Rufus: “God, I love that damn cactus!”
Originally Published: 3/23/05 . 55 pages
Synopsis
Rufus and the MAFIA start a TV channel, and their friends get to star in the shows!
Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.
I had a huge list of ideas for this ramble, and most of them made the cut, which is why it turned out so long! This ramble only has a few uneven sections (the Sesame Street parody totally fell flat) – most of it is pretty funny. My favorite shows are Turks, Legal Case, the news and Professor Hojo’s World. (I used to watch a show called Mr. Wizard’s World as a kid.) Of course there’s also anything involving Rufus and the cactaurs. I’m glad I limited some of the shows to just one segment – like Reno’s cooking show and Treize, because they worked great once. I remember when I was writing this there was so much going on I had to eventually outline the rest of it so I could get it done. That’s something I almost never did in the old days, but I would more often going forward.
(the ramble room mafia is gathered in their secret meeting room, all except rufus. In case you don’t remember who’s in the mafia, it’s: algus, edgar, setzer, sephiroth, shell and laguna.)
Algus: “Where is Rufus? It is not like him to be late.”
Edgar: “It’s been quite awhile since we’ve had one of our meetings. I wonder what it could be regarding?”
Sephiroth: “If it’s about another accessory he got for Mr. Jingles, I swear-“
(but before he can finish his thought, rufus enters, smiling as usual.)
Rufus: “Hello, fellow MAFIA members! I have great news! I’m starting my own TV station!”
Sephiroth: “That’s fantastic, Rufus, can I go now?”
Rufus: “I’m not finished yet! I thought of a great way for you all to make money from it as well!”
Sephiroth: “Wait a minute… You… Thinking about how other people can profit from something?” *gives him a weird look* “Who are you and what have you done with the real Rufus?”
Rufus: “Well, this is a very expensive undertaking, and I have so many different things going on right now… Between my mall, and my hotel, and all my products and my company… I can’t do it by myself.”
Laguna: “Hey hey! Sounds fun!”
Setzer: “What do you need us for, Rufus?”
Rufus: “Well, I was hoping you would be willing to help me produce the shows for the network. Then we can all share in all the ad revenue we’ll get from the commercials!”
Sephiroth: “I have a feeling that most of the commercials, if not all of them, will come from your own companies, Rufus. Where’s the money in that?”
Rufus: “Well, I still plan on paying for the ad space… Although I never said it would be expensive.”
Shell: “I don’t know if I want to be investing in something like this… Even if it isn’t my own money.”
Rufus: “Come on, everyone! These don’t have to be the most expensive shows ever! I’m not talking about quality programming here! I’m talking about junk that’s barely watchable but people stay glued to it anyway! Like reality shows! And talk shows! And you don’t have to hire actors or anything. We can just make people from the ramble room work for next to nothing! They’ll be so thrilled to be on TV, they won’t care how little they’re being paid!”
Algus: “Are you guaranteeing that we’ll be making a profit?”
Rufus: “Absolutely! I might try and cheat other people, but you guys – never!”
Algus: “…All right. If you give it your guarantee, I’m in.”
Edgar: “Me too.”
Setzer: “Make it three.”
Laguna: “Me too! Sounds like fun!”
Shell: *shrugs* “Sure, why not? Rude can wear those Walmart flip-flips for another couple years.”
Sephiroth: “…Okay, Rufus. Me too. But I want to be a big part of making programming decisions.”
Rufus: “No problem! You can write and star in your own show for all I care. Now let’s get started!”
…………………………………………………………………………………………….
(a bit later, the mafia, or mob, if you prefer, is still figuring out their programming. Rufus is hanging up the phone)
Rufus: “Excellent! That’s another show!” *he writes something down*
Laguna: “Hey hey! Is there anything for me to do?”
Algus: “Rufus, if I’m in charge of the news program, does that give me full control over who I choose to be in it?”
Rufus: “Of course, my friend! I trust you!”
Laguna: “Can I be in it? I used to write news stories all the time!”
Sephiroth: “I already have character sketches for my show! Can it be an hour long?”
Rufus: “Sure! We need to fill most of the day here, people. I’ll fill the rest of the time with my infomercials.”
Laguna: “Can I be in the infomercials?”
Rufus: *sigh* “Laguna… Can you shut up?”
Laguna: “Hey hey, don’t get mad! I just want something to do! Everyone else has their own project!”
Rufus: “All right, um… How about…” *lightbulb* “I know! You can star in your own reality show! It can be all about your everyday life as President of Esthar!”
Laguna: “Hey, hey! Sounds exciting!”
Sephiroth: “Yeah! And you can have Brady do all the camera work for you!”
Rufus: “Why don’t you get started on it right now?”
Laguna: “Great idea! I’ll go find Brady right now!”
(laguna runs out, and rufus breathes a sigh of relief)
Rufus: “Now that the dead weight is gone, we can get on with it.”
Shell: “I can understand the getting rid of Laguna thing, but why did you tell him to go ask Brady to film it, Sephiroth?”
Sephiroth: “So we can kill two birds with one stone, duh.”
……………………………………………………………………………………………
(later, rufus and the mafia, minus laguna, are sitting around once again. Rufus has a list in front of him)
Rufus: “Okay, here is the final list of programming we’ve come up with to start off the Shinra Television Network. First there’s ‘King Cactuar’s Island’, a children’s program featuring a lovable Cactuar and his Tonberry pals. This is animated, so we have to find some people to draw… Zell has already agreed to do King Cactuar’s voice.”
Sephiroth: “Why the hell did you pick Zell?”
Rufus: “Because he does anything I tell him without complaining. And he promised to work for free.”
Sephiroth: “Makes sense.”
Rufus: “Next on the list: ‘The Totally Undead Life’ which is a reality show staring Dracula and Alucard. Basically it follows their day to day life. Then there’s ‘Shinra Street’—“
Shell: “A rip-off of Sesame Street if I ever saw one.”
Rufus: “—Exactly—and then there’s Professor Hojo’s World—“
Sephiroth: “Wait, WHAT? Why are you letting that freak have a show?”
Rufus: “I needed something with educational content!”
Sephiroth: “What are you trying to teach people? How to be sick weirdos?”
Rufus: “Next on the schedule – ‘Turks’, a show focusing on the Turks and their various missions.”
Shell: “Cops rip-off.”
Rufus: “I talked to Reno about doing his own cooking show. Every channel needs a cooking show.”
Shell: “Can Reno even cook? The only thing I’ve ever seen him make was toast. And he burnt it to a crisp!”
Rufus: “Great! It’ll be all the more entertaining! And then there’s the token talk show, Treize, with Treize from Gundam Wing-
Shell: *mutters* “There’s a train wreck waiting to happen.”
Rufus: “-and then there’s Shinra News, which Algus is in charge of.”
Algus: “I must find an equally attractive blonde woman to be my co-anchor.”
Rufus: “Sounds good, my friend. Finally we have Laguna’s show and Sephiroth’s hour long drama.”
Sephiroth: “It’s called Legal Case, and it stars me as the head of an up and coming law firm.”
Rufus: “Fantastic. Okay, people, let’s get out there and start making television!”
(everyone gets up and starts to leave the room)
Rufus: “Oh, Setzer, can I talk to you?”
(edgar and setzer exchange a confused look, but setzer goes over to rufus. Everyone else leaves)
Rufus: “I have one more show idea, and I want you to be the star!”
Setzer: *confused* “Me? What is it?”
Rufus: “I call it: This Poor Single Guy, and it features you trying to find the woman of your dreams. It’s like the Bachelor, only…not.”
Setzer: *sweat drops* “Uh… I don’t think so, Rufus. I’m not really-“
Rufus: *cutting him off* “Now, now! I’m not taking no for an answer. We start casting girls tomorrow! See you then!” *he leaves*
Setzer: *big sigh* “Oh boy. Eddies’ not gonna like this one.”
……………………………………………………………………………………………..
(the next day, algus is holding open auditions for his co-anchor. With him is the rest of the his hand picked Shinra news team: lark the weather girl, barret the sports guy, zidane the on the scene reporter, cid the traffic reporter, and reeve the business reporter. They’re all sitting behind a long table.)
Barret: “Yo, Algus! These girls be mad whack, yo!”
Cid: “$@%@^$@#&#$&@#^$##!”
Barret: “Yo! You tell ‘im, Cid!”
Algus: *sigh* “Alas, we have seen no one remotely interesting.”
Zidane: “I’ll take the job!”
Algus: “Silence, slave. I said I wanted a beautiful woman at my side and you are none of the above.”
Zidane: “Am I not beautiful because of the tail? Because that’s discrimination!”
Barret: “Yo! Lay it on ‘im, Z!”
Algus: “Zidane, watch your tongue. I’m paying you in socks for this. I expect complete subordination.”
Zidane: *mutters to himself* “Stupid feet that need to be warm.”
Algus: *calls out* “Vivi! Send in the next applicant!”
Lark: “Scarlet better not try and force her way in here again.”
Reeve: “And what was that she was wearing?”
Lark: “I don’t know, but it should be illegal in all countries.”
(vivi enters with a stunning, smiling blonde. Algus immediately perks up upon seeing her)
Algus: “Why hello. I am Algus, and this is the rest of the Shinra News Team: Lark, Barret, Cid, Zidane and Reeve.
????????: “Nice to meet you all. I’m Sunshine.”
(algus asks sunshine some questions. Obviously he’s very taken with her. They do a practice newscast, and she does extremely well.)
Algus: “Well, that was really quite good.”
Sunshine: “Thank you.”
Algus: “I think it’s safe to say you’re hired.”
Sunshine: “Really? Oh thank you!”
Algus: “Report here at 6 o’clock Monday morning.”
Sunshine: “Thank you! Thank you very much!”
(she exits excitedly)
Barret: “Yo! 6 a.m.? What crack you be smokin’?”
Algus: “People like to have the news before they go to work in the morning.”
Barret: “Yo! Screw ‘em!”
Cid: “#$%@%$^@#&@&!”
Barret: “You tell ‘im, Cid!”
Algus: “If you do not like the way I run things, you can earn your gold chains another way.”
Barret: *mutters something and hangs head*
Zidane: “Hey! You’re paying him in gold chains?! That’s not fair!”
……………………………………………………………………………………………..
(meanwhile on the set of ‘legal case’, sephiroth has gathered his cast, consisting of vincent, twilight, rude, rinoa, quistis, auron, and seifer. He is holding a pile of scripts.)
Sephiroth: “Here are your scripts with the descriptions of your characters.” *he hands vincent his script*
Vincent: “Reginald Albright, the oldest member of the law firm who has very old fashioned ideas and is constantly scolding everyone.”
Sephiroth: “Like looking in a mirror, right? I made your part easy to play.”
Vincent: “I lost my arm fighting in the War of 1812?! Just how old is my character supposed to be exactly?”
Sephiroth: “I don’t know, somewhere over the 200 mark. I thought making you older than dirt would give the show an interesting twist. And you got that new robotic arm from the mob.”
Vincent: “Oh dear.”
Sephiroth: *hands a script to twilight* “Here you go, Twilight. I know you can’t read, but I didn’t want to leave you out.”
Twilight: “Thanks, buddy! So whose ass do I get to kick in this show?”
Sephiroth: “You play Judge Hardman, the nasty judge with a heart of black who doesn’t think twice about giving out the hardest sentences.”
Twilight: “Awesome!” *they high five*
Sephiroth: *handing script to rude* “I gave you the hardest part, Rude. I wanted someone really cool to play this part, but I can’t play two parts on the same show.” *laughs*
Rude:*reads* “T.J. Strawman, the young attorney who seems like a total ditz but always manages to have really good ideas. Likes to smoke the pot.” *frowns*
Sephiroth: *handing script to rinoa along with a flashy piece of silver material* “Here’s your script. And your costume. Rufus picked it out.”
Rinoa: *unfolds the material to see it is an extremely skanky dress* “What the hell is this?! What am I, the office slut?!”
Sephiroth: “Exactly! You play Misty Sass, the secretary who can’t keep her legs together! By the end of the first episode you’ve already slept with half the office.”
Rinoa: “Sephiroth! I don’t want to play a character like that!”
Sephiroth: “Hey, it wasn’t my idea! Rufus said I couldn’t do my show without a scantily dressed female character.”
Rinoa: *frowns* “This isn’t going to help my crackwhore image…”
Sephiroth: *handing a script to quistis* “You’re part of our rival law firm.”
Quistis: “Ashley Framingham, the snooty female lawyer who is not nice to anyone. Is a big bitch.”
Sephiroth: “Doesn’t that sound fun?”
Quistis: “Exactly *how* are we getting paid for this again?”
Sephiroth: “Uh…. We’ll discuss that later.” *hands script to auron*
Auron: “Quincy Powers, head of the rival law firm and a complete sexist and racist.” *frowns* “Don’t quite like the sound of that.”
Sephiroth: “Sorry, but typecasting is so easy.” *hands script to seifer*
Seifer: “Cool! I play Trevor Stockton, one of the lawyers on the rival firm who is a total self-centered pig!”
Sephiroth: “And I play Maxmillian Viking, head of a new law firm and an all around good and handsome man. Oh, and smart. I forgot smart.”
Auron: “Hm. Of course.”
Sephiroth: “Shut up, Auroran.” *smiles* “Okay! Let’s go practice!”
……………………………………………………………………………………………
(meanwhile in esthar, laguna has recruited Brady to film his show. He is in his office in esthar, along with kiros and ward, and, of course, squall)
Brady: *is setting up the camera* “So… How do you want this show to be edited? Like, how do you want to be portrayed to the people watching?”
Kiros: “Ward says there’s nothing you can do to stop him from looking like an idiot.”
Ward: *frowns*
Laguna: “Uh… Well, I don’t really know anything about the camera thingy. Whatever you think the kids will find hip! Right, Squall?”
Squall: *rolls eyes* “Whatever. Can I go?”
Laguna: “No, Squall!” *puts an arm around him* “I want everyone to see how much I love my son!”
Squall: “You just want me to die of embarrassment.”
Brady: *holding up camera* “Okay, everybody, we’re ready to go.”
Laguna: “Hey, hey! Awesome! Who’s ready to make the most rockinest TV show ever?!”
Kiros: “Ward says not him.”
Ward: *sigh*
Squall: “Can I wear a paper bag over my head?”
Brady: *mutters to himself* “…I don’t know if this is going to be entertaining, or just sad.”
…………………………………………………………………………………………….
(and finally the day arrives – the launch of shinra TV! Rufus has gathered Noelle, Ashley and Katie in the ramble room to watch.)
Rufus: “Welcome, welcome, to the premiere of Shinra TV. Prepare to be amazed by the sheer quality of the programs, and the sheer quantity of the commercials.”
Noelle: “Rufus, what the hell kind of TV do you have on at 7 o’clock in the morning?”
Ashley: “Yeah, and it better be good. Seifer kept me up all night with his snoring and his crying out for ‘Slimey’.”
Katie: “Slimey?”
Ashley: “Yeah… His childhood stuffed snail. I think he needs therapy.”
Rufus: “…Weird. Anyway, it’s TV aimed at children, of course! Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll enjoy it too – you’re practically mothers.”
Noelle: “Practically mothers? We’re in our early 20’s, and none of us are married!”
Rufus: “Yeah, but… You’re girls.”
Ashley: “Oh god, this is too ass lancing for me so early in the morning. Just turn on the TV.”
Rufus: “You got it! Prepare to enjoy King Cactuar’s Island!”
(he clicks on the TV and we are just in time to enjoy the opening credits of king cactuar’s island, which involves the title words dancing on the screen to the theme song)
TV: “King Cactuar’s Island… King Cactuar… King Cactuar’s Island… King Cactuar… King Cactuar’s I-I-sland!”
Ashley: *rolls eyes* “Grammy award winning.”
Rufus: *excitedly* “Isn’t it? I wrote it myself!”
(we then see a really crappily animated cactuar come on screen, and it starts dancing around. You know how the cactuar moves when you fight them in ff8, with their arms moving up and down? Well that’s how it’s dancing. And that’s all it does.)
Rufus: “God, I love that damn cactus!”
Girls: *give him a weird look*
(ten minutes later…)
Noelle: *yelling at tv* “Oh my god, make the damn thing stop dancing!”
Katie: “I’d rather watch paint dry…”
Rufus: “Shush! The good part’s coming!”
(finally king cactuar stops dancing. He is then joined by two tonberries.)
Cactuar: *obviously voiced by zell trying to make his voice deep and wise* “Hi there, kids! HAHA! Did I tell you how we have to save the plants? HAHA!”
Tonberries: *also voiced by zell only with a high sounding voice* “No, King Cactuar! Teach us! Teach us!”
(fifteen minutes later)
Ashley: “Oh my god, all he talks about is saving the damn plants!”
Katie: “And what’s with the ‘haha’ after every damn sentence?!”
Rufus: “Shush! The big finish!”
Cactuar: “Remember, kids! HAHA! Treat plants like you treat people!! Now let’s dance! HAHA!”
(they all start dancing again as the credits start to roll.)
Rufus: “So! What do you think?”
Ashley: “Uh, Rufus, I think the fact that we hated it was pretty obvious.”
Rufus: *pouts* “Well, what do you know? You’re not mothers.”
Girls: *sigh*
…………………………………………………………………………………………….
(anyway, so the tv goes on…now it’s Turks)
TV: *theme song, to the tune of the cops theme song* “Bad Turks, bad Turks. Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? Bad Turks, bad Turks. Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you…” *narrator* “Turks is filmed on location.”
(location being tseng’s office. He’s at his desk with his feet up, reading the newspaper. Reno is lying down on the couch, elena is sitting in a chair looking bored, and rude is in the bathroom.)
Elena: “…When was the last time we actually had a job? It doesn’t even feel like we work here anymore.”
Reno: “According to the government we don’t. I’ve been collecting unemployment for months.”
Elena: “Aren’t you collecting disability too?”
Reno: “Oh yeah.”
Elena: “But you’re not disabled.”
Reno: “I stubbed my pinky toe that one time.”
Rude: *coming out of the bathroom* “…Smells nice in there.”
Tseng: *still reading* “You like it? It’s one of those things you plug into the wall. I had a coupon.”
Elena: “Hey, Rude, are those new shoes?”
Rude: “Um…they are to me.”
Reno: “He swiped them from the clothing drive bin downstairs.”
Elena: “Rude! That stuff’s supposed to be for charity!”
Reno: “Rude is charity.”
Rude: *hangs head*
Elena: “That’s true.”
…………………………………………………………………………………………….
TV Voice: “And now, your Shinra News Team! With Algus Sadalfas!” *smiling picture of algus shown* “Sunshine Johansen!” *smiling picture of sunshine shown* “Lark Lexington with weather!” *smiling picture of lark shown –like the stage name* “Barret Wallace with sports!” *smiling picture of barret shown* “Cid Highwind with traffic.” *smiling picture of cid shown* “And Reeve Leander with business news.” *smiling picture of reeve shown* “And now, here’s Shinra’s #1 news team.”
Sunshine: “Greetings, everyone. I’m Sunshine Johansen.”
Algus: “And I’m Algus Sadalfas. In today’s top story, some insignificant peasant man was found dead this morning in the Midgar slums. Police could not locate any identification, because he was nothing more than a penniless beggar, and had nothing. Sunshine?”
Sunshine: *looking at him weird* “Uh…thank you, Algus. In other news, millionaire and Shinra backer J. B. Bloomsmouth was found dead in his bed this morning by his maid.”
Algus: “What?!?! Someone was murdered?! Who did this?!”
Sunshine: “We go live to Zidane Tribal at the scene. Zidane?”
(zidane is standing in front of a huge house with a microphone)
Zidane: “Thanks, Sunshine. I’m here in front of what was once the house of J. B. Bloomsmouth, a name familiar to all Shinra investors. This morning his maid walked in to make his bed, and found the millionaire dead.
Algus: *frantically* “Who did this?!?! Did you find them, Zidane!?! Call the police!!”
Zidane: “The police have already investigated the area, Algus, and are unsure of what happened to Mr. Bloomsmouth. A full investigation has been started.”
Algus: “A full investigation?!?! That’s it?! No helicopter searches?! What are they thinking?!?!”
Zidane: “The family right now is stunned. I talked to his widow, and she was just wondering what happened.”
Algus: “Aren’t we all?!”
Zidane: “Reporting live from the Bloomsmouth home, I’m Zidane Tribal.”
Algus: “Thank you, Zidane, for this awful, awful news! Viewers, if you have seen any peasants who look suspicious, and who you think may have murdered someone, please call your local police immediately! We will be sure to keep on this story as it continues to develop. We will not sleep until his murderer is behind bars!”
Sunshine: *looks uncomfortable* “We now go to Cid with your traffic report. How are the roads looking, Cid?”
Cid: “@%@$^##T#$%#@%$##$^#$^@#^$#!! $#%#@$^%#@^@#%$!@%$@!$^%#^$@#&%@#!!! @%@! #$^%#@!!!!! #%^#@%$@#%@#!!!! #$%#@%$#$^#%@$@#$@^#^@#$%#$^&&*@#$%@!!!!!!! !#%@#!”
Sunshine: “Uh…thank you, Cid, for that graphic report.”
Algus: “Now to Barret, with sports.”
Barret: “Yo! Ain’t nothin’ goin’ on! No football! No hockey! Baseball ain’t really started yet, and basketball sucks, yo! Did you see them Knicks? Man, I could whip their asses myself, yo!”
Algus: “Thank you, Barret, for absolutely nothing.”
Sunshine: “And now to Lark with weather. Lark?”
Lark: *in front of a map of midgar* “Well, there’s not much to say, Sunshine. The top plate is covered by heavy smog due to the problems from reactor number 7, and the slums are experiencing no weather at all.”
Sunshine: “Well, thank you for that report, Lark.”
Algus: “And finally we go to Reeve with today’s business report. Reeve?”
Reeve: “Well, stock in Shinra went up today, perhaps the death of J. B. Bloomsmouth playing at part in that—“
Algus: “Remember! If you see any suspicious persons immediately contact your local police force and have them arrested for his murder!!”
Reeve: “…Um, in other business news, Rufus Shinra has announced the launch of his new TV station…this one…which adds yet another notch to his already impressive portfolio of business ventures.” *mutters to himself* “I can’t believe I agreed to say that.”
Algus: “Thank you, Reeve.”
Sunshine: “That concludes this edition of Shinra News.”
Algus: “Remember to keep your eyes peeled for the Bloomsmouth killer. He could strike again!!” *looks nervous*
Sunshine: *smiling nervously* “See you next time.”
……………………………………………………………………………………………
TV: *theme song, rip-off of sesame street theme* “Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Shinra Street?”
Narrator: “Today’s episode is sponsored by Shinra Inc., and the number 6 and the letter S.”
(we see a bunch of puppets. One is a bird. One looks like reeve, one looks like tseng, one looks like zell, one looks like heidegger, and one looks like vincent. This show is voiced entirely by zell, and it’s horribly obvious.)
Bird: *zell making a squeaky voice* “Hi, kids! I’m Big Boko, the chocobo! And I’m here to teach you about the letter S! Can you name a word that starts with S?”
Reeve: *zell making a deep voice* “Shinra starts with S!”
Tseng: *zell making a semi-deep voice* “My roommate Reeve is right! Shinra does start with S!”
Boko: “Yeah, Shinra!”
Tseng: “Now let’s sing a song about my favorite thing in the world – rubber duckies!”
Zell: *speaking like himself* “No, no! Zell want to dance!” *starts dancing*
Boko: “You know, sing starts with the letter S!”
Vincent: *zell speaking with a vampire* “Hahaha! That’s two words that start with S! One! Two! Hahaha.”
Heidegger: *zell just being really loud* “Gya haa haa! Cookie!” *shoves a bunch of cookies in his mouth*
Vincent: “That’s one, two, three, four, five, six cookies! Six cookies! Hahaha!”
Boko: “Six! That’s today’s magic number!”
(suddenly a puppet that looks like sephiroth pops out of a garbage can)
Sephiroth: *zell making a really deep voice* “Would you guys shut up? I’m trying to organize my garbage collection!”
Vincent: “One, two, three pieces of garbage! Hahaha!”
………………………………………………………………………………………….
Announcer: “Today on Treize… Grown men who rely on stuffed animals.”
(his guests are seifer and wufei. seifer looks very uncomfortable being there.)
Treize: “Please welcome my guests, Chang Wufei and Seifer Almasy!”
(audience claps)
Treize: “Wufei, who is your friend there?”
Wufei: *hugging bunny nataku* “Nobody. Shut up, fruit!”
Treize: “Now, Wufei, nobody is here to judge you. We all understand that sometimes life is hard and it’s comforting to climb into bed and cuddle with a fluffy stuffy. Especially in times of war it is hard to be comforted. You must rely on whatever you can find to soothe your fragile—“
Wufei: “Treize! Shut up! I’ll talk if you stop rambling like an idiot!”
Treize: “Ah, yes. So, Wufei, who is your bunny friend?”
Wufei: “…Nataku.”
Treize: “And is he named after anything special?”
Wufei: “You know damn well!”
Treize: “And Seifer, is there something you’d like to share?”
Seifer: “…No.”
Treize: “No…fond childhood memories—“
Seifer: *bursts out crying with his head in his hands* “Oh, Slimey! What happened to you? Why did matron have to take you away?!”
Treize: “We now have a surprise guest joining us via satellite—Rufus J. Shinra!”
(a video screen lights up in the back and rufus appears looking confused)
Rufus: “What is this? A new commercial? Is it for mako? It’s for mako, isn’t it. Haha, what kind of bullsh*t should I use this time? ‘Mako’s good for the planet’? ‘Mako makes the air cleaner’? Just tell me when we’re rolling.”
Treize: “It’s rolling, and you’re on Treize!”
(audience claps and rufus looks more confused)
Rufus: “What? Oh.” *loosens collar* “Oh. I knew that! Is this a show on how the rich and famous live?” *grins*
Treize: “No, today’s topic is grown men who rely on stuffed animals.”
Rufus: *all color draining from his face* “What? Uh…I don’t know what you’re talking about…”
Treize: “I’ve heard you have a special friend named Mr. Jingles.”
Rufus: *speaking very quickly* “Mr Jingles? Never heard of him. Is he an assistant of Santa or something? I have to be going. Good luck with the show! Buy Shinra!” *connection dies*
Treize: “Hmm… Why does it seem that so many men are ashamed to love their fluffy animals? Is there shame in loving a stuffed creature of happiness? Is there something wrong with cuddling up with something warm and snuggly at night? I know I enjoy snuggling with my warm, comfy Zechs at night. Is a stuffed toy any different? Why is there so much shame in the world? Why is there so much shame in war? Sometimes war is a necessary thing. Sometimes it is the only way to stop evil. Sometimes—“
Wufei: “Oh, SHUT UP! This is not worth Wufei’s precious time.” *he storms off*
Seifer: *still sobbing and crying over slimey*
Treize: *smiles at camera* “We’ll be right back.”
…………………………………………………………………………………………..
(and now to laguna’s show. besides serving as the camera man, Brady is also trying to guide things along and keep them interesting)
Laguna: “Hey, hey! I’m President of Esthar! These are my friends and aides Ward and Kiros!”
Kiros: *waves* “Hello.”
Ward: *nods*
Laguna: “Ward can’t talk, but Kiros always seems to know what he wants to say!”
Kiros: “Right. Like right now Ward says Laguna’s ugly mug is probably scarring many viewers.”
Laguna: *frowns* “How come Ward never says nice things?” *shrugs* “Anyway, meet my son Squall! He’s leader of his Garden!”
Squall: *sitting there pouting*
Laguna: “Hey, son! You wanna play G.I. Joe with your dear old dad?”
Squall: “No, you imbecile. You’re President of Esthar. Don’t you have any actual *work* that needs to get done?”
Laguna: *thinks* “Come to think of it, no… Nobody even puts anything in my mailbox! Someone else must be doing it for me!”
Kiros: “Ward says it’s obviously because you’re too dumb to be President.”
Laguna: *thoughtfully* “I wonder who’s been doing all my work for me…” *lightbulb* “Hey! We’ve got a mystery on our hands! Let’s solve it together, son!”
Squall: *hand to his head* “I hope I don’t have any of his genes.”
Laguna: “I know! We can start by checking the security cameras in the mailroom!”
Kiros: “Ward says you can’t do that, dumbass.”
Laguna: *frowns* “Why not, Ward?”
Kiros: “Because of budget cuts. Those cameras were the first thing to go, remember?”
Laguna: “No!”
Squall: “Oh wow. Someone else is actually signing the laws into effect?”
Laguna: *looks worried*
Brady’s voice: “Oh boy…” *thinks a moment* “Hey, I know! Who wants to go into the ‘confessional room’ first?”
Laguna: *running towards it* “Ooh, me! I do!”
(laguna inside the confessional room…just him and the camera)
Laguna: “I’m totally in shock that someone has been doing my work for me! I mean, I noticed things were kinda boring around here, but I thought that was because…uh…well, I guess I didn’t really notice. But hey hey! I wish whoever was doing my work would tell me! That way I could send them a fruit basket or something…”
…………………………………………………………………………………………….
(we now return to turks. tseng is now sorting through coupons on his desk. reno is folding a newspaper carefully. elena is just sitting there staring at her nails. rude is looking out the window)
Tseng: *adding a coupon to the pile* “Anyone need a coupon for sponges?”
Reno: “Did you find any of the coupons I want yet?”
Tseng: “For the last time, Reno. They don’t put out coupons for strip clubs in the paper.”
(silence passes for a minute)
Elena: “I was thinking about dying my hair.”
Reno: “What color?”
Elena: “I don’t know.”
Tseng: “I found a coupon for hair dye.”
Reno: “You should dye it a crazy color – like purple or something.”
Elena: “Reno, no! What would President Rufus say?”
Tseng: “Sometimes I wonder if he remembers we’re alive.”
Elena: *sigh* “I guess I’ll just keep it how it is.”
Rude: “…It’s raining out.”
Reno: “Don’t worry, dude!” *holds up newspaper he has folded into a hat* “Now you can stay nice and dry!”
Tseng: “Damn, it’s raining? I left my umbrella in the car. I hate when that happens.”
Elena: “Yeah, that’s so annoying.”
(another silence)
Reno: “Is it time for lunch yet?”
Tseng: “It’s only 9:45.”
Reno: “Man! Are you serious?”
Rude: “Check it out yourself.”
(he holds out his wrist to reno and he’s wearing a watch)
Elena: “Hey, Rude – where’d you get the watch?”
Rude: “…Charity bin.”
…………………………………………………………………………………………….
Algus: “Welcome back to Shinra News. I’m Algus Sadalfas.”
Sunshine: “And I’m Sunshine Johansen. We now bring you to our top
story—“
Algus: “The continuing coverage to find the killer of millionaire J.B. Bloomsmouth. We now go to Zidane Tribal with the latest on this gruesome, gruesome murder. Zidane?”
(zidane is sitting in a room holding some index cards. he looks totally shocked that he’s on camera)
Zidane: *blinks* “Is it time for me to do my interview?”
Algus: “Interview? What interview? Why aren’t you staked out outside the Bloomsmouth mansion?”
Zidane: “There’s nothing new to report on that. The police are still investigating. It’s old news.”
Algus: “Old news? Old news?! Is that how we treat those who have been brutally murdered in their sleep? As old news?!”
Zidane: “Algus, what are you *talking* about? They’re not sure what happened to him yet. There wasn’t even any blood or signs of struggle.”
Algus: “Poison! Did they check for poison? You can never see that coming!”
Sunshine: *interrupting* “We now go to Lark with weather. Lark?”
Lark: “Well, Midgar is still dark and gloomy, but it’s sunny in Costa del Sol! Expect warm weather all day and clear skies tonight. In Midgar the top plate can expect acid rain, while the slums will continue to experience no weather changes. Algus?”
Algus: “Thank you, Lark. And before we go to Cid with traffic, I’d just like to say that I personally am giving a 10,000 gil reward to any information leading to the capture of the Bloomsmouth killer.”
Sunshine: “That’s quite generous of you, Algus. Did you know him?”
Algus: “No, but we were still brothers.”
Sunshine: “…Okay… Uh, how’s that traffic going, Cid?”
Cid:“@#%^*#$^$#%#$%@#%^#%^*&$%&*$^&($&#$%$#%@#$^%@#^@^@#$^%#@$%@#$%@#%#@$%@#$%#@%!”
Sunshine: “…Wow… Okay, Cid. That sounds…bad.”
Algus: *rolling eyes* “We now go to Zidane for his stupid and pointless interview. Zidane?”
Zidane: “Thanks for the confidence, Algus. I am here with Tseng, head of the Turks organization. Thank you for being here, Tseng.”
Tseng: “Thank you for having me.”
Zidane: “So tell me, Tseng, what exactly do the Turks do?”
Tseng: “I’m afraid I’m unable to reveal that information.”
Zidane: “Okay… Then how about explaining to our viewers how you got to be a Turk.”
Tseng: “I can’t tell you that either.”
Zidane: “Okay, then. How about telling us about your latest mission?”
Tseng: “That’s classified information.”
Zidane: *getting annoyed* “Is there *anything* you *can* tell me?”
Tseng: “Well…um…” *thinks* “I guess I could…” *pause* “Wait, no…” *thinks* “Hmm… Oh!” *stops* “Oh, wait. Never mind. If I told you that I’d have to kill you.”
Zidane: *sweat drops* “Okay, I think this interview is over. Thanks, Tseng. I guess.”
Algus: “Thank you, Zidane, that was as pointless as I thought.”
Sunshine: “We now go to Barret who has the latest sports report.”
Barret: “Yo! What da hell do ya want from me? There ain’t nothin’ to discuss! I ain’t been watchin’ no sports lately. It’s all boring #$%@!”
Sunshine: *nervous laughter* “Uh… Barret, I believe it’s your job to follow what’s going on in sports whether you like it or not. Also, you’re not allowed to use curse words on the air.”
Barret: “#$%@ that, woman! I do what I wants! I’m outtie!”
Sunshine: “…Thanks, Barret… I suppose…”
Algus: “And finally tonight, Reeve with today’s business news. Reeve?”
Reeve: “Shinra’s stock continued to rise today, which prompted this statement by Shinra President Rufus J. Shinra:”
(quick video clip of rufus standing at a podium, throwing his hands in the air excitedly)
Rufus: “I’m so RICH!”
(back to reeve)
Reeve: “In other business news, Costa del Sol has reported a drop in the amount of tourists visiting the sunny beach in recent months. Analysts say that Shinra control of Junon has made vacationers from Midgar and Kalm less willing to make the ocean voyage. In response to these allegations, President Rufus J. Shinra oddly chose the words, ‘Then let them eat cake’.”
Algus: *chuckles* “Classic.”
Reeve: “Costa del Sol announced that they plan to make the resort town more exciting so that, and I quote, ‘People will be more than willing to put up with Shinra’s-explicative deleted-to come vacation here’, end quote. I’m Reeve Leander, and that is your business news. Back to you, Algus.”
Algus: “Thank you, Reeve.”
Sunshine: “And that concludes this Shinra News report. I’m Sunshine Johansen.”
Algus: “And I’m Algus Sadalfas. We’ll be back with further coverage of the tragic Bloomsmouth murder. In the meantime, if you see any peasants doing anything somewhat suspicious, such as dancing for coins or purchasing slightly irregular clothing from a thrift store, be sure and report them to your local authorities immediately! Remember the 10,000 gil reward I am offering! This maniac could strike again!”
Sunshine: “…Have a good day everyone.”
……………………………………………………………………………………………..
Announcer: “Cooking with booze is like cooking with love…”
Reno: *smiling* “That’s my motto!” *wink*
Announcer: “It’s Cooking with Reno! And now here’s your host – the only guy who really knows how to party – Reno!”
(reno is in your typical cooking show set. he’s wearing a red apron and wearing a chef’s hat. irvine, also wearing an apron, is with him)
Reno: “Welcome, everyone! I’m Reno and this is my rockin’ kitchen! With me today is my assistant, Irvine ‘tequila chuggin’ Kinneas!”
(the audience claps)
Irvine: *tips hat* “Howdy.”
Reno: “Today we’ll be making meatloaf a la Reno! First we need to gather the ingredients. Meat… *slaps a huge hunk of meat onto the counter* “Spices…” *puts spices on counter* “And three kinds of booze: rum, tequila and trusty ol’ bourbon!”
Irvine: “What about beer?”
Reno: “I’m getting’ to it! Now you can use any kind of beer, but I like Budweiser.” *puts a case of beer on the counter* “And on the side of your spectacular booze soaked meatloaf, you’ll want some booze soaked carrots!” *puts carrots on counter*
Irvine: “So what do we do first?”
Reno: “You cut the carrots up, while I grease the pan with booze.”
Irvine: “Which booze?”
Reno: “The bourbon.” *pouring some into a pan* “You want to pour in at least an inch or two so there’s plenty for the meat to soak up.”
Irvine: *cutting up carrots* “Mmm… Smell that fresh liquor.”
Reno: “Then you roll the meat in the spices. Make sure you coat it good.” *he does so* Next put the meat in the pan, but be sure to leave space around the edges so you can put the carrots around it.”
Irvine: “Carrots are done!”
Reno: “Great! Go ahead and put ‘em in around the meat.”
(irvine does so.)
Reno: “Next pour the beer around over the carrots till it’s almost to the top of the pan.” *he does so* “Next add rum and tequila to taste.”
(he grabs the rum, irvine grabs the tequila and they both fill the pan with booze.)
Irvine: “Cool! Now what?”
Reno: “Now we drop a match on it to set it on fire and give it a smoky flavor.”
(he drops a match on it. of course the whole pan goes up in flames and starts to spread onto the counter)
Reno: “Oh, damn! It’s getting out of control!”
Irvine: *grabbing tequila bottle* “More booze’ll put it out!”
Reno: “No!!!”
(reno tries to stop him but it’s too late. irvine splashes more tequila onto the fire which only spreads it further)
Irvine: “Oh #$%@!”
Reno: “You idiot! Where’s the fire extinguisher?”
Irvine: “There’s no time!” *he quickly fills a bucket of water and dumps it on the fire putting it out* “There ya go.”
Reno: “Okay.” *smiles* “I bet it will be extra smoky now! Anyway, now you bake for 45 minutes at 425 degrees.”
(45 minutes later, reno takes it out of the oven)
Reno: “Mmm… Smell that baked in booze.”
(he puts it on the counter)
Reno: “Who wants a taste?”
Irvine: “I do!”
(reno cuts him a piece. irvine takes a small bite and immediately makes a disgusted face and spits it back out again)
Irvine: “Ugh! That is the nastiest stuff I ever tasted!”
Reno: *shocked* “What?”
Irvine: “I’ve never, EVER tasted something so freakin’ gross in my whole life! And Billy Bob cooked newspaper for dinner once!”
Reno: *quietly* “Shush! Irvine, stop talkin’ bad about it or the show might get cancelled!”
Irvine: “Dude, you *should* get cancelled.”
Reno: “Oh how bad could it be?” *he takes a bite and turns green* “Ugh… Oh boy… It’s like all my taste buds are throwing up.”
Irvine: “I guess booze is for drinking and not for cooking, eh, Reno?”
Reno: *running off* “I’m gonna be sick!”
……………………………………………………………………………………………
Announcer: “It’s Professor Hojo’s World! Starring that lovable mad scientist, Professor Hojo!”
(hojo is in a big lab with a few kids – 2 boys and a girl. kuja is his lab partner)
Hojo: “Welcome, little boys, to my magical world, with the fun and the mystery and so on and so forth! Here is my lovely lab assistant, Kuja.”
Kuja: *looking around with a sigh* “I can’t see my reflection in any of this stuff.”
Hojo: “Today, children, we’ll be learning about mechanical appendages. I’ve invited my friend Vincent to join us.”
Vincent: *entering* “I am not your friend.”
Hojo: “Now, kids, because Vincent was not such a good friend to me, I shot him, drugged him, and gave him this wonderful claw!” *holds up vincents claw*
Vincent: *sigh* “Why did I agree to come here?”
Boy 1: “Wow! That’s weird!”
Girl: “Can I touch it?” *goes to touch it*
Hojo: “No!” *slaps her hand away*
Boy 2: “Can I touch it?”
Hojo: “Of course you can! Feet how sturdy the metal is. Go ahead and stroke it a bit.”
Vincent: “Are you even allowed to be near children anymore?”
Kuja: “As long as he’s supervised.”
Boy 1: “Can he move it?”
Hojo: “Of course he can! Demonstrate the incredible power I’ve given you, Vincent!”
Vincent: *clicks claw with a sigh* “This is more of a freak show than a science program.”
Girl: “How does it work?”
Hojo: *ignores her*
Boy 2: “How does it work?”
Hojo: “Why what an intelligent question! What a smart little boy!” *pats him on the head* “The claw is actually connected right to Vincent’s muscles and nerves! So moving it is as natural as moving your arm! He feels no pain at all!”
Vincent: “Except the pain in my heart.”
Hojo: “Now that you’ve felt what a metal arm feels like, why not feel a real arm?” *he rolls up his sleeve to reveal his gross bony arm* “Go ahead!”
Girl: *goes to touch*
Hojo: *snaps* “Not you.”
(the 2 boys touch his arm)
Hojo: “Yes, go ahead and stroke it, children.”
Vincent: “This must be against something.”
Kuja: “No, the judge said above the waist is okay.”
Hojo: “I think it’s time for my mailbag! What’s today’s letter?” *boys stops touching his arm* “Hey! Did I tell you to stop?” *boy starts again*
Kuja: *sigh* “Here’s the letter.” *reads* “Dear Professor Hojo. What do you wear under your lab coat?”
Hojo: “Heheheheheheheheheheheh…”
Vincent: “Okay, that’s it, Hojo. Move away, children.”
Hojo: “No, little boys! Don’t listen to creepy claw man! He eats puppies! And kitties! And! And…uh… Oh blast, what else do children like? Plankton! Yes, Plankton!”
Vincent: “I’m calling the police.” *starts to leave*
Hojo: *following* “You’ll never get me, Valentine! I’ve done nothing against the stipulations of the settlement!”
(kuja is left alone with the children, who look scared. kuja models a bit, posing and making kissy faces for the camera)
Kuja: “…We’ll be right back.”
…………………………………………………………………………………………….
(back to laguna and company…they’re sitting around)
Brady’s voice: “So… How’s that mystery coming, Laguna?”
Laguna: “I tried to catch the person who was taking my mail last night, but I fell asleep.”
Brady’s voice: “While you were standing guard?”
Laguna: “…No… Watching Comedy Central. I never…actually…got to the mailboxes.”
Everyone: “…………..”
Kiros: “Ward says you’re pathetic.”
Laguna: *frowns* “Hey, Ward. That’s not—“ *he suddenly screams and jumps on a chair*
Brady’s voice: “What’s wrong?”
Laguna: *pointing and freaking out* “It’s a spider! Kill it! Kill it!”
Squall: “Oh, geez…”
Laguna: “C’mon, son! You can do it! Kill the spider!”
Squall: *lifts up his foot and stomps on the spider* “There.”
Laguna: “Wow! You’re a great son! That was so easy for you! I thought you might break out Renzuken and Lionheart on that one! I always wanted to see it!”
Kiros: “Ward says he should use it on you.”
Laguna: *getting off the chair* “That’s a great idea, son! Come on! I can take it!
Squall: “Hmm… Tempting…”
Brady’s voice: “Uh… Squall, why don’t you go in the confessional booth?”
Squall: *shrugs* “Whatever.”
(squall in the confessional booth)
Squall: “My dad is the most annoying person on the planet. Not only does he treat me like I’m five, but he acts like he is too! What kind of father is that? He comes into my life when I’m seventeen and suddenly he’s all ‘hey, hey! I’m your dad! Let’s be best buds!’ I mean what the #$%@ is that about?! I just want him to leave me alone. And it’s like…whatever.”
……………………………………………………………………………………………
(back to turks…they’re all sitting around starting their lunch)
Reno: *taking out a sandwich* “Ooh! Bologna!”
Tseng: *taking out a sandwich and apple* “Who made your lunch?”
Reno: “I did.”
Tseng: “If you know what’s in there, why are you so excited over it?”
Reno: “Something around here has to be.”
Rude: *looking at his easy mac* “Damn, too much water again.”
Elena: *eating a salad* “Did you use that microwave in the break room?”
Rude: “No. It’s still broken. I had to go downstairs.”
Elena: “Ugh, that thing is *still* broken?! They never fix anything around here!”
Tseng: “I told Rufus about it five times, but he just kept telling me there wasn’t money in the budget for it. Meanwhile there was money for Mr. Jingles’ birthday party last month.”
Reno: “Yeah! What was that about?! And he made us all buy the dumb bear presents and everything!”
Elena: “Tell me about it! We should go into his office and use *his* microwave!”
Rude: *putting on a jacket* “I’m gonna go outside and get a soda.”
Tseng: “New jacket, Rude?”
Rude: “Yup.”
Tseng: “Charity bin?”
Rude: “Yup.” *leaves*
Reno: “You know, that soda machine took my dollar the other day.”
Elena: “Did you tell Rufus about it?”
Reno: “Yeah, but it was a waste of time as usual! He laughed in my face and told me if I was complaining about a dollar I must be some loser.”
Tseng: “That’s Rufus for you.”
(rude comes back, frowning)
Elena: “What’s wrong, Rude?”
Rude: “…Machine took my dollar.”
Elena: “Ugh! When will they finally start fixing things?!”
…………………………………………………………………………………………….
Sunshine: “Welcome back to Shinra News. I’m Sunshine Johansen.”
Algus: “And I’m Algus Sadalfas. We now go immediately to Zidane Tribal, who has been outside the Bloomsmouth mansion all night, waiting for further updates on this crime of the century, Zidane?”
(zidane is outside the mansion looking really bored)
Zidane: “For the 100th time, there have been no further updates. The police are still investigating. And Mrs. Bloomsmouth has requested that you stop calling her and harassing her for further information, Algus. She told you more than once that she was out of town that night.”
Algus: “Zidane, have you found any further clues while being outside the mansion all night?”
Zidane: “The only thing I saw was a raccoon looking through the garbage.”
Algus: “If you were more like that raccoon, you might have found some clues.”
Zidane: *angry* “You know what, Algus. You’re a—“
(zidane gets cut off and the camera returns to sunshine)
Sunshine: *sweat drops* “Heh heh. Thank you, Zidane. In other news, 5 workers were killed yesterday when a rock slide occurred in Mythril Mines.”
Algus: “Luckily those types are a dime a dozen. We go now to Barret with the latest sports information. Barret?”
Barret: “Yo! How many times I gotta tell you all I ain’t got no news! An’ I ain’t gonna talk about no pro basketball, yo! Them college kids in the NCAA tournament could whoop ‘em!”
Algus: “I realize there may not be much going on in your neanderthal sports right now, but what about golf?”
Barret: “Yo! That ain’t no damn sport!”
Algus: “It most certainly is!”
Barret: “No it ain’t!”
Algus: “Just because they don’t play it in the ‘ghetto’—“
Barret: *standing* “Yo! Don’t make me come over there!”
Sunshine: *interrupting* “Thank you, Barret. We now turn to Cid, who’s been keeping track of the latest traffic news. Cid?”
Cid: “%@#$%@#$&$%&#$&^@%@#$%!@%@^$&%#&#^#$%@#$%@#$^%@#&$#^&!!!”
Sunshine: “I see. Well thank you, Cid. That is some very useful information. Algus?”
(algus’ anchor chair is empty)
Algus’ voice: “Golf is a sport! And don’t you dare touch my hair again!”
(back to sunshine)
Sunshine: “Let’s check in with Lark and the weather. Lark?”
Lark: “Icicle Inn should expect a blizzard starting this evening. Strong winds and as many as 8 inches of snow is expected. For those of you in Rocket Town, expect cloudy skies with temperatures in the mid-60s. Midgar citizens on the plate can expect fog in the morning and smog this afternoon, while those in the slums, well, they still have no weather. Algus?”
Algus: *hair is tousled* “Thank you, Lark. Finally there is Reeve with the business news. Reeve?”
Reeve: “Shinra stock continues to rise today, despite rumors of cutbacks. According to an inside source, employee perks, such as microwaves in the break room, have been left broken despite multiple requests for repair. Gold Saucer, in the meanwhile, continues to do very well. Sales of the lifetime pass are at an all time high, and owner Dio is now the second richest man behind Shinra’s own President Rufus J. Shinra. Though there have been rumors of Shinra Inc. purchasing the popular amusement park, Dio issued a statement today declaring any such rumors to be false, adding: ‘I would never sell Gold Saucer to the-explicative deleted-Shinra, those dirty, mother-explicative deleted. And that is your business news.”
Algus: “Thank you, Reeve. This has been Shinra News.”
Sunshine: “I’m Sunshine Johansen.”
Algus: “And I’m Algus Sadalfas. We’ll be back with more around the clock coverage of J.B. Bloomsmouth’s untimely end. Remember to call the authorities if you witness any – ANY – suspicious behavior. We must find this wacko before he takes another precious life!”
Sunshine: “Have a good day, everyone.”
…………………………………………………………………………………………….
Theme Song: “If Dracula had a son and they lived in a giant castle – what kind of crap would you expect from the crazy undead duo? It’s totally undead life and it’s truer than you kn~ow! It’s totally undead life and it’s time to start the show!”
(alucard comes into the dining room looking annoyed. dracula’s reading the paper)
Dracula: “Alucard, there’s something wrong with this newspaper. Someone tore it in half!”
Alucard: “No, dad. Your eye is missing again.”
Dracula: “Dammit! Have you seen it?”
Alucard: “Yes.” *drops it on the table* “It was in the fridge. Right on top of my special breakfast.”
Dracula: *laughs and shoves eye back in* “Great, Alucard! Now find my other eye!”
Alucard: *sigh* “Dad, your other eye is already where it belongs.”
Dracula: “Where’s that?”
Alucard: *yells* “In your HEAD!”
Dracula: *looking out the window now* “Alucard! We have a door to door salesman coming!”
Alucard: *looking* “No, dad. That’s Death. Your best friend.”
Dracula: “Why is he so pale?” *mutters* “He needs some blush.”
Alucard: *sigh* “I’ll let him in.”
(he leaves and a minute later death enters)
Death: “Good morning, my lord. I see you have both your eyes this morning.”
Dracula: “I do?”
Alucard: *calls* “Dad! Ceberus escaped again!”
Dracula: Nonsense! I tied him to the tree out back!”
Alucard: “All three heads?”
Dracula: *laughing* “Alucard, puppies don’t have three heads!”
Death: *points out window* “There he is.”
(the camera shakily turns to see ceberus running down the street dragging a tree behind him. he is chasing rufus, who is hastily pushing mr. jingles along in his stroller)
Rufus: *screaming* “Oh god! Oh god! I’m too rich to die!”
Alucard: *whistles* “Ceberus! Here boy!”
(ceberus hears alucard and starts running towards him)
Alucard: *sigh* “I’ll tie him up. The right way this time.” *leaves*
Dracula: *chuckles* “That dog’ll kill somebody someday.”
Death: “That he will. I’d bet my life on it.” *chuckles*
Dracula: *laughing* “Haha! Bet your life on it! You’re so funny, you’ll be the death of me!”
(they both laugh loudly. then alucard comes back in, dragging a very unhappy franswa belmont)
Franswa: “Oh god! Please let me go!”
Alucard: “Dad, look what I’ve got.”
Dracula: *blink blink* “Alucard, I told you I don’t eat children anymore.”
Franswa: *softly* “Hey, I’m 18…”
Alucard: “No, dad. He’s a Belmont.”
Dracula: “Belmont, eh?” *stands up tall* “Do you wish to fight me?”
Franswa: *eyes squeezed shut* “No! No! God no! I hate vampires! I just wanted some carrots from your garden!”
Dracula: “…We have a garden?”
Death: “It’s a hobby of mine.”
Dracula: “But you’re a Belmont! Don’t you want my head on a spike?”
Franswa: *crying* “No! No! I wanna go home! I don’t want anything to do with Dracula!”
Death: “Let the boy go. He’s clearly a sissy.”
Dracula: “Okay, let him go.”
Alucard: *dragging him out* “Okay, come on.”
Franswa: “…Can I keep the carrots?”
(alucard and franswa leave)
Death: “There was something odd about that Belmont boy.”
Dracula: “Who?”
Death: “The Belmont boy that was just here.”
Dracula: “The what now?”
Death: “The boy Alucard just dragged in here!”
Dracula: “Who did what to who?”
Death: *sigh* “Never mind…”
Dracula: “Who are you?”
……………………………………………………………………………………………
Announcer: “Last time on ‘ This Poor Single Guy ‘, Setzer got to meet the 5 beautiful ladies who are just dying to marry him.”
(we see a flashback of last week and see all the women. almost all of them look skanky, and one of them is scarlet. the last one is kind of…muscular)
Announcer: “Setzer took Misty on the ultimate dream date.”
(flash to last week. they’re in a romantic restaurant)
Misty: *nodding* “Uh-huh. I’m a stripper. I’m saving up for my 5th boob job. They’re not big enough yet.”
Setzer: *scared* “Uh-huh.”
Edgar: *as the waiter* “Can I take your order?”
Setzer: *surprised* “Edgar?!?!”
Edgar: “No… I’m Fernando… Your waiter.”
Setzer: “What the hell…”
Announcer: “Then Setzer took Candy on an ultimate fantasy date.”
(flash to last week. setzer is with candy, who is all over him, waiting for a movie to start)
Candy: “So, tell me… How does a sexy guy like you get to be so…sexy…?” *is practically sitting on his lap*
Setzer: *trying to move away* “Uh… Ever hear of personal space?”
Edgar: *now disguised as an usher* “Tickets please.”
Setzer: “What?”
Edgar: “Need to see your tickets, please.”
Setzer: “Edgar, is that you again?”
Edgar: *shifty eyes*
Announcer: “Setzer next took Annie May Jo on the date of a lifetime…”
(flash to last week. they’re on a picnic together and she keeps staring at him. there’s also a tree moving in the background)
Setzer: *freaked out by her staring* “…What?”
Annie May Jo: “I’m just ‘mazed ya’ll still gots your natural teeth!”
(the tree moves closer. setzer turns around but the tree stops. setzer turns back around and the tree again moves. but this time setzer catches it)
Setzer: “What the hell—Edgar?!”
Tree: *edgars voice* “No… I’m just a common tree. I know nothing of this Edgar.”
Announcer: “Setzer then escorted Scarlet on a magical date of love.”
(flashback to last week. scarlet and setzer are sitting on a boat not talking)
Scarlet: “So… You rich?”
Setzer: “…I suppose.”
Scarlet: “I should probably give you this up front.” *hands him a list*
Setzer: *looking it over in confusion* “What the hell is this?”
Scarlet: “A list of everything I’m carrying. The ones that are all numbers haven’t been discovered yet.”
Setzer: *drops list* “Ugh.”
(suddenly the whole boat shakes)
Setzer: “What the–?!?!”
(he looks over the edge and sees edgar swimming around in full snorkel gear)
Setzer: “Eddie?!?! Again?!?!”
Edgar: *taking off mask* “Oh, blast.”
Announcer: “Finally, Setzertake to take Edgarina out on a date she’d never forget.”
(cut to setzer and ‘edgarina’-edgar in drag-on a hotel balcony making out like crazy)
Announcer: “And now, Setzer must make the choice of a lifetime as he picks his perfect girl in our quest to help-This Poor Single Guy!”
(the room is set up like the bachelor. setzer is standing in front of the girls and edgar in drag. he has 1 rose next to him)
Announcer: “And now here’s your host – Locke!”
Locke: “Hello, and welcome to the final episode of ‘This Poor Single Guy’. Tonight Setzer will make the tough decision of which of these girls he wants to be with.”
Setzer: “I made my decision.”
Locke: *quietly* “Shush! At least pretend to play along!”
Setzer: “Geez… Sorry.”
Locke: “Setzer, please dismiss the first contestant.”
Setzer: “Uh… Sorry, Annie May Jo. I didn’t pick you.”
Annie May Jo: *runs off crying* “I’ll never find no man wit’ teeth again!”
Locke: “Heartbreaking. Setzer, which of these…ladies do you choose to reject next?”
Setzer: “…Candy.”
Candy: *angry* “What?! What are you –gay?!?”
Setzer: *sweat drops* “No.”
Locke: *trying not to laugh*
Candy: “Whatever, loser.” *stalks off*
Locke: “Things are getting tougher now. Setzer, please break the heart of the next contestant.”
Setzer: “Next I’ll have to dismiss…Misty.”
Misty: *eyes filling with tears* “My boobs will never be big enough!” *runs off*
Locke: “…That’s why we have counselors available after the show. Setzer, you’re now down to the final two contestants. Have you made this final, difficult decision?”
Setzer: “It wasn’t dif-” *locke gives him a nasty look* “…Yes.”
Locke: “Then please make your final choice.”
Setzer: “I pick…Edgarina.”
(setzer and ‘edgarina’ hug.)
Scarlet: *sigh* “The list always turns them off.”
Locke: “I’m sorry, Scarlet. But Setzer has made his choice. And it seems that ‘this poor single guy’ is single no more. Good night everyone.”
(credits start to roll over the continuing events)
Scarlet: *leans over and whispers to locke* “Just between you and me…isn’t she kind of…masculine?”
Locke: “No. You’re crazy.”
Scarlet: “But—“
Locke: “Look, you lost. Get over it.”
Scarlet: “I don’t need this. I get enough abuse at home.”
(she leaves, and the show ends)
……………………………………………………………………………………………
(back on laguna’s show. ward is in the confessional booth.)
Ward: “………………………”
Brady: “…Okay, this is kinda pointless.”
(back to laguna’s office)
Laguna: *picking something off the ground* “I just found a clue that’s gonna bust this mystery wide open!”
Brady: “What is it?”
Laguna: “It’s HAIR!” *holds up strand of hair*
Kiros: “Ward says that’s your hair, you stupid ass.”
Laguna: “…Oh.” *drops it* “Oh well.” *shrugs* “So, son, how was Garden today?”
Squall: “Bad. Nida kept trying to trip me. And then when he couldn’t manage to do that he tripped Headmaster Cid and blamed it on me.”
Laguna: “Oh no! Did you get in trouble?”
Squall: “No. Headmaster Cid saw it was him.”
Laguna: *laughing* “Sometimes I wish I was a boy in school again.”
Kiros: “Ward says you don’t act like you ever went.”
Ward: *sigh*
Laguna: “Ooh! Ooh! Another clue!” *bends down* “It’s a button!”
Squall: “That’s your button. See?” *points to his shirt*
Laguna: *frowns* “Oh.” *pouts* “This mystery will never get solved!”
(there’s a knock at the door)
Laguna: “Come in!”
(doctor odine enters)
Odine: “I vas vondering if you got my request for new lab supplies?”
Laguna: “Uh…” *rubs the back of his head* “Well, we’ve been having a problem…”
Odine: “Problem? Vhat problem?”
Laguna: *excitedly* “Hey, I know! You’re a scientist! You can help me solve the mystery of the missing extremely important government documents!”
Odine: “VHAT?!”
Brady: “Uh…Kiros! Why don’t you take your turn in the confessional booth?”
(kiros is in the confessional booth)
Kiros: “So… Uh… Kinda weird…talking when I’m all alone… Anyway, I guess it’s okay to say that Laguna is never going to solve this mystery. Honestly, I’m surprised that he didn’t just forget when his cartoons came on.” *shifty eyes* “But, uh…” *leans forward towards the camera* “Just between you and me” *whispers* “I’m the one doing all his work!” *pause* “No one ever sees this, right?”
…………………………………………………………………………………………
(and finally back to turks…they are all sitting around doing nothing)
Reno: “…Why are they still filming us?”
Tseng: “Desperation? For laughs at our expense? Who knows.”
Elena: “Hey, Rude… What happened to your shoes, watch and jacket?”
Rude: *sigh* “Rufus made me give them back.”
Others: “WHAT?!”
Tseng: “Why?”
Rude: “He said he didn’t want to see his employees wearing second hand clothes. Then he said the stuff was ruined and burned them in front of me.”
Others: “……..”
Reno: “What the $%#^?!”
(tseng’s intercom beeps)
Tseng: “Whoa, that’s a sound I almost forgot.” *hits button* “Tseng here.”
Rufus’ voice: “Tseng! I have a job for the Turks!”
Turks: “Finally!”
Rufus’ voice: “Go make me a couple of hot pockets and bring them to me in my office. Don’t take more than five minutes! Or I’ll take that broken microwave out of the break room all together!”
(the intercom goes silent. the turks all sit there for a moment, then…)
Turks: “… … I’ll take it.”
…………………………………………………………………………………………….
Sunshine: “Welcome back to yet another edition of Shinra news. I’m Sunshine Johansen.”
Algus: “And I’m Algus Sadalfas. We take you live to the Bloomsmouth mansion where Zidane Tribal has been waiting day and night for some new information on this brutal slaying. Zidane?”
Zidane: “Algus, I just spoke with the police a little while ago, and they have finally concluded that millionaire J.B. Bloomsmouth’s death came from natural cases.”
Algus: “Natural causes, eh? Where can we find this ‘natural causes’?”
Zidane: “Algus, the man died of old age. There was no murder or foul play of any kind.”
Algus: “…Oh. …Oh! Well thank goodness!” *wipes brow* “What a relief!” *to sunshine* “You have no idea how I’ve lost sleep over this- wondering if I would be next!”
Zidane: “We could only hope.”
Algus: “Thank you, Zidane, that’s quite enough.”
Sunshine: “In other news, 2 more unidentified men were found dead in the sector three slums this morning. The police still have no suspects.”
Algus: “Now, really. Why is that worth reporting? No one cares about that nonsense!”
Sunshine: “…You disgust me.”
Algus: “Pardon?”
Sunshine: “We now go to Cid with your traffic report. Cid, how are the roads looking today?”
Cid: “#$%$^&%^*$%&#@%@#^$%*$%&$^$#@%^@#^@#$^$#^&#%^&#!”
Sunshine: “What a mess. Thank you, Cid.”
Algus: “Lark has the weather for us. Lark?”
Lark: “Wutai and Nibelheim can expect average temperatures today, but in North Corel expect clouds and a 70% chance of rain. Gongaga residents can expect air pollution to be in the high range for today, and Shinra Inc. maintains that the lingering poisonous gas has nothing to do with the destroyed reactor. And finally, expect cloudy skies in upper Midgar today, while the slums, well – they have no weather. EVER. I don’t know why they make me keep talking about it. Algus?”
Algus: “Thank you, Lark, for that fine report.”
Sunshine: “We now go to Barret, who is reporting to us live from Costa del Sol. What exciting sports news do you have for us, Barret?”
Barret: “Yo! I ain’t been doin’ nothin’ but watchin’ some kids kick around a soccer ball!”
Sunshine: “Well what about all the surfing that goes on there?”
Barret: “Surfing? That ain’t no sport, yo!”
Sunshine: “……………….Okay. Thank you, Barret.”
Algus: “We go now to Reeve with the business news. Reeve?”
Reeve: “Shinra stock continues to do well today. New rumors have begun to circulate involving a buyer interested in this TV station, but that has yet to be confirmed. Turtles Paradise, a popular bar located in Wutai, has announced a five percent increase in revenue this quarter. Analysts believe the liquor business is prospering due to the rising poverty levels. Back to you, Algus.”
Algus: “Thank you, Reeve.” *sigh* “Those drunken peasants. They should be gathered up and trained as slaves, right, Sunshine?”
Sunshine: “………………………….” *looks mad*
Algus: “Sunshine?”
Sunshine: “That’s all for Shinra news.”
Algus: “And I’m Algus Sadalfas. My peasant sympathizer co-anchor and I wish you good day.”
……………………………………………………………………………………………..
Announcer: “It’s Twilight Time! Starring Twilight!”
(we see twilight staring angrily at the camera and holding a book)
Twilight: “…Is this some kind of joke? Is it? You think it’s some kind of joke? You know I can’t read, and yet you give me a book to read to the damn kids?! You told me I could talk about lightsabers! But no! You give me this!” *holds up a book thats about lightsabers* “Illiteracy is a big problem! Now get that damn thing off me before I show you what a lightsaber looks like in action!”
(takes out lightsaber. camera goes dead. technical difficulty screen comes up featuring a smiling rufus spinning around.)
……………………………………………………………………………………………
Announcer: *overdramatic* “Last time on Legal Case…”
(flashback to last episode. i’m going to use the ff character playing the character rather than the characters name)
Sephiroth: *slamming fist on desk* “Dammit, Reginald! Maybe that’s how they did things during the war of 1812! But times have changed!”
Vincent: “Your foolish young thinking ways will only lead to your ultimate doom, Maxmillian.”
(another flashback from the episode. rinoa is talking to rude)
Rinoa: “…T.J… I think the baby might be yours.”
Rude: “Misty, like you totally like slept with the whole office. Are you sure?”
Rinoa: *sobbing* “I’m not sure of anything anymore!”
(another flashback to the last episode)
Seifer: “Hahaha! Those stupid lawyers down at Max and Viking think they can take this case away from us? Well then they haven’t met Trevor Stockton!”
Auron: “Be careful, Trevor. Maxmillian doesn’t fool around. He might find the Johnson file… And then what?”
Quistis: “And then what indeed.”
Auron: *slams fist on desk* “Dammit! Women should be seen and not heard!”
(another flashback)
Vincent: *banging fist on desk* “Dammit, Maxmillian! The Johnson file is locked away in that burning house! What should we do?”
Sephiroth: *narrowing eyes* “It’s time for action. Legal style.”
(and so begins the new episode of legal case. sephiroth, vincent and rude are watching a burning house)
Sephiroth: “Hurry, hand me that fire extinguisher!”
Rude: *gives it to him* “Check the safe! That must be where they, like, put it!”
Sephiroth: “Right! Good thinking, T.J.! People would probably take you more seriously if you didn’t smoke pot!”
Vincent: “No, Maxmillian! You’ll never make it!”
Sephiroth: *determined* “Maybe not. But I have to try.”
(he runs into the burning house. meanwhile, on the other side of the burning house is a limo where auron, quistis and seifer sit inside, watching out the window)
Seifer: “Hahaha! Nobody could survive that fire!”
Auron: “Yes, the flames spell out Maxmillian Viking’s ultimate doom.”
Quistis: *snotty laughter* “Their law firm will come crashing down just like that house!”
Auron: *yells at her* “I don’t pay you to talk!”
Seifer: “Wait, boss! Look!”
(they suddenly see sephiroth stumble out of the building, johnson file in hand)
Auron: *shocked* “It-It-It can’t be!”
Quistis: “We’re ruined!”
Auron: “Stupid woman!” *slaps her* “This is all your fault!”
Quistis: *grabs cheek in shock*
Seifer: “What do we do now?”
Auron: “Let’s get out of here!”
(the limo drives off. meanwhile, sephiroth goes back to rude and vincent)
Rude: “Dude, you, like, did it!”
Vincent: “A lesser man would have been killed!”
Sephiroth: *intently* “But I’m not a lesser man. I’m Maxmillian Viking. Now hurry, back to the office before those bastards can strike again.”
Announcer: “Next time on: Legal Case.”
(flash to preview from the next episode)
Seifer: “Hahaha! I set the bomb just like you asked, boss! There’s no chance for them to get the rest of the evidence!”
Auron: “Yes…” *drums fingers together* “Seems their luck has finally run out…”
(flash to another preview)
Vincent: “Maxmillian! What should we do about the time bomb in the judge’s chambers?!”
Sephiroth: *narrowing eyes* “It’s time for action. Legal style.”
…………………………………………………………………………………………….
(time for a special edition of shinra news)
Sunshine: “Hello, and welcome to this special edition of Shinra news. I’m Sunshine Johansen.”
Algus: “And I’m Algus Sadalfas. We now go live to Zidane Tribal at Rufus J. Shinra mall. Zidane?”
(zidane is at rufus’ mall where a large crowd has gathered around a bunch of real cactaurs. rufus is there with irvine and zell.)
Zidane: “Thank you, Algus. I’m here at Rufus J. Shinra mall, where Rufus J. Shinra himself is promoting his new children’s program, King Cactaur’s Island, which can be seen here on Shinra Television Network. Let’s see if we can get a word with Mr. Shinra himself.”
(he goes over to rufus, who is proudly overseeing the scene)
Zidane: “Mr. Shinra, congratulations on your latest self promotion.”
Rufus: “Why thank you. Everything is going quite well.”
Zidane: “Can you tell us a little bit about King Cactaur’s Island?”
Rufus: “Well, it’s a concept I came up with all by myself. It’s about a giant cactaur who loves to dance, save the plants, and play with his tonberry friends.”
Zidane: “I see. And I notice you have real cactaurs here.”
Rufus: “Yup! I thought – what better way to get kids to love cactaurs than by letting them interact with the real thing?” *calls over to some kids* “Go ahead! Give them hugs!”
Zidane: “Uh, Rufus, I wouldn’t encourage that.”
Rufus: “Why not? It’s fun!” *to kids* “Go ahead, kids! They won’t hurt you!”
Zidane: “Uh, actually, Rufus-“
(but before he can finish one kid hugs a cactaur and immediately cries out in pain)
Rufus: “What the-” *sees what is happening* “Oh no! No kids! Stop!” *running over* “Stay away from the cactaurs!”
Irvine: “Why? I thought you wanted the kids to hug them.”
Rufus: *running around frantically* “No! Abort! Abort!”
Zidane: “Uh, I think Rufus forgot that cactaurs have thorns.”
(suddenly the terrified cactaurs start performing their 1000 needles attacks)
Rufus: *running by the camera in a tizzy* “OH GOD THE HUMANITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Zidane: “…And they do that.” *shrugs* “Reporting live from Rufus J. Shinra mall, I’m Zidane Tribal. Have a good day.”
………………………………………………………………………………………….
(in the ramble room are seph, setzer, edgar, zidane, algus and lark. rufus walks in happily)
Rufus: “I sold the TV station!”
Sephiroth: “What? Why?”
Rufus: “I got a great offer that gives me and all the MAFIA members a profit!”
Zidane: “Did it cover the settlement in the cactaur lawsuit?”
Rufus: *frowns* “Yeah, that too.”
Sephiroth: “What about all the shows?”
Rufus: “Oh, I sold them the rights to those too. But they’re recasting them all. There’s only one person they liked.”
Sephiroth: “Me!?!?”
Rufus: “No, not you.”
Algus: “Rufus, you know that co-anchor of mine?”
Rufus: “Yeah…uh…Sunshine whats-her-face.”
Algus: “Correct. Well, she kept requesting your phone number. But I didn’t give it to her. She’s a peasant sympathizer, attractive as she is.”
Rufus: “You can’t have it all.”
Algus: “But you should never settle.”
Rufus: “Speaking of settling…” *to setzer* “How are things with you and Edgarina?”
Setzer: *sweat drops* “Uh… Not good. It wasn’t to be.”
Rufus: “Too bad.” *laughs* “Guess you’re still ‘this poor single guy’!”
Setzer: *nervously* “Yeah… Heh heh… Right.”
Lark: “So, Rufus, who did the new owners choose to keep?”
Rufus: *checks watch* “Here, I’ll show you.”
(he turns on the tv)
Announcer: “Next time on, Legal Case.”
Random actor: “Maxmillian! What should we do about the time bomb in the judges chambers?”
(cut to the person now playing maxmillian. it’s alucard)
Alucard: *narrowing eyes* “It’s time for action. Legal style.”
Sephiroth: *cries* “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
THE END
The Rambles Live! 