#139 – And That’s the Way the Vampires Have Their Picnic

Dracula: “To the owlery!”

Originally Published: 9/19/05 . 18 pages

Synopsis
It’s time for the vampire family picnic, and Alucard is not very happy about it. Can he manage to get through it with Sephiroth by his side? Or will the Belmonts take them all down?

Ramble Milestones
-First appearance of Alucard’s family, including Uncle Herb.
-First time Alucard gets drunk.

I’m a big fan of this ramble, mostly because I love writing about Alucard, so having his whole family to work with was a lot of fun. There are two moments in this ramble that would have been hilarious to actually see – where Dracula comes crashing down on the snack table and the ending. The ending is actually my favorite ramble ending of all time. The ramble is also one of my favorites – there are a lot of funny lines and drunk Alucard is always good for a laugh.

(sephiroth and alucard are sitting alone in the tv room. Sephiroth has the remote and is flipping through the channels…)

Sephiroth: “Ugh. They need to either stop making new channels, or start actually making some shows that don’t kill brain cells by the gross.”

Alucard: “*pointing at tv* “Look, there’s Legal Case. Go back.”

Sephiroth: *annoyed sigh* “Fine. But only to see how awful they made it.”

(He turns back to the channel. On screen is the new actor playing maxmillian viking.)

Voiceover: “Next time on, Legal Case.”

(Maxmillian is talking into a cell phone)

Maxmillion: “You think you know what I’m planning? You haven’t got the slightest idea. My mind is working on such a high level that the Judge himself won’t know what I have in store. You better be afraid. Very afraid.”

Voice calling from off screen: “Maxmillion! The Tigers!”

Maxmillion: *hanging up the phone with eyes narrowing* “Time for action. Legal style.”

(Sephiroth shuts off the tv)

Sephiroth: “Ugh, the tiger subplot? Already? I knew I shouldn’t have sold them my ideas – they’re messing up the whole storyline!”

Alucard: “Ever since the trial of the mystical wizard things have certainly seemed to drop off.”

Sephiroth: “Don’t even get me started on that one. The red elf was never supposed to testify, according to my notes.” *sigh* “So, what do you want to do tomorrow?”

Alucard: “Oh. Tomorrow. Um… Well, I’m sorry but I have to take Ceberus to the vet.”

Sephiroth: “You just took him to the vet! Didn’t he eat that sheep dog?”

Alucard: “…He tried.”

Sephiroth: *eyes narrow* “Are you lying to me? Because if you want to break up with me -“

Alucard: “No… That’s not it at all.” *sigh* “If you must know, tomorrow is our family picnic.”

Sephiroth: “Family…picnic?”

Alucard: *annoyed sigh* “Yeah. The annual family picnic. I…really would rather spare you the pain.”

Sephiroth: “Oh. Why? Is your mother gonna be there?”

Alucard: “No. My mother was burned as a witch in the early 1400’s.”

Sephiroth: “Oh. …*Was* she a witch?”

Alucard: “No! She just knew a lot about herbs!”

Sephiroth: “Whoa! Don’t get so defensive! Your dad is Dracula, you got zombies livin’ in your house – I think it’s pretty normal for me to think your mother might actually be a witch!”

Alucard: “…Sorry. It’s a touchy subject.”

Sephiroth: “It’s okay. I still kinda get mad when people mention I was created as a science experiment.” *twitches*

Alucard: “So it starts at two.”

Sephiroth: “What?”

Alucard: “The picnic.”

Sephiroth: “I thought you wanted to spare me the pain!”

Alucard: “I decided I would be happier with you by my side.”

Sephiroth: *annoyed sigh* “Fine. I’m too nice.”

(Vincent pokes his head into the room)

Vincent: “Ang-er…Sephiroth? May I have a word, please?”

Sephiroth: “I got your stupid love letter, Vincent! You’ll find it burning in the fireplace!”

Vincent: *runs out crying*

Sephiroth: “Anyway, where were we?”

Alucard: “We were talking about the picnic.”

Sephiroth: “Right. Can you at least remind your father that I’m *not* a woman? It was annoying the first dozen times, now it just makes me wanna kill something.”

Alucard: “I’ve been trying. But you know dad. He went around all last week balancing that flower pot on his head, convinced it gave him x-ray vision.”

Sephiroth: “I’d refer him to my therapist, but he’s still in the intensive care unit.”

(Then who enters but lucretia, dragging a reluctant hojo on her arm)

Lucretia: “Sephiroth, sweetie! There you are!”

Sephiroth: “Mom! You’re…still hanging around.”

Lucretia: “Of course! Now that I’m unemployed, I’m staying with your father!”

Hojo: “She’s killing my sex life.”

Sephiroth: “Oh god. You had to say that? Now I don’t know if I just wanna throw up or die.”

Lucretia: “Sephiroth, why is poor Vincent crying outside?”

Sephiroth: *annoyed sigh* “Because he’s a baby. And he’s still upset that I dumped him.”

Hojo: “Hmmm… So Vincent’s single, eh?”

Sephiroth and Lucretia: “Don’t even think about it.”

(Then dracula comes running in with death)

Dracula: “Alucard! Alucard! We have an emergency!”

Alucard: *sigh* “What is it?”

Lucretia: “Shouldn’t you be a little more concerned? Your father has an emergency!”

Alucard: “I doubt it.”

Dracula: “Alucard! Where are the pot holders? I’m trying to bake a pie!”

Alucard: “No you’re not.”

Dracula: “A unicorn pie!”

Death: “Sorry. I tried to stop him.”

Dracula: “Made of unicorn horns! And fairy dust!”

Alucard: “Dad, why don’t you go lie down? Tomorrow’s picnic is going to be very hard on you.”

Dracula: “The what now?”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(The next day. Sephiroth goes over to alucard’s holding some kind of food item in his hands. He rings the doorbell, which is the sound of someone screaming)

Sephiroth: “That probably scares away a lot of door to door salesmen.”

(Alucard opens the door)

Alucard: “You’re a bit early.”

Sephiroth: “My mom gave me this to bring.” *holds out dish*

Alucard: *inspecting it* “What is it?”

Sephiroth: “Brownies, or something.”

Alucard: “…Oh.”

Sephiroth: “What’s wrong with brownies?”

Alucard: “You…don’t know much about vampires, do you.”

Sephiroth: “I know you’re all pretty happy it’s so cloudy out today.”

Alucard: “Come inside.”

(Alucard takes him into the backyard where there is already a whole bunch of people. They’re all really pale and wearing black)

Sephiroth: “If this is the picnic I wonder what a funeral looks like.”

Alucard: “We don’t have funerals. We’re vampires.”

Sephiroth: *mutters* “I don’t know why I bother to make jokes.”

(Then an old man walks over, staring at sephiroth)

Old Man: “No, no, no! This is not the vintage I ordered! How old are you?”

Sephiroth: “What the hell are you talking about?”

Old Man: *to alucard* “Adrian, is the delivery boy still here?”

Sephiroth: *looks at alucard totally confused* “Adrian?!”

Alucard: “No Uncle Orlick, we’re not having fresh blood today.”

Uncle Orlick: “So this isn’t what I asked to be delivered?”

Alucard: “No. And it’s not coming either. I canceled all the orders. The cops gave us a surprise visit after the last picnic and I’m not spending two more weeks in jail so you all can have some warm blood.”

Uncle Orlick: “But I ordered a sixteen year old virgin! That’s so rare today!”

Alucard: “You’ll get your money back.”

(Uncle orlick wanders away. Sephiroth is still staring at alucard)

Sephiroth: “I thought your name was Alucard!”

Alucard: “It is.”

Sephiroth: “Then who’s Adrian?”

Alucard: “I am.”

Sephiroth: “What?”

Alucard: “Adrian is my birth name, the name my mother gave me. A few of my relatives still use it. My dad renamed me Alucard, and that’s all he calls me, so that’s what I go by.”

Sephiroth: “I can’t believe we’ve been dating this long and I didn’t know you had a second name! What other secrets are you hiding from me? Are you part werewolf too or something?”

Alucard: “Now that’s just impossible.”

(Then dracula comes over with a dark haired woman)

Dracula: “Alucard! I found you! I’ve been looking all over the shed for you!”

Alucard: “Dad, we don’t have a shed.”

Dracula: “Meet my new girlfriend, Camilla! She’s a blood Countess.” *wink*

Camilla: “Hello, Alucard. I’ve heard so very much about you.”

Dracula: “I was telling her about the time when you were seventeen and you wet the bed and were calling for your mom all night.” *laughs*

Camilla: *laughs*

Alucard: *looks like he’s about to die*

Sephiroth: *looks the same*

Camilla: “Your father was showing me around the castle. Do you know who decorated the room in the upper left tower?”

Alucard: “….It was Juste Belmont.” *hands her a card*

Camilla: *reading* “Juste Belmont…vampire hunter and interior design?”

Dracula: “Belmont?!?! Where?!”

Alucard: “Probably behind the fence.”

Dracula: “To the owlery!” *runs off*

Camilla: “Wait for me, Vlady darling!” *chases after him*

Sephiroth: “…Do you have an owlery?”

Alucard: “No.”

Sephiroth: “What is that?”

Alucard: “A place you keep owls.”

Sephiroth: “One more question.”

Alucard: “Shoot.”

Sephiroth: “What the hell good would that do against the Belmont’s?”

Alucard: “You tell me.”

(Meanwhile, behind the fence, all the belmonts are crouched there, just as alucard said)

Juste: *grinning* “I knew it was a good idea to put my card in everyone’s mailbox!”

Richter: “But father, do you really think the vampires are going to be looking for a vampire *hunter*?”

Trevor: “They should see the error of their wicked ways and call for us to dispose of them!”

Franswa: “…Can I get back to my lemon tarts now?”

Simon: “No! And keep it down!”

Trevor: “If only we had some holy water left! We could get them all at once!”

Juste: “A vampire picnic… Who knows what evil they could be planning!”

Simon: “Who cares! We’ll find a way to get them!”

Richter: “I told you not to use the holy water on your garden, Franswa.”

Franswa: “Then you shouldn’t have kept it all in the watering cans!”

(Meanwhile, back to the picnic, more people are arriving…a woman walks over to alucard…)

Woman: “Oh, Aly! It’s been so long! I haven’t seen you since you were two hundred years old! What a handsome young man you are!”

Alucard: “…Thanks, Aunt Desdamona.”

Aunt Desdamona: “And who is this young man you have with you? Is he a snack?”

Sephiroth: “What?!”

Aunt Desdamona: “He looks a little pale.” *whispers to alucard* “You might want to take him back to the store.”

Alucard: “Uh, no, this isn’t my snack, this is actually my friend. Sephiroth.”

Sephiroth: “Oh. Great. I’m a friend to you and ring dings for your family.”

Alucard: “There’s some lovely punch over at the snack table, Aunt Desdamona. I made it myself.”

Aunt Desdamona: “Oh, Alucard, such a lovely boy. I’ll see you later.”

(She pinches his cheek and walks away)

Sephiroth: “Is everyone going to think I’m here to be eaten? Because if that’s the case I’m leaving!”

Alucard: “Well you are the first human they’ve ever seen at the picnic that’s not to be eaten.”

Sephiroth: “Should I walk around with a sign that says ‘Not food’? Would that help?!”

Alucard: “It might.”

(Then a guy and a girl walk over to alucard all smiles)

Girl: “Cousin! There you are! How have you been?”

Guy: “We haven’t heard from you all year!”

Alucard: “I’ve been… …. ….. ….good.”

Sephiroth: *clears throat*

Alucard: “Oh. Right. Victoria, Frankie, this is my friend, Sephiroth. He’s not food. Sephiroth, these are my cousins.”

Victoria: “A pleasure, dear.” *smile*

Frankie: “Where’s Uncle Dracula? I wanna show him my new blood stone!”

(then there’s the sound of a door opening and a scream that gets closer and closer until dracula comes crashing down on the snack table in the background. Punch flies everywhere, as do various body parts. Alucard doesn’t bat an eye)

Alucard: “…I think he’s over by the snack table.”

Dracula: *gets up covered in punch and missing an eye* “What happened to our owlery?!”

(Then a bat flies down next to him and turns into camilla)

Camilla: “Vlady darling! Are you all right?!”

Dracula: “Oh, I’m fine!” *blink blink* “…What happened to half your face?”

(Meanwhile, back to the belmonts, trevor and simon are peering over the fence)

Trevor: “They have body parts strewn about the backyard!”

Franswa: *sigh* “Then call the cops.”

Belmont elders: *gasp*

Juste: “How dare you insinuate that the authorities will handle vampires better than the Belmont’s!”

Franswa: “You guys haven’t done anything more than that neighbor on Bewitched.”

Simon: “Richter, control your boy!”

Richter: “Now, now, Franswa, if it hadn’t been for you using up all the holy water we’d be taking down those demons as we speak!”

Franswa: “Everything is always my fault!”

Trevor: “Shush! Look! That strange man from next door is over here again! He must be a vampire in training!”

Richter: “At least we have our vampire *hunter* in training!” *pats franswa on the shoulder*

Franswa: “Leave me outta this!”

(Meanwhile, back next door, alucard and sephiroth have moved over by the snack table, which has been fixed. It consists mainly of the punch and some rotting meat. Sephiroth’s brownies sit on the very edge of the table.)

Sephiroth: “…I see no one’s touched the brownies.”

Alucard: “At least you’ll have something to eat.”

Sephiroth: “What if I get thirsty?”

Alucard: “Don’t let anyone talk you into trying the punch.”

(He pours himself a cup of punch and finds his father’s eyeball in it)

Alucard: “Oh. Gross.”

Sephiroth: “You’re already drinking blood. What’s an eyeball or two?”

(A middle aged man comes over)

Man: “Alucard! There you are! And who is your tasty companion?”

Sephiroth: “I’m not food, okay? And my name is Sephiroth.”

Alucard: “…Sephiroth, this is my Uncle Herb.”

Uncle Herb: “I see you found your father’s eyeball, Alucard!” *chuckles* “He’s a character, isn’t he? How’s he been?”

Alucard: “…I think his brain died long ago and never came back.”

Uncle Herb: “You know, you should both come down and visit us sometime! The blood bank is really flourishing!”

Sephiroth: “Wait a minute. You run a blood bank?”

Uncle Herb: “I certainly do! That’s what most of us here do! How else can we earn money and get our food without attracting attention?”

Sephiroth: “…Now I know why there’s always a shortage.”

Uncle Herb: *looks sephiroth up and down* “So you’re a blood fountain are you? Have you ever thought of a life without bounds?”

Sephiroth: “I’m a *what* fountain?”

Uncle Herb: “Immortality is a wonderful thing, you know. I’ve seen the rise and fall of kings and countries and men! There are so many other perks too! I bet you’ve dreamed of what it would be like to turn into a bat, or sleep in a coffin at night!”

Sephiroth: “…Actually, I’ve done that. My ex-boyfriend had major issues.”

Uncle Herb: “You should really read this pamphlet.”

(He hands sephiroth a pamphlet that says – Becoming a Vampire – it’s the right choice for everyone!)

Sephiroth: *blink blink* “What are you, a recruiter?”

Uncle Herb: “I’ve been the top recruiter since 1501! I almost got Columbus, you know.”

Sephiroth: “…Okay…”

Uncle Herb: “It’s a simple process, really. I drink all your blood and then feed some of it back to you. You die, and come back. It all goes like that!” *snaps fingers* “So what do you say?”

Sephiroth: “I’m really not interested.”

Uncle Herb: “Well, you think about it. My number’s on the back. Call me anytime. I’m up all night!” *laughs*

Sephiroth: *laughs uncomfortably*

Uncle Herb: “Oh look! Count Chocula is here! And he brought cereal for everyone!” *he goes off*

Sephiroth: *looks at alucard* “You have recruiters?”

Alucard: *is draining a huge cup of punch* “Huh?”

Sephiroth: “Where have you been? Your relative was trying to convert me! You’re like Jehovah’s Witnesses!”

Alucard: “I added booze to the punch.”

Frankie: *calls out* “Hey! Someone spiked the brownies!”

Sephiroth: “I could definitely use some of that.”

Alucard: “Yeah, um, not with booze.”

Sephiroth: “Oh you’re all disgusting!”

(Back over the fence, the belmonts are still spying with their binoculars…)

Juste: “Look! It’s Herb the Horrible! And he’s handing out pamphlets!”

Trevor: “Oh the horror!”

Simon: “Who knows how many he’s convinced with those leaflets!”

Trevor: *to juste* “You fool! Why did you use all our computer paper for those business cards?! We could have made pamphlets!”

Juste: “I didn’t use it all! I had those printed special at a shop!”

Franswa: “I used the paper to print out recipes from Martha Stewart’s website!”

Richter: “Dammit, Franswa!”

Franswa: “Oh like you haven’t all been enjoying Martha’s tomato bisque!”

(Then the UPS man pulls up to the belmont house across the street)

Franswa: “Ooh! Maybe my special non-stick bakeware arrived!”

Simon: “Or maybe it’s more holy water. Richter, go check. And if it is…you know what to do.”

Richter: *nods*

(meanwhile, back over at alucards, sephiroth has followed alucard inside. Alucard is pouring more booze into his punch even though he’s pretty drunk as it is)

Sephiroth: “I don’t believe this. I’m dying of thirst but I can’t drink anything, because all you have is that blood punch! And you don’t even have water because it hurts vampires! And your family ruined my brownies, and even that cereal was soaked in blood! Can’t I have some of that rum?”

Alucard: “No. It’s got blood in it.”

Sephiroth: “ARGH! Everything’s got blood in it! Oh, and why we’re on the subject, what is a blood fountain?”

Alucard: “It’s vampire slang for human. You know, because you’re all full of blood.”

(Then the doorbell rings. With a sigh, alucard goes and answers the door. It’s rufus, and he looks mad)

Alucard: “What do you want?”

Rufus: “Your dog! Your filthy beast! Your mangy, scary excuse for a pet!”

Alucard: *in a bored voice* “What did he do?”

Rufus: “He peed all over my limo!”

Alucard: “So clean it off with a hose.”

Rufus: “Clean it off with a hose?! I had the sunroof open!!”

(Flash to the ramble room where rufus’ limo is parked outside dripping with dog pee. Algus stands nearby, staring in complete disgust)

Algus: “…Well how are we supposed to go to the movies now?”

(Back to alucard’s)

Rufus: “So what do you intend to do about this?”

Alucard: *slams the door in rufus’ face*

Rufus’ voice: *banging on the door* “HEY! Hey, open up!!! I have a million lawyers!! I’ll sue!!! Open this door right now!”

Sephiroth: “You handled that well.”

Alucard: “I am so drunk.”

Sephiroth:”That’s great. I guess the next time one of your relatives decides to try and take a bite out of me I’ll have to ram him through with the masamune rather than have you politely intercede on my behalf.”

Alucard: “Oh, Uncle Mort was just joking.”

Sephiroth: “I could feel his breath on my skin!”

(Alucard keeps walking towards sephiroth till he is very close)

Alucard: “You’re cute when you’re mad.”

Sephiroth: “Don’t you dare kiss me – you’ve been drinking blood all afternoon.”

(Just as alucard goes to kiss him, dracula comes stumbling in. His eye is finally back in)

Dracula: “Alucard! Have you tried the cereal? It’s-” *gasp* “Alucard! Your girlfriend is a man!”

Sephiroth: “Finally!”

Dracula: “Alucard! How could you–”

(But before dracula can say anything else alucard goes over to him, picks him up by the shoulders and shakes him up and down several times. He then puts dracula back down and steps back)

Dracula: *cocks head to one side* “…Where did I park my kitty?”

Alucard: “Like an etch-a-sketch.”

Sephiroth: “Dammit. And the day was finally starting to look up.”

Dracula: “Oh, Alucard! There are you are! And your girlfriend looks very pretty today!”

(Sephiroth twitches. Camilla comes up and puts an arm around dracula)

Camilla: Vlady darling! There you are!”

Dracula: “Who the hell are you!?”

Camilla: *sigh* “I should have known it was too good to last.”

(Alucard polishes off another huge glass as they all walk back outside)

Dracula: “Who wants to play pin the fangs on the virgin?!”

(Everyone runs over to play)

Sephiroth: “Alucard, I think you should probably lay off the rum. If you get sick, I am not cleaning blood puke off anything.”

Alucard: *grabs sephiroth by the shoulders* “Don’t become a vampire! Ever! They can hand out all the pamphlets they want! It is a horrible curse! We all wish we were dead!”

(Sephiroth is quite uncomfortable by the way alucard is tightly holding onto him and by the fact that his family is loudly playing the game and having a great time together not too far off)

Sephiroth: “I don’t know if it’s the alcohol talking or you’re really serious, but your family seems to be having the time of their lives. …This century at least.”

??????: “WE’VE GOT YOU NOW, VAMPIRE SCUM!”

(Everyone looks over to where the belmonts have come onto the property, super soakers strapped to their backs. Franswa is not with them. They are all ready to spray the holy water everywhere. The vampires all scream and instantly turn into bats, flying away. That leaves sephiroth alone in the backyard with the armed belmonts)

Sephiroth: “Sh*t.”

(and before he can even react the belmonts shoot him with their super soakers, soaking him from head to foot.)

Simon: “Take that, scum!”

Sephiroth: *burning with anger* “THAT’S IT!” *takes out the masamune and chases them off the property*

(Meanwhile, back over at the ramble complex, rufus and algus sit on the porch swing, enjoying the nice evening. In the background zidane is cleaning the pee off the limo with a toothbrush. Suddenly the whole sky is overcome with bats. All three of them look up and watch in shock. Then one of the bats comes in and swoops down in front of them. The bat turns into alucard and before anyone can say or do anything, alucard throws up all over algus and rufus, covering them in blood puke from head to foot. Alucard then just passes out on the floor. Rufus and algus say nothing, they just sit there in disgusted shock. Sephiroth then passes by dripping wet and muttering something. He steps right over alucard and goes inside. Meanwhile zidane is still watching all of this from by the limo.)

Zidane: *tossing the toothbrush away* “Oh, f*&^ this.”

 

 

THE END

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