#135 – Life Is Taxing (part two)

Kiros: “Ward says Laguna can be presumed dead by now! Let’s go!”

Originally Published: 5/30/05 . 50 pages

Will the gang be successful in convincing the bidders that the land is no good? Or will they be forced to relocate?

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

Boy, there are a lot of family reunions and reoccurring characters in these rambles. My favorite being Trent Varsity and Sunshine. I hadn’t read this pair in awhile and I forgot how funny they were. Usually if I use too many characters things get a little crazy, but that didn’t really happen here. Okay, let’s talk Sephiorth and Alucard. When I went to write this ramble I honestly was not planning on making that happen. It was one of those things that “wrote itself”. I’m glad it happened because it allowed for a lot of Sephiroth and Vincent drama down the road. Here is a confession – the whole thing with Cait Sith being blamed for the tax evasion, something similar happened on The Simpsons where Mr. Burns said a canary was the real owner of the plant. And I love the ending here, with all the crazy things everyone is doing and Lark’s response, which calls back the end of the very first ramble.

(meanwhile, back in the world of resident evil, where no one should ever want to go, the group, still minus seph and alucard, have come to the office cousin maxwell directed them to.)

Opal: *sigh* “That poor, poor, sheep. I wish there was something I could do…”

Twilight: “Opal, it’s way too late to save that sheep.”

Brady: “Okay, here we are. Now everyone be on alert. We don’t know what kind of freaks work in this building. So we should be ready for anything.” *he knocks and draws weapon*

(and suddenly the door opens, and vincent gasps. because who is standing there, but none other than lucratia?!?!)

Vincent: *gasp* “Lucretia???”

Lucretia: “…Vincent? What are you doing here?”

Brady: “Lucretia? Sephiroth’s mother Lucretia?”

Lucretia: “Yes… Who are you?”

Brady: “I’m Brady, Lark’s fiancé.”

Lucretia: “Lark’s fiancé? I thought she was dating my son.”

Vincent: “No, he and I are back together.”

Auron: “…Sort of.”

Lucretia: “Oh wow. I seem to have missed a lot. Has anyone else hooked up since I’ve visited?”

Vincent: *thinking* “Hmmm… Well…”

Brady: “Okay, now is not the time to talk about who’s sleeping with who. We’ve got a big problem on our hands!”

Vincent: “Lucretia, what are you doing here?”

Lucretia: “I work here! I just got the job as one of the lab scientists yesterday!”

Vincent: “Oh, Lucretia… You have terrible taste in jobs.”

Lucretia: “Huh?”

Twilight: “First you work for Hojo and deform your own kid, now you’re deforming other people into zombies and other crazy scary horror movie crap!?”

Lucretia: “WHAT?! They told me they do research for the army!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Army of the undead!”

Lucretia: “Oh dear! I knew I should have at least done a Google search…”

Locke: “Didn’t you see the zombies in the lab?”

Lucretia: “They told me they were leftover from their Halloween party!”

Shadow: *looking around* “There are more. I sense them…”

Dracula: “I’m still hungry. Do you have any other dead cows here?”

Death: “I think that was the only one.”

Dracula: “Well can’t you kill one? You’re Death!”

Lucretia: “Well what are you guys doing here?”

Brady: “We’re looking for whoever’s in charge! Someone put a bid on the ramble room land, and we have to get them to drop it!”

Lucretia: “Oh, I see. Well, I suppose I could help you with that. I could go talk to the company head about it.” *mutters* “Before I quit.”

Vincent: “That would be very kind of you, Lucretia.”

Lucretia: “Why don’t you guys wait here while I go talk to him?”

Brady: “Why don’t I go too?” *starts reloading gun*

Auron: “Now isn’t the best time.”

Brady: *hangs head* “I guess you’re right.”

Vincent: “Actually, Lucretia, we left Sephiroth and another party member behind in the lab, so we will wait there for you.”

Lucretia: “My son is here? Oh, I can’t wait to see him again! All right, I’ll be right back.”

(so lucretia leaves to go talk to the mysterious company head)

Dracula: “Is she going to McDonalds? I didn’t tell her my order.”

Death: “Come on, my Lord. We’re going back to see Alucard.”

Dracula: “…Is he going to McDonalds?”

(and so the group returns to the lab and open the door. and there is a collective gasp from everyone. and why? um, well maybe because sephiroth and alucard are making out on the floor)

Everyone: “OHMYGOD!”

Vincent: “Angel!”

(needless to say, the two part quickly)

Sephiroth: “That wasn’t what it looked like!”

Alucard: “Certainly not.”

Sephiroth: “He was…giving me CPR.”

Alucard: “I was giving him CPR.”

Sephiroth: “And I’m totally disgusted by the fact that he even had to do it.”

Alucard: “As am I.”

Everyone: “……….”

Brady: “Uh, last time I checked CPR didn’t involve tongue.”

Locke: “Or putting your hand down someone’s pants.”

Sephiroth: “Uh…he was making sure the poison didn’t spread.”

Auron: “What poison?”

Sephiroth: “The uh…poison from the…needle that I got stuck with…which constricted my throat and made him have to preform CPR on me.”

Twilight: “Well I believe it.”

Opal: *sigh* “Oh, Twilight…”

Auron: “You cheated on Vincent!”

Sephiroth: “No I didn’t!”

Auron: “Yes you did!”

Sephiroth: “It was CPR!”

Auron: “Even a child wouldn’t believe that stupid story!”

Twilight: “Hey, I believed it!”

Vincent: *sniff* “Angel…how…” *sniff* “could you?”

Auron: “You made Vincent cry!”

Sephiroth: “Vincent, why are you crying?”

Vincent: *sniff* “You…” *sniff* “cheated…”

Sephiroth: “It was CPR!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! And I’m a size double zero!”

Auron: “Even the fat lard sees right through you!”

Locke: *to shadow quietly* “This is kinda awkward, don’t you think?”

Shadow: “Their yelling is covering up the sounds of the footsteps!”

Locke: “…Never mind…”

Dracula: *annoyed sigh* “Alucard, are you going to McDonald’s or not?”

Alucard: “Now’s not a good time, dad.”

Auron: “You should be ashamed!”

Sephiroth: “And you should shut your trap!”

Brady: “Shut up! Both of you! Your yelling is probably attracting monsters!”

Shadow: *to locke* “I told you.”

Locke: *sigh*

Sephiroth: “Oh, please. Would you stop it? What, you think some giant monster overheard our loud arguing and is coming this way?”

(then a decidedly scary roar is heard and everybody freezes)

Brady: “….Yes.”


(meanwhile, back in the land of gundam wing, the gang is still trying to get through relenas thick skull)

Relena: “Can I have a lock of your hair, Heero?”

Heero: “No.” *mumbles* “I wish I had my gun.”

Duo: “Like you’d really do it.”

Heero: “I’m gonna add you to my list in a minute.”

Wufei: “Wufei seconds that!”

Heero: “Shut up, Wufei, you’re already on my list.”

Treize: *holding a rose* “Here is a lovely rose for my lovely Zechs.”

Jake: “Hey! I work hard on those roses!”

Treize: “Then you should feel honored that I was drawn to pick one.”

Jake: *blink* “Yeah… I guess…”

Zechs: “I still don’t know what it is about you that hypnotizes people like that.”

Treize: “Of course not. You’re under my spell as well.”

Zechs: “What?”

Treize: “I said something about war.”

Zechs: “Oh… Okay…”

(meanwhile, the ramble girls are in a huddle with trowa and quatre)

Noelle: “How about Quatre babbles on and on about how beautiful her garden is, and while he’s distracting her with his usual crap, I sneak up behind her and whack her on the head with a shovel.”

Ashley: “Well that’s all well and good, but how is that gonna get her to retract her bid?”

Noelle: “…I don’t know. But it’ll make me feel a lot better.”

Katie: “There must be someone that could convince her that the land is bad.”

Trowa: “Hmmm… Roses have thorns…”

Katie: “Don’t even think about it, Trowa.”

Ashley: “Duh! Katie, sometimes you can be a genius!”

Katie: “A what?”

Ashley: “Never mind. We can have Heero talk to her about it!”

Quatre: “I don’t know… Talking isn’t really Heero’s strong suit…”

(they all look over to where heero is strangling wufei)

Wufei: *choking* “Put me down, weakling!”

Heero: “Enough of your pointless words!”

Quatre: “…Uh, that’s more of Treize’s thing.”

(they look over to where treize is talking to jake and zechs)

Treize: “I think this garden needs more tulips. Tulips and roses complement one another perfectly. It is like a beautiful partnership of gardening.”

Quatre: *wandering over there* “Wait, what’s beautiful?”

Noelle: “Uh, we lost Quatre.”

Ashley: “Who cares? Now what should we have Heero tell that dimwit…?”


(meanwhile, back in the land that the modern world forgotuh, ancient greek gods, people. Stay with me here. Anyway, algus and his merry band of mostly manwhore cowboys have reached the top of the mountain, hermes leading the way)

Hermes: “Wait here, mortals. I will summon the mighty zeus for you.”

(and so he flies off, and the group has a chance to look around at the beautiful land that is the land of the gods. There are various gods around, kinda looking at the group curiously. Of course there are many attractive female gods around)

Irvine: “Whoa! It’s like I’ve died and gone to heaven!”

Reno: “If this religion wasn’t dead I’d switch to it in a heartbeat!”

Austin: “I don’t know which amazingly hot chick to talk to first!”

Dallas: “Me neither!”

Houston: *pointing* “Look at the boobs on that one!”

Cal: *whistles* “You’d have to be a god to look so fine!”

Reno and Kinneas brothers except Billy Bob: *drool*

Billy Bob: *jumping up and down* “Clouds bouncy!”

Vivi: “Um…Zidane?”

Zidane: “Yeah, what’s up?”

Vivi: “Um, why do those guys have their tongues hanging out of their mouths?”

Zidane: “I’ll tell you when you’re older.”

Steiner: “Ugh! They set a disgusting example for Master Vivi!”

Zidane: “Oh, come on, Steiner. It’s not like they’re having sex right in front of him or somethin’!” *mutters* “Though I wouldn’t put it past Reno…”

Algus: “Nonsense! Those goddesses are far out of their social class. The very idea is laughable.”

Zidane: “So is your whole name. Come on, Algus *Sadalfas*. It rhymes! How stupid is that?!”

Algus: *glares at him*

Zidane: *sweat drops* “Heh heh. Just kidding. I think it sounds distinguished.”

Algus: “Just for that, slave, no tootsie roll pops for a month.”

Zidane: *mutters* “Dammit. I had a plan for those and everything.”

Reno: “I’m gonna go talk to those hot chicks!”

Kinneas brothers: “Yeah!”

Algus: “Nonsense! You will all sit here and wait. The goddess do not want the likes of you trying to court them.”

Irvine: “If they didn’t want to be hit on, they shouldn’t dress like sluts!”

Other brothers: “Yeah!”

Billy Bob: “Der her, I likes clouds.”

Dallas: “…Does he ever know what we’re talking about?”

Austin: “I hope not.”

(then hermes comes flying back over with a trumpet, which he blows into)

Hermes: “Presenting the king of all gods – Zeus!”

(everyone looks up, cause zeus is kinda tall. And they all just stare. Except algus, that is. With a confident grin he strolls right on up there and bows dashingly)

Algus: “Almighty Zeus, it is an honor to be in your presence. Allow me to present myself. I am Algus Sadalfas, and I come to you with some words of wisdom for you, almighty one, about some land you have put a bid on.”

Zeus: *not yelling just really loud* “OH YOU MEAN FOR MY MINI GOLF COURSE?”

Algus: “…Yes, yes, I suppose that is it.”


(and so algus goes up to zeus, leaving the others behind, still in shock)

Vivi: *quietly* “Um, Zidane?”

Zidane: *quietly* “Yeah?”

Vivi: “How come Algus knows just what to say to these god people?”

Zidane: “Well, Vivi, probably because he’s been practicing for this his whole life, the pompous tootise roll pop hoarding bastard.”


(meanwhile, back to the camp, the group, minus laguna, goes outside to talk things over)

Nida: “A psychic bear, Scarlet! It had like this hand that like came out and tried to hit you! Why aren’t you listening to me?!?!”

Scarlet: “Haven’t you figured out by now that I find you annoying as hell? Or do you still need another five years.”

San Diego: “Hey, Kuja, do you happen to have any hair spray on you? My spikes can’t hold up in this heat.”

Kuja: “Last I checked spiky hair went out with parachute pants.”

Seymour: *handing over hair spray* “Here you are.”

San Diego: *taking hair spray* “Thanks.” *to kuja* “You’re not the only one who reads Vogue, you know.”

Kuja: “No, but I’m the only one who understands it.”

Kiros: “Ward says we should get out of here now and hope Laguna will never find his way home.”

Tseng: “We’re not leaving without Laguna. And we’re definitely not leaving without convincing them they don’t want the land!”

Squall: “If we convince them they don’t want the land and my dad still isn’t back, can we leave anyway?”

Rinoa: *hits him* “Squall!”

Zell: “Yo! This place is weird! And these kids are creepy!”

Seifer: “Yeah! Some of them were playing with jars marked poison! Isn’t that stuff bad for you?”

Hojo: “Clearly, we are dealing with an odd bunch of people here.”

Tseng: “Last time I checked, you were pretty high on the ‘odd’ list.”

Hojo: “Ah, but Tseng, my darling, you forget that there are different varieties of odd people.”

Tseng: *hand to head* “I wish I was with Reeve counting up how many different pairs of socks Rufus bought for Mr. Jingles this year.”

Zell: “Ooh! I know! 149!”

Seifer: “You’re a weirdo, chicken wuss!”

Zell: *flips out* “Hey! I am not! Right, Squall?”

Squall: “Whatever.”

Nida: “Look, I don’t think any camp that has freaky psychic bears walkin’ around is gonna be scared off so easy!”

Scarlet: “Then we should tell them you come with the land. That’ll scare them.”

Nida: “Shut up, skank!”

Scarlet: “No, you—“

?????: “…Scarlet?”

(everyone looks confused and turns around in the direction of the voice. It a voice familiar to several of them, but mostly scarlet. Her jaw drops right open when she sees who it is none other than trent varsity himself.)

Scarlet: “T-T-Trent…?”

Trent: “It’s great to see you!” *hugs her*

Scarlet: “I thought you said you were donating all your money to charity and joining the priesthood!”

Trent: “Well, donating the money I did, but instead of joining the priesthood, I decided to help children. I’m activities director at the camp!”

Nida: “Then do you know how to kill those psychic bears? ‘Cause next time-“

Scarlet: *snaps* “Would you shut up already about the damn bears!” *smiles at trent sweetly* “So then you haven’t taken any vow of celibacy…”

Kuja: “So I know you’re not doing the fragrance anymore, but can you at least tell me I was going to be the spokesperson?”

Seymour: “Um, no. It was going to be me, and you know it.”

Trent: “That was three years ago. I was going through a very difficult time. I don’t remember.”

Seymour and Kuja: *blink blink*

Seymour: “It was me.”

Kuja: “Oh, it was *so* me.”

Hojo: “So you work here, eh? So then you must be one of them.”

Trent: “A psychic? No. I wish. It might make things a bit easier for me. This one time-“

Nida: “Hey, buddy, we didn’t ask for your life story!”

Trent: “What are you guys doing here anyway?”

Zell: “They’re trying to take our ramble room land! We gotta convince them it’s bad!”

Kiros: “Do you know if anyone has died during this brain studying? Ward wants to know ’cause he’s pretty sure he’s in Laguna’s will.”

Seifer: “Do you know where I can get a snack?”

Tseng: “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Everyone shut up a minute!” *he goes over to trent and shakes his hand* “Trent, nice to meet you, Tseng Tyutyuik head of the Turks. You work here, huh? Then you must know just how to get through to these people…”


(back in the world of animal crossing, the gang is in tom nooks store. Barret and cid are talking quietly, keeping red close to them against his will. The rest of the gang is kind of browsing the store, except for kefka, who keeps trying to smell tom nook.)

Selphie: “Hehe! What a cute carpet!”

Tom Nook: *rushing over* “You like it? Special price, only 10,000 bells.”

Selphie: “Bells? Like jingle bells? How cute!”

Tom Nook: “No. Bells. As in money. Hand it over.”

Selphie: “Um, I don’t want to buy it. I just thought it was cute.”

Tom Nook: *narrows eyes* “You’ll come back. They always do.”

Cloud: “I’m Sephiroth!” *hits himself in the head with a shovel*

Tifa: “I don’t think the real Sephiroth would ever do that, unless he was as drunk as I wish you were..” *puts the shovel down*

Tom Nook: *rushing over* “You like it? Special price, only 5,000 bells.”

Tifa: “5,000 bells? What kind of inflation is going on here?”

Tom Nook: “Free lottery ticket with purchase!”

Tifa: “What kind of lottery ticket?”

Tom Nook: “Ticket for my lottery! You have chance to win various products featured in store!”

Tifa: “What kind of things have people won?”

Tom Nook: *darkly* “Oh no one has ever won.”

Tifa: “Um, okay… I don’t want the shovel. Do you have any liquor?”

Cloud: “I’m Sephiroth! I will summon meteor! Mew mew meow!”

Tom Nook: “No, none of that. You waste my time!”

(he hurries away, kefka still on his heels, trying to sniff him)

Lulu: “This store certainly sells everything.”

Kimahri: *looking at a tiny chair* “Kimahri would crush this.”

Wakka: “You think he wants to build a new store on our property, ya?”

Tidus: “Probably. Geez, it even smells like Walmart in here.”

Lulu: “Prices are a little high, though.”

Yuffie: *in despair from across the room* “And no materia!”

(meanwhile, barret and cid are ending their little mini-meeting)

Barret: “Yo, jumanji? You think our plan be good?”

Red: “You think I was actually paying attention to your ebonics? And jumanji is a game and a movie, you imbecile.”

Cid: “@#%#@$^#$&^%$&#%!@%$#@%#$%^&#$!”

Barret: “Yo, you tell ‘im, Cid! Our plan be rockin’, yo! Les go!”

(so they go over to tom nook, who is trying to get kefka off him)

Kefka: “Are you for sale…?”

Tom Nook: “For the third time, no!”

Barret: “Yo! Raccoon! We gotta talk ‘bout some land you be puttin’ a bid on!”

Tom Nook: “Ah, yes, yes. I plan to build Tom Nook Megamart Superstore.” *eyes narrow* “Soon everyone will *have* to buy from Tom Nook…”

Barret: “Uh, yeah. Anyway, you don’t wanna be buyin’ dat there land, yo! Dat there land-“

(but before he can answer, quistis walks by, and its obvious to everyone that she has a lamp shoved under her shirt)

Tom Nook: “Stop! Stop it right there!”

Quistis: “What?”

Tom Nook: “No one steals from Tom Nook!”

Quistis: *sweat drops* “What are you talking about?”

Tom Nook: “This!” *pulls out lamp*

Quistis: “Um, I came in with that lamp.”

Tom Nook: “Out! Out of my store! All of you! Out, out, out!”

Barret: “Yo-“

Tom Nook: “OUT!”

(so he forces the whole group out of the store and slams the door behind them. So now theyre standing outside, all looking annoyed at quistis)

Barret: “Yo, girl! You f*cked up our damn plan!”

Cid: “%#@$%$@^#%^#&^#$%@%$$#%&#%^*$%@!”

Yuffie: *glaring* “I know everyone agrees with Cid!”

Everyone: *nods*

Kefka: *scratching at the door to the store* “No! Yummy yum yum…! I’ll get you…”

Everyone: “……”

Selphie: “Um, anyway, you ruined everything, Quistis!”

Quistis: “Oh, you all should know by now I’m a klepto!”

Barret: “Ugh! Yo, havin’ sex with dead people just ain’t right!”

Quistis: *sigh* “Why do I bother?”

Red: “And why do I get up every morning?”

Cid: “#$@#%$#^%^&^@%$^%$*$%^#@^!”

Wakka: “Cid’s right, ya? We have to find a way to get to that raccoon!”

Barret: *thoughtfully* “Hmmm… What would Mr. T do…?”


(meanwhile, back at the pool at the ramble complex, lark is swimming laps in the pool, franswa is watching the food network and diligently writing down notes, while the belmonts are talking to bryatt and elena. Bryatt is half asleep and elena *is* asleep)

Juste: “…And that is how I, the great Juste Belmont, defeated Dracula *and* redecorated a room in his castle.”

Richter: “Now it’s my turn!”

Bryatt: “Oh, boy. You know your Dracula stories might be kinda interesting…if they weren’t all pretty much the same story.”

(lark swims up to the edge of the pool)

Lark: “Hey, guys.”

Bryatt: “Lark! How nice of you to drop by now that three of the four Belmont’s have told their stories all the way through!”

Lark: “Sorry.”

Franswa: *calling out* “Welcome to my life!”

Lark: “Is Elena asleep?”

Elena: *slowly waking up* “Huh? Are the old people done talking now?”

Trevor: “These young whippersnappers just don’t appreciate what we’ve done.”

Richter: “Franswa does! He’s almost ready to take up the whip!”

Franswa: “You can’t control me!”

Lark: “Um, guys? Sorry to interrupt, but is anyone else wondering why we still haven’t heard from anyone?”

Elena: “I’m sure the phone will ring any second.”

Bryatt: “Yeah, don’t worry about it, Lark. You trust them, right?”

Lark: “Well…”

Bryatt: “Well, you at least trust that they won’t screw up completely, right?”

Lark: “Well…”

Bryatt: “Um, I’m gonna use the old cliché no news is good news in a minute.”

Lark: “I know you’re trying to help, Bryatt, but I don’t know… I just feel uneasy about this whole thing.”

Juste: “Anything the Belmont’s can do?”

Simon: “You know, before we were vampire hunters, the Belmonts-uh…um…we…uh…what did we do again?”

Richter: “Weren’t we always vampire hunters?”

Trevor: “Wasn’t my great-great-great-grandfather a- wait, no. He was a vampire hunter.”

Richter: *to franswa* “You see what you’re ruining?”

Franswa: “I don’t care! Leave me alone!” *collapses in tears*

Richter: “I’m canceling that food network. It’s messing with his head.”

Juste: “Make him watch that Sci-Fi channel. There are vampires on there.”

Lark: “Um, guys? We were talking about my problem, remember?”

Richter: “Oh, of course! Don’t worry, Lark! We’ll get Dracula for you! No problem!”

Lark: *hits herself in the head* “Oh god, I had better hear from someone soon.”


(back to rufus and his holding cell for us. Rude is still restraining cait sith. Shell is reading cosmo, setzer and edgar are playing cards. Bria looks bored. Rufus is sitting on the floor near the bars, which is the closest he can get to mr. Jingles. hes trying to play with him from afar. The guard also looks bored. Reeve is still hunched over the pages)

Rufus: “The great Mr. Jingles! The furious bear! Everyone is afraid of him and his bank account! What will he say to the investors this time? He needs that bullet proof Lamborghini! Oh yes he does!”

Shell: “Rude, I’m marking off the things I want.”

Rude: “Yes, Shell.”

Cait Sith: “I have to use the bathroom!”

Reeve: “You don’t have to use the bathroom. You’re a robot.”

Cait Sith: “That’s discrimination! Where’s a lawyer when you need one?”

Rufus: “Getting a tan in the Caribbean apparently.”

Edgar: “Rufus, perhaps next year you should make sure at least one of your lawyers stays behind.”

Rufus: “Oh, they’ll *allll* be staying behind. And anyone who doesn’t like it can take the one way train to Firedville for their vacation!”

Reeve: “I’m done.”

Rufus: “’Cause, I swear, no person with as much money as me should have to stay in a stupid cell like this with one inept guard and no fluffy bears!”

Guard: “I’m not inept! I had to go through a whole day of training!”

Reeve: “I’m done.”

Rufus: “Oh please! My army goes through three months of training! And two weeks of that they get to sit in the death pit! Do you know what that is?”

Guard: “No.”

Reeve: “Rufus, I’m done.”

Rufus: “That’s a black hole that’s in the ground. And you sit in there and stare at that dirt with a plank of wood blocking out all the light. And you sit there thinking about how much you love Shinra for two whole weeks with only water and nutragrain bars for food! Now that’s training!”

Reeve: “Rufus! I’m done with your damn taxes!”

Rufus: “Now the Turks-“

Everyone: “RUFUS!”

Rufus: “What?”

Reeve: “I’m done with your damn taxes, you ungrateful, pompous slavedriver!”

Rufus: “Oh, Reeve. That’s so sweet of you. Okay, Bria, get me out of here!”

Bria: *gathering the papers* “Okay, Rufus. Let me just take these upstairs to processing. I’ll be back in a little while.”

Rufus: “A little while? I could bribe myself out of here by then!”

Guard: “I’ve always wanted to go to a Spice Girls concert.”

Rufus: “Spice girls?! They broke up years ago!”

Guard: “How powerful are you really?”

Rufus: *glares* “Touché.”

Bria: “Rufus, just be patient. I’ll be right back.”

(so she leaves. Reeve gestures to the group)

Reeve: “Come over here.”

(rude ties cait siths hands behind his back and he, shell, setzer and edgar go over to reeve)

Reeve: *quietly* “Look, I have a really good idea that can get us out of this whole mess.”

Rufus: “What whole mess? You finished the taxes, didn’t you?”

Reeve: “Rufus, they were a mess! There was really nothing I could do to save you.”

Edgar: “So what is your idea then?”

Reeve: “I don’t want to say anything out loud…” *gestures head in direction of the guard*

Edgar: “Ah, I see.”

Reeve: “But this is fool proof.”

Rufus: “It better be.”

(while they keep talking, cait sith manages to slip out of his restraints and slowly and quietly starts to creep over behind reeve)


(meanwhile, back in the world of resident evil, our happy little group turns around to face a snarling hunter monster growling at them and advancing on them)

Dracula: “Aw, how cute! Alucard, I want one for a pet!”

Brady: “It’s a hunter! Everybody shoot it!”

Twilight: “Some of us don’t have guns!”

(Brady and vincent shoot it a bunch of times but it doesnt seem to do much. The guns arent strong enough. It keeps coming.)

Brady: “Dammit! I wish I had a shotgun!”

Twilight: “Let me just slash it to pieces with my lightsaber!”

Brady: “I really don’t think it’d be too smart to get close to that thing!”

Twilight: “That’s like the last thing everyone tells me before I kill something.”

Opal: “Twilight! Watch out!”

(twilight turns and easily cuts in half a desk the hunter has sent flying in his direction)

Twilight: “Nice try, buddy! But no one catches the great Twilight off guard!”

Shadow: *patting sides frantically* “Where is that last shiruken?”

Locke: “Um, right there.” *points to where interceptor is chewing on it happily*

Shadow: “No, Interceptor! Bad doggy! Give that to daddy!”

Locke: “There’s no time! Run!”

Heidegger: *running by madly* “Gya haa haa! I wish I wasn’t so fat!”

Stinky: *snorts*

Auron: “How are we to kill this thing?”

Brady: “I don’t know! Um, Death-“ *looks around* “Where’s Death?”

Alucard: “I told him to take dad outside. He kept asking the Hunter for directions to McDonalds.”

Brady: “Oh, fantastic.”

Auron: “Great plan! Now the only one who can get rid of this beast is out of the room, you imbecile!”

Sephiroth: “Don’t call Alucard an imbecile, you #$%^!@# a$$hole!”

Vincent: *gasp* “Angel!”

Sephiroth: “Oh shut up, Vincent. I’m not your angel!”


(the hunter is bearing down on the group, throwing stuff in their direction. Brady, alucard, sephiroth, auron and vincent quickly duck under a large desk for protection)

Brady: “This won’t protect us for long!”

Auron: “You realize your new boyfriend is the *undead*.”

Sephiroth: “Vincent sleeps in a freaking coffin! What’s the difference!?”

Auron: “You have no regard for Vincent’s feelings! You just go after whatever cheap skank you want!”

Alucard: “*Excuse* me?”

Sephiroth: “Why the hell you yelling at me? You’ve wanted me outta the picture since day one so you could have Vincent for yourself!”

Vincent: “Ang-er, Sephiroth, that is not true!”

Sephiroth: “Yes it is! And you know it, Vincent!”

Brady: “Oh god, I’m in my own personal hell.”

(they hear the hunter growling right above them, and they all sit very still, praying for some kind of miracle when they hear it cry out in pain and then hear it fall on the floor. Then silence. Then)

Lucretia: “…Are you guys okay?”

(everyone pops out of their various hiding spaces to see lucretia holding a bazooka)

Vincent: “Lucretia?”

Lucretia: “That creature didn’t seem too friendly.”

Brady: *kicking the hunter* “Good and dead.”

Sephiroth: “Mommy?”

Lucretia: “Sephiroth!” *she runs and hugs him* “You seem surprised to see me! Didn’t Vincent tell you I was here?”

Vincent: *glaring at sephiroth* “We got a bit sidetracked, Lucretia.”

Lucretia: “Oh, yes, that monster. They told me it was leftover from ‘bring a live monster to work day’.”

Vincent: “Lucretia…”

Lucretia: “Yes?”

Vincent: “…Never mind.”

Brain: “So did you get them to retract the bid?”

Lucretia: “Oh, sure. No problem. They took back their bid.”

Sephiroth: “What the hell did they even want it for?”

Lucretia: “An gym.”

Brady: “A zombie gym?”

Lucretia: “No. Just a gym for their employees.”

Brady: “Their *zombie* employees?”

Lucretia: “No… just the regular employees.”

Brady: *frowns* “Oh.”

Vincent: *still glaring at sephiroth* “The monster wasn’t quite what had us sidetracked in the first place, Lucretia.”

Sephiroth: *rolls eyes* “Oh, geez.”

Vincent: “We were sidetracked because your son is a dirty cheater!”

Lucretia: *gasp*

Sephiroth: “Vincent, do you really have to embarrass me in front of my mother?”

Vincent: *bursts out crying*

Sephiroth: “Oh I can’t take this. I’m going to call Lark.”

(and so sephiroth grabs alucard by the wrist and drags him outside with him. Death and dracula are out there)

Dracula: “Alucard, can we go to McDonald’s now? I tried to ask that nice creature for directions, but he wouldn’t answer me!”

Alucard: “*Still* not a good time, dad.”

(so sephiroth keeps dragging alucard away, and they end up in the woods)

Sephiroth: “Argh! I hate that idiot Auron! Ever since he came here all he wanted was to get me away from Vincent. And then I find someone else, and all I get is him yelling at me! Is it just me, or does that make NO sense?”

Alucard: “You tried your best to cover it up.”

Sephiroth: “I don’t even know why I bothered.”

Alucard: “So…you do like me, then.”

Sephiroth: *sigh* “I guess.”

Alucard: “You guess?”

Sephiroth: “Look, the point is that we’re together now, and I don’t care what Vincent and cry baby Auron think.”

Alucard: *shrugs* “All right then.”

Sephiroth: “No objections?”

Alucard: “If I would have objected at any point, it would have been when you leaned in to kiss me.”

Sephiroth: “True. Uh, I mean you kissed me first.”

Alucard: “Sure I did.”

Sephiroth: “I’m going to call Lark now. She’ll want to know what happened.”

(then dracula comes and finds them, heidegger behind him)

Dracula: “Alucard, this gentlemen also wishes to go to McDonalds.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I’m lovin’ in!”

Sephiroth: “Heidegger would probably eat the whole damn McDonalds if you let him.”

Heidegger: “I have before! Gya haa haa!”

Sephiroth: “Now, if you don’t mind, I’m trying to make a phone call here.”

Dracula: “Alucard, tell your girlfriend here that I want a #2…hmmm…or do I want a #3…”

Alucard: “Dad, Sephiroth isn’t a girl.”

Dracula: “Huh?”

Sephiroth: “That’s it! I’m making the call now!”


(back at the pool, lark is sitting around drying off when the phone rings)

Lark: “Finally! Bryatt, hit the speaker phone.”

Bryatt: “Don’t you ever pick up the receiver anymore?”

Lark: *shrugs* “Eh.”

(so bryatt hits speaker phone)

Lark: “Hello?”

Sephiroth’s voice: “Lark, I hooked up with Alucard.”

Lark: “You did *what*?!”

Sephiroth’s voice: “It’s a long story, but now Vincent’s mad at me and Auron was being his usual jerky self.  But we don’t care about them. Auron’s just jealous – you know he’s wanted to jump Vincent for years!”

Lark: “Um, sweetie, you know I’m always more than willing to hear about anything yaoi related, but first of all you’re on speaker phone-“

Sephiroth’s voice: “Dammit, woman!”

Lark: “-And second of all, you better have not called me just to tell me about you and Alucard getting together!”

Sephiroth’s voice: “Oh, right. The land thing. Yeah, it’s all taken care of. Believe it or not my mother was working here. She took care of it.”

Lark: “Lucretia? Man, that woman has got horrible taste in jobs.”

Bryatt: “So you and Alucard, huh, Sephiroth? I bet that’s one yaoi pairing no one’s thought to write a fic about.”

Sephiroth’s voice: “Haha, Bryatt. Okay, woman, we’ll be back soon.”

Lark: “Okay! Good work, guys! See you soon!”

(and elena presses the disconnect button)

Bryatt: “You put them together on purpose, didn’t you.”

Lark: “Moi? No! I’m a total Vincent/Sephiroth shipper! Why would I do that?”

Bryatt: *knowing look*

Lark: “…Okay. Maybe I kinda secretly hoped it would happen in the very back of my head. But what’s wrong with a little variety? But, on the other hand, I feel kinda bad for Vincent.”

Trevor: “Dating vampires is just wrong. Very, very wrong.”

Franswa: *frowning* “Alucard can do much better than that violent freak.”

Everyone: “………………”

Richter: “Franswa?”

Franswa: “…Yeah?”

Richter: “Franswa, for the mental health of everyone in this room, I’m going to pretend you didn’t just say that.”

(phone rings again)

Bryatt: “You wanna take your chances with speaker phone again?”

Lark: “I’m not the one taking the chance. They’re the ones telling me embarrassing things.”

Bryatt: “True.” *he hits the speaker phone*

Lark: “Hello?”

Noelle’s voice: “Hey, Lark. It’s Noelle.”

Lark: “Oh, hey. How are things going with Relena?”

Noelle’s voice: “She’s being a stupid bitch, as usual. You know Jake works for her now?”

Lark: “What is everybody popping out of the woodwork today?”

Noelle’s voice: “Anyway, we think we’ve finally come up with a plan to get her to back down.”

Ashley’s voice: “Keep Lark on the phone – there goes Heero!”

Noelle’s voice: “Okay, listen to this.”

Heero’s voice: “Relena, I don’t want you to bid on that land.”

Relena’s voice: “No…? Heero…?”

Heero’s voice: “No. Take your bid back right now.”

Relena’s voice: “Why…?”

Heero’s voice: “Because I said so. And I’m Heero.”

Relena’s voice: “Okay, Heero. If you say so. Can I have a kiss?”

Heero’s voice: “No. Don’t touch me.”

Relena’s voice: “Can I just have a saliva sample then? Just spit in this cup.”

Heero’s voice: “God, I wish I had my gun.”

Katie’s voice: “Okay, all done!”

Lark: “That was easy enough. Okay, come on back here. And bring Jake with you! We should have a party, or something.”

Elena: “Somewhere, I bet you Reno heard that.”

Noelle’s voice: “Okay! We’re on our way!”

Lark: “See you guys soon.”

(they hang up.)

Bryatt: “So you’re gonna throw a party?”

Lark: “I guess so. We actually have something to celebrate this time too.”

Elena: “Yeah, not like that time Reno had the party to celebrate the sale on beer at the store. Or the one he had to celebrate it being Tuesday.”

Lark: “Yeah. Good times though.”

Bryatt: “So, uh, who’s gonna pay for the party? And don’t look at me, ’cause I’m a struggling writer and the last I checked crumpled up balls of paper can’t be used for currency.”

Lark: “Hmmm…”

(she looks over at the belmonts, who are talking in their own little world. franswa is trying to show his dad some kind of brochure)

Franswa: “Can I go to cooking school? I’ve got a program all picked out.”

Richter: *waving him away* “Nonsense. We don’t have the money for that.”

Franswa: “What?! We’re totally rich! You just bought that special whip case for three million dollars!”

Trevor: “That whip case has been scientifically designed to keep the weapon in tip-top shape for generations!”

Richter: “Franswa, I did not say we don’t have money. I said we don’t have money for *that*.”

Juste: “Why don’t you pick out a good vampire hunting program.”

Franswa: *fists clenched in anger* “Arrgghh! They don’t have classes like that, because no one does that except freaks! Freaks like you!” *runs off crying*

Lark: *quietly to elena and bryatt* “Well, I think I’ve answered our question.”

Elena: “Um, you think now is really a good time to ask?”

Lark: “Hey, I’ve been in more awkward positions before.”

Bryatt: “I bet.”

Lark: *gives him a look*

Bryatt: “…Sorry. It’s a reflex from hanging around Tseng so much.”

Lark: “Sure it is.”

Elena: “Huh? I don’t get it.”

Bryatt: “Well, you ever heard someone called the ‘neighborhood bicycle’ because they’ve slept with practically everyone you know? Well, Tseng-“

Lark: “Okay, Bryatt, I think she gets the idea.” *to the belmonts* “Oh, Belmonts! I finally have something for you to do…”


(meanwhile, back on the mountain, algus is finishing up his conversation with zeus. everyone except vivi, steiner and algus himself are stuck confined in this little cage of lightening bolts, and they don’t look happy about it.)

Houston: “I can’t believe Billy Bob touched that goddess’ chest.”

Dallas: “I’m still amazed he even knew what it was.”

Billy Bob: “Der…it ’twere soft!”

Cal: “Yeah, I bet it was.”

Austin: “Now we’re stuck in here ’cause of him!”

Irvine: “We probably shouldn’t have egged him on like that.”

Zidane: “And we probably shouldn’t have said those things about her ass.”

Reno: “And he probably shouldn’t have picked Zeus’ wife.”

All: *except billy bob* “But damn, was she hot!”

Billy Bob: “Like a lamb’s ear…heh heh.”

Reno: “Don’t worry, boys. I have a good feeling that there’ll be a party back at the ramble room when we get outta here.”

Irvine: “Why? You gonna throw one?”

Reno: “Nah. But my sixth sense is telling me it’s gonna happen.”

Irvine: “I thought your sixth sense told you whether the beer was skunked or not.”

Reno: “Irvine, there’s a difference between a sense and a skill.”

Irvine: “I learn more from you every day, Reno.”

Reno: “Someday you’ll get to take on an apprentice of your own.”

Zidane: “Hey, Vivi.”

Vivi: “Yeah?”

Zidane: “Ask Zeus to let us out of here.”

Steiner: “You will not have Master Vivi asking for such things! You must deal with the consequences of your actions!”

Zidane: “I wasn’t talkin’ to you, Rusty!”

(meanwhile, algus is finishing up his conversation…)

Algus: “So we’re agreed then. You’ll withdraw your bid for the land.”


Algus: “Splendid. You have made yet another wise decision. It pains me to leave so quickly, almighty Zeus, but I’m afraid I must be on my way.”


Algus: “They are hardly worthy, mighty Zeus.” *bows*

Zidane: “Oh, gag me.”

(and so zeus releases the gang from their cage)

Cal: “Next time I’m in a cage there better be a chick with a whip around.”

Kinneas brothers and Reno: “Hells yeah!”

(and so the gang begins their journey back to the ramble room)

Zidane: “Hey, aren’t we supposed to call Lark now?”

Reno: “Oh yeah!” *takes out phone*

Algus: *grabs it* “I will place the call, since I am the leader.”

Zidane: *mutters* “Leader of the pompous jerks.”

Algus: “Slave, if you’re going to insult me under your breath, at least take a moment to think of something clever.” *holds phone to ear* “Hello? Lark?…. Ah, everything has gone just as planned. Zeus was a pleasure to speak with, as you would expect. Although my team was less than stellar in his presence.”

Zidane: “Hey!”

Dallas: “If it weren’t for Billy Bob, nothin’ mighta happened!”

Houston: “…Nah, somebody woulda totally done it.”

Irvine: “Damn right!” *high fives houston*

Algus: “….Oh, nothing too awful, just typical peasant hijinks. We are making our way back to you right now. …….Ah, I see. Very well, I shall inform them then. See you soon.” *he hangs up and hands phone back to reno* “Well, Miss Lark has informed me that she is planning to throw a party upon our return.”

Reno: “I told you!”

Irvine: “Dude! You are the master!” *high five*


(back at the summer camp, the group seems to be a state of despair…they all sit around on some picnic tables)

Zell: “Hey, uh, Tseng? I have a question.”

Tseng: “What, Zell.”

Zell: “Um, what now?”

Nida: “I still can’t believe our last plan didn’t work!” *to trent* “Thanks for nothing!”

Trent: “Who would want to live somewhere where there was poisonous gas coming out of the ground?”

Nida: “This bunch of weirdos, apparently, you useless jerk!”

Scarlet: “Don’t talk to Trent like that! He could buy and sell your ass!”

Zell: “Uh, actually that’s Rufus.”

Trent: “I only make 7 dollars an hour.”

Scarlet: *hits herself in the head* “I should have just taken that brothel job and been done with it.”

Seifer: “Hey, Squall. Is there really poison gas coming out from the ground at the ramble room?”

Squall: “No, you idiot. Didn’t you listen to anything that was said before?”

Seifer: “No. I was totally playing gameboy. I’m almost up to Dracula! The Belmont’s leant me one of their games. It’s totally awesome!”

Zell: “Cool! Can I see?”

Seifer: “Don’t come near me, chicken wuss.”

Rinoa: “Play nice, you two.”

Kuja: *cuddling up to hojo* “Oh, Hojo, my love. Do you have any potions to make anyone invisible?”

Hojo: “Not as of yet, my beautiful angel of death.”

Kuja: *walking away* “Then you’re no good to me then.”

Seymour: “I told you it would be harder than you thought.”

San Diego: “Oh! So that’s what you two did when you went off into the woods before!”

Seymour and Kuja: “…………..” *exchange a look*

Kuja: “Pardon?”

San Diego: “Um, when you went to have your ‘private discussion’.” *wink wink*

Kuja: “Ew.”

Seymour: “Ew.”

Kuja: “Where on earth did you get that disgustingly revolting idea?”

San Diego: “Well, he just said it was harder-“

Seymour: “I wasn’t *talking* about that, you perv!”

Kuja: “Don’t even go there.”

San Diego: “Oh. Okay.” *to kuja* “Wanna go out sometime then?”

Kuja: “Dream on.”

Seymour: “Hey! Why him and not me?”

San Diego: *shrugs* “I just don’t find you attractive.”

Kuja: “No one does.”

Seymour: “That’s because I’m too exotic for most.”

Kuja: “You keep telling yourself that.”

Kiros: “Ward says Laguna can be presumed dead by now! Let’s go!”

Ward: *hand to head*

Seifer: “Yeah! We’ve been here for hours! Can we go now?”

Tseng: *sigh* “I can’t. I can’t go back knowing that I failed. I’ve never failed at a mission before!”

Scarlet: “What about that one where Rufus made you sit outside his house in the blizzard to protect him from the abominable snow monster?”

Tseng: “Oh, I did it. All night long. I had frostbite for weeks, and he never paid me like he promised, and there is no such thing as a stupid abominable snow monster, but I did it anyway.”

Hojo: “Well, I didn’t think it would come to this, but I could let licky licky loose.”

Tseng: “And what would that thing do?”

Hojo: “Um…not…lick people?”

Tseng: “Oh geez.”

Nida: “Can we go home now? I’m missing Headmaster Cid’s birthday party!”

Squall: “You weren’t even invited. The Headmaster had enough of you breaking into his office and pretending to be him.”

Nida: “I was to invited! I have an invitation and everything!”

Squall: “No, you just stole mine.”

Nida: “You stole mine to begin with!”

Seifer: “Haha! Even I was invited! And I totally screwed up Garden big time!”

Zell: “I wonder if they have hot dogs there…”

Tseng: “Okay, everyone relax. Let me call Lark and see what she says.”

(and so he takes out the phone and dials lark)

Scarlet: “So, Trent, you think you could take some time off? We could take a nice vacation, just the two of us.”

Trent: “Uh, I don’t think so, Scarlet. My therapist said it’s still not a good idea to get involved with anyone.”

Scarlet: “Why? Because your wife lied to you about her whole life which totally left you feeling crushed and worthless? Big deal, you wuss!”

Tseng: “Shut up! I’m on the phone! …Hello? Oh, hey, Lark, it’s me, Tseng. …..Um, not too good, actually. ….. …..Yeah, well, they haven’t bought any of our excuses…”

(and then who returns? but sasha nien and laguna)

Laguna: “Hey hey! The President of Esthar has returned!”

Squall: “Dammit.”

Kiros: “Ward’s crying on the inside right now.”

Tseng: *at them* “I’m still on the phone!” *into the phone* “…Huh? Oh, just Laguna came back with one of the camp people. …Who? Oh, Sasha Nein, this scientist or something. ….Oh. ….Oh. …..Um, okay.” *holds out phone to sasha* “My friend Lark wants to talk to you. Apparently she’s a big fan of yours.”

Sasha: “Oh?” *takes the phone* “Hello, Sasha Nein here. ………Mhmm…. ….. Okay…. …..Ah, I see, I see…”

(and he continues to talk on the phone, everyone else listens quietly, occasionally looking at one another in confusion, wondering what the heck is being said at the other end of the phone. finally, sasha holds the phone back out to tseng)

Sasha: “If you would have told me that, I would have withdrawn the bid right away. Anyway, she wants to talk to you again.” *to laguna* “Thanks for lending me your brain.”

Laguna: “Hey hey! Anytime!”

Kiros: “Ward says you can keep him!”

(so sasha nein leaves, and a very confused tseng is standing in a daze. he puts the phone to his ear)

Tseng: “Hello? ……Okay. ….Okay, bye.” *hangs up*

Zell: “What did Lark say to him?”

Tseng: *still in a daze* “I don’t know…”

Seifer: “Good! Now we can get outta here! I’m starving!”

Tseng: “I can’t believe we went through all that, just for her to solve the problem in two seconds.”

Nida: “That’s because she’s a stupid whore!”

Tseng: “Anyway, there’s going to be party back at the ramble room.”

Zell: “Cool! Maybe there’ll be hot dogs!”

Scarlet: *sweet smile* “Trent, would you mind escorting me to the party?”

Trent: “Okay, Scarlet. Sounds like fun.”

Nida: “Hey! When you came with me to the Garden luau you charged me 10 bucks an hour!”

Scarlet: “Because I hate you.”

Nida: *glares at trent*

Zell: “I wonder what Lark said to get him to drop the bid!”

Squall: “We may never know.”

Zell: “Uh, yeah we will, Squall. We can just ask her when we get back to the ramble room!”

Squall: “Whatever.”


(back in the land of animal crossing, the gang is still standing outside of nook’s store…)

Barret: “Yo! So then it be decided then!”

Red: “No.”

Cid: “@$#%#@$^$#&$^&*#^$%@#%@#$%@!”

Red: “Why must I do everything?”

Barret: “All for care bear doin’ it all?”

Red: “A care bear is a cartoon!”

(everyone raises their hand…except red)

Red: *hangs head* “I have been put through so much torture already. Will there ever be an end to it?”

Barret: “No, father smurf! No git yo’ ass in there!”

(so, very sadly, red reenters the store. tom nook sees him and immediately rushes over)

Tom Nook: “Out! I kicked you all out!”

Red: “I know, but please, I do not like to associate myself with these people. Please hear me out.”

Tom Nook: “Why should I?”

Red: “From one animal to another…”

Tom Nook: “What *are* you anyway?”

Red: “…Is that really important? Why is what species I am so important? Does it really matter? It is clear to all that I am a living, breathing, sentient being who is capable of feelings. And despite this, I am constantly asked what I am. Why should I answer? Why does it matter? Why must I be classified into a specific category based on what my kind have been labelled as? I have a name. My name is Red XIII. Cannot I simply be addressed and regarded by who I really, truly am?”

Tom Nook: “…Yeah, but…what *are* you?”

Red: *hangs head* “It seems the speech I have spent five years practicing has been wasted.”

Tom Nook: “So what is it? I’m a busy, busy, raccoon! I have a special sale starting in half an hour! That’s when all the animals have to come down here and buy something at my marked up price under penalty of death! Hahaha! The greatest day of my life was the day I took over that police station! Then there was the clothing shop. And the lighthouse. Next the mayor, and then the world!”

Red: *mutters to self* “Typical super-villain behavior.”

Tom Nook: “So?”

Red: “Oh, yes. Well, there is a bit of land you put a bid on. You don’t want to open a store there.”

Tom Nook: “Why not?”

Red: “Oh – don’t you know? There are laws controlling the price of everything. And you would have to abide by them.”

Tom Nook: *chin trembles* “What…? No… No… That can’t be! I can’t build a store there! I must cancel that bid right away!”

(and with that, he runs off to the back of the store, apparently to make the call. red stands there a moment with a bit of a smug smile)

Red: “The greedy fall into the traps they have created for themselves.”

(and so red goes back outside, where everyone is waiting for him)

Barret: “Yo! You do it?”

Red: “It has been done!”

Everyone: “Hurray!”

Cid: *to red* “#$#%@$%^#&%$^^@#%@#%&#&$##$%@!”

Red: “…Thanks, Cid.”

Barret: “Yo, so I already called Lark.”

Red: “You did?”

Barret: “Yeah! I knew you wouldn’t let us down!”

Red: *small smile*

Barret: “Anyway, they be havin’ a jammin’ party back at the ramble room! Let’s go!”

Selphie: “Good job, Red!”

Yuffie: “Yeah! Nice work!”

Red: *still smiling* “Heh…the appreciation is nice…while it lasts.”


(back at the ramble room some time later…lark is alone in the pool area, looking down at the phone)

Lark: “Hmmm… At least I know the land is safe… But why haven’t I heard from Reeve or Rufus or Shell or any of that group…?”

(bryatt pokes his head in)

Bryatt: “Hey, Lark. Hear from them yet?”

(tseng joins him)

Tseng: “Hey, Lark. Everyone’s waiting to start the party!”

Lark: *sigh* “I can’t start a party. Not until I know what’s going on with Rufus.”

(more and more people join the gang in the pool area…everyone from the resident evil group is holding a mcdonalds bag)

Ashley: “What’s with all the McDonald’s?”

Alucard: “Dad insisted he couldn’t live another minute without some.”

Sephiroth: “Yeah…even though he’s the *undead*.”

Nida: “You took Heidegger there!? Did you call ahead first?”

Twilight: “No! And geez, were those people pissed!”

Heidegger: “I ate 50 #3’s! Gya haa haa!”

Scarlet: “Wow, that’s actually on the low side for you. One time he ate the napkins right out of the dispenser.”

Nida: “And then he came back and ate the dispensers for dessert!”

Reno: “Lark! Come on! The truck of beer just pulled up!”

Simon: “I cannot believe our money is being used for a party where there *vampires* in attendance.”

Trevor: *calls out* “Sorry, but no blood will be served!”

Dracula: “It’s all right! I brought my own!”

Belmont elders: *shudder*

Lark: “Reno, aren’t you worried about Rufus at all?”

Reno: “Worried? About Rufus? Come on! There’s nothing that gazillionaire can’t find a way out of! Remember that time he got me out of jail? They were gonna lock me up for ten years!”

Irvine: “Yikes! What the hell happened?”

Reno: “She wasn’t underage, okay?”

Lark: “I know… But we really should have heard something by–“

(and the phone rings)

Sephiroth: “There’s your phone call, woman!”

Lark: “Finally!” *picks up* “Hello? ………………………….OHMYGOD! ………………….Okay, okay! Um, I’ll see what I can do, okay? Just hang in there!” *hangs up*

Everybody: “What happened?!”

Lark: “That was Shell. Rufus is in big trouble. Reeve tried to do his best with his taxes, but there just no saving them. So then Reeve had a plan to get him out of it, but then Cait Sith attacked him and now he’s lying unconscious and Rufus needs a lawyer right now or who knows what’ll happen to him!”

Tseng: “Is Reeve okay?”

Lark: “They don’t know! This all just happened!”

Tseng: “That son of bitch robot! His parts’ll be spread all over the damn universe when I’m done with him! I’ll go get Dr. Zack and go there right away.”

Lark: “Good idea.”

Bryatt: “I’ll go with you.”

(they run out)

Lark: “Well, that helps Reeve, but what about Rufus? I don’t know any lawyers!”

Nida: “Hey! Scarlet’s daughter is a lawyer!”

Everyone (except the losers): “Scarlet has a daughter!?”

Scarlet: *sigh* “Oh come on, you’re not really surprised.”

Lark: “Scarlet! Thank goodness for you being a dirty whore!”

Scarlet: “That’ll be the first and only time someone says that.”

Lark: “Go get her and meet us down there! The rest of you, come with me!”

Sephiroth: “You heard the woman! Let’s go!”


(and so back to rufus and the gang. reeve is lying unconscious and shell and setzer are watching over him. cait sith has been restrained like hannibal lector and rude is watching over him. meanwhile, edgar and bria are trying to comfort rufus)

Rufus: “I’m doomed! Doomed! I never thought it would end like this! Those damn lawyers! They better never show their faces in civilized society again! They’re fired! All fired!”

Bria: “I’m so sorry, Rufus. I did the best I could. But your stuff was just such a mess…”

Edgar: “Don’t worry, Rufus. It isn’t over yet.”

Shell: “Yeah! I called Lark!”

Rufus: “As much as I adore Lark, what is she gonna do to help me?”

(plenty! just that moment who comes through the door? well, who you think? lark! and she’s got a handful of people with her, including sunshine and dr. zack)

Lark: “Rufus! I’m here to help you!”

Rufus: “That’s great, Lark, but I don’t think the whip’ll cut it this time.”

Tseng: “Reeve!” *rushes over* “Is he okay?”

Dr. Zack: “Leave this to me.” *starts to examine reeve*

Tseng: “Dammit, Cait Sith! This is the last straw!”

Cait Sith: “That’s what you think, loser! I’ll never go away! I’ll haunt you forever and ever and ever!”

Bria: “I’m so sorry, Tseng. I didn’t know what to do for him.”

Tseng: “It’s okay, Bria. Dr. Zack’ll handle it.”

Bria: “Dr…who?”

Bryatt: “No, that’s a tv show.”

Rufus: “Um, Lark? That’s helping Reeve, not me.”

Lark: “I got you a lawyer, Rufus!”

(and with that sunshine comes forward)

Sunshine: “Rufus Shinra! We finally meet!”

Scarlet: “Uh, honey, you might wanna cut to the chase first.”

Sunshine: “Of course. Rufus, you’re free to go! I went and cleared everything up for you. The real owner of Shinra Inc., Cait Sith, will be jailed immediately for tax evasion!”

Cait Sith: “What?!”

Bria: “You heard him! Take him away, guard!”

Guard: *grabbing cait sith* “You have the right to remain silent.”

Cait Sith: “What?! No! No! I didn’t do anything! Let me go!”

Tseng: “Bye, Cait Sith! We won’t write!”

Cait Sith: “You stupid Turk! I’ll get you! You and your stupid husband both! Mark my words!”

(and so the guard drags cait sith away, and bria unlocks rufus’ cell)

Rufus: “I’m free! I’m free! Hey – you’re Sunshine Johansen! You were Algus’ co-anchor on Shinra news!”

Sunshine: “That’s me!”

Rufus: “How much do I owe you?”

Sunshine: “Oh, don’t worry about it. I could never charge my own brother!”

Rufus: “My WHAT?!”

Everyone else: “Your WHAT?!”

Sunshine: *to scarlet* “Mom, he doesn’t know?”

Rufus: “Scarlet’s your mother?!”

Sunshine: “That’s right.”

Rufus: *screams* “She’s not my mother, is she?!”

Scarlet: “No, Rufus. Sunshine is your half sister.”

Rufus: “Oh my god! My dad had sex with you?!”

Scarlet: “Rufus, can’t you just be happy you have a sister?”

Rufus: “I have a sister!”

Sunshine: “And I have a brother!” *they hug*

Almost everyone: “Awwwww!”

Sephiroth: “Ugh. Rufus gets freed from the jail time he duly deserves, and discovers a new family member. And yet that’s justice?”

Auron: “Know what’s not justice? Cheating on your lover!”

Sephiroth: “Go rot in hell, okay?”

(sephiroth moves away with alucard, and auron immediately turns to vincent)

Auron: “So… Now that you’re single…”

Vincent: “I’m single!” *sobs*

Auron: *mutters to self* “Hmmm… Perhaps he needs some more time…”


Bria: *sigh* “I wish I could find my brother.”

Tseng: “How’s Reeve doing, Doctor?”

Dr. Zack: “He’ll be fine. He should awaken any minute now.”

Bria: “Well that’s a relief.”

(then dr. zack stands up, and bria gets a look at his face. and her jaw drops wide open)

Bria: “Ohmygoodness. …Z-Z-Zack?”

Dr. Zack: *blink blink* “Bria?”

Bria: “ZACK!” *she attacks him with a hug* “I thought I’d never find you!”

Reeve: *slowly waking up* “What the…” *looks around* “What’s going on?! Where’s Rufus?! Cait Sith! Tell them Cait Sith owns it!”

Tseng: “Don’t worry, sweetie. It’s all been taken care of. That robot is out of our lives forever.”

Reeve: *sigh of relief* “Good. …But it’s a good thing I have back-ups.”

Tseng: *does not look at all happy* “…Great.”

Sephiroth: “What the hell… Is today reunite with your family day or something?”

Lucretia: *from across the room* “Sephiroth, sweetie! I found your father!”

Sephiroth: *hits self in forehead* “Kill me.”

Reno: “Hey everybody! Party back at the ramble room!”

Irvine: “Yeah! What are we waiting for!?”

(everyone starts to file out excitedly. sephiroth kinda stays behind.)

Alucard: “Coming?”

Sephiroth: “I’ll meet you there.”

(lark drags behind as well.)

Brady: “Well, babe, looks like everything turned out okay in the end.”

Lark: “I’m still scared there will be one time it won’t.”

Brady: “Nah. I think luck is on your side.”

Lark: “I hope so.”

Brady: “You coming?”

Lark: “I’ll catch up with you.”

(and so Brady leaves. and lark and sephiroth are alone)

Sephiroth: “You dump his ass yet?”

Lark: “You wish, Sephy-sama.”

Sephiroth: *mutters* “Don’t you know it.”

Lark: “Huh?”

Sephiroth: “Nothing. So…looks like the whole gang of idiots is together again.”

Lark: “Yeah. It’s a good thing.”

Sephiroth: “Not for me. Now my mother and my father will probably want to get together and have dinner or something. And Dracula keeps calling me Alucard’s *girlfriend*.”

Lark: *chuckles*

Sephiroth: “It’s not funny, woman!”

Lark: “Yes it is.”

Sephiroth: “So, you going to this party or not?”

Lark: “Of course! I started it!”

Sephiroth: “Well I’m not going.”

Lark: “Yes you are.”

Sephiroth: “Why should I?”

Lark: “Because I’m making you.”

Sephiroth: “Aren’t you sick of these things yet?”

Lark: *laughs* “If I was, do you think I’d still be hanging around here?”

(then zell runs in)

Zell: “Hey, Lark! The Myterry Machanie isn’t starting! And Dracula can’t find his eye! And Seifer won’t stop whining that he’s hungry! And Ashley and Rinoa are fighting! And Algus is making Zidane clean up all the mud before he’ll leave the building! And almost all the Kinneas brothers are already drunk! And Vincent got his claw stuck in a window! And Laguna is crying over something Kiros said Ward said! And Yuffie wants some materia! And Tseng is choking San Diego for hitting on Reeve! And Hojo let the licky licky monster loose! And Treize and Zechs won’t stop singing ‘I’ve Got You Babe’! And Heidegger is trying to eat the seat belts! And Cid keeps saying all this stuff! And Quistis got us all free IRS pens! And Kuja is hogging all the mirrors! And Interceptor licked me, but Shadow said he’s gonna kill me in my sleep! And Twilight won’t put away his lightsaber! And Quatre keeps saying how beautiful the bus is! And the Belmonts are plotting to kill the vampires! And I asked Squall what to do, but all he said was ‘whatever’!”

Lark: “Don’t worry about it, Zell. I’ll be out there in a minute.”

(zell leaves again)

Sephiroth: “You really going to deal with all that?”

Lark: *shrugs and sighs* “I’ve gotten used to this sort of thing by now.”

(and with that, they both leave, off for more adventure)



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