#119 – Here On Varsity’s Island

Nida: “Hi, everyone! I’m Nida, your tour guide! I’m a SeeD, and one day I’m going to run the Garden, and Squall’ll be dead. Any questions?”

Originally Published: 8/5/02 . 31 pages

The losers have been invited to the island of Scarlet’s old flame, Trent Varsity, on vacation! With Kuja and Seymour vying for a commerical role, Nida giving island tours and Scarlet trying to win Trent back, they’re in for a wild time!

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

I just love this ramble, as I do pretty much every ramble that features the losers. They are just fun to write. Shell helped me with the ideas for this one – my favorite story is Nida’s tour from hell. To be completely honest, I had no idea how they could be rescued and figured it would just be funnier to let it end with them still stranded. Bam. Another ramble mystery. Do you also notice Kefka came to the island, is introduced, and never heard from again the rest of the ramble? I’ll be honest again, I totally forgot about him. But we all know we’re better off not knowing.

(we open in loser land. there, seymour and kuja sit on either side of a two sided mirror, doing their make-up. kefka is sharpening his nails into sharp points. hojo is giving kuja a massage. heidegger is playing tiddly winks against stinky. scarlet is brushing her hair. nida is going through the mail.)

Scarlet: *pulling long strands of hair out of her head* “Why does my hair keep falling out??”

Kuja: *puts on mascara* “Because you dye it so often.”

Scarlet: “Well I can’t stop! Then you could see all my gray hairs!”

Nida: “That’s what comes with old age, whore!”

Scarlet: “Shut up, jerk!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Stinky! You win again!”

Stinky: *happy snort*

Heidegger: “You better not be cheating! Gya haa haa!”

Stinky: *unhappy snort*

Heidegger: “Just kidding! Gya haa haa!”

Kuja: “Seymour, that foundation isn’t right for your complexion.”

Seymour: “What are you talking about? Of course it is. I know how to pick out my own foundation.”

Kuja: “I don’t believe that one was made for people with rough, dry skin.”

Seymour: “I do not have dry skin!”

Kuja: “Yes you do. I can tell just by looking at you.”

Seymour: “Then you should be able to tell that your own finger nails are brittle.”

Kuja: *gasp* “They are not! You take that back!”

Seymour: “You take that back about my face!”

Kuja: “Even if I take it back it wouldn’t make you any less ugly!”

Seymour: *gasp*

Hojo: “Now, now, angel. Don’t start a fight. Just relax.”

Kuja: “When is that new room going to be done?”

Hojo: “Shortly.”

Kuja: “If it’s not done soon, I’m going to stop sleeping naked.”

Hojo: *gasp* “No! It’ll be done soon, I promise!”

Seymour: “Kefka… What *are* you doing?”

Kefka: “Hehehehe… Sharpening my nails into sharp points…”

Seymour: “…Okay… Dare I ask why?”

Kefka: “The better to claw you with, my dear. Hehehehehe! Hehehehehehehehe!” *disappears*

Everyone: *freezes*

Nida: “…I need to get a bigger night light.”

Scarlet: “Or a pad lock.”

Nida: “Anyway… Mail call!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Mail time!”

Nida: *flipping through the letters* “Okay… Seymour…”

Seymour: *looks at his mail* “Ooh, Glamour *and* Cosmo! Plus a free sample of moisturizer!”

Kuja: “Good, you need it.”

Nida: “Kuja, here’s your mail.”

Kuja: *looks at it* “Hmmm… All my magazines…and…oh, credit card bill.” *handing it back to hojo* “There you go.”

Hojo: “Since when am I paying your credit card bill?”

Kuja: “Since last night.”

Hojo: “…Oh. Right.”

Nida: “Here you go, Hojo.”

Hojo: *taking mail* “Ooh! My new issue of ‘Mad Scientists Monthly’ *and* ‘Closet Child Pervert’!”

Heidegger: “What closet? Gya haa haa!”

Nida: “Here, Heidegger. Take your mail.”

Heidegger: *takes mail* “Gya haa haa! Stinky! Pet store coupons!”

Stinky: *happy snort*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! And food coupons!” *eats them*

Scarlet: “You ass! You’re supposed to buy food with those!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Oopsy!”

Nida: “Now my mail!” *looking it over* “Ooh, the Garden Newsletter!” *frowns* “What? Squall’s on the cover *again*? Stupid Squall! So what if he saved everyone! That’s not so great! A dog coulda done that!”

Scarlet: “Hey! What about my mail, you stupid moron?” 

Nida: “Oh, right.” *tosses a single letter at her* “Here.”

Scarlet: *studying it with a frown* “Hmmm… I wonder who this is from?” 

Heidegger: “A secret admirer! Gya haa haa!”

Nida: *laughing so hard he’s crying* “A secret admirer!! Hahahaha! That’s a good one, Heidegger!” 

Scarlet: “Shut up, loser!” *she opens the letter and reads it looking more and more surprised* “Oh my.”

Kuja: “Is that your credit card bill? Mine’s gonna come to about 9,000 this month.”

Hojo: “What?!?!  What you did wasn’t worth *that* much!”

Kuja: “Oh *yes* it was.” 

Seymour: “And yet you call her the whore.” 

Kuja: “Call me that again and I’ll pull off something you might have a use for.”

Seymour: “Can you go two minutes without making a perverse comment?” 

Kuja: “I wasn’t talking about that. I said something you might have a use for.”

Seymour: “Why I’ve never–“

Scarlet: “Hey! Ladies! Shut up! This isn’t my credit card bill! It’s an invitation from a friend of mine to come visit a tropical island.”

Everyone: “…..”

Hojo: “I believe that’s the first good thing that’s ever happened to you.”

Nida: “Hey! What about our wedding?!”

Scarlet: “Yeah, dream on.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Palm trees!”

Stinky: *happy snort* 

Kuja: “Wonderful. I need a tan.”

Seymour: “Me too.”

Kuja: “That’s the last thing you need.”

Seymour: “Like you would know!” 

Scarlet: “Shut up!” *smiles at the letter* “This will finally be a chance to win him back!” 

Nida: “Who back?” 

Scarlet: “Trent Varsity! My high school sweetheart turned multi-millionaire.” 

Kuja: “Honey, why did you ever dump him?” 

Scarlet: “Because he was a nerd, and I was popular!” 

Nida: “Why the hell were you popular, slut??”

Scarlet: “…I think you just answered your own question.” 

Seymour: “Well is this Mr. Perfect of yours married?”

Scarlet: “Yes.” *frowns and grumbles* “To some super model.” 

Hojo: “Well this shall be great fun. You can wear that bathing suit I bought you, lamb chop.”

Kuja: “…The see through one?”

Hojo: “The very same.” 

Nida: “Cool! A free trip!! I have to go find my snorkel gear!” *runs off* 

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Sex on the beach!” 

Kuja: “I really hope you’re talking about the drink.”

Seymour: “It will nice to get away for awhile and relax on a secluded island. Maybe I can actually go through a day without having to see Kuja naked.”

Kuja: “I know beauty offends the ugly, but that’s not really my fault, now is it?”

Seymour: “You know, I’ve had just about enough of you!” 

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Me too!” 

Kuja: “Shut up, Heidegger!” 

Scarlet: “Soon I’ll be on a beautiful tropical island away from these freaks…” 



(and so they arrive on the island. they get off the plane, and look around, intrigued.)

Nida: “Wow! This is one nice island!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Greeny!”

Stinky: *snort of approval*

Scarlet: “Isn’t it amazing what money can buy?”

Hojo: “I have to agree.”

?????: “Ah, Scarlet! You made it! And you brought your friends!”

(they turn around and there’s trent varsity, who’s wonderfully tanned and accompanied by an amazingly gorgeous woman with curly blonde hair and big blue eyes)

Scarlet: “Oh, hello, Trent! Wow, that’s a great tan!”

Trent: “Yup. That’s what comes from living on a gorgeous, tropical paradise! Allow me to introduce my wife, Veronica K. Pretty.”

Veronica: “Charmed.”

Nida: “Are you really a super model?”

Veronica: “Actually, now I’m a super *super* model.”

Nida: *in awe* “Wow…”

Scarlet: *pouts* “So. Big deal. I was keg queen in college.”

Hojo: “You went to college?” 

Scarlet: “I hung out at one.”

Trent: “So, Scarlet. Who have you brought with you?”

Scarlet: “Oh. Right. The others.” *sigh* “This is Doctor Alexander Hojo.”

Hojo: “Are there many boys on this island?”

Trent: “Uh…I suppose so.” 

Hojo: “Exxxcellent.” 

Scarlet: “This is Kuja.”

Kuja: “Is that Maybeline curling mascara?” 

Veronica: “Why yes it is.”

Kuja: *flips back hair* “I’ve never been wrong.” 

Scarlet: “This is Heidegger.” 

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Meet my pet skunk, Stinky!” 

Stinky: *snort*

Trent: “Oh… Uh… That’s…one interesting pet you got there.” 

Scarlet: “This is Seymour.”

Seymour: “I don’t like your island. The air is too dry.”

Kuja: “No, dear. That’s just your skin.”

Seymour: “Oh, shut your ugly face.”

Kuja: “How dare you–” 

Scarlet: “OKAY!” *ahem* “And this is Kefka.” 

Kefka: “Hehehehe!! Hermit crabs!” 

Trent: “Uh…it’s nice to meet you too…” 

Hojo: “It’s best not to make eye contact.” 

Scarlet: “And finally, this is Nida.” 

Nida: “Best for last!” 

Scarlet: “Yeah. Right.” *rolls eyes* 

Trent: “Ah, yes. Your fake husband.”

Veronica: “I have a real husband.”

Scarlet: “Good for you.” 

Trent: “I’m so glad you all could make it. I’m in need of someone to give island tours, if any of you have good direction and if any of you want to make an extra buck or two.” 

Nida: “Ooh!! I do!! I have great direction! I drive the Garden!” *darkly* “That’ll show Squall. I’ll be cooler than him AND richer!” 

Kuja: “I already consider looking as good as I do a part time job.” 

Trent: “I’m also looking for a spokesperson for my new moisturizing sunscreen line: Tropical Trent.”

Kuja and Seymour: *eyes light up* “Moisturizing sunscreen?!” 

Trent: “Of course, there are tons of other things going on. I like to make my island fun for everyone!” 

Hojo: “There are plenty of little boys, right?” 

Trent: “Uh… Yeah. I guess so.” 

Hojo: “Exxxxcellent.” 

Trent: “So let’s all get drinks and relax.” 

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Sex on the beach!”




  (The next day. trent, veronica, scarlet, heidegger, stinky and hojo sit  around on a veranda enjoying breakfast.)

  Trent: “How did everyone sleep last night?”

  Scarlet: “Great. It was nice not to hear Kefka clawing in the attic for once.”

  Veronica: “I slept great next to my *husband*”

  Scarlet: *eyes narrow* “Yeah. That’s nice.”

  Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Breakfasty!”

(kuja enters with seymour. they’re both all done up. kuja looks better, of course.)

  Kuja: “Morning all.”

  Seymour: “Yes, good morning.”

  Hojo: “You look extra lovely this morning, lamb chop.  But really all you had to wear to impress me was the see through bathing suit.”

  Kuja: “I’m not trying to impress *you*, you creepy old man.” *smiles at trent*

  Hojo: *mutters* “I would have preferred crazy to creepy.”

  Seymour: “Don’t *I* look lovely?”

  Kuja: “You look terrible. And next to me you look like Heidegger.”

  Seymour: “How dare you! Take that back!”

  Heidegger: “I’ve been insulted! Gya haa haa!”

  Scarlet: “Hey… Not that I care, but where’s Nida?”

  Trent: “Oh! That boy’s quite a go getter! He’s been up since the crack of dawn giving island tours!”

  Scarlet: “Oh. So that means he’ll be gone all day, right?”

  Trent: “More or less.”

  Scarlet: *smiles* “Great.”

  Trent: “You know, that boy reminds me of how I was at his age.”

  Scarlet: *gulp* “Really? 

Trent: “Oh yeah! It’s great to still see young people with such drive! That’s what got me to where I am today!” 

Veronica: “My husband is hard working.” 

Scarlet: “Yeah. That’s great.” *frown* 

Trent: “I have good news, everyone! The board of directors has finally given me a green light to go ahead and find a model for Tropical Trent.” 

Seymour and Kuja: *stop dead*

Seymour: “Are you looking for a man to do it?” 

Kuja: “Or a man who looks like a woman?”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I’ll do it!”

Everyone: *shudders* 

Heidegger: “Stinky! They don’t appreciate my beauty! Gya haa haa!” 

Stinky: *shrug*

Seymour: “You know, I’d be willing to work for free.”

Kuja: *quickly* “Me too.”

Hojo: “You don’t do anything for free.” 

Kuja: “I do my boyfriend.” 

Trent: “Really? For free, huh?” *thinks a moment* “I suppose I could give you both a try out.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! There’s always me!”

Everyone: *shudders* 

Seymour: “Stop scaring everyone.” 

Kefka: *suddenly appearing* “Yeah! That’s my job! Hehehehehehehehehehe—hack hack!” 

Everyone: *sweat drops*




(meanwhile, somewhere outside, we have nida and a large group of adults with cameras and hawaiian shirts and so on and so forth)

Nida: “Hi, everyone! I’m Nida, your tour guide! I’m a SeeD, and one day I’m going to run the Garden, and Squall’ll be dead. Any questions?”

Tourists: *blink blink*

Nida: “Okay then! Let’s go get started! If you’ll follow me… Off to the right we have some buildings, and to the left is what the locals call ‘the ocean’, which is native for…water. Lots of water. Ahead are a lot of trees, where many native creatures make their home.”

Tourist 1: “Like what?”

Nida: “Like…uh…bears and squirrels. And there’s a lot of deer for hunting season.”

Tourist 2: “But that sign says no hunting.”

Nida: “It means no hunting except during hunting season.”

Tourist 2: “It says no hunting *ever*.”

Nida: “…Except hunting season. Moving on, we’re going to head off the path and into the wooded area.”

Tourist 3: “Is that safe?”

Nida: “Of course it is! Besides, you’re with me! I’m a SeeD! I can destroy anything!”

Tourists: *blink blink*

Nida: “Okay, now if you follow me, we’re going down this way to get a better glimpse of the tropical plants and exotic creatures that make their home here.”

(he starts to move into the brush. No one is following him.)

Nida: “You’re no following.”

Tourist 4: “Um… Excuse me, young man, but shouldn’t we be sticking to the path?”

Nida: “Hey! Who’s the Garden pilot here? I’m an expert! I know where I’m going! Now if I say it’s time to go off the beaten, safe path and into the deep, dark jungle, we go into the jungle!”

Tourist 5: “Is there a restroom?”

Tourist 6: “Can we sit down for a minute?”

Nida: “No! Garden pilots aren’t lazy!”

Tourist 5: “Do they at least go to the bathroom?”

Nida: “Let’s go! We’re wasting time!”

(and so off into the jungle they trek.)




(meanwhile, back in the lap of luxury, seymour and kuja are putting on make-up. Trent, scarlet and veronica are standing around.) 

Scarlet: “So… Veronica… How did you and Trent meet?” 

Veronica: “At the yearly Super Model and Millionaire party. He dropped his bank book, and I picked it up for him.” 

Scarlet: “How heroic of you.” 

Veronica: “We got married a month later.”

Scarlet: “A month later? Geez, I even knew Nida longer than that and we didn’t even really get married.” 

Veronica: “Well, I wanted to get married and Trent will do anything I say.” *flips back hair* “Excuse me. Your bad dye job is making me dizzy.” *walks away* 

Scarlet: “Hey! This stuff is 50 cents a bottle!” *mumbles* “Stupid super super model. I bet she only married Trent ‘cause he’s freakin loaded—“ *eyes light up* “…..” *evil grin* “Hmmm….” 

Trent: “Are you guys almost ready?” 

Kuja: “I don’t know about Seymour the ugly, but I am.” 

Seymour: “I *am* ready, Kuja the obnoxious and *hideous*.” 

Kuja: “Why you—“ 

Trent: “Um, can we get down to business please?”

Kuja: “Of course.” 

Trent: “Now. To sell this product, we’re looking for someone exotic.” 

Kuja: “I’m exotic.” 

Seymour: “I’m more exotic than you are.” 

Kuja: “I think not. Look at my hair. It’s long and feathery and perfect. *Your* hair looks like you had a run in with a blind man with scissors.” 

Seymour: “For your *information*, *I* am a Guado. I have these lovely veins on my forehead. They’re very exotic.” 

Kuja: “Not unless exotic means ‘ugly’ in Guado-talk.” 

Seymour: “Hey, at least I don’t have a tail, monkey boy.” 

Kuja: “Hey! Watch it, vein face! At least I can hide my tail—can’t say the same for your face, though I wish I could.” 

Trent: “You have a tail?” 

Kuja: “Um…it’s actually more of a cosmetic obstruction…” 

Trent: “That’s very exotic, and would fit right in with the jungle theme.”

Kuja: “Sure I have a tail! A beautiful tail! Why, I have the most beautiful tail you’ve ever seen!” *whips it out* 

Trent: “Ooh, it is beautiful.” *examines it* 

Seymour: *flounders* “But… But I…” 

Kuja: *smug grin* 

Trent: *pets kuja’s tail* 

Veronica: “Trent, there you go chasing tail again.” 

Trent: “Huh? …Oh, Veronica, darling. He’s a man.” 

Veronica: “Oh. Right. I keep forgetting.” 

Kuja: “I’m having a wonderful day.” 

Seymour: “Well… Uh… He might have a tail, but he doesn’t have a sexy, seductive voice like I have!” 

Trent: “Hmmm…true.” 

Kuja: “EXCUSE me? My voice is *dripping* with seduction and sexiness.” 

Trent: “Well… Your voice is nice too, but…it’s just a little too…uh…” 

Kuja: “A little too what? Appealing?” 

Trent: “…Gay.” 

Kuja: “And his *isn’t*?!”

Seymour: “Hahaha! I sound more manly than you ever will.” 

Kuja: “You’re about as manly as Donna Reed, you fairy!” 

Seymour: “It takes one to know one, fruitcake!” 

Scarlet: “Do I have to stand here and listen to this?” 

Trent: “Of course not, Scarlet. Feel free to go back to my mansion and relax. Make yourself at home.” 

Scarlet: “Oh, I will.” *she leaves* 

(kuja and seymour start clawing at each other) 

Trent: “…How do I get them to stop?”

Veronica: “Allow me.” *snaps* “You boys stop fighting before you start sweating and ruin your make-up!” 

(kuja and seymour immediately pause) 

Trent: “Darling, you’re a wonder!” 

Veronica: *shrugs* “I just used the line the photographer did back when I got into a fight with Vanessa T. Gorgeous.” 

Trent: “Did he have any way of picking one model over the other?” 

Veronica: “I don’t think you want to sleep with either one of them, do you?” 

Trent: “Uh… I’ll have to think of something else then.” *sweat drop*




(meanwhile, heidegger is out exploring with stinky)

 Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Who doesn’t find me attractive?” 

Stinky: *silently pleading the 5th

Heidegger: “I was voted ‘kid most likely to stay fat’ at fat camp! Gya haa haa!” 

Stinky: “…..” 

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Stinky! Look!” 

(he points out a sign that says male beauty contest today–$25 prize! stinky raises an eyebrow.) 

Heidegger: “I’m a male! Gya haa haa!”

Stinky: *still raising eyebrows* 

Heidegger: “I’m gonna enter! Gya haa haa!” 

Stinky: *hits himself in the forehead* 

Heidegger: “Let’s go! Gya haa haa!” *heads off*

Stinky: *shakes head and follows*




(meanwhile, back to nidas tour’…everyone is pushing and shoving their way through the jungle, looking quite aggravated.) 

Nida: “And uh…just ahead…we have…uh…more trees.” 

Tourist 1: “It’s all trees!” 

Nida: “Um…there were some bushes back there.” 

Tourist 4: “Young man, this tour was supposed to end an hour ago.” 

Nida: “Um…no. No it wasn’t. This is the special extended tour.”

Tourist 2: “I’m going to miss my golf game!” 

Nida: “Oh please! Like golf can compare to my astounding intellect.”

Tourist 3: “I think something just bit me!” 

Nida: “Nonsense, the poisonous stuff only comes out in spring.” 

Tourist 3: “It is spring.”

Nida: “Uh…I meant winter.” 

Tourist 2: “Look, we’ve been stumbling through this jungle for over an hour and haven’t seen anything. I think you’d better take us back now before I demand my money back.” 

Nida: *major sweat drops* “Uh… I’m afraid I can’t do that, sir.” 

Tourist 1: “And why is that?” 

Nida: “Um…because…I kinda got us kind of lost.”




(meanwhile, back at trents house, scarlet has made herself at home all right. Shes going through veronicas closet. And no, not the tv show.) 

Scarlet: *throwing stuff around and looking exasperated* “There must be SOMETHING in here besides all this designer crap!” *she grabs one of the shirts and shoves it down her dress* “That stupid whore… I bet she’s been married five times already. And I’m sure she’s stupid enough to leave the evidence lying around in her closet!” *goes digging inside again*



(meanwhile, hojo is wandering around outside, a camera in hand.)

Hojo: “Ah, I love tropical islands, with the sun and sand and the seaweed and so on and so forth!”  

(he spots a building labeled island tours babysitting.) 

Hojo: “That looks promising.” 

(he goes inside, and almost gets attacked by the girl on duty.) 

Girl: “Are you the parent of any of these kids?” 

Hojo: “Not unless one of the children is a silver haired, green eyed, sword wielding maniac claiming he’s going to become one with the planet.” 

Girl: “This is insane! Where are the parents of these kids?!”

Hojo: “What seems to be the problem?” 

Girl: “The parents of these kids went on the island tour a few hours ago, and they still aren’t back. The tour’s only supposed to last an hour. I have to go to my sister’s wedding but I can’t leave these kids alone! I care too much to do that!” 

Hojo: *light bulb as he grins creepily* “…I could watch them.” 

Girl: “Really? Great! See ya!” *she quickly leaves* 

Hojo: “…She couldn’t have cared enough about them.” *rubs hands together* “Exxxxxcellent. My dream is finally coming true.” 

(he goes and peers into the next room, where there are a bunch of little girls! Hojos face falls) 

Hojo: “I should have known fate wouldn’t be kind to me.”




(meanwhile, back to nida and his group of not so merry tourists, theyre sitting around on a bunch of rocks and logs, glaring at nida.) 

Nida: “…You know, while we’re sitting here doing nothing, I’d be more than willing to accept any tips.” *holds out a tin can and shakes it obnoxiously* 

Tourists: *glare daggers at him* 

Nida: *putting can away* “…Maybe…it should wait till the end then.”

Tourist 3: “You said you knew where we were going!” 

Nida: “I did! …Till we got lost.”

Tourist 2: “If we don’t get out of here soon I’ll miss my dinner at Le Chelle’s! They book up months in advance! I’ll have my lawyer on your ass so fast, Garden boy!” 

Nida: “That’s Garden *pilot*. And don’t worry, I’m sure we’ll be rescued soon. The island isn’t that big. …I don’t think so anyway.” 

Tourist 1: “I thought you knew everything about this island!” 

Nida: “Well considering I haven’t even been here a day, I think I know a lot about it!” 

Tourists: *groan* 

Nida: “…Is now a good time to bring out the tip cup again?”




(meanwhile, back to scarlet in the mansion the contents of veronicas closet are all over the place. Her hair is a mess and she looks pretty exasperated) 

Scarlet: “This sucks! Why can’t things go my way for once?! All I wanted was to expose her for the phony fraud I’m hoping she is!” *she sinks to the floor* “I guess…she really does love Trent. I guess I really *have* missed my chance.” *eyes widen a bit* “Wait a minute. What’s this?” *she reaches under the bed and comes up with a manila envelope* “It better not be porn.” *she opens it and her eyes light up* “Whoa! What have we here?!” *flipping through it excitedly* “Pre martial agreements?! From five different marriages!?” *big grin* “She *is* a gold digger! My tiny little suspicion was right after all! Now all I have to do is show this to Trent, he’ll divorce her and marry me instead! Then I’ll be on easy street!!” *gets up* “Yes! I’m sure things will continue to work out for me, even though they never have before!” *she rushes out the door*




(meanwhile, back at hojos daycare center from hellhojo sits surrounded by the little girls who have them cornered. Hes trying to fend them off with a pen) 

Hojo: “Back! Back I tell you!” *mutters* “Oh, where is that licky licky monster when you need him?”

Girl 1: “Where are my mommy and daddy?” 

Hojo: “I’ll answer that question if you tell me where all the little boys are!” 

Girl 1: “They took them to another building.” 

Hojo: “Damn my rotten luck!” 

Girl 1: “Now where’s mommy and daddy?” 

Hojo: “I don’t know. They’re dead I suppose. I’m a crazy doctor, not a crazy psychic.” 

Girl 1: *starts crying* 

Hojo: “Oh, damnation. It just gets worse.” 

Other girls: *start crying*

Hojo: *trying to move closer to the wall* “And I thought seeing Heidegger naked was hell.”




(meanwhile, back to kuja, seymour, trent and his wife.seymour and kuja are sitting on opposite ends on a table now, glaring at each other. Trent is in the center, head in his hands, looking exasperated) 

Trent: *running his hands over his face* “Okay. So we’ve been over every aspect and every pro and con.” 

Kuja: “I still say the bottom of my feet are smoother than yours.” 

Seymour: “In your dreams.” 

Trent: “It’s been a long day, and a hard decision, but I’ve finally made my choice.” *deep breath* “I choose—“ 

Heidegger: *entering covered with leis stinky on his shoulder and a medal around his neck* “Gya haa haa! Winner!” 

Kuja: “Where’d you get all that crap?” 

Heidegger: “I won a beauty contest! Gya haa haa!” 

Seymour: “*What*?!” 

Kuja: “You couldn’t even win an ugly contest you’re so ugly!” 

Heidegger: “They said I looked healthy! Gya haa haa!” 

Seymour: “…What kind of freak island is this?” 

Kuja: “Well you should feel right at home if ugly people are winning beauty contests.” 

Seymour: “Too bad you weren’t in the contest. I bet you would have beaten Heidegger.” 

Kuja: “Why you—“ 

Trent: “Okay! Girls…er…I mean boys… Do you want to hear my decision, or not?” 

Kuja and Seymour: “Yes!”

Trent: “Well, as I was saying, it was a hard decision, but I really think the job should go to—“ 

(suddenly scarlet barges in, waving papers around)

Scarlet: “Get a load of this!” 

Kuja: “Scarlet, we’re in the middle of something. Can’t the restraining order wait?”

Scarlet: “It’s not a restraining order!” *slaps them down on the table* “They’re all of Veronica’s pre-marital agreements from her five previous marriages!” 

Trent: *gasp* “What?!” 

Veronica: “Where did you find those?!” 

Scarlet: “The same place I found your birth certificate. I must admit, Veronica. You really don’t look thirty-four.” 

Veronica: *gasp* “No!” 

Trent: “Thirty-four?! You told me you were twenty-two!” 

Scarlet: *confidently* “She’s nothing more than a gold digging hussy.” 

Veronica: “Hey! Gold digger I may be, but hussy I am not!”

 Trent: *going through the papers sadly* “I don’t believe this, Veronica. You lied about everything. You’re not even from California! You’re from Oklahoma!” 

Veronica: “Oh, Trent, you have to believe me! I really do love you!! …. ….. ….” *sigh* “Oh, who am I trying to kid? I’m a model, not an actress.” 

Trent: “We’re getting a divorce.” 

Veronica: “…Does our pre-martial agreement still stand?”

Trent: “NO! And I suggest you go and pack your things!” 

Veronica: “Fine! Like I can’t find someone richer than you!” *goes off mumbling* “Is Prince William legal yet?” *she leaves* 

(trent sits down at the table looking dumbfounded and sad. scarlet comes over and puts a hand on his shoulder.) 

Scarlet: “Well, Trent, I’m sorry to be the one who had to break it to you. But you just have to put the bad stuff behind you.” *pause* “Did I mention I’m still available?” 

Trent: “I don’t believe this! I gave her everything! I loved her so much!” *collapses in tears* 

Kuja: “Can you tell us who won now?” 

Scarlet: “Kuja! Have some consideration! The man just lost his wife!” *sits next to him* “Do you want to live together first, or just get married right away?” 

Trent: *wiping away tears* “What have I been doing with my life? I’ve been doing everything all wrong!” 

Scarlet: “Huh?” 

Trent: “What’s money? Money can’t buy love!” 

Scarlet: “Sure it can, Trent! Trust me! I’m in the business!” 

Trent: “People don’t see your personality when you’re rich! All they see is a walking dollar sign!” 

Scarlet: No they don’t, Trent! You’re not nearly curvy enough!” 

Trent: *standing* “That’s it! I’ll get my identity back! I’ll sell my company and become a Priest!” 

Scarlet: *frantically* “No, Trent! Don’t be stupid! Look at everything you have!” 

Trent: “Yeah! I’m sure charity will love it!” 

Scarlet: “Charity?!?! No!”

Trent: *grabs scarlet by the shoulders* “Thank you, Scarlet. You’ve changed my life. I’ll never forget this.” 

Scarlet: “…Me neither.” 

(he kisses her on the cheek and then runs off. Scarlet remains where she is, perfectly still.) 

Seymour: “…This means… There will be no perfume. …And we’ll never find out who won.” 

Kuja: “Oh, it was going to be me anyway.” 

Seymour: “In your dreams!”

Scarlet: *dazed* “…I… I don’t believe it. I’ve actually made everything worse.” 

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Loser!” *eats one of the leis*




(meanwhile, back to nidaeveryones sitting around half dead) 

Nida: *groaning* “Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen…” 

Tourist 1: “For the last time, yes we do!” 

Tourist 2: “So hungry… How many hours have we been out here?” 

Tourist 3: “I don’t know… I lost track after the sun set.” 

Tourist 1: “My poor darling girls! I bet they’re worried about me!”

Tourist 2: “At least we have the satisfaction that this jerk’ll get fired once we finally get back.” 

Nida: “Hey! I heard that!”

Tourist 2: “It was *meant* for you to hear.” 

Nida: “…Oh.” *pause* “Well that’s mean! At least I’ve been entertaining you all!” 

Tourist 1: “You were reciting paragraphs from ‘Lord of the Flies’!” 

Nida: “Hey, it took me years to memorize that book!” *mutters* “I bet *Squall* doesn’t know the whole thing…”

Tourist 3: “Just do us all a favor and let us rot quietly.” 

Nida: *sigh* “I wonder if the others are worried about me…” 

Tourist 1: “Oh, your friends are waiting for you?” 

Nida: “They’re not really friends.”

 Tourist 2: “*There’s* a surprise.” 

Nida: “Hey! Shut up, you yuppie freak! Your only friend is your caddy!” 

Tourist 2: “Leave Jonathan out of this!” 

Tourist 1: “Stop fighting! You’ll wake the others!” 

Tourist 3: “Oh, they’re sleeping? I thought they were dead.” 

Nida: “Nobody’s dead yet, okay? And any second now we’re going to get rescued.” 

Tourist 2: “Yeah, by wolves.” 

Nida: “There are no wolves out here.” 

Tourist 3: “You said this area was swarming with wolves.” 

Nida: “I have no idea what I’m talking about.” 

Tourists: *groan* 

Tourist 2: “Great. Out of all the tour guides, we not only get stuck with the one who doesn’t know where he’s going, but also the pathological liar!” 

Nida: “Shut up! I am not!”

Tourist 1: “He’s still lying!” 

Nida: “Hey, I am not! You’re all stupid!” 

Tourist 3: “Would you all shut up already?” 

Tourist 1: “You shut up, you old bag! You’re not helping!” 

Tourist 2: “You’re not helping either! So why don’t *you* shut up too!” 

(they all start yelling at each other. All the other tourists wake up and rub their eyes, looking around wearily. Nida suddenly looks up in the sky, eyes brightening) 

Nida: “Hey! You guys hear that!?”

Tourist 2: “Oh, there goes the liar, lying again.” 

Nida: “I’m not lying! Shut up and listen!” 

Tourist 3: “Wait. He’s right. I hear it too.” 

Tourist 2: “You couldn’t hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerine plant.” 

Tourist 1: “And you stole that from a movie!” 

Nida: “Be quiet and listen!” 

Tourist 5: “I have to go to the bathroom.” 

Nida: “Shut up!” 

(theres the sound of a helicopter overheard. Everyone looks up and sees a helicopter coming to hover high above them) 

Nida: “They’re going to rescue us!!” 

Helicopter guy: *leaning out of the door with a megaphone* “Stay where you are. A rescue team is on it’s way!” 

Tourists and Nida: “Hooray!” 

Helicopter  guy: “…Wait. What’s that, Jim? They’re not coming? Varsity corporation is shutting down?! But what about my 401K? Dammit! And I thought I’d done so well after Enron!” 


Helicopter guy: “Sorry! Funding’s been pulled! There’s nothing I can do! Unless someone down there has a copy of the want ads!” 

Tourists: *blink* 

Helicopter guy: “Didn’t think so.” 

(and with that, the helicopter leaves)

Tourist 2: “…Damn. And here I’m usually *never* without a copy of the Times.” 

Tourist 3: “…They’re gone… Does that mean…we’re trapped here forever?” 

Nida: “Of course not! I’m the best damn SeeD there is! I’ve been trained in survival techniques! We’ll get out of this! Have faith in me!” 

Tourist 1: “Oh god are we dead.” 

Tourist 5: “I have to go to the bathroom.” 

Nida: “Don’t you guys have any faith in me?” 

Tourist 1: “My poor babies! I’ll never get to lay eyes on their sweet faces again!”

Tourist 2: “I never told Jonathan how I really felt!”

Tourist 3: “And I still had two things left on the ‘things to do before I turn 65 list’….”

Tourist 5: “If I go behind a tree, do you think anyone would care?”

Tourist 4: “Knock yourself out. …I wish I could…”

Nida: “You guys just wait till the sun comes up! Then we’ll be on our way back towards civilization, led by *me*, the almighty Nida, pilot of the best Garden in the world! We’ll be ready to go then—after all, tomorrow is another day!”

(sudden thunder is heard, and it starts to pour. Everyone screams and runs for cover, except nida, who stands there.)

Nida: “….And I never got to see Squall meet his bloody end.”







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