#136 – The Church of Reno

Reno: “According to the church of Reno, a party is likely to pop up at any time. And strippers may or may not be present.”

Originally Published: 6/7/05 . 7 pages

Reno has started a club focused on the things he knows best – sex and booze!

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

This idea came to me at a graduation party. I had a drink in each hand because someone had given me something to try, and I made a crack about the “Church of Reno”. Then I decided that was something I definitely had to write.

(lark and sephiroth are strolling in the ramble complex together)

Lark: “So how are things going with you and Alucard? Is Dracula still calling you his girlfriend?” *grin*

Sephiroth: “It’s not funny, woman! The man is seriously blind!”

Lark: “Well, he is missing an eye ninety-five percent of the time.”

Sephiroth: “Now I’m used to hanging out in dismal places – I hung out in a cave for years for gods sake! But that castle… It’s crawling with more scary freaks than a…a…a…I can’t even think of an analogy it’s so bad! And the other day Dracula brought us drinks, and he told me it was Kool Aid, but it was blood! I was throwing up for hours while he laughed at me and poked me with that rib of his that’s always falling off!”

Lark: “Well-“

Sephiroth: “Oh, I’m not done! You think that’s it? This is Dracula we’re talking about! One night he was convinced he was a Belmont, and he spent the whole night trying to stab himself in the heart! Alucard and I had to stay up all night with him so he didn’t kill himself by accident! And then there was that awful hour and a half he thought he was a werewolf-“

Lark: “Okay. I get the picture.”

Sephiroth: “You think you do.”

(suddenly they both pass the ramble room and stop for a minute. because there, taped to the door, is a messily written sign that says: church of reno in progress.)

Lark and Sephiroth: *blink blink*

Sephiroth: “Oh, come on! If anyone should have a religious following, it’s me!”

Lark: “Oh, geez. This I gotta see.”

(quietly lark opens the door and she and seph peek inside. there they see irvine, zidane, Noelle, rude, barret, cid and several of the kinneas brothers sitting before reno, who is holding a cup of wine)

Reno: “Remember the cardinal sin of the church of Reno…”

Everyone: “Thou shalt not spill booze!”

Sephiroth: *quietly* “This has gotta be what hell looks like.”

Lark: *walking in* “Reno! What’s going on in here?”

Barret: “Yo, woman! You can’t be disturbin’ our meetin’ like dis!”

Sephiroth: “Reno, I demand you stop at once and rename your organization church of Sephiroth!”

Cid: “#$@%@^@&#%^@%@#%@$#%$&^**$@@%@#$^$&#!”

Sephiroth: “Hey! That was uncalled for!”

Reno: “What’s going on? Nothing! Just a little meeting.”

Lark: “Did you start your own religion?”

Reno: “No! What am I, Rufus?”

Sephiroth: “I still can’t believe he thought he could pull that one off.”

Lark: “Then what is it?”

Reno: “It’s just a classroom! For people who want to learn to be like me!”

Sephiroth: “That is the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.”

Reno: “Here my pupils learn how to drink and have sex with the best of them!”

Sephiroth: “That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard! Why would anyone want to be like you when they could be like me?”

Reno: “And what? Pick fights and sleep with vampires?”

Sephiroth: “He’s half vampire!”

Reno: “There are our commandments!” *points*

(lark goes over to where reno is pointing. a big piece of paper has been taped to the wall)

Lark: *reading it* “Thou shalt not spill booze.”

Reno: “That’s a cardinal sin!”

Lark: “Know thy booze.”

Reno: “You don’t wanna call it by the wrong name!”

Lark: “Thou shalt know the difference between cheap booze and top shelf.”

Reno: “It’s embarrassing if you can’t.”

Lark: “Thou shalt swallow all shots in one gulp.”

Reno: “Don’t even get me started on that one!”

Lark: “Thou shalt use both hands for holdin’ booze.”

Reno: “That’s what they’re there for!”

Sephiroth: “Don’t you work anymore?”

Reno: “I’ve been callin’ out sick.”

Sephiroth: “And what about Rude?”

Rude: “I’ve been fired for a week for not having the proper footwear.” *has flyers wrapped around his feet*

Zidane: *pointing to the flyer* “Look! There’s a sale on booze!”

Reno: “Excellent work! You’re catchin’ on! See, in the church of Reno we get up, drink, take a nap, have sex and drink again.”

Noelle: “I’m the senior member.”

Irvine: “And I’m second senior member!”

Sephiroth: “I’m disgusted beyond belief.”

Reno: “So you see, it’s not a religion, just a classroom. I just thought the name was cool.”

Irvine: “Hey, Reno? When we havin’ our first church of Reno party?”

Reno: “According to the church of Reno, a party is likely to pop up at any time. And strippers may or may not be present.”

Zidane: “Whoo hoo!”

Sephiroth: “This is the most disgusting display I’ve ever witnessed.”


(later, sephiroth is walking by the ramble room again when he bumps into rufus)

Rufus: “Hey, Sephiroth – have you seen Reno? He keeps calling out sick to work. He says he has ergophobia.”

Sephiroth: “Rufus, you don’t know what ergophobia is, do you?”

Rufus: “I don’t know, some kind of stomach thing.”

Sephiroth: “No. It’s the fear of work.”

Rufus: *red with anger* “That drunken… Argh! I knew I should have asked Reeve!”

(and now that the two big mouths finally shut up, they hear loud music and a lot of talking coming from the ramble room)

Rufus: “What the hell…?!”

Sephiroth: “I have a feeling this has something to do with the church of Reno.”

Rufus: “The what of who?! Is he kidding!?  Is he trying to start his own religion? Because if I can’t, neither can he!”

(they both burst in to see all the church of reno students stumbling around with drinks in hand. but theres someone else there stumbling around with them, a beer in one hand and a drink in the other)

Sephiroth and Rufus: “Lark?!”

Lark: “Whoo hoo! Church of Reno!”

Sephiroth: “I don’t believe this.”

Reno: “Hey, guys! Wanna join the church of Reno party?”

Rufus: “Reno! A fear of work is not a good reason not to show up!”

Reno: “What if I told you I was allergic to work?”

Rufus: “No!”

Reno: “Dammit. Well, at least I still had a good two weeks off.”

Rufus: “And no starting your own religion!”

Reno: “I’m not! It’s a class!”

Rufus: “The only class you should be in is AA!”

Reno: “That’s actually more of a support group.”

Rufus: “Whatever!”

(zidane stumbles by, spilling some of his drink)

Zidane: “Hey, ‘Roth? Sup?”

Sephiroth: “What, do you turn into Zell when you’re drunk?”

Reno: *gasp* “Zidane! You’re breaking the cardinal rule!”

Zidane: “Whoops. Sorrrrrrrrrrry.”

Reno: “Now lick it up.”

Zidane: “Yes, sir!” *goes to do it*

Rufus: “Ew!”

Reno: “He has to learn somehow.”

Irvine: “Once I spilled my beer on the floor of the men’s room and Reno made me lick it up! I was only sick for a month!”

Reno: “He learned his lesson.”

Rufus: “You should be arrested.”

Sephiroth: “I can’t believe Lark joined in.”

Lark: “What? There’s nothing wrong with partying once in awhile!”

Reno: “Yeah! You two need a little church of Reno make over!”

Rufus: “And what does that involve? Sticking me in a gutter, covered in my own vomit?”

Irvine: “Everybody should have a little bit of the spirit of the church of Reno in them!”

Rufus: *sigh* “I guess if you can’t beat ‘em…”

Sephiroth: “Leave.”

(and they do.)



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