#125 – Rufus Brand Everything

Tseng: *softly* “Each new product is another one of my nightmares.”

Originally Published: 7/11/04 . 24 pages

Synopsis
Rufus is going into business – on everything! Meanwhile, in loser land, Scarlet find out her daughter wants to meet her! Will mother and daughter have a happy reunion?

Ramble Milestones
-Sunshine’s first appearance.

This was the ramble that went along with the launch of Buy-Shinra.com, and it’s also the first ramble where Rufus’ sister Sunshine shows up, so a lot of things are happening here. Buy-Shinra.com was supposed to be a lot more elaborate than it ended up being, but due to lack of time I never did wind up completing my vision. Still love the domain name, though. Obviously. My favorite Rufus product introduced here is the do it yourself Botox kit, which is obviously seen again. The only other products that really get talked about are the footwear and the condoms. Now, as for Sunshine, I had the idea of Scarlet getting knocked up by President Shinra for awhile, and it only seemed natural that Nida would be attracted to her. After all, he clearly likes her older, extremely less attractive mother. Oh, and Vincent makes poor Sephiroth watch The Bachelor. Poor, poor Sephy. This ramble also had a subtitle: Everybody Needs a Little Sunshine in Their Life.

(the ramble room is full of the usual gang. And by the usual gang I mean lark, Brady, seph, vincent, auron, reno, rude, shell, zell, irvine, reeve, and tseng. They are all preoccupied with their own innocent tasks when rufus enters with algus, zidane, edgar and setzer and yes, if you dont know by now, when rufus enters a crowded ramble room at the beginning of a ramble, bad things happen.)

Rufus: *proclaims* “Sic semper tyranus!”

Reeve: “I hear that.”

Tseng: “Huh?”

Reeve: “He said ‘death to tyrants’. In Latin.”

Rufus: “I said *what*?” *pouts* “I meant to say I *am* a tyrant.”

Zell: “I thought you were talking about dinosaurs.”

Rufus: *sighs* “Oh well. Anyway, I have an announcement to make.”

Everyone: *screams and jumps up to scramble for a hiding place*

Rufus: “Hey! Where’s everybody going?”

Reno: *from under the couch* Rufus, every time you make an announcement, bad stuff happens.”

Rufus: “No! That’s not true!”

Reno: “Uh, the lemonade stand?”

Rufus: “Was delicious enjoyment!”

Tseng: “The theme park?”

Rufus: “Spectacular fun had by all!”

Rude: “The movie?”

Rufus: “A triumph of entertainment!”

Reeve: “The video game system?”

Rufus: “A runaway success and the inspiration for my next venture into the world of consumerism!”

Sephiroth: “Rufus, you already have the rocket ship that matches your disgustingly jeweled car.”

Rufus: “Yes, but the submarine and underwater bungalow are still a bit out of my reach.”

Tseng: “Who the hell wants to live in a house under the sea covered in precious stones?”

Algus: “I can’t wait to move in!”

Rufus: “And move in you shall, my friend, once I launch my line of products and accompanying ad campaign.”

Algus: “I await with bated breath.”

Reeve: “I feel nauseous already.”

Rufus: “You’ll feel even more nauseous when you see my presentation tomorrow.”

Lark: “You’ve prepared a presentation?”

Rufus: “Why of course! I’ll even have some of my fabulous products to sell early.”

Shell: “Ooh… Products…”

Rude: *frown*

Reno: “Uh, sorry, Rufus. I’d love to attend your stupid – er… stupendous presentation, but…uh…I’ve got…stuff.”

Irvine: “Me too. Stuff up the rear.”

Rufus: “Reno – you have no choice. And Irvine, I have products involving booze and sex.”

Irvine: *shrug* “Guess I’m sold.”

Rufus: “Be there or be square.”

Sephiroth: “Being square sounds way more fun.”

Lark: “I’m making you go, Seph.”

Sephiroth: “Stupid woman! You have no power over me!”

Lark: “Stop complaining.”

Sephiroth: *pouts* “Fine. I’ll complain to myself.”

Auron: “Thank you, Lark.”

Sephiroth: “Shut up, Auroran.”

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

 

(meanwhile, loser land is a happy place, as usual. And by happy I mean not happy. Everyones sitting around, not doing much of anything. Nida comes in with the mail.)

Nida: “Mail time, everyone!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Mail time!”

Nida: *hands stuff to hojo* “Hojo.”

Hojo: *glancing through it* “Kuja, why are all your bills care of me?”

Kuja: “You know why.”

Nida: “Mail for Seymour…” *hands seymour his mail*

Seymour: *sigh* “Still no word from LeBlanc.” *brightens* “But ooh, sale at Victoria’s Secret.”

Nida: “Kuja…” *hands kuja mail*

Kuja: “Ooh, sale at Zales jewelers…” *holds out the flyer to hojo* “Here you are. I’ll circle what I want later.”

Hojo: *mumbles something as he takes the flyer*

Nida: “Here’s your crap, Heidegger.” *gives heidegger mail*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! More coupons!” *eats them*

Nida: “And then there’s me!” *looks at his mail* “Ooh! I’m on the cover of Garden Magazine!”

Kuja: “That’s clearly Squall.”

Nida: “…Shut up! It was Halloween!”

Kuja: “…You dressed up as Squall for Halloween?”

Nida: “…Yes.”

Kuja: “Squall who you *hate*?”

Nida: “…Yes.”

Scarlet: “Hey, idiot, where’s my mail?”

Nida: “Oh, right.” *gives her one letter* “Here.”

Scarlet: *takes it* “Uh oh. I remember what happened last time I got one letter in the mail…”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Free vacation!”

(scarlet opens the letter and reads it, her face getting pale)

Scarlet: “Oh no… Oh no… This can’t be happening.”

Nida: “Being called into court on charges of prostitution again? Don’t worry, I’ll dust off our phony wedding rings and photos.” *happy sigh* “That was a great day, wasn’t it?”

Scarlet: “No, worse. …My daughter’s coming to see me.”

Everyone: “Your daughter (gya haa haa!!)?!?!”

Nida: “You have a daughter, Scarlet?”

Heidegger: “Why am I not surprised! Gya haa haa!”

Kuja: “When did this happen?”

Scarlet: *sigh* “Oh, I got pregnant awhile back… I freaked out and put her in an orphanage. I never thought she’d track me down, but with the internet and all… I guess she managed to track me down.” *mumbles* “Stupid internet.”

Nida: “How old is she? What’s her name? Is she hot?”

Scarlet: “I have no idea what she looks like, Nida, I haven’t seen her since she was born.”

Nida: “Well what about my other questions?”

Scarlet: “Well, I guess she must be your age by now. And her name… Is Sunshine.”

Hojo: “That’s what we were going to name Sephiroth if he were a girl.”

Everyone: *gives hojo weird looks*

Hojo: *hangs head* “Okay, no. It was Sephorina.”

Scarlet: “Well, I don’t want to see her. I better skip town for a bit.”

Seymour: “Oh no, honey. You’re not going anywhere. If your daughter doesn’t meet you, it might cause permanent damage.” *pause* “Well, more permanent damage.”

Kuja: “For once I agree with freak face, Scarlet. Time to face the music.”

Nida: “Yeah!! I’ll share a room with her!”

Scarlet: “Hells no, Nida.” *sigh* “Fine. But no one mention to her that I don’t know who her father is.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa!! Talk show waiting to happen!”

 

 

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………

 

 

(the following day, the whole ramble gang wanders into the ramble room. A lot of stuff has been set up, but its all covered up in cloths. Hanging across the top of the room is a large banner, but its covered up.)

Brady: “Wow. Rufus pulled out all the stops.”

Reeve: “I really don’t like the look of this… It looks like a scheme for world domination.”

Tseng: “In a sense, isn’t it?”

Zell: “Wow, it looks like Rufus has a lot of really cool stuff to sell!”

Irvine: “I wonder which ones are related to sex and booze.”

Reno: “I hope most of them.”

Shell: “I hope that there’s jewelry, don’t you, Rude?”

Rude: *fingers crossed behind his back* “Oh yes, Shell.”

Zidane: “I don’t suppose Rufus has anything in there that makes obnoxious people disappear.”

Sephiroth: “No, then he’d disappear.” *pause* “Hmmm… Note to self, build such a machine.”

(suddenly a voice seems to come from nowhere)

Voice: “Everyone please be seated and prepare yourself for the best thing since the creation of the universe!”

Sephiroth: “Oh, please. Who does he think he is?”

Vincent: “Go—“

Sephiroth: “Don’t answer that.”

(everyone seats themselves and the voice comes from nowhere again.)

Voice: “From the genius who brought you yummy homemade lemonade, a masterpiece of a motion picture, the greatest amusement park ever, and the best video game system ever it’s…RUFUS BRAND EVERYTHING!”

(all the covers fall away to reveal a huge banner that reveals RUFUS BRAND BUY SHINRA. Theres also a variety of products)

Voice: “And now, the smartest, most handsome guy on the planet… RUFUS J. SHINRA!”

(rufus steps out, smiling and waving. He takes his place at a podium, smiling brightly.)

Rufus: “Hello, valued consumers. Today I am proud to present to you a variety of products designed to make your life better and easier. First, for your breakfast needs, Roofie’s brand cereal.”

Reno: *snickers*

Rufus: “Roofie’s brand cereal features shapes of my head made of sugar and grain that smile up at you from your bowl.”

Tseng: “That is the creepiest idea ever. And I worked with Hojo.”

Rufus: “Also, the cereal features green marshmallows in the shape of dollar signs, which will appeal to kids. Moving on, we have Rufus fashion dolls!”

(he shows off an array of different dolls that pretty much look like a ken doll with some resemblance to rufus. There are three of them: one is dressed in rufus traditional white outfit, another is in a red and white hawaiian swimsuit, and the other one is in a tuxedo.)

Rufus: “What little girl or homosexual man wouldn’t want one of these splendid dolls, which feature great detail of my gorgeous face?”

Tseng: *mumbles under his breath* “Reeve, can I attack him now?”

Reeve: *mutters* “At the end of the presentation, dear.”

Rufus: “Next is the Rufus line of lingerie and skin care for the ladies!”

(he pulls down a curtain that was hanging over a large display. It reveals a huge poster of women wearing lingeriealthough rufus has pasted his own head on all the models.)

Zell: “Uh, Rufus? Why is your head pasted on the women’s bodies?”

Rufus: “To add appeal, of course!” *smile* “As you can see on the models, all the lingerie features diamonds.”

Shell: “Ooh! Gotta collect them all!”

Rufus: “Ex*actly*. And in the Rufus skin care line, we have soap, moisturizer, alpha hydroxy cream, sunblock, self-tanner, and, the most expensive one: the do it yourself botox kit.”

Reeve: “Isn’t that dangerous?”

Rufus: “Probably. Moving on, we have Rufus brand wicker baskets!”

(he whips back another curtain and reveals baskets that are in the shape of his head with his mouth open, which is where you can put things in the basket.)

Everyone: *disgust* “Ugh!”

Barret: “Yo, I be havin’ nightmares for weeks!”

Cid: “#@%$@%@#$^@#^$%&*$%*&!”

Tseng: “I didn’t think it was possible, but that’s creepier than the cereal!”

Rufus: “And it only gets better, my friend!”

Tseng: “…Rufus. Creepy isn’t good.”

Rufus: “Yes it is.”

Tseng: “…No. …It’s not.”

Rufus: “I thought it was the new slang word that meant ‘cool’.”

Tseng: “…No. It’s the same old word that means SCARY!”

Rufus: *shrugs* “You’re not my target market anyway. My lovely basket can be used to store anything! ‘Cause who could you trust more to keep your valuables than little ol’ me?”

Sephiroth: “Anyone or anything.”

Rufus: “Going on with my presentation, I would like to introduce you all to Rufus brand footwear!”

(this time he pulls back the curtain to reveal a variety of shoes: sneakers, hiking boots, mens dress shoes, loafers, regular boots, even high heels. Guess what they all have in common? If you guessed that they all have rufus face on them, youre right!)

Algus: “Brilliance, my friend!”

Zidane: “Those are the ugliest freakin’ things I’ve ever seen!”

Algus: “Say good-bye to your pay, slave.”

Zidane: *hangs head* “I was so close to those Kit Kats…”

Rufus: “With my fabulous array of footwear, that comes in a variety of styles and colors, you can take me wherever you go!”

Tseng: *softly* “Each new product is another one of my nightmares.”

Rufus: “Next is one of my personal favorite products, and I anticipate it being one of our top sellers.”

(this curtain reveals a table piled full of condoms. Of course, all of them have rufus face on the wrapper.)

Reno: “What the f*** is this?”

Rufus: “Why they’re Rufus brand condoms, my friend! 100% effective against preventing unwanted pregnancy!”

Noelle: “Rufus, no method is 100% effective.”

Rufus: “These are! And my team of paid actors portraying doctors will promise so to millions of viewers on TV every day!”

Reeve: *cough* ”Lawsuit.” *cough*

Rufus: *offers one to reno* “Here you are, my friend. Have one on the house!”

Reno: “Hell no.”

Rufus: “Why not?”

Reno: “Uh…Rufus, no one is going to want to use those with your face on it. Especially me.”

Rufus: “On the contrary, people would be more inclined to use them.”

Reno: “Rufus, people really don’t find you that attractive.”

Rufus: “On the contrary again, Reno. Most of the people in this room are thinking about having sex with me right now.”

(everyone looks perplexed for a minute. Then one by one they look at zell.)

Zell: *flips out* “What the hell?!?!”

Irvine: *sigh* “Finally. He denies it.”

Zell: *still flipping out* “You all know Rufus is so right!”

Irvine: *sigh* “I take it all back.”

Rufus: “Thank you, Zell. Now, as a reminder to you all, I am continuing to sell the Xcubestation, along with my ‘Smells Like Sex Cologne’ – for the guy who can’t get any, Rufus brand hot dogs and Rufus brand lemonade – non-addictive in 8 out of 10 tests. But adding to my list are these fine products!”

(he reveals another poster set. One is a whiskey bottle called jack rufus, and the other is rufus brand cigarettes, featuring a child smoking the product.)

Lark: “Rufus! Why do you have a CHILD in your cigarette ad?”

Rufus: “What? His mother signed the release.” *thoughtfully* “At least I’m pretty sure it was his mother… Either that or the homeless lady who lives in that trash heap…”

Lark: “Rufus, this is ridiculous! You can’t have CHILDREN selling cigarettes! That’s illegal!”

Rufus: “Why? I figure get ‘em while they’re young!”

Reno: “I’m interested in the cigarettes AND the Jack Rufus. Is it possible to get some right now?”

Rufus: “See! I already have a customer!”

Lark: “Reno!!!”

Reno: “What? The man has what I like!”

Lark: “Rufus, I can’t make you stop selling the cigarettes, but at LEAST stop the ads with the children in them!”

Rufus: *sigh* “Fine. At least it’ll get those government people to stop leaving me threatening messages.”

Lark: “Thank you. …I guess.”

Tseng: “Does that conclude the presentation from hell?”

Rufus: “It most certainly does, my fine friend! Now can I interest you in any fine Rufus product?”

Tseng: “Not unless it’s on fire, no.”

Rufus: “Hey, as long as you buy it, I don’t care what you do with it.”

Algus: “It still puts money in the bank, eh, Rufus?”

Rufus: “Damn right!”

(they high five)

 

………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

 

(meanwhile, back in loser land, scarlet and the gang are preparing for her daughters arrival. Scarlet is trying her best to make herself look pretty.)

Scarlet: “Okay, I have made a list to make sure everything is ready for Sunshine’s arrival.”

Nida: “You made a list?”

Scarlet: “…Shut up. Okay. Number one: Food protected from Heidegger?”

Nida: “Check. I triple padlocked it and put licky licky on guard.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! It doesn’t lick!”

Scarlet: “Second: Kefka off property?”

Seymour: “I gave him a ticket to the circus. If we’re lucky, he’ll never come home.”

Scarlet: “Perfect. Hojo’s ‘collection’?”

Hojo: *sigh* “Safely locked away from prying eyes.”

Scarlet: “Excellent. Sleeping area?”

Kuja: “All set. I even sprayed the pillow with just a touch of my perfume.”

Seymour: “Sounds like you were born to be a maid.”

Kuja: “I would never want to take over your true calling.”

Seymour: “Argh!! Why I—“

Scarlet: “NO FIGHTING!” *sigh* “Okay, everything seems to be in order. Nobody do anything weird. Hojo, no groping Kuja. Seymour, no talking about sex change operations. Nida, no pretending to be Squall—“

Nida: “Hey! Squall should be pretending to be me!”

Scarlet: “Stinky, no spraying anyone, and Heidegger, no eating random objects.”

Heidegger: *a phone receiver half sticking out of his mouth so he sounds mumbled* “Crap! Gya haa haa!”

(theres a knock at the door)

Scarlet: “Okay, so when my daughter gets here—“

Hojo: “I think she’s here.”

Scarlet: “WHAT?”

Nida: “No she’s not. He’s crazy.”

(theres another knock.)

Hojo: “Yes she is. Don’t you hear that?”

Kuja: “Hear what?”

(another knock.)

Seymour: “I don’t hear anything but Heidegger farting.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Biohazard!”

Scarlet: “Ew! Heidegger, no farting!”

(theres another knock.)

Hojo: *sigh* “It’s hopeless. I’ll get it.”

(he goes over to the door and opens it. Sure enough, there stands Sunshine. She looks like a lot like Scarlet if she went a different path instead of being a dirty whore. Sunshine is beautiful, with long golden blonde hair and blue eyes. She is also dressed nicely and carrying what looks to be expensive luggage.)

Sunshine: “Um, Hello. Are you…my mother’s husband?”

Hojo: *chuckles* “Maybe in some alternate bizarro universe.”

Scarlet: *running over and shoving hojo out of the way* “Sunshine!” *smiles* “Look at how you’ve grown!”

Sunshine: “Mom!”

(they hug.)

Seymour: *wipes away a tear* “What a wonderful moment.”

Kuja: *mutters* “Pussy.”

Scarlet: “It’s so great to finally see you. How did you manage to track me down?”

Sunshine: “Internet. It was hard, though. And when I finally did find my birth certificate, there was no father on it.”

Scarlet: *sweat drops* “Heh heh.”

(sunshine steps inside and puts her bag down, glancing at the others.)

Sunshine: “Wow, mom. You certainly live with a lot of people…”

Scarlet: “Yeah, it’s kinda like a college dorm, but without the fun or booze. Sunshine, this is Dr. Hojo, Kuja, Seymour, Heidegger and Nida.”

Nida: *gapes at sunshine* “Wow! You’re beautiful!”

Scarlet: “Nida, shut up.”

Sunshine: *blushes* “Thank you.”

Scarlet: *glares at nida* “Anyway, Sunshine, why don’t you and I go out for coffee or something? We have a lot of catching up to do!”

Sunshine: “We sure do!”

(they leave.)

Kuja: “For someone who didn’t want to meet her daughter, she sure was pretty happy to see her.”

Hojo: “Well considering the circumstances surrounding what happened with her—“ *stops* “Um… I’ve said too much.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Special surprise guest on talk show!”

Kuja: “You know who her father is?”

Hojo: *edging towards the door* “Uh… I have to go… Tend to the…things.” *he runs off*

Kuja: “Hmmm… I didn’t really care, but now that he’s hiding it, I must know.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! The truth is out there!”

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

(meanwhile, back in the ramble room the following day the walls of the ramble room have been covered in ads for rufus products. rufus and his pals are hanging out, along with zidane when lark barges in followed by Brady, sephiroth and the rest of the choo choo train. She is waving a piece of paper rather unhappily)

Lark: “Rufus! What is the meaning of this?!”

(she shoves the paper in his face. Rufus takes it and smiles)

Rufus: “Why this is another fine ad for Rufus brand cigarettes!”

Lark: “Rufus! You have PUPPIES SMOKING!”

Rufus: “What? You said no children. Puppies aren’t children. They’re puppies.”

Lark: “Rufus, this is awful! These poor puppies! I’m surprised you haven’t been dealing with hundreds of calls from animal rights advocates!”

Rufus: “Animals have rights?”

Lark: “RUFUS!”

Rufus: “What? For your information, we went through a lot of trouble to shoot those ads! Those puppies did not like those cigarettes.”

Lark: “Rufus, I swear, if you don’t change these ads right now—“

Rufus: “All right, all right! I’ll change them! No kids, and no puppies.”

Lark: “No baby animals of any kind!”

Rufus: “Fine. No baby animals of any kind. Now, can I interest anyone in a Rufus brand catalogue?” *holds up catalogue*

Sephiroth: “Rufus, I’m sick of seeing your junk everywhere. Your ads are all over the ramble room, all over the newspapers, and your ads run continuously on TV! During one episode of The Bachelor, I saw your ads 25 times!”

Zidane: *snort* “You were watching The Bachelor?”

Sephiroth: “…Vincent likes it.”

Vincent: “Someone will find love someday.”

Auron: “Finding love on television does not have high chances.”

Rufus: “Sephiroth, I can’t help it that the networks like to run my ads all the time.”

Sephiroth: “They like to play your ads because you paid them a ton of money!”

Rufus: *happy smile* “Yeah…”

Sephiroth: *annoyed* “Forget it. There’s no getting through to him. Let’s go.”

(he, vincent and auron go to leave.)

Vincent: “Blind Date is coming on now.”

Sephiroth: “Uggggghhhh….”

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

(meanwhile, back in loser land awhile later, scarlet and sunshine have returned, and nida is talking to her. He looks all lovingly at her. Also in the room are kuja, seymour, heidegger and stinky)

Sunshine: “…And then, once I finished college at 18, I decided that I really needed to find the woman who brought me here. So I searched for my mom.”

Nida: *sigh* “…Wow…”

Scarlet: *pokes her head out of the kitchen* “Sunshine, can you come help me here for a minute?”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I’ll help!”

Scarlet: “No! You come within 5 feet of the kitchen and I’ll get a restraining order, I swear.”

Sunshine: “Coming, mom.”

(she goes into the kitchen, and nida sighs dreamily)

Nida: “Wow… Sunshine is the most perfect girl ever. Smart…Beautiful…Nice…Kind…”

Kuja: “Yes, she reminds me of me.”

Seymour: “No, you mean she reminds you of *me*.”

Kuja: “Oh, I do *not* think so.”

Seymour: “Oh yes you do.”

Kuja: *yells* “Oh no!”

Seymour: *yells* “Oh yes!”

Nida: “Stop it! Neither of you are *girls*!”

Kuja and Seymour: *slinking back* “…Oh.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Hard to imagine that she came from Scarlet!”

Scarlet’s voice: *loudly from the kitchen* “We can hear you idiots!! We’re just in the next room!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Oops!”

Nida: *clears throat and leans forward whispering* “So… Uh, Kuja…Seymour, uh, can I ask you something?”

Seymour and Kuja: “Certainly.”

Nida: “Well, you guys seem to know girls pretty well…and…um…can you help me impress Sunshine?”

Seymour and Kuja: “Certainly!”

Seymour: *clears throat* “Although, I prefer to work ALONE.”

Kuja: “I need his help like white shoes after labor day, but I’ll do what I can.”

Nida: “Thanks, you guys! You guys are awesome!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I’ll help too! Girls like food! Gya haa haa!”

Nida: “No, you ass. *You* like food.”

Heidegger: “Right! Gya haa haa!!”

 

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(two days later in the ramble roomrufus is there with his usual crew of algus, zidane, edgar and setzer. He is holding a really long print out of something.)

Rufus: “My profits are 500%!! The submarine and underwater bungalow are mine!”

Algus: “What about the palace on the moon?”

Rufus: “That’s my next goal.”

Setzer: “Where are you guys seeing this stuff?”

Algus: “Why it’s all in ‘Rich and Pompous Weekly’. They feature all the most expensive things money can possibly buy.” *hands setzer a copy*

Setzer: *flipping through it* “A horse covered in diamonds? Wouldn’t that kill it?”

Algus: “Probably. But think of how handsome it would look stuffed and standing in your trophy room.”

Rufus: “Indeed.”

Setzer: *grimace* “Ugh.”

(just then reno and rude enter, holding mr. Jingles, who is wearing several necklaces covered completely in precious gems. They do not look happy.)

Reno: “Here, Rufus. We polished all of Mr. Jingles’ jewelry.”

Rufus: “Ah, excellent!” *takes mr. Jingles* “You have done well.”

Reno and Rude: “………” *don’t move*

Rufus: “…Why are you still here? Is there some other chore you would like to do for me?”

Reno: “You promised us a little something extra if we did this for you.”

Rufus: “Ah! So I did!” *reaches into his pocket and takes out 2 rufus brand condoms which he hands them* “Here you guys go! Enjoy!” *wink*

(reno and rude exchange an unamused look and glare at rufus)

Reno: “No, Rufus. We don’t want your crap. We want money.”

Rufus: “Oh, I’m sorry. But I really can’t afford to pay you in money right now.”

Rude: “…What do you take us for?”

Reno: “Yeah! You make a ton of money! You covered your stuffed bear in jewels for gods sake, and Rude can’t even afford shoes! He’s wearing newspapers taped to his feet!”

Rufus: *looking down at rude’s feet* “Hey! The Yankees won yesterday! Great!”

Reno: “Rufus, you know, I think since you can afford to buy Mr. Jingles a Bentley and his own chauffeur, you can afford to buy Rude some new shoes.”

Rufus: “Well, I won’t do quite that, but I’ll do the next best thing!”

(he goes into a closet and pulls out a box of rufus brand footwear, which he hands to rude with a smile)

Rufus: “Here you are, Rude! Wear with pride!”

(rude opens the box. Inside are a pair of red spike heels. He looks up at rufus with a blank expression)

Rude: “You disgust me.”

Rufus: *chipperly* “You’re welcome! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have much work to be done!”

(He and his entourage leave.)

Reno: “Maybe you can sell those for money.”

Rude: *defeated sigh*

Reno: “Sorry, man. Hey, let’s go raid the recycling bin and find you something new to wear. Maybe if you start wearing the stock pages your luck’ll change.”

 

 

 

………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

(meanwhile, in loser landit seems nida has been shopping. He is standing in front of a mirror in a very nice sweater over a collared shirt, a very nice pair of pants and some snappy shoes. Kuja and seymour nod in appreciation)

Nida: “So, how do I look? Better than Squall?”

Kuja: “You look fabulous.”

Seymour: “Quite stylish. What girl wouldn’t want such a snappy dresser?”

Nida: *takes a deep breath* “Okay, so now that I look great, I’m going to ask Sunshine out. What should I say?”

Kuja: “First, compliment her. Girls love that.”

Seymour: “Second, be confident.”

Nida: “Should I tell her how I’m better than Squall?”

(kuja and seymour exchange a look)

Kuja: “Uh… I’d hold off on that for as long as possible… Say…forever…”

Seymour: “Yes. And here, you can give her this. She’ll find it romantic.” *hands him a single rose*

Nida: “Awesome! You guys rock!”

(he runs off)

Seymour: “Ah, young love.”

Kuja: “I don’t blame him for going after her. If I were straight, I would too, now that I know who she’s related to.”

Seymour: *gasp* “You found out who her father is!?!?! How?!?!”

Kuja: “Hojo knew. Need I elaborate?”

Seymour: “…I guess not. Anyway, tell me! Tell me!”

Kuja: “I don’t know if I should… It might get around…”

Seymour: “No!!! Please, please, please! I promise not to tell! Who am I going to tell?”

Kuja: “…True. You don’t have any friends.” *lowers voice* “Sunshine’s father is…”

(he whispers it to seymour, whose eyes widen)

Seymour: *gasp* “You mean she’s related to—“

Kuja: *nods* “Yup.”

Seymour: “Wow.”

Kuja: “Uh-huh.”

(meanwhile, outside the door, stinky is listening, his ear pressed to the wall. He then writes something down on a piece of paper and goes scurrying back to heidegger, who he hands the paper to.)

Heidegger: *reads paper* “Gya haa haa! I’m so glad I taught him to write!”

(this part is to be continued)

 

………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

(meanwhile, back in the ramble room the next day, rufus is looking over a few more print outs, although he doesnt look quite as thrilled this time. He is also by himself, at least until lark stomps in, followed by her usual gang of Brady, seph, vin and auron)

Lark: “RUFUS! You’ve done it again!”

Rufus: *looks up* “I’ve made another million?”

Lark: “NO!” *she slaps down a piece of paper in front of him* “What did I say about using babies in your ads?”

Rufus: “What’s wrong with this cigarette ad? You said no baby *animals*. You said nothing about baby humans.”

Lark: “Rufus, no baby ANYTHING! This is disgusting! Pull this ad right now!”

Rufus: *sigh* “I can’t use children, I can’t use baby animals, I can’t use regular babies, I can’t use grown-up animals—“

Lark: “What’s that last one?”

Rufus: “Er… Nothing. I was never planning to use horses or monkeys in my cigarette advertising.”

Lark: “RUFUS!”

Rufus: “Fine, fine!” *sigh* “If it makes you happy, I’m not doing that great anymore.”

Sephiroth: “Hallelujah.”

Rufus: “It seems I’ve flooded the market with too many of my great products. I’ll have to back off for awhile and relax in my underwater bungalow.”

Auron: “That’s what happens when you put too many things out at once.”

Sephiroth: “You really bought an underwater bungalow?”

Rufus: “Yes.”

Sephiroth: “…Can I see it?”

Rufus: “No.”

Sephiroth: “Why the hell not?”

Rufus: “’Cause you hate me!”

Vincent: “Can I see it?”

Rufus: “Yes.”

Lark: “Can I?”

Rufus: “Yes.”

Brady: “How about me?”

Rufus: “Sure.”

Auron: “And me?”

Rufus: “Sure! We’ll have a big party!”

Sephiroth: “Without me??”

Rufus: “Yes. Now go watch more of the Bachelor.”

Sephiroth: “Damn you, Shinra!”

 

THE END

(loser land story to be continued.)

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