#134 – Life Is Taxing (part one)

Laguna: “Psychic bears! Yikes! They’ll swipe more than your picnic basket!”

Originally Published: 5/30/05 . 65 pages

Synopsis
When Rufus is jailed for tax fraud, the land on the ramble room is put for sale to the highest bidder! Can the ramble gang save their land?

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

I wanted something big to happen for the anniversary this year, and I thought nothing was bigger than the idea of our ramble room possibly being taken away! So then I had to come up with who could possibly try and take the land. That meant coming up with rich people. So, I dug into my Gundam Wing well again, using Relena, a character I’ve always despised from that series. Then there was Resident Evil, a series I appreciate but cannot play because I’m scared of everything. (Little did I know at the time there was a lot more Resident Evil to come!) I’m a big fan of the Animal Crossing series, so Tom Nook was an obvious choice, and I had a little help coming up with the Zeus aka “God of War” angle. (My least favorite, honestly.) Then there’s the psychic summer camp from Psychonauts, a game I’ve played many times and is one of my favorites ever. If you have not yet played this game, you are depriving yourself. It’s amazing.

(we open in the ramble room, where rufus, reeve, tseng, rude, reno, shell, algus, zidane, zell, squall, laguna, kiros, ward, lark, and Brady are. Brady has a check in hand)

Brady: “Here’s my tax refund! I got a nice check.”

Shell: “Where’s your tax refund, Rude?”

Rude: “I didn’t get a refund, Shell. I had to pay taxes this year.”

Shell: “What?! But did you count all that stuff you bought me as ‘business expenses’ like I told you?”

Rude: “My accountant said I couldn’t do that, Shell. Unless I wanted to spend the rest of my life in jail.”

Shell: “What? Who’s your quack accountant?!”

Rude: *points at reeve*

Reeve: “He’ll be no good to you in jail, Shell.”

Shell: “I guess. Then he wouldn’t be making 100,000 gil a year.”

(reno snorts, and soon him, tseng, reeve, rude and rufus are laughing)

Shell: *hands on hips* “What’s so funny?”

Rufus: *laughing* “You think I pay him that much!?” *falls over laughing*

Shell: *frowns* “Well, how much do you guys make?”

Rude: “I make 32,000 a year.”

Shell: “That’s it?”

Reno: “Yup.”

Tseng: “I make 40.”

Reeve: “And I make 65.”

Shell: “That’s it? But you’re an executive!”

Rufus: “Hey, they get paid plenty.”

Shell: “Squall, how much do you make?”

Squall: “360,000 a year.”

Zell: “Me too!”

Shell: “WHAT?! That’s crazy! You’re SeeDs! You don’t even DO anything!”

Laguna: “Wow, son! You’re almost as rich as your dear old dad!” *puts arm around squall*

Shell: “How much you make, Algus?”

Algus: “I don’t make money. I am a noble, and therefore, independently wealthy. You cannot tax that.”

Shell: “And Zidane?”

Zidane: *snort* “Yeah, I told the government I made 300,000 Skittles this year.”

Algus: “You wish you made that much.”

Shell: “Rufus, you do not pay your employees enough! Rude should be making at *least* twice that. I demand you give him a better salary!”

Rufus: “Hey! My company is on a tight budget! Especially since I didn’t get my tax refund yet!”

Tseng: “*You’re* getting a tax refund? You make millions and millions of dollars a year! You’re not married, and you don’t have any kids. How are you *possibly* getting any money back?!”

Rufus: *grins* “I have a creative accountant. All of Mr. Jingles’ stuff counts as a business expense.”

Brady: “Oh, by the way, Rufus. You got this in the mail.” *hands him a letter*

Rufus: *frowns* “It’s from the IRS…but it doesn’t look like a check…” *he opens it and quickly pales* “…Oh no… I’m being audited…”

Reeve: “Serves you right.”

Rufus: *panicking* “What am I gonna do?”

Algus: “No need for panic. Simply call your accountant.”

Rufus: “I can’t! He was jailed for shady accounting practices!”

Reeve: *sigh* “I offered to do your taxes for you…”

Rufus: “Yeah, but you wanted money!”

Reno: “What the hell did you give your accountant to do it then?”

Rufus: “…A boatload of Cuban cigars.”

Everyone: “RUFUS!”

Rufus: “What?”

Lark: “Well, Rufus, you’re just going to have to go down there and face the music.”

Rufus: *sigh* “What’s the worst they could do? Make me pay a fine or something?”

Reeve: “Actually, Rufus—“

Rufus: “Don’t answer that.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

(the next day. Rufus has gone off to see the IRS. Lark is sitting in the tv room watching tv with sephiroth when tseng and reeve come in)

Tseng: “Hey, Lark.”

Lark: *turns around* “What’s up?”

Tseng: “I have a surprise for you!”

(and then who bounces into the room, but bryatt)

Bryatt: “Ta da! I know I’ve been missed!”

Lark: “Bryatt!” *runs over and hugs him* “I’m so glad to see you!”

Bryatt: “Great to be back! I actually missed it here. Anything exciting happen while I was gone?”

Lark: *shrugs* “So much happens, it’s hard to keep track.”

(the phone rings)

Lark: “Sephy, get that.”

Sephiroth: *mutters* “Freakin’ woman, thinks she can order me around.” *he hits the speakerphone* “Hello?”

Rufus’ voice: “Hey! You didn’t say the proper greeting!”

Sephiroth: “You were lucky you got a hello.”

Lark: “Hey, Rufus! How did it go with the IRS?”

Rufus’ voice: “Uh… Actually, I kinda have a problem.”

Lark: “What kind of problem?”

Rufus’ voice: “Um… I’m kinda…in jail.”

Everyone: “What?!”

Sephiroth: “Oh god finally!”

Rufus’ voice: “I can hear you!”

Lark: “What are you in jail for?”

Rufus’ voice: “Look, I don’t have a lot of time to be chit chatting right now! There’s a man with a gun staring at me in a very threatening manner! I think if I go over my time limit he’ll shoot me!”

Sephiroth: “We can only hope.”

Rufus’ voice: “I can hear you! Where’s Reeve?”

Reeve: “I’m right here.”

Rufus’ voice: “Reeve! I need you to come down here right away! And bring some people who can vouch for me! And a good calculator! And all those phony…er…totally legitimate receipts from those times I ‘gave to charity’.”

Sephiroth: *snort* “The day you give to charity is the day Vincent and I elope and go on a honeymoon of whale watching.”

Lark: “Stop making fun of his dream!”

Rufus’ voice: “Reeve? Do you hear me!? You better get down here fast! Or there won’t be a company to fire you from!”

Reeve: *thoughtfully* “Hmm…”

Rufus’ voice: “REEVE!”

Reeve: “All right! All right! I’m on my way.”

Rufus’ voice: “Okay. …I gotta go. The man with the gun is now holding it to my head. Call my lawyers! Bye!”

(and everyone just stares at the phone as they hear the dial tone. Sephiroth hangs up)

Lark: “Poor Rufus.”

Tseng: “No offense, but he’s lucky he’s been avoiding this for so long.”

Reeve: “No kidding. I got a look at his returns for last year and he claimed his shampoo as a business expense because it’s important for his hair to look nice.”

Sephiroth: “Well it’s important for me too but I don’t go claiming it!”

Reeve: *sigh* “I better get a group together and get on down there.”

Tseng: “Have a good time.”

Reeve: “Oh I will! This’ll be the ultimate math challenge!”

Tseng: “…I was kidding.”

Reeve: “…Oh.”

Sephiroth: “Stop being such a nerd.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

(and so reeve gathers a team together and they head to where rufus is being held. reeve runs into the room where rufus is being held in a single jail cell. a phone has been passed through the bars to him and he is talking while a lone guard stands by keeping time)

Rufus: *yelling into phone* “WHERE ARE YOU PEOPLE?! GET OUT OF THE SUN AND ANSWER YOUR DAMN MESSAGES! OR YOU’RE FIRED! FOR TWENTY MINUTES!”

(he slams the phone back through the bars and the guard takes it, putting it away)

Reeve: “Hey, Rufus.”

Rufus: “Reeve! Finally! My damn lawyers are still at that stupid convention! I can’t get a hold of any of them! Can you be a lawyer?”

Reeve: “Rufus, I went to school for architecture and engineering.”

Rufus: “That’s close enough.”

Reeve: *sweat drops* “…I better find a library…”

Rufus: “So who did you bring to vouch for me? And where’s that calculator?”

Reeve: “I brought people who know money.” *calls* “You can come in!”

(so in come shell, rude, edgar, setzer, and…cait sith, who is currently deactivated. rude is dragging it)

Rufus: “Reeve! Why the hell is Cait Sith here?”

Reeve: “You said you wanted a great calculator.”

Rufus: “Right! I said calculator! I didn’t say cat/mog robot who keeps trying to kill you!”

Reeve: “Being a calculator is one of his functions!”

Rufus: “Fine, whatever!” *looks at rude, shell, edgar and setzer* “At least you brought some good people with you.”

Shell: “Don’t worry, Rufus! Rude will die for you, right, Rude?”

Rude: “It’s in my contract.”

Rufus: “Damn right it is! You know it’s also in there that you have to kiss my feet every day. I just don’t enforce that.” *thoughtfully* “But I really should…”

Edgar: “Rufus, Reeve will get your papers straightened out and we will do everything we can to convince them you are a good citizen.”

Setzer: “By the way, I burned all that stuff you told me too.”

Rufus: “Good. Once I get out of here I’ll bury the ashes in the desert with the rest of that stuff.”

Reeve: “I thought you had a closet full of paper shredders.”

Rufus: “I do.”

Reeve: “…Then what the hell are you burning?”

Rufus: “Oh, Reeve. You have much to learn.”

Reeve: *sweat drops* “This is gonna be hard…”

Rufus: “Oh, Reeve! I forgot to tell you! You’ll never guess who’s handling my audit?!”

Reeve: “Who?”

(and who enters then, but…bria?)

Reeve: “Bria?!”

Bria: “Hi, Reeve! How are you?”

Reeve: “You’re with the IRS now?”

Bria: “Yeah, I’ve been here a few years.”

Rufus: “I’ve been trying to tell everyone that she shouldn’t handle my file because she hates me!”

Bria: “I don’t hate you, Rufus! …I hate your company. There’s a difference.”

Rufus: “It’s still not fair! If my lawyers weren’t too busy sunbathing and playing Frisbee on the beach they’d get me out of this!”

Bria: “So how are you doing, Reeve?”

Reeve: “I’m doing well. Can’t complain, really.”

Bria: “And how’s Tseng?”

Rufus: “HEL~LO! I am in JAIL here! This is no time to play catch up! There are mounds and mounds of paperwork to go through!”

Bria: “Speaking of paperwork… I’ve got some bad news for you, Rufus.”

Rufus: *sweat drops* “Uh oh. You’re transferring me into a cell with a big guy named Bubba, aren’t you.”

Bria: “Uh, no. I’m afraid that in order to pay for some of your back taxes, the IRS has seized some of your land and is selling it to the highest bidder.”

Rufus: “No! Not my precious, precious Midgar!”

Bria: “It’s not Midgar.”

Rufus: “No! Not my precious, precious Junon!”

Bria: “It’s not Junon either. It’s the ramble room land.”

Rufus: “What?! They can’t do that! There are people living on that land! And weirdoes! And vampires! And vampire hunters!”

Bria: “I’m sorry, Rufus. But they’ll just have to go somewhere else.”

Shell: “What?! Bria! How can you do this to us?”

Bria: “It’s not my decision! I’m really sorry!”

Rufus: “But that land is worth millions!”

Bria: “And you owe millions!”

Rufus: “Lark’s gonna kill me!”

Setzer: “Don’t worry, Rufus. We’ll think of something.”

Bria: “The land already has a bunch of bids.”

Edgar: “Is there any way we could perhaps get the names of these bidders?”

Bria: “…I’m not allowed to do that…”

Reeve: “Come on, Bria. Please?”

Bria: “…All right. But don’t tell anyone about it!”

Rufus: “Cover up is my middle name!”

Rude: “…That’s why you’re in jail.”

Rufus: “Shut up, Rude!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

(so we go to the ramble room, some time later that day. lark is sitting there with Brady, sephiroth, vincent, auron, tseng and bryatt. they’re all playing poker when the phone rings)

Lark: “Sephy, get it.”

Sephiroth: “You get it, woman! And if it’s Alucard, I’m not here!”

Brady: “Why the hell is Alucard calling you?”

Sephiroth: “He quit doing the TV show, and now he keeps calling trying to apologize. Loser.”

Tseng: *sigh* “I’ll get it.” *picks it up* “…Hello? Oh, hi honey. How’s it going with Rufus? ….. Oh. ……. OH….. Oh boy. Uh, you better talk to Lark. Hold on.” *to lark* “Lark, it’s Reeve. And he’s got bad news.”

Brady: “Did they move Rufus to a cell with a big guy named Bubba?”

Tseng: “Uh, no.”

Lark: “Hit the speaker phone.”

(so tseng does)

Reeve’s voice: “Lark?”

Lark: “Yeah, Reeve. What’s going on?”

Reeve’s voice: “We actually have a big problem. Well, Rufus owes millions in back taxes, and to start paying for it all, they confiscated some of his land and are selling it to the highest bidder!”

Bryatt: “Sorry about Midgar.”

Reeve’s voice: “It’s not Midgar!”

Sephiroth: “Junon sucks anyway.”

Reeve’s voice: “It’s not Junon either! It’s the ramble complex! All of it!”

Lark: “What?! But Rufus owns all the land around here! Even where the losers and the vampires and the Belmonts live!”

Reeve’s voice: “I know! And when they’re through you won’t be there anymore!”

Sephiroth: “Oh well. We had a good run.”

Vincent: “Angel, that’s not very nice.”

Auron: “You should have more compassion.”

Sephiroth: “Shut up, Auroran. You sound like my therapist. And we all know what happened to him.”

Lark: “What are we gonna do!? We can’t just pack up and move! Who will pay for a new one!?”

Reeve’s voice: “Look, there’s still hope. You’ll never guess who’s working here.”

Tseng: “I hope it’s not Aeris.”

Reeve’s voice: “No! It’s Bria!”

Tseng: “…Not much better.”

Reeve’s voice: “Anyway, she gave us a list of the people who bid on the land! So you can try and convince them not to! Or at least stall the process while I try and find a way to get Rufus out of this!”

Lark: “Reeve, you’re awesome. Sephy – get a pen.”

Sephiroth: “Why? Vincent’s got one built into his claw.”

Vincent: “I do not.”

Sephiroth: “You should. It would be really handy.”

Auron: *handing lark a pen* “There you are.”

Lark: “Thanks, Auron. Okay, Reeve – give me the list. We’ll find a way to save our ramble room!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

(and so its a short while later. Lark has gathered everyone in the ramble room, including alucard, dracula and death, who are coming in)

Sephiroth: “Alucard? What are you doing here?”

Dracula: “Alucard, I’ll have a #4 with extra ketchup. And a diet coke.”

Alucard: *sigh* “Dad, we’re not at McDonald’s. Would you stop trying to order?!”

Dracula: “How come we didn’t use the drive up window?”

Alucard: *deep breath* “Dad… Talk to Death. Please.”

Dracula: “…Why? Is he going to be ordering?”

Death: “Uh, my Lord, why don’t we go sit over here…” *he leads dracula away*

Alucard: *mutters* “Thank goodness.” *normally* “What was your question?”

Sephiroth: “Problems with the old man?”

Alucard: “To put it lightly. Does you father ever wake you up in the middle of the night asking you where he parked his camel?”

Sephiroth: “…No, but he does disturbing stuff. Does your father molest little boys?”

Alucard: “No, but he used to eat them.”

Sephiroth: “We have disgusting fathers.”

(lark comes in, list in hand)

Lark: “Okay, everybody! Settle down! We’ve got a big problem on our hands!”

Barret: “Yo! I say we leave that there Shinra in jail where his punk ass belongs!”

Cid: “#$%#$%#&%^*#^#%#$^&$%*$%^&$#!”

Red: “…You both should be in jail yourselves on many, many accounts of animal abuse.”

Zell: “How could you say that about Rufus?! After all he does for us!”

Lark: “Zell has a point, guys. Whether you like Rufus or not, he has done a lot for the ramble room. Including buying the land the ramble room is on. Land which the IRS is in the process of selling to the highest bidder!”

Everyone: “WHAT?!”

Cid: “#%$#$^$^&%$&@#Q%#@^$%&^%$#%^&^$#!$@%#^$%!”

Noelle: “Damn right, Cid!”

Laguna: “Hey hey! What are we gonna do?”

Lark: “We’re gonna convince everyone who bid on the land it’s not worth it! That it’s all swamp, or it’s swarming with bears, or killer bees, or some crap like that!”

Hojo: “I did bury a rather large amount of nuclear waste in our backyard.”

Ashley: “Hey! How did you losers get in here?”

Nida: “Lark invited us! ‘Cause we’re awesome!”

Ashley: “Lark?!”

Lark: “Well, their land is involved too. And we need all the help we can get. That’s why Dracula, Alucard and Death are here.”

Dracula: “Ah, yes, I’ll take a #4 with extra ketchup and a diet coke, please. Do you still ‘super size’?”

Alucard: *hits himself in the forehead* “Dad…shut up.”

Seifer: “What about those Belmonts? They live on the land!”

Lark: “I thought about that…but they’re kinda old. They’ve had enough excitement.”

Zell: “What about Franswa? He’s not old! And he makes great cookies!”

Seifer: “Ooh, yeah! Did you taste his ginger snaps?”

Zell: “What about the oatmeal raisin?”

Lark: “Okay, guys! Now’s not the time to talk about baked goods! I’m giving out the team assignments! In order to keep some kind of order, I’ve given each team a leader. The leader is in charge, okay? We don’t have time for petty squabbles!”

Sephiroth: “Stop looking in my direction, woman!”

Lark: “Now, the first group will be Brady, Sephiroth, Vincent, Auron, Locke, Shadow, Interceptor, Twilight, Opal, Alucard, Dracula, Death, Heidegger and Stinky. You guys will be going to Umbrella Corporation. Brady will be the leader.”

Sephiroth: “What?! Brady!? Why him?!”

Lark: “Because he doesn’t abuse power.”

Sephiroth: “Since when do I abuse power?!”

Vincent: “Angel, you always hog the television remote.”

Sephiroth: “Well if you didn’t always want to watch the Lifetime network…”

Lark: “Sephiroth, Brady is the leader. And if you give him problems, I’m gonna hear about it. And trust me, you don’t want that to happen.”

Sephiroth: *mutters unhappily*

Brady: “Uh…sweetie, one question. Why is Heidegger on my team?”

Lark: “…After awhile I just had to start picking out a hat.”

Heidegger: “No one likes me! Gya haa haa!”

Lark: “Okay, believe it or not Relena Peacecraft put a bid in on the land. And that bitch’ll get this land over my dead body. I already called the Gundam Wing guys to help, but Ashley, Katie and Noelle, I’d like you guys to go help.”

Ashley: “No problem.”

Noelle: “Yeah, we’ll take care of that skank.”

Lark: “The next group is Algus, Vivi, Zidane, Steiner, Reno and Irvine…Algus is the leader.”

Algus: “Naturally.”

Reno: “Uh, Lark, why is our group so small?”

Lark: “Actually, it’s not. I went ahead and called Irvine’s brothers, and they’re gonna help us out.”

Irvine: “Yee haw! It’ll be great to hang out with my brothers again!”

Lark: “All your brothers will be on your team, except San Diego. I put him on a different team.”

Irvine: “He’s kinda already on a different team anyway.”

Lark: “So you guys’ll be going up to Mount Olympus to see Zeus.”

Zidane: “Zeus?! The Greek god?!”

Algus: “Perfect. I’ll fit right in.”

Lark: “The next group will be going to Whispering Rock Psychic Camp. Tseng, you’ll be the leader. The rest of the group is Hojo, Kuja, Scarlet, Nida, Seymour, San Diego, Laguna, Kiros, Ward, Squall, Zell, Rinoa and Seifer.”

Tseng: “Great. I’m stuck with the losers.”

Kuja: “Ugh, I don’t like the outdoors.”

Hojo: “A summer camp, eh? Exxxxxxcellent.”

Lark: “And the last group will be going to visit Tom Nook at his store. Barret, Cid, Red, Kefka, Kimahri, Quistis, Selphie, Yuffie, Lulu, Tidus, Wakka, Cloud and Tifa. Barret, you’ll be leader.”

Barret: “Yo! I ain’t gonna shut my mouth till that there jerk says he’ll leave our land alone!”

Red: “…You never shut your mouth anyway.”

Lark: “So that’s everything. Go on and get started!”

Sephiroth: “Why aren’t you in a group?”

Lark: “I’ll stay here and you all call me to let me know what’s going on. Bryatt and Elena will stay with me.”

Elena: “Yeah, not a good idea to go trekking around to unknown places when you’re pregnant.”

Bryatt: “And I’m just lazy.”

Lark: “Any questions?” *several hands go up* “Sorry, no time to answer them. Get out there and convince these people our land sucks! We’ve been here for five years! I’m not leaving now! Got it?”

Zell: *fist in the air* “Let’s get this party started!”

Squall: *hits himself in head* “I wish I could change groups.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

(so our umbrella group heads off)

Twilight: “Cool! I’m ready to kick some ass! Let the stupid umbrella people come fight me with their stupid umbrellas!”

Opal: “Talking is best, Twilight.”

Brady: “Uh, Twilight, the Umbrella Corporation doesn’t make umbrella’s.”

Sephiroth: *rolling eyes* “Yeah, okay. The *umbrella* corporation doesn’t make *umbrellas*. Really, Brady, how dumb do you think we are? Try selling your crap elsewhere.”

Brady: “They don’t! Haven’t you ever played Resident Evil?”

Sephiroth: “Am I in it?”

Brady: “No!”

Sephiroth: “Then there’s your answer!”

Brady: “Umbrella is a very powerful company that does very dangerous and questionable research! They’re most well known for their T-virus that turns people in zombies!”

Dracula: “I’ll take three cases.”

Alucard: “Dad, stop ordering stuff we don’t need.”

Twilight: “Do the Zombies have umbrellas?”

Brady: “No! There are no umbrellas of any kind!”

Twilight: “Then that’s false advertising! I could sue their asses.”

Opal: “I don’t think so, Twilight.”

Vincent: “Sounds as though we should proceed with caution.”

Auron: “Indeed. We should keep our weapons ready.”

Vincent: “Agreed. We’ve always seem to be thinking along the same lines.”

Sephiroth: “Oh god, why don’t you and your thoughts get a room!”

Alucard: “…Isn’t that your lover?”

Sephiroth: “Not at this rate.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I’m hungry!”

Locke: “I’m bored.”

Shadow: “…I know they’re after me.”

Interceptor: *happy bark*

Stinky: *snort*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Food!”

Dracula: “Let’s go to McDonald’s, Alucard.”

Alucard: “No, dad. We have an important mission.”

Dracula: “The Belmonts have taken over McDonald’s, haven’t they?!”

Alucard: “Shut up about McDonalds!”

Brady: *mutters to self* “…This should be an interesting experience…” *loudly* “Okay, troops, let’s move out! Follow me!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, Ashley, Noelle and Katie go to meet up with the gundam wing guys)

Ashley “Hey, guys! We’re here!”

Wufei: “Took you stupid women long enough!”

Noelle: “Shut up, Wufei.”

Trowa: “Hi, girls.” *picks up knife* “Someone wanna stab me?”

Katie: “No, Trowa!” *grabs knife*

Zechs: “Lark said you guys were having a bit of a problem with Relena.”

Ashley: “Damn right.”

Heero: “I will destroy her.”

Duo: “You keep saying that, but you never get around to it!”

Heero: “…It’s on my list.”

Quatre: *coming in* “Oh, hi there, girls! You all look beautiful today! Your hair is beautiful, your outfits are beautiful, your—“

Noelle: “Quatre, we don’t have all day here.”

Treize: “Quite right. Time is an important factor, especially in war—“

Zechs: “Treize, like Noelle just said, WE DON’T HAVE ALL DAY!”

Quatre: “Let’s call Relena and let her know we’re coming!”

Noelle: “Nah, ambushing is more fun.”

Ashley: Let’s get going!”

Katie: “Trowa, throw that broken bottle away!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, irvines brothers Houston, dallas, calarado, billy bob and Austin have arrived, and theyve joined the group, which has piled into the myterry machanie. Reno is driving.)

Zidane: “I’m still trying to figure out what the hell a Greek god wants with our land.”

Algus: “That’s because you’re a simple minded peasant.”

Zidane: “Oh yeah? Then if you’re so god-like, go ahead and explain it to me.”

Algus: “It’s beyond your mental capacity. And if you want to see your weekly Starburst payment, I wouldn’t speak to me in that manner.”

Steiner: “Zidane, if you continue to harass Master Algus in such a manner you will have to move to the back of the van.”

Zidane: “That’s fine with me! Irvine and his brothers are all getting drunk back there!”

Irvine: “We are not! We’re looking at porn!”

Reno: “Oh man! Why do you have to do that while I’m driving!?”

Billy Bob: “Der… I gots me some good porno.”

Houston: “Give it on here then!” *grabs it and opens it* “Ugh!!!”

Kinneas brothers: “BILLY BOB!”

Dallas: “You horse’s ass! This is gay porn!”

Cal: “Where’d you go and get this? San Diego’s room?!”

Irvine: *throws it out the bus window* “That takes care of that.”

Austin: “Go sit in the corner, Billy Bob!”

Billy Bob: “Duh…what about this here book?”

Austin: “This is a book about different kinds of sheep!”

Billy Bob: “Gramps said it was mighty fine readin’!”

Irvine: “…. …. ….Go sit by yourself like Austin said.”

(billy bob sadly goes and sits in the corner)

Vivi: “Um…Sir Algus, sir? I have a question?”

Algus: “What is it, young Vivi?”

Vivi: “Um…what if this Zeus person doesn’t want to stop bidding on the land?”

Algus: “Nonsense, Vivi! That’s quite impossible! I’ll just turn on the Sadalfas charm and he’ll gladly retract his bid! No one is immune to that!”

Zidane: “No, but I’m allergic.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

(and then theres tseng group, which is headed off to the camphojo is carrying a sack full of stuff)

Tseng: “Hojo, what’s in the sack?”

Hojo: “Nothing of interest! Just some odds and ends…”

Tseng: “Go put it away.”

Hojo: “But-“

Tseng: “GO PUT IT AWAY!”

Hojo: *frowns* “Very well.” *pause* “You sound quite sexy when you’re angry.”

Tseng: “Get away from me!”

(hojo leaves, and tseng sighs in annoyance. Then san diego comes over)

San Diego: “Howdy there.”

Tseng: “Go away.”

San Diego: “Well kiss my grits! Someone’s being a bitch today!”

Tseng: “Look, I have a group to lead on an important mission. I don’t have time to listen to you ask stupid questions about my husband!”

San Diego: “…But where is Reeve?”

Tseng: “Get away from me!”

(pouting, san diego goes away. Kuja comes over with Seymour)

Kuja: “Hi there, sweetie.”

Tseng: “Hi, Kuja.”

Kuja: “I have some bug repellant that smells like lilies. Want some?”

Tseng: “No thanks.”

Seymour: “I told you I’d like some!”

Kuja: “No way. You’d somehow make the lilies smell like rotten eggs.”

Seymour: “I think you’re confusing me with yourself!”

Kuja: “And *I* think—“

Tseng: “Can you guys stop fighting?! And where is Hojo?! How long does it take to put a sack away?!”

Kuja: “He’s probably transferring the camera equipment into that hat of his.”

Tseng: “Camera equipment?!”

(then hojo comes up, wearing a huge cowboy hat)

Hojo: “All right, then. Let us go to the camp, with the games and campfire, and the pretty boys and so on and so forth!”

Tseng: “Get rid of the hat, Hojo.”

Hojo: “Why? It merely protects my face from the damaging sun!”

Tseng: “I know what you have in there. Now go get rid of it. And hurry up this time!”

(hojo goes off muttering)

Zell: “Hey, Tseng! Are we gonna go, or what?”

Tseng: “If Professor pervert can get his act together!”

Scarlet: “Great, we’ll be here all day.”

Nida: “You know, I went to camp every summer as a kid!”

Scarlet: “That’s because your parents hated you.”

Nida: “Shut up, whore! They sent me there to learn life skills!”

Scarlet: “What life skills? How to watch birds and paddle a canoe?”

Nida: “Shut up, skank! It’s better than knowing the symptoms for every STD!”

Scarlet: “Now *that’s* useful information!”

Squall: *sigh* “Whatever.”

Laguna: “Son! Isn’t it exciting that we’re going to camp? It’ll just like being a kid again!”

Kiros: “Ward says you never stopped acting like one, idiot.”

Ward: *sigh*

Rinoa: “I hope that these people agree to give up their bid easily.”

Zell: “I hope they’re roasting hot dogs over the campfire!”

Seifer: “And I hope I can push you in the campfire, chicken wuss!”

Zell: *flips out* “I’ll push you in first, stupid!”

(hojo finally returns, looking rather downcast)

Hojo: “All I have now is my memory.”

Tseng: “That’s scary enough as it is. Okay guys, we’re already running late. Let’s go!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

(and the final group is to visit tom nook in the world of animal crossing)

Barret: “Yo! Anybody know anything about dis here Tom Nook character?”

Cid: “@%@^$$&$#^@%#$^$#^&$%^&@$@#!”

Lulu: “I think we’re all as clueless as Cid.”

Cloud: “Kitties?” *points to red*

Tifa: “No, Cloud. Not now.”

Red: “I am not a kitty.”

Cloud: “…Kitties?” *points to kimahri*

Kimahri: “Kimahri is no kitty. Kimahri ronso.”

Wakka: “So you think this guy’ll back off? Ya?”

Tidus: “Hopefully. I’m missing blitzball practice as it is.”

Selphie: “Wow, Quistis! That’s a big purse you’re carrying!”

Quistis: “Well, Tom Nook might have good things to ste…er…buy at his store.”

Yuffie: “I hope he sells materia!”

Kefka: “Hehehehehehehe! Journey on!”

Barret: “Yo, dat there freak be right, yo! We’re outtie!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, back at the ramble roombryatt, elena and lark are just sitting around chillin)

Bryatt: “So do you really think this ‘try and talk them out of it’ thing is gonna work?”

Lark: “Hopefully. It’s my only plan.”

Elena: “Can’t Rufus’ lawyers do anything?”

Lark: “Rufus’ lawyers are still at that conference in the Bahamas. See, they sent Rufus this postcard yesterday.” *holds up postcard*

Bryatt: “What does it say?”

Lark: *reads it* “Dear Mr. Shinra. Having a great conference. Will be back in early June. Say hi to Mr. Jingles for us.”

Bryatt: “What’s the point of having a million lawyers if they go to a conference for two months?”

Elena: “Rufus will probably just use his back up lawyer.”

Bryatt: “Who’s that?”

Elena: “Reeve.”

Bryatt: “…But Reeve’s not a lawyer.”

Elena: *shrugs* “That won’t stop Rufus.”

(theres a knock at the door)

Lark: “I’ll get it.”

(she gets up and goes to the door, and whos there but all the belmonts. Trevor is leading the group and richter is trying to keep franswa from running away)

Trevor: “Good morning, Miss Lark. How are you on this fine day?”

Lark: “I’ve been better. What’s up, Belmonts?”

Franswa: “They were spying on the vampires again!”

Richter: “Quiet, you!”

Juste: “Uh, what Franswa meant to say was that we were casually strolling by the backyard of those awful, demonic creatures, and happened to notice that terrible spawn of hell dog they have was not chained up in their backyard.”

Simon: “That means they’re not home. Where did they go?”

Lark: “…Well, I wasn’t gonna tell you guys, but we’re having some problems with the land and I had to send everybody off to take care of it. So that’s where Alucard, Dracula and Death are too.”

(the belmonts, except for franswa, stare at her with their jaws dropped open)

Trevor: “You…you…you sent them on a mission?!”

Simon: “Belmonts were born for missions!”

Juste: “How could you not include us!?”

Richter: “The Belmonts never fail!”

Franswa: “Oh please! You old geezers have to take your medicine every two hours! How are you gonna go anywhere?!”

Lark: *sweat drops* “Er…sorry, you guys. But a few of us are waiting here for information! You can help us with that!”

Trevor: “Well, that is below the Belmonts, but…” *checks watch* “At least then I won’t have to miss The Price is Right.”

Franswa: “I could make snacks!”

Richter: *hits himself in the forehead* “How is this my son?”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, back where rufus is being held. Reeve has already started on the mound of papers)

Edgar: “Ah, Rufus, before we forget. Setzer and I brought something for you.”

(he takes mr. jingles out of a plastic bag)

Rufus: *joyfully* “Mr. Jingles!” *frowns* “Wait a minute… You put Mr. Jingles in a plastic bag! He could have suffocated! Never transport Mr. Jingles that way! Why do you think I bought him that special stroller!?”

Edgar and Setzer: *sweat drops*

Setzer: “Sorry. We’ll be more careful.”

Rufus: “Well give him here.” *sticks hands out of the bars*

Guard: “Sorry, sir. No outside objects allowed in the cell.”

Rufus: “But…but…it’s Mr. Jingles!”

Guard: “I don’t care if it’s your insulin. It’s not allowed.”

Rufus: “You’d be hearing from my lawyers about this if they weren’t all building sand castles in the Bahamas!”

Shell: “You can’t let him have a stuffed bear in here? What is this, Alcatraz?”

Guard: “No outside objects. You should know that.”

Rufus: “Oh excuse me for not knowing that! What, do you think I’m in jail all the time or something?! I’m not Reno!”

Guard: “Did you say Reno? *The* Reno? That guy’s a legend!”

Rude: “I told him he had to stop getting arrested every weekend.”

Reeve: *heavy sigh* “Man, this is some mess you got here, Rufus!”

Rufus: “That stupid accountant! I’m never hiring him again!”

Guard: “He’s already been sentenced to life in prison for all the illegal things he’s done with his clients money.”

Rufus: *gulp* “Reeve! I have all my faith in you!”

Reeve: “I think I’m gonna need my special calculator…”

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

(and so the umbrella group comes to the corporate headquarters, which is this huge grey building that seems to go on forevereveryone just stares up, wondering where this building might end)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! There has to be a cafeteria!”

Stinky: *snort*

Auron: “…Shall we go in then?”

Brady: “Not through the front. They’ll be expecting that. Follow me.”

(everyone exchanges confused looks, but they follow Brady off to the side through some trees)

Sephiroth: “I don’t believe this. Why am I following this imbecile?”

Vincent: “Because Lark will get quite mad if you don’t cooperate.”

Sephiroth: “Lark’s gotta be quite mad already to see something in this loser!”

Alucard: *chuckles*

Sephiroth: “What’s your problem?”

Alucard: “Nothing.”

Sephiroth: “Why are you laughing at me?”

Alucard: “…I’m not. I merely thought what you said was funny.”

Sephiroth: *blink blink* “…You thought it was funny? See, Vincent! *Someone* finds me funny!”

Auron: “Someone has to.”

Sephiroth: “Shut up, Auroran! I don’t remember asking for your opinion!”

Opal: “Boys, shush! Someone might hear us!”

Twilight: “But we’re here to talk to people anyway, Opal! Or at least do some slashin’!”

Opal: “No hurting, Twilight.”

Interceptor: *barks and runs into a bush*

Locke: “Um, what’s he doing?”

Shadow: “Probably hunting down and killing a poor rabbit.”

(then interceptor comes out dragging a rabbit)

Shadow: “I was right for once!” *cough* “Um, I mean, see. There’s your proof.”

(locke kneels down to look at the rabbit, which interceptor is still standing next to, wagging his tail. He quickly comes away, looking disgusted)

Locke: “Ugh!” *gets back to his feet* “That’s no normal rabbit!”

(the rest of the group gathers around, and its obvious the rabbit has been mutated by something)

Twilight: “Gross! That thing looks nastier than Dracula! …No offense.”

Dracula: “Haha, that Dracula is quite disgusting looking.”

Twilight: *looks confused*

Death: “Sometimes he forgets who he is.”

Alucard: “One time he thought was the king of France for a whole week. I can’t tell you how many problems that caused. He had to be forcibly escorted out of the DMV.”

Brady: “Something, or somebody, obviously messed with this rabbit.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! That’s even worse than Hojo’s creations!”

Brady: “I told you we were dealing with sick people here.”

Shadow: “They might be watching us right now…”

Brady: “You’re right!”

Locke: *hand to his head* “Oh boy. It’s bad when other people start agreeing with him…”

Opal: “That poor bunny!” *covers her eyes*

Twilight: “Don’t worry, Opal. That bunny is in a better place.”

Brady: “You think that’s gross? Wait till you see the stuff inside.”

Opal: “Oh dear…”

Death: *sigh* “I miss the days when I was disgusted by things…”

Locke: “Well, you are *death*. You must have seen some really disgusting stuff. You had to get immune to it at some point.”

Death: “But that doesn’t mean I miss feeling human.”

Dracula: “It’s okay, Death. I feel your pain.”

Alucard: *mutters* “No one feels my pain.”

Brady: “Okay, now that we’ve all got a good idea of what we’ll be facing inside, is everyone ready?”

Sephiroth: “I was born ready. It takes more than a half-mutilated, mutated dead rabbit to scare the all mighty overlord of the planet!”

Auron: “Like a clown.”

Sephiroth: *if looks could kill* “…Vincent, control your pet or the rabbit won’t be the only mutilated thing around here.”

Twilight: “I’ll help!”

Dracula: “And I’ll drink the blood!”

Alucard: “…Dad…”

Dracula: “I was just trying to help, Alucard.”

Brady: “We’re wasting time! Come on everybody! Follow me!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, the gundam wing gang is approaching relenas mansion)

Katie: “Does Relena still have that pink limo?”

Zechs: “Actually, she rides around in a pink hot air balloon now.”

Ramble girls: *blink blink*

Ashley: “…Why…?”

Zechs: “She says she can better look for Heero that way.”

Heero: “I will destroy it.”

Duo: “You better start following through on some of these threats. Or everyone’s gonna stop taking you seriously.”

Heero: “I will destroy them.”

Duo: *sigh* “I’m not gonna waste my breath if he’s in one of his moods.”

(they enter the gate that leads up to the house and there are gardens everywhere)

Quatre: “Relena’s garden’s are beautiful! Just beautiful! Beautiful roses, beautiful violets, beautiful tulips, beautiful daffodils, beautiful everything!”

Familiar voice: “Why, thank you!”

(the voice came from behind them, so everyone turns around to look. And the jaws of the ramble girls drop right open. Why? Because who is standing there, but none other thanjake! Remember him? He kinda liked Katie)

Katie: “Jake?!”

Jake: “Hey! I thought you girls looked familiar!”

Katie: “I thought you went to work on the space station!”

Jake: “I did, but I got back awhile ago. Then I heard about this groundskeeper job, and I had to take it. It’s always been my dream.”

Katie: “I’m glad you’ve been doing well! How’s Ranger?”

Jake: “Same old Ranger.”

Ashley: “So you work for Relena? You know she’s a stalking freak, right?”

Jake: “Yeah. She had me trim a topiary of that guy.” *points to heero*

Heero: “I will destroy it.”

Jake: “…Could you please not? It took me forever.”

Treize: “These roses are quite lovely. And trust me, I know roses. They’re my favorite flower. Because a rose, you see, is like war. Sometimes very delicate like the petals, but sometimes very deadly, like the thorns. And then there’s the stem-“

Wufei: “Shut up, loser! You’re giving me a headache! Trowa, where’s that Tylenol?”

Trowa: “You can’t have any. It’s all for me.”

Katie: “Trowa, no overdosing!”

Noelle: “So is Relena home, Jake?”

Jake: “Sure. She’s in the back lighting candles in front of the Heero topiary.” *softly* “That girl has a problem with candles.”

Noelle: “She has a lot of problems.”

Jake: “Come on, I’ll take you guys there.”

(and so they file off after jake)

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

(so algus group has arrived at their destination. Now its only the problem of going up)

Steiner: “Why it’s a gigantic mountain!”

Zidane: “Thank you, professor obvious.”

Reno: “Oh man! Good thing I brought an extra flask with me.”

Irvine: “Damn, I forgot!”

Reno: “You have much to learn.”

Houston: “We gotta climb this here mountain?”

Algus: “Of course! You’re all muscular young peasants! I’m sure you have more than enough leg power!”

Zidane: “Yeah, but what about you? You’re a wimpy noble.”

Algus: “That’s why you’re here to carry me.”

Zidane: “…Vivi… Do you know the float spell? That way I can float Algus’ stuck-up ass out into space?”

Vivi: “Um…no.”

Algus: “Get down, Zidane. I can’t get on your back while you’re standing.”

Zidane: “Grr…”

(and so they begin their trek up the mountain)

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, tsengs group has arrived at the camp)

Tseng: “Well here we are.”

Scarlet: “Hmmm… You think any of the counselors are over 18?”

Nida: “Ew, whore! Stop trying to get more business!”

Squall: “We should have brought Angelo. He loves the outdoors.”

Rinoa: “Too bad we didn’t think of that earlier!”

Zell: “Ooh! Hey look, Squall! They have a lake here! Let’s go to the lake!”

Seifer: “I’m hungry! Don’t they have food here?”

Hojo: “Where are the little boys?”

Seymour: *grumbles* “I’m already getting bitten by bugs.”

Kuja: “Ha ha on you.”

Laguna: “Hey hey! I’m with Zell! Let’s go to the lake! How ‘bout it, son?” *puts an arm around squall*

Squall: “Don’t touch me.”

Kiros: “Ward says you can’t swim, dofus.”

Laguna: “Oh… That’s right…”

Tseng: “We don’t have time to hang out. We have to find out who’s in charge of the camp.”

San Diego: “Here comes a kid! Ask him!”

Hojo: “And it’s a boy! So this isn’t an all girls camp!” *mutters* “Not like that last one that I snuck into.”

Boy: “Um…can I help you guys?”

Hojo: “Yes. Can you point me in the direction of the boy’s bunks?”

Tseng: *elbows hojo in the stomach*

Hojo: “Umph! Right in spleen! Damn Turk training!”

Tseng: *trying to smile nicely* “Hi, there. We’re looking for whoever’s in charge of the camp. Can you take us to them?”

Boy: *is eyeing hojo suspiciously*  “There’s something about you I don’t trust…”

(and everyone watches as the boy just stares down hojo for a minute. Then suddenly his eyes get really wide and he just starts screaming at the top of his lungs, frozen in place)

Nida: “You freak! What did you do to the kid!?”

Hojo: “Nothing! You all saw me! I was just standing here!”

Tseng: “Well something happened! Why is he screaming?”

Kuja: “Just looking at him is enough to provoke screams from some people.”

Seymour: “Remember that girl at the gas station?”

Scarlet: “I don’t think she’ll ever be the same.”

Seifer: *hands over ears* “Make him stop!”

Kiros: *also hands over ears* “Ward says shut the hell up!”

Laguna: “Hey hey! How we gonna meet who’s in charge of the camp now?”

Tseng: *looks out to where people are running towards them* “…Great, what a nice first impression.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, the final group arrives in the land of animal crossing. They look around at the brightness of the town.)

Selphie: “Wow! It’s certainly cheery here!”

Yuffie: “And the trees grow materia!”

Lulu: “…Those are apples.”

Yuffie: “…Dammit.”

Barret: “Yo! How we gonna know where dat there store be at? Use your natural instincts, chipmunk!”

Red: “I should use them to bite you.”

Cid: “@#%#@$^&$^#&%##@$%@#%^^*~!”

Wakka: “He’s right, ya? There’s a map right over there!”

(so they go over to the map and take a look.)

Tifa: “Look, there it is. Tom Nook’s store, acre 4-B.”

Cloud: “Kitties?”

Kimahri: “No. Kimahri ronso.”

Quistis: “Well let’s get going! We’re wasting precious time here!”

Kefka: “Hehehe! Smell of meat!”

Tidus: “…Why did Lark put the freaky clown in our group?”

Wakka: “You’re asking the wrong guy.”

Barret: “Yo! Follow me!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

(back at the ramble room, everyone is sitting around bored. Bryatt is flipping through the channels on tv. Franswa comes in with a tray of something)

Franswa: “Who wants muffins? They’re made with Splenda!”

Simon: “Well, in that case, I’ll take one.”

(everyone takes a muffin)

Elena: “How come we haven’t heard from anyone yet?”

Lark: “Probably they’re just getting there. You know how slow they move in groups.”

Bryatt: *finally shutting off tv* “1,345 channels and nothing on.”

Lark: “…You guys wanna go in the pool?”

Bryatt: “I thought we had to sit here and wait for the phone to ring.”

Lark: “Hey, that’s why they invented cordless.”

Bryatt: “I’m in! Let’s go!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, back to rufus and his gang, reeve has unfortunately activated cait sith, and while he is trying to do work, the demon robot from hell keeps banging him on the head with his mphone, taking 1 hp off each time. shell, setzer and edgar are not around)

Reeve: *with each hit on the head* “Ow. Ow! OW!”

Rufus: “Cait Sith! That’s not helping me! Stop it!”

Cait Sith: “Come out from behind those bars and make me!”

Rufus: “Reeve… Why couldn’t you have brought a better calculator? Like the kind that doesn’t move!”

Reeve: “Cait Sith, you’re distracting me! Can’t you just serve your purpose and be quiet?”

Cait Sith: “Can’t you serve your purpose and die?”

Rufus: “Reeve, shut the damn thing off!”

Reeve: “…I can’t…”

Rufus: “Why?!”

Cait Sith: *bouncing around* “Because I swallowed the deactivation key! Ha ha! Ha ha!”

Rufus: “Reeve!”

Reeve: “He said he wanted to play house!”

Rufus: “How can a man who’s so smart be so stupid! Rude, do something about this!”

Rude: “Yes, boss.”

(rude gets up and grabs cait sith by the arms)

Cait Sith: “Hey! Don’t touch me! Let me go! I’ll bite you! I have computer rabies!”

Rufus: “Tie him and up and shove socks in his mouth or something.”

Cait Sith: “No!! Then who will kill Reeve?!”

Rufus: “No one’s killing Reeve! I need Reeve to do my taxes!”

Cait Sith: “Reeve’s too much of a stupid loser to do that!”

Reeve: *starts crying softly*

Rufus: “Oh, great. Rude – shut that thing up! Or it’s gonna have a Gucci loafer lodged in it’s electronic brain!”

Cait Sith: “You couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn with an elephant, prissy!”

Rufus: “Rude!”

Rude: “I’m on it.” *he drags cait sith out*

Rufus: “Reeve, how many times does that thing have to try to kill you before you finally get rid of it?!”

Reeve: “It seems like such a waste!”

Rufus: “It is a waste! Now get back to work!” *annoyed sigh* “Where are Shell, Edgar and Setzer? It shouldn’t take them that long to convince her I’m a good citizen!”

Reeve: *looking at some papers* “Rufus… There’s a receipt here from ‘The Rich Man’s Pocket Fund’…that’s not a charity.”

Rufus: “Sure it is.”

Reeve: “No it’s not. You made this up. It’s written on the back of a memo Heidegger sent you. It has your name on it. And his. And it reads: Gya haa haa, I ate my stapler again.”

Rufus: “That could be another Rufus J. Shinra! And anybody named Heidegger could’ve eaten a stapler!”

Reeve: “…This keeps getting worse…”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, at umbrella headquarters, the group enters the building. it looks like an office)

Sephiroth: “Oh no! A stapler! Help!” *laughs*

Brady: “You won’t be laughing when there’s a giant hunter going for your throat.”

Sephiroth: “Giant hunter? Is that another word for tape dispenser?”

Shadow: “…There are cameras watching our every move…”

Locke: *looking around* “There actually are.”

Twilight: “This place is totally deserted!”

Auron: “It really is quite…eerie.”

Vincent: “I believe the only way to go is through that door marked ‘lab’.”

Interceptor: *cries and hides behind shadow*

Opal: “I think your doggy is scared.”

Shadow: “Nonsense! He fears nothing! He is merely trying to protect his master!”

Opal: “…But he’s *behind* you…”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! The lab can’t be creepier than Hojo’s!”

Brady: “Oh yes it can.” *takes out gun* “Everybody get ready.”

Sephiroth: “Since when do you have a gun?”

Brady: “Vincent lent it to me.”

Sephiroth: “Vincent! You’re just handing out weapons to any old freak now?!”

Vincent: “I let you borrow one once, angel.”

Sephiroth: “Okay, that was just cruel. Stop hanging around Auroran so much!”

Auron: “Is there anything I can do to make you call me by my actual name?”

Sephiroth: “I’m sorry…did anyone else just hear an obnoxious wind go by? An obnoxious wind that should probably shut the hell up?”

Brady: “Okay, everybody, quiet down. There may be dangerous things in there and we want to be ready.”

Dracula: “Alucard! My eye is missing!”

Alucard: “No it’s not.”

Dracula: “…Then why I can’t I see anything?”

Alucard: “Dad, your eyes are closed.”

Dracula: “Oh.” *opens eyes* “Well that solves everything, now doesn’t it.”

Brady: “Okay, come on. Let’s go.”

(so he hesitantly opens the door to the lab. its very dark in there and theres no sign of anything. Everyone is gripping a weapon, except dracula, heidegger, stinky and interceptor.)

Twilight: “I don’t see anything!”

Shadow: “…I know they’re watching us.”

(then a distinct low moaning sound is heard coming from kinda nearby)

Shadow: “They’re coming for us!”

Locke: “Stop being right, you paranoid freak!”

Sephiroth: “What are you guys freaking out about? It’s probably just people having sex in the abandoned building.”

??????: *coming from somewhere* “Ugh…Brains…”

Auron: “Yes, that’s what everyone says in the midst of sex.”

Sephiroth: *eyes wide* “Shut up, Auroran!”

Twilight: *drawing lightsaber* “Nobody’s getting the brain of the great Twilight!”

Dracula: “Alucard, do you think I should change the curtains in the kitchen?”

Alucard: “Now’s not the time, dad.”

Dracula: “Oh, please. They’re just zombies! They’re all over the castle!”

(and sure enough it is zombies, walking very, very slowly)

Opal: “Oh my goodness!”

Brady: “Aim for the heads!”

(so they all start attacking the zombies, but they dont fall down too easy)

Sephiroth: “I chopped off the head and it’s still coming at me!”

Locke: “Death, can’t you help?!”

Death: “How can I help? They’re already dead!”

Brady: “Just keep whacking at them! Can anyone get the lights?”

Sephiroth: “All I see is this control panel!”

Twilight: “Hey, I stole this ID card thingy with numbers on it from the other room!”

Sephiroth: “Well hurry up and read the numbers!”

Twilight: *staring at it* “Uh…R—“

Sephiroth: “That’s not a number!! Hurry up!”

Twilight: “You know I can’t read!”

Sephiroth: “Dammit, Twilight!”

Brady: “Forget it! Just finish them off!”

(finally they manage to dispose of the zombies. they all lay in a pile on the floor)

Brady: “Awesome.”

Vincent: “…Smells like death in here.”

Death: “Sorry.”

Vincent: “…I didn’t mean you…”

Locke: “…You think they have anything worth stealing?”

Brady: “…You really wanna go there?”

Locke: “…No.”

Shadow: *looking around* “There must be more…”

Brady: “Hey, where’s Heidegger?”

Heidegger: *hiding behind a desk* “Gya haa haa! Hide and seek!”

Sephiroth: “You fat blob! You’re completely useless!”

Heidegger: “Duh! Gya haa haa!”

Shadow: “What’s that noise?!”

Opal: “Oh no!”

Locke: “Dracula, behind you!”

(theres a zombie behind dracula. dracula turns around to see it)

Dracula: “Oh, hello there.”

Zombie: *bites him*

Dracula: “How rude!” *makes the zombie explode into pieces* “Alucard, the zombies here have an attitude problem.”

Opal: “…Ew…”

Brady: “Okay, let’s keep going.”

Sephiroth: “Maybe we should try and be quiet so they can’t hear us.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Good plan!”

Sephiroth: “Shut up! You’re the farthest thing from quiet!”

Auron: “So are you.”

Sephiroth: “Shut up, obnoxious wind!”

Brady: “I have an idea.”

Sephiroth: “Oh great, another brilliant plan from king full-of-crap over here.”

Brady: “Wasn’t I right about the zombies?”

Sephiroth: *pouting* “Maybe.”

Brady: “Anyway, the zombies might be coming from this room. We don’t want them to follow us. So I think two of us should stay here and watch for anything else.”

Sephiroth: “I’ll stay. Anything that keeps me away from you and the obnoxious wind is my kind of plan.”

Alucard: “I’ll stay as well.”

Brady: “Okay, then. You two stay here, and we’ll go on ahead. If we need you, I’ll beep you with my Nextel.”

Sephiroth: “I don’t have one of those!”

Alucard: “A what now?”

Brady: “…Never mind. Just stay here. We’ll come back for you.”

(so the rest of the group moves on, leaving alucard and sephiroth behind)

Sephiroth: “Man, am I glad they’re gone.”

Alucard: “There must be lights in here somewhere.”

(so he quickly looks around and finds some lights, which he turns on. in the room are a bunch of big glass enclosures, all of which are opened and empty. there are no other zombies lurking around)

Alucard: “This room appears to be clear.”

Sephiroth: “Good. Then we can just sit down and relax.” *he sits*

Alucard: *shrugs* “I suppose so.” *sits as well*

Sephiroth: “…………”

Alucard: “…………”

Sephiroth: “So…”

Alucard: “…So…”

Sephiroth: “Where’s your bat?”

Alucard: “Oh, Buttons? He’s on vacation with his family.”

Sephiroth: “…Okay…”

Alucard: “What?”

Sephiroth: “Nothing.”

Alucard: “…….”

Sephiroth: “…….”

Alucard: “So, have you been using the shampoo? It looks like it.”

Sephiroth: “Yeah. But I’ve been taking money from Vincent’s retirement fund to pay for it.”

Alucard: “He has a retirement fund?”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, it’s his dream to live on the beach or something…maybe it was in the mountains…or on a farm…I don’t know, I wasn’t really listening.”

Alucard: “I thought you two were dating.”

Sephiroth: “Dating? No. Vincent and I don’t date. We just have like this thing.”

Alucard: “What kind of thing is that?”

Sephiroth: “The kind of thing where I can do whatever I want and he has to stand by me and like it.”

Alucard: “Oh, and he doesn’t mind?”

Sephiroth: *shrugs*

Alucard: “…Okay…”

Sephiroth: “It works well for me.”

Alucard: “…You know, I always felt badly for taking your spot on the television show.”

Sephiroth: “It’s fine. They ruined it anyway. They took all the action out and just made it into a show about lawyers actually *in* the courtroom. Bor~ring! That’s only been done a million times!”

Alucard: “Oh. So you watched it then?”

Sephiroth: *sweat drops* “Uh, maybe.”

Alucard: “But why? After I joined the show, they changed it.”

Sephiroth: “Uh…well, you know how it is, when things are just so bad that you can’t stop watching.”

Alucard: “Oh. So…it had nothing to do with anything else that was on the show.”

Sephiroth: *shifty eyes* “No.”

Alucard: *looks at sephiroth*

Sephiroth: *looks at alucard*

(meanwhile, back to the other part of the group, theyre going along through the lab. they havent run into anything else strange yet, but its still really dark)

Dracula: “I can’t believe Alucard left me behind! I’m an old man! Something could happen to me!”

Death: “My lord, you are an undead superbeing with the power to explode things. I think he knows that you’ll be fine.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Where’s the cafeteria?”

Auron: “You were warned to be quiet several times.”

Twilight: “Yeah, shut up, lardo! Or I’ll ram my lightsaber down your throat!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Piercingly delicious!”

Shadow: “…I hear banjo music.”

Locke: “Okay, now you’re back to your old self.”

Vincent: “I believe I hear some as well.”

Locke: “Oh, crap.”

Brady: “Me too.”

(everyone pauses, and sure enough distinct banjo music can be heard nearbythen suddenly, it stops)

Opal: “Um…do zombies play the banjo?”

Brady: “Not in any game I’ve played…”

(then suddenly the lights are flicked on, and whos standing there? but cousin maxwell, grandpa, flossy and even bessie, the dead cow!)

Cousin Maxwell: “Howdy, ya’ll! Are you them there scientists come to cure Flossy?”

Flossy: *baas and twitches, hair falling out*

Twilight: “Hey! You’re that backwoods hick! I remember you!”

Cousin Maxwell: “Well kiss my grits! I thought you there city slickers looked familiar! Didn’t they, Grandpa!”

Grandpa: “Hooooooooooey!”

Brady: “Um…What are you guys doing in here?”

Cousin Maxwell: “Me n’ grandpa decided we needed some more of that there money to make ourselves a new shack! That there cardboard roof got too many holes in it! And Bessie don’t like gettin’ rained on!”

Bessie: *is dead*

Opal: “…That cow is dead…”

Grandpa: “So we took this here job!” *cackles*

Brady: “Job?”

Cousin Maxwell: “Yup! We here for what them there scientists call ‘med-ick-cal ree-sir-erch.”

Locke: “You’re here for them to experiment on?”

Cousin Maxwell: “They said they could cure Flossy’s SQZ’s!”

Flossy: *baas and twitches*

Cousin Maxwell: “An’ give Bessie more swing in her step!”

Death: “Sir, your cow is dead. And I should know.”

Cousin Maxwell: *violent sobbing*

Brady: “You guys can’t let yourselves be tested by these people! They’ll kill you all and turn you into strange creatures!”

Flossy: *baas and twitches*

Death: “…Even I’m slightly disgusted now.”

Locke: “See, you’re not all dead inside yet!”

Brady: “You guys have to get out of here! It’s not worth it!”

Cousin Maxwell: “What you be yappin’ about? Them miracle workers!”

Brady: “No!! They’re crazy people!”

Twilight: *gently to Brady* “Let me handle this.” *to maxwell* “They’re not trying to help you! They just want to take your animals and eat them!”

Grandpa: “Hogwash! Animals ain’t for eatin’! They’s for-“

Twilight: “Okay, I don’t wanna know. But that’s their plan! It’s written all over these official looking papers I found lying around!”

Cousin Maxwell: *gasp* “No! Them double crossin’ city slickers with them there fancy coats and shiny glasses!”

Grandpa: “And them books that actually gots pages!”

Twilight: “Yeah! So you better get out of here! Now!”

Brady: “But before you do, can you tell us if there’s anyone else in the building?”

Cousin Maxwell: “There’s one of them there fancy city slickers sittin’ in their office, glasses an’ all. Right on ahead.”

Brady: “Thanks.”

Twilight: “Now get out of here! Run!”

(they watch as cousin maxwell and grandpa gather up their assorted animals and high tail it out of there)

Brady: “…It’s scary that some people are that desperate for money.”

Locke: “They were just plain scary.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! They’re more disgusting than me!”

Dracula: “Alucard, why does this room reek like dead cow? Did you eat dinner without telling me again?”

Death: “Alucard’s not here.”

Dracula: *blink blink* “Then who the hell are you?!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, back in gundam wing land, jake has taken the group around back to see relena. sure enough, shes in front of the heero topiary, lighting candles. she turns around when she hears the group approaching)

Relena: *eyes widen* “H-H-Heero…?”

Heero: “Oh, crap.”

Relena: “HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOO!”

(she runs towards him, but right before she can grab him Ashley, Noelle and Katie step in front of heero, saving him)

Noelle: “Hi, Relena.”

Relena: “…H-H-Heero?” *tries to get through to him*

Ashley: “Relena, we’ve got a problem.”

Relena: “Can I touch Heero?”

Katie: “No.”

Noelle: “You put a bid on our land, bitch! And you better take it back, or you’ll be sorry!”

Relena: “Land? Oh, right! The land where I’m gonna build my gigantic Heero shrine! I’m gonna call it Heero World!”

Wufei: “You are a sick, sick woman!”

Zechs: “Really. I can’t believe we’re related.”

Wufei: “If you build a shrine to anyone, it should be to Wufei!”

Trowa: “Can I burn myself with your candles?”

Katie: “Trowa, no fire!”

Quatre: “That topiary is simply beautiful!”

Relena: “Of course it is! It’s of Heero…” *dreamy sigh*

Heero: “Argh…” *glares at quatre*

Duo: “Uh, Quatre, I think Heero’s thinking about killing you right now.”

Ashley: “Well, sorry, Relena, but there’s not gonna be any Heero shrine there. You can’t have that land.”

Relena: “Says who?”

Noelle: “Why would you want it anyway? It’s all swamp!”

Relena: “That’s fine.”

Katie: “There are killer bees!”

Relena: “I love all the Earth’s creatures!”

Ashley: “There’s nuclear waste buried there!”

Relena: “Then my flowers will grow extra large!”

Jake: *whispers* “I don’t think you’re getting through to her!”

Katie: “Nope…”

Treize: “Perhaps you might wish to try more harsh negotiations.”

Noelle: “Perhaps I’ll just whack her with a 2×4…”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

(back at mount olympus, algus and the group have finally reached the mountain. But theres nothing around)

Austin: “Uh…sure we got the right address?”

Zidane: *still carrying algus* “All right, we’re up the mountain! The free ride’s over, buddy!”

Algus: “Drop me and you’ll never taste another Skittle as long as you live.”

Zidane: *chin trembles* “…But my back…”

Vivi: *shivering* “I’m cold.”

Reno: *offering flask* “Here, take a sip of this. It’ll warm ya right up.”

Vivi: *sweat drops* “Um, I don’t think that’s a good idea. I’m just a kid.”

Reno: “Aw, come on! A little booze is good for ya!”

Vivi: “Um… Steiner?”

Steiner: “Please stop trying to lure master Vivi into your dark world of no morals.”

Reno: *withdrawing flask* “Fine. I was just trying to be nice.” *sips from flask*

Irvine: “I’ll take a sip!”

Reno: “No, Irvine. It’s part of learning your lesson.”

Irvine: *hanging head* “I deserve to be punished.”

Cal: “Man, and even I thought I knew it all.”

Billy Bob: “I see birdies.”

Houston: “That’s not a bird. That’s a person with wings.”

Dallas: “It’s a person with wings!?”

(everyone watches as a glowing person with wings flys on over to them)

??????: “Who are you, and what are you doing here?”

Algus: “I’ll handle this. Put me down, Zidane.”

Zidane: “Gladly!”

(he puts algus down and he goes over to the man with the wings)

Algus: “Greetings, Hermes, messenger to the gods. I am Algus Sadalfas, and my peasant band and I seek audience with Zeus. We have matters to discuss with him that concerns a bid he has placed on some rather unworthy property.”

Austin: *whispers* “How does he know what that thing is?”

Zidane: *whispers* “Because he’s a pompous jerk.”

Hermes: “You know me. I’m impressed with you, mortal! You and your comrades can follow me!”

Algus: *smug smile* “I always knew I would be welcomed among the gods.”

Zidane: “Oh man, I am never gonna stop hearing about this.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

(back at the summer camp, two adults have come over to see the commotion)

Woman: “What’s going on here, darling?!”

Hojo: *holds hands up defensively* “I didn’t touch him. I have witnesses.”

Tseng: “I don’t know what happened. He just looked at him really hard and then just started screaming.”

Man: *puts a hand on the kid’s shoulder* “Razputin, relax. It’s all right.”

Razputin: *finally stops screaming* “…All I want to do is cry.”

Woman: “What are you people doing here?”

Laguna: “Hey hey! We’re here to see whoever’s in charge of this place!”

Zell: “Can we go in the lake?”

Seifer: “And do you have food?”

Squall: “Whatever.”

Scarlet: “Anyone lonely during the long nights?”

Kuja: “Any mirrors?”

Seymour: *swatting away knats* “Any bug spray?”

Tseng: “We’re here to see whoever’s in charge about some land that’s been bid on… Sorry about the boy.”

Razputin: “My name is Raz. And your friend has got some messed up head.”

Tseng: “That’s why he’s not my friend.”

Razputin: “And I’ve been in the mind of committed people.”

Tseng: “That’s why he’s not my – wait, what?”

Nida: “He probably should be committed.”

Hojo: “I’ve passed all the psychological tests.”

Scarlet: “Barely.”

Hojo: “Barely is still passing.”

Man: “We’re in charge here. You’re here to speak to us about the land?”

San Diego: “Yeah! And you’re kinda cute for a scientist looking guy!”

Tseng: *nudges him* “Shut up!”

Kiros: *to the woman* “And Ward says he wants to get up in that.”

Ward: *hits kiros*

Kiros: “Ow!”

Man: “My name is Sasha Nein, and this is my comrade, Milla Vodello. Why don’t you come up with us to the main lodge? We can talk up there.”

Tseng: “Okay. And…uh…what was that whole thing…about going into someone’s mind?”

Sasha: “Don’t you know? This is psychic summer camp. Here we train psychonauts, warriors of the mind.”

Zell: “Cool! They’re like astronauts for the head!”

Seifer: “Shut up, chicken wuss.”

Razputin: *still looking at hojo* “You’re a sick, sick man.”

Hojo: *chuckling* “Oh, you’ve still much to learn.”

(and so they all go up to the main lodge. There, tseng, hojo, scarlet, laguna, kiros, ward and san deigo sit down with sasha and milla. Nida, squall, zell, seifer and rinoa are doing stuff outside and can be seen through the window. Kuja and seymour are nearby, staring at their reflections in some pots and pans)

Hojo: “So you’re all psychics, eh?” *rubs chins thoughtfully* “I would love to study one of those brains…”

Sasha: “I already do enough research.”

Hojo: “Oh you’re a scientist then?”

Sasha: “I consider myself one, yes.”

Hojo: “Interesting. Then we have much to discuss then.”

Sasha: “No. No we do not.”

(meanwhile, in the corner, seymour is watching as kuja fixes his hair in one of the pots)

Kuja: “This pot makes my nose look huge. And ugh, I would love to have some hairspray right now.”

(seymour suddenly produces a travel sized bottle of hair spray and offers it)

Kuja: *blink blink*

Seymour: “Here.”

Kuja: “What’s wrong with it?”

Seymour: “Nothing.”

Kuja: “Then why are you offering it to me?”

Seymour: “You said you wanted some hair spray. I always carry some – my hair needs constant maintenance.”

Kuja: *suspiciously* “Use it on your hair first.”

Seymour: *sighs in annoyance but gives his hair a squirt* “See? It’s fine.”

Kuja: *taking it* “Just had to be sure.”

(he turns back to the pot and carefully studies his hair in the reflection, giving his hair short, precise sprays from the bottle.)

Seymour: “I need to talk to you about something.”

Kuja: “Finally!” *looks at seymour* “Okay, first we have to start with a good cover-up.”

Seymour: “…Not about make-up advice.”

Kuja: *frowns* “Oh. Fine. The day will come.” *goes back to the pot*

Seymour: “I need to tell you about this guy.”

Kuja: “Is it anyone from where we live?”

Seymour: “God no!”

Kuja: “Okay, then I’m listening.”

Seymour: “You know that guy Shadow…the one that wears the mask all the time?”

Kuja: “God, he needs a wardrobe makeover worse than anyone.”

Seymour: “Right, that’s him. Anyway, when I was trapped in his dog’s body, I saw him with his mask off.”

Kuja: *turns with his jaw dropped* “Shut up. You did not.”

Seymour: “I did. And he is *so* gorgeous!”

Kuja: “Ooh! Ooh! What does he look like?”

Seymour: “Well, he has longish black hair, about down to his shoulders, and it’s kinda wavy. And he’s got deep blue eyes.”

Kuja: *dreamy sigh* “Sounds sexy.”

Seymour: “He is! I can’t get him out of my head!”

Kuja: “I want to see him myself!”

Seymour: “Good luck! He keeps that mask on 24-7!”

Kuja: “Nonsense! If you and I put our heads together, we can think of a way to see him!” *turns back to the pot* “But I’ll need nice hair to think.”

(meanwhile, back to the group at the table)

Tseng: “…So we had word that you were looking to buy some land…”

Sasha: “Yes, we’re looking to build a second camp.”

Laguna: “Hey, hey! Double the fun!”

Kiros: *hits himself in the head* “How many times can I tell him he’s stupid?”

Ward: *sigh*

Tseng: “Um, Laguna, we’re here to tell them about how *bad* the land is, remember?”

Laguna: “…Uh, oh. Oops! Right!”

Milla: “There is something wrong with this land?”

Tseng: “Yeah. Oh yeah. Super bad.”

(in the background zell is swinging on a tree branch, and seifer is coming up behind him with a big stick. Nida is picking some mushrooms. Squall looks bored and rinoa is fawning over some flowers.)

Sasha: “Such as what?”

Tseng: “Um, swamp. It get really muddy when it rains.”

Sasha: *shrugs* “That should make it cheaper then.”

Laguna: “It’s really not convenient to the grocery store!”

(everyone stares at him like what the hell)

Scarlet: “Why would a camp care about being near a grocery store?”

Kiros: “Ward says stop killing the brain cells of everyone around you!”

Ward: *rubbing temples*

(in the background, seifer whacks zell with the stick and laughs. Zell lets go of the branch and chases after seifer angrily.)

Sasha: “Is that it?”

Hojo: “No! There are many strange animals roaming about…animals you don’t ever want to meet. Animals that god himself would not dare to create.”

Sasha: “We have psychic bears that regularly attack the campers.”

Milla: “It keeps them on their feet!”

Laguna: “Psychic bears! Yikes! They’ll swipe more than your picnic basket!”

Everyone: “…….”

Kiros: “Ward says will you shut up?! You’re slowly killing us all!”

Sasha: *looking at laguna thoughtfully* “I would love to get into your mind. You must have a lot of mental cobwebs in there.”

Laguna: “Dr. Odine said I was fine at my physical…”

(in the background, zell and seifer are now fighting with sticks, and nida is trying to convince squall to eat his mushrooms. Squall just looks bored and keeps rejecting him. Rinoa is making a daisy chain. Suddenly a psychic bear comes by growling, and all of them run off screaming. The group inside looks out the window but sees nothing)

Scarlet: “Damn kids.”

Sasha: *still looking at laguna* “You intrigue me. Mind if I study your brain?”

Laguna: “Sounds groovy!” *to kiros and ward* “Hear that? I’m gonna be studied!”

Kiros: “Ward says it’s ‘cause your stupidity is too much to be believed.”

Tseng: “What about the land?”

Milla: “Well, you haven’t really convinced it’s bad, darling.”

Tseng: “It’s bad though! Really bad! So many things I can’t even remember them!”

Sasha: “Perhaps if you remember some, you should bring it to our attention. Until then, our bid stands.”

(he and milla get up, and sasha gestures for laguna to follow him)

Hojo: “Can I come?”

Sasha: “No. My lab is secret.”

Hojo: “Oh, everybody says that.”

(but sasha, milla and laguna leave.)

Tseng: “Dammit, what now?” *pokes san diego* “Are you even alive?”

San Diego: *shakes head* “Huh? Oh, I fell asleep with my eyes open!”

Tseng: “Some use you are.”

(then squall, rinoa, zell, seifer and nida come running in, out of breath)

Nida: *panting* “Ohmygod! They have…psychic bears… psychic… freakin… bears!”

Scarlet: “That’s old news.”

Rinoa: “Where’s Laguna?”

Hojo: “The brain scientist took him to be examined.”

Squall: “Finally.”

Kiros: “Ward says they can keep him!”

Zell: “Can we go in the lake now?”

Seifer: “Yeah, it’s hot out!”

Tseng: “No! We still haven’t convinced them the land is bad yet! We’ve gotta think of a plan.”

Seifer: “Can you think while we go in the lake?”

Tseng: “No! What the hell is wrong with you people?!?!”

Squall: “This is why I hate being the leader.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, back in the land of animal crossing, our gang is wandering along in the direction of the store)

Selphie: “Look at all the cute little houses! Don’t you just wanna live here?”

Quistis: *peering in the window of a house* “Some of these people have expensive looking stuff.”

Kefka: *on the roof* “I win! I win!”

Barret: *looking at him* “Yo! Get yo’ ass down from dat there rooftop, punk! I don’t want no trouble!”

Yuffie: *looking off into the distance* “Hey,  I think I see the store over there!”

(they all look over to see a huuuuuuuuuuuuuge building with huge neon signs all over it)

Tidus: “That can’t be a store. It looks like some kinda casino.”

Cloud: *mesmerized* “Ooh… Glowy…”

Tifa: *sigh* “Where’s Reno when you need him?”

Cid: “@#$@#^#%&*#^!$#!$#@%^$%&%^&^^^#@%@^!”

Barret: “Yo! Cid be right! Let’s go see what dat be!”

(so they go over. and sure enough, it says tom nooks buy-o-rama on the front in flashing neon letters. the store is impossibly enormous)

Everyone: “Wow…”

Kimahri: “Kimahri impressed.”

Wakka: “I’ve never been intimidated by a store before, ya.”

Lulu: “I guess we better go inside.”

(so they do. and the store is full of stuff for sale. theres stuff as far as the eye can see. as soon as they enter a raccoon in a blue suit comes rushing over and speaks in a little squeaky cute voice)

Raccoon: “Hello, hello. Please look around. Let me know if you like anything.”

Everyone: *blink blink*

Barret: “Yo! We be lookin’ for Tom Nook!”

Raccoon: “Tom Nook? Why that’s me!”

Everyone: *blink blink*

Barret: *to cid quietly* “Yo! He’s a freakin’ Raccoon!”

Cid: *quietly* “@#$^#@$@…”

Barret: *quietly to red* “Yo! You talk to him, raccoon skin! He be like yo’ species.”

Red: “…I should have thrown myself off the train…”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, back at the ramble room, bryatt, elena, lark and richter are in the pool. simon, juste and trevor are sitting nearby, basking in the sun and drifting in and out of sleep.)

Richter: *eyes closed* “Marco?”

Bryatt, Lark and Elena: “Polo!”

Richter: *grabbing bryatt* “Ah ha! I’ve got you again!”

Bryatt: “Dammit! This game is no fun to play with you! Your senses are too good.”

Richter: “They have to be to fight Dracula.”

Trevor, Simon and Juste: *jerking out of sleep* “Dracula?! Where?!”

Franswa: *entering with a plate of cookies* “Cookies are ready! Made with Splenda for those whose bodies are too old to process sugar anymore!”

Trevor: “Don’t mock us. Who was the one who fought Dracula and who sat in the corner and cried with his teddy bear?”

Franswa: “It was a stuffed elephant. And do you want a cookie or not?”

Trevor: “…Yes.” *takes one*

(they all get out of the pool and get cookies)

Elena: “Mmm… These are great!”

Bryatt: “Yeah, you should be a chef or something.”

Richter: “No! He can’t be a chef! He has to be a vampire hunter like he was born to be!”

Franswa: “You’re not the boss of me!” *runs out crying*

Everyone: “……..”

Bryatt: “…Ever consider getting him some therapy?”

Simon: “Belmont’s don’t need therapy!”

Bryatt: *under his breath* “Oh boy.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, back to rufusbria, setzer, edgar and shell return)

Rufus: “Yes! You’ve returned! Am I free now?”

Bria: “Reeve, have you finished yet?”

Reeve: *has huge piles of papers stacked around him* “When did it get so dark out?”

Rufus: “It’s gonna get way darker if you don’t finish those soon!”

Shell: “Rude, what are you doing with Cait Sith?”

Rude: “He was attacking Reeve, Shell.”

Cait Sith: “I was not! I was framed!”

Shell: “Cait Sith, leave Reeve alone! He has an important job to do! Who will pay Rude if Rufus is in jail?”

Rufus: “Not my bank account in the Canary Islands! That’s for sure!”

Bria: “Your what?”

Rufus: *sweat drops* “Nothing.”

Edgar: “Not to worry, Rufus. We all gave you a glowing review.”

Shell: “I mostly talked about how badly you need to stay employed, Rude.”

Rude: “Thank you, Shell.”

Shell: “’Cause otherwise I won’t get stuff. You know I meant it that way, right, Rude?”

Rude: “Of course, Shell.”

Setzer: “And I talked about the time those orphans dropped the money they were collecting for charity, and you picked it up and insisted on returning it to them personally.”

Rufus: *sweat drops* “Heh heh… Yeah… That’s what I did…”

Edgar: “And I recounted the time you and that lady from the charity auction both wanted that gold Rolex, but it was the last one. So you generously offered to buy it and donate it to the auction.”

Rufus: *hiding gold rolex watch on his wrist* “Yeah… I’m so generous…”

Bria: “You know, Rufus, I have to admit, I was impressed with all the nice stories your friends had to say about you.”

Cait Sith: “Liars! They’re all liars! I saw him steal a lollipop from a baby once!”

Rufus: “No! It was a Hershey bar!”

Everyone: *blink blink*

Rufus: “Uh… I never did that.”

Shell: “Shut up, Cait Sith! You should have been melted down years ago!”

Cait Sith: “Reeve is too much of a *wuss* to even try!”

Reeve: “I can’t work with you all screaming like this!”

Rufus: “If I end up in jail I’m taking you all with me!”

Bria: *sweat drops* “It was probably for the best that I left the ramble room…”

 

 

To Be Continued…

dun dun dun…

 

 

 

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