#118 – Bidding On the Birthday Girl

Reno: “I dunno, man. It’s one of the mysteries of the ramble room.”
Originally Published: 4/18/02 . 31 pages
Synopsis
Sephiroth is determined to make Lark break her vow! Will he be successful?

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

The beginning is a poke at myself for there being a lapse between rambles. This was the beginning of when I started getting busy with other things and stopped writing all the time. Of course, the worst lapses were yet to come. This was also written when I was having problems with my computer and had to use my first laptop instead. But I like this ramble anyway, it’s always fun to watch Sephiroth scheme. Oh, and enjoy your small amount of screen time while it lasts, Tidus and Wakka.

(ramble room. Lark, seph, auron, vin, rufus, algus, zidane, reeve, tseng, edgar, setzer, reno, and Irvine are all sitting around.)

Reno: “Boy, we sure got ourselves into a lot of trouble lately!”

Irvine: “Yeah! Good thing we managed to get the charges dropped!”

Sephiroth: “My head hurts from all the excitement around here lately.”

Lark: “Yeah. And yet I’ve still managed not to break my vow.”

Sephiroth: *eyes narrow* “Yeah.”

Zidane: “Oh, hey! And it’s almost your 20th birthday, Lark!”

Lark: “Yup!” *frown* “Hope you guys aren’t planning anything like last year.”

Reeve: “Can you believe it’s been a year since we’ve been on TV?”

Tseng: “And I’m still getting fan mail.” *sweat drop*

Sephiroth: “And I’m still getting hate mail.”

(then bryatt enters with zell.)

Zell: “Mail call!”

Auron: “What timing.”

Bryatt: “Let’s see… Sephiroth, here’s your mail.” *gives seph mail*

Sephiroth: “MORE hate mail?!” *sniff* “Vincent… I’m not feeling happy…”

Vincent: “Look, angel. There’s some fan mail on the bottom.”

Sephiroth: “Yay!” *looks* “Wait… This isn’t fan mail…” *sigh* “It’s just my stalkers.”

Zell: “I gotta stack of new bills for ya, Rufus!” *hands them over*

Rufus: *glumly* “Hooray.”

Bryatt: “Reno, you’re being called for jury duty.”

Reno: *snorts and rips it up* “The only time I go to court is when I’m on trial.”

Zell: “Wow, you sure gotta lotta fan mail today, Tseng!” *gives him a pile*

Reeve: *frowns*

Zell: “Don’t worry, Reeve! You got your new issue of ‘Architect Geeks’.”

Reeve: “My husband gets pictures of naked men, and I get the magazine full of buildings.”

Tseng: “Reeve… I don’t look at the pictures.”

Reeve: “Uh…”

Tseng: “Have you been going through my trash again?”

Bryatt: “Oh, Setzer, here’s your new issue of “Out” magazine.”

Setzer: *hides it* “Uh…you mean “Out and About” magazine, Bryatt. As in…uh… I’m a man about town.”

Zell: “Hey, look! You gotta letter, Lark!”

Lark: “Ooh… Maybe it’s a birthday card!” *opens and reads it* “My Dearest Lark, I heard you’ve had a bit of money troubles lately, I hope this’ll help you a bit. If you need me, I’ll be visiting my boyfriend. Hugs ‘n’ kisses….” *pause* “Oh, my friend Bloodrose! Aw, and he gave me money!” *blink blink* “Wait… Boyfriend? …Who’s his boyfriend?”

Everyone: *looks at tseng*

Tseng: “Why does everyone always look at me?”

Bryatt: “Because you’re skanky, dear, but we love you anyway.”

Lark: “Oh wait… I know who it is…”

……………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, in loser land, heidegger is playing the card game war with stinky. Kefka is standing on his head, Seymour is reading modern bride magazine. Scarlet is flipping tv channels with nida. Hojo is taping a big box shut and kuja is simply lounging.)

Heidegger: *slaps down jack* “Gya haa haa! Jack!”

Stinky: *slaps down a queen and snorts*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Loser!” *eats card*

Nida: “You idiot! You’re not supposed to eat the losing card! The winner’s supposed to take it!”

Heidegger: “Our way is yummier! Gya haa haa!”

Scarlet: “There’s nothing on… …Hojo. What are you doing?”

Hojo: *struggling to get down the last of the tape as the box shakes like mad* “Trying…to…keep this thing….contained.” *sighs and wipes brow* “There. That should do it.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Licky licky!”

Hojo: “No, actually. This is an entirely new creation.”

Scarlet: “…Okay then. What is KEFKA doing?”

Kefka: “Letting the blood rush to my head! Hehehehehe!”

Kuja: “Good. Maybe he’ll die.” *sees Seymour* “Seymour, what on earth are you doing? Don’t kid yourself. I’ll be a bride before you even get a boyfriend.”

Seymour: *glares at him* “I’ve never seen YOU with a boyfriend.”

Hojo: *goes to speak*

Seymour: “Hojo, certainly, does not count.”

Kuja: “Shows what you know. As a matter of fact, I DO have a boyfriend.”

Scarlet: “Really?”

Hojo: “Are you joking?”

Kuja: “I most certainly am not. In fact, he’s coming to visit today.”

Hojo: *whimpers*

Scarlet: *dumbfounded* “You mean to say you’ve been here for over a year without telling us you had a boyfriend?”

Kuja: “No one asked.”

Seymour: “But you’ve been cheating on him with Hojo.”

Kuja: “No. I’ve been earning a living.”

Scarlet: “And they call ME the whore.”

Seymour: “I bet your boyfriend is ugly like you are.”

Kuja: “Do you honestly think I’D be seen with anyone ugly?”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! That’s why he avoids me like the plague!”

Scarlet: “So how did you and this mystery guy meet, Kuja?”

Seymour: “Probably in a plastic surgeon’s office.”

Kuja: “NO. I met him at the mall. We both reached for the last bottle of country apple shower gel and it was lust at first sight.”

Nida: “Who got the bottle?”

Kuja: “I did, of course.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Apples are yummy!”

Stinky: *agreeing snort*

Kefka: “I prefer deer liver myself! Hehehehe!”

Scarlet: “…Right. So when’s boy wonder gonna be here, Kuja?”

(theres a knock at the door.)

Kuja: “I’m not sure.”

Hojo: “…There was just a knock at the door.”

Nida: “There was?”

Hojo: “Yes! Won’t you people ever learn?”

Nida: “I thought it was a woodpecker!”

Kuja: “Ooh… Maybe that’s Bloodrose.”

Hojo: “Uh… On second thought, maybe it WAS a woodpecker.”

Kuja: *blink blink* “Pardon?”

Hojo: *nervous laughter* “I think Nida was right, my dear. It was just a woodpecker. If we ignore it, it’ll go away.”

Nida: *beams* “I’m always right.”

(theres another knock)

Hojo: “Oh, that damned bird.” *loudly* “Go away!”

?????????: *from outside* “I’m here to see Kuja!”

Kuja: “…Hojo, that’s my boyfriend.”

Hojo: *nervous laugh* “Oh, no, my dear. It’s just a talking bird. You’re starting to attract them like a Disney Princess.”

Kuja: “…Right.”

Hojo: *sings* “I know you, I’ve walked with you once upon a dream.”

Kuja: “I’m getting the door.” *gets up*

Hojo: *frantically* “Uh…” *sings* “I know you…uh…” *says* “Take it, Heidegger!”

Heidegger: *to the tune of ‘this old man’* “Gya haa haa! Gya haa haa! Gya haa haa haa haa haa haa!”

Scarlet: “Oh god, shut up!”

Kuja: “Please! No acting freaky in front of my boyfriend!”

Kefka: “Hehehe! Snackers!” *disappears*

Nida: “Well there goes half the problem.”

(kuja opens the door and in walks bloodrose.)

Kuja: “At last! Someone to talk to!” *they kiss*

Bloodrose: “Not to mention something else, eh?” *smiles*

Hojo: *frown*

Scarlet: “How about some introductions?”

Kuja: *dragging bloodrose away* “How about I just show Bloodrose the interior of my bedroom for an hour or two?”

(they leave)

Nida: “What’s so interesting to look at for an hour?”

Scarlet: *smacks him*

Nida: “Ow!”

Hojo: “How could my angel betray me? After all I did for him! How could he go off with that gorgeous, able bodied young man!?” *sniff*

Scarlet: “I’m surprised you didn’t run off to your camera room to watch.”

Hojo: *moving towards the door* “I’m too” *sniff* “upset. I’m going to just” *sniff* “go off and” *sniff* “sulk” *sniff* “in the” *sniff* “camera room.” *he leaves*

Scarlet: “Well, part of him won’t be upset for long.”

Nida: “Which part?” *scarlet smacks him* “Ow!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile, back in ramble land, sephiroth is in his room, pacing. Auron and vin are there too, of course, sitting on the bed.)

Sephiroth: “This isn’t good. Lark’s birthday is tomorrow and she’s actually kept that stupid vow!”

Auron: “It seems she is a girl of her word.”

Sephiroth: “Who is she trying to fool?!”

Vincent: “If no one wins, do you have to give the money back, angel?”

Sephiroth: “That won’t happen, Vincent. I’m going to win.”

Auron: “Well, you did buy up all the days surrounding her birthday.”

Sephiroth: “Of course I did. That’s why I need to come up with a plan.” *thinks*

Auron: *strokes vin’s hair* “Maybe we should leave him alone.”

Sephiroth: “If anyone’s leaving, it’s you pal—alone.”

Auron: “Pardon?”

Sephiroth: “I wanna be alone with Vincent. Hit the road.”

Auron: *frowns* “Very well. I will respect your wishes. Come find me when you’re through talking.”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, sure. If I hit my head and forget you’re a jerk before we’re through, I’ll let you know.”

Auron: “……” *he leaves*

Vincent: “Angel, you shouldn’t be so rude.”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, sure. I’ll just stand back and let him molest you right in front of me.”

Vincent: “Angel, that wouldn’t happen.” *pause* “So.” *pause* “Do you want to make out?”

Sephiroth: “Vin… I wanted to talk.”

Vincent: “…Oh.” *frowns*

Sephiroth: “…Fine. We’ll talk later.” *jumps him*

 ………………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile, in the ramble room, a little later)

Reno: “I think today should be Sex Day.”

Irvine: “The day’s half over, man.”

Reno: “But there’s plenty of time left! Let’s go tell everyone.”

Irvine: “But who am I gonna have sex with? You haven’t given me any notice!”

Reno: “What about Lark?”

Irvine: “No! She’s still on that stupid vow for one more day, remember?”

Reno: “Oh right. That sucks. Don’t worry—you’ll find someone.”

(they come upon setzer and edgar in the hallway)

Reno: “Hey, you guys. Guess what? Today is an official Sex Day!”

Irvine: “There’s still plenty of time to find some chicks and celebrate!”

Setzer: “Oh… It’s sex day, huh?”

Edgar: “How lovely…” *glances at setzer* “Shall we go to my room and discuss plans?”

Setzer: “Oh yes. No time to waste.” *they quickly go off*

Reno: “See! Everyone loves a good Sex Day!”

(next they knock on the door to reeve and tsengs room. Tseng answers, breathless and half dressed.)

Tseng: “Hey… What’s up?”

Reno: “Hey, Tseng! Guess what? It’s Sex Day!”

Tseng: “Oh really? Well we’re waaaaaaaaay ahead of you.”

Reeve’s voice: “Hey, baby! You sending them away, or what?”

Tseng: *grin* “Coming, honey.” *shuts door*

Irvine: “…Sometimes… ….I wish I was gay.”

Reno: “Me too, man. Guys are easy.”

Irvine: “So what girl am I gonna hook up with?”

Reno: “Lizzie?”

Irvine: “She’s with Laguna.”

Reno: “Katie?”

Irvine: “She’s with Locke.”

Reno: “Noelle?”

Irvine: “Dude, she’s YOUR girlfriend!”

Reno: “Oh… Right…” *pause* “Am I drunk?”

Irvine: “Probably.”

Reno: “Makes sense.”

Irvine: “So come on, man! Help a brother out!”

Reno: “I don’t know, man! What about an FF chick?”

Irvine: “Oh come on! How desperate am I?”

 ……………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, in the TV room, lark sits playing blitzball in ff10. zell, wakka and tidus surround her.)

Wakka: “Come on! Shoot, ya?”

Tidus: “Jecht shot! Jecht shot!”

(they all watch intently, before breaking into celebration.)

Lark: “Whoo hoo! Goal!”

Zell: “High five!” *lark high fives him* “Yeah!”

Wakka: “Take that, you Al Bhed!”

Tidus: “I hate their team! All they do is poison everyone!”

Lark: “Well, all the poison in the world doesn’t score goals!”

Zell: “I love blitzball. It’s so much cooler than that stupid card game Squall plays—not that Squall’s not cool or something.”

Wakka: “Zell’s gettin’ to be a great player, ya.”

Lark: “Good for you, Zell! I used to hate blitzball until I started winning.”

Tidus: “You should come see a real game sometime.”

Wakka: “Ya!”

Zell: “Yeah, Lark!” *punches air* “You can come watch me kick some blitzball ass!”

Lark: “Yeah! Definitely! When’s your next game?”

Wakka: “This afternoon, ya. You in?”

Lark: “Sure! Who you playing?”

Tidus: “Luca.”

Lark: “Great! They suck!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back in sephiroths room)

Sephiroth: *putting his clothes back on quickly* “You know, Vincent. That wasn’t making out.”

Vincent: “You started it, angel.”

Sephiroth: “…Shut up. No I didn’t. It’s your fault. Now that’s an hour gone.”

Vincent: “An hour and fifteen minutes actually.”

Sephiroth: “Aw, dammit! Dammit, Vincent! Stop being sexy!”

Vincent: “I’m sorry to be a distraction.”

Sephiroth: “It’s okay. I still have time—but not a second to waste!”

(he rushes out the door and practically smacks into reno and irvine)

Reno: “Hey, ‘Roth! Happy Sex Day!”

Sephiroth: “I’m way ahead of you.” *rushes off*

Irvine: “Dammit! Gay guys got it made!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………

(seph comes to where tidus, wakka, zell and lark are preparing to leave.)

Sephiroth: “Lark! There you are!” *pant pant* “Where ya goin’?”

Lark: “To watch a blitzball game.”

Zell: “Yeah, ‘Roth! I’m playin’! Wanna come?”

Sephiroth: *to zell* “NO.” *to lark* “Who else you going with?”

Lark: “Just Wakka and Tidus.”

Tidus: “I’ll be sure to do a Jecht shot just for you, Lark.”

Lark: “Hehe, thanks, Tidus. You’re awesome.”

Sephiroth: *lightbulb* “Isn’t he though…” *clears throat* “Why don’t you guys run ahead? I wanna speak to Tidus a minute.”

Lark: “Uh…okay. Don’t kill him.”

Sephiroth: “Of course I won’t.”

Wakka: “Hurry up, ya? We’ll be late.”

(everyone else goes, leaving tidus with seph. Seph takes twenty bucks and slaps it into tidus hand.)

Sephiroth: “Here. I’ll give you more after you have sex with her.”

Tidus: “What?”

Sephiroth: “What’s there to question? I want you to seduce Lark and sleep with her. You do it, and there’s 20 more where that came from.”

Tidus: *gives money back* “I don’t think so.”

Sephiroth: “What? Why not? I’m paying you to have sex with a hot girl! That’s every guy’s dream!”

Tidus: “Not mine.”

Sephiroth: “Are you gay?”

Tidus: “No!”

Sephiroth: “Are you sure?”

Tidus: “Yes!”

Sephiroth: “Well around here you can never be so sure.”

Tidus: “I’m leaving.” *starts to leave*

Sephiroth: “What if I make it 50?”

(tidus goes. Sephiroth frowns.)

Sephiroth: “Damn. Time to get desperate. I wonder how much change is lying on the floor…”

……………………………………………………………………………………………

(back in loser land, an hour or so later scarlet, nida, stinky and heidegger are sitting around, looking bored.)

Scarlet: “Are they ever gonna come out?”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I ate all the playing cards!”

Stinky: *snort*

Nida: “I’m bored. What’s Hojo watching?

Scarlet: “You don’t wanna know.”

Nida: “Where’s Seymour?”

Scarlet: “You don’t wanna know.”

Nida: “Where’s Kefka?”

Scarlet: “You REALLY don’t wanna know.”

(hojo reenters, looking glum)

Scarlet: “Show’s over?”

Hojo: “Yeah.” *plops down on the couch*

Scarlet: “What’s the matter with you?”

Hojo: *mumbles incoherently*

(seymour enters, trailed by an angry kuja and bloodrose)

Kuja: “It’s called *knocking*, you vein faced freak!”

Seymour: “I said I was sorry. Of course… I didn’t mean it.”

Scarlet: “I think you actually did something good for once, Seymour. Now we can meet Kuja’s boyfriend.”

Kuja: “Oh. Right.” *sigh* “Bloodrose, darling, this is everyone. Everyone, this is Bloodrose. He…doesn’t like any of you.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Obviously!”

Nida: “Hey!! Who doesn’t like me? I drive the Garden AND I’m a SeeD!”

Kuja: “…Right… He doesn’t care.”

Bloodrose: “Honey, you said we could go to the ramble room…?”

Kuja: “Oh. Right. Let’s go.” *starts to walk off* “Hojo, make my bed for me.”

Bloodrose: *pauses at the door* “It was nice me–….never mind.” *he leaves*

Nida: “I don’t believe this!”

Hojo: *sobs* “I know! He completely dumped me like nothing ever happened!”

Nida: “How can anyone not like me? I’m so cool and hip!”

Scarlet: “Nida… Face it. Everyone hates you.”

Heidegger: “Even me! Gya haa haa!”

Nida: “Well….you all…smell!” *he stomps off*

Scarlet: “He’s got great insults *and* he uses words like ‘hip’. What’s not to love?”

Seymour: “If you ask me, Kuja’s nothing but a materialistic, narcissistic manipulator.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Even Stinky knows that!”

Stinky: *nod and snorts*

Seymour: “I’m just saying, how long do you really think this boyfriend of his will stick around?”

Hojo: “Of course he will! Kuja is a picture perfect image of beauty!” *starts to plod off*

Scarlet: “Where are you going?”

Hojo: “…To make his bed.” *sigh* “At least I can smell the sheets.” *he leaves*

Scarlet: “He is a sad, sick, disgusting old man.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! And I’m fat!”

Seymour: “Kuja’s not that picture perfect image of beauty. I am.” *fixes hair*

Scarlet: “…Why am I here?”

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, back in the ramble roomreno and irvine are still walking around, telling people its sex day)

Irvine: “Reno, I think we should take back the Sex Day and save it for later.”

Reno: “Irvine, I already told mostly everyone. I can’t take it back now.”

Irvine: “Reno, if I don’t get laid on SEX day…”

Reno: “Don’t worry, man. You will.”

(shell and rude come up.)

Reno: “Hey, guys! Guess what! It’s Sex Day!”

Rude: *hits self in forehead* “Dammit.”

Shell: “Ooh! It’s a present day!” *grins* “Rude, if you wanna get some, we need to go to the mall.”

Rude: “We basically live at the mall, Shell.”

Shell: “I know.” *smile* “I’m on a first name basis with *everybody*.” *she heads off*

Rude: *goes to follow then stops next to reno* “I’m gonna get you back for this.” *follows shell*

Reno: “Man, he must be the only guy who hates Sex Day.”

Irvine: “At least he has a chick!”

Reno: “Don’t worry, man. Relax.”

(they next come upon Ashley and seifer)

Reno: “Hey guys! Happy Sex Day!”

Ashley: *groans* “Oh no. Not again!”

Seifer: “Come on, Ashley! It’s been 82 days!”

Irvine: “Since the last Sex Day?”

Seifer: “No. Since the last time we had sex.”

Ashley: “…It’s just so bad…”

Seifer: “SHUSH!” *clears throat* “Now, come on. If you don’t have sex on Sex Day…uh…you’re…uh…destined to have bad sex for the rest of your life.”

Ashley: “I dunno… I don’t think it could get much worse.”

Seifer: “Oh, it can. At least I’m not Heidegger.” *starts to drag her off*

Ashley: “Though at the rate you’re eating those cheese doodles.” *leaves*

Irvine: “Oh man. He sucks, and yet he STILL has a chick! Why are they together?”

Reno: “I dunno, man. It’s one of the mysteries of the ramble room.”

Irvine: “You better find me a chick soon, man, or I’m bound to have bad sex for the rest of my life!”

Reno: “Relax, man. He got that off one of those internet chain letters.”

Irvine: “I don’t know, man… I think some of that stuff is true. There was this one where they wanted me to think of a number, and then they asked me all these questions, and then they guessed the number I was thinking of.”

Reno: “Man…it’s not true. Hell, if you believed everything you read online I bet you’d think that I was some kind of drunken bum!”

Irvine: “Haha, you’re right, man.”

(moving along, they see bloodrose and kuja coming in.)

Reno: “Hey, Kuja! What are you doing here?”

Kuja: “I’m friends with Tseng, remember?”

Reno: “Oh…right… Well then. Who’s your friend?”

Kuja: “This is my boyfriend, Bloodrose.”

Bloodrose: “Nice to meet you.”

Reno: “Nice to meet you too, man! You’re here just in time for Sex Day!”

Bloodrose: “…Sex Day?”

Irvine: “Yeah! Guess what happens on Sex Day!”

Bloodrose: “Um…everybody has sex?”

Irvine: “This guy is good.”

Reno: “Yeah! So make sure you join in!”

Kuja: “We’re waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay ahead of you.” *he and bloodrose go off*

Irvine: “……….” *turns red*

Reno: “It’s okay, man. You’ll find someone. Someone female.”

  ………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhilesephiroth knocks on the door that reads MAFIA HQ: Members and Slaves only! a little window is slid across and we see rufus eyes.)

Rufus: “Who goes there?”

Sephiroth: “It’s me, you idiot. You’re staring right at me.”

Rufus: “…Just making sure.”

(he opens the door and lets seph in. algus in zidane are there as well.)

Sephiroth: “You’re just the man I’m looking for.”

Rufus: “Look, I’m not paying for your wedding with Vincent.”

Sephiroth: “I’m not talking to you! I’m talking to Zidane!”

Zidane: “Hooray! Are you finally gonna ask me to dinner?”

Sephiroth: “No.”

Zidane: “Are you sure?”

Sephiroth: “Yes!”

Zidane: “Dammit… I’m really hungry.”

Sephiroth: “Algus, mind if I borrow him for a second?”

Algus: “As long as you don’t give him any chocolate.”

Zidane: “It’s not my fault you didn’t want your white shoes shined with black polish!”

Algus: “You shouldn’t have done it in the dark!”

Zidane: “Well Vivi broke the light with his thunder spell.”

Sephiroth: “Let’s go, Zidane.”

(seph drags zidane outside the room.)

Zidane: “So, come on. You got any chocolate?”

Sephiroth: “No!! What’s with you and the sugar!?”

Zidane: “It gives so much and asks so little.”

Sephiroth: “Forget the candy. I want you to have sex with Lark.”

Zidane: “Okay!”

Sephiroth: “Okay, good. It’s settled then.”

Zidane: “Wait a minute… Don’t think I’m doing this for free!”

Sephiroth: “Why not? You want to do it anyway!”

Zidane: “Yeah, but I know you really, really want me to do it. So don’t think I’m gonna let you get away with being cheap.”

Sephiroth: “Fine, how many pennies do you want?” *counts what he has in his hand* “I have…five.”

Zidane: “Yeah, I don’t think so.”

Sephiroth: “What? What’s wrong with five cents?”

Zidane: “*Algus* pays me more than that.”

Sephiroth: “But Algus doesn’t pay you to have sex!”

Zidane: “Sorry, Sephiroth. I do have standards.”

Sephiroth: “He pays you in candy!”

Zidane: “Yeah, but some of it is expensive foreign candy.”

Sephiroth: “Fine. I hope you choke on it.” *he stomps off and nearly smacks right into auron*

Auron: “Pardon me.”

Sephiroth: “You! You are the LAST person I want to see right now!”

Auron: “How is your scheming coming?”

Sephiroth: “Bad! Why won’t anyone have sex with Lark? I swear I didn’t give her any disease or anything!”

Auron: “Perhaps it’s you they do not wish to cooperate with.”

Sephiroth: “Shut up, Auroran! I should have known better than to talk to you! Now, if you’ll excuse me, you’re of no use to me unless you want to have sex with Lark for money.”

Auron: “I’m afraid not. She’s not my type.”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, I know your type. The sexy vampire type with a claw, right? Yeah! That’s what I thought!”

Auron: “You did not even give me a chance to answer.”

Sephiroth: “You’re wasting my time. Who else here is easily manipulated and not gay?” *he wanders off*

Auron: “He concentrates too much on superficial things.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile kuja and bloodrose are with reeve and tseng. Tseng is handing out cocktails.)

Bloodrose: “Hey, this is a really good martini, Tseng.”

Tseng: “It should be. I drink enough of them.”

Reeve: “Kuja, why didn’t you ever mention having a boyfriend before?”

Kuja: “As I’ve said, no one asked.”

Tseng: “But isn’t that the kind of thing that comes up in conversation?”

Kuja: “In Loser land?”

Tseng: “…I withdraw my question.”

Reeve: “Hey, honey, that sounds like something I would say.”

Tseng: “Oh god, Reeve. We better not become one of those couples.”

(theres a knock at the door)

Kuja: “You have woodpeckers over here too?”

Tseng: “What?”

Reeve: “Come in!”

(lark pokes her head in)

Lark: “Hey, guys! I thought I heard extra voices.”

Bloodrose: “Hi, Lark.”

Lark: “Bloodrose!! Hi!” *they hug* “How are you?”

Bloodrose: “I’m great, thank you. Yourself?”

Lark: “Great! My birthday is tomorrow, and for once I’m *glad*.”

Bloodrose: “Happy birthday, of course.”

Lark: “Thanks! Stick around. We’re gonna have a big party tomorrow.”

Bloodrose: “I will definitely be there.”

Tseng: “Hey, Lark. Did you hear? Today’s Sex Day.”

Lark: “Not for me it’s not.”

Tseng: “Reeve and I celebrated already.”

Reeve: “…Four times…” *blush*

Tseng: “I wonder if Bryatt knows it’s Sex Day.”

Reeve: “Yeah. Where is Bryatt?”

…………………………………………………………………………………………

(well find out soon enough! a bit down the hallway, we see a glum irvine sitting outside reno and Noelles room.)

Irvine: “Reno? Are you done yet?”

Noelle’s voice: “Oh, Reno! Oh, Reno!”

Irvine: *pouts* “I guess that’s a no…”

(then bryatt comes walking by.)

Bryatt: “Hey, Irvine. What’s up?”

Noelle’s voice: “Yes, Reno!!”

Bryatt: “…Besides Reno.” *pause* “Um…am I interrupting something?”

Irvine: *sigh* “No. I’m just pissed cause it’s Sex Day and I have no one to have sex with.”

Bryatt: “It’s Sex Day!?! Dammit! And my boyfriend is god knows where.” *sigh* “I guess this Sex Day is a loss for me as well.”

Irvine: “Hey… Let me ask you a question.”

Bryatt: “Go for it.”

Irvine: “You’ve never been with a girl, right?”

Bryatt: “Right.”

Irvine: “Well…when you and your boyfriend are together…how many times a week do you do it?”

Bryatt: *grins* “I knew you were going to ask that. Well…let’s see…um…I’d say about nine times a week. Maybe ten.”

Irvine: *faints*

Bryatt: *looks down at him* “Irvine? You know I’m not responsible for any fainting, right?”

………………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhileback in loser landeveryone looks bored. Hojo isnt around. Kefka is staring hungrily at stinky.)

Scarlet: “I am so bored.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Jell-eye!” *eats playing cards*

Nida: “No, you idiot! Those are MY cards! MY cards! How am I ever gonna beat the Queen with half my cards gone!?”

Scarlet: “I’m so bored I’ll eat the cards.”

Kefka: “Me too! Hehehehehe!”

Seymour: *yawn* “You people bore me. At least Kuja keeps me amused with his amazing ability to be constantly condescending.”

Scarlet: “Where’s Hojo?”

Nida: “Maybe Kefka ate him.”

Kefka: “Hehehehe! Too slimy!”

Scarlet: “Yeah… He is slimy…”

(then who enters but hojo, of course. Hes wearing a leather jacket, his hair slicked back. Hes also wearing sunglasses and jeans that are way too baggy.)

Hojo: “Yo. What is up with my homie G’s in my crib, yo?”

Everyone: *blink blink*

Scarlet: “What the hell did you just say?”

Hojo: *sigh* “I am trying to be cool and young so that Kuja will find me attractive.”

Scarlet: “Unless you can morph entirely, no one in their right mind would find you attractive.”

Hojo: “I’ve spent the last hour or so listening to something called ‘rap music’. I believe I finally know the secret to being cool.”

Nida: “If you wanna be cool you should act like me!”

Scarlet: “I think he’d have a better chance of being cool if he acted like Kefka.”

Kefka: “Hehe! Skunk meat!”

Stinky: *hides*

Scarlet: “Hojo, give it up. You just look stupid.”

Hojo: *sigh* “I give up. I can’t compete. I’ve lost my angel forever.”

Scarlet: “Oh, relax. I’m sure as long as you keep bribing him, you’ll keep him.”

Hojo: “You’re right! Who knows how rich this ‘boyfriend’ of his is! There may be hope for me yet!” *he runs off*

Nida: “Scarlet? Do you really think there’s any hope for him?”

Scarlet: “No. I just wanted him to go away.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………

(and back in the ramble roomsephiroth is pacing around.)

Sephiroth: “This is no good… She’s gonna make it, and then what? I have to do something. Anything!!”

Lark: *enters and passes by* “Hey, Seph.”

Sephiroth: *absently* “Hey, Lark.” *pause* “Oh, Lark!” *chases after her* “Hey.”

Lark: “Uh…hi.”

Sephiroth: “Uh… Happy Sex Day.”

Lark: “Heh heh, not really.”

Sephiroth: “Oh yeah? Wanna have sex?”

Lark: “Uh… No.”

Sephiroth: “You sure?”

Lark: “Seph… Do you happen to recall my vow?”

Sephiroth: “What vow?”

Lark: “The vow to not have sex before my birthday.”

Sephiroth: “You never made a vow like that.”

Lark: “Yes I did.”

Sephiroth: “I really don’t think you did.”

Lark: “Give it up, Seph.” *walks away*

Sephiroth: “Dammit! Dammit, dammit, dammit!” *pause* “Hey… If no one wins… What *does* happen to that money?”

……………………………………………………………………………………………..

(the next day is larks 20th b-day, and everyone who matters is at the party, having a good time.)

Algus: “Did you pay for this, Rufus?”

Rufus: “No. I actually didn’t.”

Algus: “Hm. I wonder who did.”

Zidane: “I did.”

Algus: *blink blink* “Are you serious?”

Zidane: “Of course not!! I don’t even have a cent!”

Algus: “…Oh. Right.”

Bloodrose: “Oh, Kuja. I got you something.”

Kuja: “Is it worth more than the bracelet I’m currently wearing?”

Bloodrose: “Most definitely.”

Kuja: *tossing it away* “Then I’m listening.”

Bloodrose: *gives him a box* “Here you are, my darling.”

Kuja: *opens it to reveal an elaborate diamond bracelet* “Ooh… I’m impressed.” *puts it on* “Who needs Hojo when I have you?” *smile*

Lark: “Well, Seph. I made it! I kept my vow! And you know what? I think I might keep it up!”

Sephiroth: *runs a hand over his face* “Yeah, that’s great.”

Lark: “What’s the matter?”

Sephiroth: *smiles* “Nothing. I’m having a great time. Who paid for this splendid party?”

Lark: “Auron did. Isn’t that nice of him? He said he won a ton of money in a bet, and offered to foot the whole bill! Great, huh? Well, see ya!” *she dances off*

Sephiroth: *slowly turning red* “….Vincent…”

Vincent: *appears at his side* “Yes, angel.”

Sephiroth: “…Did anyone bet that Lark would KEEP her vow?”

Vincent: “Um…angel, I think there’s something you should know…”

Sephiroth: “I’m all ears.”

Vincent: “…Auron…sort of…won the bet…so…I…gave him the money.”

Sephiroth: *surging with anger* “Vincent…remind me why I love you again?”

Vincent: *whispers something in his ear*

Sephiroth: *calming* “Oh. Right.”

Vincent: “It’s too bad you couldn’t win the bet, angel.”

Sephiroth: “I know. I can’t believe I couldn’t find someone willing to have sex with Lark for money!”

Irvine: *rushing over* “Did I just hear what I thought I heard?”

Sephiroth: “Knowing you, probably not.”

Irvine: “You were offering people money to have sex with Lark?”

Sephiroth: “In fact you did hear right.”

Irvine: “Why didn’t you ask me?! Me, ‘Roth?! Good old Irvine! I had to stay celibate on Sex Day ‘cause there was no one around! No sex! On Sex Day!”

Sephiroth: “………..” *slowly turning red*

Vincent: “Angel? Are you all right?”

Sephiroth: *squeaks* “Vincent. I am going to leave the room now. And I am going to scream. And if Auron turns up dead, hide the body while the cops are here.”

Vincent: “I always do, angel. I always do.”

THE END.

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