Vincent: “I gave him a book of fifteen minute mysteries as an early Christmas present. That may have something to do with it.”

Originally Published: 12/29/01 . 19 pages

Synopsis
Will Sephiroth, Vincent and Zidane be able to solve the mystery before Christmas is over?

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

  In this part, Sephiroth acts even zanier, Seifer opens presents not meant for him, Rude is staring at the sun until he can smear his Christmas gift on his girlfriend, and Zell turns up on a gay cruise. For the food. I have to admit these turned out pretty funny despite my struggle with it. I think the cruise ship gang definitely steals the show. Also I was finally jumping on the Harry Potter bandwagon by this point, as you can tell by my gift in this ramble.

(we pick up with the farm again. sephiroth, zidane and vincent are sitting around the kitchen table. it appears to be very, very early christmas morning. angelo is asleep on the floor, wagging her tail idly)

Sephiroth: “Okay, let’s go over this again. Vincent, my notes, please.”

(vincent holds up a wipe and write board. there are doodles of xmas trees and angels around the edges, as well as v.v. loves sephiroth written in little hearts. in the center it says: ghost=haunted, land=expensive, ghost=wants ‘haunted’ land)

Sephiroth: “Okay, Zidane, as you can see here, whoever is dressing up as the ghost is trying to scare the family off the land so they can have it for their own. One of those stupid Kinneas brothers said before that the land is worth a lot.”

Zidane: “It was Dallas.”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, they all look the same to me.”

Zidane: “Well who do you think it is?”

Sephiroth: “Well, duh. It’s Houston, of course. He did it before, and that means he has to do it again.”

Vincent: “That seems far too obvious.”

Sephiroth: “No it’s not, Vincent. I’m just really smart.”

Zidane: “Yeah, I don’t know, Seph… It’s seems kinda stupid for Houston to try and screw over his family *again*.”

Sephiroth: “Well who says he’s not stupid? I mean look at Billy Bob. It’s in his blood!”

Zidane: *shrugs* “All right, fine. Let’s say you’re right. Now what?”

Sephiroth: “Easy. We have to catch him in the act.”

Vincent: “I suppose that involves another night of no sleep?”

Sephiroth: “It sure does. Better break out the pep pills.”

Zidane: “I wonder if anyone else saw the ghost.”

Sephiroth: “Who knows…” *eyes narrow* “We’ll have to wait to find out.”

Vincent: *coughs softly*

Sephiroth: “Dammit, Vincent! You did it again!”

Vincent: “…Sorry, my angel.”

………………………………………………………………………………………..

(and as the dawn breaks on christmas morning, sephiroth, zidane and vincent are all asleep on the table as the others come downstairs. we can now see a ton of gifts piled under the christmas tree)

Shell: “Wow! How many of those are mine, Rude?”

Rude: “Most of them, Shell.”

(everyone runs over to the presents, except for lark and irvine, who spot the ‘guards’ fast asleep)

Lark: “Heh. Seems like they fell asleep on the job.”

Irvine: “Oh well. Not like there was going to be any trouble anyway.”

Reno: “Hey, Irvine, man. You wanna hear something weird?”

Austin: “Hey, man! You promised not to tell anyone!”

Reno: “…I…wasn’t going to tell him about that.”

Austin: “Oh.” *turns red* “Right. Not like there’s anything to tell anyway.”

Reno: “…Yeah. Anyway, man. I got up last night to use the john, and I *swear* I saw a ghost walking in the field. Is your land haunted or something?”

(immediately everyone gasps and freezes)

Irvine: *sweat drop* “Heh heh. Hey, man. You sure you weren’t drunk or somethin’?”

Reno: “I only had a six pack last night. That’s not drunk.”

Irvine: *frowning* “You’re right…”

Cal: “Did he say he saw a ghost? I saw one too, walkin’ yonder ‘cross the field!”

Ashley: “I saw it too!”

Laguna: “Hey hey! So did I!”

Rinoa: “And me!!”

Pa: “Are ya’ll sure? What were ya’ll doin’ up so late last night anyway?”

Gramps: “I saw it too, sonny, comin’ from the barn.”

Houston “This is crazy! We’ve ain’t never seen a ghost here before!”

(sephiroth suddenly awakens like he was never asleep to begin with and stands up, kicking zidane and vincent awake in the process)

Sephiroth: “A ghost you say…? We saw it too last night.”

Billy Bob: “I seen a ghost last night too!”

Dallas: “We already said there was a ghost, you idiot. Shut yer trap.”

Sephiroth: “…Anyway. After thinking logically on the subject, I discerned that the ghost could not be real, and was, in fact, someone trying to make it look like the farm was haunted.”

Cal: “You mean to try ‘n scare us away from the farm so that they could take it for themselves and sell it.”

Sephiroth: “Precisely, brother number four. And I think it’s quite obvious who that someone is.”

Everyone: *looks at houston*

Houston: “Aw, confederate crap.”

Austin: “How could ya do this to us again?!”

Houston: “I didn’t! It wasn’t me, I swear!”

Dallas: “As if one time wasn’t enough! I wish they’d never given you parole!”

Houston: “But it wasn’t me! I was upstairs asleep by myself!”

Cal: “By yourself! How convenient that no one can prove it!”

Houston: “But, I–“

Pa: “I’m disappointed in you, son.”

Houston: “Pa, I–“

Ma: “Good! Go back to jail and stay out of this house! More of you should be like Houston!”

Houston: “But, Ma, I didn’t–“

Irvine: “You’re a disgrace, man.”

Houston: “But I really didn’t–“

Billy Bob: “And you ruined Christmas!”

Houston: *hangs head* “It wasn’t me.”

Gramps: “Let’s lock ‘im in the barn!”

Kinneas brothers: “Yeah!”

(they all grab houston and drag him off while everyone else watches in shock. well, except for shell. she’s opening a gift.)

Shell: “Is this 24 karat gold, Rude?”

Rude: “Yes, Shell.”

Shell: “You’ve done good, Rude. Ya done good.” *blinks* “Hey. What’s everyone so quiet about?”

…………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, on the boat…tseng and reeve are at breakfast with hojo and kuja and they DO NOT look happy.)

Hojo: “Did you like all your Christmas presents, my pet?” *strokes kuja’s hair*

Kuja: “All except that last one. That really wasn’t much of a present.”

Hojo: “It was for me.”

Tseng: *mutters to reeve* “I think I’m going to be sick.”

Reeve: *quietly* “This is the worst Christmas ever.”

Tseng: “…It’s about to get worse.”

San Diego: *bounds over* “Hi~i! How’s your morning going?”

Tseng: “…Horrible.”

San Diego: *squeezing into the booth next to reeve* “And you’ll never believe it! I met up with that hot blonde again! I just love his tattoo. It’s so sexy.”

Tseng: *blink blink*

Reeve: *eagerly* “Did you get his name?”

San Diego: “No! I forgot. Why?” *bats eyelashes* “You getting tired of Zeng over here?”

Tseng: “Hey! No one said you could use the Japanese pronunciation of my name.”

Kuja: “You tell him, sweetheart.”

Reeve: “It’s not that at all! It’s just… I’ve seen someone we know around here…”

Tseng: “He *thinks* he saw.”

Reeve: “I did! Really!”

Hojo: “Wait a minute…” *eyes san diego* “You’re Irvine’s brother… You attacked my angel last night!”

San Diego: *to kuja* “Is that your boyfriend?”

Kuja: *snorts* “He wishes.”

San Diego: “What is he, like 60?”

Kuja: “At least.”

San Diego: “Why are you with him?”

(kuja holds out his hand. there are really, really, REALLY expensive rings on all his fingers. it’s amazing he can hold up his hand there are so many jewels.)

San Diego: *blinks in amazement* “Well kiss my grits.”

Kuja: “I always say that the biggest part of the man has to be his wallet.”

Hojo: *mumbles* “Thank god.”

San Diego: “Well that sounds nothing like me.” *grin*

Kuja: “You seem even sluttier than Tseng.”

San Diego: “Thanks!”

Tseng: *eyes narrow* “Hey!”

Reeve: “Aw, honey, are you offended?”

Tseng: *blink blink* “…I should be… Shouldn’t I?”

Kuja: “Oh, *here’s* a little tidbit of info. I saw this man who was HORRENDOUSLY dressed this morning. He looked as if he felt into the gift wrap department at Macy’s.”

San Diego: *gasps* “Did he have his hair sticking out every which way?!”

Kuja: “Yes.” *snorts* “As if *that* was the style.”

San Diego: “I know! He didn’t even look post trend. More like anti post trend.”

(he and kuja laugh)

Reeve: *whispers to tseng* “What are they talking about?”

Tseng: “…I have *no* idea…”

Kuja: “And *really*. If you’re going to wear a v-cut down to your navel, *don’t* have ugly tattoos on your chest.”

San Diego: “Absolutely. Ooh, you know that blonde I was talking about? His tattoo was on his *face*.”

Reeve: *gasps and looks at tseng*

Tseng: “I’m sure lots of people have tattoos on their faces.”

Reeve: *gives him a look*

Tseng: “…It’s just not Zell, okay!? It can’t be! Zell would not be here on Christmas! No way, no how. If he’s here I swear I’ll sleep with a gir–“

????: “Hey!! Are you guys talking about me?”

(everyone turns to see zell running up to them, grinning. tseng turns deathly pale)

Zell: “Hey, San Diego! What’s up?”

San Diego: “Wow! You look even cuter when I can see your whole face!”

Zell: “Thanks! Merry Christmas, you guys! They’re having a Christmas luau later with a limbo contest and everything!”

Kuja: “I’ll win that.”

Hojo: “What makes you so confident?”

Kuja: *gives him a sharp look*

Hojo: “…Oh right. What was I thinking?”

Tseng: *quietly to reeve* “Maybe…it’s a different Zell?”

San Diego: “Omg!! Wait a minute! You’re Zell! That friend of Irvine’s! That SeeD from Balamb Garden who hates Seifer and loves hot dogs!”

Zell: “You bet!”

Tseng: *lifelessly* “Oh…geez…”

Zell: “Wow! I didn’t know you were coming, Tseng and Reeve! Cool!”

Reeve: “Uh…Zell? Can I ask you a question?”

Zell: “Sure!”

Reeve: “….Why are you here?”

Zell: “Well if it isn’t obvious!” *grin* “For the food!” *he waves* “See you guys later!” *he runs off*

San Diego: *dreamy sigh* “He loves hot dogs… I love hot dogs… I think I just found my soul mate.” *he runs off after zell*

Kuja: “…I’m not sure whether I should take that literally or perversely.”

Hojo: “I’m taking it perversely. Then again, I take everything perversely. Would you like some sausage?”

Kuja: *grimaces* “No thanks. I have a headache.”

(reeve looks over at tseng, who’s still totally pale)

Reeve: “Uh…honey? What was that you said you’d do if it was Zell?”

Tseng: *clamoring out of the booth* “I’m gonna be sick!!!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile, in loser land! yes, loser land! with the losers, and the jerks and so on and so forth! anyway, heidegger and stinky are eating the batter of christmas cookies they’re *supposed* to be making. scarlet is decorating the tree, and nida is lighting the menorah. –remember, he’s jewish.)

Nida: *sings* “Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel! I made you out of clay! And when it’s dry and ready my dreidel — OW!” *rubs the back of his head sorely* “Scarlet, you stupid bitch hoe! You ruined my song!”

Scarlet: “Good! Your singing sucks and Hanukkah was a freakin’ *week* ago!”

Nida: *stuttering* “S-shut up! I can celebrate all year if I want!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Undercooked!” *shoves dough in his mouth*

Stinky: *snorts*

Scarlet: *annoyed sigh* “You’re lighting things on fire, we’re never getting Christmas cookies, and Kuja ran off to fantasy island with my best bikini!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Sir Stringy the fourth!”

Nida: “Look on the bright side! We all got presents this morning!”

Scarlet: “…Heidegger gave me a crumpled bag of chips he ‘ate by accident’ and *you* gave me a t-shirt that says ‘I Love NIDA’!!!”

Nida: “It’s the thought that counts.”

Heidegger: “I thought of eating! Gya haa haa!” *eats more dough*

Stinky: *snort*

Scarlet: “Stinky got better presents than I did!” *points to a mini motorcycle*

Stinky: *happy snort*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! He’ll ride like the wind!” *pause* “And I just passed some! Gya haa haa!”

(nida and scarlet exchange disgusted looks)

Scarlet: “Yeah… Well this is the worst Christmas ever.”

Nida: “Remember last Christmas? That’s when Kuja came!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Mail order bride gone wrong!”

Scarlet: “It’s been nice having another girl around.”

Nida: “…Hey… You guys don’t think that since FFX came out Lark’s gonna stick us with someone else, right?”

Scarlet: *looks scared* “…I don’t know.”

Nida: “What if it’s some jerk like Squall?”

Scarlet: “What if it’s some freak like Cloud?”

Heidegger: *dough all over his face* “Gya haa haa! It can’t get much worse!”

Stinky: *snort*

Scarlet: *sighs and runs a hand over her face*

Nida: *looking through mail on the table* “Hey! My sister sent me a Hanukkah present!” *he tears it open excitedly then stares at it in horror* “AHHHH!!! It’s a picture of me hugging Squall!!!” *he drops it and runs away screaming*

Scarlet: *picks it up smiling* “Mindy… You have just made my Christmas.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I feel sick now!”

Stinky: *snorts*

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

(and finally, back on that farm, it’s much later in the day. everyone is sitting around, enjoying their presents. well, except for zidane, seph, vincent and angelo, who are nowhere to be seen.)

Ashley: “Hey, Noelle. What did Austin get you for Christmas?”

Noelle: *leans over and whispers something in her ear*

Ashley: *jaw drops* “That’s the same thing Dallas got me!”

Katie: “What?”

Ashley: *whispers to her*

Katie: *smiling* “Yup. Got that too. Greatest present ever, huh?”

Seifer: “Huh? What is it?! I want one too!”

Girls: *exchange looks*

Ashley: “Yeah… Or not.”

Lark: *engrossed in harry potter* “SHUSH! Harry just got a letter from Sirius!”

Laguna: “Hey hey! I love Harry Potter!”

Billy Bob: “Der hur! Me too!”

Austin: “Billy Bob… You can’t read.”

Dallas: “Stop trying to fit in.”

Billy Bob: *hangs head*

Lark: *sigh of relief* “Phew. I was getting worried there a minute.”

Rinoa: “Hey. Has anyone seen Angelo? Squall?”

Squall: “Not since I fed her this morning. She just loved the Christmas breakfast I gave her–“

Rinoa: “Shut up, Squall.”

Squall: *sourly* “…Whatever.”

Seifer: “No, I don’t know where your stupid dog is, Rinoa. And I don’t care either! I hate that dog! It bites me for doing nothing!”

Dallas: “That’s ’cause it hates you.”

Seifer: “Why? I never did anything to it! And you know what else? Nobody said Happy Hanukkah to me. Not one person! And all my presents were wrapped in Christmas wrapping paper!”

Irvine: “Uh…what presents?”

Seifer: “Those!”

(he points to a bunch of presents that are mostly books called ‘torture for beginners’ and ’15 ways to make people do your bidding’.)

Irvine: “Uh…those were for Sephiroth.”

Seifer: *chin trembles* “Ashley… You didn’t get me a present?”

Ashley: “You said we weren’t getting each other presents this year because you spent all your cash on medicine.”

Seifer: “Well the price of viagra went up!” *claps a hand over his mouth*

Kinneas brothers: *chuckle*

Shell: *snorts* “Seifer didn’t get any presents? Even Rude got a present.”

Rude: *holding a jar of body balm* “Can I put it on you *now*, Shell?”

Shell: “No, Rude. Keep staring at your watch till it’s time.”

Rude: “I had to pawn my watch to buy your gifts, Shell.”

Shell: “Then stare at the sun, then!”

Rufus: “Well, I for one, had a great Christmas.” *gestures to all his presents* “You really went out of your way for me, Algus.” *looks at algus*

Algus: “I did only what you did for me, friend.” *looks at rufus*

Reno: “Uh…guys, hate to break up your potential yaoi moment over there–“

Rufus: *screams*

Reno: “–But uh…where are Sephiroth, Vincent and Zidane?”

Rufus: “Ew! Who cares?!”

Algus: “I let Zidane have free time. Part of his Christmas present. The other part was marshmallows.”

Rufus: “Mini or regular?”

Algus: “Mini. When he proves himself, *then* he’ll get regular.”

Rufus: “You’re tough but fair.”

Reno: “Seriously though, where are they?”

Lizzie: “I don’t know. My Sephiroth stalking machine broke down last month.”

Everyone: *blink blinnk*

Lizzie: “Uh….never mind.”

Irvine: “I hope they haven’t gone to visit Houston or anything. He’s tied up in the barn.”

Noelle: “With the sheep?”

Austin: “Hell no! We ain’t gonna treat him that good!”

Cal: “Pa’s gonna call the police later and they’re gonna take ‘im back ta jail.”

Dallas: “Ma wasn’t cryin’ she was so happy.”

Ashley: “You know… I’m kinda surprised. Three of Lark’s favorite people aren’t here on Christmas, and she could care less.”

Irvine: “…If she doesn’t care, then why is she crying?”

(everyone looks over at lark, who has silent tears coming down her cheeks as she reads)

Reno: “Are you okay, Lark?”

Lark: “Yeah.” *sniff* “Sirius rocks. Almost as good as Lupin. Oh, and there! They mentioned Lupin! I love these books!”

Rinoa: “…Yeah…she’s a crackhead.”

Ashley: “Shut up, crackwhore.”

………………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, outside, sephiroth is snooping around with a metal detector, angelo at his side. zidane is hanging back, looking none too happy. vincent is walking besides him)

Zidane: “Come on, Seph. This is ridiculous. I want to be inside enjoying my Christmas marshmallows.”

Vincent: “Mini or regular?”

Zidane: *happily* “Mini, but Algus said if I work hard I can earn regulars.”

Sephiroth: “Quiet, you idiot! I’m trying to look for treasure!”

Zidane: “Well why are *we* stuck here with you? You don’t need us to find stuff!”

Sephiroth: “I need you to make me look popular!”

Vincent: “I’m always here for you, angel.”

Sephiroth: “Shut up, Vincent.”

Zidane: *sighs* “Sephiroth, Vincent, all you’ve found are a bunch of empty soda cans.”

Sephiroth: “And yet each one is equal to five cents! The marvel of garbage!”

Zidane: *softly to vincent* “…He’s cracked.”

Vincent: “I’m sorry. Are you just noticing this now?”

(sephiroth suddenly stands still, looking deep in thought)

Vincent: “Have you thought up another evil plot, angel?”

Sephiroth: “…Do you hear that?”

Zidane: “Hear what? Pigs snorting?”

Sephiroth: “Besides that.”

Zidane: “Lambs baaing?”

Sephiroth: “Besides that.”

Zidane: “Horses neighing?”

Sephiroth: “BESIDES THAT!!!” *he comes over and pulls zidane’s hair away from his ears* “Listen!”

Zidane: *listens*

Vincent: *listens*

Zidane: “Cows mooing??”

Sephiroth: “No!! It’s a low moaning sound coming from behind the barn!”

Zidane: “It’s probably just Gramps out for his morning…” *shudder*

Sephiroth: “I have to know!”

Vincent: “No! Angel! You’ll scar yourself for life!”

(but sephiroth doesn’t listen. he goes off for the barn, angelo at his feet. zidane and vincent hesitantly follow, their eyes half shut)

Zidane: “I’m gonna regret this… More than I regretted rusting Steiner into his armor!”

(sephiroth disappears behind the barn. the others hear a gasp, a tear and the sound of a dog barking)

Sephiroth’s voice: “Ah ha! I knew it!”

(vincent and zidane exchange curious looks before dashing behind the barn themselves. there they find angelo biting and sephiroth holding up cousin jimbo. there is a ripped sheet lying on the ground.)

Cousin Jimbo: “Foiled again!”

Sephiroth: “I knew it! *You* were the one in the ghost getup trying to scare people off the land!”

(suddenly they are joined by grandpa, cousin maxwell and flossy. maxwell is dragging bessie. zidane starts to look like he’s gonna puke)

Maxwell: “Jimbo! Whatcha doin’ round these parts with our only sheet?”

Sephiroth: “Breaking the law!”

Maxwell and Grandpa: *gasp*

Jimbo: “And I woulda done it too! If it weren’t for you meddling kids and your stupid dog!”

Angelo: *bark*

Maxwell: “You’re a disgrace to our name!”

Flossy: *baas and twitches as clumps of fur fall off*

Grandpa: “Potato salad!”

Maxwell: “That’s right!” *looks sternly at jimbo*

Jimbo: “Aw, shucks. I jus’ wanted a better place ta build a sewage pool.”

Maxwell: “That ain’t no excuse. We got a fine one back home. Why Bessie goes in it every day, don’t ya, Bessie?”

Bessie: *stays still*

Zidane: *shuddering* “That cow is dead…”

Sephiroth: “Well that settles it, then. Houston is innocent, and you, my hillbilly friend, are going to jail.”

Jimbo: “We’re friends?”

Sephiroth: “…No. It was just a figure of speech.”

Jimbo: “…Speech?”

Maxwell: *leading him off* “C’mon on, Cousin. We gotta spank ya first before you off to jail.”

Grandpa: *licks lips*

(cousin maxwell and his circus go away and sephiroth brushes off his hands)

Sephiroth: “Well, our Christmas mystery is solved. It was the hillbilly all along, just like I thought.” *he starts walking back*

(the others start to follow)

Vincent: “Uh…but, angel, you thought it was Houston.”

Zidane: “Yeah. You insisted it was him even when we pointed out it was pretty unlikely.”

Sephiroth: “No I didn’t.” *shifty eyes* “I was… Just trying to fool everyone. Yes, that’s a good story.”

Vincent: “Angel, you’re a terrible liar.”

Sephiroth: “No I’m not, Vincent. I’m a…uh…good liar. Yes, that’s it.”

Zidane: “…Uh huh. And now I guess we’ll set Houston free.”

Sephiroth: “Nah.”

Zidane: “Huh?”

Sephiroth: “We’ll wait till later, when the police get here. That way it’ll seem last minute, and thus more dramatic.”

Zidane: *to vincent* “What is *wrong* with him lately?”

Vincent: “I gave him a book of fifteen minute mysteries as an early Christmas present. That may have something to do with it.”

Zidane: “And what did he give you?”

Vincent: “Oh… I really can’t say.”

Zidane: “Sure you can! Come on, tell me!”

Vincent: “No, I can’t, really.”

Zidane: “Can you give me a hint?”

Vincent: “Um, no.”

Zidane: “Oh, come on. Does it start with the letter W?”

Vincent: “…No.”

Zidane: “J?”

Vincent: “No.”

Sephiroth: *turns around fuming* “Oh for the–it’s no secret anymore. The Kinneas brothers gave it out too. I’m sure Irvine must have bragged to you.”

Zidane: *stops dead* “….Oh.”

Sephiroth: “Uh huh.” *he turns and starts walking again*

Zidane: *bouncing after him* “Hey, Seph! You know, you haven’t given ME anything for Christmas yet!”

THE END!