#126 – Silver Hair Concerto

Lark: “Aw, I’m sorry, Alucard. What turned your dad from the prince of darkness to the prince of ‘why is it dark out’?”

Originally Published: 7/17/04 . 40 pages

Synopsis
Lark has been kidnapped by vampires, and it’s up to the ramble guys to save her!

Ramble Milestones
-Dracula, Alucard and Death show up.
-The Belmont’s first appearance.

This is the ramble that got me interested in writing the rambles again. And you have 2 vampires and the men who hunt them to thank for that. Castlevania: Symphony of the Night is one of my favorite games of all time, and I was replaying it at the time, thinking it would be funny if the ramble gang had to go into Dracula’s castle. The idea of Dracula being totally out of it came up (and looking back on it now, Dracula’s pretty darn with it compared to how he is later.), and of course I had to put the Belmonts in there too. I used the most famous ones, and then created Franswa, the Belmont who wants nothing to do with it. I know his name isn’t spelled the way it typically is – I did that on purpose, because I don’t like the way it’s spelled normally. These were supposed to be one shot characters, but I fell in love with them and knew immediately they were going to come back.

(Brady is sitting in the ramble room with seifer, zell, rufus, algus, zidane, tseng, reeve, reno, irvine, vincent and auron, and theyre all watching the yankee game. Sephiroth comes in carrying a hairbrush and looking annoyed.)

Sephiroth: “Has anyone seen Lark?” *frowns* “She promised she’d help me brush my hair…”

Vincent: “I’ll help you, angel.”

Sephiroth: “No, Vincent. You hurt.”

Brady: “I think she said she was going to the bathroom.”

Zell: “Yeah, like five innings ago.”

Seifer: “Maybe the toilet ate her or something.”

Zell: “Toilets don’t eat people.”

Seifer: “You never know, they might start.”

Sephiroth: *sigh* “Fine, I’ll go look for her.”

(he leaves. Everyone else silently watches the TV. About two seconds later, sephiroth comes running back into the room looking panicked)

Sephiroth: “Lark’s been kidnapped!”

Brady: *still watching the tv* “What makes you think that?”

Sephiroth: *dramatically* “Oh… I don’t know… Perhaps this note that I found that SAYS SHE WAS KIDNAPPED!!!!”

Brady: *still watching game puts hand out* “Give me the note.”

(sephiroth hands him the note and everyone crowds around to read it. The note reads: Bwahaa haa! I have stolen your girl! Just try and find me, Belmont! Your old pal, Dracula.)

Everyone: “Dracula?”

Zell: “Who the hell is Belmont?”

Rufus: “Reno, isn’t that your alias?”

Reno: “No. That’s Celmont. Duh. Everyone knows that.”

Seifer: “Dracula kidnapped Lark? Then she must be dead! Who’s gonna order Sephiroth around now?”

Sephiroth: “Hey! Lark is not necessarily dead. We just have to find out where Dracula hangs out, and go to find him.” *looks at vincent* “Isn’t he related to you in some way?”

Vincent: *dryly* “Ha ha. I am laughing so hard on the inside.”

Irvine: “Anyone have an idea where we can find this Dracula dude?”

Brady: “Easy. Castlevania. The Belmont clan are legendary vampire hunters.”

Reeve: “Good thing I’ve been growing that garlic garden!” *to tseng* “And you said it took up too much of the garden.”

Tseng: *sigh* “I just like watermelons better.”

Auron: “Hmmm… If I recall, Dracula is also adverse to crosses.”

Brady: “And you can’t forget holy water!”

Rufus: *rolls eyes* “Yeah, let’s go rob a church why don’t we?”

Reno: “Hmmmm….” *pause* “Nah. That’s too bad. Even for me.”

Irvine: “Although they do have wine there…”

Brady: “We better get our stuff together and get out of here.”

Zell: “…But what about the game?”

Brady: “I’ve got my phone on me. I’ll get the score later.”

Sephiroth: *mutters to vincent* “Nice to see where his priorities lie.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………

(fast forward to laterthe gang that was gathered in the ramble room above is now traveling through the dark countryside through a dark, dark forest. They see a sign that says welcome to translyvania: home of the legendary belmonts at the entrance to a small, dark town. In the distance looms a large castle. Brady is wearing a long brown trench coat, a baseball cap turned backwards, and a katana blade strapped to his back. Reeve is wearing a vest made out of garlic, and tseng is wearing one too, rather unhappily)

Algus: “There are those Belmont’s again. I bet that mansion over there belongs to them.”

Zidane: “How the hell do you know that?”

Algus: “Because legends can tell how other legends live.”

Zidane: *rolls eyes* “Oh, please.”

Brady: “Let’s go pay them a visit. I bet they can help us.”

Sephiroth: “Screw them. Who needs them? And who the hell are you supposed to be, anyway? This isn’t the Matrix.”

Brady: “First of all: don’t ask. It’s none of your business. But if you must know something, I am a vampire hunter.”

Zell: *gasp* “Are you Belmont?”

Brady: “No, but close enough.”

Sephiroth: “….Yeah. Anyway, let’s just go to the castle before I kill Reeve and Tseng for wearing these awful vests!”

Reeve: “Hey! These are for protection! Right, Tseng?”

Tseng: *sigh* “Yes, Reeve.”

Sephiroth: “So, come on. What are we waiting for? Vincent can show us around!”

Vincent: *glares at seph*

Auron: “I believe Vincent is growing tired of the vampire jokes.”

Sephiroth: “And I grew tired of you months ago, buddy, but you don’t hear me complaining about it!”

Auron: “I doubt that reminding you that you complain constantly will make any difference.”

Sephiroth: “Besides, Vincent can speak for himself, right, Vincent?”

Vincent: “Well—“

Sephiroth: “See?” *sticks tongue out at auron*

Rufus: “I agree with Brady, Sephiroth. If these guys are such legendary vampire hunters, they probably have some kind of pointers.”

Irvine: “Or big ass weapons!”

Reno: “And heroes always get the hottest chicks!”

Rufus: *hand to his head* “I should have stayed home and watched the water polo championship.”

Sephiroth: *pouting* “Fine. Let’s go waste time asking the stupid idiots for their stupid advice.”

(and so the team heads for the mansion)

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, in draculas castle, lark is just waking up and her eyes adjust to the darkness)

Lark: *blinking awake* “What the… Where am I? Did Rufus refuse to pay the electric bill again?”

(as her eyes adjust, she notices a tall silver haired figure)

Lark: “…Sephiroth? …Your hair looks extra shiny today.”

???????: “No, ma’am. My name is Alucard.”

Lark: “…Alucard? As in…Dracula’s son Alucard? As in Castlevania: Symphony of the Night Alucard?”

Alucard: “The very same.”

Lark: *swooning* “You’re even cuter in person!”

Alucard: “Excuse me?”

Voice from the darkness: “Son? Is that you?”

Alucard: *sigh* “Yes, dad.”

(lark then sees another figure, a disgusting old man who looks like hes about to rot away and is missing several body parts. He smiles at her and she grimaces)

Lark: “Ack? Who the hell is that?”

Alucard: “It’s my dad, Dracula.”

Lark: *jaw drops* “THAT’S Dracula?! I thought he was supposed to be hot! He doesn’t look immortal at all!”

Alucard: *softly* “The last few years have not been kind to him.” *makes the universal sign for crazy*

Dracula: “Son, look! I have captured the Belmont girl! Now they will come and fight me! Bwa haa haa!”

Alucard: “Dad, this girl has nothing to do with the Belmont’s.”

Dracula: “…Huh?”

Alucard: “You got the wrong person.”

Dracula: “Then I put the wrong postage on the note? Let me check my records…”

(he takes out a monocle and puts it over his eye, however, the eye he puts it over happens to be missing)

Dracula: “Dammit! I can’t see a thing out of this damn monocle! That’s the last time I go to Lenscrafters!”

Alucard: *sigh* “No, dad. Your eye is missing again.”

Dracula: “Dammit! No wonder I can only see the left side of everything! I thought you had half your face torn off!”

Alucard: “………”

Lark: “Heh heh… Well, it’s been nice meeting you, but since you’ve got the wrong girl, can I go now?”

Dracula: “Hmmm… Well… Do you know anyone who might come to your rescue?”

Lark: *laughing* “Do I know anyone? Try 20! Ha ha—“ *stops* “Er… I mean no. No one would ever come to my rescue.”

Dracula: *claps hands together* “Wonderful! You must stay then!” *studies hands* “Alucard…? Is one of my nails missing?”

Alucard: *sigh* “Yes, dad.”

Dracula: “And my favorite ring is gone!”

Alucard: “You scattered your body parts around the castle again, didn’t you.”

Dracula: “Well, one of my brides wanted to play hide and seek. I think I might have left my heart in the refrigerator again…”

Alucard: “And one of your ribs?”

Dracula: *laughs* “Guess this old body is just falling apart again!”

Alucard: *quietly to lark* “See what I have to put up with?”

Lark: “Heh heh…” *sweat drops* “Yeah…” *mutters to herself* “I hope those idiots get their act together and get me outta here soon!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, back to the idiots, they are knocking on the door to the belmont mansion. Algus leads the bunch)

Zidane: “Algus, who put you in charge of talking to them?”

Algus: “I did, of course. I know how to best communicate with my own kind.”

Zidane: “You know, it’s not fair to assume that other people are pompous jerks.”

Algus: “Excuse me?”

Zidane: “…I said it’s not fair to assume that other people are…uh…um…” *sigh* “It’s not worth covering up.”

(the door then opens, and we see a young man standing there, looking a bit timid.)

Man: “…Can I help you?”

Algus: “Yes, my good man! My name is Algus, and this is my angry mob! Do you go by the name of Belmont?”

Man: “…Who wants to know?”

Algus: “Well, me and my angry mob, of course.”

Man: *trembling in fear* “Uh… Belmont? No… I don’t know any Belmont…”

(suddenly we hear an old mans voice from inside the house)

Voice: “Hey, Franswa! Come back here so I can finish telling you about the time I killed Dracula!”

Franswa: *annoyed sigh* “Every FREAKIN’ time someone comes to the door…”

Algus: “Ah. I see we have found the right house. We’ll just let ourselves in.”

(they file in, right past franswa. Zell brings up the rear, and he smiles at franswa)

Zell: “Hey, man! Got any hot chocolate?”

Franswa: *mumbles* “Yes, I’ll put some on…”

(everyone files into a huge room which has a huge fireplace in it. In that room are four other men, one older than the last. One is old enough to be franswas father, another one his grandfather, the other his great grandfather, and the last one has one foot in the grave. The ramble group settle around and listen to them.)

Oldest man: “So, you’ve come to see the legendary Belmont’s, eh? Come to hear how I, Trevor Belmont, defeated Dracula?”

2nd oldest man: “No, father! They’ve come to hear how *I*, the great Simon Belmont, defeated Dracula!”

3rd oldest man: “You’re all wrong! They’ve come to hear the tale of how I, the fabulous Juste Belmont not only defeated Dracula, but redecorated a room in his castle as well!”

4th oldest man: “No, no, no. They’ve come to hear my story, of how *I*, Richter ‘the colonel’ Belmont defeated Dracula!”

Franswa: *coming in with hot chocolate* “Shut up, all of you! I’m so sick of all your stupid stories!!” *hands zell hot chocolate* “Here you are.”

Zell: *takes a sip* “Mmmm! This is great!”

Franswa: *smiling proudly* “It’s my special blend.”

Reno: “Wait a sec… Hold up a minute here… *All* you guys defeated Dracula?”

Four Belmonts: *nod enthusiastically*

Reno: “…But…if you really *defeated* him…shouldn’t he *never* come back?”

Four Belmonts: “Er…”

Richter: “Well, you see, you can never defeat Dracula for *good*…”

Sephiroth: “Then what the hell’s the point?”

Simon: “Well, you can at least rid the village of him for a little while.”

Rufus: “A little while? What’s ‘a little while’?”

Four Belmonts: *exchange looks*

Juste: “Well, the castle is supposed to rise every 100 years, but…it doesn’t quite work out that way.”

Tseng: “When was the last time you fought him then?”

Richter: “I defeated Dracula exactly five years ago!”

Seifer: “But you’re like fifty!”

Richter: “Well, my son *was* supposed to go, but he refused.”

Franswa: *finishes handing out the hot chocolate* “You can’t make me do anything I don’t want to!”

Reeve: “You defeated him five years ago? …But you know the castle is back, right?”

Belmonts: *moan in frustration* “Not again!”

Trevor: “Every 100 years my wrinkly, old butt!”

Richter: “Franswa, it is time for you to take up the famous Belmont whip.”

Franswa: “No! That old thing is falling apart anyway.”

Simon: “Hey! You watch your tongue, whippersnapper!”

Juste: “Franswa, your father can’t keep covering for you! It’s time you took up the Belmont family tradition.”

Franswa: “No! I won’t! You can’t make me be like you! I don’t wanna fight vampires! I hate you all!” *he storms out*

Trevor: “What did you *do* to that boy, Richter?”

Richter: “It’s not my fault his mother breast-fed him until he was six.”

Brady: “Uh, I hate to interrupt, but we were planning to go up there and take on Dracula.”

Belmonts: *blink* “What?”

Juste: “You?! You’ll never make it! You don’t have Belmont in your name!”

Sephiroth: “Oh please. If you old geezers could do it, we could.”

Trevor: “It’s not quite as easy as it may seem, young man. Your overconfidence is your weakness.”

Reeve: *muffled laugh*

Tseng: *softly* “What’s so funny?”

Reeve: “Emperor Palpatine said that to Luke in Star Wars.”

Tseng: *rolls eyes*

Auron: “Do you perhaps have a map of the castle that may be of some use to us? It is always helpful to have a trusty map at your side.”

Belmonts: “Try the stack.”

(they all point to a huge stack of yellowing papers. Zell goes over to it)

Zell: “Hey! These are all maps! What gives?”

Simon: “The castle keeps changing.”

Juste: “We make a new map every time, but the next time we go back, it’s always different.”

Richter: “We’re hoping one day he’ll run out of combinations.”

Rufus: “Well, looks like we’ll have to go without a map.”

Trevor: “Tell me, my young friends, what brings you to Dracula’s castle?”

Brady: “He kidnapped my girlfriend! We have to save her!”

Sephiroth: “He didn’t even notice she was missing until *I* went looking for her!”

Juste: “Well, if you’re going up to the castle, be sure to keep your wits about you.” *smile* “And look for the room I decorated.”

Tseng: “You decorated a room in Dracula’s castle?”

Juste: “Well, he had all this furniture lying around. I had to do *something* with it. And it does look pretty good, if I do say so myself.”

Sephiroth: “Okay, that’s gay. Can we go now? Dracula could be killing Lark as we speak.”

Belmonts: *laugh*

Sephiroth: “What the hell’s so funny?”

Simon: “He’s not going to kill her. He gets bored, so he captures people and waits for their loved ones to come and fight him.”

Reeve: “So basically this is just a game to him.”

Richter: “Pretty much.”

Sephiroth: “Great. Just great.”

Trevor: “Well, since you’re going up there and Franswa refuses to leave the house—“

Franswa’s voice: “I won’t be like you! You can’t make me!”

Trevor: “…You can have the legendary Belmont whip.”

Algus: “I’ll take it!”

Zidane: “No, I want it!”

Irvine: “No, I do!”

Zell: “Give it to me!”

Seifer: “No! I’m the only who really deserves it! I was the sorceress’ knight!”

Trevor: “Knight, huh? Very well, then. The whip is yours.” *gives seifer the whip*

Seifer: “Awesome!!! I win!!!”

Sephiroth: “Okay, can we go now?”

Simon: “If you survive, be sure to come back and visit!”

Zidane: “Thanks for the boost of confidence.”

Richter: “Hmmm… Maybe they should take Franswa with them.”

Franswa’s voice: “I hate Dracula and I hate you!”

Trevor: “Maybe we told him of our adventures too much… …Nah, they never get old.”

Simon: “Hey, we haven’t told these young gentlemen our tales of triumph!”

Other Belmonts: “Yes…”

Brady: “Uh, sorry guys. Love to stay and hear all about it, but we really have to get going.”

(they all start to hurry out)

Richter: “Be sure to check out the Belmont wall of accomplishments on the way out!”

(on the way out the guys pass through a looooooooong hallway full of pictures of the Belmont clan posing with various dracula body parts and smiling. Seph stops and notices a picture of juste belmont in his heyday with long silver hair.)

Sephiroth: *frowns* “Copycat.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, in draculas castle, dracula has left the room, leaving lark with alucard)

Alucard: “…And that’s basically my life story.”

Lark: *looks terrified* “…Uh-huh…”

(suddenly a little bat comes flying over to alucard and lands on his shoulder)

Lark: *jumps back* “Ack! There’s a bat on you!”

Alucard: “Oh, it’s okay. It’s just my pet bat, Buttons.”

Lark: “Oh… So it’s friendly, then?”

Alucard: *casually* “No, it’s trained to kill.”

Lark: *gulp*

(dracula comes wandering back in, looking confused)

Dracula: “Alucard? Alucard?”

Alucard: *sighs* “Yes, dad?”

Dracula: *sigh of relief* “Oh, there you are, Alucard! I got so horribly lost! Everything’s different in the castle. I couldn’t find my billiards room!”

Alucard: “You changed the castle around again, dad, remember? And you don’t *have* a billiards room.”

Dracula: “I don’t?”

Alucard: “No.”

Dracula: “Dammit. How did I ever play pool then?”

Alucard: “You’ve never played pool.”

Dracula: “No?”

Alucard: “No.”

Dracula: “Damn.” *pauses and studies alucard* “Are you missing half your face? It was those damn Belmont’s, wasn’t it! Well don’t you worry, Alucard, daddy’ll take care of them for you!”

Alucard: “Dad—“

Dracula: *notices lark* “And who is this? A new girlfriend? She’s quite a looker, this one.” *whispers to alucard* “You might not wanna tell her about the vampire thing. And does she know you’re missing half your face?”

Alucard: *sigh* “Dad, this isn’t my girlfriend. You kidnapped her, remember?”

Dracula: “I did?”

Alucard: “Yes.”

Dracula: “It seems I do a lot I don’t remember.”

Alucard: *sigh*

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile, we see nida standing outside sunshines room, holding flowers and taking a deep breath)

Nida’s scary thoughts: Okay, you big strong man, you! This is it! You’re going to go in there and you’re going to ask that girl out! And she will say yes, because you’re the awesomest dude ever! *grin*

(he knocks on the door and sunshine answers. She looks surprised to see him.)

Sunshine: “Oh, hi, Nida. What’s up?”

Nida: *holds out flowers* “These are for you.”

Sunshine: *takes them* “These are beautiful! But why are you giving me flowers?”

Nida: *looks nervous* “’Cause, uh, I was wondering if you’d go out with me.”

Sunshine: *smiles* “I’d love to.”

Nida: *brightens* “Really? Uh, I mean, of course! I’ll pick you up at six!”

Sunshine: “Okay, I’ll be waiting.”

Nida: “I’m gonna treat you so good! See ya later!”

(he goes skipping off)

Sunshine: “…I have a feeling he doesn’t date much.”

 ………………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, the group comes to the gate of the castle. They all have some kind of weapon: seph, Brady, auron, zidane, and algus have swords. Vincent, rufus, irvine and tseng have guns. Zell has his fists. Seifer has the whip. Reno has his shock rod, and reeve, well)

Rufus: “Reeve, where’s your weapon?”

Reeve: “I have a weapon – the greatest weapon you can have!”

Zell: “Ooh! Ooh! A lightsaber?”

Reeve: “No.” *proudly* “My brain.”

Rufus: *blink blink* “You know you’re gonna die, right?”

Tseng: “Shut up, Rufus. I’ll watch his back.”

Sephiroth: “Okay, jerks, listen up! Everyone stick together! There’s no splitting up. We have no map and nobody better get lost because I’m not going back for anyone.”

Zidane: “I’m sure the next Belmont will find you though.” *snickers*

(the group goes into the entrance and in the hallway is a whole bunch of zombies who keep regenerating)

Brady: “Finally! I get to live my dream!”

Sephiroth: *looks at him funny* “Huh?”

Brady: “…Nothing…”

Zell: “Awesome! Zombies!” *he kicks one and it dies and drops something* “Huh?” *picks up object* “Awesome! These things drop hot dogs!” *eats it*

Seifer: “Ew, Zell! You ate something a dead thing dropped!”

Zell: “So? It tastes great! I think I’ll stay here and get some more!” *starts killing more zombies*

(the group moves into the next room)

Seifer: “Sephiroth, we left Zell behind.”

Sephiroth: “Eh.”

Auron: “What happened to leaving no one behind?”

Sephiroth: “Eh.”

Auron: “But—“

Rufus: “I’m with Sephiroth. Journey on!”

(they keep going)

……………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, back to where lark is being held, dracula is walking around confused)

Dracula: *calling* “Death? Death? Where are you?” *sigh* “Alucard, have you seen Death?”

Alucard: “No.”

Dracula: “He didn’t show up to the poker game last night and I haven’t seen him since.”

Alucard: “Did you invite him to the poker game?”

Dracula: *thoughtfully* “I don’t remember…”

Alucard: *sigh*

Dracula: “Perhaps he got lost in the castle as well. Maybe I should look for him. Alucard, did you make a map of this new castle?”

Alucard: “Yes, dad.”

Dracula: “Where is it?”

Alucard: “Over there.” *points to huge pile of papers that looks like the one the belmonts had*

Dracula: “Never mind. I’ll just stay here for now. Maybe I’ll do a little reading…” *puts monocle to missing eye* “What happened to my eye?!?!?!”

Alucard: *tired sigh*

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, back to the group)

Seifer: *whines* “Where are we?”

Sephiroth: “Reeve, how’s that map coming?”

Reeve: *frantically trying to draw a map* “All these secret passages are messing me up.”

Tseng: “Seifer, maybe you can use that whip to break some walls.”

Seifer: “Sure! I’ve been dying to give this baby a whirl!” *he goes to use it but it snaps back and he hurts himself* “Ow!”

Algus: “Fool! Let me use it!”

Seifer: “No! The Belmonts gave it to me!” *sucks on hurt finger* “Ow…”

Sephiroth: “Reeve, where are we?”

Reeve: “According to my map… I think if we go back, down, left, right, right, left, down, right, we’ll be in a new area.”

Everyone: *groan*

Irvine: “This sucks! Where are Dracula’s brides?”

Reno: “Yeah! I bet they’re hot!”

Rufus: “Would you idiots shut up? You wanna rescue Lark, or do you wanna have sex with supernatural beings?”

Reno and Irvine: *exchange grins*

Rufus: “Argh!”

(they continue on)

……………………………………………………………………………………………

(later, sunshine is with her mother)

Scarlet: “You’re WHAT?”

Sunshine: “I’m going out with Nida tonight! What’s the big deal?”

Scarlet: “Nida? That little twerp? Sweetie, you can do so much better than that pompous idiot!”

Sunshine: “Aw, come on, mom! I think he’s sweet!”

Scarlet: “Yeah, sweet like acid.”

Sunshine: *frowns* “Well, I’m going out with him regardless. I’ve gone my whole life without you and have done pretty well for myself.”

(she storms out and scarlet sighs sadly. Hojo wanders in)

Hojo: “Having a falling out already?”

Scarlet: “I guess it comes with having children.”

Hojo: “Tell me about it. My son hates me. He sends me back the birthday cards I send him all ripped up. Plus he doesn’t even write my name on the envelope. He writes Mr. Ugly Man Jerk Off Whack Job.”

Scarlet: “Well you did totally mess him up.”

Hojo: “True.” *shrugs* “I guess I can’t compare.”

Scarlet: “I’m just glad she hasn’t pressed me about her father yet.” *glares at hojo* “You haven’t told anyone, have you?”

Hojo: *shiftily* “Uh…of course not.”

Scarlet: “I guess it doesn’t matter so much, considering he is dead, but you know, considering who he was…”

Hojo: *speaking quickly as he hurries towards the door* “I understand. Now, if you excuse me, I have a pressing matter!” *runs out*

Scarlet: “…He really is a whack job.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

(back to lark, alucard and dracula)

Dracula: *looking out the window* “It’s raining outside again.”

Alucard: “It’s always raining out.”

Dracula: “I know! Let’s go play in the rain!”

Alucard: “No, dad. We’re vampires, remember? Water hurts us. It burns our skin.”

Dracula: “It does? Okay, let’s just go for a swim then!”

Alucard: *runs a hand over his face* “Argh…”

Dracula: *frowns* “We don’t have a pool, do we. Dammit. I’m so bored. When are the Belmont’s going to get here?”

Alucard: “I don’t know, dad. Why don’t you just go lay down in your coffin for awhile?”

Dracula: “I’m too restless.” *thinks a moment* “Hmm…” *lightbulb* “I know! Let’s play chess!”

Alucard: *groan*

……………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back to the others)

Sephiroth: “Hey, Vincent, when we reach Dracula, maybe he’ll let you take a nap in his coffin if you ask nice.” *chuckles*

Vincent: *frowns*

Reeve: “Guys, I have bad news.”

Seifer: “Oh, great! Is the princess in another castle?”

Everyone: *blink blink*

Seifer: “Uh…never mind.”

Reeve: “I don’t know where else we can go. Everywhere else there is to go you seem to need special equipment for.”

Zidane: “Dammit.”

Algus: “What’s that, slave?”

Zidane: *sighs and pulls a bulging sack from his pocket* “I’ve been stealing all the shiny stuff from around the castle.”

Algus: “Bad slave.” *grabs sack* “No treats.”

Zidane: *hangs head*

(algus opens the sack and everyone crowds around to look inside)

Brady: “These are magic relics. We’ll be able to continue now!”

(everyone reaches in and grabs something)

Reno: “Cool! I wonder what this does?” *jumps really high and sticks to the ceiling* “Awesome!”

Irvine: “I can breathe underwater!”

Auron: “I can glide…”

Sephiroth: “Cool! I wonder what I can do!” *nothing happens* “Hey! What gives?”

Seifer: “Haha! You suck, Sephiroth!”

Sephiroth: “Shut up!” *picks up rock and hurls it at seifer*

Seifer: *gets hit by rock and a little red ‘5’ appears over his head* “Ow!”

Vincent: “Angel, I believe your relic shows how much damage you cause.”

Sephiroth: “Big deal! I know it’s a lot.” *pouts*

Reeve: “Well, looks like we can reach those high places now.”

Reno: *from ceiling* “Leave it to me!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, back to dracula, alucard and the surprisingly quiet lark, dracula and alucard are playing chess. Draculas pieces are all shaped like vampires, alucards are shaped like men with whips)

Dracula: “Checkmate! Haha! You lose again, Belmont’s!”

Alucard: *pouts* “You always make me be the Belmont’s.”

(suddenly the door flies open and in floats a flying figure in a black hood and carrying a sickle)

Dracula: “Death! There you are! Where have you been?”

Death: “I’ve been busy, my lord. Sorry I missed last night’s poker game.”

Dracula: *confused* “What poker game?”

Death: “Never mind. I’ve come to tell you that a bunch of armed men are traveling through the castle.”

Dracula: “Ah ha! Belmont’s! A whole group, you say? Great! I must prepare! Alucard?”

Alucard: “Yes, dad?”

Dracula: *whispers* “Why is Death missing half his face?”

Alucard: “Oh geez, dad!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, nida is back with seymour and kuja, who are now talking to him about his date)

Kuja: “Be sure to be a gentlemen. Open doors for her and pull out her chair.”

Seymour: “Don’t eat like a pig. And don’t burp at the table.”

Nida: *straightening his tie* “Duh! What am I, like 5?”

(then hojo comes rushing in out of breath)

Hojo: “Kuja! There you are! I’ve been looking all over for you! Remember that thing I let slip the other night?”

Kuja: “About you know who’s you know what?”

Hojo: “Yes! You didn’t tell anyone, did you?”

Kuja: “…No.” *shifty eyes*

Hojo: *sigh of relief* “Thank goodness.” *brightens* “Okay, well back to my cameras.” *he leaves*

Seymour: “You did tell someone. You told me, remember?”

Kuja: “Yes, but I wasn’t supposed to, remember? So of course I’m going to *lie*.”

Nida: “Told him what? Can you tell me?”

Kuja: “Absolutely not. You tell everyone everything.”

Nida: “I do not!”

Kuja: “I gave you those pages from Seymour’s diary, and you had them printed in your Garden newsletter.”

Seymour: “WHAT?!?!?!”

Nida: *checks watch* “Ack! I’m late! Gotta go!” *runs out*

……………………………………………………………………………………………

(back to the belmont wannabes)

Irvine: “These new groups of enemies are easy!”

Reno: “Tell me about – “ *gasp*

(he stops short suddenly and silently points ahead to where there is a beautiful woman in a scantily clad ensemble)

Reno: “What is *that*…?”

Reeve: “That is a succubus.”

Irvine: “Awesome!”

Reno: “I saw her first!”

Reeve: “No, you idiots! Don’t be fooled! A succubus is a type of vampire who drains your energy while having sex with you!”

Irvine and Reno: *blink blink* “…So?”

Reeve: “So when they’re done with you, you’re dead!”

Irvine and Reno: “Whoo hoo!” *high five* “What a way to go!”

Reeve: “Let’s go you two.” *drags them out*

……………………………………………………………………………………………..

(back to where lark is now alone with alucard)

Alucard: “Where’s dad gone now? I bet he got lost again.”

Lark: “Your father is very…um…”

Alucard: “Senile? You’re telling me. You haven’t even seen the half of it. Once, he kept getting me and Death confused. He took Death to the father/son vampire picnic! And another time he thought I was one of the Belmont’s! I had to sprinkle holy water outside my door to keep him from killing me in my sleep! And you can imagine how hard it was for me to leave my room! One night I had to go to the bathroom and I forgot about the holy water, and I burned a hole in my foot! It took a month to heal!”

Lark: “Aw, I’m sorry, Alucard. What turned your dad from the prince of darkness to the prince of ‘why is it dark out’?”

Alucard: “I think the immortality is getting to him. Just because he’ll live forever doesn’t mean he stays young.”

(just then dracula comes wandering back in looking surprised)

Dracula: “You’ll never believe what I just found!”

Alucard: “Your eye?”

Dracula: “…My eye is missing?”

Alucard: “Never mind. What did you find?”

Dracula: “The most tastefully decorated room I have ever seen! The furniture and everything was just arranged so nicely, I can’t believe I did it myself.”

Alucard: “…..”

Dracula: “Can you believe it, Alucard?”

Alucard: “No, dad. No, I definitely cannot.”

………………………………………………………………………………………….

(back to our fearless heroesthey look a little ragged after beating a boss)

Seifer: “This stupid whip hurts me more than anyone else!” *is all bruised from the whip*

Algus: “That’s because you’re not using it correctly! Give it here!”

Seifer: *hugs the whip* “No! It’s mine!”

Tseng: *calls* “Hey, you guys! Get over here!”

(everyone runs into the next chamber where its a dead end. However, sitting on a pedestal is a heart)

Reno: “Ew! What the hell is that?”

Reeve: “That must be Dracula’s heart. Pick it up –  we’ll probably need it.”

(nobody moves)

Reeve: “Don’t everybody jump at once.”

Seifer: “Man, that’s gross! I’m not touching that!”

Rufus: “Me neither! I’ll get my clothes dirty!”

Algus: “Same here. Slave, you touch it.”

Zidane: *backing off* “No way! That’s sick!”

(no one moves)

Auron: *sigh* “Very well.” *he picks it up*

Vincent: “That’s very noble of you.”

Auron: “Well, you can always be assured that I will handle a heart with care.”

Sephiroth: “All right, shut up Hallmark card wannabe. We’re almost there.”

(they keep going.)

……………………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile, several hours later, nida returns w/sunshine to loser land after what seems to be a successful datethey enter the deserted main room)

Sunshine: “I had a really nice time, Nida.”

Nida: “Awesome! Me too!”

Sunshine: “You certainly have done lots of interesting things. Too bad that Squall guy keeps stealing all the credit.”

Nida: “Tell me about it.”

Sunshine: “I don’t know why my mom didn’t want me to go out with you!”

Nida: “She what?”

Sunshine: “Yeah. She said you were a pompous little twerp.”

Nida: “What? Well she’s a dirty whore!” *pause* “Er… I mean, uh…she’s a pretty…door…uh…”

Sunshine: *sad sigh* “I know my mom has…had her share of men. She told me she doesn’t even know who my father is.”

?????????: “Gya haa haa! She’s lying!”

(heidegger steps in carrying stinky)

Sunshine: “What?”

(suddenly scarlet runs in followed by hojo, kuja and seymour)

Scarlet: “No, Heidegger!!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! President Shinra! Gya haa haa!”

Sunshine: *gasp*

Scarlet: “No! You fat blubber!!!” *to hojo* “You told me you told no one!”

Hojo: *to kuja* “You told me you told no one!”

Kuja: *to seymour* “And you told *me* you told no one!”

Seymour: “I didn’t!”

Heidegger: “I overheard! Gya haa haa!”

Sunshine: “My father…was…President Shinra…?”

Scarlet: *sigh* “Yes. It’s true.”

Sunshine: “But…how?”

Scarlet: “How do you think I got to where I was?”

Sunshine: “Oh… Well why didn’t you tell me?”

Scarlet: “Because… I don’t know. I guess I was ashamed.”

Sunshine: “It’s okay, mom. I still love you.” *hugs scarlet*

Seymour: *sniffle* “Aw…”

Kuja: “You should buy stock in Kleenex.”

Nida: “Excuse me! My date with Sunshine isn’t over yet! All of you leave!”

Sunshine: *smile* “You’re so cute when you’re mad, Nida.” *kisses him*

Nida: *looks dazed* “…Yay…”

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

(back to where lark is being held, dracula is standing in front of a mirror, fixing himself up)

Dracula: *brushing his hair* “Alucard, there’s something wrong with this mirror.”

Alucard: *sigh* “There’s nothing wrong with it, dad.”

Dracula: “Of course there is! I can’t see myself!”

Alucard: “Dad, you’re a vampire for goodness sake! You don’t have a reflection!!”

Dracula: “Why? Did I misplace it?”

Alucard: *grinds teeth*

Dracula: “What’s the matter, son? You look down.” *lightbulb* “I know! I’ll sing a song to cheer you up!” *puts arm around alucard and sings* “The sun’ll come out! Tomorrow! Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow! There’ll be sun!”

Alucard: “Dad, stop it.”

Dracula: “What’s wrong?”

Alucard: “I don’t like it when you sing.”

Dracula: “Why not? Your sister loves it!”

Alucard: “I don’t have a sister!”

Dracula: “Then who’s that girl sitting over there?”

Alucard: “twitch*

………………………………………………………………………………………….

(back to our adventurers)

Reeve: “So we’ve found Dracula’s heart, rib, ring, eye and nail.”

Zidane: *holding the really long nail* “Somebody treat this guy to a manicure!”

Reeve: “According to my map, there are only two places we haven’t been. One must be Dracula’s chamber. The other must be the room Juste kept talking about.”

Sephiroth: “All in favor of skipping that room?”

(only he raises his hand)

Sephiroth: “What the – are you guys kidding?”

Rufus: “Well, we’ve come this far…”

Tseng: “And if it’s as nice as he claims…”

Sephiroth: “Are you guys kidding me? Come on!” *desperate* “Brady?”

Brady: “I wanna get 100% complete.”

Sephiroth: *sigh* “Fine. Let’s trek across the whole castle for no good reason. Fine. But I’m not gonna be the one to tell Lark what took us so long!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

(some time later, the group comes to the only area they have yet to explore the area leading to draculas chamber. They find a very full looking zell sitting outside)

Seifer: “Hey, chicken wuss! Turn into a zombie yet?”

Zell: “Hey, you missed the best hot dogs ever and you’re just jealous!”

Seifer: “Am not!”

Zell: “Are too!”

Sephiroth: “Would you two stop bickering like babies? You’re wasting time! Let’s go!”

(they all rush into the chamber, weapons drawn, where they stop short. They have come upon draculas chamber all right, and the first thing they see is lark and alucard watching in horror as dracula, his back turned to the group, is doing the time warp from rocky horror picture show)

Dracula: *sings* “It’s just a jump to the left, and then a step to the r-i-i-i-ight!”

Alucard: “Dad, the Belmont’s are here.”

Dracula: *stops* “The who?”

Lark: “Guys! *runs over and hugs Brady* “Finally!”

Sephiroth: “I told them to hurry.”

Alucard: *coming over* “She did say there’d be a group.”

Sephiroth: *notices alucard and frowns* “Who the hell are you?”

Alucard: “I am Alucard.”

Sephiroth: “Why do you have silver hair?”

Alucard: “Why do you?”

Dracula: “Oh! The Belmont’s are here! And you brought my body parts! Which of you wants to fight me first?” *he notices seifer* “You, with the whip – you must be a true warrior. How about you first?”

Seifer: *shaking like a leaf* “Uh… Uh… Uh…”

Dracula: “Let’s have some fun!”

(dracula then absorbs his body parts and transforms into a gigantic, horrible looking creature. Everyone in the room except alucard looks at least somewhat scared)

Seifer: *trembling like crazy* “……Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” *he wets himself and flees the room dropping the whip*

Dracula: *transforms back* “Well, he was no Belmont! Who else wants to give it a whirl?”

Brady: *picks up whip* “I will!”

Dracula: “Excellent! Okay, let’s go into the death room over here.”

Brady: *gulp*

Dracula: “Don’t worry, it’s just a name. I just don’t want to get blood all over this room.”

Brady: *gulp*

(dracula goes into an adjoining room)

Lark: “Brady, are you sure about this?”

Brady: *firmly* “I’ve been training my whole life for this.”

(he follows dracula into the room and the door shuts)

Lark: “Yeah, but… That was behind a controller…”

Sephiroth: *still hassling alucard* “So where’d you get the dye job, buddy?”

Alucard: “How dare you insult me! My hair is shinier and softer than yours. You’re the one who looks phony.”

Sephiroth: *gasp* “How *dare* you! Your hair is stringy!”

Alucard: “I won’t take any more insults!” *draws sword* “I challenge you to a duel!”

Sephiroth: *draws sword* “You got it!”

Lark: “Oh no!” *runs between them* “No! Don’t hurt one another’s pretty faces!”

(dracula then comes out of the chamber carrying a beat up looking Brady)

Dracula: “Don’t worry, your body will be fully healed in a few years.” *puts him down*

Brady: *in pain* “Ugh… Lark…”

Lark: “Shush! Not right now, babe! The faces of two hot guys are hanging in the balance!”

Sephiroth: “I’ll show you whose hair looks dyed!”

Alucard: “I bet you’re really blonde.”

Sephiroth: *gasp* “How are you!”

(suddenly buttons the bat comes flying out of nowhere and attacks sephiroth)

Sephiroth: *trying to swipe at it* “Stop it! Get away from me you stupid bat!”

Lark: “Would you two stop fighting? You both have beautiful, wonderful hair!”

(alucard snaps his fingers and recalls buttons)

Sephiroth: “But Lark… My silver hair makes me special.”

Lark: “Aw, Sephy. You’re special! Only you could become one with the planet!”

Sephiroth: “I guess you’re right.” *mutters* “My hair’s still nicer.”

Brady: *moans in pain* “Babe…”

Lark: *looks at him* “Ack! Brady! That’s the last time you fight the supernatural!” *runs to him*

Dracula: *holding the whip* “At last! I have the power of the Belmont’s!”

(dracula uses the whip but accidentally hits himself with it. He screams and erupts in a ball of flames leaving behind a pile of random body parts)

Everyone: *blink blink*

Lark: “…Uh…sorry, Alucard.”

Alucard: “It’s okay. I need a break. Besides, he’ll be back. Just give him 45 minutes.”

Reno: “Wait a sec…he regenerates in 45 minutes?”

Alucard: “Give or take.”

Zidane: “Then how come the castle doesn’t just reappear with him?”

Alucard: “It takes awhile to rearrange all the rooms and train all the monsters.”

Everyone: “Oh…”

Lark: “Well, we’d best be going. See ya, Alucard.”

Alucard: “Fare thee well.” *hands lark the whip*

(they start to leave)

Zell: *laughing* “Did you see Seifer pee himself? Wait till Squall hears about that!”

Irvine: “Do you think one of those succubus chicks would go out with me?”

Reno: “Go for it, dude!”

Reeve: “Don’t even think about it.”

Lark: *helping Brady along* “Thanks for rescuing me.”

Brady: “Any time.” *they kiss*

Sephiroth: “Hey! Where’s my thank you!? He didn’t even know you were gone until I told him!”

Lark: “You only knew I was gone because you wanted me to brush your hair.”

Sephiroth: “…So?” *pouts*

Lark: *sigh of relief* “I can’t wait to go home!”

Algus: “I’m afraid we have one more stop to make, Miss Lark.”

Lark: “What? Finding Seifer? He’s right over there, crying in the corner.”

Seifer: *sobbing* “I am not!”

Algus: “No, I’m talking of returning the whip to the Belmont’s.”

Brady: “Yeah. And let me tell you – whatever idea you have in your head about them, it’s so very wrong.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

(back outside the belmont mansion. Algus is in front, whip in hand. Franswa answers the door)

Franswa: “Back already?”

Algus: “And triumphant!”

Franswa: *sigh* “I’ll put on the hot chocolate.”

Zell: “Awesome!”

(they all file before the belmonts, all of whom are sleeping)

Franswa: *sigh* “Don’t worry, I’ll wake them.” *yells* “Oh no! Dracula’s coming!”

Four Belmonts: *jerk awake* “I’ll get ‘em! Let me at ‘em!”

Franswa: “You have guests, you old farts.”

Trevor: “Who you callin’ an old fart, youngin’? You never even set foot in Dracula’s castle and lived to tell the tale!”

Franswa: “I’m leaving right now.” *he does*

Simon: “So you made it, eh?”

Richter: “And you rescued your girl!”

Juste: “How was it?”

FF Guys: “Long.”

Juste: “Did you see my room?”

Tseng: “Yes, it is quite tasteful.”

Juste: *beams*

Algus: “We brought back your whip as well.” *hands it to trevor*

Trevor: “So which one of you was the lucky one to slay Dracula?”

FF Guys: “Uh…” *exchanged panicked looks*

Lark: “They all did!”

Belmonts: “They all did?”

Lark: “Yeah! They…uh…took turns. Very heroic.”

Reeve: “I made a map!” *hands it to simon*

Simon: “Thanks, sonny! I’ll add it to the pile.”

Richter: *sniffs air* “Something smells like a toilet.”

Seifer: *quietly moves to the back of the group*

Juste: “You men are lucky. Few fight Dracula and live to tell the tale.”

Trevor: “We all did! Would you like to hear the story?”

Brady: “Uh, we’d love to, but fighting Dracula made us all really tired.”

Lark: “It was nice meeting you all, though!”

Sephiroth: “We’ll let ourselves out.”

Juste: “Come back and visit again soon!”

(the ramble gang leaves. Franswa comes in with a tray of hot chocolate)

Franswa: *annoyed* “What the – they’re gone already? You scared them off in 2 minutes!”

Trevor: “Franswa, it’s time for my pills.”

(franswa mumbles and grumbles as he goes into a cabinet, takes out a pill, and gives it to trevor)

Franswa: “Here.”

Trevor: “Franswa, did I ever tell you about the time I killed Dracula?”

Franswa: “ARGH!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………..

(the next day in loser land, sunshine has all her stuff packed and shes ready to go)

Nida: “Are you sure that you have to go?”

Sunshine: “Yeah. I have to get back to my job.”

Scarlet: “Well be sure to come back and visit.”

Sunshine: “You know I will! Plus, I have to visit my brother! I hope he’s nice.”

Everyone: *sweat drops*

Nida: “So, Sunshine, can I tell people I have a girlfriend now?”

Sunshine: “Aw, Nida, you’re really sweet. But I just can’t do the long distance thing.”

Nida: *hangs head* “That’s what my pen pal said.”

Sunshine: “I’ll miss you all.”

Heidegger: “That means even me! Gya haa haa!”

Sunshine: *hugs scarlet* “And don’t worry, mom. I’ll be sure to call.”

Scarlet: “It’s okay. I know you’re busy.”

Sunshine: “I’m not THAT busy.”

(she leaves)

Scarlet: *sigh* “Well, there she goes.

Nida: “The only woman I ever loved!” *runs off crying*

Seymour: *to kuja* “And you think *I’m* a wimp.”

………………………………………………………………………………………..

(the next day in the ramble roomthe same group that fought dracula is sitting around watching the yankee gameexcept lark and sephiroth)

Sephiroth: *running in* “Lark’s been kidnapped again! I found another note from Dracula!”

Lark: *entering* “Hey, guys! What’s up?”

Sephiroth: *blink blink* “Wait… You’re here.”

Lark: *sigh* “Look, I’m not brushing your hair anymore, okay? It gives me a cramp in my arm.”

Sephiroth: “No! Look at this note I found!”

(the note says: haha, belmonts! This time Ive really got your girl! Just try and free her! You arch nemesis forever, dracula)

Lark: “Well it’s not me.”

Sephiroth: *shrugs* “Eh. Then I don’t care.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, at draculas castle, alucard stands around shaking his head as Dracula flips through a book, back to missing his body parts again. Red sits there looking pathetic)

Alucard: “Dad, I don’t know what this is, but it has nothing to do with the Belmonts.”

Dracula: “Is it a succubus?”

Alucard: “No! It’s not a girl of any kind!”

Draula: “A cyclops?”

Alucard: “No! It has two eyes!”

Dracula: “A catoblepas?”

Alucard: “No, dad.”

Dracula: “Alucard?”

Alucard: “Yes, dad.”

Dracula: “Am I missing an eye?”

Red: *sigh* “I’ll never get out of here.”

THE END

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