Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Clowns are funny!”

Originally Published: 1/9/02 . 25 pages

Synopsis
New characters come to stay in the ramble room, and Lark makes a vow Sephiroth’s sure she’ll break. Meanwhile, in Loser Land, they’re getting new roommates too, and it looks like Kuja’s about to meet his match.

Ramble Milestones
First appearance of: Edgar, Locke, Shadow, Setzer, Tidus, Wakka, Lulu, Kimahri, Kefka and Seymour.

After playing Final Fantasy 6 and 10, the only natural thing to do was shove all the characters I liked in the rambles, and the characters I hated in loser land. Having said that, I don’t regret adding the characters from 6 at all – the four of them turned out to be decent supporting players (poor Locke was the least seen). But aside from Auron (and not counting Seymour), the rest of the characters from 10 never found their place. I went in thinking Kimahri could be a good companion to Red, but the fact was the rambles didn’t need another Red. This was the last major influx of Final Fantasy characters the rambles ever saw.

(everyone is in the ramble room. yes, everyone. every last ramble character. well, except lark. she’s not there. you know what happens when everyone is in the ramble room except lark.)

Sephiroth: “She has an announcement to make, doesn’t she.”

Everyone: “Uh-huh.”

Quistis: “So what do you think it is?”

Rufus: “Some kind of anniversary?”

Zidane: “Nope. Can’t be.”

Reno: “Today isn’t like her birthday or something, right?”

Irvine: “No, man. She hates her birthday, remember?”

Reno: “Oh right. Phew.”

Shell: “I think she mentioned something…about…something.”

Sephiroth: “Ooh. That’s real helpful.”

Rude: “…I bet she’s bringing new people.”

Zell: “Maybe we’re going on another trip!!”

Rinoa: “All of us? Seems pretty unlikely.”

Rude: “…I think she’s bringing new people.”

Twilight: “Maybe she’s giving out prizes!!”

Opal: “I don’t think so, Twilight.”

Twilight: “Maybe she’s just giving me a prize then.”

Opal: “I doubt it, Twilight.”

Rude: “…I still think she’s bringing new people.”

Sephiroth: “Hey! Maybe she’s shutting down the website!”

Steiner: “Perhaps she is expanding the ramble room.”

Rude: “…Still think new people.”

Selphie: “Maybe she won the lottery!”

Tifa: “And she’s gonna give each of us some!”

Cloud: “Cotton candy?”

Rude: *shakes head sadly*

Barret: “Yo! Maybe she foun’ out what species cat/rat/moo be!”

Red: “….I am not that lucky.”

Cid: “#$%@&#%^$%^@#%! %#^@%$! #$%@^$#@%$^@$@^$#%@#$%@!! #%@#%@!”

Everyone: *thoughtful pause then* “Nah.”

Seifer: “I know! Maybe she’s gonna take us all to the movies!!”

Everyone: *blink blink*

Seifer: “…What? I like the movies.”

Sephiroth: “Clearly, no one has a clue.”

Rude: “I–“

Zell: “Yeah! None at all!”

Algus: “I suppose all we can do is wait patiently.” *claps hands* “Slave, I require a drink.”

Zidane: “Get it yourself.”

Steiner: “Zidane! Do not speak to Master Algus in such a harsh tongue!”

Zidane: *blink blink* “Master Algus?”

Steiner: “I would be more than happy to get you a drink, sir.”

Algus: “Thank you, Steiner, but, as my bodyguard, you’re above simple chores like that.”

Zidane: “Bodyguard? Above!? Hey! When did this happen?”

Algus: “You’re not important enough to be informed. Now get me a drink.”

Yuffie: “Hey! I think I hear footsteps! Lots of them!”

Seifer: *gasp* “Lark got more feet!”

Ashley: *hits him upside the head* “Baka.”

(but the only person to appear in the doorway is lark, who smiles widely)

Lark: “Hey guys. What’s up?”

Seifer: “Hey! She still has two!” *Ashley hits him again* “Ow!”

Lark: “…Uh, okay. Anyway, I called you all here for a reason.”

Sephiroth: “Out with it already, woman!”

Lark: “Geez, fine then.” *grin* “I’ve got new people for ya!”

Rufus: “…Oh. So that was it. No one thought of that.”

Rude: *hits himself in the head*

Lark: *holding out arms a la vanna white* “Presenting Edgar, Locke, Shadow and Setzer from FF6 and Tidus, Auron, Lulu, Wakka and Kimarhi from FF10!”

(they enter, some looking happier than others.)

Seifer: *gasps and points at wakka* “Omg, Zell has a twin!”

Zell: *gasps* “My long lost twin!”

Wakka: “I’m nobody’s long lost twin, ya?”

Lark: “Zell, you guys are from two different games.”

Seifer: “They have the same hair style!”

Sephiroth: “It’s not even a nice hair style.”

Lark: “ENOUGH about the hair!” *sigh* “Everybody, mingle and say hello.”

(so the new people move on in to be with the others. zell goes over to wakka and sticks out his hand)

Zell: “Hey, man! I’m Zell Dincht! Nice to meetcha, Wakka!”

Wakka: “Nice to meet you too, brudda. I think I’m gonna like it here, ya?”

Zell: “Yeah! Everyone here’s cool!”

(irvine goes right over to lulu as if pulled magnetically by the sight of her chest)

Irvine: “Hey there, pretty lady.”

Lulu: “My face is up here.”

Irvine: *looks up* “Of course. Heh.” *lopsided grin* “So… What do ya say you and I knock boots?”

Lulu: *disgusted look* “I don’t think so. You’re not my type. At all.” *she walks away*

Irvine: *face falls*

Tidus: “Hey, man, don’t worry about it. She’s like that with every guy.”

Irvine: “Every guy?” *gulp* “…She’s not a lesbian, is she?”

Tidus: *blink blink*

Irvine: *wails* “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

(algus and rufus go over to edgar. zidane and steiner follow algus.)

Algus: “Hello, sir. My name is Algus, and I am the son of a nobleman. Behind me is my bodyguard, Steiner and my slave.”

Zidane: “I have a name too!”

Algus: “Silence, knave.”

Rufus: “And *I* am Rufus Shinra, President of Shinra Inc. I have my own set of slaves as well.” *proud grin*

Edgar: *dashingly* “Pleased to meet you. I am Edgar Roni Figaro, King of Figaro castle.”

Algus: *shaking his hand happily* “Excellent, your majesty. Because of your noble status, I am happy to invite you to our inner circle.”

Edgar: “How quaint!”

Setzer: *pokes edgar* “Hey, Eddie, who are you talking to?”

Edgar: “Uh…gentlemen, this is Setzer, my…friend.”

Setzer: “Hello.”

Edgar: “He’s very rich.”

Algus and Rufus: *eyes light up*

Algus: “Well he’s invited too, of course!”

Rufus: “We like rich people. I’m rich.” *reaches for his wallet but frowns* “Hey! My wallet’s gone!”

Locke: *snickers*

Rufus: “Hey!!! Thief!!”

Locke: *frowns* “I’m not a thief, I’m a treasure hunter.” *holds out wallet* “You should protect your wallet better. And your driver’s license picture is terrible.”

Rufus: “I’m pressing charges!”

Locke: “What? You got it back.”

Rufus: “You better watch it, buddy. You don’t want me as an enemy. I have a whole group of deadly killers at my disposal, plus I carry a shotgun and my wanna be boyfriend could kick your ass.”

Zell: *rushing to rufus’ side with wakka* “Hey, Rufus! Were you talking about me?”

Rufus: “Kinda sorta.”

Locke: *snorts* “This guy?”

Zell: *flips out* “Hey watch it!”

Wakka: “Don’t insult my new friend, ya?”

Locke: *holds up hands defensively* “Whoa. Sorry.”

(meanwhile, barret and cid have spotted kimahri)

Barret: “Yo! This here thing looks kinda like cat/rat/moo only taller, yo.”

Cid: “$%@#^%^@# $%^^@^ $%&#&#$ $@%& #$%^@%&^@!”

Barret: “Yo! That be obvious!” *to kimahri* “Yo! What species you be?”

Kimahri: “Kimahri is a Ronso.”

Barret: *to red* “Yo! Turpentine! That what you be?”

Red: *sigh* “…No.”

Cid: “@%@#^@#%^ @#^@#^#$ @#$^@!”

Barret: “Yo, too bad you ain’t the same species as K-cat here, yo.”

Kimahri: “My name is Kimahri.”

Barret: “Yo, whateva. I like you, K-cat! You should hang with me and my homie Cid!”

Cid: “#$^%#@^%@ #%@^@#^%@# $#%@$#%@#!”

Red: “I am warning you. Do not go near them.”

Barret: “Yo, shu’ up, marborlo! Let K-cat decided for himself!”

Red: *gasp* “That’s the worst name you’ve called me yet.”

Cid: “#$%@^@ #$^@#^%# #$^@#^@ #$^@%^#%^#$^%#&#?”

Red: “…Yes. Worse than that.”

(meanwhile, in the doorway…)

Auron: *to himself* “I foresee no difficulty.”

(vincent goes over to him)

Vincent: “…I like your coat.”

Auron: “I got it on sale. You should always buy things when they’re on sale.”

Vincent: “Yes… I… I suppose you should.”

Auron: “My name is Auron.”

Vincent: “I know. I’m Vincent Valentine.”

Auron: “Pleased to meet you, Vincent. Now, to the bar! We have no time to waste.” *he goes off*

Vincent: “…What an odd person.” *shrugs and follows*

(meanwhile…)

Selphie: *spotting shadow and interceptor* “Aw! What a cute dog!”

Shadow: “Don’t. It bites.”

Interceptor: *yips happily and wags it’s tail*

Selphie: “It looks very friendly.”

Shadow: “It is not. It is evil.” *pause* “Did you hear something?”

Selphie: “…No…”

Interceptor: *gives a friendly bark and starts to lick selphie*

Shadow: “Oh no! You’ve made him mad!”

Selphie: “Seems happy to me.” *giggles* “What a sweet dog!”

Shadow: *hangs head* “Once again he has destroyed our reputation in less than fives minutes.”

(sephiroth, while everyone else is mingling, goes over to where lark is drinking some soda by herself in the back.)

Sephiroth: “Tidus.”

Lark: “Huh?”

Sephiroth: “I think that’s the next guy you have your eye on.”

Lark: *shakes head* “I adore him, but no.”

Sephiroth: *surprised* “No?” *thinks a moment* “Edgar then.”

Lark: *snort* “No. He’s hot as hell, but definitely not.”

Sephiroth: “Why not?”

Lark: “Let’s just say he’s outta my reach.”

Sephiroth: “Not Wakka.”

Lark: “I like Wakka, but no.”

Sephiroth: “Setzer?”

Lark: “Same as Edgar.”

Sephiroth: “Locke?”

Lark: “Nope.”

Sephiroth: “That werido Shadow?”

Lark: “No.”

Sephiroth: “Auron?? That old guy?!”

Lark: “Love him, but no.”

Sephiroth: “…Please don’t tell me it’s that cat guy.”

Lark: “NOO!”

Sephiroth: “……Lulu?”

Lark: *laughs* “No, Sephiroth! I’m not going after any of them!”

Sephiroth: “Why not?” *grin* “Still miss the dark overlord of the planet?”

Lark: “Uh, no.” *casually* “I’ve gone celibate.”

Sephiroth: *jaw drops* “Are you kidding?”

Lark: “Nope. I’m totally serious.”

Sephiroth: “Come on now. You’ll crack faster than Heidegger on a diet.”

Lark: “On the contrary, I really think I can make it.”

Sephiroth: “How long are you planning to do this?”

Lark: “Um…forever.”

Sephiroth: “Forever? Ha! That’s a good one. Can I tell other people that one?”

Lark: “Sephy-sama, I’m serious! You know at first the skank jokes were kind of funny, but now I’m starting to realize that…I really AM a skank!”

Sephiroth: “Not really. Except for that whole pirate thing.”

Lark: “That’s not true!”

Sephiroth: *shrugs* “Look. There’s nothing wrong with a girl sleeping around. Guys do it all the time and no one calls them names.” *pause* “Well, except for Irvine. But he really is a man whore.”

Lark: “I know.” *sigh* “Well, maybe not forever then, but at least until I’m twenty.”

Sephiroth: “That still isn’t a realistic goal. Tidus hits on you once and you’ll be off with him before you can say black materia.”

Lark: “I am completely committed to my goal. No sex until my twentieth birthday.” *pause* “That’s not so long. Only like three months.”

Sephiroth: “It will seem like three years.”

Lark: “…I really think I can do it.”

Sephiroth: “Fine. But I can’t promise to support you. I’m actually going to do everything I can to make you give in.”

Lark: “Bring it on. I can take it.”

(they both shake hands, giving one another sly looks)

Sephiroth: “So, Lark… While I’m stuck here talking to you… Did you send anyone to loser land?”

Lark: *snorts* “Boy did I ever.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, in loser land, the losers have obviously been alerted to the fact that they’re getting some new people, because nida and heidegger are hanging up a banner that says ‘welcome other cool people’. scarlet is overseeing them, looking unhappy. hojo is trying to stuff something into a box. stinky is asleep on the couch)

Scarlet: “That banner sucks, Nida.”

Nida: “You suck, hoe bag! You’re just jealous you couldn’t make such an awesome banner!”

Kuja: *sigh* “I hope whoever is coming has good fashion sense. The rest of you look like you shop at Sears.”

Nida: *chin trembles* “I do shop at Sears.”

Hojo: “Silence, fool boy! I am trying to concentrate!” *keeps stuffing whatever it is into the box*

Scarlet: “What the hell are you doing?”

Hojo: “I thought it best that the licky licky monster go away for awhile. He doesn’t seem to agree!”

Everyone: *sweat drops*

Kuja: “I don’t know how I got stuck here.”

Scarlet: “Yeah, I feel sorry for these new freaks.”

Nida: “Hey! Speak for yourself! They’re lucky to be able to hang out with me all the time! I rock!”

Scarlet: *rolls eyes* “Yeah, I count my blessings every day.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Whoever it is better like Stinky!”

Scarlet: “Stinky’s more likable than you are.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Snack time!” *he drops his side of the banner and goes trotting off into the kitchen*

Nida: “Hey! Get back here, Heidegger! You didn’t pin up your side of the banner!”

Heidegger: *from the kitchen* “Gya haa haa! Snackalicious!”

Nida: *sigh* “Scarlet, can you help me?”

Scarlet: “Sorry. Can’t.” *points to the tiny step ladder* “I’m not supposed to operate machinery with my new pills.”

Nida: “It’s a freakin’ step ladder!”

Scarlet: “Want me to show you?” *she dumps the contents of her purse on the table and a million pill bottles spill out* “Now which one is it…?”

Nida: *hopefully* “Kuja?”

Kuja: “Are you insane? I just did my toenails, and this pink and purple sparkly polish is very delicate.”

Nida: *last ditch effort* “Hojo?”

Hojo: *struggling to keep the monster in the box* “Now’s… Not a good time…” *yelps and jumps back* “Ack! It–“

Scarlet: “Licked you?”

Hojo: “For the millionth time, IT DOESN’T LICK!” *pounces on the box again*

Nida: *mumbles* “Fine… I’ll do it myself.”

(he moves to the next ladder and pins up the poster. then he gets down and smiles fondly at it)

Nida: “I did a great job. I’m great.”

Scarlet: “You smell.”

Nida: “Hey!” *sniffs himself* “That’s my aftershave!”

Scarlet: “Smells like rubbing alcohol.”

Nida: “It *is* rubbing alcohol!”

Kuja: *shudders* “I need to take you all shopping where they *don’t* have blue light specials.”

Nida: *hopefully* “Like Marshall’s?”

Kuja: *sigh*

Hojo: *brushing his hands off* “The monster has been properly restrained.”

Heidegger: *dancing back in* “Gya haa haa! Empty!”

Scarlet: “…Got anymore boxes for him?”

Nida: “Empty?!? Did you eat all our food?”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! All gone!”

Nida: “You idiot! I just went shopping yesterday! What kind of snack did you have?”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Everything sandwich!”

Nida: *hits himself in the forehead* “I don’t believe this! The whole day is ruined!”

Scarlet: “Don’t worry, Nida. You still have your amazingly crappy banner to impress them with.”

Hojo: “I believe I have some kelp in my lab. It’s been slightly treated with a new compound I invented, but it’s still perfectly edible–“

Everyone: “No!!”

Hojo: *pouts* “Fine. We’ll see who changes their mind later.”

(suddenly, there comes a knocking at the chamber door)

Nida: “Ack! That has to be them! Everyone look presentable!”

Kuja: “Done and done.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! We actually recognized the sound of the door knocking!”

Hojo: “There’s a first time for everything.” *clears throat* “Now. You all stand there, and I shall get the door and greet them and say hello and so on and so forth.”

(the other losers all stand in a line as hojo goes and gets the door. he puts on a big smile as he opens the door. and who stands there, but a girly looking guy in a really hideous outfit and a guy in a clown outfit, makeup and all.)

Hojo:”AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” *and with that he runs the hell away*

Kuja: *blink blink* “Well, their clothes are hideous, but it seems the new people have their uses.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Clowns are funny!”

Girly guy: *stepping away from clown guy* “Please get me away from him. All he does is laugh and spit on me.”

Clown guy: “Hehehehehehehehehehehehe!” *spits on the other guy*

Girly guy: *runs into the room* “Stop! You cannot treat maester Seymour in such a manner!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Clowns are funny!”

Kuja: *goes over to seymour* “I know you! I saw you on the Christmas cruise! What for the love of Revlon are you wearing? It looks like a taffeta disaster!”

Seymour: *gives kuja a condescending look* “…And you would be…?”

Kuja: “I am Kuja, the most beautiful man in all the world. I have the best fashion sense *and* I’m a pro with hair *and* make-up.”

Seymour: “Whatever you wanna think, honey.”

Kuja: *hands on hips* “EXCUSE me?”

Seymour: *snort* “You call that harem girl outfit fashion sense? Dream on.”

Kuja: “And you call that outfit you have on fashion sense? Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it was still Christmas.”

Seymour: “I made this myself.”

Kuja: “Maybe you should have made yourself some glasses to see your fashion disaster while you were at it.”

Nida: *whispers to scarlet* “I don’t think they’re getting along!”

Scarlet: “Oh, wow, Nida. You are smarter than the average bear.”

Seymour: “I hope you have a pair of your own so you can see how all purple went out of style *last season*.”

Kuja: *gasp* “How *dare* you! Purple is the royal color! Anyone who knew anything about fashion would know that, scar face!”

Seymour: “They’re not scars, they’re veins! And they make me look distinguished.”

Kuja: “They just make you look old.”

Seymour: *gasp*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Cat fight!”

Scarlet: *stepping between the two quickly* “Uh, hi, Seymour. I’m Scarlet. It’s nice to meet another ‘S’ villain. We’re always the best.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! What about H?”

Scarlet: “Those are all the freaks.”

Kuja: *flips hair over his shoulder* “The ‘K’ villains are always the prettiest.”

Clown guy: “I’m Kefka!!! Hehehehehehehehe!” *spits on nida*

Nida: “Ew! No wonder Hojo ran away from you!” *hides behind heidegger*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Clowns are funny!”

Nida: “I don’t like the new people!”

Kuja: *glares at seymour* “Me neither.”

Kefka: *licks his lips and looks at stinky*

Nida: “Hey! No eating Stinky, freak!”

Stinky: *snort*

Kefka: “Hehehehehehehe! Looks delicious…” *rubs hands together and still stares at stinky*

Stinky: *frightened snort*

Scarlet: *sweat drop*

Stinky: *runs behind heidegger*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Not very funny!”

Seymour: “Where’s my room? I need to iron my outfit. You would never believe it, but it really is a pain to keep.”

Kuja: “Why not save yourself the trouble and just throw it out?”

Seymour: “Why don’t you save yourself the embarrassment and just go around naked?” *glares at kuja*

Kuja: “Because I’d never get Hojo off me!” *glares at seymour*

Nida: “Scarlet!! I’m scared!!”

Scarlet: *backing towards him* “Me too… Me too…”

Kefka: “Hehehehehehehehe!” *spits on scarlet*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Clowns are funny!” *scarlet hits him* “Ow!”

………………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, back in the ramble room…no one is getting spit on (ew! >.<) most of the crowd has cleared out it seems and lark is sitting down with seph, just relaxing. tidus, wakka, and zell are over on the other side of the room talking quietly)

Sephiroth: “Okay, so let’s run over how the first day is going so far. Irvine won’t stop whining about how the only girl you’ve brought in here since the beginning is gay–oh, good call by the way. I never thought there would ever be a truly cool Final Fantasy girl character.”

Lark: “I know. I’m still in shock.”

Sephiroth: “Anyway, Rufus and Algus have adopted Edgar and Setzer into our exclusive club.” *smile smile* “Shell chased Locke around after he stole from Rude, Shadow went off mumbling to himself while Selphie took his dog for a walk, Barret and Cid dragged Kimahri away to torture, Vincent is showing Auron around the ramble room, and we have tweedle dee, tweedle dumb and the cute blonde in the corner doing who only knows.”

Lark: *dreamy sigh* “Yeah, he is cute, huh?”

Sephiroth: *chuckles*

Lark: *snaps out of it* “Uh, yeah…so…what were we talking about?”

Sephiroth: “You’re cracking already.”

Lark: “Am not!”

Sephiroth: “Are too! You’re drooling all over Tidus.”

Lark: “Well…he’s extremely hot! Anyway, I can drool all I want. That wasn’t part of it.”

Sephiroth: “Uh huh.”

Wakka: “So you wanna play blitzball, ya? It’s a cool game.”

Tidus: “Yeah! Blitzball rocks, Zell. You’ll love it.”

Zell: “Cool! I wanna play!”

Wakka: “Come on, let’s go outside. We’ll teach ya how ta play, ya?”

Zell: “Awesome!”

(they all run outside. lark and sephiroth watch as they leave. tidus is the last to leave. he turns and smiles at lark before shutting the door)

Sephiroth: “He has a cute butt.”

Lark: *dreamy sigh* “Yeah.”

Sephiroth: *chuckles*

Lark: *snaps out of it and glares at him* “Stop doing that!”

Sephiroth: “I told you I was going to be incorporative. And I’m going out of my way to be so at that.”

Lark: “I noticed!” *scowls* “Okay, that’s it. *squeezes her eyes shut and puts a hand to her head* “Okay, no more naughty thoughts about sexy boys.”

Sephiroth: “Oh, this is turning out to be fun.” *evil grin*

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

(back in loser land…kefka has changed so he’s no longer wearing clown clothes or make-up. instead he’s wearing a suit that’s covered in different colored polka dots. he’s sitting on the couch across from heidegger. they are playing tiddly winks. scarlet is sitting next to heidegger, looking bored. nida is sitting next to her, shrunk back against her. kuja, seymour and hojo are nowhere to be found. stinky is nowhere to be found either.)

Heidegger: *as he loses again* “Gya haa haa! You’re good at this!”

Kefka: “Hehehehehehe! I know! Yes, I remember the long days I spent playing tiddly winks and torturing the enemy soliders!”

Nida: *looks increasingly scared*

Scarlet: “Uh, hey, Kefka? Did you get a room yet?”

Kefka: “Hehehe! I get the attic!” *drums fingers together* “Yes… The attic will be perfect for everything…”

Scarlet: *sweat drop* “That sounds…disturbing…”

(then kuja and seymour come in, arguing)

Kuja: “Are you kidding!? I cannot live with him! His disgusting wardrobe will contaminate mine!”

Seymour: “I cannot be expected to share a room with him! He might borrow my hair products!”

Kuja: “As if I would get that desperate!”

Hojo: “Now, now. Stop this bickering. Seymour, as I have explained, this situation is only temporary until I build you another room. Since Kuja’s room is the biggest by far, it is the only one who can accommodate a second person.”

Scarlet: *pouting* “Before *he* came that was *my* room.”

Hojo: “And precious, you can tolerate someone else in your room for a little while. Of course you’re also welcome to stay in my room–“

Kuja: “I’ll deal.” *he turns around and leaves in a huff*

Seymour: “I can just imagine how pleasant he is in the morning.” *he leaves too*

Hojo: *grins and rubs his hands together* “Exxxxxxxxxcellent. Now I will have some excellent video footage.”

Nida: “Ew, you sick old man!”

Heidegger: “Where’s Stinky!? Gya haa haa!”

Hojo: “Ah, yes. The skunk.”

(he turns around and there’s stinky, clinging to his back like a frightened cat. kefka licks his lips again)

Kefka: “Fresh meat…”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! No eating Stinky!”

Kefka: “Hehehehehehehe…”

Scarlet: “I have this sickening feeling he doesn’t want to eat it.”

Nida: “What, does he want to make perfume out of it?”

Scarlet: “No… I don’t think so, ass.”

Nida: “Well excuse me, queen of skank!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I’m hungry!”

Nida: “You already ate all our food!”

Hojo: “The kelp still stands.”

Scarlet and Nida: “NO!”

Kefka: “Hehehehe. I shall go unpack my things. Don’t run too far, little skunk.” *he snaps his fingers and disappears in a puff of smoke*

Nida: “…I do not like him.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Cheats at tiddly winks!”

(kuja stomps back in wearing a towel and looking annoyed. his hair is all wet)

Kuja: “The scar faced fashion victim used all the hot water!”

Hojo: “Perhaps some company–“

Kuja: “No!” *he comes over and plops on the couch* “I highly dislike Seymour. I have no positive feelings towards him at all.”

Scarlet: “I hate Kefka.”

Nida: *is paranoid* “Shush!!! He can probably hear you!”

Hojo: “Well…they will take some getting used to.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! You ran like a baby when Kefka came!”

Hojo: “…I dislike…c…cl-…clow–“

Scarlet: “Clowns?”

Hojo: *shudders* “Yes.”

Kuja: “Let’s kick them out.”

Scarlet: “We can’t do that. If we kick them out, they’ll go to ramble room, Lark will get EXTREMELY pissed–because she clearly loathes them–“

Kuja: “Is it hard to tell why??”

Scarlet: “–And just send them back here.”

Nida: *cries* “I want things back to normal!”

Kuja: “You know… If we drive them away…”

Scarlet: “Yeah…”

Hojo: “I don’t know about that…”

Kuja: *dully* “We’ll let you get some footage first.”

Hojo: *drums fingers together* “Exxxxxxxxxxcellent. I’m all for it.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Operation Losenator!”

Hojo: “Wonderful. Now someone please get this skunk off of my back.”

………………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile, tseng and reeve leave their room to go into the closet across from it. then they both pause in shock as they see lulu sitting in there)

Tseng: “Oh… I didn’t recognize there was anyone else in the closet.”

Lulu: “I am not. Some people just will not take *no* for an answer.”

Tseng: *blink blink* “I meant literally.”

Lulu: “…Oh.” *frowns* “Don’t tell me *you’ve* come to hit on me too.”

Tseng: *chuckles* “Oh no. I’m gay. My name is Tseng, and this is my husband, Reeve.”

Lulu: “Then…why is *he* staring at my chest?”

Tseng: *nudges at growls* “Because he’s bi.”

Reeve: “Ow! Sor~ry.”

Lulu: *sigh* “That moron *Irvine* just will *not* leave me alone!”

Tseng: “Yes, well, he’s a man whore. You’ll find quite a few of those around here.”

Lulu: “You’re the second gay couple I met today though.”

Tseng: *blink blink* “Oh? Who was the other?”

Wakka’s voice: *from down the hall* “Hey! Lu! Where are ya? You wanna come watch us play blitzball?”

Lulu: “Coming! It was nice meeting you.” *she leaves*

Reeve: *gives tseng a questioning look* “Who was she talking about?”

Tseng: *shrugs* “I don’t know. Maybe Zell was trying to pass himself off with Rufus again.”

Reeve: “I guess.”

Tseng: “Now…why the hell did we come into the closet?”

Reeve: “You had to get a broom.”

Tseng: “Oh! Right!” *turns to get one* “Ready, Reeve?”

Reeve: “Yup.” *slams the door shut with a grin*

……………………………………………………………………………………………

(and finally, we see sephiroth leaving lark’s room, rubbing his hands together. vincent and auron, who are coming down the hall, stop when they see him.)

Vincent: “Ah, angel. There you are. Have you met Auron?”

Sephiroth: *not thrilled* “Hi.”

Auron: “Hello.”

Vincent: “I have been showing him around the ramble room.”

Sephiroth: “Vincent, you’re not supposed to make friends without me.”

Vincent: *chuckles*

Sephiroth: *eyes widen* “Vincent! You just laughed!”

Auron: “Laughter is the best medicine.”

Vincent: “Yes, that is quite right.”

Sephiroth: “Oooooookay then. So what are you two up to now? Going to go have tea with your dolls?”

Vincent: “Angel, are you jealous?”

Sephiroth: *pouts* “Of course not.”

Vincent: “No one comes before you, angel.”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, yeah.”

Vincent: “…So. What were you doing in Lark’s room?”

Sephiroth: *grins* “Sabotaging.”

Vincent: “Sabotaging what?”

Sephiroth: “Her little ‘no more sex till I’m twenty’ thing.”

Vincent: “…Are you sure she was serious?”

Sephiroth: “Yup! But don’t worry. If I have my way, she won’t last.”

Auron: “It is always best to practice safe sex.”

Vincent: “Quite right.”

Sephiroth: “…Yeah.”

Vincent: “So what exactly did you do?”

Sephiroth: “Let me just say, Vincent old friend, that a little money can go a LONG way.”

(he puts an arm around vincent and the two of them and auron start to walk down the hall. lark then comes smiling down the hall and goes into her room. we then hear her scream. sephiroth pauses, and listens, smiling)

Lark’s voice: “ACK!!! Zidane!!! What are you doing lying naked in my room?!?!”

Zidane’s voice: “I needed the money!”

Lark’s voice: *very angry* “SEPHIROTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Sephiroth: *chuckles* “I told her I would be having the last laugh.”

Auron: “He who laughs last is generally the last to get the joke.”

Vincent: “Quite true.”

Sephiroth: “Oh, *that* is going to get annoying.”

THE END