#138 – The Monster Mash Fiasco

Alcuard: *hand to head* “Kill me. I know it’s impossible, but find a way.”

Originally Published: 9/19/05 . 37 pages

Synopsis
Dracula and his monster pals are planning evil! Can the ramble gang stop him for another 100 years?

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

This was inspired by the awesomely campy movie Monster Squad, which everyone must watch. The basic plot – Dracula gathering the monsters, trying to stop him with the box and the medal and the virgin – that’s all borrowed from the movie. Everything else is pure ramble. Finding a virgin was pretty hard – I love how Irvine screws (haha) up the whole plan. And Dracula’s plan to lure children that he forgets about suddenly. The end of this ramble was actually conceived over IM. Most of the dialogue was composed there, and I just had to flesh it out a bit to make it work.

(we begin at dracula’s castle, where alucard walks into the study. There he finds the computer on and the printer printing out one page after another.)

Alucard: “Dad!? Dad?! Where are you?!”

(he notices the printer and with a sigh and a frown he goes over, picks up one of the pages, and reads it)

Alucard: *eyes wide* “Oh no. Not again.”

(he goes to run out of the room but almost crashes into death)

Alucard: “Sorry, Death. But have you seen dad?”

Death: “No. I’ve been trying to find him too. He left his headless doll tea party out on the veranda again.”

Alucard: *annoyed sigh*

Death: “Oh, and Ceberus escaped again. He’s chasing one of those humans.” *points out the window*

(alucard whirls around to the window where we see rufus running down the street like a maniac with mr. jingles’ stroller again, ceberus at his heels)

Rufus: “Oh god, why me?!?!”

Alucard: *deep sigh* “I’ll go get him. And while I’m at it, I should probably warn the neighbors.”

Death: “Don’t they know he’s dangerous? He does have three heads and a hunger for blood.”

Alucard: “No, not about the puppy. This.” *shows death the piece of paper*

Death: “Oh no. Not that again.”

Alucard: “Apparently it’s that time of the century again.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(alucard goes next door into the ramble room, where rufus is recounting his story to sephiroth, lark, reno, irvine, algus, zidane, tseng and reeve. The stroller is at his side, with mr. jingles hanging askew out of it)

Rufus: “We should sue! Someone could be seriously hurt! Come on! Those stupid vampires must have been collecting money since it was

*invented*! Imagine how much we could get! So who’s with me?”

Everyone: “…………..”

Tseng: “Alucard’s right behind you.”

Rufus: “What?!” *whirls around to face alucard* “Oh. Hey….buddy. What’s up?”

Alucard: “…Yeah. Anyway, I came to warn you.”

Rufus: “If it’s about the giant three headed dog in your backyard we’re already aware!”

Alucard: “It’s not about that. It’s about this.” *hands paper to lark*

Lark: *reading* “Dear fellow monsters. It’s that time of century again. Please meet me at my place and we will cause havoc all over town. Ha.ha.ha.ha.ha. Sincerely, your pal, Dracula.” *confused* “What the hell?”

Alcuard: *sigh* “Every 100 years dad tries to cook up this scheme where he gets together with all his pals and tries to take over. I don’t know how far it’ll go this time, I mean dad’s not in the same condition he was 100

years ago, but we’ll need some people to foil him, and you guys seem to be good at getting out of trouble.”

Reeve: “What do we have to do?”

Alucard: “Well, I can give you this book that gives you instructions. You guys speak German, right?”

Everyone: “…..No.”

Alucard: “What? Are you kidding me?” *to reeve* “Not even you?”

Reeve: “No, sorry. I speak French.”

Reno: “Can’t you just read it to us?”

Alucard: “No! It might kill me! I can’t even touch it.”

Rufus: “I thought nothing could kill you.”

Alucard: “Well, injure me badly, anyway. Somebody caked it in garlic.”

Irvine: “Gross.”

Alucard: “So will you help or not?”

Rufus: “This sounds like a job for those Belmont’s to me.”

Alucard: “….Yeah…they have this thing about wanting me dead, and I’d rather not go near their house.”

Algus: “Certainly I’ll help! I do not back down from a challenge! I offer my slave for the good of the mission!”

Zidane: “Thanks. Thanks a lot.”

Alucard: “Sephiroth, why don’t you come over and pick up the book?”

Sephiroth: *shrug* “Yeah, okay.”

Reno: “I hope this is not just some elaborate excuse so you can get Sephiroth to come over while fooling us into thinking you’re not doing it or something.”

Sephiroth: “What the hell?!”

Rufus: “Reno, only you would think of that.”

Reno: “What? It’s not like it’s never been done!”

Rufus: “I don’t wanna know…”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(so sephiroth goes over to alucard’s castle where he is led down into one of the creepy basements. He leads sephiroth to a dusty corner where there’s a locked chest. Alucard reaches into his pocket and takes out a clicker like you would use to open a car and presses a button. The box clicks open)

Alucard: “Nobody appreciates technology as much as me.”

(sephiroth goes over and removes the book which is covered in dust)

Sephiroth: *coughing* “Have you cleaned anything in the last century?”

Alucard: “There are about a hundred rooms in this castle that can pretty much change on a whim. What do you think?”

Sephiroth: “I think you should hire somebody. Vincent’s been really bored.”

Alucard: “Yeah. Has he always played the violin?”

Sephiroth: “No. And I wish he’d stop playing it outside my window at night!”

Alucard: “What is that tune he keeps playing?”

Sephiroth: “I don’t know. He probably wrote it himself or something.”

Alucard: “…Yeah. Anyway, you might want to go get started on that.”

Sephiroth: “You have a German/English dictionary lying around in this mess?”

Alucard: “Even if I did, it would be the next century before I found it.”

Sephiroth: “You might want to think about a tag sale.”

Alucard: “I’ll keep that in mind.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(so sephiroth returns to the ramble room where the gang is waiting for him)

Sephiroth: “Here’s the book.”

(he drops it on the table and dust flies everywhere)

Zidane: “…I just cleaned.”

Algus: “Stop complaining, slave. You love to keep busy.”

Zidane: “No… You love to *keep* me busy.”

(rufus opens the book and starts flipping through it)

Rufus: “This is pointless! It might as well be written in Ancient Greek!”

Reeve: “Maybe we should ask the Belmont’s for help.”

Lark: “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea… They’re always looking for a reason to get rid of Dracula and Alucard.”

Rufus: *cough*”Withgoodreason.”*cough*

Lark: “…Anyway, I think we should try and do this on our own.”

Reeve: “Now I really wish I had listened to those Learn German Quick and Easy tapes I got for Christmas.”

Reno: “Where did you get those?”

Reeve: “Office secret santa.”

Rude: “I got a paperweight that had ‘to Rufus love Scarlet’ engraved on it.”

Everyone: “……………” *looks at rufus*

Rufus: “What? That could have been any Rufus!”

Everyone: *still staring at him*

Rufus: “Look! Now is not the time to talk about what happened last Christmas! We’re about to have a monster invasion! And no one here knows how to stop it!”

Irvine: *thoughtfully* “Well, I did sleep with this foreign chick last night…”

Reno: “No, dude, she was just from New Jersey.”

Irvine: “She was? The blonde?”

Reno: “Dude. She had brown hair.”

Sephiroth: “Irvine, stop being such a manwhore or shut up!”

Lark: *takes the book* “Well there has to be someone around here who speaks German. What about Vincent?”

Sephiroth: *shudders* “Ugh. Don’t even mention that name around me.”

Lark: “Rufus, can’t you hire someone?”

Rufus: “I’m sorry, Lark, but I can’t hire somebody for every stupid little task.”

(then zell enters carrying mr. jingles in a snuggly)

Zell: “Rufus, can I get paid now? The new comics are out!”

Everyone: *looks at rufus*

Rufus: “Hey! Taking care of Mr. Jingles is not a stupid task!”

Tseng: “Uh, Rufus, you know a snuggly is for babies and not for inanimate stuffed animals, right?”

Rufus: “You shut up, Tseng!”

Lark: “Look you guys, we need to find someone who speaks German and fast! We’re running out of time here!”

?????????: *from outside* “Gya………………haa haa!”

Reeve: “…Did you guys hear that?”

?????????: *from outside* “Gya haa haa!”

Zidane: “It’s Heidegger!”

(sure enough the door opens and there’s heidegger in all his fat glory)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Garlic!”

Algus: “You smelled the garlic all the way from your shack?”

Heidegger: *goes for the book* “Gya haa haa! Snack!”

All the guys: *to lark* “Don’t let him eat the book!”

Lark: *stands on her tiptoes while holding the book over her head* “Heidegger! Stop it! How did you get in here? Unless you can read

German, you can leave right now!”

Heidegger: *stops trying to eat book* “I can read German! Gya haa haa!”

Lark: *blink blink* “You can?”

Reeve: *to rufus* “He speaks German?”

Rufus: “I don’t know! What do I look like, his school teacher?”

Reeve: “He works for you!”

Rufus: “And he works *with* you, and I don’t see you knowing the answer!”

Heidegger: “It’s on my resume! Gya haa haa!”

Reeve: “Haven’t you seen his resume?”

Rufus: “No! He’s been working at Shinra since dinosaurs roamed the Earth!”

Reeve: “Um, Rufus-“

Tseng: “Just don’t, Reeve.”

Lark: “Should I let him read it?”

Sephiroth: “Do we really have a choice? I just wouldn’t let him touch it.”

Lark: “Ugh. Here, you hold it.” *gives it to seph*

Sephiroth: “Thanks. Thanks a lot.” *he opens up the book* “Read away.”

Lark: “Somebody should write down what he says.”

Zell: “Ooh, I’ll do it!” *grabs paper*

Heidegger: *reading* “The book you gya haa haa! Hold gya haa haa! Is the only way to gya haa haa! Send Dracula away for another 100 years gya haa haa!”

Zell: “Um, am I supposed to be writing the gya haa haas?”

Everyone else: “No!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back at dracula’s castle, alucard is finishing up tying ceberus to the tree in the backyard when dracula wanders out)

Alucard: “Dad! There you are! Where have you been?”

Dracula: “…I don’t know…but there were a lot of leaves around me.”

Alucard: “…Did you fall into the bush again?”

Dracula: “The what?”

Alucard: “…Never mind.”

Dracula: “Anyway, Alucard, you better go make some rooms up for my friends that are coming to sleepover! Ooh! And can you make some of those Bloodsicles again? Those are yummy!”

Alucard: “Dad, can you please think twice about doing this? It never works. We’ll just end up with guts and limbs all over the kitchen again.”

Dracula: “Mmm…guts and limbs…” *drool*

Alucard: “Please, dad. I’m just going to have someone stop you anyway.”

Dracula: “Too late! I already sent out the invites! Now where did I put those party hats?”

(he wanders inside. Alucard sighs deeply and ceberus licks his face)

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile next door, zell is putting writing up the last of what heidegger is saying when Ashley and shell enter. Everyone looks pretty bored.)

Heidegger: “The end! Gya haa haa!”

Sephiroth: “Thank god! Okay, thank you, get lost!”

Heidegger: “I expect payment! Gya haa haa!”

Lark: *sigh* “Rufus, give him twenty bucks.”

Heidegger: “I can’t eat that! Gya haa haa!”

Lark: “Yeah, but think of all the food you could buy *with* it.”

Rufus: “Not like his fat ass doesn’t eat anything anyway!”

Zell: “I’m on my sixth pen because he ate the rest!”

Heidegger: “Inkily delicious! Gya haa haa!”

Rufus: *hands him a twenty* “Here. Now go away.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa!” *eats the money and waddles away*

Everyone: “…………………”

Rufus: “…Did he…just eat the money I gave him?”

Algus: *pats him on the shoulder* “Try not to think about it.”

Rufus: “If I wanted to waste money I would just see a movie with Ben Affleck in it!”

Reeve: “Ouch.”

Ashley: “Hey…what’s going on here?”

Lark: *sigh* “Nothing much. Apparently Dracula is trying to get together a bunch of monsters to cause havoc and we’re trying to put a stop to it.”

Ashley: “Is that what it is this week?”

Shell: “Bor~ring.”

Zell: “So you want me to read back what I have?”

Reeve: “Let me see it.” *he reads it over* “Oh boy.”

Everyone: “What?”

Reeve: “Well, it seems like we have until midnight tonight to find this medal thing and find a virgin to read this passage in German to put Dracula in this swirling vortex and put a stop to all this.”

Tseng: “Why is it always midnight?”

Zidane: “And a virgin!”

Reeve: “And it has to be a girl.”

Guys: *look at girls*

Zell: “Hurry! We need to find a virgin!”

Girls: “………………”

Ashley: “Well don’t look in this room!”

Irvine: “I deflowered a bunch of them, but I don’t know any.”

Sephiroth: “I already told you to shut up, manwhore!”

Algus: “Well let us think of other females we know.”

Everyone: *thinks*

Zell: “Hey! What about Elena?”

Seifer: “She’s pregnant, you idiot!”

Zell: “From artificial insemination, dofus!”

Irvine: “Been there, done that.”

Everyone: “Irvine!”

Irvine: “What?”

Reno: “What about Bria?”

Reeve: “Uh, no. That would be me.”

Tseng: “Reeve!”

Reeve: “What? I was straight then!”

Vincent: “…Rinoa?”

Ashley: “Oh please. Squall tapped that years ago.”

Seifer: “Selphie?”

Irvine: “Me again.”

Shell: “Quistis?”

Irvine: “Still me.”

Zidane: “Yuffie?”

Irvine: “Her too.”

Rufus: “I know! What about my sister Sunshine?”

Irvine: *rubbing the back of his neck* “Uh…I don’t think that would work either.”

Everyone: “Irvine!”

Reno: “All right!” *high fives irvine*

Rufus: “How dare you high five about scoring with my sister! You’re fired for an hour!”

Reno: “Extra high five!” *high fives irvine*

Lark: “Well what about this medal thingy? We should focus on finding that first.”

Sephiroth: “I really think finding the virgin is going to be a bigger problem, considering Irvine has screwed every female in the

tri-dimension area!”

Lark: “And you’re part of that problem! So go over to Alucard’s and ask him about the medal!”

Sephiroth: “I never had sex with any virgins! And don’t even try to suggest yourself!”

Tseng: “A*hem*.”

Sephiroth: “Oh you’re a man! And it’s not like you haven’t been around the block a million times since!”

Tseng: “What has that got to do with anything?!”

Lark: “Sephiroth! Just go!”

Sephiroth: “Why does it always have to be me?”

Lark: “Because you’re dating him!”

Sephiroth: “Where’s that dofus fiancee of yours? Isn’t this right up his alley? I’m sure he’s played some dumb video game that involved getting some stupid thing from a vampire.”

Lark: “He probably has, but that’s beside the point. He’s not here right now. You’re on your own.”

Sephiroth: “Fine. But don’t say I haven’t been doing anything.”

Tseng: “Alucard is what you’ve been doing.”

Sephiroth: “Oh, shut up, Tseng!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, all the belmonts except franswa have wedged binoculars between the blinds on the windows and are looking at dracula’s where all the monsters are arriving. Franswa is pouring lemonade into glasses)

Richter: “Look! It’s the Mummy! He’s got the Mummy over there!”

Trevor: “And the Creature from the Black Lagoon is getting out of that limo!”

Simon: “And Frankenstein! I see Frankenstein back there!”

Juste: “And there goes the Wolfman!”

Trevor: “It’s a regular monster gathering all right! He’s planning something evil over there!”

Juste: “We have to do something!”

(a timer goes off in the background)

Franswa: “It’s medication time!”

(juste, trevor and simon go over and get their pills. Richter goes over to his son)

Richter: “Son, I think it’s about high time you did something useful.”

Franswa: “I cook and clean for this entire house! That isn’t useful!?”

Richter: “You’re forgetting the greater good, Franswa! Somebody needs to go spy on those vampires!”

Franswa: “Then you do it! I have a turkey defrosting in the sink!”

Richter: “You know I have a bad back!”

Franswa: *tears in his eyes* “How about you all starve then? Huh? How’d you like that?!” *runs off crying*

Richter: *sigh* “I tried.”

Trevor: *is looking out the window* “Look! It’s that weird fellow from the ramble room who’s dating the heathen being!”

(the others hurry over to look)

Richter: “I wonder what he’s up to…”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(and across the street sephiroth goes over to alucard’s and rings the doorbell. There’s a lot of commotion inside before alucard finally

answers)

Alucard: *looks drained* “Now’s not a good time.”

Dracula’s voice: *from upstairs* “Alucard! The Creature from the Black Lagoon needs mud for his bath! Where do we keep the mud?”

Alucard: *calls up to him* “In a minute, dad!” *weary sigh* “So please tell me you found someone who speaks German.”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, but now we’re looking for some kind of medal thing.”

Alucard: “Dammit. I forgot about that. Umm…” *thinks*

Dracula’s voice: *from upstairs* “Alucard! Can you bring up Frankenstein’s rubber ducky?”

Alucard: *calls up* “In a minute!” *still thinking*

Sephiroth: “Do you know what I’m talking about or not?”

Alucard: “I do! I’ve just had a long life! You can’t expect me to remember everything at the drop of a hat!”

Dracula’s voice: *from upstairs* “Alucard! One of the Mummy’s fingers fell off! Bring bandages!”

Alucard: *through clenched teeth* “I said IN A MINUTE!” *to sephiroth* “Look! I can’t have everything to defeat my own father in the basement!  Why don’t you ask the Belmont’s? They’re spying on us as we speak.”

(alucard waves and sephiroth turns around to watch the blinds quickly shut at the house across the street)

Alucard: “See???”

Sephiroth: “Okay, well-“

Dracula’s voice: *from upstairs* “Alucard?”

Alucard: “I SAID IN A MINUTE!”

(and the door slams in sephiroth’s face)

Sephiroth: “…This isn’t worth my time.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(and so sephiroth returns to the ramble room, where seifer, vincent and auron have joined the group. Brady has also arrived.)

Lark: “So what did you discover?”

Sephiroth: “That Frankenstein has a rubber ducky, but that’s about it.”

Seifer: “Frankenstein has a rubber ducky? Hahahaha!!”

Brady: “Frankenstein is over there?”

Sephiroth: “And the Mummy and the Creature from the Black Lagoon and who knows what the hell else.”

Lark: “What about the medal?”

Sephiroth: “He said to ask the Belmont’s.”

Lark: “Well…did you ask?”

Sephiroth: “No! I’m not going near their house! When Blacky escaped that time I went over to ask if they’d seen him, and they threw holy water down at me from the upstairs windows!”

Auron: *snort*

Sephiroth: “Don’t start with me, Auroran.”

Lark: *sigh* “Fine. I’ll go over there. Who wants to come with me?”

Brady: “I will.”

Zell: “Me too!”

Reeve: “I’ll go.”

Tseng: “Then I guess I will too.”

Sephiroth: “Oh sure! Everybody go with Lark! Meanwhile when I go out nobody volunteers!”

Irvine: “Doesn’t take a genius to figure out why.”

Sephiroth: “Nobody asked you, cowboy geek.”

Rufus: “Nobody had to.”

Sephiroth: “That’s it! If nobody wants to be around me, there’s no need for me to help!”

(he stomps out, slamming the door behind him.)

Lark: “…Okay. In the meantime, why don’t you guys work on finding someone to read the passage?”

Algus: “You can count on us!”

(so lark and her group leave. Everyone stands around in silence for a moment)

Zidane: “So, uh….where we gonna find a virgin?”

Everyone: “…………………”

Seifer: “…At the nun…place?”

(Ashley and shell exchange a look)

Ashley: “…We’ve got a lot of work to do.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(so lark, Brady, tseng, reeve and zell go over to the belmonts and ring the doorbell)

Zell: *sniffs the air* “I smell ginger snaps!”

Lark: “We don’t have time for cookies, Zell. We need to get the information and be on our way. We only have till midnight. What time is it now?”

Reeve: *checking watch* “5 o’clock. That gives us seven hours.”

(the door opens, and there is franswa)

Franswa: “Oh good. It’s you guys.”

Brady: “Who did you think it was?”

Franswa: “UPS. I have no place left to store any more holy water, despite what *they* tell me.”

Trevor’s voice: *from inside* “Franswa? Is that the UPS man?”

Franswa: *calls back* “No!” *to the group* “So is this about the vampires?”

Lark: “Yeah.”

Brady: “Yeah.”

Zell: “Yup! Do you have cookies baking?”

Franswa: *sigh* “Yeah. Come on in.” *he starts walking inside* “Hey, fogies! You have visitors that want to talk about vampires!”

(the group walks into the living room where the elder belmonts are pulling themselves away from the window. In the background the price is right is on tv)

Juste: “Ah, vampires! Our favorite subject!”

Trevor: “Have you come to talk about the monster gathering across the street?”

Lark: “Yeah. We got this book that was written in German and it told us-“

Simon: “We know.”

Richter: “We’re the Belmont’s, remember?”

Lark: “…Right. Anyway, now we’re looking for the medal thing the book was talking about.”

Juste: “Ah, yes. The medal….”

Trevor: “Hmmm…”

Simon: “Whatever happened to that thing?”

Brady: “Do you have it or not?”

Juste: “We did…”

Trevor: “Simon, didn’t you-“

Simon: “Don’t point the finger at me, great-grandfather! I thought I handed it down to Juste!”

Juste: “I don’t have it anymore, grandfather! I gave it to my son!”

Richter: “No you didn’t! I would have remembered that!”

Trevor: “I specifically remember giving it to Christopher. And he must have passed it down to that good for nothing son of his!”

Simon: “How could you talk about my father like that! Solieyu Belmont was a great vampire hunter!”

Trevor: “He let himself get possessed by that demon Dracula!”

Simon: “So did Richter! And the vampire’s son had to save him!”

Richter: “Leave me out of this!”

Ramble gang: “………….”

Tseng: *whispers* “Are you following this?”

Reeve: *whispers* “No.”

Zell: *whispers* “Where are my cookies?”

(franswa enters with a plate of cookies as all the belmont elders are yelling at each other)

Franswa: *sigh* “What are they all arguing about now?”

Zell: *grabbing handfuls of cookies* “This medal that makes Dracula go away.”

Franswa: *heavy sigh* “That thing? I’ll be right back.”

(he hands zell the plate of cookies and goes upstairs)

Trevor: “Solieyu Belmont is a disgrace to the Belmont name! He never fought any vampires! He’s almost as bad as Franswa!”

Richter: “You leave my son out of this!”

Simon: “He’s a pansy! I’m surprised he hasn’t been possessed by Dracula five times already!!”

Reeve: *whispers* “This is making me very uncomfortable…”

Lark: *whispers* “Just suck it up. I’m sure Franswa will be right back.”

Juste: “Now, now! This isn’t about Franswa!”

Trevor: “Look who’s talking Mr. ‘I decorated a room in Dracula’s castle’.”

Juste: “That room is a masterpiece! You’re just jealous!”

(this causes them to all start yelling at once until no one can tell what anyone is screaming about. The group just stands there looking

uncomfortable, except for zell, who’s shoving the last bits of cookie into his mouth. Finally franswa returns holding a medal)

Franswa: “Here you are. I’ve been using it as a coaster.”

Lark: *takes it* “Thanks.”

Belmont elders: *overlapping* “YOU’RE LUCKY YOU WERE NEVER POSSESSED BY DRACULA, YOU NIMCOMPOOP!/YOU’RE THE DISGRACE!/I’M SURPRISED YOU WERE ABLE TO EVEN HOLD THE BELMONT WHIP!/ALUCARD DIDN’T NEED TO SAVE ME! I WAS JUST FAKING!”

Lark: “….You gonna be okay?”

Franswa: “Oh please. They get like this at least once a day.” *he puts his fingers in his mouth and whistles making the older men pay attention* “Hey! Old guys! Did you forget? There are vampires across the street!”

Simon: *declares* “They’re plotting evil!”

(and they all run back to peering out the window with the binoculars)

Franswa: “Works every time.”

Brady: “Thanks for the medal!”

Zell: “And the cookies!” *hands him empty plate*

Franswa: *stares at empty plate* “Guess I better get back in the kitchen.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back across the street, sephiroth stomps up to alucard’s front door and bangs on it angrily. Alucard opens it a moment later, and he’s a wreck. His hair is all tousled and he has streaks of some red substance across his face)

Sephiroth: *blink blink* “What happened to you?”

Alucard: *dead stare* “Dad and his friends decided they wanted to bake in case they got the munchies later.”

Sephiroth: *blink blink* “…Please tell me that’s strawberry jam smeared across your face.”

Alucard: “You keep telling yourself that’s what it is.”

Sephiroth: “This is why I don’t eat anything at your house. And have you seen your hair?”

Alucard: “I don’t even want to think about it.” *steps aside* “Come inside…if you dare.”

Sephiroth: “…Can you not sound like the start of a horror movie?”

Alucard: “This *is* a horror movie.”

(so sephiroth comes inside and follows alucard into the kitchen where dracula, frankenstein, the mummy, the creature from the black lagoon and the wolfman are standing around with various bowls and spoons and baking things scattered everywhere. They’re all covered in flour and there are also some ingredients that normal people would not use in their baking lying around)

Dracula: “Oh, Alucard! I see your girlfriend is here! You should introduce her to everyone!”

Sephiroth: “For gods sake! I’m not a f*#$%(% girl you shriveled up old geezer!” *to alucard* “Aren’t you going to stick up for me?”

Alucard: *tired sigh* “In case you can’t tell I’ve given up long ago.”

Sephiroth: “…Thanks a lot.”

Alucard: “So meet Frankenstein, the Mummy, the Wolfman, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon. The Mummy can’t talk, but he’s really mastered sign language. And the Wolfman and the Creature from the Black Lagoon aren’t going to speak any language you’ll understand. And Frankenstein can talk, but I wouldn’t exactly discuss Shakespeare with him.”

Frankenstein: *holding up a cookie cutter shaped like a dog* “Puppy!”

Sephiroth: “…Okay, I’ve seen enough.”

Dracula: “Alucard, where is Death? I want him to join the party!”

Alucard: “Death has to work, dad, remember?

Dracula: “Since when does Death have a job? He quit Arby’s months ago…”

Alucard: “…Death never worked at Arby’s, dad. He’s freakin’ DEATH!”

Dracula: “…What’s Arby’s?”

Alucard: “ARGH!”

(he stalks away and sephiroth quickly follows)

Dracula: *calling after* “Alucard! Where do we keep the pickled toenails?”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back in the ramble room they’re trying to think of a virgin…)

All: “………………………” *thinking*

Seifer: “Hey! I know! What about Scarlet?”

Ashley: *smacks him in the back of the head*

Seifer: *grabs the back of his head* “Ow! What the heck did you do that for?”

Ashley: “Because you’re just too stupid to be believed!”

Algus: “It is proving rather difficult to find a pure woman these days.”

Rufus: “There must be someone Irvine hasn’t had sex with yet!”

Everyone: “………………” *looks at irvine*

Irvine: “Yeah. Like I can be expected to think of everyone!”

Everyone: “…………….” *thinking more*

Rude: “… … …Tifa?”

Everyone: *exchange looks*

Reno: “…No way…”

Zidane: “Isn’t she a huge skank?”

Seifer: “She definitely has huge boobs!”

Ashley: *hits him*

Seifer: “Ow!”

Shell: “I bet Irvine had sex with her years ago! Right, Irvine?”

Irvine: *thinking* “…No… I don’t think I have…”

Everyone: “…………..”

Ashley: “She can’t be!”

Vincent: “At this point it may be wise to inquire.”

Auron: “Agreed.”

Algus: “We must locate her at once!”

(so they all run into the tv room where tifa is with cloud, who is watching the teletubbies on tv and bouncing up and down and clapping his hands happily. tifa looks so bored she’s going to die)

Tifa: “Cloud, after this I am turning the Teletubbies marathon off.”

Reno: “Hey, Tifa.”

(tifa looks up to see everyone standing around the couch looking at her)

Tifa: “Oh. Hi…everybody.”

Ashley: “Hey, Tifa. Um…we have kind of a personal question for you.”

Tifa: *sweat drops* “Okay…”

Algus: “Have you ever engaged in the act of…sexual intercourse?”

Tifa: *flushes* “What?! Why are you asking me that?!”

Rufus: “Because we need to find a virgin in order to stop Dracula!”

Tifa: “What?! That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!”

Shell: “Is it really?”

Tifa: “…I guess not. But I’m not telling you!”

Reno: “Come on, Tifa! We’ve been trying to find a virgin all afternoon!”

Irvine: “And you’re the only girl around here I haven’t knocked boots with. …Yet.” *wink wink*

Rufus: “You’ve knocked enough boots, man whore!”

Vincent: “I know this may sound odd, Tifa. But it is rather urgent.”

Tifa: *sigh* “Fine. If you must know… I…am a virgin.”

Everyone: “Really?!”

Zidane: “But I thought you were a skank!”

Tifa: “I am not! Everyone just thinks I am because I have a big chest!”

Ashley: “…Can I ask why?”

Tifa: “…………..” *crosses arms across her chest* “If you must know…I’ve been saving myself for Cloud.”

Everyone: “…………..” *looks at cloud who is now dancing around in circles to the teletubbies humming to himself*

Reno: “….You’re f*#$%#@ kidding me, right?”

Rufus: “He’s brain dead!”

Shell: “And gay!”

Tifa: “I can’t help it! I love him!” *starts sobbing*

Vincent: *sigh* “Oh, how I can relate.”

Auron: *frowns* “Sometimes you just have to move on.”

Seifer: “So, uh, I guess we should talk to Lark now, huh.”

Tifa: *sobbing* “No one will ever love me!”

Everyone: “……………….” *looks uncomfortable*

Algus: “…Let’s go fetch Miss Lark.”

Reno: “Yeah.”

Rufus: “Let’s go.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

 

(meanwhile, back next door at the castle, alucard and sephiroth are upstairs just sitting around looking bored)

Alucard: “……………….”

Sephiroth: “…………So….you…wanna fool around or something?”

(then suddenly from downstairs you hear the song ‘the wheels on the bus’ start to play really, really, loudly. Sephiroth and alucard both cover their ears)

Sephiroth: “What the hell?!?!”

Alucard: “I thought I took that tape away from him!” *gets up and runs to the edge of the stairs* “DAD! TURN THAT DOWN!”

Dracula: *singing from downstairs* “The wheels on the bus go ’round and ’round all the way to school! Ha ha ha! Oh, Alucard! You’re missing the fun! We’re doing the limbo next!”

Alucard: “If you break your backbone again I am not taking you to the monster emergency clinic!”

Dracula: “Oh, that’s what you always say! Hahaha!”

Alucard: *twitch*

(the music is lowered)

Sephiroth: “Are you *sure* we need to do this whole vortex thing to try and stop him? All that’s going on downstairs is a freakin’ children’s birthday party!”

Dracula’s voice: *from downstairs* “Ooh, the clown is here!”

Alucard: *twitch* “They better not try to pay him in fingers again, because if the police come…”

Sephiroth: *taking him by the arm* “Maybe we better go outside.”

(he leads alucard outside where ceberus is napping under a huge tree. Alucard stays in the shade, because, you know, he is half vampire)

Alucard: “Argh! And I used to think the non-stop killing was bad! There’s no end to this!”

Sephiroth: “Well don’t worry. I’m sure Lark and the band of idiots will fix everything like always. He’ll go into the vortex and then…then…then I don’t know what happens.”

Alucard: “You know what happens? Nothing. It just means he won’t be able to summon his friends for another hundred years, and I’ll have to go through this whole thing again.”

Sephiroth: “I’m not really the type to try to make you feel better. I–” *he suddenly turns around toward the fence* “…I thought I just saw someone looking over here.”

Alucard: *sigh* “It’s just the Belmont’s again. What else have they got to do?” *calls* “I know you’re there, Belmont’s!”

Trevor’s voice: *from behind the fence* “You know nothing, you demon spawn of satan!”

Simon’s voice: “The power of Christ compels you!”

(and with that simon stands up behind the fence with a big cup and goes to splash the stuff onto alucard. Only alucard quickly moves behind sephiroth and it hits him instead)

Sephiroth: *now soaking wet* “Dammit! What the hell?! You damn Belmont’s!” *whips out masamune*

Simon: “We need more holy water!!”

Trevor: “Back to the Belmont sanctuary!”

(they both run away as sephiroth angrily chases them to the edge of the property with his sword)

Alucard: “Sorry about that. But feeling like I was on fire for a week really wouldn’t have made my day any better.”

Sephiroth: *moving his soggy bangs out of his face* “Yeah. I know. But can I get a towel? And some hair gel?”

Alucard: “You look so cute like that. I’d kiss you, but it would hurt.”

Sephiroth: “I know.”

???????: *from behind the fence* “Franswa, what are you doing?”

Franswa: *pops up from behind the fence in tears* “Oh why oh why can’t it ever be me?” *runs off crying*

Alucard: *looks at sephiroth*

Sephiroth: *looks at alucard*

Alucard: “Are there any more Belmont’s back there?”

Richter’s voice: “No… No Belmont’s here!”

Juste’s voice: “Just bunnies! Amazing talking bunnies who are kind of curious how the room they decorated in the castle looks now!”

Alucard: *sigh* “It’s not even worth my time.”

Dracula: *comes running outside with his pals wearing a party hat and holding another* “Look, Alucard! I brought one for you!” *sticks it on his head*

Alucard: *is so very dead inside* “Oh joy.”

Creature from the Black Lagoon: “Ger Rrr Url Ratch Urk?”

Alucard: *sigh* “They’re in the fridge behind the goat head.”

Wolfman: *howls*

Alucard: “You’re welcome.”

(the monsters start to head back inside)

Dracula: *dancing* “Let’s ask the clown if he wants some!”

Alucard: “Dad, don’t even bring the clown into the kitchen!” *sigh* “I’m thirsty. Do you want some Kool Aid?”

Sephiroth: “…Is it *real* Kool Aid, or is it the blood mixed with water that your dad *calls* Kool Aid?”

Alucard: “…I don’t even know.”

Sephiroth: “Then forget it.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(so lark, Brady, zell, reeve, and tseng are standing in the middle of the street looking at this medal while reeve reads the notes. Then they see all the belmonts high tailing it across the street from alucard’s yard. Franswa in tears)

Brady: “What the hell?”

Tseng: “How long have we been standing here?”

Zell: “Long enough that I watched this snail cross the whole street!”

Tseng: “Hurry up, Reeve!”

Reeve: “Sorry! Zell’s handwriting is a mess!”

Zell: “Well I had to write while trying to keep Heidegger from eating my pens!”

Lark: “We’re running out of time!”

Reeve: “Well we need to get the virgin and have her read a very specific passage from the book while holding the medal.”

Brady: *inspecting the medal* “Well this thing is about a million trillion years old.”

Lark: “Perfect timing, because here comes Rufus and the rest.”

(so the gang that was just with tifa in the tv room come running up to them. Well, most of them anyway…)

Reno: “We found a virgin!”

Ashley: “It’s Tifa!”

Lark, Brady, Zell, Reeve and Tseng: “Really?!”

Zell: “I thought she was a skank!”

Shell: “She said she was saving herself for Cloud.”

Lark’s group: “What?!”

Reno: “I know. Whatever she’s smoking, I want.”

Lark: “So…where is she?”

Reno: “What?”

Lark: “…Where is Tifa…?”

Reno: “Well, she’s right…” *looks around* “Huh.” *scratches head* “Where is she…”

Tseng: “And where is Irvine?”

Rufus: *paling* “He was just with us…”

(a second of silence passes before everyone looks panicked and runs back to the ramble room. They find irvine outside the tv room zipping up his pants)

Irvine: “Howdy, everyone! Now where did you all run off to?”

Rufus: “Where is Tifa, you idiot?!”

Irvine: “Oh, she’s inside. She’s still a little tired after riding the Irvine express, if you know what I mean.” *wink wink*

Rufus: *through clenched teeth* “…Do you mean to say…that you just had sex…WITH THE LAST VIRGIN IN THE RAMBLE ROOM?!”

Irvine: “I couldn’t let a hot chick like that go untapped! That’s just a crime where I come from.”

Rufus: “You stupid hick! Haven’t you been paying attention!?”

Algus: “You roguish peasant! You’ve now ruined everything!”

Seifer: “Thanks a lot, jerk! Now Dracula’s gonna eat us all!”

Reno: “Dude…I don’t even wanna high five you.” *quietly* “Not with everyone around anyway.”

Lark: “Irvine…I have no words.”

Tseng: *sigh* “Does it *have* to be a girl, Reeve?”

Reeve: *reading over the notes* “Well, it says it has to be someone who fancies men…”

Auron: “Then perhaps a homosexual man would fit the bill?”

Vincent: “Ah, genius.”

Tseng: “I don’t think that’s going to be any easier to find.”

Lark: “Wait a minute.” *thinks* “I have an idea…”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back next door…sephiroth’s hair is all dried up and has been fixed. He is putting the final hair gel on in alucard’s room when dracula comes in with his friends holding a list)

Dracula: “Alucard, do you want any hearts or not?”

Alucard: “Dad, what are you talking about?”

Dracula: “The hearts of all the children we’re going to attract with the elaborate party I’ve set up downstairs! We’ll be feasting for months!”

Alucard: “You told me you don’t want to eat children anymore!”

Dracula: “Alucard, stop trying to put things into my head!”

Sephiroth: “He’s gonna eat children? I thought the party was for him!”

Mummy: *makes frantic gestures*

Alucard: “No. No. Out of the question.”

Creature from the Black Lagoon: “Gurk tur Lak Ook!”

Alucard: “No! You may not put an ad in the paper for free puppies to get the children to come.”

Dracula: “Fine, Alucard. We don’t need your help.”

Frankenstein: “…Puppies?”

Wolfman: *growls*

Alucard: “Hey! You can’t insult me like that in my own house!”

(dracula and his pals leave)

Sephiroth: “…Okay. Looks like we’re gonna need that vortex.”

Alucard: “What’s taking them so long?!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(so the whole group is back on the belmonts doorstep. Franswa opens the door)

Franswa: *sigh* “I’m out of cookies, okay? I haven’t had time to bake anymore.”

Seifer and Zell: “Dammit!”

Franswa: “If you wanna talk about vampires, be my guest.” *gestures inside*

Lark: “Actually, Franswa, I wanna talk to you.”

Franswa: “Me? I don’t know anything about vampires. Nothing I wanna know anyway.”

Lark: “Look, I hate to sound forward, but we’re running out of time. Are you a virgin?”

Franswa: “What?!” *blushes* “Um, maybe.”

Reno: “That means yes!”

Lark: “And you’re gay, right?”

Franswa: “I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

Lark: “You have a crush on Alucard!”

Franswa: *blushing furiously* “I do not!” *quietly* “Please don’t tell my dad. He already hates me! I don’t know what he’d do if he found out…”

Lark: “I think he already knows.”

Franswa: “What?!”

Lark: “Look, I need your help. I need to you to come outside and hold that medal thing and read a passage in German.”

Franswa: “Is this to stop the vampires? Because I don’t want to have anything to do with them ever!”

Lark: “Please, Franswa! You’re the only virgin who likes men left in the whole area!”

Franswa: “I’m such a loser!”

(lark looks around. It’s getting dark out)

Lark: “Franswa, please! We haven’t got all day here!”

Trevor: *from inside* “Franswa! Come hear about the time I defeated Dracula!”

Franswa: *twitch* “Fine. I’ll do it.”

(so lark grabs him by the wrist and they start to run out into the street. And just as they do dracula and all his friends plus alucard and sephiroth come out of the castle. Alucard is chasing after his dad. Dracula and the monsters are all holding weapons)

Alucard: “Dad! Wait!”

Lark: “It’s okay, Alucard! We’ve got everything we need.”

Alucard: “Oh. Finally!”

Rufus: “Sorry! But Irvine has this thing about screwing every virgin on the block!”

Franswa: *looks at irvine* “Really?”

Irvine: “Uh, that’s every *female* virgin. Sorry.”

Sephiroth: “Well get reading already!”

(Brady hands franswa the book but before he can read anything, dracula stops and drops his crossbow)

Dracula: “I’m bored. Let’s play Mouse Trap!”

Alucard: “…Dad, you just set up this whole elaborate scheme involving monsters from around the world. Everybody took the time to come here and paid for their plane tickets. You can’t just stop now! Especially since these people went through a lot of trouble to try and stop you!”

Dracula: “I did what?”

Alucard: *hits himself in the head*

Dracula: “Alucard, why is that man wrapped in bandages? He looks in need of medical attention.”

Alucard: “That’s your friend the Mummy, dad. Remember?”

Dracula: “Alucard, get me my first aid kit.”

Alucard: “Dad-“

Dracula: “Something smells of fish and it’s making me hungry. Hey creature, would you like some salmon?”

Alucard: “Dad, that’s the Creature from the Black Lagoon.”

Dracula: “The black lagoon, eh? I’ve heard nice things. Do they have a  spa?”

Alucard: “Dad-“

Dracula: “I could use some soothing mud on my skin. I’m so pale!”

Alucard: “Dad-!”

Dracula: “And these circles under my eyes! I look like I’ve been dead for years!”

Alucard: “I give up!”

Dracula: “Hey, wait a minute… isn’t that the movie with the boy and girl stranded on the island? I remember there being a really hot sex scene in that film!” *rocking hips in a suggestive manner* “Oh yeah! Ride it like it’s hot!”

Everyone: *looks uncomfortable*

Alucard: “Great, now I’m gonna be scarred for eternity with that horrible image.”

Sephiroth: “I’m dying inside as we speak.”

Alcuard: *hand to head* “Kill me. I know it’s impossible, but find a way.”

Reno: “…He can’t *really* have sex, can he?”

Irvine: “…Dude. No. Just…no.”

Reno: “What?”

Irvine: “…No.”

Reno: “I mean he’s like a hundred million billion years old. And he’s dead. It can’t work, can it?” *to reeve* “Can it?”

Reeve: “What the-!? What are you looking at me for!?”

Reno: “Well, Alucard’s obviously has to work…”

Rufus: “EW!!! Too much information!!”

Reno: *to sephiroth* “Am I right or what?”

Sephiroth: “Would you let it go!”

Reno: “…I’m right.”

Sephiroth: “LET IT GO!”

Dracula: “I’m dancing with myself!”

Reno: “If that was considered dancing I wouldn’t get thrown out of so many clubs!”

Franswa: “…Can I go home now?”

Lark: “I wanna go home too.”

Creature from the Black Lagoon: “Uok Cack Taluk!”

Alucard: *sigh* “Yeah, I’ll drive you to the airport.”

Sephiroth: “Driving a bunch of monsters to the airport sounds like the best idea ever right about now!”

Dracula: *still doing it* “I’m so excited! And I just can’t hide it!”

Brady: “…What should we do?”

Reeve: “Just start backing away slowly.”

(alucard, sephiroth and the monsters leave. Everyone else starts to slowly back away as dracula keeps on going, totally unaware of what’s going on. Then death comes over, looking tired, like he’s had a long day)

Death: “Good evening, my lord. It’s been a tough night, but -” *sees what he’s doing* “What are you doing?”

Dracula: “When I think about you I touch myself! Whoo!”

Death: “…………”

Everyone: “…………….”

Lark: “RUN!”

(and everyone makes a run for it, leaving death alone with the still suggestively dancing dracula)

Death: “…Just when I think I’ve seen it all…”

THE END

 

 

 

 

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