#130 – Who’s Your Daddy?

Tseng: “Hojo? God above, shouldn’t this all be illegal?!”

Originally Published: 3/28/05 . 32 pages

Synopsis
When everyone finds out Elena’s pregnant, a few different guys think they’re the dad!

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

I had this concept and had written a chunk of this one before it eventually went up. I had it stewing in my ‘in progress’ folder for months because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go there – introduce a kid to the ramble room permanently. You know what they say on sitcoms when someone has a baby… But I decided to go with it – I had a lot of characters and the baby would be very minor. Besides, these characters gotta grow up a little! You can probably tell I was struggling a bit with the morality of what Elena does in this ramble – we haven’t seen this much drama in awhile! But there’s plenty of humor too, especially involving Irvine praying he’s not the father.

(we open in the ramble room. there are all the members of shinra. well, except elena. rufus looks annoyed.)

Reno: “I’d stay ready, you guys. The next Sex Day could pop up at any moment.”

Reeve: “I’m always ready.”

Tseng: “Believe me, I know.”

Rude: “I don’t know, man. Better make sure I have some money first.”

Reno: “You don’t need money for Sex Day!”

Rude: “I always need money, man.”

Reno: “Oh, man. It sucks to be you.”

Rufus: “Hello! Can you losers stop talking for five minutes and pay attention to me? I’m trying to have a Shinra meeting here!”

Reno: “Yeah, you always try, but nothing ever really seems to happen.”

Reeve: “Especially since half the executives are in loser land.”

Tseng: “Thank god.”

Rufus: “Well I have something really important to discuss today!”

Reno: “What, are you cutting our salaries again?”

Rufus: “No.”

Reeve: “Are you making us work 12 hour days again?”

Rufus: “No!”

Rude: “Are you taking away our lunch breaks again?”

Rufus: “No!!”

Tseng: “Does Mr. Jingles need a hair cut?”

Rufus: “No!! Geez, don’t any of you realize Elena is missing?”

Guys: *look around*

Reno: “Oh, right.”

Tseng: “I thought it had been too long since I was annoyed.”

Rufus: “She’s been late or not showed up to our last ten meetings!”

Reno: “Yeah, so what? So have I.”

Rufus: “Yeah, but you always do. She’s actually a good employee!”

Reno: “You got me there.”

Tseng: “You know, without Elena, I’m the only one in the room whose name doesn’t start with the letter ‘R’.”

Everyone: *blink blink*

Rufus: “Now *really*, Tseng.”

Tseng: “What? Reeve can make stupid observations. Why can’t I?”

Reeve: “Hey!”

Tseng: “Sorry, baby.”

Rufus: “We’re going to confront her about this once and for all! Who’s with me?”

Guys: *shrug*

Rufus: “…Let’s go.”

(so they get up and go to elena’s room. rufus bangs on the door.)

Rufus: “Elena! Open up!”

(there’s no answer. he knocks again.)

Rufus: “Elena! It’s me! Your boss! Rufus!”

(still nothing)

Reno: “Maybe if you pretend to be someone good, she’ll open the door.”

Rufus: “Shut up, Reno.”

Reeve: “Maybe she’s not there.”

Rufus: “Or she could be passed out inside or something! You didn’t think of that, did you, Reeve?”

Reeve: *blink blink* “Uh, no…”

Rufus: “Tseng, break the door down.”

Tseng: “Uh, I don’t think so.”

Rufus: “Oh, you’re such a wuss. Rude, you do it.”

Rude: “…..”

Rufus: “Come on, Rude. I’ll give you five extra bucks if you do it.”

Rude: *shrugs and rolls up his sleeves*

(and he does knock the door open. rufus then trudges into the room, the others following)

Rufus: “Elena!?! Are you okay?!”

(elena the comes running out of the bathroom, wearing a bathrobe. there’s  something in her hand.)

Elena: “Rufus! What are you doing!?”

Rufus: “You weren’t at the meeting!”

Elena: “So you broke into my room?!”

Rufus: “I thought you were passed out or something!”

Elena: “What am I, Reno?”

Reno: “That’s me.” *grin*

Reeve: “Hey, Elena. What’s that you’ve got there?”

Elena: *blushing* “Oh…” *tries to hide it* “It’s nothing.”

Reno: *gasp* “That’s a pregnancy test!”

Elena: “I…um…uh…”

Reno: *pointing* “And that’s a plus!! There’s a pink plus right there! That’s a positive pregnancy test!!”

Rufus: *jaw drops* “You’re pregnant?!”

Tseng: “Ohmygod…” *faints*

Reeve: *looking down at him* “Um….sweetie? You okay?”

 

………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

(later that day…)

Sephiroth: “Wow… So Elena’s pregnant, huh? I always thought if anyone around here got pregnant it would be Tifa. She’s a slut.”

Tifa: “I am not! Shut up!”

Rufus: “I’m in shock!”

Tifa: “Who’s the father?”

Everyone: “….”

Rufus: “…I don’t know. She didn’t say.”

Irvine: “Uh oh…”

Reno: “Irvine! Do *not* tell me you think it’s you!”

Irvine: “Actually, man. I was thinking it was you…”

Reno: “*What*?”

Irvine: “Or Rufus.”

Rufus: “What?!”

Irvine: “Well, you remember that one Sex Day back before you and Noelle got back together…”

(flash back to the day in question. reno, irvine, rufus and elena are at a bar. they all look pretty drunk.)

Reno: “There’s nothin’ better than havin’ a friendly drink wit’ yer friends on Sex Day, kiddies.”

Irvine: “Except maybe havin’ sex.”

Rufus: *laughs* “Heh heh. Yeah.”

Elena: “Not much chance of that.” *giggles*

Irvine: “Why not?”

Elena: “Cause! One girl…three guys…”

Irvine: “Oh yeah. Right.”

Rufus: “That….sucks…”

Reno: “Hey! I got an idea!”

Irvine: “Wha?”

Reno: “We spin a bottle, and whoever it lands on gets to sleep with Elena.”

Elena: *giggles* “Cool.”

(end flashback.)

Reno: “Hey… That was a good idea…”

Rufus: “So who did it land on?”

Irvine: “I don’t know. That’s all I remember.”

Rufus: “Then it could be any of us! Even you!”

Irvine: “Oh…crap. You’re right.”

Reno: “Oh god. If I knocked up Elena Noelle’s gonna kill me.”

Rufus: “At least I could get an heir…”

Irvine: “My pa’ll kill me! Oh, who am I kidding!? I’ll kill me!”

Rufus: “How are we ever gonna know who the father is?”

Irvine: “I know! Why don’t we all just have sex with her and see if it feels familiar?”

Reno: “Uh, no, man.”

Sephiroth: “Why don’t you morons stop freaking out, and take Elena to get a paternity test to see who the father is?”

Rufus: “Yeah! That’ll put an end to our worrying!”

Reno: “You can’t force her if she doesn’t want to.”

Rufus: “Sure I can! I’m her boss!”

(so the guys go hunt down elena. rufus knocks on the door.)

Irvine: *nervously* “What if it’s me? What if it’s my kid? I’ll never get another date!”

Rufus: “Shush, will you? Stop wishing it wasn’t yours or you’ll jinx it!”

Irvine: “What?!”

Reno: “He wants it to be his.”

Irvine: “Why?? Just ’cause you want an heir?”

Rufus: “It’s not only that! Don’t you see? She’s blonde, I’m blonde. The kid’s bound to be gorgeous!”

Reno: “Oh please.”

Irvine: “Reno!! I don’t get it!! Why aren’t you upset?!”

Reno: “I have to concentrate so I don’t piss my pants.”

(the door opens and elena peeks out)

Elena: “What is it now?”

Rufus: “Elena, as your boss, I order for you to get a paternity test.”

Elena: “What?!”

Irvine: “You remember that last Sex Day where we all got kinda drunk?”

Elena: “……”

Reno: “Yeah. Silence means yes.”

Rufus: “Precisely. So, unless you know who the father is, as your boss I *order* you to get the test done, or you’re fired.”

Reno: *mumbles* “I really do think that’s illegal.”

Rufus: “So *do* you know who the father is?”

Elena: “……”

Rufus: “That means no. Let’s go then! Off to the doctor!”

Irvine: “I’m gonna be sick.”

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

(a little while later, at the doctor…everyone’s sitting around. elena’s hanging her head, reno’s staring at the ceiling. rufus is impatient. irvine is down on his knees, praying.)

Irvine: “Lord? It’s me, Irvine. I know I never prayed before, but I figure you might have heard of me ’cause I’m so popular. Look, if I’m not the father of Elena’s baby, I swear that I’ll never…uh….I’ll never…um…I’ll never drink or have sex between 5:30 A.M. and 6:00 A.M. Monday through Friday. Except on Sex Day and St. Patrick’s Day.” *pause* “Oh! And my birthday. Or Reno’s birthday. Or the birthday of the person I’m drinking with or having sex with. Thanks.”

Reno: “And Lord, I swear I won’t smack Irvine for being such an idiot.”

Rufus: “Shush! Would you stop it?” *checks watch* “What’s taking this doctor so long? It’s been an hour!”

Reno: “Well, it’s a medical test, Rufus. It takes time.”

Rufus: “What time? Can’t they just run it through a machine or something?”

Reno: *rolls eyes* “Sure. Right next to the machine that can alter your DNA to give you super powers.”

Rufus: “Really? How much does that cost?”

(then the door opens, and in comes the famous dr. zack, chart in hand.)

Dr. Zack: “Elena?”

Elena: “Yes?”

Dr. Zack: “The results are in.”

Irvine: *sobbing* “It’s me, isn’t it? Dammit! I knew it!” *pounds the floor* “Why God?!? Why?!!? Wasn’t my sacrifice good enough for you?!”

Dr. Zack: “It’s not you, Irvine.”

Irvine: *looks up with tears running down his cheeks* “It’s not?” *grins* “It’s not?!?!” *gets up and bounces happily* “I’m getting drunk and having sex tonight!”

Dr. Zack: “Considering that’s what got you in here to begin with, don’t you think you should rethink the way you’re living your life and make more mature decisions?”

Irvine: “Screw, that man! I’m young! I’ve got time later to be boring!  In fact, what am I doing wasting time right now?! I could be buying booze with my fake I.D.!” *he leaves*

Reno: *wipes away tear* “That’s m’boy.”

Dr. Zack: “Okay, then. I–“

Reno: *leaps to his feet* “Oh crap! It’s me then, isn’t it?? Crap!! I should have known all that recklessness would catch up to me one day!”

Dr. Zack: “Actually, Reno, it’s not you either.”

Reno: *perks up* “It’s not?” *grin* “Hell, I’m with Irvine then.” *he leaves*

Rufus: *happy sobbing* “And they said it could never happen! They said Mako makes you sterile! But I showed them!”

Dr. Zack: “…Actually, Mr. Shinra, it’s not you either.”

Rufus: *blink blink* “Excuse me?”

Dr. Zack: “You’re not the father. None of you are. The results were inconclusive.”

Rufus: “What?! No!!” *head in hands* “This isn’t fair! I already made a list of names!”

Dr. Zack: “I’m sorry, Rufus.” *he leaves*

Elena: “Oh well. Guess we’ll never know.” *she slips out*

Rufus: *pouts* “How slutty is Elena?? Who could this guy possibly be? That doctor must know something!”

(and so he sneaks out of the room and heads over to the desk where dr. zack is talking with the receptionist behind the counter. rufus sees elena’s clearly marked chart lying on the counter. very slowly he sidesteps over to it, and while the dr. is pointing something out on a calendar, he flips it open and reads the last sentence on it. it reads: ‘test results indicate that none of the tested males are the father. all that can be determined of real father is that he has been subjected to high amounts of mako and has O- blood.’ rufus then slams shut the chart just as dr. zack looks up and over at him.)

Dr. Zack: “Sorry again about how that test turned out.”

Rufus: *grins and shrugs* “You win some, you lose some, eh?”

Dr. Zack: “…Right. Well, give my regards to Cloud.”

Rufus: “You betcha.”

(dr. zack leaves, and rufus quickly scurries outside, grinning.)

Rufus: *triumphantly* “Exposed to high amounts of Mako! It must be someone in Shinra!! I have a chart of everyone’s blood type! I’ll know who the baby’s father is before the day is out!! Ah ha! Ah ha ha ha ha!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Ha ha–” *pauses and sighs* “Oh boy am I bored.”

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

(and so, we see a room marked: ‘secret files of shinra: keep out!’ inside is rufus, surrounded by piles of messy looking file folders.)

Rufus: *exasperated* “This would be so much easier to find if this crap was in some kind of order!!!” *annoyed sigh* “Whoever’s in charge of this stuff is so fired.”

(he goes back and rummages through a file cabinet a bit more. he then comes out, eyes sparkling, file marked ‘blood types’ in his hands)

Rufus: “Ah ha!! I’ll know at last!”

(he opens it up and looks down the list quickly. at the end of the list his eyes widen, nearly coming out of their sockets)

Rufus: “No, no, no…. This can’t be…” *he searches the list again* “Ohmygod… It has to be… He’s the only one with O- blood…” *looks up in shock* “But how can that be possible?? How can *Tseng* be the father??”

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

(later…elena is coming out of the shower, and is in a robe, towel drying her hair. there’s knocking at her door, and she’s going over.)

Elena: “I’m coming, I’m coming! Relax!!”

(she opens the door. it’s rufus.)

Elena: “Oh. Hello, sir.”

Rufus: “Elena, we need to talk.” *comes in*

Elena: *shuts door with a sigh* “Rufus, I’m sorry you’re not the father–“

Rufus: “I know who it is.”

Elena: “…What?”

Rufus: *looking her straight in the eyes* “I know who the father is. So do you. It’s Tseng.”

Elena: “Ohmygod…. How did you find that out?!”

Rufus: “Let’s just say I have my ways…” *pause* “So how drunk did you get him?”

Elena: “It didn’t happen like that.”

Rufus: “Was it drugs then?”

Elena: “No! ….We never had sex.”

Rufus: *scratches head* “…You mean all these years I’ve been doing it wrong?”

Elena: “No, Rufus. …I made myself pregnant.”

Rufus: “…Okay, now you’ve totally lost me.”

Elena: “If you must know, I took Tseng’s sperm and I–“

Rufus: “Whoa! Okay, I get it.” *pause* “But where the hell did you get his sperm from? Or don’t I want to know.”

Elena: “…I got it from Hojo.”

Rufus: “What?! Hojo!! How did he get it?”

Elena: “Oh, he has everyone’s.”

Rufus: *shudders*

Elena: “So that’s it, Rufus. I’m sorry you’re so disappointed.” *she turns away*

Rufus: “Whoa! Wait a minute, Elena!” *grabs her arm* “You have to tell Tseng about this.”

Elena: *eyes widen and she shakes her head*

Rufus: “How can you say no? You’re having his baby. We all live on top of one another. He’ll find out about this sooner or later.”

Elena: “…I can’t tell him. I’m too scared.”

Rufus: “Maybe you should have thought about that before you did something crazy like this!”

Elena: “You don’t understand.”

Rufus: “Try me.”

Elena: “…I’m not sure who I’m having this baby for anymore. At first it was for him, because I knew he wanted one, but now I think it’s for me, because *I* want one.”

Rufus: “You have to tell him. I don’t care if you’re having it for a family of lions. Those are his *genes*, Elena. He’s never gonna have a kid of his own. You *have* to tell him. Because if you don’t, I will.”

Elena: “…..” *closes eyes* “What if he gets mad?”

Rufus: “Even so. You made this choice, now you have to deal with it.” *he goes to leave but pauses in the doorway* “You’ll have to deal with Reeve too, you know. I hope you can make them understand why you did this.” *he leaves*

Elena: *sinking down on the bed* “I can’t…”

 

………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

(a short time later in reeve and tseng’s room…reeve is in his little den, typing away intently on the computer…tseng peeks his head in)

Tseng: “Honey, it’s getting late.”

Reeve: *absently* “Uh-huh, I know.”

Tseng: “Turn that off and come to bed.”

Reeve: “It’s not that late. I’m not tired.”

Tseng: “I said come to ‘bed’. Not go to sleep.”

Reeve: *pause* “Oh.” *turns around* “As much as I want to, baby, and as…tempted as I am to say screw this and screw you instead, I *really* have to finish this.”

Tseng: “Fine… No waking me up in the middle of the night then.”

Reeve: “Huh?”

Tseng: “Never mind.” *mumbles* “Why do I waste my breath?”

(he goes into the other room, and there is promptly a knock at the door.)

Tseng: “This better not be Kuja with more seaweed masks…”

(he opens the door. it’s elena, looking uneasy.)

Tseng: “Oh. Elena. Hi. Is something wrong?”

Elena: *avoiding his eyes* “Not really… Tseng, I need to talk to you…alone…”

Tseng: *confused* “Uh….okay. Reeve’s busy in the other room. Come on in.”

(she does, looking increasingly nervous. she goes to sit, but can’t, and paces instead.)

Tseng: “Elena, something’s the matter, isn’t it.”

Elena: “…Kind of…”

Tseng: “Is it about…the baby?”

Elena: “…Yes.”

Tseng: *very concerned* “What is it? Is something wrong?” *he gets up and holds her by the shoulders*

Elena: *still not looking at him* “…It’s about the father…”

Tseng: “What about him?” *shaking her a little* “Elena, look at me.”

Elena: *crying* “Tseng… I… The father… The father is…”

Tseng: *takes her face in his hands* “Elena, Elena. Relax. It’s okay. Whatever it is, I’m here for you, you know that.”

Elena: “…It’s you.”

Tseng: *dead freeze*

Elena: “You’re the father, Tseng. I took your sperm, and I… And now I’m pregnant. It’s your baby. Yours and mine.”

Tseng: *quietly hisses* “*What*?”

Elena: *timidly* “Please don’t be mad.”

Tseng: *stepping away from her* “Mad?! How can I not be mad?! You went behind my back and–and where the hell did you even get it?”

Elena: *quietly* “Hojo.”

Tseng: “Hojo? God above, shouldn’t this all be illegal?!”

Elena: “…I’m sorry, I… I wasn’t going to tell you–“

Tseng: “Wasn’t going to tell me? You’re carrying my kid and you weren’t even going to…” *he turns away from her and runs a hand over his face* “God.”

Elena: “…Do you want me to leave?”

Tseng: “No.” *pause* “No!” *turns around* “How could you do this behind my back? What do you want from me now?”

Elena: “Nothing. I don’t want anything from you.”

Tseng: “Did you expect me to just dump you and let you raise the kid yourself?”

Elena: “I…don’t expect anything from you.”

Tseng: “Look, I don’t think what you did was right. It wasn’t fair either. And I don’t understand why the hell you did it. But what’s done is done, I’m going to help you with the baby.” *murmurs* “I *have* always wanted a child…”

Elena: *smiling* “I knew you did. That’s why I did this to begin with.”

Tseng: “Because of *me*? God, Elena, what about you?”

Elena: “Well, I want it too, of course.”

Tseng: *sigh* “I don’t believe this. What is Reeve going to say?”

Elena: “……”

Tseng: “Maybe you better leave for awhile and let me…think about this.”

Elena: “…Okay.” *she moves towards the door* “I’m…sorry, Tseng.”

Tseng: “That’s not the right thing to say.”

(elena quickly ducks out. just as she does, reeve comes back in, rubbing his hands together)

Reeve: “I changed my mind. Anything can wait for you. So…”

Tseng: *frowns*

Reeve: “What’s wrong?”

Tseng: “…Nothing. Sorry, I’m just not in the mood anymore.” *he goes and lies down*

Reeve: “…But you were ready to jump me five minutes ago.” *goes and sits next to him* “What’s the matter, sweetheart?”

Tseng: “…You’re going to be mad.”

Reeve: “…And why would I be mad? What did you do?”

Tseng: “I didn’t do anything.” *turns on his back* “Remember how Elena’s pregnant?”

Reeve: “Yes…”

Tseng: “Well… She told me the father.”

Reeve: “And…?”

Tseng: “It’s…me.”

Reeve: “What?! Tseng, you said you’d never–“

Tseng: *sits up quickly* “I haven’t! I didn’t even know until she told me just now! She bought my sperm off of Hojo.”

Reeve: “Oh, god!”

Tseng: “I know! And now she’s gonna have a baby! And she said she started off doing this because she knew *I* wanted a child! Is this insane, or what?”

Reeve: “Shouldn’t this all be illegal?”

Tseng: “Probably.”

Reeve: “I don’t believe this. Is she insane? What makes her think she can have a kid with you? You’re *my* husband. Just because we can’t have kids doesn’t give any female the right to do it for us!”

Tseng: “Right.”

Reeve: “Well, you’ll just have to tell her you don’t want anything to do with the kid.”

Tseng: “….”

Reeve: “What?”

Tseng: “Are you kidding? I won’t tell her that. I want *everything* to do with that kid.”

Reeve: *head in his hands* “Oh god.”

Tseng: “Don’t act so surprised, Reeve. You know I’ve always wanted a kid.”

Reeve: “I know that! But this isn’t *our* kid. It’s just yours. And *hers*.”

Tseng: “Reeve, what’s mine is yours. Of course you’d be involved too.”

Reeve: “Great. I can be the third party. The evil stepfather. Wonderful.”

Tseng: “It won’t be like that.”

Reeve: “You’re *my* husband. If your sperm belongs to anyone else, it’s me. I’d be in right mind to sue somebody.”

Tseng: “Oh god, Reeve. Don’t you think you’re overreacting?”

Reeve: “Don’t you think you’re under reacting? God, Tseng! Elena just went and changed our whole relationship without either of us knowing!”

Tseng: “It doesn’t have to involve you if you don’t want it to, Reeve.”

Reeve: “First I’m going to be involved. Now I’m not. Why don’t you just have me sleep outside for gods sake!”

Tseng: “I’m just asking you to make up your mind! I’d want you to be a part of it, but if you don’t want to be, nobody’s forcing you! I would like to think you’d support me in something as important as this!”

Reeve: “I would think you should have been *consulted* on something as important as this! A child changes things, Tseng. Remember when we had Max? I barely even saw you. I don’t know what Elena thinks she’s doing–she might have thought twice about this if she knew what a terrible father you make.”

(oh…that was not a good thing to say! tseng glares at reeve, his jaw clenched.)

Tseng: “…Get out.”

Reeve: “You’re kicking me out already? Fine! I knew it would happen sooner or later.”

Tseng: “I can’t believe you’d say that about me! Get out of here before I deck you!”

Reeve: *going for the door* “Fine! Clearly, you’d rather have this kid than me!” *takes off his ring and throws it onto the bed* “Here. Give it to Elena. She’s so obsessed with you she won’t even care that you can’t have sex with her!” *he leaves and slams the door*

(and tseng…? well, we all know tseng. he breaks down in tears.)

 

……………………………………………………………………………………….

 

(meanwhile, in loser land, enter hojo counting a large stack of cash. everyone else is crowded around nida, who is telling a story.)

Nida: “And *that’s* how we managed to get back to civilization alive.”

Seymour: “…Wow.”

Scarlet: “I’m honestly impressed.”

Kuja: “You managed to get past those bats and everything.”

Heidegger: “A fascinating tale! Gya haa haa!”

Kefka: “Hehehehe! Amusements…”

Nida: “That story’s so good that if I wrote a book about it it would be a best seller.” *mutters* “It’d beat any book Squall could write.”

Hojo: “Attention, all! Look what has come into my possession!”

(everyone looks over, their eyes falling immediately to the money in his hands)

Scarlet: “Wow! Where the hell did you get all that? Sell your porn collection?”

Hojo: “Please! What kind of freak do you take me for? I sold some of the sperm I keep in my refrigerator.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! And they say my collections are weird!”

Nida: “You collect goat fur!”

Heidegger: “Even so! Gya haa haa!”

Seymour: “Whose sperm was it?”

Hojo: “Tseng’s. I always knew his would come in handy.”

Kuja: “And where, dare I ask, did you get it?”

Hojo: “Oh, I have my ways.”

Heidegger: “I bet he’s sick enough to have mine! Gya haa haa!”

Stinky: *snort*

Scarlet: “Let me guess, Hojo. You sold it to Elena.”

Hojo: “Who else? And I charged her double!”

Kuja: “You lovely, sick minded wacko. I hope you’re planning to spend every last penny on me.”

Hojo: “Actually, I’m not quite sure what I want to spend it on yet.” *thoughtfully* “I always did want to open that all boys school…”

Kuja: “That goes against the court order, remember?”

Hojo: “Drat, you’re right. Hmmm…”

Kuja: “Have I mentioned how sexy your lab coat is?”

Seymour: “Ugh, now you’re just getting desperate. Has he ever cleaned that thing? Ever?”

Hojo: “This will require further thought.” *he wanders off*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! He should buy a supermarket!”

Nida: “What the hell’s the point of that? You’d just eat everything in there in 2 seconds!”

Heidegger: “Meal of a lifetime! Gya haa haa!”

Scarlet: *thoughtfully* “Maybe he could help me get my business back on its feet.”

Nida: “It’d take more than money!”

Scarlet: “Oh shut up! Why don’t you go watch all the editions of Shinra news you taped for the millionth time?”

Nida: “Shut up! You’re just mad that Sunshine likes me!” *runs out crying*

Kefka: “Hehehehehe…money for tentacles!” *he disappears*

Everyone: “………………” (gya haa haa!)

Scarlet: “You know, we better figure out a way to spend this money so it benefits all of us. Otherwise he’ll just install more cameras or something.”

Kuja: “I still believe he has his own reality show running on the internet.”

Seymour: “Well what do we all want?”

(they all think. and think. and think. and think. finally kuja gets up and stretches)

Scarlet: “Did you think of something?”

Kuja: “No. I’m just going to the ramble room to see Tseng. My sixth sense is telling me that this whole Elena thing didn’t go over too well.”

Scarlet: “I thought your sixth sense told you when Sephora was having a sale.”

Kuja: *flips hair over shoulder* “I have many talents.”

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

(meanwhile back at the ramble room…lark, seph and vincent are there)

Lark: “WAIT, WHAT?!?!?!”

Sephiroth: “Yup. Elena is having a baby. She bought the stuff off Hojo.”

Lark: “Hojo?! Ew! How did he manage that?!”

Sephiroth: “Do you really even want to know?”

Lark: “No. But ewwwwwwwwwwww! Well how’s Tseng taking it?”

Sephiroth: *shrugs*

Lark: “And Reeve?”

Sephiroth: *shrugs*

Lark: “Don’t you know anything? I thought you were friends with them!”

Sephiroth: “What time have I had for chitchat? I’ve been helping Vincent rust-proof his claw! And that’s the farthest thing from my idea of fun!”

Vincent: “…I’m right here.”

Lark: *sigh* “Well, this is just the *weirdest* thing. It’s like some kind of soap opera or something.”

(then kuja walks in)

Kuja: “Greetings all.”

Lark: “Oh, hey, Kuja. What’s up?”

Kuja: “I was looking for Tseng… Has anyone seen him?”

Lark: “No… Uh… Have you-“

Kuja: “Of course I have! I live with Hojo. He’s been bragging all day.”

Lark: “You don’t happen to know how he got that stuff in the first place, do you?”

Kuja: “Gods no. And I don’t want to.”

Sephiroth: “I told you.”

Kuja: “So none of you have seen him?”

Lark: “No. Maybe you better check his room.”

Kuja: “Very well. Ta-ta.”

(he leaves.)

Sephiroth: “If you like Kuja now, why is he still with the losers?”

Lark: “I…don’t…know…”

(then reeve enters, fuming)

Reeve: “Well there goes my marriage! Thanks Elena! If anyone needs me I’ll be at the office!”

(he storms out)

Everyone: “…………………………………………..”

Lark: “Okay, that is….bad.”

Vincent: “It seems Reeve did not take the news well.”

Sephiroth: *big sigh* “I guess you’re going to say that we have to help them, right?”

Lark: “Yup. Vincent and I will go find Reeve. Sephiroth, go find Tseng.”

Sephiroth: “Fine.” *pouts* “I’m always stuck helping people. I’m too nice.”

Lark and Vincent: *exchange a look*

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

(so sephiroth catches up with kuja in the hallway)

Sephiroth: “Hey, Kuja, wait up.”

Kuja: *stopping and turning around* “Okay, first we have to do something about those eyelashes.”

Sephiroth: “What?!”

Kuja: *blink blink* “Aren’t you asking me for make-up advice?”

Sephiroth: “No! I’m coming with you to talk to Tseng.”

Kuja: “Oh. Why?”

Sephiroth: “Because Reeve just came in the ramble room all pissed off, saying his marriage was over.”

Kuja: “My sixth sense never lies.”

Sephiroth: “What?”

Kuja: “Never mind.”

(they go to tseng and reeve’s room and knock on the door. tseng opens it)

Tseng: “Oh…hey, guys.”

Kuja: “Tseng, sweetie, we heard all about it and had to come talk to you.” *he comes into the room*

Tseng: *to seph* “What, did Lark make you come?”

Sephiroth: “Kind of.”

(seph comes in too, and tseng shuts the door. kuja has already made himself comfortable on the bed and is filing his nails)

Kuja: “So what happened with Reeve?”

Tseng: *big sigh* “Basically he thinks I’m stupid for wanting to have anything to do with this… He doesn’t want to be the ‘evil step-father’ and he called me a bad parent. Fantastic, right?”

Sephiroth: “Ouch.”

Kuja: “So you’re happy about this?”

Tseng: “Yes… No… I don’t know. On one hand I think what she did was really low – I mean she gets herself pregnant with my baby behind my back? What kind of world is this?”

Sephiroth: *mutters* “One with Hojo living in it…”

Tseng: “But on the other hand… I’m…kinda happy about it. I’ve always wanted a kid.” *sighs and sits on the bed* “I don’t know. This is all so strange. I mean, even though she did this behind my back…I can’t just dump Elena on this. But on the other hand…Reeve…he’s more important to me than anyone…”

Kuja: “…Well…this doesn’t happen to me often, Tseng. But I really have nothing to say.”

Sephiroth: “This is messed up even beyond my comprehension. The only thing you can really do is talk to him. Reeve’s pretty rational, right? Well, then again, this whole situation is pretty irrational…”

Tseng: “Exactly.”

Sephiroth: “Well, if it makes you feel any better, Lark and Vincent went over and talked to him. And you know those two. They won’t shut up until they’ve talked some sense into him.”

Tseng: “I wonder what he’s thinking right now…”

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(meanwhile at shinra headquarters…rufus is walking by reeve’s office when he hears a lot of banging around and cursing coming from inside)

Rufus: *pauses and listens*

Reeve: *from inside* “#$#@^$#&%^*&%$^*#^@#%@#$%$%&%^*^$&#&@%^@#$%#@!!!!!”

Rufus: *jaw drops* “Where the hell did he learn that language?”

Cid: *walks by and waves to rufus* “$#%@&@#@!”

Rufus: *waves back* “Hey, Cid.”

(cid leaves)

Rufus: *furrows brow* “What the hell is Cid doing here?”

Reeve: *from inside* “$%@#^#&^%*$^#@%$@!!”

Rufus: “Yikes. Maybe I should go in there.”

(rufus opens the door and peeks inside. he sees reeve slamming and throwing stuff around angrily. the office is a mess.)

Rufus: “Uh… Reeve… Everything okay?”

Reeve: “Everything’s fine. Just cleaning my office.” *throws something else on the floor*

Rufus: “Um… Okay… Do you need any help?”

Reeve: “Yeah, you can help me. You can fire Elena. Bitch!” *throws more stuff on the floor*

Rufus: *under his breath* “Oh boy…” *to reeve* “You know, Reeve… This is all kind of my fault, I guess.”

Reeve: *looks at him* “What?”

Rufus: “Well, I told Elena she should tell Tseng the truth.”

Reeve: *glares*

Rufus: *covers head with arms* “Don’t throw things at me!”

(then lark and vincent run in)

Lark: “Reeve! There you are!”

Reeve: “What now?”

Vincent: “We came to speak to you about what happened.”

Reeve: “Well don’t waste your breath.” *goes and sits at desk* “I’ve made up my mind.”

(lark, vincent and rufus go and stand across from him)

Lark: “Reeve, I know this isn’t exactly…the most normal thing to happen, but it did happen. And it wasn’t like this was Tseng’s idea!”

Vincent: “Do you really think it’s quite fair to dump him over this?”

Reeve: “Why not? He picks this baby over me fast enough.”

Rufus: *whispers to lark* “Maybe someone with kids should talk to him.”

Lark: *whispers back* “Who do we know that has kids?”

Rufus: *whispers* “Uh…Hojo?”

Lark: *whispers* “Ew, no.”

Rufus: *whispers* “Um… Hey, what about Laguna?”

Lark: *whispers* “Still not a good example.”

Vincent: “Reeve… Think about what you would do in his situation.”

Reeve: “…………………………….”

Rufus: “Yeah, Reeve. You wouldn’t do anything different.”

Reeve: “…That aside though… You know what kind of parent he is, Rufus.”

Rufus: “………..”

Lark: “Well, things like that can be worked on! He could take a parenting class or something!”

Rufus: “And besides, didn’t you always want a kid?”

Reeve: “Yeah… But not like this…”

Vincent: “The child will need a loving and supportive home. You don’t want to bring a child into a unstable environment.”

Rufus: “Besides, you love Tseng, right? Didn’t you vow to stay together in good times and bad?” *frowns* “Ugh, I can’t believe what I’m saying.”

Reeve: “…. … … …Yeah. I did.”

Lark: *cautiously* “…You think maybe you can work this out?”

Reeve: *mumbles* “I guess we could talk about it.”

Lark: “Yay! Now how about some hugs?”

(reeve gets up and gives lark a hug. then he gets a hug from vincent. then he looks at rufus.)

Rufus: “Don’t hug me. You’ll wrinkle my outfit.”

Reeve: “Rufus, you did the right thing by telling Elena to tell Tseng.”

Rufus: “…Thanks, Reeve.”

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(meanwhile, back in loser land…kuja’s not back yet, and hojo is still in the back somewhere. but nida has rejoined the group)

Seymour: “We should put in our own spa.”

Nida: “No! A weight room!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Grocery store!”

Everyone else: “For the last time, no!”

(kuja then returns)

Kuja: “Hello all.”

Scarlet: “So was your sixth sense right?”

Kuja: “Is it ever wrong?”

Seymour: “Sephora is having a sale?”

Kuja: “No, this was a different sense.”

Nida: “We’re still thinking about what to do with the money.”

Heidegger: “Grocery store! Gya haa haa!”

Nida: “If you say that one more freakin’ time I’m gonna duct tape your damn mouth shut!”

(then hojo comes out of the back)

Hojo: “I have decided what to spend the money on!”

Scarlet: “No way! We were all going to decide!”

Hojo: “Why should you get to decide? You didn’t do anything to earn it!”

Nida: “Because we’re not disgusting weirdo scientists!”

Hojo: “That’s right. I’m special. Anyway, I have decided to spend the money settling the rest of my lawsuits.”

Everyone: “Oh…”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Wandering hands!”

Scarlet: “Can I least have some to pay the rest of my fine?”

Hojo: “No.”

Kuja: “Well what good are you then?” *sigh* “I’m bored.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Let’s play tiddly winks!”

Seymour: *sigh* “Just think of what we could have done with that money. Now we’re stuck sitting here playing the same stupid games over and over.”

Nida: “It could be worse. At least Heidegger didn’t eat the games.”

Heidegger: “Good idea! Gya haa haa!” *goes to grab one*

Everyone else: “NO!!!!” *pounces on him*

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

(meanwhile back to tseng. he’s alone in the room again. there’s a knock at the door and he quickly answers it. it’s elena.)

Tseng: “…Oh. Hi. Come in.”

(he steps aside and she comes in. she doesn’t look at him)

Elena: “Look… I wanted to say I was sorry… I heard about Reeve, and… I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

Tseng: “I know.”

Elena: “You know, Tseng, in all honesty, I’m totally sure why I decided to do this… I just felt that my life was so…empty. I’ve always wanted to have a child, but… I don’t know. I guess I just wanted this for myself. That’s why I didn’t tell you.”

Tseng: “…I guess I can kind of understand that. But can I ask you one question, Elena?”

Elena: “Yes?”

Tseng: “…Why me?”

Elena: *small smile* “As if it isn’t obvious.”

Tseng: “Elena…”

Elena: “…I love you, Tseng. And I admire you. That’s why… That’s why it had to be you.”

Tseng: “Oh, Elena…”

Elena: “I know. I’m completely stupid.”

(then there’s a quick knock at the door…and who enters, but reeve.)

Reeve: “Oh… I didn’t know-“

Tseng: “Reeve! You came back!”

Reeve: *small smile* “Of course I did.” *puts out his hand* “I believe I left something of mine behind.”

(smiling, tseng goes over and presses reeves wedding ring into his hand)

Reeve: “Thanks.”

Elena: “Um…Reeve? I’m really sorry that I threw all of this onto you guys all of a sudden. I didn’t really intend for anyone to know…”

Reeve: “I know. Rufus told me.”

Tseng: “Did Lark and Vincent talk to you?”

Reeve: “They did.” *sigh* “This whole situation is still so weird for me. But what’s done is done. And we all have to be here to love and support this baby.”

Tseng: “Thanks, Reeve.”

Reeve: *puts his ring back on* “For better or for worse, right?”

Tseng: “I really think this all happened for a reason.”

Reeve: “And in the future, Elena, if you want a baby and don’t want the father to care about it, pick Irvine or something.”

Elena: “You should have seen him at the doctors office when I was getting the paternity test done. He was freaking out. All of them thought one of them had slept with me that one night. But none of them did. They spun this stupid bottle to decide who would sleep with me, but it ended up crashing and breaking on the floor. And then Irvine claimed that somehow made him the winner, but he and Rufus were the ones that ended up making out on the way home. They were both so drunk – Irvine thought Rufus was me and Rufus thought Irvine was a girl. I was too embarrassed to tell them the truth! Imagine what President Rufus would do if he found out the truth!”

Reeve: “……………..”

Tseng: “………………”

Reeve: “Well…”

Tseng: “I guess sometimes…you can be drunk enough.”

Reeve: “I guess so.”

All: “………………..”

Elena: “So… What now?”

Reeve: “Now… I guess… Well… We have a lot to do. Where should we start first?”

Tseng: “Well, the baby will need a nursery.”

Elena: “Ooh! Let’s go see where Lark thinks we should put it!”

Tseng: “Elena…”

Elena: “Yes, *dad*?” *smile*

Tseng: *small smile* “Good idea.”

 

THE END

 

 

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