#141 – I Am Belmont, Hear Me Roar

Trevor: “Insanity! Women once lined up for a chance to be impregnated by a Belmont!”

Originally Published: 10/12/05 . 43 pages

Synopsis
When Richter finds out Franswa’s not really his son, his family forces him to go father a real heir. Meanwhile, Franswa feels left out. Will living at Alucard’s really make him feel better?

Ramble Milestones
-Richter turns out not to be Franswa’s dad.
-Duke is conceived.

This is the only ramble to feature an IM conversation. This was an actual conversation I had with my then boyfriend over actual AOL screen names I made up just to write this ramble. He wrote Zell, and I wrote Franswa. I really came to like Franswa as a character – he started off as just this sissy Belmont who was basically there for comedy, but as the Belmont’s took on a bigger role in the rambles, Franswa did as well. And I realized that he couldn’t be a “true” Belmont. So that’s where this story came from. There are some good moments from other characters in this one as well – I love Richter’s dates (especially with Kuja!) and Sephiroth and his relationship with coffins. Alucard acts like a total teenager a lot when he’s with Sephiroth, but especially in this one, where he bitches about not getting attention from his dad after he’s been bitching that he doesn’t want the attention. Who says you have to mature after 600 years? As for the moment where he snaps something so nasty in French he makes even Sephiroth gasp in surprise? You can use your own imagination on that one.

(we open in franswa’s room at the belmont estate. his room is neat and tidy with a lot of cookbooks on the walls. he has some framed art around the room. franswa is sitting at his desk typing away on his computer when there’s a knock on his door)

Franswa: “Come in!”

(enter his father, richter belmont, with a vhs tape in hand)

Richter: “Happy 18th birthday!”

Franswa: “Dad, my birthday was months ago.”

Richter: “I know, but look what I just found! I was going through a box of stuff that used to be in your mother’s closet, and I found this tape. It says ‘Play for Franswa on his 18th Birthday’.”

Franswa: *turns away from the computer* “Mom made a tape for me? And you didn’t know about it?”

Richter: “No. She must have made it right before she died. She was a good woman, your mother.”

Franswa: “Let’s watch it!”

(they go over to franswa’s tv, turn it on and pop in the tape. franswa’s mom, annette renard, comes up on screen. she looks sickly.)

Annette: “Hi, Franswa. I don’t know how much longer I have to live, so I am making this tape for you. I am doing this so that when you become a man you will know the truth about yourself. …Franswa, this is a very difficult thing for me to say. But my husband, Richter Belmont, the man who slayed Dracula so many times, he’s…he’s not your father.”

Franswa and Richter: *jaw drops* “What?!?!”

Annette: “You see, your father went off to fight Dracula once and did not come back. We all thought he was dead. While he was gone, I became very good friends with the baker down the street… He was always there to comfort me when I was so very much missing my husband. Well, eventually one thing led to another and a short time later I discovered I was pregnant with you. When I was about nine months along Richter turned up alive! I was overjoyed, but at the same time I felt ashamed for what I had done. Richter just assumed he was your father. I never had the heart to tell him the truth. But I can not go to my grave without making sure you will someday know the truth about yourself, Franswa. I love you, my son. Good-bye.”

(and that ends the tape. richter and franswa just stare at the tv in shock for a moment. then they very slowly turn and look at one another)

Franswa: “…Dad? Is that…is that true?”

Richter: “…….No! No that cannot be true! That-that whore! No! No! We are going to get a paternity test to settle this once and for all!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(a few hours later, franswa and richter sit in dr. zack’s office waiting for the results of the test. they don’t talk. franswa looks at the floor and richter looks at the ceiling. a clock ticks in the background…finally dr. zack enters)

Dr. Zack: “Sorry to keep you waiting! I have the test results.”

(richter and franswa look at him expectantly.)

Dr. Zack: *frowns* “…I’m sorry, Richter, but…you’re not Franswa’s father.”

(richter just sits there in stunned shock. franswa looks confused.)

Dr. Zack: “…I’ll leave you two alone.”

(he leaves. franswa stares at richter, who just looks numb. there’s silence for a moment)

Richter: *head in his hands* “Now it’s all making sense. …It all makes sense now. Something always seemed odd. It’s not me after all…you’re just…you’re just not my son.” *he looks at franswa* “Let’s get out of here.”

(he gets up and leaves the room quickly. franswa sits there for a moment more, still stunned and sad…)

Franswa: “…Now I’m more of an outcast.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(they arrive back at the belmont house. the other belmont elders look over as they enter)

Trevor: “Ah, Richter! There you are! Tell that son of yours I want some tea!”

(franswa bursts into tears and runs upstairs)

Trevor: *blink blink* “…I don’t think I mentioned vampires. Did I mention vampires?”

Richter: “Uh, Franswa and I just came from the doctor’s office…” *wrings hands* “…Franswa’s not my son.”

Other Belmonts: “…………….”

Richter: “…Doesn’t this surprise you?! The boy I’ve been raising for eighteen years is not my son! Don’t stare at me like that!”

Juste: “I’m sorry, son, but no one’s really surprised.”

Simon: “We suspected that one for years.”

Trevor: “The boy is just too odd to be of Belmont blood.”

Richer: “Why didn’t you tell me you thought Annette cheated?!”

Juste: “Now really, Richter…would you have believed us?”

Richter: “…………..”

Trevor: “Well it’s good to know the truth is out now.”

Simon: “Yes! Finally! Now the quest for a true heir can begin!”

Richter: “What?”

Trevor: “You need to go have a real son! We can’t just let the Belmont bloodline die out!”

Richter: “But I still consider Franswa my son…”

Simon: “Nonsense! He doesn’t have Belmont blood! Go have a baby!”

Juste: “They’re right, Richter. A true Belmont must be born.”

Richter: “I still can’t believe this is happening…”

Simon: “There’s no time to grieve over it! You’re practically fifty! Your baby making days are coming to the end!”

Trevor: “We’ll help you find a suitable mother.”

Juste: “Perhaps one of those dating websites would help.”

Richter: *hand to head* “I don’t believe this. I’m fifty years old and I have to start dating again?!”

Trevor: “Where’s Franswa with my tea?!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(later…richter goes upstairs and goes to franswa’s room. the door is closed. he waits outside a second, thinking. but in the end he just shakes his head and walks away. meanwhile inside the room, franswa is finishing up crying. sniffling back tears he goes to his computer and signs onto the internet…he quickly receives an instant message.)

DaFistsaFury [10:38 PM]:  Hey! Franswa! It’s me Zell!

BelmontBaker [10:38 PM]:  Oh. Hi. …How did you find my screen name?

BelmontBaker [10:41 PM]:  Did you get it from Lark?

DaFistsaFury [10:42 PM]:  yeah, she gave it to me. She told me that you had one so I figured I would IM you and see what’s up

BelmontBaker [10:43 PM]:  Oh. Well…that was nice of you.

DaFistsaFury [10:43 PM]:  So how are you doing?

BelmontBaker [10:43 PM]:  ………

BelmontBaker [10:43 PM]:  Awful.

DaFistsaFury [10:44 PM]:  why? What’s wrong buddy?

BelmontBaker [10:44 PM]:  ….Basically I just found out that my dad’s not my dad. So I’m more of the outcast I always knew I was anyway.

DaFistsaFury [10:45 PM]:  oh…..I’m sorry man

DaFistsaFury [10:45 PM]:  so you were adopted huh?

BelmontBaker [10:46 PM]:  No. My mom had sex with someone else while my dad was missing in action fighting Dracula. She thought he was dead.

DaFistsaFury [10:46 PM]:  oh wow…that’s pretty heavy

BelmontBaker [10:47 PM]:  Yeah. We went to the doctor to confirm it and everything.

BelmontBaker [10:47 PM]:  Honestly, I don’t know what to feel anymore.

BelmontBaker [10:47 PM]:  But, anyway, sorry. I don’t mean to depress you with my crap.

DaFistsaFury [10:52 PM]:  hey man it’s cool. I told you that I was gonna be there for you and I am

DaFistsaFury [10:52 PM]:  I have an idea as to how you feel…I was adopted ya know

BelmontBaker [10:52 PM]:  Really?

DaFistsaFury [10:54 PM]:  yeah, I don’t know my real parents but I was taken in by the Dinchts. They always wanted a boy so I was a perfect fit. It was always Pa’s dream for me to become a Seed.

BelmontBaker [10:55 PM]:  Apparently my real father was a baker…freaky isn’t it?

DaFistsaFury [10:56 PM]:  It makes sense though

DaFistsaFury [10:57 PM]:  it’s not anybody that can make such good cookies

BelmontBaker [10:57 PM]:  Yeah, I guess.

BelmontBaker [10:57 PM]:  Anyway, I don’t feel much like talking anymore…

DaFistsaFury [10:57 PM]:  hey man, sometimes talking makes you feel better

DaFistsaFury [10:58 PM]:  get out your feelings. Trust me you don’t want to bottle them up…or you might turn into Seifer. Man does he have issues

DaFistsaFury [10:59 PM]:  he calls me ChickenWuss yet he almost wets himself anytime danger shows up

DaFistsaFury [10:59 PM]:  I mean you had to see him in Dracula’s Castle

BelmontBaker [10:59 PM]:  Ugh, the last thing I want to talk about is Dracula right now.

DaFistsaFury [11:00 PM]:  Sorry….but look at it like this: You don’t have to try and prove anything to your grandparents and father of sorts anymore.

BelmontBaker [11:01 PM]:  Somehow I doubt that. Everything is always vampires this, or Dracula that with them. They don’t know anything else. No matter where I go I can’t escape it.

BelmontBaker [11:02 PM]:  I’m looking out my window right now and I see Dracula on his roof trying to fly a kite – see no matter what! Even when I’m home there he is! More vampires!

BelmontBaker [11:02 PM]:  Oh god, he just fell off the roof.

DaFistsaFury [11:03 PM]:  Dude, that must have been so funny. As for Dracula and Alucard they’re really nice so I’m sure you could just be friends with them. Who cares what those old guys think anyway?

BelmontBaker [11:04 PM]:  Friends. With Dracula?? My family would murder me! And I’ve been trying to get close to Alucard for years, but my father always gets in the way or I chicken out.

BelmontBaker [11:04 PM]:  I don’t think he even knows my name.

BelmontBaker [11:04 PM]:  I’m just another Belmont to them.

BelmontBaker [11:05 PM]:  A PHONY Belmont.

DaFistsaFury [11:06 PM]:  well now you’re not really a Belmont phony or not. You’re Franswa the awesome baker of cookies and EVERYBODY loves cookies. Just Bring a tray over as a surprise. I’ll even go with you to keep Sephiroth off your ass.

DaFistsaFury [11:06 PM]:  I’m sure Alucard could use some kindness

BelmontBaker [11:06 PM]:  Well, baking does make me feel better…

DaFistsaFury [11:06 PM]:  exactly

DaFistsaFury [11:07 PM]:  Dude Betty Crocker could take a lesson on how to bake from you

BelmontBaker [11:07 PM]:  🙂

BelmontBaker [11:07 PM]:  Thanks, Zell. I’ll go bake some right now.

BelmontBaker [11:07 PM]:  Meet me at my house in an hour.

DaFistsaFury [11:07 PM]:  Can I have some of those cookies?

BelmontBaker [11:08 PM]:  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

DaFistsaFury [11:08 PM]:  AWESOME! I’m so there!

BelmontBaker [11:08 PM]:  See you then.

DaFistsaFury [11:08 PM]:  See ya

DaFistsaFury signed off at 11:08 PM

(so franswa signs off and gets up, opening the door to his room. he peeks out to make sure the coast is clear. it is. so he sneaks out and starts to tiptoe down the stairs. he pauses at the top as he hears voices downstairs. it’s his dad and his grandfather.)

Juste: “Now, now, Richter… I know you’re upset, but you know your elders won’t put up with this pouting in the morning.”

Richter: “Where do they expect me to find a new wife?”

Juste: “Wife? Oh, Richter! No one expects you to do that! You just need to produce an heir.”

Richter: “Without marriage?! That will be difficult!”

Juste: “I don’t think so. They have artificial insemination now! It’s not the 1840’s anymore!”

Richter: “But you expect there’s a woman around here who might be up to Belmont standards?”

Juste: “I’m sure there is! We’ll find you some dates in the morning.”

(they start coming towards the stairs. franswa runs back into his room until he hears their footsteps pass and doors close. he looks upset. when they’re gone he gets up, goes downstairs, and makes some cookies. when he’s done he goes outside to find zell waiting for him)

Zell: “Hey, buddy! What’s up?” *smells cookies* “Those smell awesome!”

Franswa: “Thanks.” *pause* “My family is looking to replace me.”

(they start walking across the street)

Zell: “Replace you? How? Like with a robot?”

Franswa: “No. With a true Belmont heir. I heard them talking.” *sigh* “I don’t even exist to them anymore.”

(they reach the door of dracula’s.)

Zell: “They’re vampires! They have to be awake!”

(he goes to ring the doorbell, but franswa stops him.)

Franswa: “Wait!” *looks nervous* “I don’t know about this… What if they try to kill me?”

Zell: “Nah! Alucard’s cool! And Dracula will probably just think you’re a hummingbird or something.”

Franswa: “That’s true.”

(zell rings the door bell. a moment later alucard opens it.)

Alucard: *blink blink* “Belmont?”

Franswa: “Uh, that would be *former* Belmont.” *holds out tray* “I brought cookies.”

Zell: *takes one and shoves it in his mouth* “And they’re delicious!”

Alucard: “Former Belmont? This I must hear. Come on.”

(he steps aside and lets them in. franswa looks around looking kind of scared. they follow alucard into the kitchen and sit down. zell takes another cookie and shoves it in his mouth)

Zell: “Hey, Al – where’s ‘Roth?”

Alucard: “Asleep. I think that whole half hour where dad thought Sephiroth was the toilet really wore him out.”

Zell: “What?!”

Alucard: “You heard me.” *to franswa* “So then. What brings you here?”

Franswa: *nervously* “Uh…you know…not much. Just wanted to be good neighbors…and stuff. My family never really is too friendly to you guys.”

Alucard: “They try to kill us pretty much daily. I’m surprised you haven’t taken after that yourself. Usually young Belmonts start using holy water by the age of two.”

Franswa: *looks uncomfortable* “Well, uh, you see… I just found out I’m not a real Belmont. My mom kind of cheated on my dad when he was here and everyone thought he was dead.”

Alucard: “Oh. I’m sorry.”

Franswa: “It’s not your fault. They’re already looking for my dad—er…Richter to produce a true heir.”

Alucard: “I see.” *sigh* “Well, honestly, we never really thought you could be a true Belmont. Vampire killing is in their blood. not baking.” *takes a cookie and takes a bite* “Hm. These are quite good.”

Franswa: *beams*

(Dracula then comes waltzing in)

Dracula: “Alucard, where is Death? He said he would finish the curtains tonight and they’re not done. And-“ *blink blink* “Alucard! I didn’t know you had friends over!” *stares at franswa before gasping* “Belmont!”

Alucard: “Dad!”

Dracula: “Belmont!”

Alucard: “Dad!”

Dracula: “Alucard! There’s a Belmont in our house!” *grabs a flyswatter and starts hitting franswa with it* “Get the vacuum!”

Alucard: *yanking the fly swatter away* “Dad, stop it! He means us no harm!”

Dracula: *looks at him again* “Oh yeah! You’re the little one!” *chuckles* “Sorry! I thought you were the one with the decorating! I don’t know what year it is!”

Alucard: “Okay, dad. Why don’t you go back to flying your kite?”

Dracula: “I can’t. I lost it when I fell off the roof. My head fell off, but I found it! A squirrel was stealing some of my hair for it’s nest.”

Alucard: “That’s disgusting.”

(then death enters)

Death: “My lord, where are the curtains I gave you earlier?”

Dracula: “You didn’t give me any curtains!”

Death: “I certainly did. I finished sewing them last evening and handed them to you this morning.”

Dracula: *thinking* “Were they black?”

Death: “Yes…”

Dracula: “And were they velvet?”

Death: “Yes.”

Dracula: “…Oh dear. Those were curtains? I thought—“

Death: “You know what? Forget it. You can buy new curtains!” *leaves*

Dracula: *following* “But you know I’m banned from Sears!”

(they’re gone. franswa, alucard and zell sit in silence for a moment)

Zell: “…Anyone gonna eat that last cookie?”

Franswa: “Take it.” *sigh* “Even Dracula thinks I’m a joke. I can never go home again.” *thinks* “Yeah. Yeah! That’s it! I’ll run away from home!”

Zell: “You can stay with me! I have bunk beds! We can read comics and stuff. And you can help me babysit Mr. Jingles! He plays racketball every Thursday with Mr. Cuddlewumpkins!”

Franswa: “No. I have to go where no one in my family would ever think to look for me.” *looks at alucard*

Alucard: “…Are you suggesting a Belmont stay in our castle?”

Franswa: “What makes a true Belmont, Alucard? Blood or name?”

Alucard: “Very well, you may stay here. It might be nice having a human around.”

Franswa: *smiles* “Let me just go get my stuff.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(the next morning richter comes into the kitchen to find everyone else sitting there going through a bunch of people)

Richter: “Has anyone seen Franswa this morning?”

Simon: “Who?”

Trevor: “Richter, we took the liberty of scheduling some dates for you this morning. And we came up with this.”

(he hands richter a piece of paper)

Richter: *reading it* “Belmont Heir Producer Qualifying form?”

Trevor: “You’ll have to bring those back to us for approval.”

Simon: “We can’t afford anymore mistakes.”

Richter: “You don’t trust me to pick the mother of my own child?”

Juste: “Son, after what happened last time I’m afraid we have no choice.”

Richter: *sigh* “Fine. But where’s Franswa? I’ve been thinking, and—“

Simon: “No time for thinking! You’ll be late for meeting your first potential heir producer!”

(he shoves one of the pieces of paper in his hand and starts poking him out of the door with his cane)

Trevor: “Make sure she has good hips!”

(he’s gone. they all stare at one another)

Trevor: “…Well, where are my pancakes?”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, across the street at the castle, sephiroth stumbles into the kitchen all bleary eyed and plops down at the kitchen table only wearing pajama pants. franswa is at the stove cooking. sephiroth is so dazed he doesn’t even notice it)

Sephiroth: “The word potty is going to give me nightmares forever.”

Franswa: “Good morning!” *comes over and plops a plate of eggs in front of him* “Hope you like eggs!”

Sephiroth: *blinks at the eggs and then at franswa* “You? Aren’t you a Belmont?”

Franswa: *back at the stove* “Actually I recently found out my father is not my real father. You want toast?”

(as he comes over with toast, alucard stumbles in, also wearing pajama pants and plops down)

Sephiroth: *to alucard* “What’s the Belmont kid doing here serving eggs?”

Alucard: “Franswa’s going through a tough time right now, so he’s going to be staying here.”

Franswa: “Bottoms up!” *puts a glass of red liquid in front of sephiroth*

Sephiroth: *recoils* “Ugh! Do you see fangs in my mouth?! I’m not one of them!”

Franswa: “Relax, silly! It’s tomato juice!”

Sephiroth: “Hey! Where’d you get all this human food from?”

Franswa: “Um, the store?”

Sephiroth: *smiling* “I think I’m gonna like him here.”

(then who enters? but dracula. he’s fully dressed, cape and all)

Dracula: “What a beautiful morning! Let’s take our breakfast out on the deck!”

Alucard: “We don’t have a deck. And the sunlight would kill you.”

Dracula: *chuckles* “Oh, Alucard! Sunlight hasn’t been trying to bother me since he got out of prison!” *notices franswa* “Who is this, Alucard? He’s a human!” *gasp* “Did you and your girlfriend have a baby?”

Sephiroth: “I’m sitting here with my shirt off and you *still* can’t see I’m a man, you crazy old cow?! I can’t have a baby, and even if I could, he wouldn’t grow to be eighteen over night!”

Dracula: *chuckles* “I remember when I was eighteen!” *pause* “Wait. No I don’t.”

Alucard: “Franswa’s just a guest who’ll be staying with us for a little while.”

(dracula approaches franswa, who looks a bit scared. but dracula just smiles at him)

Dracula: “Where did you come from? Are you an orphan?”

Franswa: “…Kind of.”

Dracula: “Well I can’t have that! I’ve always wanted a second son!”

Alucard: “…Thanks a lot.”

Dracula: “But Franswa, that’s an ugly name! I will call you Adrian!”

Alucard: *frowns* “Dad, that’s *my* real n—“

Dracula: “Adrian it is!”

(puts an arm around franswa who chuckles nervously)

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back to richter, here is a montage of how his morning dates went…)

(sitting with selphie…)

Selphie: “Babies! I just love babies! They’re so cute and small and cuddly!”

Richter: “So would you be interested in having one soon?”

Selphie: “Omg no! I’m only seventeen!”

(sitting with quistis)

Quistis: “Yeah, I don’t know about having kids… But you live in a really big house. I bet you must have lots of really nice stuff in there. Are your valuables locked up or what?”

(now to yuffie)

Yuffie: “Babies? GROSSNESS! I’m only 16 you prevy old creep!”

(back to selphie)

Selphie: “When I grow up I wanna live in a pink house! And I’ve always wanted some kitties!”

(back to quistis)

Quistis: “Do you currently have any kind of alarm system or anything?”

(and to yuffie)

Yuffie: *annoyed sigh* “So do you have any materia or not?”

(after these disappointing dates, richter trudges back into the belmont manor where his elders are waiting for him)

Juste: “Well then, son! How did it go?”

Simon: “Did you knock one up yet?”

Richter: “No! Where did you find those girls?! They’re much too young for me! One was sixteen for gods sakes! And none of them wanted to get pregnant right now!”

Trevor: “In my day girls were married by thirteen! What’s wrong with these kids nowadays? All those girls should have four kids by now!”

Richter: “Well it’s not the 1500’s anymore. And besides being too young, I didn’t find any of them particularly interesting or attractive.” *sits down*

Juste: “Well don’t worry, son! We found you a nice older woman for your next date!”

Trevor: “She already has a daughter, but she assured us she’s still plenty fertile!”

Simon: “You’re going to meet her in five minutes.”

Richter: “Five minutes? I just got back from going on three dates! And where’s Franswa?”

Trevor: “He must be holed up in his room. He didn’t serve me my morning pancakes.”

Richter: *frowns* “That’s not like him.”

Simon: “Go get ready for your date! You’ve wasted enough time as it is! “

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, across the street at dracula’s, sephiroth and alucard are sitting around watching tv. alucard looks annoyed.)

Alucard: “I don’t believe dad. He doesn’t even know who Franswa is and he takes him as a second son? And gives him my name!”

Sephiroth: *watching tv* “Your dad is crazy. Why do you care?”

Alucard: “He said he hated the name Adrian. He said it didn’t sound ‘cool’ enough. So he said my new name was Alucard – which is his name! Only backwards!”

Sephiroth: “What?”

Alucard: “Alucard! A-L-U-C-A-R-D! Spell it backwards! D-R-A-C-U-L-A! Dracula!”

Sephiroth: *blink blink* “Wow. I never noticed that.”

Alucard: “Well guess what? I’m not going to be Mr. Dad’s name only backwards anymore. I’m going by my *real* name. From now on call me Adrian.”

Sephiroth: “Are you sure?”

Alucard: “Yes! Why? What’s wrong with my real name?”

Sephiroth: “Every time I hear it I think of the wife from the Rocky movies.”

Alucard: *blink blink*

Sephiroth: “…The Rocky movies? With Sylvester Stallone? They’re about a boxer. They’re like 5 of them.”

Alucard: *shrugs*

Sephiroth: “You’ve never heard of it? There’s this part where he screams ADRIAN!!!! ADRIAN!!!! And that’s all I think of when I hear that name.”

Alucard: “Well it’s a man’s name too. You ever hear of Adrian Paul?”

Sephiroth: “Who?”

Alucard: *sigh* “Just call me Adrian from now on.”

Sephiroth: “Fine.”

(then dracula enters with a reluctant franswa)

Dracula: “Alucard, where’s the camera? I wanna take a family photo!”

Alucard: “Vampires don’t show up on film, dad. We don’t own a camera.”

Dracula: “I was wondering why all the photo albums were empty!”

Alucard: “What photo albums?”

Dracula: “Come, Adrian! You can help me feed the pet skeletons!”

Franswa: *gulp* “I hope you’re making that up too.”

(he’s dragged away by dracula)

Sephiroth: “…Was he making that up?”

Alucard: *shrug* “Eh. We have skeletons, but I wouldn’t call them pets.”

Sephiroth: “That’s reassuring.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, richter goes to a restaurant to meet his next blind date, scarlet. he sits down looking unsure)

Richter: “Uh, hello. I’m Richter Belmont.”

Scarlet: “I’m Scarlet Calhoun.” *wink* “Nice to meet you.”

Richter: “Nice to meet you. …So, nice weather we’re having.”

Scarlet: “You don’t have to try and force small talk with me. Your relatives told me you were looking for a woman to carry your baby.”

Richter: *shocked* “What?!”

Scarlet: “It’s no problem. All my medications are safe for pregnant women to take. …I think they are anyway. I’m not a doctor.”

Richter: “What medications?”

Scarlet: “Oh. I’ve had a few health problems.”

Richter: “Like what?”

Scarlet: “What are you, a cop?”

Richter: “You’re the one that wants to have my baby!”

Scarlet: *sigh* “It’s just a few…STDs.”

Richter: “STDs?!”

Scarlet: “They’re souvenirs from my old job.”

Richter: “Your old job?!”

Scarlet: “Okay, my current job.”

Richter: “Current job?! What are you, a prostitute?!?”

Scarlet: “1,000 dollars a pregnancy.”

Richter: “No!”

Scarlet: “Okay, 700. But that’s my final offer.”

Richter: *getting up* “I’m not paying an old, diseased ridden prostitute to have my baby.”

Scarlet: “Everything sounds bad when you put it like that.”

Richter: “Good day to you.”

(he stomps out, leaving her alone)

Scarlet: *sighs* “He’ll be back…” *pause* “…I hope.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back at dracula’s, it’s lunch time. dracula, seph and alucard are sitting around the table. franswa is coming over with food.)

Sephiroth: “Do I have to sit across from Dracula while I eat? The sight of him makes me sick.”

Dracula: “You’re not the most attractive woman either. Kind of manly if you ask me.”

Sephiroth: “That’s because I’m a man!!”

Franswa: “Okay, raw steaks for the vampires and sandwiches for the humans.” *gives everyone food*

Dracula: “Mmm! This looks scrumptious, Adrian! You should have come to work at my restaurant! The other boy that worked there was no good.”

Alucard: “Dad, that was me.”

(Franswa puts two pitchers of red liquid on the table. one is labelled kool aid, the other is labelled blood with kool aid.)

Sephiroth: “Wow, labels! Now I’ll know for sure what I’m drinking!” *to alucard* “How come you didn’t think of that?”

Alucard: *frowns*

Franswa: “And I made chocolate cake for after dinner.”

Dracula: “Wow! Other son never made chocolate cake!”

Alucard: *twitches*

Franswa: *sits with a frown* “I’m sure Alucard has done many wonderful things for you.”

Dracula: “Who?”

Alucard: “Dad, I’m right here.”

Dracula: *blink blink* “You’re not my son! You’re just the paper boy wearing his skin as a coat!”

Alucard: “Oh not this again. That was just a dream, dad!”

Dracula: “Shut up, paper boy in disguise!”

(franswa looks at sephiroth looking freaked out. sephiroth chews his food calmly)

Sephiroth: “It’s like this every day. Actually, it’s kind of tame. Yesterday…” *shudders* “…Yesterday I can never speak of again.”

Franswa: *looks terrified*

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back in belmont land, juste, simon and trevor are sitting around watching the people’s court when richter comes in)

Simon: “Why don’t they do executions anymore?”

Richter: *stomps in* “You set me up with a prostitute!”

Belmont Elders: “What?!?!”

Richter: “She was a common whore! She wanted to charge me to have my baby!”

Juste: “What!?”

Trevor: “Insanity! Women once lined up for a chance to be impregnated by a Belmont!”

Richter: “Well I’m having a rough time of it!” *plops down*

Juste: “Well don’t worry, my son. The woman you’ll be seeing tomorrow is quite stunning.”

Richter: “Are you sure she’s not fifteen or a prostitute or both for heavens sake?!”

Juste: “I’m positive. I met up with her at the mall. She was coming out of Tiffany’s.”

Richter: “Fine, fine. And where has Franswa been?”

Simon: “Crying up in his room as usual I suspect.”

Richter: “…I should speak with him.”

(he leaves. the rest continue to watch tv.)

Simon: “The guillotine would fix him good.”

Trevor: “Yes, quite.”

(then richter comes running down the stairs, a piece of paper in hand.)

Richter: “Look what I found in Franswa’s room!” *winces and grabs back* “Argh, my back!”

Simon: “There are no excuses for back pain now! How will you plant your seed if your weak back gets in the way?!”

Richter: “Look at this note Franswa left!” *holds it out*

Belmont Elders: “…Let me get my bifocals…”

Richter: “Oh, I’ll just read it! Dear — and he’s crossed out dad and put Richter instead — Since I’m not your real son and you want to replace me anyway, I am leaving the Belmonts forever. Hope you finally get the vampire hunting son you’ve always dreamed of. Sincerely, Franswa.”

Trevor: “Who’s going to make me pancakes now?!”

Richter: “Look what’s happened! And it’s all your fault!”

Juste: “Oh dear.”

Simon: “Our fault? How is it our fault that your whore of a wife cheated?!”

Trevor: “The Belmont bloodline must be continued, Richter. You know this.”

Richter: “I know that, but I don’t want to abandon the son I already have.”

Simon: “He’s not your son.”

Richter: “Yes he is! I raised him and loved him, didn’t I? He may not be my blood, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s my child.”

(the elder belmonts are stunned for a moment. richter is visibly upset but contains himself.)

Trevor: “Well… I’m sure the boy will return.”

Simon: “He’s a huge sissy after all.”

Trevor: “You can continue your quest in the meantime.”

Juste: “Now, now, son, don’t you worry. He’ll turn up soon.”

Richter: “…I wonder where’s he’s gone to…?”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back at dracula’s, it’s after dark. sephiroth and alucard sit watching tv when franswa comes running in looking scared)

Franswa: “Alucard! You have to help me! Dracula wants me to help him fly his kite! But he doesn’t even have a kite! He took his heart out and attached it to a piece of string!”

Alucard: *heavy sigh* “I am *not* fishing that out of the tree again.”

(dracula enters with his ‘kite’)

Dracula: “There you are, Adrian! Fetch the rickety ladder out so we can get up to the roof.”

Alucard: “Dad, leave him alone. And stay inside for once.”

Dracula: “I don’t want the paper right now! Stop asking me!”

Alucard: “I’m not the paper boy, you nut job! Now put your heart back where it belongs!”

Dracula: “You just try and catch me on that silly bike of yours! Dracula and son – away!”

(and then he grabs franswa and starts dragging him away. franswa looks terrified. sephiroth hasn’t turned away from the tv yet. alucard looks mad)

Alucard: “The paper boy, huh? Well we’ll see who helps him the next time his foot gets stuck in the toilet.”

Sephiroth: *shudders* “…That word.”

Alucard: “Dad’s forgotten who I am before, but he’s never, ever tried to replace me!”

Sephiroth: “I’ve never seen you angry before.”

Alucard: “Well, I am! I’m very angry!”

Sephiroth: “But why? You finally have him off your back!”

Alucard: “But I’m his son! I’ve been suffering for 600 years with him! How can he replace me?!”

Sephiroth: “Are you jealous? Are you *jealous* of Franswa?”

Alucard: *frowns*

Sephiroth: “What are you jealous of? Franswa obviously doesn’t want to be his son! He’s obviously terrified of your dad!”

Franswa’s voice: *screaming from upstairs* “No! No! The bathroom is over there!”

Sephiroth: *shudders* “…And who can blame him?”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(the next morning, franswa is once again making breakfast in the kitchen when sephiroth and alucard enter. they sit and franswa comes over and sets down full plates in front of them)

Franswa: “Alucard, you have to help me. Your dad tried to make me drink blood last night. Luckily I smelled it first and knew it wasn’t tomato juice. And then he tried to make me sleep in a coffin. He was going to nail me inside!”

Alucard: *doesn’t look at him* “That’s dad for you.”

Franswa: *desperate* “Alucard!”

(then dracula waltzes in)

Dracula: “Good morning America! How is everyone today?” *taps alucard on the shoulder* “Where’s my paper?”

(alucard then snaps something extremely nasty in french assuming no one but dracula will understand him. he’s wrong. sephiroth and franswa are both fluent. sephiroth’s jaw drops and franswa is so shocked he drops a cup. but dracula just chuckles)

Sephiroth: “Alucard!”

Franswa: “Oh my gosh!”

Dracula: *chuckling* “Oh, paper boy! You’re hilarious!”

(alucard is fuming at this point. glaring, he gets up and stomps out)

Dracula: “He better come back with my paper! I need to do the junior jumble! If I don’t, the fire flys will come after me!”

(franswa and sephiroth exchange a look)

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meawhile, richter arrives at the restaurant and goes to a table where kuja sits)

Richter: “Ah, hello. You must be my date. I’m Richter Belmont.”

Kuja: “I’m Kuja. No last name. Just like Cher.”

Richter: “Well it’s nice to meet you! You’re certainly the prettiest girl I’ve been out with!”

Kuja: “Why of course I am.”

Richter: “So far my elders have not had the best taste in women.” *laughs nervously*

Kuja: *raises eyebrows*

Richter: “So, uh, do you have any fighting skills?”

Kuja: “Oh, I’m an expert with magic, really. Never been too much into the hand to hand stuff. Might break a nail.”

Richter: “I see. Well magic’s very interesting. I only ask because I come from a great line of warriors and good breeding is very important to me.”

Kuja: “Me too. Don’t even look in my direction if you’re not drop dead gorgeous, rich or both. Hopefully both. My manicures aren’t cheap.”

Richter: “I hope you find *me* handsome.”

Kuja: “In a roguish way. You could use a haircut and a seaweed wrap.”

Richter: “You certainly seem like a woman who knows what she wants.”

Kuja: “Life’s too short to waste on men with nothing but good character.”

Richter: “We really should get to know one another better.”

Kuja: *wink* “Much, much better.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… 

(following breakfast, seph goes to find alucard. he’s not in his normal room, so sephiroth sighs and goes to where alucard keeps his coffin. it’s tightly shut)

Sephiroth: *sigh* “This is something I thought I’d never have to do again.” *knocks on coffin* “Alucard?”

Alucard’s voice: “That’s not my name!”

Sephiroth: *sigh* “Fine. Adrian! Open up!”

Alucard’s voice: “Why should I? I’m practically dead to everyone!”

Sephiroth: “You *are* dead! Now open this lid! I’m sick and tired of trying to get people out of coffins!”

(reluctantly, alucard opens the lid and sits up)

Alucard: *sigh* “There was one point where I sealed myself up and vowed never to come out again.”

Sephiroth: “I’m starting to see a pattern in the men I date.”

Alucard: “What did dad do after I left? Say if I didn’t bring him the paper the fireflies would get him for not doing the junior jumble?”

Sephiroth: “It’s scary how you know that.”

Alucard: “Well if you were putting up with the same crap for 600 years…”

Sephiroth: “Look! Your dad is not worth locking yourself in your coffin over! I’m surprised he hasn’t forgotten who Franswa is already!”

Alucard: *slowly* “True…”

Sephiroth: “Of course it’s true! I’m always right!” *pause* “Oh, and next time you want to curse violently in a foreign language don’t use French!”

Alucard: “I didn’t know that you spoke French.”

Sephiroth: “I’m full of surprises.”

Alucard: “Do you know German, Spanish, Italian, Russian, Danish, Portuguese, Norwegian, Greek, Polish, Gaelic, Japanese, Latin or Romanian?”

Sephiroth: *blink blink* “No…”

Alucard: “Then I shouldn’t run out of curses any time soon.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, richter and kuja are outside in a secluded area making out. obviously he’s in for a shocker. suddenly richter’s hand brushes against an area that definitely doesn’t belong on a woman and he pulls away looking disgusted)

Richter: “What was *that*!?”

Kuja: “It *is* impressive, isn’t it.”

Richter: *stammers* “Y-y-you’re a man!”

Kuja: “A very pretty man.”

Richter: “I thought you were a woman!”

Kuja: “Thank you.”

Richter: “No, I really thought you were a woman! I made all those references to you being a woman and you never corrected me!”

Kuja: “Well, I do hear it all the time.”

Richter: “But I talked about how much I needed to have a baby!”

Kuja: “I thought you wanted to adopt!”

Richter: “No! I wanted a woman!”

Kuja: “But certainly you noticed my lack of breasts!”

Richter: “I just assumed you were extremely flat chested!”

Kuja: “Oh, that was kind of you!”

Richter: *disgusted* “Ugh! UGH! This is too much!”

(and he wanders away looking confused and disgusted. when he’s gone kuja takes out a compact and opens it up looking at himself in the mirror)

Kuja: “What does a woman have that I don’t? ….Besides a uterus.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(back at dracula’s, alucard has abandoned his coffin and he and sephiroth are playing chess when suddenly dracula comes marching in wearing a band leader’s hat and carrying a baton. he is singing ’76 Trombones’ from the music man at the top of his lungs while dragging a terrified franswa next to him. there are several rows of skeletons marching in neat rows behind them. alucard doesn’t even look up from the game, but continues to ponder his next move. sephiroth stares, his jaw hanging open, as dracula and his mini parade cross through the room. once the last skeleton row leaves the room he turns to alucard who is about to move his piece)

Sephiroth: “What the hell was that about?”

Alucard: “Huh?”

Sephiroth: “Your dad just marched a damn parade through the room!”

Alucard: “I know. It’s Tuesday.”

Sephiroth: “So basically he totally forgets who you are, but he never forgets to march a parade of skeletons through the living room every Tuesday.”

Alucard: “You think I understand it?” *moves piece* “Check mate.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(and so poor richter arrives home very angry. the elder belmonts are sitting around watching the price is right. he storms in once again and goes straight for his father)

Richter: “Father! This time you’ve gone too far!”

Juste: “What’s the problem? I thought she was beautiful!”

Richter: “Well *she* turned out to be a *he*! You set me up with a man!”

Simon and Trevor: *gasp*

Juste: “What?! I thought it was a woman! Really!”

Richter: “I think your screening process needs a little work! So far you set me up with under age girls, a hooker, and a man!”

Simon: “Her.” *points out window*

(they all look to see who he’s pointing at. it’s lark, and she’s on the ramble room front lawn getting mail)

Richter: “I can’t date her! She’s already taken!”

Trevor: “Taken? There’s no such thing as taken to a Belmont! We can take whatever woman we want! Every woman wants to be with a Belmont!”

Richter: *sigh* “I don’t have a choice do I.”

(in the next second he finds himself outside, the front door slamming behind him. he starts to walk away from the house and sees the other belmonts staring at him out the window. so he walks over to where lark is now flipping through the mail)

Richter: “Hello, Miss Lark.”

Lark: “Oh! Hi Richter! How are you?”

Richter: “You see my family over there?” *they both look over* “They made me come over and talk to you because they want you to have my baby.”

Lark: “What?!”

Richter: “I recently found out Franswa’s not my child.”

Lark: “Oh my goodness!”

Richter: “You’re the first person I told who seemed shocked about it.”

Lark: “Well… Now that I think about it…I’m not that shocked.”

Richter: “Anyway, my elders are making me go and produce a true Belmont heir. Hence all the dating.”

Lark: “Oh. Sorry, Richter, but you know I’m engaged!”

Richter: “I know, but, if we pretend we’re talking for a bit, they would accept that it failed and won’t bother me about it.”

Lark: *chuckles* “Okay, no problem. I guess it’s hard to be a Belmont sometimes!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back at dracula’s, alucard and sephiroth are outside. alucard is standing in the shade away from the sun while sephiroth brings food to ceberus)

Sephiroth: “You know, Alucard –“

Alucard: “*Adrian*.”

Sephiroth: “…Whatever. You’re half human, right? So why does it seem like all these vampire things affect you?”

Alucard: “The vampire genes are more dominant I suppose. And not all things that affect vampires affect me as severely. Running water doesn’t hurt me.”

Sephiroth: “What would happen if you got hit with the sun?”

Alucard: “I’d get a pretty bad burn. It’s happened before. One minute it’s cloudy, the next it’s sunny. I hate when that happens.”

(then the door opens behind him and franswa comes running in out of breath)

Franswa: “Omg! Alucard! You have to help me!!”

Alucard: “What’s the problem now?”

Franswa: “Your dad found one of Death’s back-up sickles, and he’s chasing me around the house with it!”

Alucard: “Don’t worry. Only Death can kill with it.”

Franswa: “But he can still chop me in half!”

(then dracula bursts through the door, sickle in hand. franswa screams and runs into the sunlight.)

Dracula: “Hahaha! I found you, Adrian!”

(he goes to chase franswa into the sun but alucard stops him)

Alucard: “No, dad. You can’t go in there.”

Dracula: “Don’t tell me what to do, paper boy! You only sell the news! You don’t make it!”

(he tries to struggle past alucard, but alucard manages to keep him back.)

Alucard: “Franswa, go back in the house!”

Franswa: “What?! No! He’ll kill me!”

Alucard: “Trust me. Go!”

(franswa looks scared. he hesitates, but then does what alucard says and goes back in the house. dracula turns to follow)

Alucard: “That sickle has cooties, you know.”

Dracula: “Cooties?! Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!”

(he drops the sickle and goes running inside)

Sephiroth: “Does that always work?”

Alucard: “No. But even I have to get lucky once in awhile.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, lark and richter are still chatting on the lawn while the other belmonts watch them. richter has been telling his story about defeating dracula and lark’s eyes have totally glazed over)

Richter: “…And that’s basically the short version of how I defeated Dracula.”

Lark: “Huh?”

Richter: “I said that was the short version.”

Lark: “That was the *short* version?”

(But richter’s attention is suddenly elsewhere. his jaw drops and lark turns to see what he is looking at. tifa has emerged from the building, gloves on. she goes over under the shade of a tree and starts to do some warm up moves)

Richter: *breathless* “Who is that vision of beauty?”

Lark: “Who that? Oh, that’s Tifa Lockhart.”

Richter: “She’s beautiful…”

(tifa starts to practice some punches and kicks)

Richter: “And she’s a fighter!”

Lark: “Yup! She’s been throughly trained in the martial arts.”

Richter: “I must meet her!”

Lark: “Sure! Uh, you just might want to wait until she’s done with her work out first.”

Richter: “Of course! Who would understand the importance of physical fitness better than a Belmont?”

Lark: “…I kinda knew you’d say that.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, in loser land…I don’t think we’ve had one of these in awhile…anyway, hojo is on some website on his computer, and for once it’s not porn! heidegger, scarlet, nida and seymour are sitting around watching some talk show on tv. kefka is not to be found. kuja then enters unhappily)

Scarlet: “What’s wrong with you?”

Kuja: “Apparently he didn’t want a man. Not even a very pretty man!” *plops on the couch*

Seymour: “If he wanted a pretty man he would have looked me up.”

Kuja: “You mean if he wanted an ugly vein face.”

Seymour: “You’re just jealous!”

Kuja: “Jealous of what? Your overwhelming ugliness?”

Scarlet: “Don’t feel so bad, Kuja. He didn’t want me either.”

Kuja: *snort* “Like *that’s* saying much.”

Scarlet: “ExCUSE me?”

Nida: “All of you shut up! I’m trying to watch this show!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I like the food commercials!”

Kuja: *settling back on the couch* “Anyway, I’m not concerned about it. I can have any man I want. I don’t need a straight one.”

Hojo: “Speaking of good news, I have some good news of my own.”

Scarlet: “What do you mean speaking of good news? Who had good news?”

Nida: “I did! I got chosen to give the new students a tour of Garden!”

Scarlet: “You were the only one that applied. And didn’t they extend the deadline another week trying to get someone else to apply?

Nida: “No! That’s lies all of it!”

Hojo: “Anyway, I have just found a listing for a job teaching math at a local high school. I just sent in my application. I could use some extra cash.”

Kuja: “And I could use some extra diamonds.”

Scarlet: “Wait.A teaching job? At a high school? Isn’t that totally against the judge’s orders?”

Hojo: “No. You’re the one who can’t go near the high school anymore. I have to remain 100 yards from the elementary school.”

Scarlet: “Oh right.” *mutters* “Like those kids would have had money for my services anyway.”

Seymour: “Last time I checked most high schoolers carry a few quarters on them.”

Scarlet: “For your information I raised my prices!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! If raised means lowered!”

Scarlet: “Shut up, Heidegger!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back over at alucard’s, franswa is sitting in the room he’s been staying in and Zell is with him. zell is eating some cookies as usual)

Zell: “So how do you like it here?”

Franswa: *shrugs* “It’s kind of weird. Dracula keeps calling me his son and trying to do things with me that I really don’t want to do. Like before you came over here, he wanted to bake with me, but he kept adding bat wings to the batter when I wasn’t looking! Finally he and Death started arguing about curtains and I got to make a new batch, but he’s really annoying! And Alucard really seems upset with me for some reason.”

Zell: “Why?”

Franswa: “I don’t know… But I don’t like it… He barely looks at me.” *frowns*

Zell: *frowns* “Why do you like Alucard anyway?”

Franswa: “He’s so unbelievably good looking.”

Zell: “So what?”

Franswa: “What do you mean?”

Zell: “There’s more to liking someone than looks!”

Franswa: “I don’t know. There’s just something about him.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, next door in alucard’s room, sephiroth is lounging on alucard’s bed while alucard is over at the stereo.)

Alucard: “I need some good music…”

(there’s a long pause. sephiroth sighs and looks up at the ceiling. then the song ‘go to sleep’ by eminem, dmx and obie trice comes on)

Alucard: “Now go to sleep b*tch! Die, M*****f******, die! Uh, time’s up b*tch, close your eyes! Go to sleep b*tch! Why are you still alive? How many times, I gotta say close your eyes – And go to sleep b*tch! Die, m*****f*****r, die…bye, bye m*****f*****, bye ahh – Go to sleep b*tch! Why are you still alive? Why? Die m*****f*****…haa, haa, haa…”

Sephiroth: “What the hell are you doing?”

Alucard: “What? You don’t like this?”

Sephiroth: “You’ve been alive for six hundred years and have heard every kind of music on the planet, and you pick rap?”

Alucard: “Something about it speaks to me.”

Sephiroth: “Have you spent a lot of time in the hood I don’t know about?”

(then there’s a frantic knock at the door)

Alucard: *heavy sigh* “If this is dad asking for his paper again…”

(he opens the door and franswa runs in followed by dracula)

Dracula: “Where’d that robot go, Adrian?”

Franswa: “That wasn’t a robot! That was my friend Zell!”

Dracula: “They’re making robots more and more lifelike today!”

Sephiroth: “Zell’s here?”

Franswa: “He was! He left after Dracula started trying to look for his buttons!”

Dracula: “I don’t know how they turn these contraptions on nowadays! All I found was a handle!”

Franswa: “That wasn’t a handle!”

Alucard: “Dad, don’t you have something else to do?”

Dracula: “I think I’ll buy one of those robots! Let me just get some money out of the ATM.”

(he pulls a card out of his pocket, goes over to alucard and slides the card into one of his pockets.)

Alucard: *jaw drops* “No. No he’s not doing this.”

Dracula: “…Where do I enter my pin number?”

Alucard: “This is not happening to me.”

Dracula: “Yes, I’d like 20 gazillion dollars.”

Alucard: “This is all just a very, very bad dream.”

Dracula: *taps foot* “What’s taking so long? Is this thing broken?! Maybe I better jiggle the handle.”

(he goes to reach for a very private area. alucard jumps back yelling as sephiroth and franswa both dive forward to grab hold of dracula and stop him. sephiroth grabs a little too hard and ends up pulling dracula’s arm off)

Sephiroth: “Ugh.” *drops it on the ground*

Dracula: *chuckles* “When you get to be my age things don’t hold together like they used to!” *picks up arm and puts it back on* “Now, about that handle…”

Everyone: *diving to stop him* “No!!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back to the ramble room, tifa has finished her work out and is getting ready to go inside.)

Lark: “Come on! I’ll introduce you now!”

Richter: “Uh, are you sure now is a proper time?”

Lark: “Richter, are you nervous?”

Richter: “…Belmonts don’t get nervous!”

Lark: “That’s what I thought. Let’s go.”

(richter still looks nervous but he goes over with lark to where tifa is sipping out of a bottle of water)

Lark: “Hey, Tifa.”

Tifa: “Hey, Lark.” *sees richter* “Hi.”

Richter: *bows* “Greetings.”

Lark: “Tifa, this is Richter Belmont.”

Richter: “A pleasure to meet you.”

Tifa: “Nice to meet you too.”

Lark: *smile* “I’ll leave you two alone.” *she leaves*

Richter: “To be perfectly honest you are the most beautiful woman I have ever laid my eyes upon.”

Tifa: *blushing* “Oh. Thanks.”

(then irvine comes wandering by)

Irvine: “Hey, Tifa. I’m bored. You wanna have sex again?”

Tifa: *embarrassed* “Uh, no.”

Irvine: “What? C’mon! You know you loved it! I’m Irvine!”

Richter: “I’m sorry, sir, but the lady said no. Now please comply with her wishes and leave immediately.” *cracks knuckles*

Irvine: *blinks* “Fine. Where’s Selphie?”

(he wanders off. tifa looks at richter in shock)

Richter: “I apologize, but no lady should be spoken to that way.”

Tifa: *blink blink* “You’re so…different than most of the other men I’ve met.”

Richter: “That’s a good thing, I should hope.”

Tifa: “A very good thing.” *pause* “There’s just something about you, Richter…”

Richter: “Perhaps you’d like to get to know me better.”

Tifa: “I’d like to get to know you…a lot better.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back to dracula’s…alucard and sephiroth are in the kitchen each with a cup of coffee)

Sephiroth: “…I don’t think I can stay over here so much anymore.”

Alucard: “I don’t blame you.”

Sephiroth: “The ramble room is like a library compared to this place.”

Alucard: “Perhaps we should stay over at your place more.”

Sephiroth: “Right now I would much rather have Vincent outside singing sad love songs to me with that accordion than have your father accidentally molesting everyone in the room.”

(then franswa comes running in, dracula behind him. franswa has several cuts and is bleeding)

Franswa: “Help!! Help me!!!” *runs and hides behind alucard*

Dracula: “Fooooooooooooooooood!” *stops* “Stop hiding behind the ATM, Adrian! You said you’d make lunch!”

Franswa: *is holding onto alucard for dear life* “I didn’t know you wanted my blood for lunch!”

Dracula: “Well I am a zombie!”

Alucard: “No you’re not.”

Dracula: “These new talking ATM’s are so damn chatty! Now let me have my lunch!”

Franswa: “That’s it! I’ve had it! I can’t stay here anymore!” *comes out from behind alucard* “I’m not your son! I don’t *want* to be your son! I’m even more scared of this place than I was before! I may not be a Belmont, but I’m going home!”

Dracula: “Belmont!” *he jumps into alucards arms* “Help me, Alucard! They’re trying to steal my shoes again!”

Alucard: “I thought I was an ATM.”

Dracula: “A what?”

Sephiroth: “…I guess things are back to normal. And I use that word extremely, extremely, loosely.”

Franswa: “Alucard, thanks for taking me in. But I guess it’s time I left.”

Alucard: “It’s for the best. Your father probably misses you.”

Franswa: *sigh* “Richter may not be my biological father, but he’s still the only one I have. I know I definitely don’t want Dracula as my father.”

Alucard: “I didn’t think I did either.”

Sephiroth: “I still don’t want my father.”

Dracula: “I don’t remember my father!” *starts crying*

Alucard: “Don’t worry, dad. You’ll forget what a father is in a minute.”

Dracula: *stops crying* “What?”

Franswa: “Anyway, I’m just gonna go get my stuff together.”

(he leaves. alucard puts dracula down)

Dracula: “Alucard, take a letter! Dear Sears, I need curtains! And lots of them!”

(he continues babbling on as he leaves the room)

Sephiroth: “Looks like you got your dad back.”

Alucard: “Yeah.”

Sephiroth: “Don’t act so excited.”

Dracula: *from the other room* “Alucard! How do you spell Dracula?”

Alucard: “…I don’t know what I was complaining about.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, hours later, richter returns home all smiles)

Richter: “Today is a good day to be a Belmont!”

(trevor, simon and juste all hobble out to see him)

Simon: “Did you make it with a woman?”

Richter: “I did!”

Trevor, Simon and Juste: “Hooray!”

Richter: “But I used protection. I don’t think we’re quite ready for that step yet.”

Simon: “Too bad.”

Richter: “What?”

Trevor: “There is no protection that can stop a Belmont! We will have a new Belmont heir in nine months!”

Richter: *sweat drops* “I guess that’s good…”

Juste: “Excellent work, son! I knew you could do it!”

Trevor: “It’s time to consult the charts for a proper name!”

Simon: “No more of this picking a name because you like it nonsense.”

Trevor: “We all see what *that* led to.” *mutters* “Franswa… Why not just give him a *girls* name?”

(those two hobble out, leaving richter with juste)

Juste: “So what’s she like?”

Richter: “She’s amazing! Not only is she beautiful, she’s a warrior! Everything a Belmont would want!”

(speaking of belmonts, the door opens then and franswa enters with all his stuff. he’s surprised to see his dad and grandpa standing right by the door, and they’re surprised to see him.)

Richter: “Franswa?”

Juste: “Franswa?”

Both: “Franswa!”

(they hug him happily. franswa still looks shocked)

Franswa: “Uh, hi.”

Richter: “You came back! I’m so glad to see you, son! I was worried. Where did you go?”

Franswa: “I was staying with some…. …. …. …. ….friends.”

Richter: “Well I’m glad you decided to return!”

Juste: “I told you he would!”

Franswa: “I bet you just missed me making dinner, didn’t you.”

Richter: “Franswa, you’re my son! I missed *you*.”

Franswa: “I’m not really your son.”

Richter: “Yes you are.”

Franswa: “But I heard you guys talking about replacing me.”

Juste: “Replacing you?”

Richter: “How could we replace you?”

Franswa: “With a true Belmont heir.”

Richter: “Franswa, although there will soon be a new Belmont, that doesn’t take anything away from you! You’ll always be my son and a Belmont to boot! I love you, son.”

Franswa: “…I love you too, dad.”

(they hug. awwww.)

Franswa: “I guess you’ll have someone else you can make go fight vampires now.”

Simon’s voice: *from the other room* “The Belmont name should have rubbed off on you by now, Franswa! You’ll fight those vampires yet!”

Trevor’s voice: *from the other room* “Where are my pancakes!?”

Franswa: *sigh* “I guess some things will never change.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… 

(meanwhile, several days later, tifa is in a bathroom staring down in shock at a pregnancy test)

Tifa: “Oh my gosh. I *am* pregnant.”

THE END

 

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