Dracula: “Do you want to see the rusty saws we cut the meat with?”

Originally Published: 9/30/05 . 73 pages

Synopsis
Reno and Irvine are starting a bar, Rufus is starting a restaurant, and Dracula is opening a fast food place! Who will survive in the food service business?

Ramble Milestones
-Uncle Shenanigans opens.

I love this ramble. Despite it’s length I’ve read it numerous times. I love it because besides being funny, it involves a lot of different characters and it’s paced well – meaning it doesn’t drag or have filler. Usually the long ones have a lot of crap that just doesn’t belong. Anyway, Dracula’s obsession with fast food restaurants led me in this direction. Reno and Irvine’s bar was an idea I had been kicking around awhile. And I couldn’t leave Rufus out of the fun! I wish I could tell you why I chose the song Mandy or where that idea even came from, but I just don’t remember. I do know why I made Tseng cut his hair though – I just thought he looked so cute with the ponytail in the Before Crisis art. Besides, it fit in with his new obsession with making money. Now let’s talk Zell and Franswa a second. Obviously, they came out of nowhere. I never intended to put them together. They were another one of those couples that just happened – I love when that happens. I seriously was going to make them kiss in this ramble, but I decided to put it off. I did this a lot with them. I like instant gratification, but from a story point of view, you gotta drag that stuff out! If I talked about everything I liked about this ramble this would be as long as the ramble itself, but I do have to comment on Dracula remarking that one of his shrunken heads smells like failure. I totally forgot about that, but that calls back a moment in an old ramble where Shell told someone they smelled like failure.

(lark is in the ramble room sitting in a chair, while sephiroth is lying on the couch looking up at the ceiling)

Lark: “And you just *stepped over him* and went inside?”

Sephiroth: “What was I supposed to do? Haul his drunken vampire ass off the floor and play babysitter? I’ve taken enough bullets for him already!”

Lark: “That holy water has left your hair extra shiny.”

Sephiroth: “That’s not the point.”

Lark: “So if you’re not happy break up with him, Sephiroth!!”

(vincent pokes his head into the room)

Vincent: “…Did I hear the words ‘break up’ and ‘Sephiroth’?”

Sephiroth: *sits up and snaps* “If you don’t get out of here right now it’s gonna be ‘break up’ and ‘Vincent’s face’!”

(vincent frowns and leaves. Sephiroth scowls and lark frowns)

Lark: “Sephiroth, you have no right to treat Vincent that way!”

Sephiroth: “You don’t know just how annoying he is! He keeps sending me e-mail greeting cards! And they’re all those sappy ones with the bears hugging and hearts and kitties and other nauseating crap like that!”

Lark: “He still loves you!”

Sephiroth: *pouts* “Well that’s too bad.”

Lark: *sigh* “So what are you going to do about Alucard?”

Sephiroth: “I don’t have to explain everything to you!”

(he stomps out. Lark sighs. Two seconds later tseng comes in)

Tseng: “…What’s with Sephiroth now?”

Lark: *shrugs* “Who knows? He’s so…well…I wanna use the word bitchy, but I don’t think that quite works.”

Tseng: “I get the idea.”

Lark: “I think he really genuinely likes Alucard but I don’t think he’s coping too well with all his issues. Because we know Sephiroth doesn’t cope well with his own issues.”

Tseng: “This is why I think Sephiroth needs an older man like Vincent.”

Lark: “Um, Tsengy?”

Tseng: “What?”

Lark: “Alucard’s like 600, remember? The whole…half vampire, half human thing.”

Tseng: *blink blink* “Oh yeah. Right. He’s looks so young I just forgot.”

Lark: “It happens.”

Tseng: “Anyway, I came to warn you.”

Lark: “What’s Rufus planning now?”

Tseng: “It’s actually not about Rufus. It’s–“

(but before he can finish reno and irvine come in excitedly)

Irvine: “I’m rich!”

Tseng: “…*That’s* what I came to warn you about.”

Lark: “How are you rich?”

Reno: “Irvine was left a ton of money!”

Irvine: “My Great Uncle Shenanigans died, and he left me over a million bucks! I was always his favorite.”

Lark: “Great Uncle Shenanigans?”

Irvine: “Yup! That’s what we all called him, ’cause he was such a drunk.”

Lark: “How did he die?”

Irvine: “Liver failure.”

Reno: “So guess what we’re gonna do with all the money!”

Lark: “Open a bar.”

Irvine: *proudly* “We’re gonna open a – hey! Wait a sec! How’d you know that?”

Lark: “Oh please! You two have been trying to get Rufus to loan you the money to open a bar for ages!”

Reno: “Speaking of Rufus, we’re going to have to use his land. We found the perfect spot – do you think Rufus will use his building magic to build it fast?”

Tseng: “He will if the price is right.”

Irvine: “Let’s go talk to him right now!”

Reno: “Yeah! Oh and Lark, you wanna be a bartender at our bar?”

Lark: “Sure!”

Irvine: “Awesome! We’ll catch you later!”

(he and reno leave. Lark turns to tseng)

Lark: “Why’d you come to warn me about that?”

Tseng: “I was just really bored.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, alucard and dracula are in a car driving home from somewhere…)

Dracula: *singing along with the radio* “Oh Mandy! Well you came and you gave without taking! But I sent you away! Oh Mandy! Well you kissed me and stopped me from shaking! And I need you today! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Mandy! Well you came and you gave without taking! But I sent you away! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh-“

Alucard: *shuts radio off*

Dracula: “Alucard! Couldn’t you see daddy was busy?”

Alucard: “Dad, that stuff is giving me a headache.”

Dracula: *points out window* “Ooh, look, Alucard! McDonalds! Can we stop there? Please can we?”

Alucard: *sigh* “Are you going to try and pay with shrunken heads again?”

Dracula: “I have money this time!”

(so they stop and go inside. They get up to the counter. Dracula is all smiles while alucard stands beside him, tapping his foot and looking bored)

Dracula: “Hello there, young human! You’re looking rather full of blood today!” *puts on glasses and strains to read menu* “Hmmm…what do you have that’s dripping with blood?”

Employee: *looks terrified* “…Um, nothing we have is…like…*that*.”

Dracula: “What?! What do you mean nothing you have here is like that? What kind of establishment is this?”

Alucard: *whispering* “Dad, you eat here all the time. Just get your #5 with the diet coke and try not to cause a huge scene.”

Dracula: “No, I’m sorry Alucard but I cannot eat anywhere where they don’t cater to vampires!”

Employee: “What?”

Alucard: *claps a hand over dracula’s mouth* “Uh…he said…lamp…hires. As in, you know, people who….hire…lamps.”

Employee: *looks confused*

Alucard: “Time to go back to the home now!”

(and he quickly drags dracula outside. Only then does he let go of him. Dracula looks annoyed)

Dracula: “Why’d you have to go and do that, Alucard? They were discriminating against me! Take me to a fast food place that has food for vampires!”

Alucard: *loudly whispers* “Dad, could we not argue loudly about being vampires in this parking lot?!”

Dracula: “Alucard! That is an order!”

Alucard: “Dad, there is no such thing as a fast food place that has a vampire menu, okay? We’re not exactly the type of customer these businesses want. That’s why I wish they invented the internet a century ago. Now I don’t have to take a measuring tape into the funeral home to see if that new casket will fit in the living room!”

Dracula: “Well that’s just wrong, Alucard! We used to be human too! Why shouldn’t we able to get good food quickly?” *lights up* “I know! I’ll start my own!”

Alucard: *hand to head* “Why can’t my life be one really bad dream?”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back at the ramble room, reno and irvine find rufus, who is throwing one hundred dollar bills into the trash can)

Irvine: “Hey, Rufus!”

Rufus: “What do you two want?”

Reno: “Why the hell you throwing money away?”

Rufus: *sigh* “They were too wrinkled.” *brushes hands off* “So what’s up?”

Irvine: “We’re opening a bar!”

Rufus: *laughs* “Yeah? With what money?” *then he frowns and brings the trash can closer* “And just so you know, I’m burning this.”

Reno: “Relax! Irvine was left a ton of money in his Great Uncle’s will!”

Rufus: “Oh really? How much is ‘a ton’ to you people? Fifty bucks?”

Irvine: “A million dollars!”

Rufus: *eyes get wide* “Really?” *casually clears throat* “So, Irvine, have I ever discussed with you the advantages of investing in Shinra Inc.?”

Reno: “Nice try, Rufus.”

Rufus: *frown* “Fine. So start your stupid bar. I could go into the food service business! I just choose not too!”

Irvine: “We wanna rent the land from you.”

Reno: “Yeah. You know that strip of land you own, right by the lake? Well we wanna piece of that.”

Rufus: “Really now? Well gentlemen, there should be no problem arranging that! Why don’t we step into my office?” *irvine and reno start to head out of the room* “…This gives me an idea…”

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(some time later…tseng, reeve, elena, lark, algus, zidane, rude and shell are sitting around the ramble room. Tseng and reeve are both reading (separate) papers, elena is reading a book about pregnancy, algus is reading ‘rich and pompous weekly’, zidane is eating mike and ike candy, shell is reading ‘in style’, rude is reading the help wanted ads, and lark is working on her laptop. Rufus comes in grinning. If you don’t know this is a bad sign by now, go back and read all the rambles, then read this one)

Rufus: “I’ve really done it this time!”

Tseng: *turns a page in the paper* “Oh crap, here we go.”

Rufus: “I’m starting restaurant row!”

Algus: “I am intrigued, my friend! Please tell us more!”

Rufus: “Well Reno and Irvine want to open a bar on my property. I said sure! My wallet’s always open! And if any bills get wrinkled, they just go in the trash anyway.”

Algus: “Of course.”

Zidane: “Wait, *what*?”

Rufus: “And then I get a call from Dracula. He wants to open a fast food restaurant on my property too! So I thought, why let them have all the fun? I sell tons of Rufus brand food! Why not open a family restaurant? I’m going to call it ‘Unkey Rufus’ Comfy Country Kitchen’!”

Algus: “Splendid ideas as always, Rufus! You’ll be able to afford this flying gold tree house I just saw in the magazine!” *points to picture*

Zidane: *blink blink* “Wait a minute. Who is throwing money in the garbage?”

Rude: “I would also like to know.”

Shell: “Ew, Rude! You are not touching money that’s been in the garbage.”

Rude: *sigh* “Yes, Shell.”

Rufus: “So who wants a job? I see you looking through the help wanted section, Rude.”

Rude: *mutters* “Considering I already work for you, that should be a hint.”

Rufus: “What?”

Rude: “Yeah. I could use another job.”

Rufus: “Considering you’ll owe me money till after you’re dead I think so!” *chuckles*

Rude: *scowls*

(zell pokes his head into the room)

Zell: “I heard the word job!”

Rufus: “Zell! Perfect. You’ll make a…manager.”

Zell: “Okay, but will I have to work with Mr. Jingles again? He and I don’t seem to get along too well in a business environment.”

Rufus: “No. He needs way more business classes before I put him in charge of anything again.”

Reeve: “Uh, Rufus—“

Tseng: *still reading paper* “Reeve – don’t waste your breath.”

Rufus: “Reeve! What are you still doing here? Go design my restaurant!”

Reeve: “But you didn’t even ask me to!”

Rufus: “I shouldn’t have to! Who else is going to design it?

Reeve: “I don’t know, Mr. Jingles?”

Rufus: “Don’t be ridiculous! He just started architect classes!”

(reeve sighs and leaves. tseng watches him go with a sigh)

Rufus: “So who else? Zidane?”

Zidane: “No way. Not if I have to wear one of those collars again.”

Rufus: “I’m not allowed to use those anymore.”

Algus: “Aw, that’s a shame.”

Rufus: “I know. But my lawyers seem to think it’s inhumane, or something. Whatever that means.”

Zidane: “All right, I guess so. I’ll get paid real money, right? Not Monopoly money?” *glares at algus*

Algus: *chuckles* “You went all the way to the store before you figured it out.”

Rufus: “Elena, Tseng? What about you?”

Elena: “Rufus! I’m seven months pregnant!”

Rufus: “So? You still got arms right? You can be a hostess. All you have to do is seat people.”

Elena: “Well, I have been kind of bored lately…”

Rufus: “And Tseng, you can be a waiter.”

Tseng: “I don’t really have a choice, do I.”

Rufus: “Now you’re learning! How about you, Lark? Don’t you wanna join Team Rufus?”

Tseng: *makes gagging noise*

Lark: “Sorry, Rufus, but I already told Reno and Irvine that I was going to work at their bar.”

Rufus: “What?” *pouts* “Fine. But no crying to me when you have drunks puking all over you.”

Zidane: “You would know all about that.”

Rufus: “Shut up, Zidane!”

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(later, rufus gathers his ‘staff’, which consists of zell, tseng, elena, rude, and zidane.)

Rufus: “Where is Reeve?! I should have had those plans 3 hours ago!”

Tseng: “You only asked him for them one hour ago!”

Rufus: “He’s supposed to be a genius! Do I have to spell everything out for him?”

(reeve then comes running in with a piece of paper out of breath)

Reeve: “Here you go, Rufus! Sorry. But Reno and Irvine and Dracula asked me to design their places too.”

Rufus: “What?! And you did it!?”

Reeve: “Uh…yeah. Of course.”

Rufus: “Reeve! You’re supposed to be my personal architect!”

Reeve: “No I’m not.”

Rufus: *scowls and looks over plans* “I guess this is good. Have a seat.”

Reeve: “…There are no chairs…”

Rufus: “So! I had Shell design some uniforms for you guys. You’ll get them tomorrow. Zidane, do you think you could manage to tuck in the tail? It’s a bit unsanitary.”

Zidane: “Yeah, I guess so.”

Rufus: “Speaking of unsanitary, Tseng, I think you should cut your hair.”

Elena: “What?”

Reeve: “WHAT?”

Tseng: “WHAT?! Rufus, are you kidding me?”

Rufus: “I don’t want any hair getting in the food! I really think this would be a much better look for you.”

(and he pulls out of a pic from final fantasy before crisis where tseng has his hair back in that little ponytail)

Tseng: *thoughtfully* “Hmmm… I do look pretty good there…”

Reeve: “Tseng! Are you crazy!? You’re going to let Rufus talk you into cutting your hair?! You’re almost as vain about it as Sephiroth!”

Tseng: “Okay, Rufus. I’ll do it.”

Reeve: *relieved sigh* “That’s better.” *it sinks in* “Wait, *what*?!”

Tseng: “I think it’s time for a change, Reeve. I mean, it does get in my face.”

Rufus: “Oh, and lose the wedding ring. You’ll get more tips.”

Tseng: *shrug* “Okay.”

Reeve: “Tseng! You told me you’d never take it off again!”

Tseng: “I take it off in the shower.”

Reeve: “But that’s the shower!”

Tseng: “So…think of it as a long shower.”

Reeve: *looks upset*

Tseng: “Reeve, don’t you want me to get as much money as possible?”

Reeve: *sigh* “I guess so…”

Rufus: “Excellent! Oh, and Zell, if anyone asks you about that thing on your face, you got that scar in the war.”

Zell: “What war?”

Rufus: “I don’t know. The….uh… chocobo war.”

Zell: “Why would the chocobos start a war? They’re so friendly!”

Rufus: “Then make something up! This is a family restaurant! I don’t want any controversy to be brought up from any of the employees! So no people with tails, no faces with tattoos, no unmarried pregnant women, and no gays!” *hands elena a ring*

Elena: “What is this?”

Rufus: “Your pretend wedding ring. Your husband is currently serving overseas and protecting the integrity of Shinra Inc.”

Elena: “What’s his name supposed to be?”

Rufus: “Do I have to make up everything for you people? You should all be more like Rude. Look at him! He doesn’t even have any hair that can get in the food!”

Rude: *sigh* “Yeah.”

Rufus: “Now. Are there any questions that are not about your phony identities?”

Zell: “Yeah! Who’s going to cook?”

Rufus: “Oh crap. I forgot about the food part. I didn’t even think of a menu!”

Zell: “Well I know the perfect person!!”

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(at the belmonts. the old men are all watching tv while franswa is in the background hanging the phone up happily)

Franswa: “I got a job!”

Simon: “You have a job! It’s called killing vampires!”

Franswa: “I’m going to be the cook at Rufus Shinra’s new restaurant! I get to design the menu and everything!”

Richter: “Franswa, do you really have time for a job? You should be practicing with the whip! You’ve never even touched it once!”

Franswa: “And I’ll never touch it ever! I have a real job now! And you can’t stop me!” *runs out slamming door behind him*

Juste: “…Maybe he can do the cooking on the side. Like me with my interior design.”

Richter: “You just designed that one room once. It’s not a job.”

Juste: “You watch your mouth, son! I’ll book one yet!”

Trevor: “Shush! I’m trying to hear Judge Judy!”

Richter: *sigh* “Sometimes I wonder how he can be my son…”

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(on to the next day! thanks to the magic of rufus’ semi-legal builders, all the businesses are ready and open for business! they’re all on the same block facing the water. irvine and reno’s bar, which they have named ‘uncle shenanigans’ is on the corner. dracula’s fast food joint, which he has named ‘fantastic drac’s fresh meat bbq’ is in the middle, and rufus’ place, which, if you’ll recall, he has named ‘unkey rufus’ comfy country kitchen’ is on the other corner. first reno and irvine, along with lark and irvine’s brothers san diego, dallas and calorado enter the bar)

Reno: “Wow! It looks awesome!”

(the bar is mostly done up in a country western motif. come on now! would you expect less from irvine? there also is a big pole on one end of the bar. the place is huge, as is the bar. along the back wall of the bar is a big mirror. and of course there’s a juke box and booths and other bar stuff)

Irvine: “Uncle Shenanigans would be proud.”

Kinneas Brothers: *bow heads a moment*

Cal: “Hey, brother! Thanks for givin’ us jobs in your new bar!”

Irvine: “No thanks necessary! Of course I’d want the best bartenders in the west in my bar!”

Dallas: “Yeah! I don’t know why Ma cried and cried when we took bar tendin’ classes!”

San Diego: “She’s always cryin’! Kleenex just started sending us crates of tissues!”

Lark: “Maybe she needs some therapy.”

Cal: “Nah, Ma refuses to leave the house.”

Dallas: “She says every time she goes on a trip she comes back with another mouth to feed!”

Lark: *sweat drops* “Let’s change the subject…”

Reno: “So tonight, since it’s our big opening, we’re having drink specials all night long!”

Irvine: “Like drink until you don’t remember she’s your cousin!”

Kinneas brothers: “Yee haw!”

San Diego: “So, Irvine, what should we wear?”

Irvine: “We’re gonna go out and get some new clothes!”

Lark: “Whoo hoo!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, next door, dracula’s restaurant doesn’t look like a very cheery place to eat. the whole place is black and gray, and there are even fake spiderwebs hanging from the ceiling. alucard stands at the counter in a red and white striped shirt with a paper hat on his head. he doesn’t look too happy when dracula comes in with vincent)

Dracula: “Well, Alucard! What do you think of my interior design?”

Alucard: “I feel like I’m in a dungeon.”

Dracula: “Wonderful! Well, meet your new co-worker. He applied to the ad I put on sleepinacoffin.com. His name is…uh…” *scratches head*

Vincent: “Vincent. My name is Vincent. We’ve met before. I live next door to you. We shared a room once while your castle was destroyed.”

Dracula: “Oh my gosh! Alucard! Our castle was destroyed?!”

Alucard: *sigh* “Dad, I just don’t have the strength anymore.”

Dracula: “I’ll get him a uniform. You two stay here!”

(he goes in the back leaving them alone)

Alucard: “…………”

Vincent: “………….”

Alucard: “You *do* know that this is a restaurant for vampires, right? Pretty much everything on the menu is so fresh it’s dripping blood everywhere or *is* blood.”

Vincent: “I know.”

Alucard: “…You don’t *drink* blood, do you?”

Vincent: “No. But I really need to get out of the house after everything that’s been happening…”

Alucard: “………….”

Vincent: “……………..”

Alucard: *mutters to himself* “…This is going to be awkward…”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(now we’re next door at rufus’ place. inside it is very cozy, shiny and clean. the boys uniforms consist of red shirts and tight black pants, and tseng has his hair done the way rufus wanted him to do it. elena is wearing a nice black dress. zell has on a tag that says ‘manager’. franswa is dressed like a cook, of course)

Zell: “Okay, gang! Rufus says he’ll be by with some friends to eat here later! So we better give it one million and a half percent!”

Zidane: “I thought this was a family restaurant! Why are my pants so tight?”

Zell: “Uh, well, I think Rufus said something about how after some research or something he figured out we’ll have a lot of single moms come in. And he wanted them to come back.”

Tseng: “So he wants them to come back based on what our butts look like?”

Zell: “Does anybody have any questions?”

Franswa: “I do. …Am I the only cook here?”

Zell: “Uh, I guess. Is that a problem?”

Franswa: “No. I’m constantly cooking for big groups. No one in my family ever seems to die.” *thoughtfully* “That makes us kind of like those vampires, doesn’t it.”

Zell: “Are there cookies on the menu?”

Franswa: “Uh, yeah. On the dessert menu.”

Zell: “Can you make some?”

Franswa: “I already did.”

Zell: *eyes light up* “Can I have some?”

Franswa: “Sure! Come with me!”

(they go off into the kitchen)

Elena: “Geez. He has more cravings than me!”

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(back at the bemonts…they’re all still watching mindless tv)

Richter: *calls* “Franswa.”

(no answer. duh. franswa is not home. he is already at the job he told them about.)

Richter: *calls again* “Franswa?!”

(still nothing. he’s not home.)

Richter: “FRANSWA!”

(since he still gets no answer, richter sighs in annoyance and gets up to check around the house in franswa’s usual places, and, when he can’t find him there, he checks the rest of the house. he’s gone a good five minutes because the house is pretty big. the other belmonts just continue watching the price is right. richter returns looking confused)

Richter: “Where’s Franswa? I can’t find him anywhere!”

Trevor: “Franswa! Bring me hot chocolate!”

(nothing. he’s not freaking there!)

Richter: “I just told you he’s not here!”

Simon: “Well where could he go? The boy’s a wiener.”

Trevor: “Is the whip gone? Maybe he went to fight Dracula!”

Richter: “No…I checked. It’s still there. But his favorite frying pan is missing.”

Trevor: “He’s gone then! He’s gone to fight Dracula!”

Richter: “Uh…really?”

Simon: “He should’ve taken the whip!”

Juste: “Franswa and his frying pan of justice will be remembered by the Belmont’s always!”

Richter: *rubbing the back of his neck* “Um… Are we still talking about my son here?”

Trevor: “Now, now, Richter! Why the long face? This is finally your moment to be proud of your son after so many moments of complete and utter embarrassment!”

Richter: “…Yes.” *confidently now* “Yes! I knew he could do it! Franswa will be a Belmont hero at last!!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(okay, so it’s a bit later at rufus’ restaurant. rufus comes in with algus, edgar, setzer and reeve. he smiles at elena)

Elena: “Hello President Rufus, sir! Table for five?”

Rufus: “Of course, Elena! How’s business?”

Elena: “Great! This way!”

(rufus frowns a little but he and he rest of the gang follow elena to a table in the corner. she puts the menus on the table)

Elena: “Enjoy your meal!”

(she leaves. they all sit down and pick up the menus)

Algus: “The place looks splendid, Rufus! And the establishment smells of fresh baked cookies!”

Edgar: “And what a diverse and delicious sounding menu!”

Setzer: “And the prices are fair.”

Reeve: “I think you really had a good idea for once, Rufus!”

Rufus: *major sweat drops* “Really? You think so?”

Reeve: “Yeah. I really think you’ll do great business.”

Rufus: “Well you just got here! Don’t judge everything so quick!”

Reeve: *looks confused* “Uh…okay.”

(they start to look over the menus when rude passes by, absently counting some tip money. rufus notices this and puts an arm out to stop him)

Rufus: “Uh, Rude. What’s that?”

Rude: “Huh?”

Rufus: “The money.”

Rude: “…Tips.”

Rufus: *puts hand out* “Who do you owe more than you could possibly earn?”

Rude: *frowns* “You.” *he unhappily slams the money into rufus’ hand*

Rufus: “That’s right. You owe me so much money I’d be able to take your hair if you had any.” *chuckles*

(rude scowls and goes off. tseng comes up and he looks ever so sexy in his uniform. setzer, edgar and reeve all stare.)

Tseng: “Can I get you gentlemen anything to drink?”

Algus: “Yes. I will have a sparkling water with just a hint of lemon. Have Zidane do it. He knows just how I like it.”

Edgar: “And I will have a raspberry iced tea.”

Setzer: “I’ll have the same.”

Reeve: “Pepsi for me.”

Rufus: “Pellegrino in a glass with a lot of ice.”

Tseng: “Okay. I’ll be right back with your drinks.”

Rufus: “Hey, Tseng – wait a second.”

Tseng: “What?”

Rufus: *whispers* “How’s business?”

Tseng: *grins* “It’s great.” *he pulls a wad of money out of his pocket* “Great.”

(rufus’ jaw drops and tseng walks away.)

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, next door at the fresh meat bbq, it’s as dead inside as dracula. alucard and vincent are just standing there not looking at one another and not talking. there’s a long period of silence)

Vincent: “Where’d your father go?”

Alucard: “Who knows or cares.”

(then the door opens and dracula comes in with twilight)

Dracula: “Good news everyone! I found another employee! He’ll be in charge of keeping the place clean!”

Twilight: “Opal said a job would teach me responsibility. I said I’ve been responsibly hiding the bodies for years!” *laughs*

Alucard: “Did he answer the ad on sleepinacoffin.com too?”

Dracula: “Nope! I also put one on ilovepuppies.com!”

Alucard and Vincent: *give twilight a weird look*

Twilight: “Hey, Opal found it, okay!”

Dracula: “Don’t worry! I love to eat puppies too! Let’s go in the back and get your uniform!”

(twilight follows dracula into the back)

Vincent: “…Did he just say he likes to eat puppies?”

Alucard: *sigh* “I’ve been trying to get him away from domestic animals but old habits die hard.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(back next door at rufus’, rufus and his group have gotten their food. zidane passes by the table)

Zidane: *in passing* “Hey, how’s it going?”

Algus: “Slave! Wait!”

Zidane: *stops but looks annoyed* “Algus! I am working! Can you not talk to me that way in public?”

Algus: “Just because we’re in public doesn’t make you any less my slave.” *picks up empty cup* “Now I require more beverage!”

Zidane: *blink blink* “I’m not your server! Let Tseng get it for you!”

(zell seems to come out of nowhere, chewing on something)

Zell: “Hey, Rufus! What’s up?”

Algus: “Are you the manager?”

Zell: “Thanks to Rufus!”

Algus: “Yes, well this disobedient peasant refuses to refill my beverage!”

Zidane: “I’m not their freakin’ waiter!”

Zell: “C’mon, Z. It’ll just take a second.”

(zidane scowls but he grabs algus’ glass and goes off)

Zell: “So how do you like the place?”

Edgar: “This food is absolutely stupendous! Who is the cook?”

Zell: “Franswa Belmont! I told Rufus to hire him!”

Rufus: “Yeah, so uh, everyone seems to be happy so far?”

Zell: “I’ve heard nothing but raves!”

Rufus: *frowns*

(zidane returns with algus’ glass and unhappily drops it in front of him)

Zidane: “There.” *leaves*

Algus: *frowns* “I’m a bit unhappy with some of the service. But I can take care of that myself. We’ll see who gets his Skittles this week.”

Zell: “Well I gotta go! More people to greet! See ya!”

Setzer: “Let’s have a toast.”

Algus: “Ah, yes. A toast. To Rufus’ success!”

(they all raise their glasses. rufus’ raises his last, frowning)

Edgar: “Here here!”

Rufus: “Yeah. Here here.” *frowns*

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile across the restaurant, tseng goes up to his new table only to find it’s full of the gundam wing gang: heero, duo, quatre, trowa, wufei, zechs and treize)

Tseng: *blink blink* “Oh. Hey guys. How are you guys doing?”

Quatre: “We’re great! Just great! This restaurant is beautiful! The food looks beautiful, the atmosphere is beautiful, the plates are—“

Wufei: “Wufei is losing his appetite!!”

Treize: “Tseng, what a pleasant surprise! I didn’t know you were working here!”

Zechs: “Nice uniform.” *wink*

Treize: *sharply* “Zechs…”

Zechs: *busies himself in the menu*

Trowa: “Do you serve any poison here?”

Quatre: “Stop it, Trowa!”

Treize: “So how do you like it?”

Tseng: “Honestly, I love it. There are a ton of single women coming in, and they’re all hitting on me, which is kind of flattering even though I’m not interested, but the best part is they’re all leaving me huge tips!”

Zechs: “Hmmm… Maybe I could get a job here.”

Treize: “Zechs. I still have the counselor’s number.”

Zechs: *goes back to the menu*

Treize: “Well that is simply excellent. To have a job you like is important…especially in war. Because if you don’t have a job you like in war, there is a good chance—“

Duo: “I think we’re ready to order drinks!”

Heero: “I know I’m ready to kill Treize.”

Trowa: “I’m ready to kill myself.”

Quatre: “Stop it, Trowa!”

Duo: “I’ll have an orange soda.”

Wufei: “I want a Coke!”

Heero: *glares at wufei* “Hmph.”

Duo: “Wufei, stop ordering out of order! And they don’t even serve Coke here!”

Wufei: “Wufei will get what he wants!”

Tseng: *sighs and mutters to himself* “Why should the customers I know be the most aggravating?”

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… 

(meanwhile, back next door at the bbq…alucard and vincent are still sitting around in silence. there have been no customers. twilight stands off to the side, looking at his uniform in disgust)

Twilight: “If I wasn’t getting paid five dollars an hour, there’s no way I would wear this ugly crap!”

Alucard and Vincent: *give each other a look*

Twilight: “What?! Five dollars is a lot!”

(all of the sudden a sound system comes on. and what song is playing? ‘mandy’ by barry manilow)

Twilight: *looking around* “What the hell?!”

Alucard: *runs a hand over his face* “Hell is right.”

(then dracula comes through the front door whistling the song)

Dracula: “What do you think, Alucard? I set-up the phonograph!”

Alucard: “…Yeah. So I noticed.”

(Dracula strolls up to the counter and starts looking at the menu)

Dracula: “I’ll be your first customer! I want a number #5 with extra blood and an extra thick blood shake with no white blood cells.” *loudly whispers* “They give me gas.”

(alucard sighs and goes in the back to make everything. dracula turns to vincent)

Dracula: “You just start working here?”

Vincent: “…Yes.”

Dracula: “Did Alucard hire you?”

Vincent: “No…you did.”

Dracula: “I did?” *chuckles* “You don’t look the least bit familiar!”

Vincent: *frowns*

(alucard comes back with dracula’s food. it’s a really gross slab of meat coated in blood and a shake in a cup with a happy bat on it.)

Alucard: “Here you are, dad.”

Dracula: *licks lips* “Delicious!”

(he happily takes his tray and sits down with it. meanwhile the song ends on the sound system)

Alucard: *sigh of relief*

(…and the song starts right up again!)

Dracula: “Isn’t it great, Alucard! I figured it out so it can play non-stop!”

(alucard sinks down with his head in his hands)

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… 

(meanwhile at uncle shenannigans, the whole bartending staff is in leather pants, except for reno, who went with jeans. he’s wearing a white button down shirt with it. lark is wearing a corset top. san diego is wearing a white t-shirt, irvine is wearing a green t-shirt, dallas’ is red and cal’s is black. and everyone is wearing a cowboy hat.)

Irvine: “Ya’ll ready to open for business?”

Everyone else: “You bet!”

(and so the doors open for business. and lot of people from the ramble room are waiting outside. who are the first to enter? why barret and cid, of course!)

Barret: “Yo! Dis be pretty damn nice!”

Cid: “@#Q@#$@#&@&$@%^@%@#$^@&@&*%@%!”

Reno: “Thanks, Cid!”

Irvine: “For the first hour drinks are on the house!”

Barret: “Yo! Dis be my kinda place!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(back to rufus’ place. all the customers are gone. rufus is getting ready leave himself. zell is seeing them to the door.)

Rufus: “So, how much money do you think you made?”

Zell: “Well it’s about 11,000 so far!”

Rufus: *jaw drops*

Algus: “That’s quite excellent, Rufus!”

Rufus: *in shock* “Yeah…”

(he goes out in a daze with his group. zell goes to the back where tseng and zidane are counting their tips. reeve is there as well. rude is pouting)

Elena: “Where are your tips, Rude?”

Rude: “Rufus took them all. He said I owe him so much money if my clothes were worth anything he’d take them right back.”

Tseng: “Look at all the money I got.” *he puts a stack of money down* “And these are all the numbers I got.” *puts a stack down*

Reeve: “Tseng!”

Tseng: “Don’t worry, Reeve. I’m not even remotely interested! They were women!” *turns around and mutters* “Well…most of them were.” *smile*

Zidane: “I better hide my tips where Algus won’t find them.”

Tseng: “Then you better put them down your pants.”

Zidane: *sad sigh* “Yeah…”

Elena: “Everyone raved about the food, Franswa!”

Franswa: *happily* “They did?!”

Zell: “Why wouldn’t they! It’s as awesome as you are!”

Franswa: *blushing slightly* “Thanks, Zell.”

Zell: “Don’t mention it! Hey, with your awesome food and our awesome service, this place is gonna be a huge success!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(meanwhile back at dracula’s, they’re closing up for the night. alucard is locking the door while everyone waits outside.)

Dracula: “Well we had a successful first night!”

Alucard: “No we didn’t. You were our only customer. And you didn’t pay.”

Dracula: *chuckles* “Yes, yes, Alucard. I know how much money we made. No need to brag.”

Alucard: “If I were a human you would have killed me long ago. You know that?”

Dracula: “Well! Till tomorrow then, my loyal blood fountain servants. Off into the night!”

(he turns into a bat and flies off. alucard sighs but then also turns into a bat and flies off. twilight and vincent watch. vincent looks bored, but twilight grins)

Twilight: “That is so cool! Uh, I mean, not that I can’t do awesome stuff like turn into a bat. I just don’t feel like.”

Vincent: “…How are we supposed to get home?”

(they look at one another as they stand in the dark and abandoned parking lot)

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(meanwhile, rufus and his friends are in his limo. bernard the monkey is driving. everyone is in the back chattering away when they pass uncle shenanigans…)

Rufus: “Hold on, Bernard! Slow down!”

(the limo slows down and rufus rolls down the window. everyone stops and stares at the bar which is totally packed. the parking lot is full, and people have parked on the street. loud music and partying can be heard from the inside)

Algus: “Look at all those peasants in one place! Nauseating!”

Reeve: “They’re doing great! Good for them!”

Rufus: “Hmmm…” *observes the scene a minute more* “Okay, Bernard. Let’s go!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(and finally, franswa arrives home after a long day of work. as he walks in the house with his favorite frying pan the foyer is dark. he flips on the light and there are all the rest of the belmonts standing there with much anticipation)

Franswa: *shocked* “What the–!?”

Juste: “Smile!”

(a bright flash goes off in franswa’s face.)

Franswa: *temporarily blinded* “What are you doing?!”

Trevor: “Is it done? Are you victorious?”

Franswa: *confused* “Uh… I guess it went well.”

Simon: “You did it?”

Franswa: “Did what?”

Richter: *pats him on the back* “I’m so proud of you, son!”

Franswa: “Really? Thanks, dad!”

(simon is peeking out the window)

Simon: “The castle is still there!”

(trevor quickly hobbles over to take a look as richter and juste’s faces fall)

Trevor: “And there those demon spawn are going inside!”

(one by one they all turn and angrily face franswa who now looks more confused than ever)

Franswa: “What are you talking about?!”

Richter: “Didn’t you go fight Dracula?”

Franswa: “Oh my god no! I went to work! I told you before I got a job!”

Juste: “We thought you went to take on Dracula with your frying pan of justice!”

Franswa: “Frying pan of justice?! What is wrong with all of you!?”

Trevor: “You failure!”

Simon: “We should have known better then to think anything of you!”

Juste: “Now I wasted a perfectly good picture! I was going to hang it on the triumph wall with the others!”

Richter: “You’ve disappointed me, son.”

(franswa is so red in the face it looks like he’s going to explode. they all stand there looking at him disapprovingly)

Franswa: *with extreme anger* “I.HATE.YOU.ALL!”

(and with that he runs upstairs in tears. the other belmonts just look at one another)

Trevor: “…Well, it’s time to turn in. It’s way past our bedtime!”

(trevor and simon start their way off, past richter who is visibly upset. juste gives his son a reassuring pat on the shoulder before following and leaving richter alone)

Richter: “…I’ve got to get to the bottom of this.”

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… 

(the next day back at rufus’ restaurant, zell comes into the kitchen to find franswa is already there angrily chopping vegetables. there are already pans of baked cookies lying everywhere.)

Franswa: “Help yourself.”

(zell takes a cookie and starts chewing on it thoughtfully, looking at franswa who is very visibly upset)

Zell: “Hey, Franswa…something wrong?”

Franswa: “What do you care?”

Zell: “Hey! I care! You look upset! Maybe you don’t like to talk when you’re upset, but I know it helps me. I always talk to Squall, and he always knows just what to say.” *pause* “Well, mostly he says whatever. But it helps to talk to someone!”

Franswa: “You have no idea what it’s like to get constant disapproval because your family wants you to do something you don’t want to do.”

Zell: *thinks a minute* “No… Not really…”

Franswa: “You’re trained in combat. I’m afraid of spiders. You can’t possibly understand where I’m coming from.”

Zell: “Well, spiders are kinda scary.”

Franswa: *cracks a bit of a smile* “You don’t have to bother and try and make me feel better.”

Zell: “I want to. And you know what? I may be a SeeD, but no one wanted me to be a hand to hand combat kinda guy!”

Franswa: *blink blink* “They didn’t?”

Zell: “No! My grandfather was really into guns. So that’s what my family wanted me to take up when I went to Garden! But guns and me just didn’t mix. I just couldn’t concentrate. Something about ADD or somethin’. Anyway, at first they were disappointed. But they saw how talented I was with martial arts, and they think I’m awesome now!”

Franswa: “Well, that’s kind of how it is, but at least your family accepts you now. And at least you haven’t been going unnoticed for your true talent your whole life!”

Zell: “…I noticed.”

(franswa looks up and kind of smiles at him. but before he can say anything zidane and tseng come in, rude at their heels)

Tseng: “If I make half the tips I made last night that’s more than I make in a day at Shinra.”

Zidane: “Stop bragging. Algus made me give him 20% of what I made last night. He said it was a ‘service fee’ because he got me the job by being friends with Rufus.”

Tseng: “But you knew Rufus first.”

Zidane: “Exactly!”

Rude: “Hm. Rufus.” *frowns*

(they all look at zell, who seems to be in a daze. he then snaps out of it, grabs some more cookies, and shoves one in his mouth. he then says something incomprehensible around the cookie in his mouth and leaves the room. franswa goes back to cutting the vegetables)

Zidane: “…What the hell was that about?”

Tseng: “I haven’t the slightest idea.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(back next door at fantastic dracs, there’s everyone standing around in their uniforms again doing nothing. dracula is not around but the song ‘mandy’ is playing again.)

Twilight: “When are we getting paid?”

Alucard: “I don’t even think I’m *getting* paid.”

Twilight: “Then why the hell are you here?”

Alucard: *twitch* “I don’t know…”

(the door opens and suddenly a woman and a small child enter. they both look familiar, but the child is older than last time. there is also a man standing outside.)

Woman: “Look, honey! It’s like Halloween in here!”

Kid: “I want an ice cream cone!”

(both alucard and vincent look kind of nervous. twilight is looking at them curiously, like he’s trying to remember something)

Woman: *steps up to counter* “Let’s see what they have here!”

Kid: “I want ice cream! I-C-E C-R-E-A-M!” *turns and looks at twilight* “Hey, Mr. Stick man!”

Twilight: “I thought you looked familiar! You’re the kid from Sephiroth Land! And my unauthorized tour at Williamsburg!”

Kid: “Spell it!” *laughs*

Twilight: *shakes fist* “You watch your mouth! I’ve been using hooked on phonics and it’s kind of sort of sometimes loosely working for me!”

Mother: *chuckles* “You’re so funny.”

Kid: “Say the alphabet backwards then!”

Twilight: “I could do it if I felt like it!”

Kid: “I don’t believe you! Guess my age!”

Twilight: “How about I guess how many times I can cut you with my lightsaber before your body hits the ground!?”

Mother: *chuckles* “You’re still quite the kidder!”

Twilight: “Look, just get your damn ice cream and get out of my sight!”

Mother: *turning to alucard* “Yes. We’d like some ice cream quickly, please. I’m very busy, and I have other establishments to do.”

(everyone looks outside where the guy waiting is wearing some kind of work uniform with a name tag that says ‘establishments’ on it)

Kid: “Is *this* one my daddy, mommy?”

Mother: “Mommy’s gonna try extra hard this time, sweetie!” *crosses fingers*

Everyone: *is uncomfortable*

Alucard: “We…don’t have ice cream.”

Mother: “You don’t? I thought this was an ice cream place!”

Alucard: “It’s not.”

Mother: “Well. You better do something about the signs out front then! They’re very deceiving!” *sniffs air* “And it smells like a hospital in here!”

(she takes the kid’s hand and starts to walk out)

Kid: “Bye Mr. Stick Man!”

Twilight: “Next time we meet I’ll know my numbers backwards too!”

(the mother stops next to twilight for a second)

Mother: *quietly* “You know, if things don’t work out with Establishments…”

Twilight: “Don’t come back ever!”

Mother: “How rude!”

(they stomp out)

Vincent: “…There go our only customers.”

Alucard: “Twilight, you know those people…?”

Twilight: “Unfortunately. That’s my arch spelling nemesis. He thinks he’s so awesome because he’s like eight and knows all his numbers and letters!”

Alucard: *mutters to self* “…I’m not going to comment.”

Vincent: *nods in approval* “I wouldn’t.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, next door at rufus’, tseng comes to the back of the restaurant where zidane is printing out receipts. he’s rubbing his butt)

Zidane: “What happened to you?”

Tseng: “The customers. They keep slapping me on the ass. I mean, I don’t really mind, they leave great tips, but it starts to hurt after awhile!”

Zidane: “I keep getting kids coughing in my face, but I haven’t been getting good tips for it!”

Tseng: “Well, have you had anyone asking if you come with the meal?”

Zidane: “No!”

Tseng: *smile smile*

Zidane: “You are loving every second of this, aren’t you.”

Tseng: “This is the best job I’ve ever had! I don’t have to kill anyone, and even though Rufus owns it, he’s nowhere in sight! Plus there’s always something to do!”

Zidane: “I like any job where I get paid in money.”

(rude comes over, pouting)

Tseng: “What’s wrong, Rude?”

Rude: “Somebody left me a button.”

Tseng: “What?”

Rude: “Somebody left me a button. As a tip.”

Zidane and Tseng: “……………………”

Zidane: “Dude…”

Rude: “…What’s really sad is I bet Rufus takes it.”

Tseng: “Takes the *button*?”

Rude: “Yeah. Would you put it past him?”

Tseng: *thinks a minute* “Is it a *nice* button?”

Rude: “No.”

Zidane: “No?”

Rude: “I picked it up and it broke in half.”

Tseng: “…Yeah, he’s going to take it.”

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(meanwhile, back to the deserted fast food joint…everyone looks bored. vincent and alucard are leaning on the counter and twilight is slumped in a chair. no one is talking and the song mandy is playing still. alucard’s face twitches from time to time. at long last the door opens and in comes dracula with uncle herb.)

Dracula: “And this is the restaurant I had built! You can get raw meat with or without entrails!”

Uncle Herb: “Mmmm! Sounds scrumptious, Dracula! And look! There’s Alucard! How are you?”

Alucard: *involuntary twitch*

Uncle Herb: “And you have humans working here? What a fun gimmick! And I even brought some pamphlets!”

(he takes out some pro-becoming a vampire pamphlets and hands them to vincent and twilight)

Twilight: *blink blink* “What is this, reading? I can’t read!”

Uncle Herb: “Not a problem!”

(he takes out another pamphlet and hands it to twilight. it’s in braille)

Twilight: *staring at it* “What the hell is this?! I didn’t say I was blind! I said I can’t read!”

Uncle Herb: “Oh! My mistake!”

(he puts that one away and takes one out that’s in a cartoon form with no words)

Twilight: *flips through it with a smile* “Now this is a language I can understand!”

Vincent: *holding the pamphlet* “…This will only lead to further jokes.”

Uncle Herb: *looking at menu* “Everything looks great! I don’t know what to get! What do other people order?”

Alucard: “What other people? Besides Dad you’re our only customer.”

Uncle Herb: *shocked* “What? I don’t believe it!”

Dracula: *chuckles* “Oh, Alucard. Stop pulling Uncle Herb’s leg!”

Uncle Herb: “At least he’s not pulling your leg, Dracula – he might pull it right off!”

(they both laugh while no one else even looks remotely amused.)

Uncle Herb: “Anyway, I’ll have a #1, heavy on the blood.”

Alucard: “What do you want to drink?”

Uncle Herb: “I’ll have some blood soda.”

Alucard: “You want white blood cells with that?”

Uncle Herb: “Of course! The more the merrier I always say!” *winks at vincent*

Vincent: *sigh*

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back at rufus’, rufus himself has shown up and is sitting at a booth near the back sipping on a milkshake. rude comes back there looking harried, spaghetti hanging off his head and shoulders)

Rufus: *laughs* “What exploded on you?”

Rude: “Some kids were throwing food at me.”

Rufus: *laughs* “Haha! That’s *hysterical*!”

(rude scowls, and goes to leave…)

Rufus: “Rude! Come back here!”

(with a heavy sigh, rude trudges over to rufus)

Rude: “…What?”

(rufus sips on his milkshake and puts his hand out, making the ‘money’ motion.)

Rude: “…No.”

Rufus: *blink blink* “Excuse me?”

Rude: “I said no.”

Rufus: “No?! You can’t say no! You owe me so much money if you sold all your internal organs you’d still owe me! Now hand it over!”

(looking very angry, rude reaches into his pockets and puts handfuls of money on the counter…)

Rufus: “Where’s the rest?”

(rude is fuming now. with shaking hands he takes the broken button out of his pocket)

Rude: “You want the rest? Here’s the rest!” *he chucks the button at rufus* “I quit!”

Rufus: *flustered* “Quit!? You can’t quit! You’re fired!”

Rude: “Fine!”

(rude starts to stalk away and rufus finally realizes what rude threw at him)

Rufus: “And I’m keeping this button!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… 

(meanwhile, back next door at the worst fast food restaurant ever, the song ‘mandy’ is still playing on the intercom. twilight is sitting down, happily looking at his vampire pamphlet for the 900th time. vincent and alucard are standing there still not talking and still looking bored. dracula and uncle herb are eating their meals and talking)

Dracula: “You know what I’m sick of? Cats. Those damn witches and their cats. All I wanted was some lizard tongue for my banana bread, and these cats wouldn’t stop hissing at me!”

Alucard: *sigh* “Not a rant about the cats again.”

Uncle Herb: “Mm… Lizard tongue banana bread. That is some good stuff.” *turns to alucard* “Oh, Alucard – how’s your friend I gave the pamphlet to at the picnic? I haven’t heard from him.”

Alucard: “Yeah… I don’t think he was interested.”

Uncle Herb: “What a shame.” *to vincent* “What about you? Have you had a chance to read the literature over? I know it may seem daunting at first, but it’s a very simple process! You’ll be dead before you even know it! Plus there are other benefits! I bet you have no idea just how comfortable a coffin can be!”

Vincent: “Goes to show you know nothing about me.”

Uncle Herb: “I can understand if you’re a bit hesitant about it. Most humans don’t like the idea of not being able to frolic in the sunlight anymore. But I can’t tell you how much sunlight is overrated! You’ll never miss it! Besides, all sunlight leads to is skin cancer and burns and melting stuff anyway. So it’s really a bad thing. And you should avoid it anyway. Right, Alucard?”

Alucard: “…….. …… ….. ….I’m going to the bathroom.”

(he goes in the back. uncle herb turns to look at dracula)

Uncle Herb: “Well you can tell them about the wonders of being a vampire, Dracula! You’ve been one longer than all of us!”

Dracula: “Cats! Cats! All of them with their cats!”

(uncle herb looks uncomfortable for a minute. he then smiles, gets up and hands a business card to both twilight and vincent)

Uncle Herb: “That’s my business card. If you change your mind, give me a call. I’m up all night!”

(then with a cackle and a puff of smoke he disappears.)

Vincent: *reading card* “…He runs a blood bank?”

Twilight: *looking at card* “Hey! This isn’t a cartoon!”  

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back at rufus’, the place is closed and rufus is getting ready to leave. the rest of the restaurant staff is there…except rude, of course)

Rufus: “I guess you guys are doing okay.”

Zell: *holding comment cards* “Check out these comment cards! Everyone thinks we’re awesome!”

(rufus frowns and grabs one of the comment cards. he quickly scans it over)

Rufus: “What’s all this stuff about Tseng’s ass?”

Zell: *flipping through the others clumsily* “A lot of them are like that…”

Rufus: “Whatever. I’ll see you all tomorrow. Oh, by the way, Rude’s been fired.”

Everyone: *no reaction*

Rufus: *blink blink* “No, he’s really been fired. He’s gone.”

Everyone: *taken aback* “What?!”

Tseng: “Why?”

Rufus: “He was withholding the tip money that he earned from me! I can’t have that! Let him beg on the street for change. And he better give me that too!”

Zell: “Well now we’re short a waiter!”

Rufus: “Don’t worry, I’ve already hired two people to take his place.”

Tseng: “Mr. Jingles better not be one of them.”

Rufus: “Oh please! What do you take me for? Mr. Jingles is way above a common waiter!” *straightens coat* “I’ll see you all tomorrow.”

(rufus leaves and gets into his limo which takes off down the street. rufus looks out the window and sees irvine and reno’s bar coming up.)

Rufus: “Slow down!”

(the limo slows down. rufus opens the sunroof and stands up in it to get a better view. the bar is even more packed, and the doors are open. the party has spilled to the outside. there are signs everywhere that say ‘ladies night!’ and the song ‘ladies night’ is playing loudly. rufus can see irvine, reno, lark, all of irvine’s brothers and even rude partying and serving drinks inside)

Rufus: *frowns* “ARGH!” *bangs on the roof* “Let’s go, Bernard!”

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(the next day at rufus’…zell comes in the kitchen to find franswa pulling a fresh tray of cookies out of the oven)

Zell: “I’m just in time! Awesome!” *smells air* “It’s chocolate chip today!”

Franswa: “Yeah – just wait till they cool off.”

Zell: *was already reaching for some* “…Oh.” *puts arm down* “Okay. So what’s up?”

Franswa: “Nothing. I didn’t talk to anyone in my family yesterday.”

Zell: “Are they still upset with you?”

Franswa: *shrugs* “I just went straight to my room and slammed the door.”

Zell: “That sucks. Doesn’t anyone try to talk to you? Not even your mom?”

(franswa looks up at him sharply and zell recoils back)

Zell: “Uh, oops. Sorry. Is your mom dead or something? Er–I’m sorry if she is or something.”

Franswa: “It’s okay. She died when I was seven.” *frowns*

Zell: “Oh. Uh…I’m sorry.”

(awkward silence)

Zell: “Uh…can I have a cookie now?”

Franswa: “Yeah, sure. Knock yourself out.”

(zell reaches out and takes a few cookies. he watches franswa turn away and busy himself with something in the sink. cookies in hand, zell goes over and puts a hand on franswa’s shoulder)

Zell: “Hey. Don’t forget you’ve always got friends here! Especially me! I’m your pal!”

Franswa: *smiles* “Thanks, Zell. I don’t think I will…”

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(meanwhile, next door at dracula’s fast food joint from hell, vincent and alucard are at the counter looking bored again. twilight is sitting around. if you guessed ‘mandy’ is still playing…you’re right)

Vincent: “…I’m growing quite sick of this song.”

Alucard: “He’s even got it playing at home.”

Twilight: “What? No way!”

Alucard: “Oh yes. It’s the soundtrack of my nightmares.”

(then the door opens and in bounces opal)

Opal: “Surprise! Hi, Twily!”

Twilight: “Opal! What are you doing here?”

Opal: “I came to visit you! Is that okay?”

Twilight: “Considering we have no customers it shouldn’t be a problem.”

Opal: “You have no customers?”

Twilight: “Well, Dracula orders stuff, but it’s his restaurant so it doesn’t really count, and this other vampire came in yesterday, but he’s been pretty much it.”

Opal: “But aren’t there a lot of vampires in the world?”

Twilight: “According to that vampire that came in yesterday there are.”

Opal: “Then where are they?”

Alucard: “Asleep. It *is* daytime.”

(just as he says that dracula runs in from the outside with a heavy cloak on)

Dracula: “Alucard! You have to help me! There’s a strange person following me! I think they’re trying to kill me!”

(death comes in)

Death: “My lord, you dropped your rib…”

Dracula: *shielding face* “No! Spare me your voodoo powers!”

(death puts the rib on the counter in front of alucard)

Death: “Why is this song playing in here too?”

Alucard: “We’re all doomed to suffer.”

Death: *leaving* “I’ll see you later, my lord.”

Dracula: “If it’s a race around the world you want, then you’ve got it!”

(death sighs and leaves)

Dracula: “…I guess he forfeits! I win!” *laughs* “This calls for a celebration!” *goes up to counter* “Alucard! I will have a #2 with a blood shake and no white blood cells. I’m celebrating my victory in the race around the world!”

Alucard: “….Sometimes I just wanna put a stake through my own heart.”

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… 

(back at rufus’…it seems rufus has hired Brady and bryatt to replace rude. tseng spots them and starts walking over)

Tseng: “Hey, Bry!”

Brady and Bryatt: *turn around* “What?”

Tseng: *sweat drop* “This could get confusing. Anyway, what are you guys doing?”

Bryatt: “Not much…looking around…scoping out the joint. You know, just–“

Tseng: “This is my section.”

Bryatt: “Huh?”

Tseng: “You won’t be working in this section because this is my section.”

Bryatt: *blink blink* “Whoa. Back off, alpha male. We were just looking around!”

Tseng: “I know. I’m sorry. I just really like my section. Have you seen my tips?”

(he and byatt walk off, and zidane walks over to Brady)

Zidane: “Hey, Brady. You ever been a waiter?”

Brady: “Nah. But Rufus said the money was good, so I figured why not.”

Zidane: “You owe Rufus money?”

Brady: “No.”

Zidane: “You should be okay then. The guy before you…well, he had it coming.”

Brady: “You mean Rude?”

Zidane: “Yeah.”

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile at the bar, rude comes out with a karaoke machine. reno and lark are at the bar cleaning glasses)

Rude: “Where should I put this?”

Reno: “Over there on the stage, dude.”

Rude: *puts it down* “Thanks for the job, man.”

Reno: “No problem, man! This is way better than Rufus’ lame restaurant! Tonight is karaoke night!”

Rude: “I feel sorry for whoever took my job.”

Lark: *snort*

Reno: “Lark…what do you know?”

Lark: “Brady took it.”

Reno: “He was drunk, wasn’t he. I saw him here last night. I hope you know the bar is not responsible for whatever crazy acts people do when they’re drunk.”

Rude: “Reno, didn’t you sue some bar after you broke your hand punching a wall?”

Reno: “Quiet, Rude. We have lawyers now.”

Lark: “Don’t worry, Reno. He wasn’t drunk. He’s just been listening to Tseng brag about his tips all week.”

Reno: “No offense, Lark, but Brady’s no Tseng. Hell, I would totally hit that.”

Lark and Rude: *look at reno in confusion*

Reno: *blink blink* “What?” *blink blink* “If I were gay. I would if I was gay. I forgot to add that part, didn’t I.”

Rude: “Yeah.”

Reno: “I’ve gotta stop drinking before the bar even opens.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(back at dracula’s, opal and dracula have both gone. mandy is still playing. everyone still looks bored. then dracula comes strolling in from the back again and comes up to the counter)

Dracula: “Hello there, young man. I would like to order, please. I’d like a #2 with a blood shake – no white blood cells.”

(alucard mumbles unhappily and goes to fill the order. dracula taps on the counter happily and hums along with the song)

Dracula: *to vincent* “This is a nice place! How long has this place been here?”

Vincent: “…Three days.”

Dracula: “That long? Why haven’t I seen it before?”

Vincent: *mutters to self* “…I have to give Alucard credit.”

(alucard comes back and puts it down)

Alucard: “Here.”

Dracula: “Why thank you, young man! Such nice service! What a wonderful establishment! Where is the owner? I wish to compliment him!”

Twilight: *blink blink* “He’s kidding, right?”

Alucard: “No. No he’s not.” *points to dracula* “There he is.”

Dracula: *talking now to empty space* “Oh! I’m sorry! I must not have noticed you there! This is a wonderful restaurant! What ever made you think of it?”

(everyone now watches as dracula then switches to stand in the other space)

Dracula: “Oh! Well I’m glad you like it! I was just continually frustrated with the lack of a vampire menu at other fast food restaurants! So I decided to start my own!”

(he switches back to the other spot)

Dracula: “How clever! You know, I also realized that human restaurants don’t cater to vampires! I’ve been a vampire myself and I was often disappointed about how I had to go home to enjoy a hearty vampire meal!”

(switches back to the other spot…twilight and vincent exchange confused looks. twilight comes over to the counter)

Twilight: *whispers* “He knows he’s doing that, right?”

Alucard: “Would that make it better?”

Dracula: “Well be disappointed no longer, my good friend! Here at Fantastic Drac’s Fresh Meat BBQ, we cater to the modern vampire on the go, such as yourself. You can always have faith that we’ll get you delicious vampire centered food – and quickly!”

(he switches back to the other spot)

Dracula: “Well thank you again! I will tell all my vampire friends about this place! And there is such excellent service here!”

(he switches back to the other spot again)

Dracula: “I have an idea! Please come back to the owners private office and enjoy your food! We can chat more about being vampires annoyed by the lack of vampire food at fast food places!”

(he switches back to the other spot)

Dracula: “Sure! Let’s go!”

(everyone watches as dracula takes his tray and goes into the back.)

Twilight: “…Yeah, but he’s not going to keep talking like that when he gets back there!”

Alucard: *raises an eyebrow at him* “Won’t he? Because I will get on this counter and start singing along with this god awful horrible song I have been hearing non-stop for the past three days if I’m wrong.”

Twilight: *backing up* “You know, I believe you.”

(the song mandy starts over again…)

Alucard: *face starts twitching*

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, at rufus’, tseng, bryatt, zidane and Brady have all met in the back where the receipts are printed. tseng is rubbing his butt again)

Tseng: “I’m going to have a permanent mark if this keeps going!”

Bryatt: “Oh please. You love it.” *chuckles* “Does Reeve know about this?”

Tseng: “No. I don’t think he’d be too comfortable with that.”

Zidane: *frowns* “I wish someone would slap my ass…but at the same time they’d probably find out about the tail, and that would be kind of awkward.”

Brady: “No one’s slapped my ass either. My ass is too big.”

Zidane: “But people love big asses! J-Lo has a big ass!”

Brady: “Yeah, but no one likes J-Lo’s ass on a man.”

Tseng: “Okay, I’ll catch you guys and the rest of the ass conversation later.”

(he goes over to his new table, and guess who’s sitting there? why it’s zechs and treize!)

Treize: “Good evening!”

Zechs: *grins* “We meet again.”

Tseng: “What are you guys doing here again?”

Treize: “Well, as we were leaving last night, that nice lady up front told us that you do something special on people’s birthday’s.”

Zechs: “And today just happens to be my birthday!”

Tseng: *pales* “I’m going to kill Elena.”

(zell comes running over)

Zell: “Did I hear the word birthday?!”

Tseng: *hand to head*

Zechs: “It’s my birthday!”

Zell: “Awesome! Then you get the special birthday treatment! I’ll be right back!” *he runs off*

Zechs: “Ooh. I don’t suppose it involves a stripper.”

Treize: “In the family restaurant? Did that counseling do you any good?”

Zechs: “It was a joke!”

Tseng: “Wouldn’t you rather wait until after your meal for the birthday thing?”

Zechs: “Oh, we only came for dessert.”

Treize: “Afterwards we’re going to sing karaoke at the new bar down the street.”

Tseng: *mumbles to self* “I feel sorry for Reno…”

(then zell comes running back with a small cake with a few lit candles in it and a reluctant zidane, Brady and bryatt behind him)

Zell: “We here at Unkey Rufus’ Comfy Country Kitchen just love birthdays! Now the staff here will sing you a special song to help you celebrate your special day!”

Brady: *mutters to self* “This wasn’t in the job description…”

Zell, Brady, Bryatt, Tseng and Zidane: *sing* “It’s a Unkey Rufus birthday! From all of us to you! We hope that all your birthdays – will make your dreams come true!” *yell* “Make a wish!”

Zechs: *blows out the candles on the cake*

Zidane: “Okay, thank god that’s over.”

Customer: *across the restaurant* “It’s my birthday too!”

Customer 2: “Me too!”

Customer 3: “Wow! It’s mine too!”

Customer 4: “Hey! It’s my birthday too!”

Zell: “Awesome! I’ll be right back!”

(he runs off. zidane, tseng, bryatt and Brady exchange a look and then scowl, muttering unhappily as they walk away)

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(at the bar, they’ve just opened for business and it’s kind of slow when sephiroth comes in looking depressed. he plops down at one of the stools in front of the bar and lark comes over)

Lark: “Hey, Sephy-sama! Can I get you something?”

Sephiroth: “Yeah. How about a whiskey sour?”

Lark: “Sure!” *she starts to make the drink* “So what’s the matter? You look sad!”

Sephiroth: *sigh* “I haven’t talked to Alucard in days, and what’s worse is Twilight told me he’s been working at that weird fast food place Dracula built, and Vincent’s working there too! So I can’t just show my face in there without seeing *him*.”

Lark: *gives him his drink* “What’s Vincent going to do to you? If anything he’ll probably be more upset by seeing you!”

Irvine: *calls from the back* “Lark! I need your help!”

Sephiroth: *scowls* “What does cowboy geek need help with? Closing his pants?”

Lark: *smiles* “Relax, Sephy. I’ll be right back.”

(she leaves. sephiroth goes back to sulking over his drink. then reno comes over.)

Reno: “Hey, Sephiroth! What brings you to the most rockin’ bar in town? Tonight’s karaoke night you know! We’re having a contest! The winner gets free booze all night long!”

Sephiroth: *mumbles something incoherent*

Reno: *frowns* “Hey, man, what’s on your mind?”

Sephiroth: “Oh please. Like you care.”

Reno: “Hey! I’m a bartender! And that makes me a therapist by default! Lay it on me!”

Sephiroth: “…Well, I haven’t talked to Alucard since I left him passed out on the porch last week.”

Reno: “After he threw up all over Rufus and Algus?! I would have paid to see that!”

Sephiroth: “In retrospect it was pretty funny, but I was not amused at the time. Anyway, he has more issues than me and Vincent put together. My old therapist is still in the hospital!”

Reno: “Because you beat him up!”

Sephiroth: “What are you his lawyer? Anyway, I can’t even visit him at work because Vincent works there too!”

Reno: “That must be awkward.”

Sephiroth: *sigh* “So I don’t know what to do.”

Reno: “Oh this is easy! You like Alucard, right?”

Sephiroth: “….Yeah.”

Reno: “Are you willing to do anything to work things out?”

Sephiroth: “….I guess so.”

Reno: “So that includes seeing Vincent for half a second! So then go over there!”

Sephiroth: “…Yeah. You’re right. I’ll do it.”

(but he doesn’t move. reno looks at him in confusion)

Reno: “Uh, you’re still here.”

Sephiroth: “…Well, you said there was going to be karaoke. I’ll go tomorrow.”

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back at the fresh meat bbq for vampires, the night is almost over. everyone’s standing around looking bored as usual. dracula is still in the back and ‘mandy’ is still playing)

Dracula’s voice: *calling from the back* “Uh-oh! Alucard! I had an accident!”

Everyone: *freezes*

Dracula’s voice: *from the back* “There’s blood all over the place!”

Everyone: *sigh of relief*

Twilight: *grabbing mop* “If he thought I was going to clean up old man vampire pee, he doesn’t know the great Twilight XyXia!” *grabs a bucket* “…I’m only doing this because I need money for Opal’s birthday!”

(he goes in the back. that leaves alucard and vincent alone with mandy playing…)

Vincent: “…How do you do it?”

Alucard: “Pardon?”

Vincent: “How do you deal with him?”

Alucard: “I don’t know how I even get up in the morning sometimes. But he’s still my dad. I can’t just abandon him.”

Vincent: “That’s very admirable.”

Alucard: “…Thank you.”

(awkward silence)

Alucard: “…I’m sorry.”

Vincent: *blink blink* “Sorry? About what?”

Alucard: “…About what happened…with Sephiroth.”

Vincent: *hangs head with a sigh* “I certainly do not blame you for that. He does what he pleases. It is the way he will always be, unfortunately.”

Alucard: “I haven’t talked to him in a few days… Do you think–“

Vincent: “That he’s through with you as well? No. He’ll come back. I can assure you of that.”

Alucard: “…I really do like him, but I feel like I stole him from you.”

Vincent: “You cannot steal what is not mine, and has not been for years and years.”

(there’s silence a moment. then a crash from the back…)

Twilight’s voice: “No! No!!! What the hell are you doing?!”

Dracula’s voice: “Mmm! Now the room smells like a butcher shop!”

Twilight’s voice: “No!! What is wrong with you?! I know you’re a vampire, but that is disgusting! You’re a messed up freak!”

(silence…)

Alucard: “Did you hear anything?”

Vincent: “Nothing I wish to admit I heard.”

Alucard: “Exactly.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back at the bar, it’s crowded and the karaoke has started. lark and sephiroth have just finished up and are leaving the stage. san diego is doing the announcing.)

San Diego: “Give it up for Lark and Sephiroth with ‘Don’t Go Breakin’ My Heart’! Next welcome Treize and Zechs!”

(reno and irvine exchange a panicked look)

San Diego: “They’ll be singing ‘I’ve Got You, Babe’!”

(then you hear footsteps running towards san diego. then irvine leaps toward his brother, shoving him out of the way. san diego falls to the floor and irvine grabs the mic just as treize and zechs make it up to the stage)

San Diego: *from the floor*  “Ow! What the hell, Irvine?!”

Irvine: “Heh, uh, I just wanted to make sure everyone knows that we’re only playing each song once tonight!”

(treize and zechs frown, but then take their mics as san diego picks himself up off the floor scowling at irvine.)

Treize: “I dedicate this song to Zechs…” *looks fondly at zechs*

Zechs: “And I dedicate this song to Treize…” *looks fondly at treize*

(irvine goes back over and joins reno)

Reno: “Dude. You so totally saved us all.”

Irvine: “I had to do it, man.”

Reno: “Dude, on behalf of the whole bar, thank you!!”

(they high five)

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(over at rufus’, they’re closed for the evening. the staff is coming to crowd around rufus. all the waiters look kind of harried. tseng is counting his money.)

Zidane: *in a trance* “We must have done twenty birthdays.”

Tseng: *still counting money* “One table asked me if I would strip for their friend’s bachelorette party.”

Everyone else: *blink blink*

Bryatt: “Uh, you said no, right?”

Tseng: “Of course I did!” *mutters* “They only offered me two hundred bucks…”

Rufus: “Okay, everyone! Can I have your attention?”

(everyone looks at him)

Rufus: “Now, I know this place has been doing very well, but when I started it, I had a different plan in mind, and I’ve decided to go through with that plan.” *he pauses and takes a breath* “I’m burning it for the insurance money.”

Everyone: “WHAT?!”

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(the next day at rufus’, zidane, and tseng are in the kitchen with franswa, who is taking cookies out of the oven)

Tseng: “I can’t believe Rufus! This is because of that stupid department store.”

Zidane: “I can’t believe he put a 10 million dollar policy on this place.”

Tseng: “He is so greedy! What am I going to do without all my tip money?”

Zidane: “You could always work at a male strip club.”

Tseng: “They don’t have any of those around here!”

Zidane: “…I was joking.”

Tseng: “Uh…so was I.”

(they leave. then zell comes in, but he’s not sniffing the air as usual)

Zell: “Hey, Franswa.”

Franswa: *sadly* “Hi. I baked cookies for you.”

Zell: *looks at them* “Wow! Chocolate chips, M&Ms AND sprinkles! My favorites!” *grins* “Thanks, Franswa!”

Franswa: “You’re welcome.”

(frowning, he starts to put the cookies on a plate)

Zell: “I know you must be pissed at Rufus for what he’s planning to do.”

Franswa: “It figures. For the first time people were praising me for what I’m good at…of course it can’t last. Now I go back to rotting in that museum and being yelled at.”

Zell: “Well I’ll come over and hang out with you and stuff! I think Squall’s kind of tired of me hanging out with him on all his dates with Rinoa anyway. He won’t mind! We can go on dates instead!”

Franswa: *blink blink*

Zell: “Er…I mean we can go out and do stuff! Like people do on a date, but, uh, not?”

Franswa: *cracks a bit of a smile* “Yeah. We could.”

(the phone rings)

Zell: “I’ll get it!” *picks up* “Thanks for calling Unkey Rufus’ Comfy Country Kitchen! This is Zell speaking! How may I be of assistance?”

Rufus: *is whispering* “Zell, it’s me.”

Zell: “Squall?”

Rufus: “No, it’s me Rufus, you idiot!” *back to whispering* “Look, I need you to burn down the place tonight. I put a bunch of rags soaked in gasoline underneath the sink. All you have to do is throw a match in there tonight after everyone is gone.”

Zell: *frowns* “Rufus? Uh, are you sure you wanna do this? ‘Cause we all really like working here.”

Rufus: “I don’t care! Know how long it will take me to make 10 million on that place? It has to go. Now are you going to do it or not?”

Zell: *sadly* “I’ll do it.”

Rufus: “Good. I’ll meet you at Reno and Irvine’s bar later tonight. Bye.”

Zell: “…Bye.” *hangs up*

Franswa: “…Was that Rufus?”

Zell: “…Yeah.” *forces smile* “Cookies! Thanks!”

(he takes the plate and leaves. franswa sighs and goes back to prepping food and such)

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back next door at drac’s, alucard and vincent look bored as usual. twilight is slumped in a booth. dracula is nowhere to be found. mandy is still playing…alucard is literally twitching in time with the music)

Twilight: “…Opal was listening to the radio last night and this song came on…”

(alucard and vincent look at him. he looks at them)

Twilight: “…I owe her a new radio.”

(then who comes in? but sephiroth! he doesn’t look too sure of himself, but he comes in, smelling the air uncertainly)

Sephiroth: “Ugh. Smells like a hospital in here.”

Twilight: “Sephiroth!”

Vincent: “…Sephiroth?”

Alucard: “…Sephiroth…??”

Sephiroth: *cocks head to one side* “What the f**k song is this? Why are you twitching, Alucard?”

Alucard: *twitch* “The song…”

Sephiroth: “I came to talk to you…”

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile at rufus’, elena is up front writing in the reservation book. suddenly the ground shakes a little. she pauses)

Elena: “What the…??”

(then the door opens and hojo, scarlet, nida, heidegger, kuja and seymour darken the doorway)

Elena: *eyes wide* “Oh no.”

Hojo: “Actually it’s *Ho*jo. You haven’t forgotten, have you? How’s the baby doing? Good I hope. I stand by my stolen sperm.”

Elena: *uncomfortable* “Um, I don’t know if I can seat you. Is Heidegger going to eat everything?”

Scarlet: “It should be okay. We hit 10 McDonalds on the way over here.”

Nida: “And two Burger Kings.”

Heidegger: “I pre-gamed! Gya haa haa!”

Elena: “All right, then.”

Hojo: “We’d like to sit in Tseng’s section, if possible.”

Kuja: “Good. He won’t have a problem with making sure all my food has less than 15% of the calories from fat.”

Seymour: “I don’t see why you care, considering how fat you are.”

Kuja: “Don’t worry, Seymour, you can get extra grease to smear all over your disgusting greasy face, I’m sure.”

Elena: “Right this way!”

(she leads them to their table. as they’re sitting down, tseng comes by and notices them. he stops)

Tseng: “Uh, Elena?” *whispers* “Why are you sitting them in my section?!”

Elena: “Hojo requested it!”

Tseng: *still whispering* “Ew! He’s going to be mentally undressing me with his eyes!”

Elena: “Just think about the tip, Tseng. If you don’t want it, I’ll put them in Zidane’s section.”

(she smiles knowingly and walks away. tseng stands there for a second looking disgusted. then he takes a deep breath and turns to the table with a smile.)

Tseng: “Can I get you fine folks anything to drink?”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back at drac’s…)

Alucard: “Oh? Did you?”

Sephiroth: “Yes. I–“

(but before he can say anything else, dracula comes in, holding a bunch of shrunken heads by the top)

Dracula: “Alucard! I’ve come to pay for all the food I’ve been eating!”

Alucard: “I can’t take this. Let’s go in the back.”

(he and sephiroth go in the back. vincent sighs sadly.)

Dracula: “Alucard! Are these heads not to your liking?? Will you at least take this one!” *holds it up* “I don’t want it anymore! It smells!”

Twilight: *whispers to vincent* “Maybe this song’ll drive Sephiroth crazy too, but he can actually break stuff because he doesn’t need the money so bad for Opal’s birthday and a new radio.”

Vincent: *more sad sighs*

(meanwhile, alucard has taken sephiroth in the back where there are a couple of empty counters)

Sephiroth: “Sorry I’ve been kind of avoiding you.”

Alucard: “Sorry I got drunk and threw up all over Rufus.”

Sephiroth: “No, that was actually pretty funny. I was just mad because I got holy water all over me. Again.”

Alucard: “Sorry.”

Sephiroth: “That’s not your fault…those Belmont’s better watch their backs.” *frowns* “This song is awful! Did it just start over again?!”

Alucard: “It’s been playing non-stop for three days.”

Sephiroth: “What?!”

Alucard: “I’m holding onto my last thread of sanity.”

Sephiroth: “I can’t think with this crap playing!”

(he takes out the masamune, whirls around smashes the boombox on the counter. the music stops playing)

Alucard: *huge smile* “My hero!”

(he jumps at sephiroth and kisses him…)

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(okay, so back to rufus’, tseng, zidane, bryatt and Brady are all carrying heavy trays over to the loser’s table)

Bryatt: “How much crap did they order?!”

Tseng: “This is just for Heidegger!”

Brady: “How is he not too big to leave the house yet?”

Zidane: “Tseng, I hope you’re planning to share some of the tip with us since we’re helping you carry these trays!”

Tseng: “Hey! I deserve every last cent! You didn’t have to put up with Hojo ogling you! He offered me a hundred bucks but I had to let him tuck it into my pants!”

Bryatt: “You said no, right?”

Tseng: “Of course!”

Zidane: “Uh, Tseng, you have a hundred bucks sticking out of the back of your pants.”

Bryatt and Brady: “Ugh!”

Tseng: “Oh you’re just jealous!”

(they come to the table and rest the trays down on some of those fold-up table thingys. bryatt, Brady, and zidane put their trays down and leave. tseng starts serving the food)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! All for Heidegger!”

Nida: “Hey, Scarlet! Lookit what I can do!” *sticks a spoon to the end of his nose*

Scarlet: “Congratulations, Nida. You’ll be able to start kindergarden next year.”

Nida: “Shut up, bitch ho!”

Kuja: “Tseng, I require more Evian, but this time, try to make the ice shavings thinner.”

Seymour: “And I’ll have more Diet Pepsi.”

Kuja: “You’re going to have to do more than drink diet soda if you want to slim down.”

Seymour: “Well you certainly don’t need to take in any more ice to be an ice queen.”

Hojo: “Tseng, there’s a hundred more in it for you, but you have to let me put it down the *front* this time.”

Tseng: *pause* “…….” *thinks* “………” *pause* “………..” *thinks* “………” *pause* “….Okay, no. I have to draw the line somewhere.”

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back at dracula’s, vincent and twilight have been quietly celebrating ever since the music stopped. dracula has been ranting about the shrunken heads and has yet to notice)

Dracula: *smells one* “This one smells too…” *smells it again* “Smells like…” *smells it* “Smells like failure.” *blink blink* “Does failure have a smell?” *pause* “Hey! What happened to the music??”

(vincent puts his head in his hands and twilight fakes banging his head on the wall. dracula wanders into the back over to where he kept the boombox. he walks into the room and stops dead. why? because alucard and sephiroth are doing it right there on the counter. they are so wrapped up in what they are doing that they don’t notice dracula. until he speaks anyway)

Dracula: “That’s my boy! Go Alucard! But, Alucard, one tip, just you really should–” *pauses as his jaw drops and his eye pops out of his socket and rolls across the floor* “Aagh! Alucard! Alucard!!! Your girlfriend is a man!!!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back at rufus’, tseng comes to the back of the restaurant, counting a stack of money with a grin)

Zidane: “Let me guess. That’s all from Hojo’s table.”

Tseng: *nods with a big grin* “It was worth all the extra work and groping.”

Zidane: “You are becoming such a combination of Kuja and Rufus.”

Tseng: “What?”

Zidane: “Look at you! You’re obsessed with money! You let that skeeve Hojo touch you for a couple hundred bucks.”

Tseng: “Actually it’s three thousand.”

Zidane: *jaw drops* “Really?!”

Tseng: “Their bill was over a grand…Heidegger ate over 35 different kinds of fish.”

Zidane: “So that’s why he yelled out ‘gya haa haa I’m a walking aquarium’.”

Tseng: “Yup.”

(then zell comes past them.)

Zell: “Hey, guys! Gotta run! It’s time for cookies!”

(he leaves)

Zidane: “Sure it is.” *wink*

Tseng: “Huh?”

Zidane: “Zell and his ‘cookies’. C’mon. He’s totally making out with Franswa back there. And who can blame him? Franswa’s hot. I like red heads.”

Tseng: “You’re crazy! Zell is not making out with Franswa! He really just wants the cookies.”

Zidane: “No way. Totally making out.”

Tseng: “They are not!”

Zidane: “Oh yeah? Care to take a look then?”

Tseng: “Sure!”

(they go around to where there’s a small window the waiters can look into to tell things to the kitchen. they crouch down, keeping low. at first they just listen)

Zell’s voice: “Hey, Franswa!”

Franswa’s voice: “Hey, Zell. There are some cookies for you over there.”

Zell’s voice: “Thanks!”

Tseng: *whispers* “I told you!”

Zidane: “Shush!”

Zell’s voice: “Mmmmm…!”

Zidane: *whispers* “I told you!”

Zell’s voice: “These cookies are great!”

Tseng: *mouths* ‘Told you’!

Franswa’s voice: “Thanks. I have something else for you. Come here.”

Zidane: *grins and winks*

Zell’s voice: “Wow! Chocolate cake! Awesome!”

Tseng: *laughs quietly*

Zidane: *frowns*

Franswa and Zell: *overlapping* “Here let me just…”/”I’m just gonna…”

(silence. tseng and zidane look puzzled. then they quietly stand up and peek through the window. there they see franswa and zell standing there together. apparently they both tried to reach for the same knife and now they are both holding onto it, zell’s hand on the bottom and franswa’s on top. they are frozen, staring at one another. zidane and tseng look at one another in surprise. finally franswa draws his hand away and both of them laugh nervously. zidane and tseng duck back down as zell and franswa start talking about the cake.)

Zidane: “Man, what a pussy! I would have grabbed him and kissed him right there!”

Tseng: “Not everyone’s a skank in training.”

Zidane: “You’ve still got that hundred dollar bill sticking out of the back of your pants.”

Tseng: “Hey, you watch it, kid. I’ve been getting around since I was younger than you. No more training necessary. Now let’s get back to work.”

(he grins and starts to walk away. zidane’s jaw drops and he scrambles after him)

Zidane: “Wait a minute, Tseng, are you kidding? I’ve heard stories and stuff, but come on – help a brother out!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back at dracula’s, dracula emerges from the back missing an eye and looking dazed. twilight and vincent stare at him)

Dracula: *cocks head to one side* “…..I left my mittens in the oven.”

Twilight: *shrugs* “That makes about as much sense as anything else he’s said today.”

(then the door opens and a very official looking man wearing a suit and holding a clipboard comes in. he has a badge that says ‘health inspector’. he comes right up to the counter)

Inspector: “Hello. I’m the health inspector. This is a surprise inspection. Who is in charge here?”

Vincent and Twilight: *point to dracula*

Dracula: “Huh? Oh! Hello! Nice to meet you! My name is Vlad! Welcome to my restaurant!”

Inspector: “Sir, I’m the health inspector. I need to inspect the back to make sure there are no health code violations.” *sniffs air* “It smells like a hospital in here.”

Dracula: “Sure, sure! I’ll show you around! Follow me!”

(they go into the back.)

Twilight: “Health inspector, huh? I hope they don’t check Dracula’s office…”

(right off the bat the inspector notices that there are body parts on the ground and blood all over the floor.)

Inspector: “What is this mess?! You have blood all over the floor! And this raw meat has to be refrigerated!”

Dracula: “Yeah. *Suuure* it does.” *rolls his one eye*

Inspector: “There must be all kinds of bacteria growing on this meat! Where is your fridge?”

Dracula: “…What’s that?”

Inspector: “….Please tell me you’re kidding.”

Dracula: “…What’s that?”

Inspector: “And where did all this blood come from?! There are bugs crawling all over the place!”

Dracula: “That only increases the flavor!”

Inspector: “What?! I asked you where this blood came from! It’s far too much to come from the meat!”

Dracula: “Well the shake machine was leaking before. But no worries! I patched it up with some toxic glue!”

Inspector: “What?!”

Dracula: “There’s more this way!”

(he leads the inspector to where alucard and sephiroth were previously. only they’re thankfully not there anymore.)

Inspector: “Those counters look clean at least.”

Dracula: “Of course they do! My son and his girlfriend were just having sex there a few minutes ago! Kids these days are so kinky!”

Inspector: *jaw drops* “Are you telling me there were people engaging in sexual intercourse on your food preparation counters?!”

Dracula: “Sure am! I saw it with my own two eyes!”

Inspector: “…You only have one eye.”

Dracula: “I do?” *chuckles* “Well that certainly makes things less awkward! I thought you had half your face torn off!”

Inspector: “There are bloody footprints on the floor over here.”

Dracula: “Well duh. You can’t help but get blood on your shoes around here.”

Inspector: “And there’s a eyeball in the corner!”

Dracula: “Oh! That’s mine!” *he picks it up and pops it in* “That would have been funny if it got in the food!”

Inspector: *looks utterly horrified*

Dracula: “Do you want to see the rusty saws we cut the meat with?”

Inspector: “Mr. Vlad, I have seen enough! This place breaks every health code violation in the book! In all my years I have never seen anything as disgusting as this!”

Dracula: “Really? Thank you!”

Inspector: “I have no choice but to shut this place down until you bring it up to code. Now please sign these papers so I may be on my way.” *gags*

Dracula: “No problem! Just step into my office!”

(they head off towards the office…)

Dracula: “Just watch where you step… I haven’t had a chance to clean up since yesterday.”

(he opens the door and gestures for the health inspector to step inside. as soon as he does all we hear is screaming…)

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile at the bar, twilight, opal, sephiroth, alucard, tseng, reeve, zidane, elena, bryatt, Brady and a bunch of other people are there when rufus enters with algus, edgar and setzer and comes up to the bar)

Rufus: “Good evening, everyone!”

Irvine: “Hey, Rufus! How’s the restaurant business?”

Rufus: “It’s great. On fire even.” *chuckles*

Elena, Tseng, Zidane, Bryatt and Brady: *scowl*

Rufus: “I’ll have a beer.”

Lark: “So, Sephy, I see you and Alucard have patched things up.”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, I guess.”

Alucard: “Thank god the health inspector closed down that place.”

Lark: “Huh?”

Twilight: “Yeah! The health inspector came today and closed down Fantastic Drac’s. Turns out he didn’t like the fact that there was blood on the floor or people havin’ sex on the counters in the back.”

Opal: “Oh dear…”

Lark: *looks at seph and alcuard* “Real classy.”

(then the door opens and zell stumbles in. he’s covered in ash)

Rufus: *totally phony* “Oh god! Zell! What happened?!”

Zell: “The restaurant…it’s on fire.”

Rufus: *still phony* “What?! Oh no!”

Algus: “Oh dear, Rufus! You have such awful luck!”

Edgar: “I’m so very sorry.”

Setzer: “Ditto.”

Rufus: *heavy sigh* “It’s okay… Good thing I took out a big fat insurance policy on it.”

Algus: “You did? How excellent for you then! Let’s have a toast!”

(zell walks over to where tseng, zidane, bryatt, reeve and Brady are. he’s pouting)

Zell: *plops down* “Well. It’s gone.”

Tseng: *sigh* “All those tips…”

Reeve: *frowns* “Uh, honey…why is there a hundred dollar bill stuffed in the back of your pants?”

Brady: “On the plus side, I finally got a slap on the ass.”

Bryatt: “From who?”

Lark: “From me!”

Zidane: “Oh that doesn’t count!”

(the door opens and more people pile in, including zechs, treize, barret, cid and a bunch of others…)

Rufus: “So Reno, Irvine, I see you’re doing great business.”

Reno: “Yup! We’re a big success!”

Rufus: “That’s great, because I’m raising your rent to 10,000 a month.”

Irvine: “That’s fine!”

Rufus: *jaw drops* “That’s fine? Are you sure? Because that’s a lot of money! Well, for you people especially.”

Reno: “Well, that’ll cut into how much profit we take home…”

Irvine: “But that’s okay! We’re mostly doing this because we love it!”

Rufus: *blink blink* “Love…it?”

Irvine: “Yeah! We’re having a blast! And so is everyone else!”

Lark: “So, Alucard, do you think your dad will be upset about losing the restaurant?”

Alucard: “Upset? He’ll forget about it in a week.” *shudders* “But I don’t think I’ll ever get that song out of my head.”

(then san diego steps up to the stage, mic in hand)

San Diego: “Howdy, everyone! We’re having karaoke again! Whoever wants to sing, just come on up!”

(treize and zechs shove and push their way up to the stage and get there first.)

Treize: “We’ll gladly do a number!”

San Diego: “Uh, okay. But my brother took ‘I’ve Got You, Babe’ out of the machine after last night.”

(they both frown, but treize shrugs it off)

Treize: “That’s all right. I’ll sing a solo piece then.”

(so he goes over and picks it out and san diego turns the mic on again)

San Diego: “Okay, everyone! For the first song of the evening we have Treize, who will be serenading ya’ll with ‘Mandy’!”

(the words have barely left his lips when alucard screams bloody murder and runs from the building screaming all the way. silence follows)

Everyone: “…………………..”

Sephiroth: *getting up* “Yes, that one would be mine.”

(and with everyone watching him, he follows alucard out)

Lark: *watching after him* “Maybe Sephiroth is finally learning…”

 

 

THE END