#124 – Fat Becomes Her

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I think I ate my fork!”

Originally Published: 7/11/04 . 21 pages

Synopsis
Seymour’s friend, LeBlanc, comes for a visit and falls in love with Heidegger! Meanwhile at the ramble room, Zell accidentally chokes to death, and it’s up to Reno, Irvine and Sephiroth to find a phoenix down!

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

This is LeBlanc’s one and only appearance. I love Final Fantasy X-2, but she is one of the most obnoxious characters, so it was fun to make her crazy. I’m a big fan of this ramble and it’s simple yet hilarious sub-plot. Some day he’ll be a real bear.

(we open in loser land. There we have kuja reading cosmopolitan, hojo is reading pervert scientist weekly, scarlet is reading 562 ways to dye your hair for cheap, nida is reading the monthly garden newsletter, heidegger and stinky are watching a cooking show on television, seymour is primping and kefka is nowhere in sight.)

Kuja: “Seymour, what on earth are you doing wasting your time like that? Heidegger will lose 500 pounds before anyone finds you the least bit attractive.”

Heidegger: *points to the tv* “Gya haa haa! Stir fry!”

Seymour: “For your information, Kuja, I have a friend visiting today.”

Kuja: “You? Friends? I’d like to see that one.”

Scarlet: “Yeah. None of us do too well in that department.”

Kuja: “Speak for yourself.  I have several close friends.”

Nida: “Yeah, whore! I have tons of friends!! In fact, according to this official Garden poll, I’m the most popular guy in Garden!” *holds out poll*

Scarlet: *leaning over to read it* “No it doesn’t. It says Squall’s the most popular. You just crossed out his name and put yours.”

Nida: *pulling the newsletter out of her view* “No! It was a typo! I’m just adjusting it the way it was supposed to be!”

Scarlet: “Right. And Heidegger is big boned.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! What a lie!”

Kuja: “Personally, I would be less concerned with Nida changing around the truth in his child’s newsletter and more concerned with Hojo’s daily reading.”

Hojo: *putting down his magazine* “Pardon? Oh, this old thing?” *nudges it until it falls into a trashcan* “That’s not mine. I found it…in the gutter. I thought there might be an article about…gardening…yes…gardening, with the flowers and the vegetables and the miracle grow and so on and so forth, so I picked it up.”

Scarlet: “…Yeah. Like I said: Heidegger. Big bones.”

Heidegger: “Lies, all of it! Gya haa haa!”

(there is a knock at the door. as usual, everyone sits around looking confused for a moment.)

Hojo: “…It’s the door.”

Everyone else: *blink blink*

Hojo: “…The one over there.”

Seymour: “Ahh!! It must be LeBlanc!”

(he gets up and answers the door. and sure enough, there stands leblanc from ffx-2. in case you have not played the game, allow me to briefly describe: a woman with short blonde hair who wears an outfit similar to seymours and has a heart tattooed between her boobs.)

Leblanc: “Seymour, love!”

Seymour: “LeBlanc!”

(they hug)

Seymour: “How’s my house doing?”

Leblanc: “Simply lovely, love. I hardly changed a thing. I even left the portraits of your dead relatives on the walls.”

Scarlet: “Whoa… Wait a minute… *She* lives in your old house?”

Seymour: “Yes.”

Kuja: “And she has the exact same fashion sense as you. Sickening.”

Leblanc: “I will not be insulted! Seymour, who are these bossy friends of yours?”

Seymour: “I would hardly use the word friend, LeBlanc, but if you must know, meet Hojo, Scarlet, Nida, Kuja, Stinky and Heidegger.”

(leblanc lays eyes on heidegger and her eyes turn into hearts.)

Leblanc: “I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.”

Scarlet: *whispers to nida* “Tell me she’s not looking at who I think she’s looking at.”

Nida: *whispers* “I’d be more comfortable with her looking at the skunk.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Nice to meet you!”

LeBlanc: *running a hand down his arm* “It’s nice to meet a nice…strong man for a change.”

Kuja: “I guess when you hang around Seymour even a fish starts to look masculine.”

Nida: “Look who’s talking- you’re wearing a tutu.”

Kuja: “Point.”

 

 

  ……………………………………………………………………………………….

 

(meanwhile, in the ramble room, a small group has gathered and they are all busying themselves with their various activities. Sephiroth and vincent are reading how to rekindle your love. Sephiroth does not look too happy about it. Auron is carving something out of wood. Zell is sitting next to sephiroth, happily eating a hot dog. Squall is asleep at the table. Rufus and algus are playing Parcheesi, and reno and irvine are watching television.)

Sephiroth: *whining* “Vinnnncennnnt… This book sucks… Can’t we read *my* book?”

Vincent: “Angel, our relationship needs a tune-up. The great big book of torture devices can wait.”

Sephiroth: *pouts*

Auron: “It is important to think of new ways to rekindle a relationship in order to keep it fresh.”

Sephiroth: “Shut up, Auroran. What was the last book you and your hand read together? The back of the Vaseline tub?”

Auron: “Decidedly unfunny. It is unfortunate that you do not treasure the relationship that you are fortunate enough to have.”

Zell: *taking a bite of hot dog* “Yeah, ‘Roth! He’s right!”

Sephiroth: *nudges zell really hard* “Don’t agree with Auroran!”

(sephiroth doesnt quite realize what he has just done. Hes shoved zell so hard that zell is now choking on his bit of hot dog. Does anyone notice? No.)

Reno: “These commercials are boring! I don’t see anyone having fun with beer!”

Zell: *gasp*

Irvine: “Yeah, when’s America’s Sexiest Prisoners gonna come back on?”

Zell: *choke*

Algus: “Rufus, I have again won. That’s 1,000 gil.”

Zell: *turns blue*

Rufus: “I never promised that!”

Zell: *turns bluer*

Algus: “Yes you did. I have it right here. In writing.”

Zell: *choke*

Rufus: “Yeah, but… You cheated. So no deal. Article III dash 5 says that if any cheating takes place, the contract is void.”

Zell: *gasp*

Algus: “You cannot prove that I cheated.”

Rufus: “Article III dash 6 says that even if cheating is suspected, I don’t have to pay up.”

Zell: *makes a frantic gesture*

Algus: “Well that isn’t a very fair clause. You can call cheating just because you don’t want to pay.”

Zell: *keels over*

Rufus: “Exactly.”

Zell: *dead*

Sephiroth: “Hey, what happened to dumb boy?” *pokes zell* “Hello? You alive, or what?”

Zell: *doesn’t move*

Sephiroth: “Oh, crap. Zell’s dead.”

Rufus: “He’s dead?”

Reno: “How did he die?”

Irvine: “What did you do, Sephiroth?”

Sephiroth: “Nothing! I was just sitting here reading my stupid gay book the whole time!”

Auron: “You did nudge him rather roughly. Perhaps you made him choke on his hot dog.”

Algus: “So you did kill him.”

Sephiroth: “….!” *pause* “B-but it wasn’t on purpose this time!”

Irvine: “Guess we should get the hot dog outta his throat and find a phoenix down.”

Rufus: “You know, I can’t help but think this was a fitting way for him to die.”

Algus: “How’s that?”

Rufus: “That was a Rufus brand hot dog. He’s always wanted one of those down his throat, if you know what I mean. Wink wink.”

Algus: “Ew.”

Reno: *poking squall awake* “Hey, dude. Your best friend’s dead.”

Squall: *snore* “…Whatever…” *falls back asleep*

(the guys get to work clearing zells throat)

 

………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

(back in loser land heidegger and stinky sit on the couch still watching their cooking program. Leblanc sits next to him, staring at him with a loving look. Seymour sits next to her, but even he looks a little disgusted. Nida, scarlet, hojo and kuja stand in a cluster across the room, looking on in complete disgust.)

Nida: *whispers* “This has been going on for three hours!”

Scarlet: *whispers back* “I can’t believe she hasn’t passed out from the smell yet.”

Kuja: “Really. He took a bath in fish heads this morning.”

Hojo: “I was wondering who got to that before I did!”

Kuja: “Yeah, and then he ate them.”

Hojo: “Damn!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I wish I could cook like that!”

Leblanc: “You can’t cook?”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! No one around here can!”

Leblanc: *thoughtfully* “Is that so…”

Scarlet: “Hey, what does he mean no one can cook? I made that stew that one time!”

Nida: “It tasted like an old shoe!”

Scarlet: “Well, that *was* one of the ingredients…”

Kuja: “Are you sure you got that from a cookbook?”

Scarlet: “I don’t know, it came off Hojo’s bookshelf.”

Hojo: “Ah! I was wondering where my ‘Book of Nasty Concoctions’ went.”

Scarlet and Nida: “Ewwww!!”

Nida: “You whore, didn’t you read the title of the book first?”

Scarlet: “I thought it said ‘tasty’ concoctions!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Slice and dice!”

Leblanc: “I like someone with a healthy appetite.”

Kuja: “Then she should find hippo’s irresistible.”

Scarlet: “Hey, as far as me and National Geographic are concerned, Heidegger’s close enough.”

Seymour: “Leblanc, haven’t you had enough of watching these cooking shows? Why don’t we go out shopping or something?”

Leblanc: “I’m afraid I’m just not in the mood for shopping right now, Seymour, love.” *dreamy sigh* “There’s only one thing occupying my mind right now…”

Scarlet: “If any part of that involves Heidegger naked, I’m calling the crazy house right now.”

Nida: “I have their number on speed dial.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I’m hungry now!!”

Scarlet: “Hurry! Hide anything that can fit in his mouth!”

Hojo: “Or soft enough to be broken into bite sized bits.”

Leblanc: “Nonsense! He doesn’t have to just eat random objects! I’ll be happy to cook for you, Heidegger, love.”

Scarlet: “Oh my god, she’s out of her freakin’ mind!”

Nida: “I’ll get the phone.”

Kuja: “Uh, Leblink—“

Seymour: “It’s Le*blanc*.”

Kuja: “…Whatever. Anyway, I don’t think you quite understand what kind of project you’re about to undertake.”

Hojo: “He might eat for a week straight.”

Scarlet: “We’ve seen it before.”

Nida: *holding the phone to his ear* “Yeah! Like a hundred times!” *into the phone* “Oh, hey, Doris. It’s me. Just a heads up. How’s everyone at the nut house?”

Leblanc: “Oh, it’s fine. I don’t mind at all. Which way to the kitchen?”

(nida, scarlet, kuja, hojo, seymour and stinky all wordlessly point in the direction of the kitchen.)

Leblanc: *getting up* “Come on, Heidegger, love. You can show me what your favorite foods are…and then I’ll show you mine.”

(she, heidegger and stinky go off.)

Kuja: “Maybe when she finds out that Heidegger’s favorites include the wood food group, she’ll back off.”

Seymour: “I’ve never seen her fall this hard for anyone so fast – or this disgusting, for that matter.”

Nida: *still on the phone* “Has she had any symptoms of depression, any previous break-ups or other nutty behavior?”

Seymour: “No, why?”

Nida: “’Cause then we can commit her.”

Seymour: “No, stop that!” *he takes the phone and slams it down*

Nida: “Oh! Poor Doris always gets hung up on!”

Seymour: “No crazy house! Leblanc’s fine! She’s just…different.”

Scarlet: “Yeah. So’s Heidegger.”

Hojo: “We’re all different!”

Kuja: “That’s why we’re *here*.”

Nida: “So what are we gonna do about your friend, Seymour?”

Seymour: “…I’m sure this is just a passing fancy. By tomorrow she’ll have moved on to someone else.”

 

………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

(meanwhile, back in the ramble room)

Irvine: *throwing something in a trash can* “There we go. All clear.”

Reno: “Now for the phoenix down.” *pats his sides* “Hm… I’m all out.”

Irvine: “Me too. I drank ‘em all when I was drunk. I thought it was booze.”

Reno: “Anyone here gotta phoenix down?”

Rufus: “Sorry, can’t help you.”

Algus: “Nor can I.”

Auron: “I’m afraid I am not carrying any myself.”

Vincent: “My regrets as well.”

Sephiroth: “I don’t have any of those things. I don’t die every other day like some people.”

Reno: *poking squall* “Hey, Squall. Got phoenix downs?”

Squall: *yawn* “No. Whatever.” *goes back to sleep*

Reno: “Crap. Guess we’ll have to go look for one.”

Rufus: “Final Fantasy 13: The Last Phoenix down. Starring drunk and drunkier. Will the two brainless drunks be able to find the last phoenix down to save their stupid, gay friend before it’s too late?” *smiles* “I gotta copyright that.”

Sephiroth: “Have fun on your adventure, kids. Send me a postcard.”

Irvine: “Oh, you’re helping, Sephiroth.”

Sephiroth: “Why the hell should I?”

Reno: “’Cause you got us into this mess to begin with!”

Sephiroth: “Crap. Fine. But only because I don’t want to read this stupid book anymore.”

Vincent: *frowns*

Reno: “I bet you Tseng has some. Let’s go.”

(and so sephiroth, reno and irvine venture forth into the unknown of tseng and reeves room)

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(meanwhile, back in loser land, leblanc has prepared a lavish feast featuring a lot of different kinds of food. Heidegger sits at the table, a napkin tied around his neck, a knife in one hand and a fork in the other. Kuja, hojo, seymour, nida and scarlet just stand back and watch.)

Seymour: “That certainly is a lot of food, Leblanc.”

Scarlet: “Yeah. Plan on sharing any with the rest of us?”

Leblanc: “No! It’s only for Heideewhigy.”

Nida: “…Heideewhigy?”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Feast of kings!”

Leblanc: “Dig in, love!”

(and dig in he does. Heidegger eats so fast all everyone can do is see a blur as they watch in disgust. The only one not looking disgusted is, of course, leblanc, who watches lovingly.)

Leblanc: “It’s like poetry in motion.”

Scarlet: “That’s some sick poetry.”

Seymour: “Ugh! I think I’m gonna be sick!”

Nida: *is timing with his watch* “I say all the food is gone in 60 seconds. Any other bets?”

Kuja: “45.”

Hojo: “30.”

(they all watch in disgust. Nida continues to time. All you see is a blur of food and sounds of barely chewing and chomping. Finally, heidegger stops and the blur vanishes. The table is a wreck, and all the food is gone. Even some dishes are missing)

Nida: “30 seconds! Hojo wins!”

Hojo: *drums fingers together* “Excellent…”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I think I ate my fork!”

Leblanc: *putting her arms around him* “That’s okay, love. There are plenty more utensils where that came from.”

Scarlet: “Not at this rate.”

Leblanc: *whispers sexily into heidegger’s ear* “Now how about desert in the bedroom?”

Seymour, Nida, Scarlet, Kuja and Hojo: *jaw drops*

Scarlet: “She can’t be serious.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I love desert!”

(everyone watches in horror as they go off together. As soon as theyre out of sight)

Everyone: “Ewwwww!!!”

Scarlet: “Even I wouldn’t have sex with him….again.”

Nida: “I’d rather have sex with Hojo!”

Hojo: “Hmmm… Really now?”

Kuja and Seymour: “I’d rather have sex with him!” *they point to each other*

Seymour: “Well excuse ME. You could do a lot worse.”

Kuja: “Same here. More like you WISH you could have sex with me.”

Seymour: “No, that’s what you were thinking about me.”

Kuja: “No, that’s what you—“

Scarlet: “Okay, sweethearts, that’s enough of that.” *sigh* “Seymour, don’t you value your friend’s life? She could easily get crushed to death by him if he accidentally rolls over on her!”

Nida: “Once he sat on a folding chair, and the whole thing fell to pieces. And then those pieces fell into pieces, and those pieces broke into more pieces.”

Seymour: “As much as I value Leblanc, I value my eyesight even more. After all, if I walked in there now, who knows what I could be a witness to!”

Everyone: *shudder*

Kuja: “For once he’s right.”

Nida: *shrugs* “She chose to sleep with the walrus.”

Scarlet: “Works for me. Let’s go watch some TV.”

 

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(meanwhile, back in the ramble roomreno, irvine, sephiroth, and rufus knock on the door to reeve and tsengs room.)

Reno: “What are you doing here, Rufus? I thought you were playing parcheesi.”

Rufus: “I was, but Algus keeps insisting that I owe him money, so I figured I’d better lay low for awhile until he forgets.”

Sephiroth: “You really think he’s gonna forget in like an hour?”

Rufus: “At least it gives me time to steal 1,000 gil from somebody.”

Sephiroth: “You are so cheap it’s disgusting.”

Rufus: “Thank you.”

(the door opens and tseng and reeve are both standing there.)

Tseng: “Hey, guys.”

Reeve: “What brings you here?”

Irvine: “Sephiroth killed Zell.”

Tseng: “Again? Sephiroth, Lark’s gonna be pissed.”

Sephiroth: “I didn’t do it on purpose this time! It was an accident! I have witnesses!”

Reno: “Anyway, we were wondering if you had any phoenix downs.”

Tseng: “Nope, sorry.”

Reeve: “Yeah, Cait Sith tied me up and threatened to kill me, and then he made me watch him pour all the phoenix downs down the drain while he laughed in my face. But then Tseng rescued me.”

Tseng: *under his breath* “I thought we were never gonna talk about that again.”

Reeve: “Oops. Sorry.”

Tseng: “You might want to ask Tifa. Cloud’s always accidentally killing himself so she orders them by the gross.”

Reno: “We’ll do that. Thanks a lot.”

(and so our heroes journey on)

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

(meanwhile, back in loser land about a half an hour has gone by. Everyone sits together on the couch, watching some science guy on tv rambling on about something. Everyone looks bored, except hojo, who is excitedly copying down everything the guy says.)

Nida: “Can we change the channel now? I’m bored!”

Hojo: “Quiet, boy! This is important!”

(then leblanc and heidegger come into the room, wearing only robes. Leblanc is wearing one of heideggers robes and it is waaaaaaay too big on her. Shes hanging off his arm and gazing at him lovingly.)

Leblanc: “That was the best four and a half minutes of my life.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Stallion!”

Everyone: *shudder*

Seymour: “Uh, Leblanc, now that you’ve…uh…had some…uh…fun…why don’t we go out and do something together?”

Leblanc: “Oh no, Seymour, love! I can’t possibly leave my Hideewhigy!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! McDonald’s!”

Nida: “You fat slob! You just ate enough to feed a small country!”

Leblanc: “Nonsense! What my Hideewhigy wants, my Hideewhigy gets.” *bats eyelashes at heidegger* “Let’s go get dressed, love.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Pyramid of Happy Meals!”

(they return back to his room.)

Scarlet: “Guess we should call ahead to McDonald’s and warn them. They got pretty mad when we forgot last time.” *goes to reach for the phone*

Seymour: “No!” *stops her* “We have to do something about Leblanc! I can’t have her being a slave to that…that…that…”

Kuja: “Overweight walrus?”

Seymour: “Yes! So what should we do?”

?????: “Heheheheheheheheheeeeeeee!”

(kefka suddenly appears out of nowhere in full clown get-up. Everyone screams and dives for a hiding place. Kefka shrugs, sits on the couch, picks up a magazine, and starts eating it.)

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(meanwhile, back at the ramble room, our group of irvine, rufus, reno and seph have finally found tifa, who is trying to get her gloves away from cloud)

Tifa: “Cloud, sweetie, give me back my gloves… Those are not for you.”

Cloud: *putting them on* “Ooh… Snug and warm.”

Tifa: “No, Cloud. Put that down.”

Reno: “Hey, Tifa.”

Tifa: “Oh, hey, Reno. Guys.”

Sephiroth: “What’s that imbecile doing now?”

Tifa: “I put my gloves down for a second to wash my hands and he grabbed them. Now he won’t give them back!”

Sephiroth: “I don’t know how that idiot beat me. That game was rigged, I tell you.”

Reno: “Anyway, Tifa, we were wondering… Do you have any phoenix downs? Sephiroth killed Zell.”

Tifa: “Again?”

Sephiroth: “Accident!”

Tifa: “Oh, well sure. I have…”

Cloud: “Boom!” *he punches himself in the face 9999 shows above his head and he falls to the ground dead*

Tifa: “Oh, crap! Cloud!”

(she runs over, pulls a phoenix down out of her pocket, and gives it to cloud. He comes awake slowly.)

Cloud: “Where am I?”

Tifa: *smiles* “All better.” *takes the gloves away and puts them back on*

Rufus: “So, about the phoenix down…”

Tifa: *pats her sides* “Oh… I’m sorry. I seem to be out of them.”

Irvine: “Damn.”

Tifa: “Sorry, guys. But I gotta run and place another order before Cloud has another accident. See ya later.” *starts dragging cloud along* “C’mon, Cloud.” *they leave*

Sephiroth: “Dammit. That stupid idiot. What kind of idiot punches themselves in the face?”

Irvine: “What now?”

Reno: “We keep looking.” *sigh* “Let’s go.”

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(meanwhile, back in loser land, kefka is still sitting on the couch, eating a magazine. Everyone else is still hiding. Nida and scarlet are behind one couch, kuja and seymour are behind another. Hojo is behind a plant.)

Nida: *whispers* “What’s that he’s eating?”

Scarlet: *whispers* “I think it’s your garden newsletter.”

Nida: *softly* “Crap! There was a sentence about me in there that I didn’t clip yet!”

Scarlet: *softly* “You mean that mention of you in the campus crime section waiting outside Squall’s room with a baseball bat?”

Nida: *softly* “Shut up, whore!”

(then leblanc and heidegger come out, dressed. Leblanc is still hanging off heideggers arm, gazing at him lovingly.)

Leblanc: “It sure is sexy watching you struggle to put your pants on, Hideewhigy!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I have to special order from the special store! Gya haa haa!”

Kefka: “Hee heeeeee!! KAAAAAAHAAAAAA!” *shoves a crumpled up magazine page in his mouth*

Leblanc: “Huh?”

(She looks over at kefka, watching him shove more paper into his mouth. Suddenly, her mouth drops open and her eyes turn to hearts.)

Leblanc: “I’ve never seen anything so beautiful…”

Seymour: *softly* “I hope she’s talking about the couch…”

Kuja: *softly* “I hope not. Hojo pulled it out of the dumpster.”

(leblanc unattaches herself from heidegger and goes over to kefka with a sexy swagger.)

Leblanc: “What’s your name, sexy?”

Kefka: *looks her over* “Heheheheheeee! Wrong species!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Kefka’s worse than me!”

Leblanc: “Kefka, huh?” *she sits down next to him* “That’s a sexy name.”

Kefka: *hisses at her and jumps over the couch running out the door*

Leblanc: *running after him out the door* “Wait, Kefka!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!”

(theyre both gone. Everyone else gets up, and hojo shuts the door.)

Scarlet: “I never thought I’d say this, but… Heidegger was definitely the better choice.”

Nida: “Than Kefka? Hojo’s a better choice!”

Hojo: *puts an arm around nida* “That’s the second time you’ve mentioned me today, sweet boy.”

Nida: *cringes and moves away* “Ewwww!!! Don’t ever touch me again!”

Seymour: *sigh* “I don’t get it. What happened? She never used to be like this.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I get laid more than Nida!”

Nida: “Shut up, lard!”

Scarlet: “Ew… He’s right.”

Nida: “Shut up, whore!”

Scarlet: “I can’t believe she went after Kefka.”

Kuja: “She might get eaten.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I’m hungry!”

Nida: *rolls eyes* “Yeah, he’s heartbroken.”

Scarlet: “I really don’t think he feels anything but hunger.”

Hojo: “I’m feeling hungry myself.”

Kuja: “Me too.”

Nida: “Yeah, me too.”

Seymour: “I could eat.”

Scarlet: “…Me too. I’ll call McDonald’s.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I’m lovin’ it!”

 

………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

(finally, we return to the ramble room, where our boys are looking tired.)

Irvine: “We’ve talked to EVERYONE and NO ONE has a stupid phoenix down.”

Reno: “Some bunch of heroes we are.”

Sephiroth: “I wish those guys were so unprepared when they came to fight me.”

Rufus: “Oh well. You’ll have to order some and wait till they come in. In the meantime, you can keep his body on the porch swing and scare people away with it.” *his watch beeps* “Ooh, it’s time for Mr. Jingles bath!” *he takes a phoenix down out of his jacket and starts to shake it, still looking at his watch* “Today is his lavender bath.”

Reno, Irvine and Sephiroth: “Rufus!!!”

Rufus: *looks up confused* “Huh?”

Sephiroth: *grabs the phoenix down from him* “What the hell is this?”

Rufus: “…It’s for Mr. Jingles’ bath.”

Reno: “You had this the whole time and didn’t say anything?!?!”

Rufus: “That’s for Mr. Jingles’ bath!”

Irvine: “You bathe your stuffed animal with a phoenix down?!?!”

Rufus: “Someday he’ll be a real bear!!”

Reno: “Rufus… Thanks for wasting several hours I could have spent drinking.”

Rufus: “You’re welcome.”

Reno: “I’m being sarcastic.”

Rufus: “Whatever. Can I have that back now?” *reaches for the phoenix down*

Sephiroth: “No!!! We’re giving this to Zell. Mr. Jingles’ bath will have to wait.”

Rufus: *pouts* “Easy for you to say. You don’t have to deal with him.”

(so the four of them go back to zell and give him the phoenix down. He wakes up)

Zell: *rubs his head* “Ugh… What happened?”

Reno: “Sephiroth accidentally killed you.”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, but it’s Rufus’ fault you stayed dead so long.”

Zell: “…Huh?”

Irvine: “Never mind, dude. It’s good to have you back.”

Zell: “Thanks, but…where’s my hot dog?”

Irvine: “Sorry, man. There’s none left.”

Zell: “Crap! We’re always outta stuff around here.”

Irvine, Reno and Sephiroth: “You’re telling me.”

THE END

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