#142 – Halloween Is For Vampires

Dracula: “Alucard, why are you crying? Did the vampires scare you? Because there’s no such thing as vampires!” *pause* “Wait. Even I know that’s not right!”

Originally Published: 10/30/05 . 16 pages

Synopsis
Sephiroth decides to spend Halloween at Alucard’s. This is one holiday he won’t soon forget!

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

Honestly, I don’t love any of the Halloween rambles, but I guess this one is my favorite. I have either seen most of the vampire movies mentioned here or I got them off IMDB – except for Planet of the Vampires. I was at one of those haunted houses that pop up around Halloween time and was waiting in a long line. They had TVs around with old cheesy movie trailers playing and Planet of the Vampires was one of those movies. I thought it sounded hilarious. Zidane and Franswa also don Zell’s old Halloween costumes in this ramble – too bad he was never anything good, although it did lead to the slave jokes, so I guess I can’t complain.

(it’s Halloween and sephiroth is over at alucard’s house. He’s looking at himself in a little handheld mirror he has, admiring his hair. Behind him, alucard is closing up his coffin)

Sephiroth: “I have to admit I can see a noticeable difference in my hair after using that shampoo. The silver in my hair just *sparkles*.” *pause* “If anyone asks, I never, ever said the word sparkles.”

Alucard: “I only use the best.”

Sephiroth: *looks at the mirror and then looks at alucard* “What happens if you look in a mirror?”

Alucard: *sigh* “Trust me. You’d rather not know.”

(but do you think sephiroth listens? He holds the mirror up to alucard and then peeks at it. All you can see is a blurry image of alucard)

Sephiroth: “Oh. That’s it?”

Alucard: “What were you expecting? The picture of Dorian Gray?”

Sephiroth: *pouts* “I don’t know.” *pause* “So, today is Halloween. Am I going to be seeing things weirder than normal?”

Alucard: *sigh* “Not really. Dad won’t even know it’s Halloween for most of the day. And when he finally figures it out he gets all his holidays messed up. Oh, and if the doorbell rings make sure it’s not the Belmont’s before you open the door.”

Sephiroth: “Do you think I *want* holy water thrown on me again?”

Alucard: “Halloween is particularly bad. They’re those people who are convinced that Halloween is a holiday just for the devil.”

Sephiroth: “Somehow that doesn’t shock me.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… 

(meanwhile, over at the belmonts, everyone but franswa is sitting around.)

Trevor: “We all quite approve of the woman you have selected, Richter!”

Simon: “You done good this time.”

Juste: “Yes, my son! We were all quite impressed!”

Richter: “I’m glad you found her so worthy.”

Trevor: “But alas, we have other matters on our hands today. It is the devil’s holiday!”

Simon: “Those vampires will be up to no good for sure!”

(suddenly franswa enters carrying a broom)

Belmonts: “A WITCH!!!! A WITCH!!!!”

(franswa stands in shock as suddenly an axe, a knife, a cross and a jar of holy water go flying past his head and slam into the wall.)

Franswa: “I’m not a witch, you freaks! I was sweeping the kitchen because someone spilled Metamucil all over the floor!”

Juste: “…Oh. Right. That would have been me.”

Franswa: *annoyed sigh* “Well who’s going to clean this holy water off the wall and patch up these holes? Not me!”

(he stalks off. the elder belmonts all look at richter)

Richter: *sigh* “I’ll get the plaster.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… 

(meanwhile, back across the street at dracula’s, sephiroth and alucard come downstairs to find dracula sitting in front of the tv)

Dracula: “Guess what the TV told me, Alucard! Today is Halloween!”

Alucard: *hits self in head* “So it begins.”

Dracula: “When are we having turkey?”

Alucard: “That’s Thanksgiving.”

Dracula: “What about the tree you’re supposed to put up?”

Alucard: “That’s Christmas, dad.”

Dracula: “Are we hiding eggs?”

Alucard: “Easter.”

Dracula: “Fireworks—“

Alucard: “Fourth of July.”

Dracula: “Menorah—“

Alucard: “Hanukkah.”

Dracula: “Hanging sporks from the ceiling?”

Alucard: “You made that up.”

Dracula: “Wait! Wait! I know! Halloween is for monsters!” *gasp* “Is it my birthday, Alucard?”

Alucard: “No, dad.”

Dracula: “Then why are they showing my life story all day?”

(everyone looks at the tv where a promo for the upcoming lineup is being shown)

TV Voice: “Today on the Monster Movie Channel: it’s our Halloween of Vampires marathon! Five back to back vampire flicks! Dracula 2000, Planet of the Vampires, Dracula, Interview with a Vampire and Bram Stoker’s Dracula!”

Alucard: “None of those are really about you, dad.”

Dracula: “Alucard, when the year 2000 comes, I’m going to change my name to Dracula – 2000! I think it sounds cool.”

Alucard: “At this point there’s no helping you, dad.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… 

(meanwhile, back over at the belmonts…it’s a few hours later and the wall has been repaired. in the living room the belmonts are putting holy water into their supersoakers. then the doorbell rings. franswa runs down the stairs to get the door)

Trevor: “The pamphlets are in the closet!”

Simon: “Take some holy water!”

(franswa ignores them and opens the door. it’s zell dressed as a knight)

Zell: “Hey, man! Trick or treat! Happy Halloween!”

Franswa: “Shush! Don’t let them hear you!”

(he quickly steps outside with zell shutting the door behind him)

Zell: “What’s wrong?”

Franswa: “We don’t celebrate Halloween. My crazy family thinks that this is the day for the monsters to do horrible monster things or something like that. If anyone comes to the door all we do is give out a pamphlet on how evil Halloween is. …Or sometimes they throw holy water. I hope no one shows up dressed like a vampire this year.”

Zell: “You’ve never been trick or treating?”

Franswa: *sigh* “No.”

Zell: “That’s awful! That just ain’t right!” *lightbulb* “I know! You can come trick or treating with me!”

Franswa: “…Don’t you think we’re a little old to go trick or treating?”

Zell: “You’re never too old to have fun! Come on! What do you say?”

Franswa: “But I don’t have a costume.”

Zell: “That’s okay! I’m sure someone back at the ramble room has something you can borrow!”

Franswa: *small smile* “…Okay. Why not?”

Zell: “That’s the Halloween spirit! Come on!”

(he grabs franswa by the wrist and starts dragging him back towards the ramble room. meanwhile, back inside…)

Richter: *calls* “Franswa?” *no answer* “Franswa?” *frowns* “What happened to Franswa?”

Trevor: “I knew this day would come.”

Simon: “Those damn vampires must have grabbed him and dragged him off!”

Juste: “We’ll need more holy water!”

Richter: “Those damned vampires! If it’s a fight they want, then that’s what they’ll get!”

Trevor: “Hurry! We have many more preparations to do!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… 

(back over at dracula’s a few more hours later, the movie ‘planet of the vampires’ is ending. dracula is still sitting on the couch watching. alucard and sephiroth are also watching, but they look bored.)

Dracula: “This makes so much sense! Don’t you see, Alucard!? This is where I came from! I came from the planet of the vampires!”

Alucard: “No you didn’t, dad. This is just a movie. There is no planet of the vampires.”

Dracula: *reaching for the phone* “Dracula phone home! Dracula phone home!” *pause* “I wanna soda!”

(he gets up and gallops away to get one. he soon returns, soda in hand. but he looks down at himself in confusion.)

Dracula: “I think I’m horny, Alucard.”

Alucard: “What?!”

Dracula: “I have this thing sticking out of my pants!”

(alucard just stares, jaw dropped as his brain has died and he just cannot comprehend what is coming out of his dad’s mouth. sephiroth shakes his head and buries it in his hands)

Dracula: *reaching down there* “It’s big!”

Alucard: “Oh dad, for the love of god, no!”

(but reach down there he does. and he pulls out…one of his ribs)

Dracula: “Oh, it’s my rib! It must have fallen out again! Where do we keep the crazy glue, Alucard?”

Alucard: *still frozen in a state of shock*

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… 

(so zell has taken franswa over to the ramble room. they see zidane outside cleaning algus’ car)

Zidane: “Hey, Zell! Hey…Franswa.” *grin*

Zell: “Hey, Zidane! Happy Halloween!”

Zidane: “What?! It’s Halloween?!”

Zell: “Uh, yeah.”

Zidane: “Damn that Algus! He didn’t want me to go around and get free candy, so he told me everyone was dressing up to avoid the cops!”

Franswa: “That doesn’t make any sense.”

Zidane: “Well the jig is up!” *throws down sponge* “I’m going trick or treating!”

Zell: “Cool! You can come with us! I just need to get Franswa a costume.”

Zidane: “Can’t he just go as…sexy?”

Zell: “Huh?”

Franswa: “What?”

Zidane: *playful grin* “Nothing. I need a costume too.”

Zell: “No problem! Let’s go!”

(zell goes to go inside. zidane winks at franswa before following, and a confused franswa follows inside)

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… 

(several hours later, back at dracula’s, the movie dracula, the old one from the 30s, has just ended. sephiroth and alucard were watching the movie with dracula, who is now getting up from the couch.)

Dracula: “I remember when everything was black and white like that! They captured my life so well! That Van Helsing guy always got in my way!”

Alucard: “Dad, there was no such person. He was made up.”

Dracula: “Oh, Alucard! You think everything is made up! Remember that time you thought there was no planet of the Vampires?”

Alucard: “Dad, that was like two hours ago.”

Dracula: “And you were proved wrong, weren’t you!”

Alucard: “No. That’s still a movie.”

(the doorbell rings)

Dracula: “Ooh! That must be Santa! I’ve been extra good this year!”

(he runs out. sephiroth gives alucard a look)

Sephiroth: “Should you really let him answer the door? What if it’s the Belmont’s?”

Alucard: “Bring it on.”

(a minute or so later dracula returns, obviously missing several body parts)

Dracula: “Alucard, there were some children! They wanted tricks or treats! And the finger jar was empty, so I gave them some other stuff I found lying around.”

Alucard: *getting up* “Like your body parts?”

Dracula: *laughs* “Oh, Alucard! Are we playing find the other half of your face again? I like that game!”

Alucard: *running out of the room* “Dammit, dad! Come back, children!!”

(he runs out. dracula looks at sephiroth)

Dracula: “Are you playing too? Double the fun!”

Sephiroth: *sigh* “If Interview with a Vampire wasn’t such a good movie I would be on my way out the door.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… 

(back over at the ramble room, zell, zidane and franswa emerge, ready to go trick or treating. zell is still dressed as a knight. zidane is dressed as king kong. franswa has a slave costume on. neither looks thrilled.)

Zidane: “This costume sucks.”

Zell: “Well that’s the only one I had in my closet besides the slave one! And you said you didn’t want that one!”

Zidane: “That’s because I already wore that one, and I hated it that time!”

Franswa: *frowns* “I feel like I’m wearing a skirt.”

Zidane: “Oh well. I’m gonna get so much freakin’ candy that when Algus comes home later he’s gonna find me rolling in the candy on his bed.”

Franswa: “That’ll probably ruin the candy.”

Zidane: “Yeah, but the expression on his face will be worth it.”

Franswa: “You’re an odd one.”

Zidane: “I’m plenty of other stuff too, cutie.” *wink*

Franswa: *gulp*

Zell: “So are we ready to go trick or treating?”

Zidane: “Yeah! What kind of candy are they giving out at your house, Franswa?”

Franswa: “Unless you consider pamphlets on the evils of Halloween candy, nothing.”

Zidane: *frowns* “Even I wouldn’t eat that.”

Zell: “Let’s head down this way, and we’ll come back and hit the other side later! I bet Dracula’s giving out some sweet candy at his house! Isn’t this like his birthday or something?”

Franswa: *sigh* “Don’t let my relatives hear you talking like that.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… 

(meanwhile, at the belmonts. trevor is standing at the top of the basement steps yelling down)

Trevor: “How’s that catapult coming?”

Richter’s voice: “It’s nearly finished!”

Trevor: “We’ll get Franswa back or I’m not the greatest vampire hunter who ever lived!”

Simon’s voice: “No, I’m the greatest vampire hunter!”

Juste’s voice: “Everyone knows I’m the greatest!”

Richter’s voice: “No! I am!”

Simon’s voice: “Oh, Richter! Do not even name yourself in the same breath as those who came before you!”

Richter’s voice: “With all due respect, I—“

Trevor: “Now, now! We’re all great vampire hunters! that’s why we’re Belmont’s! Now finish the catapult! We’ve no time to waste!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… 

(back over at dracula’s several hours later, interview with a vampire is over. once again alucard, dracula and sephiroth are all watching. alucard is crying.)

Alucard: “This movie is so *real*, you know?! I wish I had been given the choice! But I never got the choice! I was just born into this life! No one knows what that’s like! That reporter should die! He should choose death over this life!” *collapses in tears*

Dracula: “Who else wants a sandwich?”

(he gets up and leaves. alucard keeps sobbing. sephiroth sighs and rests his head on his hand)

Sephiroth: “Now I can never watch that movie again.”

(dracula comes back chomping on a sandwich that obviously consists of two pieces of bread and a hand.)

Dracula: “Alucard, why are you crying? Did the vampires scare you? Because there’s no such thing as vampires!” *pause* “Wait. Even I know that’s not right!”

Alucard: *sobs* “I wish there was no such thing as vampires!”

Sephiroth: “God, you and Franswa have more in common than you realize.”

(the doorbell rings.)

Dracula: “Ooh! That must be the easter bunny! We can set the fireworks off together!”

(he wanders off, still eating his hand sandwich. sephiroth turns to alucard)

Sephiroth: “Are you done crying now? You’ve already ruined one of my favorite movies for me.”

Alucard: *sniff* “I’m sorry. That movie just really speaks to me, you know?”

Sephiroth: “No.”

Alucard: *looks around* “Where did dad go?”

(then dracula comes back in, laughing to himself. his arms are full of candy. plus his eye is missing again.)

Alucard: “Dad…where did you get all that candy?”

Dracula: “You should have been there, Alucard! Some children came to the door, and they had sacks filled with it! They said trick or treats, so I popped my eye out for them! When they ran away screaming they dropped their candy sacks! I’m going to leave it out for Santa tonight!”

Alucard: *sigh* “You stole the children’s candy, dad?”

Dracula: “You should have seen them scream in delight, Alucard.”

Sephiroth: “I’m sure delight is the last word for it.”

Alucard: “And where is your eye now, dad?”

Dracula: “…My eye is missing?”

Alucard: *sigh* “…I’ll go find the eye. You sit here and watch the next movie.”

(he gets up and leaves the room. dracula happily sits down with his candy)

Dracula: *reading off the tv* “Bram Stoker’s Dracula? I was in that! I’ll give you one guess who I played, Alucard’s girlfriend!”

Sephiroth: “I’m not a girl.”

Dracula: “You’re right! I did play a girl! But I’m not a girl! I’m actually an umbrella! Ooh, skittles!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… 

(several hours later. dracula is sitting on the couch watching tv. he has his eye back. alucard and sephiroth enter. apparently they chose to sit that last movie out.)

Dracula: “Alucard! You have to watch this! They really captured my life story perfectly!”

Alucard: “Dad, that’s Frosty the Snowman. Dracula ended twenty minutes ago.”

Dracula: “…I was wondering why I’d never seen that corncob pipe before!”

(the doorbell rings)

Dracula: “Ooh! That must be the turkey man! Fire up the oven, Alucard! We’ll be lighting the Menorah by midnight!”

(he scurries off.)

Alucard: *sigh* “We better follow him. Once he tried to give the children candy and…well…I can’t have the cops coming here again.”

Sephiroth: “My dad has had the cops called on him a bunch of times on Halloween too. …I don’t know if he’s even allowed to open his door for trick or treaters anymore.”

(anyway, they follow dracula to the door. there are zell, franswa and zidane who are chatting with dracula)

Zell: “Happy birthday, Dracula!”

Dracula: “See, Alucard! I told you it was my birthday!”

Alucard: “It’s not your birthday.”

Dracula: “Alucard, these children want some candy!”

Zell: “Hey, ‘Roth! Happy Halloween!”

Sephiroth: “Zell, I think there’s an age you’re supposed to stop trick or treating, and I think you’re supposed to go by your actual age for that, not the age you act like.”

Zell: “Hey! Franswa’s never gone trick or treating!”

Franswa: “I’ve never felt so alive! I’m trick or treating at the vampire’s house! What a rush!  If only those old geezers could see me now!”

Richter’s voice: “There he is!”

Juste’s voice: “They’ve got him as their slave!”

Simon’s voice: “Your time has run out, vampires!”

Franswa: *sweat drops* “Uh oh.”

(everyone looks to see the belmonts stalking over, dragging a giant catapult. they stop in the middle of the street with it.)

Franswa: “Oh no. Not the catapult.”

Dracula: “That looks like fun! I wanna ride, Alucard!”

Alucard: “No, dad. Stay back. I’m not going all over the neighborhood hunting for your body parts again. I had to fight that one dog for your rib.”

Dracula: *chuckles* “I taste like dog food!”

Richter: “Franswa! Step away from the vampires!”

Franswa: “No! I’m trick or treating! Leave me alone!”

Trevor: *gasp* “They’ve brainwashed him! This is worse than I thought!”

Franswa: “I’m not brainwashed! I’m having fun for once!”

Simon: “That’s it. Load up the catapult!”

(richter dumps a huge balloon filled with holy water on the catapult.)

Alucard: “I’ve seen enough. I’m going inside.”

Sephiroth: “I am not wringing holy water out of my clothes again.”

Alucard: “Come on, dad.”

Dracula: “Are you going to kiss me at midnight, Alucard? It’s going to be a great new years eve!”

(alucard grabs dracula and slams the door shut. franswa, zell and zidane walk over towards the belmonts)

Trevor: “Prepare to fire!”

Juste: “But they’ve gone inside!”

Richter: “Perhaps they’ve left some windows open!”

Franswa: “Hey, look! I’ve got some sugar free candy in here!”

Belmonts: “…………..”

Trevor: “Really?”

Franswa: “Yeah! And I don’t think I could possibly eat it all myself.”

Belmonts: “…………”

Simon: “Well…”

Juste: “I suppose we could help out.”

Richter: “It *is* shameful to waste things.”

Trevor: “Besides, we taught those vampires a powerful lesson! They won’t dare try to turn our children into slaves next year!”

Other Belmont Elders: “Yes! Yes! A powerful lesson!”

Franswa: “Come on. Let’s go home.”

(the elder belmonts turn and start to head home, dragging the catapult. then suddenly algus comes driving down the street. he stops the car when he sees zidane)

Algus: “Zidane! What on earth do you think you’re doing with that sack of candy?! I demand to know who you robbed!”

Zidane: “I didn’t rob anyone! I know it’s Halloween, you cheap bastard! I have enough candy to last me months! Haha!!” *he runs away towards the ramble room*

Algus: “You roguish peasant! Get back here at once!”

(algus drives off after him. now alone, franswa turns to zell.)

Franswa: “Well… Thanks, Zell. I really had a great time.”

Zell: “I’m glad! I had a great time too!”

Both: “……………….”

Franswa: “Well, happy Halloween!”

(they stand there awkwardly for another moment. then they give each other a quick and awkward hug. zell pats franswa on the back a few times. embarrassed, franswa then turns on his heels and hurries back home. zell stands there a moment more. meanwhile in the background we can see dracula suddenly coming out to stand on top of the roof)

Dracula: “Alucard! I don’t see Santa anywhere!!”

Alucard’s voice: “No, dad! Get back in here right now!”

(dracula then takes a step, stumbles, and falls off the roof. he lands flat on his face. zell looks with a wince.)

Alucard’s voice: “Dammit, dad!”

Sephiroth’s voice: “…That’s it. I’m going home.”

Dracula: *laughing* “That was fun! I love Kwanza!”

THE END

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