#128 – Some Porn Can Be Bad

Barret: “Yo! This ain’t cool! I don’t want no punk ass bitch comin’ outta no TV to waste my ass!”

Originally Published: 9/22/05 . 27 pages

Synopsis
The guys thought they were going to watch a porno, but it winds up being a death tape! Will these next seven days be their last?.

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

Honestly, I am no horror movie fan, so I’ve never actually seen The Ring or the original movie, Ringu. Still, I absolutely love this ramble. I’m not sure what I love more, the losers planning Heidegger’s death, or Red bemoaning the fact that nothing arrived to kill Barret and Cid. Also, poor Vincent and the most romantic moment he’ll have all year. This one was also originally titled “Bad Television! No Cookie!” Which is quite possibly the worst title ever, so I just had to change it.

 

(a normal day in the ramble room. in case anyone cares, yes, rufus put out new games for the xcubestation. and to celebrate he bought a new gigantic, flat screen hd tv, which is being installed right now…)

Rufus: “It’s a thing of beauty, isn’t it? You can all thank me later for my generosity.”

Reno: *is trying to figure out the huge remote* “Rufus, I think they use this kinda crap to launch rocket ships.”

Rufus: “Heh. They wish!”

Reno: *scratching head* “I think I just ordered a pizza.”

Rude: “You can’t do that with a remote, man.”

(door bell rings)

Everyone: *blink blink*

Brady: *enters with a pizza looking confused* “Um…did someone order a pizza?”

Everyone: “……”

Reno: *jumps up* “Dude, this remote rocks!” *grabs the pizza*

Brady: *has noticed the tv* “Ooh… Wondrous…” *goes to touch it*

Rufus: *slaps his hand away* “You get fingerprints on my TV and I’ll cut off your hand and mount it on my wall with my other trophies.”

Brady: *withdraws hand with a frown* “…Ow…”

Tseng: *whispers to Brady* “Just between you and me, he’s got some pretty sick trophies.”

Rufus: “Hey! I just got an idea.”

Tseng: “At this point I just think it’s best to run.”

Rufus: “Let’s go out and rent a video to celebrate the new TV which I so generously bought.”

Reno: *mouth full of pizza* “Ooh! Let me and Irvine go!”

Irvine: “Yeah! Cool!”

Rufus: “Uh, I don’t think–“

(but irvine and reno are already out the door.)

Rufus: “…Crap. I don’t want them to get a movie. I mean look at the junk they always get!” *picks up a movie called ‘backyard lesbians vol. 34’*

Tseng: “Wasn’t that tape due back like a week ago?”

Rufus: *shrugs* “Whatever. It’s his money.”

Reeve: “Uh, Rufus… You know he’s been using your account, right?”

Rufus: “WHAT?!”

 

………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

(meanwhile…reno and irvine go to the video rental store. and if you’re guessing they go straight for the porno aisle, you’re…..right! duh.)

Irvine: *looking over the tapes* “Dude, I’ve seen like all of these.”

Reno: “Don’t give up so easily, man. We’ll find something.” *smiles* “Ah.” *picks up tape* “Here we go. ‘Backyard Lesbians Volume 35’.” *happy sigh* “Can you imagine how wonderful this will look on that gigantic TV set?”

Irvine: *happy sigh* “Yeah…”

Reno: “Dude, this is what life is all about.”

Irvine: “C’mon! Let’s get going so we can watch this!”

Reno: “Hold on a minute, man! We gotta make sure we have all the essentials back at the ramble room before we go back. Beer?”

Irvine: “Got it.”

Reno: “Chips?”

Irvine: “Got it.”

Reno: “Imported beer?”

Irvine: “Check.”

Reno: “Okay, good.”

Irvine: “Wait, what about pizza?”

Reno: “That’s what the remote is for.”

Irvine: “Right. Totally forgot. Let’s go.”

 

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

(a little while later, the duo returns in the ramble room, we have algus, zidane, rufus, edgar, setzer, tseng, reeve, rude, Brady, lark, sephiroth, vincent, auron, zell, seifer, barret, cid and red.)

Reno: “We’re back!!”

Irvine: “And we got the best movie ever!”

Reeve: “The Matrix?”

Zidane: “American Pie?”

Rufus: “Citizen Kane?”

Brady: “Evil Dead?”

Vincent: “Interview With a Vampire?”

Sephiroth: “Saving Private Ryan?”

Zell: “Rocky?”

Cid: “@#$@#$@%@#%#$%#@$%?”

Red: “The Lion King?”

Edgar: “Titanic?”

Rufus and Algus: *give him a weird look*

Edgar: *sweat drops* “Um… I meant… Titanic..ite… Yeah. Titanicite. Foreign film. Lots of naked women.” *more sweat drops* “Eh heh.”

Irvine: “Close, but you’re way off.”

Reno: “Check it out!” *holds up tape*

Everyone else: *groan*

Rufus: “I knew it! They’re going to deflower my new television! And it’s not even a day old!”

Reno: “If you didn’t wanna watch porn you should have stopped me before I left!”

Rufus: “I tried to!”

Reno: “By the way, you owe a 15 gil late charge.”

Rufus: *turning red with anger* “Argh…”

Reno: *going over to the vcr* “Okay, gentlemen, fasten your seat belts–“

Lark: “I have no idea why I’m still sitting here.”

Reno: “And get ready for the best porno since ‘Backyard Lesbians Volume 34!”

Tseng: “I think I’m gonna be sick.”

(reno puts in the tape, high fives irvine and jumps onto the couch. the tape starts to play, but…it doesn’t look much like a porno. in fact it looks a little something from the movie ‘the ring’, or ‘ringu’, if you will)

Irvine: “Hey! This isn’t a porno! They gave us the wrong tape!”

Lark: “Ew! This is disgusting!”

Algus: “Ugh, I hate French new wave.”

Sephiroth: “I kinda like it.”

(they watch the whole thing. it’s not very long. and suddenly it all goes black.)

Cid: “@#$@#$%@#$@#$@#%$#@$%@^#@$#@?!?”

Reno: “Man, I’m wondering the same damn thing!”

Brady: “Hey… You guys don’t know what that tape was?”

Irvine: “I know it sure as hell ain’t porn!”

Brady: “That’s the Samara death tape.”

Reeve: “The who what now?”

Brady: “The Samara death tape. After you watch it, you die in exactly seven days.”

Setzer: “Ha ha. Very funny.”

Brady: “I’m not kidding!” *pokes lark* “Right, sweetie?”

Lark: “He’s telling the truth, guys.”

Brady: “In fact, you should be getting a phone call in a bit spelling out your ultimate doom.”

Rufus: “Stop being stupid. That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard in my–“

(the phone rings. everybody freezes)

Barret: “Yo! Why da phone be ringin’?”

Seifer: *freaking out* “It’s spelling out our ultimate doom!”

Rufus: “Someone get the phone!”

Zell: “You get it! You’re closest!”

Seifer: “Yeah, Mr. Nonbeliever!”

Rufus: *sets jaw* “Fine.” *picks up* “H-hello…?”

Voice on the other end: *under lots of static* “…………..seven days……..”

Rufus: *screams and slams down the phone*

Everybody: “WHAT?!?!?!?!”

Rufus: *pale as a ghost* “We’re dead.”

Edgar: “Excuse me?!”

Reeve: “Are you kidding?”

Sephiroth: “What did the guy at the other end of the phone say?”

Rufus: “Seven days! That’s all he said!!”

Seifer: *pointing at Brady* “But that’s how much time he said before…”

Rufus: *sobbing* “We’re all gonna die!”

Sephiroth: “I don’t believe this crap. A tape can’t kill you. What, is someone gonna crawl out of the TV in seven days and kill us all?”

Brady: “Pretty much, yeah.”

Rufus and Seifer: “AHHHHHHHH!!!!”

Vincent: “You seem quite calm about this, Brady.”

Brady: *shrugs* “Eh. We all gotta go sometime.” *to lark* “How about we go and have lots of sex before the end comes, baby?”

Lark: *sweat drops* “Uh…okay, I guess.”

Brady: “Cool. Later.”

(everyone watches as he and lark leave the room.)

Reno: “…Dude, I need to get laid too!”

Rufus: *shakes him* “We’re all gonna die! There’s more important things than sex!”

Reno: “Man! You’re messing up my hair!” *pushes rufus away*

Algus: “What do you propose we do about this?? I’m far too rich to die!”

Zidane: “Ah, Algus dead…” *smiles* “I thought the day would never come.”

Reeve: “You’ll be dead too.”

Zidane: “It’s a small price to pay.”

Reeve: “Now, now. Let’s not panic.”

Seifer: *shaking reeve violently* “How can you stay so calm at a time like this?!?!?!?!”

Reeve: “Let go of me! Shaking people won’t solve anything! We have to get to the bottom of this. There must be a way to break this curse.”

Zell: *writing something* “Does anyone know how to spell ‘will’?”

Rufus: “I will survive! If it’s the last thing I do!” *runs out of the room*

Barret: “Yo! This ain’t cool! I don’t want no punk ass bitch comin’ outta no TV to waste my ass!”

Cid: “#$@#$!@$%@#$%#@$%#@$%#%!”

Red: “I, for one, welcome death openly. At last I will be at peace.”

Barret: “Yo, maybe we can use this here steelbrick to make us a shield!”

Red: “If I go I am taking you down with me.”

Sephiroth: “I just think this is a complete hoax. Anyone who believes it is stupid.”

Auron: “What makes you so sure?”

Sephiroth: “My superior knowledge.”

Auron: “And where exactly did that come from?”

Sephiroth: “Do you know how many people I’ve killed? Because if you did, you wouldn’t be talking to me like that.”

Irvine: “I can’t die! I haven’t even slept with 500 girls yet! And I’ve only got 3 more to go!”

Reno: “I figure if I’m gonna go, I’m gonna go out in style! Who wants to have a party!”

(no one says anything)

Reno: *shrugs* “I’ve never needed others to have a rockin’ good time.” *he leaves*

Sephiroth: “I can’t believe that everyone is getting all worked up about some stupid little tape and something that stupid little Brady said. In seven days, you’ll all see that you’re still alive and well and you’ll see I’m right.”

Seifer: *sobbing* “I never got that Chia pet I wanted! And now it’s too late!”

Sephiroth: *sigh* “People are stupid.”

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(meanwhile, in loser land…stinky is curled up in a ball asleep. kefka is playing with barbies. hojo is mixing strange looking chemicals.

scarlet is flipping through a catalog. nida is reading a book called ‘you’ve faced your worst fear: now what?’. seymour, whose face is still a bit scarred, is painting his toe nails. and kuja is sipping some kind of tropical drink. there is blissful silence for a brief moment. then heidegger enters)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I’m gonna die!”

Scarlet: “Now?”

Hojo: “Wait, let me get my camera.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! No! Seven days!”

Hojo: *marking it off on his calendar* “Why seven days?”

(heidegger, with a lot of ‘gya haa haas’, tells the story of how he snuck into the ramble room to watch a porno, but watched the death tape instead)

Nida: “So you mean there will finally be food for the rest of us? Awesome!”

Kuja: “I think we should start looking for a coffin big enough to hold his huge, bloated corpse.”

Scarlet: “That will probably have to be special ordered.”

Seymour: “You better start with the internet.”

Hojo: “I’ll do a search.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Now I have to do all the stuff I never did! Like eat a whole cow! Gya haa haa!”

Nida: “What if he gains more weight in the next seven days than the coffin can hold?”

Scarlet: “Then we’ll just have to cut off some of his limbs. His legs can barely support him now. I don’t think they’ll do him much good in the after life.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Who should I leave my stuff to?”

Stinky: *snorts*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Of course!”

Nida: *with a huge amount of sarcasm* “Ooh, so he gets the yo-yo collection and bits of string and bread crusts.”

Heidegger: “They’re collector’s items! Gya haa haa!”

Kuja: “Now if only we could show this tape to a couple of OTHER people around here, maybe things could go back to the way they SHOULD be.” *glares at seymour*

Seymour: *glaring back* “Yes… My thoughts exactly…”

Heidegger: “Now to get started! Gya haa haa! Stinky! To the farm!”

Hojo: *calling after them* “Don’t leave any debts for us!”

 

DAY 2

(a bunch of the guys are in the ramble room)

Seifer: *whining* “Ashley!! I’m gonna di~ie! Don’t you care?!”

Ashley: “I did the first thirteen hundred times you told me.” *she leaves*

Seifer: *whines* “My girlfriend doesn’t care about me!” *starts sobbing*

Zell: “Hey, Seifer! I made out my will! I’m giving all my comic books to Squall.”

Seifer: “Those things are worthless, chicken wuss! They’re all ripped up and covered in Cheetos!”

Zell: *flips out* “You’re worthless!”

Algus: “I’m having all my possessions burned, because no one deserves to touch them after I have.”

Zell: “’Roth, what are you doing with your stuff?”

Sephiroth: “I’m giving it to charity.”

Zell: “Really?”

Sephiroth: “NO! I’m keeping it, ‘cause I’m not dying, and neither are any of you idiots!”

Tseng: “While we’re on the subject, has anyone seen Rufus?”

Edgar: “I believe he said he’s working on some sort of top secret project.”

Setzer: “It must be pretty important because he didn’t take Mr. Jingles out for his morning stroller walk.”

Zidane: *snort*

Algus: “Is something funny, slave?”

Zidane: “About Rufus walking a stuffed bear around in a stroller? Yeah!”

Algus: “Then no Jolly Ranchers for you.”

Zidane: “I won’t need them where I’m going.” *pauses thoughtfully* “Wait a minute… If I’m going to die… What’s the point of me being your slave?”

Algus: “Pardon?”

Zidane: *triumphantly* “Yeah! I don’t need to be your slave and work for your candy anymore! I want to enjoy the time I have left!”

Algus: *nervously* “What are you trying to say?”

Zidane: *in algus’ face* “I’m saying: SCREW YOU!” *he marches out*

Algus: *calls after weakly* “But you can’t quit! You’re a slave! Slaves can’t quit!”

(but zidane is gone)

Algus: *pouts* “Fine! I don’t need you! I can get another slave! A better slave!”

Tseng: *sigh* “Reeve, did you figure out a way to undo the curse yet?”

Reeve: *staring at a computer screen* “Still looking…”

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

(meanwhile in loser land)

Scarlet: “Did you find a coffin yet?”

Hojo: *searching on a computer* “I found one for elephants, but it’s too expensive.”

Scarlet: “How much?”

Hojo: “200.”

Scarlet: “Yeah, way too much.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Not worth it!”

Kuja: “Does he really need a coffin? Can’t we just shove him in a hole?”

Nida: “But who’s gonna dig that huge hole? Not me!”

Seymour: “Not me! I might break a nail!”

Scarlet: “Can’t we just get some kind of construction vehicle to dig it?”

Hojo: “I’ll find out how much that costs.” *goes back to searching online*

Nida: “And where’s this hole gonna be? Not in our yard! I’m going to plant a victory garden!”

Scarlet: “What the hell is that?”

Nida: “I’m going to plant a tomato plant for every time I beat Squall at something.”

Scarlet: “Oh, fantastic. Soon we’ll have a desert back there.”

Kuja: “Does it really matter where we dig the hole? It’s just a hole. No one’s going to come and visit it or anything.”

Seymour, Nida, Scarlet and Hojo: “True…”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! The boy nobody loved!”

 

 

 

DAY 3

(algus, sephiroth, vincent, auron, reeve, tseng, setzer, edgar, zidane and vivi are all in the room. Vivi is now algus slave.)

Vivi: *bringing over a glass of water* “Here’s your drink, Mr. Algus.” *trips and spills it on the rug* “…Oops.”

Algus: *annoyed sigh* “Vivi, that’s the 3rd drink you’ve dropped! You’re the worst slave ever!”

Vivi: “…I’m…sorry…”

Zidane: “Leave Vivi alone, Algus! He’s just a kid!”

Algus: “Kids make the best slaves because they do not know better. Now go clean that mess, Vivi!”

Vivi: “Yes, Sir Algus.”

Zidane: “You don’t have to put up with him, Vivi!”

Vivi: “…But I want to be nice…” *he leaves*

Zidane: *sigh* “The kid’s too nice.”

(then rufus enters with blueprints in hand, smiling)

Setzer: “What are you smiling about? You’re more scared about this death tape than anybody.”

Rufus: “Exactly. Which is why I’m having this built.”

(he spreads out the blueprint and everyone crowds around to look. Basically its this chamber with really thick walls and a little bedroom inside.)

Rufus: “It’s totally impenetrable! When that thing comes out of the TV, she won’t be able to get me! There’s no way in!”

Edgar: “How do you manage to get in in the first place?”

Rufus: “Well, you just…” *he studies the blueprint a moment* “You gotta…” *frown* “I don’t know. I’ll figure that out later.”

Tseng: “You can fit like five other people in there. Who else you taking?”

Rufus: “Mr. Jingles.”

Algus: “…And…?”

Rufus: “And? Oh! And his pet, Master Fluffykins.”

Sephiroth: “Your stuffed animal has a pet?”

Rufus: “Of course! He needed someone to keep him company while I’m at work.”

Algus: “Rufus, what about me? Can’t I come?”

Rufus: “Sorry, Algus. But…no.”

Tseng: “Leave it to Rufus to be a pompous jerk.”

Sephiroth: “What’s the difference? Nothing’s going to happen! You’re all overreacting!”

Auron: “You’re certainly sure of yourself.”

Sephiroth: “Of course I am! ‘Cause nothing is going to happen! And while the rest of you are peeing your pants in fear, I’ll be laughing at you all!”

Vincent: “…Reeve? Anything yet?”

Reeve: *staring at computer* “Well, I found some stuff on it. First thing that happens is that your TV turns to the picture of the well in the video, and the girl Samara crawls out of the well. She then wanders to the front of the TV and comes through the screen where she looks at you – and this is where things get kinda messy. First your body locks in fear, and your muscles stop responding. Next, your lungs turn to jelly and your heart explodes in your chest. Oh yeah, and your face is permanently disfigured in a scream.”

Edgar: “My beautiful face!”

Tseng: “…Okay, that’s disturbing enough. But what about reversing it?”

Reeve: “Still nothing on that yet…”

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

(and in loser land everyone is sitting around while nida is writing something.)

Heidegger: “Writing my eulogy! Gya haa haa!”

Nida: “What? No way, you blob! I’m writing a grocery list of all the stuff I’m gonna buy once your fat ass isn’t here to eat it all!”

Scarlet: “That’s a good idea. What do you have?”

Nida: “Ring Dings, Cupcakes, Ding Dongs, Funny Bones, Twinkie’s, Zebra Cakes, Devil Dogs, string cheese, and best of all – Lucky Charms.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! All my favorites!”

Kuja: “Put sparkly lipstick on there.”

Nida: “Why? That’s not food!”

Kuja: “No, but he still eats it.”

Heidegger: “Looks like candy! Gya haa haa!”

 

DAY 4

(a bunch of the doomed guys are in the ramble room when shell walks in with rude, putting a bunch of papers in the envelope.)

Shell: “I’ll be sad not to have you tagging around anymore, Rude, but at least now you know that I’ll be well taken care of.”

Rude: “Yes, Shell.”

Shell: “I’ll go mail this.” *she leaves*

Reno: “What gives, man?”

Rude: *sigh* “Apparently my life is worth something.”

Reno: “Huh?”

Rude: “Shell made me take out a life insurance policy. So now when I’m dead, she gets 4 million dollars.”

Rufus: “Big deal! I’m worth 200 billion!”

Everyone: *looks at him*

Rufus: “Don’t get any ideas! I’ll be in my special chamber, and you’ll all be dead.” *smiles*

Tseng: “Did you figure out how to get in that thing yet, Rufus?”

Rufus: *sheepishly* “Many scientists are working on it.”

(then zell walks into the room, a finger under his nose. Brady is with him.)

Zell: “I have a nosebleed!”

Sephiroth: “Lark told you to keep your fingers out of there.”

Zell: “No! It came outta nowhere this time!”

Brady: “That’s one of the later signs of the curse. Random nosebleeds just occur.”

Sephiroth: “Oh really. How convenient. Any other crap you can enlighten us with, professor of crap?”

Brady: “There’s the nosebleeds, seeing random flashes of a girl with black hair, and being able to pull objects straight from a TV like they were real.”

Sephiroth: “Oh, I did that yesterday.”

Everyone: “YOU DID?!”

Sephiroth: “No!!! That’s impossible!! Don’t you all see how stupid this is yet?”

Everyone: “……………”

(then barret and cid walk in with red)

Barret: “Yo! We’ve been training this here bulldog to protect us from the TV girl!”

Red: “They’ve been poking me with a stick for two hours.”

Cid: “@$%#$%&#@($&#@(^&@#(^*#@^)@#$&^#!”

Barret: “Yo, do what Cid said, rockcat!”

Red: *turning around and leaving* “I’m going.” *he leaves*

Barret and Cid: *blink blink*

Barret: “He did sh*t before. He almost bit Cid.”

Cid: “@#$%@#(%&!!”

Everyone: “…………”

Tseng: “…Reeve?”

Reeve: “Still looking…”

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

(meanwhile, in loser land, theyre going through heideggers closet trying to find something to bury him in)

Kuja: *throwing something to the floor in disgust* “Ugh! Everything is caked in frosting!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I’ve never washed anything!”

Nida: “These clothes aren’t even good enough for animals to poop on!”

Seymour: “Does it matter what he wears? We should put it all in there with him to get rid of the smell.”

Scarlet: “Good idea. Let’s get out of here before I gag.”

 

DAY 5

(a bunch of the guys are sitting around reeve is still staring at the computer and looks pretty tired when suddenly a delivery guy walks in with a huge box that barely fits through the door)

Delivery guy: “Delivery for Rufus J. Shinra?”

Rufus: “That’s me!”

Delivery guy: *holds out clipboard* “Sign here.”

(rufus goes over and excitedly signs his name. the delivery guy leaves, and rufus rubs his hands in anticipation)

Rufus: “It’s here! It’s finally here!”

(he opens the box, and its the chamber he had custom built to protect himself. It has really thick glass all around, and inside is a small kitchen, a tiny bathroom, a small sitting area, and a bed. Attached to the front is a really thick manuel.)

Sephiroth: “So is this what you wasted your money on now?”

Rufus: “You’re just jealous because I’ll be eating popcorn, all safe and snug inside my special house, while you’re convulsing and dying on the floor.”

Sephiroth: “You’re kidding me, right?”

Rufus: “That’s how it went in the simulation I ran.”

Algus: “Rufus, there appears to be some kind of novel attached to it.”

(rufus takes it off and reads the cover)

Rufus: “Oh, right.”

Algus: “What is it?”

Rufus: “Instructions on how to get in.”

Algus: “You’ve certainly got a long night ahead.”

Reno: *looking up* “Hey, something’s dripping on me! Nasty!” *steps away*

Edgar: *studying the ceiling* “It appears to be water.”

Seifer: “Water?! But where’s it coming from!? There’s no lake upstairs!”

(then Brady walks in)

Brady: “Hey, guys.”

Zell: “Hey, Brady! There’s water coming from the ceiling!”

Brady: “Uh-oh… Randomly appearing water… That’s another sign.”

Sephiroth: “Oh, geez! Not this crap again! You know, you should write a book and put all your crap in it. You could call it ‘All the Crap I Think I Know’.”

Seifer: *urgently to Brady* “Is there anymore crap we should know about?”

Sephiroth: *hits himself in the forehead* “Why do I bother?”

Tseng: *desperately* “…Reeve?”

Reeve: *really tired* “Still nothing more.”

 

………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

(meanwhile, in loser landheidegger waddles into the room)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I wrote out my will!” *hands it to nida*

Nida: *looking at it* “It’s a bunch of crumbs wrapped up in a napkin.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I’m a poet!”

Scarlet: “You know, I’ve been thinking… What should we do with his room?”

Seymour: “Well, the fumigation alone will take months.”

Kuja: “At least.”

Hojo: “I was thinking I could turn it into a lab.”

Nida: “You already have three! I think I should turn it into my trophy room!”

Scarlet: “Considering you don’t have any, that would be a pretty sorry room.”

Nida: “Shut up, whore! What’s your bright idea, then?”

Scarlet: “I think we should put a hot tub in there.”

Nida: “Ew! Then I’d have to see you in a bathing suit? Gross!”

Scarlet: “You brat!” *kicks him in the shins*

Nida: *grabs his shins* “Ow! My piloting shins!”

Kuja: “How about it can be my private bathroom?”

Seymour: “Why should it be *your* private bathroom? It should be *my* private bathroom.”

Kuja: “I think not.”

Seymour: “I think so.”

Kuja: “I think not.”

Seymour: “I think so.”

Kuja: “I THINK NOT!

Seymour: “I THINK SO!”

Hojo: “Silence! All of you! No sense arguing over this now! This is supposed to be a happy time for all of us!” *pause* “Well, except Heidegger.”

Heidegger: “I won’t be missed! Gya haa haa!”

 

DAY 6

(a bunch of the guys walk into the ramble room to find that rufus is already in his chamber along with his assorted stuffed animal pals)

Zell: “Hey, Rufus! How you doing in there?” *knocks on the glass*

Rufus: “Stop it. This isn’t a zoo.”

Reno: “So how’d you end up getting in there?”

Rufus: “I can’t tell you that! Then you might try and get in too!”

Tseng: “How are we even hearing you talk? You’re behind a thick plate of glass!”

Rufus: “See the speakers in the front? You didn’t think I would have gotten in here without having a way to order you around, did you?”

Tseng: “No, but I was hoping.”

Reno: “Too bad you got in already, man! You’re going to miss my party!”

Sephiroth: “I thought no one was going to your party.”

Reno: “So? A party of one is still a party.” *looks at watch* “In fact, I think I’ll start right now.” *he leaves*

Zidane: “…So I guess we really are all doomed, huh?”

Sephiroth: “Does no one have half a brain in their head around here? I feel like I’m living in a colony of monkeys sometimes!”

Tseng: “Well, Rufus IS behind glass…”

Rufus: “I heard that!”

Sephiroth: “Look, when nothing happens tomorrow you’ll all see who was right, and who should write a book filled with crap.”

Reeve: “Someday already did. It’s called ‘Great Expectations’.”

Setzer: “Nice one.”

Reeve: “Thanks.”

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(back in loser landhojo is taking a package into the house)

Kuja: “What is that? Is that for me?”

Hojo: “For once it is not, my love. This is a safe to put the food in today so Heidegger can’t eat it.”

Scarlet: “…Did it occur to anyone else that he might just eat the safe?”

Hojo: “…. …. …. ….” *hang head* “I wasted my money.”

 

DAY 7 – THE FINAL DAY

(all the doomed people are in the ramble room except lark and Brady. Rufus is sleeping in his chamber. All the guys look pretty nervous. Theyre all quiet for a long time.)

Tseng: “So, Reno… How was the party?”

Reno: “Rockin’, of course.”

(silence)

Edgar: “What time is it?”

Auron: *looks at watch* “According to my watch, we have five more minutes*

Seifer: *bursts into tears* “Five minutes! Only five minutes?!”

Sephiroth: “Oh, stop being a baby. Nothing’s going to happen.”

Barret: “Yo! What makes you so confident?”

Sephiroth: “The fact that Brady is an idiot.”

Cid: “$@#$@#$^@*#^$!?$^!#$@#%@#$!”

Barret: “Cid be right, yo! Look at dat Shinra, sleepin’ like a baby! I’d like ta kick his ass!”

Tseng: “Wouldn’t we all…”

Auron: *checks watch again* “One minute.”

Seifer: *sobs*

Sephiroth: *gets up to stretch* “In one minute you’ll all see who the real idiot is.”

(he then sits back down, but what he doesnt notice is that he sits on the tv remote. The tv turns on to static.)

Zell: “Hey! Who turned the TV on?!”

Everyone: “…………..” *then* “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

(everyone grabs someone to hug in terror. Reno grabs irvine. Zell grabs seifer. Tseng grabs reeve, edgar grabs setzer, andsephiroth grabs vincent)

Sephiroth: *crying on vincent’s shoulder* “Save me, Vincent! I don’t wanna die!!! I don’t wanna die!”

(everyone is screaming for a good two minutes. Then suddenly auron looks at his watch.)

Auron: “Hmm… Nothing seems to have happened.”

(everyone slowly stops screaming and turns to look in confusionat sephiroth, who is still hugging vincent and has *not* stopped screaming)

Sephiroth: “Oh, Vincent! I just want to say that I… I… I lo-“ *he suddenly stops and notices that everyone is quiet and nothing happened* “I’m ALIVE!” *jumps up and knocks poor vincent to the floor*

Vincent: “That’s the most romantic moment I’ll have all year.”

Sephiroth: *jumping up and down* “I’M ALIVE! I’M ALIVE! I’M A—“ *he stops and sees everyone is still staring at him* “I told you Brady was full of crap.” *he leaves*

Reno: “Well, it’s good to know that party wasn’t my last!”

Irvine: “I guess we’ll never know who really did call last week and tell us ‘seven days’.”

(just then the phone rings. Everyone pauses a moment and stares at it uncertainly before tseng picks it up.)

Tseng: “…Hello? ……… …….. ……… Okay, I’ll tell him. Bye.”

Reeve: “Who was that?”

Tseng: “The video store… Seems we have a tape that is fourteen days overdue.”

Reeve: “Fourteen days overdue? …You don’t think…”

Tseng: *looking at reno* “I do think…”

Reno: “Oh man! You mean all this happened because I didn’t return all my pornos on time?! Dudes, I’m sorry!”

Barret: “Yo! I should kick yo’ red haired ass! But I’m too happy to be livin’! So I’ll let this one go. Now let’s be goin’ to play fetch, catratmoo.”

Red: *head against the tv screen* “Where are you?!?!”

Algus: “Wait a moment… What about Rufus? He’s still asleep.”

Zell: “Yeah! He didn’t hear anything that went on!”

Tseng: “Serves him right for being a jerk to all of us. Let’s leave him there.”

Algus: “Even I agree for once. Let us be on our way.”

(they all leave the room.)

 

………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

(meanwhile, in loser land the losers have locked heidegger in the room with the tv. They are all sitting in the dining room with a huge feast on the table. Nida is holding his fork and knife and eagerly looking at the spread before him)

Nida: “This is gonna be great! Do you think he’s dead yet?”

Scarlet: “I’m not sure. Should someone check?”

Nida: “No, forget it. I can’t wait anymore! I’m hungry now!”

(he goes to grab a slice of cake when suddenly one of the doors behind him comes crashing down. Everyone screams and runs into the next room. When they peer back in cautiously they see that heidegger has broken down the door and is now shoving his face full of food)

Hojo: “He’s not dead!”

Nida: “And he’s eating our feast!”

Kuja: *sigh* “I should have known it all seemed too good to be true.”

Seymour: “Look, he’s even eating the silverware.”

Scarlet: *looks away* “I can’t watch.”

(theyre all quiet a moment. Only the sounds of heideggers eating rampage can be heard.)

Scarlet: “You think he’s done yet?”

Heidegger’s voice: “Gya haa haa! Full of empty calories!!”

Kuja: “There goes your safe.”

Hojo: *hangs head* “Ugh…”

Nida: *crying* “It’s not fair! It’s just not fair!!”

Scarlet: *gives him a hug* “It’s okay. Someday he has to die.”

Hojo: “I’m not sure about that. There’s no way a real human being could pass all that metal through their digestive system.”

Nida: *cries harder*

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

(A little while later, rufus wakes up. He yawns and stretches before checking his clock)

Rufus: “Hey! I’m alive!” *frowns* “Dammit. But I missed my show.”

(he gets up and goes over to the glass.)

Rufus: “Hey! Where are all the bodies?” *frowns* “Maybe she took them with her or something.” *shrugs* “I’m bored.”

(just then squall walks in. rufus turns his speakers on)

Rufus: “Hey, Squall, slide a video through the slot in the front, will you? I’m bored.”

Squall: “Sure. Whatever.”

(he grabs the video lying next to the vcr and puts it in the slot. He leaves and rufus pops it in the vcr before sitting back to relax)

Rufus: “Ah. Finally some peace and quiet.”

(suddenly the video comes on and its the ring video again)

Rufus: *eyes wide* “What the….” *screams* “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

 

THE END

 

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