#115 – The Great Bishounen Snatcher

Aeris: “Arrrgggh!!! You were always so dense, Cloud! I even flashed you and you didn’t even care! You just started talking about Sephiroth!” *stomps off*
Originally Published: 2/21/02 . 52 pages
Synopsis
The girls wake up to find that (almost) all the hot guys are gone! They need to find out who kidnapped them and get their bishies back!

Ramble Milestones
-Aeris shows up.

I have so much love for this ramble. Usually if I use all the characters things get bulky and it drags, but not this one. When I started writing this, I really didn’t have an ending in mind. It was totally written on the fly. The only thing that leaves me puzzled is the very end with Zack and Cloud – can we assume they got their marriages to their “mystery spouses” annulled? (Doesn’t explain why they’re still wearing the rings…) Besides screaming at them that they married each other. But they can’t hear you.

(we open in the ramble room. Lark walks in with a balloon, smiling happily)

Lark: “Happy site anni—“ *the room is empty* “…versary.” *frowns* “Where the hell is everyone?” *she goes out into the hallway* “Sephy?” *nothing* “Sephiroth?” *still nothing* “…Odd…” *back in the ramble room* “Usually if I call him he comes right away…” *grins* “Just like a puppy.”

(then the door to the ramble room opens, but its not seph. Its Noelle.)

Noelle: “Hey, Lark.”

Lark: “Hi! Happy site anniversary!”

Noelle: “Oh right!! Congrats! Two years…that’s…really long.”

Lark: “Tell me about it. And yet where is everyone?”

Noelle: “I was just gonna ask you if you’d seen Reno.”

Lark: “No, why?”

Noelle: “Because when I woke up this morning, there was no sign of him. And he was definitely there last night.” *frowns* “I’m still sore.”

Lark: “That’s odd. I was just calling Sephiroth, and he didn’t come.”

(the door opens again, and in comes reeve, frowning)

Noelle: “Hey, Reeve.”

Lark: “Happy site anniversary!”

Reeve: “Hi, girls. Uh…you guys seen Tseng?”

Noelle: “Oh no. Did you piss him off again?”

Reeve: “No! We were just fine last night.” *frowns* “I’m still sore.”

Lark: “Okay…this is getting a little weird now. No Tseng, no Reno and no Sephiroth.”

Rinoa: *running in frantically* “No Squall!”

Everyone: “What?”

Rinoa: “Squall’s gone! And Angelo hasn’t even been walked! That’s so unlike him!”

Lark: “Okay… I’m officially freaked.”

Steiner: *runs in with vivi* “I have terrible news!”

Noelle: “Uh oh.”

Steiner: “Master Algus is gone!!”

Vivi: “So is Zidane.”

Steiner: “From the looks of things, there appeared to have been a struggle.”

Lark: “A struggle?”

Rinoa: “This is terrible!”

Noelle: “I’m with the crackwhore.”

Lark: “How many others do you think are gone??”

(kiros and ward enter with kimarhi and lulu)

Kiros: “Ward wants to know if anyone has seen Laguna. He wasn’t at the TV watching his morning cartoons this morning.”

Lulu: “Kimarhi and I can’t find Tidus or Wakka either.”

Lark: “This is crazy! How many people are missing??”

(a frantic tifa enters with barret, cid and red)

Tifa: “Cloud!! Cloud is gone! I went in to give him his daily liquor, but he wasn’t there!”

Barret: “Yo! That be whack! Where he be?”

Cid: “$%#$^#$%^$#%^@$@#%#!”

Tifa: “No… That can’t be it.”

Noelle: “Cloud too? What next?!”

(shadow runs in, out of breath, interceptor at his heels)

Everyone: “Who’s missing?!?!”

Shadow: *panting* “What? Oh, no I just thought I was being followed.”

Everyone: “Oh.”

Shadow: “Oh, but Locke is missing.”

Noelle: “Oh no! Not Locke too!”

Lark: “I’m really, really weirded out now.”

(the door opens again, and shell, rude, Ashley and seifer enter)

Ashley: “Morning all!”

Noelle: “Nice to see you still have your boyfriend.”

Ashley: “That’s the first time I’ve heard you say that.”

Seifer: “What the hell are you talking about?”

Lark: “A lot of the guys are missing!”

Shell: “Well Rude’s still here. Aren’t ya, Rude?”

Rude: “Yes, Shell.”

Lark: “Everyone conduct a full search of the ramble room. I want to make sure no one else is missing.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………

(so everyone goes off and searches. Awhile later they return, and lark has a piece of paper that shes writing on.)

Lark: “Okay…now that everyone in the ramble room is either accounted for or missing… I’ll read the list of people we can’t find.” *reads* “Cloud, Vincent, Sephiroth, Rufus, Tseng, Reno, Squall, Zell, Irvine, Laguna, Zidane, Algus, Tidus, Wakka, Auron, Locke, Edgar and Setzer.” *gasps* “Oh no! You know what this means, don’t you???”

Everyone: “What?”

Lark: “Someone stole all the bishounen!!”

Everyone: *gasp*

Seifer: “Hey, wait! Then why the hell am I still here? I am totally bishounen!”

Ashley: “Yeah! Seifer’s bishounen! Why’s he here?”

Lark: “I don’t know!”

Shell: “And why’s Rude here, huh? He’s sexy!”

Rude: “Thanks, Shell.”

Lark: “Like I said, I don’t know! Did I kidnap anyone?”

Kiros: “Ward wants to know why the hell they took Laguna.”

Seifer: “Yeah! Why’d they take Laguna and not me?”

Lark: “Now really, Seifer. Do you *want* to be kidnapped?”

Seifer: *pouts* “I don’t like being left out. And they took chicken wuss!”

Reeve: *sniffs* “My poor husband… I wish I was good looking so they would have taken me too!”

Lark: “You are good looking, Reeve.”

Seifer: “Hey! How come you tell him he’s good looking but not me?!”

Lark: “Shut up, Seifer.”

Rinoa: “So what are we gonna do?? We have to get the guys back!”

Lark: “It figures that something has to go terribly wrong on the site anniversary…”

Tifa: “Who do you think took them?”

Noelle: “Hey, why do you think they didn’t take Shadow? Isn’t he bishounen?”

Lark: *shrugs* “No one’s seen his face.”

Everyone: *looks at shadow*

Shadow: “….You’ll never know.”

Tifa: “I asked who do you think took them?!”

Lark: “Oh right. I don’t know. Anyone see anything weird?”

Steiner: *sobs* “I let Master Algus down! I was supposed to be his bodyguard!!

Lark: “Calm down, Steiner. Anyone? Anything?”

Everyone: *shrugs*

Lark: *sighs* “All right. Let’s just do what we always do and blame it on Hojo. To loser land!!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, somewhere else, we see our missing bishounen in a giant cage in the middle of a fortress like concrete room. Theyre all asleep.)

Rufus: *mumbles in his sleep* “Mr. Jingles, stop tickling me…” *his eyes open* “…Mr. Jingles?” *he sits up and looks around* “…This isn’t my room… This isn’t even the ramble room!” *he gets up and looks around him* “What the hell am I doing here with half the ramble guys?!?! And where’s Mr. Jingles!?!?!”

Sephiroth: *mutters* “Shut up, Rufus.”

Rufus: “Hey! Just wait till you wake up and realize you’re not in your bed!”

Sephiroth: *feeling around him* “Vincent?” *he wakes up* “Where the hell am I? Where’s Vincent?”

Rufus: “We’re in some kind of cage…in a fortress thingy.”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where’s Vincent?”

(he spots vincent lying across the room. Auron has his arms around him)

Sephiroth: “Hey, hey, hey!” *he goes over and yanks vincent up glaring down at auron* “*Mine*.”

Vincent: “Oh. Good morning, angel.”

Sephiroth: “Not really. Look at where we are!!!”

Auron: *sits up* “It appears we have been kidnapped.”

Rufus: “This is horrible!! Who’s gonna run my company?!? Who’s gonna trade my stocks?!!? Who’s gonna dress Mr. Jingles?”

Reno: *eyes still closed* “Hey, shut up, guys. And get out of my room.”

Rufus: “Wake up, Reno, you idiot! We’ve been kidnapped!”

Reno: *waking up* “What??” *looks around* “Wait…maybe this is just an alcohol induced dream.”

Rufus: *smacks him*

Reno: “Ow…” *blinks* “Nope. Real. This sucks.” *he pokes irvine* “Wake up, Irvine.”

Irvine: *sleepily* “Time to milk the cows already?”

Reno: “No, man. We’re in a cage.”

Irvine: “Oh, man. I’m not into that stuff.”

Reno: We’ve been kidnapped.”

Irvine: “What?? Oh, sweet Lee’s ghost this sucks.”

Tseng: *shrugging off edgar, who’s on top of him* “Reeve, you’re squishing me.”

Edgar: “Quiet, Setzer. You always take the blankets.”

(both of them wake up and realize whats going on at the same moment and scramble away from one another)

Tseng: “You’re not Reeve!”

Edgar: “You’re not Setzer! Er…I mean… Not that I sleep with him or anything.”

(everyone else has awakened.)

Setzer: “Where the hell are we??”

Wakka: “Don’t look too familiar, ya?”

Zell: *studying the bars* “Hey!!! I feel like a monkey in here.”

Squall: “Whatever, Zell.”

Laguna: “Hey, hey! We’re trapped!!”

Squall: *rolls eyes* “Glad you’re around, dad.”

Laguna: “You called me dad, son!” *hugs squall*

Squall: “Oh crap.”

Algus: “This is most unfortunate… I cannot be kept in here. I require proper furnishings and a drink.” *waves* “Slave boy, go fetch those things for me.”

Zidane: “First of all, *no*. And second of all, we’re LOCKED IN A CAGE! I can’t leave any more than you can!”

Algus: *sighs* “You’re useless to me.”

Locke: *inspecting the bars* “There’s no lock either!” *chuckles* “Except for me.” *no one laughs* “…Okay then.”

Kuja: “At least I always carry a compact wherever I go.” *starts putting on face powder*

Cloud: *walking into the bars* “Ow.” *walks into them again* “Ow.” *and again* “Ow.”

Sephiroth: “Okay, everybody freeze!” *he glances around* “So there are no girls in here at all?”

Kuja: “Not unless you count me. I *am* wearing the underwear.”

Sephiroth: “Uh…no.”

Rufus: “Why are we here? I demand to know who’s captured us!”

Zidane: “I bet it’s Hojo or something.”

Kuja: “Not possible. Even he isn’t crazy enough to have a giant concrete fortress housing a gigantic cage.”

Tseng: “Well whoever did this didn’t take everyone. Where’s Reeve?”

Zell: “Yeah, and that jerk Seifer?”

Laguna: “Hey hey! Kiros and Ward are missing too!”

Reno: “So’s Rude!”

Vincent: “As are Cid, Barret and Red XIII.”

Zidane: “And Steiner and Vivi.”

Locke: “And Shadow.”

Wakka: “Kimahri’s not here either, ya?”

Kuja: “And every other loser but me.” *smiles* “I’m special *and* beautiful.”

Sephiroth: “Exactly!! Don’t you see? Whoever did this just took all the bishounen!”

Tseng: “Then where’s Reeve??”

Sephiroth: *snort* “Where he belongs.”

Tseng: “Hey! Reeve’s hot!”

Zell: “And where’s Seifer?? He’s hot too, right, Squall?”

Squall: “Don’t bring me into this.”

Sephiroth: “I don’t know! Did I do the kidnapping?!” *sigh* “Who could have been devious enough to get us all while we were sleeping? I mean, sure some of you jerks couldn’t have even put up a fight, but I can kill anyone!”

Rufus: “And he looks right at me when he says that. I have a gun too, you know!”

Irvine: “Well what are we waitin’ for? Let’s bust outta here!”

Vincent: “I’m afraid all my materia is gone.”

Zell: “My junction’s been undone!”

Zidane: “I’m outta MP!”

Setzer: “Me too!”

Wakka: “Me too, ya.”

Tidus: “And my sword’s gone.”

Edgar: “Mine too. And all my tools.”

Irvine: “My gun is gone!!”

Vincent: “Mine as well.”

Zidane: “I’ve been disarmed too!”

Reno: “My shockrod is gone!!”

Everyone: *blink blink*

Reno: “Shut up! It’s not *that* weak!”

Sephiroth: *patting his sides frantically* “My masamune!!!! My masamune!!!” *bursts into tears* “It was my only true friend!!”

Vincent: *pats him on the shoulder* “You still have me, angel.”

Sephiroth: “You don’t kill things!”

Zell: “Screw that! Let’s just use our limit breaks!!” *flips out* “I’m mad enough to use mine!”

Zidane: “I’m fuming, but I’m not trancing!”

Auron: “My overdrive isn’t functioning.”

Cloud: “Limit…no…work…”

Edgar: *frowns* “We don’t have such things.”

Locke: “Yeah, that sucks.”

Squall: “Idiots. We can’t use limits or anything. We all have curse on us.”

Kuja: “Oh… That’s why I’m flashing black… I thought it was the bad lighting.”

Sephiroth: “Arggh!!! That’s it! I’ll break us out of here with my bare hands!!” *he tries to bend the bars* “Ow!!! These things are hot!!”

Tseng: “I guess they’re being heated by…something.”

Rufus: “What something??”

Tseng: “I don’t know. Am I Reeve?”

Rufus: “Some of that crap he knows must have rubbed off on you!!”

Sephiroth: “Ow!!! My hands hurt!!!” *holds his hands out to vincent* “Vincent… Kiss it and make it better?”

Vincent: *doing so* “Angel, perhaps you shouldn’t make decisions so rashly.”

Sephiroth: “I’ll make as many as I want!”

Auron: “The best idea would be to wait and formulate a logical plan.”

Sephiroth: “Shut up, Auroran! I don’t know why you’re here! You’re ugly!”

Tseng: “Yeah, uglier than Reeve! …Heh. No offense.”

Edgar: “Do you think the others have realized we’re gone yet?”

Kuja: *snort* “I know Hojo will know as soon as he wakes up for his morning molestation.”

Zell: “Oh, is that a new kind of exercise?”

  ………………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile, in loser landheidegger is eating breakfast, stinky curled up by his foot, nida is pouring himself some fruit loops, scarlet, looking hungover, is pouring herself some coffee. Kefka is going through the paper and seymour, curlers in his hair, is pouring himself some milk.)

Nida: “Don’t hog the milk, vein face! I need it for my Fruit Loops!”

Seymour: “They say milk is good for your skin.”

Nida: “Well you need it, vein face. Maybe it’ll make your veins go away, vein face. Now give me the milk!”

Seymour: *pouring the last of it into his glass* “Oh, dear. It seems there’s no more.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Girly man wins!”

Nida: *turns red with anger* “Y-You did that on purpose!”

Scarlet: “You get brighter by the day, Nida.” *plops down at the table*

Nida: “Shut up, whore! You look hungover!”

Scarlet: “Like I said. Brighter by the day.”

Kefka: “Hehehehehe!! I like comics!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Comics are funny!”

Nida, Scarlet and Seymour: *exchange worried looks*

(suddenly, hojo comes running in, half dressed and out of breath)

Hojo: “Kuja is gone!”

Nida: *like nothing was said* “You know what comic I do like, though? Calvin and Hobbes. Too bad they don’t make that one anymore.”

Scarlet: “That one sucked.”

Nida: “You suck, whore!”

Scarlet: “As I’ve said repeatedly: brighter by the day.”

Hojo: “You fools!! Listen! My darling pet is missing! Have any of you seen him?”

Seymour: *shrugs* “I figured he was in the shower… Until I went to take a shower and he wasn’t there. Then I figured he wasn’t there.”

Scarlet: “Well where did you figure he went after that?”

Seymour: *shrugs* “I have more important things to worry about in the shower than where that brat Kuja is. I use three different kinds of shampoo.”

Scarlet: “Kuja uses ten.”

Hojo: “All right, enough talking. Where could my pretty angel of death have gone? He couldn’t have left, could he?”

Nida: “Nah, I almost tripped over his make-up case this morning. He would never leave without that.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Vanity!”

Nida: “Maybe Kefka ate him.”

Scarlet: “Yeah, maybe that’s what happened.”

Kefka: “Hehehehehehe! I would never eat Kuja! He tastes too much like perfume!”

Hojo: *chin trembles* “What do you think happened to him??”

Scarlet: “Oh god, don’t cry. He’ll be back, I’m sure.”

(then theres a knock at the door.)

Everyone but Hojo: *blink blink*

Hojo: “It’s the *door*!”

(he goes and gets it. Its lark and everyone else from the ramble room)

Hojo: *blink blink* “Um…good morning. Have any of you seen Kuja?”

Reeve: “Kuja? Don’t tell me he’s missing.”

Hojo: *sniff* “Why….yes. Yes. Why?”

Lark: “Dammit! Because so are like all our guys!”

Noelle: “We thought you took them!”

Scarlet: “All your guys? Like who?”

Lark: *rattles off the list*

Hojo: *gasp* “My son, Vincent, Tseng *and* Zidane are missing as well!?” *frowns* “I wish I *was* the kidnapper…”

Noelle: “Someone stole all our bishounen!”

Seifer: “*Almost* all!”

Noelle: “Whoever it was must have hit loser land too…slim pickings, though. Explains how only Kuja was taken.”

Ashley: “How could they tell he wasn’t a girl?”

Nida: “Hey! Wait a sec! All the bishuonen? Then why am I still here?!”

Seifer: “That’s what I said!”

Ashley: “Ew, Seifer! Do NOT put yourself on the same level as Nida!”

Nida: “Hey! Are you calling me ugly?!”

Scarlet: “Wow, Nida. I should start to write all your brilliant comments down.”

Nida: “Shut up, whore!”

Seymour: *shrugs* “Oh well. Kuja’s gone. Now I get the room to myself.”

Hojo: *sobbing* “Who know who could have taken my poor lamb chop? I might never see him again!”

Kefka: “Hehehe! The cameras, you fool! The cameras!”

Hojo: *eyes widen* “Oh right! My videos! I have a camera running in Kuja and Seymour’s room 24/7!”

Seymour: “Pardon!?”

Hojo: “I’ll let you come take a look at it—but only three of you will fit, so leave the rest of your little entourage outside.”

(with a sigh, lark takes Noelle and reeve with her. They follow hojo to a very small room in the back thats wall to wall with videos.)

Reeve: *becoming paler and paler as he looks at the walls* “You really do tape *everything* don’t you.”

Hojo: “Oh yes. I’ve been thinking about starting a porn website once I get a few more cameras.”

Reeve: “Uh huh.” *gulp*

Hojo: “Now let’s see… Last night… Kuja’s bedroom…. Ah, here we are.”

(he grabs a tape and puts it in and starts to play it. In the corner it reads 2:04 A.M. kuja just lays there, sleeping.)

Lark: “Can’t you fast forward, or something?”

Hojo: “He’ll kick off the blankets any moment now. He never keeps them on the whole night.”

Everyone: *stares at him blankly*

Hojo: “He sleeps naked!”

Noelle: *pushes him* “Fast forward, you sick freak!”

(so he does fast forward. Nothing seems to happen on screen. The blankets dont even get kicked off.)

Hojo: “Oh, this is disappointing.”

(suddenly, another figure enters onscreen.)

Reeve: “Wait, stop! Look there!”

(hojo hits play, and they watch a slim figure, whose back is to the camera, cast several spells on kuja, ending with mini. Whoever it is then picks up mini kuja and drops him into an already bulging sack.)

Noelle: “Ack! That must be the rest of the guys in there!”

Reeve: “I was lying right there next to him, and I *still* didn’t know Tseng was gone!” *chin trembles* “I’m a bad husband!”

Hojo: *gasps* “Look!!” *he points to the screen*

(they watch as whoever it is steps into the moonlight for just a moment, showing their face. Hojo pauses it, and everyone leans in closer for an inspection.)

Reeve: “Is that who I think it is??”

Noelle: “It can’t be! It just—it can’t be!”

Lark: “Well, obviously it can be, because it is. I had a feeling we’d be seeing Aeris one of these days.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

(back in the cage)

Sephiroth: “No magic. No summons. No weapons. No limits. Can’t touch the bars. Who is this evil genius?”

Auron: “They must possess amazing strength.”

Wakka: “This is kinda scary, ya?”

Rufus: “You know, if Shell was here, we could have a MAFIA meeting.”

Tseng: “Rufus, now’s not the time to plan your next investment.”

Rufus: “Well you’ll never get ahead in business with that attitude.”

Zell: *worriedly* “What if whatever captured us is planning to eat us??”

Everyone: “…….”

Vincent: “Well… At least the claw will be left.” *clicks claw*

Sephiroth: “Don’t talk like that! We won’t be eaten!” *looks at his burnt hands* “Though I’m half done already!”

Setzer: “Shush! I think I hear someone coming!!”

(the guys all look toward the metal door at the top of a tall platform which slides open. At first they see no one, but then whoever it is walks to the edge and peers down at them, smiling evilly.)

Tseng: “Holy white materia! Aeris!?!?!?!”

Sephiroth: “Ack!!!! It is the devil!!”

Aeris: “Shut up, Sephiroth.” *she comes down beside the cage* “I’ve got your masamune now.”

Sephiroth: “Well there’s a second time for everything. The first time you had it run right through you.”

Aeris: “Oh, you’re so funny. I can’t wait until you start babbling about how you’ll become one with the planet.”

Sephiroth: “Why don’t you just go throw yourself at Cloud some more?! Maybe if you try hard enough he’ll actually be interested!”

Aeris: “Shut up! I’m the one with the power here, so I wouldn’t piss me off if I were you!”

Rufus: “Hi, Aeris! Remember me? Rufus? I’m very rich! If you let me out of here I’ll give you money!”

Aeris: “Shut up, Rufus! Your money can’t buy what I want.”

Vincent: “Aeris. Why have you done this? What have we ever done to you?”

Aeris: “Well Sephiroth killed me.”

Vincent: “…Besides him.”

Aeris: “Look, I have my reasons, okay? And maybe if you’re nice enough, I’ll tell you why!”

(she goes stomping over to some controls on the far side of the room.)

Irvine: “So that’s Aeris, huh? She’s totally hot.”

Sephiroth: “Could you stop being shallow for five seconds, Irvine? She has us captured!”

Zell: “I can’t believe she’s the one who caught us!”

Wakka: “Kinda embarrassing, ya?”

Algus: “Perhaps someone will be able to sweet talk her into letting us out. We are all attractive gentlemen, after all.”

Edgar: “Perhaps my lady killing skills could be of use.” *dashing smile*

Setzer: “Come on, Eddie. We actually wanna get out of here.”

Sephiroth: “Hey, shut up! You’re all stupid! There are only two people in here who Aeris might listen to, and one of them is a moron.” *points to cloud*

Cloud: *covered in burns* “I hurt everywhere…”

Reno: “Never fear, ‘Roth my good man.” *takes out flask* “You can always count on good ol’ Reno for all your liquor needs!”

(he pours the stuff down clouds throat)

Cloud: *blink blink* “I seem to be in a cage of some sort.” *blink blink* “Oh, hello, Reno. How are you this fine day?”

Reno: “Not too good, Cloud. Not too good.”

Sephiroth: *calls* “Oh, Aeris! Your lover boy is actually lucid!”

Aeris: *perks up* “Cloud?”

Reno: *whispers to cloud* “Try and get us out of here.”

Aeris: “Cloud!!!” *she runs over* “It’s me, Aeris! Remember?!”

Cloud: “Aeris… You dated Zack, right?”

Aeris: “Uh…right.”

Cloud: “He was a very fine fellow, that Zack.” *sigh* “It was so sad when he died.”

Aeris: “I died too!”

Cloud: “…You did?”

Aeris: “You buried me in the water!”

Cloud: “Oh, sorry. I seem to have forgotten. Were you the ninja girl with the materia?”

Aeris: “No!! That was Yuffie!! She didn’t die!”

Cloud: “The big breasted one that wouldn’t leave me alone?”

Aeris: “No!! That was Tifa! She didn’t die either!”

Cloud: “The robot thing with the mog and the m-phone?”

Aeris: “No, that was Cait Sith, you idiot! I’m Aeris! We went on that date at Gold Saucer!”

Cloud: *pouts* “I wanted one with Barret.”

Aeris: “Cloud! How could you do this to me!? I love you!”

Cloud: “Do you think there’s a chance Zack lived?”

Aeris: “Arrrgggh!!! You were always so dense, Cloud! I even flashed you and you didn’t even care! You just started talking about Sephiroth!” *stomps off*

Irvine: *calls after her* “You can flash me!! I’ll stare!”

Tidus: “Well that got us nowhere.”

Sephiroth: “You idiot, Cloud! How could you confuse her with Cait Sith!? Cait Sith’s much nicer!”

Cloud: “Well, you have my apologies, Sephiroth, but I cannot help my poor memory.”

Sephiroth: *shakes fist* “Maybe this’ll help!”

Vincent: “Angel, violence won’t help.”

Sephiroth: “Of course it will!”

Rufus: “Sephiroth, relax and tell us who the second person is.”

Sephiroth: “Oh right.” *looks at tseng* “You’re on, pretty boy.”

Tseng: *sweat drop* “Me?”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, you! You were childhood friends! You’re the only one in here who actually likes her!”

Irvine: “I think she’s hot!”

Everyone: “Shut up, Irvine!”

Tseng: *sigh* “I don’t know… After I joined Shinra and kidnapped her and slapped her across the face we kinda had a falling out.”

Sephiroth: “Hey. You were only doing your job. And besides, she deserved that slap!”

Tseng: “I don’t know…”

Sephiroth: “Just do a better job than Cloud!” *calls* “Oh, Aeris!”

Aeris: “What is it now, you moron?”

Sephiroth: “Maybe you want to talk to Tseng now!”

Aeris: *comes over and glares at tseng* “What?”

Tseng: “Um, hi, Aeris. How’s it going?”

Aeris: “Oh, now you’re nice to me?”

Tseng: “Uh…yeah, I guess so.”

Aeris: “You’re a jerk! We’re supposed to be friends and you slapped me! I hate you! Don’t talk to me!”

Tseng: *bursts into tears* “You’re so mean! That’s why I slapped you!”

Sephiroth: “Okay, this is getting us nowhere. Aeris, why the hell are we in here?”

Aeris: “Why? I’ll tell you why! Because I’m getting revenge! I die half-way through the game and got nothing outta Cloud, everyone calls me a skank and I’m not allowed in the rambles! That’s why!”

Sephiroth: “Okay, first of all, you are a skank. Second of all, you’ll never be in the rambles, and third of all, Cloud’s GAY!”

Cloud: *blink blink* “That would explain those dreams…”

Aeris: “Won’t get in the rambles, huh? We’ll see about that! I took you all prisoner so the others will come looking for you. And if they want you back they’re gonna have to let me in the rambles!”

Zell: “Uh… I don’t think that’s gonna happen. There’s no way Lark’s gonna let you in the rambles. She hates you!”

Squall: “Whatever… We’ll find a away out.”

Zidane: “Yeah! Either that or they’ll break us out when they come to rescue us!”

Aeris: “Hahaha! That’s what you think! Only I know how to open the cage! There’s no use trying to escape! You’ll only burn yourself!”

Sephiroth: *frowning* “I noticed.”

Laguna: “Hey hey! That’s not cool!”

Algus: “If I were you, I’d let us out right now. We have very powerful friends who would kill for a penny.”

Zidane: “…I hope he’s not talking about me…”

Aeris: “Hey! Don’t try to threaten me! I’ll use my limit break on you!”

Sephiroth: “And what? Heal us all to death!?”

Aeris: “That’s it! I’m separating you!”

(she presses a big red button on the wall that suddenly separates the cage in two. One of the sides starts to sink into the floor.)

Rufus: “No!! Algus!”

Zidane: “Yay!! No more Algus!”

Algus: *on the sinking part* “I’ll get you for that later, slave.”

Zidane: *hangs head* “Yes, sir.”

Reno: “Irvine!! Jump, man!”

Irvine: *on the sinking piece* “I can’t! I’m too scared to stand!” *falls down*

Setzer: “Edgar!!! No!!”

Edgar: *running to the edge* “Setzer!!”

(more bars pop up along the sides that were bare. Setzer and edgar stare at one another miserably through them)

Setzer: “Eddie…”

Edgar: “Oh no… Oh no…”

Zell: “Oh no! Wakka! And Tidus! My dudes!”

Wakka: “We’ll be okay, ya?”

Tidus: “Don’t worry about us! We got Sin! We can get the chick!”

Sephiroth: *glaring at auron* “Dammit. It figures.”

Aeris: “Geez. Have those girls turned you all yaoi?”

Rufus: “Hey, Algus and I are just good friends!”

Aeris: “Yeah. Right.”

Zell: “Hey, that’s right!” *puts an arm around rufus* “I’m his boyfriend.”

Rufus: *hits himself in the forehead* “Oh, geez.”

Sephiroth: “You won’t get away with this, Aeris. You don’t know what you’re up against! Just wait until our friends come looking for us! Then you’ll be sorry!”

………………………………………………………………………………………..

(back in loser land, the whole gang is circled around a table where a few weapons lay.)

Lark: “Okay. We have a spear, a broken gunblade, a sword, katal, an anchor and a lance.”

Twilight: “And my lightsaber!”

Barret: “Yo! And my gun arm!”

Reeve: “And my paperclip.”

Noelle: “I think I have that nail file…somewhere…”

Ashley: “Seifer, why is your gunblade broken?”

Seifer: “I was trying to change the channels on the TV with it, but I just ended up dropping it and stepping on it. So I can’t really shoot anything, but I can kinda still slash stuff.”

Ashley: *hits herself in the head*

Rinoa: “Hey, what about our weapons?”

Lark: “Yeah, no offense, but all you girls have crappy weapons.”

Selphie: “Hey!!!”

Reeve: “What about using Cait Sith?”

Lark: “Reeve. That thing hates you. Why do you still insist on using it?”

Reeve: “I don’t know… I think it’s taken over part of my brain.”

Noelle: “No! Lark said no crappy weapons!”

Lark: “Unfortunately we have no hair clips for Red and nothing for Shadow to throw.”

Red: “I am useless.” *hangs head*

Shadow: “I knew I shouldn’t have thrown all those shirukens for Interceptor to catch.”

Interceptor: *yips happily*

Seymour: “Well… What about magic?”

Lulu: “Yeah, that’s always been my real weapon.”

Shell: “Isn’t that your only one?”

Lulu: “No…” *holds out stuffed animal* “This is.”

Yuffie: “And yet *ours* are wimpy!”

Shell: “Hey, Lark! Don’t forget Rude’s fists! They hurt!”

Rude: “Thanks, Shell.”

Lark: “Oh right. And magic is good too, Lulu, Vivi…” *shudder* “Seymour.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I can bite things!”

Hojo: “I have a brigade of flesh eating creatures at my disposal…of course they may eat us by accident…”

Scarlet: *shrugs* “I can try and pass on my diseases.”

Lark: *shudders* “Uh, thanks anyway.”

Kefka: “Hehehehehehe! I’ll scare them away!”

Everyone: *blink blink*

Lark: “Why am I thinking that might actually work?”

Nida: “What about my weapon?”

Scarlet: “If you’re talking about that nerf gun you were sporting the other day, just shut up now.”

Nida: “No, skank! I’m a SeeD! I have a real weapon!”

Lark: “And what might that be?”

Nida: “A flame thrower.”

Everyone: *blink blink*

Lark: “No, seriously. Come on.”

Nida: “I’m serious!” *grins* “Only flame thrower expert at the Garden that I drive!”

Seifer: “He doesn’t have a flame thrower! He’s a loser! He probably uses paperclips or something!”

Reeve: *hangs head* “…Oh…”

Lark: “Okay, fine. So Nida has a flame thrower. All the better, considering he doesn’t blow us all up with it!”

Nida: “Hey! I won’t! I’m an expert!”

Scarlet: “The other day you claimed to be a chess expert. Then Heidegger beat you fives times.”

Heidegger: “I don’t even know how to play! Gya haa haa!”

Nida: “Well, I lied about that!”

Scarlet: “Who says you’re not lying now?”

Nida: “Shut up, whore! I wouldn’t lie about a weapon!”

Seifer: “That’s more my style.”

Lark: “Look, we can’t afford to chat all day. We have to get the guys back!”

Tifa: “Hey, can I say something?”

Lark: “If you feel you need to.”

Tifa: “I’m just wondering… What could we possibly be going up against here? This is Aeris we’re talking about. She thinks she can hurt things with a stupid rod.”

Barret: “Yo! That’s even crappier than cat/rat/moo’s hair clip!”

Red: *sigh* “Out of all the other weapons he could have picked to insult…”

Lark: “I’m aware of Aeris’ suckage factor. But the thing is she managed to capture all these guys who could kick some serious ass.”

Ashley: “Point taken. And imagine what she must be doing to them to get them to stay put!”

Seifer: “Why couldn’t *I* have gotten kidnapped?!”

Selphie: “Um, hey, guys? Sorry to butt in, but where does this Aeris person live?”

Lark: “Uh, well…”

Noelle: “She uh…”

Lark: “…Oh crap.”

……………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile, back in the top cage…we have vincent, seph, rufus, tseng, reno, zell, zidane, kuja, auron, and edgar. rufus is pouting)

Rufus: “This is great. I get stuck with all the gay guys, and Reno.”

Edgar: *eyes widen*

Rufus: “Oh, and Edgar. Sorry. Didn’t see you there a second.”

Edgar: *sweat drop* “Heh… That’s okay.”

Zell: “…I’m kinda scared, you guys.”

Zidane: “Is it just me, or is it getting colder in here?”

Auron: “It is becoming a bit chilly.”

Reno: “Great. Now the bitch is gonna freeze us.”

Kuja: “This isn’t good. My lips are getting chapped and I don’t have any chap stick!”

Tseng: *sad sigh* “I miss my husband.”

Edgar: “Me too. ….Er…as in, I miss Setzer, my friend. I miss my friend Setzer.”

Vincent: “Angel? Are you all right? You haven’t said much.”

Sephiroth: “I feel like a complete idiot.”

Vincent: “Why?”

Sephiroth: “Because that stupid bitch has trapped us, and there’s no way out.”

Zell: “Hey… You guys think Lark will come look for us, right? And everyone else?”

Tseng: “Of course.”

Rufus: “Of course she will, Zell! They’re gonna come marching in here and kick her ass! Then we’ll see who dares to cross with Rufus Shinra again!”

Reno: “Hey, you guys?”

Zidane: “What?”

Reno: “You know that cold air?”

Zidane: “Yeah…”

Reno: “…I think it’s coming from below us.”

(everyone peers down at the floor)

Rufus: “Oh no!!! What–is she freezing them to death!?!”

Edgar: *banging on the floor desperately* “No, no, no! This can’t be! She can’t be killing them!! Setzer!”

Zell: “Do you think they can hear us???” *yells* “Wakka!!! Tidus!!! Squallllllllllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Reno: *yelling* “Irvine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Rufus: *yells* “ALLLLLLLLLLGGGGGGGUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!”

Sephiroth: “Shush!! Shut up, you idiots! They can’t hear you!”

Edgar: *looks like he’s gonna cry* “Do you really think she’ll kill them?”

Zidane: “Yeah! Come on, ‘Roth–she’s from your game!”

Sephiroth: “I don’t know! We weren’t exactly buddy-buddy!” *looks at vincent* “Come on, Vince. You spent time with her.”

Vincent: *sighs* “I would say she doesn’t mean to *kill* them. Lark would most certainly not put her in the rambles if she did. But…perhaps she does mean to torture them a bit.”

Auron: “Hm. Only them? I would think we’d get it as well.”

Rufus: “Oh, come on. There has to be a way out of here! There’s a flaw in every evil genius’ plan! Right?! Right?!?!?!”

Sephiroth: “Look, we’re trapped. Unless someone is thin enough to slip between the bars.”

Kuja: “Well, I have been watching my figure.”

Rufus: “You Turks are worthless! You’re fired!”

Tseng: “What the hell do you want us to do?”

Reno: “We’re caged like lab rats. There’s nothing to do but wait for the others to come and free us.”

Zell: “I wish there was at least a water bottle or something.”

Everyone: *gives him a weird look*

Zell: “…What? I’m kinda thirsty…”

……………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile, in the other cage below, everyone in there appears to be freezing.)

Irvine: “Okay–screw that chick! She’s *not* hot! I’m freezin’ my ass off!”

Squall: “…Finally.”

Algus: “What a terrible way for a noble to be treated! That peasant girl should be executed immediately!”

Locke: “I’m down with that!!”

Setzer: “Me too…” *glances up with a worried look* “Do you think the others are okay?”

Wakka: “I hope so, ya.”

Tidus: “Maybe they’re thinkin’ of a way to get us outta here.”

Laguna: “Hey hey! I can see my breath in here!”

Irvine: “This is not cool. NOT COOL!” *rubs his arms*

Cloud: “Quite unfortunate this is. Too bad that girl is so mean. What’s her name again?”

Everyone: “AERIS!”

Cloud: “Oh. Right.”

Setzer: “This is horrible…” *shudders* “Do you think we’ll get rescued soon?”

Wakka: “Definitely, ya. Ya, ya, ya.”

Setzer: “Come on, Locke! You’re a thief–“

Locke: “Treasure hunter!!”

Setzer: “…Whatever. Can’t you get us out of here?”

Locke: “They’re solid bars, Setzer–solid bars we can’t touch at that. And the floor is concrete. What am I supposed to do? Tunnel through the floor?”

Setzer: “…You’re right. I just–“

Locke: “Miss Edgar.”

Setzer: “Shush!! Someone will hear you!”

Irvine: “I’m freezing!!!” *teeth chatter* “That’s it! I’m never calling that chick hot again!”

Everyone: “Good!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, back at the ranch…er…loser land…)

Lark: “Okay, everyone. Let’s play a game. ‘Where would Aeris take her sack of bishounen’?”

Tifa: “The Honeybee Inn?”

Ashley: “Oh now really!”

Tifa: “What? You should have seen what she wore there the first time! I think she *wanted* to get picked!”

Barret: “Yo! They ain’t at North Corel! That a fact!”

Cid: “$%#@$^@#%^#$%^@^@#!”

Everyone: “Yeah… I don’t think so…”

Red: “What about Midgar?”

Reeve: *frowns* “No one in their right mind would go to Midgar.”

Yuffie: “What about Wutai?”

Barret: “Yo! She ain’t gonna take ’em to no Turk vacation spot!”

Rude: “Junon?”

Noelle: “Too many people. Think of somewhere with less people!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Gold Saucer!”

Lark: “Okay, now you’re just getting stupid.”

Hojo: “What about Kalm?”

Scarlet: “Kalm sucks.”

Reeve: “*I’m* from Kalm.”

Scarlet: “Like I said. Kalm sucks.”

Yuffie: “What’s the hell’s left then? Gongaga?!”

Ashley: “Yeah. She took them there.” *rolls eyes* “Why not that crashed ship on the bottom of the ocean?”

Red: “Maybe they went to Cosmo Canyon.”

Barret: “Yo! This ain’t no time to be roasting chocobo over the open flame!”

Shell: “What the heck else is left?”

Tifa: “…Nibelheim.”

Everyone: *blink blink*

Barret: “Yo, if they be there, I don’t care! They can save themselves. I ain’t goin’ back to no freak town!”

Lark: “This is stupid. We can’t blindly go through every freakin’ town! And you guys forgot Icicle Inn!”

Scarlet: “And that stupid bird place. I thought we were only talking about places that actually matter.”

Hojo: “I believe I know a way to figure out where Aeris has been hiding.”

Lark: “All right then. What is it?”

Hojo: “I’ll use my seeking goggles and observe the floor where she has stepped. If she has so much left a speck of dirt, I shall be able to ascertain from once she came.”

Barret: “Yo! Speak english, doc!”

Hojo: *sigh* “If anything fell off her shoe I’ll be able to find out where it came from.”

Lark: “Well go to it then!”

(hojo gets out these really weird looking goggles and puts them on. everyone then follows him to kuja’s room)

Twilight: “Ack!! So much pink! I’m blind!! I’m blind!”

Opal: “I think it’s pretty!”

Lark: “Well? Anything?”

Hojo: “Ah ha! There is a tiny speck of dirt here!” *leans in closer* “Ah ha! ….Interesting… Interesting…”

Noelle: “What’s interesting?!”

Hojo: “This carpet is very well made.”

Noelle: “Get to the dirt, you creepy old freak! I want my Reno back!”

Hojo: “Oh right. Well, that’s simple. They’re at the City of the Ancients.”

Everyone: *blink blink*

Tifa: “…Why didn’t anyone think of that?”

Lark: “Because. That place….sucks.”

Rinoa: “Well, let’s get going! I want my Squall back!”

Steiner: “We have to save Master Algus!”

Vivi: “And Zidane!”

Reeve: “And Tseng!”

Noelle: “And Reno!”

Tifa: “And Cloud!”

Elena: “And–“

Lark: “Okay, that’s enough. We’re all well aware of who’s missing. Let’s just grab our weapons and head on out! To the Highwind!”

Cid: “@%#@^$%^$@^#%^#@!”

Everyone: “You said it, Cid!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, back to the top cage…)

Reno: *sings unhappily* “Nobody knows…the trouble I’ve seen…nobody knows…my sorrow…”

Rufus: “Yeah, that’s because you’ve heard yourself singing! Now shut up! You stink!”

Tseng: “It’s better than you rattling off everything in Mr. Jingle’s wardrobe.”

Rufus: “He’s very proud of it!”

Edgar: “It’s freezing up here.” *shivers* “I can only imagine what it must be like down there…” *glances at the floor*

Zell: “My poor friends! My poor Squall! If only I could cuddle him and warm him up!”

Rufus: *shakes head* “I’m not even gonna comment.”

Kuja: “It could be worse.” *is looking at his reflection in seph’s armor* “We could have no mirrors at all!”

Sephiroth: “You’re lucky I’m too cold to move, Kuja. Very, very lucky.”

Vincent: “Why do you think the others aren’t here yet?”

Auron: “Perhaps they ran into some trouble.”

Zidane: “They’ll be here soon. They wouldn’t just leave us.”

Rufus: “That’s right! And there’ll be a big glorious battle, during which we’ll lose the people we can spare for dramatic emphasis. Then there’ll be a big parade, and I’ll ride in the nicest, most expensive car, and everyone will throw confetti and chant: Ru-fus! Ru-fus!” *smiles* “Yup. That’s what’s gonna happen.”

Tseng: “…Rufus’ gone crazy.”

Edgar: *still staring at the floor* “I really hope they get here soon…”

………………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile…on the bottom….everyone is huddled together in one corner, teeth chattering, and freezing. hurry, superman! time is running out!! …*ahem* …anyway…)

……………………………………………………………………………………………

(the gang arrives at the city of the ancients where they see fresh footprints in the dirt.)

Barret: “Yo! Elephant-tusk! You think these footprints belong to yo’ species?”

Red: “They clearly belong to a human girl. You dumbass.”

Barret: “Yo! You better be watchin’ that mouth o’ yours!”

Cid: “#$%@$%#$^#$%#@^$%^$% ^@^@#^ @%#$^%$^ @^%@#%^@$%^@%^@!”

Barret: “Yo! You tell ’em, Cid!”

Noelle: “Shut up and follow the footsteps!!”

(they follow them inside one of the houses. the footsteps stop at a ladder that leads down.)

Reeve: “Oh man! What’s next? A ton of stairs?”

Barret: “Yo! Better damn well not be!”

Lark: “Come on! There’s no time to lose!”

(so everyone climbs down. they come to a small concrete room which has a small stove and a chair and table in it. there’s a tea kettle on the stove, and aeris sits on the chair, a tea cup on the table, her feet up, reading a book called ‘get that man to notice you!’ everyone just kinda stares at her)

Quisitis: “And *this* is who stole the guys?”

Lulu: “Pathetic.”

Aeris: *looks up from her book* “Hey! What are you guys doing here? Why didn’t the alarm go off??”

Lark: “You’re trapped, Aeris! Now hand over the guys!”

Aeris: “I don’t think so! Not unless you meet my demands!”

Lark: “What demands?”

Aeris: “I wanna be in the rambles!”

Lark: “Um… Let’s see… HELL NO! Now give back the guys!”

Aeris: “Not until my demands are met! Until you let me in the rambles, I’ll just torture them more and more! Ahahahaha!”

Tifa: “Torture? Oh no! Poor Cloud!”

Aeris: “Poor Cloud indeed! He deserves to be tortured the most, the jerk!”

Tifa: “Hey! Lay off Cloud! You’re just jealous because he didn’t want you!”

Aeris: “He didn’t want you either! And you waited on him hand and foot!”

Tifa: “Well you shamelessly threw yourself at him!”

Aeris: “So did you, whore!”

Tifa: “Shut up, skank!”

Aeris: “Whore!”

Tifa: “Skank!”

Seifer: “Cat fight!” *gets hit by Ashley* “Ow…”

Yuffie: “Stop fighting! Aeris, just let the guys go.”

Aeris: “No way!!! Hahahahaha! And guess what, Yuffie! I have their materia!”

Yuffie: *gasp* “No!!! You *are* evil! Give that back!”

Seifer: “Cat fight!”

Ashley: “Shut *up*, Seifer!” *smacks him*

Aeris: “You won’t get the guys *or* the materia until you let me in the rambles!!”

(suddenly a robotic voice from somewhere starts saying ‘intruder alert’ over and over and over again…)

Aeris: “Aw, crappity! *Now* the damn alarm goes off! I’ll be right back. You can have some tea, if you want.” *she runs off*

Lark: “Okay, perfect! Let’s split up and find the guys! Ashley, you take one group down those stairs, and I’ll take another up those over there.”

Ashley: “Gotcha. We’ll find the guys in no time!”

Cid: “$^@$#^@$%^%#^$% @%$^@%@ #%^@#%^$%@#^?”

Lark: “…No. I guess we’ll have to pass on the tea. Let’s go!”

(they spilt in two groups, one following Ashley down and one following lark up.)

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

(and so Ashley and her group head down the looooooooong stairway to the bottom.)

Barret: “Yo! Dis sucks!”

Cid: “#$%@#^#@^#@^#$%!”

Tifa: “Cid’s right. It is really cold down here.”

Seifer: “Yeah! This sucks! Let’s go back!”

Ashley: “No, Seifer! Suck it up and be a man for five minutes!”

Seifer: *whines* “Five minutes…”

Yuffie: “Why is it so cold? Doesn’t she have heat or something?!”

Lulu: “If my dress wasn’t so low cut… I’d be warmer… Dammit, I can never win.”

Seymour: “I believe I hear voices.”

Kefka: “Hehehehehe! Human voices…” *rubs hands together*

Ashley: “Okay… How did the freak get in my group?”

Rinoa: “The freaks are right! I hear voices too!!” *running down the steps* “SQUALLLL!!!!!!”

Tifa: “CLOUUUUUUUUUUUUUDDDDDDDD!” *goes running after her*

(everyone else runs down the stairs as well, and they see the group of guys crowded together, staring at them)

Quistis: “It’s *freezing* down here!”

Irvine: “No sh*t!”

Rinoa: “SQUALL!!!!!!!” *runs towards the cage*

Squall: “Rinoa, don’t touch the–“

Rinoa: *grabbing the bars* “OW!”

Squall: “…bars.”

Rinoa: *blowing on her hands* “Ow!!!! What, are they heated?”

Ashley: “Ha ha, crack whore.”

Laguna: “Hey hey! You guys finally came to rescue us!”

Wakka: “We’re freezin’, ya!”

Steiner: “Sir Algus!!! Are you all right?”

Algus: “Get me out of here, Steiner. I’m becoming quite irate and very cold.”

Steiner: “You can count on me, sir!” *salutes* “I am on the task.” *looks around* “Where are the controls??”

Locke: “Hey, Shadow. Where’s Interceptor?”

Shadow: “He…uh…bit someone…so…I…uh…left him home.”

Locke: “Took him to the groomers?”

Shadow: *hangs head* “Yes.”

Locke: “Got him the bubble bath too?”

Shadow: “You’re trapped in a cage in the freezing cold, and yet *still* you must humiliate me?!” *pause* “And of course I did! He’s a special puppy!”

Everyone: *blink blink*

Shadow: “I meant evil…puppy.”

Ashley: “Okay, whatever. Let’s just get these guys outta here!”

?????: *from the shadows* “I don’t *think* so!”

Seifer: “Aw, crap! I told you we shoulda went back!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile, lark and her gang go up the stairs.)

Reeve: *huff puff* “How many more… stairs… do you… think there… are?”

Lark: “For your sake, hon, not much more.”

Twilight: “This chick is going down! Nobody captures a friend of the great Twilight XyXia and gets away with it!”

Nida: “Yeah!”

Twilight: “Shut up, Nida! For the millionth time, we’re not friends!”

Nida: “Well…at least I know how much a million is!”

Twilight: “That’s it!” *reaches for lightsaber*

Opal: “Be nice, Twilight.”

Shell: “Twilight! Save your murderous energy for the enemy for a change!”

Twilight: *mumbles unhappily*

Rude: “…I hear voices.”

Noelle: “Me too!! Reno!!!” *dashes up the stairs*

Reeve: *gasping and tripping over his feet as he runs* “Tseng!!”

Elena: “President Rufus!!”

(they all run up, and sure enough, there are the guys in the cage)

Rufus: “Lark!!! At last!”

Sephiroth: “Took you long enough, woman! Get us out of here–ugh!! Why did you bring the losers?”

Lark: “Hate to say it, Sephy-sama, but without your dad we wouldn’t be here.”

Hojo: “What do you think of *that*, son of mine?”

Sephiroth: *frowns and mumbles unhappily*

Vincent: “Perhaps even *I* will find the words to thank you, Hojo, if you get us out of this cage.”

Kuja: “I’ll find more than words.”

Hojo: “Oh, my pretty angel! I was so worried about you!”

Noelle: “Reno!! I’m so glad you’re okay!”

Reno: “You know me, Sexy. I’m a tough one.” *grin*

Reeve: “Tseng!! Are you okay? You’re not hurt, are you?”

Tseng: “Reeve!! No, I’m okay. Just a little cold.”

Edgar: “Have you seen the others? Are they all right?”

Shell: “The others?”

Auron: “The Aeris girl put their part of the cage below.”

Lark: “Oh, geez. No. I guess Ashley’s group found them though.”

Sephiroth: “Well whoop dee do. Now get us out of here!”

Zell: “Yeah! We’re gonna kick Aeris’ ass!” *punches air*

Zidane: “Oh yeah!”

?????: “Not so fast!”

Noelle: “Aw, crap!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Trapped like skunks!”

Stinky: *snort*

Heidegger: “I mean rats! Gya haa haa!”

(a minute later, Ashley’s group has joined the others, looking quite unhappy. the other cage is being lifted up, but they remain separate.)

Rufus: *gasp* “Algus! You’re alive!”

Algus: “And quite upset, my friend.”

Reno: “Irvine!!”

Irvine: “That chick is not hot! *Not* hot!”

Edgar: “Setzer!! Are you all right?”

Setzer: *shivers as his teeth chatter* “Just… A…. Little… Cold…”

Zell: “Tidus! Wakka! Squall!!! Are you guys okay?”

Tidus: “Cold, but okay.”

Wakka: “We’re strong, ya!”

Squall: “Whatever.”

Seifer: “Ha ha, chicken wuss! You’re stuck in a cage and I’m not!”

Zell: “That’s because I’m better looking than you, jerk!”

Seifer: “Don’t make me come in there!”

Ashley: “Seifer… You *can’t* go in there.”

Seifer: “…Oh. Right.”

Lark: “What stupid idea have you come up with this time, Aeris? You gonna bury them with your cheap ass flowers?”

Aeris: “Nah… I thought acid would be more appropriate.”

(she presses another button, and the floor opens up to reveal a huge vat of acid that bubbles dangerously. all the guys in the cage look increasingly nervous)

Kuja: “No! Not acid!! My pretty face!! What will become of my pretty face?”

Sephiroth: “You idiot, that stuff will kill us!”

Kuja: “I won’t even look good for my coffin!” *starts sobbing*

Reno: “Oh god!! I’m going to hell for sure!”

Rufus: “Me too!!” *sobs* “I knew I should have never done all those bad things, but they were fun!”

Sephiroth: “You did bad things? I’ll get to go on the express line!”

Laguna: “I just want to tell you that I love you, son!”

Squall: “Whatever, dad.”

Zell: “I love you too, Squall!”

Squall: “Oh, boy.”

Irvine: “I’m too young and hot to die! I haven’t even reached my sexual peak! I’m not even old enough to legally buy porn!”

Noelle: “Would you guys stop freaking out?? You’re not gonna die!”

Aeris: “All it will take is a little press of this button…” *puts her finger over the button* “And you can say bye bye to your bishounen.”

Reeve: “Lark! Do something!!!

Lark: “I can’t! I don’t want her in the rambles!”

Sephiroth: “Me neither. I’d rather be dead.”

Tifa: “Let’s attack her!!”

Aeris: “I don’t think so, skank. One false move from anyone, and the guys are taking an acid bath.”

Cid: “#$%@#$^@ #^@#^@$#^@!”

Yuffie: “I think Cid speaks for everyone.”

Lark: “Doesn’t he always.” *puts a hand to her head*

Noelle: “Lark!!! You can’t let the guys die!!”

Lark: “I *know* that, Noelle. I’m trying to think!”

Noelle: “Oh, great. This is gonna end badly.” *calls* “I love you, Reno!”

Reno: “I love you too, Noelle! Promise me you’ll be bad so you can come to hell with me!”

Rufus: “Yeah!! You’ll see me too!”

Reno: “I’ll get in before you do.”

Rufus: “No you won’t.”

Reno: “I totally will.”

Sephiroth: “Oh shut up! I already said I’m getting in first!”

Kiros: “Uh…Laguna? Ward says…he…uh…loves you.”

Laguna: *gasp* “Really, Ward? That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

Ward: *sighs and looks at kiros*

Kiros: *sobs* “Omg, what am I gonna do without him??”

Reeve: “You can’t let them die, Lark! You can’t let Tseng die!! How could you think about letting them die!?”

Lark: “I’m not! Do you really think I would let all these people die *just* so Aeris couldn’t be in the ramble room?”

Everyone: “…….”

Rinoa: “I LOVE YOU, SQUALL!”

Lark: “Oh, geez. No one has any faith in me.”

Scarlet: “You know what stinks?”

Heidegger: “Me? Gya haa haa!”

Scarlet: “No. I never got to sleep with Rufus. And soon he’ll be dead.”

Nida: “Don’t worry, skank! You’ll still have your chance! I’m gonna use my flame thrower on Aeris!! Then we can save everyone. …Except Squall. I think he might get accidentally pushed into the acid.”

Scarlet: “Whatever. I wish I had a cigarette.”

Reeve: “You can’t use your flame thrower here, Nida! There’s not enough room! You’ll take half of us with you!”

Nida: “You’ll be noble sacrifices.” *goes to use it*

Reeve: “No!!” *dives on nida*

(reeve falls on nida, who falls on scarlet, who falls on heidegger, who knocks down everyone standing around him, who knocks down more and more people.)

Aeris: “What the heck…?”

(red bumps into barret, who goes flying)

Barret: “Yo!! Dat ain’t cool!”

(he falls to the ground, and rolls, banging into aeris)

Aeris: “Wahh!!” *trips over barret and hits her head on the ground falling unconscious*

Everyone: *blink blink*

Ashley: “Well that was weird.”

Tifa: “Is she dead, or just unconscious?”

Barret: “Yo! She just be knocked out!”

Lark: “Someone get her out of here before she comes to.”

Twilight: “I’ll take care of that!” *evil laughter*

(he grabs aeris and starts heading out)

Opal: “I’m watching you, Twilight!” *hurries to follow*

Lark: “You see, I knew if I stalled long enough I wouldn’t have to give her the satisfaction that she could be let in.”

Noelle: “Yeah, whatever. Let’s just free the guys.”

(reeve and hojo are examining the control panel.)

Hojo: “Well, closing the acid is simple enough.” *presses a button*

(the cover closes over the acid)

Reno: “Whew. Looks like I’ve got a little while longer to repent.”

Zidane: “You won’t repent.”

Reno: “Damn straight I won’t!”

Reeve: “And I believe this will take the heat from the bars.” *pressing a button*

Sephiroth: *tentatively touching one* “…Yeah. Cold.”

Hojo: “Now to only lower and open the cages…” *rubs chin* “I believe we will have to input her secret code…”

Irvine: “Code?? Oh, great. We’ll never get out!”

Reeve: “I got it!!”

(he types something in, and the cages come to the ground, the bars going away)

Everyone: “Hooray!!!”

(they all run to greet on another)

Tseng: “Reeve!!” *runs up and kisses him* “Looks like you saved me for a change! What was the code?”

Reeve: “Easy: Cloud.” *grins* “I’m so glad you’re safe, honey.”

Irvine: “REEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!” *runs up and knocks reno down*

Reno: “Umph!”

Irvine: *sobbing* “I almost died! I almost died without tasting every kind of beer!”

Reno: *pats him on the back* “It’s okay, man. We’ll work on that.”

Noelle: “Reno!” *pushes irvine off and hugs him* “I guess now I can go back to being good, huh?”

Reno: “You were never good, Sexy.”

Noelle: *grins* “I know.”

Zell: *high fiving wakka and tidus* “I bet this feels better than winning the Blitzball championship, huh?”

Wakka: “Pretty much, ya!”

Rinoa: *hugging squall* “Oh, Squall! I’m glad you’re not dead!”

Squall: “Me too.”

Nida: “Hey, Squall. I helped save you. That means you owe me forever and ever and ever. So you can tell Headmaster Cid I should be in charge of Garden now.”

Squall: “Shut up, Nida.”

Algus: “Slave! I’m cold. Fetch me a blanket.”

Zidane: “I’m cold too! And I don’t know where to get any blankets!”

Steiner: *kissing algus’ hand while on one knee* “Sir Algus! I’m so sorry!! I’ll never let you down again!”

Algus: “You’re quite forgiven, Steiner. Do not worry yourself.”

Hojo: “Well, Vincent. Where is that thank you you spoke of? With the thankfulness and the praise, and the forgiveness and so on and so forth!”

Vincent: “Yes… Thank you, Alexander.”

Hojo: *blink blink* “That’s it?”

Vincent: “You’re quite lucky you got that much.” *walks off*

Sephiroth: “And you ain’t gettin’ crap outta me, old man!” *follows*

Hojo: *sigh* “Oh well. At least I have my lovely lamb chop back.”

Kuja: *looking at himself in his compact* “And I can look upon myself properly once more.”

Edgar: “SETZER!!!”

Setzer: “EDGAR!!!”

(they grab one another and hug tightly)

Edgar: “Oh, I was so worried about you!”

Setzer: “I thought I’d never see you again!”

(they kiss briefly)

Edgar: “I love you.”

Setzer: “I love you too.”

Everyone: “….” *blink blink*

Edgar and Setzer: *quickly drawing apart* “Uh…”

Edgar: *clears throat* “In a friendly way.”

Setzer: “Yes. In a completely non-sexual manner.”

Sephiroth: “Whatever. Let’s just find our weapons and get the hell outta here.”

Lark: “I think you guys could use a quick trip to the hospital to make sure you’re all okay.”

Sephiroth: “Cloud and I are kinda burnt…”

Tifa: “Poor Cloud.” *pats him on the head*

Cloud: “Where’s Zack?”

Tifa: *takes out booze* “You know, sometimes I can see why Aeris hates you.” *sighs and pours the liquor down cloud’s throat*

Yuffie: “Speaking of Aeris, what’s gonna happen to her?”

Locke: “Who cares??”

Sephiroth: “Don’t worry. With Twilight, she’s in good hands.”

Lark: “You mean good hands for being tortured.”

Sephiroth: “Exactly.”

(and so the guys go over to the hospital. lark sits next to seph while doctor zack wraps his hands in gauze)

Sephiroth: “Aw, man! How am I supposed to hold my sword like this?”

Lark: “You’ll just have to take it easy for awhile. Thanks, Doctor Zack.”

Doctor Zack: “No problem. At least you didn’t break your foot this year.”

Lark: “Thank goodness. You always seem to be here. Don’t you ever go off duty?”

Doctor Zack: “I guess it’s just a coincidence that I’m always on duty when you tend to be here.”

Lark: “Well, that’s a good thing! How is everyone?”

Doctor Zack: “Everyone’s fine. No one else seems to have any burns.”

Tifa: *shoving cloud into the room* “C’mon, Cloud. Get your burns tended to.” *stomps out*

Cloud: “Oh, I do hate the Doctor’s office…” *spots zack* “Oh.” *blink blink* “Hello.”

Doctor Zack: “Hello. Come right in, and let’s take a look at those burns.”

Cloud: *sitting down* “Pardon me for asking, but have we met?”

Doctor Zack: *looking him over* “Come to think of it, you do look familiar. I can’t quite place you.”

Cloud: *shrugs* “Same here. Quite strange.”

Doctor Zack: “Yeah. Okay, let’s take a look at your hands.”

(cloud holds up his hands. he wears a ring on one hand)

Doctor Zack: “That’s a nice ring you have there. Looks a lot like mine.”

Cloud: “Oh. Where did you get yours?”

Doctor Zack: “I got married in Vegas last year. I was a little drunk.” *chuckles* “It’s silly to wear it, considering I don’t know what guy has the other one, but… I kinda like it anyway.”

Cloud: “That’s quite a story. I got mine quite the same way! Unfortunately, once I sobered up I couldn’t remember a blasted thing!”

Doctor Zack and Cloud: *chuckle uncomfortably*

Lark and Sephiroth: *exchange a look*

Doctor Zack: “Well, then, Cloud. I’m just going to get you some cream and gauze for your hands. They’ll heal fine.” *looks him over again* “I just wish I remember where I’ve seen you.” *he leaves*

Cloud: “That Doctor is quite nice. What’s his name?”

Lark: “Uh… Doctor Zack.”

Cloud: “Zack…hmmm…why does that sound so familiar?”

Lark: *whispers to seph* “Hey, Seph… You don’t think–“

Sephiroth: “*No*. I do not think Aeris and Tifa ever had a thing together. Why do people keep asking me that?”

Lark: *blink blink* “I wasn’t…” *sigh* “Never mind. I’m too tired to get involved. Whatever happens will happen.”

Sephiroth: “You better watch yourself, woman. You’re starting to sound like Auroran.”

Lark: “It’s Auron.”

Sephiroth: “I don’t care.”

(dr zack comes back in and starts tending to cloud’s hands. cloud watches him intently)

Sephiroth: “This anniversary sucks. No one died, no one hooked up, and no one declared their undying love for anyone. What kind of milestone is this?”

Lark: *watching cloud and dr zack smile at one another with a smile of her own* “A quiet one.”

THE END 

 

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