Reno: “That’s it! I’ve had it with them! We don’t recycle shoes where I come from! Who wants those jerks gone?”

Originally Published: 9/2/04 . 30 pages

Synopsis
The vampires and the Gundam Wing guys all wind up staying at the ramble room at the same time! The Final Fantasy guys aren’t thrilled about sharing their rooms. Can they get rid of these unwanted house guests?

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

The moment where Lark walks in on Sephiroth washing Alucard’s hair is one of my favorite ramble moments ever. It’s one of the many moments in the rambles where I really wish it was a cartoon and people could actually see it – there is a lot of visual humor here which doesn’t translate 100% to just the written word. Anyway, this ramble was originally called “A Pilot in Every Home, and a Gundam in Every Garage” and it was just supposed to feature the Gundam pilots. But then I realized I couldn’t live without Alucard and Dracula so I shoehorned them in there. Other things I love in this ramble include Twilight’s “twin” and everything Shadow does.

(in the ramble room we have rufus, algus, zidane, sephiroth, vincent, auron, Brady and lark. They are all crowded around rufus, who is taping up something he typed next to the phone. Lark doesn’t look too happy about it.)

Lark: “Rufus, I’m not saying that every time I answer the phone.”

Rufus: “Hey, who’s paying for the site now? Me. You have to say it. Everyone has to say it, or they’ll be putting up my new billboard in the snowy mountains. I’m recording all the calls now, so I’ll know who’s saying it, and who’s going up the mountains with a hammer.”

Lark: “Rufus, I don’t want to say a commercial when I answer the phone at my own ramble room! It sounds stupid!”

Rufus: “Nonsense! It sounds great!” *the phone rings* “Great! Now you’ll all hear how great it sounds!” *he answers chipperly with a smile* “Thank you for calling the ramble room, sponsored by Rufus J. Shinra and his selection of quality products! For a Rufus brand catalog, please call 1-800-IluvRuf, or 1-800-458-8783. This is Rufus speaking, how are you on this fine day to shop?” *he frowns* “Oh.” *holds it out to lark* “It’s for you.”

Lark: “Who is it?”

Rufus: “Gundam Wing jerk #1.”

Lark: “Ooh! Heero!” *takes phone* “Hello? … Good, how are you? …. Oh?” *she frowns* “….. …… Oh! ………….. …. Oh my god! That’s horrible! ………. ….. …..Sure! ………..Oh yeah! Don’t worry about it! …..Okay, see you later. Bye.” *hangs up*

Sephiroth: “Just when I thought I would get to live the rest of my life without those jerks.”

Lark: “They’re about to get a lot closer, Sephy.”

Sephiroth: “What does that mean?”

Lark: “Heero, Trowa, Duo and Quatre were out at Quatre’s 20th sister’s birthday party, and Wufei blew up Libra doing target practice with Nataku! So now they have nowhere to go! Worse, Treize and Zechs were supposed to stay with them while getting their house fumigated.”

Sephiroth: “What a shame. Do they want you to reserve a block of rooms at Motel 6?”

Lark: “No! I told them they could all come and stay with us!”

Sephiroth and Rufus: “WHAT?!”

Rufus: “Are you crazy? I own this ramble room, and I say no way!”

Lark: “I came up with the idea of the ramble room, and I say too bad!”

Sephiroth: “Lark! We all hate them!”

Lark: “Sorry, Sephy. Besides, it’ll be fun to have house guests.”

Sephiroth: “No. It’ll be a nightmare!”

Rufus: “They’ll stay in the ramble girls rooms, right?”

Lark: “Er…actually, we’re having those rooms redecorated, remember? The girls are all in the Bahamas while their rooms are getting redone. They’ll have to stay in the rooms with some of you guys.”

Sephiroth: “No! No way! I refuse to share a room with any of them!”

Rufus: “Me too!”

Lark: “Well, I think the only fair way to do this is by raffle.”

Zidane: “Lark, I go through enough torture every day. Can I be exempt from the raffle?”

Algus: “I resent that, slave. I treat you quite well.”

Zidane: “Last night you gave me a glass of water and crusts off your sandwich for dinner!”

Algus: “You should be grateful to have my scraps.”

Lark: “Sorry, Zidane. But it wouldn’t be fair to the others.”

Algus: “Lark, I will pay you so I do not get stuck with them. How does $200,000 sound?”

Lark: “Great!”

Rufus: “I’ll double it!”

Lark: “Er…never mind, Algus. That wouldn’t be fair either.”

Sephiroth: “Damn right it isn’t! I’d sell Vincent’s remaining body parts rather than room with those creeps!”

Vincent: “Thanks a lot, angel.”

Auron: “Your body parts are only valuable when attached to you, Vincent.”

Sephiroth: “Shut up, Auroran, or I’ll sells yours too!”

Lark: “Nobody’s selling anything! We’ll have a random drawing later. Now everyone-“

(the phone rings)

Rufus: “Ah ha! Go ahead and answer it! Give it a whirl!”

Lark: “No.”

Sephiroth: “Oh, I’ll get it.” *grabs it and speaks gruffly* “Thank you for calling the ramble room, sponsored by Rufus J. Shinra and his selection of quality products! For a Rufus brand catalog, please call 1-800-IluvRuf, or 1-800-458-8783. This is Sephiroth speaking, how are you on this crappy day?”

Rufus: “He did an okay job, except for the end. I should make him go halfway up the mountain.”

Sephiroth: “WHO is this? … Alucard? Oh, Mr. wants to be me. Right. I remember you. Hold on.” *holds out phone to lark* “It’s that Sephiroth wanna be Alucard.”

Lark: “I’m popular today!” *takes phone* “Hello? ……… What? …. Oh no!”

Sephiroth and Rufus: *look at each other* “This can’t be good.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

(later on in the ramble room, all the guys have gathered, and none of them look happy.)

Barret: “Yo! Ain’t none of us want these Gundam Wing jerks around!”

Lark: “Well, I’m sorry, Barret, but if you had no house, wouldn’t you like somewhere nice and warm to go?”

Barret: “Yo! I can hold my own on the streets, yo!”

Cid: “@#%@#^$#%@#$%^$#^&%^*$%@#$%!#@$^@#$&#@$&!”

Barret: “That be right, Cid! How come Red don’t haveta shack up with them punks!”

Lark: “Because he’s not a person.”

Barret: “You ain’t sure what he is! He could be a person! You don’t know that!”

Lark: “Did everyone put their name in the jar?”

Everyone: *sad sigh* “Yes.”

Sephiroth: “Tell me again what happened with Dracula’s castle.”

Lark: “Dracula thought it would be funny to scare Alucard, so he set up a bunch of TNT around the castle. When it went off, it destroyed the land the castle is on, so now they have to find somewhere else to build the castle. So they’re going to stay here while they do that.”

Sephiroth: “What’s wrong with Motel 6 again?”

Lark: “I’m picking the names now! The first person I pick will get to room with Wufei.” *picks name and reads it* “Twilight.”

Twilight: “What?!?! No way! The great Twilight rooms with no one!”

Lark: “Sorry, Twilight. But looks like it’s you and Woof-Woof for awhile.”

Twilight: “You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!”

Lark: “You don’t have a lawyer. That was just you wearing a fake mustache that one time.”

Twilight: “Dammit. I need a new disguise kit.”

Lark: “The next person will get to room with Trowa.” *picks name* “Seifer.”

Seifer: “Dammit! I hate those Gundam Wing jerks! Do I have to?”

Lark: “Yes. Next person gets both Treize and Zechs.” *picks name* “Reeve and Tseng!”

Tseng: *hand to his head* “Oh god. Someone up there hates me.”

Lark: “I thought you guys were friends?”

Reeve: “Actually, we find them annoying.”

Tseng: “Just because they’re gay doesn’t mean we like them.”

Lark: “Sorry, guys, but fair is fair. The next name I pick gets to room with Quatre.” *picks name* “Shadow.”

Shadow: “Intruders will be killed on site.”

Lark: “He’s not an intruder, he’s your roommate!”

Shadow: “Stalker, huh? I know how to deal with them.” *cracks knuckles*

Locke: “Um, I’ll make sure he doesn’t kill him.”

Lark: *sweat drop* “Good idea… The next person gets to room with Duo!” *picks name* “Squall.”

Squall: “Whatever.”

Lark: “That’s the spirit! …I guess. The next lucky winner gets to room with Heero!” *picks name* “Algus!”

Algus: “Ugh. I guess money can’t buy everything.”

Zidane: “Hey, Algus. Maybe you can use him as your new slave, and give me a rest.”

Algus: *thoughtfully* “Or maybe I could have two slaves…”

Zidane: “Dammit.”

Lark: “The next person gets to room with Alucard!” *picks name* “Sephy!”

Sephiroth: “Oh, crap! Lark, I can’t room with him! He wants to be me! He’ll probably borrow my clothes and smell my sheets when I’m not around!”

Lark: “Sephiroth! Ew! Alucard does not want to be like you! You made that up because he has the same color hair as you.”

Sephiroth: *pouts* “I know I’m right.”

Lark: “And the last person gets to room with Dracula!” *picks name* “Vincent.”

Sephiroth: *starts laughing hysterically* “Oh, that is TOO perfect!”

Vincent: *frowns*

Lark: “And that’s that. They’ll all be here later, so I guess you guys should go fix up your rooms and stuff.”

Algus: “Slave, go do that.”

Zidane: “Dammit. Stupid people with no homes.”

  ……………………………………………………………………………………………

(later on in the day, the gundam wing guys arrive first. Lark makes their roommates greet them at the door. In case you forgot, that would be twilight, seifer, reeve, tseng, shadow, squall and algus. And of course, algus has zidane with him. Lark’s there too.)

Lark: “Hi, guys! Long time no see!” *hugs all of them except wufei*

Wufei: “Wufei hates hugs!”

Lark: “That’s fine, ‘cause I hate Wufei.”

Quatre: “Thanks for taking us in, Lark! I’m sure everything will be beautiful!”

Duo: “Yeah, thanks for doing this, Lark. Although if it wasn’t for Wufei’s crappy aiming skills…”

Wufei: “Wufei is a great warrior! You’re just jealous!”

Lark: “Anyway, guys, meet your roommates! Wufei, you’ll be rooming with Twilight.”

Wufei: “I guess this will work. We were sort of friends, at one point.”

Twilight: *rolls eyes* “Yeah.”

Lark: “Trowa, you’re with Seifer.”

Seifer: *couldn’t be more disinterested* “Yeah… What’s up…”

Trowa: “Do you have a lot of pointy objects in your room?”

Lark: “Trowa, no! Zechs and Treize, you’re with Reeve and Tseng.”

Treize: “Ah! Our favorite companions!”

Zechs: *looking tseng over* “You’re looking well…”

Tseng: *shifts uncomfortably* “Uh… Thanks…”

Lark: “Quatre, you’re with Shadow.”

Quatre: “Aw! What a cute dog!”

Shadow: “No! He can smell your liver from a mile away!”

Interceptor: *licks quatre and wags his tail*

Quatre: “Aw! He’s so fluffy and beautiful!”

Shadow: *under his breath* “Plotting against me already, eh?”

Lark: “Duo, you’ll be staying with Squall.”

Squall: “Whatever.”

Duo: *shrugs* “It could be worse.”

Lark: “Heero, you’ll be rooming with Algus.”

Algus: “How do you feel about working for very little money?”

Heero: “Mission accepted.”

Algus: “I like him.”

(a bit later, there’s another knock on the door. Seph and vincent sadly follow lark to the door, while auron and rufus tag along…)

Lark: “Now, Sephiroth, I shouldn’t have to tell you this, but BE NICE to Alucard.”

Sephiroth: “Does shoving him in my closet and leaving him there for dead count as nice?”

Lark: *gives him a look* “What do you think?”

Sephiroth: “…Yes…?”

(she answers the door and finds dracula and alucard standing there wearing very heavy cloaks covering every part of their body. After all, it is daylight)

Lark: “Ooh, hurry up and get in!”

(they come in and she closes the door)

Sephiroth: “Uh, Lark, did I mention that I like a lot of sun in my room?”

Lark: “Sephiroth, you keep your room so dark that you didn’t even notice when that raccoon moved in!”

Sephiroth: “…He was very neat.”

(alucard and dracula both take off their robes. Dracula is as decaying as ever)

Dracula: *confused as usual* “Alucard, this isn’t Disney World!”

Alucard: “Dad, I told you we WEREN’T going to Disney World. And besides, you’re banned from there, remember? You tried to take over the Haunted Mansion.”

Dracula: “It was so peaceful there…”

Alucard: *sigh* “Thanks again for letting us stay here for awhile, Lark.”

Lark: “No problem! You’ll be rooming with Sephy here, and your dad can stay with Vincent.”

Sephiroth: “If you touch any of my stuff, I’m going to pick a random way to torture you from this book.”

(he hands alucard a notebook that has ‘sephiroth’s 101 fun tortures’ written on the cover)

Alucard: *blink blink* “You’re sick.”

Sephiroth: “Thanks!”

Rufus: “I just wanted to welcome you to my ramble room. My name is Rufus J. Shinra, and if you need anything, you can just ask one of my servants, the Turks. And if you want extra towels, it’s $10 a day.”

Lark: “Rufus, no it isn’t!”

Rufus: “What? I have to find some kind of way to make money off this!”

Lark: *sigh* “This is going to be harder than I thought.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, twilight is showing wufei his room. Twilight’s room is decorated very plainly. The walls are painted very dark blue, and there are posters of star wars all around the room with twilight’s head on luke’s body.)

Twilight: *with a labored sigh* “So, this is my room. And this is all my stuff.”

Wufei: “What stuff belongs to Wufei?”

Twilight: “That.”

(he points to a dingy cot in the corner of the room that has a single fly buzzing around it)

Wufei: *gasps* “That will not do at all!”

(twilight watches in horror as wufei takes all the pillows off of twilight’s bed and puts them on the cot)

Wufei: *as he places down each pillow* “Wufei, Wufei, Wufei, Wufei, Wufei.”

Twilight: “You better watch it, buddy!” *he grabs all his pillows and puts them back* “You’re in Twilight’s domain now!”

Wufei: “I don’t care for this at all! How dare you treat Wufei this way!”

Twilight: “I’ll treat you how I like, buddy! And if I were you, I’d watch my every step because my evil twin is coming to visit soon, and he eats twerps like you for breakfast!”

Wufei: “You have no twin!”

Twilight: “I sure do! His name is…Thgiliwt!”

Wufei: “That is an awful sounding name!”

Twilight: “You better not say that to Thgiliwt’s face! You might lose yours!”

(twilight laughs evilly and leaves the room.)

Wufei: “He has no twin. He lies like coward!” *looks nervous* “I wonder where he’ll sleep?”

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile, seifer is showing trowa around his room. His room looks like a disaster. There are clothes all over the floor. Other than the mess, his walls are plain white and it’s really boring looking. But he does have bunk beds.)

Seifer: “So, this is it. You can have the top bunk, I guess.”

Trowa: “Good, I can hit my head…”

Seifer: *gives him a weird look* “…Yeah. Uh, anyway, you can have the closets. I don’t use them. My girlfriend says I’m a slob, but everything’s so far away in the closet!”

Trowa: *gives him a weird look*

Seifer: “What? It’s across the whole room!”

Trowa: *under his breath* “And yet I’m strange…”

……………………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile, tseng and reeve show treize and zechs around their room, which is actually more like a little apartment because it’s two rooms that are connected.)

Tseng: “You two can have that room, that way you can have a bit of privacy.”

Treize: *grins* “And we like that, don’t we, Zechs?”

Zechs: “And yet we’re still adjoining, so feel free to come in and join us anytime!”

Tseng and Reeve: *sweat drops*

Treize: *snaps* “Zechs, we’ve discussed this!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, poor quatre gets subjected to shadow’s room. They’re walking there, and Interceptor follows behind quatre, wagging his tail happily. Locke comes along too, just for kicks.)

Quatre: “Let me formerly introduce myself! I’m Quatre. Quatre Raberba Winner. My Gundam’s name is Sandrock! I come from a very rich family and I have a whole bunch of sisters! How about you?”

Shadow: “…They’re after me.”

Quatre: “Huh?”

Locke: “Don’t mind him, he’s a paranoid freak. …So, you’re rich, huh?”

(shadow opens the door to his room, and it’s just as odd as you might imagine it to be. All the walls are painted black and there’s all kinds of weapons mounted on them. Shadow’s bed is a mat on the floor. In the other corner is a fluffy purple dog bed with all kinds of dog toys around it. There’s also a dog food and water bowl. Interceptor goes over to his bed and starts to play with one of the toys.)

Quatre: *looks weirded out* “Uh… Well… It’s certainly… Cozy? I guess…”

Shadow: “You can have that mat.” *points to a mat by interceptor’s bed* “Be careful. Sometimes he sleepwalks and bites people.”

Interceptor: *brings a toy over to quatre wagging his tail*

Quatre: “But he seems so friendly!”

Shadow: “He’s a killing machine.”

Interceptor: *drops the toy and licks quatre*

Quatre: “I… Don’t understand…”

Shadow: “And I sleep with my eyes open. Just to let you know.”

Quatre: *looks at locke*

Locke: *whispers* “He does. It’s really freaky.”

Quatre: *looks freaked out*

……………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, duo goes with squall to his room. It’s predictably neat, clean and boring.)

Squall: *points to extra bed* “You can sleep there.”

Duo: “Thanks.”

Squall: “Whatever.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

(onto to algus. He goes to his room, followed by zidane and heero. His room is huge and elegantly decorated with all sorts of expensive things. He has a huge bed big enough for about 5 people.)

Algus: “This is my room. Beautiful, is it not? And this is where you and Zidane sleep.”

(he goes over to one of the many closets and opens it up. Inside are a blanket and a pillow, both of which are pretty cheap looking)

Algus: “It’s pretty nice too, if I say so myself.”

Zidane: “Yeah, for a rabid dog.”

Algus: “You and Zidane will sleep here.”

Zidane: “Don’t worry, I don’t bite…much.” *grin*

Algus: “In exchange for shelter, you will do as I tell you. You can start by drawing me a bath.”

Heero: “Mission accepted.” *goes to bathroom*

Zidane: “Hey! That was my job!”

Algus: “Quiet, slave #2. You’ve been demoted. You can scrub the toilet.”

Zidane: “Slave #2? I was here way longer than him!”

Algus: “Yes, but he complains less. Therefore you’re demoted. Now go clean the toilet.”

Zidane: “But you have that thingy that cleans it for you automatically!”

Algus: “It deserves a day off.”

Zidane: “Grrrr…”

……………………………………………………………………………………………

(sephiroth and alucard enter seph’s room…)

Sephiroth: “And don’t touch any of my stuff! Not under any circumstances! Even if I leave my stuff all over the floor so you don’t even have any place to walk, you’re not allowed to move it! You’ll have to walk on it! Got it?”

Alucard: “But if I walk on it, wouldn’t that technically be touching it?”

Sephiroth: “…Shut up!”

Alucard: “Mind if I wash my hair?” *starts fishing through his bag*

Sephiroth: “I don’t want you using your disgusting products to wash your disgusting hair –“ *gasp* “What is that?”

Alucard: *holding up the bottle he has taken out of his bag* “It’s my shampoo: Shimmery Sliver Streaks.”

Sephiroth: “That’s 100 dollars a bottle!”

Alucard: “And worth every penny.”

(sephiroth just stares at him in shock…)

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile, in vincent’s room, dracula has finished setting up his coffin)

Dracula: “That’s enough dirt! So, what’s your name again?”

Vincent: “My name is Vincent.”

Dracula: “I have a friend who looks like you! His name is Death!”

Vincent: *hangs head* “That is the worst thing I have ever heard in my life.”

Dracula: “My son found all my body parts for me. He’s a great son! Do you have a son?”

Vincent: “No.”

Dracula: “I lost my monocle once, and my son found it! It was in my pocket! And I got lost in the castle once, and my son found me! I was in my room!”

Vincent: “You sure lose a lot of things.”

Dracula: “I suppose. What’s your name again?”

Vincent: *sigh*

……………………………………………………………………………………………

(later on, lark comes wandering into sephiroth’s room looking for him. The door is unlocked, so she just goes right in. she turns her head and stands staring in shock for a moment. The door to the bathroom is open, and alucard is sitting in the tub while sephiroth sits behind him, washing his hair. All three of them are frozen for a good long while.)

Sephiroth: “You saw nothing.”

Lark: “…Ok…” *she slowly backs up and leaves the room*

……………………………………………………………………………………………

(and even later on that evening, twilight and wufei are both preparing to go to bed. Wufei takes a stuffed bunny rabbit out of his bag)

Twilight: “What the hell is that?”

Wufei: “Nataku! And don’t you dare disrespect him!”

Twilight: “Fine! Just keep your girly bunnies in line or Thgiliwt will kick your ass when he gets here!”

(he snickers, turns off the light and climbs into bed. Wufei climbs into bed as well, clutching bunny nataku and staring up at the ceiling in fear.)

………………………………………………………………………………………..

(the next morning, reno and irvine are walking towards the ramble room together rather happily)

Reno: “How lucky are we that we didn’t get stuck with any of the Gundam Wing jerks?”

Irvine: “Totally lucky, man.”

Reno: “I think it calls for a celebration! How ‘bout some beer?”

Irvine: “Sounds good!”

(they go into the ramble room where they see duo standing by the fridge drinking some coffee)

Duo: “Good morning.”

Reno: “It is when you have beer!”

(he opens up the fridge and stares in shock a moment. There is no beer in there at all! Instead it is full with R.C. Cola.)

Reno: “My beer?! What happened to my beer!?!”

Duo: “That stuff? I shoved it in the cabinet. I needed room for my soda.”

Reno: “The cabinet?! You don’t put beer in a cabinet!”

Irvine: “Don’t you know anything?!”

Duo: “Geez! Sor~ry for not being an alcoholic!” *he leaves*

Reno: *seething* “Okay. That was strike one.”

(meanwhile, quatre is talking to wufei outside on the porch swing)

Quatre: “The guy I’m rooming with is really weird! He has weapons all over the walls and sleeps with his eyes open!”

Wufei: “Sounds like a dedicated warrior.”

Quatre: “Wufei! Come on! He sleeps with 3 swords under his pillow! Isn’t that scary?”

Wufei: “Wufei fears nothing.”

(just then twilight walks by, grinning)

Twilight: “Hey, Woofy. Thgiliwt will be here soon. And the porch swing is gay.” *he goes inside*

Quatre: *blink blink* “Who’s Thgiliwt?”

Wufei: *shudders*

…………………………………………………………………………………………

(in the meantime, sephiroth goes with alucard to vincent’s room to get dracula. seph knocks on the door)

Alucard: “…About last night…”

Sephiroth: “What about it? What happened, happened, and that’s that.”

Alucard: “…I really liked the way you washed my hair.”

Sephiroth: “Shush! This is not the time or place!”

(vincent answers the door looking pretty tired. Dracula stands next to him looking peppy.)

Sephiroth: “What bus ran you over?”

Vincent: “Dracula is very…nocturnal.”

Alucard: “Dad, why couldn’t you just lie in your coffin and be quiet?”

Dracula: “Alucard, where have you been? Did you get lost in the castle?”

Alucard: “We’re not in the castle, dad. Remember? You wrecked it with your stupid practical joke. Now come on. We have to find a new piece of land to put it on.”

Dracula: “You missed a great time! This gentleman here entertained me.” *to vincent* “What’s your name again?”

Vincent and Alucard: *sigh*

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, reno and irvine come across zidane, who is scrubbing the door to algus’ room…)

Irvine: “Hey, Zidane… What are you doing?”

Zidane: “What does it look like I’m doing? I’m cleaning Algus’ stupid door!”

Reno: *chuckles* “What is he paying you in this time? Snow Caps?”

Zidane: *scowls* “No. Heero got the Snow Caps. I get the Sugar Daddies. I hate Sugar Daddies! And he knows that! And Heero gets all the good jobs, while I get stuck with the really crappy and pointless junk!”

Irvine: “Isn’t everything you do crappy?”

Reno: “And isn’t all of it pretty pointless?”

Zidane: “Yes, but now it’s worse! I want that guy gone! I should be slave #1! I’ve been putting up with this torture for much longer than him!”

Irvine: “True.”

Reno: “That’s it, this is strike two. One more and I’m gonna find a way to get those guys out.”

Zidane: “You know they’re going to do something else to annoy you. Why don’t you just start thinking of something now?”

Reno: “I didn’t have my morning beer, so I’m not awake yet.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

(later on in the day, reno seems to have woken up enough to go to the video store and return with a tape in hand. Irvine is waiting for him outside.)

Reno: “I got, man! The new ‘Girls Gone Wild’!”

Irvine: “Awesome! I never get sick of watching that!”

Reno: “No man does. Come on, let’s go watch it!”

(they go into the tv room, and stop dead when they see trowa and quatre sitting there watching an orchestra play on tv)

Irvine: “What the hell?”

Quatre: *turns around* “Oh, hi! You’re just in time! The London Symphony Orchestra plays all of Beethoven and Mozart’s works just started! It’ll be 8 hours of beautiful music! It’s going to be beautiful! Just beautiful!”

Reno: “8 hours?! But we wanted to watch our video!”

Quatre: “You don’t want to watch the Orchestra?”

Irvine and Reno: “NO!”

Irvine: “Grrr…”

Reno: *grabs irvine’s arm* “C’mon.”

(he drags irvine out of the room)

Irvine: “Strike three?”

Reno: “You betcha. Nobody stands between Reno and the boobs of barely legal teenagers!”

Irvine: “What are you going to do?”

Reno: “I’m going to work. I was supposed to be there five hours ago. Besides, it’s good to do nothing for awhile so I can clear my head and think.”

Irvine: “You almost never go to work anymore.”

Reno: “I like to show up once a week to pretend I still care.”

Irvine: “Doesn’t Rufus ever say anything to you?”

Reno: “Whenever he comes around Rude just tells him I’m in the bathroom.”

Irvine: “And he doesn’t get suspicious?”

Reno: “He probably just thinks I jerk off a lot or something. Anyway, I’ll catch you later.”

………………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile at tseng’s office in the shinra headquarters, tseng, elena and rude are sitting around. Rude is not wearing any shoes.)

Elena: “Rude, why are you barefoot?”

Rude: “…Somebody recycled the newspapers.”

Elena: “Who would do that to you?”

Rude: “Quatre? Said we had to help the planet.”

Tseng: *sigh* “Rude…” *hands him money* “Buy some shoes.”

Rude: *takes it and stares at tseng thankfully* “…Bless you.”

(then reno comes in)

Reno: “Hey, what’s up?”

Elena: “What’s up?! You haven’t been to work in a week! Rude keeps telling Rufus you’re in the bathroom!”

Reno: “Good man, Rude. Hey – what happened to your newspapers?”

Rude: “Gundam Wing jerk recycled them.”

Reno: “That’s it! I’ve had it with them! We don’t recycle shoes where I come from! Who wants those jerks gone?”

(tseng, rude and reno himself immediately raise their hands, and when elena sees tseng’s hand goes up she puts hers up as well)

Elena: “Me too! Me too!”

Tseng: “This morning I woke up to Treize and Zechs singing ‘I Love You Babe’ in the shower. If that happens again you guys are going to have to help me hide the bodies.”

Rude: “Anything for you, boss.”

Reno: “Don’t worry, Tseng. You won’t have to hide the bodies ‘cause I thought of a plan to get them out!”

Elena: “And what crazy scheme is this, Reno? Get them drunk and drive them out to the middle of nowhere?”

Reno: “That was my first idea, but then I decided that was a waste of alcohol. I came up with something much better: we encourage Rufus to build a hotel, and let all the Gundam Wing jerks stay there for free!”

Tseng: “Reno, I really don’t think that Rufus is going to build a hotel just to get the Gundam Wing guys out of our hair.”

Reno: “But he can make money off it later! Think of it: he builds this huge luxury resort for rich snobs like him, and he can charge a million dollars a room, or something. It goes perfectly with his mall and his company and his products and all the rest of the crap he sells.”

Tseng: “I don’t know…”

Reno: “C’mon! What does Rufus love more than money?”

Rufus: *entering* “Did I hear someone mention money?” *sees reno* “Oh wow. You’re not in the bathroom for once.”

Reno: “Yeah, well, I had to give my hand a rest.”

Rufus: “What?”

Reno: “Never mind.” *puts an arm around rufus* “Have I got an idea for you.”

Rufus: “I’m not building you a bar.”

Reno: “This isn’t about that. It’s better. Picture this: a bunch of rich people at a luxury resort…spending money in the shops, restaurant and spa, losing horribly at the casino, and paying up the ass just for a normal room.”

Rufus: “I’m listening…”

Reno: “You could build a hotel! And not just any hotel, a RUFUS hotel. Full of Rufus brand crap…I mean stuff. You could finally get that palace on the moon!”

Rufus: *dreamily* “Just what I’ve always wanted!” *then suddenly suspicious* “Wait… Why are you thinking of money making ideas? Do you want a raise?”

Reno: “No.”

Rufus: *looks suspiciously at rude* “Does *Rude* want a raise?”

Rude: “I don’t dare to dream.”

Reno: “No, I’m not that deluded! I want you to work your building magic and get the basics of the place down really fast so that the Gundam Wing guys could stay there and keep out of our ramble room!”

Rufus: “And how much would they pay me?”

Reno: “…Nothing.”

Rufus: “No way! I like the idea, Reno, and I will build my luxury resort, but I’m not going to use my semi-legal building magic so that bums can stay there for free!”

Reno: “C’mon, Rufus! You don’t like them either!”

Rufus: “None of them have bothered me yet. And besides, Algus has been quite impressed with Heero’s loyal service.”

Reno: “But Rufus!”

Rufus: “Sorry, Reno. But thanks for the idea! I’m going to get started right now! ‘Rufus’ Relaxation Resort, Spa and Casino’. Sounds great, doesn’t it? Where’s Reeve? I want plans by tomorrow. REEVE!” *he leaves*

Tseng: “I told you it wouldn’t work. Now he’s going to make millions off your idea, and you’re not going to get any credit.”

Reno: “I don’t want credit, I just want to watch my soft-core porn!” *annoyed sigh* “Well I’m not giving up yet! I’m going to make Rufus change his mind!”

Elena: “Is this plan going to involve alcohol?”

Reno: “No, but it will involve cooperation…”

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

(back in sephiroth’s room, alucard and sephiroth are both trying to read in very awkward silence. Seph is reading ‘cooking with swords for dummies’ and alucard is reading ‘when your parent becomes a burden’. Suddenly alucard puts his book down)

Alucard: “Fine, if you won’t say it, I will. I want to do it again.”

Sephiroth: *puts down book* “Alucard, please. It was a one time thing!”

Alucard: “It was the best hair washing of my life!”

Sephiroth: “Of course it was! I’m very skilled.”

Alucard: “You liked it too, didn’t you.”

Sephiroth: “I—“

Alucard: “Didn’t you?!”

Sephiroth: “………Of course I did! You have beautiful hair!”

Alucard: “Then let’s do it again!”

Sephiroth: “No, we can’t! We can never do it again! What if someone finds out??”

Alucard: “Who cares what other people think? The fact is you love washing my hair, and I love it too.”

(they stare at one another for a minute, before the door opens and dracula wanders in followed by vincent)

Dracula: “I don’t remember this room being in the castle. Alucard, is this your new room?”

Alucard: *sigh* “Dad, what are you doing here?”

Dracula: “I found the perfect spot to build our new castle!”

Alucard: “Dad, I told you not to wander around by yourself at night! What if you got lost?”

Dracula: “Don’t worry. This fine gentleman accompanied me.” *to vincent* “What’s your name again?”

Vincent: *sigh* “Vincent. My name is Vincent. V-I-N-C-E-N-T. Vincent.”

Alucard: “So where is this place, dad?”

Dracula: “Well the lot next store is for sale! So I bought it!”

Alucard: “You bought it without consulting me?”

Sephiroth: “You’re moving in next door?”

Dracula: “Death has already started packing my things.” *frowns* “I hope he doesn’t forget my toothbrush.”

Alucard: “Well, it will certainly be interesting living next door…”

Sephiroth: “Yes… Interesting indeed…”

Dracula: *looks at vincent* “You remind me of my friend Death. What’s your name?”

Vincent: *yells* “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IT’S VINCENT! MY NAME IS VINCENT!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, reno has gotten tseng, reeve, zidane and twilight together. Irvine is also with them.)

Reno: “So does everyone understand the plan?”

Everyone: “Yup.”

Twilight: *putting on a blonde wig and a fake scar* “This is gonna be awesome. I always knew Thgiliwt would come in handy.”

Reno: “We’ll meet in the ramble room in half an hour. Let’s go.”

(they all split up. First, irvine goes to seek out wufei, who he finds doing push ups in the ramble room…)

Irvine: “Hey, Woof – Twilight’s looking for you. He says you better come meet his brother at the porch swing or he’ll beat you.”

Wufei: *gulp* “…Very well! Wufei will be there!” *he runs out*

Irvine: *grins* “All right…”

(meanwhile, zidane finds heero drawing algus another bath. Algus is nowhere around.)

Zidane: “Hey, Heero. Algus told me he wants me to finish that. He wants you to go outside and take a bit of a break on the porch swing since you’ve been working so hard.”

Heero: “Mission accepted.” *he leaves*

Zidane: “This is too easy…”

(next, tseng goes into his room where treize and zechs are watching ‘sex and the city’ on tv)

Treize: “Hey, Tseng! Want to watch with us?”

Zechs: “You can sit on my lap.”

Treize: “Zechs!!!”

Zechs: “…Oops.”

Tseng: “Actually, I thought you guys might want to go outside and sit on the porch swing. It’s a gorgeous night out. Very romantic.”

Treize: “Romantic? Ah, romance is art. Romancing your lover takes much planning and thought, much like the planning and thought that goes into war, which is also an art. And romance and war are very similar, in that they both—“

Zechs: “Treize, let’s just go.”

(they leave)

Tseng: *grins* “This might actually work.”

(reno goes into the tv room where trowa, duo and quatre still have the orchestra thing on. It’s intermission.)

Reno: “Hey, guys. How’s the boring music crap?”

Quatre: “Beautiful! Just beautiful!”

Reno: “Know what else is beautiful? The night sky. Why don’t you go out to the porch swing and take a look?”

Quatre: “What a great idea! Let’s go, guys!”

(the three of them leave)

Reno: “I am so smart.”

(meanwhile, reeve calls rufus)

Rufus: “Hello?”

Reeve: “Rufus, it’s me. I have the plans for the hotel. Meet me in the ramble room and I’ll show you them.”

Rufus: “I’m on my way!” *he hangs up*

Reeve: “I hope everybody else did their part…”

(and so wufei is the first outside. And who does he find there but twilight, wearing the wig and the fake scar. He sees wufei and disguises his voice so it’s really deep)

Twilight: “You! You must be Wufei! Twilight told me all about you!”

Wufei: *terrified* “Uh… Uh…”

Twilight: “I want to park my motorcycle here but this stupid swing is here! Go put it in the ramble room!”

Wufei: “But I can’t—“

Twilight: “Do it or I’ll crush you, wimp!” *he goes inside*

Wufei: *panicking* “Wufei can’t lift this on his own!”

(then all at once the rest of the gundam wing guys come outside. Wufei immediately run over to them.)

Wufei: “You weaklings must help me! I must move this swing into the ramble room!”

Duo: “Why?”

Wufei: “It is a matter of live and death!”

Duo: “Moving the swing is a matter of life and death?”

Wufei: “Yes! We must hurry!”

Heero: “Mission accepted.”

(since heero agreed, the rest of the guys shrug and together they all pick up the extremely heavy porch swing and carry it into the ramble room where reeve is with rufus, looking over the plans. When rufus sees them with the porch swing, he gasps in horror)

Rufus: “What are you doing with my porch swing?!?!”

Wufei: “It is a life or death matter!”

Rufus: “Life or death? I’ll tell you what’s life or death—messing with Rufus J. Shinra, that’s what! I don’t put up with pranks involving my porch swing!”

Wufei: “But—“

Rufus: “No buts! You’re out! All of you! Out of my ramble room!”

Reeve: “Rufus, if you build the hotel quickly, they can all stay there until their homes are ready.”

Rufus: “Good idea, Reeve. Go call my building contacts!”

(reeve hurries out, and rufus gives all the gundam wing guys a nasty look as he leaves)

Rufus: “Messing with the porch swing. Shame on you.”

(meanwhile around the corner, tseng, zidane, irvine, reno and twilight laugh and high five)

Irvine: “It worked!”

Zidane: “What is his obsession with that porch swing?”

Reno: “Who knows. The only thing that matters is that they’re leaving!!”

(two days later, the ramble room is pretty much back to normal. Dracula and alucard have moved in next door, and the gundam wing guys are staying at rufus’ new hotel, which was put up in record time. Lark, sephiroth, vincent, rufus and reno are watching as alucard helps death move things into the new castle.)

Lark: “Well, Rufus, it sure was nice of you to put all the Gundam Wing guys up in your hotel for free.”

Rufus: “Yup. I’m a nice guy.”

Reno: “It’s gonna be weird having vampires next door.”

Sephiroth: “It’s weird enough living with half the weirdoes we put up with.”

Lark: “Maybe it’s just me, but I have a feeling things are going to be a bit different around here…”

(back to the land that dracula’s castle moved from, the older belmonts are all asleep in their chairs while franswa cleans with a feather duster and hums happily to himself. Suddenly trevor wakes up with a snort and points a finger up at the sky)

Trevor: “I’ve had a vision!!!”

Franswa: “Oh no, not again.”

(the other belmonts start to wake up)

Trevor: *declares* “I know where Dracula is!!!”

(all the other belmonts gasp and then start to talk excitedly. Franswa sighs)

Franswa: “I’ll call the moving company.”

THE END