Seifer: “…Can we at least have a threesome?”

Originally Published: 9/21/01 . 24 pages

Synopsis
The girls are mad when the guys get tickets to a Madonna concert and go without them. They come up with a plan to really make them suffer…

Ramble Milestones
-Cait Sith dies for the first time.

Would you believe me if I told you this idea was born while us girls were working at a Bible camp? I’m not religious in the least, but my friend’s mom ran one, so my friends and I volunteered there a few weeks every summer in high school and college putting on little skits for the kids that had moral lessons. It was actually super fun. This ramble is still pretty funny, especially the beginning and ending. In the middle the stuff with Zell chasing after Rufus is always amusing, and Rude has some great lines. Aside for feeling bad for Red at the end, you also have to feel bad for Laguna. He got punished even though he did nothing!

(reno, rude, seifer, seph, irvine, and vincent are all in the ramble room, talking excitedly)

Irvine: “Wow, Reno! This is great! I can’t believe you got these tickets!”

Seifer: “Yeah! All the Madonna concerts sold out really fast!”

Reno: “Well, I have my ‘connections’.”

Sephiroth: “The ticketmaster phone number?”

Reno: “…..Yes.”

Seifer: “Well this is gonna rock!!”

Vincent: “I suppose.”

Rude: “I don’t really want to go.”

Reno: “Yes you do, man.”

Rude: “No, I–“

Reno: “Yes you DO, man.”

Seifer: “Well, let’s get going! I don’t want to miss a second!”

(they go to leave, but before they get there, reno stops them)

Reno: “Oh you guys–don’t tell the girls we’re going tonight, okay?”

Irvine: “Aw, come on. It’s not like they’d want to go.”

Reno: “True.” *shrug* “Let’s go.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, the next day, the ramble chicks are talking mindlessly)

Ashley: “Remember the conversation we had the night before? Let’s continue that.”

(long pause)

Noelle: “Absorbent.”

Katie: “Nonabsorbent.”

Ashley: “No way! I don’t want to lose my virginity to a wadded up ball of cotton!”

Shell: “What virginity?”

Ashley: “Hey!”

Lark: “This is a really boring conversation. Let’s stop.”

Lizzie: “Last night really sucked.”

(then the door opens and in comes the group from the previous night. they are all wearing signed madonna t-shirts)

Reno: *humming ‘like a virgin’*

Sephiroth: *humming ‘take a bow’*

Seifer: *humming ‘like a prayer’*

Rude: *humming ‘material girl’*

Vincent: *humming ‘amazing’*

Irvine: *humming ‘music’*

Girls: *blink*

Lark: “Where were you guys last night? We were all bored out of our minds!”

Guys: “Uh….”

Reno: “We went to a bar.”

Lizzie: “Where did you get those t-shirts?”

Seifer: “What t-shirts?”

Ashley: “The ones you’re wearing.”

Guys: “Uh……”

Reno: “We got them for free. At the bar.”

Rude: “That we went to.”

Noelle: “Why didn’t you invite us to go to this bar?”

Seifer: “Uh…”

Sephiroth: “It was full of men.”

Lark: *blinks* “Like a gay bar?”

Guys: “NO!!!!!!!”

Reno: “No. It was just a very manly bar.”

Katie: “…Where they gave out MADONNA t-shirts?”

Guys: *blink*

Seifer: “Uh….yeah.”

Shell: “Signed ones?”

Rude: “Uh…it’s fake.”

Girls: “Uh huh….” *blink*

Reno: “We better go away.”

(and they quickly leave)

Lark: “…Speaking of Madonna, wasn’t her concert on HBO last night?”

Ashley: “Yeah! I taped it! Let’s watch it now!”

(she gets out the tape and puts it in. so they watch the whole concert. suddenly in the middle of it, a red headed guy starts jumping up and down in front of the camera)

Lizzie: “What the hell?!?”

Katie: “What a jerk!”

Noelle: “Stop the tape so we can see who that jackass is.”

(so the tape is paused, and to their surprise…)

Girls: *jaw drops* “RENO!?!?!?!?!?”

Noelle: “That bastard!” *she grabs his coat and pulls a ticket stub out of the pocket* “They went without us!”

Lark: “What?!?! Those jerks!”

Katie: “How COULD they?!”

Ashley: “They know we love Madonna!”

(they start the tape again, and they can clearly hear the guys talking)

Rude: “Knock that off, man!”

Reno: “I’m on TV!”

Sephiroth: “You’re ruining it for everyone! AND you’re stepping on Vincent’s claw!”

Vincent: “I feel nothing.”

Rude: “Uh…Seifer passed out. They’re going to let us backstage.”

Reno: “What?”

Girls: “WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!”

Reno: “Cool! Peace out!”

(the girls stop the tape and stare at one another, their jaws dropped)

Lark: “….This means war.”

 

………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

(later…in the ramble room again, all the girls and the concert guys are there)

Lark: “So….”

Ashley: “So…the bar was really fun last night?”

Irvine: “Yup.”

Noelle: “Yeah… That’s nice…”

Katie: “You know, we watched the Madonna concert last night. Ashley taped it.”

Guys: *sweat drops*

Irvine: “Oh….yeah?”

Ashley: “Yeah. It was really good until Reno started jumping up and down in front of the camera.”

Rude: “Yeah, he was acting like a real jerk.”

Guys: “D’oh!” *slap* “Rude!”

Rude: “…Ow.”

Shell: “And you didn’t buy me anything, Rude?”

Rude: *takes off t-shirt* “Here, Shell.”

Noelle: “Reno, you bastard! Why didn’t you take me??”

Reno: “Uh, Noelle… We’re not even going out.”

Noelle: “So? Bastard!” *slap* “Jackass!”

Reno: “I know, Noelle.”

Lark: “Why didn’t you get more tickets?”

Reno: “We couldn’t. Rude’s broke.”

Irvine: “Look who he’s dating.”

Shell: *going through rude’s wallet* “Huh? Hey! There are only four pictures of me in here!”

Rude: “Sorry, Shell.”

Ashley: “I can’t believe this! You know I love Madonna! I have all her CDs! And movies! And a poster that says ‘I love Madonna’!”

Seifer: “Uh… I don’t pay much attention to anything but you and the bed.”

Ashley: “And you’re not paying very much attention to that either!” *stands* “We’re through!” *stomps out*

Seifer: “Oh…not again…”

Shell: “Rude, we’re taking a hiatus where I am no longer dating you, but you will continue to buy me gifts.”

Rude: “Does that mean no sex, Shell?”

Shell: “Yes, Rude.” *leaves*

Noelle: “I hate you, Reno.”

Reno: “I know…”

Noelle: “I hate you more!”

Reno: “Does that mean we’re not getting back together?”

Noelle: *stomps out in a huff*

Katie: “You all should feel terrible!” *stomps out*

Lizzie: “Yeah!” *she leaves*

Lark: *glares daggers and leaves*

Irvine: “…At least I got off easy.”

(the girls come back in and smack him)

 

………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

(later…the girls are in the tv room, replaying the scene from the madonna concert)

Noelle: “Every time I see that I get more upset.”

Ashley: “I can’t believe they didn’t think of us!”

Shell: “After all I do for Rude!”

Ashley: “Do you have any idea how bad he is in bed? Do you know how bad I have to fake it? I should get an Academy Award!”

Lark: “Why do you stay with him then?”

Ashley: “….I like men in trench coats.”

Noelle: “And after all Reno’s put me through! The constant rejection!”

Lark: “We have to get back at them!”

Shell: “Let’s make them suffer!”

Girls: “Hmmm….”

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(later…Ashley and shell are on the couch cuddling. yes, cuddling. seifer and rude enter)

Seifer: *blink* “What the hell is going on here?”

Ashley: “We’re embracing the love that dare not speak it’s name.”

Seifer: “…What?” *scratches head*

Ashley: “We’re in love.”

Seifer: “You’re what now?”

Rude: “You can’t afford her.”

Shell: “You’ll still buy me gifts, Rude.”

Rude: “Yes, Shell.”

Seifer: “Wait… So you’re *gay*?!”

Ashley: “Yes. You were just that bad. Sorry.”

Seifer: *chin trembles*

Ashley: “Uh huh.”

Seifer: *takes out gunblade* “Ashley! Remember this?”

Ashley: “You’re compensating, Seifer.”

(she pulls the blanket over her and shell it *appears* they’re making out)

Seifer: “…Can we at least have a threesome?”

Ashley: *muffled* “No!”

Rude: *sadly* “I hope she’s not wearing the diamond bra.”

Ashley: “Ow!”

Rude: *hangs head*

(he and seifer sadly leave and we hear snickering under the blanket)

 

……………………………………………………………………………………

 

(meanwhile, later… lark and Noelle are sitting on the couch in their underwear with a jar of nutella on the table. reno, sephiroth and vincent walk in)

Reno: “Uh… What went on here?”

Noelle: “What didn’t?” *winks at lark*

Lark: *winks back* “And there’s more for later.”

Reno: “Excuse me?!?”

Sephiroth: *looks around* “I am searching for alcohol, and yet I see none.”

Vincent: “I am confused.”

Noelle: “Don’t you understand? We found each other.”

Reno: “Were you lost?”

Lark: “No, we FOUND each other.”

Guys: *blink*

Sephiroth: “Oh my god.”

Vincent: “…That’s more than Seifer found of Ashley.”

Lark: *grabs the nutella* “See you boys later.”

(she and Noelle leave while the guys watch, their jaws dropped)

Reno: “Oh my god…” *pause* “Wait! Are you making videos?!?!” *runs after them*

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(even later, Lizzie and Katie are in the ramble room, flipping through issues of good housekeeping. Lizzie twitches a little as Katie flips through the tupperware)

Katie: “Look! We can get a bunny china pattern!”

Lizzie: *twitch* “Yes, dear.”

Katie: “And later we can pick out curtains!”

Lizzie: “Ugh…”

(enter laguna and irvine)

Laguna: “Hey hey! Lizzie! Your man’s here!”

Lizzie: “Hey hey! Guess what? I’m gay!”

Laguna: *stops dead* “Hey…what?”

Irvine: “Back up a minute?”

Katie: “Yes! She loves me! She loves you not!” *sigh*

Irvine: “….But…you were straight yesterday.”

Lizzie: “Well, you know how these things are. The right person comes along…”

Laguna: *blink* “But you’ve known each other for years…”

Katie: “We’re picking out curtains!”

Irvine: *blink* “Oh my god…you really *are* lesbians!”

Laguna: “What am I gonna do? Ward will laugh!” *runs off*

Irvine: “Okay…so…uh…I’m just gonna sit here…” *sits* “Andwaittillyoumakeout.”

Lizzie: “Get lost!” *throws a shoe at him*

(irvine runs off)

Katie: “This is great!” *hugs Lizzie*

Lizzie: *sigh*

 

………………………………………………………………………………….

 

(a little later…a bunch of guys are in the ramble room)

Twilight: “Your chicks are gay? Ha ha!”

Seifer: “It’s not funny! Ashley would rather be with Shell then me!”

Zell: “I’d rather be with *Squall* than you, jerk!”

Everyone: *blink*

Squall: “Zell, don’t ever say that again.”

Twilight: “My chick is straight!”

Reno: “This is terrible!”

Rufus: “But you love lesbians, Reno.”

Reno: “They won’t let me watch!”

Irvine: “Me neither! What a waste!”

Rude: *sad sigh*

Sephiroth: “Well, there goes any chance of us finding true love.”

Vincent: “You have me, angel.”

Sephiroth: *slaps him in the arm* “Shut up, Vincent!”

Seifer: “Well what are we gonna do? This means like no sex ever!”

Squall: “You could always go after the FF girls.”

(long pause. the guys look at one another, then start laughing)

Laguna: “Ha ha! Good one!”

Irvine: “Yeah! Geez! Like we’re *that* desperate!”

Squall: *blink*

Zell: “Well, all the girls are gay.” *pause* “Guess we better get back together, Rufus.”

Rufus: “WHAT?!?”

Zell: “Well we might as well go gay too.”

Rufus: “NO!”

Zell: “But we were married!”

Rufus: “Not for long!”

Zell: “You kissed me!”

Rufus: “You kissed ME.”

Zell” “But we had great sex!”

Rufus: “AHHHHHH!!! No! No! God help me!” *runs out*

Zell: “But my love!” *runs after*

Squall: “…He is so scary sometimes.”

(opal enters then, smiling)

Twilight: “Opal! You’re moving into a convent!”

Opal: “But that’s full of girls…”

Irvine: “Isn’t that where they stick all the easy chicks?”

Reno: “Yes.” *pause* “Not that I would know.”

Twilight: “Ack! Never mind! You’re going to charm school!”

Opal: “But, Twilight, why? Why? Don’t you find me charming?”

(then the door opens and lark and Noelle come in)

Lark: “Opal, are you coming?”

Opal: “Yeah! Just a minute!”

Twilight: “Ack! Don’t touch her!” *puts an arm around her*

Opal: “Huh? Twilight! What’s gotten into you?”

Twilight: “You’re a girl! A girl, dammit! Now let’s go get you lots of pink outfits!” *drags her out*

Lark: “Hey! Just because I’m a lesbian doesn’t mean I’m not a girl! I take offense to that!”

Guys: “…………”

Noelle: “Well bye, boys.”

(they go to leave, but reno stands up)

Reno: *calls* “Noelle! Wait!”

(Noelle turns)

Reno: “Can I watch? PLEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSEEEEE?”

Lark and Noelle: “NO!” *slam door*

Irvine: “…Lark’s the man in *that* relationship.”

Squall: “Whatever.”

Seifer: “You think?”

Vincent and Sephiroth: “Yes.”

Laguna: “Hey hey! Lizzie’s definitely the man.”

Reno: “Oh yeah.”

Seifer: “How do you know which one’s the man?”

Irvine: “Hmm…Ashley and Shell is a hard one.”

Sephiroth: “That’s like asking who’s the girl, Reeve or Tseng.”

Vincent: “…All of this is horribly stereotypical and very ignorant.”

Sephiroth: “Shut up, Vincent.”

Rude: “…Ten bucks on Shell.”

Seifer: “Twenty on Ashley!”

(all the guys start placing bets…except vincent)

Vincent: “At least I realize how wrong this is…”

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

(meanwhile, some time after that…the guys are still in the ramble room. zell and rufus have returned. they’re sitting on the couch next to one another, and rufus is trying to inch away, looking nervous)

Rufus: “No means NO, Zell!”

Zell: “But schnookums! Can’t you see we need better communication or our relationship won’t work!”

Rufus: “Good! And don’t call me schnookums!”

Reno: *snickers*

Rufus: “Shut up, Reno!”

(Ashley and shell enter, arm in arm)

Ashley: “Hi!”

Seifer: *lifelessly* “Hello.”

Ashley: “We’re going shopping on our date.”

Shell: “I need money, Rude. NOW!”

Rude: “Yes, Shell.” *reaches for wallet*

Reno: “So…what interesting things are you two girls gonna buy?”

Ashley: “Chocolate body paint…expensive lingerie…”

Shell: “Jewelry. Lots and lots of jewelry.”

Seifer: *whimper*

Ashley: “See you later!” *they leave*

Seifer: “This sucks! How can this be happening?! Tell me this is a dream!”

Vincent: “If this all ended in a dream it would be a great let down.”

Guys: *blinks*

Sephiroth: “What the hell does that mean, vamp boy?”

Reno: “It means the girls making out are hot.”

Vincent: “Actually, I meant from a literary perspective–“

(before he can finish, Noelle and lark trot in)

Noelle: “We’re going out–“

Lark: “So don’t touch anything while we’re away, or you’re dead.”

Reno: “So, uh, where are you going on this ‘date’?”

Noelle: “If you must know, we’re going to the movies to make out.”

Reno: “Sweet! Can I come?”

Noelle and Lark: “NO!”

(they leave)

Reno: “This sucks, man.”

Seifer: “Yeah, we don’t even get to see anything!”

Vincent: “It is unfortunate indeed.”

Sephiroth: “Shut up. I think there’s something funny going on here–“

Zell: *clings to rufus* “How can you say that about our love?!”

Rufus: “Ack! Get the hell off me!” *bolts up*

Zell: “But pumpkin cakes…”

Rufus: *shudder*

(Katie and Lizzie enter. Katie looks upbeat. Lizzie doesn’t)

Katie: “We’re going curtain shopping!”

Lizzie: *dryly* “Yeah. Whoo.”

Katie: “We can look at the bunnies!”

(Lizzie does not look too thrilled as they leave. the guys look confused)

Laguna: “They don’t look very happy!”

Sephiroth: “Something is weird here.”

Seifer: “Yeah! No kidding! Our chicks are lesbians! Now they’re one another’s chicks!”

Zell: “At least I have Rufus.”

Rufus: “No you don’t!”

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(sometime later…reno, rufus, irvine, and seph are walking by the ramble room)

Reno: “Days are long.”

Sephiroth: “….Yeah.”

Irvine: “Look! It’s Lark and Noelle!”

(he and reno run over to where they’re standing down the hall)

Reno: “Hey girls!”

Noelle: “Hey bastard.”

Irvine: “How was the movie?”

Lark: *grins at Noelle* “We didn’t see most of it.”

Noelle: “It’s all a blur.” *grins at lark*

Irvine and Reno: *whimper*

Reno: “Uh, you know, you guys, uh…don’t show too much affection in public.”

Sephiroth: *crosses arms* “That’s because this is some kind of hoax.”

Noelle: “It is not!”

(she turns to lark, they meet eyes, then quickly kiss. then reno and irvine’s jaws drop. lark and Noelle grin and go into the ramble room)

Irvine: “Oh…my…god….”

Sephiroth: *pouts*

Irvine: “Did you see that, Reno?” *turns to him*

Reno: *gapes*

Rufus: “I don’t believe it.”

Irvine: “Reno? Did you get it on tape or something?”

Reno: *faints*

(irvine sighs and gets seph to help him drag him off into the tv room. rufus watches Ashley and shell enter the ramble room. then shrugs and starts to head away when he overhears…)

Ashley: “Ha! I can’t believe they’re buying this!”

Lark: “I know! …And some of them are predictably enthralled.”

Noelle: “Like Reno.”

Ashley: “Seifer is so upset.”

Shell: “So is Rude. I mean *god* could he be more passionate with his emotions? He’s a total open book!”

Lark: “How much further should we take this?”

Noelle: “As far as we can.”

(they all start laughing evilly. rufus’ eyes widen then he grins and quickly heads back to the tv room and enters with a wicked smile)

Reno: *now awake* “What’s wrong with you? Tseng get run over by a bus?”

Rufus: *slyly* “No…”

(he shuffles into the room, still grinning. everyone watches)

Seifer: “Okay… You’re weird…”

Zell: “Don’t talk about my boyfriend like that!”

Rufus: *grin gone* “UGH! Gross! No! That’s wrong! Go out with Squall!”

Squall: “I’m taken and *completely* uninterested.”

Sephiroth: “Okay, Shinra. What do you know?”

Rufus: *grins back* “Oh….something that may interest all of you…”

Rude: “….Such as…?”

Seifer: “Spill it!”

Rufus: “How much is it worth to you?”

Seifer: “Uh… I think I have fifteen cents…”

Rufus: Fifteen cents?!?!”

Seifer: *shifty eyes* “I had to buy some medicine.”

Squall: “Viagra isn’t medicine.”

Seifer: “Shut up, Squall!”

Rufus: “Come on! This is really good stuff! It’s worth a lot!”

Sephiroth: “…Is your life worth a lot?” *strokes masamune*

Rufus: *gulp* “Uh…you know what? I think I’ll just be nice and tell you.”

Reno: “Just tell us already!”

Rufus: “The girls aren’t gay.”

Everyone: “WHAT?!?!?!”

Seifer: “They’re not?”

Laguna: “They lied!?!?”

Irvine: “…In some weird way I’m actually disappointed.”

Sephiroth: “I knew it!”

Vincent: “I suppose they are mad at us for excluding them.”

Seifer: “That was really mean!!”

Rude: “Hm. I guess we deserved it.”

Rufus: “What gets me is that they all seemed pretty into it.”

Guys: *blink*

Sephiroth: “Yeah…”

Seifer: “Well I’m pissed! Let’s pretend we’re gay and get back at them!”

Zell: “I get Rufus!”

Rufus: “No! Stop this crazy talk! Now that we know the truth, we can confront them.”

Zell: “I like Seifer’s plan.”

Vincent: “Me too. I would like Sephiroth.”

Sephiroth: “No! Confrontation it is!” *cracks knuckles* “It’s payback time.”

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

(so later, reno, irvine, laguna, seifer, rude, vincent, sephiroth, zell, and rufus enter the tv room where the girls have gathered. as soon as the guys come in, they put their arms around one another)

Lark: “Hey, boys.”

Lizzie: “How are…things?”

Laguna: “Hey hey. Not good.”

Reno: “Yeah…. We feel bad for leaving you guys out of the concert.”

Noelle: “As you should! Right, Larky bear?”

Lark: “Right, Noelle mouse.”

Irvine: “Right. Anyway, we got to thinking, and we’re fine with this whole…” *gestures vaguely* “thing.”

Ashley: *blink blink* “Really?”

Seifer: “Yeah. Sure.” *clenched fist*

Reno: “Right. So we rented you guys some videos.”

Katie: “Hooray! What’d you get? A romance?”

Lizzie: “A horror?”

Shell: “A drama?”

Noelle: “An action?”

Ashley: “A cartoon?”

Lark: “A comedy?”

Irvine: *grin* “Better.”

Reno: “Porn!”

(and with that he dumps a whole bag’s worth of girlxgirl porn on the couch)

Girls: *blink blink*

Ashley: “Uh…what’s that?”

Seifer: “It’s porn! Isn’t it great we have so much in common now?”

Rufus: “We can all watch it together!”

Girls: *giant sweat drop*

Noelle: “Um…you know what? I have to…um…clean my…window sill.”

Ashley: “Me too.”

Shell: “Yeah! Me too!”

Rude: “You haven’t cleaned a thing in your life, Shell.”

Shell: “Shut up, Rude.”

Lizzie: “Yeah…um…gotta run.”

Katie: “Yeah. Like now.”

Lark: “Yeah… Thanks, but no.”

(they all go to make a break for it, but standing there is sephiroth, blocking the whole door)

Lark: “Uh oh…”

Sephiroth: “Aw… Not staying? Why?”

Girls: “Um…”

(they turn around and see all the guys knowingly staring at them, crossing their arms and tapping their feet)

Seifer: “Something you wanna tell us?”

Ashley: “Dammit!”

Noelle: “Fine! You got us! We lied, okay? We’re liars!”

Lizzie: “You all deserved it.”

Laguna: “Hey hey! I did nothing!”

Shell: “It was to teach you bums a lesson!”

Lark: “Yeah. So, did you guys learn anything?”

Guys: *shrug*

Seifer: “Yeah, I guess.”

Irvine: “Wanna watch the porn?”

Reno: “Sure.”

(the girls get wide eyed and they shove seph away, running like mad down the hall. there’s crushing and crunching of metal heard, and all the guys freeze, looking confused)

Reeve’s voice: *from the hallway* “Oh my god! They killed Cait Sith!”

Tseng’s voice: “You bastards!”

Reeve’s voice: *cries quietly*

Tseng’s voice: *comfortingly* “It’s okay, Reeve.”

Guys: *sweat drops*

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………

 

(later. the tv room is empty when red comes in quietly, trotting over next to the vcr and standing up on his hind legs and looking around)

Red: “Where is that Lion Mating special I taped off the Discovery Channel? …Ah, here it is.”

(he pops it in the vcr and then settles back on the couch, turning it on)

Red: “At last…”

TV: The lion mating–“

(then the tape is abruptly cut off as the madonna concert comes on. red’s jaw nearly hits the ground)

TV: *singing* “Music, makes the people come together. Yeah.”

Red: “Oh…” *hangs head* “It is my lot in life to have everything ruined…” *looks up* “Is that Reno?”

THE END