinence, because it’s way too late to save any of these guys.”

Tseng: “I’m sitting next to *Reno*, and he still looks at me when he says that.”

Reno: “We should compare lists sometime.”

Zidane: “Lists?”

Reno: “Yeah. A list of all the people you’ve had sex with.”

Zidane: *frowns* “I wish my list was longer.”

Tseng: “I don’t know about that, Reno…”

Sephiroth: “What’s the matter, Tseng? Don’t think you can possibly remember everyone?”

Tseng: “You know, Sephiroth, not everyone can limit themselves to four.”

Everyone: *looks at sephiroth*

Sephiroth: *panics* “It’s longer than that.”

Tseng: “No it’s not.”

Sephiroth: “I have to go.”

(and he quickly makes an exit)

Tseng: “Fine, Reno. You’re on.”

Reno: “Awesome.”

Rufus: “I hope you put as much effort into your school work as you do finding people to pick up in bars!”

Reno: “If that’s the case, Rufus, I’ll be goin’ to Harvard next year!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(so the next day the four of them are standing outside waiting for the school bus! tseng is dressed like he just stepped out of the abercrombie and fitch catalog. zidane is wearing a t-shirt and jeans, reno has on a wifebeater and jeans, and rude, poor rude, well, he has on clothes that are obviously designer, but they don’t fit him at all.)

Reno: “Dude, what the hell is with your clothes?”

Tseng: “…Charity bin?”

Rude: “Worse. When Rufus heard that I was planning on wearing my Turk uniform to school because I don’t have any other clothes he and Algus burst into loud, knee slapping laughter for about twenty minutes. After that he spent about five minutes wiping the tears from his eyes, still laughing from time to time. Then he said I could have the clothes that were in the limo when Ceberus peed on it if I washed them and promised to burn them when I was done.”

Zidane: “So you’re wearing clothes that are not only too small for you, but they’ve also been peed on by a gigantic three headed dog?”

Tseng: “What is that, Gucci?”

Reno: “You look like the incredible hulk in that crap!”

Rude: “Safety pins are holding these pants together.”

(the bus then pulls up. the four of them stare at it.)

Reno: “Man, I always thought at my age I’d be drivin’ the bus.”

Tseng: “Hasn’t your driver’s license been permanently revoked?”

Reno: “Yeah, but so what? That doesn’t make me forget how to drive!”

Tseng: *sigh* “…Reno. …Get on the bus.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(so tseng, reno, rude and zidane arrive at their new school. they go inside and stare at all the teenagers who are walking the halls, getting ready to go to class.)

Reno: “…They dropped us off at the *high* school, right? ‘Cause some of these kids look *young*!”

Zidane: *looking over schedule* “I think we all have the same schedule.”

Tseng: “Oh yeah? What do we have first?”

Zidane: “Math.”

All: *groan*

(so they find their way to their math classroom and as soon as they walk in the door who do they see writing his name on the blackboard? Hojo. They all stop dead.)

Reno: “Ugh!”

Zidane: “Omg.”

Rude: “…Is this for real?”

Tseng: “…This is going to be a very long year.”

(hojo turns and sees them.)

Hojo: “Well, well! What a pleasant surprise! Come in and I will teach you of formulas and shapes and functions and so on and so forth!”

Guys: *dead stare*

Tseng: “…Oh yeah. A *very* long year.”

(so the guys quickly make a break for the back of the class and sit down next to each other: zidane, tseng, reno and rude.)

Reno: *leaning over to whisper to tseng* “Dude! How is freakin’ Hojo teaching this class?!”

Tseng: “I don’t know. You would think at this point he wouldn’t be allowed in the same state as children.”

Zidane: “Eww!! He’s winking at you!”

(tseng looks up to where hojo is disgustingly and obviously winking suggestively at him.)

Tseng: “Ugh!” *shields eyes with arm* “I can’t do this. How can I sit in this class knowing that every time he’s looking at me he’s thinking about me naked?!”

Rude: “Hm. It’ll be easy for you to pass then, won’t it.”

(tseng thinks about that for a moment. he looks at reno, then at zidane. then he takes a deep breath and sits up straight in his seat)

Tseng: “Well…” *gulp* “We all have to make our sacrifices.”

(then hojo comes to the front of the room and clears his throat. everyone turns and looks at him)

Hojo: “Greetings boys…and girls, I suppose. My name is Dr. Hojo, and I will be your teacher for this class. I will now call the roll backwards, to keep things interesting.” *winks at tseng*

Tseng: *shudders*

(hojo starts to call the roll. the reno leans over towards tseng)

Reno: “You think you can have your list by the end of the day?”

Tseng: “Yes! What do you take me for?” *pause* “I’ll try to get it done.”

Hojo: “Tseng Tyutyuik?”

Tseng: *raises hand*

Zidane: “Oh! So *that’s* how you pronounce that!”

Tseng: “Huh?”

Zidane: “Your last name! It’s almost as bad as Twilight’s!”

Tseng: “Mine is easy to pronounce! Tit-tune-yick.”

Hojo: “Reno Tsunakge?”

Reno: “Here!” *grins* “Now mine is easy to pronounce. The ‘T’ is silent.”

Hojo: “Zidane Tribal?”

Zidane: “Here!” *mumbles* “Mine is boring.”

Reno: “So how come you and Reeve didn’t combine last names or anything?”

Tseng: “I don’t know. I think it’s just easier to stick with what we have.”

Reno: “I just figured all married people like to have the same last name.”

Tseng: “Reno! Can we please pretend I’m not married?” *whispers harshly* “Especially to another man!?”

Reno: “Oh snap. Sorry, dude. I forgot where we were.”

Hojo: “Oron Dhillon?”

Reno: *snort* “That’s a stupid sounding name.”

Rude: *raises hand* “Present.”

Reno, Tseng and Zidane: *stare at rude*

Reno: “…Dude! Who the hell is Oron?!”

Rude: “…I am. That’s my…real name.”

Reno: “Are you kidding me?! I’ve known you for like ten years and you never told me?!”

Rude: “I don’t answer to that name anymore.”

Reno: “You just answered to it!”

Hojo: “Quiet down back there!”

Reno: *settling back in his seat* “Well, I can tell Rufus I learned one thing at school today.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back at the ramble room, lark sits there drinking from a cup of hot chocolate while sephiroth is lying on the couch, taking up the whole thing.)

Lark: “So you know Tifa is pregnant now.”

Sephiroth: “I’m not surprised. He’s got Cloud’s sperm too. I hope no one tries to use mine, because I am not taking care of it!”

Lark: “Uh, Tifa made hers the old fashioned way. Richter Belmont’s the father.”

Sephiroth: “What?! She’s having a Belmont baby?!” *annoyed sigh* “Great. Here comes another night of holding him while he cries and goes on and on about things that happened a million years ago.”

Lark: “You really think this will upset Alucard that much?”

Sephiroth: “Oh please. One time he got drunk, and then he went on this long tangent about how they used to be friends and he helped them out and everything but ever since he started taking care of his father again they’ve been trying to murder him. It’s this whole soap opera.”

Lark: “Alucard’s not a fun drunk, huh?”

Sephiroth: “My god no. I’d rather help Vincent build one of his stupid dollhouses than be around Alucard when he’s like that.”

Vincent: *sticks his head in* “Are you talking about me?”

Sephiroth: “How much I *hate* you! Get lost!”

Vincent: *runs off crying*

Lark: “…You know, there really is no good reason for you to do that to him.”

Sephiroth: “It’s a reflex.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(back at the school, the gang has been to english, biology and are coming out of history class.)

Reno: *running a hand over his face* “Ugh. I’m gonna need some serious booze to stay awake in that class.”

Tseng: “You know alcohol is a depressant that puts you to sleep, right?”

Reno: “Did I say stay awake? I meant put myself in a coma. Now where can a guy smoke around here?”

Rude: “I don’t think you’re allowed to smoke at the school.”

Reno: “Sure you are! Where do the kids smoke?”

Zidane: “The kids aren’t allowed to smoke!”

Reno: *snort* “I’ll find out where they’re smoking by the end of the day.”

Zidane: “We’ve got health class next.”

Reno: “Awesome! Sex class! Speaking of sex, how’s that list coming along, Tseng?”

Tseng: “I’m a little more than half-way through.”

Reno: “Me too. For the chicks whose names I forgot I just wrote down whatever I remembered.”

Tseng: “I did that too.”

Zidane: “Oh god why won’t you teach me?!”

(they walk into the class and grab seats towards the back.)

Reno: “Who are you even looking to get with, Zidane?”

Zidane: “Anyone! You know I’m flexible!”

Tseng: *snort*

Reno: “Heh heh.”

Rude: *smirks*

Zidane: “…What?” *pause* “Oh man, you guys belong in high school.” *pause* “Okay, I guess I meant it that way too.”

Reno: “Next time you’re alone with someone you wanna bang, just make a bold move! That always works for me! Usually I’ve got some clothing off before she even knows what hit her.”

Tseng: “And how many times would you say you got punched in the face?”

Reno: “Only a couple.”

(a young, attractive female teacher steps up to the front of the class)

Teacher: “Hello, class. I’m Ms. Swisher, and I’ll be your health teacher for the semester. I hope that by the end of the class you’ll come away having learned a lot about health topics. I also want you to know that if you have any questions about anything, don’t be afraid to ask.”

Reno: *whispers* “Do you think that means I can ask her out?”

Rude: *whispers* “Don’t hit on the teacher, man.”

Reno: *whispers* “Why not? Hojo was visually harassing Tseng!”

Tseng: “Shush!”

Ms. Swisher: “To start, I want everyone to take out a piece of paper. I want you to write down one question you have about sex. Don’t put your name on it. Then come up to the front of the room and put the question in this hat, and I’ll answer them.”

(the students do as they are told. reno writes his quickly. tseng leans over and takes one look at it before snatching it away and crinkling it up)

Reno: *whispers* “Hey, man! What gives?!”

Tseng: *whispers* “You can’t ask the teacher what kind of underwear she’s wearing!”

Reno: *whispers* “But Hojo–“

Tseng: *whispers* “You wanna be like him?”

(point taken. reno mumbles unhappily, but says nothing else. he writes down a different question and soon everyone in the class has put a question in the hat.)

Ms. Swisher: “Okay, well let’s see what the first question is!” *reaches into the hat and picks one out to read* “Do condoms really work?”

Reno: “If they don’t I’m in a lot of trouble!”

(everyone chuckles. the teacher gives him a look)

Ms. Swisher: “Yes, condoms, if worn correctly, are 98% effective in preventing pregnancy. Let’s have another.” *reaches into hat and reads* “Can you get an STD from oral sex?”

Tseng: *mumbles* “If they want a guest speaker that will scare all these kids away from having sex they should get Scarlet in here. I think she got an STD in every way you can possibly get one.”

Reno: *snort* “She’s the STD queen.”

Ms. Swisher: “Yes, you can get an STD from oral sex. That’s why you should also use protection for that.” *reaches into the hat and reads* “How do I get my girlfriend to sleep with me?!?! Oh dear, well that’s not something you want to force someone into doing! Your girlfriend might not be ready to take that step. As you’ll see later in this class there are many other things you can do besides just have sex!”

Rude: *mumbles* “Well that didn’t help.”

Reno: *quietly* “Dude, don’t ask the teacher how to score with Shell!”

Ms. Swisher: “Well let’s keep going!” *picks next question and reads* “Are we going to talk about gay sex in this class? Oh. Well, of course that’s a subject we’ll touch on.”

Reno: *looks at tseng*

Tseng: *softly* “I didn’t write that! Why would I need to learn about that in this class!? I could already write a book on it!”

Zidane: *quietly* “I’d read it!”

Ms. Swisher: *picking next question and reading* “Is there some kind of diagram of sexual positions in the back of the book? Heh, oh no. There’s nothing that graphic in the text book!”

Zidane: *pouting* “Then what good is it?”

Ms. Swisher: *picking another and reading* “What is abstinence?”

Reno: “Something I don’t believe in!”

(everyone laughs again. the teacher shakes her head with a bit of a smile)

Ms. Swisher: “Now, now! That is not a question to laugh about! Abstinence is refraining from having sexual intercourse, and it’s a very noble choice.” *picks next question* “Are we going to be tested on this stuff? Well yes, you will be.”

Tseng: *takes notes*

Reno: *quietly to him* “Oh that is the lamest question ever.”

Tseng: *whispers* “Well, I can’t pretend to ask a question when I know everything.”

Reno: *whispers* “Oh really, Mr. I’ve never had sex with a woman?”

Tseng: *whispers* “Shush! Reno! Shut up!”

Ms. Swisher: “And how about one more question before I pass out your text books…” *takes one and blushes a bit before reading* “Are you married? Heh, no. Actually I’m not. Anyway, about those text books…”

(she goes off to get the textbooks. reno grins and leans back in his chair with his hands behind his head)

Reno: “Tseng, let’s put our lists off for a few days… I might have a last minute entry.”

Rude: “Dude…you can’t have sex with our teacher.”

Zidane: “Reno, you are the man!”

Tseng: “I’ll believe it when I see it.”

Reno: “Yo, man – I didn’t know you were into that kind of thing.”

Tseng: “Ew. Way to make me nauseous, Reno.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(and so health class ends and everyone gets up from their seats)

Zidane: *stretching* “Finally! It’s lunchtime!”

Reno: “You guys go on ahead. I’ve got a bit of business to take care of first.” *grins*

Tseng: “Fine. Just try not to get kicked out on your first day, all right?”

(he, rude and zidane leave. the classroom is now empty except for reno and the teacher. he goes on up to her)

Reno: “Hey there.”

Ms. Swisher: “Oh. Hi. Reno, right?”

Reno: “It’s a name you won’t forget. What’s yours?”

Ms. Swisher: “Ashley. …Although I’m your teacher and probably shouldn’t have told you that.”

Reno: “I’m twenty-five. I’m probably older than you! I’ve been so busy I’m just getting around to going to high school now.”

Ashley: “Actually we’re the same age.” *knowing smile* “So you’ve been too busy to go to high school, huh? And what have you been doing instead?”

Reno: *grins* “Enough to teach this class blindfolded and standing on my head.”

Ashley: “There’s more to this class than the basics of sex, you know.”

Reno: “Basics, huh? Maybe I could offer to teach the advanced course.”

Ashley: “Is that so? Well. I have to get going. I’ll see you in class on Wednesday.”

Reno: “You can bet on it.”

(she leaves. reno, quite proud of himself, goes to join the others in the cafeteria. he has a lunch he brought from home, as does tseng. zidane has a few empty kit-kat wrappers in front of him. rude has a single apple core.)

Reno: “You all ate without me?” *sits*

Zidane: “I had three Kit-Kats! How long did you think those would last?”

Reno: “Rude, where did you get that apple?”

Rude: *points to tseng*

Tseng: “Reeve made my lunch for me. He gave me a sandwich, an apple, a box of raisins and a juice box. Oh, and he wrote me a note.”

Reno: “I hope it’s a sexy note.”

Tseng: *sigh* “No. It says…” *reads it* “Honey, I hope you have a great day on your first day of high school. Be sure to take a lot of notes! We can talk all about it when you get home. Love, Reeve.”

Zidane: “Geez. If he loves school so much Rufus should have sent him back!”

Rude: “Hm. I wonder who’s taking care of our duties while we’re gone.”

Reno: “You’d think we’d have taken care of all of Rufus’ enemies by now!”

Tseng: *clears throat* “Uh, Reno.” *indicates head towards zidane* “On’tday iscussday this in ontfray of Idanezay!”

Reno: *blink blink* “What? Tseng, I thought you said Reeve was the one who spoke French.”

Tseng: “That was pig latin, Reno.”

Zidane: “He said don’t discuss this in front of me.”

Tseng: “You know pig latin?”

Zidane: “Yeah. I like to confuse Algus with it. Once he thought I was speaking in tongues, and I got a whole five minute break!”

Tseng: “Well, sorry about that.”

Zidane: “It’s fine. Sometimes Algus forgets I speak English.”

Rude: “Rufus sometimes forgets I’m alive.”

Zidane: “So am I ever gonna find out what you guys do?”

(just then the bell rings)

Zidane: “Crap. Guess we better get to French class.”

Tseng: “Phew. Saved by the bell.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(so french class goes by. the gang is now is chorus, where they’ve already been sorted according to voice types. tseng and zidane are sitting together in the tenor section. reno is returning from ‘the bathroom’ and goes over to join them. rude sits in the bass section. by himself.)

Reno: “Remember when I told you I would find out where the kids smoke by the end of the day?”

Tseng: “Yeah.”

Reno: “I win.” *sits* “So. We’re tenors, huh?”

Tseng: “Yeah. I knew I would end up in this section.”

Zidane: “Well, I would hope so. You used to sing with that boy band.”

Tseng: “Yeah. Man, I made a lot of money doing that…”

Zidane: “I thought you hated it and dropped out!”

Tseng: *mumbles* “What was I thinking…?”

Reno: “Man! Poor Rude! He always ends up by himself! Remember the three legged race at the annual Shinra picnic? He had to run it by himself with that broom!”

Tseng: “That’s because you were supposed to be his partner but you got too drunk to stand!”

Reno: “I don’t remember that part…”

Zidane: “I wonder how many people in this chorus are tone deaf. Do you think the good people drown them out?”

Tseng: “I hope so.” *looks at reno*

Reno: “Hey! I sing great! Right, Zidane?”

Zidane: “………..”

Reno: “Zidane?”

Zidane: “………..”

Reno: “Zidane!”

Tseng: “He doesn’t want to tell you lies, Reno.”

Reno: “Oh shut up. You guys are jealous.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(school’s over! the four of them come home wearing their backpacks. they walk past the ramble room where reeve, rufus and algus sit)

Reeve: “There you guys are! How fun was your first day?”

Rufus: “Are you eternally thankful yet?”

Algus: “Even more eternally thankful at that!”

(they all stand there a moment, looking tired and annoyed.)

Rude: “…School sucks.”

(they trudge off)

Reeve: “I wonder if they got homework!”

(he hurries off after them. algus looks at rufus)

Algus: “Even I think he’s a nerd.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(the next day. rude, tseng and zidane are sitting in hojo’s class when reno stumbles in and plops down in his seat)

Zidane: “Are you drunk?”

Reno: “No. I’m hung over.”

Tseng: “Were you working at the bar last night?”

Reno: “No. I went out drinking.”

Tseng: “Why the hell did you do that? You knew you had school this morning!”

Hojo: *clears throat* “Attention all, we are now beginning class. Today I would like to start the class by going over very basic math. If you cannot do this basic math without the use of a calculator, there is no hope for you in this world. So, let us start off with some simple subtraction. For example, if Tseng was wearing five pieces of clothing and I took four off, how many would be left?”

Class: “…………”

Reno: “Man, and I thought I couldn’t get more nauseous!”

Zidane: “Dude! Gross!”

Hojo: “The answer is he would have one piece of clothing left and I would have a sexy half naked man on my hands! Now, onto addition…”

(he takes up some chalk and turns to write on the board. rude, zidane and reno look at tseng who still looks horrified)

Zidane: “I can’t believe he said that about you! In front of the whole class!”

Rude: “…He could easily be fired.”

Tseng: “……….”

Reno: “Hey. Tseng. You alive?”

Tseng: *still in shock*

Reno: “It really goes to show you that you can be scarred for life many, many times.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(after math is over, the gang heads into english class…)

Tseng: “If that creep winked at me one more time I was going to launch my pencil into his eye!”

Reno: “Man, then he’d probably just make himself some kind of robotic eye that’d be even creepier.”

Zidane: “Hey, I wouldn’t complain! He gave everyone in the class homework except for you!”

Tseng: “I know. Why do you think I’m not on my way to the principal’s office right now?”

(they take their seats and their teacher, who is a guy named mr. astron, steps in front of the class)

Mr. Astron: “Okay, class! I have a fun little ice breaker exercise for you today. I want you each to pick a partner and ask them 10 questions about themselves. Then I want you to write up a few paragraphs about this person, based on how they answer your questions. I’m going to pass out this sheet that has some suggested questions on it, but feel free to come up with your own.”

(he picks a member of the class to pass out the sheets. the gang gets theirs and they look them over)

Zidane: “I pick Tseng as my partner!”

Reno: “Cool, man, I’ll be with Rude.” *turns to rude* “Dude, do you know where I can score some pot?”

Rude: “Reno. That’s not the kind of question you’re supposed to ask.”

Reno: “This isn’t for the assignment! I really wanna know!”

Zidane: *turns to tseng excitedly* “I have a bunch of questions!”

Tseng: “Now hold on a second. I am not answering any questions about my sex life or my job.”

Zidane: *face falls* “Nothing? Not even for my own private knowledge?”

Tseng: *sigh* “Fine. If I tell you something will you stop asking?”

Zidane: “At least for a day or two.”

(so, tseng reluctantly leans forward to whisper something in zidane’s ear. zidane’s eyes get wider and wider and then tseng pulls away)

Zidane: “….Wow.”

Tseng: “Use it wisely.”

Reno: “What did you tell him?”

Tseng: “Nothing you’ll ever need to use. Unless you get really, really, really drunk and stumble across a really attractive drag queen.”

Reno: “Even I have never been *that* drunk.”

Rude: “Man, one time you were so drunk you thought the bar stool was a cow.”

Reno: “It was covered in suede! Anyone could have made that mistake!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(biology goes by and now the gang is coming out of history, getting ready to go to gym)

Reno: “Man, that class is soooooo freakin’ boring. I would rather watch Rufus brush his hair.”

Rude: “…I think Rufus takes longer to brush his hair.”

Tseng: “I know! He has like eight different brushes! Who has eight different brushes!? I don’t! Even Sephiroth doesn’t!”

Zidane: “Speaking of hair, you’re keeping yours short, aren’t you.”

Tseng: “Yeah… I like it. It stays out of my face. And I think it makes me look younger.”

(so the gang gets changed for gym, and they’re standing there waiting for the class to start)

Reno: “I can’t believe they make us change for gym! I can run in jeans!”

Tseng: “The real question is: can you run hung over?”

Reno: “Duh. I’ve done it a million times before.”

(then the gym teacher steps up, and blows on a whistle)

Gym Teacher: “Okay! Listen up! My name is Mr. Lashton – your gym teacher! First thing we’re gonna do is form teams of four and and run a relay through an obstacle course! The winning team gets the rest of the period off! So form your teams, and line up outside.”

(the kids begin to form their groups)

Tseng: *eyes light up* “An obstacle course? Oh, this is child’s stuff. Ready for victory, team?”

Reno: “Sure thing, boss.”

Rude: “You got it, boss.”

Zidane: “Free period! Whoo!”

(they line up with the other teams and tseng quickly looks over the course. as the teacher explains it.)

Mr. Lashton: “Okay! Listen up! Here’s how the course goes! First person will climb this rope to the top, ring the bell and slide back down. Then they run across that balance beam and go up and over the cargo net. Then they have to slap the hand of the second person. That person then has to climb up the mats and swing across the trench on a rope. They then have to plow through the elastic jungle and then cross the monkey bars. Then they slap the hand of the third person. That person must start by doing twenty push-ups, which you must count aloud. Then they go up the wall with the rope and slide down to where the fourth person will be waiting for the hand slap. The fourth person has to walk across the parallel bars with their hands, then start running. You have to jump the four hurdles and then run all the way to the end of the field. Got it?”

(all the kids look absolutely horrified. mr. lashton grins)

Mr. Lashton: “Don’t look so scared! You think I expect any team to finish? I’m not about to let anyone walk out of the first day of class that easily! Anyway, figure out who will do what leg and then we’ll begin.”

(tseng turns to his group)

Tseng: “Doesn’t expect anyone to finish, huh? Well this teacher has never met the Turks! Zidane – can you climb a rope?”

Zidane: “Can I climb a rope? I have a tail under these pants!”

Tseng: “Great. Then the first leg is yours.”

Zidane: “You can count on me!”

Tseng: “Reno, I know I can count on you to get through that elastic jungle.”

Reno: “I’ve gotten out of worse.”

Tseng: “Rude, the third leg and the pushups are all yours.”

Rude: “I can do twenty with one hand.”

Tseng: “And I’ll be the anchor. Because even if any of those kids manage to get that far, there is no way any high school kid is out running me. I remember this one time I was chasing down this guy on a bike–“

Rude: “Uh, boss? I think we have to get to our places.”

Tseng: “Right. Sorry. So are we ready?”

Reno, Rude and Tseng: *each putting a hand in the center* “One, two, three – go Turks!”

Zidane: “Uh, yeah. Go Turks.”

(so they take their places. zidane first, then reno, rude and finally tseng.)

Mr. Lashton: “On your marks…get set…go!” *blows whistle*

(zidane runs forward and leaps onto the rope. he easily glides to the top, leaving the rest of the kids in the dust. he rings the bell, slides back down and is running across the balance beam before any of the other kids can even get to the top of the rope. he easily gets across the beam and jumps onto the cargo net, quickly climbing up. he then just jumps down from the top, even though it’s fairly high up. he neatly lands and slaps reno’s palm. reno scrambles up the mats and quickly swings across on the rope. he then dives into the elastic jungle and and plows his way through the tangled web quite quickly. once he’s out he makes a grab for the monkey bars and gets across skipping two at a time. he drops down next to rude and slaps his hand. rude dives down on the mat and effortlessly completes the twenty push-ups. he easily scales the rope wall and casually slides down the slide, slapping tseng’s hand as he does so. tseng heads right for the parallel bars, and having a lot of upper body strength it’s easy for him to walk across them with his hands. now it’s time for the running. after getting off the parallel bars he takes off. he leaps over the hurdles effortlessly and as he quickly gets to the other side of the field all the other teams have given up at various obstacles. the teacher stares at the team in amazement as they celebrate at the far end of the field.)

Mr. Lashton: “…..Wow. Okay. Well, take the rest of the period off. You earned it.”

Tseng: *to his team proudly* “And that is why we’re Turks!”

Zidane: *ahem*

Tseng: “Oh. And Zidane.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(and so, free from gym, our gang heads for the cafeteria for a nice, long lunch. tseng, reno and zidane have all brought their own lunch. they sit at a table and rude starts fishing coins out of his pocket)

All: *stare at him*

Reno: “Dude! Where’d you get all that change?”

Rude: “Rufus said I could have all the change I could find under the seats in the limo.”

Tseng: “Well, that was generous. For Rufus, anyway.”

Rude: “He ended up taking half of it away from me.”

Tseng: “That sounds more like Rufus.”

Rude: “I’m going to go get some lunch.”

(he heads over to the lunch line. the others start to take out their lunches. zidane is happily unwrapping his sandwich)

Zidane: “I made myself lunch!”

(everyone looks at his lunch. it’s two pieces of bread with starbursts in it)

Tseng: *blink blink* “You made yourself a sandwich out of candy?”

Zidane: “Yeah, I’m trying to eat healthy.”

Reno: “Hey, Tseng. Did you get another note from Reeve?”

Tseng: *sigh* “Yes.”

Reno: “What does it say? I can wait to read all your textbooks when you get home later?”

Tseng: “He already read the two I brought home last night, so it wouldn’t surprise me.”

Reno: “…Dude, I was joking.”

Tseng: “…Oh. Well anyway, it says…” *reads* “Dear Tseng. I hope you’re having a great second day of school. Don’t worry if you find the math confusing, you know I’ll be glad to tutor you! Love, Reeve.”

Reno: “You didn’t tell him who our teacher is, did you.”

Tseng: “No. And I don’t plan on it.”

(rude comes back to the table with a pretzel, a water, and a small plastic cup filled with orange stuff. he sits with a frown)

Zidane: “All you got is a pretzel?”

Tseng: “*You’re* eating a candy sandwich!”

Zidane: “Geez, I’ll make you one tomorrow if you really want!”

Tseng: “Ew, no!”

Rude: *sigh* “It’s all I could afford.”

Reno: “But it looked like you had a lot of change there!”

Rude: “It was mostly pennies.”

Reno: “What’s that orange stuff?”

Rude: “…I think it’s cheese.”

Reno: “Is cheese supposed to look like wax?”

Rude: “No.”

Reno: “Ew. I would totally not eat that.”

Tseng: “And this comes from the man who once drank olive oil mixed with vodka.”

Reno: “Oh, that one time!”

Zidane: “If you don’t want it, Rude, I’ll take it.”

Reno: “What are you gonna do with it?”

Zidane: “Put it on my sandwich.”

Tseng: *looks like he’s gonna gag*

Zidane: “What? Hey, when you’re living off candy you gotta learn to be creative!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(the rest of the day passes without much fanfare. the group returns home where once again rufus, algus, and reeve are sitting in the ramble room.)

Rufus: “So! How was school today?”

Rude: “…Bad.”

Reeve: “Did you get homework today?”

Tseng: “Yes.”

Reeve: “Whoo hoo!”

(he gets up and follows the group out)

Algus: “…Is he a bit touched in the head?”

Rufus: “He better be.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(so reeve and tseng go in their room. tseng starts unpacking his books and reeve is looking at them)

Reeve: “So you got homework, huh? In what classes?”

Tseng: “Just history. I’m supposed to write notes.”

Reeve: *picking up history book* “Global studies, huh? Fascinating! So! Do you have a favorite class so far?”

Tseng: “Well… I’m really good at gym.”

Reeve: “Tseng!”

Tseng: “What? You should have seen it! We had to go through this obstacle course, and we were the only ones who could even finish!”

Reeve: “No offense, honey, but of course you’re good at gym. What else? How’s the math going? Did you get any homework?”

Tseng: “Uh, no. Math is fine.”

Reeve: “Well, you should probably get started on those history notes!” *hands him the book* “And when you’re done, let me know. I want to read the book.”

(he leaves the room, and tseng sighs.)

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(the next day the gang is back in math class waiting for it to start. reno, rude and zidane have their homework out on their desks.)

Reno: “This crap is probably all wrong because a certain person wouldn’t let their math genius husband help anyone!”

Tseng: “I can’t let him help you! Then he’ll ask me why I didn’t get homework!”

Zidane: “I asked Algus for help but he said I wasn’t worth his breath.”

Rude: “I think I understand it.”

Hojo: “All right! Everyone have your homework out! I’ll randomly be checking your homework!”

(yeah, and he’s random all right. they watch as hojo only goes to check the boy’s homework)

Tseng: “If I didn’t know it was because he’s just a disgusting pervert, I’d say he was sexist.”

(hojo comes over and looks at reno’s homework)

Hojo: “You don’t have a single answer right! Did your dog do your homework for you?”

Reno: *rolls his eyes*

Hojo: *looking at zidane’s* “You’re cuter than you are smart.”

Zidane: *frowns* “Hey…”

Hojo: *looking at rude’s* “Well. I’m impressed! Everything’s correct!”

Rude: *small smile*

Hojo: *winks at tseng* “Anyone as hot as you doesn’t need math.”

(he goes back to the front of the room. all the guys look at tseng)

Zidane: “Do you believe him?!”

Reno: “Yeah, man! Aren’t you furious?”

Tseng: “Well, it’s keeping me from having to do homework.”

Reno: “…Yeah. Never mind. I wish the old creep would hit on me!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(and so in bio class…the teacher is mr. jordan. and reno, rude, zidane and tseng are taking notes while he talks about the human body)

Mr. Jordan: “Now, while we’re on the subject of naming body parts, who can tell me what would happen if something crushed your trachea?”

(no one reacts. then tseng slowly raises his hand)

Mr. Jordan: *calling on him* “Yes?”

Tseng: “Well, when you do an air choke – better known as a sleeper hold – you get up behind your opponent and and wrap your right arm around their neck. What you wanna do is press your bicep up on one side of the neck and press the bone of your forearm into the other side. And you have to grab it really hard and hold it. It usually helps to grab their shoulder so you can force their head into the crook of your elbow. And as you do this you want to ease them onto the floor because after about ten seconds they’re passing out from a lack of air. There’s also a variant called the blood choke where you basically cut off the blood flow to the brain – that one works even quicker. Basically in either case you want to let go as soon as they go limp, because if you keep holding after twenty seconds or so you’ll kill them.”

Everyone: *stares at him in shock*

Mr. Jordan: “Uh, okay, well, that was very…informative. But basically yes, the trachea is your airway, and…”

(the teacher goes on. zidane leans over towards tseng)

Zidane: *whispers* “Ohmygod! You kill people, don’t you!”

Tseng: *not looking at him* “No.”

Zidane: *whispers* “Yes you do! How else would you know that!?”

Tseng: “It’s a martial arts thing.”

(zidane frowns and sits back up. from the other side, reno leans over towards tseng)

Reno: *whispers* “Nice one.”

Tseng: *whispers* “What? It was something I knew the answer to!”

Reno: *whispers* “Why didn’t you just add in what’s the best way to get blood off of pavement?”

Tseng: *whispers* “Save it for chemistry.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(so skip to the gang coming out of history…)

Reno: “So. Boring.”

Tseng: “I’m bored of hearing you say that every day.”

Zidane: “We have health next. Maybe we’ll learn something worthwhile.”

Reno: “Health class is my favorite class.”

Rude: “That’s because you want to bang the teacher.”

Reno: “Oh yeah.”

(so they go into the class. reno winks at ashley before they all take their seats.)

Ashley: “Today I want to start by talking about birth control. Can anyone tell me one form of birth control?”

(reno’s hand goes up immediately.)

Ashley: “Yes, Reno.”

Reno: “Condoms. They come in ribbed, her pleasure, lubricated, non-lubricated, ones with spermicide, flavored ones, colored ones, ones that glow in the dark, warming lubricated ones, ultra pleasure, shared sensation, very sensitive, ultra thin, extended pleasure, and my style of choice, magnums.” *grin*

Ashley: “…Okay. That was very through. Thank you, Reno.”

Reno: “I’ve got some in my pocket if you want me to pass them around. But if any of these freakin’ kids steal them–“

Ashley: “No, thank you anyway, Reno. Now can anyone else tell me what benefit condoms have over other forms of birth control?”

(again, reno’s hand goes up. and he’s the only one)

Ashley: “…Okay, Reno.”

Reno: “They protect you from STDs. Which, trust me, kids, you don’t wanna catch. I know this one lady–“

Tseng: *loudly whispers* “Reno! Don’t scar the kids for life!”

Reno: “…Yeah, I guess you’re right. Never mind.”

(and so the class ends about a half hour later. everyone is getting up to leave. reno once again lags behind.)

Reno: “I’ll catch up with you.”

Tseng: “If you get kicked out of school I’m not covering for you.”

(tseng, rude and zidane leave. reno waltzes over to ashley)

Reno: “Interesting class today.”

Ashley: “Sure it was! You knew the answer to everything!”

Reno: “Well, when you’re as experienced as I am you gotta know how to play safe.”

Ashley: *interested* “Oh really?”

Reno: “Don’t you know it, baby.”

Ashley: *shaking head* “…Look, Reno. I know you’re my age, but you’re still my student. And this is inappropriate.”

Reno: “You say that now… You’ll change your mind.”

(he winks at her, and she watches him walk away…)

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(reno enters the cafeteria to find the gang eating lunch. rude has his pretzel and water again. zidane is smearing the cheese stuff onto his m&m sandwich while tseng watches in disgust)

Tseng: “How can you eat that?!”

Zidane: “Hey, at least this is a full meal! Most of the time I have to eat Algus’ scraps!”

Tseng: “What is wrong with you? Even Rude doesn’t eat other people’s scraps!”

Rude: “It’s the last shred of dignity I cling to.”

Reno: *sliding into a seat* “Hey there, gentlemen! Man, that was a good class!”

Tseng: “Reno, when are you going to finish your list? I finished mine!”

Reno: “I can guarantee I’ll be done by Friday.”

Zidane: “You’re that confident you’re going to get the teacher to sleep with you?”

Reno: “It’s only a matter of time, my young friend. Only a matter of time.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(after lunch, they go to french class and they all come out of the class looking unhappy.)

Reno: “Graded homework?! What kind of crap is that?”

Tseng: “Reeve’ll do it for me.”

Zidane: “Will he do mine too?”

Reno: “And mine?”

Rude: “I could use help.”

Tseng: “Uh… I don’t know. We’ll have to ask him.”

Reno: “I don’t see why he wouldn’t. He seems like he’d rather do homework than have sex!”

Tseng: “Not sex with me!”

Reno: “Speaking of that – what did you tell Zidane the other day?”

Tseng: “I told you. Nothing you would need to use.”

Reno: “Yeah, but it’s something a girl could use ON me!”

Tseng: “You’re going to tell girls what to do to you in bed? Wouldn’t that be insulting?”

Reno: “Well, when I sleep with so many women…not all of them are great.”

Tseng: “Well I’m not telling you.”

Reno: “Fine! Zidane will tell me then!”

Zidane: “No way! I’m not spreading what tricks I do know all over town!”

Reno: “Why not? You obviously want to spread yourself all over town!”

Tseng: “Would both of you shut up?! I don’t want to walk into chorus with you two arguing about sex! Why can’t you be more like Rude?”

Rude: “…Thanks, boss.”

(reno and zidane sigh and are quiet. tseng leads the way into the auditorium for chorus, and rude follows. reno turns to zidane)

Reno: “C’mon, Zidane! If you tell me, I’ll tell you some of my tricks to get the chicks!”

Zidane: “Deal.”

Reno: “See! Now was that so hard?”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(later, after school, the gang returns home. but instead of filing past the ramble room as usual, they run and head straight for reeve.)

Tseng, Zidane, Reno and Rude: “Reeve, I need help!/I can’t speak no French!/Reeve – help a guy out!/…Help.”

Reeve: *blink blink* “Whoa whoa! Sorry everybody, but I can’t help everyone with their homework.”

Tseng: “Why don’t you guys go to Sephiroth? He speaks French too.”

(reno, rude and zidane all look at each other and then run out of the room)

Rufus: “So, Tseng, how’s Reno doing? I thought he’d have gotten himself kicked out by now!”

Tseng: “He’s doing okay. Hasn’t broken any rules yet. Or been caught anyway.”

Algus: “And how about my slave? Has he been behaving himself?”

Tseng: “He’s been fine. But could you spare a few coins to give the kid a decent lunch? What he eats make me sick to my stomach.”

Algus: *sigh* “I suppose I can throw a few coins at him if he’s willing to dance for them.”

Tseng: “That just sounds wrong.”

Algus: “Pardon?”

Tseng: “Never mind. Come on, Reeve. Let’s go get started on my homework.”

Reeve: “Cool!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, reno, zidane and rude all run to sephiroth’s room and bang on the door. sephiroth answers it looking annoyed and surly)

Sephiroth: *annoyed sigh* “What do you losers want?”

Reno: “We need help with our French homework.”

Zidane: “Tseng said you could help us!”

Rude: “Hm.”

Sephiroth: *sigh* “Fine. I’m so bored even homework sounds fun. Come in, Reno.”

Reno: “Whoo hoo!” *goes in*

Zidane: “What about us?”

Sephiroth: “What, do you think I’ve got unlimited time or something? You’re lucky I’m helping one of you! Why don’t you go see Alucard or Franswa Belmont? They both know French too.”

(he slams the door. rude and zidane look at one another)

Zidane: *shrugs* “I’ll take Franswa.”

Rude: “Alucard it is then.”

Zidane: “See you later!”

(so they go their separate ways…)

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back to reeve and tseng in their room…tseng is taking out his books and stuff)

Reeve: “So, do you have a favorite class yet that’s not gym?”

Tseng: “Well, I like english. We’re supposed to start reading ‘1984’ tonight.”

Reeve: “Ooh. That’s a good book. You’re making me want to read it again! Now, let’s get started on your French homework.”

(he picks up tseng’s french book and ‘the list’ falls out and onto the floor. tseng looks horrified a moment. before he can react, reeve picks it up)

Reeve: “What’s this?”

Tseng: “NOTHING!” *grabs it and tries to take it away* “I think it’s Reno’s or something.”

Reeve: “Why are there a bunch of guys names on it?”

Tseng: “Uh, I think he was trying to think up a new alias or something. Celmont is getting kind of old.”

Reeve: “Geez, there are two pages of nothing but names…” *pause* “…And some vague descriptions.” *eyes widen* “Why is my name on it?” *gasp* “OHMYGOD! Is this everyone you’ve slept with?!”

Tseng: “Reno made me do it!”

Reeve: *reading it* “Tseng! Holy crap! Him?!” *points to a name on the list*

Tseng: *uncomfortable* “Yeah…not one of my finest moments.”

Reeve: *pointing again* “And him?!”

Tseng: “He was pretty good actually.”

Reeve: *pointing again* “Hojo!? Why is Hojo on here?! He shouldn’t count!”

Tseng: *rubbing the back of his neck* “Well… Remember when I was kind of going through that rough time…”

Reeve: *jaw drops* “You. Did. Not.”

Tseng: “You slept with Scarlet!”

Reeve: “Well we all make mistakes!”

Tseng: “You did it for years!”

Reeve: “I was young and really, really desperate then!”

Tseng: “Give me that back!”

(he tries to grab it, but reeve moves away, turning his back to him, still reading)

Reeve: “I’m not done looking at it! Geez! Half of Shinra’s on here!” *jaw drops* “No way! Him!?” *points*

Tseng: “…Yeah.”

Reeve: “When did that happen?!”

Tseng: “A few years ago…”

Reeve: “Does Sephiroth know?!”

Tseng: “Why would he care? He dumps him often enough.”

Reeve: *reading the list again* “Ohmygod! You slept with Dr. Zack?!”

Tseng: *sighs and sits on the bed* “We’re not going to get to the homework for a long, long time…”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, in sephiroth’s room, sephiroth has sat down with reno’s french book and has opened it to the appropriate page, looking the assignment over. reno sits next to him, fidgeting. he’s looking at sephiroth, and obviously he has something on his mind…)

Reno: “Okay, I have to know. Has Alucard ever…you know…?”

Sephiroth: *looking up at him* “What?”

Reno: “You know…has he ever…” *chomps his teeth together a few times*

Sephiroth: “Are you asking me if Alucard has ever bit me?”

Reno: *nodding enthusiastically*

Sephiroth: “Not that it’s any of your business, but no!”

Reno: “No?”

Sephiroth: “No!”

Reno: “Never?”

Sephiroth: “No!!”

Reno: “Not even by accident?”

Sephiroth: “No! Now do you want me to help you with your homework, or do you want me to help you separate your head from the rest of your body?”

Reno: *frowns* “Homework.”

Sephiroth: *turns back to the book again*

Reno: *mumbles* “Ican’tbeleivethevampireneverbithimwhatkindofcrapisthat?!”

Sephiroth: “RENO!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(speaking of alucard, rude is over at dracula’s front door, and he rings the door bell. if you’ll recall, it’s the sound of someone screaming. that doesn’t startle rude. he just blinks. alucard answers the door.)

Alucard: *blink blink* “Hello. Rude, isn’t it?”

Rude: “Yes. Sephiroth said you could help me with my French homework.”

Dracula’s voice: “Alucard! Can you help me get this model train out of my ear?!”

Alucard: *calls* “No, dad! I told you not to stick that in there in the first place!”

Dracula’s voice: “But the conductor said he wanted to see what the inside of my head looked like!”

Alucard: *sighs and turns back to rude* “Come on in.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, zidane goes over to the Belmont’s and rings the bell, whistling happily.)

Franswa’s voice: *from inside* “I’ll get it!”

Trevor’s voice: *from inside* “Make sure it’s not those awful vampires again!”

(franswa opens the door looking annoyed. he looks surprised to see zidane)

Franswa: “Oh. It’s you.”

Zidane: “Yup! Your lucky day, right? Can you help me with my French homework? I really suck.”

Franswa: “At French?”

Zidane: “Yeah, that too.”

Franswa: “Okay. Come in.”

Trevor’s voice: “Franswa, are you letting vampires in the house?!”

Franswa: “No!! Leave me alone!”

Simon’s voice: “Your brother doesn’t let the vampires in!”

Franswa: “My brother isn’t born yet!! I hate you freaks!” *to zidane* “Let’s go upstairs.”

Zidane: *grinning* “Yes. Let’s.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back over at tseng and reeve’s, tseng’s got his head in his hands while reeve is still reading over the list)

Reeve: “Who is ‘guy with the blonde hair in accounting’?!”

Tseng: “I don’t remember! That’s why I wrote that!”

Reeve: “How can you not remember the names of the people you slept with?!”

Tseng: “You expect me to remember them all?! You’re the one holding the three pages of nothing but columns of names!”

Reeve: “Three?! I only have two!”

Tseng: “…Oops.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(and in sephiroth’s room, reno is opening his mouth to talk…)

Sephiroth: “If what comes out of your mouth is not in French and is some other kinky, weird thing you want to know about Alucard, the masamune is right under my cape.”

Reno: *closes mouth then opens it again* “Uh…Hola?”

Sephiroth: “That’s Spanish.”

Reno: “Crap.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, over at alucard’s, alucard and rude are sitting at the kitchen table. rude is turning to the correct page in his book.)

Alucard: “So you’ve chosen to learn French, huh? It’s a beautiful language. I’ve known that one for a long time… I’m fluent in fifteen languages, you know. Though not too many people speak Latin anymore. English isn’t my native language actually. It’s Romanian. You wouldn’t know because I don’t speak with an accent. I never have, really. Must come with my age. I know I learned German, French, Greek, Italian and Spanish all around the same time. I had private tutors when I was younger… They also taught me Latin and Gaelic. Then I learned English. I taught myself Portuguese, Danish and Norwegian. I lived in Russia for awhile…and I picked up the language. While I was there I learned Polish as well. That was an easy one. The last language I learned was Japanese. That was about…hmmm…I’m tempted to say 400 years ago, but it might have been even longer than that. Who knows at this point.” *pause* “God, am I old.”

Rude: *has been at the right page for some time* “Ahem.”

Alucard: *snaps out of it* “Oh. I apologize. Let me take a look.”

(he leans over to look at the page and dracula comes wandering in, a small train sticking out of one of his ears)

Dracula: “Alucard! Where is our kitty? I can’t find our kitty!” *gasp* “Oh no! I ate it, didn’t I? I ate the kitty! Oh, that poor kitty!” *sobs for a moment but then stops* “I’m hungry! Alucard, do we have any kitty?”

Alucard: “Dad, we never owned a kitty, and no you can’t eat any.” *turns to look at him* “And look at you! You still have that train stuck in your ear!”

Dracula: “I have a what where?!”

Rude: *sigh*

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, over at franswa’s…franswa is sitting on his bed with zidane’s french book in his lap. he’s looking down at it. zidane is standing up, looking around the room)

Zidane: “So. You know French, huh? That’s neat.”

Franswa: *sigh* “I guess. The old farts downstairs insist I learn a bunch of languages to keep up with the vampires. So I know Spanish, Japanese, Italian, German and Romanian too. And I’m studying Russian now.”

Zidane: “Wow. That’s kinda sexy.”

Franswa: *blink blink* “Huh?”

(franswa looks up to see zidane is on his bed, crawling over to him with a grin. franswa looks freaked out.)

Zidane: “You’re really hot.”

Franswa: *sputtering* “Uh, I, um, uh, I…”

(before franswa can make out any actual words zidane leans forward, grabs franswa by the back of the neck and jerks him forward to kiss him. franswa is so shocked he’s still got his eyes open. and that’s when the door suddenly opens and zell comes running in)

Zell: “Hey, Franswa! I–whoa!”

(franswa quickly shoves zidane off him)

Franswa: “Zell!”

Zell: *looks shocked* “Uh, sorry! I’ll leave!” *turns and runs out*

Franswa: *getting up* “Zell, wait!!” *runs after him*

Zidane: *annoyed sigh* “Man, I can’t get anything done!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(the next day at school, tseng looks tired. reno looks bored. rude looks like rude. and zidane looks annoyed.)

Zidane: “Can someone lend me their French homework? I need to copy it.”

Reno: “Why? Didn’t Franswa help you?”

Zidane: *frowns* “Well, he was going to…but then he wound up kicking me out of his house.”

Tseng: “What? Why?!”

Zidane: “Because I followed Reno’s advice and just grabbed him and kissed him! Then Zell walked in while I was kissing him and it got all awkward and then Franswa ran after him, but when he came back he was yelling at me about how I was a skank and to get out of his house right now. Your advice sucks!”

Reno: “You used my advice on Franswa Belmont?”

Zidane: “Yeah!”

Reno: “Franswa. Belmont?”

Zidane: “Yes! What?! He’s sexy! He’s got that longish red wavy hair and those light green eyes… He’s hot! And now he hates me! And it’s your fault!”

Tseng: “Zidane, you shouldn’t have used that on Franswa Belmont.”

Zidane: “Why the hell not?”

Reno: “Because! He’s a virgin! You don’t just grab a virgin like that! You gotta woo them first! Now you scared him away!”

Zidane: “Dammit! Well why didn’t you tell me?”

Reno: “Because I didn’t think you were trying to get with Franswa Belmont!”

Zidane: “Well can I at least copy your homework?”

Reno: “No! I risked my life for that homework!”

Zidane: “What?! How did you risk your life for the homework?!”

Reno: “Because Sephiroth kept threatening to kill me the whole time he was helping me!”

Tseng: *knowing look* “And why was he threatening you?”

Reno: “…I kept asking questions about him and Alucard.”

Tseng: “I knew it.”

Reno: “You know Alucard has never bit him?”

Tseng: “Really?”

Reno: “Yeah! I was surprised too! Did he try to bite you while you were over there, Rude?”

Rude: “No. But he went on a long rant for about an hour.”

Tseng: “What was he ranting about?”

Rude: “All the crazy stuff he has to put up with while taking care of Dracula. I think it started after Dracula got the model train stuck up his nose.”

Everyone: *blink blink*

Rude: “He already had one in his ear.”

Zidane: “Weird… So can I copy your homework then, Tseng?”

Tseng: “I’m lucky my homework got done at all.”

Reno: “What? With Reeve? Are you kidding me? I thought he couldn’t wait to help you with your homework!”

Tseng: “He couldn’t. Until my list dropped out of my French book.”

Reno: “Dude! He saw your list?!”

Tseng: “Yeah. And he spent hours dissecting it.”

Rude: “Ouch.”

Tseng: “Yeah. It was 2 in the morning before we got started on the homework.”

Zidane: “It took him that long to go over the list?!”

Tseng: “Well………other things happened.”

Zidane: “Oh.”

All: “……….”

Zidane: “So can I copy your homework or not?”

Tseng: *sigh* “Fine.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(so math consists of all the usual hojo being a weird creep stuff. then they go to english and discuss the book they’re reading, ‘1984’. This is the only book I can ever remember throwing across the room in anger. And I don’t even know why I did that. Anyway, they get an assignment, the class ends, and they’re walking out…)

Reno: “Ugh, we have to write an essay now?”

Tseng: “Yeah.”

Reno: “And we were supposed to read that book?”

Tseng: “Yeah.”

Reno: “Does Reeve want to read it for me?”

Tseng: “You have to read the book, Reno.”

Reno: *sigh* “Well, what is an essay? Like a paragraph?”

Zidane: “I think it’s a few pages.”

Tseng: “Yeah.”

Rude: “About three.”

Reno: “Three pages?! That’s insane! How am I supposed to find time to write three pages?!”

Tseng: “Maybe you could not drink for an hour or two.”

Reno: “Man! This school thing is getting worse and worse!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(and so the gang moves onto bio class. there they pick a lab partner for the lab they’re going to do. this time, reno teams himself up with tseng, and rude and zidane are together. they have all the instructions and the materials and are supposed to begin the lab. they have on their desks microscopes, slides, slide covers, and eye droppers. they also each have a small tube filled with water and paramecium. zidane snatches his tube and holds it up, looking at it)

Zidane: “Ew! Gross! Is this stuff in our water?”

Tseng: “I don’t think so.”

Reno: “So what do we gotta do with it?”

Tseng: “We have to take the eyedropper and get some of the water with the stuff in it onto the slide. Then we put the slide cover on it and look at it under the microscope. And then we have to draw what we see.”

Reno: “This is boring.”

Tseng: “Come on, Reno. Are you trying to tell me you can mix poisons but you can’t put a drop of water on a piece of plastic?”

Zidane: “Wow! You guys mix poisons?!”

Tseng: “….No.”

Zidane: “You’re such a liar.”

Tseng: “Do your lab.”

(zidane turns to rude who is already looking through the microscope and has begun drawing his paramecium)

Zidane: “Wow, Rude. That’s a pretty good drawing.”

Rude: “…Thanks.”

Reno: “Dude, you wanna draw mine?”

Tseng: “Do your own work, Reno.”

Reno: “I need a smoke. I’m going to the bathroom.”

Tseng: “Nice cover.”

Reno: “No, that’s really where the kids smoke. Can’t you smell it?”

Tseng: “Come to think of it…”

Reno: “I’ll be right back.”

(he leaves and heads for one of the bathrooms. sure enough there are kids smoking in there.)

Boy 1: “Hey, Reno.”

Boy 2: “Sup, Reno?”

Reno: “What’s going on?” *he takes out a cigarette lights it and starts to smoke it* “Man, I’m in biology now and it is so stupid. I’ve never needed to know what a stupid paramecia or whatever it is looked like. Everything you learn here is so worthless.”

(the door opens and tseng comes in)

Reno: “Hey, dude! What are you doing here?!” *holds out cigarette* “Want one?”

Tseng: “Reno, you’ve known me long enough to know I don’t touch those things. I came to actually use the bathroom, if you know what I mean.”

Reno: “Hey, it’s all cool, man. Tseng, meet Craig and Dave.”

Tseng: “Hey.”

Dave: “Hey, what’s up?”

Craig: “Hey…are you the guy Reno’s comparing lists with? You really slept with that many chicks?”

Tseng: “….Something like that.”

Craig: “You rule, man!”

Dave: *checking watch* “Sh*t, we gotta go.”

Craig: “Yeah. One more detention and I’m suspended. See ya, Reno!”

Dave: “Bye, Reno!”

Reno: “Later!”

(the two boys leave. Tseng goes to use the urinal. Reno leans against the wall.)

Reno: “Can you believe that kid Zidane?”

Tseng: “Oh I know.”

Reno: “He idolizes you!”

Tseng: “What?”

Reno: “He does! Me too, but mostly you. Why do you think he’s always asking you a million questions?”

(tseng finishes up and goes to wash his hands)

Tseng: “I’m the last one anyone should idolize.”

Reno: “Don’t say that, man. You know me n’ Rude both–”

Tseng: *drying hands* “Please.”

(reno doesn’t say anything else. Tseng finishes drying his hands and tosses out the towel.)

Tseng: “…Come on. Let’s get back to class.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, let us divert to dracula’s. alucard is slumped over at the kitchen table while Dracula wanders around in the background trying to balance a lamp on his head. Not just a lamp shade, but the whole damn lamp.)

Dracula: “I’m the king of siam!”

Alucard: “…That’s it. I can’t take this anymore.”

(and then he turns into a bat and flies upstairs and into the attic. There is another bat, buttons, hanging from the rafters. Alucard lands besides him and they begin to talk in squeaky bat language.)

Buttons: “Alucard! What a pleasant surprise!”

Alucard: “Dad is driving me nuts. I just had to talk to someone.”

Buttons: “Haven’t I always been here for you?”

Alucard: “You have. It’s just…dad is ruining my life.”

Buttons: “You mean in general or this century?”

Alucard: “Especially this century! Sephiroth doesn’t even want to come over anymore because of him! He ruins every relationship I ever had!”

Buttons: “He couldn’t ruin our relationship…”

Alucard: “Buttons, I told you. I’m not interested in being a bat forever.”

Buttons: “But no one will ever love you like I love you, Alucard!”

Alucard: “Buttons, we’ve spoken about this countless times. I’m not interested. It’s never going to happen.”

Buttons: “I’ll never stop giving up hope!”

(there’s suddenly a loud crash from downstairs)

Dracula’s voice: “My royal head dress!”

Alucard: “….I rather liked that lamp.”

Buttons: “I promise you won’t miss being a person.”

Alucard: “No. I better get downstairs before he destroys more things.”

Buttons: “You know where I’ll be if you want to talk more…or if you change your mind.”

(without another word alucard flies back down to the top of the steps where he turns into himself again)

Alucard: “I’ve got a crazy father, a bat who’s in love with me and people who are constantly trying to kill me across the street. Why is immortality supposed to be great again?”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(and so back to the school, the gang is coming out of history…)

Reno: “It was still boring.”

Tseng: “Come on, Reno. You must be learning something.”

Reno: “No. But my drawings of naked chicks are getting better.”

(they start off towards gym when they suddenly see hojo, wearing a huge cowboy hat, duck into one of the boy’s locker rooms. They all freeze)

Zidane: “Was that Hojo?”

Rude: “Hm. The cowboy hat.”

Zidane: “Yeah! What’s up with the stupid hat?”

Reno: “What an ass.”

Tseng: *eyes wide* “Oh no. Not the cowboy hat!”

Reno: “Man, I know it looked awful on him, but—“

Tseng: “No! He’s got camera equipment in that hat!”

Zidane: “So you mean he’s…”

Tseng: “Yes!”

Reno: “Dude! That is so many kinds of wrong!”

(then hojo comes out, without the cowboy hat. He hurries away and the gang hurries in, looking around for cameras)

Tseng: “Do you see any, Rude?”

Rude: “No.”

Tseng: “Reno?”

Reno: “I don’t see anything unusual, boss.”

(silence)

Zidane: “…I don’t see anything either, in case you were wondering.”

Tseng: “Dammit. He’s too good at hiding the stuff.”

Reno: “What should we do?”

Tseng: “What can we do? We don’t have any proof.”

Zidane: “I don’t wanna change with that skeeve watching me!”

Tseng: “Would you rather do make-up gym after school?”

Zidane: “Hell no! Screw it! Let the perv look! I don’t wanna be in this school a minute more than I have to be!”

Reno: “Amen to that!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(after gym, the gang heads to lunch as usual. zidane starts counting up some change)

Tseng: “Oh good. You have money.”

Zidane: “Yeah… Algus let me take whatever was under the couch in the ramble room.”

Tseng: “Good. Because I couldn’t stand another day of watching you eat that cheese and candy concoction.”

Zidane: “There was a lot of other crap under that couch too… Somebody’s been using Rufus’ condoms. There were a ton of those wrappers under there!”

Everyone: *looks at reno*

Reno: “Man, I would never use those! Are you kidding me? The last thing I wanna see before havin’ sex is my boss’ face! Irvine’s the one who’s using them! He keeps getting them for free from Rufus!”

Tseng: “Since when does Rufus give anything away for free?”

Rude: “He made me pay to get water from his faucet once.”

Reno: “Who knows? Probably he’s starting to realize no one wants to pay for those stupid things.”

Zidane: “I guess all the empty beer bottles are Irvine’s too?”

Reno: “No, those are mine.”

Rude: “Real nice.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(the day ends, and the gang heads home, passing by the ramble room again. and once again reeve, rufus and algus are hanging out in there)

Reeve: “Hi, you guys! Do you have homework today?”

Reno: “Yeah, Reeve! You wanna write an essay for me?”

Rufus: “Reno! I’m not sending you to school to have Reeve do your work!”

(they all walk away, reno muttering unhappily. reeve, mumbling something about homework, gets up and follows them out. algus turns to rufus)

Algus: “It appears their schooling is going fairly well.”

Rufus: “I know. I’m actually kind of shocked. I thought for sure I would have gotten a call about Reno breaking something by now.”

Algus: “Soon we will be served by better educated employees.”

Rufus: “Finally!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(and finally it’s friday. rude, tseng and zidane are sitting in math class waiting for the period to begin. tseng is trying to ignore hojo’s winking at him.)

Tseng: *shielding his face* “Is he still doing it?”

Zidane: “Yes.”

Rude: “I wonder if they found those cameras…”

Tseng: “I hope they do. Sometimes I don’t think that having no homework is worth this.”

(then reno comes in, holding a snapple bottle that appears full. he sits down with a grin)

Reno: “Gooooooooooood morning! It’s a great day!” *opens the bottle and takes a long swig*

Zidane: “Where’d you get the iced tea?”

Reno: “I brought it from home.”

Zidane: “Can I have a sip?”

Reno: “No.”

Rude: *smells air* “It’s booze.”

Tseng: “What?”

Rude: “That’s not iced tea. He’s got booze in there.”

Reno: “Thanks a lot, Rude!”

Rude: “…You should have offered to share.”

Tseng: “Reno! You’re going to get drunk at school!?”

Reno: “Oh please. No one can ever tell when I’m drunk.”

Tseng: “Are you kidding me? Everyone can tell when you’re drunk! You always start running around singing songs at the top of your lungs!”

Zidane: *looking at bottle* “What is even in there?”

Reno: “Rum.”

Zidane: “Cool! Can I have a sip?”

Reno: “No! It took me a long time to think of this idea! Bring your own.”

Tseng: “You know, Reno, you are the most–“

Reno: “Hojo’s writing another word problem involving you and your clothes again.”

(tseng looks at the board where hojo is indeed writing another inappropriate word problem.)

Tseng: “…Give me a sip from the bottle.” *reno wordlessly hands it over* “I’m gonna need it.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(so…cut to history. reno is semi-drunk by this point. everyone else looks zoned out. about half-way through the class they’re told to read silently from the book. reno gets up, goes over to the teacher, and then comes back to get his stuff)

Tseng: *whispers* “Where are you going?”

Reno: *whispers* “To the nurse.” *grins* “See you later.”

(tseng shakes his head and reno leaves the room. he, of course, does not go to the nurse’s office. he instead goes to the health classroom where ashley is alone.)

Ashley: “Oh! Reno! What are you doing here?”

Reno: “I had to come by and see how beautiful you look today.”

Ashley: “Smooth.”

Reno: “You haven’t see anything yet.”

Ashley: “…Why don’t you shut the door?”

(and he does.)

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(about twenty minutes later the rest of the gang comes out of history and starts to head down towards health class.)

Zidane: “What happened to Reno?”

Tseng: *sigh* “Oh, he pretended like he had to go to the nurse to get out of class.”

Zidane: “Well, he did finish that whole huge bottle full of booze.”

Tseng: “Oh, please. That’s just a warm-up for him.”

(they go into the classroom and they’re the first students to arrive…except for reno. he sits in his seat, grinning from ear to ear. ashley is nowhere to be seen)

Reno: “How was the rest of history?”

Rude: “…You had sex.”

Reno: “Yeah I did!”

Tseng: “What?! You had sex with our health teacher?!”

Reno: “I sure as hell did!”

Zidane: “How did you pull that off?!”

Reno: “Skills, my young friend. Skills.”

Tseng: “So are you satisfied? Is your list complete…for now?”

Reno: “Relax, dude. I’ll have it for you in chorus.”

(other students start to come in, and finally ashley comes out of the back room, her hair looking a bit tousled.)

Ashley: “Okay, everyone… Take your seats. Today we’re going to talk about the basic mechanics of sex.”

Reno: *whispers* “I guess you can say I gave her a lesson of my own!”

Zidane: *whispers* “Can you tell me how you did it?”

Reno: *whispers* “Sorry, dude. But there are some secrets a man just can’t reveal.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(following health class, the gang goes to lunch as usual. and I think I’ve been using the word ‘gang’ way too much. anyway, while they’re enjoying their food, hojo is called into the principal’s office…)

Principal: “Come in, Dr. Hojo. Have a seat.”

Hojo: *sitting* “This isn’t about a certain student in my first period class who is extremely attractive and unusually old to be attending high school, is it?”

Principal: “No.”

Hojo: “Oh.” *mutters* “Maybe I have a chance yet…”

Principal: “Dr. Hojo, the reason I called you in here today is because I found out you have hidden cameras in the boy’s locker room for your viewing pleasure!!”

Hojo: “How did you know that?”

Principal: “I know my school! And you’re fired!”

Hojo: “Fired? For having the cameras?”

Principal: “No! For not sharing the footage! Now get out of my office!”

(hojo looks surprised for a moment, but he finally gets up and leaves the office.)

Hojo: “…Wow. That really does make you think.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(and finally, in chorus…reno and tseng take out their lists.)

Reno: “Ta da! Here you go.”

(they exchange lists. tseng looks over reno’s casually. reno looks over tseng’s, humming to himself at first. but then his eyes get wider and wider and he starts reading more quickly)

Reno: “No way! How can you have so many more than I do?!”

Tseng: “I’ve got five years on you, buddy.” *snatches his back* “Talk to me when you’re thirty.”

Reno: *frowns* “Well…at least my list is still growing! You’re only going to have sex with one person for the rest of your life!”

Tseng: “I’ll still be having lots of sex with that one person though.”

Reno: “…I don’t feel much like singing anymore.”

Zidane: “Look on the bright side, Reno! You had sex with our really hot health teacher!”

Reno: “Well according to his list Tseng had sex with our really disgusting math teacher.”

Zidane: *looks at tseng in shock* “What?!”

Tseng: *sweat drops* “Uh… Look at Rude! Poor Rude, sitting all by himself.”

Rude: *waves*

Reno: *waves back with a laugh* “You know…maybe I could get used to this school gig after all. I don’t have to go to work, I’m still getting paid, and I found a way to hide my booze in class!”

Tseng: “It’s kind of good to find something else I’m good at besides…well, you know.”

Zidane: “And I like not having to wait on Algus for a few hours!”

Tseng: “I think Rude likes it too.”

Rude: *waves*

Reno: “Yup! I think this was actually one of Rufus’ good ideas…”

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(cut to later that day, reno is getting drunk in the ramble room while tseng reads ‘1984’. rude is writing something and zidane is doing math. rufus comes in with reeve)

Rufus: “Time for a Shinra meeting!”

Tseng: “Meeting? Now? I’m trying to read for school!”

Rufus: “I don’t have time for your reading! I’m trying to conquer the competition here! Besides, I didn’t send you to school to read books! You think great people learn about literature? You think Alexander the Great learned about literature?”

Reeve: *opens mouth to speak*

Reno: “Actually, he did! And Aristotle was his tutor!”

Reeve: *closes mouth*

Rufus: *blink blink* “Did Reno just correct me?”

Reno: “Man, I am sooooo wasted.” *falls on couch*

Rufus: *blink blink* “Did a *drunk* Reno just correct me?” *looks at reeve*

Reeve: “Yeah. He did.”

(rufus is quiet for a long time. then he furrows his brow in anger and clenches his fists)

Rufus: “I can’t have my drunken employees thinking they’re smarter than I am! That’s it! No more school for any of you! You’re never going back!”

(he stomps out. everyone else just stares after him.)

Reeve: “Oh no! I should have lied! I just ruined school for you guys. I’m sorry.”

Tseng: “No, Reeve. It’s okay.”

Zidane, Rude and Tseng: *grinning* “It was worth it.”

THE END

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