#102 – Who Wants To Marry A Prostitute?

Scarlet: *rolls eyes* “Yeah, Nida. Out of the cross dresser, the pedophile and the big, ugly fat guy, I chose you. What a tough decision.”

Originally Published: 10/9/01 . 44 pages

Oh no! The cops are on to Scarlet! To throw them off, she tells them she’s getting married – to Nida! Can they pull a fake wedding off in time?

Ramble Milestones
-Scarlet’s family shows up.
-Trent Varsity’s first appearance.

This is one of my favorites. There is just so much funny stuff going on in this ramble, from Nida being so excited for his phony wedding, to Red having to take the garter off Tseng with his teeth and Heidegger repeatedly accidentially admitting to the cops that the wedding is a sham. The rich and handsome Trent Varsity also shows up in this ramble for the first time. That’s always been a character I really liked. As I mentioned in the original opening note, Shell and I had recently been to a wedding where we thought of a bunch ideas for this one, many of which I promptly forgot, of course. That’s why I write things down now.


(it’s the dead of night. at the end of the road we see a parked car, and the silhouette of a woman standing next to it, leaning into the drivers window…moving in closer…)


???????: “Listen, buddy, you said ten bucks, now pay up!”


Guy: “I said five bucks, and you weren’t even worth that.”


???????: “Ten you said! Now pay up!”


(there’s the sudden sound a police siren and the woman looks up in horror, shielding her eyes from the lights. it’s then we see it’s, of course, scarlet. she gasps and quickly runs away in her skanky heels. the officer runs up to the car.)


Cop: *out of breath* “Dammit! They always get away!”


Guy: “Please officer! Don’t arrest me! It was my first time doing anything like this, I swear!” *sobs*


Cop: *sigh* “Fine, buddy. Turn off the waterworks.” *leans against the car* “I’ll make a deal with you. You give me a name and description, and I’ll pretend this whole thing never happened.”


Guy: “Sure, sure! Ugh, she was blonde, and really fake looking. She wore all red, and her name…” *eyes narrow dramatically* “was Scarlet.”








(the next day in loser land. the tseng posters are still up all over the walls. heidegger is sitting on the floor playing ‘roll the ball’ with stinky. nida is cutting up a newspaper. kuja is staring very hard at one of the tseng posters. and hojo is crying and hoarding all his supa ego merchandise into a box. scarlet is lying on the couch, a damp rag over her forehead.)


Hojo: *sob* “They were so talented! They barely had a chance to live!”


Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Shut up already!”


Stinky: *snorts in agreement*


Kuja: *rubs chin thoughtfully as he stares* “Hmmm…”


Heidegger: “Scarlet’s dead! Gya haa haa!”


Scarlet: *sits up quickly* “I’m not dead, you jackass! I’m just trying to *rest*, which is practically impossible with you jerks making so much damn noise!” *looks over at nida* “What the hell are you doing?”


Nida: *pasting his head on the president’s body* “Nothing.”


Scarlet: *shakes head* “Freak.”


Nida: “Well what’s with you, whore? You’re all passed out today!”


Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Long night working!”


Scarlet: *snaps* “Shut up, Heidegger! And I’m just tired, okay? And what the hell is Kuja doing!”


Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Don’t wanna know!”


Stinky: *snorts in agreement*


Scarlet: “Shut that skunk up! And you all be quiet! I’m RESTING!” *she flops back down again*


Nida: “You’re louder than all of us!”


Scarlet: *not moving* “Shut up!!”


(then there comes a knock on the door. everyone turns to look at one another, confused)


Hojo: “That’s the *door*, you fools! Remember? Someone get it!”


Nida: *jumps up* “I’ll get it ’cause I’m cool!”


(he goes and gets the door, and is shocked to see two cops standing there)




Scarlet: *sits up quickly* “But they’re not supposed to come till ten-n-n-n–” *spots the cops* “Oh. *Those* friends.” *she gets up and walks over* “Thanks, *Nida*.” *shoves him into the wall*


Cop 1: “Are you Scarlet?”


Scarlet: *trying to seductively fix her hair* “Who wants to know?”


Cop 2: “The cops do.”


Cop 1: “We had reports that you were ‘working your trade’ down on Maple Street last night.”


Nida: *snort laugh*


Scarlet: *reaches back and smacks him* “‘Working your trade’? I’m afraid I’m not familiar with that term.” *nervous laugh*


Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Prostitute!”


(the guys come over and line up behind her to watch)


Cop 1: “I’m afraid he’s right, man. We want to take you down to headquarters for questioning.”


Scarlet: *gulp* “Questioning? But officers! Do I *look* like a hooker?”


(nida snorts and laughs again. while the cops exchange looks, scarlet turns and gives him a death look)


Cop 2: “Ma’am, won’t you please come with us?”


Scarlet: *nervous laughter* “Officer, there must be some mistake. I’m not a hooker! Uh…” *blurts out* “I’m getting married!”


Cops: *blink blink*


Guys: *jaw drops*


Scarlet: “Sure! Eh heh… I’m getting married to…”


(and she turns around to the guys behind her. she sees kuja and grimaces, then hojo, and grimaces more, and then heidegger, who’s just…ew! and she grimaces even more. and then she comes to nida, who’s grinning like the jerk he is, and give it a last ditch grimace before she reaches out, grabs him by the arm, and jerks him over to her)


Scarlet: “HIM!”


Kuja, Hojo and Heidegger: *jaws drop*


Cops: *blink*


Cop 1: “He looks a little young…”


Scarlet: “Nonsense! He’s of legal consenting age!” *pokes him* “Aren’t you, *Nida*?”


Nida: “Sure!” *sweat drop* “Sure I am…”


Cop 2: *skeptical* “Just when is this wedding?”


Scarlet: “Uh…this weekend! Yes! This weekend! And we’re so looking forward to it!”


Cops: *exchange a look* “Hmmm…”


Cop 1: “We’ll have to check it out.”


Scarlet: “Huh?”


Cop 2: “We’ll have to come to your wedding. Make sure you’re not lying to us.”


Scarlet: “Oh….heh…of course I’m not *lying*! Why would I be lying?”


Cop 1: “Where’s your engagement ring?”


Scarlet: “I’m a liberated woman. I don’t need that crap.”


Cop 2: “I’m afraid we’ll have to attend your wedding, or you’re gonna end up in a lineup.”


Scarlet: “Fine. You can come. What reason would there be why you couldn’t come? It’s just gonna be a normal wedding, like so many people who are in love have.”


Cop 1: “Great. We’ll be eagerly waiting our invitation.”


(they leave, and scarlet waits till their car is gone…)


Scarlet: “Dammit!” *stomps foot* “What am I gonna do now?”


Nida: *jumps up and down* “Whoo hoo! A wedding!”


Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Screwed over!”


Nida: *grins* “And she picked *me*! ME! ‘Cause I’m great!”


Scarlet: *rolls eyes* “Yeah, Nida. Out of the cross dresser, the pedophile and the big, ugly fat guy, I chose you. What a tough decision.”


Kuja: *flips hair over shoulder* “You should have chosen me. I would have made a lovely bride.”


Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Lesbian wedding!”


Scarlet: “What am I gonna do now?!? I have to stage a real wedding! I need a dress, and bridesmaid’s and a reception and ugh!” *throws up her hands* “How can I possibly get it together by this weekend!?”


Hojo: “Do it half assed.”


Scarlet: “Huh?”


Hojo: “Rent a cheap hall, cheap dresses, a cheap band, and buy everything else at the lowest price possible without even caring about quality. Invite whoever can be gathered at last minute.”


Scarlet: “What about the church?”


Nida: “I’m Jewish, ho!”


Scarlet: “Don’t call me that!”


Nida: “Why? That’s how we got into this in the first place!”


Scarlet: “Why you little–” *starts to strangle him*


Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Destined for divorce!”


Hojo: “Just pretend Heidegger is a priest. You can get married at the banquet hall.”


Scarlet: “Good idea…”


Nida: “Cool! I’m getting fake married! I’m gonna call my parents!” *he runs off*


Kuja: “I insist on being the maid of honor. And I already have my own dress.”


Hojo: “I will serve as best man.”


Heidegger: “Stinky can be ring bearer! Gya haa haa!”


Stinky: *snort of approval*


Nida’s voice: *calling from the next room* “Mindy can be flower girl!”


Scarlet: “Okay, that’s fine… But what about bridesmaids and ushers? I mean, we want to make it look like we have some friends…”


Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! But you don’t!”


Hojo: “Well….you could ask…”








(lark stands at the ramble room door while the losers stand before her)


Lark: *jaw dropped* “Okay, let me get this straight. You want us to help you stage a phony wedding for you and *Nida*?”


Scarlet: “Yes! Please? We’ll make it worth your while!”


Lark: “How?”


Scarlet: “Uh…”


(she turns to the others and they huddle. lark taps her foot in annoyance. finally they come back)


Scarlet: “We’ll build you a pool.”


Lark: *blink blink* “A pool?” *skeptical* “How?”


Scarlet: “Hojo. He’s loaded.”


Hojo: “But you have to share it.”


Lark: *sigh* “A pool would be nice… Even if it *is* shared…” *sigh* “I’ll probably regret this, but okay, fine. What do you want from us?”


Scarlet: “You ramble girls as bridesmaids and Irvine, Seifer, Zell, Rufus, Reeve and Tseng as ushers.”


Nida: “Squall’s not an usher cause he’s a jerk!”


Lark: “Fine.”


Scarlet: “Also, do you know any good, cheap bands?”


Hojo: “Supa Ego?!” *dreamy smile*


Kuja: *frowns and mumbles*


Lark: “Um, forget Supa Ego. But I think I might know some people who will perform for free.”


Nida: “Will they sing ‘Mr. Roboto’?”


Everyone: *blink blink*


Nida: “What?” *pause* “I like that song…”


Scarlet: “Yeah… Anyway, we want the rest of you lovely ramble people to come as guests.”


Nida: “My whole family is coming!” *grin*


Lark: “Would you shut up, Nida?” *sigh* “Fine. It’s a deal. And that pool had better be damn nice!”


Hojo: “It will be. With the deep end, and the shallow end, and the floats and the splashing and so on and so forth.”


Scarlet: “We’ll get you your dresses, so don’t worry about it.”


Lark: “What’s the color?”


Heidegger: “Dirt cheap! Gya haa haa!”


Scarlet: “Shut up, Heidegger!” *clears throat and says sweetly* “I’m not sure yet.”


Lark: “Fine.” *backing up* “I’m going away now. You do the same.” *shuts the door*


Scarlet: “Yes! Looks like we may pull this off after all!”


Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Conspiracy!”








(flash forward to friday. scarlet is lying exhausted on the couch. nida is writing out place cards excitedly. heidegger is brushing stinky. kuja is modeling a wedding dress in front of the mirror. it’s not so bad looking. hojo is going through his box of supa ego stuff)


Scarlet: “Geez… Planning a wedding is a lot of work! And we totally slacked off! I can’t wait till this is over and done with.”


Nida: “This is gonna be fun! Everyone we know is coming! It’s like putting on a great big play, and I’m the star!”


Scarlet: “Shut the hell up, Nida!” *rubs her forehead* “Ugh, I should have said I was marrying Kuja.”


Kuja: “I told you.” *flips hair over shoulder* “I was born to wear this.”


Scarlet: “How is it you look better in that than I do?”


Kuja: *snorts* “How is it possible I don’t?” *looks over at hojo* “Hojo, don’t I look pretty in Scarlet’s dress?”


Hojo: *pulling a tseng action figure out of the box* “Here it is!” *barely glances at kuja* “Yes, fine.” *grins at the figure* “That’s two! Now where are the other seven of him?” *dives back into the box*


Kuja: *grinds teeth and narrows eyes*


Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I can’t believe you’re wearing white, Scarlet! Nida deserves to wear it more than you! Gya haa haa!”


Scarlet and Nida: “Shut up, Heidegger!”


Scarlet: “Heidegger, I hope you’ve been practicing what you’re gonna say tomorrow.”


Heidegger: “Stinky and I wrote some notes! Gya haa haa!”


Nida: “Speaking of Stinky, that skunk better not screw up!”


Stinky: *snorts unhappily*


Heidegger: “Don’t make him mad! Gya haa haa!”


Kuja: “I can’t believe you hired those Gundam Wing guys as our band without even listening to them.”


Scarlet: “All I had to hear was that they would work for free. I don’t give a crap what they sound like.”


Heidegger: “I could have sung too! Gya haa haa!” *to the tune of ‘on top of old smokey’* “gya haa haa haa haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa haaaaaa! Gya haa haa haa ha! Gya haa haa haa haa ha! Gya haa haa haa ha! Gya haa haa haa haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ha–“


Everyone: “SHUT UP!”


Hojo: “I am putting on my Supa Ego CD to drown you out.” *puts on ‘again’*


Kuja: *sigh of annoyance* “Not this one *again*.”


Hojo: “Silence you!”


Kuja: *gasp*


Nida: *points to his watch* “Look! Only twelve hours till the wedding!”


Scarlet: *mumbles* “Great….” *pause* “And Kuja, take my dress off! That was my mother’s!”


Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Two generations of whores!”


Scarlet: “Shut UP, Heidegger!”








(do I hear wedding bells? it’s the next day, and we’re in the ramble room. the ushers, rufus, reeve, tseng, irvine, zell and seifer, are waiting outside the ramble room and fixing themselves up a bit)


Rufus: “I look so handsome in this tux.” *grins*


Zell: “You sure do!”


Rufus: *shudders* “Never mind…”


Tseng: *straightening reeve’s tie* “I can’t believe we’re actually doing this.”


Seifer: “Hey! We’re getting a pool out of this! I think it’s a pretty sweet deal.”


Irvine: “Yeah, but… Nida sucks.”


Seifer: “So? Punch him in the face! That’ll shut him up.”


Zell: *punching air* “Yeah! I’ll take care of him!”


Seifer: “Let a real man do it, chicken wuss.”


Zell: *flips out* “Hey!”


Reeve: “What’s taking the girls so long?” *checks watch* “We have to get going soon.”


Rufus: “Yeah… They have been in there a long time… Kuja brought their dresses over awhile ago.”


Irvine: “I didn’t get a look at them. But Kuja gave ’em up pretty easily, so I’m guessing they’re not very nice.”


Seifer: *pounds on the door* “Hey, Ashley! Move your ass! We have to get going!”


Ashley: “Oh crap. Is it time already?”


Seifer: “Yeah! Now come on! We want to see how the dresses look!”


(long long pause)


Ashley: *nervously* “Uh…you sure about that?”


Seifer: “Uh… I don’t know. Am I?”


Lark: “Okay, we’re coming.” *sigh*


(and then the door opens. there stand the ramble girls, in these really ugly brown dresses with orange polka dots that hang on them like potato sacks. they’re all frowning)


Guys: *cringe* “Ugh…”


Noelle: “That BITCH! She picked these out to make us look bad!”


Shell: “I can’t be seen in this! I’d rather go around naked!”


Lark: *mumble grumble* “This better be the best damn pool ever.”


Reno: *running over* “Hey, you guys, we’re gonna be la–” *see the girls* “Ugh!” *steps back* “What the hell are you wearing?”


Lizzie: “Bridesmaid dresses.”


Reno: “Gross! It looks like you’re going to Cousin Maxwell and Bessie’s wedding!”


Everyone: *shudder*


Shell: *mutters* “That cow is dead…”


Rufus: “The sooner we leave, the sooner we get it over with.” *goes near Noelle and grimaces* “Just…uh…don’t let that dress touch me. Who knows what diseases it has.”


Noelle: *smacks him* “*I* have to wear it!”


Rufus: “Ow…”


(and they all go off…)








(later, at the church the pews are surprisingly packed. on one side everyone obviously looks well groomed and pretty wealthy. that’s nida’s side. on the other side there’s some skeevy looking people with skanky patched up outfits and the like. there’s only one guy who looks wealthy and productive sitting on that side, besides the ff characters who are not in the wedding party, who got stuck sitting towards the back of that pew. the crowd is talking quietly. the cops are standing in the back. heidegger is standing up front, holding a book that has ‘bible’ written on a piece of paper taped to the cover. nida is standing impatiently up at the altar.)


Nida: *whispers loudly* “Where is she? Are we gonna start soon or what?”


Heidegger: *reading the ‘bible’* “Gya haa haa! Veal chops!”


Nida: *hits him* “Shush!! Be quiet and act religious!” *mutters* “I knew we shouldn’t have used a cookbook in place of the bible…”


(just then the music starts, and everyone looks towards the back of the church where stinky is standing next to mindy. stinky has a mini tuxedo on and has a pillow with the rings on them. mindy doesn’t look too thrilled to be standing next to the skunk and is trying to keep away from him as she tosses her flowers as they walk down the aisle)


Heidegger: *quietly* “Gya haa haa! Stinky looks great!”


(they part and then come the bridesmaids and ushers: Ashley with seifer, rufus and Noelle, Lizzie and zell, Katie and irvine, shell and reeve and lark and tseng enter intermittently, not looking like the happiest people on earth, quite obviously. after they come down and go to their separate sides, hojo and kuja start to come down. kuja is wearing a very expensive looking pink dress with a big slit up the side)


Kuja: *whispers to hojo* “Don’t I look sexy in this outfit?”


Hojo: *whispers back* “How fortunate is it that Scarlet placed Tseng in the couple right before us! Did you get a good look at his ass like I did?”


Kuja: *silently fuming* “Grrrr….”


(and finally, as they take their separate places, the ‘here comes the bride’ music starts, and we see scarlet at the back, walking herself down the aisle. her expression is emotionless as she comes up slowly and takes her place besides nida)


Nida: *mumbles under his breath* “Let’s act happy now. It’s our wedding day!”


Scarlet: *mumbles a very nasty reply that i will not so much as hint at here*


Heidegger: “Dearly beloved! Gya haa haa! We’re here today Gya haa haa! To join Gya haa haa!”


Everyone: *pales*


Lark: *mutters* “He is gonna do that the whole time?”


Tseng: *mutters* “Are we lucky enough that he won’t?”


Lark: “…Point taken.”




Heidegger: *gloriously* “Gya haa haa! May I have the rings?”


(everyone is looking kind of tired and bored, wishing it would end. stinky comes over with the rings. scarlet takes one and nida takes one)


Scarlet: *mutters* “These are the cheapest pieces of crap I’ve ever seen.”


Nida: “Hey! They were the best the vending machine outside the supermarket had to offer!”


Heidegger: “Nida! Gya haa haa! Do you take Scarlet! Gya haa haa! To be your awfully wedded wife gya haa haa! In sickness gya haa haa! And health! Gya haa haa! Till death gya haa haa! Do you part? Gya haa haa!”


Nida: “I do.” *puts the ring on scarlet*


Reeve: *mumbles* “I don’t think ‘awfully’ is the right word there…”


Shell: “Quiet, dork.”


Heidegger: “Scarlet! Gya haa haa! Do you take Nida! Gya haa haa! To be your awfully wedded husband gya haa haa! In sickness gya haa haa! And health! Gya haa haa! Till death gya haa haa! Do you part? Gya haa haa!”


Noelle: *mumbles* “If he says ‘gya haa haa’ one more time…”


Scarlet: *shrugs* “Yeah.” *puts the ring on nida and says with no feeling* “This is the happiest day of my life.”


Nida: *stupidly believing her* “It is?! Mine too!”


Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! And now! Gya haa haa! With the power gya haa haa! Invested in me gya haa haa! By this gya haa haa! Plane of existence gya haa haa! I now present you gya haa haa! Man and wife! Gya haa haa! Kiss the bride! Gya haa haa!”


(nida grins, steps on the glass, then grabs scarlet and kisses her for a period of time far too long for any wedding. he then grins, grabs her by the hand and starts running back down the aisle with her trailing, trying to keep up. once they’re gone…)


Lark: *looks at tseng* “Why are you crying? Kuja doesn’t look *that* bad in his dress…which is scary.”


Tseng: *sniff* “No… I just love weddings!”








(later, we come to the reception. everyone is there. treize and zechs are on stage, putting the final touches to their band setup–a karaoke machine. everyone is going to sit at their tables. all the bridesmaids are at the main table, of course, with nida, scarlet, heidegger, kuja and hojo. twilight, opal, vincent, sephiroth, zidane, barret, cid and red are all seated at the same table. everyone else doesn’t really matter. oh, except squall. he and rinoa, along with quistis, and selphie, have been seated at the worst table with some rejects from scarlet’s family. headmaster cid is seated at table one with the cops. scarlet is standing with some really skeevy looking guy and a really wrinkled lady in a sexy dress who’s smoking a cigarette, introducing them to the head table)


Scarlet: “Everyone, meet my mother, Fushica, and my brother, Mustard.”


Irvine: *mutters* “And they say my family has weird names…”


Mustard: *winks at all the girls* “Hey there, pretty girls.”


Girls: *shudder*


Fushica: “My prices are twenty bucks a lay, ten for anything else.”


Scarlet: *laughs nervously and nudges her mother* “Mother, now’s not the time.”


Fushica: “I remember my weddings, Scarlet dear. The first five were pretty nice. But by the sixth and seventh time I felt like I was just going through the motions.”


Mustard: “I’m still trying to find the right girl to settle down with.” *winks at shell*


Shell: “My boyfriend could kick your ass.”


Rude: *appears out of nowhere* “This guy bothering you, Shell?”


Shell: *looks where only a cloud of dust remains where mustard was* “Not anymore, Rude. Not anymore.”


Nida: *grinning proudly* “My parents are so proud of me.” *waves to them* “Hi, mom! Hi dad!”


Seifer: “Am I the only Garden student who’s *actually* an orphan?”


Zell and Irvine: *shrug* “Guess so.”


(reno comes over)


Reno: “Hey, boys!” *holds up champagne* “It don’t get much better than a free bar! And they ain’t cardin’!”


Irvine: “Ooh!” *runs over to the bar*


Reno: *grins and leans on the table in front of Noelle* “C’mon, Noelle. Just one little friendly drink! What do ya say?”


Noelle: *twirling napkin in her hands restlessly* “Um…” *glances at rufus* “Rufus! Fire him!”


Rufus: *as he traces patterns on his water glass* “Yeah, uh, you’re fired for five minutes, Reno.”


Reno: “And I’ll use them well.” *goes back to the bar*


Noelle: *mutters* “Dumbass handsome drunk.”


(then the attention is drawn to the stage as treize comes up and taps the microphone)


Treize: “Good evening, everyone! And welcome to Scarlet and Nida’s wedding! I’m Treize, and this is my partner, Zechs.”


Zechs: “Hello, everyone.”


Treize: “Weddings are beautiful things, much like war, which is beautiful in it’s own way. Victory is always beautiful, while the taste of defeat is rather harsh. However with the Gundams on your side, victory is all but guaranteed. The Gundam pilots are beautiful themselves. Not only in looks, but in heart–“


Zechs: “Um, yes, everyone. Weddings are beautiful. We’ll be your entertainment for this evening, and we’d like to start off with the wedding song–” *looks fondly at treize* “–which also happens to be our favorite song.”


Treize: *looking fondly at zechs* “That’s right, Zechs. ‘I Got You, Babe’.”


Half the Room: *all the ff characters def. included groan despair*


Nida: “Let’s go dance, Scarlet!” *grabs her by the arm and drags her toward the dance floor*


Scarlet: *sweat drops and mutters* “Can we get a pretend divorce now?”








(meanwhile, at sephiroth’s table, he’s sitting there downing some champagne. vincent is looking at him intently. barret and cid are laughing over something, and zidane is reading the menu, absently petting his tail. twilight and opal aren’t there.)


Vincent: “Angel…”


Sephiroth: *harshly* “No, *Vincent*, I do *not* want to dance.”


Vincent: “Oh…” *hangs head*


Barret: “Yo! They allow cockroaches to be attendin’ weddin’s?”


Cid: “#^@$#%^@^%$^ @#$%#@^@ #^$@#$^ @^#^# !”


Barret: *thoughtfully* “Yo, I see…”


Red: *mumbles* “I’m just going to crawl under a table and die…”


Sephiroth: “Where’s Twilight? I need someone to talk to.”


Vincent: “You could talk to me, angel.”


Sephiroth: *sighs* “Vincent…when I want to talk to you, you’ll be the first to know.”


(speaking of twilight, he is across the room…talking to some old lady from nida’s family…)


Twilight: “Excuse me, ma’am, but my name is Corkey McPennyless, and I represent Save the Poor Starving Children with No Money and No House orphanage fund. When I was only a baby, my parents traded me for a donkey cart. I was then abandoned, but the people at the Poor Starving Children with No Money and No House orphanage took me in and raised me to be the honest and law following guy I am today. Unfortunately, the orphanage is running out of money and needs lots and lots to save more precious little kids. So, if you could spare all the money in your purse, you really would be helping someone a lot.” *sad puppy face*


Old lady: “Of course I’ll help you, little darling!” *pinches his cheek* “Let me just get my purse.” *turns to get it*


Twilight: *drums fingers together evilly* “Heh heh heh…”


(meanwhile…kuja is in the men’s room–go figure–grumbling and mumbling unhappily to himself as he paces)


Kuja: “This behavior from him cannot go on. What can he possibly see in that skanky little slut? I have more beauty in my *pinky* than he has!” *rubs chin thoughtfully* “It must be something I over looked…”


(speak of the angel… tseng comes in, humming to himself. he goes to the mirror, takes some lip gloss out of his pocket and starts to apply it. kuja stops pacing to glare him. tseng starts to look kind of uncomfortable and looks over at him)


Tseng: “What? You wanna try it?” *offers lip gloss*


Kuja: “I already *own* that.”


Tseng: “Well *excuse* me.” *goes back to the mirror*


Kuja: *after a period of silence* “Don’t you think I’m the most beautiful man on the planet?”


Tseng: *looks over and gives him a look over* “Um….no.”


Kuja: *gasp* “How can you honestly think otherwise!?”


Tseng: “Uh…you’re not really my type.”


Kuja: “What do you mean? I’m *everyone’s* type!”


Tseng: “I tend to prefer men who look like men.”


Kuja: *frowns and rubs chin thoughtfully mumbling* “Perhaps that is what Hojo is looking for…?”


Tseng: “What?”


Kuja: *glares* “Not that you’re any poster child for masculinity yourself.”


Tseng: *turns to glare at him hands on his hips* “Hey, watch it, man. I’m a Turk, and I could *so* kick your ass.”


Kuja: *laughs* “Right. As if there aren’t plenty of women in the very next room capable of causing quite a bit of damage.”


Tseng: *frowns* “Fine… Well… I’ve never been taken for a woman!”


Kuja: *looks him over like he was a piece of meat* “…Hmm…I think you’re going to have to strip for me.”


Tseng: “WHAT?! I’m not taking off this tuxedo!”


Kuja: *smirks* “Oh, I’m sorry. Is that task reserved for your night job?”


Tseng: *fuming* “Don’t. Even. Start.”


Kuja: *shrugs* “I’m just trying to find out why Hojo finds you so attractive.”


Tseng: *disgusted* “Oh gross…he still talks about me?”


Kuja: “Frequently.” *sigh* “He has posters of you all over the walls.”


Tseng: *hand to his stomach* “I think I’m going to be sick…”


Kuja: “Hmm…perhaps it’s a sexual thing then. You have been with him, have you?”


Tseng: *backing up* “Ugh, don’t remind me!”


Kuja: “I see…” *pause* “We should kiss then, so I can see for myself.”


Tseng: “Are you kidding?! Hell no!” *runs out*


Kuja: *giving chase* “If anyone should be worried about disease it’s *me*!”




Twilight: *to another old lady, cash peeking out of his pockets* “Yes, ma’am, I’m Brokey VonHobo, and I represent Save the Poor Starving Children with No Money and No House orphanage fund. When I was only a baby, my parents traded me for a left shoe. I was then abandoned, but the people at the Poor Starving Children with No Money and No House orphanage took me in and raised me to be the honest and law following guy I am today. Unfortunately, the orphanage is running out of money and needs lots and lots to save more precious little kids. So, if you could spare all the money in your purse, you really would be helping someone a lot.” *sad puppy face*


Old Lady: *pinches his cheek* “Of course, junior!” *turns to get purse*


Twilight: *evil grin*


(meanwhile…scarlet is stomping off the dance floor)


Scarlet: *mumbling* “*AGAIN* with ‘I Love You, Babe’?”


?????: “Hello, Scarlet.”


(scarlet turns and gapes at the guy standing behind her. it’s the wealthy and productive looking guy who was sitting on her side at the wedding. he’s very handsome and wearing a very expensive suit)


Scarlet: “Trent Varsity? I didn’t think you were coming!”


Trent: “I couldn’t miss the big day of the woman I loved all through high school.”


Scarlet: *rolls eyes* “Yeah. So what’s been going on? I haven’t seen you since we broke up after senior year.”


Trent: “Oh, nothing much. I started my own company, and we made our first million about ten years ago. I have a couple of mansions around the world…a plane, a few yachts…cars up the wazoo… Just finished the down payment on my own island. I gave over 5 million dollars to charity last year, was listed in Forbes magazine as the worlds richest and nicest guy.”


Scarlet: *blink blink* “Uh…are you married?”


Trent: “Just last year actually, to a super model. I kept waiting…hoping you’d come back, but…” *shrugs* “I couldn’t hold out forever. I needed someone to buy an expensive wardrobe for, other than myself.”


Scarlet: “Excuse me!” *runs off crying*


(meanwhile, heidegger is talking with the cops. hojo stands nearby)


Cop 1: “That was a nice ceremony today.”


Heidegger: “A nice fake one! Gya haa haa!”


Cop 2: “Excuse me?”


Heidegger: “…Gya?”


Cop 1: “Are you saying this wedding is a fake?”


Heidegger: “Of course! Gya haa– Oops! I mean of course not! Gya haa haa!”


Cop 2: *blink* “So it’s a sham.”


Heidegger: “Yes! Gya haa haa!” *claps a hand over his mouth* “Oopsy again! Gya haa haa!”


(hojo comes over, grabs heidegger’s arm and starts to drag him away)


Hojo: “He has Tourette’s syndrome, excuse me…”


(meanwhile…scarlet’s skeevy brother goes over to Katie)


Mustard: “Why hey there, pretty girl. Interested in helping me hitch a ride?” *wink*


Katie: “…Ew…” *backs away*


Mustard: “Where ya goin’, darlin’? All the action is right here.” *grin*


Katie: “Uh…” *points* “Look! A NASCAR driver!”


Mustard: *turns* “WHERE?!?”


Katie: *runs like hell*


(meanwhile…guess who’s still at it…)


Twilight: *to another old lady, cash peeking out of his pockets* “Yes, ma’am, I’m Patches St. Pauper, and I represent Save the Poor Starving Children with No Money and No House orphanage fund. When I was only a baby, my parents traded me for a bumblebee wing. I was then abandoned, but the people at the Poor Starving Children with No Money and No House orphanage took me in and raised me to be the honest and law following guy I am today. Unfortunately, the orphanage is running out of money and needs lots and lots to save more precious little kids. So, if you could spare all the money in your purse, you really would be helping someone a lot.” *sad puppy face*


Old Lady: “Of course you poor sweet thing!” *pinches his cheek and then reaches for purse*


Twilight: *smiles evilly but rubs his cheek*


(meanwhile, at the bar…reno and irvine are leaning against it, drinking. reno looks pretty sober, but irvine’s looking pretty woozy)


Irvine: *a little slurred* “I’ll git another tequila ‘ere!” *stumbles*


Reno: “Whoa, man. This wedding is barely half over and you’re like already plastered. I think you should slow down.”


Irvine: *pointing a drunken finger* “You’re not my mother!”


(reno shrugs and irvine takes his drink as seph comes over and leans over the bar)


Sephiroth: “What’s the strongest alcoholic beverage you have?”


Bar tender: “I have a 95% proof rum.”


Sephiroth: “Great. I’ll some of that in the biggest glass you got.”


(the bartender goes to fill the order. reno looks at seph in confusion)


Sephiroth: “It’s not for me.”


Reno: “…What the hell is it for then?”


Sephiroth: “Vincent.”


Reno: *blink blink* “Since when do you have to get him drunk to sleep with you?”


Sephiroth: *frustrated* “I’m not *trying* to get him to sleep with me!”


Reno: *blink* “What other reason is there?”


Sephiroth: *taking the large glass from the bartender* “Why are you letting Irvine get drunk then?”


(he walks off, and the words don’t sink in to reno’s alcohol dulled mind until a moment later. when he finally gets it, his eyes widen, and he rushes over to irvine, pulling the glass away from his lips)


Reno: “Whoa, whoa, whoa, man! You’ve had *enough*!”


Bar tender: “He’ll be no good to you passed out, huh, buddy?” *wink*


Reno: “It’s not like that, man.”


Irvine: *hugs reno* “I love you, Reno.”


Reno: *shrugs* “Yo, buddy! You ain’t makin’ this any better!”


Sephiroth: *sets glass down in front of vincent* “Here.”


Vincent: “What’s this, angel?”


Sephiroth: “It’s to make you more fun. Drink up.”


Vincent: *sighs and picks it up*


(meanwhile…tseng is still running away from kuja, and heading for reeve)


Tseng: “REEVE!”


Reeve: *looks up* “Huh?”


Tseng: “Get Kuja away from me before I lose my temper, kick his ass, and ruin Scarlet’s fake wedding.”


Reeve: *stands up* “What’s going on?”


Kuja: *sighs* “Just a kiss. And I can assure you I’m not going to enjoy it.”


Tseng: “Oh, and *I* would?”


Kuja: *flips hair over her shoulder* “Well, *duh*.”


Tseng: *clenches fist* “We’ll see about that!”


(and with that, and to reeve’s complete surprise, tseng grabs kuja by the wrist, jerks him forward and kisses him………………..from across the room)


Ashley: *eyes widen* “Omg! Tseng’s kissing a girl!”


Noelle: “That’s not a girl. That’s Kuja.”


Rufus: “It’s still a step in the right direction!”


Noelle: *smacks him*


Rufus: “Ow…” *frowns* “Can’t anyone take a joke?”


(back to tseng and kuja, they finally break apart after several moments, both looking a little dazed)


Tseng: “Well…”


Kuja: “Hmph.” *crosses arms* “Not half bad.”


Tseng: *flips hair over shoulder* “I told you.”


Hojo: *comes running over out of breath* “Did I just not witness the most beautiful sight in the world?!”


(tseng and kuja exchange a look, and then tseng grabs reeve by the wrist and walks away, and kuja flips the hair over his shoulder and starts to walk away)


Hojo: “Wait! Lambchop!” *runs after kuja*


(tseng drags reeve back to the table where he finally turns around to look at him. reeve’s biting his trembling lower lip, trying not to cry)


Tseng: “What?!”


Reeve: *sniff*


Tseng: “What?!?!?!”


Reeve: *sniff sniff*


Tseng: “What? Do you think I cheated on you? ‘Cause that’s not what it was! I was just showing the arrogant jerk a lesson!”


Reeve: *sniff* “Did you like it??”


Tseng: “He tasted like a girl!”


Reeve: *starts sobbing*


Tseng: “Reeve!” *hugs him* “Reeve, that’s a bad thing!”


Reeve: *sniffs and looks up* “Huh?”


Tseng: *smiles* “Last time I checked.. I don’t like kissing girls.” *kisses him*


Reeve: “Oh… Right…” *blush* “Hey…h-how would you feel if *we* had a real wedding ceremony?”


Tseng: *smiles* “I’d feel pretty good about that.”


(hojo somehow manages to catch up to kuja, and he grabs the younger man’s arm to stop him)


Hojo: “Why are you running away, my beautiful angel of death? They’re playing your favorite song!”


(treize and zechs are singing ‘it’s raining men’ quite enthusiastically. a good portion of the crowd has their head in their hands.)


Kuja: “If you’d rather chase after other men, you can just tell me.” *crosses arms* “I’ll find someone else to give me diamonds.”


Hojo: “Porkchop, what are you saying?”


Kuja: “You’re pissing me off with all this Supa Ego crap!”


Hojo: *blink blink* “…Are you jealous?”


Kuja: “NO! Why does everyone think I am?”


Hojo: “Very well, then. I will return all my attentions to you, since you *are* the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen.”


Kuja: *flips hair over shoulder* “Of course.”


Hojo: “Now come dance and have some champagne with me.” *starts dragging him off*


(meanwhile, scarlet, looking kind of bitter, is stomping across the floor)


Scarlet: “Trent’s a loser anyway. I can do better than him!”


(she spots the cops standing against the wall in the back)


Scarlet: *goes over to them smiling* “Why hello, officers.”


Cops: “Hello.”


Scarlet: “Are you enjoying the party?”


Cop 1: “Yes.”


Cop 2: “Although some of these characters seem kind of questionable…”


Scarlet: *laughs nervously* “Oh, nonsense! Do you really think I would invite prostitutes, convicted criminals, and con artists to my wedding?”


Cop 1: “No… Although you did mention the exact kind of people I was noticing…”


Scarlet *quickly* “Fortunate coincidence.” *steps closer* “So…what are you fine looking men doing later?”


Cops: *blink blink*


Cop 1: “Are you coming onto us?”


Cop 2: “Didn’t you just get married a few hours ago?”


Scarlet: *oops* “Oh!” *backs off quickly* “How *dare* you mistake my questions as sexual advances! I was just trying to make conversation!” *she turns and walks away mumbling* “Today can’t end quickly enough…”


Nida: *calls from across the room* “Come on, Scarlet! It’s time for the chair dance!”


Scarlet: *hand to her head* “Oh dear god, not fast enough.”


(and so the ‘bride’ and ‘groom’ are forced to get onto chairs and they are lifted into the air. nida looks like he’s having a great time. scarlet is holding on for dear life looking terrified. meanwhile, while this is going on…)


Twilight: “Excuse me, ma’am, but my name is Crumbles MacCrappy, and I represent Save the Poor Starving Children with No Money and No House orphanage fund. When I was only a baby, my parents traded me for a magic bean. I was then abandoned, but the people at the Poor Starving Children with No Money and No House orphanage took me in and raised me to be the honest and law following guy I am today. Unfortunately, the orphanage is running out of money and needs lots and lots to save more precious


little kids. So, if you could spare all the money in your purse, you really would be helping someone a lot.” *sad puppy face*


Old lady: “Why of course! What a nice young man!” *pinches his cheek and goes to get her purse*


Twilight: “Heh…” *grins and rubs cheek looking annoyed*


(meanwhile, mustard tries to make a shot with lark…)


Mustard: “So really, I’ve only been arrested twelve times instead a thirteen, cause I dun really count DWI as a real crime.”


Lark: “It *is* a crime.”


Mustard: “Yeah, so you wanna go get *bizz-ay*?” *wink*


Lark: *with no emotion* “I have been standing here for ten minutes while you recounted all of your experiences of getting arrested, and you honestly think I’m gonna go off with you?”


Mustard: “‘Course! All girls love a bad boy!” *grin*


(lark sighs and points over to sephiroth, who is holding the cup vincent is drinking from, encouraging him to drink faster)


Lark: “See that guy over there? That’s my ex-boyfriend. *He’s* a bad boy. You’re just a felon.”


Mustard: “He looks kinda gay.”


Lark: *sighs in annoyance and pushes mustard away as she walks over to seph* “Hey.”


Sephiroth: “You think you can manage to finish this yourself, Vincent?”


Vincent: “………” *looks drunk*


Sephiroth: “I’ll take that as a yes.” *turns to lark* “Hello.”


Lark: “I am bored, this dress is ugly, and the ugliest, skeeviest guy in the world is hitting on me.”


Sephiroth: “Since when did Hojo start hitting on women?”


Lark: “No! Scarlet’s brother!”


Sephiroth: “Oh!” *shudders* “Ew.”


Vincent: *he’s very obviously completely smashed* “Just punch ‘im.”


Sephiroth: *grinning* “Yeah! That’s the spirit, Vincent!” *claps him on the shoulder*


Lark: “Uh…Sephiroth, did you get Vincent drunk?”


Sephiroth: “Hey, he didn’t put up any resistance!”


Lark: “Since when do you have to get him drunk to sleep with you?”


Sephiroth: “Why does everyone think that’s my only motivation?!”


Vincent: *leaning towards him* “I wanna sleep with you annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngel.”


Sephiroth: *pushing him away* “Yeah, we’ll discuss that later.”


Barret: “Yo, Lark! How come they invited dis here mongoose to the weddin’?”


Lark: *shrugs and points* “They invited Stinky.”


(they all look to where heidegger and stinky are dancing. )


Barret: “Yo, that’s some f***ed up sh*t, yo.”


Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Shake your groove thing!”


Group: *shudders*


Zidane: “Hey, Lark, can you tell Treize and Zechs to stop singing ‘I’ve Got You, Babe’? You didn’t hear it from me, but a couple of people are planning to chuck ice at them.”


Lark: *sweat drops* “Oh dear.”


Treize: “Hello, everyone! Is everyone enjoying themselves?”


(he gets some half hearted ‘yeahs’)


Zechs: “And now it’s time for the bride to throw her bouquet, followed by the throwing of the garter!”


Treize: “All the lovely ladies come up to try and catch it!”


(all of the eligible women go up, except for lark and shell, because they hate that whole process. tseng is talking to reeve when suddenly kuja comes over, grabs him by the arm, and starts dragging him in the direction of the crowd of women)


Tseng: “Kuja! Let go of me!”


Kuja: “Don’t try and tell me you don’t want to catch the bouquet!”


Tseng: “I don’t! I’m a man, and I’m not even single!”


Kuja: “Don’t try and get out of it now. Us ukes have to stick together.”


(they’ve arrived at the group. scarlet has her thing of flowers and she turns her back, getting ready to throw it)


Tseng: *frowns* “Hey…who ever said I was the bottom?”


Kuja: *gives him a look*


Tseng: *pouts* “Okay, fine.”


Ashley: “Here it comes!”


(scarlet throws the bouquet and she heaves it pretty damn good. it goes flying towards the back of the crowd. everyone turns and watches as a wide eyed tseng catches the bouquet quite reluctantly.)


Everyone: *blink blink*


Rufus: *head buried in his hands* “He does *not* work for me.”


Kuja: *pouts* “Lucky.”


Tseng: *huge sweat drop* “Um…heh…does someone else want this?”


Zechs: “Nonsense! You caught it!” *grins at him* “And you’re cute too.”


Treize: *frowns* “Zechs, how many times do we have to have this discussion?”


Zechs: *frowns* “Sorry.”


Tseng: *hand to his head* “This is the most humiliating thing that’s ever happened to me.”


Treize: “You just wait now while the groom takes the garter off the bride and they give that a toss.”


Nida: *runs over excitedly* “Whoo hoo!”


(but scarlet comes over and presses the garter into nida’s hand. he frowns)


Scarlet: “You’re not touching me.” *glancing at the cops* “Uh…until our wedding night.”


Nida: *eyes light up* “We’re really having one of those?”


Scarlet: *nudges him and mumbles* “Shut *up*!”


Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Fake virginity!”


Scarlet: “Shut up, Heidegger!” *chases after him*


Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Protect me, Stinky!”


Stinky: *is munching on a floral arrangement. he looks up and snorts*


Cops: *exchange wary looks*


Zechs: “Okay, bachelors, get up here!”


Lark: *pushes seph* “Come on, Sephy. You know you want to take that garter off Tseng with your teeth.”


Sephiroth: “Vincent might get jealous.”


Lark: “Vincent can’t even get up without falling thanks to you. Now go!” *shoves him*


Zidane: “Whoo hoo! This is always my favorite part!”


(barret and cid get up to go. red doesn’t move)


Barret: “Yo! C’mon, rat/moose! You ain’t been neutered! Come up and catch this here garter!”


Red: “That will be difficult considering I have no *hands*.”


Barret: “Yo! I only got one hand and you don’t see me bein’ no wimp! Now get yo’ ass up here!”


(with a weary sigh, red follows)


Red: *mutters* “I am sure to regret this.”


Reno: *pushing irvine off him* “Yo, man, I can’t go up there if you’re hanging all over me.”


Noelle: “Aren’t you going to go up there, Rufus?”


Rufus: “No way! What if I catch it? I don’t wanna touch Tseng! Everyone around me is turning gay as it is!” *points to reno and irvine*


Reno: “That’s not funny, man.” *he finally manages to push irvine off him and he brushes himself off* “Now. I’ll be back after I try and get my chance to take a garter off my boss’ leg with my teeth.” *he goes off*


(the guys are up front while nida turns around and gets ready to throw the garter. he throws it, and everyone watches as it flies back, back, back and fits right over red’s tail!)


Nida: “Whoo hoo! I got kick ass aim!”


Twilight: *from the back* “Copy cat jerk!”


Red: *hangs head* “Oh, I’m afraid my prediction was all too accurate.”


Tseng: *blink blink blink blink blink* “What the f***?!”


Everyone: *looks at him*


Tseng: “Um…no offense to Red.”


Barret: “Yo! Monkey/cat caught it!”


Cid: “$#%&#$&# #$@#^ $#&@& @#$% & @^@#^ !!”


Red: “I do not appreciate that comment.”


Treize: “Well what an odd pair we have here!”


(he and zechs clear the whole floor and he drags a chair across the room. zechs, meanwhile, drags a very unwilling tseng over. he sits him down and takes the garter from treize)


Tseng: “Um…I can put that on myself.”


Zechs: *grins* “Allow me.”


(tseng sweat drops and treize frowns as zechs takes his sweet time putting the garter on tseng. red sits there, shaking his head sadly.)


Zechs: *standing with a grin* “All done.”


Treize: *glares at him* “Yes, thank you, Zechs.” *brightening* “Now! Red here gets to take the garter off Tseng!”


Treize and Zechs: “With his teeth!”


Red: “It is my only option anyway.”


(and he sighs. and tseng looks quite unhappy. everyone in the room watches with a kind of sick curiosity as red takes the garter in his teeth and starts to pull it off.)


Reno: *has irvine hanging on him again* “This is the most f***ed up fake wedding I’ve ever been to.”


Rude: “This is the only fake wedding you’ve ever been to, man.”


Reno: “….Still man. This is f***ed up.”


Tseng: “Ow!”


Red: “I’m sorry.” *continues*


Tseng: *moments later* “Owww!”


Red: *sigh* “Again, I apologize.”


Tseng: “This is the most humiliating thing that’s ever happened to me.”


Red: *sighs again* “I’m sad to say that on the long list of humiliations I have had over the years, this ranks somewhere near the bottom.”


Barret: *calls* “Yo! Ratfish! Hurry it up there, yo! We want da cake!”


Red: *grumbles* “Can’t I ever get some pity?”


(he finally gets the garter off of tseng completely and tseng goes stomping back over to reeve with the bouquet and shoves it into his hands)


Tseng: “There ya go, Reeve. All I need now is the dress and I’m all friggen set!” *frowns*


Reeve: “Yeah.” *frowns*


Tseng: “What’s wrong with you now? Don’t you think it was *humiliating* for me to have to get up there and do that?”


Reeve: *pouts* “I wanted to take it off you.”


Tseng: *raises eyebrow* “Oh?” *grins* “Well, I can always think of something else you can do to me…”




Twilight: “Excuse me, ma’am, but my name is Ruins VanBum, and I represent Save the Poor Starving Children with No Money and No House orphanage fund. When I was only a baby, my parents traded me for a dust bunny. I was then abandoned, but the people at the Poor Starving Children with No Money and No House orphanage took me in and raised me to be the honest and law following guy I am today. Unfortunately, the orphanage is running out of money and needs lots and lots to save more precious


little kids. So, if you could spare all the money in your purse, you really would be helping someone a lot.” *sad puppy face*


Old lady: *pinches his cheek* “Of course, you sweetie little sweet darling!” *turns to get purse*


Twilight: *glares while he rubs his sore cheek*




Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Finally!”


(the cake is wheeled out, and it’s pretty nice looking considering. scarlet, frowning, comes over besides a grinning nida. there are two pieces of cake cut already, and laid out in front of them. scarlet picks up her piece.)


Treize: *sings* “The bride feeds the groom, the bride feeds the groom, high ho the merry-o, the bride feeds the groom.”


(scarlet takes a big forkful of cake and shoves it roughly in nida’s mouth, almost choking him. he glares at her as he swallows it. she gives him a smug look. nida picks up his own piece of cake)


Zechs: *sings* “The groom feeds the bride, the groom feeds the bride, high ho the merry-o, the groom feeds the bride.”


(but nida doesn’t really feed her. he just takes the whole plate of cake and shoves it in her face. everyone gasps, and the room gets very quiet. scarlet wipes the frosting out of her eyes, glares at nida, takes a fistful of cake and shoves it in *his face*. nida yells and grabs a handful himself. just at that moment zell and seifer run in to drag nida away, and kuja and hojo grab scarlet and drag her away. they try to struggle and free themselves, still glaring at one another. during all this, treize and zechs are singing, ‘we all want a piece, we all want a piece, high ho the merry-o we all want a piece.)


Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Yummy!” *cuts himself a gigantic piece of cake*








(an hour or so later…everyone is looking kind of tired. irvine is still hanging all over reno. the only people who don’t look tired are zechs and treize, who are stilling singing…)


Treize: “And now, we’re going to sing our favorite song…”


Both: “I’ve Got You, Babe!”


(out of nowhere they get hit with a barrage of ice)


Treize and Zechs: “Ow!” *try to shield themselves*


Lark: *looks at zidane*


Zidane: *grin of phony innocence* “It slipped.”


(meanwhile…scarlet seems to be looking around for something as Lizzie comes away from the bathroom area brushing the hair out of her eyes and looking a little scuffed up)


Scarlet: “Have you seen my brother?”


Lizzie: *shifty eyes* “Uh…no.”


(and meanwhile…)


Twilight: *sounding bored with the whole thing *”Excuse me, yeah, ma’am, but my name is…uh… Poory Dapoorguy, yeah, and I represent Save the Poor Starving Children with No Money and No House orphanage fund. When I was only a baby, my parents traded me for a..something crappy. I was then abandoned, blah blah blah, but the people at the Poor Starving Children with No Money and No House orphanage took me in and raised me to be the honest and all that crap. Unfortunately, the orphanage is running out of money and needs lots and lots to save more precious kids.” *rolls eyes* “So, if you could spare all the money in your purse, you really would be helping someone a lot.”


Old lady: “Sure thing, sonny!”


(she goes to go and pinch his cheek, but he jerks back)


Twilight: “Uh, you know what? I think I’ve got enough.”


(he turns and returns to the table, sliding into the seat besides opal)


Opal: “There you are, Twilight! Where have you been?”


Twilight: *mumbles* “I hate old ladies…”


Lark: “I think I’ve had about enough of this wedding.”


Treize and Zechs: “CONGA LINE!”


Lark: *paling* “Oh yeah. Quite enough. I really think it’s time to go.”


Sephiroth: “Sounds great to me. What do you think, Vincent?”


Vincent: “Let’s blow this dump!”


Sephiroth: “That’s my Vincent!” *grin*


Lark: “Where’s everyone else?”


(turns around where everyone else looks really bored, and reno is trying to push irvine off him)


Reno: “Oh man, I’m gonna have to be pretty drunk myself to let you drink again!”


(reeve and tseng are quite obviously fighting very hard not to start making out in front of everyone)


Tseng: *shifts restlessly* “Can’t you wait till we get home, Reeve?”


Reeve: “Can’t you?”


(and where an angry mustard is confronting Katie and Lizzie)


Mustard: “You chicks tricked me! And you beat me up!”


Lizzie: “And I had fun doing it too!”


Mustard: *angrily* “I ain’t been arrested twelve times for nothing!”


Katie: “Oh, look! They’re having a rodeo outside!”


Mustard: “They *are*?!” *he turns and runs off*


Lark: “Uh huh, oh yeah, we’re so leaving.”


Sephiroth: “Shouldn’t we say good-bye to the bride and groom?”


(they look across the room to where nida and scarlet are pulling one another’s hair)


Lark: “Uh…let’s pass, and just bolt.”


(and so they gather everyone up, and leave the hall. reno and irvine are trailing behind the rest. reno is trying to support irvine’s weight, but irvine’s half asleep and totally stumbling and keeps making reno almost fall.)


Reno: “C’mon, man. Keep yourself up.”


Irvine: *mumbles something drunkenly and stumbles*


(as he stumbles he knocks into reno, knocking him totally off balance. reno stumbles too, but he stumbles sideways, tripping over the rim of a fountain in the lobby. he and irvine fall, crashing down into the fountain with a splash, and both getting knocked out cold. the others turn and look at them, just kind of staring)


Rufus: “He doesn’t work for me either.”


Lark: “Can someone drag them to the van?”


Noelle: *evil smile* “I’ll be glad to.” *drags rufus over*


Rufus: *whines* “Oh, but I didn’t move all night! Why start now?”


Noelle: *whispers something in his ear*


Rufus: *eyes widen slightly* “Oh. I see.”


Lark: “What the hell are you planning?”


Noelle: “Nothing…”


Lark: *shrugs* “All right, I’m too tired to care. Just don’t kill ’em.”


Vincent: “Let’s get the f*** out of here.” *leans on seph*


Sephiroth: *puts an arm around him* “You’re the best, Vincent!”








(so they arrive back at the ramble room where they are greeted by a bouncing cait sith. everyone kind of files past him, ignoring him, until reeve and tseng enter)


Cait Sith: “Hi, Reeve! I was bored! I’m glad you’re back so I can pick on you again!” *evil laughter*


Reeve: “You know, Cait Sith, tonight’s not really good.” *puts an arm around tseng’s waist and tries to steer him away*


Cait Sith: “You stupid jerk! I own your ass! Now take me out for a walk!”


Reeve: *sigh*




Reeve: “Grrrr…!”


(just then a gunshot is heard, and cait sith stumbles and collapses to the floor, where he’s still. the few people standing around gape at the motionless thing, before looking up at vincent, who holds a smoking gun out)


Vincent: “That thing was friggen annoying.”


Reeve: “Oh my god! Vincent killed Cait Sith!”


Tseng: *mumbles* “Yeah, bastard, let’s go to bed.” *drags reeve off*


Sephiroth: *dreamy sigh* “Vincent, you know just how to turn me on.”








(meanwhile, Noelle and rufus drag the unconscious guys into reno’s room….)


Rufus: “Okay, what now?”


Noelle: “Take their clothes off.”


Rufus: “What? I don’t know what kind of sick idea you have—“


Noelle: “Would you relax and just do it? Trust me, we’ll all have a good laugh tomorrow…”








(meanwhile, back at the hall, everyone is gone except for hojo, kuja, heidegger, stinky, scarlet, nida, and the cops. they’re standing around…)


Nida: “That band was terrible.”


Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I liked them!”


Scarlet: *smiles fakely* “Well, officers, I hope you enjoyed sharing our *special day* with us.”


Cop 1: “Right, Miss…uh…what’s your last name now?”


Scarlet: *looks at nida* “It’s uh…”


Cop 2: “Oh, wow, look at the time. We have to get going. We wish you and your new husband lots of happiness.”


Cop 1: “Yeah.”


Scarlet: *looks at nida* “Yeah, I don’t think we’ll be anything but.”


(they all wave sweetly until the cops are well gone.)


Scarlet: “Thank GOD that’s over! Let’s go home!”


Nida: “I had fun!”


Kuja: *mumbles* “I can’t believe that slut caught the bouquet…”


Hojo: “It was fun and wonderful and convincing and so on and so forth. Let’s go.”


(they start walking towards the exit)


Nida: “You know, someone told me there was some guy going around collecting money for some orphanage.”


Scarlet: “Hojo, are you trying to buy an orphanage again?”


Hojo: “No, I gave up on that dream.”


Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! All boy’s school!”


Hojo: *smacks him* “Shut up, Heidegger! That was a secret plan!”








(meanwhile, the next morning at the ramble room, we see the outside, followed by two really loud, but still manly screams. going inside, we see irvine and reno, naked, standing and facing one another on either side of a rumpled bed)


Irvine: “What the f***?!”


Reno: “I don’t know! What the f*** is right!”


Irvine: “We weren’t so drunk that we….”


Reno: “NO!” *pause* “…Right?”


Irvine: *panicking* “I don’t know!!”


Reno: “Look! Let’s just forget this ever happened, okay?”


Irvine: “Fine with me!”


(they pause, looking uncomfortable suddenly. going outside the room we see Noelle and rufus laughing softly. they high five, grinning. sephiroth comes up behind them, frowning.)


Sephiroth: “What the hell are you two laughing at?”


Noelle and Rufus: “Nothing…”


Vincent: *plodding down the hall with a hand to his head* “Angel, I think I need more aspirin…”


Sephiroth: “Vincent, you really shouldn’t drink that much.”


Vincent: “I’m sorry, angel. I won’t next time.”


Sephiroth: *leading him away* “Come on, Vincent, I hear gin is good for a hangover.”


Vincent: “That doesn’t sound right to me, angel.”


Sephiroth: “Since when have I misled you, Vincent?”












(meanwhile, in loser land, a rumpled scarlet is sitting in front of the tv, frowning. heidegger is making pancakes in the kitchen, while stinky helps. nida wanders in, rubbing his eyes)


Nida: “Good morning!”


Scarlet: *mumbles incomprehensibly*


Nida: “Where are Hojo and Kuja?”


Heidegger: “Don’t wanna know! Gya haa haa!”


Nida: “….Ew.” *plops down on the couch* “Hey, don’t you think Heidegger did a pretty good job pretending to marry us? You know, considering that he didn’t know what he was doing.”


Scarlet *shrugs*


Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! That’s why I got qualified on the internet!”


Scarlet and Nida: *turn around and look at him* “Huh?”


Heidegger: “I went on the internet and got qualified to perform weddings! Gya haa haa! Easy as pie! Gya haa haa! Pie is yummy! Gya haa haa!”


Stinky: *snort*


Scarlet: *paling* “So…that means…we’re really…” *turns to look at nida*


Nida: *blink blink* “Married?”


Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I’m a gene-e-us!”


Scarlet: *jumping over the back of the couch and lunging for him* “I’ll KILL YOU, HEIDEGGER!!!!!!!!!”


Heidegger: *shielding himself with a pan* “Watch the pancakes! Gya haa haa!!”












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1 Response to #102 – Who Wants To Marry A Prostitute?

  1. Jesse Colton says:

    Literally every line from Heidegger in this one in genius. Gya haa haa, veal chops!!

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