Bryatt: “I’m just here for the stripper.”

Originally Published: 3/14/02 . 12 pages

Synopsis
The gang goes all out planning a great surprise birthday party for Katie. But will do they do when she doesn’t show up?

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

Calm down everybody – Jake went to space. That’s why he disappeared from the rambles. Also because he was totally boring. Anyway, this idea came about from the real “Katie’s” birthday party. She was the type who was late to everything, so this ramble idea was a no brainer. She was also the only ramble girl not attached to an FF guy seriously at any point, and she liked Locke, so there you go. Also, I brought Bryatt back because I love him.

(we open in the ramble room. There  are a bunch of guys in there and lark. Guess who else is in there? Bryatt! Remember him from the wedding ramble? Of course you do!)

Bryatt: “Yes, I’m back. Don’t act too excited.”

Lark: “It’s great to have you back, Bry.”

Tseng: “Yeah, Bry… But where’s Rory? Did you guys break up or something?”

Bryatt: “Oh no! He just got a part in a touring company’s production of ‘Into the Woods’ .”

Tseng: “Ooh. What part?”

Bryatt: “The wolf and one of the princes. He was all excited. I’m so happy for him.”

Tseng: “We did that here, you know.”

Bryatt: “Oh right! What part were you again?”

Tseng: “One of the evil step *brothers*.”

Bryatt: “Lark doesn’t ever seem to do anything by gender, does she?”

Tseng: “Oh no she doesn’t.”

Sephiroth: “So how long will you be torturing us all, Bryatt?”

Bryatt: “Until you can’t stand me anymore.”

Sephiroth: “And where exactly are you staying? Last I checked there weren’t any spare rooms.”

Lark: “He’s staying with me! With Bryatt around, I won’t be pressured into breaking my vow.”

Bryatt: “I’m her little gay shadow.”

Sephiroth: “Oh.” *frown* “Great.”

(there’s silence a moment.)

Lark: “I’m really bored.”

Sephiroth: “Me too.”

Lark: “Let’s plan a birthday party for Katie!”

Sephiroth: “Or not. I think I’d rather just sit here.”

Auron: “Birthday’s are special days indeed.”

Sephiroth: “Shut up, Auroran.”

Vincent: “Angel, for the 20th time—it’s *Auron*.”

Sephiroth: “And for the 20th time, Vincent baby, I don’t *care*!”

Lark: “Guys! Katie’s turning the big 2-0! We should do something!”

Setzer: “Uh…how about something involving a stripper?”

Edgar: “Oh geez. Not again.”

Rufus: “Uh… She’s not a lesbian. It’s not like it’ll be a female stripper.”

Setzer: “Oh…uh…right… Why would I want to see a man naked?”

Tseng: “We could get the stripper from my bachelor party.”

Reeve: “Could you stop bringing him up?”

Tseng: “Don’t get all bitter because you were too drunk to remember yours.”

Lark: “Uh… Maybe I should talk to Noelle…

…………………………………………………………………………………………

(later…)

Noelle: “Yay! A birthday party for my big sis! Let’s all get taffeta dresses!”

Sephiroth: “I knew this was a bad idea.”

Lark: “I’m sorry, Noelle. No taffeta.”

Noelle: “What? I don’t believe I heard you correctly. Did you say no taffeta? You couldn’t have. Taffeta is magical.”

Lark: “You heard me. No taffeta.”

Noelle: “What, no…? Bryatt wants taffeta, right, Bry?”

Bryatt: “I’m just here for the stripper.”

Setzer: “Me too—er… I mean… Uh…” *to edgar* “Eddie, how can I cover that up?”

Edgar: “Just be quiet, Setzer. For the love of *god* shut up!”

Lark: “You think Katie would want a stripper?”

Noelle: “Uh, is the Pope Catholic?”

Lark: “Okay, fine. What else should we have?”

Bryatt: “Another stripper?”

Lark: “Bryatt, can you turn off the sex part of your brain for a second?”

Bryatt: “Okay… So basically you want me dead?”

Lark: *laughs* “Okay, fine. But seriously, what else?”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Cake!”

Rufus: “Hey! Where did you come from?”

Sephiroth: “You have two seconds to leave before you die.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa bye!” *disappears*

Vincent: “Nice work, angel.”

Sephiroth: “All in a day’s work, Vincent.”

Lark: “Okay, you guys, I hate to say it, but Heidegger’s right. We need a cake.”

Noelle: “Chocolate cake! With taffeta flowers!”

Tseng: “You can’t put taffeta on a cake.”

Noelle: “Shut up! I can put taffeta on anything!”

Lark: “No taffeta! Think of something else!”

Noelle: “Presents! Wrapped in taffeta!”

Sephiroth: “Oh, geez. Kill me.”

Bryatt: “Maybe the stripper can wear taffeta.”

Noelle: “Yay! I love you, Bryatt!”

Lark: “Bryatt, don’t indulge her.”

Setzer: “I think the stripper should dress as a policeman.”

Everyone: *blink blink*

Setzer: “…Just a suggestion.”

Edgar: “Setzer, I think you should shut up. Forever.”

Lark: “All they talk about is strippers and taffeta. …I have a feeling this will be one weird party…”

Auron: “We should rent a ballroom and serve expensive champagne.”

Sephiroth: “Hey… That’s actually a good idea, Auroran.”

Auron: “Yes… Now if only you could get my name right.”

Lark: “Yeah! Good idea!”

Bryatt: “And a stripper is sure to class things up.”

Tseng: “Good god you need Rory back.”

Noelle: “Ooh! Taffeta tablecloths!”

Sephiroth: “Oh *please* someone find her something shiny!”

 ………………………………………………………………………………………

(even later… locke is in the ramble room with shadow and interceptor. There’s no one else around.)

Shadow: *looking around* “Do you hear that?”

Locke: “Hear what?”

Shadow: “That strange panting sound… I think someone’s after me!!”

Locke: “That’s your own dog *breathing*.”

Interceptor: *barks and wags tail happily*

Shadow: “…Oh. …Right.”

(then Katie enters, smiling)

Katie: “Hey, guys! Hi, Locke! Hi, Shadow!”

Shadow: *darkly* “How do you know who I am?”

Locke: “Relax, man. She’s a friend.”

Shadow: “Oh… Right….”

Interceptor: *happy bark*

Katie: “Hi, Interceptor!” *goes to pet him*

Shadow: “No!! He’ll maim you horribly!”

(interceptor licks Katie and wags his tail as Katie pets him)

Locke: “Has that dog *ever* done anything *remotely* bad?”

Shadow: “You just wait till the pills he’s on wear off.”

Locke: “What pills?”

Shadow: “The…dog…pills.”

Locke: “Why is the *dog* taking pills?”

Shadow: “To…uh…make his coat more shiny.”

Locke: “You just made that all up, didn’t you?”

Shadow: “I think I’m being stalked!” *runs for the door* “Interceptor, come!”

Interceptor: *licks Katie*

Shadow: “Oh, forget it!” *he runs off*

Locke: “Geez… What a head case. I have no clue why we’re friends.”

Katie: “His dog is so cute.” *smiles* “My ex boyfriend had a dog named Ranger. It was all cuddly and friendly like Interceptor.”

Locke: “Ex boyfriend?”

Katie: “Yeah… Jake. He had to break up with me when he went to space to work on fixing the space station.”

Locke: “…Are you serious?”

Katie: “Yeah. He’s one of those types who does everything, you know?”

Locke: “Oh. I see…”

Katie: “Anyway, he said he’d come back and visit when he gets back!”

Locke: “That’s cool. At least he’s not dead like my ex.”

Katie: “Aw… I’m sorry, Locke.”

Locke: *sigh* “…It’s okay. I’ve come to accept it now. I’ll always love Rachel, but now it’s time to move on with my life.”

Katie: *patting sides* “Did you take my wallet?”

Locke: *offering it* “I only steal from those I like.”

Katie: *grins*

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

(and so on the day of the party…the hall they’re having it in is lavishly and tastefully decorated. Everyone is there, and they’re all dressed up.)

Irvine: “Yo, Reno—where we gonna hide and shout surprise?”

Reno: “This isn’t a surprise party, man. Katie knows about it.”

Irvine: “She does? Oh, crap! I told her I was goin’ duck hunting today! Now she’ll think I skipped her party!”

Reno: “You’ve been hittin’ the bar already, haven’t you.”

Algus: “Well, Rufus. Your money certainly went a long way this time.”

Rufus: “This is the last freakin’ party I’m throwing for these people! Next time *you* get to foot the bill!”

Algus: “Oh, I think not, my dear friend. They’ll suck you dry first.”

Ashley: “Wow, Noelle. No taffeta. Why aren’t you off sulking somewhere?”

Noelle: “Well, I’m wearing taffeta. So it’s not a total loss!”

Sephiroth: “Well, everyone seems to be here.”

Lark: “Yeah, everyone but Katie. But then again, she’s always late.”

Auron: “Fashionably so, you might say.”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, *you* might say. Shut up, Auroran.”

Lark: “She’ll be here. How late can she be?”

  ………………………………………………………………………………………

(2 hours later…)

Everyone: *sitting around looking bored* “…….”

Irvine: “Are you *sure* she knew about the party?”

Noelle: “Yes!!”

Auron: “This is no longer fashionably late.”

Sephiroth: “Glad we keep you around, detective Auroran.”

Lark: “Irvine’s drunk and the party hasn’t even started yet.”

Irvine: “I decided ta start my own party.”

Bryatt: “I think the stripper fell asleep.”

Reeve: “I think I might do the same.”

Ashley: “This is ridiculous! We set up such a lovely party for her, and she’s not even here! What a waste!”

Shell: “And I bought her such an expensive gift. …If she doesn’t come, we’re taking it back, Rude.”

Rude: “Yes, Shell.”

Shell: “You know I don’t mean back to the store, right, Rude?”

Rude: “Of course I do, Shell.”

Zidane: “This is the world’s lamest party.”

Rufus: “Great. This is what my money pays for. At least Reeve and Tseng showed up for their wedding!”

Sephiroth: “I say we just go home.”

Lark: “We can’t! It’s supposed to be a party!”

Sephiroth: “How can there be a party when the guest of honor isn’t even here?”

Lark: “… …. …..Let’s just wait a little longer.”

Sephiroth: “It’s been *2* hours.”

Lark: “Suck it up, Sephy-sama.”

Sephiroth: *pouts* “I hate wearing a suit.”

Vincent: “Let’s be mature, angel.”

Vivi: “Um…if she doesn’t come…are we still gonna eat the cake?”

Zidane: “We damn well better. I haven’t eaten for 2 days!”

Algus: “Well that’s your own fault. I warned you not to wrinkle my silk pajamas.”

Sephiroth: “Isn’t this a three hour party? There’s only one hour left.”

Noelle: “We’ve invested too much time to move now.”

Reno: “Well can’t we at least enjoy the rest of the party anyway? Let’s pretend it’s my birthday.”

Lark and Noelle: “NO!”

  ……………………………………………………………………………………

(fifty minutes later, everyone looks even more bored and tired. Still no Katie.)

Rufus: “All that money… Down the drain… Down the drain… And what do I have to show for it? Some burnt out candles and a few bottles of champagne.”

Irvine: “Actually… I drank the champagne.”

Reno: “I helped.”

Rufus: “Argh! I can’t even get any booze outta this!”

Setzer: “So much for the stripper. Dammit.”

Rufus: *gives him a weird look*

Setzer: “Uh… What a waste of money.”

Rufus: “Oh. Right.”

Noelle: “Even I’ve given up. I can’t believe my sister! Her own party!”

Lark: “Remember my birthday when no one showed up? …Well… This is like the total opposite.”

Auron: “Quite true.”

Sephiroth: “Well, *duh*.”

Lark: “Well, I give up. Let’s just go.”

Sephiroth: “Finally!”

(They all get up, and head for the door. Just when they’re about to open it, it opens and who comes in but Katie, arm and arm with locke!)

Katie: “We’re here! Sorry we’re late!”

Noelle: “Late! The party’s over!”

Lark: “How come no one noticed Locke was missing?”

Sephiroth: “You know you have too many people in the ramble room when…”

Katie: “Locke and I hooked up, and now we’re going out.”

Laguna: “Hey hey! Congratulations! Now all the ramble girls have FF characters for boyfriends!”

Lark: “Except me.”

Locke: “And I ‘do everything’. Just like her last boyfriend!”

Everyone: *blink blink*

Katie: *murmurs* “Uh… I didn’t mean it like that.”

Locke: “Uh… Whoops.”

Noelle: “Well… I guess you had a happy birthday anyway.”

Katie: “Did I ever!”

Rufus: “I didn’t!”

Algus: “It isn’t your birthday.”

Rufus: “No… But I still lost a lot of money.”

Reno: “Oh well. Let’s go back to the complex and party ramble style!”

Katie: “Yeah!”

Irvine: “That means booze, right?”

(everyone walks out, except seph and lark, who linger for a moment)

Lark: “…I guess we should have just done that in the first place.”

Sephiroth: “Now you’ve learned what I already knew: never listen to Auroran.”

Lark: “His name is Auron. And you *liked* his idea.”

Sephiroth: “…And we shall never speak of it again.”

The End