#110 – A Scooby Dooby Christmas

Zidane: “This is a retarded waste of time. There’s not going to be anything weird going on out here. We could be nestled all snug in our beds with visions of sugar plums dancing in our heads.”

Originally Published: 12/24/01 . 15 pages

The gang heads down to Irvine’s family farm for Christmas, but there seems to be a ghost on the loose! Sephiroth is on the case!

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

This ramble was never supposed to be two parts. But I felt it was kind of dragging and I wanted to put something on the site, so that’s how it became a 2 parter. You might think that I’m a big Scooby Doo fan, with the van and the lame mysteries, but no. I do appreciate the campiness of it though.


(in the ramble room there are a lot of suitcases. that indicates that people are packing! ooh. anyway, the following people are all there: lark, seph, vincent, Ashley, seifer, squall, rinoa, rufus, algus, irvine, Noelle. reno, rude, shell, Lizzie, laguna, Katie, zidane, tseng, and reeve. everyone is wearing heavy clothes, except reeve and tseng, who look like they’re going somewhere hot and sunny. everyone is busy checking their luggage and stuff. lark, rufus, reeve and tseng are standing together near the door.)

Reeve: *going through his fanny pack* “And tic tacs…and…*that*….and extra batteries…and **that**…and travel box of bleach and ***that***.” *grins* “All packed.”

Rufus: “I seriously don’t want to know what else is in there.”

Tseng: “Reeve…do you *have* to wear that fanny pack?”

Reeve: “Of course! How can I keep track of everything otherwise?”

Lark: “Are you guys *sure* you don’t want to come to Irvine’s family’s ranch for Christmas? You guys had fun last time!”

Reeve: “Last time I got felt up by his skanky brother!”

Tseng: “We’ll pass, thanks. We’ve been planning this cruise for awhile. You guys have fun, though, and we’ll send you some postcards.”

Lark: “Yay! Mail!” *hugs them* “Have fun and take lots of pictures!”

Tseng: “I think there’s enough porn of me on the internet already.” *mumbles* “Thanks, *Hojo*.”

Reeve: *sweat drop* “Uh… I don’t think she meant THOSE kind of pictures, dear.”

(he waves to lark as they leave.)

Lark: *pouting* “Yes I did.”

Rufus: “You…really need a boyfriend.” *grin* “May I suggest myself?”

Lark: “Thanks, but no thanks, Rufus. I’m going to a house full of hot Kinneas brothers!”

Irvine: *suddenly standing next to her* “Did I hear my name?”

Lark: “You sure did! Is everyone ready?”

Irvine: “Yup. And the Myterry Machaine is ready and rarin’ to go.”

Lark: “Great.”

Rufus: “Hey, Lark? Not that I care–at *all*–but where’s Zell?”

Lark: “I’m not really sure… He said he had plans to go somewhere this Christmas.” *shrugs* “I know I’ll miss him.”

Rufus: “And you’re the only one.”

Lark: “Okay, guys, come on! We’re going!”

Seifer: *sings* “It’s an old fashioned Christmas down on the farm! A little over eating never did ya any harm–“

Ashley: “Stop it right now, Seifer or the whole time we’re there I’ll rub it in your face that I’m sleeping with someone so much better than you.”

Seifer: “Aw… You just did most of the damage.”

Ashley: *snorts* “You think that’s all I’ve got?”

Seifer: *whimper*




(meanwhile, reeve and tseng are on the boat, which has just pulled away from the shore. tseng is staring out, facing the ocean. reeve is leaning against it, looking back at the boat)

Tseng: “This is gonna be great, isn’t it?”

Reeve: “I still can’t believe you talked me into this.”

Tseng: “What?” *turns around* “It’ll be nice.”

(we see the boat deck. there’s not a single woman in sight.)

Reeve: “I still feel weird being on a gay cruise.”

Tseng: *rolls his eyes*

????: “Oh, goodness. Look who it is.”

(reeve and tseng turn around to see kuja standing with hojo, who, of course, is armed with a camera)

Tseng: “Oh, hi, Kuja. I didn’t know you were coming on this cruise.”

Kuja: “Me neither.” *flips back hair* “It was one of my Christmas gifts from Hojo.”

Hojo: “Exxxxxxcellent. This will be a most splendid vacation.”

Kuja: “…Right. You’re not touching me till you get that fish gunk off your hands.”

Hojo: “But darling, it’s–“

Kuja: “No it’s not. Whatever you’re going to say: NO. It’s not.”

Tseng: *sweat drop* “Okay… Well, we’ll see you guys later.”

(he grabs reeve and starts dragging him off)

Tseng: “Kuja’s my friend, but Professor Snap n’ Post Perv I can most DEFINITELY do without.”

Reeve: *blink blink* “Did you just make up that nickname now?”

Tseng: “No, I’ve been planning it for awhile.” *smiles* “You like it?”

(but reeve is staring at something else, looking confused)

Tseng: *gives him a weird look* “Uh…Reeve?”

Reeve: *still staring in confusion* “I think I just saw Zell.”

Tseng: “What? Where?”

Reeve: “Going up to the pool!”

Tseng: “Reeve, you’re crazy. Zell’s sexuality may be a huge question mark, but he wouldn’t be on a gay cruise.”

Reeve: “I swear I saw him!”

Tseng: *pats him on the arm* “I know, honey. Let’s go lie down.”




(meanwhile, after a rather boring car trip, the gang arrives on the farm. the whole kinneas family, except ma, runs out to meet the group)

Irvine: “Howdy, brothers!”

Other Kinneas brothers: “Howdy, brother!”

(meanwhile, the brothers go over to their respective chicks…calarado goes over to Katie)

Cal: “Hey there, cowgirl. Still remember all your lessons?” *grin*

Katie: “How couldn’t I? I had a great teacher.” *grin*

(dallas goes over to Ashley)

Dallas: “Hey, baby. How’s your vocabulary comin’?”

Ashley: “Still could use a little more work.” *smile smile*

Seifer: “Hey! Ashley!”

Ashley: “Give up, Seifer!”

(austin goes over to Noelle and reno)

Noelle: “Hey, Austin. I see you’re as sexalicious as ever.”

Austin: “It’s all for you, baby.” *looks at reno* “Who’s your friend?”

Reno: “Boyfriend.”

Austin: “What??”

Noelle: *putting an arm around them both* “Don’t worry, boys. I think I have a way we can all have fun.”

Austin and Reno: *enthusiastically* “All right!”

Noelle: *sweat drop* “…Uh…should I be worried that you gave in so easy?”

(billy bob goes over to Lizzie and laguna)

Billy Bob: “Howdy, purdy girl! Willin’ to go for a good barn toss *now*?”

Lizzie: *shoves him down* “Ugh. Don’t come near me.”

Zidane: *pouting* “Hey… Irvine… Where’s your skanky gay brother?”

Irvine: “I’m wondering the same thing. Hey, Pa! Where’s San Diego?”

Pa: “San Diego won’t be spendin’ Christmas with us this year, son. He’s gone somewhere else.”

Irvine: “Where?”

Pa: “I dunno! I gotta enough a’ ya to keep track of as it is!”

Shell: “Hey…where’s the rich brother with the jewels?”

Rude: “Uh…he got sent to jail, Shell. Remember?”

Shell: “Oh? What a shame… He had so much money… Whatever his name was.”

Irvine: “Yeah. How’s Houston doin’, Pa?”

Pa: “He’s doin’ great! They might let him out on parole soon!”

Irvine: “You sound kinda happy, pa. He tried to steal from his own family!”

Pa: “Irvine! Where’s your sense of family unity? I’m surprised at you!”

Irvine: “I dunno… I think once a family member screws ya over you’re allowed ta hate ’em a bit.”

Pa: “You gotta lot ta learn, boy. Now come on out back. You gotta meet our new hired hands!”

(the group starts to follow mr. kinneas and grandpa to the back)

Lark: “Hey, Irvine. Did you notice that when you’re around your family you got way more of a Southern accent going on?”

Irvine: “I reckon it’s the atmosphere.”

Gramps: “And I reckon it’s good ta have ya back, little lady.” *winks at lark*

Lark: *shudders* “I think I was a little too lenient when I said I would be glad to have any Kinneas hit on me.”

Pa: “Ah! There’s our new help now!” *points*

(then suddenly they all stop in horror as they get a look at the new help. it’s cousin maxwell, grampa and cousin jimbo, with flossy to boot! and god only knows where bessie is…)

Ashley: “ACK! Irvine! Make them go away!”

Seifer: *sobbing* “This Christmas sucks!”

Shell: “Rude…cover my eyes for me.”

Rude: “Yes, Shell.”

Pa: “Everyone, meet Cousin Maxwell, Grampa and Cousin Jimbo, our new hired help.”

Everyone: *dully* “We know.”

Pa: “…You’ve met?”

Lark: “Unfortunately.”

Katie: “Why did you hire them?”

Pa: *shrugs* “They’ll work for straw.”

Maxwell, Jimbo and Grandpa: *dreamily* “Straw…”

Maxwell: “Someday we might even earn ourselves for a whole bed!”

Ashley: “Ew. Yeah. Gross.”

(suddenly billy bob comes running wildly over to him, waving his arms around)

Billy Bob: “Der hur! Guess what!?”

Kinneas brothers: *roll eyes* “What, Billy Bob?”

Billy Bob: “You’ll never guess who’s up at the house! Dur hur!”

Kinneas brothers: *excitedly* “A hot chick?!”

Ramble girls: *frown* “Hey…”

Billy Bob: “No! Der hur– Houston!”




(meanwhile, back on the boat,  reeve and tseng are standing by the railing again as the sun starts to set.)

Tseng: “Isn’t this romantic?”

Reeve: “It’s really cold out.”

Tseng: *sighs* “That’s enough complaining, don’t you think? It’s going to be Christmas tomorrow.”

Reeve: “Oh right. Wow. I can’t believe it’s Christmas already.”

Tseng: “Yup. And for once it’s just gonna be you and me without a soul around to annoy us…”

(he leans in to kiss reeve. reeve leans in for it. just as they’re about to kiss…)

???????: “Omg!! I *so* cannot believe it is you guys!”

(reeve and tseng freeze right where they are)

Tseng: “You’ve gotta be f*cking kidding me.”

San Diego: *runs up and hugs them* “Omg, I am *so* glad to see you guys! This is *great*, isn’t it?”

Tseng: *darkly* “No.”

San Diego: *puts a hand on reeve’s chest* “Wow, Reeve. Have you been working out?”

Tseng: *shoving away san diego’s hand* “Don’t touch him.”

San Diego: “I am just SO amazed to see you guys! I thought for sure you’d be going to the ranch for Christmas!”

Tseng: “…I suddenly wish we had…”

San Diego: “Well this is great! Now we can all hang out!”

Tseng: “I don’t think so.”

San Diego: “Aw, come on, sweetheart. I promise I won’t lay a hand on Reeve…much anyway.” *grins at reeve*

Tseng: *growls*

Reeve: *gulp*

San Diego: “Besides, I made out with this really hot blonde this afternoon at the pool and I kinda wanna find him again.”

Reeve: “Well what is his name?”

San Diego: *shrugs* “I dunno. But he looked really familiar to me.”

Tseng: “Uh huh. Well good for you.”

San Diego: “Well, come on! Let’s go dancing!”

(he starts dragging them off)

Reeve: “Well, looks like it won’t be just us after all.”

Tseng: *growls*




(back on the farm, everyone runs into the house to see houston standing there. ma is in her usual place)

Ma: “Not another one! Put ’em back where he belongs!”

Pa: “Son! Welcome home!”

Houston: “Hi, everybody! Hi brothers! I got my parole! What a Christmas, huh?”

Kinneas brothers: *glare at him*

Houston: *gulp* “Uh…it’s good to see you guys too.” *spots shell* “Oh, hey there, Shell.”

Shell: “Yeah, don’t waste your time.”

Houston: *frowns*

Pa: “It’s great to have you back, son. Let’s go talk about all the fun you had in jail.”

Houston: “I don’t think anyone but San Diego would be really interested in it, pa.”

(pa, houston and gramps leave the room. the others stare at one another. angelo growls)

Rinoa: “I can’t believe he’s back. Angelo is all upset.”

Angelo: *bites seifer*

Seifer: “Ow!! Not again! Squall! Rinoa! Make it let go!”

Squall: “…Whatever.”

Algus: “It is horrid to think someone would steal from his own family! What a disgrace!”

Irvine: “You said it, man. I hate ta say it, boys, but I don’t trust Houston at all.”

Dallas: “Me neither. I mean, first he’s just takin’ our money… Next he might try to steal our land or somethin’. It’s worth a lot, you know.”

Cal: “Or worse, he might try to steal our porn collection!”

Kinneas brothers: *gasp* “No! Anything but that!”

Austin: “Don’t even talk like that, Cal!”

Billy Bob: “Or he might even try to steal the cattle! Dur her!”

Irvine: “Uh…he already did that.”

Austin: “You’re an idiot.”

Algus: “Do not fear, sirs! I will have my slave keep watch over your grounds to make sure nothing happens.”

Zidane: “Uh oh. He’s talking about me, isn’t he.”

Rufus: “And my slave can help.” *claps reno on the shoulder*

Noelle: “Sorry, Rufus, but I need him for some…uh…personal matters.”

Reno: “Yeah, Rufus. Booked. Sorry.” *grin*

Sephiroth: “I’ll do it for 100 gil a night.”

Austin: “Deal. Yee haw! This is gonna be a great Christmas!”




(back on the boat, reeve and tseng are standing near the wall in a crowded club)

Tseng: “This was *not* how I pictured our Christmas Eve.”

Reeve: “Oh no. Here comes Hojo and Kuja.”

Tseng: “Great. This completes the hellish holiday. Why hasn’t Kuja thrown Hojo overboard by now?”

Reeve: “Because of the jewels.”

Tseng: “They’re not that impressive.” *reeve gives him a look* “Oh. Right. Wrong thing.”

Kuja: “Why hello again.”

Tseng: “Hi.”

Kuja: “Enjoying yourselves?”

Tseng: “No.”

Kuja: “What’s the matter?”

Reeve: “Irvine’s brother.”

Hojo: “Irvine has a gay brother??”

Reeve: *nods*

Hojo: “Hmmm….most intriguing…”

Tseng: “In fact, here he comes to piss me off right now.”

San Diego: “Hi, you guys! I’m ba~ack! I just saw that hot blonde again…he was wearing a black shirt, but I couldn’t get to him. Who’s your friend?”

Kuja: “I’m Kuja. This is Hojo.”

Hojo: *licks lips*

San Diego: “Nice to meet ya, Kuja. Ooh, *nice* lip gloss. I’m wearing the same thing.”

Kuja: “You must be kidding. This lip gloss costs 50 dollars.”

San Diego: “Yup! That’s the stuff! There’s no make-up too expensive as far as I’m concerned!”

Kuja: *jaw drops* “That’s *my* motto.”

San Diego: “I don’t think so, honey.”

Reeve: *whispers to tseng* “Could they be bonding?”

Kuja: “Uh, I don’t think so.”

San Diego: “I think so.”

Kuja: “It’s *mine*!”

San Diego: “MINE!”

Kuja: “That’s it, bitch!”

(kuja lunges for san diego and they start to fight and general chaos ensues)

Tseng: “Uh… I don’t think so. Let’s get out of here.”

(he looks at reeve and sees he’s looking off into the distance again)

Tseng: “Uh, hello, Reeve. I’m talking.”

Reeve: “I just saw Zell again.”

Tseng: “No you didn’t.”

Reeve: “I did too. And he was wearing a black t-shirt.”

Tseng: “You’re seeing things.”

Reeve: “No, I’m not! I really saw him!”

Tseng: “Uh huh. Time for bed.”

Reeve: “I’m not tired.”

Tseng: “I said time for ‘bed’.”

Reeve: “Oh, okay. Let’s go.”




(back on the farm, it’s night, and zidane, sephiroth and vincent, along with angelo, are walking around, looking bored)

Zidane: “I hate this. I’m going to kill Algus.”

Sephiroth: “Then why don’t you just go inside? He doesn’t *really* own you.”

Zidane: “…He promised me pudding.”

Sephiroth: “Oh for the love of…”

Vincent: “Angel, it’s somewhat cold out here.” *teeth chatter*

Sephiroth: “No one said you had to follow me around like a lost puppy, Vincent.”

Vincent: “I can’t be away from you on Christmas, angel.”

Sephiroth: *sighs* “Vincent… What am I going to do with you?” *he puts an arm around vincent and tries to warm him*

Zidane: “This is a retarded waste of time. There’s not going to be anything weird going on out here. We could be nestled all snug in our beds with visions of sugar plums dancing in our heads.”

Sephiroth: “Look, I don’t wanna hear about your sick dreams, okay?”

Vincent: “This *is* rather ridiculous. I sincerely doubt that after spending time in jail the brother is going to–“

(and before he can finish the sentence, the guys all spot a white figure moving slowly across the horizon)

Vincent: “Oh my.”

Sephiroth: “What the hell is that?”

Zidane: *turns pale* “It’s a… It’s a… GHOST!”

Sephiroth: “Don’t be ridiculous. There’s no such thing as—” *the ghost turns to face them* “RUN!!!!”

(they all run inside the house, and then, catching their breaths, peer out from behind the curtains at the outside.)

Zidane: “It’s gone!”

Vincent: “That could not have been a real ghost.”

Angelo: *barks*

Sephiroth: “That’s right. There’s something fishy going on around here…”

Zidane: “What do you mean?”

Sephiroth: “I mean… That *someone* is trying to pull some kind of clever prank.”

Zidane: “But who? Why?”

Sephiroth: “I don’t know… But there’s one thing I do know.” *eyes narrow* “We’re in for more than we bargained for this Christmas.”

Vincent: *coughs*

Sephiroth: “Crap, Vincent! You just ruined my melodramatic moment!”

Vincent: “I’m sorry, my angel.”

Sephiroth: *scowls*


To Be Continued…


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